Just Save Money the Legal Way, Pinkie, It's Better For You
Ponyville Hospital had seen many interesting patients come and go, stays ranging from only a day or two to months or even years. One such patient was Pinkamena Diane Pie, whose medical records easily outclassed that of a dictionary by sheer page count.
She didn't really mean to be admitted to the hospital that many times. But being a baker, accidents happen, and it just so happened that she was just a tad clumsier than most bakers -- something that didn't really please the Cake couple.
That, and ponies who weren't aware of her or what she did liked to take her there out of an abundance of caution when she performed physical acts that took the rules of physics and biology and ran them over with a steamroller at least a good hundred times.
Today, though, she admitted herself into the hospital, for a medical issue that was quite common for her. And truth be told, she was absolutely bored. What good was she doing shacked up in a hospital? She should be out there in the world, baking sweet treats and throwing awesome parties and making ponies laugh.
As she thought about this, an idea slowly came to her. A way to bring joy without breaking out of the hospital like a madmare. The perfect prank, one that would extend throughout...well, her five close friends, and be brought about by a single mare in a single room of a single building.
Laying in a bed that was beginning to slowly but surely put a strain on her back, she pressed the red button on the side of the bed to call for a nurse.
"Pinkie?" Nurse Redheart peered into the room. "Is everything all right?"
"Yeah!" Pinkie chirped. "But I was wondering if you had a phone I could borrow?"
"Of course, dear. I'll be right back."
As the kindly nurse left, Pinkie began to mentally run through her plan, making sure to iron out any kinks. By the time she finished with her fifth-or-so go-around, the nurse had come back with the phone.
With a world-splitting grin, Pinkie picked up the receiver, hesitated for a few moments as she decided who she would call first, and dialed a number.
"Hiya, Phone Tree! I'd like to make a collect call, please..."
"Hey, Twilight? The phone's ringing."
"Bring it here, Spike."
As Spike began to lug the heavy phone across the floor, Twilight rolled her eyes and caught the machine with her magic, picking up the receiver and holding it up to her ear.
"Hello?"
"Collect call for a Ms. Twilight Sparkle from...ah, let's see...'Pinkie Ihadababyitsagirl'."
"I..." Twilight blinked. "I'm sorry, from who?"
"Pinkie Ihadababyitsagirl?"
Twilight looked at Spike. He simply gave a shrug, unable to hear the other end of the conversation.
Luckily, for how smart she was, the alicorn was able to connect the dots easily. She took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes.
"Could you tell me what 'Pinkie Ihadababyitsagirl' has to say?"
"Oh! Yes, she says that she's at Ponyville Hospital right now."
Twilight's eyebrow raised. "Really? Well then, I'll be on my way there. Thank you."
As Twilight placed the phone back on the receiver, her eyes narrowed as she began to realize what the outcome of this collect call was. It didn't take her long to calculate how many bits she would have to shell out for this latest prank of a pony who...well, at the moment, it would be a far stretch to call her a "friend".
"Uh...Twilight? You're supposed to pay for that call, right?"
"Yes. On my next phone bill." Twilight turned and began marching for the doors. "Spike, mind the castle. I have a stop to make."
The blaring and, frankly, grating ringing of the phone snapped Rarity out of her trance. With a yelp, she let a growl roll around in her throat as she turned off her sewing machine and stomped downstairs, intending to give the pony at the other end of the line a piece of her mind.
Her aura caught the handset and moved it up to her ear. "Carousel...Boutique. How may I help you, darling?"
"Yes, hello, Ms. Rarity? You have a collect call."
"A- a collect call?! From whom is this 'collect call' from?"
"It's from 'Pinkie Ihadababyitsagirl', ma'am."
That made Rarity's anger subside for only a moment as the name clicked into her head. "Pinkie" certainly connected, but that last name...
The last name...
"My apologies, but there must be...some kind of mistake." Rarity grappled hard with her willpower, in order to avoid blowing up at the pony on the other end of the line, because she shouldn't be the target of the fashionista's anger. "That is my friend, Pinkie Pie. Completely different last name."
"Well, you'll be happy to know that she gave birth to a fo-"
"She did no such thing!" Rarity stomped a hoof down. "This is nothing more than a silly little prank! If you receive any more calls from somepony with such a ridiculous last name as that, DON'T ANSWER THEM!!"
With that, the handset slammed down on the receiver.
And then, Rarity let out a string of very unladylike curses.
"Sis? What's a...'cock-a-die-nah?'"
Not realizing her sister was home, Rarity stiffened and covered her mouth with a hoof. Her eyes moved towards the kitchen, where the source of the voice seemed like it came from, while her brain scrambled to devise an excuse that wouldn't leave her sister wondering what kind of word "coccydynia" was.
"I, erm...it's nothing, Sweetie! It's a...t-type of fabric! Yes, yes, a type of fabric. A customer was asking about it for an order. Nothing to worry about!"
"Oh. Okay."
The sigh Rarity had been building up eked out. "I am going out for a little bit. Behave yourself, all right?"
"Mhm."
The anger returned. And the more Rarity trotted along the streets of Ponyville, the angrier and angrier she got.
In all honesty, Fluttershy hadn't been sure why she had decided to get a phone. She interacted with other ponies, but using a phone seemed like a step back from the assertive pony she wanted to be. And when her primary communication was with animals who didn't use such technology, it felt rather worthless to have one.
Still, that salespony had been very convincing...and he gave her the thing for free. How could she say "no" to that?
As she poured the last of the birdseed into one of the feeders that lined a tree outside of her cottage, the phone rang from behind her. She yelped, dropping the bag and flying up into the air until she was buried deep within the brush of the tree.
An inquisitive grunt from Harry the bear, holding a tray with her wooden phone on it, allowed her to poke her head out. "Oh, goodness! It's just the phone." She softly fluttered back down, gave a thank-you to Harry, and picked up the handset. "H-hello?"
"Yes, I have a collect call for Ms. Fluttershy? From 'Pinkie Ihadababyitsagirl'."
"Oh, u-um, I'm very sorry, but...I think you have th-the wrong n-number...sorry!"
Back went the handset onto the retriever.
In went Fluttershy to her cottage with the birdseed in tow.
And only a few minutes later, as she was getting food for Angel...
"Wait, Pinkie gave birth to a baby?"
"Sis! Phone! Granny Smith says it's for you!"
Applejack paused in her chores to remove herself from the henhouse, a basket of eggs in her mouth. Setting them down, she spotted Apple Bloom waving to her from the barn. "Comin'!" she called, grabbing the basket and rushing over.
After placing the basket on the kitchen counter, she made her way to the living room. "Granny, who is it?"
"Not too sure...says it's a collect call."
Applejack suppressed a groan. "A collect call? We've been gettin' one too many 'f those lately..." She moved to pick up the phone. "Howdy."
"Yes, is this Ms. Applejack?"
"Speakin'. How can I help ya?"
"I have a collect call for you from 'Pinkie Ihadababyitsagirl'."
Slowly, Applejack's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. She began sputtering in a way only boat engines could achieve, trying to piece together her friend's first name and the startling revelation that she was not only pregnant, but had given birth to a baby.
But Applejack wasn't stupid.
...Okay, sometimes she was stupid. But most of the time, she wasn't stupid.
She knew that Pinkie wasn't pregnant. The times she had seen the mare with a distended belly, it was from eating far too many sweets for her stomach to handle, not because a baby was growing inside of her. And besides, if she really was pregnant, all of Ponyville would have heard about it by end of day. Applejack hadn't heard anyone talking about Pinkie being pregnant.
So, she came to the only logical conclusion.
"Ma'am, you're aware Pinkie's playin' a prank on ya?"
"Oh, yes, I'm well aware. But this job doesn't pay much and I really need the bits."
A headache began to form behind Applejack's skull. "I see. Well, can ya tell me where th' call's comin' from?"
"Yes. Ponyville Hospital."
"Thank you. Take care, now."
"Sis, who was that?" Apple Bloom asked, taking the receiver from Applejack and putting it back on the nightstand in the corner of the room.
"Aw, don't you worry none. It's just Pinkie up t' her usual tricks." Applejack stretched her body out and headed for the door. "I'm gonna go finish up my chores, then head to th' hospital."
"Th' hospital?!" Granny's eyes flew wide open, having been closed moments before. "Why're ya goin' there?"
"Pinkie shenanigans. I'm gonna set her straight."
Before Granny could remark anything further, Applejack was on her way to the fields to finish up. A small nagging feeling in the back of her mind told her to call the rest of her friends up and tell them to meet her at the hospital, but another nagging feeling told her that Pinkie had probably already called, and perhaps successfully pranked, them all.
"And the service is amazing! I mean, I didn't think Cloudsdale would even get service! I thought I had to go down to the ground to call somepony, which would've been such a drag. Hey, hey, can I carry this thing through the air when I fly?"
"No you can't, ma'am. It's a landline phone. Has to stay plugged into the wall at all times."
"Okay, so why not make a portable phone? One I can take with me everywhere I go?"
"We'll take it into consideration."
"Really? Awesome! Thanks!"
"Yeah, yeah, don't mention it. Now, do you have a problem with your device or your service?"
"Nope. Just wanted to tell you guys how amazing this thing is!"
"...Uh-huh. Well, the next time you want to lodge praise instead of a complaint, press 9."
"I...there's an option for 9?"
"You didn't listen to the options all the way through, did you?"
"Yeah I did!"
"No you didn't."
"No I didn't."
A pause.
"Anyway, I'm gonna go. Have a good day, ma'am."
"You too, thanks! Bye!"
Dropping the handset back onto the receiver, Dash sighed happily and reclined further into her cloud couch. Ever since she had gotten her phone, she had made call after call. It just felt so good to have a device that would let her stay in touch with ponies, given to her for free, that she could use...for free. It made "Nothing in life is free" a phrase made up by the cynical ponies who never experienced getting anything free in their lives.
The phone rang again. Dash scooped the handset up with swift movements of her dexterous wing. "Hey, Dash speaking!"
"Hello. Am I correct in assuming this is Ms. Rainbow Dash?"
"That's me!"
"You have a collect call."
To Dash, a collect call held about as much weight as "do this one thing and get a reward for it". In her mind, a collect call was like a mission, where she had to call somepony and she would get bits for it. It was certainly easier than being a Wonderbolt -- not that she had given up on that dream, of course, but hey, it was making money in the least amount of effort possible.
"Cool! So who's it from?"
"'Pinkie Ihadababyitsagirl."
Dash blinked. Tried to process the name in her head. Began to snicker.
"Ms. Dash?"
The snicker turned into uproarious laughter. Mainly from the way the mare on the other end of the line pronounced "itsa" as "eet-zah".
"Ma'am? Will you accept this call?"
Dash was too busy laughing to answer her.
After about ten minutes, the droning of a phone off the hook and Dash's desperate attempts to fill her lungs with air in between chortles were the only sounds filling the room.
With her pranks carried out -- or at least as far as she could carry them out -- Pinkie placed the handset back onto the receiver, just as Nurse Redheart entered the room.
"Pinkie? Are you done using the phone?"
"Yupparoonie! You can take it back now. Thanks!"
Redheart began to push the cart towards the door. "Oh, yes! I almost forgot. You have a visitor."
This brought a smile to Pinkie's face, of both the mischievous kind and of the "oh joy, a visitor!" kind. "Great! Send them in, please!"
"Will do."
Pinkie only slightly began to regret her decision when she saw the face of the pony who had come to visit her. Beet-red, smoke flaring out of her nostrils, and looking like she was ready to snap necks and spit on graves. Which she probably would do, if the hospital didn't have a "no aggressive behavior" policy.
The pink pony shifted in bed. "Hiya, Twilight! What brings you here? Ooh, do you have a cake? Please tell me you have a cake! I've been dying for a cake! Well, not really, Nurse Redheart told me I wasn't dying, but I really really reeeeeeeally want some cake!"
"Pinkamena Diane Piiiiiie!" Twilight used her magic to slam the door, which made a few patients and doctors alike turn to look, unbeknownst to her. "You are in so much trouble!"
"I am? For what?"
"You placed a collect call to my castle, not by your official last name, but as..." Twilight sputtered. "'Ihadababyitsagirl'!"
"Yeah! She's in the nursery now. She's got my curly mane! Oh, I can't wait for you to see her! She-"
"You don't have a baby! You weren't even pregnant!" Twilight ground her teeth together. "How dare you make me pay for a call you made in the name of some stupid prank! You had me worried!"
"Why? If I'm not having a baby then there's-"
"Not only that, you had the innocent mare who you called worried too! And..." Twilight gave a mighty scoff. "That's not even getting into the illegality of your actions!"
"The what?"
"You could be thrown into a dungeon, Pinkie! You-"
The door slammed open, and in marched Rarity. "Pinkie Pie, you have some explaining to do!"
"Hiya, Rarity!" Pinkie gave an innocent wave, coupled with an equally-innocent smile. "Do you wanna see my baby? She's in the nursery!"
"I know you weren't pregnant, Pinkie. Anypony could have seen that, even if they weren't as...close as you and I."
A frown settled on the party pony's maw. "Oh." And then, a smile as she pointed at Rarity. "But you fell for it!"
"Yes, I did. And it's going to cost me..." Rarity shuddered. "Oh, I don't even want to think about the price, let alone the bill itself! And that poor mare I yelled at...dear me, I really should apologize."
"Aww, don't do that! Phone Tree knew what was up. She was cool with it!"
Rarity narrowed her eyes. "I find that quite hard to believe."
"Not only that, what Pinkie did was illegal." Twilight pointed out to her fashionista friend. "You can't place a collect call under a false name to a receiver. It's cheating them out of money, and it's cheating the phone company."
"So you can reverse the charge?"
"I...can try. But no guarantees. Even I have to pay a phone bill every month."
Rarity sighed. "Well, do try. I certainly don't want you abusing your status as a princess, but I also don't wish to pay an exorbitantly large fee for such nonsense, either."
"Heeeeey! Can somepony get me some cake? A lollipop? Any sweet?!"
Both mares ignored the cry for cuisine. The sound of galloping was something they didn't ignore, though, and sure enough, in burst Applejack.
"Pinkie? What the hay is goin' on? You pullin' another prank?"
Pinkie merely giggled. "You just answered your own question, silly!"
A hoof to the forehead stopped a headache from forming. "You're lucky I only had a few chores left t' do on th' farm. But that ain't what's buggin' me." Applejack took a few steps forward, Rarity and Twilight parting ways to let her by. "Chargin' me for a prank call's a new low for ya, ain't it?"
"W-well...for what it's worth, Phone Tree was totally in on it! And the fee isn't that much...or at least I hope not..."
Extending a hoof out to Pinkie, Applejack's frown grew ever tighter. "Pay up, Pie."
"Huh?"
"If ya got th' gall t' charge me hard-earned bits for a stupid prank call, then ya got th' gall to pay me those bits."
Pinkie's eyes widened. "But I-I don't know how much a collect call costs!"
"I don't either. So let's make it...ten bits." Applejack's eyes narrowed in contrast as she jabbed a hoof at Twilight and Rarity. "T' each of us."
Twilight exchanged a glance with Rarity, who opened her mouth to protest but ultimately said nothing, deciding this was a fitting punishment for Pinkie's crime.
"And...what if the charge isn't ten bits?" Pinkie tentatively asked.
"Then we'll deduct bits from th' cost and pay ya back accordingly."
As charismatic and persuasive as Pinkie was, the party pony figured out right quick that there was no worming her way out of Applejack's offer. She had seen her actions as nothing more than harmless pranks -- surely, each of her friends was well-off enough to where they could spare a few bits for a collect call. But the more she thought about it, the more her conscience told her that what she had done wasn't really a good idea...
So, in one last-ditch effort to get back on her own four hooves, she opted to provide a little backstory.
"Uh, h-hey! Don't you wanna know why I did what I did? 'Cause I'll tell ya!" Pinkie gave an awkward grin. "Okay, so you know how there's that ad that's screened before movies at some theaters? The one where the stallion tries to call his parents about his wife giving birth but he makes it a collect call and gives them a false name and then the operator..." She coughed. "The operator redirects him to this random couple who don't know who's calling them and they tell her she has the wrong number?"
Twilight's expression turned from confused to annoyed.
"It's a Pondela effect! I remember seeing it a lot when I was a filly, on the rare occasions when my family would actually stop farming to go to the movies. Usually on my birthday...usually only on my birthday." Pinkie pressed her front hooves together. "Everypony has seen it, but nopony knows what it's for!"
"It's for an insurance company, darling. Everypony knows that."
Pinkie blinked a few times. Stammered. Tried to make the brain connect to the mouth. "W-well...did you know that, um...w-words really can hurt you?!" She laughed. "Seriously, I got attacked by bees the other day and I ran right into a freshly-painted sign! Ha, that stallion was not happy with me..."
"Pinkie, this isn't a joking matter!" Twilight snapped. "Would you please take this seriously?!"
"But I am! I'm explaining why I did what I did!"
"And it's a flimsy excuse!" Air blew out of Twilight's nostrils again. "I agree with Applejack. Maybe you won't get thrown in jail, but the least you could do is pay me, her, Rarity, and everypony else you pranked the bit amount that will show up on our bills!"
"U-um...I agree with Twilight."
The four mares yelped in surprise, Applejack, Rarity and Twilight turning around to find Fluttershy standing behind them. How Pinkie had never noticed the shy butter-yellow Pegasus even though she was looking right at the door to her room was an utter mystery, but she personally chalked it up to Fluttershy somehow mastering the art of the "stealth greeting".
Fluttershy stepped forward. "I would...I would like ten bits too, please. That phone s-scared me!" Her eyes widened. "Y-you didn't have a baby, did you?"
As much as Pinkie wanted to say yes, even she had her limits in her pranking, and one of those limits was stringing along a pony like Fluttershy. She folded her ears down and looked at her pitifully. "No. I wasn't pregnant, either."
Fluttershy exhaled. "Thank goodness!" She blinked. "So why are you in the hospital, then?"
"Yeah..." Applejack narrowed her eyes. "Why are ya in the hospital?"
"I ate too many sweets and got a bad tummyache. Happens more often than you'd think!"
Rarity simply rolled her eyes in a moment of silent snark.
"The doctors said I have to rest here for another day, just to make sure. But I can't make everypony smile if I'm rotting in bed!" Pinkie threw her hooves into the air. "So I decided to pull a really funny prank on all of you. At first I wanted to prank all of Ponyville, but I knew the doctors wouldn't really like that. And I don't have enough bits to pay everypony!" She gave a shrug. "I thought you guys would take it in stride...I guess not, huh?"
As if on cue, the sound of laughing reached the pink pony's ears. She raised them and swiveled them towards the door, where Rainbow Dash walked in wiping stray tears from her eyes.
"Pinkie...that...was the best prank...ever!" Dash snickered, closing the door behind her. "I mean, the 'Wehadababyitsacolt' Pondela effect?! I should have thought of that!"
Her reaction was predictable, but it made Pinkie smile all the same, her sadness going away some. "Well I'm glad somepony liked it!" She raised a tentative hoof. "I don't have to pay you ten bits, do I?"
"Yes." came the sharp retort of Twilight, before Rainbow could even utter a single word in response. "Even her."
"Aww..."
A final wheeze from Dash made her calm down, at least for the moment, as she looked up. Pinkie could see that her eyes were bloodshot, no doubt from shedding enough tears as the result of her laughing. "Nah, don't..." A cough. "Don't worry about it, Pinks. Ya don't have to pay me."
Twilight whirled her head around, fixing her intense gaze on the speedy Pegasus. "She does, and she will. She committed a felony, Rainbow. She's lucky she didn't carry out her initial intent to prank the whole of Ponyville!"
"Wait. You were gonna prank everypony in Ponyville?"
"Sure was!"
Dash blinked. Stamped an angry hoof on the ground. "Aww, talk about a missed opportunity! Oh well, I guess I'll have to take up the ma-"
"Rainbow Dash! Did you not hear me when I said Pinkie Pie committed a crime?!"
A pause. "...Wait. What?"
"Making a false collect call with the intent of the receiving party paying for it is illegal. With possible jail time on the line." Twilight explained. "But I chose to forgo a letter to Princess Celestia in favor of having Pinkie pay all of us ten bits each."
"Ten bits?" Dash began to hover in midair, in order to allow for easy calculating on hooves. She muttered to herself as she tried to do basic math, and it took her a good half-minute before she came up with a total. "That's...fifty bits in all!"
"Relax, Dashie. I can pay it." Pinkie tapped her chin. "Well, not right now, of course, 'cause I'm stuck in the hospital. But when I get out, I'll pay all of you girls. Pinkie Promise! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!"
Rarity's eyes only slightly narrowed. "We will hold you to that, darling."
Twilight, Applejack and Fluttershy nodded in agreement.
Silence fell over the room for a few moments. Pinkie bit her lip as her gaze drifted to the white sheet she was covered in. "I'm...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pranked you like that. It's just, I thought it would be harmless, and- and I didn't know collect calls cost money!"
Applejack tilted her head. "Uh, how exactly did ya think collect calls worked?"
"You call somepony, and then you get a random amount of bits sent to you! Get it? 'Cause it's a collect call!"
Exasperated that Pinkie clearly hadn't been getting the whole of what Twilight had been saying, Rarity sighed and stepped up to the plate. "Allow me to explain, Pinkie." she said. "A collect call is when you call somepony and they pay for the call. They get charged per minute, and the charge shows up on the monthly bill when they receive it."
Now it clicked. "Ohhhhh..." Pinkie's eyes widened. "Oh. Oh gosh!" Hooves clasped a pair of cheeks. "I- I didn't mean to make you guys pay for the call! I thought I would pay for all of them! No, wait, the Cakes!" She stopped. "Wait...I'm confused."
"Uh, don't th' Cakes pay for th' bill?"
The question took a minute to settle in for Pinkie. "Ohhh! Oh yeah, they do!" She giggled. "Now I get it." Then, her expression grew serious. "But I really am sorry, everypony. I just wanted to spread joy and cheer, even when I was bedridden. And...I guess pranking all of you wasn't the way to go about it."
"Don't worry, Pinkie." Fluttershy smiled. "We're sure you didn't mean any harm by it. Even if it was illegal."
Pinkie was grateful for Fluttershy's kindness, and nodded eagerly. "Yeah! I promise to never do anything like that again. Especially now that I know it's against the law!"
Applejack turned and began to head for the door. "Well, since everythin' seems t' be fine here, I'm gonna head back t' th' farm."
"And I am going to head back to the boutique." Rarity said, following her. "I have an order I must fill for a very...irritating client."
Twilight, Rainbow and Fluttershy, not in much of a hurry to get anywhere, waved their friends off (and gave Rarity their wishes of good luck) as they slipped out of the room and closed the door.
Before anyone else could speak, the sound of a stomach gurgling filled the room. Naturally, gazes moved to Pinkie, sans one. "Ugh, I'm starving. I'm gonna go see if there's anything that's actually edible in the cafeteria."
And then there were two. A book-smart alicorn who was willing to skirt the rules to keep her friend from rotting away in prison, and a friend to all living things whose expression showed she had something on her mind.
"Um...Twilight? Since you know about law, and all of that...I just wanna make sure..." Fluttershy twiddled her hooves together. "I-it's not illegal to not have a phone...is it?"
Twilight's brow furrowed. "What? No, it's not. Nopony in Equestria is mandated to have a phone."
Fluttershy breathed a sigh of relief.
"Why? Do you not want one?"
For a minute, Fluttershy stammered. And then she sighed. "No. I-I just don't think I really need one. It scares the animals...a-and when Pinkie called, it scared me too..."
"So when the salespony was giving them out to everypony in Ponyville, why did you take one?"
"It was free. I couldn't turn down something that was free! I didn't want to seem rude..."
Twilight bit back a groan. "Well, you can give it to me, if you want. I'm sure the castle could use another phone, with how big it is."
"Really?" Fluttershy's eyes gained small sparkles within them. "Oh, thank you so much, Twilight!"
"Don't mention it." Twilight glanced at Pinkie. "Pinkie? We're going to head to Fluttershy's house so we can get her phone. Get better soon."
"Okey-dokey! Have fun!"
As Twilight and Fluttershy left the room, Pinkie suddenly found herself alone. She knew Rainbow was still in the hospital, and of course she wouldn't leave without giving a proper goodbye, but Pinkie had never really liked being alone for long periods of time. It didn't help that there wasn't another patient sharing the room with her that she could talk to.
It felt like hours before Rainbow rushed into her room with snacks clutched tightly to her chest. "Hey, Pinkie. Bought something for ya." She hovered over to the nightstand and put down a large chocolate chip cookie, a cupcake, a small carton of chocolate milk, and a salad. "I didn't know if you were hungry or not, but I thought, since you pulled that awesome prank on me, I should pay you back."
"Aww, thank you, Dashie!" Pinkie picked up the cupcake and eyed it. Pure chocolate, right down to the brown sprinkles. "I'm always hungry for a cupcake or two!"
"Heh. I thought so." Rainbow turned. "I'm headin' back to Cloudsdale. Call me if you need anything, 'kay?"
"'Kay! See ya soon!"
Now Pinkie was truly alone. But she didn't feel as crushed as she had been before. Not with the delicious cupcake being cradled in her hooves.
She stared at it for a minute longer, then happily got to work eating it.
Two days later, Pinkie was discharged, just as expected. She expected to be let off with a warning in her aftercare instruction packet, but figured the doctors were tired of putting up with her antics and just didn't have the heart to bother anymore.
As overjoyed as she was to be free from her confines, though, a horrible thought came to her.
She still needed to pay her friends the bits they were owed.
Not from the till at Sugarcube Corner, of course. Pinkie at least had the sense to know that was illegal, and even if it wasn't, it was just wrong from a moral standpoint. No, she had to go to the bank, like everypony else, and take out fifty bits.
...No, wait. Make that sixty. She figured Phone Tree should be given due compensation for her being in on the whole thing. It was only right. (She didn't know Ponyville Hospital placed call charges on uninsured patients' bills for each call made. Mainly because, thanks to her job, she had insurance and didn't really have to worry about that kind of stuff.)
Luckily, the bank was largely free of customers, meaning Pinkie was in and out with no problem. With that matter settled, plus a letter on the way to Equestria Communications with ten bits inside, she began making her way towards Rarity's boutique, the closest of her friends' homes in proximity with the bank.
As she approached the front door and knocked thrice, she couldn't escape the nagging feeling that none of her friends were so keen on accepting her apology. Fluttershy had, but that was about it. Tension had mostly died down from when she and the others had visited, but Pinkie could tell everyone was still pretty steamed. She hoped making good on her Pinkie Promise would smooth things over.
The door opened, revealing a rather ragged-looking Rarity at the front door who looked embarrassed for a split-second before her body relaxed. "Ah, Pinkie Pie. It's just you. Thank Celestia." She toyed with her mane. "It certainly wouldn't be a good look if somepony else decided to come in and see me like this."
"Hi, Rarity!" Pinkie reached behind her and pulled out a small pouch. "I brought you your ten bits."
"Ten bits- oh!" Rarity nodded. "Yes, yes, the ten bits, of course. Thank you very much." Her eyes widened in realization. "Ah, but, um...I did inquire with Twilight about how much collect calls cost through Equestria Communications, and as it turns out, it's actually four bits for local. So you may have six bits back."
Pinkie took a minute to process this news, her brain getting stuck on what, exactly, "local" entailed. She assumed it meant the town of Ponyville, but she didn't know what cities like Canterlot and Manehattan fell under. Still, that was the least of her worries compared to what Rarity was doing. "No! I-I insist! Take the ten bits!"
"Miss Pie, I do appreciate your rather generous offer, but I'm afraid I-"
"Take the bits, Rarity."
The serious tone of voice Pinkie adopted scared the alabaster unicorn ever so slightly, and it took her a minute to find her voice. "I...a- all right, then. Thank you."
With a complete 180-degree emotional turn: "You're welcome! See ya later!"
Watching Pinkie bounce away, Rarity was left standing with a pouch of ten bits and utter confusion as to what had just transpired. She wasn't sure how long she stayed like that before a reminder was pushed forward by her brain to continue her work, and so she closed the door and went back upstairs.
Pinkie's next stop was Twilight's castle, if only because she wanted to confirm whether what Rarity was saying was true or not. She didn't doubt the mare all too much, but she wanted all of her friends to take every last bit in the pouches that the bank had so generously provided her.
Giving a confident exhale, she knocked on the doors thrice, and waited. While she did that, she reached behind her and pulled out a pouch full of ten bits exactly.
To her surprise, it was Spike who came to the door. "Oh. Hey, Pinkie. What brings you here?"
"Hi, Spike!" Pinkie extended her hoof out to him, the pouch resting neatly on it. "Could you give this to Twilight, please?"
Spike took the pouch. "Sure! But, uh...what is it?"
"It's the money I owe her for the prank I pulled on her."
"Ohhh, you mean the Pondela effect thing."
"Yeah." Pinkie tried to peek inside. "She's not still mad, is she?"
"She was upset when she came back from the hospital. Started venting to me about whether making you pay ten bits to everypony was really the right thing to do instead of writing a letter to Princess Celestia."
That made Pinkie tense up. Her bottom jaw went rigid.
"I told her Celestia would probably let you off easy...but you know Twilight. Fretting about you being locked away in a dungeon, or being sent to the moon, or..." Spike's eyes went half-lidded. "Well, you get the idea."
Pinkie sat on this for a moment, then slowly nodded. "The more I think about it...the more I think you might be right. I'm gonna write a letter to Celestia as soon as I get home!"
"You want me to send it for you?"
"Nah, it's okay. I'll just bring it to the post office!"
Spike eyed the pouch in his claws.
"Oh! And tell Twilight that she should keep all ten bits." Pinkie went nose-to-nose with the young drake, her eyes narrowing. "Tell her I'll know if she comes by Sugarcube Corner and returns four bits."
"I...o...kay?" Spike blinked. "But Twilight said local collect calls only cost fo-"
"Every. Last. Bit."
Spike opened his mouth to protest again, but quickly closed it, settling for a nod that took Pinkie's head with it in a similar nodding motion.
"Great! I'm off to Fluttershy's! See ya later!" Pinkie called, bouncing away and whistling a merry tune like her past show of aggression never even happened. She didn't bother to look back to see what Spike was doing, instead continuing on her way to the next of her friends' homes.
By the time Pinkie could see Fluttershy's cottage on the horizon, her whistling had ceased and her gait had been slowed to a brisk trot. She didn't want to disturb any of the other animals, after all, and if the butter-yellow Pegasus got startled by something as simple as the ringing of a phone, she didn't want to know what happened when she got scared by several pounds of happiness-injected pink party pony.
She repeated the process again. Knock thrice, take out a pouch, and wait.
Angel was the one to open the door, fixing Pinkie with an inquisitive expression.
"Hi, Angel!" Pinkie placed the pouch in front of him. "That's for Fluttershy. Could you take it to her, please? And tell her to keep every last bit inside of it! No take-backsies!"
To no one's surprise, even Pinkie's, Angel began angrily chattering. It didn't take a party cannon scientist to know that he was upset about Pinkie pranking Fluttershy and scaring her. Maybe he hadn't gotten word of her declaration of forgiveness at the hospital. Or he was just being his usual self. Pinkie couldn't tell.
"L-look, if it's about the prank call, I Pinkie-Promise I won't do it again! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!"
Even that didn't do anything. Angel wasn't listening. Now he was hopping up and down and thrusting his front paw at Pinkie.
"Uh..." Pinkie looked behind her, just to make sure any of Fluttershy's other animals weren't ganging up behind her in a mob, or at the very least, sharing the same reaction. "I-I'm gonna go! Tell Fluttershy thanks and that I'll see her later! Bye!"
This time, she took off as fast as her hooves would take her, the sound of Angel's chittering growing fainter and fainter by the second.
The door closed.
"Angel? What's going on? Ohh, you haven't been scaring Pinkie again, have you? I told you she was forgiven!"
Before making her way to Cloudsdale, Pinkie decided to stop at her final land-bound destination. Sweet Apple Acres was bustling as usual, with Applejack and her family all hard at work in the fields.
...Well, no, that was a lie. Applejack was taking a well-earned break. Pinkie attributed that to either luck or good timing. Mostly good timing.
"Hiii, Applejaaaack!" she called, galloping up to where the farmpony was sipping from a cup of cider. "What's up?"
Applejack looked up. "Howdy there, Pinkie. Just takin' a short break before I get back t' buckin' th' trees."
It took a lot of willpower for Pinkie to resist making a crack about how it was unlike Applejack to take breaks. She knew that after the disaster that was Applebuck Season, Applejack had resolved to listen to her body and take breaks when she needed it. Clearly, this was one of those times.
Instead, she took out a pouch and handed it to her friend. "Here! I brought you your ten bits. And before you say anything..." She placed the pouch onto the ground and raised her hoof. "I know how much collect calls cost, and I want you to keep all ten bits. No returns!"
Taking another sip of cider, Applejack eyed the pouch. "Why, that's mighty generous of ya, Pinkie. Thanks a lot."
Now that was surprising. Pinkie had expected Applejack to put up more of a fight. But it seemed she wasn't up for that at the moment. Maybe the cider was keeping her mood steady. Either way, Pinkie wasn't going to argue. "You're most welcome!" She turned. "I'm off to Dashie's. See you later!"
It wasn't until she crossed into the center of Ponyville that it began to dawn on her why, exactly, Applejack was so keen on accepting all ten bits.
A farm generated a large amount of revenue from selling crops. But being gifted money from friends, especially money that wasn't meant to be paid back, certainly wasn't that bad of a boost.
All the way back to Sugarcube Corner, she mentally slapped herself for being so foolish.
Using good old-fashioned balloonacy, Pinkie made her way to Rainbow's home. Knocked thrice. Took out her final pouch. Waited.
The door opened. Pinkie half-expected Scootaloo or someone else to show up. But no, it was Rainbow Dash, in the flesh.
"Pinkie!" The Pegasus's face lit up. "Hey! What's up?"
"Hey, Dashie! I brought you the ten bits I owe you. Twilight said collect calls cost four bits, but I want you to have all ten of them!"
"Whoa, seriously?" Rainbow took the pouch from her friend's hoof, opening it and counting the bits inside. "Cool! Thanks!"
"No prob!"
A grin threatened to break Rainbow's face. "By the way, I've been coming up with a super-amazing prank involving your Pondela effect!" she said. "You probably didn't know this, but they re-ran that 'Wehadababyitsacolt' ad a few years ago, and they added an ending! An ending!"
Pinkie's eyes widened, and she opened her mouth to ask what the ending was, but common sense stomped any feelings of curiosity into the ground and her frown grew tighter. "That's great! But, uh, I don't think you...we...should be doing pranks with that Pondela effect anymore."
"Why? It can totally be done legally, if that's what you're worried about. I'll look up all the laws about collect calling. We'll be in the clear!"
"I...well..." Pinkie ran a hoof through the cloud ground. "I-It's better to be safe than sorry, I think."
Rainbow stared at her. Scoffed. Rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me you got soft when you were in the hospital."
"No! Of course I didn't! It's just that...I don't want anypony else to be hurt."
"I just told you, we can do it legally. So we won't get in trouble!"
"I don't care if it can be done legally!" Pinkie squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't want any part of it. Sorry."
The silence that filled the air was deafening. Though Pinkie had her eyes shut, she could feel Rainbow's disappointed expression burning into her, and it stung.
"Well...that's okay. Party of one, am I right? Hehe..." Rainbow took a step back. "Look, don't worry about it! I'm cool with doing it on my own. Friends don't pressure friends into doing stuff they don't wanna do."
One after the other, Pinkie's eyes popped open. She gazed at Dash with nothing but fear and sadness in her eyes. "Yeah. Thanks." She turned around. "I'll...see you later."
She didn't bother to look back to see Rainbow's reaction. As much as she tried to tell herself that if Rainbow wanted to try her hoof at the prank again that she could do so and eventually face the music on her own, it felt wrong to deny her friend a chance to pull what probably would be a good, near-harmless prank.
Still, there would be other pranks to pull. Ones that other ponies could enjoy and ones that wouldn't land them and her in hot water with the law.
And besides, if she was writing a letter to Celestia...yes, it was the right thing to do. She was sure of it.
Dear Princess Celestia,
As you know, I love spreading happiness and cheer to everypony, especially to my friends. When I was staying in the Ponyville Hospital, I got an idea on how I could do that while I was cooped up in bed: prank-call them with the "Wehadababyitsacolt" Pondela effect! They love my pranks, after all, so surely they'll love what I cooked up, right?
Wrong! Almost none of my friends were happy to receive my calls. And not only that, but collect-calling somepony using a fake last name is apparently illegal! I didn't know that! So as punishment, Twilight made me pay ten bits to everypony. Well, it was really six bits, 'cause "local" collect calls are four bits, whatever that means, but I told everypony to keep the ten bits they were given anyway, as an apology on top of an apology, because I apologized at the hospital too, but Twilight in particular didn't seem too happy even afterwards, so I thought making it up to her by delivering on my Pinkie Promise would cheer her up! And, well...I don't think it worked. (Wowee, that's a lot of commas!)
Anyway, I'm writing this letter because I want to own up to my actions, even if that means getting banished from Equestria or thrown into a dungeon somewhere. I'm really, really sorry for what I did, and now that I know it's against the law, I definitely won't be trying anything like that again! Rest assured, I've learned my lesson. Next time I go to the hospital, I'll be sure to find a different way of making my friends happy!
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and I'll accept whatever punishment you give me. Please write back ASAP!
With love,
Pinkie Pie
P.S.: Rainbow Dash wants to pull off a similar prank to mine. Something involving an ending of the "Wehadababyitsagirl" Pondela effect. I told her I didn't want to do it, but I thought I should let you know anyway because if you ask me...she doesn't understand that what she's gonna do is against the law.
Dear Pinkie Pie,
Thank you for your letter. It is most appreciated.
I am glad to hear you have owned up to your mistake, even if I am unaware of what, exactly, the "wehadababyitsacolt" Pondela effect is...let alone what a Pondela effect is. After some discussion, I have determined that gifting your friends the bits they will be charged on their phone bills (plus a little extra) is punishment enough, and as such, you will face no further consequences. Before pulling pranks, however, please read up on Equestrian laws and become familiar with them. I am quite sure that Twilight has an updated book on what laws are currently active in her castle library.
You had good intentions, and I am proud of you for informing me of what you have done. In the future, however, might I suggest recuperating during any future hospital stays and simply bringing your friends joy when they come to visit? I am sure that they certainly appreciate seeing you as you get better.
As for Twilight's...grudge, you may inform her of my ruling. Perhaps if she hears that you are not to be banished from Equestria, she will calm down.
And as for Rainbow Dash, I will take immediate action and stop her before she can carry the prank out. Thank you for informing me on such quick notice. You may tell Twilight that I do not plan on throwing Rainbow into a dungeon or banishing her from Equestria, either, as I will decide on a suitable punishment for her.
Again, thank you for writing to me. Keep on spreading cheer to everypony you meet, whether that is through parties, sweets, or harmless (and legal!) pranks.
From,
Princess Celestia
P.S.: Luna has just informed me of what a "Pondela effect" is. Quite interesting. In your next letter, please tell me all that you know of the phenomenon. Luna simply knows of the term and its definition, so I would certainly like to surprise her.
"Yeah, yeah, last name is 'Wehadababyitsacoltsevenpoundsfiveouncesmothersdoingfine'."
...
"Hey, that's my son you're talking about!"
A knock at the door.
"Ms. Rainbow Dash? Open up."
Startled, Rainbow dropped the handle of the phone, her breath catching in her throat. The voices sounded low and ominous, and there were very few ponies she knew whose voices were low and ominous.
It didn't help that the sound that filled the room was that of a droning dial tone, adding to the dread she was feeling.
She landed on the ground and took cautious hoofsteps towards the door, her heart racing as she fretted over whether she had gotten caught or not. If she did, she had a pretty good idea of which pony ratted her out -- and boy oh boy, was she going to have a few choice words with her later on.
The cloud door opened, with a creaking sound that Rainbow didn't think could come from a cloud door. Standing in front of her were two Pegasus royal guards, clad in armor and fixing her with serious glares.
"Ms. Dash, by order of Princess Celestia, your phone is to be confiscated, effective immediately."
Rainbow blinked. She had been about ready to throw her front legs out and await the cold feeling of cuffs to wrap around them, but hearing that the guards simply wanted her phone was...
Was...
Well, no, actually. If she thought about it, it was almost like a worse punishment. How could she prank ponies now? She'd have to go old-school again! She couldn't go old-school again!
Still, the key word was "almost". Even she had enough common sense to know that going to jail was worse than simply not having a phone anymore. Besides, she traveled faster than calls traveled across phone lines...or however that worked. Who knew. She had zoned out when Twilight explained it to her.
"All right." She flitted back to where the handle of the device was still on the ground, placing it on the receiver before disconnecting everything and handing it to the guards. "Here."
"Thank you." the stallion on the right said. "The Princess would also like for you to read on the laws of Equestria, in order to prevent any future offenses."
"Sure, sure, whatever. Just take the phone and go."
The stallions exchanged glances. "Very well. Have a good day, Ms. Dash." the stallion on the left said, before they closed the door and began flying away.
A sense of rage began building up inside her, scrubbing away the sadness that still clutched her chest.
"PINKIE PIIIIIIIE!!"
