Pinkie Pie Condemns Numerous Souls to Eternal Torment

by Caffeinated Pinkie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Random, Crossover, Touhou, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1339

Pinkie Pie has worked many jobs in her time: party planner, babysitter, marriage counselor... Yamaxanadu?

Being the only Yama in charge of Gensokyo for thousands of years, Eiki Shiki has every right to take a day or two off. In fact, that sounds like a fantastic idea. It would certainly give her the time to find new people to lecture... The only problem is who would take her place, performing a thankless and extremely stressful job. There's only one person, or pony, that Eiki can think of who is suited for the job.

Also posted to my Ao3 account where I am occasionally posting Touhou stuff.

Published 2023-10-18 03:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-10-18 03:00:00 UTC

Pinkie Pie, Yamaxanadu

“Sugar!” Pinkie yelled manically at the spirit quivering before her. An aura of confusion flowed from the terrified white blob. The pink pony waved a paper in the air before slamming it onto the desk.

“You’ve only had—“ she pauses for a moment and looks at the paper, “—492,393 grams of sugar in your entire life?” She picked up a red stamp and used it everywhere except the box that said 'judgement'. She began shouting, "Sugar doesn't lie! Hell!"

An honest to goodness large trapdoor on the ground opened up, swallowing the ghost whole as they fell into a deep red light.

A tall woman with red hair in twintails looked at Pinkie. She tossed her large scythe from one hand to the other. “So, uh, first off, why are ya doing Lady Eiki’s job?” She noted the strange creature was wearing her boss’ hat for some reason.

Pinkie raised a hoof in the air waving at no one in particular, shouting “Next!” She lowered her arm and looked at Komachi. “‘Cuz she asked me to, silly!”

She looked at the next spirit that timidly floated in and gave off a blood curdling screech. “Party pooper!” she yelled shrilly. Her hoof moved to point accusingly at the spirit. Pinkie picked up the red stamp with her mouth and massacred the paper once more. “No party poopers allowed!”

Another fell through the trapdoor. Komachi glanced over to where the spirit used to be. She commented, “Ya know, ya’d think they could fly or somethin’.” Clearing her throat, her focus once more shifted to the pink horse in the room. “That didn’t really answer my question. Uh, well, who are ya, I guess?”

Pinkie slammed a hoof on the desk. “Next!” she shouted again, eyes gleaming. “I’m Pinkie Pie, Esquire, duh!” She glanced up. “I think.”

Komachi shifted as she watched the next spirit enter. “You’re a lawyer?” she asked incredulously.

Pinkie paused and tilted her head, looking at Komachi. “Is that what that means?” She giggled. “That makes a lot more sense…”

The phantom shied away from the center of the room, seemingly noticing the large hole that had been left open. Pinkie turned her gaze to lock on what may have been its face.

"When was your last birthday party?" she asked. Receiving no answer, she shouted, "Denied!". A second, smaller trapdoor opened beneath the spirit and it fell with a wordless scream.

Komachi frowned. "Alright, Ms. Pie, just what is Eiki doin', slackin' off at a time like this?"

Pinkie chortled, waving her hoof towards unseen attendants. "You sound just like my friend!" she yelled at Komachi, far louder than necessary. She then turned to the poltergeist entering the room and sniffed at the air.

She crowed, "Is that black licorice I smell?!" Her hoof came down hard on the table. "To Hell!"

Komachi sighed, twisting her scythe to rest it on her shoulders. She put her unencumbered hand on the other hip. "Well, I best go find her, I guess." She headed for the door, but turned around to address Pinkie. "Take it easy on the poor souls, wouldja?" She left the room hurriedly.

Pinkie leaned back and stared at her blankly. "Oh, is that what they're called?" She beamed brightly. She turned to fix the next soul with a ferocious glare. It shifted backwards. Suddenly, Pinkie broke out in a wide smile. "You look like someone who likes friendship!" She quickly stamped the paper with a 'Heaven' stamp. "Heaven!" She shrieked. It floated through the ceiling.

When another soul floated into the room, they found it eerily quiet with the pink pony staring intently at the paper on her desk. “Netherworld?” she asked, then squinted at the soul. “What’s Netherworld?” She stamped the paper with a similarly named stamp, sending the ghost flying through a door to her right.

Pinkie stared blankly before smiling. “Netherworld!” she echoed happily. “Netherworld!” she shouted again as a soul entered the room. Her gaze shifted to its form and her smile was replaced with a scowl. “Hell!” she shrieked like a banshee.

Her eyes widened and she started frantically searching the desk in front of her. "Wait, where's the undo button?!"

The dim light above flickered with a soft buzz, illuminating the small room that Eiki and Komachi now inhabited. Komachi shifted her scythe from her left hand and tried her best to adopt a serious expression. Eiki silently sifted through a large stack of papers in front of her, taking her time to look over each one with as condescending an expression as she could muster.

A pungently sweet odor wafted to Komachi’s nose from the papers, carrying the unmistakable scent of cupcakes and pink. She shuddered, trying her best to ignore it. Eiki, meanwhile, finally looked up from her desk and down at Komachi. Despite her own height being nothing to scoff at, Eiki was easily a head taller, standing behind her desk. Even Yamas can find standing desks useful for long document review sessions.

“Yes, Komachi?” she asked. Her eyes drifted back to the papers in front of her.

Suppressing a disgusted gurgle, Komachi straightened up at the opportunity to talk. “Well,” she began, searching for the words. “I guess I’m worryin’ about yer decision to put that pony in charge of yer duties.” She internally grimaced; she hadn’t meant to phrase it as a failing on her boss’ part. Outwardly, she kept her expression schooled.

Eiki scoffed, barely looking up to acknowledge the question. “You are going to have to be more specific than that,” she eventually intoned.

“What?”

She finally looked up and lowered her reading glasses slightly. “I said you must be more specific about whom you speak of.”

Komachi could only stare in silence, mouthing the words back to herself. She stuttered, “I— she—” before taking a deep breath. “I think ‘er name was Pinkie Pie?” she upspoke, choosing to omit her full title.

“Ah, yes.” Eiki nodded thoughtfully. She eventually continued, “I fail to see the problem.”

Silence fell over the room as Komachi simply stared incredulously. Eiki returned to her work for a long while. Eventually, she spoke again, not looking up. “You are still in my office.” It was not so much a question as a statement of fact.

Komachi nodded slowly. Eiki sighed, looking down at her. “You are questioning my decisions in this matter.” Once more, this was not intended for Komachi to respond to. She shifted uncomfortably where she stood.

Eiki picked up a piece of paper from her desk that she had yet to review. Her eyes, however, remained more on Komachi than the paper as she spoke. “Correctly sent to Heaven, as deemed by the Ministry of Right and Wrong.”

She put the paper to the side and picked up another. “Correctly sent to Hell, as deemed by the Ministry of Right and Wrong.”

The next paper. “Correctly sent to the Netherworld, as deemed by the Ministry of—”

An uncomfortably long time passed of Eiki painstakingly reading out each and every judgment laid down by the pink party pony. Such a long time, in fact, that Komachi was certain she had missed at least two nap breaks and was on the verge of missing yet another. Even so, the thought of napping only brought with it the dread of hearing Eiki’s condescending voice say those same thirteen or so words in her dreams, too.

“—by the Ministry of Right and Wrong.” And she was still going. Komachi had long since learned that protests would do nothing to stop such a force of nature.

“I see no problem here.” That statement snapped Komachi out of her daydreams. Eiki had her arms folded on the desk in front of her, the papers she was reading finally exhausted.

Komachi tried to form a coherent sentence. After a few false starts, she managed, “I— how?”

Eiki leaned forward with a small smile upon her face and sparkles in her eyes. “Sugar doesn’t lie.”