Sunshine and Tia

by RunicTreetops

Rating: teen
Tags: Anthology, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Philomena, Comedy, Romance, Sex, Profanity, Princess Celestia, Human
Length: 13107

Being married to the ex-princess of the sun tends to get you involved in strange antics. Like, all the time. Frankly, you wouldn't trade it for the world.

It's a simple tale that you've likely heard before. You woke up in Equestria one day, made some friends, grew close to Princess Celestia, and got married to said princess after she retired. Now, the two of you enjoy a nice, quiet life in your quaint Ponyville home.

Well, when you aren't getting involved in any number of strange, magical adventures, at least.

Rating bumped up to T for sexual references in later chapters.

An ongoing collection of Anon/Celestia one-shots, conveniently gathered together in one place. Switches between second and third person on a chapter-by-chapter basis.

Cover art by Mikkybun, with text design by RB!

Published 2023-09-28 02:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-05-19 17:55:57 UTC

Big Dumb Horn

Author's Note

Welcome to Sunshine and Tia! This is where I will be posting all of my Anon/Celestia one-shots going forward. Expect them to be silly, fluffy, sweet, stupid, random, and everything in-between.

Try not to take it too seriously. :trollestia:

As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!

Big Dumb Horn

"Okay, I don't mean to spoil the moment, but this isn't working."

"Hm? What's the matter, sunshine?"

Celestia glances up at you without moving her head. The two of you are resting peacefully in your large, fancy bed. It's about eleven at night, and you only just got settled in. Your lovely wife is held tightly in your embrace, her face affectionately buried in your neck and her wings wrapped around your whole body. Being the ex-princess of the sun, she runs a little warm, and the result is an all-around cozy experience.

...Well, except for one teensy tiny issue.

"Tia, your horn is digging into my cheek."

"Oh! I'm sorry, I'll just-" She attempts to move her head to a more comfortable position, but all she succeeds in doing is jamming her horn even farther into your face. "Ah!" She quickly tries going the other way, but considering there's a mattress on that side of her, that doesn't really seem to be an option. "Eh, how should I do this?"

"Maybe you could pull your head backwards a little bit? Here."

You loosen your grip on your alicorn wife and she shuffles a few inches backwards. That seems to do the trick, as her big dumb horn is now right in front of your face rather than digging into it. It's still a bit odd, but a whole lot less uncomfortable.

"Hmph. Your neck is so comfy though." Her voice is a whine, a tone she uses pretty much exclusively around you and never in a serious manner.

"Sorry, but your big dumb horn isn't. I'd never get to sleep with that thing nearly impaling me all night long."

Even though it's dark, you can tell that she's pouting.

"Fine, I guess. Goodnight, sunshine."

"'Night, Tia."

Without another word you fall back asleep, still embracing your wife, just... less tightly.

"Okay, okay, this isn't working either."

"H-hmm?"

You wake Celestia up as you yourself are also awoken to the feeling of her horn once again digging into your cheek. You glance down at your wife to find that she has somehow buried her face back into your neck.

"Did you do that in your sleep, or are you messing with me on purpose?"

"S-Sunshine... go back to bed." Tia's voice is groggy and tired. She has never really been the type to take waking up all that well, particularly after retiring. Apparently having to wake up before dawn to raise the sun every day for over a thousand years tends to build up resentment in a mare. Who knew?

"I can't with your big dumb horn sticking into me again."

"Uuuuugh, sunshiiiiiiiiine!" She's whining again.

"I'm sorry, okay? But I need to sleep too!"

"I can't help how big my horn is!"

"Can't we just spoon like we normally do?"

"Sunshine. My beloved." She looks straight at you with her tired, unfocused magenta eyes. "For over a thousand years, I have been one of the most powerful and well-respected creatures alive. Everypony in Equestria reveres me. I am magically stronger than almost anycreature. I am physically larger than anypony I know of. It's a miracle that I fell in love with someone taller than me. Now that I'm retired, and we're in private, and you're capable of doing so, I want to be held, darn it! I'm tired of always being the one in charge of everything."

"...I-I didn't know you felt that way, Tia."

"Then can you just let it slide? Please?"

You contemplate for a moment. You couldn't let it slide if you wanted to, unless you're willing to get literally no sleep tonight. And yet, just look at her! Look at those big, beautiful, pleading eyes of hers!

"Are you sure there isn't anything you can do about your horn?"

"Like what, darling?"

"I don't know..." You continue to think to yourself in the dark room as your exhausted wife looks to you for a potential answer. "A few years ago, weren't you able to shapeshift into a pegasus?"

"I was, but that was with the help of an enchantment. That thing has long since been destroyed."

"Are you sure there isn't some other way to do that again? Temporarily, I mean?" Celestia closes her eyes and goes quiet, apparently considering your words. "After all, horn aside, you'd be a whole lot smaller. I could hold you tight easier."

"...I suppose I might be capable of transforming myself for a few hours." She looks back at you, a conflicted expression on her face. "Though I'll admit, I'm not exactly keen on going back into that form."

"If you don't want to, I won't force it. It's just a suggestion."

After a few quiet seconds, Celestia lets out a deep breath, apparently having come to a decision. Her horn begins to glow gently, and that glow slowly makes its way across her entire body. Eventually, her whole being is enveloped in that dim light, and there is a magical sound in the air as her body begins to morph and shrink. After a few more seconds, the glow suddenly stops. Where once there was Celestia, now there is a small pegasus mare. Her wings are large, and her braided blonde mane with a blue tuft actually compliments her still-magenta eyes extremely well. "Golden Feather" looks you dead in the eyes, and despite the complete restructuring of her face, you know from that gaze alone that it's still your beloved wife.

"Well? How do I look?"

"Cute. A different kind of cute, but cute."

"Now, then. I did this for one reason, and one reason alone." Without hesitation, Tia throws herself back into your chest, eagerly nuzzling into your neck once more. Unlike last time, there is no big dumb horn to nearly impale you. Though you will admit, you kind of miss having a wife whose legs reach farther than your waist. More cushion for the pushin', or whatever. "Hold me."

With a chuckle, you wrap your arms around your now regular-mare-sized wife. You cheekily squeeze her a bit tighter than you normally would (or could), and you ruffle a bit of her fur in the process. She coos and wraps her legs around you in response, apparently loving the feeling. You give her a quick peck on her big-dumb-horn-less forehead before getting your own head comfortable on the pillow beneath you. She's less warm, but in its own way, this is also quite a cozy way to sleep.

"Goodnight, Tia."

"Goodnight, sunshine."

She ended up shapeshifting back in the middle of the night. You chose to just let her have that one, causing her to eventually wake up a very happy (and cuddly) mare... even if you were exhausted all day afterwards.

The Jogging of the Leaves

Author's Note

Just in time for autumn, it's the Running of the Leaves! :twilightsmile:

The Jogging of the Leaves

You do a few forward lunges, sweat now beginning to form on your brow before being conveniently absorbed by the sweatband wrapped around your head. It's a brisk day outside, and a cool wind blows over you as you continue your warm-up routine. There are many ponies of all shapes and sizes around you, each of which wearing a number of some kind on their flanks. You have one clipped to the side of your shorts, the number reading "68."

So close.

Tia walks up to you, a wide grin on her face as she does so. Her mane has been tied back into a ponytail, and she has the number "67" covering her cutie mark. She seems downright giddy as she greets you.

"Ah, sunshine! I'm so excited!"

"Hm? I'm glad to hear that, but haven't you taken part in the Running of the Leaves countless times?"

"In the past, sure. But I haven't done so in moons! Ooh, I feel like a filly again!"

"Try not to get too excited, Tia. I think you're freaking out the competition."

You both glance at the ponies around you. Occasionally, one or two will glance at Celestia before looking away sheepishly. They're not quite sure how to respond to their ex-ruler taking part in the same event as them.

"Oh, they'll be fine. It's not like I'd send them to the moon for beating me or anything." Celestia smugly flips her ponytail to the other side of her head in a show of confidence. "Besides, I don't plan on losing anyway."

"You might want to reconsider that, princess!" A voice from behind your wife interrupts your conversation, causing both of you to greet the new arrival. Making a dramatic landing on the dirt path next to you is none other than Rainbow Dash, the fastest member of the Wonderbolts and a close friend of yours. She looks at Celestia with a confident smile and a fire in her eyes. "I don't care who enters this race. I intend to win!"

"That's enough, Rainbow Dash!" Trotting up to your little group is Applejack, who promptly gives Dash a light, playful smack. "I'm sorry 'bout that, princess. She tends to get overly competitive at these sortsa things."

"Oh, it's quite alright!" Tia chuckles at the sight of Rainbow Dash and Applejack scowling at each other. "A little healthy competition never hurt anypony. Besides, I'm not a princess anymore! I'm just another competitor like everypony else!"

"But you're an alicorn!" Rainbow Dash shouts, her voice more excited than anything. "You have to be good at competitions like this."

"Were I a few hundred moons younger, I don't doubt that I would leave you in my dust. Now though... well, I've spent a whole lot more time doing paperwork than physical activity for many years, that's for sure." Celestia looks to the sky for a moment, but she quickly closes her eyes and snorts before falling into a laughing fit. "HA! Oh, who am I kidding?! I can still leave you in my dust!"

"I'd like to see you try!"

Celestia and Rainbow Dash press their noses against one-another as sparks begin to fly in every direction. You and Applejack wordlessly share a glance. This is not the rivalry you were expecting to happen today.

"Sunshine!" Your wife calls out to you without breaking eye contact with Rainbow Dash. "You will be running alongside me, correct?"

"Tia, I seriously doubt that. I'm pretty fit by human standards, but compared to your average pony, I couldn't hope to even come close to winning this race."

"Ugh, fine. I'll just have to handle this myself."

"If you want to make this a real competition, you'll play by the same rules as AJ and I!" Dash has a smug, almost sinister grin on her face. "No wings! No magic! Just running."

"Hah! I could do that with both wings tied behind my back!"

"Good, because you will."

"I-"

Before she can react, Dash has already secured Tia's wings with some rope. With a sigh, AJ makes her way over to Dash and does the same to her.

"There. Now we're all on an even playing field. Ya happy?"

Both Dash and Tia nod, the sparks between them continuing to fly.

Hoo boy, this ought to be good.

You pace yourself nicely as you continue jogging through the woods. Back in your old world, you took up jogging as a hobby. It's an easy activity to keep up with in Equestria considering how clean the air is and how beautiful the landscapes are. Still, your earlier assessment about your performance was correct. If this were a race among humans, you'd probably be doing pretty good. However, as it stands, you're near the back of the pack. Ponies are just naturally faster and have more endurance than you do. That's not to say you don't have some physical advantages of your own, it's just that they wouldn't help you in a race like this. Oh well. You didn't come here to win anyway, and it's not like this is your first time taking part, either. You have been living in Ponyville for a few years, after all. It's just another fun tradition to take part in.

You have no idea where your wife is. You imagine she's probably up near the front with AJ and Dash, but you can never be too sure with her. She doesn't get competitive all that often, but when she does, it's typically best to keep your distance. Ever since retiring, she's been enjoying the chance to let loose when it comes to competitions, and the result is an overzealous mare that gets way too excited at the prospect of winning.

Which is exactly why it comes as such a shock to you when you make it over a hill and see her on the side of the path, her head held low.

You quickly approach her, immediately realizing that she's panting quite severely.

"Tia! Are you okay?!"

"A-ah, sunshine... I'm fine." Her words are broken up by her exhausted breaths.

"What happened to you?!"

"It... it seems I'm... a lot more out of shape... than I thought I was."

"One too many cakes, huh?"

"Shut it."

"I'm just saying. Maybe you should have paced yourself a bit better."

"But then... I wouldn't have... been able to keep up... with them."

"And look at you now. You can't keep up with them anyway." She glances up at you, but finds it too difficult to raise her head. "Tia, one of them is a professional athlete, and the other does intense physical labor on a daily basis for a living. I don't care how naturally gifted you are, you were never going to be able to compete with that without training."

"...Hoo." She finally composes herself enough to stand up straight. "I suppose you have a point. Still, this is awfully embarrassing."

"Hey, you had to learn somehow, right? Now you know what you've got to do if you're serious about competing again." You give her a smile and start jogging ahead. "Come on, we have a race to finish!"

Immediately, she trots right on past you, effortlessly overtaking your pace even in her exhausted state.

"Sorry sunshine, but I'm certainly not letting you beat me too!"

You can do little but chuckle as your beloved wife takes off, leaving you alone near the back of the pack once more.

Hey, at least the scenery is still beautiful.

You, Tia, Dash, and AJ regroup after the race. It appears that Applejack won this one, but since Dash won the year prior, that makes them even in overall wins once again. Both give you and Celestia a genuine smile.

"You did pretty good, princess! E-er, I mean... Celestia? Gosh, that's weird."

"Thank you Rainbow Dash, but I understand that I fell short much earlier than anticipated. I apologize for not giving you the competition you were hoping for."

"Uhh, there's really no need to apologize for that. Besides, Applejack is the one who won, anyway."

A light blush makes its way to Applejack's cheeks.

"I-I wasn't as excited by the prospect of racin' ya as Dash here was, though."

Tia chuckles.

"Still, I had a lot of fun. I look forward to seeing you two again next year! Who knows, perhaps then I will be the competition you were hoping for, hm?"

"I'll take you on anytime!"

Rainbow Dash and Celestia shake hooves, causing you and Applejack to share a glance once again.

What a strange pair.

You wake up with a stretch the next day. You reflexively look to the space in bed next to you, but you are surprised to see that Tia isn't there. You quickly glance around the room, seeing no sign of your lovely wife.

"Hm."

With a shrug, you decide to get dressed and ready for the day. It's unlike her to wake up before you, but not entirely unheard of. Perhaps she had business to attend to that you forgot about.

You tie the laces on your running shoes, take a big swig of water, and make your way to the front door. The sun hasn't completely risen yet, and it's time for your morning run. You'll probably do a slightly slower pace than usual today thanks to your race the day prior. No need to overstrain your legs, after all.

However, as you step into the crisp morning air, you're greeted by a surprising sight. In front of your house, doing a few careful stretches, is Celestia. Her mane is once again tied back into a ponytail, with a headband much like your own wrapped around her head with her horn comically sticking straight through it. After a few moments, she looks up at you as she finishes another stretch.

"Ah, good morning sunshine!"

"M-morning, Tia. What are you doing up so early?"

"I thought about what you said yesterday, and I realized that you're right. If I want to live up to the image that other ponies have of me, then I need to start training!"

"Training?"

"So, I'm going to be joining you on these little morning runs of yours!" Her voice is enthusiastic, but her eyes open wide as if she suddenly realized something. "Er, assuming that's okay with you."

After a moment of awkward silence, you begin to laugh.

"Sure, Tia. Though, you'll probably end up leaving me behind again."

"Oh... I hadn't thought about that." Celestia looks contemplative for a moment before smiling. "But you're right, I will! Good luck with your run, sunshine!"

Without another word, she immediately takes off in a random direction, leaving you alone once again in front of your small Ponyville home. As absurd as that was, you find yourself smiling and shaking your head as you begin doing a few warm-ups of your own.

What are you gonna do with her?

Training Arc

Celestia looks down at you with a cocky grin on her face. You aren't exactly uncomfortable, but you'd be lying if you said that this wasn't a blow to your pride.

At the moment, you find yourself pinned down on your bed. You have yet to get out of bed to get ready for the day despite the fact that the morning sun has long since risen already. The reason for that is your large alicorn wife, who has taken it upon herself to ensure that you spend the morning with her in bed by laying herself down on top of you, forcibly pressing down on you so that you cannot escape. Her chest floof is shoved right in your face, and frankly, it's extremely pleasant. Still, you have things you wanted to get done today. The problem is that no matter how hard you push back against her, she doesn't budge. You might be taller than your lovely wife, but she is still a big ol' alicorn. Not only is that a lot of pony in the first place, but she's just plain strong.

A slight groan escapes you as you fruitlessly try one more time to lift your wife off of you. Lo and behold, she doesn't budge an inch.

"Tia, come on. I have stuff to do today."

"You can do them later~"

"What are you, a cat?"

She just chuckles as she lays her head down on the pillow next to you. Great, now you're pinned and she's falling back asleep. Wonderful.

Oh well. If you can't beat 'em...

You struggle to catch your breath as Rainbow Dash continues to fly in front of you. She is moving quickly, but has obviously slowed herself down in order to allow you to somewhat keep pace with her. Despite the pain coursing through your legs and your burning core, you do everything in your power to keep up your running speed.

"Come on, Anon!" She turns her head to look at you, but doesn't slow down whatsoever. "You're not gonna get any better if you keep running at that pace! Step it up!" You don't respond, opting instead to briefly shut your eyes tight and push yourself even harder. You gain on Dash ever so slightly, and she looks mildly impressed. "That's more like it!"

You come to a fork in the road. The dirt path beneath you is leading out of Ponyville, and although you have no idea where you're going, you trust that Dash does. She takes a right turn, which causes your heart to drop. She's taking you directly towards a small mountain.

"D-Dash?"

"What? I'd better not hear you complaining!"

"O-of course not!"

Managing to force a nervous gulp in-between your strained breaths, you continue to run behind Dash. This is not going to be pleasant.

Your foot makes contact with the apple tree. You wait for something to happen, but all that you accomplished was making your foot hurt.

"Nice try, sugarcube." Applejack walks up next to you, a mixture of amusement and pride on her face. "But your posture is all outta wack. Let me help ya."

The farm mare pulls you away from the tree and asks you to wind up again, holding the pose as you do so. You struggle to maintain said pose with your leg in the air, but at her behest you do your best regardless. From there, she begins to adjust the angle of your leg for you. It's extremely difficult to keep your balance.

"How do you even know this, AJ? You have four legs."

"You want me to be honest? I'm winging it."

"Ah."

"Is there a problem? Last I checked, you asked me for help."

"N-no, no problem at all!"

You shut your mouth as she continues her lecture. She teaches you exactly how you should be winding up, where you distribute the force, how to keep your balance, and so on. It turns out to be much more difficult than you were anticipating, but you suppose it wouldn't really be worth it otherwise.

"Now, try again."

"Yes, ma'am!"

Now following her exact directions, you take a deep breath, wind up, and slam your foot into the tree once more. Unfortunately, nothing happens once again. Your foot hurt a lot less doing it, though. In fact, the impact felt a lot more solid.

"There ya go!"

"Ugh. Still not enough."

"You shouldn't expect it to be. Not yet, at least." Applejack gives you a reassuring smile. "Let's do that again. We're only just getting started."

You struggle to maintain the silence that was requested of you. You find yourself sitting on a mat that rests on the grass in a park in Ponyville. You're holding a strange, strenuous pose. Rarity is doing the same right next to you with a strange, tight-fitting outfit that she clearly made herself clinging to her body and a headband holding back her mane. You're wearing baggy clothes yourself, though you do have a matching headband.

"Er, Rarity?"

"Hush, darling."

"I... sorry."

After a few moments of silence, Rarity sighs.

"You don't understand why we're doing this, do you?"

"Not really, no."

"Anon, yoga is good for both the body and the mind. I could explain everything to you, but it's better to discover the meaning for yourself. All I ask is that you follow my lead. Eventually, you'll understand. I promise."

You open your eyes and glance at her. She is maintaining the same pose you are, but she's giving you a warm, genuine smile.

"...Alright. I'm not sure I get it, but alright. I'll mimic what you're doing as best I can."

"Good! Now, let's try the tree pose."

Months later, you breathe controlled breaths as you make it to the peak of a mountain. Behind you, Rainbow Dash slowly flies in your direction, finally coming to a stop when she catches up to you.

"Haaaaaah... my gosh, dude. You've gotten a lot better."

"I feel a lot better, too. Seriously Dash, thank you for this."

"Eh, it turned out to be a workout for the both of us. I know I said you'd get better by the day, but you still crept up on me. Maybe I need to start training harder, myself!"

The two of you share a laugh before you reach into your bag and retrieve two water bottles, handing one off to Dash before taking a swig of the other.

"Well, we're at the halfway point. Ready to head back?"

"Hehe, race ya to the bottom!"

Without hesitation, Dash puts the bottles back into your bag and starts to fly back down the way you came, causing you to happily chase after her. It's still strenuous, but you feel like you could do this all day.

Your foot makes contact with the apple tree. There is a rumbling feeling, but this time, it isn't in your foot. In fact, you feel no pain at all.

Bonk.

"Ow."

Okay, there is a bit of pain on the top of your head. However, it's a good sort of pain, as it's caused by an apple falling from the tree above you. Plus, it's not the only one. About six apples fall from the tree, which Applejack expertly catches in a basket.

"Woohoo! Ya did it, Anon!"

"...Huh. Haha! I did!"

You find yourself grinning from ear to ear. It took a few months, but you've finally built up the strength necessary to "buck" apples. You might not be anywhere near as strong as any of the Apples, but the fact that a human like you can hit that tree hard enough to make some fruit fall at all is an accomplishment in and of itself.

"Hey, you uh... you lookin' for a job?"

"Hah! Thanks for the flattery AJ, but you know I've already got a job."

"Worth a shot!"

The two of you laugh as you move towards the next tree. You've got a lot more to go, but you don't really care. Your efforts are starting to bear fruit... literally!

Your mind drifts through an endless expanse of nothingness. No sounds reach your ears. No sights fill your eyes. Right now, it's just you. You feel calm. You feel quiet. You feel at peace.

You feel somepony tap you on the nose.

Your eyes shoot open, causing you to see Rarity grinning at you. The sun has started to go down, and the air in the park is a bit cooler than you remember. As you start to return to your senses, you realize just how much your core is burning thanks to the pose you've been holding for so long.

"I must say, you've taken to yoga like a moth to a flame, darling."

"Y-you think so?"

You groan a little bit as you struggle to break your pose before bringing yourself back to a standing position. Rarity continues to speak as you start to pick up your mat from the ground.

"I told you you'd figure it out, didn't I?"

"To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure what it is that I 'figured out.' But I definitely feel... something."

"Stronger in both body and mind, darling."

"I suppose that's one way of putting it, even if it is a little vague."

"Well, are you satisfied with the results?"

"I guess?"

"Then that should be enough, no?"

"...Hm."

The two of you start to walk back towards your homes as the sun continues to set, and you notice that you're a lot less sore than you generally were when you started out a few months ago.

Whatever it is that yoga is supposed to do for you, you think you like it.

You once again wake up to find yourself pinned beneath your wife. She looks down at you with a cocky, albeit genuine smile.

"Good morning, sunshine."

"This again?"

"Hmhm. What can I say? I enjoy seeing you struggle." She starts to affectionately nuzzle up against you, still making sure to keep you held down while doing so. "Don't tell me you're complaining?"

"Not really. Though I can't say I'm a big fan of having my autonomy taken from me like this."

"Do something about it then~!" You smile back at your lovely wife. She takes a deep breath and enjoys the feeling of having you beneath her. However, her eyes quickly go wide as she is taken off guard. Slowly but surely, her body begins to lift off of the bed. "H-huh?"

You wrap your arms around your alicorn lover and slowly begin to rise. She gasps as she is gently tossed into the air while you finally manage to sit upright. When she comes back down, she lands gingerly in your arms. You stand upright, and she instinctively wraps her front legs around your neck. The result is you carrying Celestia bridal-style, though it is admittedly a bit awkward considering how large her alicorn body is. Still, with all of the training you've been doing, being able to pick her up and carry her around like this has become almost completely effortless. She looks at you, her eyes still wide as her cheeks begin to turn crimson.

"How's that?"

"...Sunshine?"

"I've always wanted to do this, you know."

"G-goodness me." She practically... no, literally swoons in your arms before regaining her composure. "I never imagined finding someone to carry me. I've always pictured it the other way around."

"Well? How is it?"

She's silent for a moment before she places a kiss on your cheek and cuddles up against you as best she can in your grasp.

"I feel like... well, a princess, I suppose! Haha!" You continue to hold your loving wife for a few more moments before you suddenly turn around, throw her to the bed, place yourself on top of her, and pin her down with all your might. "Huh?!"

"You didn't think I went through all of that training just to pick you up, did ya? Hah, no. I'm getting even."

To your surprise, rather than make a playful comeback like you were expecting (after all, she could easily move you with a few flaps of her wings or even the slightest bit of magic), she only starts to blush even more.

"...Do your worst, then."

...

Well, if you can't beat 'em...

Nightmares

Celestia stands in front of the kitchen counter, a soft smile on her face as she stirs the contents of a steaming pot. She gently hums a sweet, quiet tune that fills the otherwise silent house. It's a peaceful afternoon, and she feels as light as a feather today. However, the peace is almost immediately interrupted by the sound of the front door being violently thrown open. Celestia's eyes go wide, and she doesn't even have a chance to turn around before the sound of heavy hoofsteps sprinting upstairs fills her ears.

"Get back here, Aurora!"

An angry female voice yells into the house from outside. Finally having enough time to react, Celestia watches as a strange creature sprints into her house and follows the other sudden guest upstairs. At first glance, one might think that this girl is a human. Her skin tone matches that of Anon. She has soft features and a thin build, and it's clear from her size that she is likely in her mid-to-late teens. However, her similarities to Anon end there. Her hair is cut short, and it's a light pink color. On top of that, she has a matching tail poking out of her pants. She has magenta eyes, and a pair of large, fluffy wings protrudes from her back. Most notably, however, is the entirety of her lower body, which resembles the back half of a pony. It's covered in white fur and ends in two sizeable hooves, but despite its pony-like qualities, she is bipedal. At the moment, this girl looks livid as she quickly ascends the stairs and disappears out of sight.

Celestia, now concerned, makes her way over to the stairs and looks up to watch her ascent.

"What is going on here?!"

"Huh?" The girl turns around, looking surprised for a moment before her anger returns. "Ugh, I don't know! Aurora stole my bag!"

"Aurora-"

Celestia's words are interrupted by something slamming into her side, followed by the sound of something large hitting the ground. She turns to get a good look at the new arrival, who is splayed out on the floor. It's another creature of the same type as the girl on the stairs. However, this one appears male. He is much shorter than the girl, with a head of black hair and a similar tail. His lower body is also white, though it's also a fair deal thicker than the girl's. All in all, he seems younger than the girl.

The boy looks up at Celestia sheepishly before clambering back onto his hooves.

"S-sorry."

"I-"

Once again, Celestia is interrupted. A shattering sound comes from behind her, and when she turns around, she sees that another of these creatures is standing in the kitchen where she just was. This one appears to be the youngest of them all, another little girl. Her hair is a mixture of blue and green, and her build is stockier than the other two (or perhaps three, if the third creature upstairs is like the rest of them). Much like the boy, she has an embarrassed smile on her face. Her hands are held out in front of her like she was just carrying something, and the broken remains of what was once a ceramic plate are scattered across the kitchen floor.

"Hehe, oops."

"Seriously, what is going on right now?!"

Before she can get a response, she feels a tug on her mane. She looks down to see yet another of these creatures. It's another boy, but he is very, very small, likely only a few years old. His hair is also pink, and despite how short it is, it's extremely messy. He says nothing, and simply stares at Celestia with a completely blank expression. Celestia sighs.

"Let me guess," she mumbles, "I'm going to turn around and there's going to be one more." She turns around one more time, and to her surprise, there isn't another of these creatures causing trouble. "Hm. Well, I stand..." She trails off as she suddenly feels a weight on her back. "Not corrected." With half-lidded eyes, Celestia uses her telekinesis to remove the object that suddenly appeared on her body. Bringing it in front of her, she confirms that it is yet another of these creatures. This one is so small, it cannot possibly be any more than a year old. Its blue-and-pink hair isn't that long yet, and its strange lower half is surprisingly cute. It babbles a bit, and something within Celestia tells her to cradle it. She doesn't fight the instinct, and pulls the child close to her chest. "Oh, gracious."

The chaos of the house around her continues to build. Two female voices argue from upstairs. The girl in the kitchen attempts to noisily clean the broken remains of her plate off of the floor, scratching up the tile as she does so. The boy that ran into her flaps his wings and attempts to fly in the limited space of the nearby living room, nearly breaking every single object therein. The little boy still stands beneath her, staring at her with an emotionless expression and saying nothing. Finally, she continues to cradle the youngest child as best she can. Her patience finally having run out, she lets out a groan of frustration.

This groan apparently attracts everyone's attention, as it suddenly grows quiet. The girl in the kitchen stops and stares at her. The boy in the living room lands on his rear end and looks up at her expectantly. The other boy beneath her doesn't react. At the top of the stairs, two girls look down at her with concerned expressions. One is the girl that she followed moments ago. The other is presumably the first one that entered her home when her back was turned. She appears to be the oldest of the lot, with long black hair and a tall figure. Celestia looks between each and every one of these creatures, the lack of patience evident on her face.

"Aurora. Rhea. Apollo. Amalthea. Ida." As she says each name, one of the creatures timidly approaches her. First, the eldest girl. Then, the girl who was chasing her. The boy that ran into her is third, then the girl in the kitchen, then the stoic little boy. Finally, she looks to the baby she's holding. "Zenith." She lets out a deep sigh, then she makes a stern expression. She opens her mouth to speak, but is cut off yet again by the door suddenly opening for a second time. "What now?!"

As she says those words, everything freezes. Any noise that was being made moments ago suddenly stops. The creatures timidly surrounding her appear completely frozen, and it's as if the world itself has become lifeless.

"Worry not, sister." Celestia looks towards the door, where the familiar form of her sister, Luna, has appeared. Luna smiles at her, her expression somewhat cocky. "I have come to save you."

"S-save me?"

"From this nightmare, of course." Luna enters the house and begins to circle around Celestia, eyeing the numerous creatures that have gathered around her with amusement. "Hmhm. Experiencing a bit of baby fever, are we?"

"E-excuse me?"

"Or perhaps you're afraid of the possibility? Haha! Oh stars, Anon is really doing a number on you, isn't he? What do you suppose we should call these hypothetical creatures, anyway? Satyrs, perhaps?"

"Luna, what are you talking about?"

"You're having a nightmare, sister. These children are not real. Considering you knew their names, I can only assume you didn't realize that. As is my duty even in retirement, I have come to rescue you from these stressful delusions."

"O-oh!" A single bead of sweat begins to form on Celestia's brow. "Of course! Haha, silly me~! Nightmares, am I right?"

"...Sister?"

"Well, I suppose I should be waking up right about now."

"It's still the middle of the night."

"Y-yes! But I, uh, have to use the restroom! Haha, yeah!"

"Uhh... okay?"

"Alrightseeyoulaterbyeeeeeeeeee!"

Celestia attempts to jostle her body awake. Not this body, but her real body. When your sister can visit the dream realm, waking yourself up becomes a skill you get quite good at. Sure enough, she feels something deep inside of herself begin to stir. Luna decides to exit the dream before it falls apart, which is likely a good call considering that the house surrounding Celestia is quickly beginning to fade away. She takes one last look at the children surrounding her, and a melancholic smile makes its way to her face.

"Goodbye, everyone."

Celestia closes her eyes. When she opens them again, she suddenly feels extremely different. A warm sensation is surrounding her, and there is a weight on top of her. She blinks a few times in an attempt to properly take in her surroundings.

Sure enough, she's back in the real world. She's comfortably sprawled out in her bed, with Anon sleeping just a couple of feet away. Realizing she's particularly stiff, she sits up and stretches her legs a bit. A satisfying popping sound comes from several of her joints, and she lets out a yawn. A quick glance at the window allows her to confirm that it is, in fact, still the middle of the night. Before she can lay back down, however, she hears a voice.

"Tia? You alright?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"

"Kinda. It's not like you to wake up in the middle of the night. You doing okay?"

"Y-yes, sunshine. I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"..."

"...You want to talk about it?"

Celestia looks at her husband, who now sits up to meet her at eye level. He looks at her with concern, which causes her to let out a deep sigh.

"D-do you... I mean..."

"If it's difficult for you, you don't need to say anything. I'm here for you no matter what. You know that, right?"

"...Yeah." Celestia takes another deep breath. She's been avoiding Anon's gaze, but she shakes her head as she tries to gather her resolve. Steeling herself, she looks Anon right in the eyes. "Do you think we'll ever have kids?"

Anon blinks. He looks at his wife for a few silent moments, the surprise of that question catching him so off guard that he doesn't even emote. Slowly, his brow begins to furrow, though he doesn't look particularly upset.

"Well, I'm not opposed to having kids. In fact, I... uh..." Even in the darkness, Celestia can see his cheeks starting to go red. "I'd really like to some day. I'm just not sure we even can." His eyes suddenly go wide and he sheepishly puts his hands up. "A-assuming you do too, of course!"

Celestia stares back at Anon, and a gentle smile slowly makes its way to her face.

"Good to know."

"What prompted this, if I may ask? Did you have a nightmare?"

"...No. Just a dream." The smile doesn't leave her face as she lays her head back down and closes her eyes, prompting Anon to do the same. He wraps his arms around her torso, making himself the big spoon and holding her tight. "A wonderful dream."

Author's Note

Hey look I finally did satyrs woaaaahhhhhhhh.

Costumes

Anon sighs as he feels magic begin to leave his body. This isn't the first time he's had this happen to him, but he hates it all the same. Begrudgingly, he looks up at his wife.

Yes, up.

"Aww, you look adorable, sunshine!"

"...Great."

Anon closes his eyes and rubs his temple with his... hoof? Indeed, Celestia appears to have cast some sort of shapeshifting spell on him. He now takes the form of not just a pony, but a young filly. His coat is a faded green color, and his messy hair and tail are jet black. He hates every minute of it.

Meanwhile, his now comparatively taller wife looks down at him with a wide grin on her face. She has used a similar spell on herself. She wears bright orange armor and regalia, and her cutie mark has extended to have an orange, fire-like appearance across her whole flank. Most notably, however, are her mane and tail, which appear to be made out of a raging fire. That said, if one were to stick their hoof into said "fire," they would find that it's merely an illusion and no more harmful than her regular mane. Indeed, she has taken on the appearance of the dreaded Daybreaker.

"Are you ready, sunshine~?"

"Do I really need to go out in public like this?"

"I do believe you were the one that lost our little bet last night! Soooooo... yup!"

Anon sighs.

"Let's just get this over with."

"Look on the bright side," Celestia cheerfully says as the pair walks out of their front door and into the cool evening air, "it's probably the most convincing costume out here!"

The costumed couple look around at the late Ponyville evening. Ponies are happily walking to and fro, each and every one wearing some sort of getup or costume. Children laugh as they go door to door, and adults enjoy themselves just as much watching over said children or taking part in any of the multitude of games set up around the town.

Tonight is Nightmare Night, and it's already in full swing.

A couple begins to pass by them, which Anon recognizes as Lyra Heartstrings and her ((((((((roommate)))))))). Lyra appears to be wearing a red jacket and has a blonde wig, while Bon Bon is covered in fake scratches, wears a set of cat-like ears, and has two different contacts in, one blue, one yellow. The pair don't even acknowledge Anon in his filly form, and instead gasp and back away from "Daybreaker." It isn't until Celestia smiles and waves at them that they realize she is wearing a costume, and they easily laugh it off and walk away.

"Why do I get the feeling you're going to be attracting a lot of attention to us tonight?"

"Isn't that the point of dressing up to begin with?"

Anon makes an uncertain inhaling sound.

"I mean, maybe? But aren't you afraid that it might upset-"

"HIYA!" Anon is interrupted by the sudden arrival of Pinkie Pie, who appears to have dyed her coat purple. She is either wearing a wig, or has dyed her mane blue and straightened it out a fair deal. She has an obviously fake horn on her forehead, upon which rests a tennis ball. "Ooooooo, nice evil alter-ego costume, Celestia! And you!" Pinkie zips over to Anon and looks down at him with a grin on her face. "...What are you supposed to be?"

Celestia chuckles and speaks up before Anon gets a chance to respond.

"Anon is 'dressed up' as what he would look like if he were a pony. And a child. And a female."

"Neato!"

Anon grumbles something beneath his breath, but neither Pinkie nor Celestia are able to make out what it is.

"And what are you supposed to be, Pinkie Pie?"

"I'm Izzy Moonbow!"

"I must apologize, but I do not know who that is."

"That's okay! She hasn't been born yet!"

"Er... huh?"

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure somepony out there gets it."

If Pinkie were to exist in a medium where an outside observer might be able to see what goes on in her life via some sort of omniscient camera-like device, she would be acknowledging said camera in this particular moment with a smirk on her face. However, because such an idea is utterly ridiculous, her intention of doing so is completely meaningless.

"W-well, that's... lovely, Pinkie Pie."

"Thank you! Now if you'll excuse me, I have obscure references to be making in other people's fics right now!" Pinkie runs off fast enough to leave a dust cloud in her own image behind her, but before said dust cloud can comically dissipate, she runs right back. "By the by, have you two seen Luna? I haven't heard from her tonight."

"I was actually wondering where she is, myself."

"Oh well. Good luck!"

And with that, Pinkie runs off a second time, leaving the couple out in the evening air yet again.

"Well, shall we get going?"

Anon says nothing and merely walks by Celestia's side. It takes a notable amount of effort, both because he isn't used to walking on four legs that don't have feet and because he is so much smaller than she is.

"Next year, we're doing Halloween my way."

"Ooo, is that another of your human holidays?!" Her voice sounds excited and her eyes, which are covered by tinted contact lenses to make her appear more threatening, sparkle with interest.

"It is where I'm from. Other cultures have their own traditions and stuff, but... eh, I guess it doesn't really matter." Anon waves a hoof in front of him as if to indicate that he wants to change the topic. "Anyway, what's the plan?"

"To be honest, my only real goal was to tease Luna about her Nightmare Moon costume. After that, we can do whatever you'd like!"

Celestia and Anon turn a corner and simultaneously let out a yell. From behind a large crate, a tall, dark-colored mare leaps out at them, her blue armor, black coat, and space-like mane clashing directly with Celestia's own ensemble. Instinctively, after a brief moment of fear, Anon shakily puts himself between Celestia and this new threat, only for his wife to begin laughing hysterically.

"Wh-what?"

"S-sunshine, I'm flattered that your first instinct was to protect me, but it's hard to take you seriously when you look so darn cute!"

Meanwhile, Nightmare Moon looks down at the pair with shock, her intimidating eyes wide with confusion.

"S-sister?!"

"Hmm?"

"Wh-who is this?! Do not tell me you and Anon had a child?!"

"Anon and I had a... oh. Oh!" Celestia snickers as she regains her composure and effortlessly picks Anon up with her magic. He says nothing, and merely stares at the obviously costumed Luna with half-lidded eyes and an annoyed expression. "No, this is just his costume this year!"

"Oh. Good." Luna lets out a deep breath that she was apparently holding in. "But I must ask, why did you choose to be a... filly?"

"I didn't. Tia decided that for me."

"He lost a bet," Celestia adds, causing Luna to raise an eyebrow.

"What kind of bet?"

"Please," Anon mumbles. "Please, don't ask."

"..." Luna's gaze slowly turns from Anon to Celestia. "Very well?"

"Oh, that's not important anyway!" Celestia stomps one of her hooves onto the grass below as she puts Anon down. "You're supposed to be admiring my costume!"

"Yes, I see you went as Daybreaker on the holiday about Nightmare Moon. How... creative," she says sarcastically.

"Like going as Nightmare Moon on Nightmare Night is any more creative?!"

"It isn't just a costume, dear sister. It's my duty."

"Nopony said you have to do this every Nightmare Night."

"What else would you have me do, sit at home all evening?!"

"That's what I'd like to be doing," Anon mutters.

"Nopony asked!" Both sisters yell simultaneously.

Anon continues to stare at the pair with half-lidded eyes and a bored expression while the sisters resume their argument. After a few minutes, he comes to the realization that they could very well be going at it all night. With a sigh, he turns his attention elsewhere, seeing a group of fillies presenting their Nightmare Night baskets to a nearby homeowner.

...Wait. That gives him an idea.

Celestia throws the front door of her home open with an aggravated look on her face.

"Sunshine, you'd better be here! I told you not to leave my sight!"

"I think you're forgetting that I only look like a filly. I can take care of myself, Tia."

She flicks on the lights, only to see Anon, still "dressed" as a filly, sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by candy wrappers.

"What did you do?!"

"Trick-or-treating."

"You really just told me that you're not a filly, then admitted to going trick-or-treating?"

"Figured I'd test your theory about my costume being convincing. Turns out, it is."

Celestia sighs.

"Does that give you an excuse to act childishly?"

"Is arguing with your sister in public over a costume any less childish, miss 'I was a princess for over a thousand years?'"

"..."

"By the by, I saved you some."

Anon slides a basket across the table towards Celestia. She takes a step forward and peers inside, immediately noticing just how much candy Anon collected and subsequently kept for her.

"Sunshine..." A gentle smile makes its way to her face. "Thank you, I suppose."

"Great. Now." Anon places both of his front hooves on the table with a serious expression on his face. "Turn me back."

Celestia looks him up and down, her smile never fading.

"Hmm. Maybe later." Once again, Anon finds himself being magically lifted into the air and carried to the nearby couch. "I want to squeeze you a little bit first. You're just so cute!"

Anon sighs.

Nightmare Night sucks.

Author's Note

Happy Nightmare Night, everyone!

...What do you mean it was two weeks ago?

Puff-Puff

“Pfffft, ahahaha!”

“Hm?”

Anon looks up from his book, the sudden, unmistakable sound of his wife laughing breaking him out of the immersion. He listens for a moment, but the only thing he can hear is the shower running. Perhaps she thought of a particularly funny joke in there or something.

With a shake of his head, Anon turns his attention back to his book. A few moments later, the sound of running water ceases. He mindlessly flips through the pages, enjoying the opportunity to just sit back, relax, and have a nice, peaceful evening.

Suddenly, a different sound starts ringing through the house. It’s a bit louder than a hum, and definitely mechanical. Although he doesn’t hear it frequently, Anon is able to identify it after just a few moments.

“A blow dryer?”

For most ponies, a blow dryer is basically a necessity. It takes ages to get a fur coat, let alone a mane or tail, dry after bathing. Such a device allows ponies to actually get on with their days rather than rubbing themselves with a towel for the better part of an hour. However, most unicorns are able to circumvent this. A spell to dry oneself is extremely simple, and easily performed by even the most inexperienced of magic users.

Why, then, is Celestia using a blow dryer? The only times Anon can remember her doing that is when they had plans to go out or when she wanted a particularly long snuggle, seeing as how using a blow dryer makes her coat much softer and silkier than it is otherwise.

Did they have plans that he forgot about?

“Sunshine!”

“Woah!”

He drops his book as Celestia teleports directly in front of him, apparently having finished drying. It takes a second for him to realize what he’s looking at, causing him to narrow his eyes and tilt his head.

“What do you think?”

“Well, you sure do look… fluffy.”

“I know, right?!” She turns in place to give him a better look. Sure enough, her coat is extremely fluffy all the way around, to an almost ridiculous degree. Heck, she looks like she’s twice the size she really is under all that floof. “I look ridiculous!”

She can barely contain her laughter, clearly quite amused by her appearance.

“Y-yeah, but… why?”

It takes her a moment to compose herself. She wipes a tear that had been forming in her eye before speaking again.

“I got a new coat shampoo that’s supposed to help fluff you up a little bit. Figured I’d surprise you in bed later. But after I used it, I looked down at the bottle and realized I’d added an extra zero to the amount I was supposed to use!” She snorts in an attempt to prevent herself from having another laughing fit. “Then, I figured ‘why not make this worse?’ Used a blow dryer, really let it puff up, and here we are! Isn’t it– oh!”

She looks down, caught off guard by Anon’s sudden movement. In one fell swoop, he stood from the couch, took one bound towards her, lowered his head, and buried his face in her chest while wrapping his arms around her neck. It’s an awkward angle due to the height difference, and he quickly finds himself on his knees. However, he makes no attempt at being subtle, instead choosing to bury his face in her floof with no shame whatsoever.

“Sunshine?”

“Just let me have this,” he mumbles as he nuzzles in even further. “It’s really comfortable.”

“...Hmhm.” She wraps a hoof around him, squeezing him in even more as she wiggles around to really bury his face in it. “One of the few times the floof is good for something, hm?”

“Shut up.” Anon’s voice is muffled on account of being buried in a cubic ton of alicorn floof. “Your floof is always adorable.”

She lets out a humored sigh.

“Yes, yes, I know. Heh, why do you think I had to wear regalia over it all the time when I was a princess? Here’s a hint: It wasn’t to set me apart. My height and crown did that already!”

Anon pulls away just a bit, if only to allow himself to breathe again.

“You seriously had to wear regalia because your chest floof was distracting?”

“I know, right? Pesky societal demands.”

“...Hm.” Anon dives back in, but his demeanor has suddenly changed a bit. “That’s… I don’t know how to feel about that.”

“Whyever not?”

“I… I dunno. I guess I’m used to ponies respecting you and looking up to you and stuff, but the idea of other ponies looking at you like that makes me…”

“Oh, Sunshine.” She gives him another squeeze before bending down to place a smooch on his head. “I can’t control how other ponies act. But I can promise you this.” Her horn glows as she pulls Anon away just enough to lock eyes with him before giving him her famous warm smile. “I don’t show off my floof to anyone but you, my love.”

Anon smiles a half smile.

“Thanks, Tia.”

“Now, then!” She grins as she magically turns him around and gently throws him back onto the sofa. “Time for something I’ve been wanting to try ever since you told me about it AGES ago!”

“A-and that is?” Anon asks as he tries to turn around, only for Celestia to force him to look away again.

“Here, put this on.” Celestia’s request is enforced one way or another as her magic lifts a piece of cloth through the air and wraps it around Anon’s head, acting as a blindfold. “We’re gonna do some puff–puff!”

“Puff-puff?” If Anon’s eyes weren’t covered, they’d shoot open. “Tia, that’s impossible for you. You don’t–”

“Bup bup bup! We’re gonna use my floof for some puff-puff, and you are gonna like it!”

“I don’t know if–”

Anon is cut off as he blindly feels two distinct mounds of floof enveloping both sides of his head. They shake around with Celestia’s movements, and it feels absolutely nothing like Anon imagined. This is a silly idea he got from an old video game in his original home world, after all. It’d be ridiculous for this to feel anything like he’d assumed it would.

It feels way, WAY better.

“Hey, Tia?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you, you know that?”

“I love you too, sunshine.”

The two of them keep at it for what is probably a bit too much time, but neither really care. Eventually, Anon feels the floof pull away as he is magically lifted into the air, his blindfold still secured.

“Tia?”

“Shh.” She giggles. It’s adorable. “We’re going to continue this in the bedroom!”

Oh.

Oh.

Author's Note

Oops I bumped up the rating to T oh noooooooooooooooooo :trollestia:

The Celestia Fan Club

Celestia closes her eyes and sighs as she sets down the morning paper. Sitting across from her, Anon takes a sip of his coffee before clearing his throat.

“Something wrong?”

“Not really,” she groans. “Just some ponies being annoying again.”

“In… in the paper?”

“Yup. It’s time for the ‘Annual Best Princess Competition!’ Bleh.” She sticks out her tongue and points at it with a hoof to over exaggerate her disdain. “I wish they’d just abolish the whole darn thing, or at least take my name off of it.”

“‘Best Princess?’ This is the first I’ve heard of it.”

“...S-Sunshine, do you live under a rock? Has our house been a rock this whole time?” Anon looks back at her with half-lidded eyes, causing her to giggle. “I’m kidding, love.”

“Still, I don’t know what it is.”

“Well, every year, the Princess Fan Club Organization gets together to hold a big competition. They basically campaign on behalf of myself, Luna, Cadance, Twilight, and even little Flurry Heart. Everypony casts votes on who their favorite princess is, and the winner gets… bragging rights, I guess?”

“Huh. So it’s a popularity poll?”

“HAH! Were it so simple. Those fan clubs are ravenous, Sunshine! And frankly, most of the ponies in them are… oh, what is the word…”

“...Simps?”

“YES! Exactly! They’re obsessed with us to a creepy degree. I mean, I’ve sort of gotten used to that over the course of hundreds of years, but it never gets any less weird having somepony confess their love to you when they don’t know anything about you.”

Anon chuckles.

“Guess I’m the biggest Tia simp in the world, then.”

“No, Sunshine. I actually love you. And you actually took the time to get to know me.” She snorts before bursting into laughter, needing a moment to compose herself before continuing. “R-remember what you told me when I first informed you that I’m a princess?”

“If I remember correctly, I told you you can–”

“Shove that crown up your ass!” they laugh in unison.

“Haha! It’s not often that someone has the audacity to insult me to my face.”

“What can I say? I hate authority figures.”

“Strange choice of a wife, then.”

“Consider that a compliment, Sunbutt.”

“Hmhm. You know, some of the superfans in the Celestia Fan Club call me the same thing. I’m not sure they’ve earned the right.”

“Didn’t realize I had to earn that.”

“Well, considering that I’m more than capable of getting back at you for your teasing, it’s more of a transactional thing. It’d be… problematic if I ‘got even’ with my fans.”

“Heh.” Anon chuckles as he stands from his seat and walks around the table to put his now-empty mug in the sink. Along the way, he winds up his free hand before giving Celestia’s large flank a hearty smack, causing it to jiggle in her seat as her back straightens out. If it weren’t for her fur, there would be a hand print right on her cutie mark. “Guess I should appreciate being your biggest fan, then.”

Celestia, with wide eyes and slightly reddish cheeks, stutters for a moment before clearing her throat.

“Please do not call yourself that. I’d rather not associate you with them.”

“Man, they really get under your skin, don’t they? It’s not often you speak so poorly about a group of ponies.”

“They’re just gross, okay? I’m glad they think so highly of me, but I’d really like for them to leave me alone. And that goes double now that I’m married!”

“Have you asked them to stop?”

Celestia sighs again.

“Of course I have. Unfortunately, they just thought I was being humble about my popularity or something. If anything, I think I accidentally endeared myself to them even more.”

“I can help with that.”

“I… huh?”

“Don’t worry, Tia. I’ve had more than a few run-ins with people like that in my old world. I know exactly how to get them to stop drooling over you.”

“And how is that?”

“Just trust me,” he says with a smirk. “And follow my lead.”

And don’t catch on to the fact that I used to be like that, too. Ugh… I was so cringe.

Celestia blinks. She’s not sure what she expected, but this isn’t it.

She and Anon stand before a large room in the Canterlot Library. The Celestia Fan Club is based here, and it took all of a week for Anon to organize an official visit from Celestia herself. The crowd seated before them looks on with wonder. Their eyes sparkle, their pits stink, and their spaghetti is all over the floor.

“Everypony, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Anon, and she…” He pauses as he gestures towards Celestia. “Doesn’t need any introduction, does she?”

The crowd erupts into a roar of cheers much too loud for a library. Celestia forces a smile as she casts a side-eye towards Anon, who wears a cocky grin. Little is known about him to the greater public. It’s widely known that Celestia is married and that her husband is “strange,” but they live such quiet lives that few know much more than that.

And he plans to use that to his advantage.

“Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering what the point of this visit was.”

“She’s here to show her appreciation for our support, right?” A particularly vocal stallion sitting in the front row excitedly speaks up. “Don’t worry, you’re still Princess Celestia to us! And we’re gonna make certain you win this contest!”

There’s another roar of cheers. Anon’s smile doesn’t fade.

“Actually, she’s here to make an announcement.”

“I-I am?!”

“You sure are.”

“Wh-what am I–”

“Don’t worry. You don’t have to say a word to tell them everything they need to know. Actions speak louder than words, after all.”

“I… Sunshine, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“That’s fine,” he chuckles. Turning back to the crowd, Anon speaks up one final time. “Fanboys, fangirls, and everysimp in-between, watch and learn. There’s only one thing you need to take away from this visit.”

“What’s that?” the vocal stallion asks.

“That I’ve already won.”

“H-huh?”

In a swift movement, Anon lunges to the side, grabbing Celestia with both arms. Placing one hand on her neck and the other on the back of her head, he pulls her into a deep kiss right in front of the crowd. Her eyes go wide and her face becomes completely flushed. This is far from the first time they’ve kissed, but they tend to be as low-key as possible when in public. A public display of affection like this is completely unprecedented!

…It kind of gives her butterflies.

The crowd falls completely silent as the pair holds the kiss for a solid ten seconds. When they finally part, Celestia is left gasping for air as Anon practically drags her out of the room.

“Later, losers!”

Moving quickly, he is able to close the door just as a cacophony of boos rings throughout the library.

“‘Breaking news. Celestia dropped from Annual Best Princess Competition after Celestia Fan Club dissolves.’ Wow.”

“I told ya it would work.”

“...I-I’m still not entirely sure what happened.”

“Do you actually know what a simp is?”

“...A-apparently not?”

“Once they realized they had no chance with you, they turned on you. That’s just how it goes with those types.”

“And my entire fan club was made up of those types of ponies?! I really meant so little to them?!”

“Seems like it.” Anon looks up from his coffee with a cocky smile, only to see his wife with a pathetic look on her face. “...Sh-should I not have done that?”

“...” The room is silent for a moment as Celestia sniffles a single time. Then, almost too quickly, an ominous smile spreads across her face. “I’ll admit, Sunshine… I didn’t think you could be so bold.”

Anon blinks. Something about her tone makes a chill run down his spine.

“...Hehe, well. I’m full of surprises.”

“You’d better be,” she purrs. “Because now I’ve got a few ideas.”

“...Sh-should I be scared?”

“Guess you’ll find out, won’t you?”

Anon has no response apart from a single, nervous gulp.

Author's Note

We're all capable of acknowledging that this story is a joke, right? :twilightoops:

No one is going to take this story seriously or think I'm making a statement, right? :twilightoops:

We do know this was made in jest, right? :rainbowderp:

Good.

Birds of a Feather

Author's Note

Another story to celebrate this anthology's beautiful new cover art! Huge thanks to Mikkybun!

Birds of a Feather

“Alright, I suppose I should be off.”

Celestia slings a bag over her shoulder as she stands next to the front door. Her clothing could best be described as “business casual.” She wears a nice, well-tailored shirt and skirt, but they’re not quite fancy enough to be “fit for a princess,” as it were. Her mane is tied back into a ponytail, which only accentuates the vibe she’s going for. If anything, her appearance looks like something you’d expect a businessmare to wear to a casual conference.

Which is appropriate, since that is exactly where she’s going.

“A whole week, huh? It’s been a while since we’ve been apart that long.”

“Since before we got married, I believe. Hmhm.” She narrows her eyes as a sly grin makes its way to her face. “You’ll be okay without me around to take care of you, right~?”

Her voice is light and playful as she teases him. He responds with a chuckle of his own as he rubs the back of his head.

“I think I’ll manage. Can the same be said of you? You’re not gonna have your big strong man to take care of you all the way out in the Crystal Empire.”

“Princess Celestia does not need a ‘big strong man’ to take care of her, thank you very much.”

“And what about Regular Celestia, housewife/occasional guest at royal conferences?”

“She’s more than capable of protecting herself. And kicking her husband’s ass.”

“Hah! Ain’t that the truth.”

The two share a laugh before Anon steps forward. His body language makes it clear that he’s about to give her a hug and a kiss, and she smiles as she prepares to do the same. They lean forward, their lips mere inches apart. They grow closer and closer until finally they–

“OW OW OW!”

The sound of rapid, flapping wings fills the quiet room as a beautiful phoenix with vibrant yellow, orange, and red feathers flies out of seemingly nowhere to land on Celestia’s shoulder, immediately using this position to peck at Anon angrily and force him away from her owner.

“Oh, Philomena, stop that!”

Anon stumbles back and covers his eye with his hand. It didn’t do any real damage, but it still hurt. He growls as Philomena begins to rub her head against Celestia’s own, causing her to sigh as a warm smile spreads across her face. She brings a hoof to the fiery avian and begins to stroke at her warm, delicate feathers.

“I’m gonna toss that darn bird out one of these days, mark my words.”

“Now, Sunshine, you will do no such thing! Don’t forget, I’ve had her longer than I’ve had you.”

Philomena makes a strange squawk-like noise as she points her head towards Anon. Although he can’t understand her, it’s quite clear that she’s taunting him. How a phoenix can look cocky, he’ll never know.

But she is damn good at getting under his skin either way.

“Tsk.”

“Oh, don’t be like that. Besides, I expect you to take care of her while I’m gone.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Anon crosses his arms and pouts as he looks away from his wife and her annoying pet.

“Sunshine, don’t make me put my hoof down.”

“I’m gonna, really!” He looks back at her again, though he’s clearly not happy. “I’m not planning on starving your dumb bird.” He lets out a long, drawn-out sigh. “Though it would be nice if the bird showed some respect back.”

“Squee!”

Philomena puffs out her chest angrily at his remark, but begins to calm down as Celestia nudges her. Slowly, she sets her down on the back of a nearby chair, causing her to sheepishly perch there.

“You two will get along while I’m gone. That’s an order.”

Anon and Philomena glance at each other, their eyes immediately narrowing. There’s a tense silence for a long moment before they finally speak up again.

“...Fine.”

“Coo.”

“That’s better.” With a satisfied nod, Celestia steps forward and gives her husband a peck on the cheek. Then, she turns to the chair and does the same for her phoenix. “I’ll see you two later! Don’t kill each other, and don’t burn the house down!”

“We won’t. Later, Tia.”

With a smile, Celestia finally steps outside, gingerly closing the door behind her. Anon and Philomena stay perfectly still as they listen to the sound of her hoofsteps getting further and further away. The moment they’re no longer within audible range, Philomena takes off from her perch directly at Anon. He, in turn, takes up a defensive stance.

Their battle has only just begun.

Four days later in the heart of the Crystal Empire, Celestia sits at a large table surrounded by Princess Cadance, Prince Shining Armor, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and Queen Novo. They leisurely play a game of cards while making small talk, none bothering with any sort of formality.

“Was it really a good idea to take a group vacation and label it a ‘conference?’” Twilight ponders.

“Hah! That question is all I need to know that you’re still new to the world of politics, Princess.” Novo laughs as she throws down her hand, earning a few aggravated groans from Cadance and Shining Armor.

“If we didn’t make such claims,” Celestia says calmly with her familiar warm smile still plastered across her face, “we’d never get to take any vacations.”

“Hm. I suppose that’s true… er, Princess?”

“It’s just ‘Celestia’ now, Twilight.”

“W-well, ‘Celestia,’ are you okay?”

“Hm?”

“You look… frightened.”

“I do?” Celestia looks down at herself, only to notice her floof standing on end. Suddenly alert, she observes the rest of her body. Sure enough, all of her hair is standing up. A weight begins to settle in her chest. “Hm. Oh dear.”

“Is something wrong?”

“My wife senses are going off.”

“Your… what?”

“Hah! Ohh, I know that feeling.” Cadance sits back in her seat, a sly grin on her face. “Sounds like Anon is doing something he’s not supposed to.”

“C-Cadance? You know what she’s talking about?”

“New to politics AND to families, I see.” Novo snickers as she deals a new hand of cards. “It’s intuition, Twilight. Spouses know when their other half is getting up to something they shouldn’t. It’s like a natural law.”

“B-but that doesn’t make any sense!”

“Sorry, Twi.” Shining sounds confident, but he fails to maintain his poker face as he sees the hand he was dealt. “They’re right. It’s all intuition.”

“So, what do you think it is this time?” Unlike her husband, Cadance looks quite happy with her cards.

“I’m not sure. Hrm.” Celestia’s eyes narrow even further as she comes to a realization. “Unless…”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“I have a bad feeling I’m going to come home to a mutilated human or a well-cooked bird. Or both.”

“Do you want to call this ‘conference’ short?”

“...Nah.” Celestia leans back comfortably in her seat, her floof finally settling down. “Right now, it’s not my problem. Besides.” Her horn glows as she throws her cards down onto the table. “Read ‘em and weep.”

“Aw, COME ON!”

Shining’s head hits the table in frustration, and the space is filled with raucous laughter.

“Alright, which one of you is dead?”

Celestia calls into her home as she steps through the front door, carefully removing her bag and placing it on a nearby table as she does so. The house is dark and silent, immediately filling her with a sense of unease.

“Sunshine? Philomena?”

Her ears twitch adorably as she tries to listen for any sign of movement or life in the house. Finally, after several seconds of what she assumes to be silence, a quiet, almost imperceptible sound graces those ears of hers. She raises an eyebrow, unsure of what the sound even is. If she had to guess, she’d say it’s coming from the living room.

Carefully creeping through the house as gently as she can, she silently peers around the corner into the sizable living room. She is taken aback by what she sees.

Leaning back against the sofa is her husband, his eyes closed and his mouth hanging open as a very, very quiet snore escapes him. His arms are folded over his chest, but he looks quite comfortable.

And there, perched on his shoulder and leaning on his head for support, is Philomena, who is sleeping just as peacefully as he is.

“Aww~!” She covers her mouth as she involuntarily vocalizes her thoughts on the sight before her. Unfortunately, it’s enough to cause Philomena to pick her head up, which in turn makes Anon do the same.

“Hm? …Tia!”

Anon suddenly stands up, a wide grin on his face. While she expects Philomena to take off and beat him to her, she remains perched on his shoulder and allows him to carry her right up to her owner. Without hesitation, Anon throws his arms around his wife, with Philomena repositioning herself onto Celestia’s shoulder in the process.

“H-hello, Sunshine. Good day, Philomena.”

“Coo!”

“Hah, what’s that tone for? You sound surprised.”

“I-I sort of am! Just a week ago the two of you were at each other’s throats!”

“Hm? Oh, you mean Philomena and I?” Anon pulls away as he looks at the phoenix in question. His confusion quickly turns to amusement as he gives his wife a peck on the cheek. “Nah, we got over it.”

“You… got over it?”

“Well, yeah. Being mad all the time is exhausting.”

“Ca-caw!”

“What she said.”

“Wh-what did she say?”

“Well, I’m not fluent in phoenix quite yet, but I believe she said that constantly fighting when we have the same goal is pointless. It’s a lot easier to just do it together.”

“And that goal is?”

“Making you happy, duh!”

“...Awwwwwww!”

Celestia throws her arms around the pair, and the room seems to light up thanks to the joy shared between them. They stay like that for some time before she finally pulls away.

“How was the conference?”

“It went well, but I think I’m ready to relax for a while.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve already got dinner on the stove. It should be ready soon.”

“Thank you, Sunshine. If you’ll excuse me, I think I’m gonna rest on the couch for a while.”

With a tired grin, she begins to walk past Anon and towards the sofa. To her surprise, however, Philomena steps off of her shoulder and lands on Anon’s own.

“O-oh?”

“Sorry, Tia. My shoulders are broader than yours. I guess it’s more comfortable this way for her.”

Philomena lets out a happy tweet as she nods at his words.

“Um… okay?”

With a confused shake of her head, she finishes her walk to the sofa and gets comfortable. Meanwhile, Anon gives her a satisfied nod and makes his way into the kitchen, taking Philomena with him.

Everything went well. Her family is fine. In fact, they’re better than ever. The ‘conference’ went smoothly. She’s home. She’s comfortable. She really shouldn’t have anything to complain about, and she definitely shouldn’t be harboring any negative feelings in that floofy chest of hers.

And yet, as Celestia watches Anon walk away with Philomena perched on his shoulder, she can’t help but to feel a little jealous.