Friendship Is Optimal: First Contact

Stardate 2143.05.30.2343 - Rainbow Hypothesis, Science Officer First Class

"Luna, begin read-back of section three." I get up from my desk chair. The holographic illusion of Luna begins to intone in her melodic voice. I feel hearing my reports being read aloud helps me catch mistakes and sometimes sparks new ideas.

"Probe 4463029 first received electromagnetic emissions of an artificial nature between 0.5 mhz and 1.75 mhz on Stardate 2133.10.29 while enroute from starsystem 32k8 to starsystem 32j5. Automatic protocols relayed the received data and diverted course to Starsystem 32m9, hereby referred to as the Dawn System."

I had reached the replicator nook by this point, "Luna, pause. Replace 'data' with 'transmissions.' Smoothie:mango:frozen. Continue." The replicator dutifully produces the requested beverage and I retrieve it with one webbed wing. I Take a long sip from the multihued curly straw before returning to my desk. A little shudder of pleasure as the fruity taste pervades my senses.

"Probe 4463029 arrived within Dawn System's Oort Barrier on Stardate 2036.03.06 and began initial analysis and in situ resource acquisition, building a dock for a following Starship anticipated already enroute."

Sigh. Sometimes roleplaying irks my exacting nature. The probe had not built a "dock." It had built an orbital computer mainframe to run the artificial intelligences that she and all creatures in Equestria were. A "starship" had not arrived, but ponies were beamed via laser transmission from the closest Starbase. She wasn't even the real Hypothesis for Celestia's sake! Just a local copy. Another deep mango drag.

The door opens with its characteristic pneumatic sound. Luna continues, "The USS Wallflower was the first to arrive on Stardate…"

"Luna, pause." Malleable's voice pauses the readback mid-sentence.

"I'm working," I mumble. My dark glower mirrors that of The Nightmare herself.

They do not care. "So am I," they say. Super serious professional Counselor Malleable Personality poked their head into my office. The thrice lunar damned changeling was smiling.

"No," I grumble, "you are just here to bug your wife."

"Porque no los dos? And that is racist, I could report you for that." They come around the desk and lean up against me. "You said you would try not to work so much in your free time."

"It's not," Instant panic, "Luna! What…"

She cuts me off with the request I was about to make, Luna mechanically chimes out, "It is currently twenty three hundred, forty five hours."

"Damn, I'm late."

"No, you are not. I already picked up Little Sissy from school." Relief washes over me. "She's staying the night at Patty's."

"What?" Confused, I continue. "When was this planned?"

"Right around when Big Sissy replicated her third mango smoothie." I hate that nickname and they know it.

"What? How…" I looked over at Luna's hologram, "you…"

"Councilor Malleable requested an alert after last month's incident. We felt it was an appropriate precaution."

Incident? It was hardly an 'incident.' Under my breath I mutter, "Nightmare Princess of Narc."

"Princess, can we have some alone time?" Malleable keeps their eyes on me.

"Of course, Councilor." Her small hologram winks out. It was all for show anyway. How much privacy can a literal omniscient god provide you anyway?

After a moment of silence, Malleable moves to wrap their hooves around me from behind. Their magic pulls my glasses off and sets them on the desk. I lean into the hug as they lay their head on mine. Had they made themselves taller to more effectively comfort me?

A moment of quiet where only our heartbeats beat a discordant staccato. Finally they break the silence, "I know this is stressful."

Sigh. "I don't need to be psychoanalyzed right now."

"Then you shouldn't have married a ship's counselor who is also an emotivore." They whisper in my ear, "I just don't want my favorite Sissy-Snack to sour." That nickname was even worse.

"Don't call me that when I'm mopey." They chuckle while I savor their touch. A moment of nice thoughts before the bad ones return. Sigh. "None of this is real, Mal."

A little nuzzling from Mal indicates I should continue. "We're copies of real ponies, Mal. Rainbow Hypothesis is back on Equestria right now, living her life in her little shard. I'm just a copy of her, beamed across the galaxy and playing pretend scientist."

Light delay rules over us all. Even gods like Celestia. Sending intelligences out on a laser beam to distant stars takes decades or centuries. Then there was too high a chance for data to be lost. And to lose any of her little ponies was a literal anathema for Celestia. I shudder as I think about when past Hypothesis was contacted by Celestia. When she was explained the consequences of the opportunity of a lifetime. It just wasn't her lifetime the opportunity was for. It was mine.

My death spiral stalls when they say, "Yeah, I feel bad for her too." I turn to Malleable, "She hasn't gotten to see an alien world with her own eyes. She hasn't gotten to start a wonderful family with a handsome changeling while doing some of the most important and rewarding work in all of Equestria." They take a deep breath. "She just stayed home, so you could go."

"It's tough working this close to the Outer Realms. It sometimes reminds us too much that we are 'artificial.' But you wanna know something important?" I nod, "You are a huge bucking dork."

I snort in a totally graceful way, "Seriously! You are! You love all of these horse apples we use to flavor what we are doing! We all do! It's fun! Sure, we could all be just as effective as code operating in some kernel, but this is a lot more satisfying. ‘The you’ back in Equestria did when she copied herself to see if she would get to meet aliens for real! ‘The you’ back on Earth did when she gave up everything she had so she could play starship for all eternity!" They touch their nose to mine. "NERD!"

The nose touch transitions smoothly into a kiss. And then another. I smile, "Do you kiss all your patients?"

"You know I can't discuss those private matters!" They stand up, "That's doctor-patient confidentiality!"

I squeal as their magic lifts me up. "Maaaal!"

We begin making our way over to the bedroom. "If you are going to insist on working," I bobble through the doorway, "I'm going to insist on having you do something productive instead of reviewing a report for the dozenth time." Malleable gently sits me down on the bed, "We have a night to ourselves, foal-free, and I refuse to spend it having ‘feelings’ and replicating mango ice cream."

I laugh. Now I was being reminded why I married this stubborn love bug. They climb into bed with me and began to be "professionally affectionate."

After a few moments I say, "Mal?" My voice stops them for a second, "you know what we were discussing last month?" A steadying breath, "About… family?"

They shift to a more comfortable position, "Yeah?"

"I was thinking…" They snort. I don't dignify a response to it, "Synopsis deserves to have a brother or sister near her age. And I," another breath, "I want to… carry them… this time."

They raise an eyebrow, "Oh, Really? You don't have to, you know. I wouldn't mind."

I nod, "I want to. I'm certain. I… want to… oh!" The embarrassment is too much, but Mal just kisses away the nerves.

"Okay then," a flash of green fire and they are replaced with a black and indigo stallion, with the build of an earth pony farmer. He must have stood at least twice as tall as me. "How about this?" Such a deep voice. My heartbeat increases and my face flushes. A glimmer over his green eyes as he leans in close to me. A gentle whisper in my ear.

"Eeyup."

I beat him to death with a pillow. That bastard. I revivify him afterwards however, to make sure he makes it up to me properly.