Somehow, I Committed Tax Evasion
HOW DO YOU PAY TAXES ON THE MOON???
Nightmare Moon had recently come back from her banishment on the moon. Standing on the balcony in the town hall building, she did the all-too-famous speech of hers.
“…Did you not see the signs?” She asked the crowd of ponies below her.
Suddenly the door opened with a resounding BANG, and several teams of agents ran into the building.
“FREEZE, BY ORDER OF THE EQUESTRIAN TAX ADMINISTRATION!” They yelled up at Nightmare Moon, who had stopped her speech. “YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR TAX EVASION!”
Before Nightmare Moon could even say a word, she had a magic restrictor placed on her horn, and her legs hoof-cuffed together. A team of ETA agents wrestled her down to the ground as ponies began to gather near the balcony.
“What is the meaning of this?” Nightmare Moon asked, panicking. “I have committed no such crime! I demand you release me at once!”
“No can do, Nightmare Moon,” one of the agents said. “You’re going in the lockup until we can figure out a trial.”
The agent informed her of her rights, and she was escorted to the police carriage, as onlookers took photos and gawked at the sight.
The door of the jail cell slammed loudly, shutting Nightmare Moon in. One of the prisoners across the hallway noticed her and started small talk.
“Hey you over there, what’d you do?”
Nightmare Moon looked up. “Apparently I committed tax evasion, for a thousand years.”
“Interesting, I’m here for mass murder,” he said back
Nightmare Moon’s muzzle contorted into a look of disgust, and she turned away from the cell door.
“I believe I’m innocent, and shouldn’t be here,” she thought. “On the other hand, I would have sentenced that other prisoner to death for his heinous crimes!”
Nightmare Moon walked into the small room. It contained a phone booth and a small chair. A guard walked next to her, making sure she wouldn’t try anything funny.
Nightmare Moon picked up the phone and dialed the number of the only lawyer she knew would be able to get her out of this situation.
“This is Saul Goodman, attorney at law speaking, how can I help you today?”
“Well, I’ve been indicted for tax evasion, and I think I didn’t do it. Can you help me get out of this?” Nightmare Moon said.
“Yeah that’s totally possible. Say, do you happen to know if we could meet before your trial?” Saul said through the telephone.
“That can be arranged,” Nightmare Moon replied. “Although I don’t happen to live in Albuquerque. Think you can help a client…in a different dimension?”
“That’ll cost a lot of money, but I’m willing. As long as transportation is available,” Saul said back.
“Perfect. This will certainly benefit the both of us,” Nightmare Moon said.
“Glad we could arrange something.”
The day of the trial arrived, and Nightmare Moon was seated in the correct location. Several other ponies were acting as jury, and several others were seated behind Nightmare Moon, including the Mane 6, Celestia and several other prominent figures.
The judge and several others were starting to get annoyed waiting for Nightmare Moon’s lawyer, but finally she managed to teleport him into the room.
“Court is now in session,” said the judge. “Nightmare Moon is the defendant, and the Equestrian Tax Administration is the plaintiff. The honorable Saul Goodman will be defending Nightmare Moon in court.”
“Your honor,” Saul started. “I believe my client is not guilty of tax evasion. You see, she has been imprisoned on the moon for a thousand years. How could she have paid her taxes when she has no job, no way of sending tax returns back and forth, and certainly has no way of knowing that she needs to pay the taxes. Therefore, it would have been impossible for her to actually pay her taxes and file returns. There’s also the fact that the returns were filed under ‘Luna,’ not ‘Nightmare Moon’.”
“Plaintiff, do you have a rebuttal?” The judge said.
“We believe Nightmare Moon was fully aware she was avoiding paying her taxes and that she was able to receive tax returns. Whoever was sending them to her was likely missing the target,” the ETA agents said. It was subtle, but you could hear the shaking in their voice, as if they were trying to cover up their mistake.
The court continued back and forth, before the jury got up to decide the vote.
“The evidence is all there that she was unable to file her taxes and pay them off. She was on the bucking moon for Faust’s sake!” Said one of the jurors.
Several other jurors nodded in agreement. Almost every juror believed that, even though Nightmare Moon was an evil being, that she was unable to pay her taxes while imprisoned on the moon.
The jury took a vote, and declared Nightmare Moon not guilty of tax evasion. They walked out and pronounced her not guilty, and the judge slammed his gavel, signifying the decision.
The ETA was in shambles. They had been required to compensate Nightmare Moon $100,000 for their actions against her during the Summer Sun Celebration, as well as pay for all the court charges.
Nightmare Moon and Saul Goodman walked out from the courtroom.
“Thank you, Mr. Goodman, for your hard work on my case,” Nightmare Moon said.
“Please, call me Saul,” he said back. “If you ever have any other legal issues, just call Saul!”
Nightmare Moon chuckled. “I will. Ready for teleportation home?”
“Send it,” he said.
With a flash, Saul Goodman was gone, and Nightmare Moon was cleared of her tax evasion charges. She later used the $100,000 compensation to finance the rebuilding of her old castle, which had been destroyed in her battle with Celestia. She later went on to start her own legal firm, and helped many ponies win their own cases.
And Saul? He went on to help a drug producer named Heisenberg stay out of the DEA’s grasp, but that’s a story for another time.
The end.
Author's Note
Some “effort” was put into this story.
I swear the next thing I make will have some level of coherency and not be something I wrote in class during my free time.
