Swan's Serenade: Payday is Magic

Chapters

Chapter 1: Swan Song
Chapter 2: Clown Case
Chapter 3: Fire and Sabers

Chapter 1: Swan Song

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria… You know what? No. Fuck that storybook shit. Here’s how it went down. Fucking golden age, Equestria got electric light, gas motorcars, and telephones in the span of a decade. Every home in the kingdom had a computer, all of them connected together by a magical frame called the Arcnet, Arcane Network. Even the Princesses decided that they had ruled the country alone for far too long, and left most of the business of government to an elected body, letting the better nature of ponies guide our shared future.

Here’s the problem, some ponies don’t HAVE a better nature, and a lot of the ones who ran for office were just the kind of pony you didn’t want getting power. Vain, greedy, and corrupt. Ponies who would sell their own souls for a chance at grabbing any kind of real power.

That’s where I come in. My job is to put those greedy bastards back into line. Oh no, not by going after them directly, getting them to throw themselves on their swords by hitting them where they hurt the most, their coffers.

My name is Swan Song. I’m a thief, stealing from the wealthy and connected for the betterment of Equestria, and of course, always looking out for my next big payday.

Harvest and Planter Bank. One of the largest banking conglomerates in the country, with outposts in every town. It was a trusted bastion of the Equestrian monetary system and that made it an attractive place for the less-than-ethical to stash their laundered bits. Of course Harvest and Planter held their money. Cash was cash, and the patronage of so many of the wealthy was marketed as a sign of excellence by the upper management.

This made them a target for me.

Any regular patrons of the bank would have amounts small enough to be insured, so I didn't feel anything wrong with making off with the contents of their vaults. Any heists on these banks hurt the wealthy, and the bank, far more than they hurt normal ponies, and I never once felt the need to pull my gun. Oh, sure, I was always carrying one, but only for the absolute worst case scenario. Even if I never wanted to draw it, having the giant revolver at my side made me feel safer when breaking into a bank.

Today though, one of the Manehatten branches of the bank was playing host to something that really got under my skin. The Manehatten Police Department was rotten to the core, taking bribes from the very gangs they were supposed to defend the public from, and the pigs were stashing their latest haul, before it could be divvied out to the cops on the beat.

The cops are allowed to steal from us, aren't they? Well, it seems only fair then that I be allowed to steal from them. I at least plan to put it to good use, rather than it ending up, eventually, into some wealthy bastard's horde.

"Oh yeah, work that shit..."

"Mind if I interrupt?" I suppressed a laugh as the ash-gray pegasus nearly fell out of his wheelchair. He scrambled to close his laptop, very angrily looking up at me.

"Swan, can't you ever come in through the front door?"

"I could, Kilo, but where's the fun in that? Hey, maybe one of these days, I'll get you so good it'll cause your legs to grow back." I offered good-naturedly. Kilo wasn't as amused, rolling his eyes as he wheeled himself over to a door in the back of his shop. "Got what I asked for?"

"I cleaned it up nice and special for you, Swan." Kilo said as he opened the door with a wing. Kilo's workshop was an immaculate space. Weapons, spare parts, and maintenance tools lined the walls or were neatly sorted in cabinets and shelves. A large workbench sat in the center, where an immaculately maintained old army revolver rested on a stand. "You know that thing's an antique, right? I can get you something more modern."

"I know that that gun is the last thing I have of my family, Kilo. It was my grandfather's and~"

"And the only thing you were able to steal from the police impound when you were a kid. Yeah... Still, you could be using something from this century at least." Kilo waved me off. "You gonna pay me for restoring it or what?"

I dropped a stack of 20 bit notes onto the workbench as I picked up the old Peacemaker revolver. I admit, I put the old thing through the wringer multiple times. I took care of it as best I could, but eventually I just had to give it over to the professional.

"I'm not giving up Grandpa's pistol, but maybe I'll take a modern rifle. Got a KA?" I asked, looking around at the various automatic rifles on the walls.

"Oh no, you're not using any of that trash. The KA sacrifices accuracy for reliability. You want a rifle that will hit the target every time, not one that never jams." Kilo shook his head. "I don't have anything for you here right now, come back in a few days, I'll have a proper rifle for you. Got plans?"

"Nothing too special, I'm hitting a bank pretty soon to piss off the pigs. I just got a feeling that I'm gonna need some heavier firepower pretty soon." I shrugged, sliding the revolver into its holster on my hip. It felt right having it there.

"Yeah, business has been really good lately, I think you're right to feel like something's coming." Kilo shook his head. "Where are you hitting?"

"Harvest and Planter, the branch on 32nd and 2nd. Got anything on the inside?" I asked hopefully. Kilo had a freakish amount of connections. He seemed to know anyone and everyone somehow.

"Hmm... Let me think..." Kilo opened his laptop again, pointedly avoiding the tab with his porn, to open up a list of schematics. He laughed. "Oh yeah, it's an old building, there's an air vent into the vault. They've got it disguised on the roof as a service shaft, so you'll have to pick a lock, but after that you're in the clear."

I hugged Kilo in his chair.

"You're the best, Kilo."

"Yeah, I know. Plus, you getting in and out means more money in my pocket. Oh, hey, Hypnos got you performing in Canterlot next week, right?"

"How did you... Nevermind. Yeah, she got me booked at some club in the Old City, a really nice place, and it pays pretty well too." I smiled. It was hard to figure out which one was my actual job and which was my hobby, lounge singing and bank robbing were both talents of mine.

"Keep an eye out, I got friends up there. Friends I think you'd 'like'." Kilo raised his eyebrows provocatively. I snorted.

"Yeah, sure, as if I'd ever go slumming with one of your 'friends', Kilo."

"Says one of my oldest friends."

"Your only friend, which is how I know."

Kilo laying out how to get in was going to make this heist almost painfully easy, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to be careful. No daylight raids if they didn't need to be and if I had a way into the vault through a vent, then I didn't need the door unlocked.

I spent the day getting everything ready. Fitting the winch into a saddlebag was probably the hardest part, getting the rig in there without breaking it. Then came casing the place. It was a busy location, which kept me from going too deep in, also kept me from parking my car close by, much to my irritation. I stood on the opposite side of the street, leaning against a stoop while taking a long drag from a cigarette as I looked over the bank. Kilo was right, it was a really old building, kept up to code with the cheapest means possible, which meant all the better for my interests. The fire escape was bolted onto the side in an alleyway, with a ladder that dropped straight from the catwalks to the ground. Evidently Harvest and Planter didn't even want to pay extra for a sliding ladder. I was almost surprised that there was even a gate keeping people from going into the alley. It had a cheap padlock closing it.

There was a rationale behind it, I suppose. If you didn't want people poking their noses into something, there are two ways to go about doing that. You either make it as outwardly threatening as possible, using barbed wire and hulking brutes with guns, or you make it so outwardly mundane and boring that no one would ever think it was even worth poking around. Hiding in plain sight was a strategy after all.

I pressed my cigarette into the side of the stoop to extinguish it, tossing it in a nearby garbage can as I walked away. Easy in, hopefully easy out. Simple winch back up the vent, back down the fire escape, either on this building or one of the nearby buildings. The out was the most important part, since I had to make off with the loot once I had it, preferably without getting killed or arrested.

I walked around a few blocks, killing time after nightfall. I didn't want to go in as soon as it was dark. Every hour I waited decreased the chance of me being spotted by a random pedestrian, plus it gave me time to scope out a few other possible methods of escape. It was around 11pm when I made it back to Harvest and Planter and I got straight to work.

Looking around one last time, I pulled my mask on over my face. Even if I didn't expect witnesses or cameras, I wasn't taking any chances. The light around my horn was faint, I didn't need to be pushing hard, just enough to work my lockpicks. Sure, I heard stories of experienced thieves being able to use just their magic to open locks, manipulating the tumblers and pins, I even saw that in a few video games, but that was way beyond my level, though I liked to think I had gotten pretty good with my lockpick set. Careful manipulation of the pick and the lock fell open. The gate squeaked as it opened, but I didn't pay it any mind. There was no one around, I could afford a little sound.

Making my way up the fire escape, I spared a glance across the skyline of Manehatten. I loved this city at night, even if I hated the people who ran it. The door disguising the air shaft was locked, like Kilo said it would be, though it was even easier than the padlock to click open. I dropped my saddlebags down to prop the door open, before pulling out the winch parts. I had used it before as part of a zipline assembly, so I already knew it could carry both my weight and whatever I was holding onto, which in this case would be duffle bags full of cash and valuables. I looked at my watch, setting an alarm. An hour and a half, that was all I needed.

Lowering myself down, I carefully moved the vent grate before poking my head down. The vault looked as old as the building. No cameras, lots of safe deposit boxes. Four saran wrapped blocks of cash. The money was beautiful AND I had time to comb through the safes. I dropped the duffle bags down before lowering myself to the ground.

"It's beautiful." I whispered happily. "Absolutely beautiful."

I could tell this was dirty pig money, not a single note to be found over 20 bits, any larger and it'd be easy to trace. While that limited the haul, it did make my job easier. Meant that it was unlikely to contain a dye pack, though I still checked every wad of cash as it went into my bags. Every bank strap was worth 2,000 bits, and I was throwing hundreds into my bags. It was better than any drug, the elation of stealing from the corrupt.

The feeling of weight as I hefted up one of the duffle bags was the weight of 2 million bits. It was soon joined by a second, equally heavy bag. As I lifted myself back up the vent, I started thinking about what I was going to do with it. When you steal this much money at once, the last thing you want to do is spend it. Most of it was going to go to a black market broker I knew, stashing it in a bank account away from the prying eyes of Equestrian law enforcement. Mine was in Alexandramare, my hard stolen bits living it up in a private account alongside other underworld luminaries. But, out of a 4 million haul, just counting the bits, I was looking at a solid 350,000 bits I could keep for myself, the rest going into my rainy day fund. That new gun from Kilo, some renovations on my home, maybe a nice vacation. There was always a way to pay for things in cash.

I kissed the bags as I set them down on the roof with my saddlebags.

"Now you two don't go anywhere. Momma's gonna make one last look around before taking you home."

Second rappel down, I got to work on the safes. I had a policy when it came to these. I only stole what could be replaced from these. Normal, everyday ponies used these, and I had no issue with them. That is... until I opened the first box.

It was a stack of papers, the top of which was a letter, addressed from Ludwig Schweinhurst, the current member of Parliament for the city of Manehatten.

'Guten tag, Herr Commissioner.

I'm writing to thank you for your generosity in providing police escort for the safekeeping of my property as it was moved to the First City Bank. As you know, I went to great expense to acquire that gift from the Prime Minister, and I can assure you that his own generosity will extend down to you, Herr Commissioner.

I look forward to working with you more in the future.

Signed,
Ludwig Schweinhurst, MP for Greater Manehatten.'

"First City Bank?" I stared at the letter. What the hell was the pig keeping at First City that warranted police protection? My interest was piqued, enough that it distracted me in thought. The alarm on my watch went off. I sighed. Time to leave, any longer and I started to risk discovery on the way down. Closing the safe, I hooked myself back up to the winch, replacing the vent grate on the way back up.

I disassembled the winch as soon as I reached the roof, throwing everything back into my saddlebags and closing the door behind me. No evidence of my entry, save the disappearance of the cash. Hefting everything onto my back, I began to make my way back down the fire escape, dropping the duffle bags to the ground before descending the last ladder.

I quickly moved everything across the street, tossing it behind a dumpster before pulling my mask off. With the cover of an unmasked face, I took off at a steady trot to where I left my car. I spent way too much on the parking meter, just to keep myself from having to pay a ticket. When I lived a life of grand crimes, something as little as a parking ticket could end up dooming me. Spend a little now to make a lot later. That was how I treated planning my heists. Sure, I put nearly twenty bits into the meter to reserve a spot overnight, but I was making off with four million. A fine tradeoff in my opinion.

I pulled around to where I left my bags, throwing everything into the back seat. When I drove off, I finally relaxed, and started laughing.

"That was perfect! Perfect!" I patted the wheel. "I love payday! Oh, Celestia! I love payday!"

I kept driving, leaving the bustling streets of Manehatten Island behind. I didn't live in the city itself, it was too expensive and made me too easy to follow if I ever needed to get away. A nice, two story house in Yokers, a suburb on the mainland. Everything had gone so well that my phone ringing right as I pulled into my driveway almost made me crash through my own wall.

"Hypnos, you almost gave me a heart attack." I gasped into the phone as I answered. "It's my night off."

"I know, I know, but I wanted to ask how it went." The silky voice of Hypnotic Dreams, my regular employer, came over the line. "I know you tend to have exciting nights when you're not at work."

"It went well, part of why your phone call nearly killed me, Hypnos. Don't worry, it wasn't enough to convince me to quit. I'd be too bored anyway if I retired." I chuckled.

"Well congratulations. I do love when you have a fruitful night and I love hearing that I'm keeping my favorite singer. There's another reason I called too. Are you still good to perform in Canterlot next week?"

"Of course, Hypnos! You know I'd never turn up a chance to sing in the Old City. Oh! There's something I need to ask you too. You moved my 401k to the First City Bank, right?"

"I did, you'll have to go in to confirm it was transferred over however. Are you already planning something new?"

"Just came across something that I wanted to check out, Hypnos. Alright, I gotta go, gonna get some sleep. I'll be in on time tomorrow."

"No worries, Dulcet. Have a good night." Hypnos hung up, leaving me smiling in my garage. I was already thinking about my next payday.

Author's Note

Earned 4,000,000 bits for completing the contract. Made it out with two bag(s) for a total value of 4,000,000 bits. Did not steal any loose items and cash.

Sent to offshore account: 3,690,000 bits
Change in available spending cash: 310,000 bits

Chapter 2: Clown Case

"Is that a new dress?" Hypnos asked me as I came out of my dressing room. I nodded, placing a quick peck on her blackcurrant flavored lips. It always gave me a buzz to taste blackcurrants, especially when it was from kissing my boss, I never understood why.

"Do you like it? I saw it earlier today and, well, I had some extra cash." I smiled.

"Maybe I'm paying you too much." Hypnos laughed, shaking her head. "Hey, after your set, stick around. I want to talk to you about your 401k."

"You're not gonna talk me out of it, right?" I asked, my smile sinking. "Because I trust that it's a safe investment."

"What? Oh, no, some things just came up that you'll want to know." Hypnos waved her hoof at me. "Nothing too important. Go up and sing, we'll talk about it more afterwards."

I loved my performances at the Midnight Escape. Every mare in the club had eyes on me and was swayed by my voice. The moment was serene and while I was on stage, the moment was mine. I had a few favorites for the crowd, a few old songs I knew that always went down well, mixed with a couple renditions of labor songs.

"Do you want a ball and chain 'round your ankles, or one... between your eyes! Go on and leave, I dare ya." I smiled at the applause as I finished. I bowed, stepping down from the stage. One of Hypnos' scantily clad waitresses passed me a glass of whiskey, paid for by a patron. I loved regulars, they knew me so well.

"So, what was it you wanted to talk about?" I asked as I walked into Hypnos' office, taking a swig from my glass.

"I just wanted to be sure you really were going to head to the bank before leaving for Canterlot." Hypnos shrugged. "It's a big trip for you, I don't want you to ruin it for yourself."

"Oh, no, it's all fine, Hypnos. I promise. I was going to head to the bank tomorrow, actually." I smiled sweetly. "I like to take care of things as soon as they turn up."

"I figured, but didn't want to assume." Hypnos laughed. "Well, you take care of things at First City and good luck in Canterlot, Dulcet."

"Want me to get you anything while I'm there?"

"Hmm... If you can pick me up a Princess or two?" Hypnos smirked. She loved to rub it in how Princess Celestia herself frequented the club.

"As if you need my help with that." I laughed. "Hey, maybe I'll bring home a man this time."

"As if Canterlot stallions are anything worth wanting. Nobles and inbreds the lot of them. Trust me, pick yourself up a nice mare, Canterlot mares seem stuck up, but they're a lot of fun once you get them to open up."

"Weren't you raised in Canterlot?"

"Exactly, who knows better than a native? Or, whatever I am, since I left Canterlot decades ago."

"Good morning, Miss Dulcet, what can I help you with today?" The bank manager smiled as I stepped into his office. Lien Rigger, I think he name is, was a friendly enough pony on the surface, if somewhat boring. Boring is good.

"Well, Mr. Rigger, I was looking to see about going over my current finances, and hoping that 1st City would be able to help." I said sweetly. Nothing about it was a lie, per se. I did legally bank here and my finances were about to be helped considerably by the bank. "Mrs. Dreams said something about my retirement fund being transferred here from Harvest and Planter after she herself changed banks to you."

Again, none of it is a lie.

"Of course, ma'am! Just give me one moment." Lien's brow furrowed as he tapped away on his computer. After a few moments, he snorted, shaking his head. "I'm very sorry, Miss Dulcet. We've recently switched over to a new system, there are still a few bugs here and there."

"That's... I hope I can still access my accounts here." This was the best possible news I could have heard today. It was hard keeping the sheer elation at this development out of my voice.

"Oh, of course, Miss Dulcet. Why don't you wait in the lounge while I bring in tech support. It shouldn't take more than fifteen minutes, a half hour at the absolute most." Lien back out of the office. I nodded as I turned to leave.

"I certainly hope so, Mr. Rigger."

Closing the door behind me, I started towards the customer lounge, before making a sudden turn down a side hallway. This led to the back entrance. If anyone asked, I was going back to smoke. I had taken this route to the back a dozen times before, so ponies knew to expect it from me. This was the key to hitting a bank this big. Harvest and Planter were just too small for anything besides a smash and grab. 1st City required preplanning, routines, and believable cover. It's why I even showed up today at all.

The back entrance opened up to the employee parking lot, hidden from public view by the newer buildings around the old bank, and with plenty of cover this time of day thanks to all the cars. More important than all of that, however, was a single cobble on the old stone lot. Lifting it up, I fished out a classy suit, a pair of large saddlebags, my trusty revolver, and my mask. I slid out of my dress, stashing it away in the bottom of my bag, and threw on the suit. After checking the rounds on my revolver, I fit the mask over my face, and took a deep breath. I moved silently back through the empty hallway. Just before reaching the open bank floor, I took a deep breath.

"Let's do this."

Moving back in the way I had come, it was easy to make my way unseen to the main lobby of the bank.

"Everypony get on the fucking ground!" I shouted, firing my gun once into the air. The dozen or so in the lobby immediately dropped. One of them began crying. "No phones, no alarms, I have enough to put a round in everyone here! You lot! Get the fuck out here! Away from the counters!"

I gestured for the tellers to come out. I was taking a huge risk being this open, but I needed at least one of them. One of the tellers, a red stallion with a candy cane-striped mane, held a keyring in the open as he came out.

"You! Candy-mane! Over here!" I motioned for him to come over. "Can you get into the vault?"

"Um, uh, y-yeah." He stammered, focusing more on the gun than me. "I have access to all the safes."

"Good. You stay here." I took a deep breath, before shooting one of the fire sprinklers. "Everypony else get the fuck out! Now! Get the fuck out of here now!"

The fire alarms began ringing, drowning out everything else. As people began fleeing the bank, I dragged the stallion with me into the back, towards the vault.

"Open the vault. I'm looking for a specific safe. You know where Schweinhurst's safe is?"

"The pig? Oh, if you're just robbing him, feel free, I voted for Carter." The stallion laughed, almost instantly at ease. He yanked open the immense vault door, then pulled a specific key from his ring. "Here, unit 758."

"Huh... thanks. Not a fan of the pig, huh?" I asked as I began looking for the safe in question. The key fit perfectly upon finding it.

"I have access to his account records, bastard takes bribes, I'm sure of it. Name's Aftershow Menagerie by the way."

"Pleasure meeting you." I rolled my eyes as the safe door opened, revealing the large stacks of bits inside, framing a curiously large jewelry box. This must be it. I started stuffing the money into my saddlebags. Taking the jewelry box, I opened it to find a large, ornate golden necklace with a gem cut to look like a balloon. "Alright, Aftershow, you got any idea what this is?"

"Not a clue, but I know a guy who might." Aftershow shrugged. "Want me to give him a call?"

"What?" I looked him over. This was a setup. It had to be. He was being way too helpful. "What's your deal?"

"I hate my job and we both hate the hog. I'd rather help you out than help either of the things you're hitting."

"That... makes sense. Alright. Come out back with me, I'm gonna need a believable cover." I nodded, throwing the box into my bag. We took off running, making our way to the back parking lot. "You got a phone?"

"Yeah, what do you need it for? It's cover?" Aftershow pulled out his phone as he asked.

"You're going to report the crime, I'm going to make it believable. Make the call when I signal you to."

"What's the sig~ah! FUCK!" Aftershow stumbled back as I punched him between the eyes, though he got the idea quickly and dialed the phone. "Hello?! Police!? F-fuck! There's been a robbery at the 1st City Bank!"

I quickly began ditching my loot and gear, dumping almost everything into a dumpster, only pulling a short dress free from my bag. With practiced ease, I slid out of my suit, tossed it with my gear, and slipped on the dress. I caught Aftershow staring right as I threw my mask in, then stared myself as he seamlessly lied.

"Yes, the robber forced me to open the safe. I was assaulted after the vault door opened and was dragged to safety by a client of mine at the bank. We're near the back entrance, taking cover behind a motorcar. Yes, the robber is armed. A revolver. No, I can't confirm anything else. Thank you. Yes, yes thank you! We'll stay behind cover until responders arrive, thank you." He grinned as he hung up. "Miss Dulcet, I'm surprised you bank with us."

Aftershow took the lead in talking to the cops, giving his own statement and politely dissuading them from talking to me.

"Come on now, she's clearly shaken by the whole event. She dragged me to safety, that's enough excitement for one day, don't you guys think?"

"Eh, less paperwork for us. If we need further statements, we'll give you a call." The beat cop shrugged. There was no excitement here, the robbery was over, why would he be interested. As he walked off, I sighed. Aftershow grinned.

"Wait right here, I'm going to quit, then we can head out."

"Why are you helping me?" I held him back. "You just met me."

"Well, you saved my life." Aftershow smiled genuinely. "And I'm not talking about my official statement."

"I... I did?" I blinked. This stallion had to be insane. I held a gun on him, I punched him.

"Yeah. You did, I'll explain later." Aftershow's smile turned to a sheepish grin. "You wouldn't happen to have a car, would you? I walk to get around."

Now it was my turn to smile. I nodded.

"Yeah, I'll pull it around while you go to quit, I'll be waiting for you back here."

Aftershow practically skipped back into the bank, while I moved over to my car, pulling it close to the dumpster I left my loot and gear in. Close enough that I could discretely levitate my bags back out and into the trunk of my car. I got a whiff right before I shut the trunk. Ugggh, everything there was getting a wash before it went back on my body. I frowned slightly. Not a single bit went into my bag this time around. Hopefully that necklace was worth what it took to get it.

I didn't have to wait long for Aftershow to come back out, practically hovering as he opened the passenger door.

"That happy to quit, huh?"

"I HATED that job. I only took it because I needed the money. I'm a circus performer, not a stuffy bank clerk." Aftershow jumped into the seat and closed the door in a single motion. "You gave me the kick I needed to finally quit, plus, I think I can help you more in the future."

"I can lie well enough on my own." I rolled my eyes. My car pulled away from the bank. "Aside from this appraiser you know, what skills do you even bring to the table, circus clown?"

"Well, I'll have you know that I've never been hit by anything, ever. My brothers all called it my 'uncanny dodge'." Aftershow said. "Plus, I can fix just about anything with the right amount of percussive maintenance."

"When I use equipment, it's delicate, I'm not letting you go around hitting shit to make it work." I protested, turning where Aftershow directed me to turn.

"Hey, does your radio work?" He asked without warning.

"No, it hasn't worked in years." I shook my head.

Aftershow slammed his hoof down on the radio. It crackled with static, before flaring to life with the current music. I looked at him in awe for a moment.

"And it'll work just as well during our next heist." Aftershow laughed. We were headed for Lower Manehatten, the rows of identical apartment buildings framed between gargantuan skyscrapers. Be they rich or poor, if someone lived downtown, they lived in one of these buildings.

I didn't even have time to notice that he had practically just invited himself into my work when he told me to stop the car. "We're here! An old friend of mine lives in apartment 593."

"Who is this friend, exactly?" I asked Aftershow while feeding bits into the meter. 10 bits for two hours, that was highway robbery.

"Escrow, we went to school together!" Aftershow explained. Did he always talk with that chipper tone? That might get annoying as time went on. "He's an insurance appraiser now, does a lot of work from home."

"And you trust him enough to bring him stolen jewelry to appraise?" I gagged as I opened my trunk, pulling out my revolver and the necklace case, then quickly closing my trunk. Great, I had to clean out the whole trunk. This is why I normally hid loot BEHIND dumpsters.

"Absolutely. Escrow isn't much of a fan of the police either, dealing with insurance claims from them breaking shit all the time." Aftershow nodded, walking up to the door and buzzing a number in. "Escrow! It's me! Come on, buddy, we're celebrating tonight, I just quit my job!"

"WHAT?!" A slightly nasal voice came from the speaker. "Aftershow, you didn't! How are you gonna afford your place now?"

"Let me in and I'll explain!" Aftershow laughed. The door unlocked with a buzz.

"Fine, I'll lecture you in person." Escrow's exasperation was clear in his voice. Aftershow nodded to me, motioning for me to follow him in. Five flights of stairs did wonders in reminding me why I loved my winch setup.

Apartment 593 was the last one on the floor, a plain, unassuming but reasonably well-to-do exterior. It matched the nerdy looking green pegasus who opened the door, peering out at the pair of us through a pair of thick-lensed glasses.

"Aftershow, who is this? You didn't say anything about having company." Escrow looked at me, eyeing my revolver nervously.

"This is Dulc~" Aftershow began

"I'm Swan Song." I cut Aftershow off. "Can we come inside?"

"I, w-well, since you're with Aftershow, I suppose." Escrow opened the door. The interior was nice, almost homey, without feeling cramped. He clearly lived alone, if the lack of sofa was anything to go off of. "Is this to do with Aftershow quitting his job?"

"Yes, actually. Aftershow tells me you're an appraiser. Well, I have something I need identified and I need you to promise that you won't tell anyone you saw it, understand?" I said evenly. Escrow gulped, looking between me and Aftershow.

"I promise, Escrow, I trust her and I trust you." Aftershow encouraged.

"Yes, yes I suppose I can agree to those terms, Miss Song. What do you have for me?" Escrow nodded. I pulled out the case, revealing the necklace. Escrow's face lost color.

"So you know what this is then." I set the necklace down on a coffee table.

"Where did you get this?" Escrow's voice quivered.

"The pig was keeping it in my bank." Aftershow said. "So what is it?"

"This is Laughter. An Element of Harmony. One of the most powerful artifacts in Equestria." Escrow gently picked up the necklace in his wings. "How did Schweinhurst get this? Where are the others?"

"If that's an Element... I'm more concerned with why Schweinhurst has it." I looked at Escrow. "Can you find the others?"

"I mean, with enough time, probably." Escrow nodded. "But they aren't going to be easy to get even if I can find them."

"Well, that's what thieves like me are good for." I looked to Aftershow. "You still want in?"

"Just makes me want in more, and, of course, we'll need to cut Escrow in." Aftershow smiled at his friend.

"Oh no, I can't get involved in anything criminal." Escrow's eyes widened, he shook his head.

"You don't have to be out stealing with us, you can run support. You know, eyes in the sky. You love hacking into cameras." Aftershow put a hoof on Escrow's shoulder, looking at me with a dopey grin. "I stand by his skill on a computer."

"Well, if we are going after this, then you two lay low for now. I've got a regular work trip to Canterlot coming up, no heisting with me until I get back. Escrow, you work on finding the other Elements, Aftershow, think you can find us a safehouse? It needs to be inconspicuous, out of the way. Don't worry about the price, I'll take care of that. Think you can manage?"

Aftershow saluted.

"Yes ma'am!"

"Alright. Now, come on, I'll drive you home."

Author's Note

Earned 0 bits for completing the contract. Did not steal any loose items and cash.

Picked up "Element of Laughter"
5 Elements Remain

__________
The line sung in the Midnight Escape comes from the song Dare Master by the Wasteland Wailers, the musical team of Overmare Studios
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-0cgHsPIv0&pp=ygUdZGFyZSBtYXN0ZXIgd2FzdGVsYW5kIHdhaWxlcnM%3D

Chapter 3: Fire and Sabers

Canterlot was good for my singing career, but sweet Celestia, I hate it here. Manehatten had a nasty upper crust, but they were nothing compared to the hoighty toighty Canterlot elite. They didn't even allow cars in the Old City, something about cars 'not keeping with the traditional aesthetic'. I think they just don't want people getting the city's precious streets dirty.

The Old City is the part everypony knows, built on the side of Canterlot Mountain, with a skyline dominated by Canterlot Castle. Don't ask me which one was named first, that was long before even Celestia's time. Lower Canterlot, that's the proper city portion, down at the base of the mountain, connected by a rail line: skyscrapers, paved roads, and logical urban planning. Whoever planned out the streets of Old City Canterlot must have been high on something, a street map of the city looks more like magic runes than city blocks.

Now, I admit, I was already irritated when I arrived in Canterlot. I've never been able to sleep while traveling, so I had no rest.

"I say, just look at that one there, some kind of street rat by the looks of it."

My head snapped up at hearing those words, looking at the smarmy bastard who spoke them. He wasn't addressing me, rather a little colt with his 'provincial' family. I wasn't going to make a scene. No, I wasn't going to make~

"How about you mind your own fucking business, tightass." I snapped without thinking, my horn flaring to life. The rich bastard turned to me, looked me over, and rolled his eyes. He rolled his fucking eyes at me. It took a monumental effort to not buck him. I took a deep breath. It wasn't worth getting arrested. I didn't want to get a parking ticket back home, I didn't want to get an assault charge here... At least I now had his wallet. A few hundred bits fell into my saddlebags before I discreetly tossed the wallet down a storm drain. Yeah, he had credit cards, but those were almost never worth stealing, they were too easy to track when everything was going digital.

I hated Canterlot, but at least the pickings were good.

My venue for the night was relatively easy to find, Club Griff wasn't far from the train station, with a marquis bedecked with griffons. The clientele was... typical. Even now, in the mid-afternoon, the drunken sons of the Canterlot elite were scattered throughout the club, spending their parent's money with wild abandon.

I exchanged some basic pleasantries with the owner, a squat golden griffon named Amber Wing. I didn't like him, but he was doing Hypnos, and me, a huge favor by letting me perform here and paying well for the night on top of that, so I was at least polite. At least I'm pretty sure I was being polite. I only barely paid attention, even with his Commonwealth accent, past confirming when I was supposed to go on stage and where my dressing room was.

Setting my saddlebags down in my dressing room, I sat down at a large vanity, thinking about everything that had happened in the last week. The Elements of Harmony? I had stumbled upon one of the greatest magical artifacts in the entire kingdom and in doing so had roped two people into my heisting. Finding an artifact and having a crew. Neither was expected or particularly welcome. Both risked putting increased scrutiny on me, especially since neither Aftershow nor Escrow seemed particularly capable of heisting.

My phone rang.

"Yes ma'am?" I held the phone up with magic as I started to get ready for my performance.

"Just calling to make sure you got in and making sure you didn't get in trouble." Hypnos' sultry voice came over the line.

"If I got arrested, you would have been the first to know. Have a little faith in me." I laughed, rolling my eyes as I slipped into my dress, a shimmering sequin blue gown that I bought for the occasion.

"I know, but I also know that the typical ponies you run into in the Old City aren't the kind of ponies you like to be around, so I had concerns."

"You worry too much, it's fine," I assured her. She was right, but nothing serious had happened. A knock came at my door. Showtime. "Look, I gotta get onstage, Hypnos."

"Alright. Break a leg, Swan." Hypnos offered me luck before hanging up. I stepped out of the dressing room and was led to the stage in a far corner of the club. Amber gave out introductions.

"And now, my friends, our entertainment for the evening, coming all the way from Manehatten, please welcome Miss Dulcet Swan!"

The patrons clapped when I was introduced, there were a few wolf whistles, then a tiny hooffull of ponies paid attention as I started my set. There were some horny gazes, for sure, but next to no one was listening to the music. Ah well, I expected as much. My eyes scanned the crowd as I sang. Most of the patrons were pretty unimpressive. A mix of snooty noble scions and college age ponies from the college down in Lower Canterlot. A couple more mature stallions and mares were closer to the bar. One of them actually managed to catch my eye.

He was tall, and muscular, with a deep blue coat and a dirty blonde mane and tail. His eyes were the color of the sky and they locked with mine before I realized I was staring. I looked away, but I could have sworn I saw his lips curl into a smirk. One last thing about him stood out to me as I looked away. His right leg didn't end in a hoof. Rather, it ended in a scaley, clawed hand, like a dragon's.

My set continued, the songs I chose taking on a more and more leftist streak to them. I had already decided what I was going to sing to finish out. Sure, an old socialist labor song sung in the heart of the nobility was a risk, but why not? Tartarus be damned, I doubted I'd ever be coming back to Canterlot anyway. I don't think anyone even noticed when I sang it.

"Oh Princess, don't you call me, 'cause I can't go. I loaned my soul to the company store!" I trilled out the final notes, before bowing. I took a sip of water as I stepped down from the stage, giving my flank a little swish as I walked off. With all of that over, I could enjoy the perks of performing at high end clubs. The free booze.

I walked up to the bar, taking a seat that just so happened to be right beside that handsome stallion, though I at least pretended not to notice. I waved to the bartender.

"Wild Pegasus, on the rocks."

"Coming right up, Miss Dulcet." The bartender nodded, pulling out a glass and a bottle of the hard liquor.

"You have good taste, Miss Dulcet." The handsome stallion turned slightly on his barstool to look towards me. "Almost as good as your lovely voice."

"I'd thank you for just complimenting my voice, complimenting my drink just seems like flattery, mister...?" I asked, meeting the stallion's smirk with one of my own.

"Moonsaber and it isn't flattery if it is the truth." He took a sip from his drink as the bartender passed me my glass. "I don't think I've heard you singing here before. Is this your first time in Canterlot?"

"It is, yes. I was born and raised in Manehattan, but my employer managed to get me booked here tonight." I took an unladylike swig from my glass. "It paid well enough, though I don't think I fit in very well around here."

Moonsaber waved his hoof dismissively.

"I wouldn't worry about that too much. A good three quarters here are already inebriated right now and the rest have their eyes on other ponies."

"I noticed you had your eyes fixed on me the whole time I was on stage. Are you in that three quarters?"

"Oh no, I'm sober enough to enjoy the performance of a professional."

"Well, a professional curiosity then, what do you do for a living?"

"Oh, nothing too important. I work with the Crown. Anyway, isn't a bar the best place to get away from work?"

I suppressed a snort, ending up with something that sounded close enough to a giggle.

"It would be, but I work at bars and clubs. So, this is work."

"And you do an impressive job of it." Moonsaber held his drink up. "Here's to a successful night on the job."

"Here here." I smiled, clinking my glass against his, before we both downed our drinks.

"Well, if this is work, could I perhaps offer a bit of an escape?" Moonsaber asked

"Are all agents of the Crown this forward, or is it just you?" I countered, already knowing I was going home with him.

"I'm feeling daring tonight." Moonsaber offered an open claw.

"My, such daring deserves to be rewarded then. Let me go get my things, then we can head out."

The sunbeam fell right on my eyes through the window, stirring me from sleep. I turned over in bed, yawning. Something strong and warm was draped around my midsection. I felt amazing like I hadn't felt in... ok, I don't want to admit how long it's been since I've woken up in bed with a stallion, let's just say it's been too long.

Moonsaber was still asleep. His deep breaths pressed his chest into me with a delightful rhythm. Something about him seemed protective, it felt safe. I nuzzled deeper into his embrace and felt him stir. A clawed hand gripped my flank.

"Good morning, Dulcet." Moonsaber smiled.

"Mmmmph. Good morning, Saber. Already interested in another round?" I asked playfully, planting a kiss on his chest. He chuckled.

"Of course I'm interested, but we don't have time, I have to report for duty in an hour." Moonsaber shook his head, kissing me before he got up out of bed.

"Right, right, Mr. Agent of the Crown." I rolled my eyes. My gaze drifted over to a clock on his nightstand. 0630? Weird, it was a 24 hour clock. Those weren't supposed to be the norm in Canterlot, save for soldiers and train conduct~... Oh no... "It's barely dawn though, what possible assignment requires you to be up right after dawn?"

"Well... I suppose you should know. I'm in the Royal Guard." Moonsaber admitted. He pulled a suit of Royal Guard armor, the ceremonial armor they wore around the Royal Palace anyway, out of his closet and began to fit it on his body.

"Oh wow... But, why didn't you say something before?" I asked. This wasn't bad, he was a great guy, and by Celestia, he was good in bed. The Royal Guard weren't cops, their only job was to protect the Princesses and the Castle. I didn't rob the castle. There was no reason that this was bad, right?

"I didn't want you to be attracted to my position more than you were to me." He placed his helmet on and my eyes widened further. That was a Captain's plume... Still fine, still no reason to worry. I was a bankrobber in Manehattan, there was no reason to worry about ever having to confront this uncomfortable situation.

"I guess that's fair, but you don't have to worry, Saber. I'm into you for you." And despite me being a bankrobber of course, he didn't need to know about that. He smiled.

"I'm happy to hear that, Dulcet. May I escort you anywhere on my way to the palace?" He offered a hoof. I slipped out of bed, sliding my saddlebags on.

"Well, if you know any cafes nearby, I wouldn't mind a nice coffee before I have to catch a train back to Manehattan." I smiled, taking his hoof.

I let my worries drift away as we walked down the streets of Canterlot. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I didn't even keep an eye out for anything to steal. No eyeing exposed displays or looking for wallets. Just a nice walk with a nice guy. We shared a kiss at a little corner cafe before he had to bid farewell.

"I'll call you as soon as I'm off duty," Moonsaber promised.

"I look forward to it." I smiled. I sat down at a table, waving to him until he rounded a street corner. I already felt lonely again.

"Ah, there you are, lass." Amber Wing seemed to appear out of nowhere, sliding into the chair beside me at my table. "You wandered off last night, I didn't get to pay you. I was on my way to mail your check to Hypnos and here you are."

"Oh, yeah, sorry Amber. I, uh, got distracted." I offered sheepishly as an excuse.

"That's one word for it." He laughed, then leaned in close. "I got a job for you. You hit First City in Manehattan last week, right?"

My blood froze in my veins.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I tried not to look nervous.

"Of course, of course. Well, I know what was kept in there by a certain politician, and 'whoever' stole it will certainly be looking for the others." Amber said nonchalantly, idly tapping a talon against the table. "I happen to know where one of them is, provided said pony grabs something for me while she's there."

"Alright, for the sake of argument, what exactly would you be wanting?" I asked, keeping my voice even.

"There's some cargo moving through, a very special container holding something I want. You'll know it when you see it."

I gulped, then took a deep breath.

"Where is it?"

"It will be arriving in Bronclyn tomorrow aboard the Merry Voyager, along with my cargo. Get my cargo to a train I'll have ready at the docks, I'll pay handsomely. Plus, you'll already be there getting the trinket." Amber held out a claw. "Deal?"

I nodded, shaking his claw.

"Deal."

I waited for Amber to leave before pulling out my phone. I couldn't wait for the train. I needed to leave Canterlot now if I wanted to get the Element and Amber's... property.

"Swan, I swear you never fucking call me at good times." Kilo's voice came over the line.

"Yeah yeah, shut up for a sec, Kilo. I need to call in a favor. You know some movers here in Canterlot right?" I asked quickly, though I kept my voice low.

"Yeah, I know some people. What do you need?" Kilo's tone changed instantly, it was business now.

"I need to get to Bronclyn, preferably now," I said. Kilo was quiet for a moment. "I'll need guns too."

"You're in luck, I got a cache in Bronclyn that I get people to teleport weapons to. Easy money, no prints on them or anything. You owe me for whatever you take though."

"Yeah yeah, I'll pay you when I have what I need. Where are these friends of yours?"

"You won't see them. Just go to Levantine Street and Crown Avenue, there's a stair alleyway leading down. Wait by the red door." Kilo said quickly. "I gotta call them, they'll teleport you to the cache. Good luck."

Kilo hung up. I left the cafe in a hurry, careful to not look too rushed, as that could attract attention. Levantine Street was right up against the mountain of Canterlot, as close to a 'rough neighborhood' as the Old City had. It was comparatively poorer, with the buildings made of granite hewn from the mountain itself rather than the imported marble which made up the rest of the city. Legend held that Caramel Marks, the author of 'On Harmony' and 'The Communist Manifesto' was born on Levantine Street.

It was thanks to that little rumor that I didn't need street signs to tell me when I had reached Levantine Street. A hammer, sickle, and sword were spray painted onto the side of a house, facing towards me as I turned onto the street. I looked around, catching the eye of a faded purple earth pony standing on a street corner, wearing a trenchcoat and beret. She raised a brow. I raised my hoof straight up, my expression one of defiance. She nodded and I hurried past at a brisk trot. The Canterlot Police didn't come down here often, the Red Guards looked after their own.

Crown Avenue was the busiest street in Canterlot, running from the mountain to the Royal Castle, and even here on Levantine, carts and pedestrians milled about. Crowds made me feel at ease. Made it very easy to make my way to an unmarked red door, nestled in a quiet alleyway

Now... I was going to have to talk to Kilo about his friends. They didn't even say a word to me through the door. One moment, I was standing in front of their door in Canterlot.

Next, I was in a poorly lit room, looking at a red stallion with a pink and white striped mane.

"Aftershow?! What the fuck are you doing here?!" I stared in awe at the candy-striped stallion in front of me, already picking through the cache of guns.

"Escrow drove me, I had a feeling in my gut where we had to be, you need help?" Aftershow asked as he fished out a shotgun, his face lighting up with an ecstatic smile. "Oooooh yes, this is nice."

"I... You... Yeah, I need help. I, um, got a tipoff on where an Element is. Are you sure you want in?" I asked, looking him in the eye. "Once you're in, there's no telling where you'll be able to come out."

"I already offered you my help, Swan." Aftershow nodded, then perked up, looking into a bag over by the door. "Oh! Almost forgot, since I agreed to this, I decided to make something for us to commemorate our first heist."

"Aftershow, this isn't something to celebr~" I started, before Aftershow pulled out a pair of rather well made harlequin masks, with what looked like gas mask straps on the back. "What the hell are those?"

"Well, I know from movies that no good thief ever shows their face, and I got to thinking 'Now how could I go about hiding my face and yours?' And, well, I made these last night! Yours is the chequerboard pattern. Do you like it?" Aftershow practically bounced as he gave me the mask. I ran my hoof over it, a smile growing on my face. This gave me ideas, especially if we were going after the other Elements.

"I love it, Aftershow. You seriously made this just last night? This is really well done." I said, testing the straps on the back.

"Yes ma'am, I did! My talent's being a circus performer after all, clown masks just come to me." Aftershow said as he slung his newly acquired shotgun. "So, where are we hitting?"

"Bronclyn Docks, a ship called the 'Merry Voyager' has what we're after. The Element and some kind of cargo the person who tipped me off wants us to stash on a train nearby." I explained, now starting to fish through the weapons myself. My hooves brushed over a heavier rifle, lifting it out of the crate, and looking at the twin-headed eagle emblazoned on the side. "Imperial, good. We're less than a block away from the docks, right?"

"Yep, the loading gate is right outside." Aftershow nodded.

"Perfect. Follow me, put your mask on when I tell you, alright?" I slung my rifle, letting it settle against my breast as I walked over to the door. The streets around here weren't busy. Perfect.

I led Aftershow quickly down the street, ducking into an alley right in front of the loading gate. I pulled on my mask, nodding.

The loading gate was padlocked. Perfect. I waited just long enough to hear a horn sound before bashing the lock off with the butt of my rifle and just like that Aftershow and I were in. I love padlocks, they truly are the 'polite suggestions' of security.

"What are we looking for exactly?" Aftershow whispered, his head fidgeting around as he tried to scan the area.

"I... don't know for sure. The client said we'll 'know it when we see it'. Whatever that means." I say, trying not to curse myself out for not pressing Amber for details. "It'll be important looking."

"Um... Like that one with the armed guards?" Aftershow said, pointing towards where a large cargo container was being unloaded off the 'Merry Voyager' with a dozen ponies in body armor with rifles in tow.

"Yeah... Like that. Fuck." I groan. "If you want to back out now, I won't stop you."

"Are you still going in?" Aftershow asked. I nodded. "Then I'm coming too. Nothing's ever hit me before, nothing's going to hit me now."

Aftershow's giddiness was clear even behind the smiling clown mask he wore and it was starting to creep me out a bit.

"What are you... What are you doing?" I asked, my eyes widening in horror as he racked his shotgun.

"I'll be fine, you get the stuff and the Element." He told me before taking off and running towards the container. Was... Was that music playing? Where the hell was that music coming from? It sounded like a heavy beat made entirely from record scratches.

Aftershow's shotgun roared as he bolted past the guards, one of them getting thrown back by the sudden blast. Eleven automatic rifles answered, but not a single one of them could hit him. It was frustrating the guards, especially when Aftershow made another pass, blasting point blank into another guard. They gave chase this time, seven of them running off after the clown as he... Oh, Celestia, Aftershow was cartwheeling away and still somehow not getting hit.

I took a deep breath before running up out of cover, squeezing the trigger on my rifle. The rapid cracks dropped one of the remaining guards before they could even react, and the other two dove for cover of their own. One was too slow, taking a shot right in the helmet that made even me wince. At least a shot like that was quick. A lucky burst dropped the last guard as he attempted to line up a shot of his own.

I've gotten into shootouts before, I've killed before. I never liked it. Especially when it wasn't pigs, just working ponies like these. No one goes into a career as an armed guard if they were in a good place in life. If they were a bully, that's when they became a cop. I didn't touch the bodies. I did my best to ignore them entirely as I ran up to the container door, shooting its padlock off.

I have never been more terrified of anything in my entire life.

There were three cases in the container, barely larger than briefcases. One contained the Element, or at least I sure fucking hope it's the Element. A gold necklace, just like the first one, but with a ruby inlay, in the shape of a lightning bolt. The other two cases though...

Each one held four crystals, shaped like giant 12-sided dice. The crystals were the size of hoofballs and held a baleful swirling light that kept trying to pull my gaze into them. How the hell was I supposed to get these to the train? If a bullet hit one, half the city would be reduced to rubble.

"Hey, you! Freeze!" My attention snapped away from the 8 superweapons I shared the container with. One of the guards chasing Aftershow had come back and was walking towards the container entrance with his rifle raised. "Drop the~"

A white sprinter van plowed into the guard mid-sentence, throwing him like a ragdoll. An older pegasus mare sat in the driver's seat. She looked familiar.

Then the side door swung open, revealing Aftershow of all people.

"I made a new friend! Grab the stuff and come on! She's gonna get us out of here!"

"How did... Nevermind. Trainyard first! We ditch the cases there!" I shouted, scrambling to safely close the cases and rushing into the van with them. The pegasus floored it as soon as the door closed.

"I'm Thunder Rush." The pegasus introduced herself gruffly, not looking away from the windshield as she tore through the dockyard.

"Swan Song... Wait... You're Thunder? You're a regular at the Midnight Escape." I 'did' know this mare.

"You're a bit young for my tastes, sweetie." Thunder laughed. I was briefly thankful for the mask to hide my blush. Nevermind that. I was just going to ensure that I got far away from the megaspells.

Author's Note

Earned 1,690,000 bits for completing the contract. Made it out with eight warhead(s) for a total value of 12,335,875 bits

Sent to Offshore Account: 9,868,700 bits
Change in available spending cash: 2,467,175

Picked up "Element of Loyalty"
4 Elements Remain