"Why do you look like a—"
She’d been so careful.
They’d been practicing dispelling magic that day in class. Ocellus, being as she was, had made sure to stand well away from her students’ efforts. She would have excused herself entirely that day, if she could have helped it; being there was dangerous, but no one else was equipped to teach the class. Worse, Smoulder had come along to watch. Normally Ocellus would have been comforted having her wife of a few years with her. Today was different.
And of course, when something can go wrong in the School of Friendship, it almost always does.
“Ocellus!?” Ocellus could hear Smoulder’s voice. She couldn’t see her past the cloud of smoke. She couldn’t move, either; having one’s disguise banished forcefully tended to leave one dazed..
She squeezed her eyes shut. It felt inevitable, now, that her little secret—her big, little secret—would be exposed for all to see.
She just wished it hadn’t been Smoulder.
She really wished it had been anyone but Smoulder.
“Ocellus, are you okay!?” Smoulder burst through the smoke and laid eyes on her wife.
“...Ocellus?”
Ocellus squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t want to look.
“Why do you look like—”
Smoulder wasn’t sure what to do.
She was standing outside their bedroom in the Castle of Friendship. Ocellus was inside, and she’d locked the door, and Smoulder was stuck out here. Alone.
She grit her teeth, reached up, and knocked.
“Ocellus? Can I come in?”
“No,” came the muffled response through the door. Well, that was better than silence.
“Can we just talk, then?” Smoulder asked.
“I don’t want to.”
“Well I do,” Smoulder asked. “Aren’t you the one who always says a relationship has to be supported by both ends?”
“...fine.”
Smoulder let out a sigh of relief. Truthfully, she hadn’t been sure she was going to get this far.
“Okay,” she said. “So, um...”
“You want to know why I looked like that after the dispelling spell.”
“...Yeah,” Smoulder said. “You, um... You looked—”
“Just forget it,” she said. “Pretend you didn’t see anything. Please.”
Smoulder scratched the back of her head. That would make things easier, wouldn’t it.
“Look, you know I’m no good at this ‘relationship’ thing,” she said, after a few moments’ consideration. “But I’m pretty sure we shouldn’t just sweep things under the rock like that.”
“Rug.”
Smoulder smiled. Even like this, she was still correcting her. “Dragon, remember? Everything is rocks to us.”
Ocellus snorted.
“Look, you can tell me, okay?” Smoulder continued. “I’m your wife.”
“That’s the problem,” Ocellus said.
Smoulder smacked herself in the face and let out a long sigh. Alright; time to try a new tact.
“So are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Are you a boy?”
On the other side of the door, Ocellus flinched.
Boy.
“No.”
“But you looked like a—”
“I know what I looked like,” Ocellus hissed. “I’m not a boy.”
“Okay.” Smoulder raised her hands into the air, even though no one could see her. “Then why did you... look like that?”
Silence.
“Is that what you really look like?”
“...Yes.”
“Okay,” Smoulder said. Her brain churned for what to say. “You still looked cut—”
“Don’t!” Ocellus shrieked. Smoulder recoiled from the door.
“Don’t... compliment... that...”
“I’m sorry!” Smoulder said, scrambling back over. “I didn’t mean to... do whatever it is you didn’t like. Look, I’m just trying to understand, here, okay? I’m stupid, so explain it to me!”
Silence, for a few moments. Just when Smoulder was starting to get the impression that Ocellus was no longer speaking to her (a fate worse than death), a quiet voice emerged from the other side.
“Back before all the changelings changed, we didn’t have boys and girls, or any genders. You were just... a drone, and that was what you were. Chrysalis was the queen, and I guess she was female, but the rest of us weren’t like that. We kind of... adopted genders. During infiltration drills, they’d have you come up with new pony disguises, and mine were always female, so I guess I always kind of leaned that way.
“Then when Thorax became king, all our bodies changed, and suddenly there were male changelings and female changelings, and everyone was very excited. I mean, everything was different, and new, and...”
Smoulder heard the bedsprings shift from inside the room.
“And I guess whatever magic changed our bodies made a mistake in my case,” Ocellus said, “because my new body was a male one.”
“And at first it was fine,” she continued. “But as things settled down and we started to rebuild our society, things just... slowly... didn’t feel right. And then things started to feel really wrong. A lot of changelings were trying to apply pony norms to our new bodies and that just... didn’t work for me. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own exoskeleton. I hated it. Have you ever felt disconnected from your body?”
“Not really, no,” Smoulder admitted.
“I did,” Ocellus said. “I felt like I was a completely separate being stuck in a body I didn’t want and didn’t ask for. And I couldn’t tell anyone that, or they’d have thought I wanted to go back to the way things used to be, and I didn’t want that! No one would have wanted that.”
“Holy crap.”It was all Smoulder could think to say.
“So one day I became Ocellus,” Ocellus said. “And the other ‘lings thought it was a little weird, some of them teased me about it, but for the most part it was fine.”
“Why didn’t you tell any of us?” Smoulder asked.
“Why would I? I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want anyone to know, especially outside of the hive. I know things are different for species that can’t switch between biological sexes at will. I didn't want to trick anyone, I just... wanted to be a girl. Like you.”
“I wish you’d told me,” Smoulder said.
“I was afraid you’d leave. I know you’re not into guys.”
“I—”
“If you’re going to say something sappy like ‘I love you for who you are’, I don’t want to hear it. You’re always just going with your gut with these things. This—this you need to think through.”
“...Alright.”
Smoulder stepped away from the door, her mind reeling. It was a lot to take in, after all, that your wife was really a guy. Or, no, that wasn’t right; Ocellus was a girl, she’d said as much. ‘Had been a guy once’ was better. It was a lot to take in that your wife had been a guy once.
So Smoulder decided to do something she didn’t normally do a lot of. She decided to sit down and think. With her butt on the cold stone floor and her arms crossed on her knees.
She loved Ocellus. That hadn’t changed. No issues there. Who cared if she’d been a guy once? She was a girl now, and Smoulder thought she was adorable. No, the issue wasn’t that, it was ‘how do I get through to my wife?’
She sat there for a while, alone. Thinking. Not getting anywhere.
“Dragons don’t think,” she mumbled to herself. “Dragons—”
Her eyes widened.
“Dragons act!”
Smoulder leapt to her feet. “Hey, Ocellus?”
“What?”
“You said my problem is that I always go with my gut, right?” She cracked her knuckles. “Well, I think your problem is that you think too much!”
And with that, she dug her claws into the wooden door, splinters flying, and wrenched it off its hinges.
Ocellus laid inside on their bed in a tangle of blankets, slackjawed. Smoulder grinned.
“Smoulder, wha—”
“Do you remember when we were getting tested by the Tree of Harmony when we were students and I told you I liked cute things?”
“I.... yes, but—”
“Look at this!”
Smoulder walked up to the bed, bent over, and pulled a trunk out from underneath.
“Where’d that come from?” Ocellus asked.
“Rarity,” Smoulder said. She flipped the latches on the trunk and pulled it open, revealing its contents.
“...Dresses?”
“Yeah!” Smoulder replied, pulling out the top one (a blue, frilly number). “They’re custom made. It’s hard to get things like this for dragons.”
“You like dresses?” Ocellus asked. “I can’t even picture you wearing a dress!”
“I know, right? Doesn’t fit my image at all.”
“You even wore a suit at our wedding!”
“And I regret that more and more every day,” Smoulder said. She slipped the blue dress over her head and wings. “How do I look?”
“Cute!” Ocellus said, smiling.
“I can do makeup, too.”
“My dragon, wearing makeup? I don’t believe it.”
“It’s the truth!”
“Why did you never tell me about this?” Ocellus asked.
“Because I didn’t want anyone to know. Dresses are girly. Dragons aren’t girly. Dragons are tough, ferocious monsters that burn down villages and eat ponies!” Smoulder illustrated her statement by brandishing her claws and showing her teeth, the menacing intent ruined somewhat by the dress.
“But why are you bringing this up now?” Ocellus asked, the frown returning to her features. “After I...”
“Well, you shared your secret,” Smoulder said. “So I thought I’d share mine. Now, we’re even. And, uh...”
She tapped two claws together.
“I know it’s not the same,” she said, “but I thought maybe I could relate a bit to you?”
Ocellus just stared at her. Smoulder grinned awkwardly.
“A-anyway,” Smoulder said, “I just want you to know that I don’t care if you were a guy once. Sure, it’s going to take some getting used to, but I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker. I love you, Ocellus. That won’t change.”
Ocellus continued to stare. Smoulder rubbed the back of her neck.
“Eh-heh,” Smoulder said. “Well, I guess I’d better—”
Her sentence was immediately cut off as Ocellus tackled her, cutting off her air supply with a deep, tearful hug.
“I love you,” Ocellus said. “I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou—”
Smoulder patted her on the head.
“I love you too, cuddlebug.”
