The Derp will be Doubled
“A little to the left...good! Now just move that side of the banner a smidgimeter upwards and---perfect!”
“Thanks a bundle for helping out with this party for my sister, Pinkie! I dunno how I'd have gotten all of these set up in time without you.” 'Or up this straight,' she mentally added.
“You're welcome, Derpy! If there's anything I love doing, it's throwing parties. If that party's for a friend's relative, that's even better!” the premier party pony of Ponyville squealed. “Now let's see what we can do about hanging some more streamers...”
“Oh, I think this'll be enough. It'll just be me, Dinky, and Ditzy at the party after all.” The post office where Derpy made her residence was so stuffed with streamers and abounding with balloons and banners that it looked like some flavor of party-flavored ordinance had been detonated in it. Party cannons will do that to a place.
Exploding party decorations onto a scene is a fairly simple task: point an (in)appropriately sized party cannon at your intended target, light the fuse, and duck for cover. Getting said party decorations to look nice, on the other hoof, takes a good amount of time and tweaking. Not an amount of effort outside of Pinkie Pie's purview, thankfully. “Well, I can totally understand that some ponies prefer quiet get-togethers, and I respect your decision,” Pinkie stated with a salute. “You just have to let me lend you my Welcome Wagon at least! I didn't even get a chance to roll it out for her when she flew in for Winter Wrap-Up last year, and nopony's visit to Ponyville is complete without a certified Pinkie Pie Welcome to Ponyville™, which includes at least one blast from the Pinkie's Party Props Welcome Wagon®. I'm going to be so super busy with tending Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake when Ditzy gets here that I won't be able to roll out the welcome wagon myself. Could you please, pretty please, with sugar and sprinkles and cherrychangas and muffins and kumquats and pickle barrels---”
Opting to save her ears, time, and sanity, Derpy stopped up Pinkie's pie-hole with a hoof before she could delve too deeply into her list of toppings. “Okay, okay, I can see how much this means to you,” Derpy said while taking a proud stance. Beginning to beam, she continued, “Rest assured, Equestria's prime postal pony can deliver anything. She doesn't care if it's a package, a parcel, or a proper Ponyville greeting; nothing can stop Derpy Hooves from getting it through to its destination!”
About a quarter mile away from Ponyville and closing, there flew a gray pegasus mare with blond hair, bubbles for a cutie mark, and two of the most beautiful perfectly aligned golden eyes you've ever seen. Ditzy Doo, as the mare was known, had been flying in from Cloudsdale to visit her...eccentric twin sister. 'I wonder what that cloudcuckoolander is planning to talk my ears off about this time? I hope she tells me something with those evil Doorlocks and the time-traveling port-a-potty again,' Ditzy mused amusedly. While Ditzy would be among the first to admit that she's not altogether “there” and a bit of a featherbrain besides, Ditzy had no doubt that she was herself the better grounded of the two siblings. Derpy'd always be the one to come up with the crazy story to explain to their parents why they'd skipped curfew (the one where they'd gotten shoved into plastic cases, stared at giant hairless monkeys from humongous, overwhelmingly pink shelves, and had to escape through a garbage chute was a favorite of Ditzy's). Derpy would be the one to lead the charge in interesting new games (The floor isn't made of lava, Ditzy! It's made of liquid nitrogen so we can touch it a little, but not for long, and it makes really cool smoke clouds when you do!). She'd also be the one to fearlessly concoct bizarre recipes everypony else had the good sense to avoid trying to enact (although those Jalapeno-Banana-Lime Muffins tasted way better than they had any right to).
'No bones about it, Derpy is weird. It's a good weird, though. I wish I could come to see her more often. She's great for a laugh...and she always has the best stories. Welp, looks like Ponyville's getting awfully close! Now where's that post office again?'
The surprise party was all ready to be sprung. Pinkie had left an hour ago, but not before supplying Derpy Hooves with the genuine Pinkie's Party Props Welcome Wagon® and giving her some brief instructions on its operation. Something to the effect of “Remember that the baked goods are meant to go in the oven on the front while the stuff you want to spray all over the place gets loaded in the confetti blowers on top. Otherwise, things can get a bit embarrassing.” The pink pony looked awfully sheepish at that last bit, before poofing back to her normal, perky self and bouncing away. Derpy made extra sure to put the muffin batter in the oven and the bubble fluid in the confetti blowers. 'If only I could have remembered which setting on this infernal contraption corresponded to muffin baking. Was it preset 1? 2? 5? Why couldn't these just be written in temperatures like on a normal oven. I think 5 was for baking muffins...or was 5 the one for 100 pound cake? No, 5 was most likely muffins,' she assured herself.
Dinky had gotten home from magic kindergarten about ten minutes ago and was hiding behind a counter, preparing to pounce on her Auntie Ditzy as soon as the signal was given. Both Dinky and her mom were wearing silver party hats with golden poofball tassels, and the little filly had a silver and gold striped roll-up noisemaker perched in her mouth, ready to strike.
The door creaked open...
'Finally found that post office. Now I can finally see my sister again!' Ditzy, just a little tired from her trek, grinned at the door to Derpy's home. 'I can't wait to swap news from cloudsdale for her tales of wacky hijinks among the stars, or dinosaurs, or ents, or whatever it is this time. I bet she's gonna love the scoop I've gotten on who Spitfire's been seeing. Ah yes, it's been so much easier to come up with anecdotes for these get-togethers since I took up reporting. Hay, that's why I took up reporting in the first place. Couldn't think of any other way to keep my stories half as interesting as hers.
'And I can ask Dinky about how magic kindergarten is going. Does it work like flight camp does for pegasi? Come to think of it, I wonder what kind of special schooling earth ponies have to take...wait, why are the lights all off?'
“SURPRISE!” shouted Ditzy's near-double. Ditzy then proceeded to get the wind knocked out of her as a feral tooting unicorn filly glomped her.
“H-hello to you, too!” Ditzy sputtered. “How's my favorite unicorn?”
Derpy shouted, “Dinky, duck! Ditzy, open wide for your official welcome to ponyville!” Derpy stomped on a large pink button.
All Ditzy had the chance to say was “Wha---” as Bubbles exploded all over the building. But that wasn't the noise that everypony within three blocks heard. That sound was the CRACK-KRO-OOOM of Ditzy's favorite kind of Jalapeno-Banana-Lime muffin leaving a plaid contrail as it was ejected from the Pinkie's Party Props Welcome Wagon® at Ludicrous Speed©. The delicious, if somewhat overcooked muffin then followed Dinky's example by supercolliding with Ditzy's face to knock her to the floor.
“Oh why are so many of Pinkie Pie's party props so very explosive? I ought to have a word with that mare about that...or at least on the proper labeling of dangerous machinery.”
“But momma, the explosives make everything so much more fun! A party just isn't a Pinkie Pie Party unless something's blowing up.”
“No buts, young filly. You saw what that welcome wagon did to my poor sister!” Cue an inarticulate moan from Ditzy. “She's only just now coming around. After firing that muffin sabot round at her face, I'm not even sure I can look her in the...eyes...”
“Tee-hee. Hey mommy, her eyes look like yours now!”
“Huh. Maybe that's why I can suddenly see in five dimensions,” Ditzy dazedly observed.
