A Jealous Marefriend, and the Maid Who Danced
Shortly before five a.m. on Haypril 19th, Rarity and Spike arrived in Trottawa. They'd ridden a sleeper car in the overnight train. After a short taxicab ride to the Grand Vienneighse Hotel, the two friends sought the hotel's front desk.
"Excuse me." Spike poked a sleeping earth pony, whose face was resting on the desk. "We're here to see Anon. Can you tell us what room he's staying in?"
The clerk mumbled, "One thirteen."
"Thank you," Rarity said. As a tip, she slipped a coin beneath the pony's cheek.
When Rarity and Spike reached the hallway's last turn before Anon's room, they saw three ponies arguing, two of whom Rarity and Spike already knew from Ponyville. Rarity grabbed Spike with her magic, pulling him back around the corner.
"Eavesdropping is rude," Rarity admitted in a whisper, "but openly staring at ponies arguing is even ruder."
A small, pink earth pony maid standing in front of the door said softly, "Zis guest, he is very busy. He does not want to see you now." She pointed to a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on the doorknob.
Standing only inches from the maid's face, Lyra the mint green unicorn hissed, "I HAVE to see Anon immediately! It's important!"
Next to Lyra stood another earth pony, Bonnie, who had two forelimbs wrapped tensely around her marefriend. "If Lyra is going inside to see Anon, I am DEFINITELY coming with her. I don't trust that homewrecker to be alone with my Lyra, not one bit! Not for even one minute!"
"Well," Spike whispered to Rarity. "Do you think we should try back later?"
Rarity shook her head. "Anon told us he wanted to see us AS SOON as we arrived in Trottawa, so we could plan our visit. I don't want to keep him waiting."
As Lyra shoved the maid sideways, Bonnie tried the doorknob. "Locked," she said with disgust.
Lyra put her lips to Bonnie's ear, and whispered. "Bonnie...I know you have 'special ways' with locks."
Bonnie pulled Lyra away from the door and the maid, and kept pulling her down the hall, incidentally closer to Rarity and Spike. She hissed, "Lyra! You know my secret work for the Equestrian government is...confidential. Don't let the maid know anything about it!"
"About what?" Spike asked.
Surprised, Bonnie stared at the little dragon peeping around the corner, then blushed. "Nothing," she said.
"Nothing at all," Lyra agreed.
Rarity raised one forelimb. "I, however, am an official Element Bearer of Harmony, who works closely with Princess Twilight Sparkle herself to investigate and solve urgent crises for the Equestrian Government." She smiled with some satisfaction. "I have an appointment with Anon, and it makes me suspicious to be told he won't see anypony. Bonnie, that means if you need a perfectly good excuse to pick the lock, all I need do is ask. Pick it! Pick it now!"
Spike dodged around Lyra and Bonnie, and kept walking towards Anon's room. "Don't maids usually have keys to all the rooms anyway, so they can go in and clean?"
"I am sure zat I do not know what you are talking about!" the maid insisted.
Spike shrugged. "Have it your way, then."
Rarity nudged and wheedled Bonnie back down the hall to Anon's room. "Unlock the door, Bonnie. Or...I just don't know WHAT I'll do, if Anon is in terrible trouble and we don't rescue him in time!"
"What kind of trouble?" Bonnie wondered.
"Less questioning, more picking!" Rarity demanded.
Bonnie knelt in front of the door. She pulled a hairpin out of her mane, stuck it into the keyhole, and gently wiggled.
A minute later, the door opened. Bonnie, Rarity, Lyra, Spike, and the hotel maid all went inside.
In the middle of the room, a ladybug half again as large as an average pony lay on its back, sprawled out across the bed. The giant insect had been tied down with so many loops and coils of string, knotted many times, that it looked at least halfway to becoming a sort of mummy.
Rarity blinked. "Well," she said. "This is...unexpected."
The maid stood in place, wide eyed and stiff with panic. "Zis must be zee work of one of our competitors, a different hotel!" she said. "Zey must have dumped one of zeir 'unwanted guests' here! Zat is zee only explanation for zis creature!"
"So you don't know what this...THING...is doing here?" Rarity asked. "This giant insect?"
"The Hotel Vienneighse, she does not have any insects. Not ever. If you zink you see one, you should go for eye exam."
"Wow," Spike remarked. "Thanks for the help. So this isn't really a giant bug at all. Maybe...when Anon woke up early this morning, he just happened to look like this."
Spike's joke broke the tension, and everypony laughed.
"But seriously..." Spike scratched his head. "...what a mystery."
A glint appeared in Rarity's eyes. "A mystery for me to SOLVE! Just like the case of Rainbow Dash and the forged letter!"
"What?" Lyra asked.
Spike summarized, "One time before a Wonderbolts show, somepony tried to frame Rainbow Dash for a crime she didn't commit, but Rarity found the real culprit. I think you can find the writeup in volume three of "Princess Twilight's Official Friendship Journal."
Lyra snorted. "But the official version of anything the government tells the public NEVER has all the real facts. They always censor the truth 'for your own good.' Whether it's about UFOs, water fluoridation, the REAL history of Nightmare Moon...the government spokesponies always lie."
Bonnie elbowed her marefriend, and said, "The government wouldn't ever lie to ponies about anything important! And I look forward to buying that official, government approved book and reading all about it!"
Rarity looked at the maid's nametag. "Miss...Plumeau?"
"Oui. Madamoiselle Plumeau Précipité."
"Pree-sippy-what?" Spike asked.
"Précipité. Because I am zee very speedy pony at cleaning zee rooms."
"Hmm," Rarity eyed the maid suspiciously. "Plumeau seems like an unusual name, for a pony who isn't a PEGASUS."
"In zee proper Prench, 'plumeau' means zee 'feather duster." The maid returned Rarity's contemptuous look with interest. "Perhaps if you had ever done any lick of zee work in your life, fancy unicorn, you might have known zat."
"Whoa, whoa!" Spike held up both paws. "We're here to solve the mystery of what happened to Anon, and how to get him back. We're not here to quarrel about whether Rarity works hard enough."
"I'll have you know..." Rarity sniffed. "...I make more dresses in an average fortnight than many professional tailoring shops sew in a month!"
"Rarity works really hard," Bonnie agreed. "Whenever anypony in Ponyville needs a good dress in a hurry, we know who to talk to."
The maid started edging sideways, as if preparing to run around Rarity and out the door. "Zat is very nice, but I need to go clean zee common areas--"
"Stop!" Rarity shouted. She levitated an instant camera out of her saddlebags, and snapped a photo of the maid's face. "And I need to photograph the hooves of everypony here, right away!"
The maid snorted. "Are you some kind of weird pony who has zee feet fetish?"
Rarity explained, "Every pony hoof has a slightly different size, shape, and wear pattern. By paying close attention to these factors, detectives can distinguish different ponies' hoofprints."
"I zink you are just weird."
"It's true!" Spike said. "We read about it in a Shadow Spade novel, "Shadow Spade and the Hooficure Spa Syndicate."
Spike had an idea. He sneaked around behind the maid, where he got down on all fours. Rarity guessed his plan, so she shoved Plumeau, who tripped and fell over the little dragon, landing hooves up. Rarity snapped a photo. "Plumeau," Rarity said, "I have some questions for you. You told Lyra and Bonnie that Anon didn't want to talk to them. Why did you say that?"
Plumeau pressed her lips together tightly. "Some zings, zey are private matters. A mademoiselle should not be forced to speak of zem."
"I need to know MORE than that...DARLING."
"Zat is all you get." The maid dodged around Rarity and ran out the door.
Rarity shouted after her, "Don't you DARE try to leave the hotel! We may need you later."
"You are what zey call zee cray-cray!" the maid bayed as she ran down the hallway. "Foot picture collecting weirdo."
When Plumeau was gone, Spike shook his head. "Well...THAT wasn't suspicious."
"I shall require hoof photographs from all of you!" Rarity ordered everypony present. "And don't leave the hotel grounds. You are all possible suspects."
"What?" Bonnie complained. "How can you distrust me? You know I have a security clearance."
"Yes," Rarity agreed, "but you have so many special secret agent skills, AND you were involved in that jealous lover's quarrel outside Anon's hotel room. You have means AND motive."
Lyra blushed, and pulled Bonnie closer. "I trust Bonnie. I mean, I don't believe she would ever do anything bad to Anon."
Rarity pursed her lips. "So you say. But maybe you don't know your marefriend quite as well as you think you do. Or maybe YOU abducted Anon. Or maybe you and Bonnie are in it TOGETHER."
Lyra laughed. "It's too early in the morning for me to deal with crazy stuff like this."
"But NOT too early for a lover's quarrel in the hallway?" Rarity pressed.
Lyra sighed. "If you need me...I'm going to bed."
"Not so fast! Why were you in such a hurry to talk to Anon?"
"Um..." Lyra gestured vaguely in the direction Plumeau had gone. "It's like what the maid said. Private girl stuff of the heart."
Bonnie shrugged. "Me too, I guess." She and Lyra walked out of the room.
"After them!" Rarity ordered. "Don't let them get away!"
She and Spike followed the tiredly trudging marefriend couple along the hall to an elevator. All four shared the elevator to the hotel's fifth floor, where they went to room 505, which was Lyra and Bonnie's.
When Bonnie opened the door, she gestured at the bed and rolled her eyes. The bed was completely mussed, with a life size inflated blow up pony, a massage manual laying open to 'Advanced Techniques,' and a bottle of oil.
"I can explain," Lyra replied. "When I'm feeling awake. And when YOU'RE awake enough to remember what I tell you."
Bonnie shoved the...entertainment items off the bed, before she lay down. "Come over here, you little freak."
Lyra joined her on the bed, cuddling up as the 'little spoon.' "I love you, my little sugarplum. Even if I AM as weird as you are, just in different ways. And I'll tell you all about it in the morning."
In moments, both ponies were snoring.
Spike looked over towards the doorway. "Maybe we should leave them alone," he whispered.
"No. This is a chance to search the room for clues." She eyed the blowup doll distastefully. "I don't know why anypony would WANT something like THIS, though."
Spike offered, "At Big Mac's bachelor party, we got him one. I think ponies just give them to somepony to be funny, not because they're GOOD for anything."
Rarity tiptoed around the room. "Look at the tags on this luggage. One pony came here directly from Ponyville by train, one day before we did. Another pony left Ponyville five days earlier, flew to Haybec City by rush airship, and only arrived here late last night."
"You know, Bonnie travels a lot for her 'secret work.' I mean, the work that isn't about making candy."
"Yes. But the more these two marefriends choose to be apart, or are forced by contingencies of career to be apart...maybe the more opportunity they have to get into trouble. By trouble, I mean..."
"Cheating on each other?"
"Maybe. Or perhaps even...other activities."
"I think you're just making wild guesses."
Rarity checked the room's floors, the table and desk, the kitchenette's small counter, and the dishes in the sink. She looked within and beneath every piece of furniture. Next Rarity went into the bathroom, searched it, and returned. Finally she opened the Prench doors to the balcony, where she searched the deck, railings, and adjacent walls for more clues. Sometimes, she paused for long enough to take a photograph.
When she came back inside, she touched the wall with one forehoof. "Spike...don't you think this is an interesting wallpaper pattern?"
Spike's eyes followed her gesture. "Oh! Those squiggles and swirls remind me of something I helped Twilight research once. This wallpaper design has anti-teleportation runes worked into it. It makes sense a big city hotel might use them. Otherwise, I guess one unicorn thief who's learned to teleport could rob all the rooms in a short time, without even the risk of being seen picking the lock."
"I see."
"Banks use similar runes too, to protect their vaults."
"How interesting," Rarity said. "Thank you for the explanation, Spike." She led the way to the door. "Come, Spike. We have more detective work to do."
When she and Spike were outside the room, she tried the doorknob, checking that she'd locked the door properly behind her.
"I'm famished," Spike complained.
"Well...I suppose making sure we don't starve to death is necessary work too."
***
In the hotel's coffee shop, Rarity and Spike were the first customers of the morning. After the waiter took their order, Spike wondered aloud, "Rarity...do you have any ideas about what happened to Anon?"
"Hush, Spike. I've been reading some Sherlock Pones stories lately, and he makes an excellent point. As he says, 'The temptation to form premature theories upon insufficient data is the bane of our profession.'"
"'Our profession?'"
"I might be a part time detective, but I take it seriously. So be silent and let me think. I'm still contemplating the clues we have so far, and considering what to do next."
Spike looked up at a poster on the wall, which advertised
Equestria's Greatest and Most Powerful Magician
Trixie Lulamoon
Instructed by Princess Twilight Sparkle Herself
Performing Nightly in the Grand Vienneighse Hotel Ballroom
Haypril 12th through 30th
Reserve Your Tickets Now!
"After we find him, do you think Anon might want to see a magic show with us?"
"First we must FIND Anon...then we can ask him directly. Now hush, Detective Rarity is analyzing clues." Rarity shuffled her photographs around on the table.
"You said 'Detective Rarity is' instead of "I am.' I think you're catching Trixie's thing. Also, I'm pretty sure you're not a real detective."
"I said, hush."
***
After eating three pastries, Spike got up from the table. He wandered around the coffeshop, and out onto the adjoining patio. He seemed to stop and admire some flowers, but then returned.
"Hey, Rarity."
"Shush, dear."
"You know how you were taking those weird foot pics?"
"It's more polite to call them forensic evidence, darling."
"I'm serious. I saw a whole lot of hoofprints in a flowerbed right outside."
Rarity swept her photographs into a single stack, which she deposited in her saddlebags. "How interesting, Spike! Let's go take a look."
Rarity followed Spike outdoors, where the pair examined the flowerbed.
Spike got down on all fours to inspect the ground more closely. A minute later, he remarked, "To me, all of these prints look like the same pony's."
"Yes," Rarity agreed. "These hoofprints are all the same size, small like Plumeau's dainty hooves. The shape and wear patterns also match her quite well."
"I'm sure you're right," Spike said. "But what was she doing to leave so many tracks?"
Rarity photographed the disturbed dirt and smashed flowers. "It IS a puzzle. It reminds me of a Sherlock Pones story I read last month, 'The Mystery of the Dancing Pony.'"
"Oh?"
"The relevant point is, a chaotic, jumbled sequence of hoofprints was very resistant to analysis. Superficially, it appeared that exactly one pony had performed a complicated, frenzied dance." Rarity photographed a nearby shrubbery, which was also damaged as if somepony had leaped on top of it. She eyed the nearest trees suspiciously.
"What are you looking for, Rarity?"
"In the story I mention, it turned out the so called 'dancing pony' had been fighting a pegasus. The pegasus was flying, so THAT'S why only one pony left hoofprints on the ground."
"Look here," Spike pointed at some prints where the pony had slid and skidded. "It's like...she was trying to walk farther away from the hotel, but somepony else was pulling her back. Not letting her escape."
"Very well spotted, Spike!" Rarity gently bit her lower lip. "This certainly adds a complication to our case."
"What kind of complication?"
"You know we asked Plumeau to remain in the hotel. But here it seems she was trying to leave, but somepony else was trying to PREVENT her from leaving. But who would do that for us? When we last saw Bonnie and Lyra, they were fast asleep."
"And neither Bonnie nor Lyra is a pegasus," Spike interjected.
"True." Rarity pursed her lips. "There's another way to look at this, too. Maybe this struggle was NOT some unknown benefactor trying to help our investigation. Perhaps somepony ELSE is trying to keep Plumeau from leaving the Grand Vienneighse, for some OTHER reason. I wonder, is Plumeau herself a victim of some kind?" Rarity shook her head. "I should check with her, to ask if her employer is holding her prisoner here, forcing her to work."
"You really think that's possible?" Spike wondered.
"It's worth looking into, at least. And while investigating that question, we might stumble upon some other clue."
***
Rarity and Spike found Plumeau in the third floor hallway, with a cartful of cleaning supplies. Rarity looked around for ponies who might overhear. Finding none, she whispered, "Plumeau. I can help you."
"Zank you. You can wipe zee baseboards. Use zee fluid in zee green spraybottle."
"That's not what I mean. What I mean is, I know somepony has been trying to prevent you from leaving this place. Trying to keep you prisoner here."
"Yes, zat would be YOU. I remember earlier zis morning, when you ordered me not to try to leave zee hotel. Because you zink I am...I do not know what kind of criminal you zink I am, but I am sure when you decide, you will tell me. In zee meantime, when I next see a police, I tell zem you are zee cray cray, and ask ZEM to help me."
"What Rarity means is, she knows you tried to leave the hotel, and somepony dragged you back. There were obvious signs of a struggle."
Plumeau's eyes widened. "I do NOT try to run away. I am wait for police, I am not run away from ZEM."
"So you didn't try to leave?" Rarity pressed.
"Of course not. I am good, law abiding pony. Not cray cray like you."
Rarity's nostrils flared for a moment, but she held her temper. "Thank you very much, Plumeau. If you should need to confide in me about anything, I expect I, too, will be in the hotel."
"Zank you, I am sure. Now move. I need to clean zat spot where you stand in front of."
***
Rarity and Spike wandered through the hotel for most of the morning, looking for clues, and interrupting hotel staff to ask them questions. Nopony admitted to knowing about any unusual events involving Lyra, Bonnie, or Plumeau. All anypony would admit to knowing about Anon was, the human had indeed checked into the hotel yesterday afternoon. Rarity did, however, succeed in confirming that Lyra had checked in a day ago, and Bonnie had only arrived late last night.
"We are a busy hotel," insisted the desk clerk, whose face still bore the faint imprint of the coin Rarity had slid beneath his cheek while he napped before sunrise. "We host a lot of creatures, and we can't keep detailed notes on what each one does."
"I see." Rarity nodded. "Well, if you think of anything you might want to confide in me, I hope you will let me know."
"Of course, Mare'm."
Spike elbowed Rarity. He whispered, "Ask him if he knows anything about a giant bug infestation."
"Hush, Spike." She drew Spike aside, and whispered back, "I'm holding that in reserve. Once I mention it, we might have trouble getting ponies to talk about anything else. Instead of asking any leading questions, I'm hoping we might get somepony to mention it to us first."
"Sure." Spike shook his head. "My feet are tired. Can't we go rest somewhere?"
Rarity glanced upwards. "Now that they've had some time to catch up on sleep, let's go visit our friends Bonnie and Lyra again."
***
Spike knocked on room 505's door. "Hello?" he asked.
About half a minute later, he knocked again. "It's me, your pal Spike."
The door opened, showing an earth pony with seriously messy bedmane. "Hi, Spike."
"Good morning, Bonnie." Spike smiled, trying to look friendly. "Sorry to bother you so early, it's just..."
"I need to recheck your room for clues," Rarity interrupted. "How else am I to clear you two of all suspicion?"
Behind Bonnie, Lyra asked, "Suspicion in what?"
Bonnie turned and whispered, "Just go along with them. It's easier that way." She smiled at her visitors. "Come in, come in. I'm sorry we haven't had a chance to clean up, but...well...who knew you were coming to see us so early?"
"Yes," Rarity said, pushing past Bonnie. "I understand completely." She walked into the kitchenette, where four cups soaked in the sink. "I see at some point you two have been...drinking tea." She lifted one of the four cups, which had a hotel logo on it, and looked at the bottom. She pulled a ruler from her saddlebags, and measured the cup on every side.
"Yes," Bonnie agreed. "We like tea. And coffee, too."
Rarity went out onto the balcony again, leaving the door open. She gestured at scattered crumbs and two broken plates. "I noticed when I was here early this morning, somepony had already made a bit of a mess."
Lyra laughed nervously. "You know me...a free spirit. Artistic temperament. Thinking about my creative muse. But I always clean up my messes sooner or later."
Bonnie said, "Or I clean them up for her."
Rarity turned and walked to the room's one table, which stood by the Prench doors to the balcony. She checked the carpet for scuff marks, where somepony had dragged the table to and fro.
Where small spills and drips of liquid on the bottoms of cups had left splotches or circular markings on the tabletop, Rarity laid down her ruler, snapping photos. "I saw these messy little dribbles when I was here earlier this morning," she said, "but I didn't think to measure them."
"So I'm a slob!" Lyra cried out. "That isn't a crime!"
"Somepony has to make sure the maid stays employed," Bonnie remarked. "Don't you think so?"
Rarity shook her head in confusion. "Something here seems familiar," she said. "It's as if I've seen a mess just like this before..." She laughed. "Of course! What a foal I've been! I should have known immediately!"
"What is it?" Spike asked.
"I've seen cup prints exactly like these in Ponyville! At Twilight's castle, in Trixie's wagon..." Rarity pointed a forehoof at Lyra and Bonnie. "You two stay right here. In fact, go back to bed, and don't get out of it. I don't want anypony tampering with any clues."
"Oh no," Bonnie said sarcastically, "Don't tell me I have to go back to bed. Can Lyra come with me?"
"BOTH of you!" Rarity demanded. "And you, Spike...you stay here, and make sure they don't get out of bed for even one second."
Lyra and Bonnie jumped onto the bed. They bounced up and down, giggling. Then Bonnie sighed. "Lyra...I think I could use a bit more sleep."
"Me too."
Within a minute, the two were snoring again.
Rarity, meanwhile, ran an errand of her own.
The next time room 505's door opened, in came four ponies: Rarity, Miss Plumeau, and two unicorns: Trixie Lulamoon and Starlight Glimmer.
"Starlight!" Spike said. "I didn't know you were in Trottawa."
Rarity smiled. "Where Trixie Lulamoon is, her marefriend Starlight--"
Starlight and Trixie exchanged bemused looks.
Rarity continued, "As I was saying, when Trixie goes someplace for weeks, her GOOD FRIEND Starlight is likely to show up there too."
"I suppose that's true," Starlight admitted. "But that still doesn't explain why you've asked me and Trixie to come up here."
Rarity pulled out her stack of photographs...and looked around for a clean place to put them. She settled for levitating them in front of herself.
"Fact one," she said, "Anon is missing from his hotel room. At approximately half past five this morning he was already missing, and nocreature I've spoken to admits having seen him since."
"What do you mean, missing?" Trixie whined. "Anon can come and go as he pleases. You're not his keeper."
"Anon was supposed to meet with me and Spike early this morning, in his room." Rarity sniffed. "He's normally a very trustworthy and reliable creature."
"Anon is annoying," Trixie said.
"Immaterial." Rarity narrowed her eyes at Trixie. "Unless YOU did something to him. If you dislike him so much, that might be a motive."
"Trixie has nothing to say. Because Trixie respects Anon's right to privacy."
Rarity snorted in frustration. "What is it with all these ponies who don't want to talk about what they do with Anon?"
Starlight shrugged.
"In any case," Rarity continued, "Both you and Starlight are ponies of interest in this investigation."
"Why?" Trixie demanded.
"Because..." Rarity smiled. "...you are the greatest and most powerful magician in Equestria. All your posters say so. You were personally instructed by Princess Twilight Sparkle herself. Unless your posters are LYING. False advertising?"
Trixie said, "Trixie's posters are no lies! Princess Twilight personally instructed Trixie to stop telling tall stories about Ursa Majors to impress ponies. Also, Princess Twilight instructed Trixie not to wear any more cursed artifacts that brainwash their wearer into enslaving a town. If you doubt my word, ask Twilight yourself!"
Starlight laughed. "She's got you there, Rarity."
Rarity pointed a foreleg. "You're another pony of special interest, Starlight. You're one of the most skilled and powerful unicorn mages I've ever met. And another reason: both you and Trixie are ponies from Ponyville, and so far as I know, you're both associates of Lyra and Bonnie."
"I prefer to call them friends," Lyra chimed in.
"Friends, then," Rarity agreed. "But another reason Trixie is of such interest is...she is a professional magician, right?"
"Of course Trixie is!"
"And one thing magicians do is...make things disappear! In a magic show, even ponies and other creatures may vanish!"
Trixie sighed.
"What's wrong, Lulu?" Starlight asked.
Trixie skulked into the corner of the room farthest from Lyra and Bonnie. She gestured for Rarity and Starlight to follow her. Spike followed along too. Trixie whispered, "Trixie isn't any good at making creatures disappear."
"What?" Rarity said.
"Trixie said, she can't make creatures disappear. Even the one trick like that you might have seen Trixie perform in Ponyville, when Trixie cannons herself down the throat of a giant manticore?"
"I did see that show," Rarity recalled.
"Trixie is ashamed to say, Trixie cheated. Trixie begged Starlight to secretly teleport Trixie out of the manticore. That's the only way Trixie was able to escape from the manticore's stomach, without asking the manticore to do something that would be really icky for an audience to watch."
Rarity pursed her lips, her eyes narrowing. "Ohhh-KAY then."
Starlight whispered, "It's true. Trixie can't disappear creatures at all."
"Well, then..." Rarity asked, "who DID disappear Anon? Or what happened to him? Because there is ONE thing I have good evidence of..." Rarity led the other two unicorns back towards the center of the room. "Look at those dirty cup marks on the table!"
"Um..." Starlight said.
Lyra complained, "Yes, I'm a slob! But that's not a crime!"
"I know about Trixie's little stint in a porcelain factory last year," Rarity revealed. "The one advanced magic spell Trixie DOES know is how to turn anything into a teacup. Pebbles, garbage, whatever. But she only knows how to make exactly one kind of teacup, which is why after two days the factory fired her."
Trixie blushed.
"And one of these cup marks on the table," Rarity announced, "EXACTLY matches the ONE kind of cup Trixie knows how to make."
"Trixie may have visited Lyra and Bonnie's room last night," Trixie admitted. "But just like being messy, visiting friends isn't a crime."
"On the contrary!" Rarity announced. "Your presence here is the missing piece that explains almost everything about Anon's disappearance!"
"Speaking of where missing things are," Trixie remarked, "would anypony happen to know where my teacup is? I think I left it in this room."
"I searched this room very thoroughly, at about six o'clock this morning," Rarity said. "It isn't here."
"Oh, no." Trixie's face paled. "That's very bad news."
"Tell us why!" Rarity demanded.
"Because...that teacup is my biggest piece of luggage. A traveling case is so much easier to carry, if Trixie turns it into a teacup until she reaches her destination. THAT is why the teacup is so important to Trixie. No other reason."
"Really?" Rarity eyed Trixie skeptically. "No other reason?"
"Really truly. Would Trixie ever lie to you?"
Rarity snorted.
Trixie whined, "But, Rarity, you were about to tell us almost everything about Anon's disappearance. Won't you please do that? Maybe you'll even be able to explain where Trixie's missing teacup is."
"Yes!" Rarity agreed. "I'll tell you about Anon's disappearance. Clue one: when I was supposed to meet Anon in his hotel room, I found Lyra and Bonnie arguing outside his door. Bonnie was acting jealous, saying she didn't want to let Lyra see Anon without Bonnie coming along. Bonnie called Anon a homewrecker. If that isn't jealousy, I don't know what is."
"But Bonnie! You should trust me!" Lyra argued. "When I was in the same hotel room with Anon, we had a chaperone! That proves I didn't cheat on you!"
"Aha!" Rarity said. "And who would you trust to be a chaperone? Somepony you both know, I suppose?"
Lyra pointed at Trixie. "When Anon came up here, Trixie followed him up. For some reason."
"Trixie doesn't even LIKE Anon. Trixie merely wanted to make sure Anon didn't misbehave. Since you and he were going to..." Trixie gestured at the inflatable pony doll and massage supplies on the floor next to the bed. "...to do whatever THAT is."
"When I thought about where Anon might have gone last night," Rarity said, "I considered that according to the luggage tags and the hotel's check-in records, it appeared Lyra arrived here early yesterday morning, and Bonnie arrived late last night. When we consider that early THIS morning I found Bonnie making jealous accusations against Lyra and Anon, the answer is clear: when Bonnie arrived, possibly earlier than Lyra had expected, she found Anon and Lyra doing something that made Bonnie jealous. Possibly something completely inappropriate for a married mare."
Bonnie blinked. "I'll admit I was jealous," she admitted. "But that wasn't because I saw them doing anything together."
"Then why?" Rarity asked.
"Because before I opened our hotel room's door, I heard voices from inside the room: Anon saying something about the ways he likes to touch a mare, and Lyra...well...she was making these...SOUNDS..."
Lyra blushed. "It was only a massage lesson! It wasn't cheating!"
Bonnie accused, "If you didn't have anything to hide, then why didn't I see Anon when I walked into the room? What happened to him?"
Rarity stared at Trixie. "Yes, Trixie. I wonder what happened to him? Perhaps you saw, since you were right here."
Trixie stammered, "T-t-teacup!"
Rarity sighed. "Of course. The one advanced magical spell you actually know, that isn't a fake or a fraud." She glared at the performer. "You turned him into a teacup? How could you do such a thing?"
Trixie whimpered shamefacedly, "When Bonnie was at the door, and Anon was in here with Lyra, Lyra asked Trixie: 'Use your magic to disappear Anon.' But Trixie can't truly disappear creatures! So Trixie threw a smoke bomb, and under cover of the smoke, Trixie turned Anon into a teacup."
"But why is there an inflatable pony doll?" Spike wondered.
"The life size doll was to demonstrate and practice massage techniques on," Lyra explained. "Anon knows how to give a massage with hands. I thought I could learn how to use my unicorn magic to do the same thing, since I like to form my magic into hand shapes. I wanted to learn how to do a massage like that for Bonnie." Lyra pleaded, "It was supposed to be a surprise! I was planning to give Bonnie a 'hands style' massage as a special anniversary gift!"
Bonnie shook her head, but smiled. "You little weirdo."
Lyra's muzzle nudged Bonnie. "YOUR little weirdo."
Bonnie sighed. "Now I see how wrong I was. When I found Lyra and Trixie in the room together, AND I knew I'd heard Anon, BUT nopony would admit he'd been here...I got upset about my own marefriend lying to me. I felt angry. But I didn't really start shouting and screaming until a bit later, after Trixie had left."
"Trixie's career as a traveling showpony has given Trixie a sense of when she should run away for her own safety."
"But then our 'discussion' was interrupted by another visitor," Bonnie said. "Starlight let herself in."
"The door wasn't locked!" Starlight said. "And I was worried about you two. Trixie said you seemed really angry, Bonnie."
"That's when I started throwing dishes," Bonnie admitted. "I even threw a cup so hard it flew out the open Prench door and off the balcony."
"NOOOOOOOO!" Trixie screamed.
After a moment, Lyra blanched. "Was that teacup ANON?"
Starlight tried to comfort Trixie and Lyra. "Don't worry, Trixie! I was here when that happened, and I protected the teacup. I turned it into something that's really, really hard to destroy by just throwing it off a balcony. Something with wings."
Rarity blinked. "A pegasus? So was THAT who the maid was fighting with down by the patio? But why would Anon turned pegasus get into a fight with the maid?"
"Not a pegasus. Something even harder to kill."
Rarity blinked. "What?"
"A giant beetle, with the proportionate strength of a beetle." Starlight shrugged. "I was kind of trying for a giant cockroach, but at the last moment I chickened out. So I got a ladybug, which is good enough I guess?"
Rarity gasped. "YOU turned ANON into the giant ladybug I saw downstairs this morning?"
"I wouldn't turn the teacup into a LITTLE TINY bug. A LITTLE bug would be too hard to find." Starlight's shoulders slumped. "Not that I was able to find him anyway. By the time I ran down five flights of stairs and went outside, he was gone. I have no idea what happened to him."
Plumeau's mouth worked nervously. "I...might have un idea where he went. I was outside, cleaning zee patio. When I saw a giant insect, trying to crawl inside zee Grand Vienneighse, I could not take zis. I was so angry, at giant insect trying to go inside our hotel. If ponies saw the bug, he would ruin our reputation for being clean! So I attacked him, and tried to pull him away from zee building." Tears ran down her face. "But he was too strong! I am small, and he was very, very big. I grabbed him, but he simply dragged me inside zee hotel and along zee hallway. When we arrived at a room where he seemed to want to go inside..." Plumeau sobbed. "I couldn't simply leave him in zee hall, where any guest might walk and see him! Also, he had a key to zat exact room, hanging on a string around his neck. So I opened zee room's door, and let Monsieur Insect inside, where he lay down on zee bed. I did not want him to escape and crawl around zee hotel again, so I got more string and tied him up very much."
Rarity sighed. "Starlight. Trixie. Everypony else too. Let us go downstairs, to Anon's hotel room, and try to change him back."
***
Bonnie picked room 113's lock again, letting the group inside. The ponies untied Anon and magically transformed him: first into a teacup, and finally back to his real human self. Instead of getting angry, he laughed at everypony's mistakes and misadventures. "I can't really blame any of you. We all meant well, we just...had a few misunderstandings, that's all."
"Trixie is so sorry!" the showpony said.
"There, there." Anon stroked her mane. "It's ok. I know you didn't mean any harm."
"To show how sorry Trixie is, she would like to give you a very special ticket to her magic show. The best seat in the house!"
"Where IS the best seat in the house?"
Trixie smiled. "On stage, of course! Where better to see Trixie's amazing magic, than by volunteering to be PART of it? Has Anon ever been sawed in half before?"
Anon worked to keep a straight face. "That's very generous of you, Trixie. But I think I might want the rest of my visit to Trottawa to be more...relaxing. Being a magician's assistant sounds like too much work."
Trixie said cheerfully, "Your loss!"
Addendum
With Gratitude and/or Apologies to Franz Kafka and David Wyllie
