Chapters Episode 13: Fancy Pants on the Daily Show
Intro: A night on the town
Historically speaking November and December were a very busy time for Jon Stewart. This year brought another election season and with it a slew of stories to cover, pundits to make fun of, and the Photoshopping of politicians on underwear models. Standard affair for the Daily Show just at a much more intense level.
But now Jon was granted an entire week away from work for the holidays; away from the social constraints of his Job and fully free to do whatever he wanted.
But for all the social interaction and gallivanting that were available to him he still opted to stay in for the most part. And with the passing of Thanksgiving the extended family that he had avoided all year long were now back in their own little corners of the world.
In addition he didn't have to think about work (least for another couple of days) so he promised himself he wouldn't call Celestia to set up any interview slots.
No, right now all he wanted to was stay indoors and spend time with his family, which he was doing almost excessively.
It was on this Saturday night that Jon reflected on how tranquil his life was as of late. The entire Stewart family had congregated to the living room where he and his wife were sitting on the cough side by side with a cup of tea in his right hand and his left arm around Tracey's shoulder. They had bundled themselves up in a large blanket and were content in just sitting quietly enjoying each other’s company
His two children on the other hand were instead rolling around on the floor, playing happily with Trixie. Nathan had brought out his Lego set and challenged his sister and babysitter to see who could build a skyscraper the fastest. He was confident that he we would win since Maggie was younger than him and Trixie (lacking in any fingers) wouldn't have the dexterity needed to even get started. In the end he still came in third place.
"Yay!" Maggie said, throwing her hands in the air. "I win!"
"So...what shall we play next?" Trixie asked as she used her magic to neatly set their Lego creations aside.
"OH OH I KNOW!" Nathan announced. "Pony tipping! Pony tipping!"
"Yeah me too!" Maggie chimed in. "Pony tipping! Pony tipping!"
Trixie's once gentle smile disappeared as she took a breath and exhaled a tired sigh of dread.
"Now kids are you sure there isn't something else you want to play?" She suggested in the hopes that they'd change their minds. "I mean wouldn't you rather play a nice game of--"
"NO!" Maggie shouted for all to hear. "We want Pony tipping! Pony tipping! Pony tipping!"
The two kids continued their chant with Jon stealthily waiting for an opening to help settle matters.
"Do I get a vote?" Jon asked, raising his hand. "I vote pony tipping...pony tipping, pony tipping!"
Tracey found it funny that her family was so willing to give Trixie a hard time. She laughed which caused the wayward pony to look in her direction.
"Tracey could you please talk some sense into these three?" She asked motioning to her husband and kids.
"Alright guys enough with the teasing," She said, much to Trixie's delight. "You three are being immature, and mean, and pony tipping, pony tipping!"
At a four to one standoff Trixie gave up whatever sense of dignity she had left. The family's chanting soon turned to cheers as she lightly strolled over to the center of the room to prepare herself. Standing ramrod stiff and on all four hooves she locked her knees in place and straightened her body out.
Seeing this caused both kids to hastily run up to her, almost tripping in the process. Nathan was the first to reach her and such got the first round. He carefully placed both his hands flat on the side of her stomach and gently pushed her forward causing to her fall on her side with a grunting noise.
Seeing her fall over and hearing her squawk as she made contact with the floor caused both of them to enter a state of frantic giggles. Maggie decided it was now her turn so with all her strength she lifted Trixie's dead weight body back into a standing position only to push her back down. Then it was Nathan's turn again.
This pattern repeated a few more times, much to their enjoyment, as the two parents watched.
Jon took a deep relaxing sigh; he was in such a state of zen that he momentarily forgot where he was. He listened to the beauty that was the sound of his children laughing and he could feel the warmth of his beloved wife under his arm. Pulling her even closer he took a sip of his tea and watched as his kids continued to play with Trixie.
Life was good.
Jon wasn't the only one who seemed to be in a state of relaxed euphoria. His wife Tracey was also enjoying the tranquility that was her time alone with her family which, to her, also included Trixie. She watched as her two kids played with the blue unicorn and laughed at their carefree antics.
Had this been about a a weeks ago she would have felt uneasy about the three of them being so close since for all of her good qualities she was still a potentially dangerous creature. But nowadays Tracey found herself quite enamored with Trixie, mostly because she showed nothing but love and respect for the rest of the family. Though she still acted somewhat coldly towards Jon when she could.
But her very presence also served as a poignant reminder of how she used to treat her poorly when they first met. To that end she tried her best to make her feel more at home by buying her accessories for her room, engaging her in friendly conversations, and allowing her access to the dinner table. She even permitted more liberal use of her magic around the house, though she was still required to wear a safety cork on her horn.
Feeling placid she slumped her head against her husband's shoulder and closed her eyes. Jon did the same but soon the sound of laughter caused the both of them to look onward, their seemingly detached state all at once broken.
During their play session Maggie took the opportunity to rough house a bit by jumping at Trixie like she was trying to tackle her. The plan backfired however since she ended up just sitting atop her like she was a mounted horse. This minor setback didn't deter her from having fun.
"Giddy up!" She demanded. With a smile and tired sigh Trixie began to gallop around the room.
Tracey saw this and felt her maternal instincts kick in.
"Maggie honey, get off of Trixie!" She said. "You'll hurt her!" Her being more concerned with Trixie's safety than her own daughter's was proof enough that Tracey had accepted Trixie as a member of the family.
"No need to worry, Tracey," Trixie demonstrated by strutting around with very little effort. "As you can see young Maggie here is very light in weight and the perfect size for a good ol' fashion 'ponyback ride.'"
She continued to trot around with Maggie wrapping her arms around Trixie's neck, both for balance and as a loving embrace. In truth Trixie struggled slightly to hold her up though she would never admit it.
Nathan saw this and felt jealous; he wanted in.
"ME NEXT, ME NEXT!" He shouted!
To save Trixie the time and effort of explaining to him Jon decided to step in and play the bad guy for the moment.
"Yeah I don't think that's a very good idea, Nate." Jon said as he put a hand on his shoulder. "Your sister is small enough to do that but I think you might break poor Trixie's back."
Jon wasn't too far off in his assumptions. Both Stewart children were around Trixie's height with Maggie being slightly shorter and Nathan slightly taller. Though since he was older he weighed a bit more, something which Jon decided to tease him a bit for.
"Maybe if you didn't eat so much chocolate it'd be a different story," He added.
"HEY!" Nathan exclaimed getting a few laughs at his expense. To help him feel more at ease Trixie approached him and give him a gentle stroke of his already messy hair.
A silence fell on the living room and was soon broken by the two children.
"Let's watch a movie!" Nathan said now having forgotten about his being denied a ride.
"Yeah let's watch a movie, Daddy!" Maggie yelled in agreement. Getting up Jon stretched his back and ran a hand through his greying hair.
"Yeah, sure why not!" Jon said. "It's been awhile since we've had the whole family sit down for a movie night."
"Movie huh?" Trixie said looking somewhat confused.
"Please tell me you know what that is," Jon said with judging eyes. "I mean I know your world basically takes place in the middle-ages but you guys must have some form of cinema." Flipping her hair back Trixie answered in her usual smug tone.
"Of course we do, Stewart!" She said. "I was just taken aback is all...I've been all over your house and I have yet to see a film projector."
It was now Nathan and Maggie who had confused looks on their face with, Jon laughing to himself and shaking his head.
"Oh Trixie...oh sweet, naive, Trixie,“ He said as he walked over to the flat screen on the wall. "We have so much to teach you."
The annoyed looking Unicorn watched as Jon picked up a random DVD case from the wide selection on the wall. Opening it he pulled out a round flat disc which briefly reflected a ray of light in her face.
"Welcome to the 21st century." Jon added.
Carefully approaching Trixie tilted her head as she examined the shiny object before her.
"What is this thing?" She asked.
Before answering her question he placed his hand on the nearby Blu-Ray player.
"Ok first of all this is called a 'DVD player'...you see in our world this acts as our version of a film projector." Jon explained.
Trixie seemed stunned by this new information. The slender black box was about one fourth the size of the best model projector that she had ever seen.
"And this," he said dangling the disc over her head. "Is what we use instead of a film reel." Trixie looked as if she had just witnessed an explosion. This new world did indeed of have unique mechanics that were beyond her understanding but this seemed almost an impossible concept to her.
"Geez you're worse than my mother!" Jon laughed, causing his children to do the same. Even thought it was all in good jest Trixie didn't enjoy being teased.
"HMPH! Well you all go ahead and enjoy your movie." Trixie said as she made her way to the stairs. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has better things to do."
She slowly made her way to the stairs only to stop once the children cried out to her.
"Awwww you're not staying!?" Maggie whined.
"Sorry hon but no," Trixie answered. "I promised myself I'd spend the night in my room practicing some spells...If I don't keep off the horn rust nopony else will."
"But you gotta stay!" Maggie added.
"That's right!" Nathan said, backing up his sister. Trixie did a quick 180 to address the children, but before she could say anything Tracey weighed in on her departure.
"Come now Trixie stay in tonight," she said patting the seat next to her on the couch with her hand. "It's movie night...the entire family has to be present for movie night."
Like before Trixie was all ready to defend her decision to stay in for the night when something Tracey said caught her off guard.
"You...you consider me part of the family?" Trixie asked in a soft but clear tone.
"Of course I do, Trixie." She answered. "You're like the sister I never had."
Her words were sincere enough for Trixie to momentarily change her plans but she tried her best to hold back any emotions, like she was playing an intense game of poker. This was the first time in her life that she was part of a family and she loved the feelings; so much so that she didn't correct Tracey by stating that her name was "the Great and Powerful Trixie." She found the title of "Trixie Stewart" to be much more appealing.
"You know...on second thought perhaps Trixie can stay for just a little while," she said, getting cheers of joy from the two children. "I'll just practice my magic afterwards."
She trotted over back in place with Jon trying to wrangle his kids back in a single location and Tracey standing up to make an announcement
"All right gang it's time to pick what movie we're going to watch," she said getting everyone's attention. Upon making her declaration she got conflicting answers from bother her kids; after giving them the signal to quiet down she continued. "Since this is Trixie's first time joining us I suggest she get to choose what we watch."
Everyone agreed though in actual practice it was a difficult decision for Trixie to make. Having never in her life seen any of the DVDs on display her decision ultimately came down to a random selection, with the only thing resembling a conscious decision being which cover art appealed to her more.
While she sat and pondered in front of the display rack next to the TV both Nathan and Maggie joined her to give their opinions on what to choose.
"PICK THAT ONE!" Nathan said pointing to a DVD towards the top of structure.
"NO! PICK THAT ONE!" Maggie countered by pointing to one at the bottom. Ignoring both of them Trixie instead selected one from the center, right in the center of her field of vision.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie chooses...this one!" She said as she used to magic to whisk away the DVD in the air for all to see. From where Jon was standing he could just barely make out the image on the case but he knew all too well what it was.
The image was that of a large hairy best dancing in a ballroom with a woman in a yellow dress; Trixie had selected "Beauty and the Beast," a fan favorite of the Stewart household. As luck would have it everyone was satisfied with her choice.
While everyone got into position Jon popped the disc into the DVD tray and made the necessary adjustments to the TV to get things started. He promptly joined his wife back on the couch and sighed a hefty sigh of relief.
It was going to be a good day.
Episode 13: Fancy Pants on the Daily Show
Whenever the chance presented itself Jon liked to have a movie night with the entire family. In jest he would say he did so because it was the only activity where his two children would actually sit still and be quiet for an extended period of time. While there was some truth in that he mainly just found himself enjoying spending time with those he loved most.
The entire Stewart family, which now included Trixie, spent the next hour and a half watching their desired movie. Both Jon and Tracey continued to sit on the couch while the kids were on the floor, laying on their stomachs liked beached walruses to get a better look.
Surprisingly though Trixie herself didn't sit with the children but instead was sitting on the couch next to Tracey at her behest.
The kids' eyes were glued to the television, watching intently as they always did, but for the adults present in the room this was just a relaxing break from the day to day workload. This didn't stop them however from laughing every now and again at the silly antics of the Lumiere and Cogsworth, or admiring the choreographing of some of the song and dance scenes.
At one point during the movie Trixie herself marveled at the cinematics that was the household characters singing and dancing to the song "Be our guest." She even scoffed as the idea of common house hold items being able to talk; unaware of the irony that was her own anthropomorphism.
For Trixie this wasn't just some mere spur of the moment get together. It meant so much more since at that moment she felt more accepted within the family than ever before. Growing up in the orphanage she dreamed of moments like this, moments where a she would finally enjoy the serenity that was just being together with people as a family, in a place she could call home.
She never dreamed it would be with people of a different species or even in another world entirely but she didn't care. For the first time in years she felt genuinely happy. And she wasn't the only one pleased by this arrangement.
Tracey was very glad that Trixie decided to join; her admiration for the helpful Unicorn grew each day. At regular intervals during the movie she would show her love by reaching over with her right hand and betting Trixie's mane, sometimes even scratching her behind her ear. A leftover reflex from when she owned a dog.
Whenever this happened Trixie's baser animal instincts would kick. Ordinarily she would've disapproved about being touched in such a way since she had a pet peeve of being handled, but in this case she didn't mind. In fact if anything she enjoyed it as evident by her tail wagging whenever it happened.
While on the other side of things, Jon was just happy to be spending time with those he loved, especially since his one week vacation was coming to a close and soon he would have to go back to work. But he didn't want to think about that, all he wanted was to spend time with his wife, kids and good Unicorn friend.
He glanced over at Trixie who looked to be enjoying herself immensely. Her presence, while very much welcomed, served as a reminder that he might want to consider making the first guest to appear on his show, upon his return, an Equestrian. Another thing he didn't want to think about.
To distract himself he looked forward back at the television set just in time to see the portion of the film where Belle and the Beast shared a lovely dinner which lead up the famous dance sequence that usually found its way on the front of display cases and in commercials. It was a lovely scene that still to this day touched audiences worldwide but for Jon it gave him and idea, and idea he chose to unveil later in the evening.
Once the movie ended the once quiet kids predictably turned their attention to Trixie to ask her a slew of questions.
"What part was your favorite!?"
"Is this your first time watching a movie!?"
"Who was your favorite person!?"
"Can we watch it again!?"
One by one the kids asked her questions faster than she could answer. Taking advantage of their distraction Tracey got up and made her way towards the kitchen.
"Alright guys I'm going to get dinner started so go wash up," she said. "It'll be ready in about thirty minutes." Had this been any other night Jon would have left her to cook and his kids in the hands of Trixie while he went upstairs to do some work...but this wasn't any other night.
"Actually Tracey," Jon called out as he made his way up to her. "I've been thinking...why don't we go out for dinner...just you and me?" Stopping in her tracks Tracey looked at Jon like he had just asked her a question in a foreign language.
"Wait...Wh-- Excuse me?" She said sounding very unsure of what she had heard.
"You heard me...dinner." Jon repeated. "Just the two of us...it's been years since we both enjoyed a night on the town, I say why not. It'll be fun."
Admittedly the idea sounded appealing to her. Ever since they started having kids Jon and Tracey haven't had much quality time with just each other. Between work and parenting their social lives were almost nonexistent.
"Well I...Jon, we...we can't do that," she said dishearteningly. "It's a nice thought but...but I mean who's going to watch the k--" Tracey stopped mid-sentence as a realization took over. There still sitting on the couch was Jon's ace the hole; Trixie. Looking back at her husband Tracey saw a quirky smile appear on his face. One of the main advantages of having her around was that she could act as a babysitter, something which Tracey had momentarily forgotten.
"O-oh...OH!" Tracey exclaimed, feeling slightly on the spot. "Oh we couldn't ask her to do that...a-and on such short notice I don't think she'll--"
"Excuse me. I can hear you, you know?" Trixie interrupted as she pointed to her ears. "And for what it's worth I'd be more than willing to look after the kids tonight." Side stepping her husband, Tracey made her way to Trixie who had now leapt onto the floor to be closer to the two kids.
"Are you sure, Trixie?" Tracey asked. "It doesn't seem right asking you like this...especially since you had plans this evening."
"Trust me when I say I can handle things here while you're away," Trixie assured. "You've been working very hard lately, and you do so much for us...you deserve a night off."
Tracey was touched by her words of appreciation. Convinced that she wouldn't change her mind Tracey decided to ask Trixie one last time just.
"Are you sure?" Tracey asked, glancing over at her two children who were pretending not to eavesdrop. "I wouldn't want to-- I mean you did say you wanted to spend the rest of the night studying your magic."
"Positive. While you two are getting ready I'll get dinner started." Trixie answered as she changed the style in her voice to that of her normal tone. "Besides the Great and Powerful Trixie does not need to practice her magic...she already is the most powerful unicorn ever!"
Overwhelmed by Trixie's generous offer Tracey got down on her knees to give the kind hearted Unicorn a loving, if gentle, hug.
"Thank you Trixie," She said holding her close. "You are such a dear you could pass for Bambi's mother."
"...Who?" Trixie asked.
Her perfectly innocent question was met by disbelieving faces. Even Tracey herself jolted herself back to get a look at her face and see if she was kidding...she of course was not.
"Well, I know what we're watching for our next movie night" Jon said breaking the silence. "Common Trace let's get ready." After giving her a helping hand up the two made their way to the stairs. Trixie stayed behind to brief the kids on the situation.
"Oh this is so exciting!" Tracey said in giddy tone. "What should I wear?"
"This is a very special night honey," Jon said as the two made their way up stairs. "I'm going to set us up with a reservation at the best restaurant in the city so dress your best...I'm talking like Emmy awards show best."
"Oh I can't believe we're actually doing this!" She said as she checked the time on her wrist watch. "It's been years since we've gone anywhere without the kids."
"Well tonight, baby you've earned it," he said. The two reached the top the stairs where they stole a quick kiss before separating to different rooms. "You go get dressed; I'll let the restaurant know we're on the way." Still overpowered by anticipation Tracey raced down the hallway while Jon retreated to the comfort of his study to get changed and make the phone calls necessary for a reservation.
An hour had almost passed and everyone was ready to go except for one holdout. The person who orchestrated the evening's agenda, Jon himself, was still up in his study. To investigate why this was Trixie, as instructed by Tracey, went upstairs to see how he was doing.
She was a few feet away from Jon's study when a faint voice called out.
"Come in." Jon said preemptively granting her permission to enter even though she never knocked or asked in advance. Jon could always tell when Trixie was around the corner, the fact that she walked on four legs meant she gave off very distinctive footsteps.
Trixie entered to see a very elegant looking Jon Stewart. He was wearing a tuxedo and his hair, though not quite as good as on TV, was neatly done. This contrasted heavily which how he was positioned on his desk. He was slumped over his hands pressed up against his forehead with his fingers combing through his grey hair. Instead of enthusiasm, anguish seemed to leak out of every pore of his body.
He dressed like a million bucks but his face gave the impression that he had just lost all his money.
"Stewart?" Trixie said. "Is something the matter?"
"Yeah you could say that," Jon said with a heavy sigh. "The restaurants booked."
"Excuse me?" She said, rounding Jon's desk to be by his side.
"The restaurant I wanted to take Tracey to has a wait-list that's completely filled up," he answered. "They have been for the past month...they won't let us in."
"Oh that's...unfortunate." Trixie said trying and failing to sound understanding. "Well I'm sure there's another restaurant or two that have--"
"I checked," Jon interrupted. "And no...they don't."
Jon went on to explain how all the usual New York hotspots for quality dinner dates were either booked for the next few months or too busy to accommodate for the night.
"Oh poor Tracey...and she was so looking forward to this" Trixie said unintentionally rubbing salt into the wound. "She's down stairs and asked me to come up to see what was going on."
"Aw, she's already dressed up and ready to go?" Jon asked getting a quick nod of the head as an answer. "Oh please tell me she looks like a big pile of crap right now."
"Actually she's wearing her good jewelry, ruby red lipstick, and a flowing black dress." Trixie answered painting a picture of a lovely looking Tracey. "She looks quite beautiful."
"Dammit!" he said. "She's going to be so disappointed."
The two said nothing afterwards. Jon just sat in his chair thinking of what his next move would be while Trixie stood by awkwardly now knowing what to say. Though she seemed aloof she did want desperately to help Jon, but when it came to relationship advice she knew almost nothing.
She was just about to head down stairs and stall for time by telling Tracey some white lie when an idea came to mind. It was a long shot but it was the only idea she had that was worthwhile.
"You know Stewart, I'm sure a human such as yourself has a multitude of connections." Trixie said. "Connections that could get you into any restaurant you'd like."
"Trixie I'm a comedian not a politician, I don't think having Jim Carry in my Rolodex is going to get me into the 'Capsouto Frères' any time soon." Jon said. "I'm just going to have to tell Tracey that tonight's plans are off...but thanks anyway."
Rather than explaining her plan Trixie proceeded to rummage through one of Jon's desk drawers, again without permission. She buried her head inside and eventually returned with what she needed to get her point across.
"Look Stewart it's none of my business but if I we're you I might want to rethink that for a second." She said sliding him a few pieces of loose paper.
Jon looked down at what Trixie had passed to him. It was his list of pony names that he received from Celestia months ago, some of the names were crossed out while others had footnotes to the side of them. All at once the wheels in Jon's head began to turn as he suddenly realized what Trixie was trying to tell him.
"Ooooh...that! I see what you're saying!" Jon said. He grabbed the papers hastily as if they were about to fly away "...That's good...that's really good...Trixie you're a--"
"Genius?" Trixie guessed as she nonchalantly admired her hoof. "Of course I am."
As if his body was on autopilot Jon reached for the black phone that was located at the edge of his desk and began to dial a series of numbers that only he knew. Trixie, not wanting her cover to be blown, stayed quite but also stayed within close proximity to hear the impending conversation.
This was Jon's last hope.
Episode 13: Fancy Pants on the Daily Show
Welcome to Equestria Ms. McShane
Jon could hear the phone ringing from the other end and never before had Jon hoped that the person he was trying to contact would answer. He was nervous that perhaps what he would request would fall on deaf ears even though history had shown that the person he was calling was very reliable.
A voice did eventually answer and as it did Jon gave a signal to Trixie to not make a noise.
"Hello again Jon," Princess Celestia said sounding surprised to hear from him. "My, I would think you'd be spending time with your family right now. Don't you have a few days still left on your one week vacation?"
Even Celestia's soothing voice did little to help Jon's nervous disposition.
"Yeah uh, hi to you too," Jon said sounding anxious. "And yeah I am buuut I'm calling because I have a request I'd like to submit to you, your Highness." His vain attempt at flattering her was all too noticeable.
"Oh please Jon, don't be so formal," she said with a chuckle. "If you need my help with something all you need to do is ask...Is this about your next guest?"
"Actually no, this time it has nothing to do with work," Jon answered. "I'm calling you today on a more...personal issue, an issue that I desperately need your help with."
"Goodness...well, I understand and am willing to do whatever I can to help," Celestia said reassuringly. "Now then... what is it you'd like to request of me?" Jon thought about how to phrase his next question; he wanted to be sure that it didn't come off as too demanding, this was his last hope to save the night.
"Well before I ask you...uh...remember how you told me I was the first human ever to set foot in Equestria?" Jon asked as he rubbed the back of his head.
"Yes I most certainly do." Celestia answered. Before continuing Jon looked over at Trixie who was gently motioning for him to go for it.
"Well if it's alright with you I'd like to add another person to that list." He said. At first there was silence followed by a confused response.
"Excuse me?" Celestia said.
"You see It's like this...I had plans to go out for dinner tonight but all the good places are backed up for months." Jon explained.
"And you want to bring a guest over to Equestria in the hopes of continuing your dinner plans?" Celestia surmised
"Yeah that's just about the size of it." He said.
"Jon...you know how I feel about beings from other worlds coming to Equestria." She said in a serious tone that got Jon feeling less confident about his plan. When they first met one of the only guidelines she set for making deals with Jon was that while he could come to Equestria whenever he pleased he was not allowed to bring anyone with him.
She had nothing against humans but from what she understood the human race had a nasty little habit of invading new territory whenever they had the chance. But she trusted Jon...she could sense the purity of his heart. Which meant that her rejection of his request would be all the more difficult to do.
"I'm terribly sorry," Celestia continued, "But I'm afraid I'm going to have to say--"
"Wait! Before you say anything let me just say that if you did do this for me I'd do anything to make it up to you!" He interrupted. "It's just...I promised Tracey we'd go out tonight and I'd really hate to--"
"Wait! Tracey!?" She exclaimed. "The person you want to bring over here is your wife?"
"Oh uh, yes, yes it is," he answered. "We're planning a date night."
"Goodness Jon why didn't you say so sooner!" She exclaimed in an excited tone. "It would be an absolute delight to have Tracey as our esteemed guest for the evening."
"Wow really!" Jon said as a new wave of hope filled his being.
"Of course!" She said. "I'll make the necessary arrangements at a local Canterlot establishment; all you need to do is show up and I'll handle the rest."
"That's great! You’re the best Celestia!" He said. "How can I ever make this up to you?"
"Weeell," She said in a sly voice. "I do believe you said you'd do anything if I granted you this favor."
"Yes...I did say that." Jon said sounding concerned.
"Well I'm going to take you up on that offer." She said.
"And...what is it that you want me to do?" He asked.
"You'll see." Celestia chimed. "In the mean time I'll make reservations for two at a local Chateau called 'the Alimentaire Cheval,' call me again when you're ready to head out and I'll transport you safety to your desired location."
"Alright...and again I can't thank you enough." Jon said. "I'll call you soon, I just need to tell Tracey about the slight change in plans."
The sound of Celestia ending the phone call caused Jon to sigh a deep sigh. Relieved that he got this far Jon stood up and did a victory arm thrust.
"Sounds like it went better than expected." Trixie commented.
"No kidding...but now here comes the hard part" Jon said. "Convincing Celestia to let us go is one thing...but now I just have to convince--"
Before he could finish the door to his study slowly opened, giving a very loud creaking noise in the process. On the other end was Tracey who, as Trixie so accurately described, looked beautiful.
"Tracey." He said as he finally hung up the phone.
"Jon honey, is everything alright?" She said as she passed the threshold. "You've been up here for quite some time."
"Oh no nothing's wrong," he said. "I uh...I was just preparing for our date is all."
"That's great," She said with a smile. "Did you get us a reservation?" Jon looked over at Trixie who laughed slightly and made her way to the door.
"I'll leave this to you Stewart," Trixie said. "If you two love birds need me I'll be downstairs."
Watching her leave Trixie noticed a whimsical look about her which contrasted neatly with with Jon's nervous face.
"Honey what's going on?" She said turning to Jon.
"Nothing's wrong sweety," He insisted. "As a matter of fact everything is better than expected. I just got off the phone with a friend who can set us up with a table for two at a really high end joint."
Tracey was somewhat skeptical of Jon's claims since she could tell when he was lying, or in this case not telling the entire story. But his claims that the evening was still going to happen made her forget all that.
"Really?" She said sounding surprised.
"Of course baby," Jon continued. "It's called the...uh, the 'Alimentaire Cheval.'"
"Hmmm...can't say I've ever heard of it." She said rubbing her chin. "Is it any good?"
"Oh yeah," He said in an unsure tone. "...it's out of this world."
The night had barely started and already Jon was held up in his study a lot longer than he had anticipated. At first it was because he was trying to get Celestia let him bring his wife over for dinner and now it was time spent trying to get her to actually go through with it. Despite her willingness to go out on the town she thought the furthest they'd travel was the upper west side, not to a completely other universe.
It took some time but he finally managed to convince her to go. He had some help in the form of Trixie assuring that the restaurant in question was most excellent and in a very safe neighborhood; a lie in itself since she had never been but that didn't stop her from helping Jon out.
The three of them were now back in the living room where Jon was saying his temporary farewells to his kids.
"Alright you two; mommy and daddy are going to be gone for a little bit," He said but not before giving them each a kiss on the forehead. "Now while we're away you two be good and do whatever Aunt Trixie says, ok?"
The two children agreed and with that Jon was ready to head out. Tracey however was far from ready, they hadn't even left the house yet and already she was worried. Not about herself but for her kids.
Jon turned around to see his wife talking with Trixie like a highway patrolman who'd just pulled over a drunk driver. She may have regarded this night on out with Jon as mana from heaven but she was still uneasy about leaving her children behind while she was in some other world.
"...Also remember the kids shouldn't be up past ten...actually if you can put them to bed now...no wait they haven't had dinner yet...ok after dinner put them to bed but remember to read them a bed time story first," Tracey said, her words frantic with a hint of authority. "Also remember Nathan gets his allergies from his father so nothing with peanuts in them...oh, and Maggie's stuffed bear is in the dryer right now so if she wants it make sure to wait till it's--"
"Honey it's fine!" Jon said cutting her off midway through her instruction. "Trixie's got everything under control...don't you oh Great one?"
"Indeed I do, you needn't worry about a thing Tracey. Your kids are in good hooves with me" Trixie said. "Now then...out of curiosity does your insurance provider cover accidental magic discharges?" Trixie's harmless joke didn't go over very well with Tracey who just looked horrified. Before she could comment Jon was quick on the damage control.
"Honey she was just kidding," he assured her, as he tugged her inch by inch towards the stairs. "Now come on the Princess is waiting for our confirmation."
"I...well al-alright then I..," She said, before moving she gave her kids one last hug then proceeded head upstairs. "...I suppose we should head out now before I change my mind."
Although Jon was anxious to spend some time with Tracey he also wanted to get a move on because he was looking forward to being back in Equestria. For all the faults and for all the bad experiences he's had thus far he always enjoyed the occasional visit. It was the right balance of peaceful and exciting which made him come back time after time.
Whenever someone asked him what the pony world was like he would say something along the lines of: Equestria is place of such overwhelming diversity and kindness you could sneeze in public and get around ten different variations of the phrase "Bless you."
And now he had the chance to share that same feeling with his wife, so he wanted to leave as soon as possible. Tracey on the other hand was not too eager. She was on the verge of heading up the stairs when her maternal instincts got the better of her. She was barely up three steps when she rushed back over to Trixie.
"Ok just one more thing!" She said which only made Jon more impatient. "The emergency numbers are on the fridge...if you need helping dialing the numbers then ask Nathan for help...also my cellphone number is up there to so if for whatever reason you need to get a hold of me you know what to do...also Maggie will probably say she's old enough to drink some soda but I don't want her to be bouncing off the--"
"Trace we need to go!" Jon urged from the bottom of the staircase. "What's the big deal you've let Trixie watch over the kids before?"
"Yes but I was always at least a room way." She said.
"Well it's either this or we go to McDonalds." Jon joked. It didn't help.
"Jon this is serious," She said. "They're my babies and I just feel like I need to--"
"Tracey, Tracey, you have nothing to be worried about." Trixie said as she placed a single hoof over her mouth. "I assure you I will have full control over the situation while you are away."
"...Are you sure?" Tracey asked in a hush tone.
"Of course I am. Observe." Trixie said in a confident tone. To demonstrate her literal control of the kids Tracey faced them and began to bark orders. "Nathan, Maggie...sit!"
Like obedient dogs the two children sat down quickly.
"Nathan, Maggie...roll over." She said, getting her desired results yet again. She turned to Tracey feeling proud of the level of authority she had over them. It didn't help however since both Tracey and Jon looked shocked at the sight of their kids being ordered around like house pets.
Tracey was about to say something when she sighed a sigh of defeat and calmly dragged herself up the stairs and past Jon.
"Before you change your mind?" Jon asked.
"Before I change my mind." She answered back. Both of them eventually disappeared behind the door to Jon's study as their kids waved and yelled goodbye.
The two of them were now alone in the room where Jon did most of his work. This was his home away from home so to speak, so Tracey couldn't help but feel slightly out of place.
"So...how does this usually go down?" She asked. Jon answered as he walked over to his desk phone.
"It's simple really," he answered while dialing a number. "All I have to do is call Celestia and tell her we're ready...she'll then use her magic to transport us to her world and from there she does all the work."
Tracey had so many questions but she decided to wait till after they arrived in Equestria. As Jon briefly had a back and forth with someone over the phone she occupied herself by looking around the room. She motioned to a chair in the corner that was holding up a scruffy looking grey trench coat.
"I must’ve told you a hundred times to throw away that ugly thing." She criticized as Jon got off the phone.
"Alright it's all set," he said. "Now all we do is wait. Oh, make sure to close your eyes though...the light might blind you."
"O-ok." She said, now feeling nervous. "Anything else I should know."
"Uh yeah the princess...well she's not exactly like other ponies," he answered. "You'll see what I mean." Sensing her nervousness Jon walked up to his wife and wrapped his arms around her now trembling body.
"Hey, hey don't worry, everything's fine." He assured her as he pressed her head against his chest.
"I swear if something happens to the kids while we're away you're dead." She threatened.
"Duly noted." Jon quipped. A few moments passed with seemingly nothing happening which gave Tracey time to let her mind wander...which only served to stress her out even more about this whole idea.
"Wait!" She shouted. "I need to go tell her one more thing!" Tearing herself away from Jon's embrace she rushed towards the door that lead to the hallway. She stopped halfway once she realized that the door was no longer there, in fact there was nothing before her but a seemingly endless hall of sterile floors and ivory pillars.
The sound of her heels against the pearl floors echoed all around her, causing all of her senses to overflow with new information. Within the blink of an eye she was no longer in Jon's study but some kind of grand throne room surrounded by stained glass windows and golden ornaments on display.
"What...in the world?" She said as she didn't know whether to be amazed or terrified. The sound of someone clearing their throat behind her got her attention. She spun around to see her husband standing side by side with what she could only described as some kind of mythical beast with wings, a horn, and free flowing hair of many colors.
"Tracey." Jon said. "This is the Princess I was telling you about." The creature that Jon was intruding was huge compared to Trixie. She wasn't taller than Jon but her size and horn gave the appearance that she was. As a veterinarian technician she'd seen horses before but none even came close to this.
The almost divine looking animal took a few steps forward to the terrified human and presented her hoof.
"Welcome to Equestria Ms. McShane." It said with a large smile. "A pleasure to finally meet your acquaintance."
"Oh...my...god." Tracey said as she hesitatingly grabbed her hoof.
"Please dear, call me 'Celestia.'" It said with a giggle.
Episode 13: Fancy Pants on the Daily Show
Being in the position that was Jon Stewart's wife meant that Tracey got to go to a lot of high end dwellings. She'd been to after parties and dinner socials in some of the most expensive outlets imaginable in the city...none of them were even as close to elegant as the Canterlot Castle.
Both Jon and Tracey assumed that Celestia would simply teleport them to the restaurant but as it turned out she used her magic to send them right in the middle of her throne room. She didn't want to pass up the opportunity to see Jon again since their first encounter, and indeed Tracey as well for the very first time.
Originally Celestia was hoping to escort them both personally to the city but as luck would have it she was called away on important business; just as well too since she didn't want to impose on them by acting as the third wheel. To further help them on their date night she set them up on a royal trolley ride that would eventually drop them off in Canterlot proper. They took a special trolley that was accessed from behind the castle to avoid being noticed.
In any other case It would be customary to have some royal guards on board with them but she felt it wasn't necessary since some we're already waiting for them down in the city. That and having burly guards hovering over them might've killed the moment.
"Wow." Tracey said.
"Is that a good 'wow' or a bad 'wow?'" Jon asked his wife who was busy enjoying the scenery. For miles she could see rolling green hills and the occasional mountain terrain. Below the trolley lied the Canterlot city and its many structures. She had positioned herself at the very edge of the moving container and had stuck her head out to get a better view while Jon stood in the center.
"It's...all so beautiful." She commented. "Not at all what I expected."
"What did you think this would be like?" Jon asked taking a seat nearby but not directly next to her.
"I don't know," she said. "I guess I sorta expected...decrepit buildings, dragons flying around and monsters running loose...but this...this just looks like...like..."
"Like something an 8-year-old girl might dream up?" He said.
"Exactly!" She exclaimed. "Thank god you never brought Maggie here; she'd never want to leave."
"Yeah well this place isn't all that great...for starters good luck finding an outlet or any forms of technology past the 1850's for that matter," he said, looking down at some of the buildings below him. "Also they seem to be very fond of the colors pink and purple...not that I know any better but I think these people need to find someone whose special talent is interior decorating."
"Cold." Tracey said.
"Oh, I didn't I was being that mean." Jon responded.
"No, I mean it's cold up here," she added. "If I knew we'd be spending so much time outside I would've brought a coat."
Jon looked back at his wife and noticed that she was shivering slightly and rubbing her hands against her arms. Immediately he sat next to her, took off his pea coat and draped it around her shoulders. He let his left arm hang around her to share some of his warmth as well as to try and get in close.
"Thanks," she said with a smile as she leaned back towards him. She turned her head again to look back outside at the horizon. "So...give me the grand tour."
"Alright...uh to our left we see the lovely Canterlot Castle, the dwelling place of Princess Celestia who is the leader of this world." Jon said, trying his best to remember all he knew about Equestria. He swung his hand over to the side to show his wife the cluster of clouds that was Cloudsdale which was spewing rainbows out of every orifice. "And to our right...we see a town that desperately needs a lesson in subtly."
Tracey laughed so hard she threw her head back, almost hitting Jon in the process. As redundant as it may sound she always found him funny; even when they first started dating. She was enjoying herself but mostly because she got to be alone with him.
"You know I expected this place to be different," she said. "I just didn't think it would be...this different."
"Don't worry," he assured her. "You get used to it."
"Oh really," she responded. "And what's your secret to dealing with all this?"
"Well if I told you then it wouldn't be a secret now would it?" He answered. Tracey lightly jabbed her husband in the stomach with her elbow then looked back outside.
"So...what's that town called?" She said pointing ahead of her.
"Oh that?" He said, squinting his eyes to get a better view in the dark. "That is the town of...Ponyville."
"Pony ville?" She laughed.
"I know right!" Jon said sharing a laugh with her.
"Have you ever been there?" She said. "To Ponyville I mean."
"Oh yes, yes, many times." He answered. "A lot of the guests I've had on the show live over there."
"And here in Canterlot?" She ventured further.
"The castle I've been to, yes," Jon said. "The city, no not really."
"And what about the rainbow city?" She asked pointing to direct his attention back over to Cloudsdale. "Ever been on business there?" Painful memories once again returned causing Jon to tense up, though it wasn't noticeable to Tracey.
"Uh, if it's all the same with you I'd rather not talk about work at the moment." He said trying to change the subject.
"Oh, yeah of course, what was I thinking?" She said sounding somewhat embarrassed. "Tonight let's just enjoy this time together away from...well everything." To emphasize her point she leaned in even closer to Jon. Their eyes met and all at once Jon felt like he was a kid again, taking some young girl out on a date to impress her. Feeling that the mood was right Jon leaned in to give his wife a kiss.
Feeling the same way Tracey did the same. Their lips almost touched when a bright light erupted from the other side of the Trolley momentarily blinding them both.
"GAH!" Jon yelped as rubbed his now eyes in futility. "What the hell!?"
The flash itself was not unlike what one would expect from a burst of magic so Jon looked around to see if someone had appeared. And since it was already dark out, the sudden exposure of light meant that their eyes struggled even harder to regain focus. Opening his eyes Jon could just barely make out the silhouette of a figure just outside of the trolley, before his vision was fully restored the figure in question disappeared.
"AH, son of a bitch!" He yelled. "What was that?!"
Both their visions eventually returned and there was no sign that anyone was in the trolley with them or that there had been at any point besides them. Jon gave a Tracey a confused look realizing that if he didn't know what was going on than neither would her.
"Must have been...uh, nothing...probably nothing?" Tracey said without confidence, her vision having mostly returned.
"Yeah that's what they say in the horror movies," he commented. "And then next thing you know BAM!"
Jon briefly got up to investigate before Tracey grabbed him by his hand and yanked him back down next to her.
"It's fine hon, don't worry about it," she said, still holding his hand. "Now then...where were we?"
This time it was Tracey who leaned in, obviously still in the mood. Jon obliged and inched his face closer to hers, ignoring what happened and trying to enjoy the moment. But again they were interrupted; not by anyone in particular but by the trolley which came to an abrupt halt. The stop was so sudden that Jon jolted forward, accidentally colliding his head into Tracey's. The mood was now officially broken.
The door to the trolley swung open and a booming voice got their attention.
"Esteemed guests!" An authoritative voice declared. "We have arrived in Canterlot."
With a sigh Jon helped his wife up and the two exited the enclosure. The first thing they saw wasn't whoever it was that greeted them but rather the city of bright lights just ahead of them. Centerlot at night was truly something to be seen; unlike Ponyville even at night it was till bustling with activity. It was the Equestrian city that never slept.
"Incredible." Tracey said. Her eyes were fixated on the massive city before them. To her it looked like all the best parts of New York had collided together in one brilliant metropolis. Even for a city boy like Jon who had seen it all, he found himself gawking at the wonder the Canterlot skyline.
"Ahem." the voice said to get their attention. Jon and Tracey looked down to see a pair of larger than average colts standing in their way; both of them unicorns. They were near identical with similar shades of white fur and matching gold armor.
"At the request of the Princess we will be acting as your royal escorts for the night." The one on the left said.
"Indeed." The other one added. "Our orders are to follow your demands and make sure you have a safe trip while in the city."
The two of them stared at their pony counterparts who in turn stared right back. Jon didn't exactly know how to proceed from here since up until now he'd never had royal guards act as his own personal tour guides; nor had he ever seen one from this world. Tracey on the other hand could hardly contain herself.
"Oh. My. Goodness!" She exclaimed. "Jon, honey look! Someone went and dressed these two ponies in adorable guard costumes! Ooooh aren't you two just the cutest little things ever!?"
Squatting down to match their level she began to scratch one under his chin. Both guards were noticeably uneasy by this kind of attention but neither of them spoke out against it. One reason for this was that they were instructed to do whatever they wanted without falter, and other reason being that the two humans were almost twice their size.
The sight of his wife making baby talk at two seemingly rugged guardsmen complete with spears and combat armor made him laugh to himself.
"Alright Trace I think...I think it's time we headed out now," Jon said trying to get his wife to stand back up. "You're making our royal friends here uncomfortable."
"Ok, ok, I'm sorry," She said. Reaching into her purse she grabbed a handful of trail mix she always kept in a baggie just in case. Extending her hand outward she presented it to them as a peace offering; they didn't accept it. Instead both of them turned around towards the city.
"If you are ready we will escort you to the restaurant." One of them said. Jon and Tracey nodded and the two began to follow them close behind.
Their present location was on the outskirts of the city, where trolleys docked and hardworking Earthponies congregated to work on the mechanics or transport cargo. Once they got into the heart of the city the mood changed, soon the couple were surrounded by similarly well-dressed ponies, mostly Unicorns, walking about and socializing. The transition between the two areas was so abrupt it was almost instantaneous.
The two guardsmen continued to escort with Jon and Tracey marveling at the scenery, occasionally catching a few glimpses of ponies doing the exact same about them. They got some looks of confusion and worry; for most this was their first time laying eyes on a human. Jon tried his best not to stand out but didn't take long for someone to make the identification.
"HEY!" A random citizen shouted. "THAT'S JON STEWART!"
Immediately a herd of ponies surrounded them, all wanting to say something. Celebrities were known to associate with each other within the walls of Canterlot but this was different. For the ponies of this town having a human celebrity in their presence was a once in a lifetime opportunity, none of them wanted to pass it up.
Both Jon and Tracey struggled to keep their balance as pony after pony fought to get their attention. The last time either of them were surrounded by this many small animals was when they took their kids to the petting zoo in Grand Central park. Before they could answer any of the dozens questions being tossed at them from all sides a large noise like an anvil falling down got everyone's attention. It was one of the guards slamming his heavy spear against the ground.
"CITIZENS!" He yelled. "We are here on an official assignment from the royal palace...if you do not wish to be cited I suggest you go about your business!" As commanded the multitude of pastel colored ponies fled in all direction; each of them pretending to be busy, but all eyes were still on Jon.
"Oh wow," Jon said. "Uh...thanks for the help..." Jon left his words floating in the hopes that the two guards would finish his sentence by revealing their names. However they simply walked forward on the way to the restaurant which wasn't yet in sight. In an attempt to get a conversation starter Jon tried to identify what their cutie marks were but their armor completely covered their flanks, making it impossible.
"So uh, how long have you two worked for the Princess?" Tracey asked to break the silence. Either they were purposely ignoring them or they were too focused on guiding the two tourists through the busy streets of the city; but for whatever reason they didn't answer back. As much as Jon appreciated Celestia wishing them safe passage through her backyard he couldn't but feel more like a prisoner than a guest of honor at this point.
"You guys sure are a talkative bunch, aren’t ya?” He jested. Again the two straight faced soldiers said nothing and continued doing what they were ordered to do.
As they continued to walk deeper and deeper into the city the citizens all around them kept to themselves but their gossiping was uncontrollable. Some of them even followed from far behind to see where they were going while other just gawked.
It seemed that the more they walked the taller the buildings became. Jon looked to his far left than his far right to get a good panoramic view of the city; he did the same again but this time he looked down then all the way up. The buildings were clean as was the streets which were large in seemingly endless. Jon could probably drop onto the floor and roll around and not even catch a speck of dirt on him.
Even for someone as famous as Jon this all felt very new. He wondered if his wife felt as uncomfortable as he did so to ease her potential suffering he reached out to her.
"So, you enjoying herself yet?" He asked Tracey as he places his arm around her waist.
"All things considering...yeah I am?" She answered with a smile. Before any of them could continue their conversation a bright light surrounded them, momentarily illuminating the entire area. It was the same flash of light as before in that it was so bright that it blinded them once again.
"UGH not again!" Jon grunted. "What is that!?" Before anyone could answer a voice from on high caught his attention.
"Great angle!" The voice shouted. "That one's going to be totally grasshoppa!"
When Jon's vision came back he looked above him to see what had caused the flash of light. It came from a Pegasus flying just above him with a camera around his neck.
Jon had never met him before but he could spot his kind a mile away. He was a paparazzi pony.
Episode 13: Fancy Pants on the Daily Show
The first to regain their vision from the sudden burst of light was Jon; being in front of bright lights on a studio set four days a week blessed him with such tolerance. When his eyes adjusted to the dark long enough for him to see clearly he found the source of the bright light, it came from a rather large Pegasus flying just about him.
Jon didn't need to ask what he was doing because he'd seen his kind before; he was taking candid pictures of him and Tracey. The creature had a large wing span (though normal for his size) and a camera around his neck. His coat was black and his mane was mint green with white streaks which made it look like his hair was fading. Visually there were two features that stood out the most about him. One was his very long mane which was carefully woven into dreadlocks, and the other was a bright two tone yellow scarf that he wore around his neck, which stood out especially in contrast to his dark body.
The Pegasus flew in place staring at those below him with a smile that was brighter than the flash from his camera. A smile which, Jon would later notice, rarely left his face.
"I knew I recognized ya!" He said in a scratchy, wise-cracking voice. "You're Jon Stewart! Dang, I can't wait to tell the fellas about this one!"
"Excuse me!" Tracey said, her vision now back as well. "Who are you!?"
"Oh right, sorry about that," he said without showing an ounce of regret for what he did. "The name's Shutter Speed! I'm a photographer."
Jon was about to press further about who he was and what his motives were for being here, but before he could the two guards responsible for his safety stepped forward.
"Speed! Get the hell out of here!" One of them yelled. "We've got enough to worry about without you sticking your nose where it doesn't belong!"
"That's right!" The other guard added. "If you don't turn tail right now I swear I'll make it so you don't fly straight for a month!"
This sudden outburst of rage surprised both Jon and Tracey. Up until now the only emotion they ever saw from their guardian friends was dismissive sincerity, and intense reverence for their job. Whoever this Shutter Speed was he seemed to know how to press the right buttons.
"Fellas, fellas you hurt me," Shutter said while still smiling from ear to ear. "Can't you two give a struggling artist a break every once in a while?"
"'Struggling artist?'" One guard said. "Don't give me that! You're nothing more than a two bit, dime-a-dozen, cheap cameraman for hire, who goes around taking pictures for anyone dumb enough to pay for your 'services.'"
"Ha! Jokes on you!" Shutter said back. "Only two of those things are true."
"We mean it Speed!" The other guard threatened. "Leave now, or else!"
"All right, all right, I get the message." He said. "But before I go, let me ask ya...aint you even a little big curious about how I knew where to find y’all?"
"No." One guard said bluntly. "Last chance Speed...leave or I'm taking this spear and I'll shove it so far up your--"
"Actually," Jon interjected. "How did you find us?"
"Yeah I'm actually curious about that myself," Tracey added. "I thought Celestia said we'd take the back trolley to avoid being seen as much as possible."
Having finally gotten the chance to talk to the two humans for once Shutter flew up higher like he was addressing an audience. He looked down at Jon and Tracey, his long hair dangling down like fishing lines and his ever present smile still clearly visible.
"Well see that's the problem, pretty lady." He said to Tracey. "The princess don't usually use that thing at this hour so I knew she was up to something."
His reasoning was both simple and the same time brilliant to Jon.
"But I had to make sure whatever was going down was big," He continued as he took out a picture. "Once I had identified who was on the trolley I rushed back into town to see if I couldn't get an even better look and well...here I am!"
Flying in between the two guards Shutter Speed showed Jon and Tracey a candid photo of the two of them on the verge of sharing a kiss. The setting looked familiar and once Jon put two and two together a startling realization overcame him and him momentary embarrassment.
"Wait," Jon said, pausing to get his facts in order. "So...the flash of light from when we were on the trolley was..."
"Ding, ding, ding...that's right Mr. S" Shutter said. "That was me! Once the photo developed I recognized you from TV and I knew I just had to get some more of ya."
After his explanation Tracey took the photo from him to observe it further. Jon grimaced at the thought of what Tracey might say or do. One aspect that came with the territory of Jon's popularity was the publicity. Under US law since Jon was a well-known public figure he didn't have an expectation of privacy. This meant that virtually anyone at any time could take pictures of him and his family with or without their consent.
Jon by this time was used to it but Tracey always found it annoying since it usually happened at the most inopportune times. This came to a head once a few years back when the Stewart family went trick-or-treating and a cameraman wouldn't leave them alone. There was no way any photo from Equestria could be traced back to the human world but Jon still prepared himself for his wife's eventual rage.
"I...I love it!" Tracey said; everyone but Shutter Speed was surprised. She leaned in to give Jon a better look. "Look honey doesn't this picture of us look adorable?" Jon wasn't an expert on photography but even he had to admit that the picture did turn out pretty good. The darkness juxtaposed the bright interior of the trolley quite nicely.
"Yeah, it's pretty grasshoppa if I do say so myself." Shutter said. "If you want you can keep that...I already made a copy so it's aaaaall goooood."
"Thank you very much, Mr. Speed." She said as she put the photo neatly into her purse. "Out of curiosity did you take any more of us?"
"I sure did!" He said as he presented some more photos to the two intrigued humans. Most of them were from far away with the last one being a close up shot of them being escorted by the two royal guards. Out of context it almost looked like they were being arrested.
Tracey admired his handy work and was about to comment on them with another question when a guard strolled in between them, his massive spear leaning more towards Shutter.
"With all due respect Ms. McShane, we do need to get to the restaurant to make your reservation." The guard said now turning his attention to the floating stallion. "Now then...if you please excuse me we do have somewhere to be...so get lost!" To further intimidate the pesky Pegasus he slammed butt of his spear against the ground, making a loud and powerful sound. Shutter Speed didn't flinch or look at all afraid, if anything it made him smile even harder.
"I suddenly feel like I'm not wanted" He said with a fake expression of pain while placing a hoof over his heart. "Alright I get the message I'll leave."
He began to slowly fly backwards widening the gap between himself and the guards. He didn't get too far before calling out to Jon and Tracey.
"Alright you crazy kids, have a great night on the town," he called out. "I'm sure you'll just loooove spending your time together with these two bundles of joy."
Jon and Tracey looked at the two royal guards than at each other. As if communicating telepathically they both made a decision.
"Hey Shutter Speed, why don't you tag along for now!" Jon called out, getting mixed, negative reactions from the two guards.
"Yes by all means...it'd be nice to have someone to talk to for a little bit," Tracey said. "Besides we'd love to have some more pictures to commemorate this night."
In response to this Shutter Speed arched his back and flew as fast as he could directly at them. Before he could get too close however two intersecting spears stopped him mid-flight.
"I'm sorry but I'm afraid we cannot allow this." One guard said. "We were ordered to--"
"You were ordered to do whatever we requested, am I correct." Tracey interrupted, standing over the guard to show off her height.
"Well..." The guard said, fidgeting in place. "Y-yes but--"
"In that case we request that Shutter Speed comes with us." Jon added, backing up his wife. The two guards looked up at the two humans towering over them and begrudgingly nodded their heads.
"You may...accompany us." The other guar, his words covered in a thick layer of contempt.
"Grasshoppa!" Shutter said. He hovered just above the two humans and soon the five of them were once again on their way. It didn't take long for someone to start asking questions.
"So Shutter Speed," Tracey said getting almost everyone's attention. "What kind of photographer are you?"
"Oh little ol' me?" He said in an overactive tone. "I take pictures for whatever work I can get...but mostly I do photos of famous ponies."
"So I'm guessing taking pictures is your special talent?" Jon asked. His question was met with an answer but from a completely different pony.
"His special talent is being a pain in the ass." One of the guards said.
"I get the feeling these two don't like you very much." Jon commented.
"Nah, they just act like that; deep down they loooove me!" Shutter said, getting giggles from Jon and Tracey. "I like to consider myself the local jack of all trades but to answer your question...yep taking photos is what I'm all about! See...check it!"
He flew at just to the side of them to show off his cutie mark which was a roll of film. It was difficult to see against his dark body, especially at night but it was still visible. It was his dark coating that made him such an excellent photographer since at night most ponies never saw him coming.
"I'm guessing it's that special talent that's gotten you in trouble with...um?" Tracey said trying to recall if she knew the names of the two royal guards currently in front of him.
"Flint and Tinder." Shutter said causing the ears of two guards to bend backwards.
"Excuse me?" Jon asked.
"Their names...their names are Flint and Tinder," He repeated himself. "Two royal guards who patrol mostly in Canterlot City...and yeah they don't like it when I take the occasional picture of celebrities buuuuut that's not why they’re mad me....isn't that right guys?"
"Don't start with me." Flint said.
"Why what happened?" Tracey asked. When neither guard answered her Shutter took it upon himself to give the explanation.
"Imagine if you will two royal guards who were honor bound with the most meaningful assignment there ever was...defending the wellbeing of the citizens in the greatest city in Equestria, Canterlot!" Shutter said in a poetic tone. "Now imagine those same royal guards found sleeping on the job."
"We. Weren't. Sleeping." Tinder said.
"Oh riiiight," Shutter said. "And I suppose that picture I took was of you two just closing your eyes for a second.'"
Jon and Tracey couldn't help but laugh a little bit. What followed would have been an awkward silence but Shutter Speed wouldn't allow it.
"So what are you two celebrating today?" He asked. "I don't know nothing about no humans but y'all look pretty snazzy."
"Oh nothing special really," Tracey answered. "We're just going out for a dinner date."
"Aaaah…Grasshoppa!" Shutter said, giving a wink to them both. "Where to?"
"Some place called 'the Alimentaire Cheval.'" Jon answered trying his best to pronounce it right.
"Oh I know that joint!" Shutter exclaimed. "I go there all the time."
"Really?" Tracey asked. "Is there food any good?"
"HA! I wouldn't know!" He said with a hardly laugh. "An appetizer at the place probably costs more than this camera...I just troll the place for high profile ponies to take picture of."
After finishing his explanation Shutter leaned in just close enough so Flint and Tinder couldn't hear him.
"If you want I can show you two where the restaurant is," He said with a smirk. "I'm willing to bet my flank that you'd much rather be escorted by anypony other than these two sour ponies."
Both Jon and Tracey weighed the options of either being escorted further by the charming and helpful Shutter Speed or the straitlaced duo that was Flint and Tinder. The outcome wasn't even close.
"Hey uh...Flint, Tinder," Jon said. "You guys have done a great job so far, really you have…but from here on out I think we'd much rather go with Shutter Speed over here."
Upon hearing this the group capme to an abrupt stop. Two royal guards had stopped in their place and turned to face them with shocked expressions.
"Yeah we'll be fine," Tracey added. "We'll be sure to tell Celestia that you--"
"I'm sorry but I'm afraid we really can't allow this!" Flint said. "While we were ordered to listen to your requests we were also instructed to keep you safe...we would not feel comfortable leaving you in the hooves of this low life."
When the word “low life” escaped his mouth Shutter Speed made a motion with his hoof like he was driving a knife into his heart.
"Look guys," Jon said. "I appreciate the thought but--"
"By order of the Princess I'm afraid our desicion is final!" Tinder interrupted. "Now then...let us continue." A silence hung over the group only to be broken by Jon.
"They should make a sitcom out of you two." He said, but they said nothing.
They continued to walk with Jon and Tracey looking rather disappointed. Shutter Speed however was still smiling; he leaned in close once again to address only the two humans
"When I give the signal...close your eyes." He said. Before they could ask he flew just ahead of the party and made some slight adjustments to his camera.
"HEY FLINT, HEY TINDER!" He said now hovering above them. The two looked up to see him poised with his camera ready to go. "SAY 'CHEESE'"
Gathering that he had given the signal both Jon and Tracey closed their eyes. A few seconds later a bright flash of light lit up the night sky for an even longer extended period of time. The sound of Flint and Tinder dropping their spears and groaning in pain caused the two to open their eyes once again.
"LET'S BOOGY!" Shutter yelled as he flew down a nearby dark ally. Jon and Tracey followed, laughing as the adrenalin coursed through their bodies.
"HALT!" Flint demanded as he ran in a random direction. "IN THE NAME OF THE CELESTIA I ORDER YOU TWO TO--" Before getting the chance to finish his demands he ran head first into a street lamp, temporarily rendering him unconscious. Tinder, who wasn't doing much better, found himself unable to see to the point where he ended up staggering backwards into pile of trash that someone had left out.
Jon and Tracey were running hand in hand, making sharp turns through ally after ally trying to lose their would be pursuers. They felt like high school kids who were caught hanging around school grounds after hours by campus security. It'd been years since either of them felt so alive; they enjoyed every second of it.
"That...was so grasshoppa!" Shutter yelled over the sound of feet stomping on hard ground. "Just follow me, we're almost there!"
A few twist and turns later and the three were now standing in front of a large building that was populated on all sides by ponies of all shapes and colors. A sign just over head said confirmed that this was indeed their desired location.
"Well here we are," Shutter said. "First floor we have fancy ponies, overpriced dinners, and fine wine."
"Listen Mr. Speed I'd like to thank you for bailing us out." Tracey said.
"Indeed. Is there anything we can do to make it up to you?" Jon ventured.
"Actually maybe there is," He said with a grin. "Mind if I take one last picture of you and the Misses before you head in?"
"I'm sure that'd make for a nice pair of antlers to hang on your wall." Jon joked.
"We'll do it but only if we get a copy." Tracey interjected with a smile that matched Speed's.
The couple huddled together while Shutter Speed lined up his shot to include both the couple and the restaurant in the background. A second passed and he took the picture, which developed right in front of them and slowly began to increase in contrast.
All three of them huddled together to get a better look. The two humans were in perfect focus and the background served as nice background which didn’t draw attention away from the couple.
"Grasshoppa!" Shutter said admiring his own work. "Alright I'll be in the area if you need any more help...enjoy your dinner, you fancy folks." And with that he flew upwards into the sky and began to circle the area like a vulture.
"Nice guy." Tracey said. Jon agreed and checked his watch to see what time it was.
Grabbing a hold of his wife's hand Jon turned and made his way towards the restaurant, readying himself for a nice quiet dinner with his wife. Unaware that the real fun hadn't even started yet.
Episode 13: Fancy Pants on the Daily Show
With Shutter Speed now gone Jon and Tracey were left to themselves, standing across the street from a massive building that had a large crowd of ponies clambering to enter. The building in question was, as it said on the sign out front, the 'Alimentaire Cheval,' the restaurant that they were to dine at.
"Well...we're here," Jon said as his wife admired the beautiful architectural properties, something which she had a thing for. "Last chance; are you sure you wouldn't want to go to McDonald's instead?"
Jon's jesting was met with Tracey lovingly punching him on the arm. It was playful but at the same time she was in much better shape than her husband so she could hit pretty hard. She was about to start walking forward when a thought crossed her mind.
"Shall we head in?" Jon asked.
"Wait I got to do something first," She said pulling her cellphone out of her purse. "I want to call Trixie and see how the kids are doing."
Rather than stopping her Jon just watched in amusement at what was about to happen. Immediately her call to the home phone could not go through, all she got was a voice telling her that the number she had dialed was either disconnected or that she had no signal.
"Sweet heart?" Jon said rubbing her shoulders. "These people don't even have airplanes...so they sure as hell don't have a satellite that can pick up phone signals...come on let's go.” A defeated Tracey put away her phone and agreed.
Hand in hand the couple found the designated crosswalk section of the road where they slowly made their way towards the grand building. While they slowly walked forward Jon got the chance to admire the new district of Canterlot that they were currently occupying. It looked even more elegant than where they just came from.
Its many features reminded him of central park. The street that held the restaurant carried many different stores, most of which were antique shops and even a clothing boutique. Behind him was, what looked like high end town houses and he could just barely make out a park just around the corner.
If Jon didn't know any better he would have guessed he stumbled back home and onto 5th Avenue. The one aspect of this area, and indeed all of Canterlot, that didn't resemble Manhattan was how clean it was. Even in the most lavish of neighborhoods in the great state of New York one could easily find its fair share of graffiti or occasional trash heaps, but in Canterlot everything was clean and sterile and if there was any trash it was properly disposed of.
Even the restaurant they were about to enter looked like it was trying to complete with the standard held back home. Without prior knowledge of its purposes one might mistakenly assume it was city hall or some other kind of official government building. It was white with columns on the front and two statues of an Alicorn; each on either side of the entrance.
As the two approached the building they noticed it was completely fenced off by ponies on all sides. Some trying to get in and others who just happened to be socializing in the area.
"Wanna see something funny?" Jon said to Tracey. She nodded and Jon made his way up to the edge of the crowd and behind a colt, complete with a tuxedo, top hat, and monocle.
"AHEM!" Jon leaned in to clear his throat right next to the ear of the dapper looking pony.
"I beg your pardon!" He said. "But do you mind not--" Stopping mid-sentence he yelped in surprise at the strange species that was now staring at him. The pony closest to him turned to investigate what was going on and did the same. This pattern, like a series of dominoes, continued till all eyes were looking up at him. Jon took a few steps forward and just as he predicted the ponies in the crowd stepped to the side as he gradually made his way forward.
"M'lady." Jon said in old British accent. He extended his hand out at Tracey who took hold, allowing him to escort her through the sea of ponies. Eventually they got to the front door where the doorpony usually stood and used his magic to let guests enter, at this time however he was too awestruck to even move.
"Don't worry I got that." Jon said before opening the door for his wife. The two entered without anyone saying anything to them.
Once inside they realized exactly why everyone was trying to enter in a hasty, though well organized and sophisticated, fashion. The 'Alimentaire Cheval' was in fact that finest restaurant in all of Canterlot and based on its interior it wasn't hard to see why.
The place was built almost like a theatre with tables set up in the center of the building and an upper level which held similar tables; all of which surrounded a stage located towards the back where a group of musicians were in the middle of a performance.
Much like Canterlot itself the inside was neat and pristine. Overhead one could easily see a few chandeliers and the walls were decorated with paintings of scenery and famous looking ponies, none of whom Jon recognized. Everything was candle lit and at the very center of the ceiling was a section made of class to let the moon light in.
One of the long stretches of wall that seemed to extend all the way around the restaurant had a very poetic mural painted on it of two Alicorns facing each other and in the very center of the establishment was a giant stone carved statue of another Alicorn pointing at said mural.
Not everyone present was wearing clothing but those who were had only the finest attire and they spoke and moved like they had been practicing for hours.
"This sure beats the Park Avenue Seasonal, huh Trace?" Jon said.
"Yeah...it...sure does." She answered still spellbound by everything. Jon and Tracey were in lobby like structure where on both their sides were benches and an more paintings. Just ahead was a maître d busily scribbling in her large leather book while simultaneously helping guests get seated.
"Alright let's do this." Jon said as he guided his wife over to the pony in charge of getting people sat. He approached the light green pony with baby blue hair and tried to get her attention.
"Um excuse me?" Jon said to the Unicorn whose eyes never left the book of names. "We're here for a reservation."
"Name." The hostess said bluntly.
"Uh, it should be under Jon." He said.
"Sorry, we don't have you." She said in a dry tone.
"But you didn't even check!" Tracey said sounding somewhat insulted.
"Trust me I would have remembered a name like that ," The rude pony said. "Next time you want to sneak in try a more convincing name like 'Buttersquash' or 'Cloudburst.'"
Tracey was moments away from laying into her when Jon placed a hand on her shoulder and gave her a look as if to say, "I got this."
"It would really help us a lot if you checked again Ms....Ms. Majestic," Jon said, stopping to read her name tag. "Because I assure you we do have reservations...Princess Celestia told us so herself."
Hearing the Princess' name caused the pony to look up at them. Her first instinct was to naturally question them on the validity of their claim but when she layed eyes on the two her jaw dropped and she began to frantically think of what to say. Before she could utter a single word something exploded onto the scene nearly tackling her in the process.
"Majestic! Leave us une fois!" A creature said in a thick French accent.
This time it was Jon and Tracey surprised to see a new and strange species before them. The creature that quite literally flew in to help was a dark grey Griffon with light grey wings and mane. He wore a red ascot around his neck, a chef’s hat, and most noticeable of all had a large mustache like what one would expect from a 30s villain who ties nuns to train tracks.
The scared pony darted off as the Griffon took the podium that she had previously manned. After straightening out his accessory he began addressing Jon and Tracey.
"Monsieur Stewart I apologize zis inconvénients!...Allow me to introduce myself, I am the head chef and co-owner of zis établissement, Gustave Le Grand!” He said with a bow. “Welcome to the 'Alimentaire Cheval...again my deepest apologies!"
It took Jon a moment to respond, this was his first time seeing a Griffon and he found himself somewhat terrified.
"Oh well that's uh...that's alright," Jon said, his eyes drawn to Gustave’s large talons. "We uh...we're here tonight because the uh…the princess said she would set us up with a table."
"Ah oui oui Monsieur oui oui, we heard about your arrival and have prepared everysing!" Gustave said. "Please, please! Follow me right zis way!" The enthusiastic chef walked slowly into the restaurant, cutting right in the middle as Jon and Tracey followed close behind.
"More following." Jon whispered to Tracey who giggled. The building was very large and spacious even for humans so Jon took this opportunity to scan the room to see if he recognized anyone and to his surprise he actually did.
In one table clear across the other side of the room was a group of formal looking ponies conversing amongst themselves. One of whom was Mayor Mare who seemed to be doing most of the talking.
"Well, well, well," Jon said to himself. "Of all the restaurants, in all the cities, in all of Equestria."
Jon's hulking presence caught her attention and soon both their eyes met where upon she quickly motioned to her guests like she was saying "excuse me." She waved at Jon, prompting both he and Tracey to wave and smile back.
"Who're we waving at?" She asked, being all too familiar with being in this position.
"That's the mayor of Ponyville." Jon said as he continued walking. "I had her on the show once...nice lady."
"Ah I see," she said still waving. "What's her name?"
"Get this...Mayor Mare." Jon said, getting look of surprise from his wife. "...I know right!"
The couple continued walking and right away Jon noticed another familiar face only this time it was from one of the musicians up on the stage. It was none other than Octavia who, along with a band of five other ponies, were in the middle of performing a piece. Jon didn't wave to her since she was so attentive to her work that her eyes were closed shut. Though even if she did see him chances are she wouldn't have acknowledged him, not during a performance anyway.
From there on Jon didn’t recognize anyone else. All he saw was endless rows of strangers staring at him or very obviously talking about him. None of them tried to interact with him possibly because it would be considered unbecoming, but just when Jon and Tracey were almost to their table when a voice a called out.
"Jonathan!" A voice said. "I say, Jonathan over here!"
Ordinarily Jon would just assume whoever was talking was calling out to someone else since no one ever called him by "Jonathan" except his mother, and even then only when he got in trouble as a kid. But since this was Equestria he looked in all directions to see who was trying to get his attention. From his right side Jon could now see who was calling out to him; it was a white stallion sitting at a table with a mare of the same color.
The stallion was waving at Jon while his marefriend was busy laying her long neck on his back.
"Another friend of yours?" Tracey asked as she waved back.
"No actually…I've never seen them before in my life," Jon said. Before continuing Jon turned to talk to his Griffon helper. "Hey Le Grande can we make a quick detour over there?" Since one of his staff members had neglected Jon not too long ago Gustave wasn't in any position to say no. He quickly changed gears to escort the two over to the table.
Upon closer inspection Jon could now see the two Unicorns better. The male pony had a slightly longer than average mane of sapphire blue and his cutie mark was three golden crowns. He was also the only one of the two wearing any clothing in the form of a tuxedo, a matching blue vest, and a purple bow tie. His guest was a tall slender female whose mane was light pink with white stripes and her cutie mark was three Fleur de Lis symbols.
"Jonathan, so good to finally meet you!" The blue haired pony said. "And this must be your lovely wife Tracey! It's an absolute pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"Uh likewise I suppose," Jon said. "But I'm afraid you've put me in an awkward position...you know me but I don't know you."
"Oh I do hope you’ll forgive me; it would seem I have forgotten my manners!" He said now motioning to the pony next to him. "First and foremost this is my lovely confidante, Fleur de Lis...dear, this is the human I walk telling you about."
As if she was sick, or perhaps just didn't care, the slim pony lazily lifted her hoof for the two to shake. She didn't say anything nor did she look at them, she was too busy resting herself on the shoulder of her mate.
"It's nice to meet you." Jon said shaking her hoof.
"Likewise for me as well." Tracey added. When neither of them got a response back Tracey spoke again. "I really like your mane by the way...very lovely." Her compliment got Fleur de Lis' attention.
“…Thank you, my dear.” She said only to quickly go back to doing nothing. An awkward silence followed, though it didn’t stay for very long.
“Right then.” Fancy Pants said as he offered his hoof. "And as for me, my name is Fancy Pants."
Jon had to use all of his willpower to fight back the wave of laughter from escaping his mouth. His cheeks puffed and he placed his hand across his mouth. Tracey noticed this and covertly pinched his leg which was a warning she gave to her children (and on occasions Jon himself) to not act up, and to be on their best behavior.
"Pleased to meet you Mr. Fancy Pants." Tracey said in a friendly tone as she shook his hoof.
"Yeah..." Jon said with a large grin on his face, doing the same. "A real pleasure."
"Well then...now that we've gotten all that out of the way, Fleur de Lis and I would simply love it if you would join us for dinner." He said motioning to the two empty seats across from him.
"You mean…like a double date?" Tracey asked.
"Well I should dare say yes, exactly like one." Fancy Pants said.
"That's very kind of you to offer," Jon said. "But I'm afraid my wife and I had had plans to--"
"We'd love to!" Tracey said, causing Jon to look at her with confused eyes.
"We would?" He asked.
"Oh of course we would!" She reiterated. "Oh come on honey when was the last time we went on a date with another couple."
"Uuuh… I think Ol' Bubba was still in office at the time." Jon said, answering a question he knew wasn’t meant to be answered.
"Please honey...it'll be fun!" She said with begging eyes.
"...You're enjoying all this aren't you?" Jon asked.
"immensely!" She said with a laugh.
She noticed that Jon looked slightly uncomfortable with this idea so to help she decided to sweeten the deal.
"And if you do this for me when we get home I'll..." She leaned in to whisper something in his ear. Neither Fancy Pants nor Fleur de Lis could hear what she was saying but judging by how Jon's facial features changed from uninterested to astounded it must have been huge.
"SO!" Jon exclaimed. "About that double date!"
"Exceptional!" Fancy Paints announced. "Please won't you sit down?"
Jon and Tracey followed his hoof that extended towards the two empty seats; immediately there was a problem. Although the table and chairs scattered around the restaurant were very high fashion and well-crafted, with fine wood and adorned with the expertly woven tapestries, they were a few sizes too small. For a pony they were just the right height but for the average human it was kiddie table sized
Fancy Pants didn't notice this but fortunately the still present Gustave Le Grand had taken this into consideration long ago.
"Actually since you will all be dinning together I suggest everyone follow me." He said. All four of them followed Gustave to the very center of the restaurant where the statue of the Alicorn was located. It was then that Jon realized that the statue was that of Celestia herself. But most importantly from this new angle Jon could clearly see that as well as being a statue it was also part booth.
At the very base of the stone monument was a carved out section that held a half circle booth. It was larger than the other tables because only Royalty was allowed to sit there. But for this night only an exception was made in this case Jon and his wife.
The booth itself was made from mahogany wood and the cushions imbedded in it were bright red and made of silk. The table on the other hand was so shiny Jon could see his reflection in it, if he didn't know any better he'd say it was made of diamond.
"You're server will be with you in a moment." Gustave said. "Please...enjoy your stay."
Jon helped Tracey get onto the table with Fancy Pants doing the exact same with Fleur de Lis. No sooner did they sit down did a team of waiters, who were dressed better than Jon did on an average day, sprung from seemingly nowhere to give them their complimentary wine.
"My word this is a rather splendid turn of events isn't it?" Fancy Pants asked as he looked around. "I've been here a multitude of times but never have I sat in the Alicorn table...I admire the influence you have in our world Mr. Stewart."
"Oh please...call me Jon." He said not at all wanting to confess that the only reason he got the table was because of his large build. "And for tonight let's forget all about social statuses, work, and our responsibilities and just have a good time."
All agreed (with Fleur de Lis nodding instead of talking) and after a quick sip of their wine the dinner date have officially begun.
Episode 13: Fancy Pants on the Daily Show
Even before sitting down Jon and Tracey were attracting a lot of attention from the many patrons of the 'Alimentaire Cheval.’ Their enormous size and the fact that they were of a different species meant they were turning a bunch of heads but now, in their new booth, they were literally the center of attention.
Since their arrival Jon's plans of having a dinner with Tracey had changed to a double date with Fancy Pants and his companion Fleur de Lis, and to his surprise he actually enjoyed their company.
"So...Fancy Pants." Jon said, secretly not actually calling him by his name. "What's the deal? Why did you want to dine with me and Tracey so bad?"
"Well isn't it obvious? Jon my good man you have been quite the talk of the town as of late," he said. "Anypony associated with you is only the highest caliber of pony, and when we heard about how you'd be coming in today…well, we just had to see if it was true."
"Huh, didn't think I was that famous ‘round these parts." Jon said. "I'm assuming I'm not the only reason you came here today though."
"Oh quite right Jon, quite right." He said. "In addition I get the chance to spend some time away from work and with my lovely partner over here."
"Funny you should mention that cause that's exactly why we came out today as well." Tracey said as she lovingly rubbed Jon's arm.
"Well you and I are not alone," Fancy Pants said. "This restaurant is an ideal local for couples to congregate and mingle."
Jon peaked from out of his booth to see if Fancy Pants was telling the truth, and indeed he was. Table after table Jon saw ponies making bedroom eyes at each other or leaning in close for comfort.
One such couple he saw was a pair of Unicorns near the front of the stage; where one was using it's magic to flirtatiously pop a piece of food in the other one's mouth. The male pony was light blue with a dark blue mane while the female pony was light grey and had streaks of purple and white in her hair. Jon thought they looked familiar but quickly dismissed it and returned to his double date which had gone on without him.
"So, Fleur de Lis?" Tracey ventured. "How long have you and Fancy Pants been together?"
She didn't answer but instead leaned her entire body against Fancy Pants staring in any direction but at the humans.
"Oh we've been together for quite some time now. Almost ten years in fact." Fancy Pants answered for her as if nothing was wrong. "It's amusing how after all this time she still detests my long hours at work but, in the end we're very happy with each other...isn't that right, my love?"
Again she didn't answer but this time she showed some courtesy by slowly swinging her long slender neck to face Jon and Tracey giving them a simple nod of the head as an answer.
After an embarrassed cough Jon tried to keep the flow of conversation going.
"Anyway, it seems we're not so different...you and I." Jon said before taking a sip of his wine.
"I'm not too fond my husband's work schedule either." Tracey confessed for clarification. "So I know how you feel, dear."
"Yeah, that’s why we're here today." Jon added. "The only reason I even thought about coming to Equestria was to spend some time with Tracey."
"Ah yes of course," Fancy Pants said. "But that's not the only reason now is it, kind sir?" Jon didn't know what he was implying. He would have asked him to clarify but then the sound of the small orchestra on stage coming to a halt grabbed everyone's attention.
In response the crowed gave an applause like what one might hear at a golf tournament. A majority of them did so by stomping their hooves against the floor. Octavia took the first bow followed by her colleagues then went right back to playing. As they did a group of ponies surrounded Jon's booth from all sides.
"Ah, excellent our meals have arrived." Fancy Pants said with glee. Jon turned to see four different ponies come up and place various plates of food in front of them.
"If you require anything else please do not hesitate to ask." One of them said before dashing off. At that moment Jon realized that as well as setting up their reservation and seating arrangements Celestia also took the liberty of picking out their food. A bit restrictive but Jon didn't want to cause a scene by complaining. Just as well too since their food was salad which Tracey enjoyed eating and would have probably had him order anyway.
Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis had ordered their food before Jon had even arrived at the restaurant which meant they all got to eat at the same time. He ordered the pasta while she was content with just water and a small helping of soup.
"This all looks so good," Tracey said. "So...so healthy looking."
"Well come on gang let's dig in," Jon said with much vigor. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse."
Jon's comment made everyone at the table, including Fleur de Lis, look at him with odd expressions.
"...What?" Jon asked before getting intercepted by Tracey.
"It's just a figure of speech!" She explained. "We don't...we don't actually...uh, eat horses."
After an uncomfortable silence Fancy Pants was the first to say something.
"Ahem...yes well I propose a toast." He said lifting his glass in the air. "To a great dinner and even better friends!
After that the two couples enjoyed their meal while going back and forth talking about themselves and their experiences. Everyone shared in the conversation, with the exception of Fleur de Lis, but it was a bit one sided with Fancy Pants asking a lot of questions in an attempt to pick the brains of the human couple.
Tracey told stories about her life as a veterinary technician which for Equestrians meant she'd be a doctor of sorts. Jon, at the request of Fancy Pants, talked about his life growing up in New Jersey, his time as a comedian in New York and his visits to Equestria.
"So...so you're telling me..." Fancy Pants said in between fits of laughter. "That after your photographer chum blinded the guards with a flash from his camera you two just left!?"
"More like we hauled ass," Jon said, nudging his wife with his shoulder. "I tell ya I don't remember the last time I ran that hard."
"My word Jonathan," Fancy Pants said. "If you don't mind me saying but it seems whenever you come visit our world you find yourself in a bit of a predicament."
"In some respects it's the same back home." Tracey said. "My husband can be a real trouble maker sometimes."
"Who me?" Jon asked innocently.
"Yes you!" Tracey said lightly pushing him.
"Oh I see gang up on the Jew," Jon said trying hard not to laugh. "Real classy Trace!"
“Well then…should I tell them about the time the local sheriff caught you doing…the thing you did from when we vacationed in Vermont that one year?” Tracey asked causing Jon to look away in embarrassment.
“My word it would seem your husband is quite the rapscallion.” Fancy Pants said in jest.
“Oh don’t act so innocent mister monocle.” Jon said. “I’m sure if I asked your gal she’d tell me a story or two about you.”
“Oh…I disagree; I’m what you would call quite boring…yes, yes I’m afraid I'm just a uninteresting stick in the mud.” Fancy Pants said. “Believe me when I say my life isn’t filled with the richness and excitement like yours. For me it's business as usual…isn’t that right dear.”
“Boarding School prank.” Fleur de Lis said, the mere fact she spoke surprised everyone at the table. Fancy Pants turned to face his marefriend with a shocked look on his face like she’d just given the password to his bank account. Seeing this, both Jon and Tracey locked on their target with matching smiles.
“What’s this about a boarding school prank?” Tracey asked.
“Yes…do enlighten us.” Jon added. Clearing his throat Fancy Pants adjusted himself in his seat and took a sip of his wine to avoid having to answer himself for a second.
“Yes well…I believe what Fleur de Lis means is…once when I was a young lad I got in trouble at boarding school.” He confessed. “I…was caught playing a prank on the school's dean.”
“Oh this I gotta hear.” Jon said as he leaned in with both elbows on the table. With a sigh of defeat Fancy Pants explained himself.
“Well…if you must know back when I attended boarding school there was this fraternity that I wanted to join.” He explained. “I wanted so badly to be a part of them since most ponies who joined their ranks went on to do great things in their life.”
“You? A frat boy?” Jon teased. “I can’t imagine.”
“Anyway…one of the conditions of my acceptance was that I had to play a prank on the dean of our school.” He continued. “It was during a three day weekend and on the final day I broke into his office and…well I replaced all his documentations with photocopies of my…ahem…of my…posterior, as it were.”
Tracey didn’t laugh out of respect, although she badly wanted to. Jon on the other hand laughed so hard it almost gave him a headache.
“So…s-s-so what happened!?” Jon asked, determined to hear the ending.
“Well my plan failed since halfway through the dean came in anyway and caught me in the act…I almost got expelled.” Fancy Pants said.
“Why was he in his office if the campus was closed?” Tracey asked.
“Ah that was my mistake.” Fancy Pants said. “As it turns out…it wasn’t a three day weekend…just a regular one.”
This time both Tracey and Jon laughed with Fleur de Lis looking playful and Fancy Pants red in the face.
“In the end I never did join their fraternity.” Fancy Pants said before sipping his wine. “Ah memories.”
“But hey…who needs em anyway right?” Jon said trying to make his friend feel better. “I mean you went on to do great things right? I mean…uh, what do you do?”
“Oh this and that.” Fancy Pants said. “I like to dabble in a variety of things…case in point I actually own this restaurant.”
“Wait I thought that Gustave fellow owned this place?” Tracey asked.
“Ah yes, indeed he does which makes us both co-owners if you want to technical.” Fancy Pants said.
Tracey was about press the issue further when the sound of the orchestra's music caught everyone’s attention once again. They were nearly done with their last piece as demonstrated by the music becoming louder and faster as time went on. Octavia in particular was trying her best to finish with a bang.
"Very talented isn't she?" Fancy Pants said.
"Yes, she is." Tracey agreed.
"A nice girl but sort of too high strung if you know what I mean" Jon commented. "Actually had her on my show once."
"Oh yes I know all about that," Fancy Pants said. "You've interviewed quite a few interesting characters in the past few months...I believe your latest one was with the bulky lad, Iron Will."
"Well, well, well." Jon said. "Sounds like someone's a fan."
"Oh I suppose I must confess, yes I am indeed a devoted follower of your program." He admitted. "Watched it prior to your introduction of the 'Equestrian Interviews.' No matter what project I'm working on I always find time to watch your program...which is why I wouldn't miss tonight for the world."
The two couples stopped talking just in time to see the orchestra lay down their final note. The music escalated to a satisfying climax leaving the guests of the restaurant cheering at a respectable volume.
"Simply marvelous!" Fancy Pants said, looking rather excited.
"Yeah, she still got it." Jon said as he remembered the last time he saw her perform. One by one each of the ponies on stage packed away their instruments and neatly exited the stage on either the left of right.
"Indeed she does." Fancy Pants added. "But now it's time for the main event...isn't that right Jon?"
"I...I beg your pardon?" Jon asked. Before he could get any response Gustave appeared from on high to address the table.
"Now zen monsieur Stewart the stage is cleared and ready to go," he said. "If you would be so kind as to follow me I will escort you to the backstage."
"I'm sorry what?" Jon asked. "Who-- w-wait what are you talking about?"
"Why monsieur we're...ready for you to go on stage." Gustave explained. "You are scheduled to do a, oh how you say...standup comédie for us."
"What!" Jon exclaimed
"Jon honey what's he talking about?" Tracey asked.
"There must be some kind of mistake...I haven't done stand up in years" Jon said now turning his attention to Fancy Pants. "This is some kind of joke right?"
"No, not at all old bean," He said. "The reason I, and a lot of ponies came tonight, was to watch you do a live performance."
Jon was confused he waited a few seconds to see if anyone would own up to this prank. Sadly everyone remained steadfast in their assumptions.
"This...this is crazy," Jon said. "I never agreed to do that!"
"Uh...but monsieur I was told by ze princess that you would," Gustave explained. "Celestia told me that in exchange for having you as a guest tonight we would get the chance to see you perform live for us...she said you had agreed."
"Jon...is this true?" Tracey asked. Jon took a moment to think it over. He never remembered ever saying he would do this. He was about to disagree again when a realization hit him like a falling piano.
"Oooooooh the special favor." Jon said slapping his face. "I told Celestia I'd do anything to get into a restaurant tonight...this must be what she meant."
Jon laughed at how Celestia tricked him into doing this while his wife tried desperately to explain on his behalf.
"Mr. Le Grande there seems to be some kind of miscommunication," she said. "My husband had no idea that you were expecting him to perform...I'm afraid he just can't right now he usually needs weeks of planning beforehand to do a routine."
"Oh I see, I am so sorry once again for the inconvenience," Gustave said. "I'll have to…tell everypony about the cancelled show."
"Oh dear that is a shame," Fancy Pants said who looked visibly saddened by this news. "And I was so looking forward to...'seeing you in action' I guess you could say."
Looking out at the many ponies still in the middle of dinner Jon thought about each and every one of them with disappointing faces. If Celestia was trying to pull another fast one on Jon this was a doozy.
"Now zen you just stay right here monsieur," Gustave said putting a claw on Jon's shoulder which brought him back from his deep thought. "I will take it upon myself to break ze news to zem."
Looking back Jon didn't know whether it was the alcohol in his system, the idea of disappointing his fans, or the thought of letting Celestia getting one up on him, but either way he made his move. Flexing his wings Gustave prepared himself to fly across the room and onto the stage when Jon placed a firm hand on his wing.
"Hold it." Jon said. "...I'll do it."
"Excusez moi?" Gustave said.
"I said I'll do it." Jon reiterated. "I'll do some standup...it won't be much but yeah I'll put on your show!"
"Jon!" Tracey exclaimed. "What are you doing?"
"Just giving the fans what they want." Jon said, finishing off his last drop of wine.
"Wha...I mean...are you sure?" She asked. "I mean it's such short notice and you didn't even prepare."
"Baby don't worry I got this," Jon said. "If I can handle doing a show during a hurricane I think I can handle this."
"...You sure?" She asked again. Jon actually thought about it for a second.
"Absolutely." He answered. "Gustave...show me to the stage please."
"Oh how smashing!" Fancy Pants said, his excited expression accurately juxtaposing Fleur de Lis'. “I just know you’ll do an excellent job!”
Jon scooted out of his booth and onto the ground, he was about to make his was to the side when he quickly leaned back in to address his wife.
"Hey hon before I go." He said leaning across the table exposing his face to her. "How bout a kiss for good luck."
With a happy sigh Tracey leaned in and planted a kiss on Jon's lips and then straightened out his bow-tie.
"Go get him, babe." She said.
Gustave lead Jon to a sectioned off door on the opposite side of the room on their right. Jon entered by himself while Gustave flew on stage to address the crowd. He began to speak but from behind the door Jon couldn't hear what he was saying but he had no doubt it was some kind of introduction.
Usually backrooms in these kinds of restaurants were very low key with remnants of the working class scattered all about but Jon was surprised to see that this backroom was just as pleasant and fancy as the rest of the building.
He walked forward where the stage entrance awaited him. Along the way a few ponies passed him; they were members of the orchestra that just finished playing. Most of if not all of them we're packed up and ready to leave to their next performance or in some cases back home.
Each one of them passed him and as they did he noticed the very last one was Octavia who he hadn't seen in some time. He pondered whether or not he should say anything but in the end he decided on a greeting most deserving for someone like her.
"Octavia." He said with a nod.
"Jon." She said back. She continued to walk in the opposite direction before address Jon again. “Break a hoof.”
Without even a smile or a second glance she walked off too do her business. Jon laughed and soon found his way to the main entrance to the stage where Gustave was finishing off his introduction speech.
"And now," he said. "Without further ado it is my pleasure to present the guest of the evening...monsieur Jonathan Stewart!"
Episode 13: Fancy Pants on the Daily Show
Wasn't prepared for this.
The crowd cheered and applauded as Jon slowly made his way to the center of the stage with a spot light following his every move. To stall for time and set the mood a bit he stopped and pretended to walk forward only to quickly hop backwards, throwing off the pony handling the spot light.
The crowd found his pre-performance antics amusing but at the same time Jon wanted to get this over with. It took him only a few seconds to reach the microphone but to him it felt like an eternity.
His mind was filled with thoughts about what he should or should not say. He'd performed live standup before but in those cases he always knew the layout well enough to structure his routine accordingly...he may have been to Equestria a few times but he had no idea how they would react to some of his jokes.
Taking the microphone off its stand he took a deep breath and was about to say something when he froze for a second. He didn't know what to say, he thought of about a couple dozen jokes that were good for openers but nearly all of them would fall flat for a pony audience. Comedy came naturally to him but this time he was seriously out of his element.
In his career he'd performed his comedy from all walks of life. From the dankly clubs of the lower East side to grand halls of the Presidential correspondence dinner in Washington; but nothing in his life leading up to tonight could have prepared him for this.
The stage the brightly lit which made the audience hard to make out but he could still clearly see the booth that he had left not too long ago. All eyes were on him but the one that Jon cared most about what his wife’s. Looking across the room he saw Tracey give him a smile and thumbs up; it was all he needed to get over his momentary stage fright.
"Hey everyone thanks so much for having here today. As you all know I was given the chance to do a comedy bit for you guys and I can't even began to explain how honored I am for the opportunity." Jon said as he tried his best to look at every pony in the audience by doing a sweep from right to left. "I apologize if this turns out to be a bit short, I didn’t have much time to prepare…but hey It's great to see the faces of such a great looking audience…and for those of you who are sitting behind the giant Celestia looking statue weeeell...better luck next year."
The crowd chuckled at his opener; even those who were unfortunate enough to be seated out of view were able to hear him alright thanks to the design of the building which carried his voice to all corners of the restaurant.
"Although I'll be honest with you folks I'm a little bit nervous right now," Jon admitted. "Not because of all the mythical creatures with other worldly powers flying around...no, no, I got over that months ago...it's because this is my first time performing standup here in Equestria so you'll forgive me if I sound uneasy."
Jon looked forward at countless pairs of eyes glaring at him waiting to see where he was going with this.
"You know back home in the human world we have a saying," he continued. "It goes something along the lines of: 'If you're nervous on stage just imagine the audience naked'...that rule doesn't really apply here in Equestria now does it?"
Again the crowd responded. This time not with a slight chuckle but full on laughter, as Jon made sweepings motions at the elegant interior
"Seriously I mean...half of you guys aren't wearing any clothes at all and I still feel under dressed in this place," he explained. "I guess that's what you get for performing in such a nice restaurant...speaking of nice places...I'm glad I got to do this here...here in the great city of Canterlot. In many ways it reminds me of New York so I do feel at home here."
Jon was never too fond of getting a rise out of the audience by name dropping their city but with such limited material at his disposal he wasn't too picky.
"I mean where else was I going to perform? Ponyville? Not that one horse town." Jon said in a joking tone. To his surprise his somewhat mean spirited comment was met with laughter yet again. "No, no I'm just kidding it's a fine place...of all the times I've been uh, here to Equestria I've visited Ponyville the most."
Now more in the swing of things Jon strolled casually across the stage, dragging with him the length of wire that was connected his microphone.
"Overall I believe I've visited your world a total of five times now...If I make it to ten I believe I get a free sundae." He joked, which got a quick chuckle from the audience. He hated to have to rehash a joke form his show but he was desperate.
"Now…other than today I've only been in Canterlot once and, in the short amount of time I’ve spent here, I’ve already met some real colorful characters." Jon said scratching his nose. "I think my favorite thus far is the esteemed Fancy Pants and his girlfriend Fleur de Lis."
The stage light which hovered over him didn’t find its way to the two poines sitting down since everyone present already knew who they were.
"Now I understand that names in this world are different...hell sometimes I don't know if I'm reading a list of names or someone's grocery list." He continued. "Admittedly we humans aren’t that much better. I mean we're the people who went and named someone 'Bear Grylls.'
Had Jon been blessed with the ability to see into people’s minds he would have seen a lot of imagery of a bear grilling some food from the audience.
"But having said that I just gotta say...Fancy Pants ?" Jon said with some emphasis in his last name. "...You know what no...too easy."
The crowd, many of whom were acquaintances of Fancy Pants, chucked at their friend being hazed by the renowned comic.
"And then there's Fleur de Lis," Jon said quickly seizing everyone's attention including the pony he was about to make fun of. "Geez, and I though having Big Mac on my show would be a bad idea...this woman makes him look like a motor mouth by comparison."
Insult comedy was always gold but since the circle of ponies he knew was not very proportional in terms of whom these Canterlot ponies knew he decided to move on.
"Also for those of you who don't know who I am, my name is Jon Stewart and I run a show on TV called 'The Daily Show,' on Comedy Central" he said. In response he got a quick applause from those who had heard of it, which came from almost everyone present. "But as you can plainly see I don't just do sketches on TV. When I first started off I did standup from place to place trying to get my bearings and I did alright. I remember years ago one of my first big breaks was when I was a finalist in a race to see who would replace David Letterman after he left NBC in 1993. But in the end I lost to Conan O'Brien."
As expected Jon got looks of confusion from the audience. In Equestria only a very select few television programs actually get broadcasted from the human world. Aside from his own the ponies in attendance didn't recognize a single name drop...it was exactly what Jon was hoping for.
"Some people say my losing to Conan has made me bitter over the years but I'm here to tell you that's not the case; I couldn't be more happy for him...but having said that," Jon said, pausing for the some of the ponies to stop giggling. "I'd like to...try something. Now then really quickly could I get a quick show of hooves...who here knows who Conan O'Brien is?
Not a single pony raised their hoof.
"Interesting..." he said. "Now then...who here, prior to my introduction, has ever heard of me?"
Unsurprisingly almost every pony raised their hoof.
"Let's make this easier," he continued. "Has anyone here ever watched an episode of 'Late night,' 'The tonight show,' or a show called, 'Conan?'
As before the only reaction was confused looks, as well as the occasional laughter from ponies who knew where he was going with this experiment.
"Aaaand who here has ever watched an episode of 'The Daily Show?'" He asked, getting expected results.
"Yeah...I thought so." Jon said in a blunt tone. "Suck it O'Brien!"
His little experiment was met with laughter from everyone present to hear it. Experience had taught Jon that having the audience participate was always good for getting them to warm up to you.
Ever since Jon's popularity skyrocketed when he took over 'the Daily Show' he'd gotten the opportunity to speak in front of people who would be deemed as high society. He sometimes hosted awards shows and gotten the chance to go to dinner parties where he'd get to make an after dinner speech, if necessary. In his experience rich people all had the same laugh; effortless and subtle like raising your voice was a social faux pas. The ponies in attendance weren't any different.
"...You know...another reason why it's such an honor to be here tonight is because while it's true I was born in New York I grew up in New Jersey, which isn't exactly known to be a...fancy place." He said walking towards the front of the stage. "But enough about me I'm always interested in hearing about other people's walks of life...you there sir where you from?"
Taking a step forward Jon pointed his microphone towards a grey and black stallion in the front of the audience. He looked all around him before answering on the off chance that Jon was talking with someone else.
"Uh...East Canterlot." He said.
"Oh a home town hero, huh? That's great!" Jon said, turning his attention yet again. "How bout you Miss?"
This time Jon went to his left and motioned to a pink and green Unicorn who was gossiping with her female friends.
"P-ponyville." She said sheepishly.
"Ponyville? You’re a bit far away from home but hey, nice place, nice place." Jon said now taking a few steps to his right. "And you sir where do you hail from?"
Jon now pointed his microphone at a light blue and orange Unicorn sitting with a mare that looked to be much younger than him.
"I'm from Baltimare?" The heavy set pony said.
"Say again?" Jon asked.
"Baltimare!" He reiterated in a louder voice.
"Oh Baltimare!" Jon said in a comforting voice. "I'm so sorry to hear."
The crowd laughed at the Unicorn's expense but he clapped his hooves in good spirits to show no ill will.
"You know I've only been to a small amount of places here in Equestria and almost every time I think I've gotten the same question over and over again: 'Does the human world have any poines?' For those of you wondering here tonight the answer is yes, yes we do…but they don't talk, have wings, or use magic." Jon explained to a now intrigued crowd. "So mute Earthponies...we have mute Earthponies."
The crowd laughed while Jon took a sip of the water that was left on stage for him.
"The opposite is true for my world too. A lot of my friends wonder if there are humans here in Equestria to which I respond 'no' there are not. As a matter a fact I'm the first human ever to set foot...foot not hoof...in your guys' world...and actually as of tonight I'm actually one of two humans ever because this time I actually brought my wife with me! The lovely Tracey McShane. Say 'hi' honey." Jon said as he waved to his wife. The spot light that was previously on him swung over to the center of the restaurant and onto Tracey who nervously waved back. "Yeah that's my wife...so, just to recap: fifth time here, and I brought my mate with me. So I think if we have a kid here that would technically classify me as an invasive species."
The audience didn't see the punch line coming since they thought he was just merely introducing his wife. The results were immense laughter from all who heard it.
"Another question I get from fans from both here and back at home is one I find most interesting...they’ll sometimes ask me: 'If you were to be any type of pony which would you be?'" He said pausing to let the question sink into the heads of the audience. "And to be honest considering everything I think I'd be an Earthpony...not because I'm hard working, physically strong, or dependable...but because I think that’s the kind of bad luck I’d have."
The crowd chuckled once again while Jon tried desperately to explain himself.
"I mean don't get me wrong! I love Earthponies! Some of my best friends are in fact Earthponies but the thing is I have a theory..." He explained. "...I have a theory that goes like this...If you are a Unicorn or a Pegasus you could having the worst day of your life...wife leaves you, bank forecloses on your house, your pet dog runs away, but…you can look in a mirror and say to yourself: 'At least I can fly' or 'at least I can use magic."
As the crowd laughed Jon looked over at Gustave who was watching him from backstage. He looked nervous like Jon might say something that could get him in trouble. Jon felt uneasy as well as he was quickly running out of material and needed to think of a swift but memorable way to end his performance.
"Now then it would seem I'm almost out of time so I should probably wrap things up here...I know, I know, it's a disappointing but I have a busy schedule to keep back in my world." Jon explained. "You see back home we finished an election not too long ago and I get to make fun of the resulting backlash of it all...oh yeah that's right where I come from we elect our leaders."
Jon said making a quick motion to the Celestia statue.
"Yeah our guy is a human called Barack Hussein Obama...and I'm all but certain none of you are aware of odd that sounds...you see in my country of America we had an enemy for the longest time and his name was in fact Saddam Hussein ," he explained while the pony audience looked on with interest. "So as you could imagine when our leader first arrived on the international stage he got some odd reactions regarding his middle name. Lord knows the Equestrian equivalent here would be if your leader was called 'Celes- Discord God of Chaos- Tia.'"
Half the crowd laughed while others looked somewhat nervous at the mention of Celestia’s name. Jon caught on to this and decided to exploit it a bit for his closer.
"Now...now I promised myself that I wouldn't make any Celestia jokes here today. Not just because she’s a good friend of mine but because I want to live to see another day" he continued. "I mean why risk it? I'm one bad joke away from plunging this place into eternal darkness...but...having said that I think I would regret it if I left today without telling at least one joke about my favorite Alicorn who, by the way, is responsible for me doing this tonight."
The crowd looked almost afraid at what Jon was talking about. Both Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis looked over at Stacey who was now slapping her hand against her face as if to say "oh no."
“Now there are so many lovely things about her I can make fun of like how she’s much larger than all of you guys but a fat joke would be too easy.” Jon said, his words flowing from his mouth like a rattle snake. “Then there’s her hair…there’s a gay joke in there somewhere but again…too easy… no, before I go I'd to...tell one last final joke if I may. Not a funny anecdote or witty criticism but just a regular…joke.”
Many of the audience members looked uneasy about what Jon was proposing, but at the same time underneath they’re curiosity allowed him to continue.
"So...an Earthpony diplomat and a Pegasus diplomat are getting the grand tour of Canterlot Castle," Jon said. Upon hearing the set up Tracey poured herself a new glass of wine. "They’re being escorted by a royal guard and along the way the two diplomats see a Unicorn in a room and he’s...oh what's the term you people have over here...OH RIGHT! They catch a Unicorn 'clopping' in a room by himself."
A few ponies in the audience gasped in horror while others did a literal spit take. Before going on he took one last sip of his water. At the exact same time Tracey was doing the same with her glass of wine.
"The two diplomats are outraged and demand to know why such an act is being permitted in the royal Castle...the guard explains that the Unicorn has a medical problem and that if he doesn't clop at least 10 times a day he will die." Jon explained. "The diplomats reluctantly agree and move on with the tour...a few doors down and they see the same thing only this time it's Princess Celestia herself and she's providing oral sex on a stallion."
Not a single pony made a sound. Jon looked ahead at a sea of cultured ponies, every last single one of them looked at Jon with mouths agape. Gustave was still backstage but now he had fainted. Back at Jon's booth his two Unicorn acquaintances had the same look of surprise while Tracey tried her best not to laugh. She'd had heard countless variations of this joke before and she knew exactly how it ended.
"Again the two diplomats demand to know the meaning of this is." Jon said, pausing for dramatic effect. "The royal guard turned to them both and answered by saying, 'Same disability; better health coverage.'"
At first there was no sound which scared Jon but soon like a chain reaction a few ponies began to laugh. It quickly spread for soon the initial shock of hearing the punch line melted away leaving only much amusement in its wake. The entire restaurant found themselves in a state of historical laughter with half of them doing so without shame while the other half tried not to laugh, as if doing so what punishable by law.
"I'll never forget this night for as long as I live!" Jon yelled over the crowd. "Have a wonderful night and drive safely!"
Putting the microphone back on its stand Jon Quickly exited the stage to his left to the sound of countless ponies stomping the ground in applause. While he made his exit he waved back at them feeling good about his performance.
Stepping over Gustave's unconscious body Jon quickly made his way to the back and into the hallway which eventually lead to the center of the restaurant. He just wanted to be with his wife and continue his date.
Had Jon left the stage sooner he might’ve bumped into Octavia who, unbeknownst to Jon, stayed behind to watch him work the stage. But by the time Jon entered the hallway she had already left through the backdoor to go home.
Along the way he noticed that he hadn't spontaneously combusted or gotten turned into a frog so if Celestia was watching he at least knew she could take a joke....but no one, not even Jon himself knew that his raunchy humor was only the beginning of his revenge on Celestia.
Episode 13: Fancy Pants on the Daily Show
The excitement of the restaurant could still be heard as Jon rounded the Celestia statue to rejoin his wife at the special booth. He quickly slid himself back into his seat and was immediately greeted by his wife and Fancy Pants.
Everyone at the table was applauding Jon on his last minute performance. Though it's worth noting that Tracey did so tentatively. She wanted to say so many things to her husband like how his lewd comments could have offended some people or how he may have gone too far this time, but the new bottle of wine she had delivered to her table not too long ago had rounded out her edges.
She didn't care about the potential consequences of what had happened, all she wanted to do was enjoy the rest of the evening and give Jon a congratulatory peck on the cheek.
Fancy Pants on the other hand was still reeling with delight from getting the chance to see Jon perform his comedy in person.
"Bravo Jonathan, bravo!" Fancy Pants said, clapping his hooves enthusiastically. "Jolly good show if I do say so myself. Of all the live performances I’ve seen seen in this restaurant yours was undoubtedly the best!"
"Glad you liked it," Jon said, his attention now on the bottle of wine near his wife. "Another bottle? I'll take that!" Jon quickly poured himself a tall helping whereupon he quickly consumed it to steady his nerves. He repeated this process again as he was still shaking of the high that he got after a performance.
"Liked it? I loved it!" Fancy Pants continued. "I propose another toast! To Jon! On a job well done!"
He quickly poured four sets of wine glasses and used his magic to distribute them to his four friends.
"To my husband!" Tracey said lifting her new glass in the air. "Someday his big mouth is going to get us both in trouble." All parties agreed and took a sip
"I'll be honest Fancy Pants I'm surprised you’re not all bent out of shape about...all that." Jon said motioning to the stage. "Don't you rich types find that style of comedy to be...uncouth?"
Something about the way he asked his question made Fancy Pants laugh as he was trying to take another sip of his wine.
"Well Jonathan...I'll admit it was a bit...spirited than what I'm used it but formalities be damned it wasn't a joy to behold!" He said with much vigor. "I'm surrounded by boorish ponies all day long...it's nice to unwind every now and again."
"Well Fancy Pants I just hope it was as good for you as it was for me." Jon joked. He then took another sip of his wine which he almost choked on when Tracey playfully jabbed in the stomach.
"Oh indeed it was!" Fancy Pants said. "You know, I've asked Celestia many times to let me travel to New York so I could watch you do your show but she has always denied my request." This news surprised Jon somewhat, he got the idea that he was a fan but he didn't know it was to this degree.
"No kidding?" Jon asked.
"Oh no I'm quite serious...the joking I leave to you." He said. "I've always wanted to see you do your show in person...seeing you here tonight is the next best thing."
Jon took a long sip of his wine and contemplated how much this night must have meant to him. He'd been to high class social gatherings before and he'd never liked the type of people who attended it, but Fancy Pants was different...Jon found him rather endearing. It was then that Jon got an idea and this time it was definitely the alcohol talking when he made his proposal.
"You know what Fancy Pants...I like you! So you know what I'm going to do?" Jon asked before quickly continuing. "I'm going talk to Celestia and I'll make sure you get the best seat in the house at Daily Show headquarters during the next taping!"
This sudden declaration caused the Fancy Unicorn to almost knock over his glass of wine when he shifted in his seat.
"You're going to let me watch you live!? He asked, his eyes filled with joy.
"Even better," Jon said. "Fancy Pants, I'm going to have you on my show as my guest for an interview...and I won't take no for an answer!"
The cultured Unicorn now found himself at a loss for words. He tried to speak but he momentarily forgot how.
"I...wha-- Jonathan are...are you positive!?" He asked. "Surly there must be other ponies more deserving than I."
"Tell you what...you call me 'Jonathan' one more time and the deal's off." He said with a smile.
"In...in that case," Fancy Pants said, stopping to collect himself. "I humbly accept your offer and cannot thank you enough...Jon."
There was a moment of silence which was eventually broken by Tracey.
"Alright, alright enough of that," she said in a joking tone. Leaning over she grabbed the bottle of wine and opened it with the cork provided with an audible pop. "You two can bromance later...right now the night's still young."
"Agreed!" Fancy Pants said. "But before we go any further I'd like to show you two my gratitude." And Fancy Pants did just that by waving his hoof to get the attention of Gustave Le Grand who had recovered from his fainting incident was doing his usual rounds throughout the restaurant.
"Gustave! I say Gustave could you come here for a second?" He called out. Seeing this he quickly flew over a few guests and landed perfectly in front of them.
"Oui oui monsieur pantalons?" He said, his head still a bit dizzy from his little episode. "Is zer something I can do for you?"
"Gustave old boy I'd like to pay for my friend's dinner tonight," Fancy Pants said. "Not only did Jon here put on a capitol performance but he had also invited me onto his show. These two lovely humans have shown nothing but kindness towards us all night...I simply must repay them in some way."
"Oh Fancy you don't have to do that!" Tracey said.
"Oh but I must!" Fancy Pants said. "I cannot allow your husband’s kindness to go unrewarded...please I insist!"
"Hey...free food." Jon said with a shrug before downing the remainder of his drink.
"Oh monsieur! You are too kind to a man as…vulgar as monsieur Stewart" Gustave said. "But that will not be necessary...his meal has already been taken care of."
"By who?" Jon asked.
"Why who else? Ze Princess herself of course." Gustave answered. "For you see Celestia instructed me that your bill should be sent to her toot sweet at the end of the night."
"Oh well that was very nice of her." Tracey commented.
"Though it does make sense, I doubt human currency carry much weight here in Equestria." Fancy Pants said.
"Honey, wasn't that nice of her?" Tracey asked Jon who didn't answer back. Instead his eyes were closed as he was in deep thought. For a second Tracey thought her husband had fallen asleep from all the alcohol till he opened his eyes again to address the French Griffon.
"So Gustave...are you telling me the Princess left her tab open to me?" Jon asked.
"Oui oui Stewart zis is correct." Gustave answered. Again Jon found himself eyes closed and deep in thought but it didn't last long for soon a devilish smile found its way onto his face and he began to laugh to himself.
"Honey, are you alright?" Tracey asked.
"Indeed Jon you seem...disturbed." Fancy Pants added.
"No, no, FP I'm just fine," Jon said. "In fact I'm so good I'm going to pay for your meal tonight!"
Before he could object Jon swung around to address his wife.
"Hey honey you hear that? Gustave said the meals on Celestia," Jon said. "I don't know about you but I'm starting to feel a second wind coming on." Tracey's confused expression quickly changed to that of understanding.
"Hey Gustave!" Jon said. "Put Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis' meal on us and bring us another bottle of wine, NO...make it two!"
"Oh uh...of course monsieur of, course...very good." He said as he wrote down their order. "Will zer be anything else you désir."
"Oh you have no idea," Jon said, "But before I go any further...I…I would like to make a special request."
Tracey had an idea of what he was up to but Fancy Pants and his mate were confused as to what he was planning.
"Just name it and I, Gustave Le Grand, will do my best to accommodate!" He said.
"Great...you know that black coated photographer who hangs around your restaurant?" Jon asked.
"Ugh yes...monsieur Shutter Speed." Gustave said, pronouncing his name in the same way one would describe a tapeworm. "I have had...the pleasure of dealing with him from time to time."
"Great!" Jon exclaimed. "I would like to talk with him...could you please show him in?"
Gustave looked beyond surprised by Jon's unorthodox request. He was about to challenge his request but decided to swallow his pride and do as he was asked.
"Of...of course monsieur," Gustave said in a tone of fake enthusiasm. "I will fetch him immediately."
With a quick flex of his wings he took off to the entrance of the restaurant leaving the two couples alone once more.
"Jon...what exactly are you up to?" Fancy Pants asked.
"You'll see." He answered, taking a sip of his wine.
It took about five minutes for Gustave to return with Shutter Speed flying close behind. Jon saw him coming a mile away since the white interior of the building made the dark colored Pegasus stand out even more. Soon the two of them flew in front of the booth where Jon was eagerly waiting.
"Ahem...monsieur Shutter Speed." Gustave introduced in an uncaring tone.
"Daaang this place is grasshoppa!" He yelled. "Hey Mr. S! Loooong time no see! Thanks for letting me in! I ain't never been inside this place before…how’s the grub?"
Now that he was in a much brighter area Jon noticed some things about Shutter Speed that he didn't notice before. Like how his scarf seemed tattered and beat up like he'd never taken it off a day in his life. That wasn't the only thing that seemed aged either. His eyes looked sunken and glazed like he never slept which made him look older.
But the most surprising feature of all was his tail, or rather his lack of one. Even from his angle Jon could now see that Shutter Speed didn't have anything where he tail should be; not even a stub. On any other day he might've asked as to why that was but at the moment he needed to talk business.
"Thank you very much, I'll take it from here." Jon said to the unimpressed griffon.
"Yeah Gusty you can go now," Shutter Speed said before giving him a hardly slap on the back. "Don't worry I promise I won't break anything."
"Yes; quite." Gustave said.
“Oh hey! Before you go!” Shutter Speed said. “Mind if I got the number of that hotty working the front? I think she digs me!”
Ignoring him Gustave walked away. Jon waited for the sound of him flying before talking to his photographer friend.
"Shutter Speed I need a favor from you." Jon said.
"Name it!" Shutter said. Before Jon could continue Tracey cleared her throat to get his attention.
"Oh right...uh before we go on I'd like you to meet my friends: Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis." Jon said.
"A pleasure to make your acquaintance Mr. Speed." Fancy Pants said. As expected Fleur de Lis didn't say anything but instead laid her long neck against Fancy Pant's shoulders. Shutter Speed didn't give him a formal handshake but instead yanked him forward for a hug liked he'd known him for years.
"Fancy is right! You look like the kind of pony who talks using five dollar words." Shutter Speed joked. Looking over his eyes eventually found Fleur de lis. He gave her a wink and offered to shake her hoof too but she wasn’t interested. Getting the hint he gave up and went back over to Jon. "So about that favor?"
"Yes, I need you to take a picture." Jon continued. Shutter Speed waited to see if there was anything else he wanted to add. When Jon said nothing he commented.
"That's it?" He asked. "Just a picture."
"Yes but not just any picture," Jon explained. "This one is for posterity and it’ll be sent to a dear friend of mine."
"Who?" Shutter Speed asked.
"Well...ok to understand why I'm doing this I need to tell you my plan." He said, motioning for him to come in closer. Jon began to whisper something into the photographer's ear which caused his continued smile to grow even wider the more he listened.
"Understand?" Jon asked.
"Oh ho, ho, Mr. S yous is one sly beast!" Shutter Speed said.
"So you'll do it?" He asked.
"Mr. S...for you, anything." Shutter Speed said. "This is going to be totally grasshoppa!"
After getting the ok Jon slide out of his booth and made his way to the stage.
"I'll be right back!" He called out to his wife. Without even asking Jon threw himself back on stage where he quickly grabbed the microphone he had used not ten minutes ago.
"Hello? Everyone could I please have your attention!?" Jon said to the crowd. The sound of conversations and silverware on fine plates halted and soon all eyes were on him.
"Yes, hello me again...listen I just wanted to thank you all once more for letting me perform for you all this night." Jon said. "It was an experience that I will truly never forget...now I know you all probably want to get back to your meals so I'll make this quick...I have an announcement to make!"
**Later that night:
---**
The duties of a Princess can be annoying at times. They can spring up at any moment, and no matter what the situation it always demands your immediate attention. Celestia was brooding on this very thought in her private bedroom as she signed away paper after paper.
Earlier that night she got to meet Tracey McShane for the very first time but was unable to talk for very long. Her original plan was to escort them personally to the Alimentaire Cheval and perhaps even join them for a brief time but at the last second she was called away to take care of some important business. For the rest of the night her only company would be a castle servant, some documents that needed her hoof signature, and the occasional cup of tea.
She wondered if it was perhaps too mean of a prank to not tell Jon that she had signed him up to perform but deep down she knew he would do alright. She did regret missing the chance to see him on stage but at the same time she knew she'd hear about it soon enough from the grapevines.
"Princess?" A muffled voice called out. "May I enter?"
Celestia looked up from a contract she was reading to see her loyal mare-servant awkwardly trying to balance a tea set on her back while keeping some letters and a package in her mouth. She was a young Eathpony with a light brown body and and a bright green mane. She wore thick glasses that covered almost half of her face and her mane and tail were always messy.
"Dear Garnet, do come in." Celestia said in her usual calm tone. "Remember you needn't ask permission to enter I trust you entirety."
The unbalanced pony entered swaying back and forth to balance the tea set. At about halfway through Celestia assisted by using her magic to snag the drinks from off her back, placing it nicely in front of herself.
"Uh...t-thanks!" Garnet said with a blush.
"You're very welcome," Celestia said. "...Is there something you wish to give me?"
Looking confused at first Garnet quickly realized that she was still holding the princess' mail in her mouth.
"Oh sorry!" She said. She quickly trotted up to her royal boss and placed a letter and a white box tied with black string in front of her. "This came for you...f-from Canterlot city."
Taking the letter first Celestia immediately recognized the seal on the letter being from the restaurant she had ordered to accommodate Jon.
"Ah this must be Jon's bill," Celestia said out loud. "Thank you, Garnet. That will be all for now."
"O-of course your Majesty!" Garnet said bowing down so low her glasses almost fell off. "If you need anything else I'll be outside."
With that Garnet turned and made her way to the door while Celestia multitasked by breaking the seal of the letter and using her magic to lift a new cup of tea gently to her mouth.
The second the tea flowed onto her tongue and down her throat she began to violently cough and convulse like she'd be kicked in the stomach. A very surprised and frightened Garnet turned around to see her Princess gasping for breath.
"PRINCESS! Are you alright!?" She called out. In a panic she ran up and saw that the tea she had delivered to her was now spilled in all directions. "Oh...oh no..."
Not knowing what to do at first she stood there watching as Celestia struggled to breathe. She then turned to and ran for the door yelling as loudly as she could.
"Somepony help!" She yelled. "The Princess has been poisoned!" She almost made it to the door when an unknown force stopped her from going any further. Looking back she realized what it was, Celestia had used her magic to stop her in her tracks.
"Wait...Garnet, s-stop." Celestia said, still coughing up her drink. "I'm...I'm fine this isn't...poison."
Rushing back to the side of her Princess, Garnet gently began patting Celestia's back to help her along.
"A-are you sure!?" She asked, getting a nod in return. Garnet now realized she was touching the Princess without permission and recoiled her hoof accordingly. She took a step back and watched as Celestia regained her regal composure. "Then...then what's the matter?"
Using her magic Celestia levitated the letter she had previously opened and showed it to her worried servant. Garnet carefully inspected it and her legs nearly gave out in the process. The letter in question was as Celestia suspected, a bill for Jon and Tracey's meal at the Alimentaire Cheval. That part wasn't what caused Celestia to nearly drown in her own tea, it was the total amounted owed.
"Total: 872,659 bits"
No one said anything. Celestia just starred the massive bill in front of her, confused as she was horrified. In truth this much bits meant nothing to her. Compared to the overall funds she had at her disposal this was barely a drop in the ocean but nevertheless she was still left wondering.
"How?" Celestia thought to herself. "How could those two have produced such a massive check?"
Celestia shook her head and convinced herself that this was nothing more than some kind of clerical error on the restaurant's part. To confirm her suspicions she let the letter unfurl itself to see what they had ordered. And like a boomerang her disbelief came right back when she saw the bill fall to the floor. She sifted through section after section of the invoice which was twice as long as her own body.
She carefully read each entry of the long paper which detailed all that they had ordered.
"320 servings of Cobb salad."
"487 servings of Manhattan style pasta"
"743 servings of celery sticks"
"893 servings of spinach dip."
"912 servings of Chili bowls."
"1689 bowls of tomato soup."
"3980 glasses of deluxe Canterlot wine."
The list went on and on with seemingly no end to it. For the briefest of moments Celestia entertained the thought that perhaps Jon and Tracey did consume this much, she quickly dismissed the idea soon after. She wasn't an expert on humans but she knew that it was impossible for them to consume this much food, no creature could.
As she sat there trying to understand all this her assistant chimed in.
"Um...it also came with this." She said offering Celestia a white box with another note tied to it. Quickly she took the letter and used her magic to open it. It was a letter addressed to her...from Jon.
The letter read:
Dear Princess Celestia:
Today I've learned the importance of helping others and sharing. So to that end I have taking it upon myself to pay for everyone's meal at the restaurant. And since you so graciously decided to pay for my meal tonight, the bill has been sent to you. So from all us here at the Alimentaire Cheval, we thank you for your generosity!
-Your faithful human, Jon Stewart
Celestia couldn't help but laugh at herself. She knew better than to try and match comical wits with Jon and yet she tried anyway; brought down by her own hubris. She looked back at the letter to reread it when she noticed that there was a clause at the very end she hadn't noticed before.
PS: Look in the box; we saved you a piece.
For a second Celestia wondered what box the note was referring to but she quickly remembered that package that came along with it. She looked passed the note at a small white paper pox before her which had the same seal on it as the note that contained the massive bill. To her embarrassment there were some tea stains on it from her coughing fit.
When she opened it she saw two things: A piece of chocolate cake encased in a plastic container and a picture resting on top of it.
The picture was of the Alimentaire Cheval's interior with a large number of ponies in the background including that gaudy statue of herself that Celestia never liked. In the foreground were Jon and Tracey, hand in hand waving at the camera, each of them holding a very expensive glass of wine as if to taunt her. They looked happy and so did every pony in the picture.
Celestia's eyes wandered over to the delicious looking slice of cake. It was her favorite; chocolate cheesecake. Placing the picture face down on the ground she took a deep sigh and made plans to eat her cake of defeat.
It was at this point however that she noticed the picture had some writing on the back. It was quick note followed by Jon's signature. She read it to herself and promptly gave a spirited laugh.
"Leaving an open tab to a Jew from New Jersey...are you mad?" -Jon Stewart.
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Episode 13: Fancy Pants on the Daily Show
Interview: Please welcome to the show Fancy Pants
The Daily Show Interview transcript archive:
Series: Equestrian interviews
Interviewer: Jon Stewart
Guest: Fancy Pants
Date: ???
Location: Daily Show headquarters
733 11th Avenue Manhattan, NY 10019
THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
Whenever Jon takes a drip to Equestria, for business or otherwise, he always found himself having a new appreciation for someone. The last time he went to Canterlot it was to get Octavia on his show and he soon found himself humbled by Earthponies in the music industry which, from what he understood, was a mostly Unicorn dominated field.
This time around Jon's dinner date in Equestria gave him a far better appreciation for the new member of the family, Trixie. Not because she was the one who suggested they get the princess to set them up for a night on the town, though that certainly was a factor. No, this time around Jon found himself forever thankful for Trixie's presence because she helped him get over his massive hangover. A hangover so large that he almost considered having her run the house for the entire day while he and Tracey called in sick.
Considering that Jon was about two or three decades older that he should have been to be consuming the amount of alcohol that was given to him that night, it's not difficult to see why he had a hard time getting up that morning. He and Tracey awoke feelings like someone and jammed a corkscrew into the side of their heads and wouldn't stop turning it. An apt feeling since Jon used an actual more times that night than ever before when he opened bottle after bottle of free wine; all on Celestia's royal tab.
Thankfully it was around this time that Trixie discovered the two delirious adults half passed in their beds, they’re clothes mangled or discarded, and bottles of free wine scattered everywhere. She revealed that she knew a healing spell or two that could cure the bothersome aftereffects that was their big date night. And, after a quick flick of her horn, she did just that. Thought it would have taken a much stronger healing spell to help Trixie’s back which almost snapped in half when Jon gave her a thankful hug for her services.
With a head now free of fog and a body refreshed from a long nights rest Jon was ready to continue his week vacation. And, after a few days passed from then, he was also ready for his interview with his new friend, Fancy Pants.
--
The Show that day went very well. Throughout the first two segments Jon worried that the dreary interior of the backstage waiting room would be not up to standards for the pristine Unicorn. But as his staff assured him later that day he was an absolute gentleman who wanted nothing more than for time to accelerate so he could finally get a chance to talk with Jon one on one…and maybe a cup of tea.
As the camera panned over to the center of the stage it zoomed in on Jon Stewart who was busily flipping in his pen in his hand, occasionally flicking in the air and catching before it landed on the table. The audience had barely begun to lower their volume when Jon officially began the third segment of the show.
"Welcome back...to the Daily show! My guest tonight!" Jon yelled over the audience. "He is a businesspony from Equestria who is widely regarded as 'The most important pony in Canterlot.'" He paused to give the boys in the back time to play the clip made available to them from Celestia.
Youtube Video
"Fucking tourists." Jon said, shaking his head back and forth. "Please welcome to the show, Fancy Pants!"
The music that accompanies most guests began to play which to the audience was the first sign to make as much noise and humanly possible. The second sign came in the form of Fancy Pants making his way onto the stage, waving spiritedly at the audience as he made his way to Jon.
He still wore roughly the same attire as he did the night before which by Canterlot standards was considering pretty casual, but to those watching he looked as if he was getting ready to accept an award. In addition he also had a little satchel which was made from only the finest material to match his outfit. Jon met him just as he was about to sit down and shook his hoof. The two of them waved at the audience in unison as if they had done so many times and took their respective seats.
"Welcome to the Daily Show, Fancy Pants." Jon said as he sat down. "And may I say...you look great." Using his magic the blue haired unicorn placed his bag onto the desk and brought his mug of water within arm’s reach.
"Oh why thank you, dear sir," Fancy Pants said. "By the way here, I brought you something." His horn glowed a faint blue aura as he carefully removed a bottle of wine from his bag and onto the table, prompting some audience members to cheer him on.
"It's the same brand as we had last night." He added. "You seemed quite fond of it so I got you another one from my private cellar...good year too, it's almost as old as you." The revelation that Jon had been out drinking coupled with Fancy Pant's unintentional jest of Jon's age made the audience laugh.
"Oh well uh, thank you very much." Jon said taking the bottle and placing it under his desk, as he thought about how much he did not want to touch another drop of alcohol again, less he had a repeat of his headache from that night.
"Now, uh…n-now then before we go any further…I just to make one thing perfectly clear...your name is Fancy Pants
"Yes, yes I am quite aware," Fancy Pants said. He briefly looked behind him at his exposed bottom half then back at Jon. "Trust me I've heard it all before."
"Oh, I don't think you have." Jon said as he adjusted his tie and played with his pages of notes. "Now...now they call you 'the most important pony in Canterlot'...con-considering that Celestia also lives in Canterlot I mean...why is that? Who--what did you do to get top billing over, oh I don't know, your ruler and god of your world!?"
Before answering Fancy Pants took a deep sigh and used his magic to clear the desk of his bag.
"Oh I do so detest that title," Fancy Pants said. "It was given to me mostly because of my lineage...you see I come from a long line of ponies dating all the way back to the founding of Canterlot."
"Oh I see," Jon said as he scooted closer to his guest. "So your family is uh, well respected in the…Canterlot community?"
"Oh yes, quite right, quite right. You see my great grandfather help establish some of the major boroughs and sections of the city." Fancy Pants explained. "And his father started off poor but supported his family by working hard as a door to door salesman in the area."
The story of Fancy Pant’s family was very intriguing to Jon. However one part of his explanation seemed a bit off.
"W-w-wait…I thought you said his son helped establish Canterlot?" Jon asked.
"Indeed he did," Fancy Pants assured him. "Before that Canterlot was barely a colony."
"Well if that's the case what good would a door to door salesman be if...if there wasn't even a town let alone doors?" Jon asked.
"I said he was 'hardworking,'" Fancy Pants chuckled. "I never said he was smart." This caused Jon to laugh so hard he almost had knocked over his mug of water when he flailed his arm across the table to hold himself up. The audience followed Jon in a laugh of their own while Fancy Pants took a sip of his own water.
"So...so what uh, so what kinds of things do-- did he sell?" Jon asked. "Bonus points if it turns out he was a second hand pants salesman."
"Well to be honest as a traveling salesman he sold a great many things. What you need to understand is this was very early on in the development of territory in that region. So a lot of things were scarce." Fancy Pants answered. "Generally speaking he sold whatever ponies needed most at the time. But from what I gathered he and later on his son made their name as pot dealers."
Jon didn't say anything at this point, though he did look very surprised. He instead remained silent and let his audience fill the void of silence by faithfully cheering at the mere mention of marijuana.
"I'm sorry but...pot dealer?" Jon asked with a straight if a bit confused face.
"Why yes of course, Jon." Fancy Pants reassured him. He picked up on Jon's confusion and decided to further explain. "You see Jon...my great, great, Grandfather found that no matter who you are or what you do you'll eventually need to do some cooking...in his travels he sold many varieties of pots. He sold them to kitchens, households, and even gave a deluxe bundle to Princess Celestia who at the time didn't have a royal cooking set."
The crowd continued to laugh as Jon nodded his head in understanding.
"Oh I see," Jon said rubbing his brow. "He uh, he sold pots and pans...like for cooking soup."
"Well of course he did, dear boy." Fancy Pants said. "Why...what did you think I meant?"
Again Jon opted to not answer but instead slowly turn his head over the audience who laughed at the bewilderment of the guest, who would remain unaware of his ignorance for quite some time.
"Um...what about your family?" Fancy Pants asked to fill the awkward silence. "Were they also in the entrainment industry? Or did they make their living doing something else?"
"Well...I think my great grandfather, on my mother's side, was responsible for relocating the family to America at the turn of the century." Jon said. "As for my father...well my father's side of the family is completely Jewish so for a brief chunk of time we don't really like remember our own history."
The audience chuckled at Jon facetiousness but without proper context on Fancy Pant's part he was left still very confused as to what he was referencing.
"Ok so…we know your grandfather and his old man sold...pot," Jon summarized to get things back on his guest. "But tell me Fancy Pants what...what, what, do you do? Where-- how did you continue your family’s legacy?"
"Well it's not just me Jon...each child born under the Pants family is tasked with making a name for him or herself. For example my brother Spiffy Pants is doing quite well up north as a film director," Fancy Pants answered. "As for me I guess you can call me a pony of industry."
"Alright and what exactly do you produce?" Jon asked. "Again bonus points if it's some kind of pants like entity."
"Well to understand what I do for a living you should know that when I was told I had to go out into Equestria and start my own business I didn't know what direction I wanted to go in," Fancy Pants explained as he used his magic to rub his monocle against his collar. "I eventually looked at what my great, great Grandfather did and decided to follow his business model."
"So you...you sell whatever it is that people need?" Jon asked.
"Actually interesting fact about me," Fancy Pants said as he grabbed his mug of water in preparation. "I've actually never created, sold, or distributed a single thing in my entire life."
As he took a sip of his water the crowd chuckled at the curious look on Jon's face.
"I'm a bit confused." Jon said bluntly "What...uh, that is what exactly do you do?"
"It's quite simple really. I run a company that specializes in...well running other companies." Fancy Pants said. "You see my organization, Fancy Pants Corp, goes around buying small businesses and gives them a safe and effective environment to work in, thus utilizing them to their full potential.”
After his brief explanation Fancy Pants saw an unconvinced look on Jon's face. It was the same look he'd seen from countless others when he revealed what he did for a living, including his own father when he first proposed the idea many years ago. On the surface it sounded as if Fancy Pants was a capitalist pony who went around buying out small businesses to cut the competition but in practice what he did was much more wholesome.
"Allow me to give an example if I may...I remember there was once a major conglomerate up north called Lava Corp, that specialized in manufacturing spare parts for trains and railways. The standard wheels, bumpers, and the like," Fancy Pants explained. "Now then...one of their subsidiaries was a small company that produced wheels and nothing else. Their sales were so low however that Lava threatened to terminate their entire contract and leave them without jobs. Unfortunately their sales remained subpar and as a result their entire staff got laid off."
"I'm assuming this is where you came in?" Jon asked as he leaned back as if to observe him.
"That's correct. After their contract was terminated I confronted the company manager so see if they would want to work for me. As it turned out the reason they didn't do so well was because the Lava Corporation’s work environment was abysmal. They constantly made employees work overtime with little to no inventive and basically forced them to cut corners to make unreasonable deadlines." Fancy Pants explained while trying not to get too riled up. "The crowning moment of Lava's ineptitude was when they refused to order an expensive type of metal that would have almost guaranteed that the wheels would perform better in cold environments. The head foreman in charge refused to make wheels that weren't safe and that was when they all got fired...fast forward to today and that same small tire business now works for me at Fancy Pants Corp, producing tires that have been voted most trusted brand in all of Equestria six years in a row now."
Both Jon and Fancy Pants remained silent as the audience cheered and hollered at idea of a corporation treating their workers with respect.
"Wow...th-that's very impressive." Jon commented. "And what about the other subsets of your company? Do they do just as well?"
"Oh indeed they do, Jon," Fancy Pants answered. "In fact not only are 62% of companies who work under me the top of their field, but as based on last years adjusted earnings statistics each of my subsidiaries have turned a profit."
"I’m not a business man but I must that’s very impressive!" Jon said. "Is there anything you can't do?" Instead of dismissing his question Fancy Pants actually put some thought into an appropriate answer.
"...I can't play golf." He said in a blunt tone that made Jon laugh. "Honestly I'm just awful at the sport."
"Well...that aside...It really seems you really care about everyone who works for you." Jon commented.
"Well yes of course! You see that in a nutshell is my business model. I find ponies who are trying to start a business and nurture them so they can succeed. If you have a great idea for a product then come work for me and I guarantee you'll be put in a safe and productive work environment where the exchange of ideas is encouraged and the product is not put above the employee." Fancy Pants continued. "My company is the leader in benefits, work safety, and the creations of jobs...and not just in Canterlot mind you."
"Oh so you uh...you, you, you also have people working for you in Ponyville and Cloudsdale?" Jon asked.
"Oh my yes, but I've also expanded my reach far beyond that region." Fancy Pants said. "I have imports and exports all over Equestria from Yanhoover to Baltimare...why just recently I received a rather exquisite shipment of tapestry all the way from Saddle Arabia."
Even though Fancy Pant's claims were very impressive, from a business point of view, he couldn't understand why the audience was now laughing at him and why Jon was rubbing his hand across his face.
"Ok...I've accepted a lot of things going into this gig," Jon said in a tired tone of voice. "I've accepted that there's a place called Las Pegasus, I've accepted there's a place called Manehattan. I've even accepted that there is a town called Pony ville...but Saddle Arabia...are you fucking kidding me?"
Fancy Pants didn't answer. Mostly it was because he had no idea what the problem was but also because the crowd's laughter made any explanation at this point too late to dwell on.
"Oh...well anyway going back to your story...uh I mean your company...I must say our business model is a very admirable one." Jon said.
"Yes well…it's my philosophy that a company only does well when you treat it not as a company but as a family," Fancy Pants said. "Although I give full creative control and the final say to the companies I purchase I still try to micromanage as much as possible so I can get to know all the workers employed under me. There hasn't been a single pony working at Fancy Pants Crop that I haven't shaken hooves with at least once."
"Wow. You're like...Bizarro Mitt Romney." Jon said. "You know I'm just going to flat out say it...y-you're not like most rich people."
"Thank you?" Fancy Pants said with a nervous laugh.
"No, no I'm serious! In my line of work I've seen my share of corporate fat cats and...well let me tell ya it's pretty damn hard to find a rich person in this town who doesn't look and act like a Bond villain.” Jon assured him. “So having said that I’m going to tell you this...if you ever...replace your monocle with a uh...uh, uh, with an eye patch and start petting a cat in a swivel chair with a backdrop of the world map I'll take back all those nice things I said about you."
"Well…I'll admit that sometimes we Canterlot folk don't always seem like the most inviting group of ponies and for that I apologize," Fancy Pants said. "But I assure you that deep down all of us only want what's best for others."
"See, right there! That's what I'm talking about! You not only admit that there...that, that sometimes people who live beyond their means are sometimes out of touch but you also apologize for that...do you know who would-- what it would take for one of our guys to do that?" Jon asked an embarrassed looking Fancy Pants. "Because I'll be honest when I first discovered that you were a captain of industry I was surprised to find that your cutie mark wasn’t something like...uh, like a-- you know instead of your three crowns something like three bags with money signs on them or, or something."
Jon's vague description of this alternate cutie mark made Fancy Pants look like he'd seen a friend on the other side of the street.
"Oh no, no, no, no Jon you're thinking of a colleague of mine!" Fancy Pants said. "Yes, good ol' Filthy Rich down in Ponyville...he and his father made quite a name for themselves by cornering the market of zap apple jam."
"Filthy Rich?" Jon said followed by more laughter from the crowd of onlookers. "You know a guy...whose name...is 'Filthy Rich?'"
"Well of course I do. Overall a rather nice chap and a diligent family man…very fit for his age too." Fancy Pants said. "He's actually, if I remember correctly, the richest Earthpony in Equestria. Which is really a great feat when you take into consideration that most wealthy ponies are, like myself, Unicorns. "
"Then what are Earthponies usually known for?" Jon asked.
"Well...Earthponies like everypony else has the capacity to do anything they want and they've proven that time and time again," Fancy Pants explained. "But for the most part a large number Earthpoines are employed for manual labor because of their superior strength. Labor such as working in fields or in industrial factories."
"We have those here in the human world as well. We call them 'Mexicans.'" Jon commented which in turn caused the audience to laugh for a good few seconds. "Now uh...wha-- this friend of yours, 'Filty'...just...seriously? I mean what's his middle name 'Stinkin'?'"
"No, now you’re thinking of his father ," Fancy Pants said. "'Stinkin' Rich…he and my father went to school together."
"Ok! I'm done!" Jon said while throwing his arms in the air. Before Fancy could comment Jon got up from his chair and made a motion like he was about to leave the stage, causing both his guest and the audience to laugh and make arm motions as if to coax him into staying.
Eventually Jon did sit back down, and as he did a new topic popped into his head.
"Alright let me ask you this...aside from better, uh w-work environments how else do you use your wealth and influence to better the...the pony community?" Jon asked while making gestures with his hand across the table. When Fancy didn't answer right away he continued with an explanation. "I mean when do you...have you ever done any kinds of charity work or something to that effect?"
“Ah…well yes, yes I do. As a matter of fact I’m putting together a show soon where all the proceeds go to charity.” Fancy explained.
“What kind of show?” Jon asked.
“Well!” Fancy said preparing himself like he was about to give a speech. “I’m putting together a--”
“Because I have an idea or two…’World’s Strongest millionaire!’” Jon interrupted. “Think about it! You and a bunch of other rich ponies get into a steel cage and fight to the death. We can even put you in a singlet, throw some war paint on ya, and give you a ring name like the…’The Canterlot Crusher!’”
While the crowd laughed Fancy Pants did his best to not try to visualize anything Jon had described to him.
“As I was saying…I’m putting together a lovely show for charity, a ballet as it were.” Fancy continued. “With my beautiful partner Fleur de lis as the star.’
“Oh I didn’t know she was an entertainer.” Jon said.
“That’s actually how we met.” Fancy added. “She’s a world class gymnast and dancer…we met once during another charity event quite similar to the one I have planned.”
Usually Jon would have worked this topic more but since he didn’t find his girlfriend that interesting he decided to keep things on his previous topic; giving their small amount of time left.
“Now aside from that does your…I mean do you ever do any other forms of charity through your company?” Jon asked, hoping to see if to expose more about his business practices.
"I do actually. I've lead the charge within my own company to set up a relief fund for cities who come under attack." Fancy Pants explained. "It was an idea that I adopted from a local Ponyville mare by the name of Punch Drunk...it's called the Equestrian relief fund under the Homefront foundation. Basically whenever a major city in the area gets attacked they get fundings, which pulls resources from all my correspondence as well as money from my own estate, to help them rebuild their homes."
Again the crowd cheered at the selflessness of the cultured pony in a neatly pressed suit and bow tie.
"The last time we used the funding to any significant degree was when Canterlot was under attack by the Changlings," Fancy Pants continued. "Our beloved city was covered with green excrements for weeks and a few buildings were damaged."
Jon wanted to ask so many questions, like what are Changlings or why they were invaded but in the interest of time he decided to save that for another day. He instead decided to continue the topic of his relief fund.
"Now you're from Canterlot so you have-- I mean over there you're a well-known figure so it makes sense that you'd pony up, no pun intended, the money needed to help your fellow Unicorns." Jon said trying to sound respectful. "But has this Homefront foundation ever had to use this....uh, this funding for anyone else?"
"Oh well of course Jon. As I said any major city in Equestria is eligible to use our finances when they are in trouble." Fancy Pants answered. "Even towns as close as Ponyville and Cloudsdale have been helped by this funding at one point or another."
"Wait, wait, wait...Ponyville?" Jon asked.
"Of course." Fancy Pants answered.
"So you're telling me...that whenever...whenever Ponyville is invaded you guys front the bill to get them back on their fee--er hooves?" Jon asked.
"If a panel of investors within the foundation deems their requests valid enough to warrant assistant then yes we do," Fancy Pants said. He then shifted the tone of his voice to sound less like he was reading from a contract. "But in the case of our good friends over in Ponyville the answer is 'yes'...whenever they come under attack we help them out."
"How are you not bankrupt right now?" Jon asked causing Fancy Pants to burst out laughing so hard his monocle fell from his face. "Seriously! From what I've heard that place gets invaded like a middle Eastern country with oil." The Joke went over well with the audience but as expected was somewhat lost on Fancy Pants.
"Yes, well...it's actually funny you should mention that because a high ranking official within the foundation actually shared your disbelief," Fancy Pants said making sure not to drop any specific names. "He actually suggested that Ponyville was running some kind of scam since, out of all the cities requesting assistance, they had requisitioned us the most. He believed they were fabricating false claims just to get money or even causing these attacks on purpose...he was so convinced that they were defrauding us that he ordered an investigation to see if they had everything in order."
“Cooking the books, huh?” Jon asked. "Whatever happened the case?"
"It was eventually dropped at my personal request," Fancy Pants answered. "We take grand larceny very seriously but I knew our sister city was being honest with us...granted I did suggest that, although we would happily assist them whenever they needed, they should probably invest in some form of militia."
This caused Jon to laugh more than he had expected. He also dreaded what his wife might say since she already didn't particularity like the idea of him going to Equestria without protection.
"We're almost out of time so before we go I would like...that is to say I want to know a little more about you personally," Jon said. "Like...uh ok we...we know what you do business wise but what are your hobbies...what do you like to do when you're not handing out free money or shaking hooves with constituents."
Instead of answering right away Fancy Pants tilted his head to the side to think for a few seconds about an answer worth talking about. He had one but he was a bit embarrassed.
"This...may not sound very healthy for a colt in my position...but I am rather fond of gambling." Fancy Pants said with an innocent grin. "Don't get me wrong I don't do it professionally or anything to that nature. I just enjoy engaging in the culture on a social level with my close friends and colleagues."
"Any uh, any game in particular you like the most?" Jon asked.
"If I had to pick I'd say the dog races." Fancy Pants answered. "I can't explain it but it's quite invigorating...I even have my own hound that I have somepony take care of and display at the race tracks."
"How different is it when they-- is it different when you're betting on a creature that you can communicate with?” Jon asked. "Are you just like 'Hey dog if you win this race I won't have you fixed.'" As the crowd laughed Fancy Pants just gave the host a look as if he wasn't sure if he was being serious or not.
"Um...Jon," Fancy Pants said, leaning in. "Dogs can't talk." The crowd laughed again but this time squarely at Jon. It was on this day that Jon learned not all animals in Equestria have the gift of speech.
"Oh of course I should have known!" Jon said in a smug, though joking tone. "Now, now you say that you gamble socially with your pals which…I uh…I can, can only assume means they are well off financially like yourself. Am I right?"
"I like to think I have a wide, diverse group of acquaintances but yes a large number of them are wealthy like myself." Fancy Pants answered.
"Now...as a comedian I gotta ask...do you guys ever share upper class jokes with each other?" Jon asked, getting a confused look in return.
"What exactly do you mean?" Fancy Pants said.
"Like well...ok here's one I heard a rich dude say about poor people." Jon said as he made fake gestures like he was stretching. "What do you call two homeless people beating on each other with cardboard boxes...a pillow fight!"
Half the audience laughed while the other half made "aww" noises like they were offended.
"Really?" Jon said to the audience. "That's going over the line?"
"Well...well now that you mention it," Fancy Pants said with a conflicted expression. "I have...heard some of my friends use colorful humor about those who some might consider 'beneath us.'"
"Go ooooon!" Jon said with a grin and raised eyebrows. Before continued Fancy made a face like he was about to back out but after a quick deep breath he continued.
"Ok...why...why does Ponyville have all the Earthpoines and Manehattan have all the sewage centers?" Fancy Pants asked waiting a second before answering his own question. "...Because Manehattan got first pick."
The crowed either laughed or groaned while Jon wrote the joke down on his notes which made Fancy feel somewhat uncomfortable.
"Oh that's a good one." Jon said. "I'll have to remember that for later."
"But it's not like we can't take a joke ourselves!" Fancy Pants assured Jon. "I once heard this joke from an Earthpony back at one of my factories...How many Earthpoines does it take to screw in a light bulb; one, they do it themselves. How many Pegasi does it take to screw in a light bulb; one, they fly up and do it themselves. How many Unicorns does it take to screw in a light bulb--"
"Also one." Jon interrupted. "They use their magic."
"Actually the answer is, zero." Fancy Pants corrected. "They'll hire the Earthpony to do it." The joke was somewhat expected but Jon shared a good laugh with the audience nonetheless.
"You know what Fancy Pants...howsabout you and me head on over to the Alimentaire Cheval, order a bottle of wine or two and just share jokes all night long to help me for when I do standup over there again?" Jon asked as he extended his hand for a friendly shake.
"That sounds absolutely marvelous!" Fancy Pants said as he took the host's hand.
"My man! Thanks again for coming on the show today." Jon said turning to the camera. "Fancy Pants everyone! We'll be right back!"
The crowd cheered and rose to their feet which forced the camera to pan upwards a little higher to get a good shot of Jon and his Unicorn friend. Before going to commercial break Jon leaned in to whisper something into Fancy Pant's ear while he himself awkwardly multitasked by waving at the audience.
Soon the screen filled with The Daily Show logo which quickly disappeared leaving the screen to go black for a few seconds before going to its final commercial break.
