Inbred

by canonkiller

Rating: teen
Tags: Caramel, Big Macintosh, Romance, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1671

Three rules; marry in the family, with a girl, and do it young. Big Mac is no old stallion.

Granny Smith had three rules: fall in love young, love a girl, and have her be someone from the Apple linage.

Big Macintosh has broken quite a few rules lately, and he's no old stallion.

(Some borderline humor may be used.)

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** This story was written when I was 15, and the quality and content reflect that. Please be aware that my position on topics contained within may have changed in the time between publishing and now, and I apologize for any offensive material that I may have condoned in my younger years. **

Published 2012-11-02 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-02 19:20:01 UTC

An Apple's Dilemma

"You can't help with bucking with that side a'yours! You'll be pushin' up daisies in ten seconds flat!"

"Eenope."

Applejack furrowed her brow. "Macintosh Apple, I can clear all these trees by mahself! Ah don't need your pity party!"

Big Mac shrugged, twirling the stalk of hay in his mouth. "Ah don't think ya'll can do it, sis. That's a lotta apple trees for one apple pony."

"I'll make you a bet, Mr. Stronghorse," Applejack frowned, poking Mac's chest with a hoof. "If I can't clean all these here trees by the end of harvest season, you can take me to the spa and get me all dolled up, y'hear?"

The offer was enticing; shame was a constant source of entertainment for the two siblings. "And what if yah can?"

"You have to wear one of Granny Smith's girdles for a day."

"Ah'm on the farm all day, Applejack."

She grinned, a surprisingly devilish smirk. "On market day."

Big Macintosh shifted on his hooves, eyeing the vast fields. He sighed. "Bet taken."

Macintosh surveyed the damage caused by Applejack's impromptu bunny stampede; despite what she had told Fluttershy, they were definitely not worshipers of demons, they had not kidnapped Apple Bloom and Big Mac had certainly not told her so.

Nonetheless, it had totally gone by the exact plans of somebody who was not Macintosh. In fact, the mastermind was walking up to him right now.

"Hello, Macintosh."

"Hello, Miss Twilight."

The lavender Unicorn surveyed the damage. "I noticed his house was ransacked more than the others."

He winced at her accusing tone. "Ah swear Miss Twilight, all ah did was say that he had a cupboard full of carrots from last harvest!"

"And how would you know that?" She calmly replied.

"An Apple remembers his business."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Of course. When should I go ask him if he wants to stay in the library?"

"Oh, ah... um..." The large workhorse trembled slightly. "Uh... whenever you wish, Miss Twilight."

"Certainly. Oh, here he comes now!" The Unicorn trotted down the street, shouting his name.

Caramel...

The other stallion's perfectly groomed chocolate mane hung around his shocked expression, his golden coat offset by the pair of perfectly aligned blue horseshoes on each flank - not that Macintosh had looked at them often, of course not - and by his bright, sparkling eyes.

Big Macintosh felt himself blushing and shook his head quickly, focusing on something more distracting.

And distraction did indeed come his way, in the package of a very small filly and a very large bow.

"Hi, Mac!"

"Hullo, lil' sis." The stallion responded, rubbing his hoof through the mane of his other sister. "Whatcha doing out here? Where're your friends?"

"Oh." Apple Bloom sighed, looking down at her hooves. "Scootaloo has Pegafilly Camp today, and Sweetie Belle's visiting her parents in Canterlot."

Big Macintosh frowned slightly. He never liked seeing a family member feeling down. "Hey, why don'cha come out and buck apples with me today?"

"I thought Applejack was going to do all of 'em." The filly answered.

"We'll just have to do it," he knelt down to her ear, "in secret."

Apple Bloom's mood lightened twenty shades. "Cutie Mark Crusader Secret Apple Bucking yay!"

Macintosh saw Caramel look over, curious, but Twilight commanded his attention again before the workhorse could do anything he might regret.

"Uh... you run along and pick out the trees you want to try." Macintosh hurried, nudging the filly on her way. "And remember, don't tell Applejack!"

Twilight finished her discussion as he turned around again, and she once again joined him. She sighed. "He's going to have all of his stuff in the library by tomorrow evening. What's the next step of your scheme?"

"It's not a scheme." He frowned. "And the next step of my evaluation process is for you to check and see if he has any... questionable materials."

Twilight shuddered. "What am I getting out of this again?"

"Brotherly permission for Applejack." He replied bluntly.

"Oh... yeah..." Twilight blushed, looking down at her hooves. "He's staying the basement. If this goes as planned, you better make sure both myself and Spike are out. And lock the doors."

He nodded. "Of course, Miss Twilight. Wouldn't dream of harming the poor tyke."

"Do you mean Spike or Caramel?" She laughed.

Big Mac blushed again. "Just help Applejack with the crop harvest."

"Got it. Friendship report planned and everything." She tapped her head, smiling. "I'll see you tomorrow, Big Mac!"

He watched in a daze as she trotted off. Caramel... He sighed and began heading back to his own home, hoping Apple Bloom hadn't done anything wrong in his absence.

Whilst Apple Bloom recovered from her traumatic applesauce experience, Big Mac began setting up the market stall, Applejack's slightly-less-bleary form toiling away with the cart.

"Ah'm right tired, Mac. Ah really don't know how ya can lug this old deadweight around." Applejack shrugged her shoulders, shifting the heavy yoke around her neck. "This thing's so old I can't even tell if the wheels are turnin!"

"Ah find it works just fine." Mac replied, dropping the 'open' sign around a stray nail. "Now, ya keep a good eye on the stall, alright? Ah'll be back in a jiffy."

As Applejack nodded, the stallion set off at a brisk pace, the slight chill of the early morning prickling along his bare shoulders. Within mere moments, the workhorse had made it to the library.

He tapped the door with a hoof - remembering his previous assault, which required a new door - and patiently waited for the bookworm inside to appear.

She did, squinty-eyed and all-around disheveled. "Macintosh? What're you doing here?"

"The plan!" Macintosh whispered excitedly, losing his tough facade in his exuberance. "I've got the stall all set up!"

"Plan...? Oh, yes, the plan." Twilight shook her head, blinking a few times before stepping back from the door. "Sorry, come on in."

"Thanks." Mac walked in after her, the warmth of the cozy library replacing the cold outside.

"So, what am I telling him?" Twilight asked, trotting off to the kitchen. "And would you like tea, coffee?"

"No, ah'm fine. And um... there's a big sale on cider 'n pie, and... ah'm here to fix your bookshelf."

"None of my bookshelves are broken."

Big Mac looked around the room, frowning slightly. He trotted over to an older shelf with only a few books on it, carefully removed a shelf, and very casually bend it until it broke. "Yes, it is."

"Fine, broken shelf, sale, and whatnot." Twilight yawned. "You want to go wake Spike up?"

"Ah'd rather not. The kid's going to be in an awkward enough situation as-is."

Twilight snorted. "He's the same age I am! Just because he's a baby dragon doesn't mean he's young." She zoned out for a second, shuddering. "I saw what he keeps in his 'jewel box'."

Macintosh considered thinking about that fact, but eventually shrugged it off. "So... when are ya goin' ta wake up Caramel?"

She shook a hoof dismissively. "Eventually. Now go do something productive while I wake up."

"Okay, Miss Twilight. Ah'll go get some breakfast over at Sugarcube Corner. You want anything?"

"See if they have any of those gemstone cupcakes for Spike." She called after him.

Big Macintosh closed the door with a gentle swing, careful not to wake the other inhabitants. The hustle and bustle of the market was just beginning; the mailmare was finishing her rounds and the current newspaper colt was trotting around with his wagon.

The morning mist had cleared under the warm sun, hitting Macintosh's fur with its glow and dancing its heat across his face. He continued through the streets, noticing the infatuated stares of the mares working - he felt a bit guilty for a moment, before deciding he could be a donor instead - and arrived at Sugarcube Corner.

He gently opened the door, the bell ringing but the interior cold and quiet. "Um... anypony up?"

A pink face fell down in front of his. "Hiya, Big Macintosh!"

The stallion took a few steps back. "Pinkie Pie! What are y'all doin' on the ceiling!?"

"The bell wasn't working!" The mare replied happily. "Bats in the bellfrey, you know!"

"Bats in the... what?"

Pinkie Pie dropped down in front of him, revealing the plungers she had strapped to her legs. She lifted a hoof, a small bats perched on the bottom of it. "Bats love bells, didn't you know?"

She watched the little creature fly out the door as Macintosh struggled to find his voice. "Um... is the bakery open? It seems kinda... dark."

"Oh, of course it is! Sugarcube Corner is always open!" Pinkie Pie bounced over behind the counter, her tail swishing in a way that could potentially be taken as alluring. "Whaddaya need, big boy?"

"Uhm... do yah have any of them crystal cupcakes?"

Pinkie Pie nodded, hopping away into the back room. "Oh, surprising somepony special?"

A certain pony blundered by outside, obviously fueled only by the promise of pie. "Spike." Macintosh answered absently.

"Spike is your very special somepony?" Pinkie responded, trotting out with a glitterized doggie bag. "Well, it'd be fine if he was, but..." She lifted a hoof, waving it at the heights of the subjects in question.

"Oh, no, he's not, Ah'm getting it for Twilight. For Twilight for Spike."

Pinkie shrugged, handing him the bag. "You seem to be a bit tongue-tied at the moment, so I'll leave it be. Anything for yourself?"

"Jus' a bagel." He responded quietly.

Pinkie quickly retrieved the item, reassuring him that it was on the house as long as he remembered to save her some cider, and swiftly ushered him outside. The door slammed behind him, and the lights shut off.

The stallion looked back at the door for a few minutes before shrugging off the ponies antics and beginning the short walk back to the library. The plan was just beginning.