The Statue Anon Really Hates for Some Reason

by Burt

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Profanity, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Princess Luna, Anon, Comedy
Length: 1466

So what does he do? Attempt to destroy it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again.

At least that’s what Anon keeps telling Discord, as he continues to try and reduce his stoney complexion into dust.

What else is new?

Published 2023-10-22 18:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-10-22 18:30:01 UTC

Quite Frankly It Just Disgusts me

“If I killed you, would you die?”

“What kind of question is that, Anon?” Discord in all of his godly glory, found himself with a rapidly developing migraine - he was suppose to give those, damn it!

“The serious kind.”

“Well, I cannot be killed therefore I cannot die. Does that answer your inane question?”

“No.”

“No?”

“Nuh uh.”

“What an invigorating conversation.” Discord snorts. “If you have nothing more to say can you leave me alone?”

“I thought you hated being encased in stone?” Anon smiles not so innocently. “Don’t you get bored in there?”

“To say I’ve grown weary being inside a full body cast of stone would be an understatement-“

“So you wouldn’t mind if I tip you over and shattered you?”

“-however I’ve grown to appreciate silence in lieu of your company.”

Anon taps his forehead, face scrunching as if he’s thinking deeply, but the truth was there were no thoughts there. “Hm… I think I’m going to kill you now.”

“It’s not going to work.”

Anon is attempting to pull himself up the pedestal Discord stands on, failing miserably. Obscenely loud grunts escape him.

“…Really?” The god of chaos snarks.

“Hey, I’m- *argh* not that *huff* athletic.”

“That much is certain.”

Anon legs dangle a he tries to find purchase. “Oh… I’m gonna… kill you so… good when… *gah*”

“When you get up here?”

“Mhm!”

Discord sighs. “My, my.” His voice is exhausted. “Well I do hope you find yourself auspicious in this noble goal, my green fellow.” He was so damn tired, man.

Celestia giggles from her spot on the balcony, holding onto her tea cup with a giddy look in her eye.

“What has thee so jubilant?” Luna sits next to her with a thump, eyes blinking tiredly as she turns to face the alabaster alicorn. “And why must it involve us?”

“Anon’s trying to smash Discord into bits.”

Luna hums. “Again?” She blinks away crust from her eyes, she’s up early. And Celestia is up late. “Suppose that is why thine sun remains skywards?”

“Oops, sorry Luna. I can fix that!”

“No. Hmm. It will make it harder to watch the entertainment. Give our ponies a few more minutes of sun. We wish to watch the funny little green man thing.”

Celestia sighs happily. “Maybe he’ll succeed this time?”

Luna snorts. “We would like to assume that such a common occurrence would strengthen him. Yet he fails even still.”

“I wonder,” Celestia hums. “Does he know that the stone is enchanted to not shatter?”

“Let that be his reward.“ Now it’s Luna’s turn to giggle.

“Sweating. Fingers hurt. Made it so far…” Anon groans, arms trembling as he hangs off the edge of that great precipice. He’s so close. “Not- not gonna make it…” His brow was swamped with sweat. The strain on his fingers was too much. “I’ve tired so hard, and come so far,”

“You haven’t even moved.”

“But in the end, it didn’t even matter!” Anon cries. “S- save me Discord! I’m slipping!”

“…this is just sad.”

Anon’s fingers, one by one, lose purchase.”D- discord please.” He grunts. “Buddy, pal, friendo, you wouldn’t just let me-“ He squeaks as he falls. And what a drop it is. Would he be unlucky, and reach terminal velocity? “Diiiiieee-?!“ His scream cuts out with an *Oof!* as his back hits the grass, the wind knocked out of his lungs.

“Long live the king, etcetera etcetera. You will be sorely missed, chum.”

Anon groans. Before propping himself up by his arms, still prone, he points accusingly at the statue. “You seriously just let me fall to my death like that?!”

“What did you want me to do, catch you?”

“Yeah!”

“Anon. Tenacious creature of humanity. Last of his kind. Their first and only ambassador, you are a fucking retard.”

“Hmm. I feel as if something terrible has just happened.” Celestia brow clinched, a twinge in her chest leaving an unsettling sensation.

“Sister?”

“The creator… it’s as she’s cried out in pain.”

“…perhaps leaving Anonymous to pester Discord was a poor decision?”

“Perhaps.” Celestia relaxes her tensed muscles. “Quite weirdchamp, on god, for real for real.”

“Pray thee, why doth thine tongue thrash with the man’s colonialisms that we cannot comprehend?”

“They sound silly, and make me smile.”

Luna sighs. “What curious times we live in.”

“The future is now, old mare.”

“I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU.” Anon screeches, green skin turning red with rage.

“A-Anon calm down, I apologize!”

“Sorry,” Anon turned green once more and coughed into his fist. “Almost lost my cool there.”

“…okay?”

“Just forget that happened.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah… sorry. That word just reminds me of my time in high school.”

“Bad memories?”

“Good ones actually.”

“…okay.” Discord inhales deeply. “What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing. I’m the perfect human being.”

“I’m… sure you are.”

“Thanks buddy. Can’t afford doubters in my inner circle.”

“Anon, we are not friends. You’ve been trying to kill me for twenty years.”

“Ain’t that what friends do though?”

“…no.”

“Shit.” Anon’s brow knots in confusion. “Have I been doing it wrong this whole time?”

“Yes.”

“Damn.”

“Are you going to try this again tomorrow?”

“Yeah probably.”

Discord can’t contain himself. “You’re definitely retarded.”

*“Hrk!*” Celestia’s chest flashes with pain, her hoof grasp at the area.

“Tia?!”

“It’s… it’s Discord, somethings wrong!” Suddenly, the solar princess is standing. “We- we have to stop him!”

Luna can hardly keep up with her sister, as she takes to flight.

“I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!”

“You’re repeating yourself.”

“RAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” Anon throws his fists out. “I’m a monster yo!”

“I don’t doubt it.” For once in what seemed like a lifetime, Discord was amused. “Jump up here and prove you’re a monster, then?” He could feel it. Power suddenly growing, fueled by Anon’s never ending autistic rage.

“I will!” Anon sprints as hard as he can, jumps, and rebounds off the stone breaking several bones in his body. “Ow, ow, ow, ow.” He whimpers, holding his head with dislocated hands. “Oh god oh god, it hurts!”

“Are you… alright?” Discord can feel the stone crack.

“Ah… ah… ah! N-never… never better.”

“Are you crying?”

“No!”

“Cease!” Celestia arrived from the sky with a harsh thump. “Anon! You play with powers outside your control- are you… crying?”

“N-no!” Anon wipes the snot from his nose and dripping mascara from his eyes. “I’m just uh… taken back by your immense uh, beauty?”

“Apt word choice, calling her immense.” Discord chuckles before the stone explodes and he’s free. “It’s been so long, Celestia!”

“Discord! You dastardly Villain, you shall never inherit power over this world ever again-“

“I’m gonna go get some coffee. And donuts. Maybe see if cigarettes have been invented yet.” The God of Chaos simply meanders away from everyone.

Anon sniffles. “They haven’t.”

“Drat.” Discord’s voice carries as if it was still next to the others, even as he disappears out of site.

There goes my hero, watch him as he goes.

“We must give chase, Tia! Less he stain any gracious coffee shop!”

“I concur, we cannot allow the debasement of any pastries!” Celestia gets ready to join her sister in a dead sprint.

“Ow.” Anon croaks, bones cracking as he attempts to move himself. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow-“

“Oh! Anon my friend I’m so sorry for forgetting about you, my mind was, uh, occupied!” Celestia laughs nervously. “Let’s get you fixed up dear, and then after that monster!”

The group of beast, man, and pony sit together in a slightly musty coffee shop. The man tries to sip his brew, but his recently straightened fingers refuse to allow him such a thing, the padded guards making it awfully difficult.

Celestia tsks. “Let me help you, Anonymous.” Her magic lifts the cup up to his slightly swollen face, wrapped in bandages.

“Thanks, Tia.” He groans as the sweet nectar brushes past his lips.

“We dare say, ‘tis quite a fine establishment.” Luna says in-between munching on a donut. Chocolate, and recently dipped in black coffee. The creep.

“Anon,” Discord hums. “Did you sprinkle ricin in my coffee.”

“No…” Anon mumbles through a mouth full of expresso.

“I recognize that taste anywhere. How’d you know it was my favourite?”

“…lucky guess.” The human grunts.

“I love seeing my little ponies get along.” Celestia sighs happily.

Anon glares at Discord - Discord smugly smiles back.

Alls well that ends well.

Anon suddenly vomits back up his coffee. “I-I think I might have drain bamage.” He slurs.

“That much was already certain.”

Alls well, that ends well.

Author's Note

I meant to release this yesterday but I literally forgot, y’all my brain is shrinking.