Fluttertective & The House of Laughs
It really was astounding how nice the Everfree Forest was when Fluttershy had nothing to really be afraid of. Having a reality-bending friend helped with that.
The werewolf that had chosen her as prey was currently wearing a clown wig and nose, and being manipulated like a puppet to ride a unicycle in a circle, all while juggling flaming chainsaws.
Discord hovered in front of it. The draconequus slowly floated backwards, smiling smugly in the face of the once ravenous beast, who'd had the ill manners to try and eat a certain butter-colored pegasus. "Have you learned your lesson yet?"
The exhausted monstrosity looked up, panting and afraid. "No eat pony?" it said in a distorted voice.
In a poof of purple smoke, Discord was wearing a dark green suit, white shirt, blonde wig, and wire-rim glasses. "Hm. You don't sound sure." His tone was somehow both overly deadpan, and condescending.
"Discord…" Fluttershy warned.
"Hmph. Fine. I'll mark it correct, for now." He snapped his fingers, and both his own outfit and that of the werewolf disappeared. The terrified lycanthrope wasted no time sprinting off into the woods.
"Well, with that minor distraction taken care of…" Discord clapped happily. "We can finally get down to brass tacks!"
"Why did you bring me all the way out here?" Fluttershy asked. "Let alone in the middle of the night?"
"Night time is the best time to visit an amusement park!" Discord replied. "It gives a much better atmosphere!"
Fluttershy glanced around the pitch blackness. "I don't see an amusement park." She could barely even see Discord.
"Really?" Discord put a finger to his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm. I don't see one either. Let's fix that! Take one step left, and three steps forward."
Hesitantly, Fluttershy did so.
As soon as she took the third step, the woods lit up with reds, blues, and purples. The rainbow of lights and cavalcade of carnival music caught her legitimately off-guard. In an instant, she'd gone from a thick forest lit only by the moon, to the entranceway of an amusement park. From where she stood, she could see a ferris wheel, at least two roller coasters, and several other tall buildings she couldn't quite make out the purpose of.
Discord used a finger to close Fluttershy's dropped jaw. The draconequus had at some point put himself in a red velvet jacket and tophat, like a ringmaster might wear. "Welcome to the House of Laughs!"
"House of… Laughs?" Fluttershy echoed. "What is this place?"
"Well, it's kind of a long story!" Discord snapped his fingers. He was still in the ringmaster outfit, but now sat in an armchair, and held a picture book. He held up a page showing himself in a kingly robe and crown, with some shadowy, malformed figures kneeling at his feet. "You see, when you opened your animal sanctuary, it inspired a couple of my monstrous little friends to try something similar!"
"Oh! So it's a sanctuary for monsters?" Fluttershy asked. "That's a really nice idea actually!"
"Indeed! So I granted those little monsters a lovely little pocket dimension out in the woods!" He turned the page to an image of himself with angelic wings and a halo, hovering over the amusement park. "And also helped grease the process of getting the paperwork through, which was surprisingly fun. Equestria's monster hunters are such shrewd negotiators when it comes to places their quarries are safe, that it is immensely fun to intimidate them into compliance!"
"Discord…" Fluttershy said in disappointment.
"What? They tried to do the same thing!" Discord replied. "It's their custom or something! I don't know! Anyway, the reason I brought you here is to introduce my new friends to my best friend!"
Fluttershy's smile returned. "I'd love to meet your new friends! Um… they're not too scary, are they?"
"Not at all, not at all!" Discord took off his hat, wiggling the fingers of his lion hand. "Nothing up my sleeve!"
He plunged his arm into the hat.
Fluttershy braced herself for some horrifying, demonic monstrosity.
Instead, he pulled out the cutest ball of fluff Fluttershy had ever seen.
The creature slightly resembled a pony, but with massive amounts of purple fluff covering her entire body, barely contained by a red ringmaster coat and black tophat identical to Discord's.
"Wha—?" She looked around for a moment, then smiled broadly, dropping from Discord's grasp to give Fluttershy an enthusiastic hoofshake. "Ohmygosh! Hi there! You must be Fluttershy! Discord has told me soooo much about you!"
Fluttershy was nearly vibrating on the spot from the power of that shake. This one had energy to rival Pinkie Pie, which was no small feat. “H-hello. It’s nice to meet you. Do you help manage this place too?” It didn’t take her long to figure out the gimmick with their choice of uniform.
“That’s right!” Her grin was so wide that it would look unnatural on a normal pony. So again, kinda like Pinkie Pie. “My name is Twitchy Toes, T.T. for short! I’m a kackling!”
Fluttershy paused. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m not sure I’ve heard of…” She didn’t want to end that sentence with ‘your kind’, but wasn’t sure how else to end it and got stuck in a perpetual feedback loop.
Thankfully, Discord was there to bail her out. “She’s a tickle monster. You know, like parents tease their children about, except much much scarier.”
Fluttershy giggled. “Awww. That doesn’t sound so scary.”
Twitchy licked her lips, looking pleased. “Yum! We feed on laughter, by the way. So a lot of us have a smaaaaaall problem with accidentally asphyxiating our prey, resulting in a bunch of mysterious suffocated bodies being found and—WHOOP!” Several feather-tipped tentacles burst out from under her fluff for a few seconds before she forced them back under. “Sorry about that! Got peckish!”
"...Oh." Fluttershy shrank back a little, before finding her words again. "Well... Any friend of Discord's is a friend of mine! I can't imagine he'd be friends with you if you were going to hurt anypony."
"Dawww! That's nice of you to say!" Twitchy said. "Yeah. We've got a whole system for making sure all the monsters here can eat without anypony getting hurt."
"What sorts of creatures do you have here?" Fluttershy asked curiously.
"Lots!" Twitchy replied, tentickles again popping out, but wagging like dogs' tails. It was hard not to find it adorable. "We've got your more standard spooks, like vampires, werebeasts, a few undead, etcetera etcetera. Some different kinds of shapeshifters. Anything you might call a monster, really. We've also got a pretty solid population of ghosts."
Instantly, Fluttershy went from interested to knock-kneed terrified. "G-g-g-g-g...?"
Discord reached into Fluttershy's ear and pulled out a vinyl record. Seeing it had a scratch on it, he scrubbed it off. He then pressed on her head to open her mouth wide, placed the record inside, and closed her mouth again.
"Ghosts!?" Fluttershy finally whimpered.
“Ghosts!” Twitchy said cheerfully back. “Oh, but they’re not that scary. I mean, they try to be because that’s part of their job to entertain guests, but they’re mostly harmless. The most they’ll do is jumpscare you or occasionally possess you to do a silly dance or something!”
Fluttershy stared wide-eyed and trembling, not looking terribly assured.
“Perhaps you should meet some,” Discord offered. “Hopefully then you can adapt to their presence. And if not, well…” He was suddenly wearing a brown jumpsuit and wielding a proton pack. Or was that a vacuum cleaner? “We could always do some housekeeping!”
“No!” Fluttershy squeaked out. “Y-you shouldn’t punish them if they’re not doing anything wrong. M-maybe I should meet s-some of them.” As shaky as her voice was suggesting that.
"Maybe you should start smaller," Twitchy offered. "Discord, why don’t you show her around the park? Let her relax a little before doing anything scary."
"Good idea!" Discord turned into an armored knight with a shield and lance, sitting lightly on Fluttershy's back. "Onwards, brave steed!"
It was enough to lighten Fluttershy's mood, and make her giggle, giving Twitchy another snack. "Okay, where to?"
"I think the big top is a good place to see what we're all about!" Discord decided, juggling the armor, helmet, shield, and lance, before tossing them up to swallow them all with a belch. "Apologies. Doctor says I need to eat more iron."
He showed her to the massive, red-and-white striped tent in the middle of the park. "Those monster hunters I mentioned helped recruit some staff to ensure all the monsters and mortals stay safe," Discord explained, holding the tent flap open for her. "The big top is both for occasional shows, and a place for them to meet."
They emerged into a big, three-ring circus. It wasn't super populated at the moment, but a few ponies and other species were dotted about.
Discord hovered over the first ring, on the far right. It had been built with picnic tables and a big, brick fire pit. Someone had plugged a vending machine in with an extension cord that stretched outside. "First up, we have the Meander Ring! A little recreational spot for them to eat and take a break!"
He zoomed over to the middle ring. This one had several rows of chairs, a TV, slide projector, and podium with a microphone. "Next, we've got the Bicker Ring! This is where everybody gathers for updates, news, and announcements! As well as conflict resolution, when that’s not being resolved in our third ring.”
Finally, he flew over to the leftmost ring. This one had something that made Fluttershy blanch a little; weapon racks full of swords, daggers, hammers, and other combat tools. There was also a roped-off ring of dirt, like a combat arena. "Lastly, it’s the Endure Ring! We don't allow barbarism here, unless absolutely necessary, buuuut the hunters are a bit of a barbaric bunch, and having a place to train keeps them civil. Also, getting to spar with the monsters helps them bond." He poofed into a poofy, white shirt and blue overcoat, with Fluttershy in a gold dress. "Just like you and me!"
That settled Fluttershy's nerves, returning a smile to her lips. "That's a really nice idea. Good puns, too. Though it's unusually organized for you."
"Oh, I didn't set all this up!" Discord snapped the outfits away. Fluttershy was disappointed, as it was a really nice dress. "That'd be Silver. Silver!"
A silver unicorn in the Bicker Ring glanced in their direction, and teleported over. She had a poofy, curly mane and tail, that looked like steel wool, a cutie mark of a black cloud with a lighter lighting, and campfire-orange eyes. "Hello there! Can I help you?"
"Silver, this is Fluttershy," Discord introduced with a courtly flourish. "Fluttershy, this is Silver Lining. The…" He conjured a clipboard, squinting at it. "...park director."
Silver laughed good-naturedly. "You never did see the point in order. Anyways, yeah. I'm the one keeping this gaggle of kooks and spooks from eating each other."
Fluttershy laughed a little. "Well, it's good to know someone's looking after everyone. It must be hard to keep everypony in line. I only manage normal animals, and even that can be a hoof-full."
"Less-powerful spooks tend to look up to the local demon," Silver replied with a chuckle.
Fluttershy paused. "Demon? Is that a metaphor?"
Silver winked, sticking her tongue out. Her open eye had actual flames in it. "Nope!"
Fluttershy took a few steps back, swallowing nervously.
Discord growled a bit. "Don't push the scares on Fluttershy."
Silver's eye went back to normal. "Sorry. Didn't mean to."
"It's okay…" Fluttershy hid behind a wing. "It's um… still nice to meet you."
Before things could get more awkward, there was a loud scuffle from nearby.
In the Meander Ring, two mares were rolling on the ground, brawling. Fluttershy was less terrified by the violence, and more by the fact that they were both semi-transparent. Oh no…
"Hey, HEY!" Discord struggled to pick them up by the scruffs of their necks as his hands passed right through them. "Hold… still… oh to heck with it. ZA WARUDO!" There was the sound of a ticking clock, and both mares froze in time, allowing Discord to telekinetically lift them both up. "I might not have a steamroller, but I can still flatten a couple of uppity ghosts!"
One of the ghosts was a brown-furred pegasus with a pixie-cut, white mane and short tail, dressed in a train conductor's uniform. "She started it!"
The other was a very pale earth pony mare, with an absurdly long, stringy, black mane. Her mouth opened in a silent wail, but no sound came out.
"I don't care who started it! I'm ending it!" Discord snapped.
Fluttershy blinked. She'd never seen Discord be stern before.
The ghosts flinched, not meeting his gaze.
Discord dropped them. The train conductor plopped on her plot, while the pale mare hovered in midair. "Both of you, go see Clarity, and tell her what you did. She can decide what your punishment is."
Both apparitions hung their heads, but obeyed, hurrying out of the tent instead of risking Discord's wrath.
Discord teleported himself and Fluttershy over to a table in the Meander Ring. "Sorry about that! Those two are always at each other's transparent throats." He produced a teapot, and poured them both a cup.
"I've never seen you like that," Fluttershy admitted.
Now it was Discord's turn to flinch. "I hope I didn't frighten you."
"Not at all!" She assured quickly. "It's nice seeing how much you care about this place, and keeping it all in one piece."
Discord's smile actually seemed a little embarrassed.
They enjoyed their tea in relative silence for a few minutes, before Fluttershy started trying to find the nerve to speak up. "You know… you've clearly put a lot of work into making this place safe. If you want, I could… maybe…"
Discord looked at her, raising an eyebrow. "Yes?"
She had to force the words out. "...try… meeting a few ghosts? Maybe in a…" She really didn't want to say it, but did anyway. "...haunted house."
Discord had to visibly try not to grin. "Are you sure? You don't have to, you know."
"I… I am!" She steeled her nerves. "You clearly put a lot of work into this, and I trust you!"
"Excelleeeent!" Discord was suddenly beaming much more widely than even Twitchy. Not maliciously, just with sheer excitement that told her he was about to do something poorly-thought-out. "We have a world-class haunted house here, you know! I can even teleport you right to my favorite part so that you can skip the lines! I have some quick business to take care of, making sure those two actually did what I said, then I'll be right behind you!"
"Oh, I don't think that's nec—"
Discord snapped his fingers.
"—essary."
Fluttershy now found herself in a room. It looked a bit like the inside of a farmhouse, with wooden furniture, and some kind of taxidermied head on the wall, but it was hard to tell, because the entire room was partly enshrouded in a thin, white fog. She could tell where she was going, but all the furniture was mainly just shapes.
"...Discord?" Fluttershy called out, her voice barely above a whisper. "O-okay, I'm properly spooked. You can come out now. D-Discord?" She bit her lip, too afraid to even move from her spot.
No response.
You can do this, Fluttershy. Put on a brave face and just take one... step... at a time.
She took one step, and the floorboard creaked loudly.
"Eep!" Fluttershy burst into a sprint, looking for the nearest hiding place. She settled on an old wardrobe over in the corner and threw herself inside, closing the doors behind her. She was still alone and terrified, but now she was alone and terrified in the dark. Maybe not the best course of action in hindsight.
She waited in there for quite a while, too scared to come out. It was surprisingly quiet. Surely she should at least be hearing screams from somewhere else in the haunted house?
But then she heard another floorboard creak. She shuffled around a bit, trembling slightly as she peeked out of a crack in the wardrobe door. She couldn't see much, because of the fog and her narrow point of view.
More floorboard creaks.
Something entered the room. She could only see its vague outline, but it was bigger, and bulkier than a normal pony. It looked lumpy, almost deformed. Fluttershy put her hooves over her mouth, trying not to make any noise.
Whatever this strange creature was, it made a tiny groan, and mumbled something she couldn't quite hear. As it got closer, Fluttershy could hear a familiar humming; the sound of magic.
It moved out of Fluttershy's tiny cone of vision. But she could still hear it. She heard a different, longer creak, then jumped a little as she was startled by a series of meaty thud sounds.
Whatever it was, it sounded so horrible that she wanted to close her eyes and press her hooves over her ears until it stopped. But she didn't. She was scared, too scared to move at all, even to block it all out.
Nothing else happened, and all had gone quiet.
Fluttershy waited several moments longer, wanting to be absolutely sure it was over. Finally, she placed a trembling hoof on the wardrobe door and slowly pushed it open.
The silence was suddenly broken again, this time by the sound of her own scream.
Seated in a rocking chair in the middle of the room was the dead body of a unicorn mare.
Fluttershy was screaming for a good, solid minute.
The corpse had her mouth hung open. She was orange, wearing a blue collared shirt and black tie, with a gold badge that said security.
But that was all the detail Fluttershy got before she was up and galloping. The door didn't budge when she desperately tried it, and she had to shove hard to get it to open. Several spooks tried to jump out and scare her on the way to freedom. Two ghosts, some kind of goblin, and somepony with a chainsaw. But she rushed right by. Her heart couldn't possibly beat any faster than it already was, its speed surpassed only by her hooves.
She didn't stop until she bumped into the belly of a very confused draconequus.
"Fluttershy?" he asked, uncharacteristically concerned. Uncharacteristically around anypony else at least. "I'd say you look like you've seen a ghost, but I imagine you've encountered several. My apologies, I told them to go easy on you." In an instant, Discord was back in his ghostbusting garb. "Normally, I'd never repeat a visual gag, but this is a serious matter."
"N-n-not g-g-g-ghosts..." she managed to get out.
"Oh? Then what was it? Vampires? Mummies? Another werebeast in need of obedience training?"
"B-b-b-body..."
"...I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific than that."
She swallowed. "D-dead... body..."
"Zombies then? Odd, they're not scheduled until next week's showing—"
"DISCORD!" Fluttershy took a deep breath, finally managing to compose herself. Somewhat. "That room you took me to... there's a dead body in it."
That actually managed to give even Discord some pause. "And you're fairly certain it's not supposed to be there?"
She nodded weakly, still shaking.
Several nearby ponies clearly overheard. She saw their ears perk up a little bit.
Discord snapped his fingers, and a clipboard appeared in his hand. "I see, I see. In that case, we’d better get up there.”
In a flash, they were back in the farmhouse room.
Fluttershy cowered behind Discord as he leaned in to examine the corpse. "Hm. Yep. That's a real corpse. Seems somepony's been stabbed."
"W-w-what do we do?" Fluttershy asked.
To her surprise, Discord actually looked pensive and unsure. "...I, ah... don't suppose we can just go get some tea and pretend this never happened?"
Despite trembling, Fluttershy still managed to frown in disappointment. "Discord!"
He huffed. "I thought not." He did look a little guilty at least. "Burglar Alarm. I know her. She was one of the employees sent by those monster hunters I mentioned. Something about safety codes or something like that. I'll have to write a letter to the Guard to—"
"There's no need for that."
The door to the room was open. A gaggle of odd ponies had apparently followed them. Fluttershy recognized a couple of them from the crowd who had eavesdropped on her telling Discord about the body.
The speaker stepped forward. She was a unicorn, gold from head to hoof, and wearing a long, red cape, and black tophat. She was flanked by a big, gray earth pony in steel plate armor, and a perky, purple bat pony in a worn, black coat and glasses, with a book bag at her side.
"The death of a hunter is a matter for the Hunt," the gray stallion informed. "The Guard has no jurisdiction."
The gold unicorn nodded. "We expected something like this to happen. We're prepared to handle it."
"Um... Discord?" Fluttershy asked. "Who are they?"
"Remember how I said I had help from Equestria's monster hunters?" Discord replied. He gestured to the three ponies. "They claim they have to be here for ‘safety' or some other word made up by disgruntled people in hard hats."
"To be fair, we do stop parkgoers from getting eaten or possessed a lot," the bat pony pointed out.
"Oh thank goodness!" Fluttershy quickly told them her story, and what she'd seen. But she trailed off when she noticed that Discord had his arms folded, glowering at the trio.
Fluttershy was bracing herself to stop Discord from doing something silly. She'd never seen him so obviously annoyed by somepony without smiting them somehow.
But it didn't happen for some reason. It was just kind of an awkward staredown.
"Take your friend outside," the unicorn said. "Let us handle this. We wouldn't want to cause a panic."
"Oh fine," Discord said, turning away with a huff like a jilted actor. "Let's go, Fluttershy." He snapped his fingers, instantly poofing them both away before anypony could protest.
They reappeared in front of the nearest funnel cake stand, accidentally cutting the line in the process. "H-hey!" said the owner, a yellow earth pony who was furry enough to either be a werebeast or part griffon. "I don't care who you are, you can't just—"
Discord snapped his fingers again, instantly dropping a finished funnel cake into the hooves of every other pony in line, followed by their exact payment in bits on the counter. "Two, please."
The pony grumbled, but got to work anyway.
"Are you okay?" Fluttershy asked, even more worried than usual. "I don't think I've ever seen you like this."
"Considering somepony I knew just died at my establishment," Discord replied. "I think I can safely say that I'm not the happiest chaos god at the park."
A one-eyed, floating yellow triangle in a black tophat hovered by, holding a bunch of stuffed animals from various carnival game booths. "I get out of jail, I win a bunch of prizes at an amusement park, AND someone died! Today's such a good day! I'm the happiest chaos god in this whole park!" He left through a portal.
"Who was that?" Fluttershy asked.
"No one important," Discord answered. "He's mad at me for putting him in prison. Now that he's out on parole, he shows up on occasion to get back at me by cheating at the carnival games. But back on topic, no. I'm not particularly okay."
"Don't worry, it's going to be alright," she said, patting his side reassuringly. "I know I didn't exactly take it well myself. I'm honestly still pretty frightened. But if those monster hunters are as good as you say they are, I'm sure they'll have this all sorted out in no time."
"Bleh. I just don't need this sort of havoc when the House is still so young. And I'm usually all about havoc!" A frothy mug appeared in his hand, which he downed just to make a point. Followed by its contents. "Don't worry, it was apple cider. I have enough on my plate without getting censored too. Now I’ll only be censored in the UK…”
"Believe me, I can tell how much this means to you. If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know."
That at least got a smile out of him. "Thank you, Fluttershy. Hopefully, this will all blow over, and I won't have to take you up on that off—"
Click
Discord looked down in surprise, a pair of black metal hoofcuffs had been placed over his hands.
"Boom!" The bat pony threw her hooves up in celebration. "Both hands, first try!"
"What's the meaning of this?" Discord didn't sound particularly panicked. Just confused.
"We have solid reason to believe that you were the one behind this murder," the unicorn informed, nose in the air. "While our investigation isn't finished, you're our primary suspect. Hence the anti-magic cuffs to keep you from fleeing."
"Cute." Discord casually brought his tail around and picked the lock with it, causing the cuffs to fall ineffectually to the ground. "But I've been depowered one time too many not to learn from my mistakes. Now, I'll ask again. What exactly is this 'solid reasoning' of yours?"
"That's right!" Fluttershy said, finding her voice to stand up for him. "You can't just accuse him like this without hard evidence!" She looked back at him. "Um, am I saying that right?"
"Sounds perfect to me," he said with a smile.
"H-hey now!" the bat pony said, taking a step back. "You can't just circumvent our investigative procedures! I practiced that trick for, like, months!"
"Please. I predate the very concept of a legal system. I don't mesh well with Law and especially not Order. But if you insist on imprisoning me..." A giant birdcage appeared around him, Discord sitting idly on its perch. "Oh woe is me. Trapped and helpless."
"Your funnel cake," the yellow pony said, setting his down on the counter.
"Ah, thank you." Discord poofed it into the cage with him.
"Got plenty of evidence," the earth pony replied. "But like she said. Ain't arresting him yet. Just gotta keep the suspect in one spot. 'specially him. Flight risk."
"Discord isn't a flight risk," argued Fluttershy.
The unicorn scoffed. "You think he couldn't vanish into the wind, given the chance?"
"Well, no, that's not what I mean." Fluttershy looked away nervously. "I meant that if Discord actually did it, and you accused him, he'd be doing skits, jokes, and weird pop-culture references about it. Not running."
"Thank you!" Discord threw his hands up in frustration. "At least somepony knows me well enough."
"Maybe you could let him look around and defend himself?" Fluttershy asked.
The three shared a look.
"Might be good," the earth pony pondered. "Though might screw up the crime scene if he's guilty."
"Or if he's not," the unicorn pointed out. "We all know his reputation for… antics."
"Awww. Come on!" Discord snapped his fingers. In a flash, he was wearing a red smoking jacket and brown deerstalker cap, with a magnifying glass in his hand. "It's only fair!"
Fluttershy also wore a brown suit, bowler hat, and mustache. "He's right! Just because he's a reality-bending trickster god doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to defend himself."
"Then again, I also know nothing of serious detective work, and I AM rather lacking in the serious department in general." Discord tapped his chin thoughtfully, then brightened. "Aha! I have an idea! Fluttershy, you're quite the smart mare."
Suddenly, Fluttershy was in the deerstalker cap and smoking jacket, and Discord was in the suit, hat, and mustache. She tried to catch the magnifying glass, but fumbled and dropped it. "Oh my… um… I don't know about that."
"You tracked the Cutie Mark Crusaders through half the Everfree when they went off chasing that cockatrice," Discord pointed out. "Surely you can notice a few tiny details to prove my innocence."
"But I also fell for Starlight's cult message," Fluttershy argued. "I think I'm a little too gullible for that."
"So we'll work together!" Discord replied. "You keep me from doing anything stupid, I'll keep you from believing anything stupid!"
"Like the idea that you're innocent…?" the unicorn muttered.
Fluttershy turned, making hard, unblinking eye contact with her, saying nothing.
The unicorn met her gaze for a moment or two, before flinching. "Sorry…"
Her smile returning, Fluttershy turned to Discord. "Okay, Discord. I'm in. Um… if that's okay."
"I suspect they'll argue you're not in the Hunt," Discord replied. "So let's fix that! Do you so solemnly swear, yadda yadda yadda, I hereby declare you an honorary huntress of the House of Laughs." He conjured a sword to tap her on both shoulders.
Fluttershy couldn't help but stand a little straighter.
The unicorn cleared her throat. "Very well. I suppose it couldn't hurt. Welcome… huntress." She said that last word like it hurt.
The bat pony snickered.
"My name is Gold Star, of the House of Blood," the unicorn informed. "The earth pony is Shatter, of the House of Steel, and the bat pony is Slow Drip, of the House of Mind."
"Suuuuup," the bat pony greeted. "You can call me Drippy."
"Don't call me Shat," Shatter warned. "Please."
“Of course not,” Discord replied. “I’m far too classy for toilet humor.”
He growled.
"You two, go search the other areas of interest that we discussed," Gold instructed Drippy and Shatter. "I'll escort these two to the crime scene."
"You know you're not in charge of us, right?" asked Drippy.
"In inter-House matters, rank takes precedent!" Gold shot back, turning her nose up.
"But I'm like a hundred years older than you!" Drippy argued. "And by the rules of your House, I should be in charge of you, since I'm an actual vampire!"
That clearly touched a nerve. Now it was Gold glaring into Drippy's soul. "GO!"
Drippy, clearly just satisfied at getting under the rude unicorn's skin, skipped merrily off. "See you guys later!"
Gold huffed, straightening her jacket collar. "Let's get moving."
The merry band made their way back to the crime scene, some merrier than others.
"So why aren't you a vampire anyway?" Discord asked innocently, doing backstrokes around Gold Star's horn. "You must agree with their principles to be a member of the House, and I hear their health benefits are really quite stellar. Immortality for instance..."
"That's none of your business," Gold huffed. "And it has nothing to do with the case."
"Well, that has yet to be determined I would say. That is our job, yes?"
"We already determined plenty. You're just here to see it for yourself."
Soon enough, they were back at the crime scene. That fabled farmhouse room where Burglar Alarm's body still sat. Despite seeing it already, Fluttershy still quivered at the sight. "I'm not so sure I can do this..."
"You better believe ya can, kid!" Discord was suddenly behind her, donned in a pink sweater and black beanie, massaging her shoulders. "You gotta git out there and you gotta find those clues, and you gotta make those deductions! C'mon, show me some investi-gumption, kid! 'Cause Discord loves ya!"
She took a deep breath. Alright. Deep breaths.
Confidence: 5/5
Discord glanced aside and whispered. “I thought some visual aids might spice things up a bit.”
Fluttershy tried to distract herself while she calmed down. "So... What happens if you are found guilty?"
"Hm?" Discord seemed taken aback by the implication. "That is a good question. It's not like you'll actually be able to harm me."
"That may or may not be true," Gold confirmed. "Even if we do have methods, which I'm not saying we do, your friends in high places would make them politically risky to use without royal permission. But I can guarantee you'll be expelled from your position in the House of Laughs. Anything further than that, we can leave up to the ones who turned you to stone twice."
Fluttershy saw Discord's brow furrow not at the idea of being turned to stone, but of being expelled from the House of Laughs. For once, the draconequus had nothing to say in return.
And of course, the weight of the grim responsibility on her shoulders made Fluttershy actively collapse.
Confidence -5!
Confidence 0/5
Game Over!
Fluttershy flopped onto her back like a fainting goat.
“Oh dear. That didn’t work as well as I hoped. But I know just how to fix it!” Discord spawned a squawking phoenix in one hand and then threw the phoenix down at her, watching the bird bounce off her prone form uselessly. “Bah! False advertising! I knew that wasn’t the right Phoenix.”
“Are you quite done?” Gold asked dryly.
“No, no, we’re just getting started, really!” Sorry, Fluttershy. I really didn’t want to do this to you again.
He leaned down and calmly placed a single claw on the pegasi’s forehead.
Hypnotic spirals danced across Fluttershy's vision. She felt her fears and anxiety clear away. Not her normal everyday ones, just the ones keeping her on the floor.
She slowly climbed to her hooves, shaking her head to clear the hypnotic daze. "Thank you, Discord. I feel better now. Okay, Gold. I think I'm ready."
"Feel free to look around," Gold offered. "I'll stay here to make sure neither of you tamper with anything."
Fluttershy nodded as she stepped towards the body. She shuddered a little. Alright, Fluttershy. You can do this. You just have to answer one simple question: Who killed this pony? She shuddered slightly at the thought.
"Who is she anyway?" Fluttershy asked Discord. "I remember you said her name was Burglar Alarm."
"She's the Spookhouse security guard," Discord replied. "A tough, no-nonsense mare. She was fun to mess with. It's tragic that she's gone."
Of course, not being a detective, Fluttershy wasn't really sure where to start. Maybe I should think back to what I saw, first. That's a good first step.
She heard another floorboard creak. She shuffled around a bit, trembling slightly as she peeked out of a crack in the wardrobe door. She couldn't see much, because of the fog and her narrow point of view.
More floorboard creaks.
"Floorboard creaks. That's important, right? I guess that's probably somepony walking."
Clue: Creaking Floorboards. Fluttershy heard creaking floorboards as someone walked into the room.
Something entered the room. She could only see its vague outline, but it was bigger, and bulkier than a normal pony. It looked lumpy, almost deformed. Fluttershy put her hooves over her mouth, trying not to make any noise.
"So whatever it was was big and bulky. Even from what little I could see, it didn't look like a pony at all. Maybe it was some kind of monster?"
Clue: Bulky Shadow. Fluttershy saw a bulky, strange shape in the dark, right before she found the body.
Whatever this strange creature was, it made a tiny groan, and mumbled something she couldn't quite hear. As it got closer, Fluttershy could hear a familiar humming; the sound of magic.
"Whatever it was, it could talk and use magic. I think that's definitely important.
Clue: Mysterious Whispers. The figure Fluttershy saw muttered something quietly, meaning it could speak.
Clue: Magic Noises. The figure Fluttershy saw was using magic to do something, meaning that it's magically capable.
It moved out of Fluttershy's tiny cone of vision. But she could still hear it. She heard a different, longer creak, then jumped a little as she was startled by a series of meaty thud sounds.
"I don't know what those noises were, but I don't like them."
Clue: Meaty Thuds. Fluttershy heard an odd series of fleshy thud noises. They happened in rapid succession.
Whatever it was, it sounded so horrible that she wanted to close her eyes and press her hooves over her ears until it stopped. But she didn't. She was scared, too scared to move at all, even to block it all out.
Nothing else happened, and all had gone quiet.
Fluttershy waited several moments longer, wanting to be absolutely sure it was over. Finally, she placed a trembling hoof on the wardrobe door and slowly pushed it open.
Fluttershy let out a breath as she opened her eyes. None of what I saw is good. All it gives me is more questions.
"Are you planning to investigate at some point or just stare at the body all night?" Gold asked impatiently.
Fluttershy blushed, a little embarrassed that she'd just been standing there for so long.
But Discord, for whom a week was basically a blink, just scoffed. "Weren't you paying attention? That was like two pages of gathering clues. You'd think a real investigator would do better note-taking."
He snapped his fingers, covering the unicorn in bright, yellow sticky notes, one of which was affixed to her horn. She glared, horn glowing as she blasted them all off. "Just examine the body before I lose my patience." She took a breath. "Please."
"I'm sorry," Fluttershy said softly. "Discord's a friend I really care about. So I'm trying to be thorough. I was just thinking back to what I saw while I was in the cabinet."
She stepped up to the body, shivering a bit. Even with animals, she always hated being around dead things. It thankfully hadn't been long enough for the body to smell.
Burglar sat back in the rocking chair, mouth agape.
Okay. Let's start with what we know. Burglar was a security guard here, and Discord liked to mess with her.
Clue: Burglar Alarm. Burglar was a security guard at the House of Laughs. She was quite strict, and Discord enjoyed toying with her.
She hesitantly reached out and touched the rocking chair itself, which creaked a little at her touch. It still made her jump. Why WAS the body arranged like this? It could've just been left on the floor.
Clue: Rocking Chair. Burglar Alarm is sitting in an old-fashioned, wooden rocking chair. Was she deliberately placed here?
She winced a little at the sight of four bloody knives, plunged into her chest and back, two each. The ones in her back stuck through the back of the rocking chair. The closer she looked, the crueler it all seemed. And surely there were easier ways to k-kill somepony. Not that I would know.
Clue: Multiple Stab Wounds. Burglar Alarm died from four stab wounds, two each in her chest and back.
As much as she didn't want to, she also looked over the blood splatter. Both the victim and the chair were covered in quite a bit of it. Oddly though, there was very little on the floor. No sign of it anywhere else either. Not that I'm complaining.
Clue: Bloodstains. Both Burglar Alarm and the chair are soaked in blood. Almost none is on the floor, nor is there a trail anywhere else.
It was then that Fluttershy noticed something odd about Burglar. Her legs and hooves, in particular. They were missing some fur, and the skin underneath looked angry and red.
"Electrical burns," Gold Star piped up. "Lightning isn't exactly a common spell, but we know it's in Discord's arsenal. That's part of why we suspect him."
“Everything is in my arsenal! Come on!” he said indignantly.
Clue: Burns on Legs. Burglar has odd burns on her legs and the bottoms of her hooves. According to Gold, they're consistent with electrical burns.
"That, and this." She pulled out a piece of creased paper, and held it up. "We found it clenched in Burglar's curled hoof."
Clue: Meeting Letter. A piece of paper with a message mouth/horn written in ink. It reads: "Discord, meet me in the Spookhouse Basement. I have something important to tell you." There is no signature.
Discord froze. Then materialized a giant hair dryer to thaw himself out. "Alright. I'll grant you, that's a bit more incriminating. Albeit cliché."
"Wait, so the victim wanted to meet with you?" Fluttershy asked.
"How should I know? I never received it! Not that she had any shortage of complaints for me, I'm sure."
But Gold wasn't finished. "You may also notice that despite how dusty this room is, there is a distinct lack of hoofprints. Just look around. The only ones here are from Ms. Fluttershy and our own investigators. Trust me, we looked."
Clue: Lack of Hoofprints: The room is very dusty, but there are no unexpected hoofprints anywhere.
Fluttershy looked troubled. "Meaning that the only way somepony else could have entered the room..."
"...is by hovering above the floor," Gold finished. "Though I don't think it was somepony at all. Rather, somebody. A whole mishmash of bodies, in fact."
"Okay, I get it. You're not being subtle," Discord huffed. "That's still circumstantial at best though. ...Am I using that word right?"
"You are, and it is," she admitted. "But it's not looking great for you. And there's one more thing." She pointed back at the body. "From what I've been told, this scene here is not altogether unfamiliar to you. I believe it's very similar to something out of some anime you reportedly never shut up about as of late."
"What!? Look, this murder may be a lot of things, but it is NOT a JoJo reference!"
"I have yet to see how it isn't," she replied smoothly. "At this point, there is more than enough evidence against you, Discord. Unless either of you can dispute it, I say there isn't much left to investigate. Well?"
"Fluttershy..." Discord slowly turned his head towards her, followed by the rest of his body. "I think I need you to make like a samurai and defend my honor."
Even being suddenly dressed in feudal armor could only do so much for her confidence. Still, it was full at the moment. "Alright. What do I do?"
"I believe this calls for a good old-fashioned debate. Listen to her arguments and think over your clues. I'm sure you must have something helpful by now."
Fluttershy nodded, shedding the armor as she stepped forward. Only the power of her deductions would defend her now. Her and her dear friend.
Debate Duel
Fluttershy vs. Gold Star
"My theory is rather simple, thanks to some other things we've found," Gold began. "Discord killed Burglar in the basement, and carried her up here, in hopes of hiding her body amongst the rest of the props.”
Hm. Something seems off about that idea. I'm not much of a detective, but it doesn't feel right. Why? Maybe if I think about what some clues mean together, it might help bring something out. What two pieces might I combine?
Meaty Sounds
Bloodstains
Multiple Stab Wounds
Rocking Chair
That's it!
Meaty Sounds + Multiple Stab Wounds
Those stab wounds are the only thing I can think of that would have made a nasty noise like that. Meaning those meaty thuds were actually...
Clue: Stabbing Sounds. Fluttershy heard the sound of the victim being stabbed.
Could it have just been someone stabbing the corpse though? Maybe. Is there any context that might show Burglar was killed here?
Stabbing Sounds
Bloodstains
Rocking Chair
Yes there is!
Stabbing Sounds + Bloodstains
That's it! All the blood is around the chair. There's no blood trail! And I heard the stabbing! So that means...
"No! That can't be what happened! Look at the bloodstains. There's no trail whatsoever anywhere but the chair and the floor in front of it. Even if he teleported, there'd at least be some blood where he showed up. Meaning that Burglar Alarm must have been stabbed here, while I was present!”
"Ah!" Gold Star's top hat jumped a bit before she righted it back on her head. "...Interesting. You claim to be inexperienced, but that was a fair deduction."
"That'll teach you to underestimate my Fluttershy!" Discord boasted. "Perhaps I should pin you to her chest as a reward."
Fluttershy blushed. It wasn't really that impressive, was it? I was just using a bit of logic...
"Don't get ahead of yourself," Gold said firmly. "All you've proven so far is that the victim was stabbed in this room, which in no way proves Discord's innocence. In fact, I believe your own recollections damn him even further."
"W-what do you mean?"
"While you were hidden inside the wardrobe, you reported seeing a 'bulky shadow' enter the room, correct? One with a strange, unnatural shape?"
Fluttershy let out a soft gasp. "Wait! You don't mean..."
"That's right. This park hosts no shortage of bizarre figures, but very few could enter the crime scene so smoothly. Which means that the figure you glimpsed must have been Discord, floating into the room!"
Oh no! What have I done!?
Confidence -1!
Confidence 4/5
"Fluttershy!" Discord said. "Calm down. It's too early to give in just yet. Keep thinking."
"But thinking about what I witnessed just hurt your case even further!"
"That doesn't mean you should disregard it. Take it from someone who has lived for millennia; cherish the memories you can."
Fluttershy took a deep breath, thinking things over again. Gold Star waited patiently, looking almost curious to see what else she'd come up with.
Was the figure I saw really Discord? I need to think about what else I witnessed. Does any of it contradict what we actually found at the scene?
Mysterious Whispers
Creaking Floorboards
Magic Noises
Burns on Legs
Lack of Hoofprints
Meeting Letter
Wait, it does!
Creaking Floorboards + Lack of Hoofprints
I know I heard someone stepping around inside the room, yet no hoofprints were discovered other than our own! Discord can float, so he would have no reason to touch the floor at all!
"I'm afraid there's a hole in your theory!" Fluttershy asserted. "If Discord had been the one I saw, then I wouldn't have heard the floorboards creak from his movements. Whoever was in this room did touch the floor, despite the lack of hoofprints. Which means it could not have been DIscord!”
"Then he simply erased his prints using magic," Gold countered. "It would be a cinch for someone of his caliber."
"It would also be a cinch for him to enter the room without leaving prints at all, and he isn't the only one capable of manipulating the scene with magic!"
"Kh-!" Gold clutched the rim of her hat, pulling it down. "...Very well. Perhaps this does still require further investigation."
"Woohoo! Go, Fluttershy!" Discord cheered, blowing confetti over her while hoisting party balloons. "I knew you could do it!"
"But let me give you a warning," she continued. "That claim won't hold up. It is merely hearsay from your own memories as a clearly biased witness. That creaking could have been caused by any number of things, including the sound effects of the house or your own imagination. In short, you had better find some more solid evidence if you wish to make your case."
Fluttershy wasn't sure what to say to that, so she just averted her eyes and nodded.
"But for now, I'm willing to concede."
Debate End
Fluttershy let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. "Thank you."
"I admit, I'm somewhat impressed," Gold acknowledged. "You're certainly no huntress. Too soft for that. But you've a good eye for detail. Have you considered joining? We could make a fighter out of you yet."
"I like Fluttershy exactly as soft as she is!" To prove his point, Discord conjured a giant Fluttershy plush, and tried hugging it. It flopped over his head, covering his face. "See? This one's too soft."
"And I'd rather not bring back the harder version of myself," Fluttershy agreed with a small blush at Discord's antics. "We'd better get down to the basement. We don't wanna miss any evidence."
"Shall we teleport?" Discord asked.
But Fluttershy shook her head. "No. I'd rather see where the entrance is. That way we know how someone who didn't teleport could have gotten up here." She paused. "Um… Gold, you said you found things down there?"
Gold nodded. "You'll see for yourself."
The entrance to the basement was outside, around the back of the Spookhouse. Fluttershy finally got a good look at it: a big, multi-story building that resembled an old hotel.
Discord led her down the staircase, to an old door. "We don't usually use the basement for anything other than storage, most of the year," he informed. "We do one or two special haunts down here on occasion, but right now it's just old props."
That brought Fluttershy at least some relief. Hopefully she wouldn't have to deal with any ghosts.
The door sprang open, and a transparent mare raced out. Fluttershy screamed, falling backwards as the spirit raced past her. She barely had time to recognize the pale, dark-maned mare who'd been in the brawl at the big top.
"Kagome, wait!" The mare in the train attendant uniform begged, floating up the stairs after her. But she was too late, and huffed in frustration. Then she noticed the brown trunk in front of her, and her eyes trailed up. She blanched when she saw Discord's face. "Uh, hey boss! We were just uh… the big guy in the coat asked us to guard the basement. Something about a crime scene?"
"Fear not, Dirt Nap," Discord assured, patting her on her see-through head. "I shant put you down for more of your namesake than you're already taking."
"Good to hear, I guess," she sighed. "Sorry, things have been kinda crazy here. I have no idea what's into Kagome but she won't talk to me at all. I mean, even less than she usually doesn't talk. I doubt even you could get through to her."
"That sounds like a challenge!" Discord boasted, snapping his fingers and vanishing in an instant.
He reappeared an instant later. "No, you're right, she's spooked."
Clue: Kagome's Fright. Kagome is extremely afraid and unwilling to talk to Fluttershy or Discord.
"Ghosts can get s-spooked?" Fluttershy asked timidly, hiding a bit behind Discord's form.
"Of course. We're all afraid of something," Discord replied. His arm briefly detached to pat her on the back. And then push her out. "Now come on, why don't you talk to her? I haven't forgotten the reason you came here in the first place, you know."
Fluttershy's smile was extremely wobbly. "H-hello..."
Dirt's spirits seemed to be restored, at least a little, by Fluttershy's fear. "What's wrong? Do you not like ghosts?" she said in a coy, teasing manner.
"I really don't..." Fluttershy squeaked.
"Well too bad... cuz I really like you!" She picked up Fluttershy's hoof, giving it a hearty shake, and sharing a friendly smile. For being a dead mare, she had remarkably white teeth. "Nice to meetcha! Name's Dirt Nap. I'm head honcho of the haunted house!"
"Technically, that would be Clarity," Discord clarified. "But she and Kagome are our star attractions. Revenants and onryo are exceedingly rare."
"Now now!" Dirt chided Discord. "Don't bore her with technical talk! C'mon! Watcha wanna ask?"
Dirt's exceedingly friendly demeanor served to slightly ease Fluttershy's fears. "Um... Where were you earlier this morning, when Burglar Alarm was killed?"
Dirt's face immediately dropped. "Burglar's dead?" she said in shock. "Dang. So that's why everypony's in a tizzy. Uh... When was it?"
"Not long after you and Kagome were sent to Clarity for punishment," Discord replied. "About fifteen minutes after."
"Oh." Dirt suddenly looked sheepish. "Well, I uh... Y'see... I sorta blew off the punishment and went to work."
Discord frowned disapprovingly. "I don't need to put you back in the painting, do I?"
"No, please! That's the worst job!" she practically begged. "All you do is make creepy faces and follow people with your eyes!"
"So what were you doing then?" Fluttershy asked.
"I was outside, spooking the people waiting in line," she said, with some level of pride. "I didn't know dragons could jump that high. Anyway, that's where I was the whole time."
"Who was scheduled for the farmhouse room?"
"That's the weird thing. No one was." She gave a spectral shrug. "The basement wasn't scheduled either. Not according to the schedule anyway. And only someone in park management could alter the thing."
I suppose it wouldn't be THAT easy to find the culprit.
Clue: Schedule and Rules. Only a member of park management is allowed to alter the Spookhouse haunt schedule. Nobody was scheduled in the basement or farmhouse rooms at the time of the murder.
Something seemed to occur to Discord. "I don't suppose you saw Clarity?"
"Oh yeah!" Dirt recalled. "She was a bit late. But I saw her coming from the road leading to the park entrance. She said she got held up at home, so I don't think she was even in the park at the time."
Clue: Dirt Nap's Testimony. Dirt blew off the order to go and get punished by Clarity, the medium, instead going to her assigned spot to haunt, at the line to the Spookhouse front door. She saw Clarity arrive from the road to the park entrance shortly afterwards.
"Thank you, ma'am," Fluttershy said, smiling. "We'd better get inside."
"Why?" Dirt asked in concern. "Those hunters seemed like they had everything handled."
"Yeah, well they don't!" Discord said testily. "I hereby order you not to listen to them anymore."
"Discord!" Fluttershy yelled.
"Alright, you can listen to them, but be a modicum less polite than usual."
Dirt gave another shrug. "I already jumpscared the gray guy and called him a name he didn't like. I blame his parents."
"Perfect! Now come along, Fluttershy, let's see what's in the creepy basement!" He rushed down into it with far more enthusiasm than her.
The basement was surprisingly well-lit for a Spookhouse basement. Though Fluttershy supposed that made sense, if it was mostly used for storage. Indeed, old props were neatly organized around the place. Movable bookshelves, haunted paintings, fake chainsaws, and crates of cobwebs, plus more basic materials like wood and metal sheeting.
But Fluttershy's eyes fell on the floor at her hooves, right in front of the door, which had been cleared of any props or shelving. Drawn on the ground, in some kind of red substance, was a circle of strange, eldritch symbols. Fluttershy wasn't that great at math, but she figured it was roughly the size of an elephant.
"What is that?" Discord asked, hovering down and squinting at it.
"Some kind of ritual circle," Fluttershy said, then blushed. "I um... I've seen Twilight and Starlight make some of them. I don't know what kind it is though. Odd that it's right in front of the door."
Clue: Ritual Circle. A circle of eldritch runes and symbols on the basement floor. Placed at a choke point, so whomever entered the basement would be unable to avoid stepping into it.
Discord sniffed at it, and sneezed. "Ugh! There's soot everywhere on this thing! There had better not be a demon roaming the park! Without a ticket!"
Clue: Scorch Marks. The floor inside and around the ritual circle was marred by burns and black soot.
"I'm more worried about what's in here," Fluttershy admitted, looking around at all the assorted boxes. "These will take forever to search."
"Don't worry, those hunter guys already dealt with that tedium," Dirt assured. "They didn't find anything of value. Their frustration was hilarious. The best part is what they did miss."
"And what would that be?"
"Eh, would probably be more fun to let you find it yourself. Go wild."
The pegasus started slowly trotting around the room, occasionally nudging something with her head before moving on.
Dirt looked up at Discord. "That's, uh, her idea of going wild?"
"I don't see her politely asking the bugs to move aside, so honestly it's a step up from usual."
But as Gold had praised, Fluttershy had a keen eye. She'd worked on it after the whole "almost joining a cult" incident.
So when she scanned the wall behind a bookshelf, and found an almost invisible seam, she of course thought to push it out.
The wall and bookshelf swung outwards, revealing they were designed to cover a small alcove. Now that it was open, they could see the hidden elevator doors behind it.
Discord's jaw dropped. "I didn't make that when I conjured this place from nothing!"
"Floating from floor to floor is a paaaain," Dirt explained. "Some of us in the park got really tired of taking the stairs, or going up through the floor. So we kinda sorta snuck some construction workers in while you weren't here after that whole Kill Tussle or whatever thing you were involved with.”
"So that's why the power bill shot up while I was gone! As if one Bill wasn’t enough…”
"Where does this elevator stop off?" Fluttershy asked, already having an idea of the answer.
"It has a stop on every floor, each through some kind of hidden entrance," Dirt explained. "Wouldn't wanna ruin the atmosphere for the guests to just see a ghost hop in for their break time."
"And one of those places... is the farmhouse room, isn't it?"
She blinked in surprise. "Oh yeah, it is! Dang, you think this might have something to do with the murder then?"
"It might," Discord said, still not looking altogether pleased with the whole setup. "It certainly opens a whole new array of possibilities, including several where I didn't do it."
"Wait, you're a suspect!?"
"A bloody miscarriage of justice to be sure." He looked aside. "No, I don't have a visual gag for that, you sickos.”
"Hey, are you sure this elevator is working?" Fluttershy asked. She was currently inside of it, tapping idly at the buttons. "None of these seem to be doing anything."
"Wait, what?" Dirt emerged from the wall where the buttons were, making Fluttershy scream again as the ghost mare examined the controls. "Aw, crap! Someone went and broke it!"
Clue: Secret Elevator. There is a very well-concealed elevator in the basement behind several large props that leads up into the Spookhouse proper. The button has apparently been sabotaged, and the car is currently in the basement.
Fluttershy finally felt somewhat hopeful about their case. But even with that small answer, they'd only found yet more questions.
"Is there any kind of book or something that could tell us what this circle is?" Fluttershy asked Discord.
Discord nodded. "The medium has a copy of the Hunt Hoofbook. She needs it to keep track of our ghostly guests."
"That sounds pretty helpful," Fluttershy said with a small smile. "We better go ask about it then."
They headed up the stairs and back out of the basement.
"Hey, one more thing!" Dirt said, suddenly popping up in between them and startling Fluttershy once again. "Sorry, it's kinda hard for ghosts to not sneak up on people. Anyway, I feel a little bad I couldn't help out more so I thought I'd draw up a map for ya."
"How?" Fluttershy asked curiously. "I thought ghosts couldn't hold physical objects. Oh, sorry if that was offensive!"
"Not at all," she laughed. "And yeah, some ghosts do have that limitation, but a powerful enough spirit like myself can easily poltergeist some stuff around." She tapped her transparent chin. "It's kind of a hassle though. Would probably be more fun to just... ah, there we go. Hey, you!"
An ordinary-looking earth pony, probably just enjoying his time at the park, looked over just in time to see the green specter lunge at him. He let out a scream that was quickly cut off as the revenant invaded his mortal body and quickly took control. "That's better!" Dirt's voice emerged from the stallion's mouth. "Lend me a hand, Discord?"
The draconequss snapped his fingers while Fluttershy stared on in abject horror, conjuring up a pen and paper for Dirt's temporary vessel to write on. After a few moments, she brought it over to them. "Here you go!"
Clue: Spookhouse Map. The front door to the Spookhouse faces the park's front entrance. The basement door faces away from it. The farmhouse room is on the third floor, with only one entrance visible on the map.
"Thanks for the help, mister!" Dirt said, popping back out of the traumatized stallion. "Oh, and you might wanna cut down on the funnel cake before you end up joining me here. Just saying." He immediately took off, running in terror. "Good! More exercise will help too!"
Fluttershy leaned over to whisper to Discord. "Does she do that a lot?"
"It's quite possible Dirt has puppeteered more ponies in a month than I have since I was unpetrified," Discord replied back. "It's in her contract that she's allowed to."
"Anyway!" Dirt said cheerily. "You two better get moving. I may give everyone trouble, but I don't want anything bad to happen to you, Discord."
"Thank you, Dirt," Discord acknowledged. "Where's Clarity now?"
"She's putting some of the newbies through their paces," Dirt replied. "Should be in the park plaza, near her office"
With their direction set, they quickly found their next interviewee.
"Readyyyy company!" A very light blue unicorn mare with a long, wavy, blonde mane called in a peppy voice. "Bone Zone Number 6!"
Bones rolled in from all directions, carried by invisible forces to form skeletons, which in turn started to dance in circles.
"Now, Flying Fang Squadron, Type A Formation!"
A flock of clearly sapient vampire bats flew in, forming a large ring that surrounded the skeletons as they began to fly in twisting patterns around them.
"Let's goooooooo Ecto!"
A multitude of ghosts phased up through the cobblestone ground and joined in by singing a spectral choir.
"Yes, wonderful!" The mare cheered them on, waving a stick of incense around like a conducting wand. "Annnnnnd, finish!"
The various ghouls and ghosts all gave a quick bow, then immediately dispersed again. After that, the only sound left was Fluttershy's hooves eagerly clapping.
"That was amazing," she praised. "I was so entranced by the performance that I forgot to be terrified."
"That's what we're going for!" the unicorn said with a grin. "I'm Crystal Clarity! Who are you?"
"I'm Fluttershy." She found the mare's exuberance nice. It was less overwhelming than Pinkie's.
"Oh! You're the friend Discord mentioned!" Clarity realized.
Fluttershy nodded. "Do you have a minute? We need some help."
Clarity turned to her company. "Take five, everyone! I'll be back soon."
The assembled spooks went off in separate directions, quickly inciting screams from each of them. Even on break, they loved their jobs.
"So what's up?" Clarity asked. "I heard about the murder up in the Spookhouse. What a mess. None of my crew had anything to do with it, you know!"
"So we've heard," Discord said. "Dirt Nap told us no one was scheduled for that area."
"Did she? Well, I'm glad she could help out, even if she did it by shirking on her duties. Maybe I won't put her back in the painting after all."
"She mentioned that she saw you enter the park a bit after the murder?" Fluttershy recalled.
"Yes," Clarity said with a sigh. "I had some trouble on the way out here. Some kind of beast on the road."
"Was it a werewolf?" Fluttershy asked. "We ran into it too."
"Ah, I thought I recognized those tracks!" Clarity said with a laugh. "I specialize in spirits. I slacked a bit in other classes."
Clue: Clarity's Testimony. Clarity was late to work, and didn't show up until after the murder. Dirt saw her on the path, coming from the entrance.
I'm starting to form a timeline of events here, but we'll need more. "We hear you have a copy of the, um, Hunt Hoofbook it was called? We need it to investigate a magic circle we found."
Her eyes widened. "Whoa, what!? Those things can be super dangerous! What kind was it?"
"That's what we're trying to figure out," Discord explained. "I know a lot of things, but ritualistic patterns are far too orderly for my tastes."
"Gotcha. Hold on." She turned towards a star-speckled tent off to the side, her horn glowing. A moment later, a pony skeleton emerged from the tent, carrying the requested book in its mouth. Fluttershy was suddenly much less eager to crack it open. "This should have what you're looking for."
Fluttershy hurriedly took the book, wiping off the spot where the skeleton had touched it with one of her feathers.
It was a small, leatherbound book, with the title written in gold font: The Hunter's Hoofbook: A Guide To Hunters, Tools, and Monsters.
Fluttershy opened it up, flipping through it to find an entry on ritual circles. Finally, her eyes lit up. "Oh! I think I found something!"
Clue: Hunt Hoofbook. A reference book containing various information used by the Hunters, clearly well-used with lots of writing in the margins from the owner of this copy. The section on ritual circles contains the following information: According to notes in the margins, summoning circles are used to bring otherworldly beings into this world, and bind them, banishment circles are used to trap and destroy supernatural creatures, but the energy they create can cause extreme injury to mortals. Healing circles help stabilize injured or dying creatures, and can heal even incorporeal beings and spiritual maladies.
"So what kind was it?" Discord asked eagerly, literally hovering over her.
"Yeah, what kind?" Clarity was trying to peek over the top herself.
They're both entirely too excited about this. "Well, um, according to the drawings here, what we saw back in the basement was a banishment circle. For trapping and destroying supernatural creatures."
"Well that's rude! That's like my entire staff!" Clarity huffed.
"And me," Discord pointed out, suddenly looking grim. He hid behind the two of them, dressed in gangster garb. "Is someone out ta get me? I gots ta lay low until the heat dies down!"
"Don't jump to conclusions," Fluttershy tried to assure him. "Like Clarity said, that circle could've been meant for basically anyone working there."
"Well..." Now the unicorn looked a bit uncomfortable, tapping her hooves together. "There is one creature I could think of who might want Discord gone."
Fluttershy knew something serious had just been said when Discord's disguise entirely vanished, the draconequus looking entirely surprised. "I... hadn't considered that." He looked like he'd genuinely taken emotional damage at the thought he'd just had.
"Who?" Fluttershy asked.
Discord tapped his fingertips together, looking glum. "Well, if I were to be expelled from the House of Laughs, or otherwise indisposed, leadership would be passed down to my second in command, that being... Twitchy."
"Owning a whole circus would be a pretty tasty treat for a monster who eats laughter," Clarity agreed. "I'm not saying she did it, but she'd have a reason to take out Discord."
Clue: Twitchy's Motive. According to Discord, if he is banished, Twitchy will take over as head of the House of Laughs.
"How are things going?"
Fluttershy nearly jumped out of her skin at the gruff voice from behind her.
Shatter seemed just as startled. The gray earth pony clearly hadn't expected that kind of reaction to his silent approach, which really shouldn’t have been possible in his metal armor. "Sorry."
"I-It's okay!" Fluttershy assured, seeing Discord narrow his eyes.
"Just wanted to see if you needed any help," he explained. "These things ain't easy."
That calmed Fluttershy down a little. Despite being big, scary, and suspicious of Discord, Shatter at least seemed to mean well. "I think we've found some interesting things, at least."
"Compare notes?" he offered. "Can't hurt to fire theories back and forth."
"Alright..." Fluttershy said hesitantly, mentally preparing herself. I've done this once. I can do it again.
Debate Duel
Fluttershy vs. Shatter
"I'll be sporting and give you the opening move," he said calmly. "I imagine you've already taken a look around the basement. Have you made any connections so far? There's one I found that was particularly interesting."
As a matter of fact, I have. Come on, this one should be easy. What was the first thing that stuck out to me?
Scorch Marks
Ritual Circle
Schedule and Rules
Hunt Hoofbook
Clarity's Testimony
Twitchy's Motive
That's right!
Ritual Circle + Hunt Hoofbook
This has to be it, but there's no way a member of the Hunt wouldn't know this already. What is he up to?
"According to the official Hunt Hoofbook, the strange circle we found was a banishment circle, used for trapping and destroying supernatural creatures. Is that what you're getting at?"
Clue: Banishment Circle. A circle of eldritch symbols on the floor, placed at a choke point so whoever entered from the main stairs would have to enter it. Banishment circles are used to trap and destroy supernatural creatures, but the energy they create can cause extreme injury to mortals.
He gave a small smile. "It is. I hope you realize what that implies, though."
Discord facepalmed, and gave a loud, dramatic, annoyed groan.
"Burglar likely targeted Discord, and was killed in retaliation," Shatter explained. "I imagine the circle failed, leaving her at his mercy. We know he tormented her already. She had plenty of motive."
Fluttershy flinched. "Um... I disagree."
Shatter raised an eyebrow. "Do you have reason for that disagreement?"
"Um... Yes?" I think I do, right?
Banishment Circle
Schedule and Rules
Clarity's Testimony
Scorch Marks
Burns on Legs
Twitchy's Motive
Got it!
Banishment Circle + Scorch Marks
There were burn marks around the circle, indicating it had been used, but what if Discord wasn't the one it had been used on? There is another possibility...
Clue: Mortal in Banishment Circle. According to the Hoofbook, the energy the circle creates is enough to cause extreme injury to mortals.
But that won't be enough on its own. Not unless it's combined with another clue.
Mortal in Banishment Circle
Schedule and Rules
Clarity's Testimony
Burns on Legs
Twitchy's Motive
Yes, that's it!
Mortal in Banishment Circle + Burns on Legs
"The burns!" Fluttershy exclaimed suddenly.
Shatter tilted his head. "Eh? What burns?"
"The ones on Burglar's legs," Fluttershy explained. "The entry in the book says being in a banishment circle when it goes off can really hurt a normal pony. Burglar had burns all up and down her legs. There's only one thing that explains it! Burglar was in the banishment circle!
"That would make sense..." Shatter agreed hesitantly, a hoof to his chin in thought.
Fluttershy beamed victoriously.
"...It'd explain how Discord survived the trap."
Fluttershy's jaw dropped. "Huh!?"
"Well think about it," Shatter said calmly. "Discord was the only one who could teleport things inside the Spookhouse. All he had to do was switch places with Burglar when he realized the predicament he was in. Could've even been an accident.
Fluttershy bit her lip, eyes trailing down. A few tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. Why won't they believe me?
Debate End
"Hey now, it's alright," Shatter said. "You did your best."
Discord looked down at Fluttershy, then narrowed his eyes at him. "You made Fluttershy cry."
"Hey, I'm just doing my job," he insisted. "And I commend her effort. Given her position, no one could expect too much from her anyway." He paused. "Okay, that might have come out wrong."
Discord took in a breath, and spoke calmly. "Your name is Shat now."
"Wha? Hey, I told you not to call me that!" Shat exclaimed. "H-huh? What did you do!?"
"Hey, Shat!" Gold Star's voice shouted from across the park, making a few of the guests stifle laughter. "We still have more investigating to do! Come on!"
"Gold, you know that's not my name, right!?" Shat panicked, rushing after her. "My name is Shat! Wait, I mean—!"
"Don't worry, I'll change it back later," Discord said gently, patting Fluttershy on the shoulder. "I'm not that cruel."
Fluttershy was too down to even scold him for that. "Why do they want you to have done it so much?" she asked in a tearful voice.
"Oh. That." Discord frowned. "Well, that's a bit of a long story."
Nevertheless, he snapped his fingers. Fluttershy was now in a brown suit and wire-rim glasses, while Discord reclined on a red chaise lounge. "As I've said, this place was built as a haven to all the ghouls, ghosts, goblins, and gobblers, to help the common pony understand them, so they can live regular lives. Silver and Twitchy came to me with the idea. I just conjured the whole pocket dimension and park in the Everfree, and helped them talk to the Hunt. That's why it's called the House of Laughs. All the little bunches of hunters are named like that. House of Blood, Steel, Mind. Twitchy picked the House of Laughs, for obvious reasons. Naturally, I'm very popular here, at least among the monsters."
Clue: Discord's Work. Discord has done a lot for the House of Laughs. He built the whole park, and helped negotiate with the Hunt on behalf of the monsters. He's well-loved by the monsters at the park because of this.
"But not among the hunters?" Fluttershy guessed, unintentionally adding to the bit by taking notes.
"This is the first new House in centuries," Discord explained. "The Hunt is old, and the hunters take themselves very seriously. They do want us to succeed, and they mean well, but each of the other Houses have their own values, and their own ideas about what they'd do to improve the place. I hear it's been a bit heated behind the scenes. Honestly, there's only one point most of them seem to agree on."
"What's that?"
"...That the House of Laughs would be better off without a certain draconequus." He waved his hand, followed by his entire body vanishing.
She gasped. "What!? Why!?"
His voice replied, from seemingly all around her. "They say I'm a bad influence. Maybe they're right. I do prank my employees, and cause disruption, and make the occasional retcon. I'm hardly what you'd think of when it comes to taking charge. After all, how could a monster, especially being of pure chaos, possibly maintain order?"
Clue: Discord's Issues. Discord is known to not take his role very seriously. He pranks his employees, and constantly makes a fool of himself and others, giving the House of Laughs a negative reputation among the other Houses.
He reappeared on the chaise lounge. Fluttershy had known Discord long enough to spot one of the times when he was genuinely troubled. She just wished she knew of a way to help him.
...Well, she knew one way.
Fluttershy stood up, face set in determination. "I promise, I'll help you clear your name, Discord."
Discord didn't respond right away. But after a moment, he sighed. "Right. I suppose we'd better get back to that."
But Fluttershy shook her head. "You've been through a lot. Why don't you sit down and rest a while? I'll look around on my own. Maybe somepony will underestimate me and slip up."
He gave a small, not entirely happy chuckle. "You're becoming more genre savvy. Alright. I guess I'll just sit here... and think."
He then took on the only appropriate form he could, and now there was a full-scale model of The Thinker in Discord's image sitting in the middle of the plaza. A few guests were already taking pictures next to it.
Fluttershy would've found it funnier if re-petrification wasn't a very real consequence of her failure.
I better get moving then. Let's see... I should try to track down Ms. T.T. next. She does have a motive. The pegasus stretched her wings and took to the air, hoping that it wouldn't take too long to spot her from above.
As it turned out, a big purple ball of fluff wearing a ringmaster outfit wasn't that hard to spot from anywhere.
Twitchy Toes was currently stationed in front of a vending machine filled with various products for the creatures there, leading to some interesting options like canned blood in every type, jerky of questionable origin, a pink soda that just said 'Made with Love', and whatever exactly 'Soul Food' was. She wasn't sure she wanted to know.
The kackling punched in a code and reached a single tentickle into the machine to retrieve a serving of 'Canned Laughter' that giggled a little as she cracked it open. Taking a few gulps, she gave a sigh before moving on, Fluttershy swooping in to watch her from behind the machine. This isn't stalking, it's investigating.
Speaking of which, she should probably review her notes on kackling kind while she had the chance. Keeping one eye on the purple floof at all times, she flipped open the hoofbook to the proper entry.
Kacklings (hystericus maximus): A species of interdimensional eldritch tickle monsters hailing from Dimension Demented. Closely resembling a standard earth pony with a significantly fluffier coat, they use their cute and innocent appearance to lure in prey before restraining them with their tentickles to feed on their laughter. A sadistic complex and lack of self-control often leads to asphyxiation, making them extremely dangerous despite their literally laughable abilities.
While their tentickles are prehensile and deceptively strong, kacklings lack the necessary anatomy for even standard magic. However, their biggest weakness is emotional. Kacklings are very immature and emotionally sensitive, allowing them to be easily intimidated with enough force, and are bad under pressure. Hunters in pursuit of a kackling should come equipped with long-range weapons, recordings of depressing music, and a slew of vicious insults.
Fluttershy frowned as she read over the entry, feeling a bit bad for Twitchy's kind, despite all the deaths. I probably don't need all of this. Let's sparse out the most important details.
Clue: Kackling Book Entry. Kacklings are interdimensional beings that feed on laughter. They are often sadistic, some tickling prey into asphyxiation. They are very immature and emotionally sensitive, making them easy to intimidate and bad under pressure. They are also incapable of standard magic, due to lacking the necessary anatomy.
Fluttershy knew from her bird of prey friends that keeping to the sky was the best way to remain hidden. So she typically stayed somewhere above Twitchy, close enough to hear anything she said, but behind cover so she wouldn't be seen.
Eventually, as Fluttershy was hiding behind a ferris wheel, Twitchy waved down something that was big, spiky, and rodentlike. "Hi there!" the kackling greeted. "Are you new here?"
The monster nodded shyly. "My name's Mitch. I don't know what I'm doing, or where I'm going."
"I'll help get you to somepony who can get you settled," Twitch assured. "We don't get a lot of wereporcupines around here! My name's Twitchy Toes, or T. T. I'm a member of the House of Laughs leadership. If you need anything, talk to me, or a draconequus named Discord. We're the same rank, so either of us can handle anything you need."
Fluttershy's eyebrows raised. That was huge!
Clue: Twitchy's Power. Twitchy Toes is a member of House of Laughs leadership. She has the same rank and privileges as Discord.
Twitchy got Mitch to Silver, before prancing off, clearly in a good mood. That's sinister. What has her in such high spirits?
She snuck from spot to spot after Twitchy, never letting her out of her sight or hearing range.
Near the bigtop, a big, crimson-skinned ogre creature with long, curled teeth and a big club waved at her. "Oh hi Mark!" Twitchy greeted. "Something wrong?"
"Have date tomorrow," Mark explained in slow, guttural speech. "What time big show?"
"Midnight, 2 AM, and 4 AM!" Twitchy replied. "Same as every day. They're an hour each. I'm ringmastering this month, so if you need a show off, ask Discord or Silver. I'll be busy."
Fluttershy jotted that down.
Clue: Twitchy's Schedule. Twitchy is the ringmaster of the House of Laughs circus show. She does several shows a day, and helps design all the other acts. As such, she's incredibly busy.
That was enough evidence for now. It was time to interview the suspect. Fluttershy put the book away and her game face on as she approached the kackling from behind.
"Hiya!"
"Ah!" Fluttershy jumped at the sight of the bat pony hanging down by her tail in front of her. Why does everything here have to startle me?
"Whoa, didn't mean to scare ya," Drippy chuckled. "You just seemed really into stalking that laffy lady, so I decided to follow after you too." She was pretty dressed for the occasion herself, currently donning a black turtleneck and night vision goggles. As a vampire, Fluttershy wondered why she even needed them.
"I was investigating," she mumbled.
"What was that?" As a vampire, she had definitely heard that too.
"I was investigating Twitchy. I think she may be a suspect in the murder."
"Is that so?" Drippy flipped herself around and landed back on the ground in front of her, sporting a fanged grin. "I've heard you're pretty good at this. Maybe you'd like to run your theories by me next. The HoM is full of professors, so I don’t mind grading homework."
"Alright then. I'm ready." Twitchy was getting away, but she had time to consolidate all of this first.
Debate Duel
Fluttershy vs. Slow Drip
Fluttershy waited several seconds.
Drippy tilted her head. "Is everything okay?"
"Aren’t… you going to give me a theory to refute?"
"I mean... no?" Drippy sounded incredibly confused. "It sounds like you're the one with the theory here. Go ahead."
"Right. Um..." Fluttershy dug around for where to start.
Kackling Book Entry
Twitchy's Power
Twitchy's Schedule
Bulky Shadow
Magic Noises
That's it!
Bulky Shadow + Kackling Book Entry
"The shape I saw was so strange!" Fluttershy informed. "Too bulky to be a normal pony! But it makes perfect sense with all of Twitchy’s fluff! In the dark, she'd look bigger and scarier! It had to have been her!"
"Interesting idea," Drippy admitted, giving a nod. "Alright, what else you got?"
"I, uh..." Fluttershy paused. "This is very unconventional."
"I know." She grinned. "Hit me anyway."
No need to panic. What else do I have to suggest Twitchy is the killer?
Twitchy's Power
Twitchy's Schedule
Twitchy's Motive
Magic Noises
Secret Elevator
That, maybe?
Twitchy's Power + Secret Elevator
"As one of the heads of the House of Laughs, Twitchy has the power to alter the Spookhouse schedule, ensuring she could be there when no one else could see her. Not only that, but she would also have knowledge of the secret elevator in the basement, and use it to move the victim's body!"
"Mhm. Mhm. Hm." Drippy nodded thoughtfully. "Anything else?"
Fluttershy's wings shuffled. Why is she so calm? Does she agree with me?
Twitchy's Motive
Kackling Book Entry
Ritual Circle
Discord's Issues
Discord's Work
This is the last thing, probably?
Twitchy's Motive + Discord's Issues
"Twitchy has the strongest motive of anyone at the park!" Fluttershy insisted. "This place was her idea, and the other hunters don't like it because of Discord. If he were out of the way, she'd be in charge!"
"Hmmmmmmm..." Drippy hummed. Then she finally spoke. "Right. All that is wrong. Mind if I go over why?"
Fluttershy stiffened. "Um... o-okay?"
"'Kay, so it goes something like this."
Kackling Book Entry + Twitchy's Motive
"Twitchy Toes wouldn't want Discord ousted from power," Drippy explained. "Yeah, it's true that she would have sole power if he was gone, but what you're not considering is if she would really want that. Read over that entry on kacklings again. They're immature, emotionally sensitive, and bad under pressure. Someone like that would have a full-blown nervous breakdown if they were suddenly given that much responsibily. It's the last thing they would ever want."
As someone who had practically minored in nervous breakdowns, Fluttershy couldn't argue that.
Confidence -1!
Confidence 3/5
"Second point," Drippy continued.
Kackling Book Entry + Magic Noises
"Twitchy couldn't have been the shadow you saw. You heard the unmistakable hum of magic being used, which kacklings are physically incapable of. So she couldn't have commited the murder even if she wanted to."
Fluttershy flinched. "Err..."
Confidence -1!
Confidence 2/5
"And lastly..."
Twitchy's Power + Twitchy's Schedule
"If you look closer at Twitchy's schedule, you'll see that she was scheduled to perform in front of a crowd at the timeframe of the murder, and there are many witnesses who can attest that she was there. Therefore, she has an airtight alibi. Kinda funny, given the whole 'suffocating' thing."
Fluttershy didn't find it very funny.
Confidence -1!
Confidence 1/5
"To sum it all up, Twitchy had neither means, motive, nor opportunity. Which means… Twitchy Toes is not the murderer! Debate End!”
Drippy did a little victory pose and everything.
Fluttershy hung her head with a whimper. A single tear rolled down her cheek.
Drippy gave her a comforting pat on the back with one of her big, leathery bat wings. "It's alright. From what I've seen so far, you've been doing good for a non-huntress. You're just getting too emotional. You're desperate, because you're running out of options other than the one you don't want."
Fluttershy just had to sob. She's right. What can I even do now?
And that first sob was enough for someone else present.
"ENOUGH!" snapped a nearby cardboard box.
The box was flung away, revealing Discord beneath. He was wearing a gray jumpsuit, black tactical vest, and gray headband, with stubble on his chin. To Fluttershy's surprise, not only was he crying, he looked absolutely enraged, with teeth bared, and eyes literally on fire.
"D-Discord?" Fluttershy asked, trying to calm herself for his sake. She couldn't.
He looked around, seeing Fluttershy and Drippy in front of him, as well as Gold Star and Shat off in the distance, the latter still trying to convince the former that his name had been magically retconned.
"Everyone is here," he said bitterly. "Then I guess I won't have to say this more than once." He snapped his fingers, instantly blinking away the entire getup. The only thing left was a very miserable draconequus. "I quit. I've had enough of my dearest friend emotionally destroying herself just for my sake. So go ahead, do whatever you're going to do to me. The chair?"
Discord appeared in prison garb strapped to an electric chair. A second Discord pulled a switch and zapped him into a pile of ashes. "The guillotine?"
That Discord was then adorned in an elaborate dress of Prench nobility, his head wedged within the medieval device. Another Discord in a dark mask released a rope and dropped the blade down onto him, severing his head and making it land squarely in a cake. The executionar Discord yanked off his mask. "A 24-hour marathon of 'Pony Life'? Just get it over with already!"
"Discord no!" Fluttershy said through her own tears. "Don't give up!"
Despite the gags, Discord was clearly genuinely distraught. Especially when none of the hunters moved to actually aprehend him, seemingly out of being so startled by this actually genuine outburst of emotion.
Finally, he scoffed. "Fine! Be that way! Find me when you've decided."
Fluttershy tried to run for him, but he teleported away before she could, causing her attempted flying hug to miss, and landing her in the dirt.
All three hunters gathered around her, not sure what to do but none looking too pleased. "Uh..." Drippy started.
"I won't give up on him!" Fluttershy declared, forcing herself out of the dirt and shaking it off. "No matter what any of you say. Don't try and stop me!"
"Wait!" Gold said. "We weren't—" She was already running off again. "...going to."
Fluttershy didn't look back, eyes streaked with tears as she tried to see through them anyway. How hard could it be to find someone like Discord? Considering he can turn into anything and slip through the fabric of space-time, pretty hard actually. Still, there had to be a way.
I know! The security office! They should have cameras all over the park! If Discord shows up on any of them, I'll be able to see it!
The security office was, thankfully, easy to find. It had plenty of signage pointing to it, a small building near the entrance to the park.
Inside was a cramped office. To Fluttershy's surprise, and immense disappointment, there were no security cameras. A memo on the wall reminded the former occupant of the empty office that cameras were bad for ghosts. Fluttershy couldn't help but feel that was an obscure factoid.
All there was was a single monitor on a tiny desk, which was locked by a password.
Fluttershy took a moment to think, and keyed in "password1." The desktop opened up.
There were three files on the computer: Security Alert Log, Employee Clearance Levels, and Safety Protocols.
Am I doing crime right now? Oh well. Desperate times, desperate crimes.
She first looked through the security logs. While it would've been nice to actually catch the murder on camera, ghost ethics were important. Luckily, there were motion sensors available, set to go off if any entered or exited various parts of the Spookhouse, including the basement.
Aha! One entry shortly before the murder. This might be helpful to note.
Clue: Security Alert Log. There are no cameras in the Spookhouse due to cameras being unhealthy for ghosts, but there are motion sensors. There was a motion alert in the basement shortly before the murder took place.
She clicked on the next icon. Maybe there's some kind of lounge where I can find Discord.
But to her surprise, she instead got an extensive list of all the roles in the park, their levels of authority, and their responsibilities. There are some aspects of the crime that could only be done by park leadership. I guess that's important enough to jot down.
Clue: Employee Clearance Levels. According to a hierarchy on a markerboard, Park Leadership is defined as ringmasters, hunters, handlers and experts of different types of monsters, managers, Silver Lining, and the head clown.
She gave a shudder. Clowns are scary. I hope the head clown manages the others well.
Fluttershy clicked on the last icon, regarding safety protocols. That one actually made her smile.
Aww. They really do put a lot of effort into safety here. Not just keeping the guests safe from the monsters, but caring for the needs of the monsters as well. Looks like there are a lot of shows and seminars and stuff on how to help them better interact. It really is a lot like my animal sanctuary. I'll take note of this just because it's so sweet.
Clue: Safety Protocols. Park workers are trained extensively to maintain the health and safety of the park's supernatural residents, as well as how to teach normal parkgoers about them, and keep both safe. Many buildings have teleportation blocks that only Park Leadership can bypass, so that no panicking civilians warp into walls. No cameras are allowed, as they can injure some ghosts.
"Glad that at least made you smile."
Fluttershy turned. Discord was flopped on the ground behind her.
Instantly, she went to give him a hug, but he lightly nudged her away. "I don't think I should get hugs right now. Maybe everyone is right. I'm a menace to this park. It's not like I can be any different than I am. I’ve had it used as a stat against me.”
"Discord, that's—"
"False? Not true? A gross misrepresentation of facts?" Discord replied. "Don't bother. I know what you're going to say."
Fluttershy's eyes narrowed in a firm glare. "Discord, do you want to make me cry?"
Discord somehow sulked even more. "No."
"Then you'll at least hear me out."
He rolled his eyes. "Fine. But I'm at least going to do this debate in style." He snapped his fingers.
There was a bright flash, making Fluttershy close her eyes.
When she opened them again, she appeared to be standing in... a courtroom?
"Court is now in session for the trial of Discord," said the judge, also Discord, complete with a robe and powedered wig.
"The prosecution is ready, Your Honor," said another Discord standing across from her, dressed in a red suit and a frilly cravat.
Fluttershy stared blankly.
"Psst, you're the defense," said a third Discord at the witness stand.
"Um, the defense is ready, Your Honor," Fluttershy answered. She was far too accustomed to Discord's weirdness to let this slow her down for long.
"Well then. Let's skip the opening statement and get right into it," Prosecutor Discord said. "We're beginning to run out our word count."
leuD etabeD
pɹoɔsᴉꓷ ˙sʌ ʎɥsɹǝʇʇnlℲ
“The prosecution will present its theory,” he began. “Discord is not good for the House of Laughs, even if he isn’t the killer. He is a reckless fool who only causes trouble and hurts his friends."
Judge Discord nodded. "Yes, the prosecution makes a strong point."
"Indeed. It's pretty hard to dispute," Defendant Discord agreed.
No! I WILL dispute it! He's so focused on all the bad stuff he's done that he's forgetting about the good!
D_s_o_d's W_ _ k
_ _ nt H_o_ b _ _ k
S _ _ur _ _ y A _ _ _t L _ _
_ af_ _ y P_o_ _ _ ol _
Fluttershy rubbed her head. Why did everything feel so fuzzy? "Discord!"
"What? I'm not doing anything," Prosecutor Discord said innocently, playing a little harp for effect.
I won't let this get in my way. I just need to... focus!
Discord's Work + Safety Protocols
Objection!
Fluttershy slammed a hoof on her bench, and dramatically pointed across the courtroom. "Discord, the House of Laughs wouldn't even exist without you! You said it yourself. You made this whole place from nothing! Not only are you giving these monsters a safe home, but the House of Laughs is teaching people how to be safe around them! Without you, how many of the monsters in the park would be somewhere else, eating some innocent pony?"
Discord recoiled just as dramatically as Fluttershy had pointed. "Th-that's irrelevant!"
"I don't know. The defense does raise a point," Judge Discord acknowledged. "With or without all of her letters."
"You mean he's guilty of petty theft as well?" Defendant Discord asked. "For shame."
"Fine. You can have all the letters this time," Prosecutor Discord said. "But surely you don't have much else."
We'll see about that. I just need to go over the remaining...
lypEoeme aelCcrane Lesvle
ckinlKag oBok nEytr
ntHu bkfoooHo
oDirc'ssd suseIs
...He's lucky we're friends.
Fluttershy focused. Just a little more... I got it!
Kackling Book Entry + Twitchy’s Power
Objection!
"Just look at Twitchy," Fluttershy encouraged. "She'd normally be really dangerous, probably a target of the Hunt instead of a member of it! But now, thanks to you, not only can she live a normal life without fear of going hungry, but she can help other monsters do the same thing! You are a positive influence, Discord!”
All three Discords raised a single finger, as if he was so taken aback by the point that he'd actually acted through all of them at once.
"They just need some time to get used to you," Fluttershy soothed. "You didn't do this. I'm so torn up about it because I care about you." She smiled up at him. “It’s not your fault, Discord.”
Prosecutor Discord slowly raised a finger again. "Um... Objection?"
"Overruled," Judge Discord replied, slamming down a gavel. "The court hereby finds Discord..."
NOT GUILTY
The many Discords in the gallery cheered and flew overhead, exploding into confetti that rained down over them. Fluttershy couldn't help but grin like a filly through the whole thing.
Debate End
There was another flash, and suddenly they were back in the security office.
Now with a security guard who had apparently been out to lunch. "Aaah! What are you doing in here!?"
"Sorry, she's with me!" Discord said, immediately snapping them back outside. "He doesn't need to know about your snooping, methinks."
"Sounds like you're doing better already," Fluttershy noted, smiling up at him.
Discord crossed his arms and looked away. "Well, what can I say? You make a persuasive argument. Of course, this isn't over yet, you realize."
"I do," Fluttershy said firmly. "I'm just not sure where to go next. And I have a feeling we're running out of time..."
"Incoming ghost!" Discord shouted.
"Nice try, Discord. But can we focus on the—AAAAAAH!" Fluttershy screamed as the pale form of Kagome nearly crashed right into her. Well, probably not crash, since she was incorporeal, but the pegasus didn't want to think about the alternative. "H-hey! Kagome, right? I think I need to talk to you!"
Kagome didn't seem too interested, her mouth opening in a silent shout before turning and fleeing again.
"Hey, wait!" Fluttershy rushed after her. "I'm not afraid anymore, it's okay! I'm open to being friends!"
Kagome was gone so quickly that even the being who could bend space and time couldn't react properly.
"Should I teleport her back here?" Discord asked.
Fluttershy shook her head. "I don't want to scare the poor thing even more. I wonder what's got her so frightened? Let's just see if we can find her again, and talk to her calmly without surprising her."
They started down the road back towards the Spookhouse. On the way, a pair of familiar faces greeted them. Clarity gave a friendly smile of greeting, while Dirt gave an energetic wave.
"Have you two seen Kagome?" Fluttershy asked.
Dirt quirked her head. "Yeah. She flew up, looked spooked, then flew off. Same thing happen to you?"
Fluttershy nodded, frowning. Why would Kagome be scared of Dirt? Something isn’t right.
"What could possibly have gotten into her?" Clarity pondered. "I hope she's better by tomorrow night. She's scheduled for a starring role."
"...!" Fluttershy's eyes widened as she realized something. "Dirt, could I ask you to clarify what you said earlier?"
"Eh? Sure, what's up?" The revenant hovered up, crossing her back legs lazily.
"You said earlier that you blew off your punishment to go and see where you were scheduled," Fluttershy said slowly. "Was Kagome with you then?"
"No, she wasn't," Dirt replied. "No idea where she went."
"...Is it possible she went to do what she was told, and find out how she was going to be punished?" Fluttershy asked.
Dirt blinked. "Yeah, now that you mention it, that's probably what she did. Otherwise, she'd definitely have gone back to check the schedule with me."
Discord raised an eyebrow. "How harshly did you punish her, Clarity?"
"Just a stern talking to!" Clarity defended quickly. "Nothing serious! I didn't have much time after I got into work."
"She's not afraid because of the punishment," Fluttershy clarified.
Discord looked at her in confusion. "What do you mean?"
Dirt’s Testimony
Kagome’s Fright
Twitchy’s Power
Banishment Circle
Schedule and Rules
"This."
Dirt's Testimony + Kagome's Fright
"If she was scared of the punishment she'd just received, why would she run away from us not once, but twice?" Fluttershy explained.
Clarity narrowed her eyes. "What are you saying?"
Fluttershy didn't back down. Not this time. "If she was looking to report for punishment, she'd go look for the person in charge of that. You, Clarity."
"Are you accusing me of somethi—"
"Not done," Fluttershy interrupted. "I think Kagome went looking for you, and she found you somewhere in the Spookhouse... with Burglar. You're a medium. I think you threatened her not to talk about it. You just said you talked to her."
Dirt nearly dropped to the floor in shock. "Whoa, what? What are you getting at here?"
"Yes, please do explain," Clarity said. "Because if I didn't know any better, I'd almost think you were—"
"Accusing you of murdering Burglar Alarm?" Fluttershy asked, almost innocently. "Because with all due respect, yes I am."
"Oh, SNAP!" Discord poofed a comfy chair and a bag of popcorn as he sat down to watch the show. "This is going to get good."
Clarity growled a bit. "This is absurd. But if it'll put your mind at ease, I'll explain exactly why I'm innocent."
Debate Duel
Fluttershy vs. Crystal Clarity
"I had nothing to do with this murder!" Clarity claimed, shaking her incense stick at her. "There's no way I would do such a thing, because..."
Hunt Hoofbook + Clarity's Testimony
"I have no motive. I would be expelled and worse for killing a fellow hunter. Why would I ever do that to myself? I had no grudge against Burglar."
"That's true..." Discord acknowledged coyly. "Same rule that would get me expelled."
"Maybe so," Fluttershy agreed. "But..."
Discord's Issues
Clarity's Testimony
Discord's Work
Kagome Fright
Banishment Circle
Maybe Burglar wasn’t the true target to begin with. And I think it’s pretty clear by now who was!
This should show it!
Discord's Issues + Banishment Circle
"...There's someone you did have a motive against: Discord!" Fluttershy accused. "You just said it yourself. You're part of the Hunt. The Hunt is so embarrassed of Discord's antics that you want him gone. The banishment circle we found in the basement only proves that further." She put a hoof to her chin. "Also, the invite letter we found on Burglar's body. But you know what I mean."
"No, I don't, because this is all circumstantial!" Clarity yelled, smacking the stick loudly against her hoof. "By your own admission, I'm far from the only one in the Hunt who would want Discord gone." She gave a little smirk. "But thank you for bringing up that letter. That raises another good point."
Uh oh. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed the issue so hard right away. No... there's no backing down now.
"Here's something else you should consider," Clarity continued.
Mortal in Banishment Circle + Meeting Letter
"Burglar was found holding that letter, yes?" she asked. "If she wasn't the target, then how did she come by it? For that matter, how did she even end up in that banishment circle in the first place?"
Fluttershy let out a relieved sigh, and giggled a bit.
"What's so funny?" Clarity demanded.
"Oh nothing," Fluttershy replied. "I just thought you were going to say something smart for a second."
Discord had to stifle a guffaw by sticking his entire foot in his mouth.
"She was not this confident before!" Dirt whispered to him.
A mouth opened on his side. "Praise be to Lord Sassyshy. She gets scary when she's protective."
Kackling Book Entry
Twitchy's Schedule
Security Alert Log
Schedule and Rules
Banishment Circle
Alright, this one should be simple I already have everything I need…
…right here!
Security Alert Log + Schedule and Rules
"We found a motion sensor alert in the security office, that went off not long before the murder," Fluttershy informed. "The schedule for the Spookhouse had no one scheduled to work that room tonight. If Burglar was in her office, and saw that go off, she probably ran over to see what was going on."
"That circle was right in front of the door," Discord recalled. "If she barged in, she'd have been inside it."
"You think you're so clever, don't you?" Clarity glared icily, her eyes starting to glow a very unnatural blue. "And yet you're forgetting one important detail."
Clarity's Testimony + Dirt's Testimony
"I wasn't there!" The unicorn floated off the ground through power that didn't seem to come from her horn, her wavy blonde mane lashing about like tendrils of darkness. "Don't you remember? I was late to work and didn't even arrive until after the murder! Dirt Nap can testify to that much!"
Dirt backed away, even she clearly unnerved by Clarity's transformation. "S-she's right," the revenant admitted. "I saw her myself."
Fluttershy's eyes widened, feeling Clarity's bore into them even without visible pupils. Stand your ground, Fluttershy. Don't let her scare you! You need to bring her down here and now!
Yes, if she was throwing all she had against her, then Fluttershy would just have to return the favor. Hit her hard and fast before she could do anything to stop her!
Employee Clearance Levels
Safety Protocols
Security Alert Log
Scorch Marks
Spookhouse Map
Kagome's Fright
Dirt's Testimony
Clarity's Testimony
Schedule and Rules
Secret Elevator
Take this!
Security Alert Log + Spookhouse Map
Fluttershy's eyes couldn't glow, but they could Stare. That signature glare sparked off of Clarity's like clashing swords. "The log of security alerts didn't show anything about when you came through the entrance. There's no proof you actually arrived late! And if you look at the map Dirt drew for us, the basement door was out of her view. You just as easily could've left the basement and circled around, making it look like you'd just shown up!"
She saw Clarity flinch, but only slightly.
But Fluttershy wasn't done. Not by a long shot.
Employee Clearance Levels
Safety Protocols
Scorch Marks
Kagome's Fright
Dirt's Testimony
Clarity's Testimony
Schedule and Rules
Secret Elevator
And this!
Kagome's Fright + Schedule and Rules
"As the one in charge of the Spookhouse, you are naturally a member of park management, meaning you were capable of altering the schedule to ensure that both the basement and the farmhouse room would be empty at the time of the murder. But Kagome, who was meant to report to you directly, could have easily stumbled upon something she wasn't supposed to see. And as a medium with control over spirits, you had plenty of sway to ensure she kept quiet!"
"Ah!" Clarity reeled back, but still wasn't finished yet.
Neither was Fluttershy.
Employee Clearance Levels
Safety Protocols
Scorch Marks
Dirt's Testimony
Clarity's Testimony
Secret Elevator
And this too!
Safety Protocols + Secret Elevator
"Even as the Spookhouse manager, you weren't capable of bypassing the teleportation block. So once you had Burglar incapacitated by the banishment circle, you needed to use the secret elevator in the basement to carry her straight up to the farmhouse room. And that's how you carried out this murder!"
"Ahhhhh!" Clarity fell ungracefully back to solid ground. She slowly stood back up, legs shaky and panting for breath, unkempt mane trailing over her.
But she still had fight in her, it seemed. "That's... That's not evidence! None of it proves I'm guilty! That just means that it had to have been a member of park management!"
"Are we really going to continue with this?"
"What about what you saw?" Dirt pondered. "I heard the hunters mention that you saw a weird, muttery monster in the Spookhouse room."
"Right!" Clarity said, almost zealously. "That couldn't have been me! I'm just a normal unicorn!"
So she wasn't giving up. Fine. Fluttershy had another barrage ready.
Mortal in Banishment Circle
Bulky Shadow
Mysterious Whispers
Multiple Stab Wounds
It WAS you!
Mortal in Banishment Circle + Bulky Shadow
"I think it's simple," Fluttershy pondered. "Burglar had to end up in the farmhouse room somehow. I think it'd be easily explained if the shape I saw was you, with Burglar draped over your shoulders!"
Clarity flinched. "That's not—"
"And the explanation for the whispers is simple too."
Mysterious Whispers + Multiple Stab Wounds
"While she was paralyzed in the basement, there's no reason to think she was actually killed there! Those whispers I heard make sense, if Burglar was still alive! You took her up to the farmhouse room to finish her off, and she was begging for mercy!"
Even Dirt looked horrified. "How could you...?"
"I-It wasn't me!" Clarity said, clearly desperate. By now, the commotion had attracted a large crowd of parkgoers and monsters alike, all of whom looked doubtful of her innocence to say the least. "W-what about the lack of hoofprints!? There were none found around the body! I couldn't have been there."
Rocking Chair
Bloodstains
Lack of Hoofprints
Burns on Legs
Magic Noises
Yes you could have!
Lack of Hoofprints + Magic Noises
"Come on, that one isn't even that hard. You simply used your magic to stir up the dust after you were done, covering any prints you left behind."
"I think the writing's on the wall," Discord acknowledged.
Fluttershy couldn't help but smirk.
There’s still one combination left. Thinking over all the evidence, I know exactly what’s needed to prove her guilt.
And it’s right here!
Mysterious Meeting Letter + Hunt Hoofbook
"The writing may be on the wall, but it’s also on that letter we found on Burglar, and in the margins of your copy of the Hunt Hoofbook," Fluttershy agreed. "I think comparing the writing in those would be enough to prove everything, right?"
Debate End! Case Solved!
Apparently so.
Clarity, now hyperventilating, looked between them both, and turned to bolt.
This time, Discord was on the case, already dressed in a full brown trench coat and glasses while yelling through a megaphone. "Attention! We have a small medium at large!" He chuckled. "I've always wanted to use that one."
"Discord!" Fluttershy shouted.
"Oh, alright." He instantly warped ahead of where Clarity was running, raising a hand up high.
"ZA WARUDO!"
Clarity screamed, cowering in fear as a huge steamroller came falling towards her.
...And she remained cowering as it froze in place a few feet above her head. "Don't believe your own lies," Discord chided. "Regardless of what you may think of me, I am not a killer."
She glared, slowly getting back up just as the Hunt closed in.
"I've got her!" Shat yelled, rushing in to tackle her back to the ground. "Can I please have my name back now?"
"Oh, very well!" Discord rolled his eyes, and snapped his fingers.
Shatter gave a relieved sigh. "Thank you!"
Gold gave him a strange look, but ignored him. "We overheard everything," she informed as she strutted up to Clarity, scowling. "I think it's easy to say you're expelled from the Hunt. Why did you kill Burglar?"
Clarity flinched, tears leaking at the corners of her eyes. "N-no, please! I didn't mean to! I was trying to banish that... that..." She turned to Discord with a snarl and a glare. "That EMBARRASSMENT to the Hunt! Who builds a House of the Hunt to protect monsters!? Not to mention his constant pranks making us look utterly silly! When Burglar triggered my trap, I had to adapt! I had to get rid of him somehow!"
"Yet, at a grand total of one, you've killed more innocent ponies than most of the monsters of this park," Discord snapped, glaring back.
Drippy coughed uncomfortably. "Yeeeeah he's got a good point there, Clarity. Anyway, we'll take—"
"That won't be necessary," Discord assured. "I'm perfectly capable of punishing one of my own Hunters. Silver?"
Fluttershy jumped as a pillar of flame erupted next to her, and Silver Lining stepped out. "It's about time!" The demon pony said with a little smile, twirling an iron collar on a chain. "I wanted a bigger role, but I guess I have to settle for being a red herring."
Before Clarity could react, Silver clapped the collar around her neck. The medium tried to run, but was inexorably dragged backwards as Silver walked back into the pillar of flame, and the two of them disappeared.
"Baaaaaai, Clarity!" Twitchy waved energetically. "Aw, shucks. I was hoping she'd get 'Kackling Feeding Duty' as punishment. That girl could really use a good laugh."
Fluttershy was just trying to maintain a positive attitude herself. A little difficult after seeing that, but overall pretty easy when thinking of what she had accomplished. She'd just solved a murder case, and more importantly, saved one of her closest friends in the process.
She wasn't the only one impressed either. "Not bad, Fluttershy," Gold Star said approvingly. "I suppose we owe you an apology for doubting you."
"Yeah, we're sorry," Shatter said, already strong words from a Steel hunter. His brief existential crisis was likely a contributing factor. "I thought it might be too much for a civilian, but you really pulled it off in the end."
"Hey, maybe you should join the Hunt," Drippy suggested, giving a fanged grin. "The House of Mind could use a brain like yours."
The thought of taking on that level of responsibility proved to be a fatal blow.
Confidence -1!
Confidence 0/5
Game Over!
And Fluttershy was out like a light once more.
She awoke not long later when Discord gently prodded her. "Wake up. They're gone."
Fluttershy groaned as she got up. "Thank you for the mind control, by the way," she said weakly. "I probably would've collapsed more than twice without it."
"Oh. Right. That." Discord suddenly looked very sheepish, tapping his front hooves together as he blushed through his wool. "I uh... I didn't actually do anything but wake you up with that."
Fluttershy blinked. "What? So that was all..."
"All you, yes. Are you really that surprised? We all know how driven you can be when your friends are on the line."
She paused for a moment, then tackled Discord with a hug.
"Oof! For the Element of Kindness, you sure have a powerful grip." He gently patted her on the back. "Shall I take you home for now? You've certainly had a busy night."
"One more thing," Fluttershy said. "Could I have a pen and paper?"
"What for?" he asked, conjuring them up.
"I want to write a letter to Princess Celestia about what I learned today. I know we haven't done that in a while, but this time feels special." She took pen in mouth, then began to write.
Dear, Princess Celestia
Today, I solved a murder and
Fluttershy stopped. "On second thought, maybe I shouldn't write about this."
Discord glanced up at the sky. Just outside the bounds of reality, he could faintly see the distinct, everpresent mark of 'TV-Y7'. "Yes, that's probably for the best. We'll just keep this little adventure to ourselves."
“...And that’s the entire story of how Fluttershy solved a murder and saved my assorted hindquarters,” Discord finished, looking over the cards in his hand. “Your move, by the way.”
The yellow triangle sitting across the table raised a nonexistent eyebrow, adjusting his bowtie before looking over his own hand. “Did you make that all up? Because it sounds like you made it all up.”
Discord gasped, putting a lion’s paw to his chest. “Why, I’m offended, Bill. Do you really think I would invite you to play cards in the infinite space between dimensions just to go on for hours about a whimsical murder mystery that never really happened?”
“Yes,” Bill said bluntly, laying down his cards. “Three of a kind.” Two identical triangles appeared behind him.
Discord sighed, playing his hand. “Hit me.” All three Bills socked him in the face, hard enough to reassemble his various body parts before Discord shuffled them back into place. “Well, you’re right. But not this time! Fluttershy really did save the day, and I couldn’t be prouder.”
“Then it’s a shame Butterflies couldn’t be here to salvage your playing skills,” Bill taunted, merging back into one. “I bet that Stare of hers would make one heckuva poker face.”
Discord smirked. “I think we both know I can fool you just fine on my own, for you’ve just activated my trap card! Go fish!”
“Bah.” Bill switched his top hat for a fisher’s cap and threw a line out into the void of chaos surrounding them. “So is there a reason you turned the whole thing into some surreal video game?”
“Why not?”
“Fair enough. Whoa, I’ve got a bite!” Bill reeled a card in, thrashing and snapping. He snatched it up just long enough to read it before tossing it back into the endless sea. “Draw four.”
“How’s this?” Discord asked, stepping aside to show an easel depicting an elegantly-crafted number four in various styles, colors, and dimensions.
“Eh. I’d prefer something more geometrically sound.”
“You would.” He pulled another card. “Go to jail!?” A series of bars snapped around him, not unlike a bird cage. “Really? To just end up imprisoned again after all my hard work?”
“Sucks, doesn’t it?” He threw down his own remaining card. “Uno.”
“Dos!”
“Tres!” He flipped it over triumphantly. “Ha! You’re the Old Maid! I win again, Spare Parts!”
Discord crossed his arms, now adorned in a ratty brown dress and bonnet. “A worthy opponent as ever, Cipher.”
“You would know!” he cackled.
“Yes, very amusing.” He shook off the dress, and the cage surrounding him. “Which reminds me, I’ve been meaning to ask something. Why haven’t you tried to unleash your ‘Oddpocalypse’ on Equestria again?”
Bill shrugged. “I can’t just pull the same tired schtick over and over again. Then it gets predictable, and that goes against my nature. I’ll give it a couple centuries, try somewhere else. Maybe that weird frog world.”
“I can certainly relate.”
A doorbell rang, despite the lack of any discernible door. Discord grabbed the fabric of reality and opened one anyway.
“No, wait, don’t answer that!” Bill said frantically.
Beyond the hole in time-space was Rarity, holding a polished, black top hat. “Oh, Discord! I have an order for your guest, Mr. Cipher.”
He bore a grin that would make the Cheshire Cat blush. “Why thank you, Rarity. I’ll deliver it right away.”
As the hole closed up and Bill claimed his new hat, his all-seeing eye couldn’t unsee the face Discord was making. “Ugh, fine! Gemstones has good fashion sense. It’s just doing business. If you say I learned a lesson in friendship, I’m going to kill you again.”
“Like I said,” Discord replied simply, “I can relate.”