"I understand how hard this must be for you. But I really do think we need to talk."
Sunset and Fluttershy sat on the latter's back lawn. They were resting on the grass, under the afternoon sun. Behind them, past the fence and out on the road, the sounds of busy cars sped by them. It was another completely lazy day.
One only needed to look at the two girls to see the tension between them. Sunset was trying to remain calm and impartial, but her face clearly held reservations. Fluttershy was trying to keep the red from her face, refusing to even look at her friend. And in front of both of them, Angel Bunny contently lay in the grass.
"I don't know what there is to it. You saw what I was doing." Fluttershy said sourly.
Sunset smiled despite herself. "As far as things I could have seen walking into a teenage girl's bedroom, it was pretty tame. You were just looking, you weren't even jacking off or anything." She noticed Fluttershy wince at the word, and tried to backtrack. "I mean, I could figure out the intent. And I'm not angry, I'm just... Concerned. I think you understand why I would be."
"Please... Please don't call anyone."
"Who, the police? If you could access it online, it was probably legal. Looking at horse butts isn't a crime." Sunset assured. "I just... Want to know."
Fluttershy clearly looked hesitant to hold an animal given the subject, but begrudgingly allowed Angel to hop into her arms when he approached her. She cradled him against her, and ran her fingers through his fur. The effect it had was clear, and her body began to relax slightly as she held the rabbit.
"We'll start small, I suppose." Sunset encouraged. "How long?"
"Since puberty, at least." Fluttershy said truthfully. "Did you know scientists still aren't sure where fetishes come from? One of the popular theories is that it's exposure to an inciting incident when your hormones are beginning to kick in, but if that's the case... I don't know what incident in particular caused it. I've always liked animals."
Sunset nodded, recalling her Equestrian counterpart. "I believe that. So at some point, it just..."
Fluttershy grimaced. "I don't want to go into the specifics of my pre-teen sexual exploration. What's the use, anyway? You know what matters. I... like animals. Like... Well, you know."
"Yeah, I know." Sunset said. "And you understand why that concerns me."
Fluttershy frowned glumly. "It would concern me too, in your shoes. I just need to tell you, first off- I've never hurt an animal. I've never even tried to... initiate anything with an animal. What you saw me looking at, it was just... Scenes from a documentary. I never look at those awful videos people make, where they try to..."
"I thought as much, just from the glance I got. Don't worry."
That seemed to calm Fluttershy down somewhat. Angel seemed to be aware, on some level, of her distress. He repeatedly nuzzled up against her, flattening his ears and pressing his nose into her shirt.
Sunset searched for the next logical question. "Is this why you... Why you've always worked with... Them, so much?"
Fluttershy shook her head vigorously at first. "No! I mean- Not... Entirely. It helps, at least. I genuinely do appreciate animals, I always have. But being in such close proximity to them means... A healthy outlet, right? It means altruism, and activism. Even if it's partially for a... Less than savory reason, I'm still helping creatures, aren't I? The end result is what matters."
She sounded like she was trying to convince herself, but Sunset couldn't find fault in that. "Of course. We all know how kind you are, Shy. Regardless of what leads to them, your actions have only ever been pure." She scratched the back of her head. "Knowing that, though... It is going to make me look at you in a different light."
Fluttershy tilted her head begrudgingly. "I know. I know, and that's what I was afraid of- When I'm applying for amateur veterinary work, or helping on Applejack's farm, or at the shelter... It's not exactly something I list on my application. And there's a part of me that always nags when I'm doing it... Like, because I always have those thoughts at the back of my head, it makes what I do... Less worthwhile. Just touching, being in contact with animals makes me feel... Like it takes away from the goodness of the action, because those thoughts exist. The animals don't care, right? And the people I'm working with never notice a thing. It's never a thought that even occurs to them. But normal people don't have the thoughts I do. And it makes me feel like I'm... Hiding."
"Like a wolf in sheep's clothing."
Fluttershy's lip quirked up. "Maybe... A bad choice of words."
"Sorry." Sunset said quickly. "Like imposter syndrome. I can see what you mean. But you said it's not the only reason you work with animals, right?"
"Of course not." Fluttershy insisted. "Ever since I was a kid, it's what I've loved to do. I wanted to help animals. I wanted to help creatures that couldn't always help themselves."
"Well, then, that's what I want to know. The way you see it, that isn't... Attraction." Sunset prodded, shifting to her knees to focus her attention on Fluttershy's face.
Fluttershy was quiet, only thinking for a moment. As she thought, she lowered her hand to Angel's nose to let him sniff her, and Sunset noted the gentleness with which she did it. Immediately Sunset felt ashamed, for thinking even for a moment Fluttershy could be a degenerate monster. It was something she was embarrassed of, and more than that something she would never let influence her actions.
"The way I see it?" Fluttershy began. "The way I see it, an animal is... the perfect creature, because it's incapable of evil. When an animal turns its natural-given weapons on another and takes its life, it is not an evil act. It's just necessity. Some people will try to claim that, because of its inherent violence, it's a bad habit that needs to be bred or beaten out of them. But whether we like it or not, they're only engaging in a dance that life has hardwired into them. Nothing about it is cruel."
Fluttershy collected her thoughts. "Humans- And Equestrians, I suppose- are intelligent creatures. And that comes with some benefits, but it also comes with more than a few negatives. Depression, existentialism- These are all things animals don't have to be bothered with. If you want to look at it from a religious sense, they never ate the apple. They're closer to God then we'll ever be."
"We don't really have religion in Equestria." Sunset admitted. "It's easier when your god is... physical, and lives in the same castle as you do." Seeing Fluttershy's annoyed glare, she quickly backtracked. "B-but I get what you mean. It's an interesting way to look at it."
Fluttershy sighed and turned back to the rabbit. "But because they're such simple creatures, such an admirable way of living... They're also free of the concepts we understand as consent. Animals rape each other all the time, because there's no promise they'll live to see the next day. It's brutal, but it's the truth."
Sunset found herself surprised at how easily the word 'rape' slipped from her friend's mouth. It barely seemed to bother her, discussed in such a clinical context.
Fluttershy continued. "As intelligent beings, we bare certain responsibilities. Responsibilities to not kill and eat indiscriminately as the animals do, and to only m... Make love with consenting partners. Breaking those rules means we've forgone the blessing of intelligence."
"So when people... Like you... Can't control themselves..." Sunset said.
Fluttershy's knuckles tensed, but she didn't squeeze the rabbit she held. Her hands remained perfectly still.
"...I've seen how they do it. If I really wanted to, I could easily find their videos and websites, and sacrifice a part of myself in the process. I know some people will drug them, tie them down, whatever it takes to fill their sick lust. And because I feel that same lust... I hate to admit it, but I emphasize with them. But only to a point; A fine point, and no further." She quickly elaborated.
Sunset nodded. "You get where they're coming from..."
Fluttershy's gaze hardened. "...But I need to put my foot down where they're going. I know how Equestria handles its villains- Sympathy for the devil. And up until they reach that edge, I'll be with them. I want to help them, and guide them back to a healthy outlet, like I've found for myself. I've even tried helping a few people like that, online in forums and boards. But the moment they step off that edge... There's nothing I can do for them. They've taken the purest thing on earth, and twisted it to pleasure themselves. They deserve everything that's coming to them and more."
Sunset pursed her lips. "Is it something you wish you could change? In yourself, I mean. I know people have tried to say the same of... Of things like homosexuality, or asexuality, but this... genuinely isn't natural. It's a mental illness, isn't it? Do you wish you could cure it?"
Fluttershy shrugged feebly. "Maybe I could. But I'm... afraid."
Sunset hummed. "More afraid of what would happen if you were removed from it... Than of what could happen if you kept it?"
"I've lived this long with it, haven't I?" Fluttershy tittered. "I haven't hurt any animals. I would never- I could never, you know I couldn't."
"I know, I know." Sunset said. "I know you would never. But I've... I mean, I know I can't really relate, right? But I've suffered from intrusive thoughts before. When I'm handling knives, or blunt objects... I get that thought in my mind, of the ways I could hurt people with it. And I'd never do it. But I do wish I could be rid of it. Don't you?"
Fluttershy looked askance, hugging Angel to herself gently.
"...Maybe I could be rid of it. It's not something I'm proud of. Despite what some people say, it's not a sexuality, or an identity. It is a mental illness, and it's one I don't embrace so much as I put up with it. But I also..."
She set Angel down, and folded her hands away between her legs.
"...I couldn't." She whispered. "I don't know why. It's not pride, or enjoyment. I don't even know if it's fear. I just... couldn't."
Sunset frowned, seeing how tightly she held her hands together. After a moment, she scooched towards the girl and offered her arm. When she made eye contact she finished the gesture, wrapping it around Fluttershy's neck and holding her comfortably close.
"You're still my friend, Fluttershy." Sunset assured. "Nothing's going to change that."
"Are you going to tell the others?" Fluttershy asked shakily.
Sunset shook her head. "Our secret."
They fell silent again, watching Angel as he lowered his nose to the ground. He sniffed the grass, making a few half-hops around his immediate vicinity to inspect.
Sunset tapped her fingers on Fluttershy's shoulders.
"So... I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Is Angel... Someone you're..."
Fluttershy glared, unamused. "I'm not attracted to every animal, Sunset. Rabbits- How would I even-"
Sunset threw her hands up defensively. "Okay, okay! Just curious!"
