And Yet I Never Once Smiled
I Can't Match Your Pretty Smile
Author's Note
my pick-me-up playlist
I Can't Match Your Pretty Smile
"x equals four pi?"
Pinkie Pie began to scribble four pies. Under her big GET WELL SOON!, she drew four pies and a bowl of soup. Maybe pie wasn't the best thing to give to Rainbow Dash when she was out sick. But then again, she did love Pinkie's Pies. She turned them into buns of bread before they could get any closer to being unhealthy pies. She made them into those "hot cross buns," with the x's on top.
"Does it take you that long to solve an equation?" Twilight's voice was a mere distraction to Pinkie, who didn't notice the question.
A giggle. That's what made Pinkie look up, a smile plastered across her face. "Hm?"
Fluttershy informed her, "We're solving practice equations for tomorrow's exam. Which reminds me, are you going to be at Twilight's later tonight for the studying session?"
Pinkie stared down at her paper. The card she was making was far from as important as the exam. But she loved to make others smile, especially because it was great that people smiled because of her. It always made her want to smile—not that she ever really did. It made her feel proud of herself, like a good grade that told her about her success.
"I'm going to meet Dashie at her place for a while. Keep her company while she's feeling low. But I might be able to join you later," she decided. Something, basically anything to fill up her time and keep her from the depressing feeling she felt at home. "Are we having a sleepover there?"
She was hit with a wave of yes's and mhms and nods. She wanted to actually smile. But it wasn't that smile-worthy. All she'd done was hang out around a group of people who were willing to take her away from the usual dreading feeling for one night. Just one.
"Okay, I'll meet you there."
As the bell rang, the group left the cafeteria and headed to their electives. While most of her friends had "fun," important things like drama, workshop, or even home ec classes, Pinkie Pie was a student aide because she liked to make others happy. To her, it was fun. She liked seeing others smile because of all the work she did.
She liked having something she was good at doing, for a change.
Principal Celestia always smiled when Pinkie Pie so perfectly arranged files and delivered student notes. When she finished with one stack of papers, she always moved onto another stack. Celestia wondered how Pinkie always felt so happy when she lived in such a sad environment. Times like these could be depressing.
"Pinkie," she called out. Pinkie looked up at Celestia. "Did you want to take a quick break?"
Boy, did Celestia have the best timing ever. "Unless you need my help with something else," she insisted, because why not?
"Not at all. Five minutes, and don't mess around."
She nodded her thanks and walked straight to the bathroom. She headed towards wheelchair-accessible stall. She sat upon the toilet seat, clutching her schoolbag and the card she was planing to give to Rainbow Dash. She drew herself with a big smile, one that she wished she could really wear. And feel.
Tears dropped from Pinkie's jealous eyes and fell upon Rainbow's card. Fortunately, it was only a few smears—it was fine. She added confetti to her childish creation of a card. It was almost done. One more thing. She wrote Coming with snacks above the picture of herself.
With a sigh, she tucked it in her backpack and headed back towards the office.
Footsteps.
"Pinkie, what are you doing?"
She didn't dare look at her father as she carefully placed the freshly-baked buns into the care basket. She then tucked the card in, finishing the basket with a rainbow ribbon on the handle.
"Pinkamena, answer me."
She grabbed the basket and walked away from her father, mumbling, "I'm going to study with my friends."
Her dad looked as angry as usual. It used to be intimidating to Pinkie, but it was now just really irritating. He might not have known that. "You can't study on your own?"
"Studies prove that studying with a group helps you more than studying individually. We can quiz each other. I can teach them, they can teach me."
A grunt. "What could you possibly teach them?"
She sniffled. "I... I understand chemistry really well."
"More than that braniac of a girl? What was it, Midnight?"
"Twilight. She's really smart, but we're all smart in our own way. Besides, she could always help me if I really need it."
"Oh, sure. And the snacks? Can't study without them?"
"One of my friends is sick. I want to make her feel a bit better."
"And so you're going to go and get yourself sick by spending time around them? Better to stay home and get a few questions wrong than to infect yourself and not get any questions right at all."
Pinkie wiped a tear. "I feel sick already."
Her father seemed to be ready for any retort. "Because you're hanging out with the wrong people?"
"No," she almost screamed in a raspy voice, "it's because you're infecting me with your negative energy!"
She stormed out, but not before her father could shout at her, "Why can't you be like your sisters, huh? Why can't you be more positive, too? Maybe I wouldn't treat you so badly."
As she slammed the door, she shouted at the top of her lungs, "WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE THEM, THEN?" She made sure to scream loud enough that her family could hear, even through the thick walls dividing them. Then she sprinted, probably for her life.
She arrived at Rainbow's doorstep, breathing heavily and frowning deeply. Then, she wiped her tears and put on a small smile. She pushed the doorbell and fixed her hair before her friend peeked through the doorway and eyed her happily.
"Are you here to disturb me while I'm moping around, eating soup all alone?" she asked playfully, a pretty smile on her face.
Pinkie put on a smirk to try to match Rainbow's. "I think you might've needed a disturbance. Don't want you to lose your spark because you're all alone for a few days. Besides, I brought more soup for you to enjoy."
"Wow, thanks so much; it's not like I'm sick of soup, or anything."
"Oh, so you're sick 'cause you're eating too much soup? Well then, good thing I brought some bread for you. You can have it with your soup so that you don't die of blandness in your life." It was an easy joke to make—she was basically describing herself.
Rainbow snorted. Pinkie made the funniest jokes. She was the happiest person Dash ever knew, and could cheer any sick person up in an instant. "No cupcakes? Shut up and come inside before I become doubly sick."
Pinkie, eager to step in anywhere she could avoid her biggest problems, followed Rainbow, clutching the basket in her arms. She placed it on the coffee table next to the couch Rainbow had lay on the whole day. She grabbed a book that rested by a TV remote and the get well basket.
It was dark in Rainbow's house—too dark for Pinkie to read or do anything but sleep or stare at her phone. And to think she used to be scared of the dark. Now, it was what she longed for the most. She wanted a good eight hours of peaceful sleep. She wanted to sit alone in the dark, away from her problems. She wanted to push all her work away and just stare at her phone and be around her friends all day.
But that's not how life went.
"Pinkie?"
She looked up to see Rainbow staring at her, an eyebrow raised. "Yeah?"
"Nevermind, it just looked like you..." she trailed off, rubbing the back of her head. "Are you okay? You looked, I dunno, sad?"
Pinkie simply shook her head and put on a smile to push the moment away. "Nah, just sad that you've been alone for eight hours. So, what've you been doing without me?"
Dash shook her head and smiled. Classic Pinkie. Of course she shouldn't have worried. "Sleeping, binge-watching TV. The usual."
"Aw, no studying?" Pinkie asked, her lips drooping back to a comfortable frown. She tried to make it look fake. Like a joke, because she "loved" joking and cheering others up.
And she was good at it, because Rainbow couldn't tell that anything was up. No one ever could realize that she wasn't okay. "I'm not making my brain hotter than it already is," came Dash's response.
"Why, you want to stay away from the boys?"
Rainbow laughed, slapping Pinkie's arm. "No reminder necessary. You're mine, even if you make me sick half the time." Pinkie knew it was a joke, but it sort of stung. She just needed another laugh in her life. She lived in a depressing life.
"Alright, alright! No studying. But are you coming tomorrow?"
Rainbow chuckled. "Well, 'course not. Unless I heal immediately and I have time for it, duh."
"Not like you're going to pass anyways." If anyone but Pinkie had said it, Rainbow would've taken that comment as offensive. But she knew how Pinkie was, and took that joke like any other.
She just smiled, because she knew it made Pinkie happy when she made others smile. Besides, having Pinkie around actually did make her feel good. "Shut up. What are you even here for, to mock me? I invited you in so I could feel better, not worse."
"Alright. Want a hug? Those always make me feel better."
"No!" Rainbow managed to make out through her giggles as the two wrestled and played together.
Pinkie sat up a few minutes later. "Should I stay longer or head to Twi's for studying?"
"Stay."
"Right. Or do you want to come over with me?"
Rainbow smiled. Sometimes she wished she could make everything happy like Pinkie did. Especially studying. She needed good grades like the rest of her friends. "No, because I don't need to study. And if I go, you'll all just ignore me and instead pair up with your study sheets and flashcards."
"Ooh, you could help test us!"
"No."
"You could make flashcards while we do practice tests."
"No!"
"Why not highlight important things in our notes?"
"NO!"
Pinkie stopped talking. Had she taken it too far?
Rainbow looked at her quiet friend. Pinkie wasn't usually that quiet in a situation like this, not even for a good twenty seconds. She wondered if she'd said something wrong. "Are you alright? Did I do something wrong?"
Pinkie scooted closer to her friend. If only you knew. "No, not you. You could never."
Not me? But... "Then... is there something else bothering you that isn't my awesomeness?"
"Other than the pressure of the exam?"
Pinkie didn't seem to even notice the joke, didn't even joke back. Didn't mock her or anything. Rainbow now knew something was wrong. "Well, yeah, that too. Anything?"
Pinkie wanted to tell her. She wanted to tell everything. But she didn't want to be a burden. She didn't want to make anyone worry about her. She knew others saw her as the happiest, and she couldn't go back to being the saddest, ever. "I'm going to fail." Fail my life, sure.
"What?"
She let out a sigh. "What if I don't pass? What'll happen?"
Pinkie wasn't usually one to worry so much about her grades, but this was an incredibly important exam. Rainbow figured it might've made sense. "You'll pass. And if you don't? Well, you can make fun of me. Because I know you'll get higher than me."
She painted on a smile. "Thanks, Rainbow. Now, I'm going to actually study. Have fun in the dark!"
"Wait, I'm coming too."
"Really?"
"Yeah, sure. Might as well spend time with all my friends so that you can't keep bullying me." In reality, she was really concerned about Pinkie. She had to make sure Pinkie was alright, and studying was a low cost if it meant making sure her friend was doing fine.
"Sure, sure. I'll get you to do some work."
"Hey, go light on me. I'm too sick to be labored."
"Feel labored, I think."
"Ugh. I 'feel labored' already."
Now that enough studying had been done, Pinkie sat on Twilight's balcony, slowly eating the pizza she'd ordered for all her friends. Rainbow sat in Twilight's bedroom, eating none other than a good bowl of soup, watching Pinkie behind a curtain. She didn't want Pinkie to feel like she was being watched, she wanted her to share all her feelings as if no one was listening.
Unfortunately, the screen door was shut and Rainbow couldn't hear much. Maybe Pinkie didn't talk to herself? But when she stood up, walking towards the edge of the balcony, chewing slowly on the crust, Rainbow was sure Pinkie wasn't feeling right. She stood up and pushed the screen door open. She grabbed Pinkie's arms before she could do anything dangerous, dragging her inside.
She pushed her onto the bed. "Wha-"
As Dash joined her friend, sitting on the bed, she softly said, "Pinkie, I only came because I was worried about you. You admitted that you were bothered by something. When you grabbed my book, you stared at it for, like, twenty seconds before looking at me with a lifeless face. Now, you're eating outside, alone, slowly, walking towards the balcony, and, and..." Rainbow didn't know what to add.
"Are you... okay?"
Well, sure she was okay. She was smart, she was a good baker, and she had the best friends ever. But why she didn't feel okay, she had no idea. "I guess."
"Talk. More. You're not okay. I can tell."
"I am, Rainbow. Leave it be."
"You can't avoid me forever. Talk, please. You're making me worried," Rainbow rasped.
Pinkie sighed, not sure just how she would talk about it. She didn't want to, but Rainbow said it hurt her, and, if it meant making her friend feel better, she had to talk about herself. "Um. Have you ever felt depressed?"
Rainbow was shocked. Sure, she hoped Pinkie would say something like this, but she was still shocked regardless. She'd never really seemed depressed. "Maybe. I dunno. How does it feel to you?"
"I, well, it..." Pinkie stuttered, hesitating, "I don't like myself. I don't like hanging out. I say things like 'I want to kill myself' casually. I feel lifeless, like I might've already done it. I'm lost in life. I feel like punching my family sometimes. I stare at my phone doing nothing sometimes. I feel like a failure. And...
"I don't feel happy. Ever."
Dash frowned and hugged Pinkie, who tearfully returned the embrace. "Wow, Pinkie. You..."
She just nodded. "It's hard to take in, I get it. It's alright. I don't even deserve you."
"B- but you're amazing! Better than me, even. We love you and would miss you if anything happened—don't hurt yourself, ever. You help others find their place in life, and you're amazing at it. We all feel angry or sad sometimes. We all make mistakes, but we don't fail. We improve. We all get bored or feel lost. But if we have each other, we won't feel lost. We miss anyone who deserved something better. Like you. We all need someone like you. I need someone like you. A lot."
"Why... why would you miss me?"
Rainbow sighed. "You always seem to make everyone smile. You make me happy. You seem to... you just... you're the best at being happy. And I love that."
Pinkie Pie shifted her gaze down, a real smile on her face that she didn't want anyone to see. Talking about her problems seemed to help, but she didn't want anyone to know that she'd been so stupid and hadn't known of this quick cure of depression. She stared down at Rainbow's tear-stained hands. Had she worried about Pinkie?
"I'm so stupid."
"No, you're not. You're the best at making us smile."
"And yet I never once smiled."
"Who cares? You're still you. And you're amazing."
