Terry Crews and Saxton Hale
It was an idyllic summer day in Ponyville. The grass was freshly cut from the local team of dedicated gardeners. The birds were chirping and fluttering about in the warm breeze. Celestia’s sun shined brightly, beckoning the many residing ponies to frolic about in the warmth.
And by frolic, I mean run for their lives! When compared to other suspiciously similar idyllic days, this was no ordinary idyllic day!
You see, universe after universe has been collided with this one universe, this “Friendship is Magic” universe. All these universes intermingling have caused a 9001-Universe pile-up, with Ponyville caught in the center!
Brace yourselves, My Little Ponies.
This is The Last Crossover.
***
Princess Celestia was sitting on her truly regal throne, overlooking all the land from her… overlooking castle. She sighed, bored with all the pointless smatterings of politics and peace. Granted, it’s nice to not have to worry about shortages, unhappiness, despair, war. All those unpleasant notions are nothing more than a distant memory to Equestria at large.
But with all the great things peace had brought, peace was boring. The solar princess was almost inclined to break the stone prison containing Discord, just to upset the balance and let her have a little fun. Of course, every fiber of her being screamed and fought against the thought. She knew it just wasn’t worth it.
Celestia’s ears peaked when she thought she heard a distant noise, an almost ominous shout echoing through the furthest halls of the castle.
Probably nothing. Just Luna using the ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE on a poor guardsman who touched her sock collection… Or something.
She sat back, relaxing for a second, softly letting out another exasperated sigh. Just when she was finally relaxed, the noise returned once more, but much closer than it was.
“oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
A hairless ape, more muscle than anything else, crashed through the (Supposedly indestructible) throne room doors. It was clear from what Celestia could see that he was a very darkly-toned individual. Apart from his bipedal stance and bulging muscles, this creature did not belong to Equestria.
Also, he wasn’t wearing a shirt.
Celestia stammered, aghast at the sudden appearance of this bizarre being.
“WHAT?! Who are you? WHAT ARE YOU?! YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON’T CARE - GET OUT OF MY THRONE ROOM!”
“OOOOOOOOOLD SPICE HAS SIXTEEN HOURS OF B.O. BLOCKING POOOOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
This bizarre being had somehow mastered the ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE! It was beyond Celestia how it could have possibly learned how to cast the spell. For one thing, whatever this… Thing… Is, it didn’t have a horn!
“IT’S SO POWERFUL IT SELLS ITSELF IN OTHER PEOPLE’S UNIVERSES!”
Terry Crews twitched his manly pecs in an upbeat and over-the-top manner, making a noise like the whirr of a pneumatic drill.
“IT’S SO POWERFUL, IT CAN TURN OFF THE SUN!”
Celestia’s proud sun suddenly turned off, shrouding the world in total darkness like somepony had hit a big-ass light switch.
“BUT THEN IT GETS TOO COLD, SO IT MAKES ANOTHER SUN!”
Suddenly, the light returned, but almost twice as intense as it was before. Sure enough, Celestia looked out the window and counted two suns.
Son of a- He’s TAKIN’ MAH JOB!Celestia fumed.
“DOUBLE SUN POOOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!”
Suddenly, a dark blue alicorn about 3/4 of Celestia’s height galloped in, flanked by four Pegasus guards decked out in full sets of shock-trooper armor and armed with back-mounted rapid-fire spear launchers. Celestia thought the military grade equipment overkill for the situation. She was wrong. Nothing in all of Equestria could possibly deal with the raw preposterous levels of Testosterone of Terry Crews. He was so full of raw manliness, that he didn't really have Testosterone anymore - ONLY PREPOSTERONE!
“GUARDS! SEIZE THIS MANIAC! HE TOUCHED MY SOCKIES!”
The bizarre creature just stared at the group of soldiers, then promptly removed the second sun, returning the light level to normal.
“I… I put them back,” Old Spice Guy said normally.
The four guards looked at each other confusedly, before shrugging and launching onto an intercept vector to the muscle-bound human, who promptly returned to his previous volume.
“OOOOOOOOOOLD SPICE IS TOO POOOOWAHFUL TO LET ITSELF BE CAPTURRRREEEEEEED!!!!!!!!”
What happened next took place in the space of about a half a second. One moment, the guards were about 1 foot away from impaling the would-be sock bandit, the next they were... just 3 well-armored vending machines.
“POTATO CHIIIIPS!”
Terry Crews punched through the glass of one of the former Royal Guards, grabbing a random package of Frito-Lays and munching on a few of them, before promptly crushing the bag.
“WINDOW SMASH!”
This being had actually jumped out the window, leaving 2 dumbfounded Princesses in his wake. Princess Luna was sitting down just staring at the gap left in the window by the fleeing creature.
“W- What?” She said, completely stunned.
“I don’t know, Luna.”
The goddesses sat in silence for a moment before Celestia spoke up again.
“… Did he really touch your-”
“Wore, more like. We don’t want to talk about it.”
“… Wow.”
“Sister… what about the guards?”
“… They can wait, they’re not going anywhere. Candy bar?”
Celestia levitated a bar of Twix teasingly in front of Luna’s face.
“… Sure.”
***
The throne room had been steadily being cleaned up ever since the massive mountain of a bipedal creature known only as “The Old Spice Guy” had completely obliterated any semblance of structural integrity.
An older earth pony gentlecolt wearing a blue jumpsuit was standing about, sweeping up leftover shards of glass. Both from the “Vending Machines” and any that managed to land inside when the big guy jumped out the window. The only audible noise in the room was the scraping of glass over the floor.
Like she had for the thousand years previously, Princess Celestia sat atop her throne, flanked by her usual proud Praetorians plus a couple of extra guards, all dressed in Aegis Enchanted power armor… If the being that seemingly had no concept of an ‘indoor voice’ returned, she wanted to be ready.
Then… The unthinkable happened. An extremely loud Australian man came soaring out of the sky towards the castle.
“SAXTON! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!!!"
He smashed head-first through the skylight that overlooked the throne room.
“PROPERTY DAAAMAGE!!”
He landed not five feet directly in front of Celestia, his body spread out in a three-point landing.
Celestia was flabbergasted. “… What. The. F-”
Thankfully, her guards were already on the ball and started charging towards him.
“YOU THINK YOU’RE MAN ENOUGH FOR ME?! BRING IT ON, MY LITTLE PONIES!!”
Saxton immediately punched the ground in front of him, causing a small earthquake. The wall behind Celestia visibly began to crack, while the guards fell over, now easy pickings to the big Aussie.
What happened next is best not described in detail. All Celestia remembers is just a bunch of completely competent and highly-trained guardsponies were bashed into an incoherent heap. She didn’t think she wanted to see a spleen used like that again.
“GAME OVER! YOU ALL LOSE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Saxton Hale promptly walked up to the same window that the Old Spice Guy had broken not a day before, and prepped himself to jump.
“BRAAAAAVE JUMP!” Like everything else he’s ever said, he bellowed this at the top of his lungs.
The glass should have given way right there, But Celestia was ready. Not even Discord could penetrate a pane of Transparent Ultrasteel. It’s enchanted to hold its own against powerful individuals like gods. She had replaced every window in the throne room with it, and was in the process of replacing-
“CHEST HAIR LASER!!!”
A bizarre blast of red energy that emitted itself from the Australia-shaped patch of hair on his chest blasted right through the supposedly indestructible glass. Celestia ran after him, but Hale jumped out the window anyway. She’d have to have some words with R&D.
Not particularly pleasant words, either.
***
A/N:
Originally, this little bit was going to have solid snake, but I couldn’t figure out how to portray him correctly, and honestly, didn’t work very well with… The other two invaders of this chapter. Seriously, Snake with Saxton Hale and Terry Crews? It’d be going from “BUILDING KICK! EXPLOSIOOOONS!” To “Otacon, what’s going on over there?”
I’ll squeeze him in later.
Chapter 1 - They fight for the lost
Transdimensional Antics, Part 1: Princess Celestia
Southern Wing of Canterlot Castle, 1500 Hours.
A studious, dark blue maned unicorn with a round cutie mark stood next to a broad-shouldered Pegasus who had a similarly round cutie mark. In the grip of his telekinesis, he was holding a clipboard with a list of anomalous events throughout Equestria. Princess Celestia stood before them, anticipating a report.
“Princess, the situation grows dire in Manehattan. The bulk of the transdimensional invaders are concentrated in the area. They’re laying waste to the city and surrounding countryside. I propose we send the bulk of the guard into the city and-"
The muscular Pegasus standing next to the unicorn spoke up, apparently protesting against the this plan.
“These incursions obviously cannot be fought effectively in an urban environ. I say we cordon off the area and kill anything that tries to get out. The civilians are… an unfortunate but necessary loss. Sacrifice one city, save the rest.”
“If we reduce this to nothing but arithmetic – that makes us no better than the abominations slaughtering us by the truckload!”
The bright red pony fumed. “You’re nothing but an overly-idealistic fool! You’re not able to make the hard choices! You never have! The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
The unicorn obviously was taken aback for a moment, but then rapidly fired back “You talk of Saving Equestria! But if we abandon everything we believe in, Equestria is truly lost.”
“I accept that. But what I fail to understand is how we can do that with our rapidly dwindling forces. I mean, we literally are fighting two wars simultaneously. From the east, we’ve got a long attrition war with the Griffon Kingdoms. Then, within Equestria itself, we’re fighting these transdimensional invaders! We are stretched thin as it is. If we move the majority of our forces to this one area, we open ourselves to attack from other routes.”
Celestia sighed. As much as she valued her two military advisors, they had two very different perspectives on the world.
Paragon, the light blue unicorn, was a loving stallion – big family, big heart. He knew the world sometimes needed heroes. He also had an incredibly idealistic outlook.
Renegade, the red Pegasus, was the complete inverse of his coworker. In Celestia’s administration, there was always at least one of him - a warmonger. Somepony who understands the ruthless calculus of war. Working apart, they’re just two very different ponies with two very different perspectives. If somepony were to play their personalities off each other, the result is fascinating, to say the least. She, personally, had nicknamed the two stallions “Paragade”, playing off of the trend of creating a portmanteau name to refer to celebrities when they marry or date – like SapphFire, or SoarinDash. Frankly, these two were a short hotel stay away from being an item.
She interrupted the two’s bickering by holding up a hoof.
“What, exactly, is the greatest threat to Manehattan?”
The two glanced at each other, apparently wondering if they should tell her.
“Your Majesty… Erm…” Paragon drew a blank. He didn’t know how to explain this. He nudged Renegade offhoofedly.
Renegade’s eyes widened.
“Well, Princess. You’re not going to believe this.”
“It’s you.” Paragon said.
***
Meanwhile, in downtown Manehattan…
An alicorn that looked suspiciously like Celestia trotted past block after block with a stupid grin plastered on her face.
She walked past a mare cowering under the remnants of a crashed chariot. The poor earth pony was obviously distraught and panicking. Granted, with all the destruction and chaos going on around her, Molestia didn’t blame her.
The alicorn leaned down, peeking under the destroyed chassis of the chariot. She could smell the mare’s fear.
“Hiiiiii little pony.” The white alicorn said through a grin.
“Princess Celestia! Have you come to save us?!” The mare said nervously.
“Firstly, I’m not really Princess Celestia. And second… Not quite.” Molestia’s eyes shrank to the size of pinpricks.
"Of course, that depends on your definition of help.”
Molestia rapes all the ponies she can get her hooves on. But it’s really not rape if said ponies let her. And you know they do.
***
Back at Canterlot Castle…
“… Eww.” Princess Celestia deadpanned, obviously distraught over what her doppelganger was ‘doing’ to the Manehattanites.
Renegade continued. “Of course, your… horny clone is not the only being there. There are others.”
***
Back in Manehattan.
A massive ape had gripped itself to the top of the Pegasus Center. For some reason, a rather muscular human was riding atop the gorilla’s left shoulder.
“I PITY THE FOOL WHO AIN’T ON A ONE THOUSAND FOOT TALL SILVERBACK GORILLA!”
That’s right, mares and gentlecolts. Mr. T was riding King Kong. It looked even more absurd than it sounds. The beast roared with anger and violence whilst smashing a big hole deep into the side of the building.
“MR. T PITIES THE PONIES WHO ARE BEING SQUISHED BY HIS GOOD FRIEND HERE!”
***
“… Many are extremely destructive and actively hostile.”
Paragon elaborated. “But a few others, well…”
***
Mr. T and King Kong were still laying waste to the Pegasus Tower, throwing glass shards and steel bits all over the city.
Unexpectedly, a spotlight suddenly blinded the two would-be demolishers of Manehattan, whilst a voice sounded throughout the air, broadcast over a PA speaker. A massive amalgamation of titanium and darkly-tinted glass appeared, bristling with weapons on almost every surface. The biggest gun, a 500-foot-long railgun ran the length of the airship.
“UNKNOWN ABOMINATION! THIS IS THE GDS KODIAK III. CEASE YOUR RAMPAGE OR BE DESTROYED! THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING!”
King Kong just thumped his chest and roared.
“YOU WERE WARNED.” The Kodiak immediately fired its spinal railgun directly at the massive ape, exploding the beast into a million tiny gibs. Sir Isaac Newton would be proud.
Mr. T fell rapidly to the ground, becoming a pancake that just looooves gold chains.
***
“... Others choose to protect us, oddly enough. They bolster our military strength, help evacuate civilian populations. But… they are hopelessly and ludicrously outgunned…”
***
Just outside the Ponyville Schoolhouse, in the playground.
“OLD SPICE BODY SPRAY IS TOO POWAHFUL TO LET THESE ADORABLE PONIES DIE!!!”
Terry Crews was back-to-back with Saxton Hale. Apparently, they had both chosen the pony’s side. They were protecting a small group of school-age fillies, as well as a distraught Cheerilee from a Zerg attack wave.
“SAY HELLO TO CTHULHU FOR ME, AND TELL 'IM HE'S NEXT! HAHAHAHA!” Saxton yelled, right before impaling a Zergling with its own claw.
***
“… Regardless, they fight. Not just for us. But for every universe, every parallel. Every dimension and every world…”
***
Southeast of Ponyville, the Apple Farm.
A massive mountain of a man wearing jet black power armor shot 50mm rounds out of his C-24 Prototype Gauss Rifle. The "Brick Gun", as he affectionately called it, blasted a hole in the carapace of a charging Zergling that promptly and comically flipped head-over-stinger when conservation of momentum kicked in. The Apple Family's barn was, for some unfathomable reason, a prime target for the invaders.
Of course, it was also exactly where Raynor's Raiders had burned in.
He ducked behind the cover of the barn before the abomination's buddy took his head off.
“THIS IS JIM RAYNOR! If somebody, anybody reads this, a company of Marines and Marauders, including myself are pinned down by a hive of Zerg. We're hunkered down in a barn southeast of a population center! We need immediate assistance!”
Matt Horner's voice came back over the radio.
“Sir, the Hyperion is too far out. We won’t be able to make it in time. I'm sorry.”
“This is the Enterprise-E and Enterprise-A. We are moving in to render assistance and covering Phaser fire. ETA two minutes to arrival.”
“That’d be mighty appreciated, whoever you are... But the nearby village is about to be overrun!” Raynor said over the comm.
“This is the Systems Alliance Planetary Task Force Omega-9. We’ll hold Ponyville, don’t worry about it, soldier.”
"Who now? Whatever, how many soldiers do you have?"
"Three."
"Three will do exactly jack shit against the entire Zerg army!"
"Then, you obviously don't know me. I'm Commander Shepard, and I think Applejack is the best pony in all of Equestria."
Applejack who was eavesdropping Raynor's discussion blushed, her ears flopping back onto her head.
"Aww, ya'll're too kahnd."
***
“They fight for the multiverse.” Paragon stated.
“And they do it together.” Renegade added.
