Bats!

by TheEighthDayofNight

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Changelings, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 1179

Did you know that bats are omnivores? Trex does.

Trex tries to prevent bats from enjoying their rightfully enjoyed diet.

Trex does not succeed

Technically takes place in the Equestria at War universe, but no significant elements are brought up, nor is lore contributed to.

Art by FacadeArts

Published 2023-10-14 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-10-14 00:10:01 UTC

Bats!

“Trex, they’re outside again.”

The yellow-eyed changeling groaned and set down the book he’d been reading.

“Which ones? Please tell me it’s not-”

“It’s Night Reader and Pant. They’re chittering and biting the lawn.”

Petra’s voice was deadpan, any sense of alarm gone now that this had become a regular occurrence. The bats, who were supposed to be sane, normal overly-cuddly ponies he happened to be friends with had, for some inexplicable reason, started harassing his new house. Following the un-expected windfall from his ten percent royalties, he’d bought a house in the country to get away from the insanity of the city. Yet the bats had followed him and had only grown battier, for reasons he still couldn’t fathom and refused to even think about.

Petra had tried several times to drive them away. Being a Queen’s Guard, she had many means. Threats of violence, non-harmful traps, bribery, actual violent acts, even the dreaded cuddling the bats seemed so in love with. None of these measures succeeded. Instead, the bats returned each time with renewed determination and silliness to wear the pair of changelings down. All for the absurd goal of eating his-

Trex let out a snort as a broom smacked his muzzle.

“Go get rid of them,” Petra said. “I’ll keep an eye inside, in case the third one is lurking around.”

Trex sighed and took the broom.

“I… fine.”

He trotted to the door and threw it open, then brandished the broom as the pair of bats immediately turned their attention to him. Night Reader’s tail lashed back and forth, and the broom head leveled at him.

“No! No pouncing! Bad bat, bad! I will get the box!”

Night Reader snorted and his tail continued to waggle, his hips quickly joining suit.

“I’m being good! I am helping my kinsponies achieve their complete, healthy diet! I’m being a very good bat!”

“You’re not even fully thestral,” Trex screeched back, trying to poke him back with the broom. “You’re a unicorn!”

Night Reader’s answer was a dismissive scoff.

“Tufts! Half bat is enough to enjoy eating a succulent, bulging and tasty-”

“Stop saying it’s tasty, and stop trying to eat it,” Trex snapped. “I already lost 500 hives marks because of this insanity, and my ID, twice!”

Pant stuck out her tongue in a blep. Trex side-eyed the pink maned, full-blooded bat, but kept his broom on the more wily Night Reader.

“You’re not getting it this time, bat. My wallet is not a snack!”

Night Reader’s tail waggled back and forth, and he crouched low to the ground.

“I disagree. Not only will we get your delicious wallet this time, but we will get it all the time! A good thestral never abandons the hunt!”

“This is not a hunt! Wallets aren’t food, and if they were, why have you only started eating them now? And why mine?”

His ears swiveled as the sound of a crash was swiftly followed by Petra swearing. Trex took his eyes off the pair of bats, looking back toward his house.

This was a dangerous mistake.

With a screech of batty delight, Pant pounced on Trex’s back, driving the yellow-eyed changeling to the ground. He squirmed as the thestral mare continued sticking her tongue out at him, giving his snoot a lick before settling down and purring, beaming at her fluffy compatriot. Night Reader smiled back, his fangs shining as he trotted toward the front door.

“Good job Pant! You’re getting a bigger share of the victory mangoes this time!”

Pant let out a delighted scree, and Trex felt the pink maned bat vibrate, her purrs flooding his ears, even as the vibrations rocked his pinned body. He flailed his limbs, jabbing a foreleg at Night Reader.

“Shades damnit bat, you stay away from my wallet! It is not food!”

Night Reader pranced up to the door, giggling.

“It’s going to be! Enjoy the snuggles buggo! Tonight, we feast!”

He threw open the front door, then immediately ducked as a television flew over his head. Trex heard Petra screech in rage, a series of unique and colorful changeling curses spitting toward the blue half-bat, as well as her other assailant. Night Reader waggled his eyebrows at Trex, then trotted inside, closing the door behind him. The sounds of things breaking and Petra cursing only increased, and Trex sighed as he watched the trio of shadows dance around each other.

He knew what the result would be. It was the same as every other time, the bats were crafty. Sighing, he glanced up at Pant.

“No chance I could convince you to let me go save my wallet?”

The mare giggled and blepped her tongue at him. Trex sighed again and rested his chin in the grass, staring at his garden. At least the bats always left that intact.

“Yeah, I thought not.”

*****

Trex took a seat at the cafe, a long sandwich in his magic. It was his treat after yet another shopping trip to replace his wallet. His face was becoming commonplace at the ID department, with the changeling mare manning the front desk giggling as he recounted yet another failed defense. He was sure they didn’t entirely believe his stories about bats eating his wallets, but they still served him all the same, so at least there was that.

With a sigh, Trex pulled up his chair and started unwrapping his sandwich. Just as started to take that first, delicious bite, he froze as a tall, blue ball of fluff took the seat opposite him. He bared his teeth, barking at the half-bat.

“Damnit you stinky bag of fluff, you’re not getting this one! I just got it half an hour ago!”

The blue unicorn smiled, taking his seat easily.

“Oh you have nothing to worry about buggo. Turns out that last hunt went on a little long thanks to Petra, and feeding season ended. Night Owl and Pant didn’t want anything to do with your wallet when we got back to our hunting nest.”

Trex blinked as the half-bat pulled his wallet from his bright red scarf, setting it on the table. Blinking again, he looked down at the table, his cheeks reddening with shame.

“Huh, well, I uh… Sorry, about the stinky comment. Thanks for return…”

His jaw sat open as he looked up. Night Reader paused, his fangs buried deep in Trex’s old wallet. The half-bat blinked, then he ripped off a strip of leather, sending half eaten hive’s marks fluttering to the table. Swallowing, Night Reader coughed, and gave a nervous smile.

“I’m sorry buggo, did you want some?”

Trex stared long and hard at the bat before letting out a sigh and shaking his head, biting into his sandwich.

“I hate you.”

He squeaked as magic dragged him around the table and into the bat’s chest fluff. Hooves embraced him, and the unicorn rested his chin on top of Trex’s head as he took another bite of the changeling’s old wallet. Night Reader sighed happily.

“Love you too buggo.”