Pounding the walls of the Batcave, Batman roared in anger. His latest crime-fighting escapade had been successful, but it still left him furious.
‘Damn that Penguin!’ he bellowed, ‘Damn him to the fiery pits of Hades! What a miserable piece of criminal scum he is! Even his name is an insult! The Penguin! Penguins are cute and fluffy and I loathe all things adorable with every fibre of my being! The world is a lugubrious place of agony and suffering! What room is there for “cute”?’ Having said that word again, Batman held himself and shuddered.
‘Hey, keep it down!’ said Robin in the corner, ‘I’m trying to watch TV!’
Batman walked towards the Bat-TV. ‘What, pray tell, are you watching?’
‘My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!’
Batman snarled at Robin, saliva dripping from his mouth. ‘My Little Pony?! How could you? That programme is too bright, too funny for dark avengers of the night such as ourselves!’
‘What the hell, Batman?’ Robin said, raising an eyebrow, ‘It’s a good show! Sure, it may be light-hearted, but there’s some really good writing and character development!’
‘Robin, we’re comic book characters! Why should we care about good writing and character development?’
‘Look...’
‘Don’t talk back, worm!’ Batman punched Robin in the face, sending the Boy Wonder to the ground. With that, Batman jumped up and down on Robin as if he were a hat. ‘You have violated me by viewing this light entertainment! Look at that pony! She’s pink! Pink is the colour of Satan’s vomit!’ Then he picked up the Bat-TV and threw it down a bottomless pit.
‘Why’d you do that?’ cried Robin, picking himself up, ‘You know you’re going to miss Will and Grace now?’
‘I don’t care!’ Batman raised his arms into the air and screamed. ‘You have committed an unforgiveable sin against my code! You’re fired!’
‘Well, that’s just as well,’ replied Robin, making his way out, ‘I’m not being the partner of a guy who gets mad over an awesome cartoon.’
‘That’s it! Get out of here! Let’s see your precious little horsies help you now!’
When Robin had left, Batman left the Batcave too. Stomping through the Gotham streets, leaving large dents in the pavement, Batman searched the city for any crimes and wrongdoings. Of course, it didn’t take long for evil to rear its ugly head in this city, and sure enough, the Riddler just happened to be walking down the street. Upon seeing him, Batman dove for the green-clad one, pinning him on the ground.
‘What evil art thou planning, vile leprechaun?’
The Riddler raised an eyebrow. ‘I was going back home to watch TV, actually.’
‘What TV show are you planning to watch?’
A grin lit the Riddler’s face. ‘Riddle me this, when is a girl’s show not a girl’s show?’
Batman screeched again, causing lightning to strike. ‘You don’t mean...’ Just then, his super-sensitive Bat-hearing picked up something...familiar...
‘My Little Pony, My Little Pony...’
‘The bane of my existence, back again to torment me!’ Batman rose, leaving the Riddler lying in pain. ‘Whoever’s watching it must pay the price!’
Having escaped from Arkham once again, the Joker and his sweetheart Harley Quinn had retired to their favourite abandoned amusement park to unwind in their favourite abandoned funhouse.
‘Harley, my dear,’ said the Joker, ‘Shall we partake in some equine-related entertainment?’
‘Hooray, Mister Jay,’ replied Harley, dancing in excitement, ‘Pinkie Pie’s my favourite!’ To further punctuate her energy, she sang a portion of the cupcake song.
The two clowns switched on the boob tube and revelled in the theme song. At least they did until Batman came crashing in.
‘Joker! I should have known!’ Harley hid behind the couch as Batman breathed heavily.
‘It wasn’t enough that you crippled Batgirl! It wasn’t enough that you killed a Robin that actually had darkness in his soul! But this! Watching My Little Pony! This is the final straw!’
‘Oh come on, Bats!’ said the Joker, ‘Not only is this show funny...’
‘I detest funny!’ yelled Batman, breaking the television screen with his fist. ‘How can we laugh when there is so much crime and corruption in the world?!’
‘...but the characters have their own personalities and are relatable, and...’
‘Well, if My Little Pony is so great, why don’t you marry it?’ Batman turned to a still-shuddering Harley. ‘Hear that, Harley? He cares more for a stupid cartoon than you! Your love is a lie, but then again, is not all love a lie?’
‘Batman, please!’ said the Joker, ‘You really should give this show a chance!’
‘Never!’ yelled Batman, ‘In fact, you know what I’m going to do?’ From his utility belt of pain, he pulled out a trans-dimensional vortex. ‘I’m going to go to meet those My Little Ponies, and give them a piece of my mind! Their world will soon be as dark and empty as my heart!’
‘How could you?’ cried the Joker.
‘I’m Batman, I can do whatever I want! Let’s see how those well-developed characters do against my well-developed fists!’ So Batman stepped through the portal, and it disappeared in a second.
‘Oh no, Mister Jay!’ Harley squealed, ‘He’s gonna hurt the poor little ponies!’
‘Not if I have something to do with it!’ With that, the Joker grabbed his magic pogo stick and hopped on it until it teleported him to Equestria.
‘No.’
Already he was too late, as the once-proud buildings had been reduced to rubble, and the ponies no longer pranced and went about their daily business, but now writhed in the ground in pain.
‘Help me...’
‘Pinkie Pie?!’ Turning around, the Joker saw, under the debris of a collapsed building, Pinkie Pie struggling to escape. ‘No! Of all ponies, why you?’ wailed the Joker as he pulled Pinkie Pie out. ‘Speak to me!’
While Pinkie Pie may have been free, she still had lost her joy, her carefree ways. That loveable pony, reduced to a weak creature, barely breathing in Joker’s arms.
‘Are you “cute” now?’ Looking up, the Joker saw the fiend himself. Batman sat atop a fiery black throne, the souls of the damned circling him. ‘Now, Joker, like these pathetic ponies, you will bow before your new god!’
‘You heartless monster!’ screamed the Joker, ‘What has Pinkie Pie ever done to you?’
‘Exist!’ screamed Batman, ‘She and her joy and her laughter!’
Laughter?
‘Pinkie Pie!’ screamed Joker, ‘Remember how you defeated those ghosties!’
‘Huh?’ replied Pinkie Pie, slowly opening her eyes.
‘Laugh! Laugh!’
‘Silence!’ Batman’s voice echoed throughout Equestria, ‘There shall be no more laughter in this forsaken world! Only brooding and depressing poetry! I AM BATMAN!’
A titter.
‘What was that?’
Pinkie Pie had begun to chuckle.
‘That’s it, Pinkie Pie!’ The Joker joined in the laughter. ‘Laugh at the bat!’
‘No! I am dark and serious!’
‘Oh come on!’ squealed Pinkie Pie, jumping to her feet. ‘You dress up like a bat! That’s funny!’
‘No it’s not! It’s a reflection of my complex and tormented psyche!’
‘But,’ Pinkie Pie’s laughter grew ever louder. ‘You have your underwear on the outside!’
‘That joke is old!’ Nonetheless, all the ponies, even those under the ruins of their society, began to guffaw at Batman. As they did, Batman writhed and squirmed in his throne.
‘Yes! It’s working!’ Joker leapt up and down, pointing at the weakened monster. ‘Laugh harder!’
Laugh harder the ponies did, and the buildings annihilated by Batman began rebuilding themselves like Superman rebuilt the Great Wall of China in that one movie.
‘No! Be miserable!’ With the chuckling and the giggling growing ever louder, Batman shrunk into his throne. Shrunk literally, that is. His once-mighty muscles diminished, and his black costume became a light shade of blue. Painted eyebrows appeared on his mask, and his eyes were no longer pale.
‘We did it!’ The Joker leapt for joy, hugging Pinkie Pie. ‘We’ve saved Batman!’
‘Hmm, old chum,’ said Batman in a different voice, ‘I appear to be in My Little Pony, a show I congratulate for its productive messages towards its young viewers.’
With Equestria saved, Joker was declared their new national hero and thus a statue of him was built in the centre of Ponyville and Princess Celestia made him the new king...
‘Okay, that’s enough.’
Joker looked up and found himself not in the shining utopia of Equestria, but in his squalid cell in Arkham. The smell of cupcakes deteriorated into the whiff of urine and neglect, and there stood not Celestia, but his latest therapist, adjusting his glasses.
‘That’s not what really happened the last time you faced Batman, was it?’
‘It’s the God’s truth! Well, it would be if there was any justice in the world.’
‘Uh-huh. Sure.’
The therapist left, leaving Joker in his cell to amuse himself.
‘Cupcakes, so sweet and tasty, cupcakes...’
