I Have No Social Skills... But I Must Go Out

by Trashmaniac

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3527

Life in ponyvill is pretty good until you go outside.

I liked to be alone and didn't socialize much. I lived in a house at the edge of town and only went out when I had to. So why is the whole town trying to burn my house down!

Published 2023-10-21 16:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-10-31 21:48:01 UTC

Chapter 1: Nightly Routine

I was living the dream in Ponyville and living like a hermit, selling herbs to the locals, sipping cocoa in my checkered robe. Life was good. The ponies were quirky, the scenery stunning, and the weather was reliably predictable. Except for one thing—there was this one pony who made my life... interesting. At first, I couldn’t make sense of their weirdness, but after some time, I learned to just roll with it.

I’m sitting there, in my cozy little shack, sipping cocoa (which I almost spilled on my green face), looking out the window. Sunset’s here, time to harvest some herbs. I grab an apple and glance at the calendar—it’s marked with a red circle for the summer solstice celebration. Of course, I completely forget about it. Who needs parties when you’ve got a perfect view of the sunset and cocoa in hand?

I toss my shoes on, muttering to myself, “I’ll remember eventually,” as I wander out into Ponyville. The ponies wave as I pass, but honestly, I don’t even bother with them. I’m that weird green guy in town. They know me, I know them. It’s fine.

The Everfree Forest calls to me. It’s dangerous, sure, but it’s full of rare herbs. I’m here for the loot, not for a stroll through paradise. As I make my way through the forest, collecting medicinal plants and herbs that would make a fortune in the right hands, something catches my eye—a dark blue mist that zips past me like it’s late for an appointment. I freeze, herbs in hand, trying to figure out if I’ve lost my mind or if there’s some kind of ghostly prankster in the woods. I blink. It’s gone.

Okay, screw that. I’m out. Fast. My mind races as I retrace my steps back to the safety of town, but I can’t shake the feeling that something’s off. Ponies glance at me as I pass, sensing my nerves. I don’t care. I’m not going back there tonight.

Back in my warm, cozy house, I lock the door behind me. Screw the mysterious mist, the creepy forest, and whatever the hell just happened. For now, I’ve got my herbs, my cocoa (finally), and my peace. Tomorrow, I’ll head back to the forest. Or not. We’ll see.

I stepped out of my house and glanced over at Anon's place on the outskirts of Ponyville. It looked like a disaster zone—grass taller than a stallion's mane and peeling paint that screamed 'I need help!'. But hey, not my problem. Not today, anyway. Today, I was all about securing a front-row seat at the Summer Solstice celebration. Princess Celestia lowering the sun? Yeah, that was the main event.

As I strutted towards Town Hall, ponies bustled around, prepping for the festivities. Banners fluttered, and the air buzzed with excitement. I was all in, grinning like a kid who'd just discovered sugar. But then, of course, fate had to throw in a curveball.

Just as Celestia’s grand entrance was about to happen, the sky turned dark, and out of nowhere, Nightmare Moon appeared. The crowd gasped, panic set in, and I stood there, completely dumbfounded. My heart raced, but then—oh no. I remembered something. Earlier that day, I’d seen Anon coming out of the Everfree Forest, a weird mist following him like some kind of shady fog machine. And he looked off. I couldn’t figure out why at the time, but now? It clicked.

My stomach dropped as the pieces fell into place. I shot my hoof in the air. "Wait!" I screamed. "I saw Anon! He came from the forest with the mist! He’s gotta be involved!"

Ponies around me exchanged confused glances. Slowly, though, murmurs spread. Other ponies started to speak up, confirming what I’d seen. The crowd grew restless. Meanwhile, Nightmare Moon was droning on about eternal night, but I couldn't focus on her. My brain was too busy trying to figure out how the heck Anon was wrapped up in this.

Then, of course, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack overheard me.

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. "Anon? The weird green dude? What’s he got to do with any of this?"

Pinkie Pie bounced in place. "Ooh, ooh! I bet he’s a secret spy for Nightmare Moon! That’s why he avoids me and my awesome parties!"

Applejack squinted. "Now hold on. Anon helped me out before, gatherin’ herbs for Granny. Maybe we should give him a chance to explain."

Pinkie Pie interrupted with a grin. "We need to find him! Where does he live?"

"Edge of town," I said, pointing dramatically. "His house looks like it’s been attacked by a tornado and a paintbrush."

Rainbow Dash didn’t waste a second. "Let’s go. We’re getting answers, now."

Applejack, ever the cautious one, added, "Let’s make sure we don’t accuse him of anything without hearing his side. We owe him that much."

As they ran off, it hit me. Nightmare Moon was still there, and apparently, she wasn’t too thrilled that the ponies in the crowd weren’t cowering in fear of her. Her monologue was cut short as she realized the moment was slipping. And that’s when the riot started—ponies shouting, running in every direction like their tails were on fire.

Nightmare Moon snapped. "Screw this," she muttered under her breath, turning and storming off to her next plan—getting the Elements of Harmony and casting eternal night before anyone could stop her.

Meanwhile, I had one thought buzzing in my head: I’m going to have so much to tell the others.

I wake up in the evening, groggy as usual, and shuffle into the bathroom for a shower. The hot water hits me like a blast of reality, and after drying off, I throw on an office shirt, red tie, dress pants, and leather shoes—because, y'know, it’s totally normal to dress up like you’re going to a meeting when it’s 8 PM.

Feeling somewhat presentable, I head to the kitchen for breakfast—because dinner can’t be a meal without breakfast first, right? I shove some food in my mouth, grab my stuff, and head out.

The second I step outside, the chaos of Ponyville hits me. Ponies are running around like their tails are on fire. My gaze shifts to Flash Trade, who suddenly stops and stares at me like I'm a fugitive. He locks eyes with me and... raises a hoof?

"YOU!"

Without thinking, I slam my door and lock it. Not today, Flash. But, of course, the pounding begins. It's like the universe hates me. I peek through the window to find Flash, now apparently auditioning for Ponyville's Next Top Villain, trying to break down my door.

"I know you did something! You were running out of those woods when the mist appeared!" he yells.

Before I can process his accusation, a group of ponies comes charging toward my house. Leading them? The pink menace herself, Pinkie Pie, with that freaky smile and eyes too big for her face. They’re heading straight for me, and I can already feel my social anxiety kicking into overdrive.

I scramble for my secret weapon—the case—and head toward the Everfree Forest. A safe haven… until she bumps into me.

“Oh my gosh! I found you, Anon-Mario!” Pinkie bounces off me like I’m a trampoline, giggling like she didn’t just murder my escape plan.

“Uhh, making-a a pizza… Delivery-a pizza to… uh, Mr. Anonymous,” I stammer, my mustache crooked and my bald head sweating like a running faucet.

Her wide blue eyes narrow in on me. “Hey, Mario! I was looking for Anon!”

I try to hold it together. “Y-yes, Pinky! Always delivering-a pizza to-a my customers! But Anon, he, uh... not-a here. Don’t-a know where he went,” I ramble, praying she buys it.

Suddenly, hooves thunder in the distance. I see Rainbow Dash coming in like a comet, skidding to a stop.

“Wait, is that a monkey?” she blurts out, eyes locked on me.

“What the hell did you just call me?” I mutter, but my words get lost in the mess.

Pinkie, always the troublemaker, grins. “Well, I thought I found Anon, but it’s just Mario delivering a pizza! So random, right?”

Before I can explain how not random this is, Rainbow spots my case. "Is that supposed to be a… pizza?"

“Y-yes?” I stutter, barely holding on.

Then Applejack barrels in, out of breath but on cue. “Why the heck are y’all playin’ dress-up? Oh hey, Anon! And, uh, what’s that contraption on yer face?”

All three ponies turn to me, confused. My stomach sinks. That’s it. I’ve exhausted all possible excuses. Without thinking, I spin around to run into the forest, but the combined weight of three ponies slams into me, dragging me down.

This is how I die.

Author's Note

Hey, Trashmanic here. I've just started writing this story after coming up with the name. I'm writing it mostly for fun, and it'll be a mix of episodes from the show and completely original chapters.

December 10th, 2024: The chapter was edited to address pacing issues, and the (POV) was removed for chapter 1 and 2.

Chapter 2: In Search Of Answers

The three ponies dragged me into my cluttered kitchen, which looked like a hoarder's nightmare. Pinkie Pie was bouncing in her chair like a hyperactive jack-in-the-box, while Rainbow Dash stood at the counter, wings flared and clearly ready to throw down. Applejack gave me an unsure look as she stepped forward.

Rainbow Dash crossed her hooves and narrowed her eyes. “Alright, spill it, Anon. What’s your role in this mess?”

I tried to stay cool, but my mind was running a mile a minute. “I have no idea. I just stepped out and found everything in chaos.”

Pinkie Pie hopped onto the table like she was launching into a surprise party. “Come on, Anon! You’re hiding something! Did you join Nightmare Moon? Planning to make the night last forever, huh?”

I blinked. “What? No! I don’t even know who Nightmare Moon is!”

Applejack stepped up, her expression softening. “We ain't accusin’ ya, but we need to figure this out. Can you help?”

I fumbled for a way out but knew it was pointless. “I... I think the library has more information. You should check it.”

Pinkie’s eyes lit up like Christmas. “Oooh! The library! Let’s go, let’s go! There could be clues!”

Rainbow Dash wasn’t buying it, though. “Nice try, Anon. You’re not getting off that easy. We’re taking you with us.”

I sighed, already defeated. “Fine, but I swear, I’m not involved in any of this.”

Applejack gave a cautious nod. “We’ll keep a close eye on ya.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered. “Let’s just go already.”

Pinkie Pie was practically vibrating with excitement. “A mystery-solving adventure! And a party afterward!”

Rainbow Dash perked up. “Ooh, party? That sounds good. Let’s get to the bottom of this thing and then throw the best party ever!”

Applejack smiled. “Sounds like a plan.”

As we headed out, Pinkie paused, her wide eyes suddenly full of confusion. “Wait a second—Anon, I’ve never seen you at one of my parties!”

I shifted awkwardly, feeling the heat of suspicion on me. “Uh, no. I... I’ve just never had the chance.”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Hold on. No one avoids Pinkie’s parties unless they’re a spy or some shady character. What’s the deal?”

Applejack glanced between us. “Now that y’all mention it, that is mighty strange.”

I muttered under my breath, “I don’t know... I just never...”

Pinkie Pie bounced right back into her usual excitement. “Oooh, that makes it even more exciting! You definitely have to come to the party once this is all over! It’ll be the best!”

Rainbow Dash wasn’t convinced, her skeptical gaze still trained on me. “We’re still watching you, Anon.”

I sighed, resigned to my fate. “Fair enough.”

As we walked into the library, the air was thick with tension, not from us, but from a heated standoff between two ponies. A purple unicorn and a pink-and-purple-maned pony were going head-to-head with a white unicorn, while a yellow mare with a pink mane shrank back in the background, clearly terrified.

Curious, I couldn't help but ask, “Why are Marshmallow and Grape Juice fighting?”

The two mares froze, staring at me. The white unicorn, now known as Marshmallow, gasped. “Did you just call me Marshmallow? Oh, Anon, it’s been ages! How have you been?”

Before I could respond, Grape Juice—who was clearly annoyed—cut in. “Sorry, but I don’t have time for small talk. Nightmare Moon is... Wait, is that a monkey in a suit?”

I blinked, scanning the room like I’d walked into a hidden camera show. Everyone was suddenly obsessed with the word monkey.

“I’m not a monkey, I’m a human!” I protested, but Marshmallow just smirked, clearly enjoying the chaos.

“He’s a Hoo-min, Twilight,” she said smugly. “Maybe you should crack open a book, darling.”

“Actually, it’s pronounced human,” I corrected, barely containing my frustration. But their argument raged on, each pony trying to one-up the other with pointless knowledge and smug remarks.

Looking around for help, Rainbow Dash shrugged like she couldn’t be bothered. Pinkie Pie stared off into space, deep in thought. Applejack was considering using her lasso to lasso the situation.

Desperate for some order, I sidled up to the quiet, timid mare—who I now realized was Fluttershy—and cleared my throat.

“Hey, uh, my name’s Anon. What’s yours?”

“M-m... F... F-f...shy...,” she mumbled, barely audible.

“Huh? Sorry, didn’t catch that. Can you speak up a little?” I asked, cupping my ear.

“M-m... F... F-flutter...shy...,” she repeated, this time slightly louder, though still barely a whisper. I was about to ask her to say it again, but her eyes were already watering, so I decided to roll with it.

“Okay, Flubershy. Mind telling me what’s going on here?” I asked, trying to sound friendly, but failing miserably.

“It’s Fluttershy!” she snapped, her voice now sharp.

I nearly jumped out of my skin. Suddenly, fire flashed in Fluttershy’s eyes, and she turned toward the bickering duo. The other three ponies, sensing the change in the air, subtly backed away from her, inching toward me like they’d rather be anywhere else.

I, however, was left wondering if I’d just accidentally summoned a pony version of a demon.

Fluttershy stood there, staring at Twilight and Rarity, her usual meekness completely gone. For a moment, I thought she might actually yell at them—she was so still, and the tension around her felt thick. But then, she just... sighed.

“I... I can’t... I can’t take it anymore,” she muttered, her voice shaking. She looked down, her hooves fidgeting, as if trying to hold herself together. “You’ve been... yelling for so long... for two hours...”

Twilight and Rarity fell silent, the weight of her words slowly sinking in. Fluttershy glanced up, her face red, and the fire in her eyes quickly started to fade back into the soft, timid pony I knew. She still looked upset, but there was something more exasperated than anything else in her voice now.

“I... I just want it to stop,” she whispered, almost pleading. “Please... can’t we just... talk?”

Twilight and Rarity looked at each other, their earlier arguments fading as they processed what she said. There was a long, uncomfortable pause, and Fluttershy’s shoulders sagged a little, as if she were carrying the weight of the entire argument on her own.

After a few moments, Rarity’s voice broke the silence. “I’m sorry, Twilight... I shouldn’t have been so harsh.”

Twilight nodded, looking guilty. “And I’m sorry too, Rarity. I didn’t mean for it to get this far.”

Fluttershy’s gaze softened, though her cheeks were still flushed with frustration. “Th-thank you,” she murmured, looking relieved. She turned to walk away, the tension leaving her body as she tried to hide her exhaustion behind a small, shy smile.

The tension evaporated, and the two hugged it out like it was nothing. I stood there, baffled. “Damn, that was... fast.”

Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack shuffled over, clearly confused.

“So, what was that about?” Rainbow asked.

Pinkie Pie piped up. “Yeah, you were super mad. It was like... scary.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “That was some serious drama, sugarcube.”

Rarity cleared her throat, suddenly looking very uncomfortable. “Well, um, you see... I overheard Twilight mentioning something about Nightmare Moon, and I, uh, may have accused her of... something.”

The others stared at her. I glanced at them and muttered, “Small world, huh?”

Twilight flushed and looked anywhere but at Rarity. “Yeah, I might’ve... come off a bit ominous when Rarity confronted me. I kind of sounded like I was predicting the apocalypse or something.”

As the room quieted, the tension almost entirely dissolved, except for the confusion on everyone else’s face.

“So, uh, about Nightmare Moon...” Rainbow Dash started, wings twitching. “Anypony know how to stop her?”

Twilight sighed dramatically, her brow furrowing. “We don’t have all the answers yet, but we need to gather more info. Nightmare Moon was beaten once, and it can be done it again.”

Pinkie Pie’s face lit up. “I’ve got it! We throw a giant party and challenge her to a dance battle! Loser gets sent to the moon!”

Applejack shook her head, face deadpan. “Pinkie, that's not gonna work.”

Rainbow Dash smirked, flexing her wings. “What if we just go straight at her? Head-on!”

Fluttershy cleared her throat softly. “Maybe we should talk to her first... see if we can change her mind?”

“Talking? Nah,” I chimed in from the sidelines. “I say we just go full British and brawl her!”

Applejack narrowed her eyes, suspicion creeping in. “Wait a minute... what if you're a spy?”

“Oh, come on! That’s exactly what a spy would say,” I shot back, shrugging. “My plan’s still better than yours.”

Rainbow Dash laughed, clearly enjoying the chaos. “Exactly, I’ve got Anon backing me up. It’s perfect.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “And when she starts throwing magic around, what then?”

“Simple. Use Rainbow as a shield,” I said, leaning back casually.

Applejack froze. “What?”

Rainbow Dash looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “You’re crazy, but hey, I like your style.”

“Enough!” Twilight barked, silencing the chaos. “We need to focus. We’re finding the Elements of Harmony. That’s the key.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Elements of Harmony? Are we really counting on that to beat someone who can literally move the moon?”

“Absolutely,” Twilight said, her voice full of conviction. “They stopped Nightmare Moon once, and they can do it again. We just need to find them.”

Yeah, sure. I was totally convinced.

As the group was engrossed in Twilight's talk about the Elements of Harmony, I saw my chance. Quietly, I made my way to the door like a ninja on a stealth mission. I was almost there when Pinkie Pie's voice pierced the air, sending a jolt of panic through me.

"The Elements of Harmony, a reference guide!" she exclaimed.

I froze. My heart rate spiked, and sweat beaded on my forehead. Of course Pinkie would ruin this. Twilight immediately body-checked Pinkie to snatch the book from her, looking surprised.

"How did you find that?" Twilight asked, genuinely baffled.

"It was under 'E'!" Pinkie sang, bouncing in place.

Twilight just sighed, ears drooping. "Oh."

The book floated up in Twilight's magic, and I saw my opening. While they were distracted by their little book club session, I made a break for it.

But of course, my escape didn’t last long. As I sprinted toward my house, my heart sank. Surrounding it was an angry mob, pitchforks, torches, and all. Flash Trade was standing on a makeshift platform, looking unhinged.

"Anon has taken the princess... and my damn lawn mower," Flash Trade muttered, the last part barely audible. Then, louder: "Now we must take his life!" He gestured dramatically, like a bargain-bin villain.

One mare in the crowd hesitated. "Um, I don't really want to kill him."

"Yeah, can we just burn down his house and, like, arrest him?" another stallion suggested, scratching his head.

"Ugh! Fine, but we’re still going to rough him up!" Flash Trade groaned. The mob cheered like this was some kind of chaotic party, and flames began licking at my house.

Great. Just what I needed.

I turned on my heel and bolted, my brain spinning for refuge. The nearest town? Hours away. Everfree Forest at night? That was suicide.

Then it hit me. The zebra. She was cool, but dragging her into this mess? Nah. Water serpent? He'd never let me sleep, with all his endless rambling.

The abandoned castle. Perfect. No one would think to look there—unless they were particularly dumb, which was definitely a possibility. But the path was treacherous as hell, full of cliffs, creepy animals, and that damn rope bridge. The alternate route was overgrown, but at least it didn’t involve near-death experiences every five minutes.

With grim determination, I sprinted off toward the castle, praying it was far enough to outrun the chaos I'd left in my wake.

Author's Note

Edited 2024/December 10th