Celestia and Luna Eat a Hot Pepper

by Chessie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4511

A dispute over housekeeping leads to a battle of the titans.

Celestia and Luna have been sisters for more than a millennium. If only that made things easier!

Will poor housekeeping lead to the destruction of Equestria?

Will Spike ever find true love while wearing cupcake shaped hats?

Will Twilight Sparkle ever learn to play the banjo?

(No banjos were harmed in the making of this fiction. If you want to find out the answers to those last two questions, you'll probably have to go read something else.)

Cover art commissioned from Akasashi (http://akashasi.deviantart.com)

Spanish translation by SPANIARD-KIWI

Published 2012-10-03 06:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-03 06:30:01 UTC

Battle of the Titans

Celestia and Luna Eat A Hot Pepper

By Chessie the Cat

Edited by CEO Kasen

“Sister, we are not pleased!”

Celestia, sitting on her pillow on the balcony of her chambers, cringed as Luna’s voice boomed through the halls of the royal castle; she wondered exactly what she’d done this time. Luna never called her ‘Sister’ unless she’d made a particularly spectacular hash of things. It was also mid-morning, and by all rights the Night Princess should have been in bed.

Celestia’s ears tilted to find the source of her sister’s voice -- left... right... no, up. She barely had time to scramble back off of her pillow as the Princess of the Night crashed down where she had been seconds before. The cushion burst under the four-hooved impact, feathers blowing in every possible direction.

“Tia, we have tried to be patient, but this... this is the last straw!” Luna’s blue cheeks puffed with anger as she tossed down a pair of Celestia’s favorite socks.

The Sun Princess composed herself, putting on her most well-practiced patient smile, then swept up the socks and held them to her breast. "Oh, my...sister, I did not leave these in your chambers, did I?” She sniffed them and made a face. They smelled like rotten milk. “Where did they get to?”

“Where they got to was in our breakfast cereal! We swear, Tia, a thousand years and you’re still a slob!” Luna raged, her mane swelling in proportion to her fury. “These night time servants you’ve given us lack the experience the day crew has!” The irate alicorn stomped a hoof, almost cracking the marble. “I wish to trade up!”

Celestia had to admit, the servants had their hooves full keeping after two princesses. Even after the antics of the first year -- which included a period during which Luna had been taking five or six baths a day just to watch the water come out of the faucet -- they hadn’t managed to adjust entirely to cleaning up the sometimes spectacular messes a pair of alicorns could leave behind.

It didn’t help Luna had always been the neat freak. A thousand years of ponies serving her had left Celestia with a tendency to leave the menial things to others while she handled the important matters of an ever expanding kingdom.

“Wait, you... wish to... trade servants?” Celestia’s ears flattened against her head. “Sister, some of those ponies spent years working up through the ranks to get to their current stations.”

“Yes, and they deserve a mistress who will not use her toothpaste to hoof-paint on the mirror!” Luna growled, tossing her sparkling mane.

The elder sister winced as she remembered the toothpaste incident. It’d been very steamy in the bathroom and long ago she learned toothpaste was an excellent way of getting condensation off the mirror. She might have gotten a little carried away when she found a pleasing shape. The mural might have been a bit much...

“Thou, dear sister, art sometimes absolutely disgusting! Let these new night crew ponies get some experience on a properly befouled room after thou hath spent a few nights in it so they can serve us properly!”

“I... Luna, please, be reasonable...” Celestia tried to console her but her sister was having none of it.

“No! We admit we have had some trouble of our own, but this is inexcusable!”

Considering the situation for a moment the sun princess crossed her hooves under herself, settling once again. Her sister wasn’t perfect by any means, but it was obvious something needed to be done.

During their youths, Celestia and Luna had the entirety of the great outdoors in which to make their messes, sleep, and generally relax. Checking back through her several thousand years of life, Celestia could find nothing similar she’d ever had to deal with personally. Unusual as it might have been, she found herself at a loss.

“Luna, we can discuss this after court...”

“Sister, we are warning thee! We refuse to sleep another day in these apartments unless something is done!”

“And I am not giving you my servants! That is simply ridiculous!”

Celestia huffed, her wings beating at the air and blowing her glowing ethereal mane around her shoulders as she considered the situation. Then it came to her. Her student, Twilight Sparkle, had a sibling. She must have some insight. Celestia often found her friendship reports of great assistance in dealing with her sister’s sometimes mercurial moods.

“I have a thought, if you’ll allow me.” She began, gaining confidence as Luna’s breathing evened out. “We should write to my student. She may be able to tell us what to do about this situation.”

The dark alicorn pursed her lips, turning one eye towards her sister. “Thou... wilt accept her judgement on the matter?”

“Yes.” Celestia conceded. “If she says we switch servants then... we shall.”

Luna blew out a long, slow breath. “We find this acceptable. Twilight is fair minded and we trust her to be unbiased.” Pushing her hooves together the Night Princess turned and blasted off the balcony back toward her own chambers.

Celestia watched her go then called out towards the door, “Moon Song? Moon Song, could you come in here for a moment?”

The princess’s secretary stuck her head around the door then snapped off a quick bow and dashed across the room, skidding to a stop in front of her mistress. The little orange unicorn floated out her clipboard, at the ready. “Your Majesty? Is there something I can get you?”

“No, but... I must ask you. Do you like serving me, Moon Song?”

“What? Of course, Your Maj--”

Celestia reached out a hoof and lightly touched the mare’s chest, cutting her off. “Please, I would ask you to be honest. I want to know your true feelings. No punishments will fall on your head if you are truthful with me.”

Moon Song hesitated for several seconds. She’d been in the middle of a budget meeting with several heads of state when the Princess’s call came and teleporting to the other end of the castle was taxing, as was the listening spell she’d long ago cast on the chamber door so she could always be on hoof if her mistress called. Looking up into the eyes of the sun princess, she found real worry there.

“Y-your Majesty... all of the ponies in Equestria love you-”

“That is not what I asked...” Celestia sighed, folding her wings against her sides. “Please, Moon Song? Understand, I am giving you my permission. Be honest.”

Working for the Princess for years she’d often seen the softer side of the country’s much loved ruler though never had she been asked for such candor. This rare moment was not to be wasted.

Still, it took a moment for Moon to screw up her courage.

“Princess, your servants... we understand you are busy but... could you please not leave your lunch in the radiator again? Our quarters share the vent system with yours and the bedrooms smelled like rotting orange peels for two weeks...”

Celestia was taken aback. She didn’t even remember doing that but admitted internally she couldn’t put it past herself.

“Is... there anything else?” She asked, her cheeks lightly flushed.

“C-could you ask your sister t-to go to the bathroom in the toilet instead of in the garden?”

“What?!” Celestia shot upright.

“Sh-she uses the garden most mornings since she returned. Nopony had the fortitude to tell her the toilet wasn’t for drinking out of...”

The sun princess had to call on a thousand years of royal reserve to avoid collapsing in a fit of laughter; it was a feat of supreme fortitude that all she produced was a quirk of the lips as she replied, “Yes, I... I will mention it to her. Take a message for my student, please?”

Moon Song nodded eagerly, her quill poised at the ready.

****

To My Faithful Student,

My sister and I are in an unfortunate situation and I would be grateful your input. If you could make your way to Canterlot, we would much appreciate it. It is not an emergency but could use your personal attention. We will describe it once you arrive.

Yours,

Princess Celestia

****

Twilight Sparkle read the note quickly, then closed it with a flick of her horn and sent it onto a shelf alongside the dozens of other notes from the Princess.

“Spike? I’ll be leaving for Canterlot immediately. Would you take care of the library for me until I return? The Princess needs me and I’d rather not keep her waiting.” She said, levitating her saddlebags onto her back and beginning to stuff them with a few necessary items.

The neonate dragon pulled himself upright on his bed and grumbled irritably. “Come on, Twilight... I just got everything catalogued. Can’t I have a break?”

“This will be your break, Spike! Just make sure nopony checks anything out for more than a week and I’ll see you in a couple of days, alright?”

“Fiiine...” Spike lowered his head, burying it in his pillow.

The unicorn held two books in front of her, trying to decide which one to take. After an unnecessarily extended period of indecision, she jammed them both into her saddlebag on top of a couple of pieces of cool weather clothing.

“When the Princess calls, I answer. I’m sure it’s nothing major.”

This was not entirely accurate; The librarian merely prayed it was nothing major. She contemplated this.

“Spike,” she added, “could you make sure everypony else knows where I’ve gone? If I end up on the moon I’d like somepony to know.”

****

“-and she leaves the lights on! I am trying to sleep at night!”

“We may be Princess of the Night but we cannot work in absolute darkness!”

Twilight stood between the two eternal, divine royals, one hoof on her forehead in a futile effort to stop her brain from spinning.

Things had not gone well. It had begun mostly cordially, with pleasant greetings and tea with the Princesses; Under normal circumstances it would have been a dream come true. Unfortunately, the Princesses had spent entire time tossing angry looks at one another when they thought she wasn’t looking. They’d asked the servants to vacate the room, then began describing their situation to the young library pony, whose ears slowly drooped as things began to devolve into the two sisters throwing recriminations at one another.

Twilight couldn’t help but see a reflection of the sometimes epic disagreements she and her brother had gotten into when she was in her teenage years. While they did love each other desperately, that often made it that much worse when they finally came to an actual problem. Neither of them were prone to ‘fights’ as such, but they did tend to take various forms of petty revenge when they felt slighted.

Of course, that was her and her brother. These were the rulers of the entire country, and the two beings who controlled the sun and moon simultaneously; ‘order of magnitude’ didn’t quite do the difference justice.

After a few minutes, Twilight had tuned out most of the bickering almost on reflex and turned inward, using her considerable intellect to try to come up with a suitable solution.

“-it was not our idea to have that awful Prince Blueblood share a wall with us! He snores like Cerberus!”

“You might have just asked me to move him rather than tossing him into the reflecting pool!” Celestia seethed, standing forehead to forehead with her sister, their horns clashing with one another and eyes flashing furiously.

They both turned to Twilight.

“My faithful student... we... I... I apologize for bringing you into this. Can you help us?”

Luna grunted in an unladylike fashion. “It is thy fault sister.” She lowered her head towards the thinking unicorn. “We are still sorry thou must see us like this, Miss Sparkle...”

Twilight jerked her head up and looked back and forth between them, coming out of her own thoughts. “I’m... sorry, Your Majesties. I don’t know what I can do. I’m just a librarian.”

“You are an element of Harmony, and you have had a brother. I... I am ashamed to say I am a thousand years out of practice at having a sister.” Celestia let out a groan and Luna’s eyes softened slightly though the anger still simmered just under the surface.

“As are we. Canst thou help?” Luna added, pensively.

Twilight tapped her chin contemplatively. Her own childhood with Shining Armor had usually been pretty peaceful, although...

And then she had it.

“You know... I think I can. May I ask, are either of you fans of hot food?”

Luna looked at Celestia, then shook her head. “Not that we know of. We have not had spicy things in nearly a millennium.”

Celestia shrugged her slender shoulder, brushing her flowing mane from her eyes. “I do not much care for spicy things much at all. My student, may I ask what you have in mind?”

With a grin, Twilight sat down on the cold stone floor, clapping her purple hooves together. “I think I’ve got an idea. I’ve read about the ‘Royal Duel.' It was the way you used to settle things back before we had courts, right?”

The sun princess’s eyes widened. “Twilight, those duels were violent affairs! Surely you’re not suggesting-”

“No, no, nothing like that! Just... a wager. A bet! Whoever wins keeps the daytime servants.”

“But those duels always had a clause for both parties failing. They were to be tests to prove worthiness as much as settle disagreements.” Luna put in.

Twilight thought further, then her expression lit up. “Alright, then if you both lose. For a month and under the direction of your staff you must clean your own chambers. Without magic.”

Both princesses took an involuntary step backwards.

“Clean our own-”

“Without magic? Thou art joking-”

“Yes! You said you’d accept my solution, and this is it!” Twilight insisted, her grin spreading as she settled a little too comfortably into her role as arbiter.

Celestia flicked her eyes at Luna, who returned a sideways glance, the meaning of which was clear to both parties: Maaaaaybe this was a bad idea. Despite that, neither of them had managed to come up with anything adequate in the two days since Celestia sent off the letter, and they were at the end of their collective wits.

“Very well, Twilight. We trust thy judgement. What sort of challenge?” Luna asked, rising and pacing back and forth.

Twilight’s horn glowed brightly. A tiny paper package popped into existence beside her and she grabbed it out of the air in her teeth, setting it on the steps leading up to the sisters' thrones. “Could you call the servants back in and have them get us two buckets full of milk?”

“Buckets full of... whatever for?” Celestia asked, curious.

“You will see, Your Majesty.” Twilight murmured with a mysterious smile.

Luna gave Twilight a dubious look, but she soon called to the servants in a deafening shout: “Servant! Two buckets of milk!”

Moon Song looked in, rubbing one ear with a hoof. “I’m sorry... Buckets, your majesties?”

Celestia nodded, regally dipping her chin. “Buckets. Just bring them, would you Miss Song?”

“Yes, your majesty. I’ll be right back.”

The three waited, Twilight concealing her nervousness about her solution whilst Luna and Celestia did the same, circling the hall pensively, very pointedly not looking at each other.

After some minutes the unicorn servant returned with two silver pails full to the brim with milk, floating in her orange magical levitation. Twilight took them from her, the telekinetic glow shifting fluidly to purple; she then set them before the Princesses. Moon Song wisely retreated, stopping only momentarily at the door to gaze back at the three ponies before shutting it behind her.

The librarian pulled her streaked purple tail around herself and sat, picking the package back up from the stair and peeling it open. “I got these from Zecora for Pinkie Pie, but I think this might be a better use. She’s been breeding these for years.”

Tearing back the paper, Twilight revealed two misshapen pods, each barely three inches across. They were a fearful, red color that put Celestia in mind of the mane of one of her Wonderbolts. A strong, almost chemical smell radiated off of them, but she couldn’t quite place it.

With some aplomb, Twilight set the peppers in front of the two divine beings who held the fate of the kingdom in their hooves. “These are Mareuga Scorpions. They’re the hottest peppers in all of the zebra lands.”

Luna’s lip curled in contempt as she nudged the ugly little vegetable, then eyed her sister.

“The challenge goes like this.” continued Twilight. “You both eat one, chew for thirty seconds, then swallow. Whoever goes for her milk first loses. If you're both drinking at the same time, you both lose. Does that work?”

Celestia felt a hint of fear tickle the back of her throat. It was, oddly, a little thrilling.

“Sister? Dost thou think this will work?” Luna asked.

Twitching her brilliant mane, the sun princess’s horn glowed and she floated the pepper to her lips. “I do not think we have a choice. Remember what happened the last time we couldn’t come to an agreement?”

Luna’s breath caught as her mind flashed back to a very cold, very dark, and very long period spent in isolation. “Vividly.” Her horn also glowed as she lifted the pod to her muzzle.

Twilight dropped the packaging paper, and a stopwatch appeared in her hoof. “Okay, are you ready?”

They both nodded.

“Go!”

For a confrontation between cosmically powerful beings, it began fairly quietly.

Celestia and Luna tucked the peppers into their lips, bit the stems, and sat back to chew. At first, Celestia thought there had been a mistake. It was sweet. Wonderfully sweet in fact. She sucked the seeds out of the pod and began mashing them with her teeth, grinding them in. As the stopwatch approached the thirty second mark she swallowed, confident in her victory. Her sister seemed equally unconcerned, using her tongue to pick bits of seed out of the back of her jaw.

The first tingle held barely a whisper of heat. She dismissed it initially, but it persisted, growing steadily until it became a subtle burn... and then, all at once, fire blossomed in her muzzle.

Celestia had experienced all sorts of sensations in her many-century life, but nothing had prepared her for this one.

Twilight took several steps back in anticipation.

Luna opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came. Her eyes bulged suddenly; her wings burst straight out from her sides, quivering at the tips.

Princess Celestia’s ears turned back as she blew a long, slow breath, trying to cool the burgeoning flames attacking her lips. It wouldn’t be so bad, if only it would stop building. She thought it was surely her imagination, but she could almost believe she’d seen a curl of smoke drifting up from her nostrils.

“Sister... this is very slightly... discomforting,” Luna whispered, then she let out a sound the sun ruler hadn’t heard since they were both foals playing in the cosmic aether; The Princess of the Night hiccuped.

“Oh heavens.” Celestia stumbled back onto the stairs, her eyes tightly closed as she did her best not to think about the pain in her lips. It kept getting worse! She wiggled loose a seed stuck in her back teeth and it felt as though a super-heated needle were being driven into her tongue, burning with the rage of a hydra who’d stubbed his toe.

Celestia opened her mouth to say something, intending an ‘It’s not so bad’ with suitable royal calm; One could reasonably argue that the blast of flame that shot from the white alicorn’s muzzle in place of words, squirting the pillows and setting them alight, did not have the desired effect. Twilight, thinking quickly, threw up a magical shield around the pillows, sucking all of the air out and quenching the fire with the vacuum.

“Maaaybe this was a bad idea.” The librarian squeaked.

Luna was quivering, her wings beating against her sides and creating powerful gusts that almost swept the tiny unicorn off her hooves as the Night Princess tried to cool the inferno in her guts.

“IT DOTH BURN ALL THE WAY DOWN!” She yelled, one of the enormous stained glass windows cracking right up the middle. She took off and flew in a quick circle, lightning crackling from the tips of her wings. Electricity danced over the floor, arcing between the pillars and leaving them scorched.

“Y-you can always give up...?” Twilight muttered, hopefully.

“NEVER!”

Celestia got herself back up, a constant stream of fire leaking from her lips. The heat radiating from her had increased twenty times over and was becoming quickly uncomfortable. Twilight took a few steps back as tears began leaking from her mentor’s eyes.

Celestia could feel her hooftips going numb as the tingling which had started this awful contest returned, this time spreading into her tail and withers. She risked a glance at her sister who was flailing at the air with her wings, barely keeping herself aloft.

“Thou hast given us a challenge! We will not quit! We will not!” Luna crashed in front of Twilight, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her insistently before dashing away and snapping up a pillow in her teeth which began immediately to smolder. More electrical surges spurted from her tail, burning holes in the carpet.

Celestia held her throat, her face bright red as she tried to contain another gout of flame. It finally escaped by blasting out of her ears with a sound like a train whistle.

Meanwhile, the night princess was trying to scrape her tongue with her hooves, crying angrily as she beat her rear legs against the floor like a filly having a tantrum. A storm was brewing overhead, clouds gathering near the ceiling, and Twilight popped an umbrella over her head. Water began to fall and Luna opened her lips, trying to catch some.

It wasn’t technically a violation of the rules; Twilight had said no milk.

Not that it helped.

“Oh, Tartarus, now it burns EVERYWHERE!” Luna shrieked, spitting the water out as it spread the pepper’s potent fire around in her mouth. Her eyes were beginning to get wild.

Tilting her head back, Celestia started to say something, but again, where words were wanted, there was only fire. A white hot explosion of flame blasted from her muzzle, coating her throne, which melted instantly into a puddle of molten gold, spilling down the steps.

She’d had enough. Sprinting to the bucket of milk, all regal poise gone, the sun princess stuck her head in it up to her ears and drank deeply, splashing much of it around her ankles. The soothing liquid coursed down her throat, killing the fiery menace enough for her to breathe again. Her nostrils still felt like they’d had a hot poker shoved in both of them.

As she reached the bottom of the bucket she heard a slurping sound beside her. Still breathing heavily, she lifted her head to see Luna standing there, her own muzzle dripping white droplets and her crown askew as she chugged the entire bucket in one gulp.

Twilight huddled against the door to which she had retreated, both hooves over her eyes and a shimmering purple shield surrounding her body.

Slowly, she lifted her head. “Your majesties?”

There could be only one reply.

“More milk!”

****

Moon Song stood beside the Sun Princess, who wore an extremely fetching apron around her chest and a rag binding her beautiful, flowing mane back. Her crown, mantel, and golden horseshoes sat beside the bed in a heap as she knelt on the tiles, scrubbing at a particularly bothersome spot.

“Oof...how do you get this insufferable stuff out?” Celestia snarled, flinging her sponge across the room in frustration. After a second, she got up and retrieved it, slumping back onto her stomach and going back to scrubbing at the stubborn discoloration.

“Circular motion and let it soak for a minute if it won’t come out right now. Scrape with a hooftip if you have to.” Moon Song admonished, passing a bucket of water over to her and spilling some over the spot as well as over her ruler’s forelegs.

Celestia examined her recently hooficured toes then moaned unhappily as she began picking at the edge of the stain. Across the room, Luna swept the feathers from the pillow she’d destroyed earlier, occasionally letting out a frustrated snort as one got into her nose and made her sneeze so loudly the building rattled.

“This is intolerable... how doth the servants do it?” Luna whined.

A soft knock came at the door. “Cooome iiiiin...” Moon singsonged, holding her clipboard to her chest.

Twilight pushed open the door, a pair of drinks floating alongside. She passed one to Moon and they shared a sip from their straws, settling on the bed to watch.

****

My Dear Faithful Student,

I have, I believe, learned the lesson you meant me to. I am pleased to discover that after thousands of years I still have things to learn.

We are rulers of this land, and everypony suffers when we cannot be civil with one another. No matter how busy our days and nights may be, we must still treat those around us with dignity and respect, be they servants or one another. Perhaps if we had you a thousand years ago, things might not have... escalated... to the place they did.

I spoke to your brother. He told me a most interesting story of a similar situation involving a prank war between yourselves which ended with one of those lovely Neighponese dishes your mother collects being broken. I believe her competition involved extremely sour candies. After my recent experiences I must say I think your method could be introduced in the Royal Court to settle some of our more unpleasant political situations.

Luna and I are talking to one another again and taking tea each morning to work out our mutual problems. Luna is smiling more and I hear many fewer rumbles from the servants now that we have taken better care of our rooms. The palace staff even went so far as to throw us a little party the other day in celebration.

The hors d'oeuvres included cupcakes covered in peppers. Thankfully, not as vicious a breed as the ones you gave us. I believe, given time, I may develop a liking for hot things. The same cannot be said for Luna; She is still swilling milk when somepony so much as mentions ‘spice.’

We thank you, Twilight Sparkle. You have again saved Equestria, if only from our stubbornness.

Your teacher, and sometimes your student,

Princess Celestia