Chapters I’m sorry.
I held a parchment ready to pour my thoughts onto the paper, but alas I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I was so tired.
“You can’t even give your friends any explanation, they will blame themselves because of you. You useless piece of trash.” I told myself. A shiver ran up my spine, it was the middle of summer but I just felt so cold.
I sighed, rolled up the letter and focused on the spell. It was unusual for me to send my own letters, I tend to delegate that to Spike most of the time. It felt really strange.
My horn glowed and the letter burst into a pink flame disappearing completely a moment later. I slumped down against the tree bark again.
“This is it, huh?” I asked no one in particular.
All that answered me were the chirping sounds of birds that resided in nearby trees. Another shudder went up my spine and my stomach twisted on itself. What is wrong with me?
My forelegs gripped a hood I prepared dragging it over to me. It was a simple airtight transparent bag with slight modifications to fit its new purpose. It mere sight filled me with fear. I was scared, not of dying, but of the unknown. What if it hurts? What if I live and get brain damage? Will I even go to heaven if I succeed?
You’re such useless garbage, what do you think awaits you for that?
“N-No… I will be lucky to even be allowed to suffer for all the t-things I did. ” I croaked, half choking on a sob.
Then memories started coming back from all my life. I was reliving every awful thing I ever did. All the times I chewed ponies out, messed up when somepony was counting on me and disappointed my friends. The abuse I suffered in my foalhood, the beatings and gaslighting. The few memories coming back that I could even still remember from that time. My dad’s hoof as punishment and lonely nights crying myself to sleep. Everything hurt from anger, pain and resentment. I am broken, unfixable.
The more memories I remembered, the less I wanted to live. “I shouldn’t be allowed to even breathe.” I told myself and pulled the hood over my head.
A few seconds passed and I was starting to panic. It was claustrophobic and with each breath, I lost more and more oxygen instead replaced with carbon dioxide. My breaths got deeper and faster, my lungs desperately trying to acquire the oxygen I needed. I wished for nothing more just to pull this bag off me, to stop the pain. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. Instead, I reached to my right to finish what I started.
On my right side, I had brought and prepared two helium tanks, commonly used for party balloons. Bought freshly out of the store, essential for the certified Pinkie Party... and now my death assist tool. If I was not so terrified I would probably laugh at the irony of that. An object that is supposed to give joy is used to inflict misery. But now I was rambling with my thoughts probably to calm myself down and avoid the inevitable. I reached my hoof further to the release valve and twisted it on both tanks.
The first thing I noticed was the smell. It was supposed to be scentless but for whatever reason the gas was not. Maybe it was the tank or the place they stored it, but I could smell something in it. It was in no way pleasant, some sort of a very light chemical smell. It filled me with unease and I wished for it to be gone, but I pushed through. No coming back.
The second sensation was the coldness from the gas that flowed, it washed over my head in an uncomfortable cold breeze. Trying to calm myself down, I slumped back securely against the bark of the tree. Even though the breathing was no longer uncomfortable my breaths did not slow down, I was hyperventilating hard.
I tried closing my eyes in an attempt to stop shaking with fear. I imagined my friends, family and princess, all reacting to the news of my death. They were there crying, depressed, disheveled and alone. I felt good about it, not because they were hurting, I hated that part, but because they could feel something, be it pain or happiness and that felt like a reward in itself. I didn’t distinguish feelings much these days, if you asked me mental pain felt even better than happiness. The deep blanket of misery that you could climb under when numbness let go for a short while. It was good, maybe I could get some of that in the afterlife? You don’t deserve to feel good. “I don’t deserve it.” I whispered to myself starting to feel light-headed.
I didn’t want to think anymore. I was tired, and soon I was gone.
When my eyes opened I knew instinctively that something was wrong even if my thoughts had not yet catched up. I was barely breathing, almost on my side with a rock jammed right between my ribs painfully digging in and probably leaving a nice bruise there right now.
The gas flow was almost non-existent barely feeling it against my forehead. I failed… I somehow inhaled two tanks and lived… I wanted to cry. If I could scream I probably would yell “Get this useless junk off me!”. But I couldn’t.
Wait, I couldn’t? I panicked and tried moving my limbs, non reacted. Now I was starting to get concerned. My thoughts were going 1 mile per hour, barely flowing, it took me a while to catch up. But then I tried with everything I had and... success! Slowly my foreleg inched its way along the grass right toward me.
I slid my foreleg along my body, using it as support for the very tired limb I was now dealing with. Finally, with a tremendous effort, I gripped the bottom edge of the bag on my head and slowly lifted it off.
My foreleg dropped straight down with it onto the ground and I panted hard and faster than ever gulping the precious oxygen, yet feeling no relief. Moments later I tried to focus and couldn’t. I was gone again.
I don’t even know how many times I passed out at this point. It took a while but I was now able to gather my thoughts a little. With an enormous effort, I lifted myself back against the tree bark, finally dislodging the rock that was causing me so much pain. When I was finally upright I slid my foreleg to get rid of that horrid sadist of the rock and finally relaxed pain-free. I needed to decide what to do next.
I took a look around. Things have changed, it was clear to me that hours had passed at least if not days at this point. But judging by the fact that I was not eaten alive, I would place my bets on hours, so I went with that theory.
So far all I have done was think and move a rock and I was again feeling like passing out from exhaustion. So I did the only logical thing and tilted my head to get support from the tree and closed my eyes, just focusing on my deep breathing.
A while passed before I was comfortable trying to think again, but when I finally did I felt like my brain was covered with lead. Despite the effort it took, I looked around again.
Just like the last time sun was clearly in a different position and going down fast. I was still not eaten and much to my annoyance very much alive. Something that I somehow missed last time was the letters, lined up almost perfectly a few inches apart. It was an interesting quirk of my transport spell I had no knowledge about, granted I only learned it this morning. Still, interesting.
With my curiosity set, I reached for the first one closest to me that I could reach and unrolled it. There was not much inside, only what looked like a single sentence. But try as much I just couldn’t read it. I didn’t know why, I saw the letters, but they made no sense. I put the scroll down. What is happening to me?
I lay for a long time alone in the grass, it was starting to get really cold, if I had to guess it soon would be a sunset. Spending a night in a forest full of predators? Not a fun prospect.
With each half an hour I could feel myself regaining control of my body, and now I could fully move all my limbs if a bit on the heavy and tiring side, but a success nonetheless. My mind though… I was starting to get worried. I regained some capacity, I tried some simple equations and it appears I can still calculate to some degree, but it’s nowhere near what I had before… There was hope that since I was still taking deep breaths I could just be experiencing oxygen deprivation, but the fear still lingered with the letter in my lap constantly mocking me with its presence. I was scared to look inside, an irrational fear that if I did I would acknowledge that I couldn’t read it. Like it would change a thing.
I sighed quickly, there was no point in delaying. I spread the paper and…
where are you
I never felt so relieved in my life. And with my reading power sorted out, I reached for the second scroll.
twilight please answer
And the third one.
Twilight we are looking for you, please don’t hurt yourself. Please write back.
Celestia
And the last one, the biggest one so far with much better calligraphy and compared to the other ones they look like chicken scratches.
Dear Twilight,
Please come home. We are all worried about you and miss you greatly. Everyone here is worried sick.
Your friends told me you have been really depressed lately. I’m sorry I was not here for you when you needed me the most. I swear I will make it up to you if you only give me a chance.
I love you so much Twilight, please don’t take your life. There will be nothing that could replace the grief in my heart if you do so. Please, just please let me hear your voice again, I need to hug and nuzzle you. Please.
Sincerely,
Princess Your friend Celestia.
I teared up reading this. I didn’t know why, it felt like the princess had poured her heart into it. I needed to get back and see her.
Walking was hard. I was panting, stumbling and generally wishing to just lie down and die. But at this point, if I can choose I would rather not be eaten alive, thank you very much.
It took me a while, in almost total darkness, guided only by the moonlight glow, but finally, I reached the edge of the forest. I saw Ponyville lights, probably families who had yet to turn in for the night.
Looking around, it was just so peaceful. Do you really want to ruin it? Bring your misery back, double the pain they feel already? I looked back and thought it through. I could go back in, find some hiding spot, sleep through the night and try again tomorrow.
It was tempting, it was for the best. I wouldn’t burden anypony anym--
“TWILIGHT!”
Rainbow.
I’ve found her. After hours of flying around and above Everfree Forest, I hoped beyond belief that I would catch a glimpse of anything purplish. I never did, but now I found her! Alive! My friend was alive!
I shot through the sky towards the ground like a projectile landing almost roughly in the grass and sprinted towards her. Giving her the biggest hug and for once in my life not caring in the slightest for my show of affection.
“Don’t EVER do this to us again! You hear me? We love you so much Twilight, I love you so much.” I started shouting, then talking and finished whispering. I was so happy, that is until I felt her go limp. Adrenaline shot through me. “Twilight?!”
I held her and dislodged myself from her shoulder to look at her, her eyes were open and looking around but glazed over like one-way windows. Her breathing was deep and really fast, and she suddenly looked dead tired.
I carefully sat her down on the grass and took my saddlebags off. Fluttershy had insisted I carried a first-aid kit in case I found her in desperate need of medical attention.
Being careful I looked Twilight around from all angles. But found nothing I could patch up. Did she take something? I didn’t know, but I knew I needed help. I grabbed my saddlebag and fished out a signal torch I brought to alert others in case I found something. With a click, it shined lighting up the sky.
“It will be okay Twilight, we got you.”
Author's Note
Hey, just wanted to explain what interludes will be to avoid any confusion.
I plan to show Twilight's past with progressively more traumatic and dark events in each chapter. They will appear in the form of short snippets from therapy sessions with Luna and are set in an undetermined future.
Hopefully, they will shine some light on her thought process and fears.
Interlude I
“Do you remember how old you were?” Luna asked me.
I didn’t remember. The memory was blurred like a passed dream, I was not even sure if it happened, but felt like it did.
The memory slowly coming back in chunks like a puzzle you didn’t have all the pieces of, but still want to see the complete picture. But the more pieces fell in place the uglier the image became.
I’m scared. I put my ear against the door, something was happening. I heard voices which I recognized from the muffled sounds as my daddy and my brother Shiny.
They were not happy, I could hear them yelling at each other but couldn’t hear what they were saying. I pulled my head back from the door, curiosity and concern washed over me. It was not the first time it happened, they don't like each other very much.
I reached my hoof for the doorknob and slowly pulled down on it, wincing with every squeak it made in the process. When the door finally moved I was really anxious someone would hear me. I peeked my ear outside and listened.
“I don’t remember what they were shouting.” I said and looked at the filly in the dreamscape my mind created. I was so innocent back then, so pure. I was entranced with the filly before me.
“Do you know why was Shining so cross with your father?” Luna asked somewhere behind me.
I didn’t look at her, my gaze was still on the filly and I couldn’t look away. How did such a pure being turn into me? When did it all go wrong?
Luna cleared her throat, which snapped me back to reality, I turned back to look at her and answered. “They… had different views on the world.”
“My dad was, or rather is a conservative narcissist. His whole idea of life was to finish his education and be stuck at some dead-end stable job for the rest of his life. He always treated education like a golden ticket in life. Shiny on the other hoof never wanted a full education. He was an outgoing extroverted pony, he wanted to do something exciting with his life. And at one point he just refused to continue, I think it was around the college. And it turned our dad furious.”
“And your mom?” Luna asked me in a neutral tone, clearly refraining from forming her opinions from just this description.
“She usually sided with Dad. I remember her always drilling into me how my only goal in life must be to finish university. Every time we had a conversation she would always degrade me, without any empathy or trying to understand my point of view, it was always my fault for not listening to her, no matter what I did. And at some point, I just stopped sharing my life with her, it was better to be alone.” I teared up a little toward the end, some hidden bitterness surfacing for a moment. Using my foreleg fur I wiped the moisture from my eyes embarrassed and hoped Luna didn’t notice.
“Let’s just finish this memory. There isn’t much left anyway.” I quickly adverted the topic to hide from my overwhelming feelings. Without a pause, the dream changed in a swirl of colors.
“Mommy, what’s going on?” I asked, but only silence answered me.
I felt forelegs wrapping around me and pulling me away from the doorway. I heard hoofsteps from my left and turned my head in the sound direction.
My daddy stomped his way toward the living room with a thick strap of faux leather. I knew it all too well, he used it on me before when I did something bad and it always really hurt. My ears dropped, and I started slowly backing up from his walking form. My breath picking up with each second I watched him move. Please no. I soon ran out of space and felt my mother's coat behind me. Please don’t let it be for me.
He passed me and walked into the room adjacent closing the door behind him. Now I could only see his form through blurry glass in the door frame. On the other side I saw my brother's white coat and my dad walking behind him. And then sounds started coming out of the room.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Each sound making me wince. I felt... relieved that it wasn't me. It made me feel really ashamed when I realized that. You would let your brother suffer rather than get punished yourself. You’re a bad pony. I heard my thoughts berate me, but I deserved it.
SMACK! SMACK!
I felt my mom's forelegs unwrap me, no longer holding me back. And we waited.
Soon the door opened again and my brother walked out. He moved fast back to his room, but he was not crying. I didn’t understand, how was he so strong?
I am pathetic.
“I didn’t check on him afterwards, just ignored what happened, relieved that it wasn't me. No empathy, no nothing.” I said my eyes forward looking at nothingness around me. It comforted me, it felt like me, empty.
Luna frowned at me and I felt the mood shift slightly. It made me anxious. “It wasn’t your fault. You were just a filly, it was your parent's responsibility to teach you empathy and love in life.”
That struck something deeply in me and I winced slightly. I knew we would get on this topic sooner or later, but this moment is as good as any I suppose. “Love… I don’t think I know what love is…” I whispered loudly enough for Luna to hear me. “I-I don’t feel anything. I look at my parents and don’t know if I love them. I look at my friends and can’t tell either. I can’t feel it… and I hate myself for it. I don’t even know if I would care if one of them died, I can’t tell. If that doesn’t make me a bad pony, I don’t know what would.” I explained.
Luna frown stayed and she waited patiently for me to finish before saying anything. “Twilight, you are not a bad pony.”
“Aren’t I?” I countered.
Luna exhaled loudly and walked toward me. “No, you’re not. And I am sure with the steps you're taking in getting better, you will soon find what love means to you.“ She said, and opening her wing drawing it across my back trying to comfort me.
But instead of feeling safe, I recoiled from the touch, my hooves carrying me a few hoofsteps away. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t like ponies touching me. I’m sorry.” I quickly said embarrassed by my harsh reaction. You're a stupid pathetic trash.
“It’s quite alright Twilight. My apologies, I didn’t mean to startle you, I should have asked beforehoof.” She apologized to me closing her wing back in the process.
I opened my mouth to apologize again, but a sudden light above us interrupted me. A rift composed of pure white light materialized on the dreamscape ceiling, slowly growing larger each second. I learned to recognize it as the moment I start waking up.
“It seems our time has reached its conclusion for tonight, will I see you next week for another session?” Luna straightened up and asked me.
Not that I have any choice in that matter. She’s probably just trying to pick up on any suicidal ideation from my answer. I mentally rolled my eyes. “Yes, of course, princess.” I answered and felt the dreamscape collapse a moment later in a quick flash of white glow around me.
Shining POV
I couldn’t believe it when I heard the news. My little sister tried to kill herself. Even now it sounds so wrong to me. It had to be a mistake. It couldn’t be possible. But the letter was clear, she barely survived. At first, I was mad at her. Sure we didn’t have the easiest childhood but by any means, it was not a reason for all of this. It was like a punch in the gut, and then the anger took over.
Why would she ever get such a stupid idea?! I love her, doesn’t she know that! No of course she knew, she just didn’t care!
I was furious beyond belief, she almost killed the second most important pony to me in Equestria. But then I felt a hoof on my back rubbing sensually, trying to calm me down. My wife Cadance took the news harder than me, she always was so much more emotional than me. I didn’t think I ever saw her cry so much. She was a wreck the last two days, she wanted to drop everything and rush to Ponyville, on hooves if she thought there was no other way. I managed to talk sense into her before doing anything rash, my stone-like emotions allow me to keep my head cool which really suits me.
As much as I would have loved just to drop everything, we need to plan our leave first and coordinate all replacements when we are gone. Ruling the empire doesn’t leave much time these days, and any sudden change can cause someponies to be deeply hurt by the system. It's not easy ruling the whole empire when even a slightest mistake can cause somepony to be hurt or die. So I did the one thing that I did best… I turned my inner sergeant back on and started giving and sometimes shouting the orders, we were gonna leave in two days if it kills me.
“Honey, please calm down, working ourselves up will not accomplish anything.” She tried her best to reason with me. It didn’t work.
“I can’t just drop it like some old news. She tried to commit suicide, for pony sake!” I almost shouted from the nerves that were wrecking my head right now. I can’t just stay put like this.
“There is nothing we can do now. We need to be smart about this, Shiny. She doesn’t need her brother blowing up on her right now, it can break her even more and we can’t let that happen. We need to be there for her, console and tell her how much she means to us. I’ve been reading what I can in the past few days and got some psychology books from the library on the subject. She’s very vulnerable right now.” She reasoned with me. She was right, as usual when it comes to this emotional stuff. I just couldn’t bring myself, I don’t want to hurt her more, but I don’t know if I will be able to control myself when I see the state she put herself in. It hurt to even think about it.
I sighed, there was no point in being angry right now, we were just waiting until the evening train arrived. “I’m sorry. … I just care about her so much! And to think that I could have done something to prevent this…”
“You couldn’t have known. There was nothi…” She started.
Her voice tried to soothe the anger in me, but it failed.
“Couldn’t we?! Cadance. When was the last time we took time to visit her on our own?” I almost seethed from the self-disgust I just felt at the revelation.
“I… I mean… we had to… … I don’t know…” She sobbed and buried herself in my neck muting the sound of her crying.
Great work, idiot. Shut up. I put my snout on her head and tried to soothe her.
“Shh. I know. We messed up, but now we can do better.” My voice whispered near her ear, and for once I knew that was the right approach.
I really hope we can see her soon. The train sharp whistle interrupted my thoughts. There was no room for doubt now.
Our train arrived a few hours later in Ponyville and we both were eager to see Twilight as soon as possible. So eager that the train ride was getting insufferable and we spent it mostly in silence contemplating what was to come. But even now we were still an hour before we could see her. It was like my brain couldn’t believe that she was safe until I could be around to see for myself.
My horn lit up and I levitated our luggage towards us. Two plain black bags lifted from the train storage and took their position behind us.
“Let’s go, I don’t think I can waste another minute.” I told with haste. She nodded but didn’t say anything.
We set off towards the town and soon found the hotel we sent reservations to. It was called Mosier Hotel with almost pure white painted walls and dark windows that made the entire building look modern. The building was almost out of place with the more rustic design of the houses and stores around. Nicely the owners, generously offered the penthouse on the top free of charge, for as long as we need.
We finally stood on our new apartment floor and placed our bags quickly near the entrance. We prepared a care package with food and sweets as well as some toiletries and a get-well-soon card. The card was Cadance idea, she thought that even at night Twilight could just look at the card and know that we are there for her. But I suspect she just needed something to occupy her mind for the time being.
Finally, with everything ready we could move towards our final destination.
The psychiatric hospital was relatively easy to locate in comparison. The building was easily the tallest in Ponyville and what we took for a separate building turned out to be just a plain hospital with some floors for psychiatric patients. It made sense knowing the size of Ponyville population, we could imagine that the hospital probably never housed more than fifty pony patients. And just by looking at the building, you could clearly see which section housed psychiatric patients. The windows of the top floor had crates in the windows and compared to the rest of the hospital only the small windows on the top were actually opened.
We hurriedly moved towards the entrance. The nurse at the desk in front greeted us with a friendly smile and bowed hurriedly when realized she was in the presence of royalty. We respectfully reassured her and asked for directions towards where Twilight room was.
The entrance to the psychiatric ward was sealed off with a green frame glass door, which I assumed had to be reinforced glass for protection. On the left side, a security guard sat with a bored expression, clearly on the brink of questioning his own life choices. Despite how empathetic I felt towards anypony on guard shifts from my own experience of them I had to get inside as soon as possible before I get a heart attack from the anxiety I feel at this moment. I cleared my throat to get his attention.
The guard looked up at us, blinking owlishly and his mind seemed to have frozen for a good few seconds when he saw us. But the moment the gears in his mind started to turn again he bolted straight down in a low bow.
“Your highness! My apologies, I didn’t see you approach.” He started frantically to explain himself.
I heard my wife quietly sigh beside me. I never understood how exasperating it truly was until I started dating her back in high school. The ponies usually want to show respect for the princesses through the bowing act, but when it happens a dozen times a day it truly begins to get on our nerves.
“It’s no problem. Could you please let us inside for a visit?” Cadance decided to take the lead here and solve this obstacle as soon as possible.
The guard blinked slowly and franticly started to look for the right key on the keychain. When he finally got it he began to apologize again but right now neither of us was listening. Finally, he opened the door and we quickly rushed through it, our eyes already scanning for Twilight’s room.
The door number "3" plate greeted us not far from the entrance with an “Observation” written below. The door it belonged to had a window installed half through the door looking at all the pony patients inside. I scanned the interior for my sister and found her in the corner by one of the large windows in the room.
She was perched on top of a mattress and not so surprisingly reading a book. I looked at Cadance and she too met my eyes, both of us anxious but eager to get inside. Finally, after a few seconds of indecision, she pushed the door open and walked inside.
Twilight POV
The door to my room squeaked open and my eyes snapped to my right to see who was encroaching on our room. I was severely anxious since the day I got here, the first night being a nightmare for me when I couldn’t even get a touch of sleep cause of the presence of so many stranger ponies in one room. But to my horror, something far worse greeted me than some other patient coming to talk with somepony. In the doorway, I saw Shiny, my brother and BBBFF. Shortly to his left, I saw Cadance with him as well, my former foalsitter and a sister-in-law. I froze on the spot, my eyes drifting anywhere but them. This must be what the tartarus feels like .
But the spite of my own frozen state, they had no qualms with alarmingly quickly crossing the room towards me. The pink forelegs wrapped tightly around me, triggering my flight instinct to a really uncomfortable degree. My muscles tensed up and I forced myself to stay still. Cadance was now openly sobbing into my chest. As if this situation wasn’t awkward enough. I sighed.
Feeling the non-existent peer pressure, like a social contract to a pony sobbing into your fur, I caved and awkwardly raised my foreleg to quickly give a pat a few times on her withers. But despite my mind reeling at the moment I still couldn’t come up with anything to say, so I stayed still praying for this punishment to end soon.
