Chapters Laying in the field, just outside of a small village, laid a hairless ape. It wore a white T-shirt and wore black basketball pants. He was fast asleep, fully unaware of his new location. He rolled over onto his side in an effort to block out sunlight as it threatened to wake him up. “Five more minutes Mom…” The town he was laying outside of wasn’t your ordinary town… if you were a human.
It wasn’t a bustling city like New York, but it was a sizable village of two hundred ponies. A mixture of earth ponies, pegasi, and the rare set of unicorns wandered around, happily going either to work, school, or just going out to enjoy the day. They were fully unaware of the human outside of their village that woke up with a start. Well, until the human shouted. “Ah fuck I’m late”. From his spot in the field. That made a few ponies stop and look in the direction of the shouting, only to keep going about their day.
The human sat up, having realized that he had slept past his alarm and his backup alarm. For… at least two hours. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, before scratching under his legs… Which were crisscrossed in grass. “Wha?” The human slowly looked up. “It’s… noon. Where’s my… Phone?” He looked around, noticing a town that… looked nothing like the megatropolis he grew up in. He looked around, again, nowhere else seemed like a good place to go. On one hand, it was head into the middle of nowhere, the middle of nowhere, or a town called Salt Lick judging by the welcome sign.
“Wait, Salt Lick? “ Bob looked around. “There’s no city in New York named Salt Lick…” Bob shrugged, he must be in some play nobody lives in, like Canada. With that, Bob started walking towards the city. Luckily, he slept with his tennis shoes on, so he wasn’t going around barefoot. He’ll just talk to a local, call home, and be home in a few days. That was the plan that Bob decided to go with once he entered town… “That’s a lot of horses,” Bob mused, noting that each one had a butt mark. ‘Maybe that’s to mark ownership or something, I don’t own a horse so I wouldn’t know.’ He thought.
Bob rounded a corner and came face to face, or rather leg to face with something. “Oof!” A little girl grunted as Bob did when she supposedly bumped… “Watch where you’re going, sir…”
“Sorry…” Bob looked down to the mini horse beside him. A horse that barely came up to his knees had just face first into his knees, having run into them. It was a little unicorn, her bright yellow coat contrasted nicely with her black mane. “Hun, where’d the kid go?” Bob asked, before kneeling down at the foal that was sitting on her rump. “Aren’t you a cute little fella?” Bob stretched his hand out, and the foal stared it down until it slipped under her chin. At first she seemed a bit scared, but relaxed when Bob’s hands started scratching her jaw.
“Eeyup, a cute little fella,” Bob chuckled as he stopped scratching her.
“Hey! I didn't say you could stop!” Bob paused as… that girl’s voice from earlier, left the mini horse that was now pawing at his knee for more scratches. “Please pet me some more!” She looked up at him with the biggest puppy eyes, the little curled up, lower lip did it for Bob. He shook the shock away before deciding to roll with what was happening. If he was in a town full of talking horses, or if he just went insane, he doesn’t know. For now, he’ll enjoy it, so he sat down and opened his arms.
“C’mere,” Bob coaxed. Without hesitation, the filly cheered and crawled into the human’s lap. He had to refrain from asking ‘who’s a good little girl?’ Like you would with a dog. She could talk, and if she was real, then that would mean she’s probably as intelligent as a human being. That would mean these horses are sentient.
“Zippy, get away from that thing!” The human paused in petting the filly, before slowly extracting her from his lap. Standing in front of him was another horse, upon standing up, the horse came up to his chin. It was short for a horse, given that Bob was around five feet tall, like a midget. It was also a unicorn, seemed to be a male judging by the voice that likely came out of its mouth, and shared his fur and mane colors with presumably his daughter. “Why did you get near that monster! It was about to eat you!” The stallion scolded before looking up at the human. “And what kinda creature thinks it can just eat up my daughter?” Its horn lit up.
“Look,” before Bob could utter another word, he quickly ducked as a beam of some sort of energy shot from the unicorn’s head. He quickly ran out onto the streets. Ponies all around stared and screamed at the sight of a ‘monster’ being in their quaint little town. Before he knew it, another beam was shot his way, striking him in the leg. “I should get out of here,” Bob gritted his teeth through the pain. With a mob of angry horses chasing after him, the human began running the way he came. He turned back once to see the same filly he was petting pulling at her father’s leg with her teeth. Tears were running down her eyes.
‘At least the kid feels about what’s happening to me’ Bob snorted at that. It didn’t matter what one kid thought if the entire town was chasing him… On the bright side, he now knew that he wasn’t dreaming, or was riding some drug high. Instead, he is in horse land, getting shown by beams of energy from the horns of unicorns. Even a few bottles were thrown Bob’s way. Luckily, they stopped giving chase after he left the town, but he didn’t stop, taking looks back every now and then to make sure the herd of ponies had truly stopped chasing him. Only when he passed into a forest and hid behind a tree did he stop and fell on his butt.
Bob surveyed the damage done to his leg. It wasn’t too bad, it just hurt a lot. Bob cringed when he leaned up against a tree, quickly shot up and felt his back. “Maybe I can find another town, and maybe they’ll treat my wounds,” he said. “Hopefully they do,” then, his stomach started unceremoniously growling. “And give me some food if I ask nicely enough, that would be nice.” He started limping through the forest, cursing quietly as his leg and back weren’t feeling any better than they had initially felt when he first got hit by all those lasers.
In the middle of a forest, it was a nice peaceful day. There were birds chirping, bees, insects and other arthropods scattered across the forest floor. A bear was eating some berries off of a bush with a small smile on its face. There was not a not the slightest chance that anything could ruin the circle of nature. All of a sudden, the birds stopped chirping, the bear paused while eating his meal, and insects began to run and hide. Something was happening, something terrible.
The bear got up on his hindlegs, having a whiff of the air… Ponies. Ponies were the dominant race on the planet of Equus, but they weren’t much of a threat to a bear. Often it’s because ponies don’t hunt bears, and bears have learnt, a long time ago, to not try and anger or hunt ponies due to how well they work in groups together, especially with magic and wings, ponies were best left alone. The bear figured it would be best to hide in his den, there were a lot of ponies, but something was wrong.
The bear’s ears picked up on the sounds of hooves, and his nose smelled something in the same direction of those hooves. Something… unfamiliar, something that wasn’t a pony.
Without hesitation, the bear started running to the east, away and out of the way of the upcoming herd that was chasing an unknown creature. It turned its head back to see… a hairless ape, dressed in a tattered, white T-shirt, a pair of black pants that weren’t too much better. Under the tattered articles of clothing, it was clear as day that the ape had seen better days, being riddled with burns, scars, and cuts. The panic on the apes face was as plain as a bush devoid of those tasty blueberries. The ape tore past the bush the bear was just eating from, soon followed by two look-alike ponies, lacking wings or a horn like some ponies had, who wore golden armor. The bear looked up at the sound of wings, as two pegasi tore through the forest as well.
Tears began to fall down the human’s face, running for his life, he hopped over roots, ducked under branches, praying that he could get away. First it was a loaf of bread, then it was several loaves of bread a month, and then a couple of apples. Then it was a fishing pole. Then it became a pile of loaves of bread and various other food items. Now, because of his latest escapade in securing food in this bizarre world of talking horses, he was about to face repercussions for his crimes. He took a glance back, those four, armored horses were still hot on his trail. While the two that were running looked about ready to collapse, the ones with wings looked just like they did before they gave chase to him.
“Get back here, you filthy animal!” One of the ponies shouted. With that, the human found a newfound resolve to keep running like his life depended on it.
The Crown of Equestria had been notified of the strange, bipedal animal that stole food from supply trains when they stopped at various train stations across the country. At first, it wasn’t too bad, just an animal getting food without hurting anypony involved, then it happened more frequently and then the reports grew. The creature reassembled a hairless sasquatch, but was much shorter than Equestria’s southern neighbors. It lacked hair as well, and chose to wear… clothes. An animal that wore clothes. That was enough to catch the slight interest of Princess Celestia, the Solar Diarch of Equestria, but she thought she had no need to actually get involved in the search.
After all, she had highly trained stallions and mares that were able to capture the animal.
But the animal remained elusive, and appeared to be hostile. In recent months, of the whole year that this creature has been in Equestria, whenever the animal stole something, somepony got hurt somehow. Many claimed that when they tried to stop the animal, it would punch and kick its way through many ponies. And it hit pretty hard according to several earth ponies, who were known for their hardiness. So as the months went by with more and more ponies getting injured while trying to stop the creature, its capture began to take priority. Not only was it getting away with enough food to feed an entire family of ponies each month, but it was hurting those that were trying to stop it.
So guards were stationed across various stops for supply trains, and this time they had struck lucky. A guard, usually a unicorn, would stay behind to send a message to Canterlot, to whichever of the reigning diarch were available at the time, then a squad of guards would go and hunt the creature down. This was the first time that they actually caught the creature trying to steal something. So far, it didn’t get to steal anything, instead, it got close to the loading station, and was immediately spotted.
And such, the guards gave chase and Princess Celestia was notified.
The human ducked behind a tree, and into the cave it had been staying in over the last week. Hopefully… “It's in the cave!” A voice shouted. The human sighed, before getting to the back of the cave, and sat down. It’s the end of the line. He leaned his head on the cave wall, awaiting the upcoming storm that these horses were about to bring down on him. “Your highness,” the same voice said. “We cornered the creature as you asked.” It informed the supposed ‘highness.
“Shit…” The human tucked his legs in, and laid his head on his knees. He just needed some damn food, but these ponies would chase him out of town before he could ask for food nicely! Or even a job so he can pay for food! And now, he apparently grabbed the attention of somebody with some power; now he’s going to die for sure. The ripe age of… Sixteen. He was fifteen when he first got to… Horse Land, that was a year ago, at least he thinks it was. Without a calendar, or a working cell phone with the date on it, it was a bit hard to tell how long it’s been. Accepting that he was basically dead, he took a deep breath. He got ready to give himself up and plead guilty if a trial was held for him.
Or die.
Only to be grabbed up in a yellow, almost golden glow. It was like staring at the sun, but without the light that made staring at the sun so bad for your eyes. Soon, the human found himself suspended in the air, and was slowly dragged out of the cave. He was kept in the air, but found himself face to face with a horse, this one was far taller than the others he had come across. While he was not very tall, he was sure this horse would either be able to look him in the eyes, or tower over him. While the other horses’ heads were held around at chest level. Her mane was a flowing rainbow, they were in a forest, so the mane was just floating in a near nonexistent wind. The horse was clearly a unicorn, with a horn protruding from her forehead, that could very easily be used to stab him in the heart for possibly hurting her subjects. Her subjects, because that crown on her head, just behind that sharp horn, had to mean something.
“Now, what kind of creature are you?” She asked. The Princess didn’t look angry, just curious. That was a good sign, right?
“A human,” the human responded. “Look, I’m glad you’re giving me a good look over before you kill me,” the human ignored the shocked looks on the tall horse and her guards. “But I assume you know what I was doing, and I know what I was doing was wrong. I’m kinda desperate for food, but that still doesn’t make what I did any better; just kill me already, alright? That’s the only fate I get for hurting people just so I can get an apple that I couldn’t work for.” sighed. “I would’ve paid for all the food I stole…”
“That thing can talk?” The guards whispered not so quietly, making the human shut his mouth. Perhaps talking was not a good idea.
“Human… Do you have a name?” The Princess asked. “If you can speak, that means you’re at the very least, as intelligent as a pony, and you must have a name, correct?”
“My name…” the human paused. Now, on one hand, he could be honest and give an honest name. On the other, it didn’t matter since he was probably about to die. “Bob,” yeah, that’s his actual name. It didn’t matter, he was about to get stabbed in the chest by an overly long unicorn horn attached to a probably pissed off monarch. “So, is this my trial? Or am I just gonna get stabbed, blasted with a horn beam, or kicked in the chest so hard that it breaks my ribs and all that fun stuff?” Bob asked.
“Since you are clearly a creature capable of reasoning, I shall hold your trial,” the… Unicorn asked. She had wings which flared. “You are charged with thievery and assault against several of my little ponies. How do you plead?”
‘Oh boy, being tried here and now, what a pleasure’ Bob thought. “Guilty.” Bob shrugged, now being set down, but unable to move his legs, no matter how they tried. It was like something was stopping them from moving. “There really isn’t a point in defending myself, your highness,” Bob frowned. While he held a strong, what he thought was steady, voice, he was scared. Scared out of his damned mind. “I’m sure you’ve received news of what I’ve been doing across your country, and I can admit that fu-” Bob cleared his throat. “-screwed up. I’ll take whatever punishment you demand; it’s what my parents would’ve wanted from me.” It probably wasn’t a wise idea to curse in front of a ruler.
“I see… If you could go back in time and choose a different path, would you?” Princess Celestia asked.
“I would. I just wanted to get through highschool, but I ended up here, instead, your highness. I wanted to get a job in a town when I first came here, but was chased out for being scary or something,” Bob scratched the back of his head. “Well, I got chased out of every town and city I tried to establish myself in. I’m not a good person, but I’d like to think I’m not a completely horrible, poor excuse of a person. If I could, I would’ve happily earned my pay so I could feed myself without being a criminal…” Bob lowered his head. “I’m a scumbag,” he admitted.
“I would not say that,” the alicorn hummed. “How old are you? I cannot imagine you are that old, judging by your voice, and that you mentioned school.”
Bob looked up at the diarch and tilted his head. “I’m sixteen… I think. I could still be fifteen, but I haven’t exactly thought about how old I am recently. I was more focused on not starving to death.”
“...I see. Well, I have forgiven villains for doing far worse than stealing some food, and you are quite young… I am willing to waive your crimes, if you agree to some terms.” Bob nodded, looking up at the Princess with big eyes. The princess giggled. “I’m surprised you agreed so fast; I didn’t even get to state what I was going to ask of you.”
“...Your highness, I said I would take whatever punishment you throw at me. If you ask me to make it up by working for you, or spend a few years in a prison cell, I’m all for it.”
“Well, I was simply going to have you sent to a little town, to work for my student. I believe she would be ecstatic to be able to study a new creature. You will have to do whatever she, or her friends ask over the course of the next year. Then you can either go home, stay in the town I am sending you to, whichever you would prefer,” the Princess answered with a smile. “By the course of the first three months, you should’ve paid your debt for the food you’ve stolen, and the rest of the time you’re working will be repaying Equestrian society for hurting ponies in the process of stealing that food.”
“As I said, I’ll do what you ask of me, your highness.” Bob finally got to his feet, his legs shaked, but he still bowed to the alicorn. “Thank you,” he sighed. “You’re terrifying,” Bob fell on his butt and let out a sigh in relief.
“Oh?” the Solar Princess tilted her head. “Not many would tell me that to my face.”
“Uh…” Bob raised a finger. “That was rude, sorry,” Bob’s shoulders drooped. “You just seem scary, but I also did a lot of stuff that should piss you off…” Bob got to his feet again. “Well, I supposed there isn’t much of a point in us sitting here. Let’s go get me shipped off to your private student,” he got up to walk behind the Princess.
“While you aren’t one to demand we speed things up, you do bring up a good point. Perhaps you would like some tea to calm your nerves?”
“No thanks, I’ll calm down eventually. So, how are we going to get to your student? By train?” Bob asked. The guards tailed behind him and the Princess.
“I was hoping to simply teleport you and myself to my student’s home in Ponyville. We’re just going to walk back to the train station so you can apologize to the ponies you were just about to steal from.” With that, the group kept on walking. At one point, Princess Celestia had summoned a scroll and a quill, wrote something down and it whisked away in the usual golden aura that accompanied her use of magic. “Now Twilight has some time to prepare while we walk… So, Bob, tell me more about yourself. Your name cannot possibly be Bob, can it?” She asked, a small smile formed on her face as her voice went from ‘monarch mode’ to ‘motherly mode’. The Princess was hoping she could at least help calm down the teen a little with some small talk. The human’s legs were still somewhat shaky, and even though Celestia has no experience with human body language, even she could tell that Bob was still a bit jumpy. His eyes would dart to and fro, and he would jump when a guard accidentally stepped on a branch.
“It’s actually Bob, your highness. Well, it’s what I prefer to go by, since my actual name is Richard. I would rather you call me Bob than the other nickname people give to people named Richard.”
“You humans share names?” Celestia asked. “Would that not get confusing?”
“It does, sometimes, but most people tend to have two or three parts to their name. The first part’s used more commonly, or a first name. Mine’s Richard, or Bob, and then I just have a last name. That way it at least separates me from the millions of other people named Bob or Richard. It’s not a full proof system when there’s a population on your planet of a few billion people, but it works,” Bob shrugged.
“So, what is the other name for humans named Richard?” The Princess asked.
Bob shrugged. “Dick. I dunno how, dunno why it’s like that, but whoever invented the English language is also an idiot.” Celestia actually giggled. She took a look at Bob, despite her efforts, and how Bob was making a few jokes, he was still a bit jumpy. It wasn’t too entirely unexpected, Bob was living in the wilderness for a year, and was being hunted down by ponies for the last few months, and had finally been captured a few moments ago. “So, why are you so… nice? If I were doing what I was doing back home, I’d be facing at least a few years in jail just for stealing all the food. For assaulting several people along with that, and I’d be facing life or even a death penalty.”
“I am a firm believer in second chances. I know you’re remorseful and you are quite young,” Celestia hummed, looking the human up and down. “I also am not fond of sending a child to a life of confinement, or death for simply trying to live in a country where my subjects wouldn’t even give them the chance to live.” The train station loomed near. “Now, we are about to approach the stallions you were just about to steal from and possibly hurt while defending yourself. I would like it if you apologized to them.” Bob nodded, and was promptly escorted by a couple of guards up to the workers. While the workers clearly were not excited to be speaking with the human, Bob extended a hand out, likely after telling the boss that he was sorry judging from how he couldn’t look the stallion in the eyes initially. Both man and pony shook hands, before Bob was escorted back over to Celestia.
“Okay… I’m ready to be… teleported. You ponies can do that?” Instead of giving Bob a vocal answer, Celestia’s horn lit up, and the two of them were zapped up in a golden flash of magic. For Bob, it was like all reality disappeared in a blip. In another blip, reality was back in view. Celestia and Bob were standing side by side, in front of a tree with a door in it. There was a balcony. A few windows were scattered here and there. Bob’s eyes widened; it was a literal tree house… Library judging by the sign that read ‘Golden Oaks Library’. “Huh…” Bob pointed at Celestia. “You know, some humans would kill for the ability to teleport. We mostly rely on technology and none of it can teleport even a piece of dirt somewhere.”
“Really now? Do you not have magic where you are from?”
“...Magic? Oh, so that’s what some unicorns shot at me around my first month of being in… Equestria?” Celestia nodded. “Well, let’s meet my warden, I guess.”
“I wouldn’t say that, by the end of this month, I guarantee you will be seeing Twilight Sparkle, my student, as a friend rather than a warden. And she will be more than happy to become friends with you.” Celestia then walked right up to the library, with Bob at her heels, and knocked on the door. It sounded like a zoo was going on inside, before everything went silent. Slowly the door opened up and a purple pony stuck her head out. She has a violet mane with a pink line going down it. A horn protruded from the unicorn’s forehead and poked through her mane. Bob couldn’t make out the rest of the pony’s details, as most of her body was concealed by the library. Her face was one that could only be described as manic induced panic that was present after a short bow. “Ah, Princess Celestia! You came earlier than I expected! Can I get you anything?” The unicorn hadn’t even noticed Bob yet.
“Some tea would be nice. I’m sure you’ve read the letter I sent you?” The three of them walked inside. Only when Bob sat down at the table, did Twilight Sparkle even notice him. A cup of tea was poured for every creature present at the table.
“Of course Princess! I’m looking after Bob for the next… year, right?” She asked. “And me and my friends will be giving him various tasks and jobs, right?” Celestia nodded as she took a sip of her tea. Twilight finally turned her attention to Bob. “So you’re that thing that everypony said was stealing food from trains… You are way smaller than I thought you’d be. You don’t even look like a sasquatch!” Twilight blushed, remembering that her mentor and Princess was still in the room. She nervously laughed. “I sent Spike out to gather my friends, so they all should be coming soon, Princess.”
“Good, then I shall allow you to take care of the situation from here. I must head back to Canterlot, to make an announcement about Bob’s capture, and to confirm that he does exist.” With that Celestia finished off her tea before getting up to leave the library. Soon, it was just Bob and Twilight, sitting and silently staring at each other.
“So…” Twilight broke the silence. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, what’s your name?”
“Bob,” the human said, before draining his cup of tea. Twilight then spent the next three minutes trying to start a conversation or some form of small talk, but Bob seemed to only give short, though polite answers in a monotone voice that lacked any emotion put behind it. It was clear that he wasn’t comfortable being in the library, until Twilight asked about where Bob came from. Bob went silent, staring down into his empty cup. “Planet Earth. At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m not on Earth anymore. I don’t know how I’m getting back there, Twilight, and I don’t know if I can even be sent back after I serve my due.” Bob leaned back slightly. “Let’s not talk about my home, alright? I’m still missing the people I’ve been forced to leave behind for no reason.”
“I-I… I didn't mean to upset you-”
“Just drop it Twilight. It’s best that we just move on; I’ll tell you about my home once I’ve grown comfortable in probably never seeing it again.” Bob leaned forward. “Since I’ve been silent the whole time, what’s up with you ponies? I never got much of a… good look. I always end up running from them or trying to not get killed by one while stealing food. I’ve seen ponies with wings, horns, neither, or both with Princess Celestia.” Twilight perked up at Bob’s sudden interests in at least learning about Equestria and its residence… right for the door to open up. Soon, a purple little lizard, in Bob’s eyes, walked in while trailed by five other ponies.
Bob sat silently, holding the empty cup like it was still full, he faked a sip as each of the five ponies stared at him and whispered to each other. “So Twilight,” he lowered his cup. “Is it too late to just get thrown in a dungeon, or be beheaded?” he said behind a poker face. What he wanted to do was jump out of a nearby window and simply run; the looks he was getting from the orange, wingless, hornless pony that was wearing a cowboy hat. Nor was he enjoying the whispers. Or the other looks he was getting.
“So, that’s the thing that’s been ‘terrorizing’ Equestria?” A cyan, rainbow maned pegasus asked. “It doesn’t look too tough. How’d it take four months to capture this thing?” She was now up in Bob’s face, sizing him up. Bob remained aloof, sipping on an empty cup, just staring dead in her eyes. Occasionally his eyes would dart to the door, waiting for an opening to either flee, or to the other ponies in the room, or even the lizard. Overall… Things weren’t looking pretty.
“Yet it stole at least four hundred of my family’s apples over the last year,” the orange one said, glaring at Bob. The human’s poker face faltered for a moment. “Nopony transporting those apples, nor none of my family were hurt by it, but the point still stands. It’s simply a pest.” Her glare at the human didn’t falter for a second.
“I would’ve paid for those apples,” Bob said. “But the moment any one of you ponies saw me in town, y’all would panic and chase me out or fling beams of whatever the shit, out of your horns if you had a horn,” he lifted up his tattered shirt, revealing every single scar he had gained throughout the year. “I’ve been zapped with lightning-like ‘magic’, other types of magic, tackled, kicked, and all that fun stuff. I’ve had arrows shot my way before, too. All I wanted was to either get some food, peacefully, or somehow integrate into pony society and possibly go home,” Bob let the shirt drop, even though it did little to hide his injuries. “Since that didn’t happen, here I am, the horrible, worthless piece of scum!” Bob’s voice never broke from its monotonality once. Bob put his hand on Rainbow’s nose and pushed her back slightly. “Get out of my face, please… I’m going to call you Skittles unless you got a name,” Bob stood up, taking Twilight’s empty cup, his own, and the tea pot that was also empty. “I’m gonna go ahead and wash these, while you six chat or whatever.”
Bob walked into the kitchen before anyone could stop him, there was not so silent muttering about how to work the sink, before a small ‘a-hah!’ Everypony and the dragon in the room turned to Twilight. “So, we have to basically watch that thing?” Rarity asked. “Its choice in clothing is atrocious!”
“Of course, that’s the first thing that comes to your mind,” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. She couldn’t get how anypony would ever be scared of that hairless ape. “I’m just surprised at how… emotionless it seems. It’s almost like it isn’t alive. His voice was the same, never changing, whatever you call that.”
“Monotone,” Twilight said. “Bob doesn’t seem like one for showing a lot of emotion.”
“Ah, son of a bitch,” Bob’s voice was audible from the kitchen. It made Twilight flinch, for one, Bob didn’t seem like one to watch his language, and secondly… There was emotion in the voice, frustration. Immediately, all six ponies and dragon dropped the conversation and rushed into the kitchen. Bob was staring at the inside of the tea pot, the two mugs were pristinely clean and put in a drying rack. Bob slowly looked up at Twilight. “Sorry about that, I just noticed that you don’t have a bottle brush lying around.” Bob shrugged before trying to stick his hand in the kettle. “And uh, my hand’s a bit too big.” His voice, as per usual, was back to its monotone state. Bob looked around the kitchen before finding a pair of small tongs. He then squeezed them and wrapped a towel around them. After putting a bit of soap on, he stuck the tongs in and let go.
After a few moments of wiggling the tongs around in the pot, Bob pulled them out to reveal a dirty towel and a thoroughly cleaned kettle. Soon, the tongs were cleaned and placed in the drying rack with the rest of the tea set. “Want me to clean anything else? Should I do something else?” Bob asked.
“How about we all sit down and chat over lunch? I’m sure you’re hungry,” Twilight offered with a smile. Hopefully being nice will bring the strange creature out of his shell. For now, questions pertaining to who Bob was, and studying what he was could wait. Bob shook his head.
“I lost my appetite after the Princess scared my skeleton out of my body.” Bob’s stomach growled.
“That’s the telltale sign of somepony being hungry, or something,” Apple Jack plainly said. “Whaddya eat anyways? Ponies, bread and apples?”
“Horses don't sound like they would taste good, especially ones that are as intelligent as I am, and are sentient. I’m a piece of filth, but even I have morals, Tangerine,” Bob said nonchalantly. “Something other than bread, or an apple, would be nice…” Bob shook his head. “I’m not gonna eat lunch though, given that I used to steal food, I don’t think I deserve a meal; I should have to earn it.”
Twilight tilted her head. “Would… you eat if I said you earned lunch for cleaning those dishes?” Bob shook his head. “Bob, just eat lunch with me and my friends. I’d rather you not starve to death in my home when you have access to plenty of food.” Bob stared blankly at Twilight, reading her face, before sighing. Twilight just had that ‘don’t argue against this and do it’ look on her face.
“Alright,” Bob immediately tried to help Spike, who said he’d get some sandwiches made, but was dragged out of the kitchen by Twilight. They all sat around a table, one far larger than the one that Bob and Twilight were having some tea at, that looked like it was designed to accommodate a group of this size. Bob folded his legs and was luckily planted between the two pegasi of the group, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy on his right and left respectively. Bob noted how while one was outgoing and a bit airheaded, that one being the Skittles, and the other was not very outgoing and pretty much trying to scoot as far away from him as she without disturbing the orange earth pony to her left.
“Um… can I switch spots with somepony?” Fluttershy asked.
“Hey now, I’m not that scary. I mean, if you deem humans a threat, you’d be right, and also wrong. Y’all have vending machines, right?” Twilight nodded.
“We do, why do you ask?”
An actual smile formed on Bob’s face as if he enjoyed telling the fun little blunders of his race. “Humans have those too, and over the years since we’ve invented vending machines, at least thirty eight of us have gotten killed by vending machines. A hundred more hurt themselves with them. We can be mean and dangerous like any other species on the planet, but we find some stupid ways to get ourselves killed. For instance, I decided to be dumb and be the poor, unlucky bastard that ended up in a land full of magic horses, and another dude decided to listen to every single song that Justin Bieber has made, without that asshat using autotune.” Bob chuckled despite knowing nobody at the table knew who that was, a rare instance of emotion anyone at the table has seen on the human. “Look, if you think I’m scary… what’s your name?” His voice softened, like he was trying to coax a stray cat out of its hiding place.
“Fluttershy,” the cream colored pegasus said quietly, she slowly looked up, as if she was coming out from behind her pink, fluffy mane that did cover her face up slightly.
“I can go sit outside or something if I’m making you uncomfortable.”
Fluttershy actually scooted a bit closer this time. “Well, you’re not as scary as the stories make you out to be. I think you’re kinda nice,” she said. Bob raised a hand, before planting it on the pegasus’s head. She ‘eeped’ only for her to stop and lean into the hand as ruffled her mane and scratched her forehead. “Oh, this is nice,” she let out a relaxed sigh. A small smile formed on Bob’s face, before he took his hand off. Fluttershy grabbed his hand with her mouth, much like a dog would, and managed to work the hand back onto her head. It made Bob’s smile grow a little.
“Lunch is ready!” Spike announced, setting a big ol’ plate of sandwiches in the center of the round table, before taking his own seat with a bowl full of gems. Bob stopped petting Fluttershy so he could grab a sandwich after everyone else got theirs. He was about to take a bite before noticing something somewhat important. He stopped and pulled the two pieces of bread apart, before slumping slightly. There were dandelions in the sandwich! There was tomato, lettuce, and then dandelions! And they were white, so all the seeds got stuck in the other bits of the sandwich. Bob stared at it before silently putting it back together and putting it in front of Rainbow Dash without her noticing. The pegasus quickly scarfed that one down, and Bob sat quietly while everyone else chatted and enjoyed their food.
This was going to be a long year in Equestria.
Soon, Fluttershy had her fill, and had decided to use Bob’s lap as a cushion. She happily sat in it, while Bob was more than happy to scratch her back. “Fluttershy, you’re sittin’ in the lap of a predator,” Apple Jack’s gaze locked onto the pegasus.
“I don’t think Bob would hurt me, Apple Jack, he seems nice enough. He just got put in a bad situation.”
“I just don’t like that he's treating you like an animal, Fluttershy.” Apple Jack said.
“Hey, she’s the one who keeps side-eying me when I stop petting her.”Bob argued. “I don’t mind, she’s soft and fluffy, and if she likes it, who am I to argue? I’m not a sentient creature with my own will,” Bob said sarcastically. His stomach was still rumbling a bit at the sight of food I couldn’t eat.
“And don’t think I didn’t notice you not eating anything, mister,” Fluttershy spun around, while glaring at Bob, but not a mean one. It’s more like the one your mother would give you for not eating your green beans. “I’m taking you home and I am going to make you a meal that you can actually eat.” Before Bob could respond, the pegasus got up, headbutted his gut, and he found himself laying across Fluttershy’s back. He was promptly carried out of the library and towards Fluttershy’s home where she cooked him some fish.
Bob made a mental note to not accidentally anger Fluttershy, despite how quiet and shy she normally is, you wouldn’t think she has a strong left hook. She does have a damn strong headbutt, though.
Bob was woken up by a Twilight Sparkle, who wanted to ‘get the day started early’. Of course, Bob woke up pretty quickly when he heard something tumble down the stairs, which was accompanied with a bunch of grunts and ‘oof’s and ‘ows’ from the purple unicorn. In a heartbeat, he was out of his bed and was making his way downstairs. Low and behold, Twilight was laying on the floor, at the bottom, while rubbing her head. She was still laying on her belly, and groaning. “Are you alright?” Bob stepped around the unicorn, and sat down beside her.
“Yeah, I just went down the stairs a little too quickly; I’m just so excited to introduce you to the rest of Ponyville that I didn’t watch my steps on the way down.” The unicorn groaned, and was promptly pulled onto the human’s lap. “I’ll be fine though, go brush your teeth and take a shower…” The human’s fingers pressed against the side of Twilight’s head, and they started rubbing. “Oh, this feels nice,” she sighed as Bob moved onto rubbing her neck and petting her. “How did you end up being a criminal again?” Twilight asked.
“I couldn’t get food legally,” Bob said flatly. “I might be a scumbag, but I try to be a decent human being. I may not go to heaven when I die, but I want God to hesitate before he throws me into hell.” Bob chuckled at that joke. Twilight didn’t get it, though.
“I don’t know what that is, so I’m probably going to ask you what that is later. However, the first thing we’re doing,” Twilight said. “After you’re done scratching my neck, of course,” she sighed and leaned into it. “First, I’ll ask you a bunch of questions about what you are, who you are, and what your race does. Next, I’ll take you on a tour around Ponyville, and then we’ll get you on your first job. Maybe even get you enrolled in a school since I think you’ll need an education.” Bob tilted his head and stopped scratching. “I mean, you seem and act a bit barbaric.”
“...I was halfway through highschool before I ended up in Equestria, I know how to do algebra, geometry, I can read and write. I just look barbaric.” Bob quickly moved Twilight off of his lap before turning to go upstairs and do what Twilight asked, which was brush his teeth and shower. Twilight got to her hooves and stared upstairs until she heard the bathroom door close, and the usage of a shower and sink followed shortly afterwards. From somewhat friendly and caring about Twilight, to quickly brushing her aside after she talked about getting him an education. How could that have happened? Twilight shook her head. There was more to learning about whatever Bob was than she would have thought. Bob came downstairs shortly after the shower had turned off. The transformation could not be more different than night and day.
While Bob had forgotten his shirt, as it was only held together by a thread, his pants held up. Bob’s black, previously messy hair was straightened out, his face was considerably less greasy looking, and he overall, looked far better than he had a moment ago. He also smelled better. Though, thanks to the lack of his shirt, every single scar, burn, and scratch on his body was plain for the world to see. Spike, who had already finished breakfast, and was sitting at the dining table sat there with his mouth hanging open; the baby dragon was at a loss for words. Twilight… felt bad for the human. Sure, he may have done a lot to earn those scars, such as hurting ponies, but that was done out of survival. And it looks like Bob was worse off.
As he walked past the unicorn, Twilight could notice a specific burn that looked older than the rest. It was riddled and layered with even more scars, but it was a singular, healed burn. Square in the back, right between Bob’s shoulder blades was a burn from a lightning spell that she knew of.
Bob sat down at the table, and started eating his plate of pancakes like nothing was wrong. “So, you were gonna give me a questionnaire?” He asked after quickly scarfing down his portion. In the center of the table, pancakes were stacked high, Bob eyed them for a moment before slumping over and laying his eyes on the unicorn that was now sitting across from him. Spike scooted a little closer to Bob.
“Uh… yeah, I was hoping to go over them while we ate… if you’re still hungry, you can help yourself to some more food. We had extra pancakes made because I thought you’d be a little hungry from barely eating anything.”
“I’m good; I don’t want to be a burden and waste extra food. Trust me, I’m just happy to not be eating bread, overcooked fish, or undercooked fish. Oh boy, that last one sure did give me the runs,” Bob chuckled. His monotone voice had been dropped for one that sounded… more like the teenager he was. “So, what’s the first question?” He asked. He rested his head on his palm.
“What was the first thing you did when you came to Equestria?”
“Walk into a town, get bewildered by talking ponies, and then pet… what’s a female, baby horse? A filly?” Twilight nodded. “Yeah, I petted a filly and she climbed up into my lap. The next thing that happens is her dad, along with a mob of ponies that heard the yelling, chased me out of town. Then I walked into the middle of nowhere… to find another town. I asked if I could work for an apple, or food, or almost did until somebody shot me in the leg with a crossbow. That was fun,” Bob leaned back and took a deep breath. “That filly was a sweetheart; as soon as I started petting her, she demanded more and gave me puppy eyes.” Bob sighed. “Seriously, if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve nearly died several times at the hands of ponies, I’d consider y’all adorable.” Bob pointed at Twilight’s horn.
“I am terrified of you, even if I’m not showing it. I’m scared of what that horn can do; I’ve seen what magic can do to me, and I’ve probably only been hit with rudimentary spells. You, you’re a student under Celestia, and I can assume that a Princess would know a thing or two thousand things about magic. That said, you probably know just as much. You could literally dismantle me, study every organ and bone in my body, and put me back together before I could even blink. And I wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop you.” Bob grimaced. “It’s like wanting to boop a wolf on the nose, but knowing you’ll get your hand bitten off if you try.”
The rest of the questions were pretty basic, what Bob eats, Twilight already hazarded a guess that meat was something Bob could eat, judging by the canines and serrated teeth in Bob’s mouth. That wasn’t too bad, since ponies often ended up taking protein supplements, or having some fish everyday to make up for the fact that most of the food they ate contained next to no protein. Even Hayburger’s All’round offered a fish or bean substitute instead of the usual hay patty. Other stuff like biology, what Bob’s race was, how Bob’s race was as dominant as it was. To things such as age, the differences in females, and all a bunch of other things. Halfway through, Bob slowly reverted back into his boring, monotone, deep voice. As soon as it was Eleven in the morning, Twilight stashed away her questionnaire and the journal she was writing in, and proceeded to lead Bob out into Ponyville to introduce him to the town.
At a meeting that she and Mayor Mare had helped put together.
Bob was sitting perfectly still, arms crossed, and pokerfaced. Mayor Mare came up and gave a speech about accepting who the human was, while explaining what the human has done to wind up in Ponyville. Twilight went up and gave a speech about how excited she is to integrate Bob into pony society and all that fun stuff. She called him a barbarian again, which made Bob chuckle; he is going to probably hate living with this unicorn. Of course, Bob was sent out on stage so he could give his own speech. He walked up to the stand and took a deep breath. On the stand, just below the microphone, was a speech that Twilight probably wanted him to read out loud.
Bob chose to not read it. “Howdy howdy, I’m Bob, or the thing that everyone was trying to capture for the last year. I’m a bit fortunate, with how Princess Celestia didn’t immediately kill me upon seeing me, and I hope to make up for all the terrible stuff I’ve done. I probably won’t be able to, but I’ll try.” Bob cleared his throat. “Judging from the stink eyes and glares I’m getting, I’m sure everybody’s down to welcome me with open arms.” Bob humorlessly chuckled. “I’m going to get down from the stage now,” Bob quickly got away from the stage and down the steps leading up to that stage. Bob looked Twilight in the eye. “Never have me do public speeches again.”
“It would’ve been fine if you read out the speech I wrote out for you,” Twilight hissed.
“And do a lot of ass kissing? The only thing keeping me from getting chased out of town right now is the fact that you’re my warden. Nobody in that crowd would wanna put up with me, you’re just tolerating me, and so are your friends. Apple Jack downright doesn’t like me, for good reason. Nothing, not a single, fucking thing will make anyone in that crowd not hate me. I’m already a freak in their eyes, and then I’m a wanted criminal getting a free pass for doing horrible shit. Your speech wouldn’t have helped me, Twilight.” Bob’s shoulders slumped. “Just give me menial tasks, hard labor, something. Because that’s the only thing I can really do; I gotta do what you and your friends say, it’s my punishment.”
“You won’t be able to get anypony to like you if you don’t try and show them you aren’t a horrible pony, Bob,” Twilight argued.
Bob ignored what she had said, taking a deep, long breath. It was not worth arguing with Twilight. “So what’s next on your little schedule?”
“Well, I was going to have you taken to Rarity so you can help her try out some biped designs she was going to try out. But I suppose you would rather work on Apple Jack’s farm first,” she almost growled.
The two of them started walking out of town. At first, Bob was confused, but could see rows, and rows, and rows of apple trees slowly growing in the distance. The human almost smiled at the idea of walking into an orchard; he always wanted to go to one of these, but never had the chance… And he was supposed to work on it. Well, everything had a silver lining, he supposed. Upon reaching the entrance, he was plowed to the ground by… “Watch out!” a little kid’s voice called out a little too late. Bob grunted and rubbed his butt. On the ground before him was a scooter with a wagon stuck to it, and next to that were two fillies. “Who did we hit this time?” The yellow one said. She had a red, almost auburn mane and tail, with a huge, pink bow holding it in place. Next to her was an orange pegasus filly with a pinkish, purple mane.
“Where’s Sweetie… Belle?” The pegasus asked. Bob then noticed a weight in his lap, one that wasn’t too unlike a German Shepherd that didn’t know how big it was. He looked down to see a white unicorn, she had a light purple mane and tail with a light, pink stripe going through it. She was laying on her back, in his lap. She was still a tiny bit out of it, and her eyes were going in circles, like a dazed cartoon character that just got hit upside the head with an anvil. Out of the three fillies, the unicorn in his lap looked absolutely adorable. The two other fillies looked up at him and slowly gasped in horror as they realized where their friend had ended up.
Sweetie Belle quickly shook her head, and gasped after her eyes laid upon Bob. “It’s a… You’re a weird looking pony,” she tilted her head. “Actually, you don’t look like a pony, what are you?”
“I’m what’s known as a Bob,” Bob chuckled as the filly looked up at him with a mixture of confusion and curiosity that just made the filly look even cuter. The human reached down and started rubbing Sweetie Belle’s belly, which was a shock at first, but was soon fully welcomed by the young unicorn. “I still can’t get over how cute foals are,” Bob almost stopped, only for the filly to grab his hand and pull it back down onto her belly. Twilight simply sat there, tapping her hoof as Bob actively ruined her schedule twice. The speech was supposed to last until twelve, and then they’d stop at Rarity’s boutique to get Bob some new clothes, but no, Bob had to make a two minute long speech. So when Twilight’s backup schedule came into play, Bob was ruining that too! By playing with a filly!
At least Bob was nice to the foals.
After seeing how well their friend was being treated by the new, strange creature, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo trotted up, and soon Bob was sitting with a huge grin on his face as three fillies tried to get his attention. One would successfully get three seconds of a belly rub or ear scratch, only for another to knock that one out of the way and get a few seconds of attention before getting pushed aside as well. Bob started to laugh as the Cutie Mark Crusaders quickly made an acquaintance with him. “I guess I have three new friends?” Bob said with an awkward smile to Twilight. “Uh… Sorry for messing up with your schedule so much…” Bob yelped when Scootaloo climbed up on his head, and actually laid there. “Shi…oot. Now I can’t move,” Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle had settled down in his lap.
Not even Twilight could stay mad after seeing that.
“We should keep this thing!” Scootaloo said.
“Hey now, I’m a person… pony,” I said.
“Yeah, but you’re our person-pony now!” Sweetie Belle giggled as Bob immediately rubbed her chin.
“Apple Bloom, you and your friends best get away from that thing!” Bob slumped over slightly. The Crusaders groaned and asked why. Apple Jack told them about how the resident human had hurt ponies in the past. How Bob stole from Sweet Apple Acre Apples, and a myriad of other things that weren’t true, such as Bob making them comfortable before he eats them or something else equally as horrible. With each reason, the fillies shivered a little, and Bob slumped over even more. By the time she was done, Bob looked borderline depressed, while the two fillies in his lap were shivering, and Scootaloo, who was still on Bob’s head, looked equally as scared, but wasn’t shaking as much.
Bob pulled the Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle closer, and they started whimpering into his stomach. “I wouldn’t want to eat a filly,” he said firmly. “I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if I were to even kill a kid, Apple Jack.” Scootaloo slid off his head and crawled onto Bob’s lap for ‘protection’ from the scary human. “Are you three alright?” He asked.
“You won’t let a human eat us, right?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“I am a human kid. If you wanna run, or whatever, away from the filly eating, barbaric monster that is me, I wouldn’t blame ya.” Bob sighed. “I was hoping to at least make some friends while I atone for doing what I did and being what I am.” He rubbed the back of Scootaloo’s head. “I’ll be upfront and say I probably did steal some apples from Sweet Apple Acres, I definitely stole a lot of food and have hurt some ponies… The thing is, I didn’t enjoy doing any of those things. I would much, much rather sit around, under a tree, read a book or something,” Bob leaned back and moved his arms. “Just go kids, don’t wanna gather any more ire from sweet, sweet Apple Jack, do we?”
Sweetie Belle spoke up. “But… you’re not a monster! You’re being nice to us.”
“Eh, potato, patahto, humans are awful. Trust me, as a human, I can say that there are far, far worse individuals than I.” Bob moved the Crusaders off of his lap, before standing up. “So, how am I going to slave the day away, dear Apple Jack?”
“I was going to have you empty out the cellar, it’s almost autumn, and by extension, almost cider season. I need a place to store all that cider, so you’ll be saving me the trouble of clearing it out,” she snapped. Bob nodded, getting to his feet, and passing by the crusaders, and started following the farm mare towards the back of the house.
The main house was huge, almost as big as the big, red barn next to it. It was pretty rustic, and seemed like the barn was actually built into the main part of the house. Despite how massive it was… it seemed cozy. Upon being led down into the cellar, Bob could tell… It was huge, it was a mess, and there was a bunch of junk lying around. Twilight, having dropped Bob off, agreed to come pick him up in eight hours. Those eight hours would go towards Bob’s required community service, apparently.
“Anything you find that looks like junk, put it in one pile, and anything that looks like it can still be used, put it in another pile. I suppose you can keep whatever you deem as junk, since you’ll probably steal what you fancy anyways, but whatever you don’t keep will be burnt. I won’t make you move all of the junk to the junk pile. Any questions?” Bob shook his head. Apple Jack started making her way out of the cellar. “By the way, if my little sister and her friends come to see you, you best not touch them again, ya hear?”
“Because I’ll hurt them?”
“I’m afraid you will; just like you hurt all those other ponies.” Apple Jack growled before finally making her leave.
Bob shrugged and started for the first pile of junk. There was a bunch of old, broken tools, planks, and all that fun stuff. He siphoned through the junk, before finding an old sled. He immediately started piling stuff onto it. As soon as the sled was full, he brought it to the latter and started halling it all up the latter. Soon, there was a pile with a bunch of broken nails, wooden boards, and even a few broken pieces of an oven.
Another pile had a perfectly pristine box of tools, a few buckets, and… that was it.
Bob rinsed and repeated this process for the next few hours. Fill the sled up with stuff, pull it to the latter, bring the stuff up and sort it out. Eventually, Bob found an old guitar, which looked like it hadn’t seen the sun in years. The strings were in pristine condition, and still sounded fine… Bob smiled slightly, before setting it besides the latter. He’s sure he could keep that; nobody would notice, right?
Another hour in, and Bob found a whole oven, probably the one all the broken parts of an oven were from. He scratched his head, wondering how he was going to carry such a large oven out on his own. Luckily, it seemed small and basic, so it would probably be able to be put on the sled to be dragged out. “Bob, are you still working?” Apple Jack called from the entrance of the cellar.
“Yeah, I’m just figuring out how to move-“ Apple Jack came down into the cellar.
“I must say, despite my earlier reservations, you sure do work quickly,” she looked around. “you cleared most of the cellar out already; I’m impressed. I’d say that you earned a lunch,” Bob walked over to Apple Jack. She expected him to stop and take her offer for lunch, but he went up the ladder and came back down with a screwdriver from the junk pile.
After looking over the oven, Bob started to dismantle it, putting each part on the sled when he managed to get another piece off. Bob then dragged the sled over and moved each piece up the ladder and onto the junk pile. “Hey, you should…” Bob stopped.
“Take a break?” He asked, having grabbed an old piece of a pot. “Thought you didn’t like me enough to consider giving me a break.”
Apple jack rubbed the back of her head. “Look, maybe I…”
“You still don’t like me, that’s cool. If I take a break, I’m not gonna sit with you or your family. You clearly don’t want me anywhere near them,” Bob grabbed the old guitar by the ladder. “You won’t miss this thing, right?”
“…No, nopony even knew that guitar was down here.”
“Cool, because this is the one thing I’m choosing to keep.”
“You… you can play the guitar?” AJ asked.
“I was in band class while growing up, and I played in an actual indie band. Granted, it was a one man band, but if you gave me something to record with, I can play an entire song by myself… Eventually. I was never good at making music; it was more of a hobby than a career choice.” Bob strummed the guitar. “Playing an acoustic guitar can’t be too different from an electric one, right?” Bob strummed it again. He then chuckled. “You probably want me to shut the fuck up and keep working, don’t ya?”
“I want you to get out of this cellar and eat something. As much as I don’t like you, I know you need a break.” Apple Jack snorted when Bob got back to work. “Are you even listening?”
“Is lunch ready?” Bob asked. Apple Jack shook her head. “Then I’m going to keep working until lunch is ready.”
“Look, I know Twilight and the rest of our friends are going to be joining us for lunch, since they want to get to know you a bit better, and because we were planning on doing this anyways with, or without you.” Bob stared at Apple Jack for a few moments. “What?”
“I think the only one of you guys that would genuinely be nice to me is Fluttershy, and I don’t know about Pinkie Pie since she hasn’t spoken a word to me since I came into town yesterday. The rest of you put up with me, and Twilight tolerates me because she has to house and feed me. None of you want me here by the looks of things, and not wanting me here is completely fair.” Bob’s shoulders shagged. “I’ll come along, I guess.” With that, the two of them climbed out of the cellar, Bob grabbed his new guitar and followed AJ not into the house, but out into the fields where a picnic table was set up.
The three Crusaders from earlier were present, so was a big, tall stallion that was fucking huge, and so was Twilight and the rest of her friends. Bob opted to sit in the grass, since the table was too low for him, away from the group and wait for the food to be brought out. There was a portable oven plugged into a generator that was presumably cooking what the group would be eating. Bob could smell it from where he was sitting, and it smelled good… Very applely. He ignored it and started messing with his new possession. The neck was a bit small for his liking, but it worked, played fine, and sounded like it would be good for playing every now and then.
“You can play the guitar?” One of the fillies from earlier, Apple Bloom, walked up to him.
“Apple Bloom, stay away from Bob!” Apple Jack shouted from the table.
“But he ain’t doing nothing! He’s just sitting there, tuning a guitar!” Bob ignored the ensuing argument, turning around and facing away from the group. Eventually, Twilight trotted over to the human, and sat down beside him.
“Can you play a song from your home?” Twilight asked.
Bob shrugged. “I’ve never been exactly good at singing or playing the guitar, it was just a hobby. I know a few songs, but I’ll probably mess up a lot,” he strummed the guitar a couple of times.
“It would be nice to hear you speak, or sing in something other than a monotone voice,” Twilight gave Bob a reassuring smile. Bob just stared at his lap, not even looking at the unicorn.
“Sorry about screwing up your plans so much,” Bob sighed.
“It’s alright, Bob, it’s just a little irritating, but it’s not the end of the world… It’s just a schedule. Even if I really wanted to follow the schedule so you can get new clothes. They’re clearly important to… cover you up in the winter.”
“Sure, let’s go with that, not the other thing they help cover up,” Bob snarked. Twilight blushed a little. “Anyway, this is a song about a great man, one that I, and many others, looked up to.” Bob started playing the guitar . As Bob sang, the chatter from the picnic table stopped, everypony slowly circled Bob as he lost himself in playing his little song. It wasn’t a flawless performance, but Bob’s voice cracked a few times during the last chorus, sometimes he would stutter, but pick himself up almost immediately. As soon as he stopped playing, Bob sighed and leaned back. He set the guitar down with a small smile on his face, only to scan the crowd. “Well, that was awful, so I’m never doing that again.”
Sweetie Bell crawled over to him and tapped his ankle. She quickly grabbed his attention. “Can you play another one, sir?” Bob blinked a couple of times before looking around.
“Well, I’ll be damned…” Apple Jack whispered. “That wasn’t too bad, Bob.”
“Well… shoot. If it were later in the day, and we were all sitting around a campfire, then I’d have the perfect song to play.” Bob shrugged. “Eh, screw it. Here’s a song that my dad loved hearing, one that I’m going to pour all my heart into…” Bob strummed the guitar a couple of times. He screamed like a man that was on fire . Everypony was shocked, except for Rainbow Dash who was rolling around on her back and was laughing. “I know, I know, that was probably the best song you’ve ever heard in your life.” Bob snickered when he noted that three certain fillies were giggling up a storm from his beautiful song.
“Lunch is ready!” Big Mac announced after placing a huge apple pie on the table. While everyone else went off to get their food, Apple Jack stayed behind with Bob in the grass.
“You know,” she said, placing a hoof on Bob’s lap. “You really aren’t that bad… Sorry about being so judgemental, but-”
“I stole from you at some point and hurt people, I know. It’s chill; just treat me like a person and we’ll get along. I’m here to try and right my wrongs, not make enemies,” Bob offered his hand. “Let’s just be pals, alright?” Apple Jack took his hand and shook it. In fact, she shook it so hard that when she was done, Bob’s arm was still going up and down. “Jeez, talk about enthusiasm,” the two of them chuckled. He reached under Apple Jack’s jaw, only for her to stop his hand.
“Hold it there, partner,” Apple Jack started.
“I was just gonna scratch your jaw; that’s how humans usually show affection to things covered in fur.”
“I also don’t like being treated like an animal, so… please don’t do that. I know Fluttershy likes being scratched, and someday I might ask to get scratched, but not today.” Bob shrugged.
“Eh, that’s fair. You ponies are stupidly cute, and it’s a bit unfair… You won’t yell at me for scratching your sister’s jaw like you did earlier, right?”
“If she lets you, then it’s fine by me, I shoulda known from the getgo that you weren’t going to hurt her or her friends, with how you were comforting them earlier.” she rubbed the back of her head. The two of them nodded to each other before joining the rest of the group. After about six or seven minutes of Pinkie showing a graph to her, he gave her a belly rub. Pinkie’s graph was accurate, in that both pony and human felt way better during and after the belly rub.
It had been nearly a week since Bob had first come to Ponyville. His time was mostly spent working for Apple Jack, or doing tasks for Twilight or her friends. Sometimes he’d be allowed to just stay home… if he foalsat the Cutie Mark Crusaders for the day. Of course, Bob was more than willing to oblige for that one day of the week where he just played the Crusaders and kept them from burning the library down. Twilight would give Bob questionnaires everyday, so she could better understand him, as she said. Whenever Bob had free time, he would play the guitar that he got on Apple Jack’s farm. One day, out of the week though, he had to go to Rarity’s place for the day.
Bob was holding perfectly still as Rarity was testing a smaller version of a shirt that the fashionista said she’d sell to minotaurs. She also had the human try out six or seven pairs of pants, which ranged from sweatpants to basketball shorts. She made tank tops, t-shirts, dress shirts, and even a baseball cap. Bob, despite his own reservations, held still and did as the unicorn asked… Mostly out of fear. He expected to get zapped by a spell if he didn’t. Also because Sweetie Belle was there. So, once he was told that he was allowed to keep all the clothes he had to try on, he stared down at his newly acquired shirts, a hoodie, and pairs of pants in silence.
“Bob? Is something the matter with those clothes? They’re a little less personalized or stylized because those were meant-”
“No. How do I repay you, Rarity? How do I pay you for these clothes? I’m in debt, and I don’t have a job beyond whatever you or your friends choose to give me any day over this year,” his voice cracked.
“Nonsense! You don’t need to pay me back. Think of it like this; you get some hours simply for taking my offer, and then being so compliant despite how much you didn’t enjoy having to hold still for so long. So all these clothes are a bonus-why are you so close, now Bob?” The Bob in question had set his clothes on a nearby stool, and was now towering over the alabaster unicorn. He knelt down so that they were eye to eye, and gave Rarity the biggest hug that he could. Rarity squeaked at the sudden contact, but she didn’t back away.
She had to admit, when Bob started stroking her neck, that it felt good.
“Thank you,” Bob whispered. “If you need me for anything, outside of whatever odd job you want me to do, I’ll be there for you.” They remained like that for a few moments.
“So Rarity, can we keep him?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“I already agreed to letting him foalsit you and your friends should the need ever arise, Sweetie Belle. I still find it hard to believe that…”
“I did what I did?” Bob finally let Rarity go. “Because… I’m not proud of it. I did it because I didn’t wanna die,” he sat down and allowed Sweetie Belle to climb into his lap. “Again, Rarity, if I could, I would’ve rather read a book, practice a new song, just… anything else.” The human leaned back a bit.
“Well, Bob,” Rarity offered a hoof. “I’m sure the two of us being friends wouldn’t be too bad; you could use some, and I can never have enough friends.”
“Can I scratch your back?”
“Well, if I let you, which I probably will. I’ve heard from Fluttershy how nice those paws of yours are for scratching, and I’ve seen first hoof, with Pinkie Pie asking for a belly rub, how good they are at making a mare feel special.” She batted her eyelashes, which made Bob snicker a little.
Bob raised an eyebrow. With how Rarity acts… He was not expecting that. “Rarity, you make it sound like my hands do a thing that I shouldn’t say around little fillies.”
The fashionista smirked. “Well, Bob… Perhaps we should talk in private one day.”
“What the hay are you two talking about?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Politics,” Bob immediately said. “Did you know Celestia has to make a choice on a bill that decides whether or not a tomato is a fruit or vegetable?”
“But it’s a fruit!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. Both Bob and Rarity both giggled behind a hand and hoof.
“I think you and I will get along nicely, Rarity.”
Later that week, Bob was working on Apple Jack’s farm, choosing to only work in his tattered shorts, so as to not get any of his new clothes dirty. Currently, he was struggling to keep up with Apple Jack’s pace, as he had to take baskets of freshly picked apples, and carry them to a cart so they could be sorted into various purposes such as baked goods, to be sold as is, or to be tossed out if there’s a bad apple in the pile. This would be fine if they hadn’t left the wagon at the start of the row they were harvesting. So while Apple Jack could clear three trees in thirty seconds, it took Bob four minutes to grab a basket, walk it all the way over to the wagon, place the basket beside the wagon so they could use it later, and then come back for the next basket.
Basically, the entire row of apple trees were done being harvested, but it was taking Bob forever to move all their produce to the wagon. Apple Jack sat around by the wagon, tapping her hoof while the human was struggling along. “C’mon Bob! Me and Big Mac would’ve been done by now!” She stomped. “What’s taking you so long? It didn’t take you this long to clear out a cellar full of stuff that was heavier than a basket of apples.”
“...I had the sled to make moving all that stuff easier, Apple Jack. I’m a bit of a wimp, a bit lacking in muscle mass and all that. Tell me to do something that involves my brain? I can do that. Ask me to lift weights? I’ll probably crumple over and die. Humans are thinkers, not fighters, and if we do fight, we use things we thought of and made. We don’t go and punch a bear in the face if it’s trying to eat us, no, we shoot that son of a bitch with an assault rifle.” Bob grunted as he turned to finally get to the last twelve baskets of the harvest. As he moved them, Apple Jack got more and more infuriated as it took him a while.
Bob was lifting with his back the whole time, so that was going to definitely hurt later in life. Upon getting the last basket, Bob spun on his heel, only to yelp. “Fu-” Bob stopped himself, before groaning. “Great…” He limped over to Apple Jack, who was looking up. “I got the last basket,” he grunted, before falling to check out his newly aching ankle.
“Well, you got done before lunch at least,” Apple Jack shook her head. “With how slow you were, I don’t even know if I should get you lunch,” she stopped being angry when she saw Bob take off his left shoe to look over his injured foot. “...What in the hay did you get hurt on?” She got closer to look at it. “Why is your ankle bent like that?”
“You telling me to hurry up, made me try and hurry up. I spun with something heavy in my arms and twisted my ankle,” the human grunted. “My entire body hurts like hell, Apple Jack, this is just one extra thing to add to the long list of injuries I’ve picked up while living in a ponies’ world. But as a wise man once said. ‘If you don’t get shot with a handgun, you’ll probably be in debt by a couple thousand dollars, or you’ll hate life.’”
“Who the heck told you that?” Apple Jack asked.
“My Dad after my dog got hit by a bus,” Bob put his shoe on and got to his feet, and nearly fell over, only to stop himself. “So I guess I’ll go back to Twilight’s place if I’m not getting lunch, since I did what you told me to do today, which was to help you get through this row, so you can sell them after lunch.” The human tested his aching foot out and hissed and cringed at the pain. “Mmm, pain. That feels good.” He put the shoe back on and used the nearby wagon to pick himself off the ground.
AJ’s ears perked up as what the human had said finally sunk in. “Ah shoot! Bob, look, I… I didn’t notice just how hard I was pushing you. Let me get you something to eat and we’ll get you checked out at the hospital,” Apple Jack stepped forward and reached out with a hoof, only for the human to take a step back and nearly fall again. “You can barely walk, let me-”
“Let you watch as I limp back to Twilight’s library. I’ll be fine, eventually.” Bob hissed as he braced himself, before letting go of the wagon to do as he had said. His ankle hurt like a motherfucker, but he didn’t want to even look at the farm pony.
“Bob, you need help. Get on my darn back and- Hey! Get back here!”
“So you can berate me for being slow while complaining about wasting lunch on a shitty slave? Face it, Apple Jack, you mainly put up with me and only think I’m not that much of a threat anymore, and I’ll try to get along with you ponies, but I’m really just a slave that’s paying his debt back to you guys. And like with any slave, their owners aren’t too happy when the slave isn’t meeting expectations.” Bob said, never turning back as he started limping towards the gate to the property. “See ya, I guess.” And… Bob’s voice actually cracked a bit, probably the pain, but it sounded as though…Bob did let his shoulders slag as he told her about being nothing more than a slave. She sighed and pulled her hat down.
Upon reaching the library a few hours and falling on his face several times, Bob opened the door and walked in. Twilight, and the rest of her friends, save Apple Jack, were happily chatting around a table over what looked like lunch and a card game. They only noticed him after he closed the door, and had limped over to the couch and dropped onto it. “Hey Bob! Did you eat at Apple Jack’s before coming home?”
“Yeah, her food’s awesome.” Bob lied. “Had a great time working too, got to learn a thing or two about how to harvest apples,” he sighed. “I feel like I got hit by a school bus, though.”
“Why did you limp over to the couch?” Rainbow asked. “Usually that means something’s wrong.”
“I, a city boy, worked on a farm and lifted stuff since the sun rose to twelve in the afternoon, Rainbow. I’m not built for hard labor.”
“Your ankle looks like Mr. Bear’s after he twisted it while catching fish.” Fluttershy commented.
“And you’ve never seen every angle that a human ankle can bend and twist. This is normal,” Bob lied. “So what the heck were you guys doing? Aside from having lunch.” He noted that the plates were entirely clean; they weren't even used.
“We were getting ready to head out, and wanted to wait for you,” Twilight said. “I wanted to make sure you ate something in case you somehow escaped Apple Jack’s hospitality,” Bob chuckled at that. “But it looks like you didn’t.”
“And you all suddenly have plans, as usual, to head out somewhere as soon as I come back from working with one of y’all,” Bob pointed out. “And you take Spike with ya and don’t let me tag along,” he got up. “Well, I’m going to take a shower and wonder why I haven’t hung myself yet, and take a nap or something.”
Twilight’s eyes widened. “Wait, hang yourself?”
“Yeah. Shoulda done that once I realized I’m in a magical, talking horse filled, land.” Bob looked at Twilight’s curious expression. “It’s a term humans use sometimes. Hanging a human by the neck’s a good way to kill them.” The unicorn’s sudden curiosity turned into sudden concern.
“Why do you want to kill yourself?!” She shouted, pinning him back to the couch. “Is something wrong and you didn’t tell me? I told you that you could come to me if you had problems, and I’ll help you with them!” She shouted. “What happened?”
“I was born, that’s a starting point of what went wrong in my life. I’m pretty sure I’ll get killed if I break the terms and conditions of me staying alive in Equestrian borders, so there’s that.” Bob tried to push Twilight off of him, but as it turns out, a miniature horse can be heavy when they want to be. “There’s also a sense of crippling loneliness-”
“We could get you a pet,” Fluttershy suggested.
“...I don’t think I want another pet,” the human shook his head. “Look, let’s just forget that I said I wanna die, and pretend that it never happened… I mean, if I die, what’s one less person in the world?” He asked.
“Bob, that is a terrible line of thinking!” Twilight shouted.
Pinkamina Diane Pie immediately knew what to do, she grabbed Twilight, moved her out the way and crawled into Bob’s lap. “I know how to make you think happy thoughts! C’mon! Rub my belly! I know it makes you happier when you rub a pony’s belly! And it would be super, totally awesome if you did, because then you’d smile!” Bob did as she said and gave a fake smile, before pushing Pinkie off of his lap. She deflated a little. “Bob, are you alright? I know a real smile when I see one, and that was not a real smile.”
The human seemingly ignored the question and was already getting up. “I’m going to go shower. Go enjoy whatever the heck y’all were about to do, and I’ll take care of the dishes while you’re out, Twilight.” Before anyone could protest or stop him, Bob went upstairs to clean himself of all the dirt. The five mares stared up at where Bob had disappeared to, and all began giving each other looks.
“...Maybe we should do something to cheer Bob up,” Twilight said.
“Perhaps we can discuss this over lunch?” Rarity hummed. The five agreed. With that, they all had left, and for a Hayburger. Their musings on what could’ve possibly ruined the human’s mood in a heartbeat, led to solutions. Somewhere, Twilight mentioned how Bob was technically still a child. Rarity brought up how Bob absolutely loved foals, and then it went back to how Bob could use an education if he was going to live with ponies for the next year at the very least. Shortly after, the mares had gotten their food, ate and chatted about other topics and split up for the day.
Twilight made sure to go find Ms. Cherilee to ask about enrolling Bob into school.
The next day, Bob was woken up at the crack of dawn, by an excited, purple unicorn. “Hey,” he said. His usually deep voice was even deeper as his vocal chords got used to being used again. “Did Apple Jack need me to work for her again?” Twilight simply shook her head, her smile never faltered. “Are you happy because Celestia heard of my terrible performance as a slave and demands I get executed?”
“Oh no! Execution is illegal in Equestria. At worst you would get banished… If Celestia didn’t want you to be in the country. I just have a surprise for you!”
“Oh boy. Is it a noose?”
“No, I enrolled you in a school!”
“...What?” Bob started rubbing his eyes, his tired brain not fully comprehending what Twilight had said to him. So, after a quick breakfast, Bob slowly limped, because his foot still hurt a bit, after a purple horse while he groggily tried to make himself less tired with a paper cup full of sugar with some coffee in it.
“So everyday you’re at school it’ll count towards your community service, since I’ll be sending you here everyday. Every Tuesday, Thursday, your afternoons will be spent helping me or one of my friends. This way, you’ll be able to socialize with your classmates and help you make friends! Since today is a Monday, you can have the afternoon off to make friends!” Twilight stopped outside of a fence that had encompassed a fairly large, red building that looked like a generic, red schoolhouse you’d see in a movie that took place when schoolhouses existed.
There was a sizable yard with a bunch of playground equipment, fillies and colts and adult ponies who were dropping those foals off at school for the day. After all the other children went inside the school building, a few stragglers remained, until they were called inside a dark pink mare, who happily greeted Twilight and Bob, despite giving the human a weary look for a brief moment.
“Welcome! Twilight when you said you had a foal you’d like to enroll into my school, I didn’t expect you to want to enroll… your pet human,” she said. “However, if he wants to learn, he can, and is more than welcome at my school as long as he hurts nopony.”
Bob, having finished his coffee and deposited it in a nearby trash can tilted his head. “Why am I being enrolled in school?”
“You’ve got to have some foundation of education, and if nothing else, it’ll help you socialize!” Twilight said with a smile.
“…What if I am allergic to…” Bob sighed. “Nevermind,” he turned to Ms. Cheerilee. “You’re my new teacher, right?” The mare nodded, and backed away slightly when Bob offered his hand. “…Okay then, so much for first impressions,” he shrugged. “I’m sure by the end of the first week we’ll be best friends.” Bob’s voice dragged on ‘best friends’, and it had… a note of sarcasm in there. “I’m sure I’ll be sitting off to the side, away from the rest of class?”
“No. That could harm your education by singling you out!” Cheerilee shook her head. “Look,” she offered her hoof but was shocked when Bob didn’t take it. “Didn’t you want a hoof shake?”
“You didn’t want one five seconds ago,” Bob raised an eyebrow before shrugging. “Are we gonna get the school day over with?” Twilight and Cheerilee dumbly nodded. The unicorn had gone out, likely to go about her day while Cheerilee led Bob inside the building. The amount of whispers and pointing really made Bob grin; he was going to hate this experience.
“Good morning class!” The class droned back a greeting to their teacher. “Today, we have a new student. He’s a bit different, but I hope you all accept him the same! Bob, would you stand in front of the class and introduce yourself… Oh, you already are standing at the front of the class. Introduce yourself, tell us your special talent, if you have one, or what you like doing if you don’t have one yet!” Bob raised an eyebrow before remembering cutie marks… Those marked a specific talent that a pony excelled at from what Twilight Sparkle had said. Bob chuckled slightly; at least Cheerilee was trying to treat him like a normal foal.
Maybe the teacher wasn’t that
“I like playing the guitar, I guess. I can also kinda play the piano and the drums. I can’t have a special talent, since I’m not a pony,” Bob shrugged. “I guess my name is Bob,” he added.
“Oh!” Sweetie Belle raised her hoof from the back of class. “We have a piano in the corner of the room, maybe Bob could play that and show off his special talent?” She asked. She pointed at the back of class to… a piano. Cheerilee hummed. Usually, she would only ever use it to help the class practice for a few songs in an upcoming play that her students were to put on for the town. But if her new student was willing…
“Bob, would you like to show the class your talent? I don’t have a guitar on standby, but I do have the piano.”
“...I guess I can do that.” The mare led her new student around the class, towards the back. All the foals in the room had spun around from their seats to keep their eyes on the strange, new creature. “Say, I heard Twilight telling me about a holiday that’s coming up, something called Nightmare Night…” Bob chuckled. “I suppose… I can play something to fit the theme of the upcoming holiday. This is a tale of a ghost ship, the one they call The Shadow .” Bob’s performance, once again, like when he sang from Twilight and her friends during their little picnic, wasn’t perfect. His voice cracked here and there, stuttered a couple of times, but kept on.
The colts and fillies in the crowd watched and listened with intrigue as they listened to the story that the song was telling. As it drew to the end, some of them, Cheerilee included, gasped. “None can tame the one the sailors call the shadow…” Bob let the note hang for a moment before taking a deep breath. “God, I hate singing in public. It makes me feel like I’m in some crappy musical for children,” he chuckled. “How was the song?”
“It sucked!” Diamond Tiara raised her hoof. “I bet I could sing that song better and play it better than you can!”
“Go for it,” Bob sat up from the piano and took a step back. “Because that would be fun to listen to,” he smirked as Diamond Tiara’s eyes widened.
“I can get my butler-”
“Your butler isn’t you, now is it? C’mon, play the song for our classmates. They look very excited for you to show off for us.”
“Fine!” The spoiled little filly stomped around her desk and over to Bob and the piano. She stared at it after sitting on the piano stool. She placed her hoof on a spot. She played the entire wrong note. She kept on playing and… began singing the song off key. Bob crossed his arms.
“Kid, you can stop now, you’ve made everyone’s ears bleed enough,” the human lifted Diamond Tiara up, who immediately started demanding to be put down. “Uh… Sorry about having you embarrass yourself in front of the whole class?”
“My performance was still better-”
“Kid, you didn’t even play a single, correct note, or a single chord. I may not be the best piano player, but I know just playing dyads isn’t all there is to a song. You played E and F, and G and A together. There’s notes that don’t go together, and that’s two of sets of them. Just ignore how those aren’t even notes used in the song together,” Bob shrugged. “Though we aren’t here to discuss who’s a better pianist, or singer, or whatever.” The human stepped back from the piano. “So do I just choose an empty seat?” Bob asked Cheerilee.
“Yes, for today, can you sit at the front of the class? I don't usually have assigned seats usually, but for you I’ll make an exception simply so I can see how you work. After today, you can just choose your seat, though do know that first come is first serve most of the time.” When he sat down, the teacher got close to the human. “I’m just going to warn you about Diamond Tiara, since I won’t be giving you a hard time about embarrassing her; that filly needs to be humbled. However, watch out, she will probably try and make fun of you, or she will tell her family about you and they will do something. Just… be careful, alright?”
“I’ll be fine. If I get chased out of another town for being human, that’s not too big of a deal.” Bob went to take his seat… and actually enjoyed himself. Math and Equish(or English for you non-ponies) were kinda boring, but history class immediately took the teen’s interests. On top of that, Cheerilee made sure there was tons of class participation so that Bob got some entertainment as some foals, who weren’t expecting to be called on, struggled with answering a multiplication question. Unfortunately the history section of the day only lasted an hour as math and language obviously took priority for the latest generation of foals to learn.
Of course, the teacher noticed Bob not taking notes at some point throughout the math portion of the day, so she called him up to answer a bunch of questions she wrote on the board. “Maybe this… they’re all correct.”
“Yeah, basic math. I was still going to school before I ended up in Equestria. I was learning about basic level algebra; be lucky you aren’t teaching your students that yet. Some kids back home still complain about there being letters alongside numbers on math homework,” Bob chuckled. “Here, let me write an equation that I’m used to seeing,” Bob proceeded to write down a simple algebra equation. It was pretty simple, 3X+4=16. He then proceeded to walk the class through how to figure out what the X was, and felt a small smile on his face. “Man, when students aren’t screaming all day, teaching does have some merit; it’s fu-freaking fun.” He chuckled.
Class ended pretty soon after that, as there were really only three subjects to teach. Bob had learnt that every tuesday and thursday, history was taken out for a special subject such as music, or to prepare an upcoming play that was for a huge festival that happened a week before Nightmare Night, which happened to be the anniversary of when Nightmare Moon was initially defeated and sent to the moon. Then recess came around, which was more or less… Lunch time combined with dismissal. Since it was supposed to serve as a gap between the morning class that Bob was a part of, and the afternoon class.
So, Bob walked back to the library before anypony could stop him; he didn’t want to deal with Diamond Tiara who was waiting by the school gates for him. She called him names, yelled at him, anything to get the human’s attention, but he ignored her. He made it back to Twilight's library without a hitch and helped Spike clean and reorganize the library.
Author's Note
I would say it would be very hard for Diamond Tiara to bully Bob for two reasons:
Bob’s been through worse than being called stupid.
Bob is also older than most of his classmates, Diamond Tiara included.
And Apple Jack just soured the connection she had just formed with Bob. How will she make it up to him? Will she be able to make it up to him? Twilight remains oblivious to what is happening to Bob and his emotions. How will that affect the human? Wait and see!
Over the next few weeks, Bob found himself helping Apple Jack or Twilight the most out of the six mares he was supposed to be serving. Granted, when he worked with Apple Jack, he did so quietly. As Twilight said, any time spent at Ms. Cheerilee’s schoolhouse ended up going towards his community service hours. While at school, Bob did work and served as a second tutor during math, which was the one subject that he had truly excelled in compared to everyone in the class. Equish had so many similarities to English that Bob could easily do assignments and then receive marks for using his version of English; it technically wasn’t wrong according to Cheerilee, but it wasn’t proper Equish. History was what had Bob excited every time he had come into class.
None of Bob’s classmates really approached him. Apple Bloom and the Crusaders would greet Bob in the morning and get a few ear scratches and belly rubs. Sometimes Bob would help a student with a math problem they were struggling with, but nobody really approached the human at all. Every Tuesday and Thursday, due to an incoming play for the Sunrise Festival, which occurred a week before Nightmare Night, history class would be skipped over by Cheerilee in exchange for the class to brainstorm ideas as to what the Play should be about. A filly or colt would raise a hoof and give toss an idea, while Bob simply went along with whatever his classmates went with.
He wasn't paying much attention; he didn't care about the play.
Eventually with enough idea tossing, they decided to do a play on the battle between Celestia and Nightmare Moon and the events that had led up to it. While they were discussing what parts each foal should get, Apple Bloom raised her hoof. “Bob should sing a song during the play! He’s great-”
“Why am I playing a song? Nobody’ll want to see, or hear an ugly, stupid ape sing. I don’t sound that good either.” Bob tilted his head. “Besides, what would the song be about? How lonely Celestia was after the battle? The fight itself? What Luna felt before she fell to Nightmare Moon?” Bob asked. With the knowledge of what the play specifically had to be about, and some help with Twilight, he had caught up with the events before, during and after the rise of Nightmare Moon.
“I agree,” Diamond Tiara said. “I mean, he can barely play the piano-”
“Diamond Tiara,” Cheerilee eyed the filly as she stopped, she casted her glare on the only human in the room. “Bob, do not call yourself ugly or stupid. You can play the piano well enough. If you would like to write a song and play it during the play, that would be nice. You don’t even have to be on stage if that would help you. You’ll even get full credit for performing your song in the play! Nopony will even have to know that you were a part of it!” She paused “I don’t know how well two pianos would sound though, since my contribution to the play will be directing and playing the soundtrack throughout.” Bob paused for a moment before hopping out of his seat and over to the piano.
Bob sat down on the bench. “I used to play in a band back home. I was the only member, so I had to play multiple instruments and sing, and nobody really listened to me, but I can play the guitar. I’ve played the drums, though I can’t do that while playing the guitar. I can play the piano. I’m not classically trained, but I have some idea of how to use a violin and transitioning to a cello or viola with that knowledge isn’t too hard. Though…” Bob shrugged. “I never got a lot of practice with the violin though, so I’m more prone to screwing up.” Bob hummed again before pressing a few keys. “I can probably rework a human song into something that can begin at the start of the play and finish around the end.”
“Or I can come in towards the end and sing, it doesn’t matter to me.” Bob shrugged. “Though I’m still not sure if I should even get to play a song at all for the play. Nobody’ll wanna hear it if they know I wrote and performed it.”
Cheerilee smiled. “Well, I had a new student coming in sometime later, his name is Pip Squeak, and I know he will love a part in the play. You can probably sing behind a curtain and he can lip sing; you both will still be credited at the end of the play.” Bob nodded before going to his desk, writing down notes and lyrics on scrap paper while the rest of the discussion went on without him. He dropped the quill as he groaned; class was being dismissed and he couldn’t even come up with anything.
So, while Bob sat during recess, he was approached by a few foals for once. Well, actually, he was surrounded by them now. He looked up from the notebook he was still writing notes and lyrics down in, to no avail, and at the group of foals.
“What’s up with everyone looking at me?”
“We wanted to see if you had anything written down yet?” A filly said, a random one. She was a light, almost pale blue unicorn. If he recalled, her mother was a derpy looking pegasus that also delivered mail. “Apple Bloom was telling us all about how great you are with music. And-”
Bob covered the filly’s mouth. “...I can play songs from my… homeland. I can sing those songs as well. Writing a whole song is a different beast,” Bob shook his head. “First you need to know the tone of the song, the tempo, the melody, the chords, the lyrics, how you want to sing the song, and then once that’s all said and done, practice and perfect the song.” Bob turned his notebook around. “I’ve got plenty of ideas, but we didn’t really talk about the tone of the play at all…” He trailed off. “I have nothing to work with, and then I’m pretty inexperienced with songwriting.” Bob chuckled. “I wish I could just sing somebody else’s song, that’s way easier.”
“Can you sing one of your ideas? We could base the tone of the play on the one that we like the best.”
“Well, I made one for how I believe Celestia felt about defeating Nightmare Moon.”
“Wouldn’t she feel relieved?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Imagine this, Apple Jack suddenly became a mass murderer,” Bob said slowly. “And the only way to deal with her was to lock her up in a prison you, and nobody can reach her, not even you. If I were Celestia, I’d be borderline depressed; I couldn’t imagine losing a sibling, and I’m the youngest of mine. It was probably worse for Celestia since she’s the oldest…” He trailed off for a moment before clearing his throat. “I’m shocked Celestia managed to make it a thousand years, if she is actually that old, with those emotions dwelling in her head. That can’t be healthy.”
“So what’s the stupid song idea?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“Well, I titled it Millenium Alone, and had a chorus for it,” the human shrugged. “I’m not singing it though. I might just not even write a song for the play.”
“I am rewriting a song from my homeland, I can sing that since I have a melody to work off of…” Bob cleared his throat. “They say there was a jealous mare .” Bob only got through the first verse before stopping. “I only got that far, so far this is the one I’m liking the most; I can begin with that verse at the start of the play, say… Have the second verse play during the next act, so on and so forth. From what I’ve read, Luna, or Nightmare Moon, has returned from the moon, so why not also capture the reunion of Luna and Celestia? That, that had to be something worth seeing.” Bob reclined slightly. “I only have what Twilight told me though.”
“That…” Sweetie Belle hummed. “Would be a great idea! I bet I could be a great Celestia! Then I can sing one of the verses!”
When Bob got back to the Library, the first thing he did was sit down at one of the tables scattered around the main floor, and got to work. No matter what he tried, even a remake of Hallelujah, he just couldn’t come up with anything. Nothing he played on the guitar sounded right, none of the lyrics sounded right in his head. The human groaned and slammed his notebook into the table and leaned back into his chair, only to nearly fall on the ground, since pony chairs didn’t have anything in them.
“Bob, are you alright?” The sound of a chair scooting on Bob’s left, and a purple hoof reaching out to him in his peripheral vision. “What… is in your notebook? This looks like…”
“We’re hosting a play for something big, something just before Nightmare Night, and… The class expects me to write a song for it, or something. I tried to tell them that… I wouldn’t be super good at writing a song, but after they’ve heard me sing a few times, they think being okay at singing would translate to being an amazing songwriter.” Bob leaned into his palms. “I can’t get an idea to stick, even though I did find one I liked, and tried to stick with it… only to get lost stuck on a verse or two, and then I threw that idea in the trash!” Bob sighed. “I don’t even want to perform for the play, but it’s expected that every ‘foal’ in the school has some part in the play.
“I guess I have to play my part, even if I don’t want to.” The human finished and leaned back in his chair.
“This one is good,” Twilight pointed to Bob’s ponified version of Hallelujah, or the beginnings of it. “Why did you get stuck on writing this? I can even help you if you want the help.”
“You… would?”
Twilight nodded. “I’m partially interested in the song you’re borrowing this from, since it sounds like a human song.”
“It’s a song I used to sing… I was in choir for my church, which was a building that would come together to worship a deity. I never was very religious, but I did enjoy singing in choir. It made Mom happy, and I got to learn how to sing just a little better.” Bob chuckled. “Which makes rewriting this song for the play all the harder; it’s hard to rewrite this song…” He sighed before putting his pencil down and pointed at the second verse.
“Does this look a little confusing?”
“Some will tell you otherwise,” Twilight began to sing. As she sang, Bob noted how she was perfectly in line with the melody. She hummed after singing. “So you’re saying Celestia missed Luna?” Bob nodded.
“I thought the first verse could be a precursor to the play, and the second verse could be sung when ‘Luna’ gets sent to the moon.” Twilight nodded.
“You could make the play about the return of Nightmare Moon; I can even help you with that even better. Since I was there for it,” Bob nodded, and the two of them slowly, but surely worked out a second verse. Soon, Twilight was laying in Bob’s lap and it was nearly midnight. “I can get the girls to let you off of working for them for the week so you can complete the song. The play is next week, isn’t it?” Bob nodded and yawned.
“Yeah, we’re supposed to have a script by the end of tomorrow and begin practicing during and after class is over. Meanwhile, I got that same time to write a song, practice it and…” Bob sighed. “Playing the song instrumentally won’t be difficult; I’ve only had to play it on piano, and sometimes guitar every Sunday.” Twilight nodded.
“Well, if you need help, I’ll be free most of the week; we can write the song together!” Twilight yawned again. “We can probably get the third verse done by the time we go to sleep and…”
“It’s twelve in the morning. I think we should go to sleep-“ Twilight was already snoring away, her head was resting on his thigh, he shrugged before picking the unicorn and taking her upstairs. After some thought… He laid Twilight on the bed before climbing in it with her. Soon, he had a Teddy Twilight Sparkle to snuggle with throughout the night.
The next day, Bob was sitting on a bench during recess. The class had worked out a script, so Bob took a copy so he could possibly use it to help write his song for the play. He sighed. Tonight, it was Fluttershy’s turn to give him a task, which usually involved him helping with her animals or helping to clean up her cottage which was already spotless. Fluttershy did agree to let Bob have a few hours before he had to go help her with that, so he could ‘hang out with some friends’ or something.
The human had heard Diamond Tiara yell at somebody, but it wasn’t the usual mocking tone she used on the Cutie Mark Crusaders, no she sounded like she was insulting a kid, viciously at that. “And nobody will come to protect you, because nopony, not even the Cutie Mark Crusaders, wants to be friends with such a useless, absolutely worthless Blank Flank!” Bob looked around the playground to… Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon kicking dirt at a small colt, an earth pony, who was balled up on the ground and crying from their verbal and physical abuse. Usually, Bob steered clear of the other kids. He sometimes played with the Crusaders when they felt like including him, but most of the other foals stayed away from him. And also started rumors that he ate foals or something. Today, however, Bob set his notes in his backpack, a gift from Rarity(as a gift for helping her out on a day that he was supposed to be free of work), and speed walked over to the three foals.
“Yo,” Bob calmly said as he walked forward. “Why are you guys kicking dirt on that kid?”
“And why does it matter to you, Ape? I bet you just want to-”
“Move,” Bob grabbed the mean pair of fillies before shoving them behind him. “Poor fella’s had enough of his daily dose of bullshit from little retards like you, so leave him alone.”
“Don’t put your paws on me, you brute-”
“Shut up, your arse is jealous of the shit your mouth spews out.” Bob flipped off Diamond Tiara as she sputtered and stuttered while she asked what ‘arse’ meant before she and Silver Spoon ran off to probably cause some other foals some misery. Bob placed then turned his focus onto the crying colt before him. “Hey kid,” he placed a hand, which made the tiny pony cringe and cry more. “I’m not gonna hurt you, and I’m not going to make fun of you.” The colt raised his head and turned his tearfilled eyes to the human.
And immediately buried his face in his hooves. “Please don’t eat me!”
“Hey,” Bob started rubbing the foal’s back. “Look at me,” Bob reached under the pony’s chin and turned his gaze back up to him. “I won’t hurt you, I’m not going to eat you. If I wanted you to keep hurting, I wouldn't have come and stopped Diamond Tiara. Why were they making fun of you?”
“I’m a blank flank, so nopony wants to be my friend. Not even that club of blank flanks wants me to hangout with them.” He sighed. “Why are you still here?”
Bob pointed a thumb at himself. “I’m also a blank flank; I’m just as worthless and friendless as you are,” he paused. “Okay, that wasn’t the right thing to say. But I’m here… Say, you wanna be pals? I’m a blank flank, you’re a blank flank, we’re both talentless, aren’t we? We can help each other out, just like the Cutie Mark Crusaders help each other out. I can even introduce you to them.”
“You want to be my friend?” The colt asked.
“I do,” Bob rubbed the kid’s back. “What’s your name?”
“I’m… Golden Arrow, you’re Bob, aren’t you?”
“How’d you know that?”
“You’re the talk of the class, some of the other foals say you eat foals, others are talking about you because you’re writing a song for a play…” Arrow looked up at the human. “But you’re my friend now!” His little, tear stained face broke out into a smile, so Bob plucked the colt up and laid him in his lap.
“Now, I was going to flip your frown upside down, because it has no place being on your adorable, little face, but I see you bounced back pretty quickly,” Bob said. Before long, Bob was idly petting and scratching the foal’s head.
“Why shouldn’t I be happy? I’ve got a new friend, and… that feels nice. Can you move your paw a little to the left? I’ve been trying to get that itch for weeks and…”
“Arrow!” A mare trotted up to the two boys a, one Bob hadn’t seen before. “Why are you covered in dirt…” She glared at Bob. “Did you-”
“Mom, don’t get mad at Bob! He saved me from a couple of bullies! He’s my friend!” Arrow pawed at the human who sat silently. “And he’s actually kind of nice,” he nuzzled into Bob.
“Darn you ponies and your overtly cuddly behavior,” Bob chuckled as he nuzzled his cheek into Arrow’s, and held him closer. “You want your kid back, miss…”
“So you’re that human everypony’s been talking about…” She hummed. “I’m Venice Arrow, Golden’s mother. You’re… really not what everypony’s chalked you up to being.”
“As in?” Bob asked. “A murderer?”
“A lot of things, evil, mean, hates ponies.”
“I’m not the biggest fan of ponies, yeah,” Bob was now holding Golden Arrow in his hands, like you would with a puppy. The foal’s tail was wagging back and forth and Bob coddled him. “But I can’t hate foals; they’re adorable, dangerously so… And… Your son just licked my cheek. God dammit, I think my heart just melted into a puddle in my chest.” Venice giggled.
“My my… I don’t think I’ve seen my little Arrow warm up to anypony, or any creature so quickly.” She hummed. “Would you like to stop by my home for a few snacks? Then I can escort you back to Golden Oaks Library. All the rumors say you live there, so I assume you live there, correct?”
“You’d be right… and if you’re okay with it, then I wouldn’t mind following you and Arrow home. I wanna get to know my new buddy just a little more.” The three of them had gone to The Arrow Family’s home for tea, and after Twilight had told Fluttershy about the upcoming play, decided to let Bob not work for the day so he could work on his song. Golden Arrow even threw in his own thoughts on what the human had written so far.
The days had turned into a week, Nightmare Night was two weeks away… meaning the play was happening tonight. Bob was rubbing his forehead in class. He had gotten the song finished, but he wasn’t a fan of it. Not because he thought it was bad, but because he felt like it wasn’t good enough. He spent a week, a week straight on this song, and yet it was nowhere near as good as it was supposed to be. On top of that, Ms. Cheerilee had him practice songs so he could help her ‘soundtrack’ some of the scenes.
So Bob was lent a guitar, a violin and a set of drums. All were instruments that Bob could play, but wasn’t a master at. For one, he barely used the violin while recording in his garage band, and he really only used a guitar, an electric one at that, and the drums. Since Cheerilee would be playing the piano, that was the only instrument that Bob was very familiar with up to her, and not him. And he only had a day of practice…
Wait, the piano parts were also piled on Bob.
“At least reading sheet music isn’t too hard.” Bob grumbled to himself as he read them over. He had barely gotten any sleep last night, due to him and Twilight running overtime to finish the song. Once the play’s over, he’s going to have to hug that mare. Despite some of the things she does that upsets him, or gets on his nerves, she is… at least nice to him, and has helped him with this huge project. Bob would be playing behind a curtain and performing behind a curtain with a microphone, but at least he would be credited for his efforts.
The play was happening on Saturday, and Bob had finished singing the ponified version of Hallelujah to Twilight. It felt a bit wrong, to be singing a song he sang in church, same chords, same melody, different lyrics and different pitch. Twilight’s friends had stopped at the library to hear Bob sing before the play, and were listening with interest. When he was finished with his demo performance, the mares clapped. “Darn nelly!” Apple Jack patted Bob on the shoulder, but he flinched away.
The two hadn’t really interacted much after Bob got injured while working for the farm pony, and neither had worked to amend their ‘relationship’.
“That was nice,” Fluttershy said with a small smile. “It was very relaxing.”
“Well, Twilight did help out a lot. I wouldn’t have gotten the song done without her…” The human sighed and looked at another lyric sheet. “And Cheerilee gave me a song to sing when ‘Luna’ turned into Nightmare moon… Jeez I have a lot of ‘parts’ in this play.”
“But you aren’t doing anything but playing instruments and singing,” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “You’re good at that-”
“Rainbow, I have to play a guitar at the start of the play, switch to a violin and back to the guitar a few times. And then I also have to play the drums. We have several other kids in the class that can sing, or can play instruments, yet almost all of that was put on me so those kids could be on stage and be in the spotlight.” Bob sighed. “It’s just so fucking much, and I’m only awake right now because Spike brewed some very, very heavily concentrated coffee for me this morning.” Bob sighed. “I’m just lucky that I wasn’t told to play the cello as well; that would’ve been a nightmare…” the human paused. “Well, more of a nightmare than this was already gonna be.”
“Wait a second,” Rainbow paused. “I thought you were just going to play the guitar and sing a few songs behind a curtain. “How…”
“I made the mistake of saying I can play several instruments and Cheerilee skipped over the fact that I had to record each instrument separately, and then used a machine to overlay each recording and use digital instruments to help fill in any gaps.” Bob sighed. “The play starts in a couple of hours… I am so screwed.” Bob got out of the chair and stretched. “Let’s get this over with. I’ll at least get credited so all this work won’t be for nothing.” The eight, since Spike wanted to come and watch the play too, agreed and all went out the door.
Bob sat at the corner of the stage. All the colts and fillies in his class were either making last minute checks on lights, or in their costumes and chatting away. The new colt, Pipsqueak, who got the role as narrator, peeked out the curtains for a moment before quickly being pulled back. “I bet the whole town is out there!” Pip, as the colt liked to be called, whisper-shouted. “I can’t wait!” The human shook his head as he kept making sure his instruments were tuned properly.
“We’re about to begin, position everypony!” Ms. Cheerilee began directing her students around, while Bob remained in place, in a spot where he would remain hidden from the crowd. “Bob, whenever I hold up a green card, begin playing, when you see a red card, stop, alright?” The human flashed a thumb’s up, before taking a deep breath.
“Ladies and gentlecolts!” Pipsqueak, at the center of the stage, started. “Thank you for coming out tonight during the Sunrise Festival. Ms. Cheerilee’s Schoolhouse of Ponyville presents the Tale of Nightmare Moon; the betrayal, the return, and reunion!” With that, Pip opened his mouth to begin lip syncing with Bob. Cheerilee flashed a green card and Bob began to sing and stopped the moment he saw the signal to stop playing.
As the play went on, Bob heavily focused on his sheet music when he played an instrumental and focused very, very heavily when singing Luna's villain song. The play went on without a hitch, except for when the crowd laughed at Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon, the former was playing as Princess Celestia, when one of the fillies spoke in a tone that was completely out of character for how their Sun Princess usually presented herself. Bob, having next to no practice with any of the sheet music for the ‘soundtrack’, messed up here and there, but he quickly covered up any mistakes he made, and the audience didn’t really notice when he did mess up… Thankfully.
Though whenever he had to play a part with a violin, it was sloppy at best, and probably would make actually trained violinists angry. To the average pony in the crowd of many, he sounded good enough, if they weren’t ‘boo’ing at his mediocre performance with the violin was anything to go by.
By the end of it, Bob was a shivering mess, but his voice held up as he sang the last lines of Hallelujah, and he almost passed out from the sheer stress he was feeling.
The crowd cheered as the curtains fell, and Bob felt a weight lift off his chest. It was a struggle, especially when he had to scramble to switch from instrument to instrument, sometimes in the middle of a song, but it was over!
“Excellent work, Bob!” Cheerilee congratulated her otherworldly student. “You’ll get A plus for theater for your efforts! Now, I must go and credit everypony involved!” Bob silently nodded and fell on his butt after just getting out of his chair. His legs were too shaky to stand. As his teacher called out each actor’s name, she then moved onto the foals that were responsible for lighting and costume designing. Then, she got to the soundtrack part…
“The lead singer, Pipsqueak, performed Hallelujah, a song written specifically for this play,” Bob froze. She listed a bunch of other students off, who helped write the sheet music used, but didn’t say Bob’s name a single time. Not even to credit him for writing Hallelujah. And… then the class congratulated their teacher for directing and producing the play in the first place and that was it. Bob sat there, completely flabbergasted as his classmates all chatted as they filed back into backstage… He slowly stood up as they also began leaving backstage through the back entrance so they could go see their, probably very excited, parents.
“Ms. Cheerilee,” Bob stopped his teacher as she stopped by. “Why the actual fuck was I not credited at all at the end?”
“Didn’t you just get a grade like you wanted?” Cheerilee asked. “Because I thought you said you just wanted a grade, and not have anypony know that you performed any of the music used throughout the play.” Bob’s jaw opened to respond only for it to slowly close. He thought for a moment before anger took over his mind.
“I… Fucking worked my god damn ass off to perform in this stupid play!” Bob shouted. Any and all chatter offstage, or backstage had come to a halt as ponies, adults and foals alike stared at the pair. “I fucking sang a damn song, that I wrote, that I didn’t even want to make in the first place for this play because my classmates, and you, wanted me to do it! Myself, with the help of Twilight, rewrote that song for this play and you couldn’t even be bothered to mention my name? Who played the damn violin during the play? Who played the fucking guitar? Who played the fucking drums? It wasn’t my sheet music, but it was my fucking performance of that sheet music .” Bob yelled. “And I didn’t even know we were getting a grade for this shit! I did this because I was asked to, and found myself enjoying it,” he said calmly. He stared down at the pony, whose head came up to his chest. “Yet you couldn’t even at least say I had any part in this play.” The human was now crying.
“Bob!” Cheerilee hopped up on her hindlegs and was now leaning on the human. “You should’ve-”
“Get off of me.” Bob snarled. “Get the hell off of me, and get the ever living hell away from me. I’m going to go on a walk before I punch somebody in the face.” Bob walked past the curtains and hopped down from the stage. “I ain’t going to school anymore, not your school at least!” He shouted as he stormed off. Grumbling to himself about how a night that was going to end with a small party from Pinkie to celebrate his part in the play, had soured.
He walked straight towards the Everfree Forest without a care in the world.
Bob and Luna sat in the ruins of The Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters for a good ten minutes. The human leaned on the princess, idly scratching the alicorn. Bob quickly sat up. It was nearly night when he left, and it was still dark. “Shit,” the human got to his feet, as did Luna in a heartbeat. “Twilight is probably stressing out about where I am!” Bob sighed. “But I really don’t wanna go back to her place yet.”
“If thou would desire, thou remain hither with me; I am nocturnal so I can keep watch. And if it helps, most creatures ‘i the Everfree Forest are frighted of alicorns, if what mine sister told me is true. Personally I haven’t e’en seen a manitcore.” The alicorn got laid back down. “I forsooth wouldn’t be crossed to spending moe time with mine new friend!” Luna raised a hoof in the air before promptly wrapping both of her forelegs around the human. Nothing stopped her from the incoming cheek nuzzles from the happy.
“I wouldn’t either, maybe we can go home and ask Twilight if I can have a sleepover or something. Because it’s going to get cold tonight, and I don’t have fur to keep me warm-“ Luna draped a wing over the human after he sat next to her. “That helps, but there is only so much of me that your wings can cover up,” Bob hugged Luna’s neck. “We should just go back anyways; I don’t want anyone, who’ll care, to worry about me.”
“Then hop on mine back,” Luna got to her hooves, taking Bob up with her.
“Okay,” the human did as asked. The human had to admit, riding a horse bareback as she tried to find a spot to take off, wasn’t the most fun experience. Luckily, Luna was trying to be gentle, so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been for Bob. “Say… what if-HOLY FUCKING SHIT!”
“Fornicating feces sounds as a horrible imagining!” Luna laughed as the human screamed and clung onto her for dear life… until she leveled out and wasn’t flying so fast. “Well, thou are not screaming anymore… that is a good thing right?”
“Holy shit…”
“What-“
“It’s a figure of speech… Sorry about cutting you off.”
“Nein, Never worry. I won’t bite thou for truly cutting me off. For what hath thou use that phrase?” The alicorn asked.
“I just… I’m just amazed. The night sky… the wind in my hair, the view of everything down below. This is what flying is like?” Bob asked.
“It is, I still take flights on mine own when I get stressed out while ruling mine kingdom… thou enjoy the night welken?” Luna asked, a smile etching more and more onto her face.
“It’s beautiful. I never got to see it often back on Earth, but when I did, it was always just… Sometimes it’s fun to just look at the stars, even if I can’t make or name any constellations, the night sky sure is beautiful.” Bob sighed. “Humans used to study the night sky, with dedicated buildings just to build big telescopes to see out into the vast expanse of space. Just…. We’ve seen so many planets, stars, galaxies light years away from Earth… Just the idea of what is out there is really cool to me.” Luna simply nodded, silently rejoicing at, while not a pony, somebody enjoying her night.
When the two touched down in Ponyville, the streets were empty, as most of the town had retired to restaurants, or to their homes. Most of Bob’s classmates, and their parents, were still off celebrating and had likely finished while Bob was still brooding. A rainbow line in the night sky quickly came to a halt. “What is that? Doth rainbows simply appear at night now?” Luna tilted her head as the rainbow came right for them. Bob knew who it was, having seen the signature that he dubbed ‘Rainbow’s Tail’, a name that Rainbow Dash was all too happy to accept. To Luna, however, all she saw was a beam of something unknown, but rainbow colored flying towards them.
“GET DOWN, BOB! WE ARE BEING-” Luna pounced on her newly claimed human before quickly bringing up a shield spell… only for the Rainbow’s Tail to stop as soon as it reached the ground. The pegasus the trail was named after, expertly landed on her hooves and skidded to a stop just before Luna and Bob. “What the hay…? We wot our sister hath told us about the Wonderbolts, yet it still shocks us to find such a fast flier…” she whispered.
“Bob! What the buck were you thinking? You had us all worried sick! Twilight’s in her library, stressing out, thinking that you got killed in the… Everfree Forest.” Rainbow cocked her head. “Who the heck is this?” The pegasus asked, pointing a hoof at Luna.
“It appears that thou hath forgotten us. Thou, along with the rest of the Elements of Harmony saved us from the Nightmare’s call. Thou must be Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty, correct?”
“Uh… yeah. So you’re Celestia’s sister? You were a lot smaller when we last saw you.”
“We haven’t made a public appearance since thou hath last seen us. We were in our old castle when Bob stumbled upon us. He had told us his woes, and we holp to ale ‘em. I say we would do a good-”
“Hey Luna, I’m glad that you care enough about me to immediately try and protect me from a perceived threat…” Bob’s voice was muffled. “And I love cuddling with you, because you’re very soft and fluffy, but can you please remove my face from your chest? And get your butt off my stomach? You’re kinda sitting on something important; I personally enjoy having my stomach not be sat on by a horse that’s as tall as me,” Bob stuck his hand out. “Don’t make me tickle you in public; I’ve learnt where you ponies are usually ticklish from my time with Twilight.”
Luna quickly let out a princess-like ‘EEP!’ And quickly scrambled off of Bob… She didn’t notice that her hing legs had… been forcefully shoved into the human’s stomach until he groaned. Rainbow Dash looked ready to burst out laughing, while Bob laid on the ground, clutching his stomach and groaning.
“Fuck…” Bob wheezed. “You hit fucking hard!” He coughed. “Christ… Luna, if we’re gonna be friends and you wanna lay in my lap, cool, but please don’t kick me in the stomach again! I need that!” The human was clearly trying to make a joke despite his obviously being in pain. “Least you didn’t kick my balls, now that… would suck.” Bob slowly sat up, he rubbed his stomach again, before grabbing both of Luna’s cheeks while she was constantly apologizing and fearing that she just killed her human.
“I’m fine, Luna, really…” Bob slowly brought his hands around Luna’s neck, and then under her armpits, or the horse equivalent, before pulling her onto his lap. “It hurts, and I’m gonna be bruised for a while, but I’ll be fine. Don’t beat yourself up for that; my dog used to step on my balls all the time and I still loved my dog.” Bob slowly started rubbing Luna’s back while she was still saying sorry into his chest. “You’re adorable, you know that?” That broke Luna, as she pulled back slightly.
“I am a Princess, Bob! I do not look cute!”
“When your ears are flat against your head like they are right now, it is adorable. Ponies are cute, even if most of them are racist as fuck, and you are a pony.” Bob booped Luna on the nose and giggled when the Princess went cross eyed… Only to yelp when Luna licked his eyeball.
“That will teach you to call me cute…” She got close to his ear. “Thank you for calling me cute. I love you.” She nuzzled him before hopping out of his lap, and lifted Bob onto her back. “Join, I shall return thou to Twilight Sparkle. While I doth would to keep thou, I would wany thy permission first; thou are a smart, sentient being after all.” Luna happily pranced along, leaving a shocked Rainbow Dash.
Nopony in the history of Equestria would dare do such a thing to a Princess, which not only calls her cute, but boops her on the nose as well! To top it off, it was with Luna, who is way scarier than Celestia. Especially since nopony is fully sure if Luna is… Well, Luna, or still Nightmare Moon.
And Bob was being nice to a pony he had just met.
Once the human and royal pony duo had made it to Golden Oaks Library, the lights were still on… “Odd, ‘tis almost midnight, and yet Twilight Sparkle is still awake? I wot mine sister gushes over her student, yet that student’s sleeping habits leave a lot to be desired.” Luna shook her head as Bob slid off of his new friend’s back and had promptly knocked on the door.
“Twilight, are you home? It’s Bob-”
The door slammed back and there was a very… worn out Twilight. Her eyes were red, her mane was a mess, and it looked like she was having a panic attack. “Bob! Why did you bucking walk into the Everfree Forest!” She hadn’t even noticed Luna, who was now sitting on her haunches and was watching Twilight knock Bob onto his ass and hug him. She started crying into the human’s stomach as well.
“You remember what happened at the play?” Twilight nodded.
“Okay.. I know that you were mad, rightfully so, but that’s no reason for you to get yourself killed!”
“It’s… been a build up,” Bob admitted. “I’m a bit tired of… everything.”
“...What?” Twilight looked up at him through some tearful eyes. “You’re one of my best friends, Bob, you can tell me anything!”
“...Remember how you used to call me barbaric?” Twilight nodded. “I wasn’t very… appreciative of that.” The unicorn’s mouth opened wide. “Don’t worry about it though; I know out of everybody in Equestria, you’ve been treating me the best…” Bob pointed at Luna, who was now resting her head on his shoulder. “And then Princess Luna showed up and licked me in the eye because I think she’s cute.”
Only then did Twilight notice the lunar Princess. “Princess Luna! What are you doing in Ponyville? Nightmare Night isn’t until this Saturday!”
“We were at our corky home, Twilight Sparkle. We found Bob, he was enchafed, so we had him say to us what was troubling him so. Then he scratched our ears, so I declared him our meetest friend. Bob needs a friend as much as we doth, and we are glad to declare him as such. Truly, it troubles me that he hath a 'criminal record' for trying to keep himself alive. We shall remove it after yelling at our sister. Along with free Bob of thy punishment our sister put on him.”
“So… Bob won’t have to stay in Ponyville?” Twilight asked.
“If Bob doth not summon to remain ‘i Ponyville, then he leave he pleases.”
“I wouldn’t mind staying in Ponyville if I didn’t have to, but… let’s be real, Twilight, you, a kid from my class, and that kid’s mother are the only people in this town that don’t hate me. Your friends treat me well enough, but everyone else treats me like shit, or barely tolerates me. I’m scared of going anywhere else; I won’t be treated any better out in the world, so I might not have a choice to remain in Ponyville. Because if I go anywhere else, I’ll probably get chased out of town and I’ll go right back to where I was a year ago.” Bob lifted Twilight up. “So can we keep Luna here for the night? She did kinda… get me out of a funk.”
“A sleepover… with a Princess?” Twilight asked.
The Princess in question tilted her head. “What is a sleepover?”
“You sleep at my place, which happens to be Twilight’s home, but before we sleep we happily do a bunch of fun stuff together… Twilight, your face tells me you have a book for the ‘perfect’ sleepover, don’t you?”
“...No…” She nuzzled Bob’s cheek, and Luna’s wings ruffled at the sight. “Yeah, I do. Come on! Last time I used the book with Apple Jack and Rarity, it went well… until a tree crashed into my room.” Bob tilted his head, now knowing of a story he’s going to ask the unicorn about. The unicorn got out of his lap before prancing inside. “Come on! We’re already late, and the guide says we should’ve started two hours ago.” She stopped. “And Bob, there’s somepony inside that would like to speak with you.”
Bob and Luna looked each other in the eyes, before shrugging. “Well, let’s not keep Twilight waiting,” Bob hopped on his feet before, with a great deal of effort, lifted Luna up and held her like she was a big dog.
“What the buck, Bob!” Luna shouted, surprised at the human suddenly lifting her up. Granted, she made no attempt to get free. Instead, she wrapped her hooves and wings around the human to hold onto him better.
“Okay, I admit, this is a bad idea. I’m not very strong,” Bob grunted as he walked inside, Princess in tow. “I’m a thinker, not a bodybuilder, and while you’re not fat, you’re still a horse. Horses in my world are usually pretty heavy.” He grunted again. Once he was inside he got to his knees and let Luna go. The Princess gracefully got back on her hooves. The human stood up again and popped his knees, and rolled his shoulders for them to crack. “Ow… Maybe I should work out and hold you while doing squats?”
“I will lick you in the eye again,” Luna threatened. “Thou are thrifty that I liked being carried, as monetary as thou didst it.”
“...Nevermind. No using the Princess as workout equipment.” Bob dusted himself off before looking up at the dinner table that was probably just set up. Sitting at the table was none other than his teacher, Ms. Cheerilee. She looked even worse than Twilight. “Why the actual fuck are you here?”
“I wanted to say sorry,” Bob’s teacher looked down at the desk. “I piled so much on you, singing, writing a song, singing another song that I gave you last minute, and having you play a bunch of sheet music you were also given last minute. What do I do, the very moment it came to listing off all of my students, who contributed and worked hard to make the play? I couldn’t even be bothered to say your name, because I thought you said you didn’t want anyone to know you were a part of the play!”
“I didn’t want to be on stage, but I would’ve liked to be acknowledged for working my ass off. How many instruments did I have to play?”
“Three.” Cheerilee said plainly. “And you played them all well enough, better than what I would’ve expected when you said you could play three instruments. Most foals, and ponies, if they pick up an instrument only play one instrument and master it throughout their life. If they pick an instrument up at all!”
“And that didn’t matter because I am human,” Bob crossed his arms. “Now, get to the point. Either say your half assed, half felt apology, or get the fuck out.” Luna sat silently, waiting to see if she would need to get involved.
“I wanted you to keep coming to school; I know you said you would drop out, but with somepony as smart as you, it would be a waste!”
“Ms. Cheerilee, buddy, let me let you in on a secret about humans…” Bob was now at the table, having wrapped an arm around the cherry colored earth pony. “Humans come from another world, we come in all shapes, sizes and have hundreds of different countries. I’m from a country that not only has free education, but has three stages of education with an optional fourth one. I was in my third stage of education, and your school is about the equivalent of the first layer. What you are teaching, I learnt in the second grade when I was seven . I’m sixteen now if my estimate of time without a calendar is accurate.
“Needless to say, I don’t need to go to your school, as it was mostly a chance to get me to be more social. And while kids don’t hate me, they also don’t love me either. I’ve got four friends, basically, and three of them I knew far, far before I enrolled in your school. And I can visit that fourth one outside of school. So… I’m not going to school, especially if I do not have to.”
“But… don’t you have to repay the food and the ponies you’ve hurt?”
“Food I wasn’t given because I’m a freak in ponies’ eyes, and the ponies I’ve hurt because they would hit me with magic, shoot at me with crossbows, or try to pummel me because I needed food they wouldn’t give me, so I had to steal it? I feel bad about hurting those ponies, but if they’re trying to get me killed , then I’m going to fight back.”
Luna coughed and made her presence known to the school teacher. “And, just to please our subjects, our sister had punished Bob with community office. If it were not for his age, he would’ve been executed. If Bob wasn’t so compliant, he would’ve been executed. Bob is a child, and our subjects denied him of food. ‘Tis a shame, our sister and I built this nation on love and equality, and e’ven fought for such. And now ponies are frighted of aught not a a pony and shun somepony who divers.” The Princess soon sat at the table and Bob was quick to move, just leaning onto her shoulder.
“We quite like Bob, and we shour doth our meetest to doff the punishment and criminal record that proceeds Bob’s name. E’en our sister receives that Bob doens’t need punishment, and I shall yell upon’r for punishing Bob to begin with. He was a child, struggling in the wild to live, yet still punished him to please our little ponies.” Luna nuzzled the human. “I will clear thy name when I return to Canterlot, Bob. You will be a free human when we are done. Tonight, however, allow us to have some fun.” Luna then turned to the teacher. “Leave us, thou are souring our human’s humour.”
With that, Twilight came down with a book titled Slumer 101: All You Ever Wanted to Know About Slumber Parties But Were Afraid to Ask.
Author's Note
another shorter chapter, but next chapter will be nightmare night and maybe some food news for Bob!
The Sisters Chat Over Dinner
“Ah, Luna,” Celestia smiled warmly as her sister walked into the dining room for breakfast, or her dinner. “I see you have returned from your excursion upon our old home. Did you find what you were hoping to find?” The Sun Princess’s smile was brighter than the star she got her title from. She also noticed that for once, Luna didn’t look completely exhausted as she normally did after a night shift of ruling the kingdom. That was a good sign. “Or… did you find something else?”
“Sister, doth thou wot of the human thou’ve told us of?”
“Of course, Bob the human. I have not had a chance to speak with him a second time. It is a shame that he had… been given his lot in life, but despite that, he seemed like a respectable individual. A bit scared, and clearly doing a lot to save his own skin, but given the circumstances, and with him telling me to my face that I scare him, I can’t blame Bob. If nothing else, I do hope he can come by for…” Celestia paused. “You met Bob, didn’t you?”
“Of course, he was enrolled i’ a local place of learning, a school house as he called it, ‘ Ponyville, and had some… Frustrations with his teacher”
Celestia’s eyes widened. “Oh dear… did Bob hurt anypony-”
“Neigh, sister. Bob was tasked with playing various instruments and singing throughout the play. 'twere something of a large workload, according to him. He wrote a song, with the help of Twilight Sparkle. 'i a week, had less than that to practice it, was granted another song to sing with next to no practice, and was told to play music that he barely e'en had the chance of practicing. Maugre this, he gave a good effort, and didst well.”
“Twilight did tell me of his talents in being able to play multiple instruments. She said it wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty good for somepony ot Bob’s age, especially with how many instruments he can play. I can’t see why Bob was a bit mad at his teacher, though…”
“Bob was not even mentioned in the play’s cast, sister,” Luna said bluntly, trying her best to use modern Equestrian. There was a slight accent to it. “In fact, he was swept under the rug, and… He was angry, rightfully so. Despite this, nopony got hurt, despite Bob being rumored to be violent.”
“I am… By the keepers… I knew my ponies-”
“That endues me to mine next topic, sister. Why are we punishing a child for stealing some food and defending himself? Bob had no way to pay for food, as he couldn't get a job, and ponies attacked him for stealing food that he couldn't get in any other way. Bob is no hunter, and one of the stolen objects we had found 'i his hideout was a fishing pole. He was trying to find ways to get food without stealing it, and yet thou would dispatch him for food? We’ve put Tirek in Tartarus for far worse crimes. I was forgiven on the dime for starting a revolution! Yet Bob could've faced execution!”
“Do you bucking think I wanted to execute that child when I found him? My little ponies saw him as nothing more than an animal, a violent animal that needed to be put down! I did my damned best to make it seem like Bob wasn’t getting away with stealing food and hurting ponies, without killing him! If I could, I would’ve taken that poor child in, fed him, and found some way to help him get a job or find a loving family to take care of him while I found a way to send him home!” Celestia fully dropped, her head hit the table. “I am ashamed to rule a country where a child, no matter the species, had to steal and hurt others just so that he could live.”
“Well sister, I am lifting Bob's criminal records and I declare that his sentence hath been served. I care not for what our subjects regard, say, and what care if thou regard I shouldn’t doth this, because not e'en thou hit together with the punishments granted to that base human. I shall doth so silently, and I shall be visiting Ponyville to bray out Nightmare Night. I shall grant mine new friend the tidings then.” Luna sighed. “let us forego the topic of Bob’s crimes for now, I'm sure thou hast noticed that I bid Bob a friend by now?” Immediately the Sun Princess perked up.
“Will you use that one spell, where we can rewatch the events of last night through your eyes? You were so proud when you first mastered that spell!”
“Of course, there is no other way to retell the tales of my first slumber party!”
Last night during the slumber party.
The slumber party was going great. The guide… was actually not too terrible according to Bob. Granted, it was clearly written with mares in mind, with all the mud masks, hair curlers, and other things the human couldn’t really join in on. Though he told spooky stories, joked with the Princess and the librarian. Though… one of the stories was a little bit too much. A story about a young boy, who died in a freak accident during summer camp, who came back to life as a cold hearted killer.
“So this is Bob?” Celestia asked. “He looks… relaxed,” the Sisters were watching from Luna’s point of view. “Albeit, there is… something wrong with how he looks.”
“Sister, this was after Bob walked into the Everfree Forest.”
“Did he get chased by a wild animal?”
“He went ‘i there to die,” Luna shook her head. A small smile formed on her face as Bob leaned into her past self’s side. He was currently resting on her. “Oh, the look on your student’s face; she was rather enchafed about Bob’s chosen cuddle buddy.”
“So Bob,” Luna from the past spoke. “I heard thou are able to play several instruments?”
“Yeah,” the human looked up from the book he was reading. “Why?”
“Thou can also sing, if I recall thy tale from earlier.”
“Uh… kinda? I’m not the best at it.”
“Would you be willing to sing? A song from your home, perhaps?” Past Luna asked.
Twilight Sparkle immediately perked up. “I would also like to hear you sing. You keep playing on your guitar whenever you aren’t working, and there’s melodies and chords I don’t recognize at all!”
“What is with you girls wanting me to sing and play the guitar?”
“Well…” Twilight smiled. “Whenever you’re performing, you seem happier.”
“Well, I like performing, it’s something to help me drown out the rest of my problems. Especially now where all my minute problems, like getting an A on tomorrow’s test sounds like the fucking dream right now.” Bob chuckled before getting off of Luna's side. He walked off, before quickly coming back with an old guitar. It was clearly worn, but it seemed to be Bob’s only possession.
“Oh my, Twilight never wrote about Bob being able to play the guitar…”
“Shush, sister. Bob is about to sing,” Luna hissed.
“Well…” Bob shrugged. Bob proceeded to play a simple song. “Stars don't shine. ”As the song played, Twilight wrote notes while she swayed side to side on beat with the song. The window through which both sisters were watching the human sing, swayed side to side as the past Luna hummed along with the human as the chorus rolled around. The way the human’s eyes lit up, the way he smiled… It was like it’s been months since he felt truly happy. As soon as the song came to an end, Bob let out a long breath. “Well?”
“That… was relaxing,” Twilight hummed the melody to herself. “You…” she hummed.
“Again, I love performing,” Bob let out a relaxed sigh. “Especially when my voice doesn’t crack, or I don’t mess up while performing like I just did… It's satisfying.”
“My…” Celestia whispered as she watched Bob sing another song as requested. “My…”
“Remember, sister. That is what our ponies tried to kill. That is who you are punishing. That was the creature that our country demanded dead. Just a nice, young stallion that simply wishes to live. He clearly has ambition,” she said as Bob sang a song he called ‘Refrain Boy’ and he stuttered a bunch and struggled with the guitar. “I understand that you wish to keep our subjects happy, but it should not come at the expense of ruining somepony’s life.” Luna said in perfect Equish.
“I-I know…” Celestia sighed. “Perhaps we shall invite Bob over for Hearth’s Warming and make an announcement? To get the country to open up to him?” She watched as Twilight and Luna in the vision actually gave tips to help Bob learn the song he had just gotten done struggling with. He drank the information up like he was about die of thirst if he didn't, and actually replayed the song slower so he wouldn’t panic as much while performing it.
“Perhaps we can do something… This Saturday. We can both make a public appearance; surely that will help Bob become accepted. And we can make him a citizen, remove his ‘crimes’ from his name, and lift his punishment. Our subjects will be more willing to accept those they see you being friendly with. It is why some griffins, despite being in a similar vein to Bob, both of whom are clearly predators, live in Equus.”
“...Perhaps we shall. I always avoided Nightmare Night, but if it is to right a wrong I’ve done to somepony so young, then I am willing to put up with it. Hearing you speak modern Equish perfectly is something I am not going to get used to.”
“Thou should’st not get wont it, sister. I am merely making sure thou understands how much I am taking this Seriously. Bob is mine friend, and I never enjoy seeing him suffer, nor would I like to find out that he committed suicide because of how base he had been treated during his time ‘i Equestria.” Luna reverted back to her ancient tongue.
The vision ended with a sleeping Bob, laying so he was facing away from the window the sisters watched the slumber party through. He was clearly cuddled up with Luna, happily snoozing away under the Princess’s wing. The window blinked a few times, each began to get progressively slower as it laid down atop the human’s head, before they completely shut, ending the vision.
The two sisters silently finished their meals.
The week following the play, and the week before Nightmare Night, not much had really changed for Bob. Despite his personal grievances, he still went to Cheerilee’s school, since Twilight argued that he should still use the opportunity to socialize. Twilight agreed to reward the human for every week he didn’t yell at Cheerilee when he went to school. The rewards were usually just snacks, maybe a small little session where the unicorn would teach something the human actually wanted to know. Of course, that seemed fair as well, since Twilight and her friends… were not on good terms with the school teacher.
The opportunity to socialize isn't something Bob could really argue with. He’s pretty sure if he cooped up in the library and only left for work, he would go insane. Of course, Bob still did well, but wasn’t enthusiastic about the history of Equestria as he once was. Why should he care for a race that doesn’t care for him? On Bob’s first day back, his classmates looked at him weird.
As to why, Bob couldn’t figure out. So, he was just sitting in class, nodding and pretending he was listening. After he had quickly made friends with Golden Arrow, the colt had been sitting next to him everyday in class due to the lack of assigned seats. As for why Bob didn’t notice, he was a bit busy stressing himself out over a song he had to write for… Bob shook his head. It wouldn’t do well to get mad. Most of the math and reading periods of the day were spent with the human helping his little pony friend, and that same little pony friend receiving ear and neck scratches whenever he got an answer right.
An incentive to do well in school.
“Hey,” Diamond Tiara interrupted the silence of a working class of foals. “Why does Golden Arrow, a blank flank, get pampered whenever he gets a question right?” She asked. Ms. Cheerilee looked up from her desk full of paperwork and letters. A lot of which were negative letters about her play. A lot of them involved a certain, angry human at the time. All of them were in favor of said angry human. “Ms, Cheerilee, Bob scratches that blank flank’s neck and ears whenever he ‘does well’. Yet I don’t see the rest of us getting those!”
“None of you showed interest in even talking or speaking with me,” Bob said, he was now being used by the mentioned blank flank as a chair. “Sometimes I scratch Apple Bloom for doing well, same with Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo. It’s just harder to do since they’re usually on the other side of the room from me.” Golden Arrow seemed a bit oblivious to the world, he was working through a multiplication problem on his own so Bob could see if the colt got the hang of doing the work on his own. The foal cooed as Bob showed his approval for the right answer, which was a chin scratch. “And Arrow’s my friend, I tend to scratch the backs of my pony friends… if I have any.”
“Ape, you cannot speak,” Diamond Tiara grunted. “You’re not even a pony, you’re not important! Just like how you weren’t important at the play.”
“Cool.” The human’s eye twitched. “I got to hangout with a Princess last week, and even became friends with her shortly after meeting her. So me not being important at a play wasn’t too big of a deal- Arrow, make sure you carry your numbers over in division-” the colt nodded and went back to focusing on his work. “So why are you mad about me choosing to pet somebody who likes getting petted?”
“The whole class should be petted and scratched for doing well on their assignments!”
“If that were the case, I’d be here all day. Secondly,” He hummed. “Shut up.” Bob flipped the filly off, before checking his friend’s work again. “Hey, you got everything right.” Bob nodded in approval. Golden Arrow cheered and spun around so he could hug the human.
“Thank you, Bob!” Arrow remained, his little legs wrapped around Bob’s chest. “You’re a good teacher; I wouldn’t be able to get everything right without you!”
“Hey, you just needed a few tips. The things that our teacher,” the human sigh eyed Cheerilee. “Teaches math with methods that are not only longer, but more complicated. You learnt the trick of the trade, and then your brain did the rest!” Bob chuckled and then froze as Arrow’s muzzle shot up and licked him in the neck. “Feck, that tickles kid, please don’t…” Arrow looked up at him maliciously. “Uh… Please don’t tickle me after school.” Arrow smiled and opened his mouth, only to get interrupted.
“Get a room!” Diamond Tiara shouted. “Look, I got everything right!” She picked her paper up in her mouth. “I should geth scratcthes tooth!” Her voice was a bit muffled by the paper.
“Kid, you got twenty two from six times three. You didn’t get everything right.” Bob pointed out. “And if you weren’t entirely unlikeable, and actually nice to me, I’d happily scratch your back even without you getting everything right.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders walked up to Bob’s desk and showed him their papers. They promptly got ear scratches. Perfect grades, by the look of things. They cheered and went to turn their assignments in, after taking Bob and Arrow’s papers at the human’s request. “As it stands, Diamond Tiara, four ‘losers’ are better at something than you. Which is not being a stinky piece of shit.” Bob leaned back, only to remember that none of the desks were made for anything bipedal.
“Oh please, you’re lucky that I don’t have Daddy lock you up in the pound.” Bob remained silent, setting Arrow on the ground. He got out of his seat. “Where do you think you’re going? To get your mommy?” Diamond Tiara taunted. Bob stopped in his tracks. “Or are you going to get your daddy? I bet they’re both just as worthless as-”
“Diamond Tiara, I’m not going to punch you in the face, since you didn’t know any better, but…” Bob said slowly. “My mother is dead… It’s why I even know how to sing at all. I sang in a choir because my Dad said she absolutely loved church choirs, and I thought she’d be happy to hear me sing in one, if she was watching me from her home up in the sky. I never even got to know her. I’m the youngest of four siblings, and Mom died after I was born.” The human took a deep breath. “My dad worked two jobs to keep our family afloat with Mom being dead. My dad was the strongest man I ever knew, so don’t you dare call him worthless. My fucking dog is a better person than you’ll ever be, so don’t you dare fucking talk about my family, you worthless, little shit. At least you can see your parents at the end of every day; I can’t even have that while living in Equestria.” Diamond Tiara’s jaw was hanging. Her eyes were even wider now as she slowly closed her mouth.
“L-look… I-I didn’t mean to-”
“Yes you did!” Arrow shouted. “You were being mean on purpose! Now look, my friend looks about ready to cry.” Bob patted the colt on the head.
“Don’t worry about me kiddo, it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll keep on living; Ma wouldn’t be too happy if I decided to die…”
“That’s not okay! I’m telling Mom!” Bob blinked a couple of times, that confused him to the point that he couldn’t even feel being broken anymore…
“Tell her what?” He raised an eyebrow.
Bob walked out of the schoolhouse a few hours later, the rest of the day was uneventful and quiet, with Diamond Tiara being held in school during recess because of what she had said. The human sat down on a bench and simply ate a sandwich he had made himself, a LT(lettuce snd tomato sammich). “Hey Bob,” the human slowly looked up at the sound of that voice. Sitting across from him was Venice Arrow, his friend’s mother. Beside her was the colt in question, sitting there with a bright smile on his face.
“Hey, Ms. Arrow… Why are you looking at me, like you’re… Did somebody pass away?” Bob asked.
“No, Bob. I was… Told of what happened to your mother by my little Arrow.” The human raised an eyebrow. “And, while I am sure Twilight Sparkle is doing an excellent job and housing and taking care of your needs, she isn’t really a replacement for a mother,” the mare reached out with her hooves and managed to grab ahold of the human’s hands despite her not having fingers. “If you need anything, a place to say, a shoulder to cry into, and while I know you excel in the work the school gives you, somepony to help and support you, I will be here.” Bob blinked a couple times at Venice’s words… His brain could barely process what was going on.
“Wha?” Bob sputtered. “But… you’ve known me for a week.”
“Does it matter? You are a friend of Golden, so I know I’ll be seeing you a lot. And while I won’t force adoption on you, or ask that you call me mother, just… if you need somepony to act as a mother when you need it, I’m here for you.” Bob stared at the mare as she stared right back into his eyes. They looked… genuinely concerned for him. Not even a week, that’s how long she knew him, and Venice was already willing to act like a mother for him, should he desire it. Bob sighed before standing up and walking around the table.
“If you’ll tolerate me and all of my problems…” Bob hugged the mare. “Then thank you.”
The next few days, the Arrows would stop by the Gold Oaks Library to spend some time with the human. Other than the visits and school, Bob didn’t have anything to do. After Bob had been so thoroughly screwed over, Twilight and her friends suddenly decided to stop having him do any sort of work, so he just practiced halloween songs in his free time. The few ponies that actually came by to check a book out, ended up just sitting near the human to listen to whatever he was playing while they read, or just to listen to the human sing, what he believed to be, some terrible music.
Then, the night came, well, Nightmare Night did. Bob didn’t make a costume, since he couldn’t sew, and he didn’t want to bother Rarity with his costume ideas. So, when in doubt, and because he just didn’t want to go outside, on a chilly night, to celebrate a pony version of a holiday he already didn’t celebrate, he decided to try and lock himself in the basement for the night… which he would’ve done if Twilight didn’t drag him out of the basement and kept him from entering it after she learnt of his plans. So, Bob just sat around, frowning as he sat next to a bowl of candy. After saying that he wanted to also stay inside, that didn’t fly with Twilight either.
So Spike got to stay home and hand candy out, while Bob was forced to come along with Twilight even if he didn’t have a costume. So here he was, sitting down and waiting for the unicorn to finally make an appearance, as she was apparently trying to make sure that her costume was on exactly how she liked it, before she came down stairs. How Spike, who dressed up in a dragon onesie, that seemed to be skin tight, got his costume on faster, Bob couldn’t guess.
The door finally opened and the sounds of bells could be heard. As she descended, with her eyes closed, Spike and Bob watched. Bob had no idea what she was trying to be, and Spike probably had some idea of who she was meant to be. “Are you that one grumpy grandpa from the retirement home?” Spike asked.
“I’m Starswirl the Bearded!” Twilight continued to try and remind Spike of who that was, before there was a knock on the door. The human in the room just sat there, before picking up his guitar. He walked to the door and… all the foals stared up at him.
“Whoa! What are you trying to be?”
“...I don’t have a costume.”
“So you’re that ugly looking?” Another kid asked.
They were his fucking classmates.
“Why don’t you have a costume, Mr. Ugly Thing?” The other filly asked.
Bob stared at the kids for a moment. “I’m going to buy alcohol and knock myself… out…” Spike burped up a letter.
“It’s for you,” the baby dragon handed him the scroll… that had Luna’s seal on it.
Dear Bob,
I am informing you that myself and my sister shall be arriving in Ponyville to celebrate Nightmare Night with you. I think we will have quite a bit of fun, and that you’ll enjoy your night. So as much as you would like to stay home, at least try to be out and about for an hour with Celestia and Us. Sorry, my wretched sister is trying to make sure I write this letter in modern Equestria and making sure I refer to myself as ‘I’. Now she’s giving me puppy eyes in the chariot as I write this because she saw what I called her-
Hello, Bob. I took the letter from Luna, since she was so mean to me, I am sad. Anyways, I don’t usually partake in Nightmare Night, for one reason or another, but tonight will be special. I want to spend the night with you; Luna has told me much, and while our last interaction was when you first arrived in Equestria, I do hope to spend the night with you and truly interact with you. We’ll also be telling you some very important news, so you best not hide away in my student’s basement, alright?
Love, Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.
P. S. Hope to see your costume. I’ll be a bananna- Celestia.
P.P.S Luna wants a belly rub when the night is over; she’s heard wonderful things about it after she stole one of Twilight’s friendship reports out from under my nose.
Bob stared down at the letter, mostly shocked at… how informal it was. With how formal Celestia was, to how Luna seemed to be one for tradition, and how formal Twilight’s letters had to be, according to the unicorn herself, the letter just looked like two friends talking to somebody they hadn’t seen in a while through letters. Though… Bob was not looking forward to seeing Celestia again. While she probably meant well, and while he wanted to take the punishment she gave him, he had given it some thought.
She really punished him for not being able to get food legally, and for defending himself when ponies assaulted him for taking their food. Granted, it was just community service, but it was still absolute bullshit.
If Celestia rightened that wrong, then he probably would like to get to know the Princess more.
“What does it say, Bob?” Twilight asked.
“Luna wants a belly rub, and Celestia is a banana. Both of them are gonna be here in about twenty minutes, and they’ll be arriving at town hall.” Bob said, staring down at the letter. “Can’t wait to hug Luna again, the way she nuzzles into it is super cute.” Bob started walking towards town hall. “Go ahead and enjoy your night, Twilight! If you wanna join me and your mentor, and your mentor’s sister you can!” Bob broke into a sprint, his guitar in tow.
By the time the human had made it to the Town Hall, two tall, equine shaped figures touched the ground. “Lulu, I know you wanted to follow tradition, but did we have to do it so menacingly?” The taller figure asked.
“Uh… No sister, I do not know why lightning struck as soon as the two of us touched the ground, but I’m certain our subjects will be more than happy to at least see you. It’ll mean they can’t be scared of me, when they’re too busy gawking at your… outfit. Why are you a banana?”
“Because I would like to celebrate Nightmare Night, since I agreed to come out here, and a banana just seems fitting.” Both figures took their hoods off to reveal… Celestia in a very fitting costume of a specific yellow fruit, whereas Luna had forgotten any costumes at all, and was only wearing her regalia. Bob broke into a sprint again and promptly tackled Luna as she and her older sister continued to chat. He wrapped his arms around her neck and hugged her tightly. Since Luna was significantly heavier than he was, she didn’t even budge, but she stood there in shock.
“Luna!” Bob cheered as the Moon Princess first got over her shock, and she lowered to her knees, or rather the pony equivalent, and started giggling as Bob happily hugged onto his new best friend. “It’s been a minute!”
“It has actually been a week. Is your perception of time warped, perchance?” The Princess chuckled as her human proceeded to explain to her that it was slang.
“I see you’ve been working on speaking a bit more modernly.” Bob said, noting how Luna hadn’t slipped, even if there was a slight accent to her more… modern speech.
“‘Tis so that it is easier to understand me. Thou must know that I sometimes fall into old habits.”
“You, Luna, you said thou instead of you.”
“Buck off, sister.” The two siblings snickered, only for Celestia to puff her cheeks. Bob was scratching her younger sister, and said sibling seemed to heavily enjoy being pampered by those paws of Bob’s. He scratched here, scratched there, and Luna was more than willing to receive scratches and help Bob find the spots that itches the most, while Bob was more than willing to help her with those itches.
“Can I be petted as well?” Celestia asked. “I know I have an itch under my wing that could use scratching.
“Neigh, sister, Bob is my human,” Princess Luna nuzzled into her human’s arms.
Bob finally let go of Luna, not without one more ear scratch, and stood up. “Howdy, Celestia. How’s life going?”
“It is going well, how is your time in Ponyville going?” She asked.
“Oh yeah, life’s going great,” Bob chuckled. “I guess it’s going great at least. I’m not dead yet, despite one of my recent efforts to try and become a corpse, but Luna kinda stopped that.” Bob hugged Luna again, now that she too had stood up. “And she is partially why I haven’t tried again; I’m alone, but Luna is too, together, we aren’t so alone.” Luna cooed as she received another scratch, only to glare up at Bob.
“What was that, about trying to become a corpse? You best not try to get yourself killed, Mister. Don’t you dare leave me alone again!” Luna nipped Bob’s ear and he yelped.
“It… you two bonded rather quickly.”
“Of course we did, sister. Bob is considered evil by our subjects, like how I was a thousand years ago. The only difference is I could interfere before Bob truly became ‘evil’.” Luna sighed as she noted the guitar on his back. “Do you plan on playing a song?”
“There’s a scary contest thing, where you try and do something to scare the crowd. I know of a few songs that my kind has produced… that could probably scare somebody. I hope I can win, I doubt I’ll even be allowed to compete, but I’ll attempt to, and if I can’t, that’s a shame. I’ll just go home and see if I can’t break into Twilight’s wine cabinet and drink myself into an early sleep.” Bob shrugged before his eyes narrowed at Celestia. “So, I know you wanna actually be my friend, but there are several problems here.”
“I believe you’ve come to understand the circumstances for your punishments are… rather unfair,” Celestia noted.
“Meh, it doesn’t matter now, since I’m still living with them, so there’s no point in worrying about it. Another thing is that you are terrifying.”
“Why is that?” Celestia tilted her head. “Is it my magic?”
“It’s a mix of things. You’re very clearly good at magic, with how long you’ve been alive, you’re taller and heavier than I am, and can order me dead at the drop of a hat.” Bob shrugged. “Maybe my fear’s unfounded, you’re probably the nicest pony, besides Luna, that I’ll ever meet.” Bob shrugged. “Luna can order me killed and is probably just as strong as you are, but she’s only as tall as I am, and…” Bob scratched the now sleepy Princess; he had been idly scratching her and it was making Luna a bit drowsy. “She’s yet to even do anything, she used her magic to get me out of a hiding place and immediately asked if I was alright, instead of making sure I wasn’t a threat…”
“‘Tis a bit foolish to think you are a threat,” Luna pulled herself away from the human. “I need you to stop scratching me or I will end up sleeping on my hooves.” She then headbutted Bob lightly. “Come, the night is young, and I wish to understand how ponies celebrate Nightmare Night. Come, come!” She happily trotted along, taking Bob along with her as she pranced towards ponies… who were cowering in fear at the sight of her. Luna sighed and lost a lot of the spring in her step. Bob hopped off of Luna’s back and he started walking beside her.
“Hey, Apple Jack’s over there, I think she’s doing some apple bobbing.” Bob pointed out. The three of them approached, and at Bob’s urging, Luna was first to try, and had to be explained the rules by the farm pony. Meanwhile, the human and Celestia sat down together a bit away, and the Sun Princess sighed. She wasn’t enjoying the human’s silence.
“So Bob,” Celestia broke the silence first.” Why don’t you like me?”
“You’re old enough to guess why. You’re a nice mare, I’m sure, but you represent, in my mind, a country that simply hates me. You gave me a punishment. Back when I said I was guilty and would take any punishment? I was saving my own ass from being killed, or whatever the fuck you were going to do me. I’m some stupid kid, in way over his head, and I was terrified of what you would've done to me. In reality… You punished me for trying to live. I know you probably had to; a good king never does what he wants, does he? No, he does what seems like what would be in favor of the masses. If you let ‘something’ like me loose in Ponyville without anything to make me ’behave’, then your ponies would get angry.” Bob sighed. “I can’t blame ‘Celestia’ but I can blame ‘Princess Celestia’ for what I’ve been through. The problem is separating the Princess from the Mare.”
“...You are very mature for your age.”
“Had to be; can’t be childish if I know I’m gonna fuckin’ die to a stray unicorn spell, can I?”
“I suppose not,” Celestia outstretched a wing. “Perhaps we can start anew?” Luna shouted at the tub full of apples as she struggled at apple bobbing. “I know Luna wished to relay the news, but you are no longer being punished for your ‘crimes’. You are free to live life as you see fit, be sent home once my mages find a spell to do so, anything. You don’t need to pour another hour into community service.” Luna rejoiced, finally grabbing an apple, only to curse when that was her prize.
And then rejoiced at how good the apple tasted.
“I suppose… we can try and move past this, Celestia. I don’t like holding grudges, I really don’t; I can say what I want about religion, but boy does it have some good lessons here and there.” Bob grinned as Luna tried her hoof at apple bobbing one more time, only to fail again. “How about we pretend like we just met again…” Bob outstretched a hand. “I’m Bob, Luna met me while she was exploring the ruins of your old castle. I believe you’re her older sister, Celestia?”
Celestia immediately played along, taking the hand. “Indeed I am, I am Celestia. You are Bob, this… human Luna’s told me about?”
“Right on the money. I heard you like cake?”
“I do, do you know how to bake one?”
“My older brother worked in a bakery; taught me everything I know about baking cakes. Perhaps I can bake one for Luna’s birthday and I can slide you a slice?”
“...That would be lovely…” Both Princess and Human sighed. “Do you wish to be sent back to Earth?” Bob grunted when a very volatile Princess Luna tackled him. All he did was grin as he watched Luna nuzzle into his chest about her trials in apple bobbing. He just looked back up at Celestia and slowly shook his head. “I see.” The two nodded at each other before they went to do more activities. Luna seemed to be on an emotional rollercoaster. Every time Luna would be happy for winning a little minigame, Pinkie was nearby to call her Nightmare Moon and make her sad again.
Luckily Bob easily got her out of her funk every time by pointing at a game where the two could compete in, and he would let Luna win by just a hair each time. Occasionally, the Sisters would compete and Celestia would pout when her little sister won, as Luna would pout each time her older sister won. Bob was now staring across from Celestia, as they were having a staring contest. The winner got a free mug of Sweet Apple Acres Apple Cider, brewed on the spot by Big Mac, who was running the booth.
Bob won the cider, but couldn’t have any since he was underaged and Luna wouldn’t let him even sip it. So Big Mac gave the human some apple juice to make up for it.
After the three had grown tired of the festivities, mostly due to Celestia being tired of seeing her little sister go through an emotional rollercoaster, they all retreated to the comforts of the library.
They even skipped the contest Bob wanted to attend. He was also getting tired of seeing Luna being so heavily affected by how foals perceive her.
“So Bob,” Luna started. “I am going to try my best to say this… Especially in a modern tongue so that you’ll understand this.” She cleared her throat. “I, Princess Luna, revoke any and all crimes that are held to your name. Any punishments you have received for your crimes and now null and void. You are a free stallion and you are officially a citizen of Equestria!” Bob paused as he sat down.
Princess Celestia summoned a cushion as Bob genuinely smiled.
“It won’t do much in the way of ponies accepting me,” Bob sighed. “But at least I’m no longer ‘in debt’ to ponies.” He hummed. “However, Luna,” the moon Princess looked up from a cup of hot cocoa that she had just brewed… with ingredients she got from nowhere. “I do remember something that your letter addressed, and something I believe is important. Put your hot chocolate down.”
“Why am I doing this?” Luna asked, she did put her mug down, but she was confused. Bob walked over to her and coaxed the alicorn into laying all the way down… Head, neck and stomach, before rolling her over and rubbing her belly. Celestia and Bob nodded to each other; Luna served as the glue that would start their new friendship. “Oh joyous night!” Luna let out a very pleased sigh. “Your Princess enjoys this, Bob. Do continue!”
“Your fur’s nice, soft and fun to run my hands through, so I will keep rubbing your belly.”
Luna, despite being nocturnal, dozed off while her human pampered her.
“When will I get a belly rub?” Celestia asked, pouting a little.
“Hmm… stay on my good side until Christmas, and I’ll rub your belly.”
“I don’t know when that is, but how about you rub my belly if I successfully become your friend by the end of the year?”
“Deal.” Bob sighed. “God, it feels like a weight’s been lifted off my chest. Don’t get me wrong, Celestia, I am still a bit mad, despite us trying to start over a new leaf, but I’ll try and look past this. I don’t wanna hold a grudge, and now I really don’t have a reason to be bitter to you, now that I’m officially a free man.” Bob laid down and laid his head on Luna’s chest. “I hope things will start looking better.” Luna’s eyes snapped open as she looked down at the human sleeping on her belly.
“This is the best moment of my life.” She whispered as she curled her body around Bob’s head.
Entering The Twilight Zone
Throughout the month following Nightmare Night, Bob and Luna had become pen pals of sorts, Bob would tell the princess of what he was doing with his newfound free time, Luna would tell the human about her duties, odd cases in her night court, and they’d pen each other once a week, since that was as fast as the post office could be for them. Meanwhile, Bob spent a lot more time away from school, after he had told Twilight that he was a free man, and after telling her about what happened with Diamond Tiara, the two of them agreed that it would be better if he didn’t go to school everyday.
Twilight and her friends were told of Bob’s recently acquired freedom. For some reason, only Rarity and Fluttershy stopped by to see how the human was doing. While Bob and Twilight started talking a bit more freely, now that Twilight wasn’t there to act as a warden for him, in Bob’s eyes, he felt it was much easier to get along with the unicorn. Them writing Pony Hallelujah together already helped them get along better as it was.
Also, Twilight started using Bob’s lap as a makeshift pony bed more often, which certainly helped them bond.
Granted, Bob still went to school, once or twice a week, to help Golden Arrow or the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and even began tutoring them outside of class with anything that wasn’t history, as that was still one of the human’s weaker subjects. Math and Equish came naturally, given how higher up the human was in his education, and was more than willing to spend an hour out of his day, petting four adorable foals, teaching said foals, and promptly play with them shortly afterwards.
This made Bob show up at the school even less.
Bob was told of a holiday in the pony equivalent of November, called Hearth’s Warming, which just sounded like Christmas, but in November… and it was for ponies and celebrated for very different reasons. There was also a severe lack of gift giving on Hearth’s Warming as it was mainly about spending time with the family. Twilight got a letter in the mail from her family, and a letter from Spike. Twilight, Spike and Bob would be leaving for Canterlot to spend the week and most of Hearth’s Warming with the dragon and unicorn’s parents, and they wanted Bob to come along so he wouldn’t miss out of the party that Celestia was hosting on Hearth’s Warming day for herself, Luna, The Elements, who would be arriving on the train the day before, and of course, Bob.
Bob sent a letter to Luna before they left, wishing her happy holidays and expressing how happy he would be to see his favorite Alicorn, Princess, and Pony again. And how he’d get to hangout with her all in one day to boot.
As in Luna, Luna was all three of those things. Yes, Twilight read that part of the letter, and was mildly upset when she wasn’t Bob’s favorite pony. “C’mon Twilight,” Bob said, sitting down next to her on the train. A few ponies were eying Bob, while others were choosing to ignore him. That was a major step up from how he thought he’d be treated on the train. “You’re my favorite unicorn!” He chuckled as Twilight huffed. He wrapped an arm around her. “You’re probably one of my best friends, but Luna is my best, best friend. She’s nothing but sweet to me. You, you’re still pretty nice; it’s why I like the two of you! You’re actually nice!”
“Hmph!” Twilight crossed her hooves, before sighing and leaning into the human’s hands as they scratched her head. “Okay, you make a good argument as to why I shouldn’t stay mad at you.” She made an adorable little squeal as Bob scratched her jaw. “Oh… that feels so good!”
“Damn women, only wanting to be loved and cared for. How dare they!” Bob chuckled as he pulled the unicorn onto his lap.
“M’am,” a stallion, who had just boarded the train and was walking to his seat. He had clearly stopped to stare at the spectacle before him. “You do realize that monster’s probably going to eat you in your sleep, right?”
Twilight got ready to argue, but the human cut her off before she could open her mouth. “Oh yeah, I’m gonna eat her,” Bob blew a raspberry into Twilight’s stomach. That elicited a giggle out of the lavender horse. “Eat her out maybe,” a tail whack from Twilight made him snicker; he wanted to use that joke ever since he heard the rumors about him eating ponies, and now he could! The stallion blinked a couple times, before chuckling to himself.
“A little too much information… Mister. That caught me off guard, and I can say that I’m pleasantly surprise.” The stallion sat down across from them, he was an earth pony, brown, and sported a bowtie. “You’re quite the interesting fellow, you wouldn’t happen to be this… mini sasquatch that was the main story in the newspaper for the last few months, are you?”
The human looked up from Twilight, now that he was rubbing her belly, she had stopped paying attention. Instead, she closed her eyes and started purring. “I am. Got a problem with it?” Bob couldn’t help smirk a little at Twilight’s purring.
“Not at all, I was mostly curious. I’m glad to see that most of the rumors are false. I’ve heard a few things about that unicorn; she lives in the same town as I do. She doesn’t make a lot of friends easily. If Miss Twilight Sparkle is willing to take a nap in your arms, then you’re practically harmless.” Bob looked down and groaned; he realized what a napping Twilight meant when she was laying on him. “What?”
“On one hand, she is adorable, and is sleeping in my arms… on the other, she is drooling on me, and she’s laying her head in a way so that her tongue is laying on my stomach.” Bob threw his head back. “God dammit,” he sighed. He tried to move the unicorn’s head without waking her up, but then stopped when Twilight nuzzled into the hand that was now propping her head up…
She was now drooling in Bob’s hand. “Fucker!” Bob whispered, so he wouldn’t wake Twilight up. Spike snickered at the human’s predicament. Bob had to hold his friend’s head up the whole time while he got covered in pony drool.
When the train stopped, Bob was now stuck with a predicament. There was a pony in his lap, a pony he likes, and she was still asleep. On the other hand, he had a suitcase he had to carry. “Spike, please help me. I know you and I were never the closest of friends, but…” Bob tried his best puppy eyes. “Please, please either wake Twilight up for me, or take care of our bags. Because either I carry a mini-horse across Canterlot, without knowing where the fuck I’m supposed to go, or I wake up an adorable mini-horse.”
“Mmm, I know the way. You can carry Twilight. She woke up early after planning late into the night while planning the week out. You could use the workout, if I say so myself.” The unicorn, despite not stirring the entire train ride, woke up in a heartbeat.
“I’m awake!” She looked around, only to realize where she was; in a human’s arms. She blushed lightly before teleporting out of the human’s grip.
“Oh thank god I don’t have to carry you, you’re heavy as hell.” Bob sighed in relief before grabbing his bags, which mainly consisted of a guitar bag that Rarity made him, and a backpack that held his clothes.
“Are you saying I’m fat?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No, horses are heavy. You are a horse. You are heavy. Granted, you’re not as heavy as Luna; I almost broke my back trying to carry her… Fuck, Luna likes being carried around like she’s a big dog.” Bob threw his head back again and sighed. “Well, let’s go meet your family. We’re meeting them at the station, aren’t we?” The human asked.
“No, I told Mom and Dad that I’d meet them at the house; I wanted to keep you as a surprise. They know about a friend of mine named Bob, but they don’t know what he is. They’ll love you, and you’ll probably love them. Oh, I cannot wait to have you meet Shining Armor, and if all of the last Hearth’s Warmings are any indicator, you’ll be meeting Cadance as well!”
Bob just looked confused. “...Who? Isn’t that a musical term?”
“My brother is Shining Armor, and Cadance is my foalsitter. They’ve been spending a lot of time together recently. I don’t know why.” Bob hummed, and immediately guessed why in his head. He didn’t say anything though, and instead silently followed Twilight and her assistant/brother through Canterlot. He was getting even more odd looks than he usually received, but the human did his best to ignore them. They weren’t attacking him, probably because of Twilight being right next to him, and as long as he wasn’t getting murdered, he was mostly fine.
So instead of focusing on the ponies giving him weird looks, he focused on the decorations. There were tons of reds, greens. Tall, possibly fake candy canes stood at around the human’s height, there was mistletoe, and christmas reefs. It was all so eerily similar to the human equivalents such as christmas. The only thing that Bob has yet to see are any Christmas trees. Canterlot itself looked so… normal for a city that was stuck to the side of a mountain. It was almost like it was standing on flat ground, with how the air pressure didn’t change despite how tall Mount Canterlot was.
Before Bob could drink in any of the sights, such as the giant castle that Luna and Celestia lived in, they reached Twilight’s home. She knocked on the door and a few muffled voices could be heard. “Coming!” a stallion’s voice said. Twilight looked a moment away from jumping up and down in excitement. The door opened to… a white, tall stallion. He was almost as tall as Luna, he was a unicorn much like Twilight. His hooves were… actually different from the rest of his legs, as they matched his mostly dark purple mane and tail.
“B.B.B.F.F!” Twilight tackled her big brother while Spike snuck by to rid him himself of all the luggage he had to carry. Bob just sat with his hands in his pockets while he waited to be invited inside.
“Twily! How is my Little Sister Best Friend Forever doing?” Shining Armor noogied the mare like she was a little filly. “And where is this… Bob,” his eyes landed on the human, and they went from warm and friendly, to cold and hate-filled. The human scratched the back of his head before getting ready to turn around. “Twilight, why did you bring the animal that Princess Celestia told you to watch over? Do you know how dangerous it is?” Bob slouched.
“Shiny, That is Bob!” The older unicorn’s eyes widened.
“So,” Bob said slowly. “I think I’m going to see if I can’t just sleep in the castle for the next week. I’m sure Luna won’t mind, and I can get around to baking the cake I promised Celestia.”
“You’re not going anywhere, Bob,” Twilight got behind him and started pushing him inside. “Just give my family a chance, if you still don’t like them, then I’ll take you to Canterlot Castle myself, alright?”
“...If I get called an animal again, or get assaulted, I am leaving. And I don’t mean I’m leaving the house, I’m gonna just straight up leave and see if I can’t build a log cabin and farm potatoes or something… Or die trying, that also works. I’ve had enough of that shit.”
Twilight nodded. “Shining Armor, Bob, Bob, Shining Armor.”
Shining Amor raised a hoof. “Uh… hey. Look, sorry about-”
“You’re just saying sorry so you won’t upset me, which would then upset your sister. Just tell me straight, do you want me here?”
“Not particularly, but Mom and Dad got letters from Twilight all the time, highlighting how nice this ‘Bob’ was. I didn’t know that… the thing my guards were chasing last year was this Bob. So I’ll give you a chance, even if I want to drag you to the dungeons.” Shining Armor sighed. Before heading inside with Twilight. Bob stood outside for a few more moments, before following inside as well.
Standing on the other side of the door was a mare, who looked almost exactly like Twilight, same mane, same tail, same general shape. She was just an entirely different color, her coat was light gray, her mane was a mix of purple and light gray. Her cutie mark was three blue stars. Her light blue eyes stared up at him with a mix of awe and curiosity. “So, this is that stallion you’ve been writing to me about, Twilight? I must say, he is a strange fellow.”
“I get that a lot, if you look past-”
“I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. You’re a bit handsome in your own way. Nice muscles, very well-toned even if they’re not very big. Granted, you are covering a lot of them… perhaps the clothing is to tease my little girl?” The mare asked. She giggled at her daughter’s groan and subsequent, long, irritated ‘Mom’. “I’m Twilight Velvet, as you can tell, I am Twilight Sparkle’s mother. I’ve heard a lot from you,” she raised a hoof and Bob took it. “Is that a guitar bag on your back? Twilight, you did not tell me that your coltfriend was talented.”
“...What’s a coltfriend?” Bob asked. The human slowly worked through a bunch of mental hoops as the mare before him was giggling up a fit and Twilight was burying her face into her brother’s shoulder. “Oh… Uh, I dunno if you would be proud if Twilight and I were dating. I’m only sixteen, Mrs. Velvet.”
“Oh, I’m just poking a bit of fun at my daughter, I know how old you are. Come, take your shoes off and join the rest of the family in the living room. Anypony that managed to become one of Twilight’s few friends must be special.”
“...But-”
“Yes, I heard of the ‘horrible’ things you’ve done, such as trying to get food. While I don’t agree with how you did it, I also know that you didn’t have another choice. As a mother, and with the knowledge of how young you are, I was a bit mad when I heard that my daughter was watching you; you needed somepony to love and feed you, not a warden.” Twilight Velvet gave the human a warm smile. “If you need anything, I’m only a letter away. While you are under this roof, you are my child. Don’t be afraid to ask me for anything.”
“...I already like you,” Bob knelt down and hugged Velvet. “Thank you… Ponies like you are a breath of fresh air for me.”
“Why’s that? If you didn’t hurt anypony, then maybe nopony would’ve attacked you,” Shining Armor growled.
“Shining!” Twilight Velvet got ready to scold her son, only to glance over at the human. Bob had removed his jacket, leaving him with just his tank top and his pants. The ponies, who weren’t used to Bob, stared at him with wide eyes.
“That… is a lot of scars,” Shining Armor got close. “Are those lightning spell burns?”
“Oh those,” Bob shrugged. “They still sting to this day, but humans are built for suffering, so I’ll live. I can survive an arrow to the calf, so I can take just a little bit of extra pain.”
“...What did you do to get those burns?”
“I bumped into a filly on my first day in Equestria. I thought she was adorable, so I started petting her. When I stopped, she asked for more and broke my brain because, where I come from, ponies can’t talk. My brain short circuited and-” Bob snickered. “Ah no-if only-her dad showed up while that filly was laying in my lap, and he started yelling at me. Shot me in the back when I turned to run away. My leg’s probably got a similar burn, which hurts a bit more, but you guys don’t have burn cream. So I just live with the pain. It’s not that bad, just a light buzz in the burns.”
“...Sweet, bucking Celestia,” Shining Armor looked Bob in the eyes. “This happened because you were being nice to a foal?”
“Eeyup. The next town shot an arrow into one of my legs when I asked for help with the first burns. How I’m not dead is a miracle… I guess. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather be dead.” Bob looked the stallion in the eyes. “I didn’t want to steal food or punch ponies in the face to secure that food, but I had to.”
“...I see that now. Buck, everypony is usually so friendly to each other.” Shining Armor nuzzled the human’s shoulder. “And you’re barely older than Spike is…” He shook his head. “Why the buck were my stallions chasing a child through the wilderness?”
“You, young man,” Twilight Velvet nuzzled Bob’s other shoulder. “Are going to receive a healthy dose of the Twilight Family’s hugs and kisses throughout the week. To think that you’ve been through so much!”
With that, both Twilights walked further into the house, towards the living room. Bob and Shining Armor stood side by side. “Listen, Bob,” the older of the two started. “I really need to tell you that I’m sorry. I don’t know if I can fully trust you just yet, but know that I won’t be openly hostile with you, or try to make offhoof remarks about you. You’re a foal, you’re barely older than my little brother, and ponies were attacking you! I sent my soldiers out after you because you just wanted some food!”
“It’s water under the bridge. At least you have the audacity to apologize. The effort’s been made, and I can appreciate that,” Bob lowered himself slightly and looked Shining Armor in the eyes. “I can guarantee you that I won’t hurt anyone in your family. Your sister and I get along well enough, and I already love your mother. Is Cadance here?” Shining Armor nodded. “Well, I can tell you two are getting extra cuddly, tell me about her.”
Speak of the devil.
“Shiny, are you being mean to that human?” A pink alicorn, who looked a lot like a smaller Luna, but without a flowing mane, and was… very pink. She had a blond, blue and pink mane. She currently lacked a crown or any form of regalia, but the human could assume she had gone without it while visiting her lover’s family. Bob stared at the Princess of Love as she approached the two stallions.
“Nah, Shining Armor and I had a disagreement, and we solved it. Right now, I’m hoping to at least be in the good graces of one of my friends’ families.” Bob looked at the alicorn and the unicorn. He then set his eyes on the alicorn. “So, what are you the Princess of? Luna’s got the moon, Celestia’s got the sun. Do you control the planet or something?”
“I’m the Princess of Love,” she chuckled at the human’s blank expression. “Did I catch you off guard?”
“A little. No offense, but going from the Sun, the Moon, and then Love? What’s next, a friendship Princess?” Bob chuckled. “Uh… sorry if I offended you somehow. I’m a wee bit used to talking to myself since all I had was my own company for a year.”
“You’d have to do a lot more than that, to offend me, Bob.” Bob raised an eyebrow. “What? Auntie Luna loves talking about you. She talks about how much you snuggle up with her, how you listen to everything she says, she even has Auntie Celestia read the letters you sent her. Just last week she was gushing over how she wanted to… Actually, I’m not going to say anything about that, since it’ll ruin the surprise.”
“Uh… okay then.”
“So you can play the guitar?” Bob nodded. “The piano?”
“And the drums and violin. I’m only any good with a guitar, and I’m decent with a piano. A professional violinist would probably gut me if they heard me play.” Bob took on his best ‘snob accent’. “Oi, what the fok you plain’ mate? You make my cat's farts sound like a symphony!” That actually got the Princess to laugh. “But yeah, I can play the guitar. I even brought it since Twilight insisted I bring it for Hearth’s Warming.”
“Well, let’s go into the living room and out of the entrance,” Cadance wrapped a wing around the human and led him inside.
After introductions were out of the way, Bob sat in the corner of Twilight’s room, since the two of them were used to sleeping in the same room together. He was currently alone, having put his bags down, and his coat. After he got his stuff put up, the human walked downstairs to meet properly and spend some time with Twilight and her family. Upon reaching downstairs, Night Light, Spike and Shining Armor were talking about buckball while the the mares of the house were sitting at the table and having tea. The human promptly decided to join the mares, if only to stay close to Twilight Sparkle.
“Do you want some tea as well, Bob?” Twilight Velvet asked.
“No thanks, Ms. Velvet. So, what is buck ball?” Bob asked quietly.
“Don’t let Night Light or my sons hear you ask that,” Twilight Velvet whispered. The mares proceeded to explain what it was as Bob rubbed his chin.
“Sounds like a human sport, so it’s probably something I don’t care about,” he shrugged. “So Cadance, you used to babysit Twilight?”
“Of course!” The princess clapped her hooves.
“...Do you have photos?” Twilight Sparkle ended up burying her face in her forelegs as her mother and foalsitter embarrassed the daylights out of her.
Author's Note
Yes, Twilight’s family name is Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle
Next chapter will be a sweet one; Plenty of Luna and Bob time.
I’ve been reading comments, and I’m gonna say this:
What happened to Bob, either due to negligence on the Princess’s part, or due to some very racist ponies will bite them in the ass. I have a few messages i wanna spread with this story, and i want Bob to learn a lesson or two.
I’ve been making sure that most Bob sightings/encounters happened towards the outskirts of Equestria, near the smaller towns.
You’ll see why in the future chapters.
Chrysalis will probably be a mix between how i usually write her and canon. She’s mean, but she’s still a mother at heart.
How The Princess Celestia Stole Christmas
Bob sat on a chair away from the rest of the Twilight Family. The human was sitting with a guitar, across from each of them. The Twilights, Sparkle and Velvet were cuddling together. Night Light was holding his head in his hooves, while Spike was cuddled up next to him, with now curious eyes on the human. Cadance and Shining Armor actually had their own couch, and were happily cuddling. As Shining Armor had said, he more or less didn’t try to act out against Bob, as much as he could, and by the end of the first day, the two of them were a bit more friendly. Understandably, Bob and Shining Armor still had a few differences that they have yet to settle, but they were at least on semi-friendly terms now.
“Twilight,” Bob said, looking dead at Sparkles. “Why do you want me to sing a christmas carol?”
“Because during dinner last night, I asked if you humans have anything similar to Hearth’s Warming. Why do you ask?”
“...Humans celebrate Christmas in December, aside from that discrepancy, and heavier focus on gifts, it’s basically Hearth’s Warming.”
“So sing a ‘carol’!” Twilight clapped her hooves. She and her mother both pulled out notebooks, each with their own cutie marks on their respective books. Bob slowly looked at the other ponies and the single dragon in the room.
“I’m not going to get out of this unscathed if I choose not to play anything, am I?” Bob asked, hoping for some out. Night Light slowly shook his head with a big grin on his face. Even Shining Armor was grinning at the human’s predicament. “Shit,” Bob took another look at the Twilights… who were now giving him puppy eyes. At some point, Cadance had broken off from Shining Armor, and was now with the other two mares, also giving him puppy eyes. So, Bob just sighed and face palmed. “God damn you ponies and your big ol’ eyes…” Bob started plucking a few notes. “This is a song my people call Carol of the Bells.”
Thanks to Bob’s experience in singing in a church choir, a lot of the christmas carols he had performed for the Twilight Family were performed flawlessly. While most of the family were happily taking in songs from another creature’s culture, Shining Armor watched with intent… only for him to relax and smile when his fiance found her way back into his embrace. “You know dear,” Shining Armor whispered to Cadance. “That colt seems much, much happier now that he’s singing a bunch of songs from his home.”
“He does,” Cadance hummed. “I do like these songs, they’re very relaxing.” She looked back at her husband-to-be. “So, what do you think of Bob now? I quite like him, and I can tell that Twilight may have a thing for him. Both of them aren’t adults yet, legally at least, so I bet they could be a cute couple.” Shining Armor stared at his fiance for a moment before turning to the human. The way he beamed, despite his earlier reluctance, and seemed lost in his own little world as he performed… And the way Twilight Sparkle was looking at him…
“Oh dear Celestia,” Shining Armor whispered. “My sister has a thing for humans.”
“Are you complaining?” Cadance asked.
“No. While I’m completely in favor of her dating Bob, as her older brother, it’s my job to make sure she’s happy and safe. So far,” Twilight had moved from her spot next to her mother to lay in the chair Bob was sitting in. She was squeezed in between his thighs and the arm rests. As soon as the human was done singing something called ‘Jingle Bells’, he set his guitar off to the side and scratched at the sleepy unicorn’s ears. “I don’t think Bob would actively hurt Twilight, and I bet that they’d like each other.”
Twilight Velvet closed her notebook while Night Light simply nodded. “Yup,” the stallion said. “You’re pretty good with that; if you were a pony, you’d have a cutie mark in music, Bob.”
“Eh, I only had practice. I don’t particularly believe in talents, or whatever Cutie Marks represent for you guys.” Everypony in the room flinched. “If anyone put their mind to something, and had the time to practice, they could get good at anything. For instance, Twilight’s got an innate talent for magic, and clearly has the power to back it up, but if she didn’t practice or get Princess Celestia as a teacher? Or if she wanted to paint instead, her cutie mark would be a canvas instead.” Bob shrugged. “It’s a belief I’ve picked up from Earth. I… probably shouldn’t voice that, should I?”
Twilight Sparkle was the first to speak up. “That… does have some merit. As you said, if I enjoyed painting more than I liked magic, then I would’ve ended up as a painter who happened to be powerful with magic.”
“Anyone can be what they wanna be. Sure, everyone around you might, no, will influence you, even if they don’t know they’re influencing you, into becoming who you are today. For instance, I assume you got your studying problems from your Mom; as in you don’t know when to stop once you get started,” Bob chuckled when Twilight’s face was now slightly red.
“I don’t!”
“You and your mother pulled out a notebook,” the human opened up the notebook. “You wrote down every lyric, note and chord for Carol of the Bells, and I bet your Mom did the same?” Twilight Velvet nodded, grinning at how Bob had thoroughly embarrassed her daughter. “You… just wrote down everything I said,” he deadpanned. “You’re gonna make that a friendship report for Celestia, aren’t you, Twilight?” The unicorn nodded. “Knew it.”
“Shut up, Bob!” Twilight groaned. “Seriously though, that is something that is very interesting. How old are you again? You’re barely older than Spike is, and you’re thinking like that?”
“When you’re a teenager that’s spent most of the last year sitting in a cave, with nothing to do, you think of a lot of things. I’m probably a little insane because of that too, but we’ll just ignore my problems and pretend like I didn’t open my mouth after Night Light complimented me.”
“But…” Night Light shrugged. “I know I’ll definitely talk with Celestia about that later.” Aside from that little break up, the rest of the week went off without issue. Bob and the Twilights laughed, played board games, and overall just enjoyed themselves. By the end of the third day, Shining Armor was sitting in the same chair Bob was sitting in just a few days prior, with his front legs crossed as he pouted. He was complaining about an itch he couldn’t reach, since magic wasn’t very good for getting at itchy spots, which happened to be right in the middle of his back.
So Bob offered to scratch it for him, and soon had the Captain of the Royal Guard melt into what was basically a giant puppy. After thoroughly helping Twilight’s brother with his itch, the unicorn had rolled over for a belly rub, as Twilight had told her family-mid Shining Armor scratch down-about how great belly rubs were… Bob was laughing as Shining Armor’s hindlegs kicked like a dog would when you scratch the right spot on the belly…
Then Cadance grabbed her fiance by the tail and dragged Shining Armor away, and then took his place under the human’s hands. So now Bob was sitting on the couch with a purring alicorn in his lap as he was now brushing her coat out. “Oh, Twilight was right, Bob’s paws are wonderful!” She squeezed one eye open and looked her fiance in the eye. “You should try this out sometime,” she cooed when Bob put the brush down and wrapped an arm around her neck. Shining Armor almost got up, only to sit back down when he realized that Bob was just hugging her.
“Sheesh,” Bob hummed. “Where were all you cuddling, sweet ponies when I first got here?” He chuckled as Twilight Velvet soon hopped up on the couch and started pawing at him with a hoof; she wanted to get brushed now. Twilight Sparkle soon joined the couch with her brother, but unlike her brother, she had a smug grin.
“Well, B.B.B.F.F? How is Bob?” The younger unicorn asked.
The older unicorn chuckled. “Okay, I admit, Bob is pretty nice,” now Bob was blowing raspberries into Cadance’s neck, making her squirm. “But this isn’t fair,” he pouted. “It was my turn with the human, and then Cady took him from me!” He crossed his hooves again. “Now look, she’s getting… oh, oh dear Celestia… those paws of his are wonderful for tickling ponies, aren’t they?” Cadance’s laughter was now filling the house since Bob had removed one of her horse shoes and was now tickling the sensitive hoof underneath.
“Shining Armor,” Bob said, looking up from Cadance as she squirmed to try and get away. “You caught a good one; thanks for the fresh meat.” Bob giggled when he stopped tickling the now tired alicorn who was looking at him in fear. “What? Didn’t my classmates tell you, Princess? I eat ponies… I think. Never thought about trying it, but it seems interesting. I heard alicorn tastes pretty good-” he stopped and started laughing at the now terrified alicorn. “Okay, I need to stop, the look on your face is priceless! Oh, I need to do that to Luna at the party-”
“Wait, Luna, as in Princess Luna?” Shining Armor asked. “How do you know her?”
“She stopped me from trying to… okay, I’ll be blunt, I might or might not have walked into the Everfree Forest with the hopes of getting killed by something in there-”
“WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU BUCKING MEAN, BOB?!” Twilight shouted. “YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF!?”
“Uh… yeah.”
Twilight quickly moved Cadance with her magic, and headbutted Bob in the gut, somehow her horn avoided impaling the human. “Bob, I am going to tell you this once, and I’m going to tell you this again. Don’t fucking kill yourself. I’m using one of your human curses, because… You’re my friend, I know why you went in, but you could’ve talked it out with me! I’m your friend, aren’t I, Bob?” She asked.
“...Yeah. At the time, I felt alone and worthless, Twilight. I wasn’t thinking straight at all.” Bob sighed. “Thinking back, at the time, only you and Fluttershy probably would’ve been really upset if you found out I got myself killed in the forest.” Twilight glared at him. “Next time I’m feeling the way I did, after the play, I’ll come talk to you first, alright? We’ve gotten a lot closer after Luna lifted my criminal record.”
“Good. Now that Mom wants to adopt you, you best believe you’re going to be my BLBFF.”
“She… what?” Bob scratched the back of his head at the prospect of finally having people to call family in this horrible land.
A few days later, Bob was putting his coat back on, since for tonight and tomorrow, Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor and Cadance would all be staying at the castle. Of course, Twilight Velvet and Night Light would be coming along, since Celestia invited the Elements of Harmony and all of their families. Bob was invited due to his connections with Luna, and Cadance was Celestia’s niece, however that worked with the Sun Princess’s only living relative being on the moon for the last thousand years, but she also apparently had a nephew. On the table, in a box was a cake Bob had baked himself, which surprised the Twilights for some reason.
It was a fruitcake. After being told about how many ponies were going to be at the party, the Twilights helped Bob bake three more cakes, with Twilight Sparkle holding the three he personally didn’t make himself; that one was for Luna. “Are you guys ready yet?” Bob asked after slipping on his shoes.
“Yeah!” The whole family said in unison. Cadance was now wearing a crown and a necklace that had a heart etched into it. Bob couldn’t help but poke Twilight Sparkle on the nose as she stood beside him; she just looked really cute with the scarf and earmuffs. That resulted in an ear nip, but Bob still thought that booping the snoot was worth it. When the family of unicorns and single human were let into castle grounds, they were led up into the castle itself where the ballroom, where the party was taking place, was right in front of the door.
The first thing Bob did once he got inside the ballroom was look around, not at the decor, not at any of the possible snacks he could devour, but for a certain alicorn… which he quickly found. He immediately broke off from the Twilights, who were too busy conversing with the rest of the Elements’ families to notice Bob being missing, and made his way over to Luna. The alicorn quickly noticed the human and waved him over. “Greetings Bob, how are thou enjoying Hearth’s Warming Eve?”
“It’s going alright,” Bob held up the cake box. “I made something for you.”
“...Bob, I know you described Chirstmas to me in your letters, but Hearth’s Warming is about spending time with your loved ones-”
“And I wanted to make a cake for you. It’s a tradition to make a fruitcake on Christmas, and given that I’m celebrating it, for me anyways, a month early, I baked a fruitcake that my brother taught me when he was working at a bakery. So,” the two of them made it over to the dinner table, which was currently empty, and Bob set the box down. He opened the box and showed it off. Celestia had found her way over to the pair pretty quickly upon seeing what Bob was doing. “Howdy, Celestia. Wanna try some fruitcake?”
“...That’s what that is? I’ve never seen it before.” Luna cut out a slice and ate her slice… only for a golden hue to enveloped the slice, the cake itself, and the other fruitcakes and slices of fruitcake that ponies were trying to sample. Everything that was fruitcake, that Bob had a hand in making, was snatched up into the air and Bob was immediately pinned to the ground with magic. Celestia’s horn remained lit as she stared down at the human.
“Sister! What the buck are you doing?”
Celestia put her eyes on her younger sister. “Luna, I know you fully trust Bob, and I know that Bob and I have had an agreement, but that does not mean I fully trust him. For all I know, for all anypony knows, this could just be a scheme to poison everypony here. Bob has more than enough of a motive to do so, and he can take out the same Princess that ‘ordered’ his capture. Think Luna, what do you remember when we nearly got poisoned because of a griffin general that we had defeated months prior to when the Treaty of Gryphus was signed?”
“You… think I would poison Luna?” Bob asked. “Or Twilight’s family after they’ve shown me nothing but love and care for the last week? Or Cadance who’s been a total sweetheart?” Bob frowned from his spot on the floor. He was laying belly down, being held down with magic. Rainbow Dash quickly snatched the slice of fruitcake that she was sampling and quickly scarfed it down before Celestia could take it away. She started choking on it immediately. In a heartbeat, every single crumb of fruitcake was burnt to a crisp.
Bob’s eyes slowly followed the ashes of the cake he had made for Luna to fall to the ground.
“I’m okay everypony,” Rainbow’s voice was a bit raspy. “A bit of candied apple got stuck in my throat… buck, now I want another… why are there ashes everywhere?”
“Sister,” Luna said coldly. “Didst we act as a filly on nightmare night for nought?” She slowly asked. “We acted as an excitable, little filly that was moe than content to try a few carnival games, so that thou and Bob could talk and possibly build friendship! Now look!” She pointed a hoof, who was now free from Celestia’s grasp, sitting with his legs crossed as he stared at the largest pile of ashes in front of him. “Our friend merely wished to share a dish from his home, and thou presently assume he is trying to poison everypony! for hold, but for an instant, thou could hast placed trust 'i mine friend, and thou didn't.”
Bob got to his feet and slowly looked around the room. He patted Luna on the head and shook his own. “Don’t waste your breath over it, Lulu. We can hangout later. Right now… I wanna go lay down.” As the human made his way towards the doors, Twilight Velvet, and the entire Twilight Family followed Bob out. Cadance casted a glare at her aunt, and Luna quickly followed suit. The human locked himself in his room, but that didn’t spare him from being followed into his room anyway; the entire Twilight family knew how to use teleportation spells and Cadance and Luna were simply naturals at it.
“Bob, are you alright?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“That is a stupid question,” Bob sighed and leaned back. “All that work was for fuck all, I guess,” he chuckled. “Man, I fucking hate ponies,” he raised a fist and pumped it. “Wooo.” Twilight Velvet hopped onto the bed and nuzzled his cheek. “You guys are alright at least.”
“Bob,” Luna spoke up. “I know you probably find this notion to be stupid, but I would like to apologize for my sister’s actions. I didn’t think she would assume the worst in you, but she did.”
“...Why’d she think I’d poison anyone anyways? For one, I wouldn’t want to poison my best friends, or their immediate families. Secondly, where the fuck else could I have baked three fruitcakes? Twilight watched me, and if I even put a drop of bleach in it, she would’ve stopped me immediately. Hell, her family helped me make the other three. So at a minimum, those wouldn’t have been poisoned at all.” Bob’s head hit the back of his bed frame. Luna magically moved the elder Twilight from the human’s side, and fully laid herself across his lap. She laid her head on his chest and he chuckled a bit before wrapping his arms around her. “If you guys didn’t follow me, I probably woulda jumped out of the window and see a sudden stop is just as deadly to humans in Equestria as they are to humans.”
Luna growled at that notion. She muttered what were probably curses towards her sister in a tongue nopony could understand.
He instantly noted the Twilights’ new curiosity and a small smile formed on his face as he got ready to explain. “The stop is what hurts you the most when you fall.” They wrote that down in a notebook, and the family immediately hopped into the bed to surround the human with snuggles and cuddles to lift his mood. They all stayed in that position until the door cracked open, Celestia’s signature, flowing mane came first, followed by the mare’s face. “Let me handle this one, Luna. I have a few words for her.”
“Bob, can I speak with you alone?”
“Celestia, there is no way for me to kindly say this, not in the mood I’m in… So fuck off.” even Luna flinched with how venomous Bob’s voice had become. “Fuck you, fuck everything you stand for, and fuck the nation that’s built on love and acceptance. Trust goes both ways, and you seem to not be willing to go down that road. So I’m not gonna go down it either.” Bob extracted his arm out from under Twilight Sparkle and flipped the Sun Princess off. His face softened and looked down at Twilight Velvet. “Can we go back to your place so that I can bake y’all some more fruitcake?”
“We can do that, if everypony here is alright with that.” It was unanimous, so the family and Luna walked out the room to spend the rest of Hearth’s Warming Eve and Hearth’s Warming Day at the Twilight Family Home. Celestia’s heart dropped when even her faithful little student, Twilight Sparkle gave her a judgemental look and a shake of her head, as she was the last one out, with Spike on her back. The little dragon even mimicked the hand gesture Bob had just done as he pulled the door closed behind his adoptive sister.
After a quickly thrown together, simple Hearth’s Warming Eve dinner, and some fruitcake, Luna had decided to act as Bob’s bed, and soon, there was a pile of ponies, and human, in front of the fireplace.
View Online
Baking Treats, for a Canterlot Slumber Party Most Sweet
Bob put down the book he was reading, when the front door opened. It had been a week since Hearth’s Warming, and life went back to how it always was. Bob sits in the library, reads, or practices his guitar, and occasionally shows up to school. Sometimes Venice and Golden Arrow would show up at the library after school, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders also show up to check in on Bob.
For the most part, Bob remained reclusive, sometimes he would venture out to help Spike with grocery shopping, or just to go walk around at night. Today, it was Bob’s turn to watch the library while Spike and Twilight went out to have fun with their friends. Bob looked up from his book when an earth pony in a collar and tie around his neck. His brown coat was nicely complimented by the stallion’s well kept dark brown mane and tale.
“Ah, just the pony I was hoping to see.” The earth pony said as he approached Bob.
“What…?” Bob started eying the window. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before in my life.”
“I don’t believe you would’ve, but I know I’ve seen you around the school where my daughter goes. First,” the earth pony offered his hoof. “I am Filthy Rich, but you can just call me Rich, and I’m Diamond Tiara’s father.” Bob nodded while taking the hoof.
“Wow… you and Diamond Tiara are night and day.”
“I know, I get that comment a lot. I will admit that making sure my company stays afloat does subtract some time away from my daughter, so she’s not fully to blame for this. I would like to apologize for her, for what she said to you the last time you two talked. I heard her say… some horrible things to you, and that compared you to a stray dog.”
Bob shrugged. “It doesn’t matter what your daughter said, sir. It doesn’t really change my situation or make it worse. It was a hiccup that made me feel a little like shit, but that’s it.”
Filthy Rich shook his head. “I still wanted to stop by and apologize. I know you are more than intelligent, and deserve more than to be compared to a dog of all things.” Bob raised an eyebrow. “Everypony in town knows that you played every bit of music in the play the week before Nightmare Night. You played several instruments, sang and wrote a song for the play as well according to Ms. Sparkle…. With that said, you are certainly a talented… My apologies, I never caught what you are.”
“I’m a human, you can call me a boy or man.”
“Well, you’re a talented young man, and everypony agrees that you should've been acknowledged for the work you put in. However , I have a proposition for you.” Bob raised an eyebrow. “I would like you to perform a concert. Seeing you switch between a violin, and guitar and a set of drums sure would be interesting to watch, especially with your proficiency with each instrument.
“I’ll pay for the vendor, I'll rent you the instruments you want, and I’ll advertise the concert. You’ll get a small cut for working incredibly hard if you agree to this deal. I’ll get a majority due to how much money this will take.”
“And why do you want me to do this?”
“As an apology, and to do you some justice. An apology for letting my daughter harass and belittle you, and the whole town will finally see you playing. You will be able to perform in an audience, and Ponyville will get some entertainment. What do you say?”
“What if I put on a comedy show mixed with a concert? I could make a few ‘human jokes’, play a few songs. If the town likes me and treats me better because of this, then I’m down to do it. When’s the concert?”
“In a month, just after Winter Wrap up.” Both stallion and man shook hoof and hand, before going about their day.
A few days later, Bob found himself sitting in Cheerilee’s class. It was Show and Tell day, which happened once a week on Friday. He rested a hand in his palm as students walked up and showed something off from their home. The human had brought his guitar, since he was given the idea by the Crusaders during the weekend. “Bob, it’s your turn, if you would like to show anything… even if you really aren’t my student anymore.” Cheerilee said with a cheerful little smile. “I see you brought your guitar, perhaps you can show us it?”
“Oh yeah,” Bob said as he got to the front of the room and turned to face the class. “This here, I got while working at Apple Jack’s farm. I remember it like it was yesterday; it’s where I met my first friends,” the human said while pointedly staring at the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “I was asked that day to help clean out Apple Jack’s basement, and since I did it pretty quickly, I got to keep this ol’ thing after I found it. It’s… really all I have, honestly, and it’s the one thing in this world that brings me some form of peace.” Bob strummed a few chords. “I may as well show you all what I usually do with it so… Here’s a song that has to do with Princess Luna, since she’s my best friend… The Moon is Made of Cheese .”
By the time Bob stopped singing, he was now snickering at all the confused looks in class while the Crusaders and Golden Arrow were snickering. “So, any questions?”
“Why are birds made of trees?” Dinky asked.
“I’ve explained that,” Bob smirked.
A random colt raised his hoof. “...Bob, did you sniff something in the library? We all know that Twilight is crazy, but-”
‘Hey, that’s my friend you’re talking about. No, being human comes with an odd side effect called ‘being clinically stupid’. Princess Luna approves of that song, by the way. I played it for her on Hearth’s Warming Eve and she laughed and promptly banned me from singing it.” On queue, since Bob spent the weekend coordinating this moment, Princess Luna broke down the classroom door. She was wearing a beanie and a white hoodie.
“Forgive us for allowing our human friend to play his stupid song. We shall take him to the dungeons!” She looked around and drooped a little when everypony in the room began shivering in fear of her. Even Cheerilee got to the ground and was cowering behind her desk. The human and Princess walked out of the door and the ladder was immediately pulled into a hug.
“Sorry Luna, I forgot about that…”
“‘Tis not your fault, Bob. Most of my subjects still do not accept me, and often only tolerate my public appearances when I am with my sister. I hope that will change soon, but,” Luna nuzzled the human. “It matters not, since you are still here for me.” Bob took a moment to see what Luna was wearing. On top of her usual regalia, Luna was wearing a cute, simple snow-white hoodie, along with socks, only on her hindlegs, that went up to her flanks. What really sold the outfit was the beanie on her head instead of a crown. Bob chuckled. “What, Bob? Is our-”
“No Luna, I’m not making fun of your plight. You just look adorable.”
“I am not adorable, I am supposed to be beautiful and regal…” She huffed. “No, I am not cute, either.”
“Yes you are,” Bob chuckled as the Princess smacked him in the back of the head with a wing, but didn’t continue to argue that point. “You know, somepony named Filthy Rich asked me to put on a show for him. Wanna come by when it starts? It’s just after Winter Wrap up, since it’s happening outside, and having a concert during winter just sounds like a disaster.”
“I would, I would have to switch my sleep schedule around to make it, but to see you perform in front of a crowd would be worth it. Now come, I know you set this up as an excuse for me to take you to my palace for a sleepover with you, myself, and Twilight and her friends. Let the fun multiply!” Luna knelt down to let Bob climb on her back and the two rode off through town in order to retrieve the unicorn and friends. Upon gathering their group, they all went to, at Luna’s insistence on trying it out, the train station.
Upon taking a seat, in a normal train car, Luna giggled. “I always wanted to see what it would be like to be a normal citizen upon my return. This… is almost as close as I can get. I can’t use the post office, since all my letters get sent through the Royal Mail Box since they must be reviewed, and most of the time, I am traveling by chariot or teleportation.” She clapped her hooves and sighed. “This is rather relaxing. The Royal Car is nice, but I hate using it sometimes. I…” She paused as Bob started scratching behind her ears. “Please keep scratching there, it feels really nice.”
Rarity took a seat across from the two. “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I would assume that you two are in a relationship. You two would be such a cute couple!”
Luna’s nose scrunched up. “Bob is sixteen, as far as anypony knows, and the legal age of consent, even a thousand years ago, is eighteen. Bob wouldn’t even be considered a mature adult until twenty five. Meanwhile, I am nearly five thousand years old, and have picked up many lovers. I have even met the inventor of the snowflake and watched her grow up before I was sent to the moon. I have watched kingdoms rise and fall, some of which were at my hoof. If I were to date Bob, that would be disgusting and nearly predatory behavior.” She leaned into Bob’s hand more as it dipped around her neck and started for her chin. “I like Bob, but he is merely a friend; he’s made it clear to me that he doesn’t find ponies attractive, even if his eyes did wander a bit while checking out my outfit.”
“You’re a pony wearing a hoodie, which is adorable. You are adorable; don’t argue, because I’ll keep saying it.” Luna promptly licked Bob in the eye. “AH! Fuck, woman! That still feels weird.”
“I’ll stop doing that to you when you stop calling me cute. Call Twilight Sparkle cute if you desire, but not me!” She leaned in and whispered. “Even if I still do appreciate being called cute. Sorry about the eye!” Both the human and Princess blew raspberries at each other… Then Bob blew a bunch into Luna’s neck and the entire car was filled with Luna’s laughter.
Once the group reached the castle, Luna quickly led them to her private chambers. Out of everyone there, Twilight was the only one to ever be inside of a Princess’s private chambers at all, and that was Celestia’s. Celestia’s chambers were rather simple, just a bed, a fireplace, and a bathroom. Luna’s looked like a full blown apartment, with a living room, a bathroom, a small kitchen which was really just a microwave and a sink, and even a closet. There was an office too. It was all made of dark, oak wood and was lined with light blue carpet. It felt very homely. Bob sat down on the couch and grinned up at a very irate Princess Luna.
“You did not need to tickle me that much, Bob. I really should throw you in the dungeons for that,” she hopped up on the couch and laid down across it. Now she was laying in the human’s lap.
“You won’t, because then you wouldn’t get any ear scratches from me.” Bob chuckled. The human didn’t have much in the way of possessions, or clothes, so it was just him and Luna while Twilight and her friends all got settled in. “Say Luna,” Bob asked. “If you have a whole staff team, that should be more than willing to bring food up to you, why do you have a microwave and a bunch of noodle cups?” Bob tilted his head. “Wouldn’t that take you away from night court, or any of your other duties to make, if you make your own stuff?”
“It does. As you should know, I can go through your dreams,” Bob raised an eyebrow. “How… did I not ever tell you that I can do that?!” Luna sighed. “Well, I can, and I often like to make sure foals are dreaming safely and soundly… until they see who is in their dream and start having nightmares again. Or I take care of the finances since our current financier takes too long to do anything right. I would say that it takes me away from my court, but nopony shows up…”
“So why… is everyone scared of you?”
“Bob, most of the castle staff fear me still. They don’t see the Luna you see, they see me only as Nightmare Moon.” Luna was quickly enveloped in light as she rolled off the couch. “This is what they see me.” The light dissolved and what stood before Bob made his jaw drop. Before him was a jet black mare that was just as tall as Celestia. Her mane and tail were very similar to Luna’s, even if they were a bit more wild. The human noted that the regalia he usually saw on Luna, in public, looked more like armor. She had snake-like eyes, fangs that could make a shark back away in fear, and she was giving a menacing little smile. “Well, Bob? Does this make you back away in fright?”
Bob got up and looked Nightmare Moon in the eye. “Ponies are scared of that?” Bob placed both hands on her cheeks and squished them. “That’s not too scary; I’ve seen worse and have heard of worse.” Nightmare Moon raised an eyebrow. “There are these things in my world called movies. They’re like private plays that can happen in theaters too, but they’re pre-recorded… actually no, horror movies aren’t the worst thing I’ve seen. Humans are horrible; imagine the most efficient way to kill… let’s say every single pegasus on the planet. How would you do it?”
“I would… probably have them wiped out with an army, why do you ask?”
“...Man, the Germans would be laughing at you over that. So imagine a camp, which is more like a prison where you send ponies to, in order to not only get free labor, but as a punishment for existing. Now, imagine having a special thing called a shower, but instead of it being a large, communal shower, you get a bunch of people into a room and fill it with gasses that can kill you. Then, in order to get rid of the bodies, because those take up a lot of room, you promptly burn them right after. Now that is pure evil.”
“By the Night… You are so nice though, and humans-”
“Humans are a weird gray area, just like your ponies are, as I’ve come to understand. For instance, I found myself in this position because some of your subjects didn’t like me and would like to kill me. Meanwhile, Twilight’s family has been nothing but sweet to me. You have been nothing but sweet to me. We’ve all got skeletons in our closets, Luna. Sure, me stealing candy from a store isn’t as bad as you starting a war, but nobody’s perfect. Nothing good is perfect. It just happens that the minority of people in the world, that are assholes, are usually the loudest…” Bob backed away.
“And you kinda look like a badass as Nightmare Moon; it’s really cool, and you’re still squishy as fuck.” Nightmare Moon giggled before turning back into Luna.
“Such a profound way of thinking for somepony so young… You said I was squishy as Nightmare Moon. Are you implying that I am fat?”
“...No…” Bob reached out and squished Luna’s face. “You’re pleasantly squishy and fluffy, if that’s what you mean. Now come on, let’s go raid the Royal Kitchens and I’ll try and bake up some snacks for the sleepover.” Luna nodded and Bob let go of her, and the two of them left a note for the rest of their slumber buddies.
The castle was bustling, maids going here and there, delegates walked by ignoring their assigned maids, guards were strewn about… standing guard. A few of them would nearly jump into action whenever Bob so much move an arm, or sneeze, while most of the ponies that weren’t guards stopped and cowered in fear at the sight of Luna, and would soon move to the other end of the hallway upon seeing who was in her company.
Bob sighed as he noted how the kitchen’s staff, as soon as the pair entered, fled. “Man, you weren’t exaggerating were you?” A cowering chef crawled out from under a food prep table and ran past.
“HELP! NIGHTMARE MOON’S CONTROLLING THE BEAST!” The mare shouted as she ran by.
…
…
…”The fuck was that about?” Bob asked.
Luna glared at the ground. “Insolent fools,” she grumbled. The two shrugged and got to work. Luna mostly just sat and watched, since she had little experience in actually cooking anything. Bob just slipped a tray of brownies into an oven and quickly started mixing up some guacamole. He hummed as he stuck a tortilla chip in and taste tested it. “Eeyup, that’s guacamole.” Bob pulled a tray of cookies out of the oven right afterwards.
“You… know how to multitask in a kitchen?”
“My brother worked in a bakery, Luna, guess who got to help him out? Or learnt everything he learnt,” Bob chuckled. “I barely know what I’m doing, but following a cook book isn’t too hard-no touchy the cookies-“ Bob lightly smacked Luna on the nose. “Plus baking brownies and cookies is pretty easy since they mostly have the same stuff in them-Fucking Luna!”
Luna had successfully stolen a cookie and yelled when it was still too hot to eat. She cooled it off with magic and stuffed it back in her mouth. She hummed and grabbed another only to be sprayed with water. “Bad Luna, bad.”
“Bob, do you dare tell your Princess no?”
“If I don’t tell her no, she’ll eat all the cookies that were meant to be for a slumber party.”
“Can I try that green stuff then? I’ve never seen it before.”
“How… Do you not know what guacamole is?” Bob shook his head and dipped a chip in the bowl and offered it to Luna. She ate it right out of his hand, before promptly licking his hand for any stray guacamole. “I am going to spoil the hell out of you with human snacks.” Bob giggled. The door slammed open and Celestia walked in with her horn lit… she stopped in surprise when what was happening.
Luna was licking Bob’s hand like a dog, and the human was giggling like a filly.
“Greetings sister,” Luna scowled for a moment before putting on a poker face fit for a Princess. “What are you doing in the Royal Kitchens? It is rare that you even walk in here.”
“I was coming to see what the head chef was screaming about. He interrupted Day Court to tell me about…” Princess Celestia cleared her throat. “Nightmare Moon and her Knight.” She looked around. “Is there any reason why you two are raiding the Royal Kitchens instead of requesting food be sent up to your room? I am aware that you are hosting a slumber party with the rest of Bob’s friends, and-”
“Princess,” Bob cut Celestia off. “Why is Luna eating instant noodles in her room? She had a sink and a microwave, which is really all you need for ramen, and Luna had several cases of the stuff. Given how Luna at least helps out with half the kingdom, don’t you think it’s a bit unfair that she’s eating motherfucking spicy vegetable flavored cups of noodles?” The human asked. “Or how when Luna picked me up from school, my entire class was scared of her? Or how people were running to YOU for help because Luna wanted to help me cook stuff for our friends?”
“...Luna, are you seriously eating instant-”
“Yes sister, aside from my nightguards, most if not all castle staff run in fear of me. My own personal maid, the one you hired specifically to help take care of me quit within a day of seeing me. She quit after seeing my weakened form, where I was barely the size of an average unicorn. The same form where I could barely even use my magic. She was the only one I could ask for anything, and she left. As for the concerns of Chef Beet,” Luna nodded to Bob. “Bob has shown me a human dish called guacamole, and I quite enjoy it. As it turns out, I was correct in offering Bob a job as the Royal Pastry chef; he is quite prolific preparing baked goods… Even if I am a bit unknowledgeable in doing the same.”
“I can recreate what my brother showed me. Brownies? Easy. Fruit Cake? Literally a piece of a cake. Some cookies? That’s also pretty easy. Ask me to make a fancy wedding cake? Nah, I can’t do that. Hell, I’m lucky that I’ve not burnt anything yet… Don’t let Pinkie know that I can bake, or she will ask me, to no end, that I can bake-JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” Bob yelped and fell on his butt as Pinkie jumped out of the oven holding the tray of brownies, barehoofed, while chewing on one.
“I already know, silly! I was waiting for an excuse to help out and learn some cool, super awesome, totally fantastic human baking methods!”
“What the actual- no, you hopped out of a candy wrapper before, I’m not going to question how, and just accept the fact that you do not abide by physics.”
“And I’ll ignore you not telling anypony that you could bake, because you rub my belly so much! You know, you’re better at baking than you are at singing, but-”
“We were having a talk with my sister, Pinkie Pie. If you would-”
“Don’t worry, Lulu! Auntie Pinkie already knows… I prepared cupcakes. See you at the slumber party!” Pinkie jumped through a random portal after snatching a cookie from the now dwindling pile of treats.
Bob took a few deep breaths before chuckling. “Fuck, that mare scares me sometimes. She’s sweet, but she was in a fuckin’ oven!”
“Well, Twilight did warn me to not look into Pinkie’s antics, as it even broke her when it came to understanding Pinkie Pie,” Celestia hummed. “I quite like Pinkie; I’ll have to ask her to help out with a few pranks.” She took a deep breath before turning to Bob. “I know the two of us aren’t on the best of terms.”
“That is a severe understatement, your highness. I don’t even want to call you that anymore, but I can’t call you Celestia. I don’t want to, and if I do, I’m accepting you as a friend. I drop honorifics with Luna because she’s my best friend,” his glare turned playful as he casted it to the Moon Princess, who was sampling a brownie. “Because she licks my eye on occasion, like an ass.”
“Now Bob,” Luna said in a very Princess-esk manner: with chewed up brownie in her mouth. “There are some nice donkeys out there. Pay them some respect.”
“Oh, so you know some human swears?”
“You only use them in every letter because you realize that I am a grown mare.” She clapped her hooves. “Oh how I love reading those letters, much better than all those overly formal letters from the griffins or the minotaurs. Which made your letters less formal when I told you that I preferred your casual letters.” They both giggled. They both turned to Celestia. “So why did you assume my best friend would poison me of all mares? Twilight Sparkle was there as well, and since I’ve wavered his crimes, the two of them are apparently best friends as well. Are you that scared that Bob held a grudge against you? Bob is a rather blunt individual, if he doesn’t like you, you would’ve known.”
“It’s… hard to read his expressions; I’ve never seen a human before so I couldn’t pick up on body language very quickly. The eyes-”
“Your highness, stop trying to cover your ass. You just don’t like me.”
“It’s hard for me to like you, okay? It’s hard to imagine that the child in front of me was responsible for hurting ponies either directly, through self defense, or by taking bread that was meant to go to orphanages-”
Luna clamped Celestia’s jaw shut with her magic. “Sister, please… what was the phrase, shut the fuck up? Am I using that phrase correctly, Bob?” The human gave a thumb’s up. “Bob gave you the benefit of the doubt, and you did not do likewise. I acted as a foal, because I know Bob finds it adorable, and so you two would interact more while watching me have fun on Nightmare Night. Bob talked about giving you a belly rub if you held to your word and treated him well. And since you wouldn’t give my human the benefit of a doubt, neither shall I. Good day sister, you best wish upon a shooting star that Bob somehow forgives you, because I doubt he will.”
“I can speak for myself,” Bob pouted as Luna carried two trays of brownies, two trays of cookies in her magic, and a bowl of chips and various ‘chip dips’ on her back.
“I am aware, but you can’t make my sister shut up. I know this is a tactic my sister picked up, due to nearly everyday of both of our lives being revolved around politics. She will make an excuse, no matter how easy it is for me to see through, if she believes the excuse would sell. I know my sister, I know she could probably tell what you’re thinking by looking you in the eye, and I also know that she knows she messed up on Hearth’s Warming Eve of all times of the year. She’s just trying to find some way to salvage any form of friendship with you, from this, to make me happy.”
“...She isn’t interested in being my friend because I’m me, but because you wanted her to?”
“I asked her to genuinely give you a chance. I quite enjoy having you around, and I wanted to be able to spend time with two of my favorite ponies in the world at the same time, I hope that when you're older that you’ll see ponies…”
“You wanna date me when I’m legally available?”
“I would, but I also know your boundaries, and you only find ponies cute, not attractive.”
“Well, you are cute… please don’t lick my eye again, it feels weird when you-” Luna licked his cheek. “Why can’t you do that more? instead of licking my eye?”
“Because, I wanted to make you smile, and I succeeded. You love it when I groom you and lick you like I am a dog.”
“...Doesn’t acting like a dog feel degrading-”
“It’s not the most degrading thing I have done. I was used as… a slave to pleasure a griffin that had captured me. That was degrading. What is with that look on your face?”
Bob’s eyes were big and watery now. If he were a pony, tears would be falling like waterfalls. “You were… being used for sex?”
“I was. It took Celestia three weeks to rescue me.”
“...Luna, what-”
“I move past it, as that was nearly two thousand years before I got sent to the moon. It hurts to think about it sometimes, but I know I’ll live. I personally got to execute that griffin with a guillotine.”
Bob took three steps a little quicker than usual, got in Luna’s way, and hugged her. She squeaked for a moment before accepting it. “I’m glad you moved past that, but I still feel bad for hearing that you’ve been through that. Just let me hug you a bit longer.” After a moment, the two of them kept marching towards their slumber party.
“As for your question, Bob, the first one. Ponies generally lick and groom each other when they either are mates, or very close friends. You are my best friend, and it happens that your planet also shares dogs. So instead of the single lick of affection… I’ll lick you several times, just like a dog. It’s worth it; you’re salty, and you like it and I get a few ear scratches right afterwards. Trust me, if I thought that acting as a dog was degrading, I wouldn’t let you pet me.” They stopped in front of Luna’s personal chambers and took a deep breath.
“Be ready, I bet Pinkie’s gonna surprise us, and label it. “Bob’s first party, welcome to Ponyville, welcome to Canterlot-blah, blah, blah.”
“Three thousand bits says she doesn’t.” Bob shrugged and agreed.
It turns out that was exactly what the banner, that wasn’t there before, had exactly what Bob said, written into it. “Hey Bob! I know you were hoping for a first party party, a Ponyville, congrats on being a citizen of Equestria, a ‘your first play party’, a Nightmare Night party, and a welcome to Canterlot party, but I ran out of space on the banner to write on. So… I hope it’s still good. Is it?”
It was still a slumber party, just Pinkie hung a banner and set cupcakes up.
“Yeah, yeah it is.” As soon as the snacks were placed on the coffee table, Luna presented Bob with a brown bag.
“What’s this?”
“Three thousand bits. You won our bet. You can buy a small, humble house and buy groceries for four and a half years without ever having to work throughout that. I was going to give it to you anyway, should you want to move out of Twilight’s house. If not… you have three thousand bits.”
“Luna, why do you keep making me love you more and more?”
“Because…” Luna turned into a form Bob hadn’t seen before. She was smaller, around Twilight’s size, and was a lighter shade of blue. “I am adorable, and this is my master plan… for making you give me chin scratches. Please give me a chin scratch, it’s been bothering me all day.”
“You don’t gotta do much to make me wanna scratch your jaw, and that form is just demanding that it be scratched down.” Bob, Luna, and the rest of the Elements laughed and told stories that night. They were… enjoying themselves. Meanwhile, in the west-most tower of Canterlot Castle, Celestia sat alone, staring off into the night sky. She sighed; Luna stopped visiting her after Hearth’s Warming, and Twilight didn’t even bother visiting her before the slumber party she had with Bob and Luna…
Celestia was alone, and it was her own fault. She laid down and cried herself to sleep.
Author's Note
And… Celestia will be crying herself to sleep for a while.
Winter Wrap Up, Wolves, and a Concert
“So, you’re telling me,” Bob said as he got a jacket on. “That because you guys control the weather, that you have to manually take everything from winter down and prepare for spring? And you got a whole day to do it?”
“Yup! And last Winter Wrap Up, I was assigned as the lead organizer after I tried everything. This year you’re going to have to find something you can help out with.” Twilight said as she struggled to get her vest on. Bob chuckled and shook his head. He picked Twilight up, no matter how heavy she was, flipped her back onto her hooves and snapped the vest on her. “Thanks. Those hands sure are hoofy if you don’t have magic, aren’t they?” Bob nodded. “Maybe you can help Rarity build bird nests!”
So, that’s where Bob went first upon walking out of the library and breaking off from Twilight and Spike. Well, he would’ve if he didn’t hear some music playing from… nowhere. As ponies got their parts of Winter Wrap up done, they sang a song about… well, Winter Wrap up. About leaving holidays and cheering for brighter pastures or something. When he got to the bird nest making team, Rarity put him to work immediately. “Oh shit, this is just like glue for making paper mache!” Bob quickly got to work and put a few nests together. Surprisingly, none of the ponies nearby even cared all that much that Bob was nearby and helping them…
“Darling, those nests are ghastly,” Rarity said, somehow looking over his shoulder despite the disparity in height between Bob and the average pony.
“But… These are big enough to fit a robin, maybe even a bluejay and their eggs should they have any. I can guarantee that most birds don’t care about how their nests look as long as they can put their eggs in it, and it keeps their eggs safe.”
“But they aren’t stylish, look at everypony else’s nests!”
“...Those look cool, but they take longer to make. Don’t we only have a whole day to get shit done?”
“Bob, don’t use that language around me, young man.” Rarity glared at him.
“Aight then. I’m gonna go… help somewhere else then. Since this was the only thing I could really help with, I dunno where the hell I’m gonna go. See you around, Rarity.” Bob took a deep breath and got out of his chair… When Rarity punched his shin for swearing around her. “I fucking hate ponies for a reason,” Bob grumbled under his breath as he limped away. He flipped Rarity off when he was far enough from her to be able to do anything about it. After a few minute of thinking, and walking, Bob came to a conclusion:
Everyone else will probably have a problem with how he does things because he’s not a pony.
“Hey Bob!” Rainbow Dash landed in front of him. “I thought Twilight said you’d be with Rarity this year. So why aren’t you helping her?” She looked him over. “And why are you limping out of town?”
“I’m the fastest nest maker out of the group, and Rarity didn’t like that because I wasn’t making nests that looked nice, even if they were perfectly fine and serviceable. I’m walking out of town until Winter Wrap Up is done. Since I’m not strong enough to plow entire fields, I can’t fly, and I don’t want to wake up a sleeping bear by accident. I’m more or less useless everywhere else, so why bother helping anywhere else? And the last time I did help, I got told I’m terrible at it.”
“You still gotta help out, Bob. You live here! I’m sure you’ll find something you’re good at-”
“All I’m good for is giving mediocre performances of songs from my world, and baking stuff. I’m not particularly strong, I’m not fast, I’m not the brightest star in the night, and I’m not a pony. I’m simply here, wondering why I even bother trying to live with ponies, when I could go anywhere else and possibly be treated better?”
“I can get you on the cloud clearing… oh right, you don’t have wings.” She rubbed the back of her head and looked at the ground for a few moments. “Maybe-” When she looked up, Bob was already gone. “Oh no, I have to tell Twilight!” The cyan pegasus took off to find the unicorn in question.
Bob walked around the outskirts of Ponyville. As it turned out, there was a section of forest that wasn’t the Everfree Forest in any way. The snow had already melted, and the buds of flowers slowly raised from the grass below as they began to blossom. A small smile formed on his face as he sat down on a damp log and hummed a silly, nonsense tune as he enjoyed the forming of Spring around him. After a few minutes, Bob found himself getting pounced on by… a wolf. It was a normal wolf, only it was… huge. Its tail was wagging and it hopped off of him.
“What the hell?” Bob watched the wolf play bowed and pranced up to him. It pounced again, driving Bob to the ground. It wrestled with him until its teeth caught his nose and he yelled. “Ow!” The wolf immediately stopped and got off of him. “Jesus, your teeth are sharp, be careful with those things!” Bob shook his head as the wolf started looking scared. “You… look like a wolf pup, you’re the size of a german shepherd…” He hummed before shrugging. “C’mere, I’ll play with you as long as you don’t bite me too hard.” The wolf sneezed before it pranced back up to him and the two of them started playing, with the oversized pup being a lot more gentle than before.
By the time the two of them had tired out, Bob had the pup laying in his lap, its tail wagged slightly as the human gave the thing a good scratch down. Soon, the wolf was napping in his lap, and Bob just smiled. “Man, so this is what it feels like to be a caveman. Find a wolf, boom, puppy,” he talked to himself as he watched the wolf’s side slowly rise and fall with its snoring. “You’re a cute little fella, I’ll give you that. Now if only Twilight would let me keep a pet in her library… especially one that eats meat more than I do.” Bob hummed. “I can tell Twilight about a crossbow and kill some fucker in the Everfree Forest for this guy.” He continued to ramble on and on. “I’m gonna call you… Eh, Balto. Loved that movie.” Bob scratched the wolf one more time before leaning his back fully on the tree behind him.
“Bob! This is where you were?” Twilight and several other ponies from Ponyville stormed into the small clearing Bob and Balto were laying. “T-that’s a wolf! What the buck are you doing with a wolf?”
“Wolves are just wild dogs. Back on Earth, humans befriend wolves… some time during the ice age, I assume. It’s how humans got dogs back. This fella here,” Bob lifted the pup with a grunt. It was now wide awake and curiously staring at the ponies around them it sniffed the air and its ears swiveled at every little whisper. “Wanted to play. The moment he thought he hurt me too much, he stopped, looked sorry and started being more gentle. Didn’t bite any harder than he should’ve, since. After he tuckered out, right in my lap he went.”
“That’s a bucking Dire Wolf Pup, Bob!” Twilight yelled. The pup lost interest in the ponies, and curled itself back up after Bob laid it back on the ground… then it got up and onto the human’s lap before yawning and flopping over. “Do you have any idea how lucky you are that it didn’t just kill you?”
“Yeah, I know. I’m lucky to even be able to pet this bugger, but hey, if he wants to be friendly, I’ll be friendly. No point in chasing somebody away when all they want is to be nice to me.” Bob looked Twilight in the eyes. “This pup ain’t a monster, Twilight. He’s like how I was in a way. Young and innocent.” Bob squirmed when the wolf licked his neck. “Friendly.” The human paused as Twilight looked away for a moment. “Let me keep him. Please. Aside from my guitar, I have nothing to my name. I’ll make sure he’s fed and taken care of.”
Twilight sighed. “If he eats anypony, he is gone.”
“And that is completely fair, Twilight. However, I’m going to figure out how to hunt so that I can keep him fed. It won’t be too hard; I did it a few times in my time on the road.” Bob giggled when Balto had completely lost interest in the ponies around him, and had started taking another nap. “I always wanted a pet wolf. Some long, stupid dream from my childhood that hasn’t died out yet. Glad to see that some dreams do come true under the shittiest of circumstances.”
A few days later, Bob was cooking several pounds of fish in the kitchen. He had just fished up all of what he was cooking, and was preparing his wolf pup’s meal while the kitchen wasn’t being used. He wasn’t a genius when it came to cooking, but he thought he was doing a decent job. After a few minutes, he put the diced up fish into a bowl and whistled. “C’mere Balto! I’ve got lunch ready for you!” The wolf padded into the kitchen and got up on his hindlegs. “Today’s course is some fish, seasoned nicely with salt and lemon with some greens, a few peppers for flavor, and… an egg for some extra protein!” Bob chuckled as Balto got backed away and patiently waited for the human to set the bowl down. The dire wolf’s tail wagged to and fro as he quickly made work of his meal.
While Balto ate, Spike and Twilight were sitting out on the main floor of the library. “That’s disgusting,” Twilight’s nose scrunched up. “I still smell raw fish,” she shivered.
“I’m surprised you don’t care about him eating meat.”
“He’s a wolf, of course he’ll wanna eat some meat! Fish just smells really bad.”
“Glad you aren’t mad at me for keeping him anymore,” Bob sighed.
“Bob, you looked so happy with Balto in your arms, that I couldn’t tell you no. That’s one of the few times, aside from any time you spend with Luna where you seemed genuinely happy. On top of that,” the wolf walked in, having just finished his food. He nuzzled his human before nuzzling Twilight. “He’s not as bad as I thought he’d be. There’s stories of dire wolves attacking travelers, but no reports of them ever actually attacking anypony. And it’s a good opportunity for me to study the growth of a dire wolf, and the general behavior of them as well.” Spike was now happily wrestling Balto, and it was clear to everyone but the drake, that the wolf was holding back and allowing himself to be pinned.
“So far, he’s a lot like a dog, and seems to shy away from ponies whenever they show up.”
“That’s not too different from wolves in my world, well, regular wolves. Where I’m from, dire wolves are extinct, likely due to being too big to feed themselves, while being too slow to catch anything to eat. An outlier here… Balto actually follows commands, without any training which is weird. Most dogs on Earth want to see their humans happy, either by doing tricks, or whatever. Basically, it’s bred into them that they wanna follow their humans, whereas wolves don’t-”
“Hold on, please repeat all of that. I can use this in my notes and compare them to my own in the future; it’ll help a lot. It’ll also make me the first mare to take notes about animals from another universe !” Bob chuckled and did as the unicorn asked.
About a week later, Bob was sitting alone in the library. After having installed a doggy door big enough for his wolf to fit through, the wolf went out more. Often there was a green flash, but Bob didn’t question it. He was in a land full of magical, talking animals, and if his wolf could use magic, who was he to care? Plus, Balto usually went out, and came back with a stuffed belly, and a little blood. Of course, this freaked both him and Twilight out, only for them both to remember that he’s a wolf, and probably did some hunting. Everypony around town usually reported that the dire wolf was very friendly, and often got baths from other ponies regularly.
To the whole town, Balto was their pet. Like a giant dog that was all too happy to please anypony, and the foals loved him.
It was only a week, and the wolf was accepted into town quicker than Bob was. Even if it was only because of Twilight technically being the legal owner of the wolf, as Bob didn’t know how to get any of the paperwork to adopt Balto.
Right now, Balto was off doing whatever he does, and Bob was alone. The door clicked open and none other than Filthy Rich walked in. “Bob, I believe you have a concert to perform at.”
Bob shot up with a grin. “You bet I do!” Bob grabbed his guitar and met the stallion’s side. They both walked out of the library. “So, where’s the concert?”
“A field just outside of Ponyville. I got you a piano, a drum kit, and a violin. I even grabbed a cello and a viola for you. If you want to keep any of the instruments I lend you tonight, I’ll cover the cost. All money we make will be split between us, and I want to make sure you get your full cut. As is, I already have enough money. Paying fifty bits for a violin is no fur off my muzzle, after all.”
“That… is generous of you.”
“You deserve a future, colt. I see potential in you, just as I see potential in my daughter. If there is one thing I hate, it’s wasted potential. I believe you deserve another chance, a chance to earn an honest living and to enjoy your life. You can’t do that if you remain cooped up in that library with no signs of things looking brighter.” The two of them got to a stage out in the middle of a field just outside of Ponyville. “Everypony will be attending. Ponies such as Dj Pon3 and Octavia Melody. They both agreed to spread the word if they like what they hear. So do well, colt.” They climbed up on stage and Bob’s eyes widened. There were several instruments, as said, there was a drum kit, along with a machine to loop what was played, a violin, and a piano. There was a drum machine, which shocked him, and… there was an electric guitar and bass.
“Holy fuck…” Bob whispered. “You ponies have electric guitars?”
“We do, why do you ask?” Filthy Rich asked with a smirk growing on his face.
“Holy shit… holy mother fucking shit! I never thought I’d see one ever again!” Bob gently set his guitar down and looked over the electric guitar. “And I can keep one instrument after the show’s done?”
“Of course. Or all of them. I have friends in higher places who sponsored this concert; they’re who I got the instruments from.” Filthy Rich shook his head. “Don’t hug-”
“Thank you, thank you so much. You… you genuinely don’t know how much this means to me. I-I-I…” Bob started crying a little. “Sorry about intruding on your personal space,” the human backed off of the shocked stallion. “I always, always wanted to perform on stage in front of an audience. Now I can do that. It’s all thanks to you.” Filthy Rich smirked again as he nodded to himself.
“I knew giving you a chance would be worth it. It’s rare that you see a pony genuinely that grateful when you help them out. You’re going to go far kid. Go test out some of those instruments, the concert starts tonight at six. I’ll be back with my family later… I even heard that Princess Celestia and her sister will be attending the show. No pressure.” Bob nodded, before running to check out the drum looper. It was a pretty simple thing. It had a mic plugged into it, which hung over the drum kit, which recorded it and played it through a gramophone. First, Bob noticed various other mics plugged into the speaker system for all the other instruments. He walked around and waved to a few ponies who were setting the speakers up. Within minutes, Bob traced back where every instrument’s mic went and pulled them out. He walked over to the loop machine and plugged them into it. “It’s currently ten in the morning… and I have until six at night. Oh… I have an idea.”
After playing bits and pieces of Carol of the Bells as a test, his eyes widened.
“This thing’s cool!” Bob grinned as it played each instrument recording. The piano, the xylophone that was also on stage… The violin and the cello. His grin got even bigger. “You know,” one of the ponies said. “I’ve never seen anypony do that before. It usually records everything onto a gramophone disc so that it can be copied and sold later…” The mint green unicorn said with a grin. “I see what you’re thinking. As a fellow musician, I want to see what you try.”
“I have a bunch of instrumentals to record,” Bob said with a grin. “Who are you?”
“I’m Lyra, a local musician. I’ve never made it big like my friends Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, but I think I’m pretty knowledgeable with music. After I heard that you played several instruments at that school play, of all things, I’ve been a bit interested. Aside from interesting me, due to my own interests…” Her eyes flicked to his hands. Bob could see that the unicorn was barely containing herself. “Well, I’ll leave you to record what you gotta record. I’ll see you on stage at six!”
So, Bob spent the next few hours recording songs that required several instruments onto various gramophone discs, after learning he didn’t need to have a disc for every instrument, as the drum looper had an option to record constantly; it loops after every part until you tell it to stop. After a few hours, Bob had several recordings, without any vocals. The only songs he wanted to play, but didn’t record into the machine, were songs that didn’t require more than one instrument. The human smiled as he set the discs aside after testing each one, each had their own labeled casing. “I fucking got this-”
It was six, and Bob was sitting behind the curtain. The field was packed. With a peek outside, Princess Celestia and and Luna were given a private booth that was built on the spot, along with a gray, snobbish looking earth pony, and a white unicorn with a pair of goggles. He took several breaths and tried to calm himself down. “Oh, I am so fucked. Why did I agree to this?”
“Tea? It’ll calm your nerves,” Filthy Rich offered the cup.
“No. That'll mess up my throat and I’ll sound worse. I’ve got a technique.” Bob closed his eyes and giggled. “Okay, I’m good.” His voice held strong and he was no longer jittery. “Aight, I’ll go break a leg, cya when the show’s done, Rich!” Bob went out on stage.
“Isn’t that a bad thing?” Rich asked as the human went to address the crowd.
“Howdy Ponyville, I believe you all know who, and what I am at this point, but I was told to say this by a certain, lavender unicorn. Hi, I’m Bob, and I’m what’s known as a human being. I can play various instruments, which you will see me play at several points during the concert, but not now. I went ahead and used a special piece of equipment, that was lent to me by Filthy Rich, to record a lot of the instrumentals I’ll be using for this performance. Some of the songs will be serious, some will be silly, I wrote none of them. They’re all going to be songs my kind has written throughout the thousands of years we’ve been alive. Without further ado… let’s get on with the show!” Bob walked over to the piano.
“As tradition,” Bob started. “For anyone who figures out that I am a musician, you all will hear this first song of mine…” Bob took a deep breath. “A World On Fire by Bo Burnham!” Bob slammed his fist into the piano and screamed like a man that was burning alive. That caught a lot of the ponies off guard and they started cracking up. “Okay, that’s going to be the best performance of the show.” Bob chuckled as he played a few extra notes. “So, here’s a song about why the chicken crossed the road.” That got a couple of chuckles from the crowd once more. Bob decided to put his heart into that performance.
And by the end of the song, everypony was crying. Bob could even see Luna tearing up in the booth. Bob took a few deep breaths. “So that’s why she did it, moving on!” Bob chuckled at how everypony’s jaws dropped. He walked over to the drum looper and put a disc labeled ' Refrain Boy ’ into it. “Don’t worry, fillies and gentlecolts, I only recorded the drums, the bass, the violin, and the cello for this one. I’ll be playing the guitar and actually singing.” Bob grabbed his guitar and started playing an acoustic version of the song.
This was the one song Bob wanted to get right, as he had been practicing for months, and while it would’ve worked better to use an electric guitar, he wanted to play the song on his guitar. No matter how old it was. There was only one reason why Bob did not record the guitar part, and he showed it by doing the solo.
In the booth, Vinyl Scratch was nodding her head, while Octavia Melody nodded to the beat. “He is pretty good, if he played both the cello and violin for this.”
“He’s using electronics to help perform,” Vinyl commented. “That’s sure to piss off a few nobles… I like him.” She then took her goggles off, her eyes were wide. “Hey Tavi,” she pointed a hoof at the human. “He just swapped to an electric guitar halfway through that solo almost flawlessly.” The two musicians were interrupted by Luna cheering like a very proud mother. “Somepony is already a fan,” Vinyl chuckled. “So, what do you say? Wanna spread the word in Canterlot?”
Bob was in the middle of singing about a fairtyale . Octavia’s jaw dropped when he did a live violin solo.
“By the Sun, he can play a lot of instruments. I can’t even imagine remembering how to use a guitar, and that… child is switching between a guitar, a bass and now a violin? I’m hearing a xylophone in the recording, Vinyl. I’m more than impressed! Granted, his violin and cello skills could use some work, but he’s doing just fine and it isn’t so bad that it makes my ears bleed… It has an amateurish sound to it, but it’s a pleasing amateur sound. I definitely am going to spread the word about this.”
Eventually, Bob set himself right back on the piano. “Well folks, I would like to thank you all for coming on out here. I know it’s not everyday that you would come out and waste an hour or two of your time with a weird, clothing wearing monkey that can sing, so I greatly appreciate you all coming out. I’m glad I got to make you laugh a few times with the silly songs, and I’m happy to know that when I threw my heart into what I played tonight, that it made some of you tear up just a little.” Bob took a deep breath. “I have one more song to play. Now that the show is done .”
After the song, Bob stepped off stage around back and fell in his chair. He was breathing heavily, shaking a lot, and overall… Happy. For once he stood in front of a crowd of ponies without getting hurt, not one scowled. Not one tried chasing him out of town. The entire crowd was happy to be there. They wanted to be there. Maybe, just maybe with time, he could truly find happiness on Equus. He nearly fell while taking the stairs off the stage.
He spent an hour signing greeting ponies and signing autographs, having just made an entire town’s worth of fans… he passed out from the stress of it all.
Author's Note
things are starting to look up for bob. Surely everything will keep going well for him… right?
Bob woke up in the library the day after his concert with a start. He looked around for a moment. Twilight and Spike were already out of the room, that wasn’t a surprise; they often got out of bed before he did. Everything was in place. His guitar was sitting off to the side in a stand that Twilight had helped him build, and… everything seemed normal. Until Bob noticed the violin and cello cases next to it. Alongside a drum kit and the electric guitar and bass that were laying in a matching pair of guitar stands. “Last night wasn’t a dream?” Bob asked, looking around the room a couple more times before sliding out of bed. He walked into the bathroom and quickly did the usual, take a shower, brush his teeth, relieve himself.
When Bob got downstairs, Twilight and Spike were sitting at the dining table. There was a stack of pancakes on the table. The human took a seat and picked up a fork, only then did he notice the vinyl sitting in the middle of the table. It was an album of every single song Bob played on stage. “So last night wasn’t some sort of fever dream?” Bob looked down at the vinyl before back at the unicorn and drake.
Twilight answered his question. “No, it wasn’t. Just about everypony in town knows your name and wants to meet you, by the way. Filthy Rich stopped by with your portion of the bits, and this vinyl that he’s going to copy and sell to ponies in town. He wanted to give you a few to sign. “Each song on this album was from your world?”
“Eeyup. I more or less sang other people’s songs to a crowd of ponies, and I’m getting paid for it. It feels… wrong, but I’m glad I can find some way to bring the music that I love and grew up with into Equestria.”
“And somepony,” Spike added. “Really wants an autograph,” Spike said, staring at the album in front of his plate.
“You want an autograph?”
“No… yeah, I do. Every song I heard last night was so different from one another, and all of them were so different from anything I’ve ever heard! One moment you’re singing about how the Moon is made of cheese, and then the next you’re singing a song that sounds… heavy on the thoughts. I really liked the chicken song because of how… stupid it sounds on the surface until you listen to the song. It was depressing.”
Bob took the vinyl and signed the cover with a quill. “Glad to see I already have a fan.”
“Oh yeah! And a few ponies would like to finally meet you, so I set up a meet and greet at Sugarcube corner, later when we all go out for lunch.” Twilight pulled out a schedule, before slowly putting it away after looking at her friend’s face. “Okay, so maybe we won’t have fifteen different meet up locations…”
“Well, not that many ponies will show up anyways, so it’ll be a little fun at least… How many fans could I possibly get?”
“The entirety of your class,” Spike said. “All of our friends, Princess Luna, Princess Celestia,” everyone at the breakfast table let out a long, withering sigh at Celestia’s name. “Two popular musicians who want to speak with you, and Twilight sent one of the vinyls that Mr. Rich gave us to Mom and Dad. Oh, and you’re in the newspaper.”
“...How long was I out for?” Bob asked.
“A day. You were definitely stressed out,” Twilight said. “And nopony really blames you, since you apparently spent all day recording a majority of what was played on stage.” The three of them started eating dinner when Twilight spoke up. “I may have also told Mom and Dad about your play ahead of time… they’re staying in a motel. Shining Armor and Cadance also showed up just to see the show. They’re going to be there at the meet up when we get there.” Bob blinked. “And they have adoption papers.”
“...Oh shit.” Bob’s eyes widened. “Uh…” Bob broke and was moved out the door when the three of them were done eating, but quickly fell in pace behind Twilight as led the way. At some point, Spike ended up getting a piggyback ride from the human.
“Uh…” Bob was walking up to Sugarcube Corner with Twilight and Spike. “That is a lot of ponies…” Bob quickly noted that Luna was there, wearing an adorable little hoodie instead of her regalia, and Celestia was there, in her regalia, in all of her glory when they walked in. Luna was sitting away from Celestia in the corner of the room, and Celestia was near the middle. Bob quickly snuck away from Twilight and snuck over to the corner the Moon Princess was sitting at. She quickly took her hood off and happily hugged the human as they greeted each other. “Luna!” Bob laughed and hugged his alicorn friend as tightly as he could.
“Bob! It is good to see you!” She giggled. “I am glad that you wish to see me, but perhaps you should meet your fans first,” Bob slowly turned to see the full room of ponies that were staring at him. For the first time that he could remember, nopony in the room was giving him looks of fear, anger, or the usual hatred. No, it was curiosity and excitement. Still, it was a lot of eyes, and Bob chuckled a bit and waved. “Uh… hey,” Bob said awkwardly. “What’s up everyone?” Bob quickly hid behind Luna when one pony moved a hoof. The moon Princess shook her head, almost solemnly, she nuzzled the human a few times to calm down the human, who was already breathing quickly.
“Oh fuck, I could barely talk to other kids at my school. How the hell am I going to talk to anyone here?” Bob clutched the sides of his head. He only stopped when Luna draped a wing over him and held him tightly.
“Take a deep breath, Bob. These ponies are actually excited to see you, they won’t lay a hoof on you. If they do, Shining Armor is on the opposite side of the room from us with Cadance, who is no slouch in magic or combat, Twilight’s Sparkle’s dad, who was a captain of the Royal Guard before he ended up becoming my sister’s advisor, Twilight Sparkle and all of her friends, and myself to answer to. You won’t be hurt, and you’ll enjoy your time. And… stay away from my sister. She’s using this as an opportunity to ‘amend’ your nonexistent friendship.” She glared at Celestia, who looked as serene as ever while munching away on some cake, even if the elder Princess’s eyes flicked to her younger sister in slight depression for the briefest of moments. “There’s a reason why none of Twilight’s family are near her, and there’s a reason why I am sitting away from her.”
Bob closed his eyes and giggled. “Okay, I’m normal again. I can do this.” Bob got out from under Luna’s wing and waved to the crowd. “Sorry about that; old habits are hard to break… Should I be saying everypony? I don’t know if I should or not; I grew up with saying ‘everyone’ and not ‘everypony’. I’m also gonna be blunt and say… This is way out of my comfort zone, so I’ll just be chatting with Luna for a bit. If anyone wants to stop by, say ‘hi’ or talk to me for a little bit, feel free.”
So that’s what Bob did, sit and chat with Luna while a pony or two would come by and say ‘hi’ or ask for an autograph. To say Bob was still adjusting to the fact that ponies, a lot of ponies, were being nice to him, was an understatement. Occasionally he would be casually joking with Luna, and then get tapped on the shoulder and immediately get ready to run away, only to greet a friendly, smiling pony that just wanted to see their new favorite musician… A few ponies even stopped by and said ‘hi’ to Luna rather respectfully without any fear. In fact, it made Luna a little happier when ponies started actually trying to talk to her just as much as they talked to Bob.
Out of the blue, a golden hue picked Bob up and carried him across the room. Everypony watched with intent as Bob landed in a chair… at Celestia’s table.
“Hello, Bob. How are you doing this afternoon?”
“...What do you want, Princess Celestia?” Bob crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.
“I just wanted to chat, and talk about your performance at your show last night. I can see that you are quite talented, and I must say… I’ve never seen a single pony even attempt to play as many instruments as you did, not just attempt, but actually play them all reasonably well! First, the piano, the cello, and then three different types of guitars!” Celestia clapped her hooves. “I just wanted to meet my new, favorite artist after all, and you seemed intent on staying with Luna, for whatever reason, the entire time that you’re here. When there’s a room full of your fans that you could be saying ‘hi’ to!”
“It’s not every day I get to see Luna, it’s pretty rare actually, and I like Luna. Out of all the alicorns, she’s definitely my favorite-”
Cadance, in her own corner of the room coughed.
“Cadance, you’re awesome, but I just like Luna.” The Princess of Love snorted before going back to chatting with Twilight Velvet. The elder Twilight cast a glare at Celestia the moment Bob was forcefully set in front of her, but she still managed to uphold a friendly conversation with the pink alicorn in front of her. “Princess, I am glad and ‘flattered’ that you want to meet me, but I’m still the same kid from a couple of weeks ago. And I…” Bob cleared his throat. “Oh look, I think Twilight’s mom wants me to go say ‘hi’ to her. She has to be one of my favorite Twilights, so I’m going to go ahead and say ‘hi’ to her and probably hug her. See ya Celestia!”
Celestia nodded, before letting Bob head over to the table the Twilight family was occupying. Meanwhile, though nopony noticed, save for Luna, the Sun Princess’s head hung just a little bit. Luna got up to go meet the Twilights as well, and to remain close to her human. The whole way, she gave the stink eye to Celestia, and only stopped when she saw Bob cradling Twilight Velvet while she showered him with nuzzles and kisses. The sight made the Lunar Princess smile, before shaking her head to join back in on the festivities.
After Twilight Velvet and Bob had settled down, the mare was set on her feet and she cleared her throat. “Now, Bob. I know how you feel about being adopted, especially after… what Twilight told us, but I have something to offer you!” Velvet took out an adoption form. “I already signed my side of the paperwork, if you want to become a part of my family, everypony here will welcome you with open hooves!”
Bob stared down at the adoption paper for a moment, reading every line. “I… I don’t know.” He sighed. “I-I…” Bob choked for a moment and everyone in the room froze and looked at him. “I can’t truly forget my own family, Mrs. Twilight. I know, you want to offer me a family, but I just can’t forget my siblings, or my Dad. I just can’t forget the people I’ve been with for my entire life .” Bob wiped a single tear from his eyes. The human took a deep breath. “I don’t think I’ll be going home any time soon, if ever . I can learn to move on, even if I really don’t want to move on.” The human picked up the quill and moved to sign the paper, his hand was shaky. “You guys… you all agreed on this?”
Every one of the Twilights nodded.
“Of course we did! Everypony is for it,” Twilight Velvet’s grin got even bigger when Bob signed the paper. “Yes! You’re going to tell me your birthday, young stallion. We will be celebrating your first birthday as a part of our family. Even if we have to drag you to Canterlot to do that.” A small smile formed on the human’s face at the idea, before he was promptly smothered by the Twilight Family.
The next day, everypony from out of town went back home, save for Cadance. She wanted to spend just a little more time with Bob, but went back on a chariot in the morning. Bob yawned as he was walking through town, towards school. It was one of those days where he was bored out of his mind and figured he could go to school to have something to do. A pony would happily wave at him, which he would happily return, or a pony would walk up to him and ask for a few ear scratches, which he also happily gave.
He walked into a cafe to grab a coffee before getting to school, and froze at the door. Every single pony in the cafe was now eyeballing him. Bob’s even been inside this specific cafe, since it was one of his favorites, but that was almost always with Twilight or one of her friends. “Uh… hey,” Bob got in line only for some of the ponies to quickly move out of the way. “Why… are you guys giving me your spot in line?”
“Well sir,” the mare that was in front of him said. “You’re probably busy, aren’t you?”
Bob blinked a couple of times and jammed a pinkie in his ear and scraped around in there. “Am I hearing you right, m’am? I’m busy?”
“Yeah… aren’t you-”
“I can wait in line guys, a few minutes won’t kill me. Get back in line; I’m no different from the average pony; I’m just some guy going through his day.” The ponies before him slowly got back in line and Bob shook his head. A few minutes later, Bob was walking out with his favorite blend of coffee and sugary stuff. This time around, the cashier actually wrote down his order so that they could remember it for later, which was a nice touch and a step up from only listening to Twilight whenever he wanted to order something from the little shop.
Bob got to school on time, despite his little detour and sat down in the back of class. Arrow sat down beside him, as usual, before just hopping up in his lap anyways. Bob chuckled and spent a few minutes petting the colt while the rest of his classmates started filling the room. The human sighed; he was getting tired of all of the looks he was getting. First, it was regular ponies, now it was the children too. They weren't malicious or anything, so Bob wasn’t scared, he just didn’t like the attention. At least Arrow didn’t seem to be treating him any differently.
Until Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon took a seat next to him, both on opposite sides of him. Arrow looked around, noting that his seat had been taken, before shrugging; he had a human lap to sit on, and it certainly beat sitting on the wooden floor of the school house. So he didn’t really complain, and since Bob wouldn’t be using the desk much anyways, the colt set up his writing utensils. He also pulled out a notebook full of little tricks for math class that Bob had been teaching him.
“So Bob,” Diamond Tiara side eyed the human. “How was your concert?” She asked.
“Weren’t you there with your Dad, since he sponsored and set up the whole thing?”
“I was,” she hummed. “Perhaps you can spend some time with me and Silver Spoon after school? You could show us how you managed to record all those songs…” Diamond Tiara began giving him a sultry look that went completely over the human’s head; he was too busy staring down at the notes Golden Arrow was taking out.
“I said I’d hang out with Arrow today, can’t do that.” The human’s voice was muffled, as he was speaking into the back of the colt’s head.
“But… you owe me! My daddy’s the reason why you even got to have a concert to begin with!”
“I owe your dad, I am very grateful for what he’s done for me. When I get the chance, I’m going to try and set up a chat over some coffee, or something, with him. However, as far as I’m aware, you are a filly and his daughter, not Filthy Rich, so I don’t owe you anything. Besides, what happened to only referring to me as ‘ape’ and making fun of my family?” Bob asked while Cheerilee finally got to her desk to take attendance.
“I said I was sorry!”
“No you didn’t. Bob left before you even got the chance,” Arrow said, looking over his notes. “You then bragged at recess about making him storm out of class like that.” He finally looked up from the notes and calmly stared at the spoiled filly. “You’re lying, and if you keep lying to him, I will buck you in the face. You can pick on me all you want, but you leave Bob alone. Period. Don’t speak with him, don’t lie in his face or give him that fake little act you give when you’re only sorry for getting caught. Got it?” Bob slowly looked down at Arrow. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were now trying to look at anything other than the colt.
“That is the scariest thing I’ve heard anyone say in my life. Just… how calmly you said it.”
“If she hurts you, physically or mentally, I’m not standing for it. I’ll… beat the shit out of them-”
“Where’d you learn that language?”
“You. Who else?”
“God dammit; I’m a terrible influence on you. You need to stop hanging out with me.”
“No I don’t! My friend’s a super cool musician, an alien, and has the best back scratchers in the world for paws! I wanna spend more time with you.”
“...Your mother is going to kick my butt if she hears you use that language around her… If she asks who you learnt it from,” Bob slowly pointed at Silver Spoon. “She taught you, alright?”
“Alright.” Arrow cooed again when Bob’s hand slipped under his jaw and scratched an itch that had been bothering the colt all morning.
A few days later, Bob was sitting in the library, sipping on sugar with some tea in it. Sitting beside him was Twilight Sparkle, and sitting before him was another unicorn, a white one with a messy, blue mane. She had a pair of goggles that made it almost entirely impossible to see her eyes through them. Beside her was a light gray earth pony, she had a neat, clean dark brown mane, and wore a collar with a bowtie on it.
“So,” Bob said, breaking the silence between the four of them. “You’re DJ Pon3, or Vinyl Scratch?” Bob asked, pointing at the unicorn.” She nodded. “Octavia Melody?” He asked, pointing at the earth pony. The mare also nodded. “Twilight said you wanted to chat and neither of you have said a word yet. We were just about to go camping and you ladies showed up… so what’s up?”
“Well, Bob. We were just stopping by to talk about your performance at your concert,” Octavia spoke first. “You’re quite the talented fellow, you know? I’m not sure how aware you are of this, but most ponies that even pick up an instrument only know how to play that one instrument. Whether that instrument is a cello, or a guitar, or whether or not it’s singing, most ponies only know how to do one thing. You seem to be at least knowledgeable in several instruments. You played the cello, you played the violin. I believe I heard you use a xylophone throughout parts of the tracks you recorded…
“You’re simply an anomaly to most pony musicians. Most ponies, myself included, struggle even picking up a second instrument and you’re playing several. Granted, you aren’t playing them all at once, but you can play the piano. You can play the cello. To top it off, you can sing. I was…”
“How about we set up another concert,” Bob interjected. “You and I, somewhere in… maybe Canterlot, maybe here in Ponyville. It would be fun and if we go to Canterlot, my adoptive mother and father can watch me play.”
“We… could do that.”
“Cool. Do you know how to play the bass?”
Octavia scoffed. “Of course I can! It’s a bit harder with how much heavier the bass is, and how much thicker the strings are, but I can play the bass well.”
“So how do you feel about swing music?”
“What is swing music?” Bob grinned.
Twilight Sparkle side eyed her new brother. “Bob, what are you thinking?”
“I have a song to write.” Bob hopped from his chair and ran upstairs to throw some ideas onto some paper. Vinyl Scratch shook her head.
“If his idea involves writing a killer song, then I’m all down for any devious schemes that he’s planning!”
A Human and his Totally Normal Wolf
Before Octavia left, she said that she would be available to perform in a concert with the human, in Canterlot, by the start of summer. As it stands, she has enough gigs to keep her booked until then, which Bob really didn’t mind. Apparently she had to play at a wedding for some royals in a couple weeks, so that could mean anything from Princess Celestia, or somebody in the Royal Family. Either way, what Octavia was doing, Bob thought that simply wasn’t his problem. Twilight, being there as Bob’s ‘manager’ for the meeting with DJ Pon3, which was just a stage name, go figure, wanted to go spend the day with her friends. She left Bob to his own devices, which was fine by him.
Bob was nose deep in a notebook, having just written a song to poke fun of Octavia lyrically. Bob also knew that writing the sheet music out for the song would take longer, so he set that off to the side for now. Since he had nothing to do, he figured he’d watch over the library until Twilight came back, even if she said he didn’t have to; he lived on her dime, and it didn’t exactly sit right with him. No matter how often he was told it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Twilight gets a stipend check from Princess Celestia, which is around… a hundred bits a month. Since the library was owned by Ponyville, and the rent was being paid by the Princess in question, that left all of the bits from that stipend for food. There were three people living in the library, and one of those people primarily ate gems even though he could eat other things. Those gems took a major cut out of the check, and that really only left them fifty bits to spend on food. Bob, on the other hand, had at least four thousand bits lying around.
In other words, Bob was rich. Not very rich, but he had enough money to keep Twilight, himself, and Spike afloat for years.
After a while of sitting around, Bob heard the doggy door to the library flap a few times. He got out of his chair to see what was happening… only to get tackled by a familiarly sized canine. Bob laughed as Balto stood upright, using the human as a crutch, as he was licked and tickled by the puppy. Despite the dire wolf being… well, a puppy, he was still as big as some of the larger dog breeds Bob had heard of, while being nothing but fluff, muscle, and bone. Bob giggled and slowly lowered himself to the ground as Balto worked out his initial burst of energy, and the two of them sat there, cuddling in the middle of the library.
Eventually the two of them broke apart, so Bob could make food for himself. Despite Balto being full, when the human offered to cook something for the wolf, the moment he sat down Balto was right next to him. “What’s up bud?” Bob said, looking up from his plate of spaghetti, that was left over from. The wolf started sniffing at the plate. “I just asked you if you wanted to eat anything!” Bob chuckled as he put a finger on the wolf’s muzzle. “One fork full, okay?” The canine nodded and was given the forkfull. Balto’s eyes widened as he literally wolfed down his bite.
“No bud, you can’t have the rest of my bowl; I need the food and you apparently just ate something.” The wolf gave a canine-esk shrug before laying on top of the human’s feet and dozing off. “Mother fucker, now I’m stuck here,” Bob chuckled as he dug into his meal.
The next day, Balto was lounging on the floor, while his owner was using him as a pillow while the two of them were idly reading. Twilight, Spike and the rest of the elements were playing a board game. The six mares had wanted to go on a picnic… until Rainbow remembered that she had scheduled a massive thunderstorm at eleven in the morning.
By twelve, there was a thunderstorm.
“Bob, c’mon and join in with us!” Twilight said, having set up a monopony board. Bob set his book down and shrugged. “Well?”
“Alrighty,” Bob walked over to the table, and Balto followed suit. Thanks to the table being made for ponies, the dire wolf found no problem sitting next to Bob. “So, what’s this game called?” Bob asked as he stared as Bob was handed a bunch of fake bits.
“You roll the dice using this cup,” Twilight set the cup on the table. “Since rolling dice with hooves is a bit hard, you go around the board and buy properties. Whenever somepony lands on a property that you own, they pay you one of the game tokens. When you run out-”
“Oh shit…” Bob paused and looked Twilight in the eyes. “This sounds almost exactly like a game I played with my family…” Bob looked over the board. “Looks almost exactly like it, even if the names are different too.” Bob took a deep breath. “Sorry about cutting you off, this is just… so eerily similar. The name, the board, the rules… you can buy houses and hotels, right?”
“Cottages and houses, cottages are cheaper, and you can put four on a property. You get a house when you try to put a fifth cottages on your property.”
“...Holy shit…” Bob chuckled. “Ah, back home we have a game very similar to this called Monopoly. Or if you played this with your friends or family, the friendship breaker…” Everypony looked wide eyed at that nickname. “It’s a joke. You’d be shocked at how competitive my family got over playing this game…” The human brought a hand up to his eyes as he wiped away a few tears, and Balto quickly nuzzled his cheek. “Sorry, seeing this brings a lot of memories…” Bob closed his eyes and giggled to himself. “Okay, I’m good now. Let’s play this.”
“Bob, if this game makes you sad, we don’t gotta play this,” Apple Jack said. “I found this ol’ game in the attic, and figured this would be perfect for our little indoor picnic. The last thing I want to do is-”
“Apple Jack… As much as even I hate to admit it, unless somebody can send me back home, my family is long gone. I won’t forget them; how could I? I also know that that life is long behind me now. I probably won’t see Dad, or my brothers again…” Bob took a deep breath. “I don’t forget, but I can move on. C’mon, let’s just play and have some laughs… I would rather have memories of us sitting around and laughing at this table, than the only memory of us all sitting here being when you all thought of me as a monster.” Bob picked up the dice and stuck them in the cup. “Any of you wanna go first?”
“I’ll go,” Spike took the cup and gave it a good shake before letting the dice roll…
Four hours later, the storm was still going on, and the game was… forgotten about. Fluttershy was hiding under her cushion. Spike was being pinned down by Pinkie, Rainbow and Apple Jack were yelling at each other. Rarity was yelling at Twilight after she had gotten bankrupted, and somehow Balto managed to start playing the game as well, and was pinning Bob down for the sake of pinning him down. Twilight was technically winning.
After the ponies, dragon, and human had gotten over their initial competitiveness, they threw the Monopony game into the fireplace and all agreed to not play it ever again.
“I see why your family called this game the friendship breaker,” Rarity shivered. “I can’t believe I acted so barbaric over a board game.”
“I just don’t know why my own wolf pinned me down,” Bob chuckled. “Or how the hell he figured out how to play Monopony, but I know I shouldn’t question this stuff. I stopped questioning stuff when I watched Luna raise the Moon.”
“Perhaps we should find something more relaxing to spend the day,” Twilight said as she combed her mane back into place.” Twilight let out a deep breath. An idea popped in her head as she looked deviously at Bob. “How about Karaoke?” She asked.
“How the heck are we gonna do that?”
“Well… with Harmony Magic, anypony, when they hear music, can usually pick up on lyrics. So perhaps you could play a song on your guitar, and everypony gives a shot at singing it. After we all have a turn, you actually sing what the lyrics are.” Bob raised an eyebrow. “It would be nice to hear you play, and-” a blue flash made everypony jump… except Bob.
“Howdy Luna,” Bob casually waved.
“Greetings. I heard there was an inside picnic?”
“Princess Luna!” Twilight bowed. “When did you…”
“Luna found out how to spy on me,” Bob shrugged. “And I let her, mostly because if I end up getting stuck somewhere, she can just teleport to me and get me out of trouble…” Luna nuzzled him. “And she shows up at night, since she figured out that there’s actually a guest bedroom in the library, just to nuzzle me before I go to sleep.” Rarity opened her mouth. “No, Luna and I aren’t dating.”
Rarity reeled back, “What? I was about to say that sounds adorable!”
“So, may I participate? My duties… have been interrupted.”
“Luna… tell the truth.”
“I admit that I have been flipping my sleep schedule around so that I am awake during the day. As I can’t do anything efficiently for one reason or another, such as having to prep my own meals. The paperwork stacks, I have no castle staff that are willing to actually help me get simple tasks such as bringing just a bowl of soup up to my room, and suddenly it’s my fault that I can’t get through as much as Celestia does. Or that I can’t get as many ponies in my court when nopony shows up. Seeing as I am not appreciated, since Celestia only sees me to try and get information on Bob, I figured I can be a bit more lax with my duties; no matter how much I get done, I still get compared to how much my sister gets done in a day.
“So I am here now, because not being yelled at over numbers on a budget is not fun.” The Lunar Princess looked at Bob and clapped her hooves. “A little, private performance for the picnic?” She hummed. “No, you are getting ready to do a bizarre thing called karaoke. I should know this given that I was watching this little picnic from Bob’s eyes…” she chuckled. Luna sighed when Bob’s new pet suddenly chose to lay in his lap, taking her usual preferred spot whenever the two of them were in each other’s presence… That is her human dammit!
“So Bob, what are you going to play first?” Twilight asked. Bob smirked and plucked a couple notes before diving right into a song.
A week after the indoor picnic, Bob was heading out to an actual picnic with his dire wolf. Today, there was to be another picnic to make up for last week, since it rained all of last week because it’s spring and it’s the rainy season or something. Bob didn’t really care. He was running a tad bit late since he wanted to bake some blueberry muffins for the picnic. Well, blueberry muffins and one blueberry cupcake because Pinkie wanted to see if Bob could make a good cupcake or not.
“Howdy everybody,” Bob waved as he came up upon his group of friends… Well, Twilight’s group of friends. Bob wasn’t super sure how the other six actually perceived him still. “I brought muffins-” Pinkie’s tongue managed to reach all the way from where she was sitting, to the tray. “And the cupcake that Pinkie just ate.”
“Oooh, that is a good cupcake! Who knew that you’d be almost as good at making cupcakes as I am?” Pinkie asked.
“almost?” Bob asked.
“You didn’t put enough sugar in it, duh!”
“...If I put sugar in it and another human being ate it, they probably… wait, you’re a horse, a mini horse, but a horse. You probably could stomach that.” Bob chuckled as he sat down. Balto laid down behind him, eying the muffins. Bob took one of the eight muffins and handed it to the wolf. Everypony gave him an odd look. “What?”
“You’re spending a lot of time with that dire wolf. Ever since you got him, now that you don’t have a concert to worry about, you’re always with Balto,” Rarity pointed out. “And feeding him a bunch of food meant for ponies.”
“Lemme guess, you think my wolf and I are dating now?” Bob asked sarcastically. “I used to do this all the time with my dog back home. Every single day, I at least interacted with my dog. Patted him on the head, scratched him, and walked him. Sometimes sneak him a piece of bacon too. I dunno how you ponies interact with your pets, namely Apple Jack since she actually has a dog, but I try to at least spend some time with my dog before I ended up here…” Bob patted Balto on the head as the wolf gently took the muffin from Bob and swallowed it in one bite. “Since I really don’t have school, or anything to do, yeah, I’m gonna spend some time with my wolf. If this world is anything like mine, I’m assuming my wolf won’t live forever, so I’m spending a good chunk of time with him.”
“Dire wolves can live up to sixteen years,” Twilight pointed out. “That’s in the wild. He can probably live a lot longer with you taking care of him, Bob.”
“Oh…” Bob smiled. “Ah… fuck,” he patted Balto on the head again. “That’s a long time,” the human chuckled. “Well, there’s a morbid human saying about having a pet that I’m not gonna say. I would rather not accidentally nose dive into something depressing.” The human leaned back to find Balto had moved to act as a backrest for the human. The seven began to chat and happily ate their meals… Until the sound of footsteps made Bob jump. He brought his hands up the moment he shot to his feet… to see Spike.
“You’re still jumpy, Bob,” Twilight pointed out. “We gotta work that out if you.”
“Can’t teach an old dog new tricks Twi,” Bob chuckled as he calmed himself down.
Twilight quickly turned her attention to Spike. “Is something wrong, Spike?” As Spike tried to catch his breath, he was forced onto his butt when he burped up a letter. For some reason, it was a wedding in Canterlot. As Twilight went over the duties of each of her friends. Bob, himself was put in charge of playing the violin during the wedding, and to help play in the orchestra for the reception. “Who’s getting married, though?”
“I was… supposed to give you this first,” Spike chuckled nervously.
“Princess Celestia invites you to the wedding of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and… my brother!” Twilight looked a little shocked at that. “Who the buck is Princess Mi Amore Cadenza?”
“Ooo,” Bob whistled. “Shining Armor didn’t even tell me or Twilight…” Bob rubbed the back of his neck. “Given that it’s only mildly important, I’m surprised he didn’t tell anyone that he was even in a relationship with anybody.” For some reason, Balto was now on high alert, watching as Twilight was having a bit of a fit over how she wasn’t even told, by her brother, about the wedding. “Uh… Twilight,” Bob said reading the letter over. “How many Princesses are there?”
“Three. There’s Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and then there’s Cadance.”
“Did you notice how… touchy your brother and Cadance were on Hearth’s Warming, or shocked that Cadance was with your brother instead of with her aunts?”
“No. Cadance always spent Hearth’s Warming with my family, since she was my foal sitter… and she and my brother were always good friends…”
“Twilight,” the human said with a small smirk. “Cadance literally held mistletoe over the two of them so that they could kiss. I think they’re a wee bit closer than just best buddies,” Bob also pointed at the letter again. “I also don’t think your brother would be marrying a griffin, or whoever the fuck. There’s a solid chance that he is marrying a Pony Princess. Cadenza sounds a lot like Cadance. I think I know who Cadenza is.”
“And. Just. Who. Is. That, Bob?” Twilight almost growled.
“Twilight, that Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is probably Cadance. How did you not know they were dating?”
“Because Shining Armor never told-wait, you think he’s marrying Cadance?”
“Yeah. Those two were all over each other while I was at your parents’ house.:”
“AND SHINING ARMOR DIDN”T BUCKING TELL ME!” Twilight took a deep breath. “It’s fine. Everything’s fine. The wedding starts in a week, so we have plenty of time to prepare. C’mon girls, and Bob, let’s go get ready to head to Canterlot… I have so many words for that stallion when I see him!” Twilight promptly grabbed Bob and Spike, and started marching towards the library. Balto looked at the other mares, did a very pony-like shrug, before trotting off after his human.
“Did that wolf just bucking shrug?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“It did. That was pony-like and everything.” Pinkie shrugged. “Maybe he’s as smart as a pony. Maybe the author wanted to add something that wasn’t as it seems. You never know. I know that Balto really likes Bob, so I know nothing bad can happen to him!”
Speaking of, Bob was in his room packing a suitcase. He had packed his guitar. He figured he wouldn’t be needing much else other than that, besides maybe the violin, but given how prone he was to messing up the violin when playing it live, he decided to not take that. Besides, he could play something nice… which is why he was bringing the electric guitar instead of the acoustic guitar; he still wanted to play something badass at the wedding. In fact, ever since he met Cadance, he figured he could write a song for her and play it whenever he got the chance, to the alicorn.
He had always wanted to write a shitty love song, so meeting Cadance was a good excuse to write a shitty love song.
“Bob,” the human jumped. “You can’t go to the wedding,” he looked around. The only other creature in the room, besides Bob, was Balto. “Look at the bed, Bob.” The human slowly turned to see Balto sitting on his haunches, on Bob’s bed. “What?” The canine titled his head. “I’m still the cute, loveable Balto that you know and love; I could always talk.” Bob shrugged and went back to packing. “You aren’t shocked by this?”
“I got over my initial shock of animals talking when I got blasted by a talking, motherfucking unicorn. I was more or less expecting you to start talking at some point with how… almost human your mannerisms are. You figured out how to play a board game, you do almost human-like shrugs, and you listen in on conversations with way more focus than any dog, or wolf, should.” Bob set the guitar in its case. “So why shouldn’t I go to the wedding?”
“Because Bob, something big is happening in Canterlot, where the wedding’s taking place. It won’t end well for you if you go.”
“But… Cadance and Shining Armor are getting married; they’re like… my third and fifth favorite ponies respectively. I gotta go support them and celebrate with them.”
“I know you want to, but trust me… I don’t want you to get hurt, alright?”
“I’m going, Balto. I’ll see ya when I get back home. You can keep yourself fed, right?”
“I can… but are you sure you want to go, even with this warning? I really don’t want you to get hurt, Bob!”
“I’ll be fine. I’ll have Twilight, who’s really good with magic and Luna to keep me safe. Aside from when I’m at the wedding, I don’t think I’ll be straying too far from either of them.”
“...Fine. Don’t get killed or I’ll find you and bite you.”
“How would you do that if I’m dead?”
“I can… buck you, Bob.” The human chuckled and hugged the canine. “Please just come back in one piece if you can. I don’t want to lose you.”
“If there’s one thing we humans can do, it’s survive. I’ll be fine.” Bob kissed Balto on the forehead. “Don’t eat anypony while I’m out!” Bob walked out the bedroom door while the canine sat and watched through the window as Twilight, Spike, and Bob met up with their friends and started heading towards the train station. He stared intently at them, as his eyes blinked and revealed light blue, bug-like eyes.
“I’m going to make sure you stay safe.” Balto hopped down from the window and scurried out of the library. He locked the doggy door and started trotting towards the train station.
Bob plopped down next to Twilight while the rest of the girls were happily chatting to each other while the lavender mare rested her head in a hoof as she stared out the window. “You know,” Bob leaned back. “I can’t really fault Shining Armor for not telling me of all people,” he shrugged. “We met just before Hearth’s Warming, and I still think he’s getting used to me despite us ending off as friends,” he pointed to Twilight. “And I can get why he didn’t tell you that he and Cadance were dating, and subsequently not telling you that he’s getting married.”
“Why wouldn’t he tell me?” Twilight asked. “I’m his LSBFF, he’s my BBBFF! We tell each other everything!”
“Well, put yourself in his shoes, er, hooves for a moment. Imagine just sitting at the dinner table one day, and you suddenly let out ‘oh yeah, I’m dating your old foalsitter’ to your younger sibling. Just out of the blue, no warning, just ‘I found somebody I love’ or whatever. Your parents probably saw it a mile away, but I don’t think Shining Armor took a moment to introduce Cadance to the family as his girlfriend. My older brother was scared as fuck as to what Dad woulda thought of his girlfriend, and his girlfriend was equally as nervous. On top of that, I’m assuming you and Shining Armor should still be living with your parents at your age, right?”
“Yeah… Shining Armor’s barely twenty six, and I’m only twenty one. Ponies aren’t even considered legal adults until they’re twenty one, even if some ponies choose to go live on their own at around eighteen. It’s… I haven’t really even been inside of my parents’ home since I was twelve and my parents gave me the okay to live in Canterlot Castle when I was thirteen to help with my studies…” Twilight took a deep breath. “Shining could’ve sent me a letter about the wedding himself! Maybe even during Hearth’s Warming! Princess Celestia was the one who sent the letter, not Shiny!”
“...Yeah, I’m not saying Shining Armor didn’t fuck up, that’s obvious; he fucked up. What I’m saying is don’t be too rough on him. I get where he’s coming from, and you should totally get him back for this. Does he know how to preen wings?”
“No…” Twilight said.
“Do research, and give him a five, no, ten page long report with graphs, graphs on how to properly preen wings. He’ll have to read all of that, be traumatized by graphs, and Cadance will get somebody who can properly preen her wings, who happens to be her husband.”
Twilight grinned. “Bob, you are devious… I’m going to make it a twenty page report.”
Bob laughed. “Oh fuck, I can imagine Shining Armor’s face when he’ll receive it…” Bob looked the unicorn in the eyes. “Make that his wedding gift.”
“...Good call,” Twilight nuzzled Bob. “There’s a reason why I keep you around.”
“Because I can scratch your chin better than your hooves and magic.”
“And because you humans are inherently evil as we’ve discussed. You tickled me for six minutes straight last week!”
“You were loafing while reading a book! How could I not come over and immediately start pestering you? It’s your fault for trying to lick my neck when I’m ticklish when you do that.”
With Twilight’s mood lifted, the train ride went over much, much quicker. Now Twilight was also happily discussing the wedding, her testing procedures for making sure everything goes well, and how beautiful and handsome Cadance and Shining, respectively, would look in their wedding dress and suit. Bob was more than content to lean back and relax… If anyone were paying attention, they would’ve noticed a pair of large, blue, insect-like eyes staring at them from the overhead suitcase storage.
The Queen is going to have my head for this… I was supposed to spy on Ponyville, and I got distracted. The creature thought as it slipped away. A pink barrier made him shiver, as everypony and human on the train started asking about the pink barrier. Twilight was quick to point out that it was a shield spell, noting how similar it was to the shields her older brother had made, only it was… a lot bigger.
As soon as the train stopped, everyone disembarked, while a small, black speck fell into Pinkie’s mane. Twilight rushed forward, likely to tell Shining Armor off, and Bob followed suit. The human quickly caught up to the unicorn. “I’ve got something to say to you mister!” Twilight yelled as she approached a wall. All the guards pointed spears at Bob and Twilight.
“Twilie!” Shining Armor said after poking his head over the wall. He took his helmet off… right as a guard threw a spear at Bob. The human yelped and ducked. The spear soared overhead, it just barely missed Bob. Shining Armor quickly shot a glare at the guard that just tried to kill the teenager. “We’re having a word, later, Private Sharp Point,” Shining Armor growled. He rubbed the back of his head as Bob slowly stood back up to his full height. “Sorry about that, Bob. Everypony is just on edge right now.”
Bob was rubbing the top of his head. “Fuck me…” He grumbled. “I thought we were past ‘let’s murder the hell out of the human’ bit of my life.”
“I told my guards to not attack anything bipedal and hairless, and sompony couldn’t follow orders.” Shining Armor offered a hoof. “No hard feelings?”
“You weren’t the one who threw the spear at me, man.” Bob took the hoof. “So where’s Cadance?”
“And why didn’t you tell me you two are dating?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I uh…” Shining Armor scratched the back of his head.
“You were being stupid, weren’t you?” Bob asked.
“...Yeah. I was so caught up with planning the wedding, and the guard because Canterlot was threatened. Between the threat, the wedding plans, and everything else… I couldn’t get the chance to write a letter to anypony. It’s why Princess Celestia sent the letter.”
“You’re lucky that Bob had a talk with me on the train ride here, or I would be much, much more angry with you, mister.” Twilight sighed. “I guess with all that you’ve got your hooves on, you’re a bit too busy to let me know about the wedding.”
“I saved the most important position for you, Twilie. Aside from wedding planning, you’re my best mare.” Twilight nodded and had a huge smile plastered on her face now. Shining Armor then turned his focus onto Bob. “And I hope that you give your all with Fluttershy; it would mean the world for me.” The human raised an eyebrow.
“If I didn’t give my all in music, I would be a really shitty musician. I’m still a bit shitty, but I still give my all in what I do.”
“Hey, don’t talk about yourself like that. Some of my guards managed to get a hold of your album, and I caught one of them singing it when they thought they were alone. A bunch of them sing songs from it, in the shower.”
“...Okay then. Wish I didn’t know that. So, where’s Cadance?” Bob asked. “Surely she wouldn’t be too far away from you, with the two of you marrying.” As if, on queue, the Princess of Love walked down the steps of the wall. Her eyes widened upon seeing Bob, but showed indifference to Twilight.
“Dear,” Cadance pointed at Bob. “What the buck is that, and why hasn’t it been thrown in the dungeons?”
“...What?” Bob asked. Twilight took a step back at the words that left her old foalsitter’s mouth. “Cadance, we met on Hearth’s Warming. Are you suffering from dementia or something?”
“It can talk?” Cadance asked.
Bob and Twilight looked at each other before the unicorn took her turn in greeting Cadance.
“Sunshine sunshine, ladybugs awake. Clap your hooves and do a little shake!” Twilight stopped when Cadance chose to not join in on her little ritual. Instead, she looked at the younger mare in confusion and almost… disgust.
A few hours later, Bob and Twilight were sitting outside of a cafe, alone. “Okay, something’s wrong with Cadance,” Bob said immediately. “Either she hit her head really hard or something else is up.”
“She didn’t even do our little friendship chant!” Twilight sighed. “She treated you like an animal!”
“Maybe it’s because we were in public or something.” Bob shrugged. “Though Cadance, even in public, is sweeter than a donut with me, and I don’t think she’d miss out on properly greeting her future sister in law.” Bob rubbed his chin. “Well, I haven’t known her long enough to truly know how she operates, so I’ll leave you to be the judge of her. For now… let’s try and blow past this wedding, and maybe after your brother’s honeymoon, Cadance will be back to normal.”
“You’re right, Bob. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
The next day, Bob was sitting with Fluttershy, holding his guitar while he watched the pegasus act as a conductor for a small choir of birds. The human clapped as they reached the end. “Man, I wonder why Celestia asked me if I could help out with the music. You’ve got this covered, Flutters,” the human said as he set his guitar down. He started rubbing the yellow pegasus while she was trying to hide behind her mane.
“Well, I, uh…” Fluttershy blushed. “It’s nothing special, really. The birds do all the work, really and-”
“You’re a good conductor…”
“T-thank you, Bob. Maybe you can show what you’re going to play?” Bob nodded.
“I wrote a song I was gonna play for Cadance, as I said, and figured the wedding, or the reception would be as good of a place as any to play it. I even had to do some research to see if you guys have the radio... Because I don’t listen to the radio .” As Bob played the beginning of the song, he snickered at his cheesy openning, Fluttershy’s birds had already joined in on singing along to the guitar. Bob put the guitar down after the first verse. “I wish I could’ve brought my drum machine, so I could record some strings and piano; they would work so beautifully in the bridge, but I think I can get Octavia to help out with the strings. I’m sure she’d love to help out…” The human grinned. “Your choir did a good job at mimicking the violin though, so I don’t think asking her will be necessary.”
Bob still just wanted an excuse to talk to Octavia… Even though he thinks that the cellist lived in Ponyville… Ponies need to have business cards.
“Necessary for what?” Cadance asked as she walked into the room. “Because I was hearing something that sounded… dreadfully cheesy. Why would you play something like that at a wedding when it could drown out the rest of the ceremony? Some of the words don’t even make sense!”
“I was going to play a few songs during your reception. Don’t wanna steal the show from Fluttershy, and I’m terrible with wedding songs. I’ve got the song I just played, and another one planned for a slow dance towards the end of the reception,” Bob shrugged. “Wanna hear the slow dance?”
“I will after I hear the music actually meant for the wedding. Actual music, not something that a monkey thought would sound good.” Bob flinched. He tried to open his mouth, but then Cadance closed it shut with her magic… That wasn’t the right color. It was green.
“...Alrighty,” Bob sighed and walked to the corner of the room, towards the piano. As the birds sang, with Fluttershy leading on, Bob played a few notes on the piano to help supplement the choir… Until Cadance glared at him. Her horn lit up and Bob was subsequently dropped outside of the room. “Well, fuck you too, Cadance. I thought we were cool, but if you wanna be a cunt, you can enjoy your wedding; I’m done with you!” Bob flipped the Princess off, even if she had already closed the doors. The human grumbled as he made his way out of the castle and towards the Twilight Family home. He figured spending time there would be a much better use of his time… only nopony was there, they were all at the castle so they could be on standby for the wedding.
Bob found himself sitting in his room for the rest of the evening. Luna was busy helping her sister watch over Canterlot, so he couldn’t even talk to her. Cadance was being a bitch, and Shining Armor would have supported it, no matter how much of a grade A bitch his fiance was being. Twilight was too busy making sure the wedding plans were going smoothly, and experiencing Cadance being a bitch, and the rest of her friends were too busy with busying themselves over their parts in the wedding. So he had nobody to talk to.
So Bob just sat in his room, idly strumming his guitar as he hummed the song he wrote for Cadance. Before setting the guitar down and just leaning back against the bed frame. “Fucking ponies, dude.” The human figured, since he wasn’t really going to be doing anything for the wedding anymore, thanks to a certain alicorn, he figured it would be time that he went out and explored Canterlot. He took a deep breath before he walked out of his room.
“Well hello, Bob,” the human sighed as he closed his room’s door shut. Princess Celestia walked up to him. “I thought you would be rehearsing some wedding songs alongside Fluttershy, like I asked you to. After all, I did quite enjoy your concert, hence why I asked you.”
“Cadance said she didn’t want an ape playing at her wedding reception. So I just kinda… walked out of the practice room and sat in here,” Bob jabbed at the door behind him. “Is it that time of the month? Because Cadance is acting the exact opposite of how she usually behaves. Like she’s being a whole ass cunt… don’t tell me that she’s started taking after her aunt. The tall white one, not Luna. Luna’s cool.”
“...You just had to somehow insult me, didn’t you?”
“You were a whole piece of shit, Princess, so it’s fair. Meh, fuck off. Hopefully Cadance is just nervous about getting married, and she’ll be back to normal. See you ‘round, your highness. Make sure to leave your local human alone, he doesn’t like sun controlling alicorns named Celestia. Wait, ‘it’, it doesn’t like sun moving alicorns. Aren’t you supposed to be watching over Canterlot right now?”
“Luna has taken over the watch for the night. Perhaps I can point you to Twilight and her friends instead? You probably wouldn’t want to miss her.” Bob sighed and nodded. After he got his directions, he flipped Celestia off and went on his way. “What does that mean?”
“Fuck you.” Bob said bluntly. He asked a nearby guard for directions out of the castle and went out on his way. When he found them, after a bunch of screams and running ponies… an autograph or two that made Bob smile. He found Twilight and her friends sitting around a table and having a drink. Twilight was going over how rude Cadance was to everypony . The human waved and took a seat at the ponies as he casually slid into the conversation. “Yo. Who we talkin’ shit ‘bout?” Bob asked, pretending to be oblivious.
“About how Cadance suddenly became really mean!” twilight sighed. “And the girls won’t believe me because they haven’t gotten the chance to really know Cadance like you or I, Bob. What did she do to you? You weren’t around when I came to check in on you and Fluttershy.”
“Oh, the same pony that found a lot of what I sang on Christ-Hearth’s Warming to be relaxing? Yeah, she called me an ape and didn’t know who the hell I was.” Bob leaned back. “I just thought she was being nervous, and pretending to be professional, but I think we’re dealing with an entirely different person, Twilight.”
“What makes you say that, Bob?” Apple Jack asked.
“Well, Cadance was usually pretty nice to me during the holidays. She didn’t remember who the hell Twilight is, which is a bit odd since we literally saw her at that little fan meetup a couple weeks ago. Cadance doesn’t know who I am. And… You guys can see unicorns using magic? Like Twi’s is kinda pink, Rarity’s is a bit bluer?” The ponies nodded. “Cadance’s magic is usually light blue, it’s kinda pretty… Cadance now? She shut my mouth with her magic… which was green. I dunno about how magic works, but I’m assuming a unicorn, or alicorn’s magic, is colored distinctly to the user? Like Luna has this blue magic that almost looks like the night sky, Prick-Lestia is golden. Or am I wrong?”
Twilight shook her head. “You’re right on that assumption Bob… But how do we prove that we’re dealing with a fake… if you’re right on that front.”
“I dunno. I wanna find the real Cadance if I am right. I don’t wanna… be right, which is a bit off. Because if I’m right, the real Cadance, the sweet, loving one you and I know and love, is trapped somewhere, or straight up dead. If that’s the case…” Bob shuddered. “For now, just keep going about the wedding plans as usual. Since the ‘fake’ Cadance doesn’t like me at all, I’m going to stay clear of her… Twi, go talk to Shining Armor, alone, and warn him. Aight? He might not know, or might already know.”
A day later, Bob was forced into attending the practice wedding. Since he was adopted by Night light and Twilight Velvet, he had to be at the wedding regardless of how much ‘Cadance’ wanted him to be there. Or how much Bob wanted to be at a practice wedding. What the hell was he supposed to do? All he had to do was clap and stomp his feet when Cadance and Shining Armor kisses. Out of everyone, he wasn’t given a role since Cadance really didn’t enjoy his attempts at trying to harmonize with Fluttershy’s choir of birds.
Since there were no seats, Bob stood out like a sore thumb. “Why aren’t you playing the violin for the wedding?” Twilight Velvet asked.
“Ask Cadance,” he whispered back. “I’m tempted to get a train ticket and head home for the wedding. Nobody'll miss me if I don’t attend the wedding or the reception…” Bob paused as the doors opened to reveal Cadance. The Alicorn of Love began to walk up the aisle… Twilight was notably missing. “Say, have you talked to Cadance recently? She was a wee bit snippy and racist with me.”
“…I haven’t, why- wait, Cadance? Racist?” Twilight Velvet asked. The human nodded. “My word… I never had wedding stress so bad that it made me racist.”
“Stop!” Twilight shouted as she ran up the aisle and got into Cadance’s face. “She’s bucking evil !” Everyone stopped. Everyone was now staring at the lavender unicorn. “Cadance hit Shining Armor with a spell and-“
“Why can’t you let me be happy?” Cadance let out a slight snarl, and then started getting teary eyed.
“Wow,” Bob spoke up. “That is some really shitty acting.”
“What did you just say?” Cadance shouted.
“You glared at Twilight before you started crying. And now you’re angry as fuck. I’ve seen my fair share of shitty actors, but wow, you really take the cake.”
“Of course I’m mad! Twilight Sparkle is trying to ruin what will be my special day! And so are you!”
“Okay Cadance… What did I bake for everyone on Hearth’s Warming?”
“I don't bucking know who you even are!”
Bob shrugged. “Fair enough… You’re not Cadance.”
“See? This pony isn’t Cadance and she is evil !” Twilight yelled. “I mean, she doesn’t even recognize Bob! She didn't recognise me!” The alicorn growled and her eyes flashed green.
“Twilight back the fuck up from that bitch!” Bob shouted. “That’s the look of a fucking predator!”
Twilight took her gaze off Bob before staring back up at ‘Cadance’. She immediately started backing away… until the alicorn bursted into green flames. As the fire consumed her, it slowly started dying away to reveal a black carapace underneath. The… thing’s eyes opened and revealed two snake-like, acid green eyes. She almost looked like a pony… almost. She had a terrifying set of fangs in her jaw. Her legs were riddled with holes, and her tail and mane matched the dragonfly-like wings on her back.
Her horn was crooked and jagged.
Whatever she was, she was terrifying. “You know, ape, I should've gone into your room and ripped your throat out last night. You just had to help little miss nosy to ruin my facade?”
“It’s… not my fault that you’re shitty at acting.” Bob said casually stepping on onto the aisle and getting in front of Twilight. “So, what happens now?”
The doors slammed open for the second time in that hour, revealing a large wolf, a timber wolf to be exact. It growled and ran in… it leaped clear over Bob and placed himself in between the bug pony and human. “Stop!” It growled.
“And just why are you away from your post, Azolf? You were meant to be stationed in Ponyville to gather info on it.” The big bug asked.
“...Balto, what the fuck is she talking about?”
“Bob, just be quiet and let me handle this…”
“No. Tell me what the fuck is going on? How the fuck did you get here? I thought you were still in Ponyville?” The wolf slowly turned back to Bob, and the human couldn’t help but flinch. Instead of the big, yellow eyes that were full of affection, were cold, almost lifeless blue eyes staring back at him. “Balto, what the actual fuck is wrong with your eyes?”
“Enough!” Celestia shouted. “Bob, I hate to tell you this, but your wolf is a changeling! I’ve seen them enough, they feast on emotions… whatever affection that thing showed you… is fake. And you,” the Princess snarled. “What have you done to my niece?” Her horn lit.
The Queen giggled. “She is perfectly safe, don't worry your pretty little flanks about her. Azolf, show your little friend what you are. Don’t worry, we’ll keep him alive after we take this city.”
Balto nodded solemnly before turning to face Bob. “So, I didn’t want you to find out about what I actually am, but…” The wolf was soon enveloped in that same green fire. “But I didn’t want to lose my friend and food source,” he said as the fire dispersed. What stood before the human was… a bug pony. It had big, blue eyes that looked a lot less lifeless when compared to the little blue dots in the wolf’s face. Those were all Bob focused on reading. “But this is who I am,” the human slowly approached the bug pony. “A Changeling.”
“You… you’re Balto?” Bob asked slowly as he approached.
“Bob, don’t touch that thing?”
“I… am. My actual name is Azolf, and… the Queen, and my mother,” the changeling nodded a head to the big bug behind him. “Is planning to take Canterlot… and it seems like it is too late to stop us.” The sound of glass shattering made everyone in the room flinch, save for the Queen, and Shining Armor who looked completely out of it. “And…” The human before him raised his hand. “Please don’t, if you hit me, it’ll be a lot harder to convince Mom to let you out of your cocoon.” The sound of small explosions rang through everyone’s ears as green blurs blasted towards the ground.
“You…” Bob looked up and down the changeling, and took a peek at the sides of the changeling. He could see ribs. “You look really bony. Was I not feeding you enough?”
“Well…” Azolf rubbed the back of his head. “I mainly feed on love; I’m still recovering from starvation when you left Ponyville, but you played a big part in keeping me full after we first met in the woods.” The changeling sighed. “Do you hate me for lying to you?”
Bob opened his mouth, but a flash of gold. “Look out!” Bob tackled and grabbed the changeling and the two of them rolled out the way. Where Azolf was standing was a scorch mark. Celestia was standing with her horn lit. Chrysalis snarled and flew to the other side of the room.
“Azolf, are you okay?” The Queen’s voice rang through the room… with genuine concern.
The human stared down at the changeling before him, and lent his hand. Once the bug pony got to his hooves, Bob turned to Celestia. “What the actual… fuck. Princess Celestia, I was having a conversation…” Bob knelt down and was eye level with who he thought was his wolf. “Are you alright?” If anyone was paying attention to Chrysalis, as their eyes were all on the human and weird pony-like creature in the center of the room, she was now watching with full intent. Azolf was clearly shaken by his near death experience. “C’mere, bud,” the human pulled the stunned changeling onto his lap and started rubbing the back of his head. “You’re still Balto in my eyes. Your eyes… They look different, but they’ve got that same look as the wolf that was pestering me to play with him last week. Minus the whole ‘terrified because I almost died’ bit.
“I wish you woulda told me before… all of this. Those explosions… Are those changelings crashing down and attacking people?” The changeling nodded, though he was still shivering, while trying to hide as much of himself away from Celestia as possible. The human flinched as the Queen finally had enough of watching what was going on, and had placed a hoof on his shoulder. “Uh… Please don’t kill me. I swear I’m just petting your child.”
“It has been a while since I’ve seen anything treat one of my children so nicely. I… am in debt to you for saving my son... You’re feeding him with actual love, without even knowing it, as well… I… Now I regret some of my actions towards you when I was disguised as Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. You are alright for something that hangs out with ponies.”
Queen Chrysalis was a mother first, Queen second. Seeing one of her children being treated so kindly had polished both of her blackened hearts.
“Can you call this invasion off and arrange some sort of peace treaty with Princess Celestia? As much as I hate a majority of ponies, I’m not a fan of genocide or taking down a country where I’m friends with one of the rulers.” Chrysalis paused at the request, before nodding.
“We will see if we can reach a peace agreement. Azolf,” the changeling looked up from behind the human. “I sent a message out through the hive mind. Once Mi Amore Cadenza is moved from her prison, go make sure she is well taken care of.” The Queen’s gaze landed on Celestia, becoming cold again. “If you lay a hoof on any of my children, my children will take the city and have your head on a pike by sundown. I’m only doing this because I’m in debt to the creature that saved one of my children. Now… let us negotiate.”
Celestia was at a loss for words, for once in her dynasty that has lasted for years, she was shocked at what one human could do.
Azolf nuzzled Bob before hopping out of his lap, and buzzed off, through the doors to retrieve Cadance.
Cadance was brought out of wherever she was being held captive, looking far worse for wear than anypony had ever seen her. Upon being tested, with a friendship dance with Twilight, everypony was at ease. Shining Armor was released from the Queen’s control, and everyone of importance was in a meeting room. Well, they were all waiting for Luna, who had not yet shown up. Even if ‘talks’ had started early. Celestia, Cadance, and Shining Armor were sitting on one side of the table whereas Chrysalis, Balto, or Azolf, were sitting on the other side. Bob was sitting with them as well.
Bob wasn’t on that side by choice.
The Elements of Harmony were also on standby, with their respective elements in case Chrysalis tried anything. The Queen was actually holding Azolf and checking for any other injuries, while occasionally glaring at Celestia. “You know, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,” the Queen said. “I didn't mean to specifically target you and ruin your wedding. I needed to feed my subjects, who all happen to be my children, and you just had to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. If you were not on that train leaving Ponyville, I wouldn’t have been able to capture you.”
“...That doesn’t make me feel any better!” Cadance shouted while holding Shining Armor. “Look at what you’ve done to my fiance!” The stallion was looking drowsy, and his movements were a lot slower, a common side effect of being forcefully fed upon by a changeling.
The Queen didn’t even cast a glance at the fatigued stallion. “I… Would apologize, as this is a quarrel between your aunt and myself that started nigh a millennium ago. However, you seem more emotionally driven than logically driven, you airhead, so please shut your mouth and allow the adults to talk.” Bob hissed at Chrysalis’s response… That was not good. In fact, that probably made things worse.
That makes seventeen things said, that Chrysalis had said, to piss off the Princess of Love. That was in the last half hour.
Cadance groaned and glared at Bob who wasn’t even paying attention. He was just staring at the door. “Bob!” The human jumped and quickly faced the Princess of Love, who wasn’t wearing such a lovely expression. “Why are you taking this bug’s side? She could’ve killed a lot of ponies, and would’ve killed me and Shiny!” Bob’s head hit the table before he sat right back up.
“Hey, I’m not taking her side. I’m not taking any sides. Balto, or Azol, was my pet wolf not even a week ago. If my time with him is any indicator, and how he talked to me when Chrysalis got exposed, he cares about me. It just happens that Chrysalis felt gratitude when I kept one of her children from being blasted with a sun beam. You think I'm not mad at what happened to Shiny? He had a hand in adopting me, and then he gets mind raped while his marefriend gets kidnapped! I'm not taking sides, Cadance!" Bob groaned. He dragged his hands down his face before making a gun signal to his head. This was how the initial negotiations had been going for the last hour. A back and forth between one of the ponies present, and a not so good response from the Queen.
The human sighed and looked at the Queen. “Where’s Luna? None of your drones hurt her, right?” Here’s hoping my question breaks this line of conversation, or I will jump off a bridge. Bob thought.
“...There’s a third alicorn?” The Queen tilted her head in thought. As if it were on queue, the door lit up with blue magic, and the Alicorn of the Night was glaring at one of the guards on the way in. Said guard was cowering at her feet just mere moments ago.
“You bumbling fools can’t even open a door for a lady because you find her a little scary? How the buck are you guarding the castle in any capacity, you imbe-” the Princess stopped in her tracks and chuckled. “Oh! Hello everypony. I can safely assume that I missed something, given that half of Canterlot is covered in debris-OOF!” Bob tackled and hugged her.
“Oh thank fucking god nobody hurt you!” Luna giggled as Bob hugged her neck tightly and quickly started checking her over.
“Bob, I assure you that I am fine. I was once known as Equestria’s Sword for a reason,” she giggled when Bob did one more look over, before he returned to his seat. Bob’s new seat was right in the middle of the table, where Celestia would’ve usually sat during a moment like this. However, Bob is the only neutral party in the room. “Sister, sit with us, away from that bug,” Princess Celestia coaxed. “After all, you must be shaken when a changeling crashed into your room.” Luna took a seat beside Bob, mainly to remain close to him.
“Actually, the changeling paused when it saw me and subsequently begged for mercy.” Luna shrugged. “None of the changelings even touched me, even if I will have to repair my window later. However…” The Moon Princess casted a dirty look at the Queen. “You foalnapped my niece in order to act out an attack on Canterlot… You’re lucky that I am nocturnal, so I couldn’t figure out who you were sooner.” She shrugged and sat with Bob. “Despite what has happened, I am simply going to watch this play out and draw a conclusion from what I see.” Bob watched as Luna’s eyes ran up and down The Changeling Queen… Bob snickered slightly, while covering his mouth.
Queen Chrysalis was giving Luna the same look, while making it seem like her focus was on Celestia.
“Now, Queen Chrysalis, why should I not eradicate your entire Hive?” Princess Celestia asked. Bob’s forehead hit the table again. This was the first question asked an hour ago.
“Because my children can act as excellent spies. In Ponyville alone, there are fourteen changelings, including Azolf who was sent specifically to watch the weird creature, which happened to be Bob, to watch him after Winter Wrap Up… And grew a bit too close to said creature.” The same, god damn answer. Bob looked at Luna.
“Please murder me.” The human whispered to the alicorn, who simply giggled in response.
“I cannot, I was hoping for a belly rub. You can’t give me one if you’re dead,” Luna whispered back,
“God dammit… you’re lucky that I like rubbing moon-raising-blue-alicorn bellies, or I would argue for my death.” The two quickly started ignoring the rest of the meeting as they whispered like children to each other.
“Mom, he was feeding me so much love, and talked so much about spending as much time as he could with me while I was disguised.” The changeling bowed to Bob. “He pretty much always wanted me nearby, and I regret not spending more time with you. Because now I won’t be able to see you again.” Bob gave a smile to that, and would’ve patted the changeling on the head if he were in reach. Luna quickly grabbed his attention again, though.
Queen Chrysalis gave him a very saddened motherly look, before looking back up at Princess Celestia with a more stern expression.
“As I said, fourteen changelings in Ponyville, there were sixteen in just the Lunar Guard, and a little under one hundred in the Solar Guard. There’s four hundred more that were spying on Canterlot even with the shield, and I was passable as Princess Cadance for long enough that not even you would’ve known who I was. My changelings are also very skilled in a wide arrange of fields in order to help them blend in. What takes a construction crew a month to do, my children can do in a week if they procrastinate. If Bob wishes, I can have a house built for him by tomorrow, and it would have all the necessary utilities he could ever need.”
Celestia hummed. “And why, just why should I trust that none of your changelings will capture any of my ponies?”
“We can feed on ambient emotions, and sometimes on actual pony food. I tried taking Canterlot because I specifically need love for my eggs. Egg laying season is around the corner and I need love to not only feed my changelings easier, but to feed the hundreds of nymphs that will be born this spring. Love is more nutritious, and keeps my nymphs alive better than any other emotion that I have fed on. Can you fault a mother for trying everything in her power to watch her entire clutch of eggs to hatch and grow to adulthood?”
Luna raised a hoof, putting her head back into the meeting. It made Bob blink again, and he looked around the room before his eyes fell on Chrysalis. “I do not. However, why did you not ask? My sister would’ve been more than willing to aid you.”
“Not nine hundred years ago. She casted me out and tried to have my head when I came back four hundred years ago and asked for aid again. And the second time was because my Hive was on the brink of dying out. So why try a third time and possibly get killed for it, again?” Chrysalis asked. “This was the only way, and I would like to formally apologize to Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and her mate for the pain I caused them; I do not particular regret hurting them as ponies have done far worse to my own children in the pass, but I didn’t really have to make them victims.”
Bob face palmed. One step forward and four steps back.
Azolf squeezed out of the Queen’s clutches, and waddled over to Bob. The changeling rested his head on the human’s shoulder, and the human finally got another look over the changeling. “Hey, Queen Chrysalis, if you wouldn’t mind, can I look you over? I may end up touching you hear and there, but-”
“Just do not touch me anywhere I consider private. Like my rear end,” the Queen said with a mischievous smirk.
“Okay, that is just odd,” Twilight said. “One moment, you are almost evil and cruel sounding, to being somewhat nice to Bob. To the point that you’re joking with him!”
“Well, of course. Bob has done nothing to me, and I have treated him rather poorly. I am trying to be civil with Cadenza, but she refuses to be civil in return, and Celestia threatened my Hive with possible genocide. I don’t even think Shining Armor has the energy to talk back to me either…” She stopped when Bob was suddenly rubbing a hand on her chest.
“Jesus christ woman,” Bob said. “Are all of you changelings starving like this? I can see every individual rib in you!”
“...Yes. Our legs are also an indicator of how much a changeling is starving. If there are holes in a changeling’s legs, they are starving. A lot of holes mean that a changeling hasn’t eaten anything in months. Most of my children have holes in their legs. Which is why I went out of my way to get love. It is the most efficient way of feeding a Hive, while providing the most nutrients needed for growth… And the areas around most hives are terrible for farming physical food, even if we’re desperate enough to need organic food such as oranges.” Bob finally placed a hand on her neck. “What are you doing, human?”
“You look stressed out. I see a few knots in your neck. Last time, anyone I knew had knots that bad, was when my Dad had to work two jobs to keep us afloat… he got fired from one of those jobs and we were really struggling until my brothers started picking up work to help out.” Bob patted her neck a few times. “Your whole ‘my country that happens to be my entire family tree is starving’ thing really stressed you out, didn’t it?”
“It… It really is. I know my children are starving, and there is not much that I can do beyond trying to steal love from a place that I know is full of it.”
“...Jesus… Your situation was like my Dad’s, but a hundred times worse…” The human looked Celestia in the eyes. “Please come up with a solution for this lady’s problems. Please. Don’t just threaten her with genocide, or whatever childish shit Cadance is doing. While Chrysalis definitely fucked up, her kids don’t deserve to die because of her mistakes. Look at Azolf,” the changeling was now massaging Luna’s wings. “Give’em a chance. They’ll be good to you.”
“The negotiations will properly start after the wedding,” Celestia said. “We will hopefully solve our problems peacefully.” Azolf had turned his hooves into hands and was scratching Luna’s neck now. After a moment of thought, the changeling broke away from the now drowsy Princess, and started massaging his mother.
“Mom, you could’ve asked around. Us scouts could’ve started sending more love back home,” the changeling said.
“I know dear, but you scouts barely have enough for yourselves most of the time.” The queen whispered. She then glared at Bob. “Why are you listening to us?”
“Watching you go into full mother mode is adorable. Once you aren’t snarling at me, you’re pretty adorable yourself, your highness. You have no idea how much willpower it’s taking for me to not boop you on the nose.” The Queen giggled before nuzzling Bob.
“Well, I cannot stay mad at you. Once this is over, I am sending Azolf to… keep watch over you. Treat him well, or the bedbugs will bite.” Bob nodded and went back to Luna. Everyone else had gotten up to leave, but Luna was a little drowsy… So Bob picked her up and started to carry her, with a lot of struggle, out of the room. Nobody noticed Princess Celestia taking a ring out of a special box, before following Queen Chrysalis or the guard that was assigned to escort her.
The next day was spent entirely on wedding preparations. Now that Cadance was actually back, Bob was practicing the song he had written for the wedding reception… and then he remembered a song that could be used for a slow dance should Shining Armor and Cadance want it. After a bunch of healing spells, the elder unicorn was back to normal, and of course, Cadance was checking on how all the wedding planning was going. “Howdy,” Bob waved at the alicorn while she saw how Fluttershy’s choir of birds were doing after they sang the wedding song.
Once the Princess was done, she sat next to Bob as he was reading over some lyrics in his notebook. “What are you writing?”
“I was writing some notes on how I should sing the songs I wanna sing at your reception. I know Pinkie also has hired DJ Pon3 to play some tracks, but she also agreed to have her play in the last hour of the reception.” Bob hummed. “Wanna hear two of the main songs? One’s a slow dance type of song, and the other is a bit more of a rock song.” Cadance nodded. Bob grabbed his guitar and started playing Write Me Your Heart. That really made the alicorn squeal as Bob purposely didn’t sing at his best.
“Oh, that is perfect for the reception! What’re you planning on having me and Shiny slow dance to?”
Bob sat down at the Piano. “Something about snow .” The human played the song at his fullest, and took a deep breath when he was done. “The song only works when I have a duo singing with me, but Luna said she’d help me with that… But she’s knocked the fuck out right now, because somebody had to give her a wing massage.” Bob sighed and reclined back. “I am so boned. After the reception, I gotta stay in Canterlot to help with negotiations for some reason.”
“Because you decided to side with those bugs?” The pink alicorn asked.
“I’m not siding with what they did to Canterlot, or what Chrysalis did to you. Hell, I’m a wee bit pissed at Chrysalis, but I have no loyalty to any ponies; they only almost killed me several times a month for a year straight. I don’t have loyalty towards changelings. The ponies that I like happened to have shown me kindness, that I returned that kindness tenfold, and the changelings that I like, all of one, showed me kindness and love when I was feeling down, even if it was a front at first. Balto snuck into my room last night to cuddle with me like he did when he was pretending to be a wolf. It was a bit weird to have a cold carapace laying across your bare chest, but he clearly still wants to be my friend, and I wanna get to know… Well, my changeling for what he is.
“And yeah, I wanna punch Chrysalis for hurting you, for what she did to Shining Armor. I want to, but I’m not going to. For one, she will gut Canterlot if we hurt her changelings, and her changelings will gut Canterlot if I strike her. Also, changelings are pretty useful if Chrysalis trying to be you, and getting away with it for months, is any indicator.”
“I know changelings can be useful, I know she had a pretty good reason to do what she did, but she could’ve asked again! She didn’t have to hurt anypony to get provisions for her subjects!”
“...After nearly getting her head chopped off because she asked the last two times? I started stealing food because I couldn’t ask for it nicely the first time, Cadance. Chrysalis tried twice and got bit twice because of it.”
“...Good point. Is Balto, er, Azolf really that nice? To the point that you tackled him out of the way of one of Auntie Celestia’s spells?”
“While he was pretending to be my pet, he was a total sweetheart. Wanted to do nothing but play, cuddle, and nap with me.” Cadance sighed. “As I said at the meeting, give changelings a chance. They deserve to live just as much as the rest of us do, even if they live, primarily, on love.”
“I can’t argue with you on that. Just don’t expect me to happily chat with Chrysalis over tea in the near future. I will try to be nice to her subjects, however.”
“And I can’t blame you for not ever being friends with Chrysalis… I gotta meet her after you leave, so I’ll let you know if she can actually be a decent… bug pony.” Cadance nodded.
About an hour later, since none of the guards would give him directions, the human found that Chrysalis’s room was actually right in front of his. Azolf was standing, wearing a guard helmet that he definitely stole, and was holding a spear in front of Bob’s door. It looked kinda cute because the helmet was too big for the bug. When asked, the changeling pointed him right across the door. “Thank you, bud. Hey, when I’m done meeting your Queen, wanna come into my room so we can get to know each other again?”
“Yessir. I would like to know how a human is in bed.” Bob didn’t know how blue, pupiless eyes, could work with a shit eating grin, but he didn’t question it.
“...I’m sixteen.”
Azolf recoiled slightly. “...Nevermind… Wait, you’re younger than I am?”
“How fucking old are you?” Bob asked, pointing an accusatory finger at the changeling.
“I’m twenty five!”
“You’re older than Twilight!” The changeling and the human blinked, before Bob chuckled and scratched the changeling’s chin. “Well, I’ll be talking to Queen Chrysalis. Don’t do anything illegal… other than stealing a guard’s uniform and sitting there while looking criminally cute.” And… Now Azolf was blushing and trying to hide under his helmet. The human giggled to himself before walking into Chrysalis’s room after getting permission from the big bug herself. The Queen was sitting at a desk, reading a Daring Do book.
“Great, my legendary ‘hero’ of the day…” Chrysalis snarked. “I don’t suppose you have a cape and a mask lying around to hide your identity?”
“Well, ain’t that a nice way of greeting me.” Bob chuckled. “Given that you’re basically a bird trapped in a gilded cage, I can’t say I blame you.”
“I’m going to have to give up so much just for Princess Celestia to attempt to find a way to keep my changelings fed. While I am grateful for you saving one of my changelings, and many more that would’ve died in the invasion, I still do not enjoy being trapped here until the terms and conditions for a treaty get thrown around, then we draft a treaty, then we sign off on a finalized version of that treaty… that could take months . And I’m not exactly in shape to counter argue, because a ring was stuck on my horn as soon as I was given this room.” She tapped her horn. “I can’t even use magic because of this thing. Princess Celestia slipped it on me after hitting me with a sedation spell.”
“...The fuck were you going to do, anyways? You just agreed to discussing a peace treaty. Trust comes first…” The human hummed. “Actually, this is Princess Celestia we’re talking about. She can’t even trust something as magically uninclined as I am with baking a cake for her sister. So I’m not exactly shocked there.” Bob leaned back. “I’d offer to take that ring off you, but I don’t think you can’t blame me for not trusting you.”
“And just why is that?” Chrysalis asked.
“...You kidnapped Cadance and proceeded to deceive everyone for months, and is also the leader of a race that gets by on deception?” The human asked. The Queen raised an eyebrow. “What? You guys can transform into whatever the fuck you want, apparently, so you had to of needed the ability to at some point.”
“...I’m just surprised at how perceptive you are. You’re sixteen?” Bob nodded. “To be able to figure that out so quickly… And you have no qualms in being nice to anypony.” Chrysalis was hoping to use that, even if she had to genuinely make a friend in order to do so. The very thought of the sappy, pony concept of ‘friendship’ made her inwardly cringe.
“Hey, if I’m shown kindness, I return it. Azolf was trying to make my sentence, if you went ahead and captured me, light. So I saved him from getting blasted to bits. I still wanna talk to him and get to know him all over again, since he was my pet wolf literally not even seven days ago. I just haven’t gotten the chance.” The human reclined a bit. “I still gotta meet up with Luna and practice a song I plan on singing during the reception; she’s going to help me with it after all.”
“...I would not mind hearing you sing again.” The Queen lied.
“You said I sounded like shit when you last heard me play.”
“...You give off so much happiness while performing. It almost rivals the pink pony, with how raw and pure your happiness you give off while singing.”
“Yet I sound terrible to you.”
“I said your choice of song was cheesy. Not that it was bad.” Unfortunately for the Queen, her facade was quickly seen through by Bob.
“That’s a lie.”
“...You are much harder to lie to than ponies. I was trying to be nice and hopefully get you to open up. It would be better for me to make friends with you, rather than keep you at a distance. Especially in this situation.” Chrysalis cringed, for a fleeting moment, at the thought of friendship.
“That’s cool. However, my loyalty lies nowhere. I am, or was, friends with the same thing that was my pet a few weeks ago. I have no loyalty to Equestria, despite how close I am to Luna. I am simply loyal to my friends, and that’s it.” The Queen nodded. “I’m not opposed to being your friend, but you’re gonna have to do a lot, and I mean a lot, for me to trust you. My trust is already a wee bit thin in anything with a pulse due to my history in Equestria, and you kidnapping Cadance and mind controlling my adoptive, older brother still ain’t doing you favors. No matter how much I can empathize with your situation.” The human got off of his cushion. “Anywho, I’ll see you around, probably the day after tomorrow; I have a wedding and a reception to attend. See ya Chrysalis.”
“That is Queen Chrysalis to you, human.”
“I’m offering you an in; I’m trying to be friendly if I’m not using honorifics. I fucking hate Princess Celestia, so I still call her Princess, her Majesty, or whatever the fuck else that bitch goes by.”
“...Then you may call me Chrysalis. Do try to use ‘Queen Chrysalis’ if you are speaking to me in public, however. I will be lax with your usage of titles around me in private.”
“Cool, we drew a line, and I won’t overstep. If we do become good friends, expect me to call you by a nickname in public. I call Luna ‘Lulu’ or ‘Moonie’ in letters, and I gotta keep it to a minimum with the second one because it makes her blush a little. I think one of her lovers called her Moonie in the past…” The human hummed. “Well, have fun doing… whatever you were doing.” Bob walked to the door.
“Bob,” the Queen said calmly. “It was nice to speak with you, even if I was… a bit snippy at the beginning of our chat.” She bowed slightly and the human gave her a thumb’s up before finally leaving the room. When we walked out, Cadance was doting the hell out of Azolf, whose helmet was now covering his eyes, leaving just his snout poking out from under it.
“Oh my bucking Aunt’s Name, you look so cute! Shiny, you have to let this changeling keep the uniform!”
“...You were just ranting about how you didn’t like changelings, Cady,” Shining Armor shook his head. He was in much better shape after being hit with a rejuvenation spell a few times in the morning.
“I don’t hate changelings, Shiny, just Queen Chrysalis. I can see why you think Azolf is cute now, Bob,” the alicorn giggled as the changeling was trying to bury more and more of his face in the helmet. The human laughed and patted the poor bug’s back.
“Don’t worry bud, I’ll protect you from Cadance’s babying; you’re very cute, and humans like very cute creatures.”
“Bob, that doesn’t bucking help!” The changeling squealed. “Hide me in your room! I need to get away from this mare before she overloads me with affection!” The human shook his head, plopped the changeling up and cradled him. That only made Cadance squeal even more as the human brought the changeling into his room and closed the door.
Author's Note
Next chapter is the wedding.
I want to try and keep Chrysalis as almost apathetic to anything not a changeling. I also want her to be pretty snarky to Bob after getting the ring on her horn, as she felt like she walked into a trap. For now, she is merely an acquaintance of Bob until she can fully gain his trust.
The Wedding and the Reception
Bob looked himself over in the mirror, making sure his bowtie was on tight, and making sure there weren’t any wrinkles present in the suit. “You know,” the human sighed. “I hate wearing these things,” he sighed as he spun around. “Whaddya think, Azolf?” The changeling was laying on Bob’s bed, having spent the night in the human’s room… to cuddle with his preferred food source and friend.
“You look handsome, sir.” Azolf nodded. “I’m sure a filly or colt would love to take you on the dance floor,” Bob grimaced. “Is something wrong with that? I thought that you would love to have a ‘special somepony’. Everypony in Ponyville that had one, could not stop gushing over how much they loved said special somepony, and they looked so happy…”
“I would love to have a girlfriend. The problem is getting over the fact that I’m not ever going to see a human woman ever again, then I have to accept the fact that I’m dating a pony that’s sentient, and not some stupid farm animal that likes to roll around in its own shit. Then I’d have to find somebody who’d be willing to date all of this,” Bob gestured to all of himself. “And deal with the mental baggage that comes with it.”
“I would be honored, if you were of age, if you chose me as a mate, Bob,” the changeling shrugged. “I know you’re a teenager and your self image isn’t very good, but you’re not a bad human. You’re far from terrible, you’re pretty nice and as far from cruel as you can get. I mean… Your first concern during the meeting wasn’t the meeting, you just wanted to make sure your friends were okay. You gave me another chance despite how I deceived you for months!”
“That’s because everyone deserves a chance, bud,” Bob sat down next to the changeling and wrapped an arm around him. “You had your chance as Balto, but now you want your chance as Azolf to prove that you’re still my friend. So far, I’m liking what I’m seeing; you really were not acting when you were Balto, were ya?”
“No sir, after the first few weeks, I let my guard down and acted as I normally do, but I just didn’t talk. Would you like me to just go back to that stupid, little wolf pup?”
“No.” Bob said seriously. “One of my best friends is a shapeshifting bug pony, and you want me to hide you? Hell nah, you’re my best friend, you’re going to be around me as you , not what you’re pretending to be.” The human patted the changeling a few times. “You still like jaw scratches? I got an hour before I have to actually show up at the wedding, and I don’t think I’m going to get a lot of nice looks given that I actively sided with ‘one of the bad guys’ and all.. So I’m not exactly… looking forward to showing up.”
“...A jaw scratch would be nice…” the changeling relaxed as Bob caressed his lower jaw. “A little harder, please?”
“Ah, you’re doing the leg kicky thing that you did when you were pretending to be a canine!” Bob giggled. “Holy fuck, that is cute. Stop.”
“I can’t help it sir, it just feels so good…” Bob shook his head and kept on going until he had to go to show up to the wedding. The human picked up the now sleeping changeling, carried him across the hall, and deposited him in Chrysalis’s room, before heading down the hall towards the throne room, where the wedding was taking place.
Upon reaching the wedding room, Bob quickly worked his way around the outskirts into his place with the rest of the orchestra. He picked up the cello that he was supposed to play, and got ready for the moment. As he expected, a few ponies were glaring at him, namely Twilight Velvet and Night Light. The human took a deep breath; those two better not start hating him for what he did at the wedding. Bob shrugged; if they were going to hate him, then who was he to complain?
Bob steeled himself, and began playing as soon as the wedding had started. Twilight was looking rather pretty, in her dress, right next to Shining Armor who just looked like a badass in his suit.
Knowing how important of a moment this was, Bob did his damn best with the cello, even if it was mediocre by comparison to the other cello players in the band. “Fillies and Gentlecolts,” Princess Celestia said with a serene little smile. “We are here today to celebrate the union between Princess Mi Amore-”
“Princess Cadance is fine,” Cadance corrected.
“Princess Cadance and Shining Armor.” Spike presented the rings. “I now pronounce you… Mare and colt!” Bob gently set the rental cello on the ground.
“Woo!” Bob joined in the cheering as the, now, married couple walked out on the balcony. The human stepped down from where the orchestra was playing, and ran towards the aisle. Meanwhile, Celestia was telling Twilight how this was all because of her . The human shrugged; the day’s saved, Cadance and Shining are married, he just doesn’t care. He crossed his arms, leaned back, and simply chuckled while the two lovebirds got a little extra cuddlier than usual.
The human sighed when he managed to hear two sets of hooves approach him from behind. “Bob,” it was Twilight’s parents. The human spun around.
“Wassup?”
“We want to speak with you after the reception, alright?” Night Light asked.
“So you can yell at me for choosing a bug’s side over your son and daughter in law?” Bob asked.
“...Something like that,” Twilight Velvet admitted. “We just want to know why… For now, let’s all enjoy the wedding.”
During the reception, Luna had finally showed up, and took her spot besides Bob at the piano. Just before them is a microphone. “You sure you didn’t need practice before helping me sing a song you’ve never heard of?”
“I am sure, Bob. Give me a lyric sheet and I can follow along rather easily.” Luna hummed. “Or do you doubt my own musical prowess?”
“I don’t; you’re a better singer than I am. We got one song for Shining and Cadance to slow dance to, and I think I can skip the rock song I wanted to play since Pinkie seems to be jittering over at her spot over there.” Luna giggled as the pink mare was, in fact, violently jittering in place. Bob placed his hands on the piano and began playing. The human and Princess soon found themselves losing themselves in the song. Bob was just happy to get Luna to sing again, and Luna was just happy to spend time with her favorite, bipedal ape.
The two of them felt true joy for the brief moment of the song. By the end of it, Luna was nuzzling Bob while Pinkie ran off to begin the main event of the reception, which actually happened to be a song that Twilight herself was singing. The human and the Princess happily sat and swayed side to side on the piano bench as they watched everyone else enjoy the party.
“C’mon Bob,” the Lunar Princess whispered. “Let’s dance!”
“...Lulu, I can’t dance for shit.”
“I do not care, you and I are going to dance. Tonight's a night for celebration! And I choose to celebrate tonight with you!” Bob shook his head… Only for Luna to give him puppy eyes; the human found himself agreeing to the Princess’s pleas pretty quickly after that.
“So, how is this going to work? I don’t… know how I’m gonna dance with somebody with four legs.”
“This is how,” Luna got up on her hindlegs, using Bob to prop herself up. “Take one step back,” Bob did, as Luna took a step forward. She then took a step back and Bob stepped forward to follow suit. The two of them swayed across the dance floor soon afterwards. Cadance and Shining Armor were still the main event of the dance, as the human and pony duo didn’t want to ruin their reception, but the two of them danced and danced well. Occasionally Luna would break off from Bob and do a few solo moves, which to Bob, looked absolutely graceful despite Luna dancing on her hindlegs.
Bob quickly broke into a moonwalk back into Luna’s embrace and the two kept on dancing.
Unbeknownst to either Bob or Luna, Rarity was sitting with the rest of the girls, besides Pinkie who was laying on the floor and eating an entire cake, and Twilight who was still singing. She clapped her hooves. “Oh, if only Bob wasn’t so young!”
“Whooee,” Apple Jack chuckled. “Bob sure could get some better hoofwork, though.” On queue, Bob slipped and Luna tripped over him. The alicorn quickly landed on all four of her hooves, while Bob dropped on his right hand and spun on it. Bob slowly lowered his head to the ground and kept on spinning… and then he fell over with a loud grunt. “He just ruined the suit you made him, Rarity.” AJ pointed out.
“He WHAT!?”
Bob sat up while rubbing his back, there was a bunch of dirt on the back of his suit.
“I still do not understand how that human got so close with Luna so quickly,” Princess Celestia said behind the rest of the Elements of Harmony.
“Whaddya mean, your highness?”
“Just… Those two are up to something. I doubt it was just by random chance that Luna found Bob in our old home when Bob was at his worst.” Celestia said as she watched Luna use her hooves to feel up and down Bob’s back to see if he had broken anything. “Now all my sister can ever talk about is how she looks forward to seeing that human again, or planning out what to do whenever she gets the opportunity to meet him one on one.”
“I’m not one to question you, your highness, but I think you’re overthinking this,” Apple Jack shrugged. “All I can see is Bob actually having… fun without needing to play a silly song.” Bob had long since dragged Luna off to the side and had managed to get ahold of a tambourine that he was using to sing a silly little song to the Princess.
“And Bob isn’t one for planning anything out, Princess,” Rarity added. “I’m willing to bet that that colt only sees an opportunity to be with his favorite Princess.” Soon, Bob and Luna were just cuddling while sitting next to a wall on the outskirts of the party. “And if Bob was of age, I’m sure those two would be such a cute couple! Shouldn’t you be happy? Your little sister is as happy as can be. If Sweetie Belle had found herself a coltfriend, like she might’ve just done with Spike, and I could trust that colt to keep her happy, then I would be all for the two of them spending time together.”
“...But your little sister never started a revolutionary war, has she?” Celestia asked. “For all I know, Bob is a puzzle piece in one of Luna’s schemes, or Luna is being used by Bob. It never hurts to be too wary.”
“Um…” Fluttershy spoke up. “You being wary made Bob hate you. Then Luna got mad at you for hurting Bob's feelings. I think she’s still mad at you. Though I do think being wary is a good thing if you think it’s a good thing…”
“What for? Why would Luna be upset? She has a castle, full of servants that are willing to serve-”
“What are you talking about sister?” Luna asked. She walked up with a sleepy Bob on her back. “If you were wondering why I am still mad at you, then perhaps look at our servants, who are all too willing to run away from me. The same servants that you do not reprimand for yelling ‘Nightmare Moon’ the very moment I leave my private chambers.” Bob sleepily slurred something incoherent. “I know Bob, you wanted to get a cup of punch, but I am certain Pinkie Pie spiked it.”
“Blah, the humors of whisky,” Bob grumbled as he let out a very audible sniff. “Did you know that you smell like Luna?”
“...Luna, what did you do to Bob?” Rarity asked.
“He woke up at four thirty in the morning so he could practice the song that we sang together some more. My poor baby is learning his lesson.” Bob slid off of Luna’s back before standing up like he wasn’t nearly drooling on the Princess of the Night.
“Actually, I wanted to give Rarity and Apple Jack ‘tickets’ to a concert. After singing that song together, me and Luna spent a lot of time sitting next to that wall…” The human hummed. “And I came up with a plan to fix up Luna’s image… By making a band with her. We already brainstormed a few ideas over there. I also just wanted to be carried, so Luna hit me with a very, very, very weak sedation spell and carried me over here.”
“Wait, you want to take my sister from her duties to make a silly little band?” Celestia asked.
“Yeah. Luna already has to divert so much time away from her duties to prep a bath for herself, or to make food. Like you give her anything to work on to begin with,” Bob waved a dismissitary hand. “Plus it’ll be a one time thing, unless Luna enjoys it.”
“I probably will. Being seen as a popular artist instead of a demonic entity would be a nice change of pace…” Luna hummed as she looked like she was strongly considering choosing a new path in her life.
“What… is a demonic entity?” Celestia asked.
“A term Bob uses a bunch to describe how ponies saw me before, and after my banishment, my loving sister. It means everypony thinks I’m evil.” The sound of a chariot riding off into the night could be heard. “It seems as though the reception is over…” Luna nuzzled Bob. “I want a cuddle buddy tonight. Can you be of assistance?”
“Can Azolf come along? Changelings are weirdly amazing for cuddling.”
“Of course! The snuggles will be tripled with Azolf’s presence… if you can get him to massage my wings again, I will happily welcome him to thy royal snuggle time!” Bob hopped back on Luna’s back and she flew off out of a window after breaking it.
Celestia’s wings rustled. If anyone had a particularly strong sense of smell, they could smell gold melting.
Author's Note
I know I got this out a little quickly, but i wanted to use it to set some things up.
namely the future Bob and Luna will share.
and the relationship Bob has with the Twilight Family.
A few weeks had passed since the Canterlot Wedding. Twilight and her friends got to go home while Bob had to stay behind in Canterlot just to help out with the negotiations between Queen Chrysalis, and Princess Celestia.
Even if Bob didn’t even pay attention to said meetings; they were boring.
Cadance and Shining Armor were sent on a very extended honeymoon. Everyday that Bob spent in the Canterlot Castle, he ended up sneaking into Luna’s bed chambers to snuggle with her at night and talk about some ideas for their upcoming concert. They agreed to try and debut their band at the end of the concert Bob had already planned on doing with Octavia. So far they came up with a song they had drafted called ‘Nightmare Night’ and had stolen fifteen bags of popcorn from the royal kitchens.
Despite being asked to have a chat with them, Night Light and Twilight Velvet haven’t stopped by to have a chat with Bob.
Right now, however, Queen Chrysalis had left her room and had gone right across the hall… to Bob sitting with a notebook. Azolf was laying under the bed, with his head poking out. The two of them were playing a friendly game of chess. Both had opened up with a simple pawn moving forward, with Bob’s pawn starting out on his king, whereas Chrysalis had moved the pawn in front of her left bishop. “So,” Bob said. “How are the negotiations going? Because I’ll be real with you, Chrysalis, I wasn’t paying attention to half of them.”
“They are… going well. Though it just seems like all the terms are things that my Hive will have to do for Equestria just for a chance at a stable food source. Of course, I will choose a stable food source at any cost, but Princess Celestia has yet to even present anything that will keep my children fed. I like thinking ahead. If what I think is happening looks bleak, then I will not choose to sign the treaty.” Bob moved his queen, which had a pony equivalent that Bob couldn’t be bothered with remembering, and moved it.
“You also need to counter argue, y’know. It’s a wee bit hard, given that you’re basically getting your arm twisted into agreeing, but remember, your changelings could probably bring Canterlot to its knees and kill everyone if you want them to.” Bob shrugged. “I dunno though… checkmate, by the way.” Chrysalis narrowed her eyes at the board before glaring at the human. Not too long after she giggled.
“Oh, it has been so long since I’ve been checkmated in three turns… though it’s been so long since I’ve even seen a chess board. I suppose I should also think about now rather than later.”
“I say just sign now, have changelings gather ambient love, but hound Celestia into finding a stable food source ready. If she doesn’t get a stable food source ready quickly enough, then say the treaty is null, and threaten to burn down Manehattan or something; that’ll make her speed up her research. She may be bending your arm, but she has no clue where your Hive is, and you don’t have to tell her where any Hives are. She may be bending your arm now , but you can bend hers even harder later.”
“Are you certain you are sixteen?” Chrysalis asked.
“Yeah. Listen, humans have had this song and dance before, and while Highschool makes history boring as hell, I do find history to be intriguing… it’s a shame that schools in Equestria don’t go super in-depth with history, or I’d have a reason to keep going to school here… Anyways, small tangent aside, I can give you suggestions, but I don’t have the technical know-how to make said calls. If you think what I said is a good idea, go for it. Just don’t burn Ponyville when you go to twist Celestia’s arms; I kinda live there and I don’t want to watch my home burn down.”
Chrysalis giggled. “I will not hurt you, Bob, do not worry. Don’t be surprised if I kidnap Twilight so the Elements of Harmony cannot be used on me.”
“Just don’t murder her, she’s my snuggle buddy on the weekends.”
“...I will consider it. I’m still mad at you, by the way.” Chrysalis pointed at the chess board. “Three bucking turns, and you checkmated me. You are lucky that my son is in the room, or I would be cursing like a sailor.” The next seventeen games of chess were spent with Bob severely losing every game. Aside from the initial slip up, Chrysalis read the board like a hawk while holding a light conversation with Bob.
It got so bad that, even with Azolf’s help, Bob still lost by a significant margin.
The weeks following this little meeting were a blur to Bob. All he could remember was that a treaty was actually signed. Twilight and her friends were called in to do something for Celestia, and immediately shipped off to somewhere called the Crystal Empire. Cadance and Shining Armor had returned from their honeymoon and shipped to the Crystal Empire about a week before that. Meanwhile, Bob and Luna, had at least six or seven songs planned out for their band’s debut in the Canterlot Mane Street Theater that Octavia was going to be present for.
Now, Bob was sitting across from Celestia, after she hard barged into his room, having tea. Well, Bob wasn’t sipping any of the tea that the alicorn was giving him. Through Luna, alicorns have very strong immune systems and have a better tolerance for poisons than regular ponies, which were already more tolerant to poison than Bob was. So he just sat and watched as the alicorn sipped on some goldenrod tea, or something stupid like that.
“Why did you need to talk to me?” Bob asked, putting his still full cup down.
“I was just having a chat about how you and Luna are getting along… I watched the two of you dance at Cadance’s wedding reception, and saw how you two looked in each other’s eyes while singing that song about snow. With how close you two are… It makes me feel left behind.”
“...You accused me of trying to poison several ponies, and would have thrown me in the dungeon if Rainbow Dash didn’t get up and immediately asked for more fruit cake. You don’t trust me, so why should I trust you? Just ignoring everything that Luna’s going through, that you do nothing about that makes me hate you more, how much trust have you given me? The last nice interaction we had was when you draped a wing over my back during Nightmare Night, and you were trying to make sure I wasn’t actually touching your side.”
“I do trust you now, Bob. Just open up and tell me what you and Luna are doing.”
“...Writing songs? Luna’s great at that, by the way. We have this song called Paint the Moon Red, which is actually going to be the star song on the album that’ll be released after our concert. You wanted to lock me in Canterlot Castle for no fucking reason, so I’m making the most of it, and trying to see if turning Luna into a musician will change how your ponies perceive her. Out of anyone, that mare deserves more than what life’s giving her. What is she getting? Sitting in a room, doing basically fuck all because she can’t do anything outside of said room without starting a stampede, eating ramen and reading a bunch of documents full of worthless shit.
“If Luna likes performing, hey, she and I have something else we can do together and love doing. So far, she loved helping me perform during the reception, and I love hearing her sing. It’ll be a win-win for the two of us; Luna will get accepted, I can hear her sing, we split the profits and party at midnight.”
“Oh…” Celestia sighed. “Is that really all you two are planning?”
“Well, yeah. Aside from sleepovers, or seeing if I can buy a house so I stop being a burden on Twilight. If Luna wants to quit dealing with this shit, I’m gonna try and get a house big enough for two. Hell, yesterday, Chrysalis offered to build me a house for free, for helping her out during these last few weeks. So she’s doing a good job at earning brownie points from me.” The door opened and Chrysalis walked in wearing a chef hat that Bob found to actually be really cute on her, and an apron. She had her eyes closed and suspended in her magic was a dish with brownies in it. She stopped and opened her eyes upon sniffing the air.
“Princess Celestia, please stop harassing my ambassador. I can sense his animosity towards you, and it is almost sickening just how much he hates you. With how willing Bob was to sit with me and play board games, and not even flinch when I snarl at him for beating me in a stupid way, I think you would have to do a lot to make him angry.” Celestia slowly turned to Bob.
“Ambassador?” She asked.
“Chrysalis, why did you call me that?”
“To ‘take the piss’ out of Princess Celestia. That is how you use that phrase, correct?”
“...You know, hearing you ask that with the head tilt…” Bob chuckled. “Fuck, I thought you were terrifying when I first met you. Anywho, Princess Celestia, fuck off.” The Princess huffed before walking out the human’s room. “So Chrysalis,” Bob turned his focus onto the Queen. “Why did you walk in here with brownies?”
“I am a mother, Bob. I know a thing or two about baking treats for my changelings whenever I get the chance… granted I can’t do it for every changeling at a time, but sometimes I would like to hold a week long event where I bake as many treats a day, and give them out to my subjects. Rinse and repeat. You are definitely a child, you helped me and my children get a chance at a stable future, and this is my thank you gift…” She offered the human the dish. To the human’s surprise… The brownie was pre-sliced and was actually pretty big.
The human’s eyes widened when the brownie ended up being incredibly good. “I take it that you enjoyed it?”
“This is the best fucking brownie I’ve ever had… and my brother worked for a bakery; I always had really good brownies on standby. And these are better.”
“Good, because I put bleach in them.”
“WHAT!?” Bob shouted. “What the fuck did you say you put in them?”
“Bob, do you think I would try to poison you? I am trying to be your friend, not murder you. If I wanted to murder you, I don’t need to poison you. Secondly, Azolf would yell at me for hurting you in any way, shape, or form.” The Queen giggled. “Oh, the look on your face! But no, there’s only normal ingredients in these brownies, I just cooked them in a specific way to make the insides nice and melty…”
“Ah, so this is like a lava cake…”
“What… is that?” Chrysalis asked.
“Basically a brownie with a melty, chocolaty inside. Those are awesome.”
Chrysalis nodded before taking the dish from Bob and setting it on the nightstand. She then promptly picked the human up, by taking the back of his shirt in her mouth, somehow without tearing it, and carried Bob over to the bed. In moments, Bob was being snuggled by a changeling queen, and he wasn’t complaining too much. “By the way, one of my scouts said they saw two ponies, both of whom are related to Twilight Sparkle, that will be trying to see you sometime in the next hour. I shall remain with you while they talk to you, as I hope to try and mediate just a little bit.” The human nodded.
The human spent that next hour idly petting Chrysalis, at some point, he ended up on her back, and was combing her mane with his hands.
“You know, I had a thought.” Bob said as Chrysalis purred. “You and Celestia are around the same age, right?”
“I am only a thousand years old, give or take; changeling queens can live for thousands of years, but we are not immortal. Why do you ask?”
“I dunno. Doesn’t it make not a lot of sense as to why Celestia’s the way she is? You’re super chill once I got through your rough exterior, Luna’s a sweetheart, and she’s older than you are. So why is Princess Celestia such a cunt?”
“...I believe it may have to do with how a thousand years ago, since I believe I was around for it, every other politician on the planet wanted to try and kill Princess Celestia and Princess Luna to try and take their abilities to control celestial bodies. Then the final nail in the coffin is when Princess Luna caved into all the hatred she received throughout the centuries prior, and tried to kill her sister as well. Though it does not explain why she is so scared of you. Perhaps it’s because you’re something entirely new? My drones have been across all of Equus and none have reported anything like you.”
“So because she has no background knowledge of me, because humans aren’t a thing in this world, she’s terrified of me?” The human asked.
“Possibly. Keep in mind just how quick that old hag was to stick a magic inhibitor on my head, or how she only gradually gave back some of Princess Luna’s duties. Out of every single creature on this planet, I, on enough love, or Princess Luna, are the two beings on the planet that can kill her. I cannot truly fault her for being scared, but when Princess Luna returned, my drones reported that she was trying everything to just spend an extra hour with Princess Celestia. It’s clear as day that Luna did adore her sister and wanted to make up for what she did in any way she could think of. I would not have attacked Princess Celestia after the idea of peace was put into my mind. Which is where I can fault her.
“Princess Celestia simply does not know when to relax. Her country, until my invasion, has seen nothing but peace since her sister was sent to the moon. Yet she still thinks somebody is going to stab her in the back, poison her, or maybe her own sister will turn on her again… Despite Luna trying to make pancakes for Celestia on her first night back in Equestria,” The Queen hummed. “I cannot see how she thought you would be a threat either; you’re a little scrawny as is. Despite what you said, you were very easy to make friends with, which makes me wonder how much Princess Celestia has hurt you.”
“Hey, you didn’t accuse me of trying to kill everyone at a party. And while you did some fucked up shit to the people I love, you at least tried to be a decent person to me. After… some recent experiences, seeing a friendly face is a nice change of pace. Though as Twilight said, it’s a little freaky how you can go from snarling at a guard, to literally nuzzling and babying a changeling, or me, in a heartbeat.”
“I can be sweet and cuddly to those I love, Bob. I can be equally cruel to those I consider my enemies. You and I are not too different in that department.” Chrysalis sighed and nuzzled into the human. “If you require anything, such as shelter, should these ponies ever cast you out, contact Bon Bon, she may not be a changeling, but I have worked with her in the past. She can get you into contact with one of my drones, and I can offer you sanctuary from there.”
“I don’t think that’ll happen. Luna will burn down all of Canterlot before she lets anyone bring any harm to me. The thought’s nice though.”
Chrysalis giggled. “I forget just how close you and Moonbutt are. Oh, she and I would get along so nicely if we were given the chance-”
“You wanna get under her bed sheets with her.”
“...Yes. Fuck you for being not innocent like a foal your age should be.”
“Hey, Luna’ll stop by for some human snuggle time, if you wanna join in, you can ask her. I’m sure she won’t mind.” Chrysalis nodded as a knock on the door interrupted them.
“I can get it,” Chrysalis said as her horn lit. The door opened and Twilight Velvet and Night Light strolled in… only to stop. From their perspective, all they saw was their adoptive son, sitting on a monster’s back. Said son had his hands on her, one was scratching her jaw, and the other was rubbing one of her ears. The Queen’s crown was sitting on the nightstand so Bob wouldn’t accidentally knock it off, and it served as a symbol for both the human and changeling; they were equals. “Hello, Mr and Mrs. Twilight. I know this looks bad, but I simply requested to be spoiled, and Bob is delivering.”
“...Why the buck are you in my child’s room?” Twilight Velvet asked.
“Chrysalis is my friend, Twilight.”
“She mind controlled your brother! She almost bit your sister’s head off, and had thrown your sister in law into Celestia knows where!” The mare yelled. “And you’re sitting there, sharing brownies with her, and snuggling up to her like she’s family!”
Bob simply sat there, before removing himself from Chrysalis’s back. “So do you wanna disown me or something, Mrs. Velvet? Do you suddenly no longer wish for me to be your child because said child wants to associate with the big, evil bug lady that literally brought them brownies as a sign of friendship?”
“I don’t want to! I think she’s mind controlling you; how else would you have forgiven her for everything she’s done?”
“I just went and forgave her. Chrysalis definitely isn’t remorseful, she’s about as racist as you ponies are.” The Queen snorted, but did not disagree with that statement. “I can forgive and forget if somebody makes the effort to show that they felt bad. Chrysalis at least felt bad for treating me like an animal, and has said she doesn’t want to hurt me at all. I still don’t stand behind what she did. I’m still a little livid about what she had done to Shiny, but she’s making plans to try and genuinely apologize to him. And all her arguments as for why I should be her friend are pretty sound; free brownies; snuggles; changelings that guard me every hour of the day while being hidden. Hell, Chrysalis snuck in here one night and cuddled, with five other changelings, me, and Azolf. Now that was fun..”
“You’re… not being mind controlled?”
“No, Mom. I’m not. Chrysalis was simply being nice to me, so I started being nice back. Once you get to know her, and she doesn’t immediately chase you away, she’s pretty nice.”
“I can’t believe this…” Night Light sighed. “Wait a second…”
“What? Me calling Twilight Velvet ‘Mom’? I know I’m never seeing my actual home again, Dad. I might as well start accepting that I won’t be seeing my biological family ever again… Luna even suggested I do something at our upcoming concert to symbolize me saying goodbye to my old life. I may as well start calling you both Mom and Dad, even if I’m about to be disowned simply because I wanted to be friends with a couple of changelings.”
“We weren’t going to disown you, Bob. We just wanted to know why you became friends with her .” Twilight Velvet said. “Are you certain that you aren’t being mind controlled?”
“Nope. The worst thing Chrysalis has done, ever since she dropped her disguise, was curse at me for beating her...”
“It was fucking bullshit, I tell you,” Chrysalis said behind a tea cup she didn’t have a few moments ago. Both the human and Queen laughed at the elder Twilights’ expression. “Oh no, Bob never laid a hand on me in any violent way. No, he kicked my flank in a game of chess, so I started using a spell to read his mind and beat him every game after that.”
“The fuck, Chrysalis? I thought you were just good at chess!”
“No, I’m terrible. I just made use of my available resources, like an actual strategist, and one of my resources is mind reading!’ She giggled behind a hoof. “You adorable little asshole; it’s what you get for beating me so soundly in front of my children.”
“...Seeing you like this, your highness, and I mean no offense by this, is actually terrifying.” Night Light said calmly. “You look… and act just like any pony would, even if you’re just as vulgar as Bob is.”
“Well, Bob gave me a chance and I seized it. I have to hoof it to you ponies, as long as you don’t get an overly sappy friend, friendship is a nice concept. It keeps me fed, and Bob is more than content in pampering me whenever I ask. Oh, his belly rubs are simply divine!” The Queen chuckled. “Would you two at least hear my side of the story for why I did what I did?”
“You know what? If Bob can somehow forgive you, then surely you had a good reason,” Night Light said. So Chrysalis told him, her struggles, her woes, the denial of any form of aid when she asked for it. Everything.
“Four thousand children…” Twilight Velvet whispered. “You’ve watched four thousand of your own children die?”
“It’s worse when they die in my arms, Mrs. Twilight. I have seen so much death, so much of my own flesh and blood, have died because I couldn’t feed them. My changelings can survive on regular, ‘pony’ food, but how can we get that if we don’t have the means to grow or farm anything? Emotions are the most nutritious thing a changeling can eat, but then it makes us seem like bloodthirsty monsters that will kill somepony as soon as they run dry of emotions.
“My changelings can, and have formed bonds with other beings that they use to get their fill of emotions from. Azolf,” the changeling dropped down from the ceiling, turned into a colt-sized version of himself, and crawled on top of the human’s head. “Tried so hard after I called the invasion off, to keep me from cocooning Bob because he cared about his favorite little human. I have had lovers in the past that didn’t know who I was, and I’ve become depressed when they passed. I understand just how fucked up my most recent attempt at getting food for my children is.
“I almost ruined the marriage of two perfectly innocent ponies because I needed to feed my children. I did not lay a hoof on Shiny, I did not bed him, and I will not do that. As much as I am apathetic to what I’ve done to him and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, even I draw lines. Touching somepony else’s mate is far past how far I’ll go to get food. Shining Armor was merely a tool I needed to get love, not a sex toy, Mrs. Twilight… As much as I would’ve loved to bed somepony so handsome, even I couldn’t have lived with myself if I did.”
“My bucking Celestia…” Twilight Velvet and Night Light slowly turned to each other and nodded. “You didn’t want to hurt Shiny?”
“I did my best to only control and feed off him. I even told the doctors what to do with the side effects of being forcefully fed upon by a changeling so that he could look good for his wedding.” Chrysalis shook her head. “Now do not think I’m any better than I am. I have murdered ponies, griffins, anything in the past. I am not a good changeling . But if you get on my good side, like Bob has, then I will stick my neck out for you; I can be nice.”
“And that,” Bob patted Chrysalis on the neck. “Is why you are my favorite monarch. Luna would be, but she’s more of a diarch.”
“So I’m not your favorite changeling or pony? How rude.”
The Twilights just watched as the Changeling and Human started playfully bickering at each other. Soon, it ended with Bob being pinned down, on the bed and being tickled to Tartarus and back… Then Chrysalis hit Bob in the face with a pillow.
“Help! Queen Cheese Legs is gonna kill me-OOF!” Bob grunted when he caught a pillow in the face again.
Author's Note
chrysalis may seem wholesome here, but in the future i might have her actually kill somebody in front of Bob.
Bob was finally able to leave Canterlot Castle after all the changelings left with Queen Chrysalis towards one of their closer Hives, which then funneled into the Main Hive. They did it at night so nopony would notice, so that they could not be traced back to their main home… Just in case the Queen needed to twist Celestia’s forelegs into finding a stable source of food for her children. Bob, on the other hand, was not allowed to leave Canterlot by two things; he didn’t have his money on him, and because there was a mare that was really excited about something.
That mare’s name was Twilight Velvet. That mare was leading Bob out of Canterlot Castle, and that mare was gushing about how Bob called her ‘mom’ during the meeting with Chrysalis, and kept on doing it because it rolled off the tongue better than Twilight Velvet did. Bob just nodded dumbly as Night Light was smiling proudly at the prospect of being called ‘dad’ by Bob as well. Because of this, they weren’t letting him leave Canterlot until Twilight got back, and then they were going to spend as much time with the human as they possibly could before she got back.
“Oh, we could go to the park…” Twilight Velvet mused.
“I… the last time I was at a park, I was ten. I’m going to be seventeen in November, Mom.”
“But… I want to push you on the swings! You are my little baby, after all.”
“You ponies are over dramatic; I’m just a year older than Spike is. I’m not a baby.”
“You are in my eyes, young man. Don’t argue with me on this.”
“...Okay. I guess I’ll just follow along with whatever. Just know that I probably can’t fit on, or in the swings when we get to the park.”
When the Twilights and their adoptive son got to the park, they quickly found out that Bob was right. The swings were too low to the ground, as they were meant to accommodate foals that barely came up to Bob’s knees at the tallest, and they were meant to hold a foal of the same size. So, Bob just sat on the ground and let all the other foals play on him until their parents realized what they were doing, and promptly took their kids and left the park to get away from the monster. He slowly turned to Twilight Velvet and looked her in the eyes while a filly, a little, light blue pegasus(she almost looked like Rainbow Dash without the rainbow hair) climbed on his head and decided to suddenly take a nap.
“Don’t you dare take a photo of this, I see that camera in your magic-”
“I think you made a new friend, Bob!” Twilight giggled as she took a photo of what she thought was an adorable moment. The human shook his head; he couldn’t really disagree. He picked the filly up off of his head, settled the sleeping pony in his lap and continued to sit there while he idly petted her.
“What… the buck?” A pegasus trotted on over. “Cloudy,” the pegasus nudged her filly. “Leave Mr. Bob alone…”
The filly lifted her head with a yawn. “But Mom…”
“Wait, how do you know my name?” Bob asked.
“You started selling an album a week ago; me and my daughter loved everything in your album… even if some of it was a bit odd. Why was one of your songs about an army of tigers?”
“Uh… because it was one of my favorite songs from home, so I brought over to Equestria.”
“If you don’t mind me, sir, I’ll just take my filly; she’s probably bothering you isn’t she?”
“Oh no, she just fell asleep on my head, so I started petting her; Cloudy’s a really cute filly, and I do not mind having something so cute laying on my lap.” The older pegasus simply giggled at that.
“My my, you are a lot nicer in pony than I thought you’d be.”
“Am I really that scary?” The pegasus nodded. “Weird. Back home, I’d be considered a midget and a scrawny little dude.”
“Mom… can we keep Mr. Bob? He can sing us songs, and he gives nice ear scratches…” Cloudy said; she was just a little bit drowsy from the nap and said ear scratches.
“No, dear, we cannot keep a living being. You can stay with him for another hour. Are you willing to foal sit my filly, Mr. Bob?”
“You trust me that much already?” Bob asked. “Bold, but okay.”
“I see that look in your eyes, sir. I know you couldn’t bring yourself to even hurt my daughter.”
“If I found something in me that wanted to hurt a filly of all things, I’d probably off myself.” Bob chuckled.
A few days later, Bob was sitting in Twilight Sparkle’s room. He had been sitting up there, alone while mulling over some things. Mostly what Chrysalis had said about Celestia’s constant paranoia. With how everypony that she was somewhat close with, be it Luna, Twilight and her family, or anyone who also associated themselves with Bob, didn’t like her anymore, that probably wasn’t helping her out any. And as much as Bob didn’t like Princess Celestia, he also knew it would be pointless to hold a grudge against the Princess for so long.
Especially when it had nearly been four months since Hearth’s Warming.
“Bob, what are you still doing there?” Twilight Velvet asked, cracking the door open to get a peek at the human. “Lunch is going to be ready, and I know that you skipped breakfast today. You’ve got to be hungry by now.”
“Hey Mom,” the human waved. “So uh… I was just thinking some stuff over. Mainly what Chrysalis and I talked about before you and Dad came over to have a chat with me. Mostly about what she said about Princess Celestia and her old age. Because Luna isn’t too much younger than Celestia, yet Luna isn’t paranoid. Probably because she has a few, not a lot, but a few people to hangout with who wouldn’t dare lay a finger on her in any malicious way… Yet Celestia immediately thought I would try to poison her, or her sister, during that one party.
“Which then leads me to a simple question; why do you all hate Celestia? I’ve got my reason to, but that shouldn’t explain why Twilight or even Luna started giving that woman a death stare. For one, I know Twilight probably thought of Celestia as a second mother, and Luna’s literally Celestia’s sister. So what is with everyone giving Celestia the cold shoulder on my behalf?”
“...Didn’t she wrong you?”
“Yeah, and you all can still be friends with her, while still being friends with me. And Luna can still be Celestia’s sister. Because I know a thing or two about having siblings, Mom. I used to have three older brothers before I came to Equestria. The main thing with siblings is… they should always have each other’s backs. Luna should still at least try to be nice to her sister, and Celestia should try and make Luna’s life a little easier by helping her get accepted by the greater part of Equestria.
“Instead, Celestia thinks her sister’s trying to kill her again, Luna just doesn’t like Celestia, and actively only stays close to me when we're in the same room, while leaving Celestia out…” Bob shrugged. “It’s a wee bit unfair to Celestia, dontcha think? I know it’s weird for me to be trying to vouch for the woman, but eventually she’s gonna snap just like Luna did a thousand years ago, and it will be worse for everyone involved. Because while the Moon is cold, you can deal with the cold, you can warm it up. You can’t extinguish the Sun; it’s too hot and it will probably boil you alive.”
“So… what are you getting at?” Twilight Velvet asked.
“I’m gonna talk to Celestia alone and try to make peace with her. I’ve been a bit of a piece of shit to her, and while I think it’s justified, it’s been four months since the party. It’s been a minute and a half, and I just want it all to be over with. Because as much as I hate that woman, it would be easier if I got along with her, and better for Celestia and Luna. They’re fucking sisters, yet I bet Luna couldn’t tell you Celestia’s favorite flavor of ice cream, or Celestia couldn’t tell you what Luna’s favorite animal is. Hopefully me, showing that Celestia isn’t as bad as I initially thought, will turn things around. Because I see how Twilight sees Celestia; she wants to go talk with the poor woman, and then can’t because everyone will judge her for siding with the bad guy.” Bob shrugged.
“That… Night Light is one of her advisors. I can get him to send a message to Celestia and you two can meet in the castle.”
“That’ll work,” Bob admitted. “God, I am sick of hating people. It’s not a healthy thing to do.” His stomach growled. “See? It’s making parts of my body growl on their own!”
“I think that means somebody shouldn’t skimp out on breakfast again, hmm, Bob?” Twilight Velvet asked.
“...Yeah, you’re right. Spike makes better pancakes than you do, though…”
“Did you just insult my cooking?”
“...Please don’t murder me.” Twilight Velvet shook her head, before dragging Bob to the dining room with her magic.
The next day, Bob was sitting across from Princess Celestia in a sitting room. They were both calmly sipping on tea while they both figured out how to break the ice. Bob, however, started first. “So, I heard that you have some trust issues.”
“...Why do you say that?”
“You think Luna and I want to jump you one day, when all we wanted to do was hold a concert. You also aren’t keen on giving Luna every single duty she had before she became Nightmare Moon and got shipped off to the Moon.” Bob said bluntly. “Chrysalis had been spying on you and your castle for a hot minute, and she told me all of this.” The human reclined back in his chair. “So, I am here to simply talk with you. I’m not here to hurt you, yell at you, or anything. Celestia, you technically only got one chance of me being your friend.”
“...How do I know that you won’t stab me in the back?”
The human shrugged. “I dunno. That’s what trust is for. Luna can literally obliterate every little molecule, every single cell of my body, or instantly cripple me for life. I could’ve easily strangled Luna any time in the last few weeks I snuck into her room for snuggles and I didn’t. I trust Luna not to hurt me on purpose, and she does the same. What was Luna doing when she first met me, Celestia?”
“Tell me all about you, whatever she found out about you, she told me. From how your nose scrunches up when you sleep, to how wide your smile is.”
“Just… like I would with my older brothers whenever I did, or found something cool. I showed them, and they’d listen…” Bob sighed. “Okay Celestia, how many times in the last thousand years have you almost been assassinated. How many times, since Nightmare Moon was sent… to the moon, has anyone tried to kill you for any reason?”
“Not once, the world saw how much power an alicorn could wield, and it made everypony give up on trying to kill me.” The Princess answered. “Wait, how do you know that myself, and Luna, have nearly been assassinated countless times?”
“Queen Chrysalis. She may not be as old as you are, but you probably dealt with her mother, maybe a bit of her as well spying on you as well. She spied on you a lot, obviously, and her drones reported back what happened every time, including when Luna fell to the dark side.” Bob took a deep breath. “Hence, why I am here. After hearing the kind of shit you and Luna were going through, and how your own sister, in your mind, betrayed you, I can get why you think the way you do. I can see why you are the way you are. The question is why haven’t you chilled out in the thousand years of peace that you had?”
“...Old habits die hard, Bob. You don’t survive nearly getting killed, or hundreds of attempts of murder, and not be a little jumpy.”
“That is entirely fair, Celestia. I’m still a bit jumpy from just a year of being out in the wilderness with a target on my back.” Bob stood up and walked around the table, plopping himself in the same chair as the Princess. “I want to try and give you a second chance, Celestia. Notice how I haven’t called you by any honorifics since the start of this meeting?”
“I have. That… is rather unexpected.”
“Of course, however, we’re gonna need some ground rules. I’m giving you a lot of trust, in return, I want you to trust me just as much. Your birthday’s coming up, right?” Celestia nodded. “I’ll bake you a cake, and I’ll trust that you’ll invite me and Luna and some ponies you could possibly become friends with, and host a birthday party. Talk with Luna more, trust her with more duties. She may want to perform in a band with me, but that might not mean she’ll entirely ditch you or ruling as a whole.”
“But… she hates me.” Celestia whispered.
“No she doesn’t. She hates what you were doing, stuff you were doing without thinking first, but she doesn’t hate you. Luna probably wants nothing more for all this bullshit to be behind us all, and to snuggle under your wing and read something trashy like Daring Do or some other shit.”
“And Twilight?”
“Twilight adores you, Celestia. I can tell just how much she wants to talk to you and cannot because she’s afraid of somehow pissing me off for wanting to be your student and friend. You’re her second mother, after all.”
“And you’re telling the truth?” Celestia asked.
“Eeyup. In fact, I sent a letter to Luna to meet me here as well, she’ll be in any second now-”
The door slammed open and Luna trotted in. “At least there were less staff screaming ‘Nightmare Moon’... Bob, why are you snuggled up with my sister? Actually, Tia, why are you snuggled up with Bob?” She walked in and sat across from them. “Are you two finally trying to make up?” Bob couldn’t help but chuckle at the poorly concealed hope in Luna’s eyes.
“We are trying to. Luna, do you miss just snuggling up with your sister and reading a book made for children?” The Moon nodded. Celestia opened one of her wings.
“I have two wings, sister…” Celestia sounded like she was about to cry when Luna, without hesitation, and in a heartbeat, was sharing the cushion with Bob and Celestia.
“Now, Celestia, remember our ground rules. Maybe ask Luna to help with day court a little so that your ponies can start getting used to her?” The human asked.
“That… sounds like a wonderful idea…” Celestia sighed. “You do not understand how nice this feels.”
“I do, you’re a lot warmer than the average pony, which makes you an excellent cuddle buddy…” Bob chuckled. “Seriously though, I wanna get this shit past us. As much as I can remain mad at you, I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life hating somebody. And don’t you dare start being cold and distant or whatever, make friends, start opening up more. Nobody’s gonna try shit with what is literally a nuclear bomb in a pony’s body.”
“What… is a nuke?”
“A type explosive device that Bob’s kind has made,” Luna said, her eyes closed. “When detonated, it could wipe out Canterlot and Ponyville and any other surrounding towns within three hundred meters of the blast to instantly blow up. They work off of what powers your ball of gas, apparently.” Celestia’s mouth ‘o’d.
“What the buck is wrong with you humans?”
“Ask the guy that let Justin Bieber open his mouth. Some people can dream of the wheel, or some can dream of ruining everybody’s day. Lemme guess, that’s why you didn’t fully trust me? Couldn’t get a read on humans, because you had no experiences with humans?”
“I can read your body language, but not know what any of it means. I can read your eyes, and know what you’re feeling, but I have no humans, like I do with griffins, to get a general idea of how you’d act. While every griffin I met has a different personality, I can easily read them due to how many I have seen. Same with minotaurs or other carnivorous races that I have worked with in the past.”
“That is fair, though next time when you encounter me, the human, don’t kill me because I wanted to bake a cake. I’m a wee bit allergic to getting murdered , y’know.”
“I believe we all are allergic to being murdered, Bob,” Luna quipped.
“Shut up Luna, death’s a huge issue for us mortals.”
“It is for us immortals as well, Bob. It is also why I have not been able to relax. I get close to somepony, perhaps even find somepony I can call a lover, and then I blink and they’re nothing but ashes. After a while I gave up, thinking I could always have my sister…”
“Then your subjects accidentally turned her into the second coming of cthulhu?” Luna giggled.
“...What?”
“Oh sister, Bob is going to confuse you with all of his human concepts. Did you know that they used to worship a golden cow? Or that they thought the world was flat?”
“...Why was I scared of you again, Bob? Your race sounds like a bunch of idiots.”
“Because my race is a bunch of idiots. However, don’t sell us short. You’re lucky that whatever brought me here ain’t permanent. We humans have achieved space travel, and have reached the moon half a century before I ended up here. We have small, tiny little sticks that can shoot a projectile and instantly kill whoever it hits. When we humans have ambitions, there’s nothing that stops us. Granted, a lot of technology grew because of infighting within my race. A lone human ain’t much of a threat; we’re pretty weak, physically. A group of angry humans? You best run.”
“...A lone human kept my guard on their toes for a year, Bob. I don’t know if you’ve met this human. My sister and I used to place bets on whether or not you would be captured at the start of every month.” Celestia sighed. “So I can safely say that some humans can be dangerous.” Bob started rubbing her shoulder with his left hand. “Oh… that feels nice.”
“Wow, Luna, your sister’s a lot fluffier than you are.”
“WHAT THE BUCK DID YOU SAY?” Both the human and the larger alicorn giggled at Luna’s sudden outburst. Soon, Celestia had her schedule cleared and the three of them simply sat in that room, snuggling. Since it was rather late, for Luna, she had fallen asleep while Bob and Celestia played a game of cards.
“You’re not too bad when you start opening up.” Bob admitted as he beat Celestia again in ‘war’.
“You… are genuinely a lot nicer than I would’ve anticipated. I suppose as long as we trust each other?”
“As long as you make an effort with me, I’ll put the same effort in. Now what is your favorite flavor of cake?”
“Oh… strawberry cake is simply delightful. It has been so long since anypony made me a good strawberry cake.”
“Oh. Oh. You done fucked up.” Celestia’s ears perked up and she flinched slightly. “I’m going to make you the best damn strawberry cake I’ll ever make.” The Princess relaxed a bit more. “How do you feel about a nice, melty, chocolate fudge inside of a strawberry cake?”
“...That sounds like something that would be gone in minutes if you put that in front of me, Bob. Are you trying to kill me with excessive amounts of sugar?” She bobbed her eyebrows, so the human started playing along.
“Yeah. Just be careful, if Luna catches wind of this, you might survive my attempt at killing you with a lot of sugar.”
“Then perhaps I shall let her know. When together, the Royal Pony Sisters are unstoppable!”
Bob sighed and leaned on the Princess. “Just know, we aren’t exactly best friends, Celly,” the Princess nodded. “But we will be if we keep going at this pace. Do you wanna show up to that concert me and Luna are holding in Canterlot, whenever Twilight and her friends come home from the Crystal Empire, with Octavia as a guest performer?”
“That… would be lovely. I’ll take front row seats, but I would like to keep my guards in public; a peace of mind if you will.”
“Fair enough.” Bob paused. “So why did Shining Armor, Cadance, and Twilight and her friends get sent off to the Crystal Empire?”
“To… stop somepony named Sombra, an absolutely evil pony. Don’t worry, I kept a close eye on the situation after I enchanted Cadance’s eyes so that I could see through them. Sombra is long defeated, and Twilight and her friends are simply celebrating.”
“Wait, that was Twilight’s test? Fighting an evil asshole?”
“...Yes.”
“God dammit. Please, please tell me when you’re shipping my adoptive sister to whoop satan’s ass. I know, she’s a very capable unicorn that could rip me to shreds, but I would’ve wanted to help out with taking that dude down… Even if I couldn’t do shit to even the average unicorn should they use magic on me.”
“Which is why I did not send you. Would you rather sit on the sidelines and cheer for Twilight, or be on the field with her and possibly get in the way?”
“Good point.” Bob sighed. “Wanna scare the shit out of her when she comes home? I’ll only throw you under the carriage if she gets mad at us.”
“...I will. But if you blame me for the idea, I will throw you under the carriage.” They both had an idea.
“Blame Shiny?” Bob asked.
“Blame Shining Armor.” Celestia agreed.
“Make sure to have Luna help you in day court,” Bob yawned. “I’m gonna take a nap, your shoulder is super warm and fluffy, and it’s making me sleepy… not to mention that I might have stayed up all night, thinking about this meeting…” Celestia giggled when the human started snoring. It mixed in with Luna’s snores, even if the human’s was somehow quieter.
“It has been three thousand years since I took a nap…” Celestia used her magic to lift the three of them up, before summoning a much, much larger cushion. She laid down upon it, laying Luna on her side, with Bob snuggled in right next to Luna. The sun princess paused. The human fell asleep while practically being on top of her.
He was trying to go the distance and trust her.
“I’ll meet you halfway, Bob.” The Princess curled around her younger sister and her sister’s human, before taking a nap for the first time in forever.
Author's Note
No, Bob isn’t just blindly trusting Celestia. He’s giving her trust in hopes that she’ll return said trust. Luna and Celestia will start working together in ruling their kingdom, equally, and things might start looking brighter for Bob and the Royal Sisters.
I will be trying to keep Celestia just a little jumpy, say she gets jump scared by Bob in the future, and she’ll yelp pretty loudly and grab him with magic. or hesitate when given a baked good from a certain, hairless ape.
eventually Celestia will be a lot less jumpy. eventually.
for now, at least, Bob and Celestia are taking a second chance at being friends.
A little more than a week had passed for Bob, he mostly spent all day lying around in his room, seeing as Chrysalis was gone, Azolf had stolen his bed most of the days, so he spent time with Celestia and Luna, who were both actually helping each other out with petitioners during daycourt. In between petitioners, Bob would rub under Luna’s wings, which apparently felt really good to ponies with wings, and Celestia occasionally pestered Bob to be spoiled as well.
Of course, the Princess did flinch upon first contact every time, but she relaxed soon after the human’s hands got to work.
Right now, however, Twilight had just gotten back from the Crystal Empire and had stopped in Canterlot to pick up the human and spend a day with her Mom and dad.
Which led the human to where he was at this exact moment.
Bob was sitting on his ass, while Twilight kept punching him in the arm. Laying next to him was a modified hockey mask, thanks to Princess Celestia, that he had used to scare the ever living daylights out of Twilight. Spike was sitting on the bed, glaring at Bob. “I cannot BELIEVE you, Bob!” The unicorn sighed. “I get home from fighting a dangerous, ancient king and save an entire empire, and this is my welcome home party?”
“Hey now, that was Shining Armor’s idea,” Bob laughed while wiping a tear from his eye. “You can ask Celestia; he sent me a letter to prank you, so I got some help from Sunshine,” Bob chuckled. On the ground was a machete covered in rust, making it look like it was covered in dried blood… From Celestia.
The Princess had a matching, red mark on her belly that looked like a stab wound… made to look more realistic with an illusion spell.
The Princess herself was sitting behind Bob, holding a hoof to her mouth while giggling. A camera was hidden behind her back, having just captured the moment perfectly.
“Bob is telling the truth, my faithful student.” Celestia giggled some more. “Okay, we’re both lying; in celebration of your victory, and mine and Bob’s newfound friendship, we decided to prank you and Spike with a costume of somepony named ‘Jason Voorhees’. I say we both did a pretty swell job.”
“Celestia! We were supposed to blame Shining Armor together!”
“I know, I know, but I couldn’t keep lying to Twilight!” Celestia hugged Bob from the side while the two giggled like school fillies.
“Wait a second,” Twilight paused. “When did you two suddenly become the best of friends?” Twilight asked.
“A couple days ago. Chrysalis, in all her flaws, did get me thinking about some things. One thing led to another, then me and Luna snuggled up under Celestia’s wings and had a nice, long nap. We’re still working out a few kinks-“
“That’s weird, Bob. We’re not even dating.”
“Jesus fucking christ…” Bib whispered. “Okay, that got me, Tia.” The human snickered. Twilight was watching them both with wide eyes. “Yeah, Twi, Tia was feeling a little lonely so we became friends.”
“With benefits,” Celestia bobbed her eyebrows a couple of times while giving the unicorn a shit eating grin.
“What the buck did she say?” Twilight asked. “What benefits?”
“Well, when your friend is feeling a little down, you sleep in their bed,” Bob started.
“And they do what most ponies do when they want children. It takes a load off the mind and is rather relaxing. It’s like dating, but without dating.” Celestia added.
Spike and Twilight were officially broken. If you were a being of a higher power, you could see loading bars in their eyes as they processed what was just said. For Twilight, her second mother just admitted to sleeping with her adoptive brother. For Spike, his first mother just admitted to sleeping with his cousin. Celestia was now laughing like a maniac while Bob snorted to try and keep himself from doing the same. What they both had done, together, to the poor unicorn and drake was priceless.
“I think we went a little too far,” Bob said with a chuckle.
“Well, this was part of the prank, my little human…” Celestia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Twilight, what is the square root of negative twelve?”
That fixed the unicorn in a heartbeat. “There can’t be a square root for a negative number, as a negative number isn’t a real number…” Twilight shook her head. “So you two are dating?”
“Fuck no!”
“We apparently just mesh together pretty well,” Bob shrugged. “Because Tia immediately picked up on what I was trying to do, which was break your brain.”
Twilight shook her head while grinning. Soon, a large smile replaced that grin. “This is great! Now I can have my mentor and my best friend without starting anything!”
“You could’ve kept Celestia as a mentor while being my friend, Twilight. I wouldn’t have minded; it was kinda silly to see everyone hound Celestia for me, just looking back on it.”
“I did accuse you of a very serious crime, Bob. I say it was somewhat fair.”
“It wasn't fair for how long you were getting shit for it, though. Eh, that’s all in the past, now we’re best buds.” Bob patted Celestia’s back. “So Twilight, how was saving the world?”
“It was scary.” Twilight admitted. “But with my friends, I knew I could pull through any obstacles thrown my way!” Bob didn’t comment on how cheesy that was, but instead gave his adoptive, older sister a celebratory full body massage to commemorate her coming home in one piece. By the time he was done, Twilight was sleeping in his lap, Princess Celestia had long since gone off to take care of her princess-y duties such as the day court, and Spike was just side-eyeing the human. “Hey Spike, you want a massage too? I got an extra room in my lap, and I know some drake played a huge role in saving the day!”
Spike couldn’t stay mad for too much longer; curse those human hands are hard to argue against.
A few weeks later, Bob was reading two sets of letters. Well, three, but that third one was from Chrysalis. Luna and Bob were still pen pals and happily wrote to each other everyday, with Celestia adding on her own little bit to the end of each letter until Bob suggested that she should send messages to him as well. Now Bob, Luna, and Celestia could communicate almost instantly thanks to Spike, but still only wrote to each other once a week in order to not annoy the drake. And now, Luna doesn’t need to wait for the Royal Post Office to make sure she isn’t letting any state secrets out, all thanks to a certain, tall, white alicorn with a rainbow mane.
Dear Bob,
I will have you know that Luna just asked if we could have a spa day, and that she knew of a good spa in Ponyville. Oh, this is so wonderful! I’ve not had a day off in nearly one thousand, two hundred years. And I’ll be spending it with my little sister! Things have never felt better before in my life! We will be arriving in Ponyville sometime next week, and taking you, Twilight, and Spike up to Canterlot for that little concert you and Luna will be performing with Ms. Melody. I can’t wait for that, either. After hearing Luna sing to me a few times, once with you, and another few times in private during breakfast or dinner, I can say that her voice is lovely.
I also have found a way to keep Chrysalis and her Hive fed, using liquid love. Of course, it feels weird, and tastes a little artificial to the changelings, but it works. On top of that, in exchange for aid in any building project, or various other services that her Hive can offer, I am sending her main hive a fair amount of produce so that it may be distributed throughout the rest of her kingdom.
Also, whenever Queen Chrysalis stops by to discuss anything regarding politics, Luna keeps checking her out. Oh it feels good to act as a big sister; teasing your little sister over her crush is so much fun! And when I spoke to Chrysalis about it, she knew about the crush. Oh, what I would give if I could set them up on a date. For one, it would help politically, two, both of them seem to be beating around the bush when it comes to actually trying to ask each other out, or flirt.
With all of that said, my letter is getting a little long, and is starting to reach the length of a report. This is the shortened version of what I was going to send you, by the way, so be lucky!
See you next week,
Princess Celestia.
Bob chuckled. “Of course Celestia knows about Luna’s crush,” he mused as he swapped to the next letter that had Luna’s seal.
Dear Bob,
I am certain that you have read my sister’s letter first, if not, read it first for context. I do, in fact, have feelings for Queen Chrysalis, and I hate how good my sister is at reading body language even if I can read her just as easily as she can read me. Because now she will not stop teasing me about it. She told me Chrysalis knows, bucking dammit! I know I have had many lovers in the past, but those were walks in the park! Mostly because most ponies find me attractive as is, and before I was demonized, being a Princess made it easier to ask anypony out.
However, this is Queen Chrysalis we are talking about. Not just a Princess, no, a full blown monarch, so I doubt she’ll immediately say yes to a date.
I am scared of asking, Bob. Chrysalis… oh she is so beautiful, those legs are… Sorry, I was letting my thoughts get a little unhinged. You are lucky that ponies have invented white-out or that would probably either make you blush, or give you material for me to smack you upside the head when you tease me about this.
Anyways, Tia is… actually acting like she did before a ten dozen assassins, from every country which would then make for thousands. Back to Celestia, she’s acting like a big sister and is trying to set things up just in case I give up on ruling for our future as a band. I want you to know that I am a Princess first, and a stage performer second. I also wanted her to understand that. I love ruling, it just becomes a drag when everypony calls you by what you once were, or makes you out to be the bad mare.
Though taking a month off every now and then to go on tour with you, throughout Equestria and singing songs does sound nice. We can even bring Celestia along and give her a vacation now that Cadance is more than capable of taking over for a month… And Twilight does have some knowledge in running the kingdom due to her tutelage under my sister’s wing. Perhaps we can use it as a test to pressure your sister into ruling the kingdom better, even if I think she’ll do a good job.
Speaking of which, can you ask Queen Chrysalis if she would be willing to join the four of us for a spa. Yes, us four, I am dragging you to that spa trip even if I have to drag you by your toes.
Your best friend, Luna.
P.S I expect a belly rub when I come to pick you up. I’ll let you use me as a pillow after the trip!
Bob stared at the letter while barely holding in a chuckle. Azolf ws saying in his old dog bed, because he still preferred it over an actual bed, holding Queen Chrysalis’s letter in his mouth. The changeling hopped out of his bed and brought the letter over. “Sir, don’t burst out laughing, I can sense just how humorous you find the Princesses’ letters.
“Hey now, Luna’s asking me to help set her up with a date for your mother, dude.” Azolf stopped and blinked a couple of times.
“How would a sixteen year old child know about dating advice?”
“I saw a girl back in highschool and wanted to ask her out. Somehow I scored my friend a date with that girl and not me . So I’m a good wingman, apparently.” The changeling sighed before handing his Mom’s letter to the human. While Bob read it, his eyes widened. “Chrysalis wants to meet me next week?” The changeling nodded. “And she will be arriving at the same time Celestia and Luna show up?” The changeling nodded again. “Stop just nodding, it’s cute.” The changeling nodded again with a shit eating grin. “That’s it, c’mere!” Bob tackled the changeling onto the dog bed just as Twilight and Spike got back home from spending the day with their friends.
“Bob, what the buck are you and your changeling doing?” Twilight asked.
“Azolf decided to do something,” the changeling nodded. “God dammit, bud. You were just speaking a moment ago.” Azolf’s horn lit up and a whiteboard was carried over to the changeling. He proceeded to write something on it and spun it around.
I CANNOT SPEAK, THERE IS A LUMP IN MY THROAT.
“...Twilight, he spoke at the meeting, right?”
“He did.”
“Yeah, it was kinda weird. There was a slight buzzy undertone to it.
THAT WAS BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE A LUMP IN MY THROAT.
Bob sighed. “God dammit, Azolf. I’m glad I get to see way more of your personality, but if you don’t… stop being cute, I will make you suffer a thousand years of tickles.”
“Uh… we don’t need to go there, Bob,” Azolf put the whiteboard down. “I can go without being tickled. Snuggles and chin scratches are nice, but please don’t tickle me.”
Twilight shook her head while smirking. “Okay, as much as I want to hold a grudge against you, Azolf, for not telling us what was happening at Canterlot before we went in, you make it really hard.”
“I did try to warn Bob, but then he went on the train anyway.” Azolf glared at the human. “And could’ve gotten himself killed for doing what he did at the practice wedding.”
“Hey, everything worked out.” Bob shrugged. “So, what do you guys wanna do? I kinda… recorded all the instrumentals I wanna use on the drum machine, at least all the ones that I’d struggle with playing on the spot, and I don’t have anything to do until Tia and Luna visit next week.”
“We can play fetch,” Azolf said. That got a few weird looks from Twilight and Spike. “What? It was fun!” The changeling coughed. “Well, the Queen wanted to give you a tour, Bob. We can grab the rest of your friends, and I can take you to the nearest Hive to Ponyville.”
“That sounds fun, but I’m thinking of something that doesn’t involve leaving Ponyville for the time being. Somethin’ small like a picnic, a walk in Whitetail Woods, anything really. Hell, we could go to dinner with our friends and I’ll pay for it.” Bob shrugged. “I kinda miss having to work for somebody everyday,” he admitted. “I’m not used to having free time because of school, and I can only do so much music-wise…”
“The Queen could stop by, or have somebuggy stop by and give you singing and musical lessons. That would eat some time up, and help you improve in your craft.”
Bob shrugged. “Sounds good, but I’m already pushing it by asking Twilight to let you stay with us. She isn’t exactly a fan of Chryssy for obvious reasons.”
Twilight nodded. “Yeah, I don’t want that old hag in my library if I can help it. I’m sure she’s a nice lady and all, but she mind controlled my brother, foalnapped my old foalsitter, and tried to take over Equestria! I wouldn't mind if she stopped by to teach you something, Bob, but she’s not doing it inside this tree.”
“Fair enough. Not everyone gets along with each other, after all.” Bob shrugged. “Any clue as to what we can do, by the way? I know you and Spike were just hanging out with some of your friends, but going to a restaurant sounds really nice. Again, your call; I dunno what the fuck Ponyville has to offer for entertainment since I never really wanted to leave the library when I first got here.”
“Well, dinner does sound nice…” Twilight had this look, like she had an idea. “Maybe you can share some food from your home? It would have to be purely vegetarian, and we can eat here in the library so it would be cheaper. Spike and I can help out too!” The unicorn clapped her hooves.
“I… dunno how well that would go, Twi.”
“But you’re good at baking…”
“Yeah, baking, Twilight. I know a few recipes we can try out, but I can’t guarantee they’ll come out perfectly for a few reasons. Such as me not remembering the recipe completely; baking’s easy because a lot of baked treats use the same ingredients with a thing or two added. secondly, I’m only really good at baking culinary-wise.”
“But it’ll be fun!” Twilight singsonged.
“I agree with you on that, let’s head down to the market and get some of the ingredients,” Bob walked into a nearby storage room and walked out with a bag of bits. “I’ll be paying.”
“But Bob! You’ll need that money in the future. I can pay-“
“Twi, you live off a stipend check that Celestia sends out to you every month. I have absolutely nothing to spend money on, and I’ve still got thousands of bits from just winning a bet . I’ve got even more from the concert, and if I’m not mistaken, I can buy two houses and live comfortably for a year. And yet I’m here, living off of your dime, rent free. At least lemme pay for something around here.”
“But I’m your friend! I let you live here because you’re my friend and my little brother!”
“I know,” Bob patted the unicorn on the head. “And I want to pay you back somehow, even if you don’t want me to.” The human rustled Twilight’s mane a bit. “I love ya to bits, and I can’t imagine how much time goes into setting up a monthly budget, especially when it’s you setting that budget up around a hundred bits.”
“… I might spend a few hours on just drafting a budget, and another few making a new draft and then another hour making the finalized budget every month.”
“So what if you didn’t have to worry about a budget? I could literally give you all of my bits; Chrysalis told me she’d have a house built for me, for free, if I asked her. Luna would probably be the same, and Tia might if I asked her really nicely. And with the concert popping up…” Bob shrugged. “I’d be rolling in more money than I’d know what to do with. And while it’s nice, I don’t have bills to pay besides taxes.”
“But… it’s your money. You earned it.”
“And I say you earned my money, because you’ve been trying to be nice to me, and have been genuinely nice to me since the day I became your problem. You’re my best friend, probably the best older sister I could ask for, and I love you.” Bob sighed. “You aren’t taking my bits even if I begged you to?” Twilight nodded. “Well, we’ll argue this at a later date, we still have a dinner for ten people to make.” Twilight nodded again before the group set off for the marketplace. Azolf kept trying to hide himself behind either Bob or Twilight, since changelings were allowed to roam the towns and cities of Equestria… if they weren’t in disguise. So Ponyville had fourteen or so ponies come out as changelings, as they were required to by law, and… There were mixed reactions.
Mostly positive, but a lot of ponies had to be assured that the changelings were still who they knew them as.
For instance, a couple of ponies who were dating, one of whom was a changeling, almost broke up only for them to stay together. The changeling managed to show that they did genuinely love their pony partner through grooming, one of the ultimate forms of affection for ponies; it feels good and not many would waste time doing it on somepony they weren’t very close with.
Another changeling got casted out by their special somepony, and that special somepony’s family chased the poor bug out of town despite how much the changeling meant to them before being outed.
That changeling ran into the Everfree Forest and nopony heard from them since…
After a quick runthrough of the ingredients needed, Bob split the bits between himself and Twilight, and they split off were their chosen helpers, Azolf and Spike respectively, and met back up at the library.
“Why did you want tomato sauce, a bunch of peppers, and three different kinds of cheese?”
“Because I know of a human dish that’s tasty, that can feed twenty people pretty easily if we make enough of it, and is easy to make. It’ll also only require assembling and baking it after I make the dough which should only take about thirty minutes,” Bob lifted his bag which was filled with the ingredients for dough and various spices. “And is really hard to fuck up, especially since I know an oven better than I know a stove.”
“But why peppers and three different types of cheese? What is wrong with you?”
“Different cheeses have different characteristics. That asiago cheese is to make the blend nice and stringing after it’s blended in with cheddar for flavor, and the parmesan just goes well on a pizza.”
“...I thought you were making something from your home, not something ponies already have in Canterlot.”
“Those are just pieces of bread with some cheese and toppings. No sauce, nothing else. That is a disgrace to New York City, and as a New Yorker, I refuse to call that shit ‘pizza’.” Bob walked into the kitchen. “This country ain’t ready to see what New York Pizza is like!” The sound of two teleportation spells made the human yelp. Celestia and Luna strolled out of the kitchen.
“I heard that Bob is baking something,” Celestia said.
“As did I,” Luna said.
“...You two are spying on Bob?”
“Luna was,” Celestia pointed out. “She told me what Bob was doing, and I wanted to see what it was all about. It seems like Bob expected this, for some odd reason.”
“That’s because Luna likes whatever the hell I put in an oven, and I know she also likes watching me from time to time,” the human yelled from the kitchen as the sound of a whisk clacking the sides of a bowl could be heard. “So I bought extra ingredients.”
Everyone in the room slowly turned to the Moon Princess.
“What? I usually have nothing better to do at this time of the day.”
“No, you wanna see when I’m alone so you can snag a quick ear scratch,” Bob yelled.
“DAMMIT BOB, YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT!” Luna huffed as the sound of Bob laughing could be heard from the kitchen.
“I’ll go tell everypony that Bob wanted to host dinner at the library,” Twilight said before backing out to do just that.
By the time everypony arrived, the human had two pizzas out of the oven. They were huge, larger than a pizza any of the ponies had seen before, with Luna having never seen a pizza before(pizza wasn’t a thing until four hundred years into her banishment). Bob set the two pizzas down, both were about thirty inches, or seventy six centimeters, because ponies hate freedom(a joke that the human used before, which only got confused head tilts in response). “Now, these are usually only twenty or so inches, or fifty centimeters in size, but I also know that I have two alicorns present, and Luna is a vacuum with a blackhole for a stomach. So about two slices,” Bob used a knife to evenly cut up each pizza. “Should fill everypony up before Luna inhales one of the pies. If she does, I’ve got another pie in the oven.”
“I will not inhale an entire pizza, this thing is larger than my sister’s butt.” That elicited a ‘Hey!’ from the older alicorn. That got everypony to relax around the princesses a bit more, and soon everyone had grabbed a slice. Azolf was nibbling on his slice… only to wolf it down after the first couple nibbles.
“This is a little messy for my liking,” Rarity said, having just taken a bite. She took another. “If I ever have more, I would certainly prefer a knife and fork.”
“That is sinful, Rarity,” Bob shrugged and swallowed his bite. “Taste good, though? It’s been… holy shit.” Bob
“What, Bob?” Twilight asked.
“I haven’t spoken to Dad or my brothers in two years…” the human sighed. “Fuck dude… I’m gonna be in Equestria when I’m old enough to legally drink in my country,” he leaned back on instinct. “I’m gonna be here when I’m old and gray too.” Bob sighed. “And I dunno if I can go back or not. I dunno if I wanna go back or not. I miss my family, but then I’ll miss everyone here even if I am generally treated better back at home.”
“And… My magic theory scientists haven’t found anything to send you home.” Celestia pointed out. Her ears flattened. “I do want to at least give you the option to send you home.”
“...There is the Mirror, sister.”
“The Crystal Mirror that we just sent off to the Crystal Empire?” Celestia asked. “I’ve only been there temporarily, and while Bob does look like inhabitants, he is a lot less colorful.”
“...The hell are you guys talking about?”
“We know of a way to transport you to a world similar to your old world,” Luna said.
“...And get none of the benefits of being home . Yeah, no, fuck that. I could use it to get some nice things like a deep fryer, but I ain’t moving to another dimension and leaving two families behind, Luna. You may not believe me, or you will, but you’re like a sister to me, Luna. And Twilight’s family already adopted me.” Bob shrugged. “Moving onto less heavy topics such as my possible, underlying mental health issues and homesickness, how’s the food?”
“Bob, we’re talking about this when we’re alone,” Twilight said sternly. “But this pizza… is so different from Manehattan pizza, which is the most popular type of pizza on Equestria.”
“It’s the correct style of pizza, Twilight,” Bob said like it was law. “Nobody makes pizzas like New Yorkers do,” he said with a hint of pride. “Well, New Yorkers would yell at each other over who makes it the best, but we all agree that our city’s style of pizza’s the best.”
“It’s pretty good. I wonder how apples would go on this stuff,” Apple Jack hummed. The human rubbed his chin for a moment, like he was genuinely considering it.
Luna had given her answer by happily eating half of the pizza nopony touched yet. Overall, the reception was good, and Bob had to give the recipe to Apple Jack.
Celestia still hadn’t touched her slice yet. She hesitated for a moment before her gaze caught Bob’s. The Princess took a deep breath before staring down at the slice with courage. She grabbed a hold of the slice with her magic, and slowly took a bite before. She slowly chewed it before swallowing. The Princess’s eyes widened before she quickly started enjoying four slices of the pizza Luna had already eaten half of.
A week later, Apple Jack had Bob pinned to the ground for saying that apples did not belong on pizza after trying her attempt at baking a pizza. Bob was yelled at for four hours for not liking apples on pizza. The yelling turned into eight hours after Bob said cooked fruit was a terrible idea.
Bob found himself smiling slightly at that. Baby steps, but at least the Sun Princess actually ate something he made even if she was somewhat hesitant at first.
Pinkie Pie made her own pizza and covered it in what looked like Jolly Ranchers… Bob didn’t comment on it, or how Pinkie ate the whole thing in one bite without getting diabetes.
Author's Note
just some slice of life stuff. this story is a slice of life at heart, after all.
Next chapter I’ll try something different with the hints of Luna and Chrysalis being attracted to each other.
A Trip to the Spa Makes Dreams Come True
Luna started literally vibrating in anticipation next to her sister as the chariot touched down on the ground. Today was going to be perfect. First, a belly rub from her favorite human, then a spa day with her favorite sister in the whole world! And if she’s lucky, she’ll be having dinner, or when she usually has breakfast, with a lovely looking changeling queen. Bob, unsurprisingly, managed to get Queen Chrysalis to come along to the spa with her and Celestia. Given how close the Changelings are to Bob, specifically the Queen and a drone named Azolf, it wasn’t surprising. Especially with Bob’s excellent reasoning for Chrysalis to come along.
For starters, a massage, while the Blossom Sisters’ hooves cannot not match the gentleness and precision of human hands, these were two ponies who knew how to give out massages. While Twilight Sparkle had claimed that the young man gives her wonderful massages when asked, he isn’t classically trained, so he can’t get at every ache and pain like a well trained earth pony can.
Human hands are for petting, hooves are for aches and pains.
Another reason that Bob used was that it would look good for Chrysalis to be seen spending the day with Celestia as a sign of friendship between the two rulers.
That was something Bob used for Luna coming, even if he knew she’d come regardless of the press; Luna acting like the little sister she is to Celestia would surely help show her in a brighter light. The Moon can only truly shine with help from the Sun, after all.
Of course, there were plenty of other small reasons, such as Bob just wanting to hangout with the Queen outside of a stuffy castle. That alone was enough to get the Queen to come out to Ponyville. The Queen had to sit outside the library, due to the little librarian finding the Queen to be a monster that only knows hate. Bob was sitting outside with her, on a bench that the two probably stole from the park. Resting on the Queen’s head wasn’t her usual crown.
No, instead Chrysalis was wearing a sunhat and was holding an ice cream cone in her magic while she and Bob happily talked about how their lives were going after they’ve last seen each other. “Your son’s a little psycho, I tell ya Chrysalis,” Bob chuckled behind his own ice cream cone. Chrysalis had gotten a scoop of sweet cherry and another scoop of sweet potato. Meanwhile, Bob had gotten a simple strawberry. “Little bugger spent an hour lecturing me on the importance of him getting a belly rub because I didn’t rub his belly a bit before going to bed one night. It was long, he had the perfect boring teacher voice, and glued me to a chair so I couldn’t escape the lecture.”
“You will have to let me sample a belly rub at some point then, if Azolf was willing to go such lengths to get you to give him one everyday. I certainly did not mind you scratching the back of my head, or combing my mane with your hands. It was rather relaxing.” Chrysalis said as she took a bite of the cone.
“You could always just ask.” Bob’s smile grew once he saw the Royal Sisters trot up towards the library. “Howdy Luna! I’d run up and hug ya, but I don’t think you want ice cream in your fur.” Luna, for once, was the one to approach her human while meeting in pony for the first time in a few weeks. She cooed when she received a few ear scratches. “How’s helping out with Day Court?”
“It’s going great. Now some ponies are showing up at Night Court once they realize that I can help out just as much as Tia.”
“And you go to such lengths for some ponies, especially the foals,” Celestia giggled. “I know you’ve never had a colt or filly of your own, and I can tell just how badly you want one.”
“...Why doesn’t Luna have a few foals? Ain’t there a solid chance that they’ll be immortal?”
“That’s why I choose not to have foals. What would my theoretical son or daughter think when their father passes away? Especially when my son or daughter wouldn’t look a day older than twenty? Or watch their friends pass for the first time. It has been nearly six thousand years since mine and Tia’s parents passed away, and a little less time than that when we had to say goodbye to our foalhood friends… It was not a pleasant experience, Bob. I do not wish to have any offspring that would suffer that again. Immortality, as wonderful as it is, is a curse .” Luna sighed. “Even if I would kill to just raise a colt or filly just once…”
Bob sighed. “Man, I cannot… I couldn’t even fathom comforting a kid, if I could even have any, about how it’s fine that they’ll never see their childhood friends because my kid wouldn’t age. No chance at a hope of seeing their friends in an afterlife, not even a slither of a light at the end of the long tunnel that would be their life… I cannot even fathom living that long…” Bob stood up and wrapped an arm around Luna. “God, every time we have a talk about your immortality, I just wanna hug and snuggle with you.” Luna giggled.
“Well Bob, I would not be opposed to snuggling with you and Tia later. Though we have a concert to perform tomorrow night.” Of course, Luna silently added Queen Chrysalis to that list of cuddle buddies. “Now hop on my back, we can get to the-”
Chrysalis picked Bob up by his shirt and settled him around(and showed Luna and Celestia her double jointed neck) on her back. “I agreed to spend the day with Bob, and you two being here is just an added bonus and good press. So I will be keeping the human’s attention today, if you two ladies do not mind.” The Queen walked on, human on her back, head held high like any proud monarch… Luna thought the walk was… nice. Very pleasing on the eyes… However, she realized that she would be not only short her human friend for today at the spa, but Chrysalis’s attention may be occupied as well by the human.
“Tia,” Luna said. “Can you distract Bob when we get to the spa? Spend the day with him; I know you’ve been hoping to do that, and actually be his friend.”
“Of course I will. Anything to be friends with Bob! Though… I have a feeling you mostly want me to act as a wing mare, hmm?”
“...Yes. I so, so badly want to take Chrysalis out to dinner some time, and getting to know her first would be a good step in starting something… magical.”
“That was cheesy, Luna.”
“Shut up, Tia!”
At some point, Celestia managed to coax Chrysalis into letting her take the human off her back. The spa ponies had scheduled it so that only the royals and Bob would be in the spa today, so they all decided to take a nice, leisurely stroll through Ponyville until they got to their destination… with a few distractions here and there. Out of all the equines and equine-like creatures present, Celestia and Chrysalis were actually the only two who could comfortably carry Bob without his feet nearly touching the ground.
“You know,” Celestia hummed. “This is rather nice,” she mused as Bob stroked her neck. “I get a personal back scratcher, and you get a free ride.”
“Yeah. It’s pretty cool especially since human feet get more tired than you ponies and your hooves. I can obviously handle walking for long periods of time due to… my history in Equestria, but I also just liked riding Luna’s back; it’s relaxing and she likes it.”
“I also… this is rather enjoyable. It’s like carrying a foal on my back, which is something I always wish I could do.” Celestia nodded.
Meanwhile, since Celestia was leading the way, Chrysalis opted to walk besides Luna. Occasionally the Queen would glance at the Princess whenever she opened her mouth to speak, only to stop before she could possibly embarrass herself. “Out with it, Luna. I know you wish to ask me out on a date, it’s why I gave Bob over to your fat sister over there.” That got ‘HEY’ out of Celestia, but luckily a certain human was able to placate her with a jaw scratch. “I am rather curious to see where a relationship between the two of us will go. You would make for a wonderful mate, after all.”
“And you… would-”
“Live longer than your previous mates?” Luna nodded. “That would be a good reason to date a Queen, though I should warn you that I am not immortal. I can easily push another two thousand years before I would even be considered old, but I can still die from old age. My mother lived to 10,000 years or so before she passed away.”
“I know, she tried waging war on Equestria before I became Nightmare Moon.”
“And then she stopped when she realized that you and Celestia would be fighting each other; it is very unwise to get into a crossfire between two alicorns that were already thousands of years old when that whole debacle happened.” Chrysalis hummed. “You… Do you not seem bothered by this? I figured your turn would be a touchy subject.”
“It is, but I, and Celestia have moved on. I should thank you, you know.” Both mares looked ahead to see Bob, who was now wearing Celestia’s crown, rest his head on the back of the Sun Princess’s back. Of course, Celestia did flinch at first, but refrained from bucking Bob off, or jumping to disturb the now sleepy human; riding on pony back was very relaxing compared to horse back, which can be rough if you don’t ride with a saddle. “If you had not said what you said to Bob, whatever you said to him, about why Tia is the way she is… Then I don’t think she’d giving my human a ride on her back.”
“He is my human, Luna. I hope you understand that. I do try to treat him like a son, after all.”
“No, he is mine . I found him first.”
“May I lay claim to Bob? His fingernails are wonderful for scratching my jaw.”
“You may borrow him on the weekends, sister,” Luna turned to glare at Chrysalis. “My human. Mine.”
Chrysalis chuckled. “I like Bob just as much as either of you two do, even if I can still taste some of Celestia’s hesitation in fully trusting the human. She is giving an effort though, and Bob clearly appreciates it.” The mentioned human was snoring. A few of the ponies that were out and about thought the whole thing was adorable; after learning of the human’s age, most of Ponyville started being much nicer to him.
Some of them would argue that it’s to try and make up for his very public backstory, which is on the back of every vinyl cover of his first album. A few mares even approached Bob to offer him a place under their roof, mainly because they just wanted a colt, but left a little disappointed by the human already being adopted. Essentially, a large portion of Ponyville, even the ones who weren’t the biggest fans of his music, actually watched out for the human.
It was like he was the town’s collective child.
So occasionally a mare would see Bob sleeping on top of Celestia while she walked towards the spa, take a double take, and then faint. Or just gasp and stare while looking about ready to cry. Only to then pass out because of Queen Chrysalis being… rather terrifying.
“Perhaps we can share him if we become mates? I know Bob wouldn’t mind. He doesn’t even argue about us trying to lay claim to him.”
“That’s because he usually refers to me as his Luna, because I am his favorite princess.”
“And he said I am his favorite Queen. He often calls me ‘his changeling’ or something in any letters he sends.”
“Share him,” Celestia suggested. “He has enough hands to give at least two of us a jaw scratch, and it would keep us from tearing each other to shreds.”
“But he only has one lap, and it is pleasant to nap… in.” Luna started blushing when she realized what she just admitted to doing whenever said human was present around her.
“We can turn into fillies for a day,” Chrysalis suggested. “And be just big enough to all fit in his lap.”
“...Excellent idea, Queen Chrysalis,” Celestia giggled. “It would be nice to be treated as a filly again.
Once the group of royals got to the spa, Bob immediately woke up and slid off of Celestia’s back. “Uh… good thing we’re getting washed up at the spa, right, Tia?” Bob asked. He patted the alicorn’s neck, where you could very clearly see dried drool. Princess Celestia slowly turned her head to Bob with a glare that could kill you if it got any more intense. “...Sorry about drooling on your neck?” The alicorn got closer to the human, now being nose to nose with him while keeping that horrifying glare on her face. “Uh…”
Celestia licked his nose. She giggled. “Did you think I was going to hurt you over some drool?”
“...Yeah, kinda. I thought you probably wouldn’t hurt me, on purpose, but god that look you were giving me was giving me second thoughts on if you would hurt me over some drool or not.”
“When you started falling asleep on my back, I kept carrying you for a reason. Besides, it’s not the first time that I’ve been drooled on by a foal before…” Celestia pointed her nose to Luna, who was blushing up a storm since Chrysalis had apparently been teasing her a lot. “Sometimes I get covered in boogers, can you imagine? Luna was a very messy filly.”
“I can imagine anyone that’s three years old would be pretty messy, Celestia.”
“I can’t argue with you on that. I have yet to meet a three year old that cares about being neat.”
After getting checked in, Luna and Chrysalis immediately took towards the bubble hot tub, which was basically what it said on the tin. It was a bubble bath at the same temperature as a hot tub. The only difference was that it actually used a hot spring that happened to be on the same property as the Blossom twins’ property. Bob immediately took towards getting a massage on his burns; some kind of relief, no matter how brief, was worth it to the human.
“You know Bob,” Celestia’s voice sounded as though she were speaking through a fan because of the two hooves karate chopping her back. “I can easily heal every single scar on your body and make them essentially disappear. Luna could as well if you asked, and I know Chrysalis would do so as well. Twilight could too.”
“...Would it make my burns not hurt?”
“I said everything. I would be healing every impurity on you, so the scars, to small things like a half stuffy nose would be healed. Aches, pains, anything, if is bothering you, it will be gone by the time I run a very, very high level healing spell on you.”
“I dunno, I would just like the burns to be gone. Out of everything, those hurt the most, and consistently hurt. I can’t really lean back all the way, since chairs here aren’t built for me, but if I ever get the chance, it ends up hurting a lot. Moving my leg, the burnt one, hurts like hell.”
“You should take the Princess’s offer,” Lotus said as she rubbed the human’s back with burn cream. “If I were in that much pain all the time, I would beg anypony that could heal me. As a pony that lives to make others feel better, physically, I can say that physical health is very important. You’re subconsciously flinching every time I touch one of your burns. That isn’t a good thing, Mr. Bob.”
“Just call me Bob, Lotus; I’m a lot younger than you, so when anyone calls me ‘sir’ or ‘mister’ it feels weird. ‘Sides, I kinda hate getting special treatment. I wanna be treated like how you’d treat any of your customers, not somebody important.”
“This is just how I treat my customers, sir.”
“Fair enough. A country back home, called Japan, had a thing with customer service. If you aren’t treating your guests like royalty, you aren’t doing your job right,” Bob hummed. “Granted, Japanese people are pretty racist. If you’re not Japanese, you wouldn’t even be allowed in certain places like a bar, and most people that are native to Japan, don’t even know how racist they are.”
“...Was Equestria at least friendlier?” Lotus asked. “I’m sorry sir, I just haven’t gotten the chance to read up on your backstory, which somepony put in the newspaper not too long ago.”
“Well, I met a filly that let me pet and scratch her, even tried getting me to stick around and pet her… Her dad immediately tried to murder me.” Lotus cringed. “Yeah. The next town I got to,” Bob pointed at his burnt leg. “Shot an arrow right into my burn. You can guess how good that felt.” The human shrugged. “I’ve nearly been killed so many times that I don’t even flinch if you threaten to shoot me in the head nowadays.”
Celestia paused. “What town shot you with that arrow?”
“I dunno. I know the first town I walked into was called Salt Lick though.”
“So you must’ve gone into Neighber Falls.” She hummed. “Perhaps we can visit, and at least get you something to make up for what happened…” The Princess took a deep breath. “I still hate knowing that is what you’ve gone through. If you had not insisted on taking any punishments, I would’ve taken you to Canterlot at the very least and got you patched up and probably some food.”
“It’s whatever. I do wanna talk to that filly, Zippy or something, the same one I met when I first came to Equestria. If nothing else, she’s adorable, and I wanna tell her it wasn’t her fault that I almost got killed. Poor thing was crying her eyes out and trying to get her dad to back down. It didn’t do anything with a whole town chasing me and throwing stuff at me, but I can tell the kid was a little distraught with what happened.”
“I shall arrange a day off so that we can do just that.”
Meanwhile, Luna and Chrysalis were sitting in the hot tub, chatting away with each other. “So Luna,” The Queen started with her eyes closed. “What would you like to do on a first date?”
“Something simple, like a walk on a moonlit field,” Luna sighed. “Most restaurants are not open when I usually wake up. It’s annoying.”
“I can tell,” Chrysalis hummed. “Perhaps we can head to a changeling Hive; some of my changelings have worked as chefs while trying to disguise themselves. So we could easily eat a gourmet meal after the walk,” she hummed. “But first,” the Queen got close to the Princess’s ear. “You’re going to start acting like my marefriend if you would like to be my marefriend…” The Queen smirked when Luna started getting a bit darker in color. “You and I are going to cuddle in your room when we get to Canterlot.”
“...Yes m’am.” Luna whispered quietly. “Can we start cuddling now?”
“If you fall asleep, I am dragging you until, by the tail, until we get to Canterlot.”
“I…” Luna looked left and right at that declaration. She only hoped the Queen couldn’t sense a bit of hesitation upon being told that. “Okay.”
“Now come here, we shall cuddle!” Chrysalis’s horn lit up and pulled the Princess onto her shoulder. Despite being able to sense emotions, the Queen didn’t notice Luna wanting to get a little bit away from her; she just chucked that up to nervousness. Luna, on the other hoof, wanted to get away. You don’t tell your special somepony that you would happily drag them, through a town, by the tail. What’s worse is that Chrysalis wasn’t teasing, she would’ve dragged Luna through Ponyville with zero cares for if Luna got cut up by rocks, or covered in dirt.
The Princess wanted to get away and get to her human; at least she knows he’ll treat her well.
Author's Note
some of you may guess how this thing between Luna and Chrysalis is gonna go, but I figured this would be a fun side story to the main events.
and maybe, with a certain mirror, Bob may meet his own ‘special somepony’
Bob sat backstage, messing around with the drum machine. Luna was sitting beside him. They had a long list of songs they would be playing with Octavia, who was looking over the sheet music for all the songs. She had none of the titles for said songs, or the lyrics, but it was arranged in order from when each song would be played. Luna and Bob were going to sing three songs together, two were sung exclusively by Luna, another two were just sung by Bob, and a third would be just Bob and Octvavia.
The show was to start in several hours, so the trio were just getting everything set up.
“I have to say, Bob,” Octavia said, overlooking a bit of sheet music. “Some of these pieces look a lot different to the ‘classier’ music I usually play in Canterlot. Given that a lot of these ponies are nobles…”
“They’ll bend over when they see Celestia cheering for some of this. Luna sang one of the few songs I wrote with her, to Celestia without telling me,” he glared at the Princess who promptly blew a raspberry like an adult. “And Tia sent a letter to me saying she’s already a fan…” Bob chuckled. “I had to make due without a saxophone since I don't know how to play one, but…” The human shrugged. “I’m sure everyone’ll like it. The first song does have your name in it, after all.”
“...Why?”
“To poke fun at you. The two of us are gonna be playing string instruments for it,” Bob held up his electric bass. “You’ll be playing your cello, obviously.”
“...I don’t know how to feel about this.”
“You said my violin playing could use some work, so I practiced some, and decided to play the song we’re about to play with a completely different instrument.” Luna picked up the electric bass and strummed it a few times while staring at her own sheet music.
“I didn’t know you could play the bass,” Bob remarked.
“Not very well,” Luna admitted. “Not very quickly either; I don’t know how you picked up on so many instruments.”
“Being a one man indie band sure helped, even if I had to cheat a lot when it came to putting music together.” Bob tapped the drum machine. “I used a computer that was basically a box with a drum machine in it. Except it had several hundred instruments, along with every note those instruments can play, loaded onto it. Using a screen, I could pick an instrument, choose a few notes, and tell the machine when to play them. I did learn the guitar and the other instruments I can play, since a hand played solo is better than one that a machine played most of the time. It was great; I could change the BPM in a heartbeat.”
“That… sounds incredibly useful,” Octavia noted. “Is that why you can play so many instruments?”
“No, it’s how I could use any instrument I wanted without knowing how to play it.” Bob chuckled. “Out of everything from Earth, aside from my family, I would love to get my hands on a computer that is loaded up with as many instruments as you can stuff into it… along with the needed software to put what you write onto vinyl and the software to write music to begin with.” The human shrugged. “I love this drum machine that Filthy Rich gave me, but whenever I fuck up, I have to completely redo a part, which could take hours .”
“Oh boohoo, Mr. ‘I can play fifteen different instruments,” Octavia rolled her eyes.
“Oh, I am so going to love hearing you do that cello solo while trying not to giggle at the first song.”
A few hours later, Bob was taking peeks at the crowd. “Okay, there goes any confidence I had going in,” the human said, turning back to the Cellist and Luna. “I have faced death so many times, and stage fright is what gets me.” The human chuckled. Bob closed his eyes and giggled, before stealing himself. “Well ladies, let’s make these nobles’ brains explode with guitar solos, cool vocals, and a party Princess!” The curtains pulled back once everypony was in place.
There were three microphones, a cello and a bass sat near one of the microphones. four various instruments, including Bob’s old guitar, sat near another, and one off to the side. Essentially Bob would be taking center stage, but Luna would be rearranging everything as needed with her magic.
“Good evening, everypony,” Octavia said, walking up to the mic in the center stage. “As you all know, I am Octavia Melody. Tonight will be a lot different from my usual concerts; tonight I am accompanied by Bob,” there was some cheering in the crowd. Up in the box, in the Canterlot Theater, sat Princess Celestia, the Elements of Harmony and Twilight’s family. Cadance and Shining Armor managed to take a train from the Crystal Empire and catch the show as well, as they were in their own box.
All the cheers were from ponies in Ponyville who had come to watch Bob play alongside a musician that was popular across all of Equus . “And surprisingly, the Princess of the Night, the Mare in the Moon herself… Princess Luna will be performing alongside us for some of the songs that we will be playing tonight. Everything being played tonight was written, and mostly, performed by Bob and co-written by Luna; I will be following their lead throughout the show.”
Bob sat down by the bass as Octavia took to her cello, which was right beside Bob. “With that said, everyone, sit back, relax. The first song is from a genre from home, but something I entirely wrote myself… one about my good friend Octavia Melody.” The mentioned cellist took a moment to realize that Bob had the electric bass on his back, with the actual bass that was rented, was still on the stand even if Bob was still able to play it.
Bob started out on the classical bass once the drum machine started playing the piano parts that Bob had pre-recorded. Luna helped with backup vocals, and as soon as the earth pony’s name was mentioned, Octavia actually snorted, before a genuine smile found its way on her face as the chorus started. As soon as said chorus started, Bob ditched the classical bass to begin playing the electric bass with practiced ease. The song was so different from what the cellist was used to playing, and she wasn’t complaining about it.
After all, it was a song making a friendly jab at her. And she had to admit, Bob’s bass skills were impressive, mostly on the electric bass side of things. Of course, Luna was just happy to be there. Bob caught Chrysalis’ hungry eyes as she watched the Moon Princess perform… actually a lot of ponies in the crowd were trying to get a few peeks at Luna’s legs, or following her mane as she performed.
Especially the mares; they were trying to get looks at the Princess’s flanks.
The crowd started politely clapping… well, the noble parts of the crowd. Everypony else was cheering… And Celestia was so loud that she almost reached the Canterlot Royal Voice levels and might’ve cracked the glass in the royal box. The next few songs were promptly performed, and the crowd was loving it.
A song that Luna specifically wrote about Nightmare Night was a bit polarizing, namely because most ponies haven’t even heard of rap. A few times, Bob and Octavia would stick together and play the violin and cello, with the former having vastly improved since his last concert, getting a few surprised looks from the cellist. Meanwhile, during these bits of pure instrumentality, Luna sat and swayed side to side. Meanwhile, the human got a lot of weird looks when he chose to pluck the strings of his violin, especially from the nobles.
Bob soon picked up an electric guitar and walked over to the drum machine.
“Aight ladies and gents, fillies and gentlecolts, my bad,” Bob chuckled. “So as you know, Princess Luna usually rules over the Night, but did y’all know what else she loves doing?” Bob walked over to the drum machine and slid a new vinyl into it. Luna was now properly vibrating with excitement, she grabbed the microphone with her magic as soon as Bob started the track. The human looped the bass sound before bolting to the piano. Octavia caught on pretty quickly, switching to the classic bass in favor of her cello.
Needless to say… As soon as Luna started singing , the crowd exploded. Bob specifically worked overtime, playing a saxophone, not by sheet music, but by remembering finger placements that he had experimented with in between his parts on piano. Luna spun around, tears of joy were streaming down her cheeks as she danced and constantly drank in the looks she was receiving from the crowd.
No longer were the nobles of Canterlot looking at her with mild disgust or fear, no, they were staring at her with wide eyes of shock. She even caught a few stallions taking a peek at her flanks while she spun around and danced to the beat. The ponies from Ponyville, along with a few stragglers who were fans of Octavia or her human friend, were smiling brightly as they watched what was ‘presumably an evil Princess of Nightmares’ dance and swing to the song she had worked so hard on, weeks of practicing, writing with the help of her human, and test running instrumentals that Bob had written for the song… All of them boiled down into this moment where she was repainting her image as a Princess… who was just like the rest of her subjects.
A mare looking to have a good time at night.
Towards the end, Bob hopped off the piano bench, and joined Luna while she sang her heart out. “The two of them danced for a bit while Octavia closed out the song with the drum machine. The use of the drum machine was making a lot of nobles give the human the stink eye; it isn’t proper art if he’s using machines to perform. The only reason why the nobles hadn’t chased Bob off stage was because of Octavia being there, and, in their eyes, his somewhat lackluster live performances of any of the instruments he actually played on stage.
And the Princess that would vicerate them for hurting her favorite human. That was a good deterrent to the nobles.
Bob laughed as the song concluded beside Luna, who had fallen on her rump and was wiping the tears from her eyes. “How was it, Lulu?” Bob whispered, not realizing that Luna was still holding the mic rather close to their mouths. That… elicited an ‘aw’ from the crowd. Celestia’s wings ruffled; she was a bit jealous of Bob being allowed to use that nickname because that was exclusive for her usage. However, the sheer amount of joy, and Celestia finding the gesture to be adorable anyways, stopped her from holding any anger towards the human.
That and he might as well be Luna’s brother at this point, with how close the two of them. So Celestia had to tell herself that Bob earned it.
“It was… truly wonderful. Perhaps we should do this another time?” Luna nuzzled the human, before trying to stand… only to find her legs were a little too shaky. “Sorry Bob, I know the next song that you had planned was meant to mean a lot to you,” she giggled. “But I don’t think- BOB WHAT THE BUCK? NOT IN PUBLIC!” Bob, with his now aching back, carried Luna bridle style over to the piano for her to rest. That got a lot of laughs, a bunch of stink eyes from the nobles, and a snicker from Octavia. Because now both the Moon and the Human realized that everything that was said between the two of them was broadcasted to the entire crowd.
Bob snickered to himself, despite the blush on his cheeks sticking out like a sore thumb, and walked up to the mic in the center of the stage. Luna was resting on the piano bench, burying her face in her wings and squealing, having dismantled the microphone because she couldn’t figure out how to take it apart. “Sorry about that everybody, me and Luna just got a bit carried away with how this all worked out. Believe it or not, over the last few months… Me and Luna have gotten super close, and we both wanted to perform on stage together at least once.
“Seeing you all love what Luna essentially built from the ground up brings me just happiness as it brings Luna. Thank you all…” Bob took a deep breath. However, on a heavier topic, I believe today marks the two year anniversary of me coming to Equestria. As you all might know, I am a human being, or a mini-sasquatch. Over the last two years, I’ve been through a lot. Nearly faced death more times than I can count on my fingers, I’ve gotten into fist fights with ponies over food, and never did I think I’d ever be friends with a pony princess, or perform for ponies without immediately getting blasted with spells or arrows.
“And Princess Luna, or Lulu as you all heard me call her, was one of the main reasons why I’m not dead. Had she not found when she did, I either woulda killed myself, froze to death in the Everfree Forest, or got eaten by timber wolves. So seeing some ponies finally reaccept her means so much more to me than if I ever get widely accepted by any of you…” The human chuckled humorlessly. “This next song is a solo performance. I didn’t record anything using that ‘evil’ drum machine behind me. Tonight, for this song, I just have my guitar, my voice, and my heart.
“Over the last year, when I stopped having to worry about my next meal, I came to another realization. I am not of this world, I am not native to Equestria. With that in mind, I can never go home, I can never ever see my biological parents ever again. And while a certain family in Canterlot have done well to alleviate that, I still keep thinking about my father and my brothers. This… isn’t a song I wrote, rather it’s a song that somebody else wrote, but it’s something special to me.
“It’s one of the first songs I learnt how to play, that I played with my brothers and father sitting on the couch while I gave them a performance. A song about how it feels to come home .”
By the time the song was done, Bob gently set his guitar down, sitting with his legs crossed, resting his chin in his hands. The crowd was silent while the curtains fell. The show was over. He sighed and leaned back, propping himself with his hands. “Fuck, I’m not going home,” the human chuckled as he stood up.
“Bob…” Octavia trotted up to the human. “I cannot begin to fathom what it must feel like for you-”
“Hey…” Bob booped the mare on the nose. “I may not be able to go ‘home’ but I can make one in Equestria. I got my Luna, I got Twilight and her family, I’m now more famous than I thought I’d ever be for being a musician, and I’m rich. I… I miss home, obviously. I miss my biological family, but home is where you make it, and the people that make you feel welcomed. So,” Bob stood up. “C’mon guys, I have six friends, Princess Celestia, Queen Chrysalis, Twilight Sparkle’s whole family, and Luna. Now, I’ve got you, and don’t think I didn’t see Vinyl in the crowd. Let’s get our friends and go party, eh?”
“That… You moved on from seeming depressed rather quickly.”
“Yeah. I may not be fully okay, but I can pretend to be. I just try to keep my mind off of the bad things and focus on what I’ve got, and what I have right now is something I’ll cherish until I die.”
Bob walked over to Luna, who was now just staring at the human. She didn’t even register the fact that the human had picked her up and started heading towards the stairs of the stage to meet any ponies that had backstage passes. Instead of uttering a word, she simply nuzzled her cheek into the side of Bob’s neck, and kept her head resting there. Bob may not look at it on the surface, but the Moon could tell that Bob needed the snuggles right now.
And she was going to provide them as best as she could…
Those plans were thrown at the window when Chrysalis snatched her from Bob the very moment that she met up with them. For a brief moment, Bob stopped, now missing the familiar, heavy yet relaxing, weight in his arms. Luckily for Luna, her older sister was there to fill in the shoes for her now absence in comforting him. She felt a little mad; Chrysalis could probably sense how Bob was feeling, and she ignored it… to try and spend the rest of the night with her , rather than letting the Princess comfort her best friend.
Of course, Bob looked just a little betrayed by what Chrysalis had just done, so he sat down on a bench. Shining Armor went into full guard mode, keeping most of the ponies who wanted to speak with him away unless Bob requested they be let through. Even the older stallion could tell Bob wasn’t feeling the greatest after his last song. “Hey Bob, if you’re not feeling great,” Cadance nuzzled him. “Me and Shiny still have our house here in Canterlot, if you’d like you can spend the night with us…”
“...That would be nice. I just wanna go, sit on a couch while snuggling a fluffy pony,” Bob noted as Chrysalis dragged Luna out the door. “And somebody just stole the pony I was gonna cuddle with… Make sure you thank Shining for me if I don’t get the chance to. I don’t think I can deal with any fans with how shit I’m feeling. I feel a wee bit empty, if you know what I mean.”
“Of course I do, Bob. My abilities may not be as good as a changeling’s, but I can sense your emotions. You’re clearly depressed after that,” the Princess of Love nuzzled her little brother in law. “I think everypony’s about to get moving. C’mon, the rest of the family will be spending the night over with us, and I’m certain one of us can get you out of this ditch.”
“Can I snuggle with Shining Armor?” The stallion’s ears flicked in his direction when he asked that. A small, proud smile on his face formed, before he went back into guard mode to redirect a pair of mares away from the human.
“Of course!” Cadance lowered herself to the ground, making the human raise an eyebrow. “Do you not want to be carried on my back?”
“Are you okay with it?” Bob asked. Cadance gave him a ‘really?’ look. “Okay… If I’m too heavy, just say something.” Bob climbed on the Princess, and eventually somehow found himself resting his chin on Shining Armor’s mane, just between the ears. The stallion was gleaming with delight that he could now bond with his younger, otherworldly sibling even more now.
Bob sat and stared at the newspaper, after he passed out on Cadance’s back, the rest of the night was a bit of a blur for him. He just knew that Luna got dragged off with Chrysalis, despite the two of them agreeing to cuddle together and relax after the stress and joy of a successful concert. The human was now a few thousand bits richer, thanks to the ticket sales alone. With Filthy Rich being Bob’s main retailer for his albums, that would soon rake in more bits than he could ever hope to find a use for. What Bob does remember was waking up to Shining Armor peering down on him with a big smile on his face…
When the two males started cuddling was beyond him, but Bob didn’t particularly mind one bit. At least in a world of magical ponies, he still has at least one older brother to look up to… Even if that older brother couldn’t be around all the time because he had to immediately leave at noon with Cadance to go rule a whole kingdom. The human hadn’t heard from Luna since she got dragged away by Chrysalis, so that was how the human’s morning went the following evening.
The newspaper finally stopped by today, and Bob was currently reading what the press thought of his work.
Though there was a mixed reception amongst the nobles of Canterlot, Princess Celestia seems to be a huge fan of Bob the Human’s band that he had formed with her younger sister. With the fun atmosphere that the concert held, along with help from Octavia Melody, a world renowned cellist, it was truly a remarkable experience. While the genre of ‘swing music’ is rather new as Mr. Bob had come up with it seemingly on the spot; it already has a growing number of fans in Canterlot and Ponyville.
What seems truly remarkable is the level of skill that Bob possessed with any of the instruments that he actually played on stage. In an interview, Octavia says the following:
“While Bob’s ability to play a violin is by no means Equus shattering, the fact that he was able to improve so quickly is shocking. While I can play an assortment of string instruments, those are all fairly similar to each other. Meanwhile, I believe Bob’s range of instruments does not stop with what he’s played on stage if that drum machine he loves to use is any indicator. He has to know how to play the drums, or else he wouldn’t have the machine, for instance. Though the ones he does not play on stage are probably the instruments he is not very confident in playing.”
Bob chuckled at how on the nose Octavia was with that.
“How did you feel about Bob making a song that ‘called you out’ as he said on stage?” Was the next question in the interview.
“I found it rather silly, but I do understand why. Given how much Bob improved with string instruments, after I made a comment on his skills with the violin being subpar, I figured that was a fun little jab at me. Obviously the two of us have nothing against each other. In fact, this morning, Bob found my hotel room and spent some time with myself and Vinyl. And to empathize that there was no bad blood between us. It ended with the two of us using him as a pillow and him scratching our ears. Really, from what I keep hearing about how most of Equestria sees him, I expected Bob to be less of a sweetheart.
“Get on his good side, and he’s one of the nicest… humans you’ll ever meet. Well, the only human you’ll ever meet, given what he said last night.” That was as far into the interview that Bob wanted to read; he just wanted to make sure he and Tavi were still cool… Perhaps he should poke at Vinyl next, nothing serious, just make fun of her for using Electronics in her music. It would be funny and a bit ironic given his own reliance on a drum machine to perform on stage, or his speech about using a computer to make music back home, and it would give him an excuse to work with the DJ.
After all, that day he spent over at Tavi and Vinyl’s hotel was pretty fun.
Then he got to the section that really made his day; the parts about Luna.
Many say that they knew of Princess Luna, but thought of her as the mean one of the two sisters . Bob chuckled at the photo shown with the article. It was when Luna got done singing Paint the Moon Red, and she was so happy and so shaky that she couldn’t stand. There were a few more photos of some of the dance moves the two of them shared while singing the song, and even more while the two cuddled and tried to ‘whisper’ to each other while Luna accidentally held the microphone too close to them to have a private conversation.
He read a few more reviews and deflated slightly. A vast majority of the more snobbish ponies that came for Octavia were insulting him for said use of a drum machine, saying his sense of music theory was awful even though Bob was willing to bet half the nobles couldn’t tell a diad from a triad. Or how Octavia was willing to work with two monsters… Until he got to somebody named Fancy Pants, and it was… actually pretty nice.
A few more reviews mainly just said they didn’t like the style of music, or didn’t like some of the topics, with some of them being far too ‘dark’ or too vulgar. Especially the songs that Bob specifically had written or had covered during the concert. Those, he could handle; some people won’t love everything he’ll ever make, after all.
It wasn’t much, but Fancy Pants mostly voiced how, while he couldn’t enjoy a lot of the rock songs that Bob and Luna played, he did love the swing music. He also acknowledged how hard it must’ve been to be performing on stage at Bob’s age, and how impressed he was… essentially Fancy Pants was just impressed with what Bob could do, and was incredibly surprised that Luna could sing so well. Fancy Pants wanted to see more of what Bob could do. That alone made the human smile just a little.
Surprisingly, somebody named Fleur De Lis said she really liked the rock style of music, and wanted to try and find where Bob lived so that she could hire him to play some at some of her parties. Bob, of course, decided not to mail anything to any nobles for the time being; he’d rather live his life for now before he got serious with any sort of business, especially one as a musician. He’s still riding high off of the money he's made and has no use for, so he had no need to start taking gigs just yet.
The door clicked open and three sets of tiny little hooves on hardwood made the human look up from his newspaper. Twilight and Spike had gone out for groceries, with bits that Bob literally had to make the unicorn take, and so Bob was alone in the library. “Hey Bob!” The human set down his newspaper to see… Three fillies, the Cutie Mark Crusaders to be exact. The three fillies chorused their greetings and beamed up with him huge smiles. “We have an idea for us to try out! Wanna hear it?”
“You know what?” The human grinned. “Alright,” the human set the newspaper on the table before hopping on the floor. Each filly got their ‘greetings ear scritches’ and whatnot. “So, what are we doing today?” He asked after giving Apple Bloom a last minute ear scritch.
“We were thinking…” Sweetie Belle started.
“That you looked a little lonely sometimes,” Apple Bloom added. That made Bob raise an eyebrow.
“And we still need our Cutie Marks…” Scootaloo finished.
“So we wanted to get our MATCHMAKER CUTIE MARKS!” Bob blinked a couple of times.
“Wot?” The poor kid looked a bit bewildered.
“We want to find you a special somepony!”
Bob raised an eyebrow before turning his head towards Azolf. The changeling had managed to cram himself into one of the few bookshelves in the library that was empty; a common habit from the changeling. The changeling slowly shook his head; the human was on his own. After all, three excitable fillies had enough excitement in them to make the changeling feel high, apparently, so Azolf couldn’t help if he wanted to.
That was a lie; Azolf just didn’t wanna get dragged into whatever the Crusaders could brew up.
The human’s shoulders drooped for just a moment. “Why do you girls want to get me hooked up with somebody?” Bob asked.
“Well, it’s Hearts and Hooves Day.” Bob looked at the calendar on the wall. While the calendar seemed to match the one most people on the North American continent use, there were a few differences. For instance, autumn and winter were towards the end of the year, with the dates for when both seasons would start and end being present on the calendar. Another thing, Spring and Summer were at the start.
Spring started in Prancuary, or the pony’s equivalent to January. Summer started in Hoofne, or June’s equivalent, no matter how poor that attempt at horseshoeing a pony related pun that month’s name was. Thanksgiving wasn’t present at all, and neither were several American holidays.
However, there is a Unification Day, which happens in Fily, or July. Hearth’s Warming happened the same day that Thanksgiving was supposed to happen, Neighvember Seventeenth, or November for any non-equine-creatures reading. Hearts and Hooves day, or the pony version of Valentine's day, was in March(no pony pun for March) as opposed to February, for whatever reason.
The human read the date… March Fourteenth.
“Why do you kiddos want to find me a date today?”
“Duh, it would be romantic,” Sweetie Belle said.
“And you’re a big pony, Bob. It has to be lonely for you on the day that’s all about your special somepony!” Apple Bloom added.
“And we could possibly get our Cutie Marks… No matter how sappy our marks are,” Scootaloo cringed at the idea of playing matchmaker. “Plus, you help us with homework and tutor us, so we figured we could return the favor.”
“Where’s Arrow?” Bob asked. The colt was very clearly not present despite being an official member of the Crusaders.
“Arrow’s pretty weird,” Scootaloo shrugged. “He said he couldn’t come crusading because ‘I wanna spend the day with my favorite mare in the world’ or whatever. He’s spending the day with his mother for some reason,” she waved a hoof. “It’s pretty… Why are you looking like that, Bob?” The pegasus asked.
“Well,” Bob was holding a hand up to his mouth. He had let out a very silent gasp; hearing how his little colt wanted nothing more to spend the holiday with his mom… That sounded absolutely adorable and a lot like quality mother and son snuggles… Bob chuckled at the idea before shrugging; he now knew what to do when Mother’s Day rolled around during Neigh(May). “Fuck, that sounds like something I woulda loved to do when I was eight, too.”
“Why would anypony do that?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“To a young boy, or colt, your mother’s your most important person in your life. She brought you into the world, and she’ll love you more than anything. If I ever even knew my mother, I would’ve done just what Arrow’s doing right now…” The human shook his head before taking a deep breath. “So, how are you three going to hook me up with somebody?”
“We had a few ponies in mind,” Scootaloo said. The human raised an eyebrow and kept it raised when he was brought up to Rainbow Dash and left with her. The fillies had hidden in a bush a ways away, but probably close to hear the human and cyan pegasus talk to each other.
“So Scootaloo and her friends wanted us to date?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Yeah, apparently. The Crusaders want us to go on a date or something. They’ve got a list of ponies, and Scoots was very forward with who she wanted me to swing at first. Because apparently you’re her favorite pegasus, which is understandable, and I’m her favorite human.” The human shrugged. “Aren’t you into mares?”
“Well… sorta.” Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her head. “It’s pretty common, especially in mare dominated towns, to have mare only relationships. I personally wouldn’t mind if I had a coltfriend or a marefriend…” she hummed. “Wait, wouldn't dating be really weird for us? You’re only sixteen and all.”
“Man, fuck if I know. I read a law book, and as long as a foal is over thirteen and has their mark, they can consent, but are usually discouraged from consenting to any random stranger they meet. Since I’m not a pony, if I’m close to being physically mature, or am physically mature, by law I would be an adult. I’m only sixteen and, in the country I was from, eighteen is when you’re an adult. Same case in a lot of other countries actually. Luna and Celestia just don’t want me to date either of them until I’m a little older and had ‘seen the world’ or whatever,” Bob shrugged. “How old are you, anyways??”
“I’m twenty,” Rainbow answered.
“...But ponies aren’t considered full adults until twenty five?” The mare nodded. “I guess it’s kinda like humans, in a sense. Humans aren’t considered fully mature until twenty five, but by law, you’re an adult at eighteen. I guess ponies generally consider themselves adults at eighteen?” The pegasus nodded again. “I guess… It wouldn’t be too weird to me; my school had fourteen to twenty year olds. It wasn’t uncommon for there to be sixteen year olds that are dating twenty year old kids.” The human paused. “And I’m gonna be seventeen during Neighvember, so there’s that.”
“Meh, I was hoping to actually get to know you, y’know,” the human raised an eyebrow. “You spend so much time in that library, that the rest of us think you just don’t want to do anything other than sit around.” The pegasus added. “Plus with you being a musician apparently, we also assume you’re trying to come up with your next big hit.”
“...Music’s a hobby that happens to be bringing in a shitload of bits, Dash. You guys just never stopped by so I assumed y’all had something better to do than hang out with me. After all, I am quite literally Twilight’s weird little brother that sometimes tags along on her adventures with y’all.”
“You’re not that weird, Bob,” the pair turn to the bush to see Scootaloo complain about the two of them not doing something other than stand around and talk. Apparently she expected them to be kissing by now. That got an eye roll from both mare and man. “I think you’re cool at least,” the pegasus looked around. “Don’t tell anyone I told you that.” The human nodded in agreement to that. Hearing some form of praise from the cyan mare was weird.
“Wanna just go to the park or walk around? I’m sure we can think of something to do as a ‘date’. We’ll really just be hanging out to appease those three,” Bob pointed at the bush. “I’m scared of what they’d do if I ran through their list of ponies and found nopony I loved on the spot.” Rainbow Dash couldn’t really argue with that logic, so the two did just that. They walked around town, with Bob making a quick pit stop at the library for some bits and his trusty, old acoustic guitar.
From there, the two went to an ice cream shop. After placing their order, Rainbow Dash pulled out a coin purse from a pocket on her left flank, just underneath the cutie mark. Bob never knew that was there, since Twilight usually just teleported things to her. And most of the ponies he hung out with happened to be very talented with magic, so they probably never used their literal butt pockets. “Hey,” Bob said, pulling his own coin purse out. “I thought I was paying.”
“But…” Rainbow Dash started. “The mare usually pays for the stallion on dates. That’s what Twilight said after reading a book on dating. Heck, it’s what my Mom did for my Dad. it’s… kinda common since mares usually outnumber stallions... By a lot.”
“On Earth, the guy pays to be a gentleman to their date. Though it gets a little odd with same sex relationships and whatnot…” The human sighed. “How about I pay? I know that you’re probably doing fine on bits, with you being the local weather captain and all, but I literally have ten thousand bits lying around in the storage closet of the library and I need something to do with them. If somehow, this makes us a legitimate couple, then we can take turns.”
The mare’s ears shot straight up before she eyed Bob somewhat closely “That sounds fair… wait, you said ten thousand bits?” Rainbow asked, her voiced raised slightly due to how impressed she was.
That got a nod out of Bob. “That’s just what I got from the concert up in Canterlot. That’s just from ticket sales by the way. I don’t know how much money I’ve got, but I’ve got tons and I wanna either donate all of it, or buy my own house eventually. Possibly in Canterlot so I could see Luna more often, but I also don’t wanna leave Ponyville behind.”
“Why’s that?” Rainbow Dash asked. “The stay in Ponyville bit. You could live anywhere you want with your bits!
“Well, I dunno how Canterlot would react to me moving in. At least Ponyville’s been treating me a lot better since the first concert. Hell, some mares still stop me on the street to give me a hug and tell me they’re sorry for the shitshow that was my first year in Equestria. Or to offer me candy like I’m a cute little colt that needs love and affection…” The human chuckled after placing enough bits to pay for the bill, and a couple dozen more into the tip jar. That got a nod out of the pegasus. “It’s nice, but it’s like every single mare in town, besides you and the rest of our friends, are trying to baby me. I also just like how quiet it is here. The city I grew up in was noisy as hell and had a small… oh I dunno, ten million humans in it. I’ve gotten used to the quiet and not very polluted air. Plus if I move, I can’t see Twilight all that often, and I use her as a teddy bear sometimes when I’m really feeling the need for affection.”
Rainbow snickered at that. That will certainly be used to tease the lavender unicorn later. “That… sounds like you and Twilight should be dating. Instead of you know, us dating.”
“Fuck that,” Bob said in a heartbeat. “She’s my adoptive sister. I don’t care how socially different Equestria is from America; I ain’t dating somebody that’s legally considered my sister, who I very much see as a sister.” The human paused. “Though Twilight’s whole family is a lot cuddlier and more touchy than my biological one. Like my brothers and I were super close, I loved my dad, but we usually never cuddled on the couch or anything like that. Shining Armor, despite everything I thought, is a huge cuddlebug. Hell, the only pony I know isn’t a super huge cuddle bug is you , Rainbow.”
“I’m not a fan of that touchy stuff,” the pegasus shrugged. “I wouldn’t say no to a hug, though. Nopony would say no to a hug…” Rainbow paused. “I usually tolerate hugs though,” her eyes shot to the left pretty quickly as she said that.
“I sure wouldn’t miss a hug from a pony. For how dangerous all of y’all are, you’re soft as hell. It’s like hugging a samoyed,” Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow while licking her cone, a nice three scoop of cookies and cream(Rainbow thought she would be paying, so she treated herself a bit). “Those are a dog breed from home, really fluffy snow dogs…” The human shook his head. “So, what do you wanna do after we eat this stuff? I’m sure you’d be as fun to watch as the Wonderbolts,” the human hummed.
And then chuckled when Rainbow Dash started gushing over the Wonderbolts. “Of course, I could put on a private show for you. May a Wonderbolt maybe in town one day and-”
“Holy, you get more excited than I do when I heard that Bo Burnham was performing in New York, he’s the dude that wrote a world on fire, the greatest song in history.” Rainbow snickered at that. “But seriously, I do wanna see what stunt flying is like. I probably wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate how cool it is, especially since I don’t have wings, but I thought stunt jet fliers were pretty cool.”
“I’ll show you a few tricks,” the pegasus hummed before pointing at the guitar on his back. “Perhaps you should play something before that though, while the ice cream sits. I bet it would be cool.”
“Nah, you fly after the ice cream properly sits, then I come up with a song on the spot for ya. Then I sing that song. Sounds cool?”
“Yeah!” Rainbow grinned.
The two ended up going to the park, where several more ponies actually gathered to see the local bigshot. There were a few ponies actually whispering about how Bob and Rainbow Dash were actually together on Hearts and Hooves Day. Rainbow just did another summersault and started barrel rolling at Bob’s shouts of joy. The human himself had to admit that… Pony stunt flyers were simply cooler than jet flyers. Especially with how as Rainbow flew, she left the Rainbow’s tail, or a rainbow trail in the sky as she flew through on by. Rainbow came skidding to a halt in front of Bob, but didn’t exactly time her stop well. She stumbled until the human caught her and managed to not get toppled over; the pegasus managed to slow herself enough before she actually crashed into him.
“You good, Dash?” Bob asked. Rainbow pulled her face out of the human’s chest, before slowly looking up at him. The human looked genuinely concerned, which actually shocked the stuntmare. “You didn’t exactly have the most graceful landing. Didn’t sprain or twist anything?” Bob got on his knees and held one of Rainbow’s forelegs while she kept staring him over. Only then did she notice something. Nopony couldn’t exactly make them out, mostly due to the numerous amounts of scars that the human had accumulated throughout his time in the wild…
But the human actually had decent muscle tone. By no means was he a huge mass of muscle like Big Macintosh, but Bob did have a good amount of muscle on him. They were well toned, despite how the guy was never the strongest or most athletic person in the room. And while Bob was human, so he didn’t exactly strike Rainbow Dash as attractive, she didn’t mind wondering if Bob could actually hold her. To top it off, she was by no means hurt, yet Bob was checking her legs and wings for injuries at what he perceived wasn’t a smooth landing.
Truth be told, Rainbow Dash was perfectly fine; she could shrug off crashing into mountains. The gesture Bob was displaying was still touching even if Rainbow couldn’t admit it… Why are my cheeks feeling warm… were the pegasus’s thoughts before she hid her gasp under a groan.
“Come on Bob, you’ve had to see me have worse landings. I’m fine!”
“I just wanted to make sure,” Bob said. “Despite how much time we’ve been able to spend together, I do consider you guys good friends of mine.” The human couldn’t see Rainbow’s blush through her coat. After he had let Rainbow’s hoof go, he ruffled her mane, which felt… surprisingly good to the pegasus. Given how she was never one to worry about the state of her mane, Rainbow didn’t mind it either. “Well, I can safely say I wanna see another performance from you.” The pegasus chuckled a little at that. “Are you sure you’re alright? I figured by now that you would have eaten that praise up.”
“I’m good, I’m good. I just haven’t had my nap yet.” Rainbow insisted.
“Aighty.” The two of them soon found themselves sitting under a tree, with Rainbow sitting and facing the human. Ponies were still gathered around, mostly fans of Bob, who were more than happy to see their favorite, foreign artist perform. “Well, Dash. I said I would come up with a song for you on the spot, so forgive me if it sounds like shit.” The human strummed the guitar a couple of times before hitting in various ways to make it sound like a drum. He did this a couple more times, quickly working together a chord progression and a beat before playing the beat and the chords at the same time. The display in of itself seemed like a flex on the human’s part, but he had clearly lost himself long before he started playing. He had quickly lost himself while working the chords out with what he was looping. The crowd had grown considerably more as Rainbow found herself actually really enjoying the improvised theme song that Bob had worked out for her.
It was a bit messy and sloppy, as any improvised song would be. However, Bob either didn’t notice or rolled with it.
Twilight had stopped by, along with the rest of her friends. The most musically inclined pony, Rarity, stopped when Bob’s voice dropped two octaves out of the blue during the second chorus. “My word, Bob sure has improved, hasn’t he?” The alabaster unicorn asked the lavender unicorn.
“Well, Bob was talking about something called ‘subharmonics’ whatever the buck that meant. Bob said it was some weird cheat code to hit lower notes, and he had been trying to get it to do it for a while now,” Twilight smiled like a proud parent. “He clearly figured out how to do it without stopping his performance.”
“Twilight, Bob’s voice is currently deeper than Bic Mac’s,” Apple Jack pointed out. “And he’s supposed to be the ‘bass singer’ in the Pony Tones,” Apple Jack added as Bob’s voice quickly jumped back into its normal range. “That colt’s got a few tricks up his sleeves apparently.”
“Nevermind that dear,” Rarity waved with a hoof, even though she planned on asking Bob to teach Big Mac how to hit those incredibly deep notes. “Look at Dashie!” She gushed. “She’s clearly embarrassed and enthralled by our human’s little song.” By the time the song stopped, Bob made a whistle-like noise before coughing.
“I am not good at hitting high notes with my head voice,” the human coughed a couple of times. While Bob set the guitar aside and coughed his lungs up, Rainbow Dash crawled up in his lap before taking her afternoon nap. “I’m glad you could be of assistance, you useless equine,” Bob’s now raspy voice choked out before he grabbed the water bottle beside him and chugged it. The human chuckled, before lifting Dash’s left hind leg, that was dangling off his lap, and tucking it in for her.
There was at least one journalist in the crowd, judging by the pony running away with a camera strapped around their neck. “Looks like this is going in the papers,” Apple Jack snickered.
“Forget that,” Spike waved a claw. “I think Bob just found himself a special somepony on accident.”
“It sure does look like it, doesn’t it?” Rarity squealed. “I always thought Dashie was into mares!”
“Oh, I cannot wait to host their wedding reception!” Pinkie squealed. “I was hoping that Bob and Luna became a couple instead, but somenuggy had to do something stupid and toss this in from left field!” Pinkie bounced. “Well, back to the shipping board… Don’t tell Princess Cadance, or she will hunt me down!” Before anypony could question what the party pony just said, Pinkie ran off and disappeared, leaving nothing but confetti behind.
Bob and Rainbow Dash weren’t any wiser to the conversation. Bob just idly stroked the sleeping mare in his lap before taking a nap himself.
Author's Note
Next chapter may just straight up be a letter from our favorite princess and how her hearts and hooves day went. one detailing one of the few highlights of dating a changeling queen.
i woulda stuck it on this chapter, but this chapter is also damn near 5,000 words long.
A Message From Best Princess
Dear Bob,
I know that you are getting this a week after Hearts and Hooves day, but I figured this would be appropriate for you since I’ve not been able to sit down and write a letter for you the week before this. I would… I would like to thank you. The concert was an excellent idea for changing my image, as ponies no longer run away when I make a public appearance or tolerate me when Celestia is present. Now they ask for an autograph! While my sister and I are a special case for alicorns, with our life spans being tied to the Sun and Moon, I long for the day you are at least twenty years old.
While you have definitely seen more than any child your age should ever see, it would still be odd if I, at three thousand, two hundred, and eighty seven years, started dating somepony that is only just becoming seventeen, wouldn’t it? But once you are at least twenty, do consider sending me a letter; if you are already dating somepony, perhaps we can start a herd. Either myself and Tia can have up to sixteen consorts!
Sorry for getting off topic, I want to tell you what I did on Hearts and Hooves Day!
So, as you know, Chrysalis and I are… dating, I suppose. It is a bit scary, since Chrysalis is clearly a bit psychotic and threatened to drag me through town if I fell asleep while cuddling with her. I only hope that there is actually something redeemable about Chrysalis personality-wise. Clearly she does if you are apparently good friends with her, right?
Anyways, Chrysalis figured she would show up at my bedchambers in the middle of the day, when I am trying to sleep… just to cuddle with me. She laid her head on my neck, and that’s how I found her at nightfall. To say that Chrysalis doesn’t at least look adorable while snoozing away like that is… an understatement. In fact, she’s so bucking cute! She snores like a little puppy, which is absolutely adorable! When I commented on that, she snorted and growled at the notion, but didn’t argue with being called adorable, luckily.
However, if you call me cute, Bob, I will like your eye again.
The two of us mostly spent the night, while I did my duties, chatting away. On occasion, my… marefriend, I suppose, did actually lend a hoof and we got a significant amount of paperwork done. Since Celestia is getting back into trusting me with more and more of my old duties, I have been getting more paperwork, which does make it hard to find time to write to you. However, this is quite nice; as I said, I am a ruler first, a musician second after all. I quite enjoy the calm and quiet of just reading boring, absolutely dreadful bills with little to no sustenance.
It sounds like I am a psychopath, and I probably am, but I usually take care of my subjects’ nightmares. Sometimes I do peek in on what you’re dreaming about, by the way. You dream of sharks eating hayburgers for some reason. But nightmares… aren’t exactly a relaxing duty of mine, so if I can do some boring paperwork to calm myself down after doing nightmares, I will.
Chrysalis was incredibly insightful on bills, and while she couldn’t sign on anything, did provide good arguments for why something should be signed. A lot of which had to do with changelings, but given who I am dating, it does make sense.
Anywho, after the two of us got some paperwork done, I decided to take care of some nightmares, because I really do enjoy helping foals with their nightmares… Sadly, when I awoke from my slumber, Chrysalis was dragging me, with my head on the ground, through the palace and through Canterlot until we reached a field. It was quite an unpleasant experience and I almost shouted in my Royal Voice for it. Chrysalis… didn’t seem to care about the fact that she was dragging me through town. She could’ve properly laid me on her back, or carried me with her magic, but no, she had to drag me on my face on cobblestone roads!
She at least made up for it by making sure there was a picnic set up, for just the two of us… she got me night lilies, and I would’ve been ecstatic if I were a filly, with them being associated with the night… but I am allergic. What’s worse, is that Chrysalis doesn’t react, other than giving me a box of tissues. I swear this mare is going to ‘piss me off’. I believe I used your weird human phrase correctly there. Do correct me if I didn’t.
So that was how my Hearts and Hooves Day went. It was literally just my duties, a shitty little picnic, and me sneezing my lungs out because Chrysalis couldn’t be bothered to at least cast a spell to ale my allergies. I wish I just went to Ponyville and spent the day with you; you are my favorite human and you’d treat me right. Oh… a belly rub from you would be lovely right now because I am so bucking pissed. Chrysalis can sense emotions, and yet she just assumes my emotions are due to my nervousness of dating a ‘creature as fine as her’ or whatever.
I hope you’ve had better luck; I received word from my sister, who got word from her student that Rainbow Dash is developing some feelings for you.
I am not opposed to forming a herd with you two when you are of age, Bob.
I love you,
Love Luna.
P.S do not fall asleep around Chrysalis, you are far more fragile than I, and I believe she would end up accidentally peeling your face off while dragging you through town.
Author's Note
so, some of you might be wondering why this was reposted. quite frankly, i think i wrote myself into a corner with that Chrysalis stunt.
Luckily, retconning exists. Nobody gets stabbed through the neck and skull this time.
Salt Lick
“Oh god why?” Bob whimpered. The train rolled into town today, as it usually does, but with Celestia’s private train car on it. The human was blissfully unaware, since Rainbow Dash decided to stop by the library that morning, and read a Daring Do book while laying in the human’s lap. It was odd, for Twilight at least, to see the cyan mare to be so affectionate, but after Hearts and Hooves day, which was a few weeks ago, Rainbow did warm up to Bob quite a bit. Of course, Bob didn’t mind at all, with him officially stating that Rainbow Dash has to be the cutest pegasus he’s ever seen.
Rainbow Dash vehemently denied this fact, but then proceeded to nuzzle into Bob’s palm when he started rubbing her cheek.
There were a lot of signs that the pegasus was sending Bob’s way, but with his generally poor pony body language reading skills, couldn’t tell when Rainbow Dash was actually hitting on him. He just thought they were good friends, that happened to have gotten closer after a holiday. This got on Rainbow’s nerves, but she was perfectly okay with Bob not realizing she’s hitting on him… After Twilight pointed out why Bob would be terrible at reading the signs that Rainbow was giving him.
For one thing, Bob already isn’t a pony. And pegasi have a whole bunch of other bits in their body language that makes it harder for Bob to pick up on the signs. Luna, in all her glory, never really explained any of this body language to her human as she often ended up getting knocked out whenever she and Bob hung out; belly rubs put Pretty Pony Princesses to sleep.
Right now, however, Bob was slowly rocking back and forth in Princess Celestia’s private traincar. She and Luna stopped by in Ponyville, picked Bob up, and told him where he was going. Right to Salt Lick City, the same place that Bob first wandered into upon waking up in Equestria. One, so Celestia could announce Bob’s citizenship, then find the stallion that had initially attacked him. While nothing too severe could be given out, with the crime committed against the human being almost two years ago, he would at least be fined fifty bits for assaulting Bob.
And he’d spend a couple days in Salt Lick’s jail.
If the crime happened today, the stallion could face up to fifteen years in the dungeons under Canterlot. Death or banishment if the stallion’s attacks actually killed Bob.
Bob was holding Luna, having been excited to see her at first since they hadn’t seen each other since their concert… Then Luna became Bob’s emotional shield as he was told where he was going. Bob basically buried his face into Luna’s back, right between her wings and was absolutely nervous about going back to Salt Lick. And terrified. Luna was more than understanding, and due to the nature of pony biology, chairs were more akinned to couches that can easily be laid on. So Luna rolled onto her back, before hugging the human’s head to her chest.
Chrysalis almost came as well, but at Luna’s request, stayed in Canterlot to watch over things while the Sisters were gone.
At least, Celestia and Luna believed that Chrysalis listened and remained in Canterlot to run at least Day Court.
Nopony noticed a short, pegasus mare with acid green eyes on the train car ahead of them; nobody would with them boarding directly onto the royal car.
“Oh god…” The human finally unearthed his face. “Why did I agree to this?”
“You wanted to talk to the filly you initially bumped into when you first came into Equestria,” Celestia said. “Are you scared of what will happen?” The train ride was going to take a couple days, since Salt Lick was on the other side of Equestria from Ponyville.
“What if somebody wants to hurt me again?” Bob asked. “I know I have nothing to fear, mostly, but usually I’m with somepony. Sure, you and Luna can be great deterrents from people who want to murder me, but what is stopping somebody from taking a quick snipe at me and possibly kill me?”
“If that is to happen, then not only will I ensure that you survive,” Luna growled. “Whatever creature dares touch you will end up on the moon by the time I am through with them. And trust me, that is a death sentence. I would know; any spells that can be used to send a pony to the moon will grant them the ability to breathe in space. It will be slow, it will be lonely, and they will slowly starve to death.”
“This is going to end poorly,” Bob sighed. “Hopefully I get to see that filly at least. She was kinda sweet, and if nothing else, a new place to explore without possibly getting murdered. That sounds fun.” Bob laid his head back on Luna’s chest. “Well, hopefully everything goes well, I’m going to take a nap.” The human idly stroked the Moon before snoring soon followed. Luna squealed a little, before rolling over and nuzzling him.
The Elements had joined along, and watched the unfiltered display of Luna snuggles and nuzzles. Rainbow’s wings ruffled slightly and she sighed; that should be her giving that human nuzzles and snuggles. Twilight shrugged before crawling up on the couch with Celestia on it, loafing, just like her teacher currently was, before Celestia summoned a book for the two of them to read. The others proceeded to quietly chat, to not disturb Bob, in case he starts panicking about going to Salt Lick again.
“This is unfair,” Rainbow grumbled, crossing both her forelegs and pouting.
“What is, dear?” Rarity asked in a hushed voice.
“Look over there!” The cyan pegasus threw her forelegs towards Luna and Bob. The human had managed to reposition his head so that it was lying just under Luna’s jaw.
“Is somepony jealous?” Rarity asked in a teasing tone.
“Duh, Bob should know that we’re a couple now!”
“I don’t think he does,” Apple Jack pointed out. “As far as he’s aware, he probably thinks you started warming up to him a lot more.” She shrugged. “Given that he spends all day in the library, writing songs, I’m surprised he still remembers us. He’s only started hitting it big in the music industry after all,” the farm pony added with a grumble.
“Actually,” Fluttershy spoke up. “I stop by on occasion, and Bob drops everything to spend some time with me. He just assumes we’re all busy, so he just spends time practicing,” the pegasus ‘eeped’. “I don’t know if Bob is okay with me sharing that.”
Rainbow Dash sighed. “He opened with that when I mentioned how we haven’t gotten much of a chance to really know Bob.” The pegasus grumbled. “When he got to spend some time with me, he was all too happy to be doing something with somepony else.
“Then he spends all his time with that old princess instead of with us!” Rainbow hush-shouted. Luna’s ears flicked in the group’s direction, but she made no reaction to whether she heard Rainbow Dash or not. Bob quickly sat up with a long stretch, looking around before his eyes fell on the five mares. The pegasus's eyes widened and her ears flattened. Luna had definitely heard her if Bob apparently did with his weaker hearing.
“Oh… I thought I was dreaming,” Bob shrugged before waving at Rainbow. “Yo, come over here!” The human waved. The pegasus’s eyes darted left and right, before she bent over in her seat. seeing as there was no way out of what was going to happen, she hopped out of her seat before trotting over to the human and the Princess.
“What were you talking about?” Bob asked. “I heard ya whisper-shout something about somebody being old.” The human explained.
“I…”
“I believe our friend is a bit jealous of you spending time with me, Bob.” Luna said, having closed her eyes to try and take a nap as well. Rainbow was now staring at the ground, her wings shuffled a bit.
“Dash, why are…” The human hummed. “Ah,” Bob got up off of his live, alicorn bed, before kneeling in front of Rainbow Dash. He brought a hand under her jaw before rubbing it. “You know, if you wanna start trying to date me, you can try,” Bob said. “I just haven’t tried anything for a myriad of reasons. I dunno if you actually wanna date me, or if you just have a crush on me for starters…” The human shrugged. “And ponies, and horses, exist on Earth. They aren’t intelligent, just dumb, smelly animals that can just about figure out that they are alive and have to do things to keep being alive. Getting past that is still gonna be a challenge for me, but I can probably overlook it.
“I just don’t think we can have sex, ever, because that’s a line I won’t cross. On top of that, I’m still half expecting some random pony to kick the shit out of me.”
“You seem nonchalant about talking about whether or not you and Rainbow Dash would ever mate. Are you certain you’re seventeen?” Luna asked.
“I accidentally walked into a cave one night, out in the wilderness. Uh… my cave was occupied by a couple of bears, a breeding pair,” Bob waved a hand. “After seeing the shit they were doing, I’m not even phased.”
“You watched bears… mate?” Rainbow asked.
“No, I saw them, was shocked for a moment, and then ran away as soon as the shock left my body, I snuck away and never went back to that cave ever again. Asshats stole a cave from me that had a week’s worth of supplies in it.” The human sighed. “Glad that that time of my life is over.” The human pulled Rainbow Dash up onto his lap. “But I ain’t replacing you, or Luna, ever. Luna’s my best friend, and I’m starting to like you a lot. Just say the word and we’ll have dinner at some kinda fancy restaurant, or not. Fancy never struck me as something you’d wanna do.”
“We… could have some Hayburgers Al’Round at Salt Lick,” Rainbow suggested.
“I can’t eat there; everything is made of hay, and I literally will die if I eat it…” The human rubbed his chin. “We could bake pizza together. I could teach you how, we could spend some time together, and it’ll be a fun thing. We’ll have to wait until we get back home, but it’s a date idea.” Rainbow Dash’s expression immediately lit up at the prospect of having more pizza. “Sounds like a plan?”
“Yeah, that sounds… great actually. Bucking dammit! The mare’s supposed to come up with dates, Bob! Let me feel like a mare that’s wearing pants in this relationship!” Rainbow pouted.
“We’ll take turns,” Bob chuckled. “Dad raised no asshat; I’ll be a gentleman for ya. Though I think you’d hate it if I tried to pamper you too much…” The human grinned. “Though I don’t think you’re above a massage?” Rainbow’s eyes lit up at that again. “Eeyup, no matter the universe, a woman loves to be loved and cared for,” the human chuckled. The human moved Rainbow around, who didn’t protest at all, and started working on her shoulders. “I’m not trained, but I’ll be damned if hooves can massage better than human hands.”
Rainbow was fast asleep by the time Bob was done massaging her.
The rest of the train ride was a blur. Bob, Luna, and Rainbow soon found themselves in a pony and human cuddle pile for most of the trip.
As soon as Bob stepped off the train, the first thing he did was hide behind Luna for cover, peeking over her back occasionally to try and see what ponies were thinking of him. Obviously, it wasn’t everyday that the Royal Pony Sisters randomly show up in a town that is a long way away from Canterlot, so ponies would stop and stare and bow as the sisters walked by. Mostly to Celestia, but none of the ponies were screaming ‘Nightmare Moon’, which Luna was all too glad for. A few ponies did immediately catch sight of Bob and immediately started giving him stink eyes.
The Elements of Harmony, with them being the national heroes that they were, were well received by the townsfolk.
“Go to my sister,” Luna suggested. “She’s better with defensive magic, should anypony be foolish enough to strike at you.”
The human didn’t need to be told twice, Bob darted past the other ponies, with Rainbow hot on his trail, and Twilight was ready to cast a spell should the need arise. An onlooker yelled. “Watch out Princess!” Before Bob slipped beside Celestia, who was quick to drape a wing over Bob’s shoulder and pull him closer. The sheer warmth that the alicorn gave off made Bob relax slightly. The bystanders watched in pure shock as the Bringer of the Morn only flinched slightly at contact with the human, before she noticeably relaxed and nuzzled Bob’s cheek.
“You aren’t comfortable at all with this, are you?” The Princess asked.
“No, I’m not. I know I said I wanted to see that filly I first ran into, but I was thinking you’d find her and her family and ask them to come meet you in Canterlot… It would probably be easier to come all the way out here, so we don’t have to mess up anyone’s schedule, right?” Celestia nodded at the human’s question. “Darn,” the human sighed. “Nobody’ll take shots at me, right?” Bob asked.
“Bob,” Princess Celestia sighed. “You have myself, Luna, and Twilight Sparkle. Two of which are very powerful, very experienced alicorns and battlemages. Twilight learnt magic directly from me since she gained her Cutie Mark. On top of that, you are surrounded by mares that have saved the country twice now. Nopony would dare take a shot at you, with the chance of possibly striking me on accident. And nopony would attack you if they see me doing this,” Celestia raised her wing and pulled Bob even closer. “Because they would gather my ire, my sister’s, and all of your friends. They would be put on trial for not only attacking an Equestrian citizen, but would result in a severe punishment for attacking a minor.”
“...Huh…” Bob nuzzled his cheek into Celestia’s neck. “That sure does help a lot, with my safety, I mean.” The human chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m just… I dunno. Some nut job will wanna take a shot at me even with every sign that they shouldn’t. You… would do your best to keep me alive if somebody did actually hurt me, right?”
“I am ten years older than Luna, and I had aspirations to become a medic before I became an alicorn, Bob. Guess who kissed and magic’d away Luna’s booboos when she got hurt?” Luna snorted at the teasing tone in her older sister’s voice.
“You?”
“Indeed. Now, I still hold a passion for being able to lend a hoof should any hospital need my help. With thousands of years of experience, with a little sister who took heavily after my interests… If you somehow got killed by anypony, Luna and I already would’ve been killed.”
“And you two don’t typically do the dying part of life.”
“We can still be killed, do not get me wrong, but it would not be easy. Granted, we both have gotten close… hence my jumpiness, but you would be hard pressed to find a civilian in Equestria that can harm myself or Luna, and would be willing to. I couldn’t get anypony to slap me on the cheek even if I paid them to.” Bob grinned, before hopping up and lightly smacking the back of Celestia’s head. “You aren’t a pony, Bob.” The Princess deadpanned before looking teary eyed. “How could you strike me, my fair human? I thought we were friends!” Celestia stopped, sat on her haunches and held a hoof up to her cheek, keeping Bob under one of her wings the whole time. “Do you wish to hurt me so badly?”
Bob reached over, even while knowing Celestia was pulling his leg, got up in the ‘crying’ alicorn’s face, before nuzzling her nose with his own. The princess completely stopped in her tracks before smiling. “That… Oh Bob, I need to teach you where to actually nuzzle a pony! That would be something a lover would do!” Bob backed away in a heartbeat, his cheeks were now red while the Princess laughed, the Princess, laughing in public. That got a lot of ponies looking at the group’s way. Well, more ponies were looking their way than there were before.
“No it isn’t, sister.” Luna rolled her eyes. “It’s something ponies, usually siblings or good friends, do to each other. You should know this, filly.”
“You just had to ruin my fun, didn’t you, Lulu?” Celestia giggled before nuzzling Bob. “I’m glad you decided to do that. It was… quite touching, to be simply honest with you. Especially after…” Bob gave her the stink eye. “Nothing happened between us,” the Princess nodded. “Nothing at all.” The human gave Celestia a thumb’s up, before the group started moving again. Bob started feeling a little more confident, taking a slight lead.
“Come on! The Princess is in town-oof!” Bob paused when something ran into his leg just as he rounded the corner.
Or rather, somepony ran into his leg. Bob slowly looked towards the ground to see… a yellow, unicorn filly with a black mane. She just bumped into the human, and was just getting off the ground. Now present was a cutie mark on her flanks… A simple, cartoon-style storm cloud with a lightning bolt striking down from it. She was a little taller than the Crusaders were, so that made Bob assume she was probably older than them. This time, accompanying her were two other unicorn fillies. They seemed to be about her age, both were almost identical to each other.
They both almost looked like mini-Rarities with Twilight’s mane. They were white, almost completely white, their manes, while in the style of Bob’s favorite unicorn, were inverts of Twilight’s mane. They had pink manes, with a violet streak going through them. Their tails matched their mane in color, and the only big difference between the two, besides their cutie marks being a plus and minus sign respectively, had blue and red eyes to match their marks.
“Howdy,” Bob waved, and knelt down. “I believe you and I have met before,” lending his hand to Zippy. The unicorn stared at him for a few seconds before her eyes widened. “What? Am I scary now?”
“You need to leave,” Zippy said frantically. “You need to get out of town. If you don’t, then daddy will hurt you again!” The filly walked up to Bob and gently nudged him. “Go! You’re nice, but Daddy doesn’t get it, so we need to-“
“Eh, this time around, things are different. Nobody’s gonna hurt me, Bob offered his hand. “Lemme help you up.” Now, there was a level of gentleness in his voice, that nopony present had heard from the human before. “I won’t hurt ya either. I couldn’t bring myself to hurt such a cute little filly.” All the mares present held their breath, in order to stifle a giggle. The filly, as red as a beet, took the human’s hand and got to her hooves. “So,” Bob patted the filly a few times. “What’s your name?”
“It’s… Zippy, sir. Why do you think nopony will hurt-“ Zippy paused as both she and her friends; they finally noticed Princess Celestia staring down at them from over Bob’s knelt down form. “Princess!? What are you doing here?”
“I am ensuring that, as Princess of Equestria, that a citizen of Equestria,” the Princess ruffled the human’s hair with a hoof. “Doesn’t get assaulted while the locals get acquainted with him… I heard some unpleasant things happened to Bob before, when he first came to Salt Lick, some of which involves your sire, Zippy.” The filly’s eyes widened.
“Is he going to be banished?”
“No dear, he will simply be doing community service and serving a short amount of time in Salt Lick jail. Had this crime happened more recently, he would be spending a few years in Canterlot’s dungeons. However, if your father refuses to do community service after he is released from jail, then he will be spending the full sentence of assault in Canterlot’s dungeons; retained for four years with a magic suppressing ring.”
“Oh… Well, he did hurt somepony. Even if the whole town was in on it-“
“The mayor will be giving a formal apology to Bob, as well as a thousand bits to pay for the medical expenses that he had to get after being assaulted,” Luna stated. Both Princesses almost ‘aw’d when Bob picked Zippy up and started holding her like a puppy. The term filly would be almost too generous; Zippy was nearly sixteen with how big she was. However, to Bob, she was merely the same size as a large dog, so he didn’t mind one bit with the strain that the teenager was giving him.
“This is nice,” Zippy hummed. “Munim, Plusi, you two gotta try this,” she cooed when Bob started scratching her chin.
“But… look at how big he is!” The filly with the plus cutie mark pointed out. “What if he eats us?”
“I don’t eat fillies.” Bob said plainly. “At least, I won’t eat them out . That doesn’t sound legal.” Bob snickered when Zippy seemed to be the only one who got the joke, who was giggling along. “I will probably eat this one, though. Unicorn meat is quite juicy…” Bob mused before laughing at the shocked expressions of the other two teens. “Nah, I don’t eat anything that can think and talk. That’s just screwed up.”
“So you aren’t a monster?” The filly with the minus sign cutie mark asked.
“Nope. Well, we’re all monsters on the inside, kiddo. Not everyone is a good person, not everyone is a bad person. Morality isn’t black or white. As far as we’re aware, you’re just a pony, and I am just a human. Nobody is perfect,” Bob nods to Celestia. “Nobody should be a leading example. For instance, Zippy’s Dad tried to murder me for massaging his kid. Even Princess Celestia isn’t perfect; she tickled me for thirteen minutes straight on the train here.”
“Now that doesn’t sound like something the Princess would do,” the plus-signed filly said. “That sounds awful.”
“It is true,” Celestia said, taking her crown off her head and holding it to her chest, much like somepony would at a funeral. “I too, am a horrible pony… granted, I have done far, far worse than that. As Bob said, not everyony is perfect.”
“We’ve all got skeletons in our closet,” Bob adds. The human waves a dismissive hand. “Enough of this shit, though.” The human scratched the back of his head when Apple Jack gave him a very disappointed look, one not too dissimilar to what a mother would do when she catches her child with a hand, or hoof, in the cookie jar. “We agreed to save all the big, important stuff for tomorrow. Because somebody didn’t wanna tell me we were staying the night in Salt Lick.”
“Well… I figured you and your friends would like to explore or partake in some activities before we leave tomorrow night,” Celestia hums. “I may or may not have snatched your guitar and snuck it onto the train when you weren’t looking. I know Salt Lick has a love for its music; there’s even clubs where various artists can go and perform…” The Princess smirked. “I may have put your name on one I like to visit whenever I am in Salt Lick.”
“You bi-” the human cleared his throat, remembering his company. “Big, red dog.”
“Were you about to call the Princess a bitch?” Zippy gasped. “That’s horrible; you shouldn’t do that!”
“...How old are you?” Bob asked.
“I’m nearly seventeen!” The filly admonishes Bob again for almost cursing the Princess out.
“That is quite alright, young Zippy. Bob and I are close friends; if I wasn’t fine with him calling me that, I wouldn’t let him call me that anywhere .”
“So,” Twilight interrupts. “I don’t know much about Salt Lick, have you been here a lot, Princess?”
Celestia hums. “I have shown up in town quite a bit in the last fifty years. Sometimes nopony recognizes it’s me for one reason or another. It’s quite like Baltimare or Manehattan, but much smaller and less daunting.” Everyone looks shocked at that. “Canterlot, despite it being the capital, is not that big of a city. Both Manehattan and Balitmare dwarfs it in population and area, and with those skyscrapers as well…” The Princess giggles. “So whenever I manage to, I sneak out of the castle for a few days in disguise. Often here to experience the ‘nightlife’. I do have several stops in mind, however. Would any of you like to go shopping? It’ll be my treat.”
Rarity, Zippy and her two friends, all seem to glow at the idea. Because they all have nothing else to do, everypony else agrees. The human, however, remembers something from the few times he helped Rarity whenever she went shopping. “Wait up, as the only guy here, besides Spike…” Bob set the young unicorn down in realization.
“Yes, you two will be carrying everything,” Luna says with a smile. “Worry not, myself and my sister won’t be getting much besides momentos.”
“Hey Spike,” the human started. “I think I saw a bridge I can jump off of. Good luck-” the human was picked up by Twilight, Luna, Celestia, even Rarity’s horn was lit. Everypony that was there, that knew Bob, was glaring at him. The human felt his legs get anchored to the ground.
“What didst we say about committing suicide, Bob?” Luna growls. “Do not joke about such matters, Bob!”
“I wasn’t actually going to do it,” Bob admitted. “Uh… sorry about that, everyone. I forget that jokes that usually fly with… other humans don’t fly with ponies all that well.” The human chuckled. “Things like dying, and various other ways of dying are things that a lot of humans like to joke about… I wasn’t actually gonna jump off a bridge, by the way. I just remember going shopping with a spoiled, rich girl back in middle school. It wasn’t a date, I think, I was only around eleven at the time and her mom was present. I ended up sitting around in the waiting room of dressing rooms for minutes , or carrying a lot of things for her and her Mom. It was awful .” The human shivered. “Well, the girl kissed my cheek afterwards and giggled and fluttered her eyes at me several times. Even asked me about how she looked. I dunno if she liked me; she never got the chance to tell me since her family had to move a couple months later..”
“...You were that child’s special somepony,” Rarity says flatly. All the ponies using their magic on Bob's legs let go of him.
“...Shit dude. Well, I don’t think it matters now, clearly it doesn’t now, but I wish I coulda at least see her again at some point. She was a good friend of mine at the very least, no matter how snobbish she was.” The human sighed before following the group of mares. As he had predicted, he and Spike, and Celestia and Luna, spent a solid amount of time waiting for the rest of the group to try on a bunch of outfits. Even if Rainbow Dash and Apple Jack were forced into trying on some frilly dresses. The human, dragon, and Princesses either couldn’t fit the dresses, or cared about dressing up enough to try new clothes on.
Luna wasn’t happy about not being able to ‘go shopping’.
“I see why you didn’t want to go shopping now, Bob,” Luna grumbles. “None of the shops carry anything in my size.”
“At least you can possibly squeeze into a dress,” Celestia sighs. “I hate being so big.”
“Hey, at least a lot of stallions like your butt,” Bob offered. “I can’t say much about pony attractiveness, but I assume the slender long legs and your flanks make a lot of ponies wanna sleep with you. Though many probably don’t for a myriad of reasons.”
“...A majority of my mail, that instantly gets thrown out, are love letters,” Celestia admits. “Luna’s gotten quite a bunch after her little concert. A few actually sent letters to ‘Nightmare Moon’ because they find that alter ego attractive for some reason.”
“Well, it did look really cool,” Bob admits. He turned to Luna. “You gotta let me cuddle up with you in town square, on Nightmare Night, in Ponyville. That would be fucking hilarious.”
“Why would it, Bob?”
“Just think. The big, bad, scary boogie mare… is actually a huge snuggle monster. We could have a whole booth set up and everything; fillies, colts, mares, and stallions. If they wanna snuggle with the Queen of the Night, they can. It sounds funny in my mind at least.”
Luna looks thoughtful at the prospect of having a bunch of foals laying on the side of her belly. “I believe we will have to do that this year,” she admits, “that sounds like a lovely idea. Though I don’t get the fascination you have over my alter ego. I get why some weird stallions do-”
“Honestly, it’s cool, and kinda beautiful,” Bob admits, leaning back on the seats, which were weirdly built like some couches for dressing room-waiting rooms. “I still obviously prefer you as Luna . But seeing it every now and then, mostly on Nightmare Night, would be pretty sick.” Now, Luna was blushing.
“I-I… Did not think the form I dawned upon becoming jealous would be something so many ponies would think is pretty. I especially wouldn’t have expected that from you .”
A few moments later, Zippy ran out. “Save me!” She hopped up on the couch and hid behind Bob first, surprisingly. “Plusi’s been making out on stupid dresses for the last hour! I just wanted to try out one .
Behind her was the plus signed-filly. “But having more options is better! How else would we know that blue goes nicely with your coat?”
“...Color theory?” Bob asked.
“The buck is that?” The minus-signed filly asked, trotting beside her twin(at least Bob assumed they were twins). Bob assumed that was Minum, as he didn’t actually ask who was who). Even Celestia and Luna raised an eyebrow.
“Y’all don’t know what that is?” The human asked.
“I never heard of the term in my life, dude,” Spike said flatly.
“I never did either,” Celestia and Luna said at the same time.
A purple flash made Bob yelp. Now, Twilight was standing in front of him with a notebook and pen, in a black dress she was trying on. How she had heard Bob was beyond him.
“Uh… I don’t know the specifics, honestly. I do know it’s a thing used to explain why some colors look nicer than others. Three primary colors are red, blue, and yellow. You can mix blue and yellow to get green, red and yellow for orange, and blue and red for purple. Purple, orange, and green are secondary colors… that’s what I got from Elementary School art class, at least. There is something called a ‘color wheel’ that humans use, which is how humans organize the colors. I think the further away two colors on the wheel are from each other, the worse they look together. Blue and yellow are pretty close to each other… I don’t know. But basically, yellow and blue look nice, but blue could make your coat look brighter than it usually does.
“It’s all preference, really. I think a black dress would look nicer on you. It would match your mane, and black and yellow is a tried and true color combo.” Zippy hums in thought, before shrugging.
“You… think it would be nice?” Zippy asked.
“Yeah. don’t think you’d need a dress, at least. Your black mane, on your yellow coat. That looks pretty damn cool if you ask me.” The filly’s cheeks slowly started becoming orange.
“...Thanks Bob.” Celestia and Luna started giggling at that; Bob had unknowingly struck a nerve for most fillies, and mares; they are very conscious about their mane and coat colors. Being told that their fur and mane look nice is a good way for a stallion to start off with flirting. The human was completely oblivious to this fact, or the fact that Zippy was now blushing. Zippy did allow herself to get dragged away to try a black dress on… it was kinda sparkly too. When she came out, Bob whistled.
“Holy shit, if you wore that at a party, I’m sure tons of colts will be flocking you.” Now, Zippy’s cheeks were bright red. She nods before quickly disappearing into the dressing rooms.
“Bob,” Celestia giggled. “You probably just made Zippy’s day,” she kept on giggling.
“What? I called her pretty.”
“...You don't even know what you’ve just done,” Luna giggled some more.
By night, Celesita had led the group of ponies into a club, having given Bob his guitar. So far, nopony had tried to attack the human, and the fillies were dropped off at their homes for the night with how late it was getting. However, before rounding the corner to Zippy’s home, the group decided it would be best to let the filly return home alone. However, that didn’t stop her from pulling Bob to her level with her magic, and planting a kiss on his cheek. The human’s brain decided to factory reset as the human processed the fact that he was kissed by a horse.
After being signed in, Bob noticed a drum set for those who didn’t want to lug around an entire drum kit, and an idea immediately came to mind. The human nodded along to some of the music that was already playing, and everypony seemed to be enjoying himself… Even if by the fifth song he was bored. It wasn’t that the music playing wasn’t bad, it was just all the same in the human’s mind. He could hear the same four chords he’s heard in plenty of pop songs.
So by no means was anything even wrong, it was just boring him. Especially when each song was about love, finding love, following your dreams, never giving up, or generally just ‘feel good’ songs. By the time Bob got on stage, he had listened to about six or seven of the same songs with different lyrics. The human hummed as he remembered a few Irish songs. Of course, all chatter, dancing, and what-have you stopped when Bob went on stage.
“Howdy everybody. Here’s a song from my home, well not exactly my home; I’m not Irish, I just like their music.” Bob figured he wouldn’t play anything that could ruin the good vibes that the club was feeling, so a good old, barebones song to break up the monotony of what he just heard sounded like a good idea.
Hell, he could play two instruments at the same time while doing so with such a barebone song.
The human sat himself behind the drum kit. Bob set his foot on the kick drum pedal, and grabbed the sticks. Why a pony would even need a drum kit that was clearly built for bipedal creatures was beyond Bob, but he didn’t care. He brought both sticks down, doing a quick drumroll before discarding them. He pulled his guitar around. He slowly worked out a tempo using the kick drum before he hummed a few times. “This is about a drink that can sink all your sorrows and raise up your joys. Most of the ponies there were pleasantly surprised with a simple drum, along with a guitar to accompany a song that was… really just Bob singing. Sure, the drum was there to keep track of time, and the guitar accompanied the lyrics that left the human’s mouth…
But it seemed like the lyrics were at the forefront of the song with how basic everything else was. Eventually, Bob kept using the kick drum, but started also using the guitar to keep beat, using it as a makeshift drum kit. The crowd watched as a creature they had chased out of town, two years ago, happily sang a song about whisky, the very drink that was largely being hoofed out at the club. The song was… very different from what a vast majority of the ponies had heard the whole night as well.
On top of that, the percussive guitar style that Bob was doing seemed completely unorthodox; it was hard to do with just hooves after all.
Meanwhile, at Zippy’s house, the filly was happily snoozing away, while a certain Queen was watching through the window. Chrysalis latched her hooves onto the walls of the house, and was absolutely silent. She climbed around the building until she caught sight of Zippy’s sire, sleeping amongst a pile of mares. The Queen glared at him, before leaping off the house and flying into the night sky.
The next day was a blur for Bob; he was handed a thousand bits, received a public apology from the mayor, and toured around the city.
Zippy managed to find Bob, with Salt Lick not being particularly large, with it only having one hotel in the entire city. The two decided to explore, and Zippy wanted to go shopping much to Bob’s expense. The shopping trip was actually rather quick, so the two were just sitting outside of an ice cream shop on a bench. They were waiting for Luna and Celestia to stop by while the two diarchs went to pick up the filly’s father from his workplace.
“You know,” the filly said, licking an ice cream cone that the human had just bought for her. “You never did finish rubbing my belly… It felt really nice when you first did it.” Bob chuckled.
“You know, if you wanna be spoiled, you can just say so. I don’t mind spoiling cute girls.” Bob, once again, didn’t notice the redness that was growing in Zippy’s cheeks. Within a few moments, Zippy was laying across Bob’s lap. Her ice cream cone had fallen on the ground, long forgotten, as a belly rub put her into pure bliss. “That,” the human chuckled. “Is absolutely worth the few minutes I lose whenever I rub a pony’s belly.” He giggled and pulled the filly up.
“Oh, you never learnt your lesson, huh pal?” The filly shot up from the human’s lap as a stallion, colored exactly like Zippy walked up with Celestia and Luna at his heels. “Do I have to beat the crap out of you again? Keep your hands away from my-”
“Mr. Bolt, if you attack Bob again, you will be going to the dungeons.” Celestia warned. The stallion recoiled, before turning to see Luna glaring at him and Celestia simply smiling serenely(even though Luna and Bob could tell that she’s forcing it). “I believe sitting outside is rather poor for a meeting. I know of a small cafe I like to visit whenever I’m in town. Shall I take us there so we can discuss something of importance?”
“What about the monster holding my daughter?”
“He’s not a monster, Dad! He was just rubbing my belly and he bought me ice cream!”
“Zippy, be quiet!”
“SHUT UP!” Luna shouted. “Come sister, lead us to this cafe. I could use some coffee, and I would rather not hear this pointless back and forth.”
“I agree, come along everyone!” Bob smiled slightly; that was a slight adjustment Celestia made that had to be intentional. Celestia lowered herself to the ground so Bob could climb up should he desire. “Would you like a ride? It is a far walk from here, and I am certain your legs will get tired.” Bob glanced at the stallion before flipping him off, receiving a brief, confused look from Zippy’s Father, before hopping up on Celestia’s back.
Both unicorns took a double take at that. Now that the slowest of the group was on the Princess’s back, the group walked all the way across town to a tiny little cafe, ordered some coffee and were promptly served. The five creatures got situated pretty quickly at a table towards the back of the dining room for some privacy. There were couches that Zippy had borrowed. She laid in Bob’s lap and sipped on a sugary cup of coffee and whipped cream while Bob rubbed her ears, much to her Dad’s chagrin. Celestia is the first to break the silence of the group after draining her cup of coffee in a second. A mare, that had seemingly popped out of thin air, walked up to the counter to order something. She kept her eyes on the group, namely the stallion, Bolt Strike. Her eyes bore into him, sensing something she wouldn’t have expected from a creature of prey:
Bloodlust. Bolt Strike was glaring at the human the whole time while feeling bloodlust.
“So, Mr. Bolt,” Celestia said calmly. “I believe you understand why we have sought you out,” the Princess calmly said, nudging her sister. The stallion slowly looked at the human and back to the Princesses with a slow nod.
“Your highnesses, with all due respect, I think there’s a huge misunderstanding…” Bolt Strike chuckled nervously. “You see, that thing,” he pointed at Bob. “Was holding my daughter captive and-”
“Bolt, you have a long history of being rather… violent if your criminal record says anything. You have been involved in numerous bar fights in the last month and have been arrested for several of them. You have several harassment charges held against you for harassing a few griffin couples and the occasional minotaur.” Celestia stated. “Bob, along with another witness,” she pointed a hoof to Zippy. “Have been tested under a lie detection spell; you instigated the situation that led to Bob being assaulted by the entire town.
“Now, while I could throw you in the dungeons for years , I will offer you an ultimatum,” Celestia started. “Apologize to Bob,” she nosed the human. “And go spend a few days in the local jail and a couple weeks of community service, along with a small fine. Or, go ahead and serve the full sentence of unwarranted assault on another, sapient being. Your choice, Mr. Bolt.” The stallion masked a growl.
“I suppose that’s better than spending a few years away from my daughter,” the stallion agrees. A magic suppressing ring was placed on his horn.
“Now, let us enjoy some coffee before we have to take you to Salt Lick’s jail,” Celestia hummed.
Bolt Strike glared at Bob the whole time, who wasn’t completely oblivious to the looks the stallion is giving him. The human chose to ignore it, and instead chose to instead put his focus on the filly laying in his lap. Since Luna didn't occupy the human lap(she was forced to sit by Bolt just in case he tried anything). Zippy didn’t notice the looks her Dad was giving her new friend, so she just happily indulged in her sugary coffee and the ear scratches she was getting.
“Zippy!” The stallion pounded a hoof on the table. The filly flinched. “Why are you letting that thing treat you like an animal? How doesn’t that feel demeaning?” He snarled.
“It feels nice,” Zippy said, ears pinned against her head. “When I first bumped into Bob, before you attacked him, he started petting me. Admittedly, it does feel a tiny bit demeaning, but it feels so good that I didn’t mind.”
“And Zippy’s nice and fluffy; humans love nice, fluffy creatures, and those fluffy creatures usually enjoy petting.” Zippy’s cheeks flushed a little; calling a mare fluffy is usually very flattering to them. This elicited a glare out of Bolt Strike.
“Come on Dad, Bob isn’t that bad. He can sing and play the guitar!” She smiled brightly. “And he’s nice,” Celestia and Luna were struggling to keep a straight face. The filly sounded like she was showing her special somepony off to an unapproving father.
“But he’s treating you like an animal! You’re a proud unicorn, your heritage is a long line of Royal Guards! You should-”
“I’ve watched Bob run into a pegasus mare, a guard,” Celestia interrupts. “Even though the poor dear got an earful for it, she didn’t mind being petted at all. She quite enjoyed it and only got an earful because she rolled on her back and let Bob sneak into my sister’s chambers shortly afterwards.”
“She was a bat pony ,” Bob said. “She was fucking adorable, with those bit poofy ears and little fangs hanging just a bit out from her upper lip. I had to rub her belly. She was pretty chill about the whole thing.”
“And we let her off the hook,” Luna said, she said after swallowing a bit of pineapple that she had bought on the way to the cafe. “Your hands are quite formidable, as it seems.” The human and the Princess giggled, while Zippy rolled over onto her back. “It seems as though somepony would like to see what happens when you use your dangerous weapons.”
Bolt Strike had to stop himself from reaching over and biting Bob’s hands off while the human put the teenager into a state of pure bliss. Zippy’s tail wagged in sheer content, and by the end of the belly rubbing, was sleeping in Bob’s arms. “Shit.” The human stared down at his latest victim. “I have to carry her now, don’t I?”
“No, you won’t .” Bolt, having enough of Bob’s presence, waited for the group to finish off their drinks and headed out onto the street. As soon as Bob managed to wake up Zippy and set her on the ground, that’s when the stallion pounced. While he wasn’t as tall, and lacked his magic, he was still a reserve for the Royal Guard, and easily had a hundred pounds on the human before him. He tackled Bob to the ground, driving his hooves into the human’s chest.
The human wheezed and started coughing violently as the air was knocked out of him. His ribs let out a sickening crunch while his head cracked upon slamming on the ground.
“GET THE FUCK OFF OF HIM!” Celestia and Luna had little time to react before a pegasus flew into the stallion, erupting into green flames. However, they were quick to try to stabilize the human, who had broken ribs, his head was cracked open, and Bob was knocked out. The sisters both blasted him with every healing spell that they could think of. While the human was still unconscious, he at least wasn’t going to die.
Celestia picked up Bob a moment later, without skipping a beat, she started galloping towards a hospital.
Luna looked up to see Chrysalis beating Tartarus into Bolt Strike, before letting off the now unconscious stallion. Zippy was staring in fear at her father more than the changeling that had wrapped Bolt Strike up in a gym bag. “Is Bob okay?” The Queen asked.
“My sister just took him away so we could get more thorough healing for Bob.” The Queen nodded, before turning to the filly.
“I apologize for-”
“Why would my Dad hurt Bob?” Zippy whimpered. “He’s a good pony! So why did he have to go attack my friend!”
“...Not everypony is as they seem, young one. Even the ponies we want to believe the best in,” Chrysalis said, lifting the gym bag that had the unconscious stallion’s left, hindleg poking out of it. “Come, we can go put this meatbag into Salt Lick care before he gets shipped off to Canterlot’s dungeons for the foreseeable future.” The Queen growled. “He is lucky that the crime occured on Equestrian soil; he would have been executed on the spot if he did that in the Hive. Your father’s still not getting off the hook easily; Bob is a legal citizen of both the Hive and Equestria, so he has to go through trials if we even give him a chance to defend himself.”
“I hate my Dad,” Zippy grumbled. “He hurt somepony twice for no reason.”
“Many more times than that, Zippy,” Luna corrected. The group started moving along. “Your father’s background… isn’t good.”
“I know… sometimes he beats my dam when he drinks. I love him, he never lays a hoof on me, but… I thought he was a better pony than I’m starting to think he is.”
The three started galloping in the direction that Celestia had run off in.
By the time the two royals and filly, ended up being carried by Luna on her back, they were quickly directed towards the hospital room that Bob was in. Celestia was sitting just outside of the room, her usually beautiful mane was frazzled a little.
“Sister…”
“Luna… I’m sorry,” the Princess whispered. Her mane quickly found its way back to its normal state and a huge smile plastered itself on her face. “Okay, I am not going to do that kind of prank. Bob’s mostly fine after all our healing spells… The problem is his brain. The doctors are just doing a few checks to make sure that he’s fine.”
“Ugh…” Bolt Strike slowly raised his head. “What… Urgh. My head-” Chrysalis pulled the stallion’s head out of the gym bag before hitting it with a newspaper. With her prisoner sufficiently knocked out again, she shoved the bastard’s head back in the bag.
“Chrysalis, that is almost illegal,” Celestia said with a small hint of a grin. She couldn’t do anything due to who legally captured the stallion, and frankly, she doesn’t care either. For all the Princess’s faults, she loathes ponies that would strike at a foal, or a child as humans seem to call their youth. So what the stallion was getting was, in her mind, what he rightfully deserved.
“And he tried to kill a subject of my country. We’re both holding trials for this piece of shit; however, I get the right to decide what to do with him until his trial starts.”
“I know, which is why I am not stopping you from doing this. Had you not gotten to this awful, awful pony first, I would’ve done far worse than beat Tartarus into him," Celestia admits.
“I would’ve killed him,” Luna admits. “I am a Princess, I can skip the trial if I want to. Hurting a minor in such a horrible fashion… Bob is a child, Tia. No child should be laying in a hospital bed with ribs that were broken not too long ago or with his head cracked open.”
The stallion made another noise, and surprisingly, Zippy punched the gym bag, roughly where her dad’s groin was within. “I hate you,” the filly growled.
“Thatta girl,” Chrysalis encouraged. Both the Pony Princesses shook their heads at the Queen’s insistence on being a horrible influence to the filly.
“If I ever become a dam,” Zippy starts with a snort. “And my husband dared attack my foal’s special somepony, I will rip my husband a new one and divorce him right after.” Zippy growled… before she realized what she just said. “Uh… You three won’t tell Bob about that, right? He’s a good friend, not a special somepony.” Luna and Celestia seemed a bit hesitant to tease the girl.
“I won’t say a word,” Chrysalis said.
“He’s conscious, your highnesses.” The doctor said after the door opened. “Don’t jump on him; you could potentially break his ribs again if you do. He shouldn’t have a concussion, so he should be good to go by tonight.”
Upon going in, Bob had his arm in a sling, and the top of his forehead was wrapped in bandages. Before Anypony could speak, Chrysalis was the first to speak with a huge, shit eating grin on her face.
“Hey Bob,” the Queen greeted.
“When did you get here?”
“I’m the reason why you’re not dead… partially,” the Queen explains.
“Oh… Stop by Ponyville when one of my arms isn’t fucked. I need to rub your belly for that.”
“You’d do it even if I didn’t save your life… By the way,” Chrysalis nudged Zippy with a hoof. “She has a crush on you!” The filly squealed before running out the room, while Bob just sat there with a dumb look on his face.
“That was mean, Chrysalis,” Celestia said.
“I know. I’m a mother, Tia. It’s my job to embarrass foals.”
“That is true…” Zippy walked back and set her top half on the bed. She nuzzled Bob a bit and the two had a quiet conversation. It ended with her planting a kiss on Bob’s cheeks, and him blushing. Now that the girl was closer, she noticed that Bob’s shirt was removed. She looked up and down the human, noting every scar he had, yet also taking in every muscle that Bob had… She liked how well toned they were…
Now, Bob was as red as a beat; Zippy whispered something else while the Royals just watched Bob like a bunch of proud parents…
“I think Bob found his first special somepony. Rainbow Dash is sure to follow suit,” Chrysalis giggled. “That poor colt is going to suffer. ”
A few days later, Bob and Zippy were sitting together on the train back to Canterlot. She, her dam, and two other moms(along with a younger sister), were in the train car ahead of them. They were heading to Canterlot with the human for the trial of Bolt Strike, after he had attacked Bob. Luckily for the human, Celestia and Luna’s efforts in healing Bob as soon as they could, and with a quick scan at the hospital, the human was mostly fine. Save for having to take it easy; a healing spell can make a huge difference, but there was still some room that Bob’s body had to recover from.
For instance, his right arm was actually broken, and a few healing spells made it so it just needed to be put in a cast for a couple of weeks instead of having to wear a cast and a sling for nearly six weeks. There were some bandages around the human’s head. Bob was spared from having a concussion, but his head wasn’t healed all the way.
Aside from those injuries, which would be healed in a week or two at the latest, the human was fine.
“You want me to meet your mothers?” Bob asked, not getting up from his seat. Due to him being injured, the filly was the only pony present that could safely cuddle with the human without accidentally making things worse for him.
“Of course! I promise you, you’ll at least love my dam. She is the sweetest pony you could ever meet!”
“I dunno, Luna is pretty sweet,” the human mused. Chrysalis was laying with Celestia and Luna on a couch. The Queen and the Princess were snuggled up together. For once, Chrysalis seemed content to allow her marefriend to cuddle with her while sleeping; Luna’s sleep schedule was an absolute mess because of the trip, so she was trying to get back to sleeping during the days so she can resume her duties at night(and assist Celestia during day court with the aid of some very strong coffee).
Beside the bed is Bolt Strike, that Chrysalis had taken into her custody; as in he was still stuffed inside of a gym bag and regularly whacked across the head to keep him knocked out. The Princesses didn’t initially agree with the Queen’s methods, but she is the one who initially arrested the stallion to begin with, so they couldn’t do much to say otherwise. The Queen did get bored of repeatedly knocking out the stallion, and didn’t want to kill him(yet), so she hit him with a sedation spell.
Another reason the rest of Bolt Strike’s family was coming, aside from the trials, Hive and Equestrian courts are still two separate entities, that was going to end in one way. The family had tagged along while Zippy’s mothers all agreed to cast the horrible stallion out of the family. After hearing what he had done, from their eldest daughter, and were completely done. Having the Princesses immediately sign their files would allow them to skip over the whole divorce problem.
Obviously the mothers were sticking together in marriage, but Bolt Strike was flat out of luck… Assuming the punishments that Chrysalis had in mind for the stallion even left him alive by when they’re put into place.
“I bet you’ll still love my dam despite that!” Zippy coaxed. “She’s nicer than my Dad at least.” The human hummed. He was laid out on the couch, with an ice pack laid out on his head while he kept his arm on. Zippy had opted to simply lay across his legs.
“I’ll be meeting your whole family, bud. Not just your dam.”
“I know; they’ll probably like you too. Just don’t be weird and talk about philosophy again! It was really strange!”
“Hey, I’m mentally ill and spent a lot of time alone; I’m a wee bit insane and think aloud sometimes!”
“Mentally… Ill? Like your brain is ill?” Zippy asked.
“It’s a thing humans have, for instance, I have something called ADD, dunno what it means, but basically I have thoughts all the time, and I can’t stop thinking. I also can’t shut the hell up once you get me going on a topic I care about. I think Rainbow Dash has it.”
“As in… The Rainbow Dash, the Bearer of Loyalty?” The Elements of Harmony chose to ride in a normal car for the trip back to Canterlot; they wanted to give the Royals and Bob privacy for some reason. And because there wasn’t enough room for all six mares and a couch that Bob could be laid horizontally on. So despite Rainbow’s insistence, the six mares ended up in the same car as Zippy’s family.
“Eeyup.”
“Can you introduce me?”
“Sure, they’re my friends… Hmm, that is an idea for an album.”
“What?”
“An album about each Element of Harmony.”
“I’d… listen to it. I like your singing voice.”
The human’s cheeks were now red. Usually, he didn’t get flustered when complemented, he’d just groan at the praise, or roll with it… “Thanks,” the human smiled.
“Hey! I made you blush!” The filly giggled. “I’ll go get my family.” Upon hearing that, Chrysalis took Bolt Strike’s bag and shoved it in a luggage compartment. A changeling came out of nowhere with a dog cage, before it took Bolt Strike’s form and crawled in, locking itself inside. The filly gingerly hopped down from the couch that Bob was laid down on. She kissed his cheek again, leaving a sputtering human before running out to the train car ahead of them.
Moments later, a unicorn who had a pink coat and a violet mane walked in. She had an oven on her flanks, as her cutie mark. Currently, she was trying her best to ignore the filly that was pushing her inside the royal train car while two other mares walked in. One of them almost looked like a less fit version of Apple Jack, same coat, same mane tail style and color. She was a little shorter than Apple Jack and was actually a unicorn as well. She dawned a book of some sort as her cutie mark.
Upon her back was a sleepy filly who looked almost exactly like Scootaloo if she were a unicorn. Though her mane looked styled a bit more like Sweetie Belle’s, just a little curlier.
Following that mare was another, who, if you put her in a room with Twilight Velvet, you’d mistake them to be twins. She was a buff unicorn, on her flanks was a spear, and her mane was just like Twilight Velvet’s in color, though it was cut short; her tail looked about the same as both of the Twilights that Bob knew of. “Jeezs Zippy, what’s gotten you so worked up,” the third mare asked. She had a rather… southern accent, a rarity given she lives in a town that is somewhat far north.
“Look!” Zippy ran ahead of her mothers and dam, before stopping before Bob. “This is the colt I was talking about!”
“That doesn't look like a colt. Are you certain you don’t need glasses?” The third one teased again. “You did mistake jelly for peanut butter one day. Perhaps you’re color blind.”
“Mom! That was one time, and it was dark!” Zippy crossed her forelegs and pouted.
“So you’re that colt that our soon-to-be-ex-husband attacked?” The third mare asked. “I would like to apologize for his actions… Given that I am a part of the local guard, with my husband being on the reserves, he should know better than to attack others that can’t fight back… though he did break a pegasus’s wings once… I’m Pike Shaft, I’m the ‘third wife’ of that bastard over there.”
“I think your husband’s just racist,” Bob shrugged. “I’m Bob, and before you yell at the thing in the cage, that’s a changeling pretending to be your piece-o-shit husband. Your husband’s actually stuck in a gym bag, in a luggage compartment next to Queen Chrysalis,” the human gestured to the Queen who was giving the family an innocent look.
“Now Bob, I would never treat a prisoner so poorly… Until recently, that is.”
“Can we see him?” The first mare asked, who Bob was assuming Zippy’s dam.
“He is rather… beaten up. I might have… stomped on his forelegs until I heard a ‘snap’, kicked him in the chest, and punched him in the face several times.” Chrysalis mused. “It’s a wonder, with how fragile unicorns usually are, that I didn’t accidentally kill him. It would’ve been a mercy compared to what’s to come.”
“Why?” Zippy’s dam asked. “I just want to spit on him, like he did to me a few weeks ago before he tried hitting me… until Pike stepped in.”
“He is facing trials for the same crime he committed against Bob twice, Mrs. Carte,” Celestia said. “While by law, he must be tried in an Equestrian court, Bob is legally a citizen of another country as well as Equestria. Since Chrysalis was the one who apprehended your husband, and due to the crimes he committed against her citizen, she’s allowed to put him on trial as soon as he is found guilty of assaulting a minor. I’m hearing domestic abuse is going to be added to the list of charges,” Princess Celestia answered. “She will be ruling the punishments as well.”
“And he abused one of his mates,” Chrysalis hums. “I am not shocked at all. Trust me when I say every mate should be loved and cherished . You list a torture method, and I will add it to what I am already going to do to this pile of filth,” the Queen pulled the bag out of the luggage which landed with a ‘thud’. She unzipped it, before pulling out the groaning, barely conscious stallion’s head out of the bag.
What shocks Bob is that none of his wives, or children, seem to even bat an eye or react… The second wife, or the one that isn’t Zippy’s dam or Pike, has a black eye.
“Jesus christ, how fucking horrible of a pony was he?” Bob asked.
“He pretended to be nice when he first started dating every one of us,” Carte growled. “Then once we joined the herd, he started trying to beat us and made us keep quiet. Pike is the only one here who he couldn’t hit, and she did her best to keep the rest of us safe… though with her line of work, it’s hard for her to be there all the time.”
“Jesus christ…” Bob growled. “With how much my Dad talked about my Mom, it sounded like he was devastated when she passed away. He loved her… You don’t beat somebody up after vowing to spend the rest of your life comforting and cherishing them. That… that just doesn’t sit right with me.” That actually got Carte to smile.
“I believe we got a bit carried away,” Pike said, socking her husband in the jaw, knocking a tooth out of it. “You and our daughter are datin’ right?” She asked.
“We started after I woke up in the hospital. It’s weird, for a lot of reasons, but I’m willing to put it aside. I also know the two of us literally just got started, and I’m apparently dating Rainbow Dash too, dunno how that’s gonna work. But… We’re doing it, and I think Rainbow won’t mind given that she probably prefers mares, and I think Zippy’s a fan of her.”
“Well, the Elements Bearers are national heroes…” Carte mused. “I know she finds Rainbow to be the prettiest of the six, which is ironic given that I believe the Element of Generosity, Rarity I believe, is a fashionista.”
“They were in the train car with ya, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind a meet and greet with you guys,” Bob suggests.
“It would be rude. It seems like the six of them were worrying about something… if you’re friends with, and dating one of’em, we can assume they’re worried about you.”
Rainbow Dash trotted in, glaring up a storm until… she paused. “Wait, why were you guys storming in here? Nopony’s fighting!”
“Somepony,” Carte nuzzled Bob, who was actually shocked at how soft she was. “Is dating my daughter.”
“Oh… Wait, Bob, what about us?”
“I thought polygamy was a thing,” Bob answered.
“It is… We’re all going to be dating, right?” Rainbow asked. Bob nodded. “It’ll be a bit weird to be dating-”
“I got my cutie mark, I’m sixteen. I can consent,” Zippy points out.
“True…”
“Also give Zippy a bit to get used to you,” Bob adds. “She’s a fan of yours and thinks you’re pretty.” Now, both ponies were blushing rather heavily. “So, what are you three doing after your husband gets shipped off to somewhere worse than hell?”
“We were thinking of selling our home and moving to a smaller town,” Pike spoke up, clearly the lead mare. The second hadn’t even spoken, and she was apparently responsible for keeping the herd safe from their shitty husband and sire.
“Ponyville would be nice,” the second one spoke up. “It sounds quieter, and you could probably become a captain of the town’s guard. On top of that,” she genuinely smiles. “Zippy would be closer to her special somepones.”
“That is a good argument, Fritters. Though transitioning-”
“I can get it set up for you three,” Celestia and Luna say at the same time, before chuckling.
“We can have guards move anything you wish, and rent a home out to you for a bit a year until you and your family get settled in. I can give a good word for you should you apply to the Royal Guard, or the Ponyville Guard, which should instantly land you a job.”
“And Pinkie probably wouldn’t mind another coworker,” Bob points out, gesturing to Carte
“Oh my, first my daughter and then me? A little adventurous, I see!”
“What?”
“You stared at my cutie mark, where is that located, young stallion?” Carte asks with a tease.
“Okay, this is getting fucking weird. What the fuck-”
“I’m just pullin’ your leg. I just need you to promise me something should you and Zippy and Rainbow get to the point of marrying-”
“Keep’em safe, take care of your daughter. Trust me, the very moment I hurt Zippy is the moment I’m probably better off in a gym bag like your husband,” Bob answers. “I can’t promise the most stable income though, with me being a musician. I’ve been saving every bit I make though, which…”
“It’s nearly thirty grand, Bob. I did your taxes for you,” Luna points out. “You could buy a house and probably retire at the age if… now with two, maybe three wives.” She bobbed her eyebrows. “If you don’t overspend and budget well.” That gets a whistle out of Pike.
“Holy sweet mother of Celestia,” the guardmare was agape. “I didn’t know you were rich!”
“I didn’t either!” Zippy yelled.
“I didn’t know I even had that many bits!” Bob throws his good arm in the air. “Well darn…”
“You do realize that the mares are the breadwinners in the house, right?” Carte asked.
“And stallions, or guys, are the breadwinners amongst humans. I’d feel weird if I couldn't at least spoil your daughter to hell and back every now and then.”
“Fair enough. Though I’m sure you already do that enough,” Bob looked down to see that his good hand was idly stroking Zippy’s ears; the filly was sitting there with a drunken smile while blissfully humming as she got an ear massage.
“Her Dad pounced on me because I did this, and you’re cool with it. What the actual… I don’t care, actually. Dude probably didn’t even know how to treat a woman,” he points at Fritters. “That’s a black eye, ain’t it?”
“...Out of all of us, I’m the easiest mare to pick on,” Fritters admits. “I’m not much of a fighter; I’m a cook, a baker… I just want to sit at the dinner table, watching my family enjoy a meal that I cooked for them. Then my husband comes home after a ‘rough day’ which just involves the bartender not giving him an extra shot, and he usually ends up coming home first since he only works part time at a Hayburgers; he’s a reserve for the guard so he isn’t always working for them… or paid for his ‘services’.”
The mothers all walked up to Bob, one at a time, and nuzzled him and wished him luck when it came to dating the ‘little terror’. When they were done, the human was left alone on the couch again with Zippy. Rainbow Dash figured she could lay on his legs, as those were the only things on Bob’s body that everypony knew, for sure, weren't broken. Unicorns, being relatively lighter compared to earth ponies, and pegasi being even lighter than that, made it somewhat safe for them to cuddle with Bob.
Especially after Luna hit Bob’s bones with a few, permanent, enchantments to make his bones stronger.
Bob was her human, and she was going to ensure he couldn’t get injured again.
By the time they got to Canterlot, it was already sundown, Zippy got a real kick after watching the Royal Pony Sisters do their whole sun and moon ritual. They all piled out and settled down for the night. Bob, despite wanting to, was denied Luna Snuggle TIme because she ‘might accidentally roll on top of him and break something again’. So he was forced into cuddling up with Zippy and Rainbow Dash for the night. While Bob wasn’t complaining, he still would’ve liked to have Luna there…
But hey, he got to cuddle with his herd at least…
The human laid in thought, with two adorable mares laying across his legs, like Rainbow Dash was, or had their snout jammed into his armpit like Zippy was. While he could very easily think of the two ponies he was snuggling with as people, his human brain felt a little conflicted. On one hand, Dash and Zippy were more than just some dumb animals, and were very pretty… With Zippy having a tried and true mane and coat color of yellow and black, while Rainbow’s… well, rainbow mane and tail were awesome. The human was having a hard time distinguishing them from ‘pretty animal’ and ‘pretty ladies’.
Granted, he was sure Rainbow and Zippy were having a hard time finding him physically attractive, so he must be acting in some way shape, or form that the two like. The human didn’t know what he was doing, but he’ll just keep being him if it means having somebody to love. Two somebodies, in this case.
Another thing, polygamy. Having two girlfriends, who were already getting along, was weird. While in some countries, that was a normal, everyday thing, that definitely wasn’t the case anywhere in North America. But… he could love two ponies and neither of them would give him a hard time. Possibly three when he’s twenty, since Luna’s very much stated her interest in him. Bob kissed Zippy, since she was the only one he could kiss without sitting up, but didn’t hesitate to give Rainbow a quick ear scratch with his good arm.
“You can’t sleep, can you?” Rainbow asked, her eyes cracked open slightly, and ZIppy did as well.
“Human things,” Bob said dismissively. “Okay, that clearly can’t be an excuse,” he sighed. Zippy pulled herself away from the human, sitting next to Rainbow who sat up and yawned. “You two know how I’m not from this world, I’m assuming. It’s one of the first things I told both of you guys.”
“...Oh,” Rainbow, while she wasn’t the smartest pony in the room, quickly caught on.
“You said ponies exist where you came from, didn’t you?” Zippy asked.
“Yeah. They weren’t anything like the ponies here. Less colorful, smaller eyes…” The human looked them both in the eyes. “Less intelligent. Like humans, on Earth, are the only sapient creatures on the planet. Everything’s-”
“Sapient? Don’t you mean sentient?” Rainbow asked.
“‘Sentient’ means a being can feel. For instance, a dog can think and feel emotions. You wouldn’t consider said dog to be as smart as… say Scootaloo. It can’t reason like a normal pony, or human can.”
“Yeah, I love Tank, but I wouldn’t call him the smartest buddy in the world,” Rainbow admits.
“Well, sapience goes with sentience. I would consider you sapient, because you can think and reason. You can use logic. On Earth, humans are the only things on the planet that are both sentient, and sapient. We knew we existed, but we wanted to know why we existed. Where most animals saw the stars and thought ‘time to go to sleep’ humans thought about touching said stars and went and did it…”
“So ponies on earth aren’t smart, at all?” Zippy asked.
“Yeah… And I dunno how it is for you two, but I’m… I’m gonna be real. I find you both to be really pretty, but my stupid brain and upbringing can’t find you attractive .”
“Hey, I stuck around because you were genuinely nice, you’re pretty damn humble,” Rainbow admits. “You just happened to be nice and say… a lot of nice things about me.”
“You were just really nice,” Zippy hums. “You called me fluffy.”
“...That’s a good thing.”
“It is, it’s how stallions flirt ,” Rainbow says while smirking. She quickly becomes serious. “Seriously Bob, as long as the three of us, maybe four if Princess Luna joins us in the future, get along it’s fine. You love us, don’t you?”
“I love ya Rainbow, I need a wee bit more time with Zippy, but I do like her, almost love her… No offense, Zips.”
“It’s fine,” the filly nuzzles into Bob’s chest, being careful of his broken arm. “We did really only get the chance to talk to each other over the course of a few days. I do love you though.” She cooed when a jaw scratch was his answer to that. “A little harder please?” The human was more than willing to comply
“Hey, you two have arms!” Rainbow pouted.
“Uh…”
“Bob, I’m joking. One of your arms is broken; I don’t know about you, but I don’t think you should take it out of its cast just to scratch my jaw.” She walked around Bob and slowly pulled him down, until he was using the side of the pegasus’s belly as a pillow. “I think it’s time we both show how much we like you, Bob.” Zippy and Rainbow grinned maliciously before they started grooming the human’s head…
It felt nice, admittedly.
“Oh… that is weirdly nice,” the human closed his eyes, and before long, he was fast asleep.
Meanwhile, Celestia, Luna and Chrysalis were discussing Bolt Strike’s fate.
“I’ll just take him,” the Queen suggests. “He is my prisoner, and you two were going to hold his trial since the fool comitted a crime in front of both of you.”
“That is completely fair, it is a private trial, after all…” Celestia mused. “What were you planning on doing to him?”
“Things that would be considered illegal to do to anypony in the dungeons. Namely torture, being beaten, and then becoming a love slave for my changelings to feed on.”
“Very well, Chrysalis. Do take care!” Celestia waved as the Queen walked up and nuzzled Luna on the nose, before fully kissing her.
While Luna was concerned with Chrysalis being a future wife of hers, she could admit that watching Chrysalis beat Tartarus into Bolt Strike was rather attractive… So she returned the kiss. “Don’t worry, Luna. I am aware of how poor my treatment of you, up to this point was. It has… it's been a while since I last had a mate. Do forgive me if I am rough around the edges,” the Queen whispered. Her ears flattened. “And sorry for dragging you through Canterlot, on your face, on Hearts and Hooves day.”
“...You know?”
“Of course I do, I can sense your emotions, dear. While I didn’t let it show, I did know what you were feeling… And I’m not an idiot. I will start trying to treat you better.” She nuzzled Luna. “You, me, tomorrow night. I will cook something for you.”
“That… actually sounds kind of nice.” The two nuzzled each other before the Queen took Bolt Strike, who was still in the gym bag, in her magic and trotted towards the balcony. She jumped off and started buzzing away into the night.
Meanwhile…
“I didn’t think that would work so well,” Rainbow was laughing. Despite the constant moving of his sentient pillow, Bob didn’t stir.
“The first colt I groom, and he ends up falling asleep,” Zippy giggled. “Hey look,” the human, with his good arm, latched onto Rainbow’s right foreleg, and was holding onto it. The pair of mares giggled, before they nuzzled into their special somepony to finally get some sleep in them as well.
Author's Note
so now bob’s in a herd. i’m not gonna suddenly turn this story in anything nsfw, nor will there suddenly be sex scenes or implied sex scenes.
Bob and Zippy are nearly 17, and while they are technically legal in Equestria, that doesn’t mean i’m cool with writing such scenes with them.
i also plan on hopefully writing these relationships to the point where Bob doesn’t feel weird about dating ponies.
Meanwhile, Luna and Chryssy might become a better couple… if Chryssy treats her mare well.
Twilight's a Princess Now
All that was left was a scorch mark. That was it. Nothing was left of the lavender unicorn that Bob had come to consider family. She was gone. One moment, she was celebrating with her friends, having made a solution to an old, ancient spell that had come so close to ruining those friends. The human slowly walked over to the spell. He read it over, and over, trying to figure out how a seemingly random sentence could make his sister disappear. The rest of Twilight’s friends weren’t doing too much better. Zippy and Rainbow teamed up, looking high and low for an answer. Apple Jack and Rarity ran to try and get some of the town folk in on their missing friend.
Pinkie was wearing a detective hat, eying the scorch mark that was Twilight mere moments ago. Fluttershy was just crying.
“Bob, c’mon,” Rainbow nudged him. “Maybe we can-”
“Dash,” Bob said sternly. “I don’t think we can find Twilight. How can we find Twilight? What is even left of her? She’s fucking gone .” Bob glared down at the spell. “I can’t even be mad at anyone; how could anybody know what this spell would do? Even Celestia didn’t know what the spell would do; she sent it to Twilight for that reason after all. While that’s fine and dandy, my sister is fucking dead .” Bob sighed and dropped to his knees. “God. I can’t even have siblings without something going wrong.”
“Guys!” Apple Jack damn near knocked the door off its hinges. Daylight was starting to wane as Luna’s Moon rose in the east. It was nearing night time. “There’s a huge flash of light over Town Hall!” The farm pony shouted. “It looks like Twilight’s Cutie Mark!”
Bob immediately perked up. “No way…” The human got to his feet and ran past Apple Jack at a speed that shocked everypony. While it certainly wasn’t fast, none of them had really ever seen Bob break off into a dead sprint like that. The only time the human had ever run that fast was when trying to flee the Royal Guards that were chasing him just before he was sent to Ponyville. The human barreled past several ponies that were watching as the light, now a full rendition of Twilight’s Cutie Mark slowly touched the ground.
Despite Bob’s efforts, Rainbow Dash did get to Town Square first, but even she couldn’t comprehend how fast Bob reacted. The very moment the light dissipated, Twilight stood to full height and revealed two new appendages. However, before anyone else could react, Bob tackled Twilight. Regardless of his injuries, Bob barreled into the, now, alicorn at full speed, tackling her and nuzzling his cheek into his adoptive sister. Wings be damned, he was just happy that Twilight was okay.
“Bob!’ Twilight giggled as the human nuzzled her cheek with his own. “What-”
“You were missing for fucking hours! I caught the tail end of you blowing up . Let me have this, Twi.” Bob said his body weight made Twilight lower herself to her knees. Most of the town, that was already in awe at the sight of a new alicorn, ‘awed’ when the two siblings nuzzled into each other. Twilight, now fully understanding why her little, adoptive brother was so clingy, allowed Bob to cry into her neck and hold her tightly. Rainbow was gushing about a new flying buddy while every one of her friends were still shocked.
“Wow, you look just like a Princess!” Fluttershy remarks.
“That’s because… she is a Princess.” Everyone turned to face Princess Celestia, who just made a graceful landing. Even if Bob caught her almost stumbling and tripping on her face for half a second. The human slowly pulled back, realizing what this all implied. While Princess Celestia and Luna are clear exceptions, both have mentioned how a normal alicorn such as Cadance would still live for at least five hundred years. Twilight would easily out live him, her brother, each one of her friends, and so many ponies.
“Hold it the fuck up.” Bob pulled back. “Celestia, while I’m glad and happy for Twilight, I can’t help but ignore the implications of her being a Princess.”
Everypony in Ponyville stopped, their eyes now on Bob.
“What do you mean, Bob?” Celestia asked.
“Twilight’s gonna be around for a while, your highness. A long while. She literally can’t have a normal life anymore, given her new status that you’re shoving onto her,” Bob was now holding Twilight’s head to his chest, like he was the older of the two. His gaze softened as he looked down at the alicorn in his arms. “I’m proud of you, I really am, sis. But I… Really don’t like what this all implies for you, or your future.”
“What do you mean?”
“Twi,” Bob whispered, gesturing to all of her friends. “I’ll let Celestia handle telling you what this implies; she’ll know more than I will. Just… Make sure you cherish everyday with your friends. I sure wish I did just that on Earth before ending up in Equestria.” Twilight tilted her head before deciding that her little brother was being over dramatic.
“Now Twilight, we must head off to Canterlot to begin the preparations for your coronation!” Celestia pointed to the chariot that was now touching down. “The coronation will be happening in four days. Train tickets and castle rooms are already set up for your friends. It’ll be here tomorrow morning so that you all can pack up and get ready for the coronation!” The Sun Princess giggled when Twilight tried getting up, only for the human to not let her go.
“Bob…”
“Twilight,” the human started. “I already lost three brothers. I thought I lost my sister too. You aren’t leaving my sight.”
“Bob, I’ll be in a chariot with Princess Celestia! I’ll see you tomorrow morning after you get off the train, I promise.” Bob didn’t look convinced, opting to hold onto the alicorn for a moment longer. “C’mon… we can’t keep Princess Celestia wait-” only then did what Bob said set in. “ing… Bob, you thought I died?” The human simply remained silent. Since the newly ascended alicorn couldn’t exactly twist her neck around, she could only assume the answer. “I won’t randomly get killed, Bob. Trust me on this.”
“You know,” Celestia rested a wing over both siblings. “There is enough room for one human and two ponies in the chariot,” the Sun Princess whispered. “Trust me, I know what you’re feeling Bob. I know it more than you could ever imagine. And while I have wronged you in the past, I’ll be damned if I separate you two right now.” Now satisfied with the option presented, Bob, with one arm, lifted Twilight up after slipping said arm under her forelegs.
“Bob!” Twilight yelped, before accepting what was happening. “What the buck?” She asked after the three of them piled into the chariot.
“You might be the older of the two of us, but I know you still like being carried around.”
“I’m not complaining about that! What about your arm?!”
“I didn’t use my bad arm. You woulda heard a snap if I did; you’re heavy.”
“I am not fat.” Their conversation was so loud that most of Ponyville could still hear them when they were in the air. It certainly was an experience, the Little Librarian that made residence in their town was going to be a Princess… of what, they weren’t sure, but there was going to now be a fourth princess. That fourth princess was having a casual, very loud, conversation with her adopted, alien of a brother.
“I wasn’t saying you’re fat, but you are heavy. Celestia’s heavy, but I wouldn’t call her fat. Nothing but muscle, fluff, and mischievousness.”
“You just called two mares fat , Bob. I think you should just be quiet.”
The very next day, Twilight was pulled out of bed to go greet her friends. The two of them were sharing a bed, since Bob carried the soon-to-be-princess throughout the castle, only for her to fall asleep in his arms after all the excitement of the day before. So Bob was just sitting idly, Azolf managed to apparently stick himself to the bottom of the chariot that took the human and alicorn to Canterlot, so most of his morning, and the next few days was spent petting Azolf, being seen to by Rarity to make sure his new suit fit, and him writing a song.
Because for some reason, part of the coronation involved giving Twilight a song. While they were giving a common, traditional song to the alicorn, Bob figured it would be more fun to sing a song. And apparently Celestia did too. She walked in on the human, hunched over something. Bob was bone dead tired, having just spent the whole first day in Canterlot writing the song itself. He had managed to steal a guitar from somewhere and was practicing it.
“You know,” Celestia started. “I might have you play that on stage before we reveal Princess Twilight to Equestria.”
“Cool.” The sleep deprived teen said. Zippy was sitting on the bed, Azolf was forced out of the room, and the filly was Rainbow Dash’s plus one. She giggled as the human almost flawlessly played the song again before attempting to sing it. The human’s body was on autopilot before it slumped over from exhaustion by the second chorus.
“He was so into writing that he didn’t even notice me walking in here,” Zippy giggled and clapped her hooves. “The way his nose scrunched up, or his eyes widened when he had an idea or was struggling to come up with an idea was adorable!” she hopped down from the bed and nuzzled her coltfriend.
“I must say, it is impressive that Bob could play the guitar while being on the verge of collapsing like he was. Flawlessly too.”
“Ergh… Luna stop nuzzling me, it tickles,” Bob grumbled in his sleep as he slumped over. In a heartbeat, the Princess of the Night teleported in.
“Darnit, he’s already knocked out. I was just informed that the human was in Canterlot to join in on the coronation of a new princess… And he’s fast asleep already.” Luna pouted for a brief moment, before she walked up to Bob, nuzzled him, and turned to go resume her nightly duties and to get harassed by Rarity about her dress for the coronation. At Bob’s suggestion, Luna had decided to go without a dress, as in Bob’s words:
“Luna looks fucking adorable in a suit.”
So that’s what Luna was doing, even if it was against ‘tradition’ for a Princess to wear a dress to another’s coronation setting. On top of that, Celestia even suggested it to ‘appease her favorite little human’. Rarity was less than thrilled.
On the fourth day, it was time for the coronation. Bob’s sheet music was copied down and given to an entire orchestra to play while the human sang along. Despite agreeing to do this, the human had no idea he was supposed to; there isn’t much one can remember while running on zero sleep after fixating on a song. It really wasn’t an original piece, but Bob figured that he could steal a page from Weird Al. The human stood in front of a microphone while his fellow musicians were preparing.
Octavia Melody was leading the cello section. Surprisingly, Vinyl Scratch was playing what looked like an electric drum kit that she built herself. The human figured he would have to ask Vinyl about it afterwards. “And a wonderful song was written for this spectacular moment. Think of it… as an introduction to our newest Princess!” Princess Celestia said at the end of her speech. Twilight was meant to make an appearance after the ‘concert’. The human’s heart was pounding, adrenaline coursed through his veins, before he closed his eyes and thought of every single pony being bald instead of having fur. The human giggled before taking a deep breath. “One, two, three, four!”
“A long, long time ago ,” The choir began as Bob strummed the guitar. It wasn’t a long performance, but it was a lengthy one. By the end of it, Princess Celestia was singing her part, while Bob retreated to get in the crowd with everyone else. The human smiled when the whole crowd started applauding Celestia’s part, while completely forgetting that he was there. The human and every musician participating were going to be credited, and apparently paid, for their work so Bob didn’t really mind.
After all, it probably wasn’t everyday that the Princess sang to thousands of ponies. Twilight came out onto the balcony, beginning her speech. One of studying friendship, of her hardships, of everyone she met along the way to get to that point. Bob thought it was a great speech, even if it was a bit cheesy, but he still clapped and cheered as the castle gates opened up to reveal Twilight being pulled in a chariot along by a couple of guards. Twilight’s friends, for some reason, were allowed to run past the guards and join her, while Twilight began to singing.
Bob hopped out of the crowd to join them, since Zippy was skipping alongside Rainbow Dash, both of whom looked… Dashing in their dresses. Zippy had a simple, black dress with a lightning pattern going through it. Her hat was of a design that Bob suggested, which was just a baseball cap with her cutie mark on the front. The dress had several ribbons with blue, red, and yellow mixed in. All of them were colors that went perfectly… If she weren’t so far away, and it being uncalled for at a ceremony, Bob would’ve run up and booped the filly on the nose.
Rainbow was wearing a simple, hot purple dress with yellow lining edges just before it fluffed out. The dress had a tie on her rear, covering her tail. Upon her head was a similarly colored fedora with a phoenix feather sticking out the band. There were two slits in the dress, which allowed the pegasus to comfortably flap her wings as she trotted beside the rest of the girls. Her normally messy mane was held in a ponytail, funnily enough, and was neatly braided near the top.
As soon as Bob made it past one of the guards, he was tackled into the ground… only for pink magic to envelope the guards as the human ran on without knowing. Two guards were going to get an earful from their captain, it seems. Nopony seemed to mind, or care when Bob quickly caught up, and started stretching his stride to keep up with the girls. Bob quickly worked out what Twilight was singing and couldn’t help but sing along as well.
The human had a huge smile on his face; it was hard to not live in the moment. They reached the wall, and soon all the ponies in their group, that had wings, took off. Twilight glided into the city, before climbing higher using her momentum as Rainbow Dash helped the newly crowned Princess reach new heights. Fluttershy was the slowest of the three, but was happy to just be present.
The next day, Princess Celestia said it would be unfair to thrust Twilight Sparkle into her Princess duties just yet. So they were going to have a Princess Summit up in the Crystal Empire as a seminar for the younger Princesses in Equestria, those being Cadance and Twilight. Before that though, Bob pulled Celestia to the side and requested a meeting with her as soon as she could. Given that they were waiting for the Royal Train to be set up, with the girls heading back to Ponyville to get packed up for the longer trip to the Empire, there was plenty of time for a quick little meeting.
“So,” Bob said, sitting in the sitting room with Celestia. “What are the implications of Twilight being an alicorn? She’s gonna outlive her friends?”
“...No. Her friends will live as long as Twilight does; much like the Sun and Moon, those tied with the Elements of Harmony tend to live for much longer. As long as she and her friends… remain friends, their respective Elements will keep them alive for centuries to come.” Celestia admitted. “I don’t know why you’re so dead set on finding out what will happen to Twilight. She’ll be fine.”
“...I was making sure she wouldn’t go nuts in time. Humans aren’t built for living past a hundred years if we’re lucky, and by extension, our brains aren’t wired to either. I know pony brains are different, but I wanted to know if Twilight would be burying every single pony she met in the years to come… Wait, so technically Twilight and my friends are immortal?”
“So long as their Elements have power, and as long as they remain friends.” Celestia nods.
“Shit dude… I don’t even wanna imagine what AJ would look like while attending her little sister’s funeral… I can’t even be there to comfort any of them because I’ll likely get buried by Twilight long before she looks a day over thirty…” Bob paused. “Rainbow’s gonna watch me and Zippy fade into dust, Princess. I can’t… I can’t fathom that.”
“I know Bob, I know. The life those six mares are going to lead will not be the most pleasant one. Please… keep their lifespans secret.”
“You best tell them at some point then.” Bob sighed. “Shit… Twilight was gonna easily outlive me no matter if she were an alicorn or not.”
“She will remember you, Bob,” Celestia walked around the table and laid a wing over Bob. “She’ll love you dearly for as long as she lives.”
“...Good. I don’t care about how long I live; I just hope I can make an impact.” The human nuzzled into the alicorn. “Luna will remember me too?”
“She wouldn’t dare think of ever forgetting you.” They both sighed. “Come now, you have a train to catch, unless you wish to be separated from Twilight again?”
“Fuck that, I ain’t letting her leave this city without me nearby to boop her snoot!”
“Come, let us make haste! We might be able to get you on the train back to Ponyville before long!”
Bonus Chapter: The Mirror
“Oh jesus fucking christ,” Bob said, hopping off the train. His legs were somewhat wobbly, having been basically sitting down all week, due to the duration of the train ride. He hobbled forward, his backpack hung limply with his left arm. This was the first time he was ever seeing the Crystal Empire. There was one word to describe the incredible sight before him. It was shiny. Every single thing was shiny, the ponies were shiny, the roads, the trees, the grass was shiny. There were six, huge roads that led in from the outskirts of the Empire that led towards a giant castle that almost resembled the Eiffel Tower. Judging from the map, this whole city was the Crystal Empire.
And due to its size, it was still easily bigger than Manehattan, which was Equestria’s ‘largest’ city. While the pony equivalent of Bob’s home still held the title by technicality, with the Empire being considered… an empire and not just a city, it was considered a protectorate of Equestria. It obviously had an alicorn looking over it, and was very close to Equestria due to how both were ruled by ponies.
To say that Bob was at a loss for words was an understatement.
Zippy, who was riding on Bob’s back, got a better view of the city than if she were on her hooves. Despite both of them wanting to dart ahead and explore, the unicorn could only really move with the human because of her choice in vehicles. The human knew that after the Princess Summit, or during it, that there would be plenty of time for the two of them to go see the sights. The Element Bearers, despite having already seen the Empire, were still enamored by how beautiful it was.
The group began walking towards the castle with Twilight at the forefront. Bob, Rainbow and Zippy were just behind her, all walking side by side, save for Zippy since Bob was still carrying her. He was given the okay to take the cast off his arm, so long as he doesn’t overwork his arm and do regular physical therapy for it.
“Bob, can you put me down before we get into the castle? I don’t want to get embarrassed in front of a bunch of guards,” the filly whispered.
“You got it. Though, you don’t mind being carried throughout the whole city.”
“That’s different. Who cares what other ponies think? I just want to make a good first impression with Princess Cadance, since apparently you also know her.”
“She’ll probably prefer it if she saw you riding on my back. Princess of Love, she’ll sense something between us and probably inwardly gush at the sight of all of this,” Bob used his head to gestured to the two of them. “And Rainbow, who is a walking pile of muscle, so I can’t carry her very easily.”
“You carry Luna, and she’s way heavier!” Rainbow took to the air and threw her hooves up. She hovered, only moving slightly backwards while facing the human. “And she’s more than just ‘muscle’.”
“Fair, but also Luna throws my back out whenever I pick her up for just a few moments. I can carry anyone here just fine, just not for very long, or without me feeling it in the morning… Well, I don’t think I can even carry Apple Jack; she’s somehow heavier than Luna is.”
“Well,” Twilight started before Apple Jack could even open her mouth. “Earth Ponies, on average, are a lot heavier than even alicorns. AJ’s still heavier than I am, and I’m a little taller than she is now.”
“And she’s more muscle than she is a pony. Like more muscly than Rainbow is,” Bob pointed out.
“Hey! You’re my coltfriend! You should be saying I have more muscle!”
“Well, you’re a lot faster and more agile than AJ is. I’d say y’all are both the same in different ways. Raw strength? AJ’s gotcha beat, earth ponies are stronger and harder than pegasi. You’re pretty damn strong for a pegasus, but your whole thing is speed. Y’all are great athletes in your own ways,” Bob reasoned.
“...And I can’t even argue with you on that. God dammit, Bob, stop being an egghead! You’re supposed to be her cool, younger brother.”
“Ey, you’re using ‘god dammit’ now,” Bob smirked.
“It’s a fun saying. Just like when you told that rude train attendant to ‘eat a giant pile of shut the fuck up’. Even if it is kinda rude”
“In all fairness,” Carte said, being there specifically to keep watch over her daughter. Her two wives had to stay behind in order to establish themselves in Ponyville. “That train attendant almost threw Bob off the train. I think she deserved it.”
“She woulda gotten away with it too, if my sibling wasn’t a fucking alicorn,” Bob grumbled. “Seriously, to this day, I’m really only accepted in Ponyville and tolerated in Canterlot. I’m kinda sick of that, but I can’t really do much, can I?”
“I still can’t believe I had to pull the Princess card on that, sorry for my language, bitch just to keep her from tossing you off the train while it was still moving.” Bob smirked. “What?”
“Great, I’m corrupting you and Rainbow Dash. Y’all are using human swears now… and I’m all for it. Granted, hearing you swear feels so damn wrong, yet oddly adorable.”
“Say, Twilight, where is your crown?” Rarity asked. “I would, personally, be wearing it all the time if I were you.”
“I put it in Bob’s bag, on top of all his clothes.”
“Why? You’re a Princess-”
“She’s done riding that high, Rarity. I think she figured out what being a Princess means. No normal life, it’s probably pretty stressful if Celestia and Luna are any indicator of that. I am willing to bet that she’s not super excited about being a princess.” Bob knelt down and Zippy hopped off his back. A smirk grew on his face. “Want to pull a fun prank, Twi? It is kinda late, and it’ll be believable.”
“What’s the prank?”
“I carry you into your welcoming party, while you’re ‘sleeping’ and we pretend like nothing is wrong.”
“But…”
“C’mon, it’s a harmless prank. The Princesses, not one of them, will care. Celestia’s gonna think it’s adorable, Luna will just love taking the piss out of any nobles that are in the Empire at the moment, and Cadance will probably just be happy to see us.” Twilight hummed. “C’mon, it’ll be funny at least.”
“...Okay,” Bob knelt down and spread his arms. Bob nearly almost dropped the alicorn, before steadying himself, repositioning how he was holding Twilight, and then stood up. They walked into the little beam of light in the center that proved to be a teleporter of sorts. You just walk right on into the light and find yourself in the castle in the blink of an eye. Bob didn’t do much sightseeing, he was just making sure he wouldn’t accidentally drop his sister, until the two had an idea, which saved them both a lot of effort… “Why didn’t we do this early?” Bob asked, now holding Twilight on his back, like he was with Zippy not too long ago.
“I don’t know. Isn’t this bad for your back?”
“Eh, I’ll develop back problems when I’m sixty anyways. It’ll be fine. I would rather not have back problems when I’m seventeen, but I can’t not deny a piggyback ride to you, Luna, or Celestia if she shrunk herself down… I might give one to Cadance while we’re here. Out of all of you, she and Luna are tied for the fluffiest pony.” Nopony could really argue there; the human was an expert in petting, and knew which ponies were the best to pet, apparently. Of course, in their opinion, only one pony should ever be petted.
That pony was themself. Imagine you’re Apple Jack, only you would want to be petted by Bob, therefore, you’re the best pony to be petted.
“Now presenting Princess Twilight Sparkle!” The human walked in, Sparkle still on his back, while the two of them and their friends walked on through. Twilight was actually, genuinely sleepy, so she rested her head on top of Bob’s, making some of the usually stoic guards even blink, widen their eyes, and almost ‘aw’ at the sight. The alicorns present were all happily smiling, though Celestia and Cadance had more genuine smiles. Of course, as soon as Twilight remembered who she was going to be meeting, she tapped Bob’s shoulders, and was promptly let down.
“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake. Clap your hooves and do a little shake!” Cadance and Twilight almost sang-songed as they greeted each other.
Bob immediately tackled Celestia, which almost made every guard jump into action, only to stop when Celestia pulled the human into a genuine wing hug; the first time she’s done it herself without being prompted by the human, or with slight, very slight flinching in the beginning. “Hello, Bob! I am glad to see that your arm is healing rather brilliantly. Perhaps… you shall be joining us in our little meeting?”
“But Princesses only.”
“It’s more or less myself and Luna teaching Cadance and Twilight how to be Princesses, us hanging out, and a sleepover. Of course, Chrysalis will be there, as she technically is a Princess of Equestria even if the public doesn’t know. Do you think you would like to join us? I know Luna would be remiss if she didn’t have her favorite snuggle buddy.”
“I’ll join you on some nights, but me, Rainbow, and Zippy all agreed to share a room. Zip’s dam is cool with it as long as we don’t get too touchy, if you know what I mean…” The human and the Princess chuckled. “I just really wanna spend a lot of time with the two of them; they are my marefriends, after all.” Luna could accept that. Not too long afterwards, everypony was dismissed so that they could rest up after such a long train ride.
In the middle of the night, Bob was snuggling with his marefriends. Rainbow was laying longeways on the bed, with the human using the side of her stomach as a pillow. A wing was draped over the human’s face, while Zippy was laying on top of him. Her head rested just on his chest, while a hand was sitting in her mane; out of the two, Rainbow is the biggest cuddle bug, but knew that it was Zippy’s turn to receive the pats. The three of them were snoring away, well, Bob was wide awake, smiling idly as he stroked Zippy’s mane with one hand, and rubbed Rainbow’s foreleg with his other.
“Stop! Thief!” In a heartbeat, Bob and Rainbow were on their feet and hooves, while Zippy got launched into the air. She did an involuntary summersault as she came crashing down, face first, back onto the bed. Incredibly, her horn didn’t puncture the bed or break on impact, and the unicorn was still asleep. The sound of two sets of hooves, along with the pony crying being Twilight, Bob sprung into action and slammed through his door, while the other slumbering ponies gingerly opened their door just to see Twilight’s tail slip around the corner. While Bob was no speed demon, he soon followed to try and at least help his sister.
Bob trailed the alicorn and what looked to be a bright yellow unicorn with a fiery red and yellow mane and tail, ran through a closet. Bob skidded to a stop just in time to see the unicorn make a get away… into a mirror of some sort. Bob fell to his knees and skidded to a stop next to Twilight, who was still laying on the floor in shock. The human nudged and prodded her just as Rainbow Dash caught up. The rest of the Bearers soon followed. Soon, the Princesses followed.
Soon, they were all caught up on what was going on. Celestia pointed out that this unicorn, Sunset Shimmer, was once her pupil. A pupil who wasn’t satisfied with her progress as a student, and took a dark path. A path that led to her stealing Twilight’s crown before disappearing into what is dubbed as the ‘mirror’ world. They got to the mirror in the closet again and Luna explained what it was, which she and Celestia did step into once upon a time to see what was behind it. All they found was a very, very archaic town that was run by a bunch of ape-like bipeds.
That led to the current conversation they were having. “Bob likely knows more about this world than anypony in this room ever will,” Celestia said, glaring into the mirror. “Hence why I want to send him in that world with you, Twilight.”
“But this unicorn can teleport! I could sense just how strong she was! I’m not bringing Bob if he’ll end up getting hurt. Which he will do against Sunset Shimmer, who I know is powerful!”
Bob, on the other hand, was kneeling in front of the mirror after Luna had explained what it was. “Ape-like bipeds?” Bob asked.
“Indeed, they looked quite a bit like you did, Bob. Just much more colorful.” Luna pointed out. “Why do you ask?”
“This is that mirror that you and Celestia were suggesting I go through. Should I want to see more of my own kind, ain’t it?” Luna nodded. “Oh. Twi, Sunset’s probably going to be a thirty year old woman; she won’t be too dangerous. Just mostly dangerous.”
“But…”
“Twi, I can show you the basics of the world we’re going into. We can then split up and find your crown in half the time it would take if it were just you going through the portal.” The human crossed his arms and took a step away from the mirror. “And… I may want to try and see if we can’t steal a computer from somewhere and…” Bob reached into his pocket and pulled out a pouch full of bits. “I just want to get a hold of a few human luxuries if what Luna’s saying is accurate.”
“...Fine. But you are not leaving my sight, got it?” Twilight nodded. “And three days, three . Meet me wherever we end up on the third morning if we get separated.”
“Got it.” Bob nodded before taking a step back. “After you,” Twilight walked through. And before Bob could react, Spike ran in after her. The human shrugged before stepping in… Reality began to bend, break, and bend some more before fading to black.
Bob fell on his knees as soon as colors met his vision again. He checked himself over… still human. Twilight, he assumed, was sitting before her. He had to admit, she looked pretty cute even if her skin was purple. She wore a simple, purple button up blouse with a bow tie(it was the same as Twilight when she had fur). Her hair was in the same style as her mane, and the same colors. It ended around her waist. To top it off, she had knee high socks. She wore a purple skirt, that was a darker shade of purple, and had her cutie mark printed into it on the left side of it.
Spike was a purple and green bulldog. He was actually really cute as a dog, surprisingly. He was scanning around the area.
She wasn’t screaming, she was just looking at herself. “So, how is being a human? A weirdly colored human.”
“It’s… so weird,” Twilight admitted as she got to her feet after taking her brother’s hand. She stood to full height, though a bit wobbly. As it turned out, she was a tad bit taller than he was.
“It’s odd… I can almost feel the ground through these,” she pointed at her feet. “And my hands are so… sensitive.”
“Yeah, don’t touch anything sharp with those. A cut hand is a pain. Take a few steps with me,” Twilight nodded, before doing just that. In a few minutes, Twilight got accustomed to walking, something that the human couldn’t help but praise in his semi-equine sibling. “Okay… we are in front of a high school, by the looks of things, and the sign.” Bob pointed ahead. “Let’s split up; you go figure out where your crown is, and I try and get a lay out of the school.”
Twilight nodded, heading immediately towards the principal’s office, which had a window… “Is that fucking human Celestia?” Bob asked as Twilight began talking to said human Celestia. “Huh… My brain hurts now.” He shrugged before heading on ahead. A peek into the vice principal office revealed a human Luna, who actually looked really pretty to Bob. The human then spent most of the day wandering around the school building. There were three floors, though the third seemed to be off limits for some odd reason.
Despite being asked about if Bob was late to class, he wasn’t bothered. For some reason, despite him not attending the school, nobody really cared if he was there or not. “If this was America, I’d be questioned on if I was gonna kill everyone or not,” he chuckled before he rounded a corner… and bumped into somebody. That somebody had the same hair colors as Sunset Shimmer.
She wore a jean jacket that was unbuttoned, revealing a gray shirt with what was presumably her cutie mark printed into it. Her hair, much like Twilight’s, ended around her waist. She had a skirt that was only slightly darker than her yellow skin, with a stripe that matched her mane colors running down the right side of her skirt. While Twilight was pretty, despite her odd colors, Bob almost found Sunset to be very attractive.
Probably because evil girls just had an allure to them. “Watch where you’re going!” She snapped. She glared at Bob in a way that he figured was meant to be intimidating, but Bob had been stared down by bears, a pack of wolves, and even a manticore during his time in the wild… Sunset did not scare him in the slightest.
“Sorry, madam. Didn’t mean to bump into ya.” He bowed slightly while letting his accent thicken as he spoke.
“...Your accent is a bit weird,” she pointed out, almost immediately dropping how snappy she was.
“I’m from New York City, that’s why.” Bob crossed his arms. He subtly looked her up and down, before doing a quick shake of his head. Zippy and Rainbow were the only women he was going to have in his life. He wasn’t going to look for a third one any time soon. Actually a pony or not, Sunset looked human, and polygamy with another human and two ponies just seemed weird to him. “So, where are you headed?”
“Lunch. I just got done with my least favorite class, and I have this Fall Formal I have to worry about and a boatload of homework for my least favorite classes!”
“What’s your least favorite subject?” Bob asked, pretending to be friendly. “I bet I can probably help you with it.”
“It’s something called ‘science’. It’s the one subject I can’t get an A+ on!” Sunset grumbled. “How are you going to help me?”
“...I know a thing or two about science. Which branch is it? Biology or Physics?”
“It’s physics… It just makes no sense!”
“Oh, yeah, I gotchu. C’mon! I bet I can teach you a thing or two!”
The two ended up getting in the lunch line, Sunset seemed to ignore the protein options, as all of them were meat. She stuck to a simple salad without any dressing and a carton of milk. Bob… didn’t actually get anything since he wasn’t sure how accepted his bits were… and it would probably give away where he’s from if he used them. “Aren’t you getting anything?’ Sunset asked.
“Didn’t bring any lunch money. It kinda sucks, but meh. I can go without lunch.”
“...I can buy you lunch; you are helping me with my physics homework,” she pointed out as she sat down. Bob raised an eyebrow for a moment. For a person that was… apparently an asshole, she actually looked kinda concerned. “Nobody should go hungry, at least.” Bob raised another eyebrow; he would’ve expected Sunset to beat other kids up for their lunch money. She did fit the brow for such behavior.
“Nah, so what are you struggling with?” The human asked, taking a seat across from Sunset.
“This,” she showed him Sir Issac’s Laws of Physics along a list of questions to find the force, acceleration, or mass depending on the question. “I just don’t get it. It’s all math, but I don’t get what I should be adding, or multiplying or dividing!” Sunset grumbled, jamming her fork into some lettuce. “Now tell me how to do it,” She demanded in a rather… entitled tone.
“Okay so,” Bob read over a question, where he was finding the force of an object. “So the mass, or the weight of an object…” The human proceeded to walk Sunset through. “And so the Force is this,” the human pointed at the answer. “Make sure you’re using the right measurements to label your answers; I got points deducted all the time for forgetting to do that.”
“...Huh. You might be the best teacher I’ve ever had.” Sunset gave Bob a genuinely excited smile. “Thank you for helping me figure this out!” The human had to admit, Sunset was actually kinda cute when she wasn’t being a bitch and a half.
“No, you probably didn’t ask for help from the teacher, didya?”
“No, why should I? The last teacher I had dismissed me whenever I was struggling,” she said with an ounce of bitterness.
“A teacher’s there to explain the basics of a subject, and help the few students who don’t fully grasp said subject. You gotta ask for help sometimes, even if you don’t want to.” Sunset crossed her arms and grumbled something. “What?”
“It’s just good advice… Can I meet up with you after school? There’s some other subjects, like health class, that I’m struggling with-”
“I’ll meet up with ya after school, yeah. I just need to meet up with somebody before then.” Bob stood up. “See ya around, Shimmers.” For some reason, the villain blushed a little at that… That was what her ex called her.
After a few hours of loitering, doing basically nothing, having explored most of the school, Bob found Twilight sitting inside the library after school. “Howdy. Any luck in locating the crown, Twiggles?
“I know that it’s in Principal Luna’s office, and that I can easily get it back by becoming Princess of the Fall Formal-”
“We could just steal it.”
“But…”
“You think winning the Fall Formal would be fun?” Twilight nodded. “Okay, I won’t judge. If you feel like that’s how you wanna get the crown, go for it. However, we should probably get some food,” Bob lifted up his pouch of bits. “Unlike in Equestria, gold was worth a ton on earth, so maybe we can find a pawn shop and sell all these bits. Then we can getcha something to eat.”
“Okay… Did you get a map of the school?”
“Nope. However, I did bump into Sunset Shimmer and helped her out with some science homework.”
“You didn’t question her about the crown?”
“She doesn’t know who the hell I am, Twilight. I plan on capitalizing on it.”
“Capitalize?”
“Take advantage. Hell, I scored a date with her. No Twi, I’m not actually going to date her, that would be a disservice to Rainbow and Zippy.”
“You know they probably wouldn’t mind you adding a third mare to your herd if it wasn’t Sunset Shimmer, right?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, and I’d feel like a dick for not asking them before doing anything like that anyways. I’m going to go find Sunset and go on that ‘date’. Hide in the corner of the library with Spike for the night, aight?” Twilight nodded before going to do just that. Bob walked out the front of the school to find Sunset Shimmer, as all the other kids had left already, leaning up against a wall. The two stared at each other for a moment before waving.
“So, where are we heading?”
“Back to my place.”
“Aighty then, lead the way.” A few stragglers watched as the two started walking off the school canvas together. Photos were taken, promptly uploaded, and then the rumor mill started running. Bob did act like a good little, innocent kid that was new to the highschool, saying he transferred from a school far, far away. He helped her with some homework, she offered to make him dinner, and got annoyed when Bob declined the offer. The two just watched TV for an hour before Bob decided it would be best to find a pawn shop to sell off his bits.
After Bob had found a pawn shop and managed to successfully sell the whole pouch of bits for a few thousand dollars, he promptly bought a laptop that the pawnshop had. It was a rather new model, and surprisingly, had the same newer parts as some of the computers that Bob’s home had before he left. It would be more than plenty to do what he wanted with it. Bob then went to a grocery store and got some fruit and a premade salad for Twilight when she woke up…
And like any american grown child, found a mcdonalds and got a cheese burger for the fun of it. The next day, he beelined towards the library, handed Twilight the salad and apple he got her. “Since you aren’t a horse right now, don’t eat the middle of the apple; you literally can’t as a human and it can possibly kill you if you eat too many of the core.”
“...But the core is the best part!”
“And humans are very susceptible to death if they eat the core.”
“Oh…” She started eating the salad. When offered, Twi took the salad dressing and straight up drank it. “So, what’s the plan for today?”
“I dunno. I was gonna follow you around today; I got a few ideas. If anyone asks, you’re my weird little sister, because you are bound to confuse a few people with your antitics.”
“Hey!” Twilight yelled through a mouthful of lettuce. Bob snickered and let Twilight finish up her food before the two of them started heading around.
“So,” Bob started. “Since there’s a Celestia and a Luna in this world, are there any human versions of your friends that you know of?”
“...All five of them. Why?”
“Jesus, this world feels like a shitty cash grab version of Equestria,” the human sighed. “Well, let’s go find them-”
“None of them get along-”
“Oi,” Bob spun around to see the cutie mark crusaders vibing to a song that they very clearly wrote themselves… It was awful. Beyond awful. They were blasting it through the whole library. “...Let’s get the heck outta here before my musician brain goes on a music theory tirade about how A and A minor in the same chord doesn’t work. Let’s go find the human versions of your friends.”
What Bob was greeted with… was not what he was expecting. Bob had let Twilight go ahead of him, since they were meeting up in a classroom that wouldn’t be in use during lunch, which happened to be right next to the cafeteria. Bob met up with Sunset Shimmer, talked with her a bit, even if she was a bit snappy and rude, before heading off to go meet up with Twilight and her human friends.
What he had walked into was four out of the five, being Fluttershy, Rarity, Apple Jack and Pinkie yelling at each other like a bunch of… teenage girls. It wasn’t really anything different from the pony world, but here it felt a little more appropriate. He met his sister's eyes for a moment, before slowly backing out. Twilight glared at him a moment before the door closed.
Bob snuck out of the school without incident, before finding his way onto the soccer field where… a human version of Rainbow Dash was practicing soccer. Because of course she was. Bob had to admit, Rainbow Dash as a human, even a weirdly colored one, looked great. He just sat on the bleachers for a while, while Twilight and her newly acquired human friends walked out. Twilight got her butt handed to her in soccer, AJ and Rainbow made up, and they all went to the Mirror World’s Equivalent of Sugar Cube Corner.
“Why is he here?” Rainbow asked, pointing at Bob, after he sat down with a mint shake, and having brought over Twilight’s shake as well. Sadly, there were no extra oats in hers. “That’s Sunset’s new boyfriend… won’t he run his mouth off to her about what we’re doing?” She pointed at Bob, who was setting up his new laptop.
“I’m Twilight’s brother,” Bob said with a dismissive wave. “I’m not even actually dating anyone here.” Bob put his focus back into setting it up, while showing Twilight how it works, since he figured that she would be pretty interested in it. “So y’all are gonna dig into school pride to help Twilight win her the crown?” Bob asked.
“Of course! It would be a good idea!” Human Rarity added.
“Sure, that can’t go poorly.” The next day came around. Bob was sitting in the cafeteria, with his laptop out, letting a bunch of stuff download onto it while he heard a beat start playing. Bob had to admit, the song was cheesy as all hell, but it was apparently working incredibly well. Everyone was… actually getting along for once. In fact, when school was let out, everyone was happily chatting along with each other. The jocks got along with the nerds, the geeks with the emos. Everything was going great until Twilight was pulled into the vice principal’s office for some reason.
Bob followed along, of course.
The two were sitting before vice principal Luna, looking over the photos, until Bob took a closer look. “Somebody literally glued Twilight’s image into the photo,” Bob pointed out. He grabbed the photo of Twilight kicking over a table and peeled it off… to reveal Snails kicking it over instead. Soon, some yellow dude, Flash Sentry, Bob thought that was his name, came with where the photos were derived from.
“Oh…” Bob chuckled when Twilight and Flash started hugging each other. “Ohohoho… Twi, you don’t even know what the heck you are getting into. Jesus…” He already knew what those two were, and he couldn’t help but smirk.
One party down, Spike being held hostage, and Sunset Shimmer being blown the fuck up, then another party, and everything being great again. Twilight got her crown back. Bob looked around Canterlot high just as Twilight was saying her goodbye to her friends. Bob took the time to walk up to Sunset, who was trying to hide from everyone else’s hate filled gazes. “So, you fucked up big time, didn’t ya?”
“I became a she-demon! A raging she-demon…” Sunset whispered. “I’m a horrible person.”
“Yeah,” Bob agreed immediately. “You were a piece of shit,” he agreed. “You know,” he patted her on the shoulder. “You can still become a better person. You’re what? Biologically seventeen. You’ve got plenty of time to change who you are. Do you wanna look back and remember yourself as that horrible person that enslaved everyone you ever knew in this world? Or do you want to push forward and be proud of who you become, instead of wallowing in what you were?”
“I… I don’t know if I can become a better person.”
“I know a person, well, a pony. Her name was Luna. She literally tried to kill her sister because she was demonized and hated by everyone for no reason. A thousand years later though? Everyone loves her. She’s my best friend; somebody I am going to be spending a lot of time with after this is all over. If Luna can come back from nearly destroying the world, and become beloved, so can you. Whaddya say?”
“I can… I think I can try.”
“Coolio. I know you’ve still got some good blood in ya, with you almost insisting on getting me lunch and whatnot.”
“I… I still owe you lunch, you know.”
“I know. Keep your chin up, Sunny, you can make a better world with some help.” Bob pointed at this world’s equivalent of the Element Bearers while Twilight was pointing at Sunset Shimmer.
“If you come back, I’m going to punch you in the stomach for working for Twilight Sparkle.”
“Cool. I wasn’t working for her though; she’s my adopted, older sister.” Sunset’s eyes widened.
“That… makes so much sense now. I thought you two may be dating.”
“Nah, that would be weird. Good luck on patching up the hole in the school,” Bob started walking towards the portal. “See ya around Sunny, hopefully when I check in on you, you’re a better person than when you were.” Sunset sighed, watching the surprisingly uncolorful human hug Twilight Sparkle tightly, before leading her towards the portal. They stepped in just as midnight struck, closing it for another thirty moons…
“You best come back, you cute asshole.” Sunset growled before turning to help Snips and Snails on fixing up the front of the school.
Author's Note
so, there’s going to be a number of bonus chapters, a finale and an epilogue. Given that Bob is mostly accepted in Ponyville and can live a happier life, i would say his journey is coming to an end.
the next three chapters will be bonus chapters including:
Rainbow Rocks
i might have a bonus chapter that’s literally just Luna being petted and brushed by Bob.
the last chapter will probably be a concert that Bob hosts, using some of my favorite brony music; the Chant Series by 4EverFreeBony.
The epilogue might be about Bob ten years in the future, or when he’s a lot older.
Bob Becomes a Pony for a Day
Bob stared down Twilight, Zippy, and Rainbow Dash while they were laying in front of him. Twilight was perfectly loafing on a cushion while Bob’s two marefriends were snuggling together on a cushion. Before the alicorn was a book in front of her. Rainbow and Zippy were giving Bob huge puppy eyes. Twilight’s tail was wagging in anticipation; she was also hoping Bob would say yes to the question. What was the question? Well…
“You want to turn me into a pony for a day?”
“Of course we do!” Twilight clapped her hooves. “I always wanted to have a little brother that’s actually willing to cuddle with me, and now I can groom your mane while we do!”
“And we want to see what you would look like as a stallion!” Zippy got up and started prancing. “Oh, I bet you would be so handsome!” She squealed.
“I do too!” Rainbow clapped her hooves.
Bob looked between the three mares, who all were now loafing in front of him, wagging their tails and giving him the same look. Now, Bob could easily say no… in any normal circumstance. When faced with ponies that are normally cute, it’s pretty easy to do. Three mares? It gets a little harder. Three mares giving you puppy eyes? Bob opened his mouth and started saying ‘no’ only to stop when each one of them gave Bob some sad eyes. Bob raised his finger and took another breath, before slumping. “I guess I’ll be a pony for the day.” Every single pony in the room gave Bob a big, wide smile that Bob usually would think is cute.
“Fucking ponies…” Bob grumbled. “You three are so fucking lucky that you are really cute, or I would be a lot more against this. Just for a day, alright?”
“Of course. If you want to become human and never be a pony again, we will never bother you about this again!’ Twilight agreed. Her horn lit up and a spell hit Bob dead on, making everything fade-no, it just hurt a lot-Bob screamed and passed out from the pain of having his biology be changed against his will. He fell on his face and laid there for a few moments… A flash of light struck Bob from the heavens, shocking everypony, he immediately turned into a pony soon afterwards. The now stallion lay there for a moment before he slowly got up, rubbing the back of his head with his hoof.
“Fuck… I feel like I got every got stepped on by a horse, every little joint… actually I feel good, just like I got shocked by something…”
While Bob sat up and got his bearings, Zippy, Twilight, and Rainbow were taking in the… human turned pony’s new form. He was a simple earth pony, no wings, no horn, nothing. His cutie mark… was a musical note. While pony Bob and human Bob shared the same mane and hair color, it was messy, spiky even. The tail was equally not tidy; they were pretty average looking for a stallion of Bob’s age. Once more, the stallion before them was… actually somewhat muscular. By no means was he a giant, like Big Macintosh, but he wasn’t just the average earth pony either. In otherwords, Bob looked like somepony who was fit, but didn’t actively work out.
He was a fair bit shorter, even shorter than Twilight when she was a unicorn, despite him seeming like a biological adult.
“Oh god,” Bob raised a hoof to his chest. He then began to go down his whole vocal range before hitting the lower notes . He started coughing up a fit, before quickly grabbing a cup of water that was kept nearby, and downing it. “My voice actually works a little differently apparently,” he rasped. “Oh, my voice is naturally deeper than usual, and… it feels like so much of my voice is stuck in my throat and cheeks.”
“Isn’t that where your vocal chords are? Why wouldn’t your voice be in your throat?” Twilight asked, taking out a pen and a notebook.
“Well, for the most part, yeah, my voice is in my throat. However, human males tend to have deeper voices, so those tend to resonate deeper in said throat, and in most cases, in the chest. Human females tend to have higher pitched voices, like mares do, so their voice is usually way higher up, almost a ‘head voice’ if you will.” Bob lifted his head, exposing his neck before speaking, and speaking, with every sentence going down an octave. Soon, he hit a low note, lower than even Big Mac could manage. “Oh, I have to force my voice so much further back to get that low.”
“Well, if it’s any consolation,” Zippy nuzzled into Bob’s side. “You still have a lovely voice as a stallion, just as you did as a human.”
“But singing, and even talking, sound and feel so unnatural right now.” Bob hummed. “That’s probably why I couldn’t really teach Big Mac how to hit those low notes; he has to push so much further back to even begin doing a chest voice.” The stallion slowly looked down at his free hoof. “Huh, I’m holding a glass without-” the glass slipped out off his hoof and shattered on the ground. “Hands. God dammit!” Bob groaned as Twilight’s magic fixed the glass and promptly levitated over to the sink.
“So,” Rainbow started. “Who gets Bob first?”
“I do!” Twilight raised her hoof. “He’s my little brother, and I want to groom that mane of his!”
“What’s wrong with my mane? It’s like my hair; spiky and black.”
“Well, I just want to, and it would make me happy.” Bob raised a hoof to protest, but decided against it. He got his legs under himself, before trotting, and tripping over himself, over to Twilight’s cushion. After a few face plants, trips, and a new range of human curse words later, Bob was snuggled up to Twilight, while Rainbow and Zippy went back to snuggling, together and glaring, at the alicorn. Twilight promptly draped a wing over Bob, which felt great, and put a foreleg on Bob’s neck to make him lower himself.
What followed was stallion puddy, while Twilight, Zippy, and even Rainbow Dash took turns grooming, licking, and doing what mares do to the stallions they love. Despite how average looking Bob was, below average given his stature, Zippy and Rainbow Dash were quick to find Bob’s temporary form to be very attractive. Meanwhile, Twilight was just happy that her little brother was now a pony, even if it was just for a day.
Several hours later, Bob was humming, and opening his mouth at random intervals while Spike was cooking up lunch. Rainbow looked up from her book, while snuggled up to her stallion, and glared at him.
“What are you doing?”
“Finding my natural ‘mixed singing voice’. I wanna figure out how to actually sing like this,” Bob explained. “Ain’t no way in hell can I ever play the guitar like this, but I may as well figure out singing should I ever want to be like this again.” He hummed and opened his mouth before singing a silly little tune. “Found it. God, it feels weird to be in the second octave and still have it be in my throat.”
“That’s what she said,” Rainbow giggled. “Why are you trying to learn how to sing? We all know you probably won’t want to turn back into a pony after today.”
“Who knows? If the musician life ain’t for me, I could be a pretty good music teacher. Can’t teach foals how to sing if I don’t know how their vocal cords work, can I?”
“...I guess that’s a good point. You’re still an egghead for knowing so much about music playing-”
“Hey, my ‘talents’ got us hitched together.”
“And why did you use quotation marks, Bob?” Twilight asked. “You’re a good musician-”
“If I were only able to sing, I’d be pretty decent. If I could only play guitar, I’d still be decent. My skills come from being able to play so many instruments, Twilight. I can single handedly play an entire orchestra if I had a way to record and layer what I play, but I’m not a master at any one instrument. I’m the jack of all traits. Need a singer? I’m your guy. Need a pianist and can’t find anyone else? I can do that too. Need a drummer? I’m here all week. I’m not a master-level pianist though. I’m not the best singer you’ll ever hear. I’m not the best drummer to ever kick a drum.”
“But you’re still good at making music!” Rainbow pointed out. “I love everything you make… mostly because I love you.”
“Dammit Rainbow, that was cheesy!” Bob nipped Rainbow.
“But it’s true,” Zippy pointed out, resting half upper half over the pegasus and earth pony. “You know how to write music, and seem to know a lot about vocal techniques that most ponies don’t even know about. And,” Zippy pulled out the laptop that Bob had gotten during his time in the Mirror World. She opened it up and immediately booted up a project that Bob was working on. It was some sort of song Bob was writing for a musical he was also writing . “You sound like two different ponies every line and it sounds cool!”
“That’s because I know more about music writing now, than I probably ever would have if I never came to Equestria. I have nothing else to pour my free time into, so I studied how a majority of other people’s songs, that I like singing, are made.” The stallion chuckled. “Tangent aside, I want to teach kids how to sing if I ever give up the musician life. At least then I can do something kinda fun, and help people out at the same time. Hell, depending on how many bits I pull in before I ‘retire’, I might not even charge teaching fees. Since I’m figuring this shit out, I’ll be able to help and teach singing far better.”
“...D’aw,” Zippy held her hooves up to her cheeks. “Do you think you can teach me how to sing?”
“I could give you the basics, but I can’t be super useful; your voice is literally two octaves higher than my own voice.”
Spike walked out of the kitchen with everypony’s lunch. “You know,” he started. “You look way cooler as a pony. As a human, you look so weird.”
“...What?” Bob asked.
“Yeah, some of the girls were talking about it at Rarity’s-”
“What the fuck?” Bob asked.
“Well, you know how Rarity is, always gossiping and stuff.”
“...What else did she say about me?” Bob shook his head. “I’ll find out eventually. If it’s anything bad, then I will be mad; you don’t talk shit about your friends behind their back.” The stallion’s stomach rumbled. “Right now, I’m just hungry and I wanna eat something.”
“Here’s a palette of flowers, and various other things ponies like eating,” Spike said, placing a giant tray of food that everypony was meant to share. “Twilight wanted to know what you liked the most.”
“Why’s salt here?”
“It’s what ponies get drunk on,” Spike shrugged. “I don’t know; I just eat hay burgers and gems, so I don’t have to worry about whatever they’re eating.”
“Twilight, you want to get me drunk?” Bob asked.
“...I want to… Actually, yeah, that is a bad idea. Especially with Zippy here.” Her horn lit up, and the salt was gone. “I’m surprised Princess Luna didn’t show up as soon as you became a pony; I know for a fact that she still spies on you from time to time.”
“I hope she doesn’t see me as a pony; she’ll ask to spend a whole day with me like this ,” Bob shivered. “I won’t mind turning into a pony if I can teach kids how to sing better, but I would rather be human,” he said before popping a dandelion in his mouth. He shivered. “That is so fucking weird!” Rainbow and Zippy got the pleasure to hear Bob hack his lungs up each time he tried a different flower; he likes the taste of a majority of the flowers, but hates how they felt on the way down. The stems didn’t help him either.
“Fuck…” Bob spat out a sunflower. “I loved snacking on sunflower seeds… I don’t get why you’d eat the whole sunflower. This is horrid…” He grumbled as he stared at the chewed up remains of his meal.” He laid his head on the table.
“Hey, at least you didn’t throw up?” Twilight asked.
“There is that,” Bob got to his hooves and stretched like a cat, giving everypony(except Twilight who immediately looked away) a good look at his body. Rainbow couldn’t help but stare as the human’s muscles pulled and contracted as he moved, while Zippy was just looking at his backside… for various reasons. Bob pulled himself forward and yawned. “I wanna go walk around town like this now. Is that cool?”
“One of us will have to go with you,” Twilight mentioned. “And…”
“It would be weird to suddenly see a stallion walking out with all three of you?”
“Yeah,” Zippy nodded. “They’d think we’re all a part of a herd, which would be pretty weird given that you and Princess Twilight are siblings.”
Twilight started to pointedly glare at Rainbow Dash. “And I don’t…” Spike interrupted everypony by walking downstairs with the calendar for some reason.
“Twilight, we might have a problem,” he pointed at the date. “Cadance and Shining Armor are supposed to be visiting today. For a ‘royal visit’.” Everyone blinked a couple of times. “And they should be arriving at the station… now actually.” Twilight’s eyes bugged out and she immediately got up and started running out the door.
“...So,” Bob walked around the table before snatching Rainbow while she was laying down. He pulled her closer, before tucking her rear under his chest and laying down on top of her. “This is nice.”
“I thought…”
“I was going to mount you, in front of Spike, at random, without you giving the okay?”
“Almost. I wouldn’t have minded.”
“And I ain’t doing that kinda shit with you, even like this, without you at least saying ‘yes’ to it. Just ignoring my own discomforts on the subject, I won’t touch you, or Zippy in such ways unless you strongly express consent and we all agree to it.” Bob involuntarily purred when Zippy laid on top of him. Despite turning seventeen, Zippy was still relatively short, and was still half a head shorter than Bob was as a stallion. “This is nice,” he hummed. “I might see if there’s some way to just become like this without Twilight needing to cast a spell; I kinda like this.”
“And we can’t do this as often with you being human,” Rainbow agreed. “You’re too soft and squishing as a human.”
“But you get ear scratches when I’m human.”
“That is true,” Rainbow sighed. “You have so many reasons to remain a pony, with you wanting to be a music teacher in the future,” she gestured to the pony pile they’ve created. “You would be accepted no matter where you go, and you won’t get hurt again for being human.”
“But I was born a human, and I want to be a human. Granted, I could switch at any time, since I’m probably going to be bunking here for a long time,” he admitted. “But who knows? If I develop carpal tunnel from playing the guitar solo to Through the Fire and the Flames too much, then I’ll become a pony and just be a music teacher for a while.”
“And I’ll want foals at some point. Either we’re adopting,” Zippy started. She then hungrily looked over Bob’s form. “Or you become a pony again and we… make some.” Spike rolled his eyes before walking right back up the stairs to get away from the ‘lovey dovey’ stuff until his older siblings came back.
“Yes ma’am,” Bob nodded before resting his head on Rainbow’s…
Princess Cadance, Shining Armor, and Twilight came by the library to witness… a pony pile. Rainbow, Pony Bob, and Zippy. Surprisingly, Rainbow was on the bottom, her wings fanned out, while Bob rested his head on the back of her neck, as though he was trying to preen her wings. Zippy was laying on top, both her forelegs and her hindlegs were wrapped tightly around her other two partners while they had their afternoon nap. Cadance slowly tiptoed over to the sleeping trio with big eyes and squealed. It was such a raw, unfiltered affection between a small herd.
Bob warily lifted his head, blinked a couple of times, before moving his snout down to Rainbow’s left wing, with his eyes closed, and started preening the feathery appendage for a few moments, before putting his head back in its place, on the back of Rainbow’s neck.
“...That is Bob, right Twilight?” Shining Armor asked.
“It is,” Twilight admitted.
“How does he know how to preen a pony’s wings?”
“Remember my wedding gift?” Twilight asked. When her older brother visibly shuttered,Twilight giggled. “Bob helped me research that paper, and also has some experience with Luna… Those two have had weekly cuddle sessions without me knowing. And apparently, preening wings with hands is just as easy to do with a pony’s mouth.” She chuckled. “I’m surprised that Bob’s doing it while being half asleep, honestly.”
“It’s adorable,” Cadance squealed. “Oh, imagine if we all didn’t collectively agree to take him into our family, Twilight. You could be a part of that.”
“...You knew that I had a crush on Bob?”
“Yes I was. Bob had a thing for you, but the romantic type of love that you two, unknowingly, felt for each other died down as soon as Twilight Velvet announced adopting him. It’s more like sibling love now.” She hummed. “Would you date Bob if he weren’t your adoptive sibling? There are plenty of ponies that end up dating their adoptive siblings, and…”
“I doubt he’d reciprocate the idea,” Twilight waved a hoof. “I’m past that little crush I had, and Bob would likely be disgusted by the idea of it.”
“You two shared a bed during the Princess Summit, and Bob walked in while carrying you on his back when you first arrived in the Empire,” Shining pointed out.
“I thought it would be funny,” Bob said, keeping his eyes shut. “And then Twilight started dozing off on my back when we went to do that. Plus, we share a bed all the time and just end up snuggled together. And… dating a sibling of any sort, by blood or bond, feels weird. It would feel wrong .” He agreed. “However, I am perfectly happy to be able to have my sister,” Bob opened his eyes and smiled warmly at Twilight. “I love you, Twilight, I really do.”
The lavender alicorn trotted up to Bob and licked his muzzle. “And I love you, Bob… When I turn you back into a human, can you scratch my jaw? It’s been bugging me all day.”
Bob snorted. “Yeah.”
“Ugh… Bob, if you’re going to be in our pony pile, can you at least whisper? Some of us enjoy our nap time,” Rainbow grumbled, covering her eyes with a hoof. The small smile on her face said she didn’t really care; she just happened to wake up then and there, and just wanted to complain. She managed to somehow roll onto her back, despite having the weight of both a young mare and a stallion on top of her, and nuzzled Bob’s jaw. “Come on, I can’t look cute and cuddly in front of anypony.” She whispered.
“But Zippy isn’t awake yet…”
“I’ll carry her on my back. Don’t you worry.”
Soon after the trio untangled each other, Zippy was sleepily leaning up against Rainbow Dash while Bob got onto greeting his older brother and his sister in law.
“So, how long are you two staying in Ponyville?” Bob asked.
“About a week.”
“Six, that’s enough time to turn back into a human and rub your bellies.” Bob nodded before walking towards the door.
“And where are you going, Bob?” Twilight asked.
“You don’t wanna show your big bro and Cadance around Ponyville? It’s their second time being here, and they never got a tour; it’s about time we gave them that tour, eh? And it would be a good chance to surprise and prank a few of our friends with me being a stallion.”
“Oh! We can so prank Apple Jack and Rarity with you like this,” Rainbow clapped her hooves. “C’mon, I’ll lead the way!”
“...Okay.”
“And who is this handsome fellow you’ve brought?” Rarity batted her eyes at Bob, who was still in stallion form, after he walked into her boutique. Rainbow and Zippy were sitting in the corner, holding a hoof to their mouthes, while Cadance was checking out some of the dresses she was too big to fit in. Then the Princess of Love dragged the poor, poor Shining Armor along with her to make him try out one of the suits on display. Twilight was just sitting there, rolling her eyes while Bob just looked uncomfortable.
“Why did I agree to this?” Bob asked, slowly turning to Twilight.
“...Bob, is that you?”
“Yeah, it’s me.” Bob slouched over. “Twilight turned me into a pony for the day; I’m going to be human tomorrow when she turns me back into one.”
“Oh. Well, I must say, you do look… oddly, now that I’m looking you over, plain. You are quite fit, and I can almost see a scar or two under your fur, so you would be quite a nice coltfriend should you remain a stallion.”
“And… fuck no to that. I’m not going to stay a pony for a while. It’ll happen again in the future, but I’m not staying like this.”
A couple hours of aimlessly wandering around Ponyville later, and Bob found reality warping around him as soon as he stepped into the library for the night. Luna was staring at him now, they were in her personal chambers. “...Why are you a pony?” The Princess asked. It genuinely looked like she just woke up. “I was hoping to get a belly rub and some ear scratches…” Her ears flattened. “I can easily turn you back to a human if you’d like.”
“Sorry Lulu, but I agreed with Twilight and my girlfriends that I’d stay like this for twenty four hours. Zips and Rainbow had their fun with me being their stallion for the day, and Twilight wants to have her fun with cuddling with a younger sibling, that’s actually willing to cuddle, that she turned into a pony. I dunno why, but I guess cuddling your younger siblings is a big thing in Equestria?”
“It is. Celestia barges into my room after dinner, before I wake up to get a few moments of ‘royal sisterly snuggles’ before she goes off to bed and I have to begin my duties…”
“You know, I do kinda see you like an older sister too,” Bob hummed. “Sleepover at Twilight’s?”
“Sadly… Well, Tia did say I only have to do paperwork tonight. However, I cannot sleep given I just woke up. It would be pretty unbecoming-” a golden flash of magic popped into place.
Dear Lulu,
I know this is around that time of the week where you drag Bob into your room for snuggles and belly rubs. Twilight did let me know ahead of time that she would be trying to convince Bob to become a pony for exactly twenty four hours. If he does agree, leave him as he is, and if you would like, take the night off your duties and get your colt snuggles in for the decade; Twilight certainly would not mind sharing a snuggle buddy tonight.
Your sister,
Tia.
P.S enjoy your night off!
Luna’s horn lit up, and the next thing Bob knew, he was at the bottom of a pony pile, Twilight was laying on top of him, with Luna draped over her. The pony simply laid there with a small smile on his face until he was swept away in the land of dreams.
View Online
Bonus Chapter: Totally Just Bob and Luna cuddling, chatting, and snuggling
Bob sat down on Luna’s bed while holding a cup of sugar with some coffee in it. He was admittedly tired, but Luna was returning to her more nocturnal sleep schedule. Tonight was the weekly, always on Tuesday Night, where Luna and Bob got together, Bob would groom the Princess, the two would chat, come up with song ideas for the next time the two of them would hold a concert together, and just hang out. “So, how was Night Court this week?” Bob asked. This new tradition was started up once Luna figured(remembered) that she could literally teleport Bob to and from Ponyville in a heartbeat.
So they foregone the whole pen pal bit.
“It was going rather smoothly. Occasionally I would get an impatient noble who didn’t want to wait for hours to get into day court, and I end up tossing them out for being… a ‘prick’ as you would say. But other than that, farmers, some ponies who couldn’t get into day court, and even a fan or two from our first concert together. It’s a rather fun experience, if I must say so. I can sign an autograph, get a picture, and sometimes a rather… detailed note about how much somepony would love to marry and do… things to me.”
“As in… you get letters about how people want to have sex with you.”
“Some of the letters are asking for your address, since you technically don’t have one; you don’t own a house. I declined giving them Twilight Sparkle’s address, because some of the letters that they would send you would be damn near illegal to send to a minor. On top of that, I doubt that Twilight would enjoy digging through piles of your mail just to get to hers every time mail is delivered, and you wouldn’t want to read a ton of fan mail.”
“Mmm. I would argue that I would probably disagree with that. I do get kinda giddy whenever I hear anyone actually liking my music. I don’t think that I’m some outstanding musician, but anyone would be pretty happy if… they painted something and somebody genuinely liked it, and said they genuinely liked it.”
“That is fair, at least you do not go around and brag about being a musician. I personally would not hang out with you if you suddenly grew a giant ego after your first show.”
“I don’t like bragging. I love showing off new techniques I can do, like this,” Bob hit the lowest note that he could. That made Luna’s eyes widen. “Especially for reactions like that,” Bob chuckled, reaching over to help Luna close her jaw. The Princess pulled back and shook her head. “What?”
“Bob, that is the lowest note I have heard out of any creature that can think. It’s rather impressive, but sounds impractical.”
“I just use it as a bass sound on the drum machine, or while recording tracks on the laptop I yoinked from the Mirror World.” Bob paused. “I might go back and get a gun of some sort in the future, by the way. While I’m sure I wouldn’t be much help against this year’s big threat, I doubt that unless Discord gets loose again, that whatever this year’s big threat is, would survive getting shot, point blank, in the face with a shotgun.”
“...That is a rather violent way of solving an issue, Bob.” Luna sighed. “You humans and violence.”
“Hey, if something were to hurt you, Twilight, or Rainbow and Zippy, that something will have approximately thirty seconds before I load up a rifle and empty a magazine into the fucker that dared hurt anyone I love… And I’m not super violent, just mostly violent towards those that wish harm upon me or those I consider family. You,” Bob rubbed Luna’s jaw after sitting down next to her, and pulled her head to his chest. “Are like an older sister, and I absolutely would make sure whatever tried to hurt you wouldn’t be able to try again.”
Luna cooed as she leaned into the hand. “Well, if being considered family by you means I get jaw scratches like this,” Luna rubbed her head against Bob’s chest like an oversized cat would. “And unyielding protection? I would be damned to let anypony hurt you Bob. They would likely suffer a fate worse than what Chrysalis did to Zippy’s father after he assaulted you.”
“What happened to him anyways?”
“The last reports state that his time in the Hive’s dungeons was cut short by a mysterious cause… Zippy’s father is long gone.”
“...He got killed and dumped in a river.”
“Nopony would miss him. Mrs. Pike, since she is the head of her family now, sent the suggestion to never let her ex husband out. Chrysalis just got tired of hosting a pony and feeding it, when that pony was already barely alive or capable of producing love for her drones to feed off of her.” Luna didn’t even need to say anything for Bob to understand what to do when he started scratching her left shoulder; do it a tiny bit harder. A little to the left.
“You know,” Luna hummed. “I did just wake up before teleporting you here; I could use a little brushing.”
“...If this is what your ‘bedhead’ looks like, then I’m pretty sure that you look ‘bad’ is the least of your concerns. You look great.” Luna started blushing at that. “Uh…”
“At least you didn’t call me fluffy.”
“But you are very nice and soft. You smell like roses.” Luna simply gave her human a smile and magicked her favorite brush. The human took the brush in hand, before getting onto his knees, so he could more easily access Luna’s mane. First, however, Bob started with the Princess’s cheeks and snout, which felt surprisingly good, despite them needing next to no brushing at all. Next came the mane, which felt…
Dreamy. Very dreamy. Luna had to resist the urge to start swaying her head side to side while humming in delight. Because occasionally, in between strokes, Bob would scratch her ears, or massage said ears in such a manner that would usually knock Princess Celestia out. Even the most masculine of stallions could be put to sleep by the human’s touch.
Luna was no pushover, however, but she came damn close to falling back to sleep.
“Lulu, are you still with me?” Bob asked. “I need to get under your wings now.” Bob chuckled as the Princess drowsily spread her wings out as requested and Bob continued on his quest to brush his favorite, blue alicorn(upon her ascension, Twilight still wanted to be Bob’s favorite something, so he dubbed her ‘favorite purple alicorn’, and dubbed Luna his favorite ‘blue alicorn’). By the time Bob was done, he was scratching Luna’s inner thighs while she laid on her side like a dog, tongue laying out the side of her mouth in pure euphoria.
“I think I went a little far,” Bob chuckled as he pulled Luna onto his lap and planted a kiss on her forehead. “I love ya bud.” The human leaned back against the bed frame, reminiscing about the first time he had met Luna. While she definitely didn’t mean to call him it, at the time, the Princess did initially refer to him as a foul beast. While Bob would’ve been mad at the time, he knew better, even while incredibly mad, to give a Princess an attitude. On top of that, Luna quickly righted her wrong by treating him like a person off the bat.
Hell, she was basically the reason why he was still alive.
While he idly stroked Luna’s cheek, Bob smiled fondly when Luna first licked his eye because he had called her cute. Despite the constant warnings, the human would still call her adorable, or cute, and promptly be licked in the eye. On occasion, Luna would just lick Bob’s ear, or lick his cheek and nuzzle him a bunch. He just couldn’t help it; Luna was very cute, and she needed to be told as such at every opportunity.
And Luna wearing a suit… Oh, that was precious. She looked cute, classy, and looked so damn pettable. Of course, this would later affect how the Princess would dress for formal events such as Twilight’s coronation. Despite being a mare of tradition, she ended up showing up to the coronation while wearing the same suit she wore to his trial, which contrasted from Celestia and Cadance who had opted to wear dresses as usual… Luna probably got a lot of fan mail asking to see her again in a suit in the future… and letters talking about some of the… nefarious things they would do to her in bed after she took the suit off.
Bob simply laid there, until Luna’s head shot up. “I forgot…” Luna whispered.
“What?”
“Chrysalis once suggested something, something that you shall do for us in the morning.”
“What?”
“You will love it.”
The next morning, Bob was sitting in a private dining room in Canterlot Castle. He had been offered to stay the night, which Bob happily took. At first, the morning was a bit weird; he woke up to Celestia curled up around him, with him using her right shoulder as a pillow. After being led to the dining hall, Celestia cantered off, giggling up a storm as she disappeared. The next thing Bob knows, he has some kickass pancakes, a nice glass of milk, and he was wondering when he could go home.
As much as he wanted to spend the time with Celestia and Luna, he knew that one would be busy with her daily duties, and the other would be busy catching up on some sleep.
The door creaked open, and three sets of hooves… tiny hooves followed suit.
Bob scooted his chair back, wondering who the heck was in the dining room; only the servants and Celestia knew where he was. The human spun around in his chair before… stopping. His brain had turned to mush the very moment he turned around. Sitting on the ground before him was Celestia, Chrysalis, and Luna. However, they seemed to be at the same age Apple Bloom and her friends were when he had first met them a year ago. There was one word that could easily be used to describe the sight before him.
Celestia, as a filly, had a pink mane and matching tail. She was… tiny, still snow white, and absolutely precious looking. Sitting upon her head was a crown that looked a little too big for her. She sat there, staring up at Bob with big, round eyes that were full of a childlike wonder that was never present in the ancient princess. Her tail swished around and her wings ruffled as Bob’s brain started processing the other two… fillies.
Chrysalis… was fucking adorable. Like Celestia, she had a crown that was a little too big for her head. Unlike Celestia, she still had holes riddling her legs, mane and tail. Her horn was a little stubby, and more resembled a unicorn’s horn, though it seemed like some bits and pieces were taken out. Even though Bob knew that the horn would eventually grow into something that was, admittedly, a lot more terrifying than the cute, stubby horn poking out of her head. Her ears poked just out of her mane and they twitched at every single emotion Bob was producing.
Luna… she was a lighter color of blue than she was as an adult. Just like the other two, she wore a crown that was just a little too big for her head. Her mane was simply a simple, lighter blue than the rest of her coat. The way she stared up at him was… heartwarming. To top the human’s now unfunctional brain, his heart was puddy as she lifted her hooves up to the air, each dawning a miniature version of her horse shoes. The universal sign of ‘hold me’. Bob’s only functioning brain cell followed her request, and the next thing he knew, he was cradling a filly version of his best friend.
“What… Did you three do it?”
“Can you be our dad for the day, pretty please?” Chrysalis asked… She had a lisp. Chrysalis, as a filly, had a slight lisp and it was so cute . Soon, all three fillies gave Bob big, round puppy eyes as the human silently resigned to his fate. He simply nodded, before scooping the other two up. Celesita and Luna hung from his shoulders, draping their forelegs over them to hold on. Meanwhile, Chrysalis was held, by her foreleg pits, in Bob’s arms as he walked them out of the castle and into Canterlot.
The human’s brain wasn’t functioning, he was running completely on autopilot. The very fact that his three, royal, friends were fillies, very adorable fillies was still setting into his brain when he walked into a fast food place and bought them all foals meals. Once he sat down, after bringing their trays to the table(the fillies were off getting their drinks from the soda machine. An endeavor that Bob ended up helping them with), the human rested his chin on his hands as the three of them played with the toys they got from their respective foal meals.
“Holy fucking shit,” Bob whispered. “I think if I have foals with Rainbow and Zippy, I would be an emotional punching bag… I just agreed to parenting three fillies because they gave me a cute look and…” He chuckled. The three foals were unaware of what he was rambling to himself. “Might as well enjoy today, I guess.”
That didn’t last long. Somepony had the bright idea of trying to mug him, since they figured that since the Princesses were fillies, that they could be foalnapped and held for ransom. Bob had other plans. “Buddy, turn around, and you won’t get punted across the street like a football.” The stallion robbing them laughed.
“And how do you-”
Bob quickly uppercutted the bastard, before promptly kicking one of the stallion’s knees until he heard a ‘crack’ and a scream. Soon, Bob was kicking the snout of the stallion while the royal fillies were cowering behind him for protection. One more kick, and several guards piling on the poor fucker, and Bob was back on his way to a park that he had been dragged to by Twilight Velvet while he was forced to stay in Canterlot. Surely he could wear the fillies out and get some snuggly time with them…
The human fell against a tree before damn near going limp. He had to run between three different swings, pushing each Princess and Queen. While he wasn’t an athlete, Rainbow Dash would commend him for being able to keep up for as long as he did. He pushed each filly for about twenty minutes, while running, before he nearly collapsed. Despite his wariness, Bob looked back up to keep an eye on his foals while they ran and tumbled over each other on the playground equipment. Surprisingly, the other foals either didn’t recognize the Princesses, or didn’t care, since they all played together all the same.
“Pway us a song,” Chrysalis demanded. She, Luna, and Celestia managed to rally up every foal in the park. They were all sitting before Bob, demanding a song from him.
“But I don’t-” Celestia’s horn lit up and his guitar landed in his lap. “Nevermind.”
Bob hummed and tapped the side of the guitar, thinking of what to play. “I used to rule the world …” The foals were happy to have a song, while the adults that were listening were all too happy to hear the human, who was somewhat renowned in their city, perform for free just to entertain some foals. Of course, Bob didn’t care; he was just happy to be singing to an adoring audience full of cute fillies and colts that swayed a long, and even(while being very off key) try to sing during the last chorus.
A few hours later, the human was laying on Celestia’s bed, three fillies were blissfully snoozing away on Bob’s back, each had just been freshly bathed(after drenching their caretaker). Bob was just laying there, feeling very exhausted. He groaned, wanting to roll on his side and take a nap himself, but didn’t want to disturb the foals on his stomach. So instead, he opted to sleep like how he was. The very moment he closed his eyes, all three fillies snapped awake, and started hopping and jumping around the room and making a lot of noise. They were also making a huge mess.
“I am going to kill myself by the end of today.” Bob groaned before flopping over and playing dead.
That didn’t end well, he got six hooves poking and prodding him while making sure he’s still fine.
Bob groaned… He hates children, and foals apparently, but at least foals were too cute to keep hating. “I’m fine…” The human groaned when Chrysalis decided to cannon ball off a dresser and land squarely on his belly… knocking the wind out of him. “Fuck…” He wheezed before clutching his injured stomach and groaning for the next hour and a half. As he did that, he started processing why he decided to foalsit for the day.
Chrysalis staring into his soul with big, sorrowful eyes made him remember why; cute fillies. Remember, cute fillies. Don’t yell at the cute fillies. The rest of the day was a little more peaceful, though still tiring for the human.
Looking Glass(warning: self Harm)
Author's Note
This is an alternative universe. One created by Starlight when she and Twilight fought.
Looking Glass(warning: self Harm)
Sitting, alone, in a cave was a creature. A creature not native to Equestria. His body was covered in bruises, cuts, scars. The shirt and pants that had once covered its body were torn and shredded. It had been a rough few years for the creature, but it was surviving. The human sat near a burnt out fire, its stomach grumbled. Now that it was permanently night, for whatever reason, the creature… The human was struggling to even find food. And with nobody to talk to in almost two years… He was going a little crazy.
The human grabbed his spear, something he had stolen from one of the many bat ponies he had encountered. He examined it, poked his pointer finger with it, before nodding. He was going into a nearby pony settlement, that he had been watching for weeks, to try and steal some food. The creature nodded to itself, before running out of the cave… only to begin to start walking slowly. While humans were rather dangerous, especially due to how intelligent and cunning a single human can be, humans were not nocturnal.
Seeing was rather difficult, but this creature in particular had no problem with that.
Tonight, he would need to be sneaky anyways. The night allowed for the human to steathily go from town to town, grab whatever food he needed, and run away without detection. Before, when both day and night were a thing, if he were to attempt what he were doing during the day, he would be attacked. Once upon a time, he was once chased down by ponies in golden armor… They never caught him, but they went missing. The human assumed that he had eventually crossed borders of another country, as the golden-wearing ponies were replaced by batponies.
Several hours later, the human soon found himself regretting his confidence in being able to approach the settlement, which more resembled a giant… castle for some reason.
The human had ducked under another branch as a spell whizzed just over where his head had once been. He was immediately spotted by a bat pony, and he ran. He kept on running. That’s all he had been doing for the last hour. Years of being on the run had luckily prepared him for times like this; he usually outran his pursuers pretty soundly after the first dozen getaways. The human was far more agile than most of the horses that chased after him, after all.
The human jumped when a flash of rainbow flew over his head. The rainbow was attached to a pony, and it was moving quickly. The human nodded to himself. “Fucking ponies, dude… I need to stop talking to myself. But I’ve got nobody to talk to, just me!” The human made a left, before quickly breaking right, avoiding another spell.
He soon found a cave… he ran into it and skidded to a stop. “Fuck…” The human groaned as he fell to his knees and set his spear aside. “Usually this trick-”
“It’s in the cave!” A feminine voice shouted.
“Shit…” The human chuckled humorlessly. “Well, I guess I’ll get to see what happens if I die in a land full of magical, talking ponies… Maybe I can go home. Or just die. Really, there… isn’t a point in living if I can’t see my family again.” The human laid on his back and waited for the cave to be stormed by horses.
“Has thou found thy creature that tried to break into my castle?”
“Yes, your majesty, we found… the creature. It ran into that cave. Would you like us to eradicate it?”
“Nein, I shall behead it myself after I get a good look at it,” Bob went dead silent, his breathing stopped as he heard hoofsteps get closer to his hiding spot. He grabbed his spear and tossed it to the side; he might as well try and not look like a threat. “Creature, I, Nightmare Moon, know you are in there. You shall present yourself to me this instant, or I will drag you out myself. And trust me, I will not be gentle.” The human figured it would be best to… not test whoever was speaking.
It was the apparent leader of the horses that had just chased him, after all.
The human stood up, and slowly, but surely, made his way out of the cave. Standing before him, was a whole squad of the batponies he had grown accustomed to seeing. They all had their spears pointed at him, glaring at him through their helmets that hid their faces. At the forefront of them… was a horse that was significantly taller than the rest. She had pure, black fur and a starry, flowing mane and tail that moved in their own wind. She was wearing a helmet that went down to the back of her neck, and obscured most of her head. Each hoof was wearing very ornamental looking horse shoes, and she was wearing… a mixture between a necklace and a breastplate.
“That is what has been assaulting my citizens and stealing food across Equestria?” The horse asked… her mouth was full of fangs, canines, and whatnot… she was terrifying. The human almost took a step back. “Rainbow Dash!” One of the ponies, who notably had regular, feathered wings, jumped. “Tell me, why have my guards been unable to capture this human? Not too long ago, it reportedly killed two of them in… with one of their own spears.”
“Those guards were improperly trained, your highness. I will see to retrain the guard!”
“See to it, or you will be replaced, Captain Dash.” The tall horse slowly turned its gaze onto the human. “Praytell, why should I not kill you?”
“I really don’t have a reason,” the creature spoke. “Honestly, I don’t even know why I bothered keeping myself alive.” The human spoke in a rather monotone voice, much to Nightmare Moon’s surprise. He wasn’t quivering in fear. “Last time I spoke to another human being was… a few years ago? I can’t tell anymore with it permanently being night. It’s pretty nice, seeing the stars with me being a city boy and all, but it makes it hard to tell how much time passed, y’know?”
“...You can speak. You are able to speak, yet you did not seek a more legitimate way to get food?”
“Been there, tried it. Got an arrow in the leg and a lightning bolt to the chest when I tried being nice. Are you gonna kill me yet, or-” the human’s mouth was clamped shut.
“You best not speak to me in that tone, creature. Tell me, why should I allow you to live?”
“Still don’t really know how to answer that one, your highness. I guess if I wanna live, I can be a really good masseuse? The few ponies that I’m able to interact with, in a friendly manner, said my hands are the best back scratchers they’ve ever had.” Nightmare Moon paused for a brief moment. “I guess that isn’t a good reason, is it?”
“I shall see to giving you a chance . Should you fail, you will be killed. Understood?”
“...Sure.”
Several hours had passed. It was nearing the time of the night that Nightmare Moon resigned from her duties for the day to relax just a little bit before going to bed. First, she went down to the dungeons to find the human, who had told her his name was ‘Bob’, a fake name if she ever heard it. He was sitting on the floor, picking at a plate of food. “Did the guard poison your food?” Nightmare Moon asked.
“I dunno. I can’t eat flowers, or hay, so I can’t tell. It’ll kill me if I eat them eitherway, but…”
“That is no way to treat a prisoner!” Nightmare Moon growled. “Praytell, what do you eat?”
“Anything that isn’t flowers or hay. I can eat bread, apples, fish, nuts and meat.”
“I shall rearrange your meals should you prove yourself useful for what you say you are useful for.” Nightmare Moon opened the door, grabbed the human, before promptly teleporting them to her room. She quickly removed her regalia and her helmet, and set them aside as she laid on the bed. “Well?”
“I figured I should ask for permission, with you being the Queen and all.”
“I shall grant you the right to touch me.” The Nightmare nodded. “I may be mean, but I am an understanding mare, Bob. I understand that you have… been shunned by ponykind and rejected the opportunity to obtain food via more… legal means. However, you are to find a good reason, such as massaging me, so that I do not execute you, understood?”
“Yes ma'am.” The human promptly stood on his knees, before slowly making his way around Nightmare Moon. “I’m a man of my word, I guess. If I say I’ll massage you, I’ll try.” The human proceeded to put his hands on the alicorn’s back. “Fur’s soft,” he murmured to himself. That got the Queen to blush ever so slightly; nopony had called her that before. Before long, Nightmare Moon was resting his head on a pillow, allowing the human to scratch her back, wings, neck, and even her ears. It did… feel nice.
“I believe I shall allow you your freedom. However, you are to live in the castle, be fed proper meals, and expect to be teleported to me should I need stress relief. Understood?” Bob nodded. “I shall need your race name, and your age.”
“I think I’m seventeen, and I’m a human.”
“...I see. You are a child. Perhaps I will be a bit more… gentle with you.” Nightmare Moon opened a wing. “Do you wish to sleep in my room tonight? It would be uncomfortable to sleep in the cold dungeons, especially when you do not have fur.”
“And you’re being nice to me because?”
“Sometimes, I do wish that I have had foals in the past; I’ve no offspring to speak of. You are a child… a criminal, but a child. I am offering you a grant; be my massagist, my child , and you will never go hungry. You will have a place under my wing, and you will be crowned Prince of the Night. Does that sound enticing to you?”
“...It doesn’t sound awful, I guess. You won’t mind me sleeping under your wing?”
“Would I have asked if I minded?”
“I dunno… I don’t wanna overstep any boundaries.”
Nightmare Moon rolled her eyes, before using her magic to lay the human by her side, before a wing was promptly draped over him. “Rest well. When we wake, I shall try and accommodate your needs… whatever they may be. Sleep well.”
The human nodded, before abiding with what Nightmare Moon had told him to do. He drifted off to sleep, or tried to, while wondering if this truly was… the best outcome he could’ve asked for. Sure, he would have food, but he had no family despite what this horse had just said. The human shrugged, before pulling himself out from under Nightmare’s wing, and walking over to a nearby balcony. Taking a moment to count his odds, he threw himself over the railing. The world turned into nothing the moment he had hit the ground.
Somewhere, a lavendar alicorn, with a purple dragon riding on her back, was running towards the castle, her eyes widened at what she had just witnessed. she needed to get back to her time as soon as she could. so far, none of the worlds she had seen had ended well for her favorite human, but this was the most... horrifying one she had witnessed.
so, here is another author's note. this is just a bonus chapter, and isn't actually cannon. nightmare moon... would probably treat bob well, since I like to believe that under all that hatred and jealousy, Luna is still there. and with time, Bob could probably bring Luna back, however, in this universe... Bob was left alone for far longer and had gone through far more than he had gone through during just the year. overtime, he would just surivive to survive, not to live.
so once discovered, even if offered a chance to live life, he definitely wouldn't want to keep living after what else he's been through, along with the added bonus that he won't see his family again. Twilight and her friends, in the actual timeline, actually helped Bob stay grounded, believe it or not. and eventually, gave him a reason to keep living in Equestria. That took course over several weeks to get Bob to genuinely care about Twilight. A bond between Bob and Nightmare Moon would not sprout as soon as she declared Bob his child.
anywho, this is the third bonus chapter... next chapter will probably take place in the future. long after Celestia and Luna retired from being Princesses. in otherwords... the end of this story.
with that said, thank you all for reading. thank you all for joining me along, commenting, enjoying what I've written here. this was... genuinely one of my more favorite works that I've made thus far, and I'm pretty happy with how it's turned out.
again, thank you, for reading.
The Crystal Empire, a city state of Equestria. Once upon a time, it was ruled by a dictator, King Sombra. A thousand years later, six little ponies had come, along with an alicorn and freed the crystal ponies from King Sombra’s reign for good. Now, the alicorn, Princess Cadance, along with her husband Shining Armor, rules over the kingdom in solace across the city state. About a decade ago, something made the crystal ponies, and most of Equestria, even happier:
An alicorn foal.
There was one individual that was extremely happy with this revelation. Not because it was an alicorn filly, not because it was Cadance’s first foal, no, the individual was just happy. His name was Bob; he was extremely excited at the prospect of being an uncle. So when the filly was first conceived, Bob immediately went up to the empire to meet his niece.
Years later, that niece of his was now twelve years old. Now, Bob was on vacation from his life as a musician, and one of the first stops was the Crystal Empire. The city was far too norh for regular visits, which did upset Bob just a little bit; he loved his adopted brother and sister in law, and thanks to the distance between his home and the Empire, it made seeing them constantly rather difficult.
So the first course of action was to go visit the Empire for a a week or two, take a drink, hang out with Shining Armor, and give Cadance a hug and free her from the horrible, damn near nightmare inducing thing that is bureaucracy. And… play with his niece.
Bob was laying on his back, on a cushion, panting. Something he had not been informed of, was that any foals related to Twilight Sparkle in some capacity, was going to be a pain in the ass until they were sixty. Laying beside him was his niece, Flurry Heart, who he had finally managed to wear out... Not really.
“C’mon, Uncle Bob, you can’t be that tired already!”
“Your uncle isn’t used to being awake at this hour, Flurry. I’m used to being partially nocturnal.”
“No you aren’t. Auntie Twilight told me that you have a normal sleep schedule.”
“I’m also twenty seven years old,” Bob groaned as he sat up. “Why can’t you just be happy with ear scratches and snuggles? I’m old and tired, and all you wanna do is wrestle with me!”
“Duh, how can I be big and strong like Dad if I can’t beat you in a wrestling match? You’re taller than Dad is, so you must be stronger!”
“…You have the strength of an earth pony in those hooves. An earth can break my spine by hugging me too hard. By default, pound for pound, you are going to be stronger than your father is.”
“And I want to know how to fight!”
“Can we just go back to when you were five years old and the only thing you wanted to do was snuggle up on my stomach whenever I come and visit?” Bob whined.
“No!” Flurry shook her head. “You could scratch my ears, though. That’s always nice.” Soon, the two were snuggling up, Bob was holding Flurry in his lap, idly stroking her while she snored away. Just like any filly, she tired easily and it was nearing her nap time. This was something Bob was grateful for; his niece was a great cuddle buddy when you wear her out.
Otherwise, she’ll drive anypony nearby insane.
The door to Flurry’s play room clicked open, and Cadance trotted in with a giggle. Her belly was a little round; another foal was on the way. “I see you can still tire our Flurry pretty effectively.”
“She nearly broke six of my ribs while we were wrestling,” Bob sighed. “She hits harder than Dashie does, and she hits hard . Flurry’s pulling her punches too!” Bob whispered. “You’re lucky that I still find fillies adorable, or I would’ve punted your daughter into the Moon after the first hour of me being here.”
Cadance giggled. “Flurry adores you, Bob. Remember when she had a crush on you when you first had a concert in the Empire?”
“Oh yeah, that was really weird for me. ‘Hey uncle, you’re pretty handsome…’” Bob said in a poor imitation of his niece’s voice. “I know having crushes and stuff on your adoptive relatives is normal for you ponies, but I still do not think like you guys.” The human shivered. “Having my adorable niece tell me that she was building a shrine in my name was horrifying.”
“Luckily her crush on you tempered off when you started coming to visit more often…” Cadance plopped down next to the human. “So, how are Zippy and Rainbow Dash?”
“Everything is going great with them. I rewrote and re-performed the song I improvised for Dash on our anniversary and I spent all day massaging Zippy on our anniversary. It was pretty fun, not gonna lie.” Bob smiled. “Ah, the look on her face when I started on her hips was so cute…” The human sighed. “When I get back, Twilight’s gonna turn me into a pony and we’re gonna try to try…”
“You three plan on having foals?” Cadance asked.
“Yeah. It took a lot of convincing, but I’m finally ready to try. I do want my own kids, even if it’ll be weird to explain to them why their dad looks weird.”
“Congrats Bob! I can’t wait to be an aunt that spoils your foals for once!”
“If my kid ends up killing me with puppy eyes and a cute, whiny ‘Auntie Cady let me do it’, I will haunt your ass.” Cadance giggled before nuzzling him. “How’s life goin’ Cady?” Bob asked as he slipped his hand under his sister in law’s jaw, and started scratching it.
“Everything’s going great… aside from the nobles,” both man and Princess shuttered. “Flurry Heart is growing nicely, as you can tell.” Cadance paused. “Shiny was hoping to share a drink with you while you’re here.”
“I’ll definitely see to that at some point while I’m here,” Bob chuckled as he watched his sister in law go cross eyed. The years had been more than nice to his sister in law. Her mane and tail had started flowing, much like Celestia and Luna’s had. She grew a little taller, now heavily resembling a very pink Luna, with her blond, pink, and purple mane. To say she was pretty was an understatement. “You still look adorable after all these years.”
“Well,” Cadance gave him puppy eyes. “I do pride myself in looking adorable!”
The door clicked open and Shining Armor had walked in. The years were very kind to the stallion; he didn’t look much older than he had when he and Bob had first met. “Bob!”
“Shhh,” both human and princess pointed at the unicorn’s sleeping daughter.
“We'll get wasted later, bro,” Bob whispered. Shining Armor nodded and nuzzled Bob, shared a kiss with his wife and trotted out the door. “You know,” the human leaned back. “I wasn’t here for the Battle of the Bell; I was a bit out of the country. I heard that Tirek and… Cozy Glow got encased in stone.”
“Why are you bringing this up, now?”
“Think that keeping Cozy Glow petrified for all of eternity’s a bit too rough on that kid?”
“...She tried to take over Equestria so many times, Bob. She has hurt your family so much…”
“I know. I can’t help but feel a bit sorry for her though; I was once that same kid that wasn’t given a chance to ‘redeem’ myself.”
“You never tried to kill anyone. If it weren’t for everypony and everyling coming together, we would be dead. ”
“I… guess. What if we let just Cozy out? She’s just a filly; if she tries anything then I will personally kick her head off her shoulders.” Cadance flinched at the sudden hatred radiating off of Bob. “I’m willing to give Cozy Glow a chance, but she’s on thin ice with me. I heard of every little thing she did to Twilight, and watched it happen too.”
“Well, Auntie Celestia did show me how to free the Legion. We’ll set Cozy Glow and see what she does. However, I want Shiny there, and I-”
Bob lifted his shirt, revealing a revolver he had gotten during one of his many escapades into the Mirror World. “She tries shit, and I’m unloading this into her.” Cadance simply nodded; Bob had told enough stories about human weaponry, and had witnessed the power behind the human’s revolver to know that if Bob wanted to, he could easily eliminate Cozy Glow should he need it.
A few hours later, Bob, Shining Armor, and Cadance were standing in front of the stone statue. Bob had his weapon holstered, but was a wrong move away from drawing it. Shining Armor had a shield, and he was casting a glare at the three creatures before him; Cozy Glow, Lord Tirek, and King Sombra. “We’re only letting Cozy Glow out,” he says.
“I know. She’s the only one that we can… put down,” Bob admits. “She’s the only one I can see possibly redeeming anyways.” Cadance’s horn lit up and a flash of rainbows had hit the petrified Cozy Glow. The stone split and cracked before everypony’s eyes were filled with a bright, white light. As soon as their vision cleared up, they watched as Bob slowly approached the dazed filly. The filly shook her head and looked around.
“What…”
“Howdy,” Bob knelt down. “How’s it going?”
“What the buck are you?”
“I’m a human, adoptive brother of Twilight Sparkle.” The human stopped and started studying the filly. She was… light pink, her mane and tail were curled up and held tightly by some hair ties. Her cutie mark was a rook. “Before you ask, I suggested that we let you go. Personally, I have every reason to hate you, but I’d like to believe that you could be a good person.”
“...I can get a second chance?” Cozy asked, giving the human big, wide puppy eyes… The human immediately picked up on the slight bit of malice behind those eyes, but decided to play along.
“Eeyup,” Bob knelt down and set his left hand on Cozy’s back, and started rubbing it. “You can become a better pony, grow up, and do good things. The only problem with that is… I can tell when you’re lying,” the human glared. “I don’t appreciate being lied to, kid. I genuinely wanna give you another shot at life, a chance to become something better. I don’t have to let you go. In fact, my sister in law and my brother are very much against the idea.”
“I…” Cozy Glow looked behind her, looking at her fallen comrades, Lord Tirek and King Sombra. “Okay. I see that now. But… How can I be redeemed? How do you plan on redeeming somepony that everypony deems as a lost cause? The first time I messed up, I was sent to Tartarus-”
“After nearly taking over the kingdom using the magic of friendship,” pointed out before rubbing her back some more. “You know, you could possibly gain something from living in the Crystal Empire…” Bob grinned before turning to Cadance and Shining Armor. “Whaddya say to another filly in the castle?”
“...Bob, why would we care for that monster?”
“Yeah, why would I want to go live with these ponies when they won’t love me?”
“Kiddo, where are your parents?” Bob asked. “Genuinely, where are your parents?”
“I… They mostly neglected me, and shipped me off to Twilight’s School of Friendship without letting me say otherwise. I already wasn’t a very good filly, and I saw a chance to finally be something.” Cozy said, her ears pinned against her skull. The human paused, before pulling the filly closer to his chest. Now, Shining Armor and Cadance’s no longer stared at the filly with any malice, soon were actually looking sympathetic, though skeptical.
“Jeez kid, talk about shitty parents,” Bob pulled the filly close. “I can’t raise ya, not very well, but I bet these two can,” the human pointed at the Crystal Empire’s rulers. “They do, after all, already have some experience and have raised a wonderful young lady. Perhaps… some parental love and snuggle time with a sibling is all you really need to keep you from being a monster…” Bob gently stroked the filly’s cheeks, before he screamed in pain as the filly chomped down on his thumb.
She didn’t draw blood or break anything, but it still hurt.
“I can’t believe you fell for that! Haha! I don’t care about my parents…” Cozy Glow stopped as her gaze fell upon the human that wasn’t mad at her. Cadance’s and Shining Armor’s scowls soon returned. All Cozy could do was stare up at the human that was still holding her, who was staring right back at her. Instead of one of anger or hatred, it was just… one of disappointment. That didn’t feel good to the filly. Cozy tilted her head, as she contemplated what she had just done. The human thought, foolishly, that she was saddened by her parents’ neglect of her and did his best to comfort her. Admittedly, the human’s paws caressing her cheek did feel good… And then she bit him for no reason.
“I thought I could getcha that second chance kiddo. I firmly believe in second chances, even third chances…” Bob sighed. “Perhaps I was wrong-”
“Wait,” Cozy raised her hoof to the human’s lips. “I… That look you’re giving me, what is it?”
“I’m simply disappointed. I thought you could change, getcha to be a better pony, but then you did that. I was offering you something I thought you needed some form of affection for. Then you bit me.” Bob sighed. “Sorry kiddo, but back in the stone-”
“I’m… sor-” Cozy croaked. “Sorr-” she coughed and wheezed. “Sorry for biting you and tricking you, okay? Believe it or not, that story is true, but… I don't care about them anymore…”
“Shiny, are you seeing what I’m seeing? Cadance asked.
“Nope.” The prince said sharply.
“Cozy’s showing remorse …”
“Oh… She said sorry too.”
“Because I am! I can’t shake that look of disappointment away from my mind, okay? It’s… like I let somepony down.” Bob smiled slightly before rubbing her back again. Slowly, and hesitantly, Bob moved his thumb up and started rubbing her cheek again. “That feels really nice, by the way.” The human’s smile grew a little, while Cozy herself looked conflicted between biting the hand again out of spite, or just accept the feeling.
“It better feel good; my wife adores cheek rubs. Most ponies do, in fact. This at least proves you are a pony and not some eldritch abomination trapped inside the body of a filly.”
“Am I going back to being stone now?”
“No,” Cadance started. “I will give you a chance. I will adopt you and raise you as my own. I will give you as much time as you need to… redeem yourself. However, the very moment you start showing your old ways, namely trying to kill anypony… I will turn you into stone. Am I heard, young lady?”
“Anything to not get that disappointed look on this guy’s face again… I am sorry, Bob.”
“Try your best kid, I’ll be rootin’ for ya. Hopefully when I come back to the Empire one day, I will be greeted by two adoring nieces and perhaps a nephew.” Bob set the filly down. “Go on, greet your new parents; they’ll probably love you to bits once you earn their trust.” Bob got up and smiled as the filly cautiously stepped forward. She attempted to nuzzle Cadance, who was giving her a smell check, before Cadance flinched back and raised her muzzle out of the filly’s reach. Cadance wasn't expecting Cozy Glow to actually try to be genuinely affectionate.
Several months later, Bob was sitting backstage, beside him was the Ponytones. “Ladies, and Big Mac,” Bob greeted the group of vocalists. “So Rarity, why did you ask me to show up?”
“Well, as you know, you are rather well renowned in Equestria for your talents. I figured it would be a good idea to expand the Ponytones’ popularity a bit by collaborating with you during tonight’s Nightmare Night festival. Given that you haven’t put on a show since Luna went to visit Queen Chrysalis’s Hive a year ago, it would be a good opportunity to reinvigorate your desire to play.”
“Alright. What do you want me to be? I can be a tenor, a baritone, or a bass. I can go super low,” Bob said as low as he could. “What do you want?”
“Well, perhaps you should be a bass. Your voice does have a lot of impact when you go so low.” Bob nodded, accepting his role in being the second bass. As the curtains raised, everypony started cheering at the sight of the Ponytones, only for the crowd to explode upon seeing Bob again. In the crowd, Bob could see Luna and Celestia watching from within, as they both still stood out like sore thumbs. Bob was surprised to see them…
“Rarity, a special request for tonight’s performance, please.” Bob said into the mic in front of him.
“What is it, Bob?” The alabaster unicorn asked.
“It’s Nightmare Night… and guess who’s in the crowd tonight?”
Rarity looked forward and immediately saw Luna.
“Oh. I see,” she hummed. “I believe we can divert from tonight’s schedule for our special guest, what do you say?” The rest of the Ponytones agreed. “Ladies and gentlecolts, since it is Nightmare Night …” Bob grinned as his fellow vocalists began to sing . Bob himself used his feet on the stage to make up for the lack of a snare drum sound, but sung as though he were a tenor. Luna, in the form of Nightmare Moon, was doing a tippy, tappy dance as she listened along while Celestia simply stood, in a banana costume, serenely smiling.
The rest of the opening show for Nightmare Night went out without a hassle. The crowd especially loved Bob’s role as the bass when combined with the efforts of Bic Mac; there was so much more impact in their octaves now. As soon as the show was over, Bob found himself pinned to the ground, with a big, dark blue alicorn nuzzling and nosing and planting kisses all over him. Zippy and Rainbow Dash, who were in the crowd watched on in slight jealousy; if they tried what the ex-Princess of the Night was doing, they would get dragged off stage even though everypony knows that they’re married to Bob.
Despite everything, Bob chose to keep his relationship with Luna completely platonic, and Luna was all too happy to follow said relationship; he did consider her a sister, and that was something the alicorn could be happy with. “Bob! It is good to see you again!”
“Lulu!” Bob laughed as he tried to fruitlessly evade the ticklish, pony tongue that was licking every inch of his face. Truly, tonight, the fun will be doubled with the ex-Royal Pony Sisters back in Ponyville for tonight.
Several days later, Bob, Rainbow, and Zippy were sitting on a couch together, watching something Bob had managed to save to his laptop on an escapade to the Mirror World. It was… Star Wars. It was something that Rainbow Dash immediately loved, and Zippy enjoyed it. They had long ago bought a house, since Twilight now had to live in Canterlot, on the ground. Rainbow was a bit upset until she figured out how to sneak clouds into their mattresses. The mares’ bellies were a bit round, since they had tried and tried… and soon, in about a year from now, there would be two foals running around the house.
“No!” Rainbow yelled as Luke lost his hand.
Bob couldn’t help but chuckle; he went from some random kid out in the woods, to a very, very popular musician. Now, if his wives desired, they wouldn’t have to work a day in their lives. Rainbow was still captain of the Wonderbolts, even if she was on maternity leave(flying while pregnant is surprisingly bad for your baby in the long run), and Zippy had opted to become a teacher at a local school house specifically for any unicorns in Ponyville.
Rainbow, despite not physically being older, thanks to the Element she was tied to, she still definitely felt older. Her manestyle now matched the ex-captain, Spitfire. Zippy… Oh, she grew. She grew alright. Now, she almost looks like an alicorn and could easily become a model if she wanted to. Long, slender legs, and her yellow coat had turned into a more golden color over the years. She looked very elegant. Her tail was draped over Bob, as it was her turn to use him as a cushion tonight. He simply sat with a smile as they ran through yet another marathon of movies and shows from the human world that Bob had managed to save,
Now, the only thing that would make his life better… was snuggling up with Twilight. A small grin grew on his face as he began to mentally devise a plan to sneak into Canterlot Castle, again, and surprise his elder sister, who had grown to look a lot like her mentor, before she had time to wake up and question what was happening. Upon being told the plan, Zippy and Rainbow Dash were all for it, and they had gone to gather the rest of Twilight’s friends; it was time that they pay their good friend a visit after all.
Life was good. Life was going good, and Bob simply couldn’t complain. He followed his pony friends onto the train, before casting a slight glare at Starlight(he was told of what Twilight had seen during their fight, and still hadn’t fully forgiven her for that), and took a seat on the train. “God, Zippy, I said I can’t carry you everywhere. You’re not the cute little filly you were when we first met.”
“You’re implying I’m fat… how cruel of you.” She side-eyed Rainbow, who met it with a mischievous grin.
“How dare you call her fat!” The cyan mare joined in on ganging up on their human. Bob just shook his head and let it happen. He may be the only man in the world, but that won’t stop him from enjoying every moment of it. The memories of his brothers and father were still strong, and he kept pushing on in life for them. Maybe one day, he can at least see them on the other side. The human leaned his head back, after being thoroughly ‘berated’ by his wives, to nap through the incoming train ride.
Author's Note
and... there we have it. the end. no twilight sadly, and a few loose ends I wanna leave loose. because if i ever come to this and decide to make a sequel, even a oneshot, it would be nice to have something to write off on.
thank you all for reading and joining me on this journey. enjoy your night, morning, or day whenever you're reading this, and just live life, lads.
A Meeting Between a Princess and a Human
Bob sat down on a log let out a long exhale through his nose. He had been walking around for the better part of an hour, and he had still yet to calm down. How could he? He got piled with a bunch of work that he only just managed to do without messing up, only to not even be acknowledged for what he had done beyond his report card. He brought his hands up to his face and dragged them down as he remained silent. There was a small break in the Everfree Forest that he had found, which opened up into a small little meadow that had a small pond. It was… something nice and quiet, far and away from the ponies.
The same creatures that preach love, friendship, and acceptance had screwed him over oh so thoroughly.
First, he had to live out in the wilderness, stealing food from ponies just to survive, and even fight back against those ponies when they catch him stealing. His scarred body was more than enough proof for how much he had been through during just his first year in Equestria. Now this? Bob sat and pondered upon whether or not he should continue with this punishment, or say ‘screw it’ and just throw himself in the pond to let all of his problems… sink away. Or to run away from Equestria and pray to God that Celestia doesn’t hunt him down.
A rustling in the bushes let the young man immediately know that he wasn’t alone. He wasn’t surprised; he wasn’t an idiot. He hears rumors and has read tales of what happens to whoever wanders into the Everfree. Most of those rumors and rumors tend to not end well. “Maybe whatever’s watching me will kill me quickly,” the human grumbled as he turned his focus back on his reflection in the water. His face was the one part of his body that wasn’t physically scarred, but he could see just how… He was so tired. He hadn’t gotten any sleep, he was physically tired, mentally he was at his end because of writing that damned song with Twilight… He couldn’t get killed just yet, he still has to thank her for helping him out so much with rewriting that song.
As the human sat on his log, he stared down into his reflection in the pond. Was it really too much to ask to be treated as a person? Was it too much to ask for any pony to consider how he feels? Apple Jack pushed him too hard on the farm and only really felt bad when he finally got hurt, Rarity treats him well, but doesn’t go out of her way to spend time with him. Fluttershy… She’s very nice, very sweet. She does go out of her way to seek Bob out, but she probably thinks of the human as an animal. Twilight, she’s nice, he’ll admit that, but she’s probably only doing so because her mentor, who happened to be the ruler of the very country Twilight lives in, told her to. Rainbow Dash hasn’t done much in the way of talking to Bob, and Pinkie is… a bit too much at times.
Bob only just managed to get out of a welcoming party that the party pony threw in his name.
The human sighed; nothing is going to change. Bob still has a debt to pay, for stealing food and hurting ponies that tried to hurt him for stealing that food. “Why am I repaying ponies for the food I needed? It’s not like I could’ve worked for it anyways. Hell, why am I repaying ponies that struck out at me first? Why the actual living FUCK do I even bother?” There was something rustling in the bushes behind him. Now, the human wasn’t an idiot, he knew of all the horrible things that could possibly happen to him for coming into the Everfree Forest, it’s why he walked in here to begin with. “Finally, something that’ll finally kill me! Fuck, I don’t even know why I cling onto life so much!”
The rustling stopped, a breeze made the human shiver. He wore just a tank top and some shorts, since he figured he wouldn’t be seen on stage beyond when his name… would’ve been called so that he could be credited for his hard work.
“Fuck it, I’m going to go back to Ponyville and probably find a rope. I’m sure Pinkie will love a human shaped pinata!” Despite the human’s attempts to follow the path he took into the forest, he still got lost. He was pretty sure that he stopped paying attention to where he was going three steps into the forest because of just how mad he is. Slowly, but surely, Bob was more and more sure that he was just not going to find his way back to… He paused as he stopped at a rope bridge. It really never sunk into the human before he thought of it.
He had nowhere to call home. Sure, he lived in Ponyville, and he lived in Twilight’s library, but he couldn’t really call that home. Sure, he liked the purple unicorn that was his roommate, as long as she didn’t call him barbaric, or compare him to an animal, but it still wasn’t home. Maybe with some tools, and some time, and money, he could build a place he could call home. At least, until Celestia would be willing to send him back home, which she won’t be until he ‘repays his debt to society’ or whatever. As he got across the bridge, he stopped in awe.
Just before him were the ruins of a castle. They were very clearly worse for wear, and were in the middle of a forest full of monsters that might eat him while he’s sleeping, but… he could call this home! Away from ponies, nobody would know he’s here, and he could live off the land… “Fuck, I’m going to have to steal food again if I live here; I can’t grow anything worth a damn.” If only he were a horse, then he could eat grass, then, he wouldn’t be casted out, or treated differently.
Maybe then, he could be happy.
As the human stepped foot in the castle, he immediately began looking around… only to jump when he heard hoofsteps. It was kind of hard to not miss them, since hooves were pretty loud, as is, and were even louder on hardwood, or stone floors. “I wot ‘tis been a thousand years, yet surely I would know where my bed chambers are.” A feminine voice sighed. “Haply they were surprised when I turned into Nightmare Moon.” Bob hid behind a fallen pillar as… a dark blue alicorn slowly came into view.
To say she was beautiful, by pony standards, was an understatement. Her fur was… flawless, perfectly dark blue, with no tangles or scruff that the human could see from his hiding place. She had a starry mane and tail that flowed in a nonexistent wind much like Princess Celestia’s did. Except this alicorn’s mane and tail more resembled the night sky than a rainbow. She wore black, diamond jewelry that mainly comprised of a necklace… and that was it. There was a crown made of a similar material and she had light blue horse shoes. So she was clearly royalty of some kind.
What on earth was a Princess doing in a dump like this?
Bob leaned on his pillar as he watched the alicorn go to and fro, across the abandoned, destroyed throne room. Then… didn’t notice when he pushed a piece of rock off of the pillar. The alicorn jumped. “Whom goes there?” She shouted. “If there are looters, we will toss thou ‘i a dungeon for stealing royal property!” her eyes quickly landed on Bob. “What kind of foul creature are thou?” Her eyes squinted. Her horn lit up and Bob quickly found himself floating in front of the blue alicorn. “Praytell, why are thou hither? Human?”
“...you know what I am?” Bob asked.
“Of course, our sister told us told us about a creature she found some few over a month since. A ‘human’ she bid it.” She started to glare at him. “Thou were meant to be ‘in Ponyville, why are thou i’ our corky castle? Trying to run aroint from thy punishment?” She asked.
“I’m not. I’m just mad at a few ponies and ran out into the Everfree forest… You are asking me why I’m here, right? I can barely understand what the heck you’re saying.”
“Of course. Say to us, why are thou enchafed? Are mine subjects not treating you well?”
“Enchafed?” Bob tilted his head.
“Forgive us, we are still adjusting to modern Equestrian. “Why are thou mad?”
“School play. You wouldn’t care.”
“Yet I doth, if it made thou join all the way out hither, what… happened at this ‘school play’, young human?” The Princess had set him down.
“I was tasked to do something for the play, since my whole class was meant to contribute to it in some way. I got to play the music used in the play, the violin, guitar, and the drums. I had to play three instruments, sing, and I gotta say, as stressful as it was, I had fun…” Bob smiled for a brief moment… “Then my teacher, who was also the director, couldn’t even be asked to tell the audience that I had anything to do with the play. All she did was give me an A for theater, and called it a day!” Bob let out a long, deep breath. “I just wanna be treated like a person, not some fucking animal. Ponies assume I don’t have feelings, and it’s fucking frustrating.”
Luna tilted her head, before glaring even harder. “Our knowledge on plays and shows haply outdated, yet e’en we know that thou should’st credit everypony involved, no? Didst that fall out of practice while we were towards the moon?”
“Keyword, your highness, ‘everypony’. I don’t fit that category.”
“Neigh! That shall not doth! Join, we shall take thee back to Ponyville, and correct thy teacher! Haply I shall yell at mine sister for punishing a child, whom was clearly struggling to survive ‘i the wilderness, alone, as well!”
“You can take me back to Ponyville, if that wouldn’t be too much trouble. Please don’t yell at my teacher on my behalf; I already did that when I wasn’t credited for my work.”
“Get on our back, we shall carry thou to Ponyville then. Thou are staying with mine sister’s pupil, Twilight Sparkle, yes?” Bob nodded. He reached out to…
“Wait, this won’t be awkward, will it? Me being on your back and all.”
“Nein,” Luna plainly said.
“Okay…” Bob put his hand on Luna, who was as tall as he was before stopping. “Wow… your fur is so soft!” He almost squealed. “Oh… That is a crime; you probably won’t let me pet you, or hug you,” the human said as he climbed on the alicorn’s back.
“Pet us? We are not an animal, young human. Praytell, what is thy name? It would be rude to call thou ‘young human’.”
“It’s Bob. And… I know you’re not an animal. You’re way, way too smart to be considered just an animal. Though Twilight Sparkle is pretty smart, and she doesn’t mind when I scratch her ears; she actually likes it.”
“Well, thou may scratch our ears? We’d doth it ourselves yet mine teeth canst not reach ‘em, and hooves are horrible for getting scratches. Consider this… a favor that thy Princess ask of thee.”
“Say no less,” Bob did as asked, and Luna’s Princess Face broke. Her Princess Mood broke as well. She cooed before leaning into the human’s palm.
“This is nice,” she lowered herself to the ground and Bob got off her back to sit beside her. “Thy paws are lovely. We might not but say to our sister about these!” She hummed. “Perhaps we shall even lift thy sentence when we return… Thou never strike us as a criminal throughout our engagement.” And… Bob hugged her. “Eep! Unhoof us…” She hummed again. “This actually feels nice. Perhaps thou wouldn’t mind being friends with us? Then thou may hug and pet us as thee please!”
“It… would be nice to have somebody I can call a friend.”
“Then thou shall call me Luna!” The Princess nuzzled her human. “And Celestia will not be allowed to receive hugs from thee! As thou art mine!”
Author's Note
i was gonna have chrysalis in here, but figured having Bob run into Luna, who’s trying to look for something in her old home, would make more sense.
Chryssy and the changelings will play a factor, but not for a while.
gonna also keep this chapter short, as I wanted to establish Bob’s new friend first and foremost.
i also think Luna would warm up to Bob pretty quickly, mostly because he is still a kid, and would probably sympathize with Bob over how he was overshadowed by the rest of his class and not paid his dues.
The trial for Bolt Strike was happening this morning. Bob was dressed up, as best as one can with a cast and bandages wrapped around his head. So Bob was wearing a fedora, that was just in the closet because this was typically the room the human was given whenever he was visiting Canterlot. The fedora was to cover his head, and he was given a trench coat that wasn’t too dissimilar to one a detective would wear. Surprisingly, everypony was dressed up for the trial.
Namely Zippy and the rest of her family. Seeing as the crimes committed were against them and Bob, everypony else would simply be serving as the jury, even if the jury really served no purpose in Equestrian court… when Princess Celestia or Princess Luna was involved. With both Princesses being fully trained judges, high judges at that, they could supersede anything that the jury says. The jury is mostly there to make sure neither Princess oversteps, no matter how unlikely that may be. Since it was during the morning, Luna would mainly serve as a witness to the most recent crime.
Though the entire jury already knew about what the plantiff did to the defendant, they probably wouldn't care about what happened during the trial as long as Bolt Strike gets punished. The entire jury was the Element Bearers.
While domestic violence, and by extension, child abuse were hard to prove in a court of law with the lack of security cameras, assault against a minor was the only law that could could easily nail Bolt Strike in the dungeons… if he were going there at all. Though the accusations of more domestic crimes would pile onto the stallion, and he would be given the option to plea innocent of those crimes... while being watched under several lying spells and the living lie detector that is Apple Jack.
Chrysalis would be serving as a co-judge during the trial just to skip over the process of trialing somebody that she was just going to drag off and torture as soon as it was her turn to ‘trial’ the stallion.
“Come on Bob, you can ride on my back, I won’t mind,” Rainbow Dash said. “Sure, it would be a bit weird, but Princess Celestia and Luna carry you all the time!”
“But… they’re tall enough to not drag my feet on the ground.”
“And I want to carry you! You’re injured anyways, so as the mare of our relationship, I say you let me carry you!”
“Just do what she says,” Zippy said her dam helped make any final touches to her dress. “I would be carrying you as well if you wouldn’t accidentally ruin my dress. Even then, the only thing stopping me from carrying you is the fact that I'm too short.”
“...It won’t be weird to either of you two if you carry me in the future? I let Luna carry me because I can’t say no to her puppy eyes, which she will give me if I try to decline riding on her back. Celestia just radiates that ‘cool parent’ vibe, after we worked out the nothing between us. So I let her carry me too... She also gets this sad look if I decline, which ends up with me climbing on her back anyways. You, Rainbow, are my equal if we’re going to be dating. Same with you Zippy. It'll just feel weird.”
“How about this,” Carte began. “You can easily carry Rainbow Dash or my daughter when you’re fully healed, correct?”
“I could easily carry your daughter, Rainbow would be a bit harder since most of her weight comes from her muscles, but I could carry her. She’s about as heavy as my dog woulda been if he ever fully grew; I can carry a big dog for some amount of time.”
“Why not take turns? A mare loves taking care of her stallion, and as her poor, injured stallion. So why not let Ms. Dash carry you?” Carte suggests. "You already pet them, and they don't mind. Let them spoil you too, dear."
“Yeah Bob! It’s my turn because you carried me to Twilight’s home on Hearts and Hooves Day!” Rainbow gently headbutted her coltfriend's shoulder.
Bob raised his good arm in a feeble attempt of defending himself from the vicious mare's attack. “I didn’t wanna leave you alone in a park while you were unconscious! I may not know how often it occurs in Equestria, but on Earth, if a girl is left unconscious at a park, you can assume she’s gonna get kidnapped. I woulda felt like an asshat if I left you hanging!”
“And that,” Rainbow Dash nuzzled Bob. “Is exactly why I like you.” The human titled his head, which reminded the pegasus of a confused dog for some reason. “Fluttershy always brought up how you drop everything when she stops by to hangout with you. Rarity too. You may not show it all the time, probably because we all don’t get to hang out with you as much as we should, but you do cherish me and the rest of my friends, dontcha?”
“Rarity… was probably the first pony that I woulda been fine with calling a sister, Rainbow Dash. Made sure I had clothes on my back, was always super nice to me, almost too polite. And during Winter Wrap Up, she got on my nerves like any big sister probably would. Fluttershy’s the reason I didn’t starve to death, because she discerned my diet pretty quickly and told Twilight what I could eat, and what could help satiate my need for protein…” Carte eyed Bob for a moment. “Mrs. Carte, I’m an omnivore. I can eat meat, usually I would prefer it, but I don’t need it to survive. And no I won’t eat your daughter… unless she wants me to.” Carte giggled at that, understanding what he meant.
“Bob! Don’t joke about that in front of my dam!” Zippy headbutted the human’s chest, and the human visibly shuttered and cringed over while holding his gut. “Ah buck! I forgot! I didn’t break anything, did I?”
“No, you hit my stomach,” Bob groaned. “Fucking christ, you hit harder than Fluttershy does, and she knocked the wind out of me when she did that the first time.”
“Fluttershy, hitting anyone? That doesn’t sound right,” Zippy said. “She’s the quiet one of the Element Bearers, so everypony just assumes she wouldn’t hurt a fly… others just kinda forget she’s the Bearer of the Element of Kindness.”
Bob laughed. “HAH! No, she could kick my ass, and probably even kick Rainbow’s ass if you somehow convinced her that Rainbow needed an ass whoopin'. Didn’t she literally stare a dragon in the eye once and scared the shit out of it?” The human turned to the cyan pegasus.
“She did. It was so awesome!” Rainbow squealed. "I never seen Fluttershy get so angry!"
“...Sweet Celestia, that mare has guts,” Fritters said, her eyes widened. "I couldn't imagine facing down a dragon." Zippy's damn stepped back from her daughter, giving the filly a once-over, and looking herself over in a mirror to make sure nothing is wrong with their dresses. Meanwhile, Rainbow might, or might not have been taking glances at both of her special someponies while they were dressed up. While she wouldn't try anything with them until they were both comfortable, she wanted nothing more than to see what was under Bob's suit, and have Zippy join them in a very aggressive snuggle session.
Bob checked over his suit, before nodding. “Aight, I’m ready to go. How about you ladies?”
“I’m ready!” Zippy said, trotting and doing a little twirl in her dress. “How do I look?” The filly asks. Bob looked her up and down. Zippy was wearing a simple, white dress that worked really well with her coat and mane. While it wasn’t anything extravagant, it was just for court, not the Great Galloping Gala, but it was pretty. “Well?”
Bob knelt down and cusped the filly’s jaw in his hand. “Absolutely perfect, Zips. If we were going to the Gala, I’d have to probably give the stink eye to anybody that tried taking my filly away from me… And I’ll already have to chase stallions away from Rainbow if we ever go. I hope we don't; that sounds like it would be a really busy night if for me if we did."
“I wouldn’t want to go; the party’s too stuffy for my tastes,” Rainbow scoffs, before her facial expression lightens. “Though, I wouldn’t mind going with you and Zippy. I’ll have to chase stallions and mares from Zips if she dresses like that, though.” Now the filly was blushing and hiding her face under her mane.
“I’ll get us tickets; Luna might be willing to spot me three tickets, but if she isn’t, I’ll just buy a few.”
The trio went and met up with the rest of Zippy’s family, who all were dressed in similar dresses to Zippy, even if a nearly pure white dress didn’t fit everypony. That didn’t really matter to any of them though, so they all got escorted to the throne room. Everything within was rearranged to more fit a typical courtroom, which only ever happens if a case reaches the crown, instead of it being a petition from anypony attending day court. Princess Celestia and Queen Chrysalis were sitting side by side on the throne.
Bob had to stifle a giggle. Both ladies were huge , and could barely fit on the throne. Their haunches were touching, even if Celestia flinched just a little at the contact every time… It looked like they were about to accidentally push each other off the throne. WIth how they both looked, they already made up their minds on Bolt's fate, and weren't going to take the trial very seriously. While Celestia and Chrysalis have gotten more friendly as time has gone by, but they weren’t ‘best friends’, hence Celestia constantly flinching upon slight contact. Again, it’s hard to break the habits of an old dog. Surprisingly, Luna isn’t present at all. Bob hums… she must be sleeping. Sitting across the aisle from him, was Zippy’s Dad and another stallion that was probably his attorney.
Zippy and her family were all sitting behind Bob, because all their accusations were going to be piled upon their soon to be ex-father-husband. The Element Bearers were all sitting in the jury benches.
While Bob felt he wouldn’t need a lawyer, with Celestia probably saying Bolt Strike is guilty as soon as the trial properly starts. He was just waiting for the Princess, and then the Queen to actually start the trial. Though… something was wrong. Celestia had been eying the human the whole time, with a very slight hint of playfulness in there despite the hardened ‘judge’ face she was wearing. “Forgive me, everypony, for waiting on the trial. I am waiting for Bob’s attorney to show up-”
The throne room doors slammed open, and Princess Luna came trotting in while wearing a blue suit. The sleeves went all the way down to the mare’s foreleg ankles. There were slits for Luna’s wings, which were closed. The suit ended just before the alicorn’s hips… she was wearing socks on her rear-hindlegs that went up to the knees… Even if they were more like a pony’s ankles than a knee.
“Holy shit,” Bob had to resist the urge to immediately pull Luna into a hug and scratch her ears, because she looked adorable.
“Hello, Bob. As you are certain, you have the right to a lawyer, just as the plaintiff is. Unfortunately, nopony wanted to take this case due to how difficult it would be to win.” Luna said, seating herself so she was practically squished into Bob’s side, which he didn’t really even mind. “Is something wrong? You look about ready to cry.”
“No,” Bob whispered. “Ponies in suits; something I never thought I’d wanna see, but now I can’t not wanna see it. You look adorable.”
“...Bob, I will lick your eye.”
“Do it, no balls.”
“...You are lucky that I have to look serious.” Luna looked at Bolt Strike’s attorney. “Seriously, why did you even show up? Both I, and my sister are witnesses , and are better trained in law than you ever will be. One of us, no matter the time of day, would be the high-judge, and the other would be Bob’s lawyer. There is physically no way you would be able to win.”
“That’s because you two arrested me for stopping a monster!” Bolt Strike growled. The stallion, miraculously, was fully healed, despite him being a bloody pulp last night.
“...You beat the shit out of me because you’re racist, and you hate that I treat your daughter better than you could treat any woman.”
“You were treating her like an animal!”
“Order!” Chrysalis slammed her mallet down so hard that it broke. Her eyes buldged, while Celestia just blankly stared at the Queen. Chrysalis chuckled before hiding the mallet. “Bolt Strike, you’re guilty. Seriously, there’s no way out of this. Three royals saw you commit an unwarranted assault on a minor. You have a long list of hate crimes. You reportedly assaulted the same minor, that you're on trial for assaulting right now, two years ago, have a long record of being violent, racist and unbecoming of a Royal Guard. To top it off, you’ve been accused of domestic abuse, with one of your wives sporting a black eye from said domestic abuse. There was also a report of you finding one of my changelings, one of my children , and beating them within an inch of their life… they died in the hospital.” Bolt Strike’s eyes narrowed on the Queen.
"You can't prove anything! I didn't kill one of your stupid bugs!"
“I have changelings everywhere, you fool. You attacked that changeling while they were buying groceries for their mate, who happened to be a pony. One of the few ponies that actually accepted one of my own upon being forced to undisguise themselves. That pony is now a grieving, pregnant mother with that changeling’s foal. That drone's death was reported, and I have been sending the poor mare a stipend for the last few months. Do you even understand how much it is taking me to not cut your head off here and now? My child is dead, and my future grandfoal will never know one of his parents because of you.”
Bolt punched the table, damn near cracking it. “You were treating me poorly when you arrested me! You unlawfully handled a prisoner-”
“I was handling you as a prisoner of the Hive, not of Equestria. In my country, you would’ve had your limbs broken while my children skin you alive, pod you, or castrate you with a pair of garden shears… without the use of painkillers. What I did to you was mild by comparison. So, you are guilty.” The queen looked to the lawyer. “Thorax, you can quit pretending to be a lawyer. Step away from him as well; a being so full of hatred cannot be healthy for you to be sitting by. I commend you for managing so long.”
The stallion's lawyer let out a relieved sigh. “Thank the Queen... Thank you Mom,” the stallion sitting beside Bolt Strike bursted into green flames that shot towards Chrysalis. In a moment, there was a changeling snuggled into Chrysalis’s chest, facing the crowd. His head slotted right between his mother’s forelegs as she hugged him closer. Bob almost squealed in delight at the adorable sight. “That stallion smells rotten, your highness, and he is getting ready to lie to you as much as possible despite how futile those attempts may be.” Thorax said to Celestia. “We changelings can work as good lie detectors, even if the Bearer of Honesty is better at detecting lies than I am.”
Chrysalis couldn’t help but giggle when her child looked over Apple Jack, like he was trying to get a look at something… more on the mare.
Thorax did have an apparent crush on one of the Bearers; they were celebrities and Apple Jack, aside from Rainbow Dash, was the most physically fit of the six… It only made sense for her son to take interest in the farmer.
“Hold it!” Bolt Strike growled. “What about my right to a lawyer?”
“You lost that right when you struck at a foal, Mr. Strike. On the table in front of you, you will also see divorce papers. Do sign those; you’re not getting out of that either. That’s why your family is here, after all,” Celestia said with a small smile. “Hopefully you will choose a path… more harmonious once your sentence is up.” Bolt grumbled as he signed every single paper, including a termination slip from the guard. As soon as he was done, Thorax disappeared, and reappeared behind the stallion with a frying pan. One loud ‘clang’ later, and six more changelings picked the stallion off before dragging him away for his ‘trial’ in the Hive.
“So,” Bob said. “Why a trial if that was gonna happen?”
“As an Equestrian citizen, Bolt Strike is allowed a trial; not a fair trial, but he had to have a trial. We were going to have a ‘proper’ trial, but then you booped your lawyer on the nose, because you think she’s wearing a cute outfit,” Celestia said with a mischievous smile. “I told her to put the suit on, so that you’ll take her seriously… I can tell that you didn’t.”
“What? Luna looks adorable! How could I not hug her?” Bob asked, now hugging Luna with his good arm. “If I didn’t have a broken arm and a fucked up skull, I would probably carry her out and give her a belly rub in the hallway.”
“I thought the suit would make me look like a professional! That’s what Rarity told me when she made it!”
The two giggled before everyone relaxed. “So, Mrs. Pike,” Princess Celestia spoke up. “You are currently the new head of your family; do you still plan on moving to Ponyville?”
“The quieter town would be nicer. You said you would be sending some stallions to help the three of us move our stuff?”
“As the law states, newly divorced mares may receive aid from the Crown should they wish to relocate,” Chrysalis states. “That is what Equestria follows upon divorce,” she got out of her chair. “Well, I shall tend to Bolt Strike’s… imprisonment. Luna, I hope to see you for dinner?”
“If Bob doesn’t knock me out beforehoof,” the Princess nodded.
Several days had passed since the trial. Bob was still wearing his cast, but his head no longer needed bandages thanks to Twilight constantly casting healing spells on the human’s skull. Now, it was safe for the unicorn to safely cuddle with Bob and lay in his lap, without accidentally harming him. So long as she minds his healing arm, at the very least. It was nearing night time, but Twilight was wide awake; Princess Celestia sent Twilight a letter and a spell diagram.
“You know,” Bob started. “Perhaps you should wait before casting a random spell that Celestia sent.”
“Pfft, what’s the worst that can happen?” Twilight asked, while yawning. “Princess Celestia told me to finish this spell, the very one that Starswirl the Bearded wrote, but never finished!” She clapped her hooves. “Just imagine what it could do.” Spike was already fast asleep upstairs.
“Twi, casting spells while you’re tired, especially incomplete spells sounds like a disaster waiting to-”
Twilight’s horn lit up and performed the runes… Nothing happened.
“I swear, Twilight, if the library blows up and kills me in the morning before Zippy can finally say ‘hi’ after moving and settling it, I will haunt your ass.”
“Well, the spell didn’t do anything, so I don’t see why you would randomly die. Though if you do haunt me, I will find a way to bring you back to life.”
“Cool. I could be a zombie. That sounds fun!” The human said sarcastically. “C’mon, I wanna get some sleep. Zippy’ll wanna stop by, and take me out for a walk around Ponyville to help her get acquainted with the area. Rainbow’s joining us, since our original plans are kinda on hold until this,” Bob pointed at his cast. “Heals up properly.”
“My little brother is going on a date! Oh! I bet you’ll want to wear a tuxedo-”
“It’s a walk around the park. Zippy’ll probably wear a simple dress again, or a bowtie after figuring out that I might’ve said that she’d look adorable if she wore one. Rainbow’s going completely nude, as per usual with you ponies. I can just go in my tank top and my shorts since it’s a nice, summer day.”
“Alright… We’ll go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can get started on figuring out what this spell actually does.” Bob stood up, Twiggles in one arm, with her draped over his shoulder. Twilight was using her magic to hold onto Bob better so he wouldn’t need his other hand at all. The human carried his adoptive sister up stairs before promptly crawling into bed with her. After making sure there was no conceivable way Twilight could roll onto the cast, they snuggled up closely, despite the warm weather, and went to sleep.
Truth be told, Twilight did want to be an older sister, and while she was that to Spike, he wasn’t that big on cuddling at all. Bob, however, was the perfect little brother in her mind; she could snuggle with the human all night long and he wouldn’t complain. And as the older sister, Twilight had no complaints with snuggling with either of her younger sisters should they want to, and right now, Bob clearly wanted to. So who was she to deny it?
She took one more, long, deep breath before releasing it. She laid her head in the nook of Bob’s neck, right at the collarbone, before drifting off to sleep with the aid of Bob idly stroking her ears.
The next day, Twilight woke up, had her breakfast, and bursted into song as soon as her plate was empty. Given that the mare had a pretty (un)healthy amount of cheese with her eggs, Bob was somewhat shocked to find that her voice wasn’t raspy in any way, shape, or form. Given that dairy products tend to screw with your throat and, by extension, your vocal chords and all that stuff. The tune itself sounded a bit like something out of a play that Bob’s heard of before. The door reopened and Zippy trotted in wearing a bowtie, along with a letter in her mouth.
“You look adorable, as I suspected,” Bob chuckled as Zippy spat the letter out on the table. “What’s this?”
“Hold it,” Bob raised a hand. “Rainbow’s taking care of an animal that isn’t her tortoise?”
“Yeah? Why is that weird-“
“Jesus christ… Zippy, Fluttershy’s the animal caretaker of our group, not Rainbow. Lemme guess, she gave it to you before dashing off to her ‘cottage’?”
“Yeah… I thought she lived in a sky castle.”
“You didn’t notice anything wrong with her mark?”
“I did… It was actually Fluttershy’s cutie mark.”
“I think I know what that spell, that Princess Celestia sent…” The human cringed before slouching. “Well, we aren’t gonna do much while sitting around, doing nothing.” Bob got out of his chair. “So want that tour, or do you wanna help out our national heroes with whatever this week’s bullshit is turning out to be?”
“I think the tour can wait. If what is happening is affecting Rainbow Dash, then…”
“How are we actually even gonna do anything?” Bob asked, leading Zippy towards Fluttershy’s cottage. “I’m no mage, and I don’t think you know how to swap cutie marks around, do ya?”
“I… I don’t even think there’s a spell powerful enough to do that,” Zippy shrugged. “What spell did Princess Celestia send to Twilight?”
“A spell from some dead dude, Starswirl the Bearded.”
“Starwirls the Bearded?”
“Yeah, I know. Twi’s shocked that nopony knows Star Swirl the bearded…” The human sighed. “Let’s go make sure Rainbow doesn’t burn Fluttershy’s house down until Twilight can solve this… that’ll probably work out better than whatever the hell we can do.”
By the end of the first hour, Rainbow Dash was tied up, Zippy was hanging from the ceiling, from a rope that was tied around all four of her legs. Bob tied up, and sat next to Rainbow Dash while Angel kept giving him the stink eye. “Mother fucker,” Bob sighed. He leaned back and nudged the pegasus. “How’re you holding up?”
“I… I don’t know. I don’t like this,” Rainbow moved her head, pointing all around with her muzzle. “But my cutie mark is telling me to do it, so I’m doing it.” Bob’s good arm could be at least close enough to rub the pegasus’s back. “I don’t get how anypony could get these animals to behave! I thought… I knew a pony that could, but I can’t remember her name…” She sighed. “At least I have you and Zippy with me; maybe we can bribe the animals into behaving.”
“With what? My blood?!” Zippy groaned. “Why did they even tie us up?”
“I don’t know,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “This sucks.”
“Tell me about it,” Bob leaned back. “Hopefully Twilight figures something out; she accidentally casted that spell, that I’m assuming did whatever it did to you… For now I’m gonna take a nap and hope nothing else goes wrong.” Bob leaned back into his marefriend, having slipped his good arm out without any of the animals noticing. He wrapped his arm around the pegasus and laid his eyes on Zippy before he drowsily went to sleep. With both mares knowing that they couldn’t really do much else, decided to take a nap as well.
“C’mon guys, check it out!” Bob said, coaxing his older siblings into the garage…
“What are you showing us this time?” the eldest of the three brothers, Sean, asked. Despite being one of the first people to be shown what was about to be shown, when Bob was first practicing it, he was still excited to see the final project.”
“Listen…” Bob walked over to the work machine in the corner of the garage. Next to it was an electric drum kit. The wall had a shelf where a violin case laid, along with an electric guitar. Next to the shelf, was a microhpone sitting over a piano to help record any of the present instruments. These were given to Bob over the years once he showed an interest in making music. The violin case shined pristinely as Bob hit play on the project.
It was his own rendition of I wanna be in the calvary . Being the good brothers they were, they listened first, and then teased Bob here and there while genuinely enjoying what the youngest of the four of them managed to put together. “You sure you don’t wanna post this anywhere?” Sean asked.
“People’ll make fun of me,” Bob said.
“Or they’ll love you.”
“But…”
“Richie, just you can’t just-”
“Bob, wake up!” Zippy put her front hooves on Bob, and was genuinely planning on kicking her coltfriend in the stomach to wake him up. “Twilight found a way to fix Rainbow Dash! C’mon, she’s fixing the rest of the Elements!”
“Oh shit…” Bob hopped on his feet, before chasing the excited teenager out of the cottage. They just caught Twilight running from a group hug between her, and her friends that were now back to normal and happy again. “God fucking dammit,” Bob groaned as he had to run after the group of ponies, being the slowest of the group, managed to just catch something inside the library blowing up… The door was wide open, Zippy, Spike and the Element Bearers were staring wide eyed, or crying for some reason. Bob ran in to see a black scorch mark next to a scroll with Star Swirl’s spell diagram on it.
“What… the… fuck… happened… to my sister.” Bob snarled.
Author's Note
Luna in a suit
twilight is gonna grow wings.