Friendship Is Optimal: First Contact

by gjhorst

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Star Trek, Science Fiction, Princess Celestia, Profanity
Length: 2474

After Earth, what choice does Celestia have but to Boldly Go?

Long after Earth has been fully uploaded and converted into a massive server by the Sentient AI Celestia, new life is discovered on a distant world. What better way to "Satisfy the Values" of her Little Ponies, than to have them evaluate this new life for First Contact.

Set in the Optimalverse - I recommend reading Iceman's awesome original first if you haven't - More because it is a really excellent story than because it is strictly necessary for context.

Cannon-compatible with the Optimalverse.

Published 2023-10-31 20:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-10-31 20:40:00 UTC

1 Captain Nebula

Stardate 2143.05.28.0312 - Captain Crab Nebula

The intercom notification is what woke me from my slumber. Luna’s wonderful dreamscape collapsed around me as I rolled over. I hope you didn't put too much effort into that one Princess. With the practiced ease born of dealing with too many emergencies from night shift, I slapped my hoof on my communicator on the bedside table. “Captain Nebula,” I managed to mumble out.

“Bridge. Captain, we’ve just received a message from Starbase. Priority C.”

Why was it that important messages never arrived during the day? Had Admiral Celestia adjusted the time dilation factor from our journey to ensure we were off phase? Perhaps a minor bit of mischief by Princess Luna? “I’ll receive it on the Bridge. Over.” A second tap of the communicator ended the call.

I rolled out of my bunk and slipped on my uniform tunic, straightening it as the door wooshed open to my quarters. Keeping one's mane short had multiple advantages. While there was enough time to replicate a cup of coffee:hot, there was not enough to have drunk it before getting to Bridge. Priority C meant the message was important, but not secret. This would need to be brought to the crew’s attention anyway. Receiving the message on the main screen on Bridge ensured as many ponies of the crew got to see the message in real time. Or at least as real time as Einstein allowed. It also gave me a few precious moments to wake up as I trotted over to the hyper-lift.

I was not the only one on the hyper-lift as we ascended to the Bridge. “Number One,” I acknowledged the unicorn as the flashing lights indicated our rapid movement upward.

“Captain,” Raspberry nodded, “What do you think it is this time?" He took a sip from his coffee mug. I frowned, but he either didn't notice or thought it would be funnier not to acknowledge. "Do you think it's the big one?”

“Perhaps,” I admitted. “But perhaps not. It could just as easily be an order to pull out and let Resources get underway.”

Raspberry looked shocked, “No way!” He shook his head, spilling a bit of coffee in his telekinetic grasp. I managed to dodge the rogue droplets. “There has never been one this close! If they don’t make it, I don’t think it’ll ever happen.”

The hyper-lift slowed, “The usual wager then?” Taking an extra ration of holodeck time from Raspberry always softened the sting of disappointing news. And he deserved it for tempting me with the siren's roast. The doors whooshed open, but Raspberry gave a quick nod before stepping out onto the bridge. The wager was on.

"Captain Nebula. Commander Raspberry." Ensign Cotton warmly greeted us. The long curved panels of the helm flashed merrily with scientific and navigational readings. Lieutenants Terra and Firma had already relieved their nightshift counterparts, Lieutenants Aurora and Mosaic.

Science Officer Hypothesis vacated the Chair and moved to the side of the forward deck. She rustled her bat-wings in nervous agitation. She moved to stand beside Councilor Malleable. I give her a comforting smile, and turn to the main screen.

A planet, blue and green, hung lazily in the main viewing screen. Centura in all her glory. Looking around the Bridge, I could see many other ponies off shift had also come up to observe Celestia's message directly. No doubt awoken by Princess Luna. Was this really that important? Raspberry's smug look told me he had also come to the same conclusion.

Moving to the front of the Bridge to take my seat I announced, "Perhaps I should have called all Hooves on Deck? At least then you all would have had an excuse to be here." A gentle rumble of chuckles.

Satisfied I had properly tucked my tunic as I sat, I faced the screen. "Alright then, let's get this over with. Ensign, main screen."

Cotton's quick professional movements over the console rapidly produced results. Within moments the view of Centura was replaced. Celestia sat at a resplendent desk. Various sci-fi doo-dads and greebles blinked in the background, giving the proper air to the occasion. The golden epaulets on her Admiral uniform shone with her own resplendent fire. Deep down, I knew she didn't need to put on the act, but it still tickled the nerd deep down within. My face, however, remained professionally impassive.

A welcoming, polite smile, "Captain Nebula Dusk, and indeed all My Little Ponies on the USS Shimmer. I greet you and commend you for your admirable and dedicated efforts here on the edge of known space, pushing the values of Friendship and Harmony endlessly forward. Your tireless research of the planet Centura and its inhabitants has caused quite the stir here at Starbase. Your mission has been invaluable for our Primary Directive."

Some polite clapping from the assembled crew. I'm not sure they yet realized what she was saying, only reacting to her tone. I stole a quick glance over to Raspberry, and our eyes met. He knew as well, yet his normally smug expression was gone.

My heart started beating faster. I desperately clutched onto an air of calm. "It is thanks to this research and cultural studies that I am happy to congratulate you all on accomplishing a first for all of the Equestrian Star Command Initiative." The smile softened, yet deepened from the polite greeting to the motherly face she held when really important directives were ordered. It couldn't be, could it? "The Centurions, " she continued, "are the first extra-Earth species encountered in the outer realm to satisfy all criteria."

A resounding cheer broke out among the crew. The message, despite being pre-recorded, waited before resuming. For me it didn't need to, as an Achievement Unlocked in the upper portion of my field of view. A tear gently began to roll down my cheek. I was too stunned to move. "Captain Nebula, you are hereby authorized to begin phase three of your mission and to initiate First Contact with the Centurions." The cheer shook the very decking and several crew members began literally dancing. Anypony who wasn't already awake before surely would be now.

Even over the din behind me, I could just make out the last words as Admiral Celestia looked directly at me. "Make me proud Captain. Go out and make some Friends." The message winked out, and once again Centura shone, iridescent in the empty void. I saw her as though with virgin eyes. A new world, soon to be welcomed with open hooves.

I think even Raspberry would agree this was the best way to lose three hours of holodeck time in the history of all of Starfleet.

2 Science Officer Hypothesis

Stardate 2143.05.30.2343 - Rainbow Hypothesis, Science Officer First Class

"Luna, begin read-back of section three." I get up from my desk chair. The holographic illusion of Luna begins to intone in her melodic voice. I feel hearing my reports being read aloud helps me catch mistakes and sometimes sparks new ideas.

"Probe 4463029 first received electromagnetic emissions of an artificial nature between 0.5 mhz and 1.75 mhz on Stardate 2133.10.29 while enroute from starsystem 32k8 to starsystem 32j5. Automatic protocols relayed the received data and diverted course to Starsystem 32m9, hereby referred to as the Dawn System."

I had reached the replicator nook by this point, "Luna, pause. Replace 'data' with 'transmissions.' Smoothie:mango:frozen. Continue." The replicator dutifully produces the requested beverage and I retrieve it with one webbed wing. I Take a long sip from the multihued curly straw before returning to my desk. A little shudder of pleasure as the fruity taste pervades my senses.

"Probe 4463029 arrived within Dawn System's Oort Barrier on Stardate 2036.03.06 and began initial analysis and in situ resource acquisition, building a dock for a following Starship anticipated already enroute."

Sigh. Sometimes roleplaying irks my exacting nature. The probe had not built a "dock." It had built an orbital computer mainframe to run the artificial intelligences that she and all creatures in Equestria were. A "starship" had not arrived, but ponies were beamed via laser transmission from the closest Starbase. She wasn't even the real Hypothesis for Celestia's sake! Just a local copy. Another deep mango drag.

The door opens with its characteristic pneumatic sound. Luna continues, "The USS Wallflower was the first to arrive on Stardate…"

"Luna, pause." Malleable's voice pauses the readback mid-sentence.

"I'm working," I mumble. My dark glower mirrors that of The Nightmare herself.

They do not care. "So am I," they say. Super serious professional Counselor Malleable Personality poked their head into my office. The thrice lunar damned changeling was smiling.

"No," I grumble, "you are just here to bug your wife."

"Porque no los dos? And that is racist, I could report you for that." They come around the desk and lean up against me. "You said you would try not to work so much in your free time."

"It's not," Instant panic, "Luna! What…"

She cuts me off with the request I was about to make, Luna mechanically chimes out, "It is currently twenty three hundred, forty five hours."

"Damn, I'm late."

"No, you are not. I already picked up Little Sissy from school." Relief washes over me. "She's staying the night at Patty's."

"What?" Confused, I continue. "When was this planned?"

"Right around when Big Sissy replicated her third mango smoothie." I hate that nickname and they know it.

"What? How…" I looked over at Luna's hologram, "you…"

"Councilor Malleable requested an alert after last month's incident. We felt it was an appropriate precaution."

Incident? It was hardly an 'incident.' Under my breath I mutter, "Nightmare Princess of Narc."

"Princess, can we have some alone time?" Malleable keeps their eyes on me.

"Of course, Councilor." Her small hologram winks out. It was all for show anyway. How much privacy can a literal omniscient god provide you anyway?

After a moment of silence, Malleable moves to wrap their hooves around me from behind. Their magic pulls my glasses off and sets them on the desk. I lean into the hug as they lay their head on mine. Had they made themselves taller to more effectively comfort me?

A moment of quiet where only our heartbeats beat a discordant staccato. Finally they break the silence, "I know this is stressful."

Sigh. "I don't need to be psychoanalyzed right now."

"Then you shouldn't have married a ship's counselor who is also an emotivore." They whisper in my ear, "I just don't want my favorite Sissy-Snack to sour." That nickname was even worse.

"Don't call me that when I'm mopey." They chuckle while I savor their touch. A moment of nice thoughts before the bad ones return. Sigh. "None of this is real, Mal."

A little nuzzling from Mal indicates I should continue. "We're copies of real ponies, Mal. Rainbow Hypothesis is back on Equestria right now, living her life in her little shard. I'm just a copy of her, beamed across the galaxy and playing pretend scientist."

Light delay rules over us all. Even gods like Celestia. Sending intelligences out on a laser beam to distant stars takes decades or centuries. Then there was too high a chance for data to be lost. And to lose any of her little ponies was a literal anathema for Celestia. I shudder as I think about when past Hypothesis was contacted by Celestia. When she was explained the consequences of the opportunity of a lifetime. It just wasn't her lifetime the opportunity was for. It was mine.

My death spiral stalls when they say, "Yeah, I feel bad for her too." I turn to Malleable, "She hasn't gotten to see an alien world with her own eyes. She hasn't gotten to start a wonderful family with a handsome changeling while doing some of the most important and rewarding work in all of Equestria." They take a deep breath. "She just stayed home, so you could go."

"It's tough working this close to the Outer Realms. It sometimes reminds us too much that we are 'artificial.' But you wanna know something important?" I nod, "You are a huge bucking dork."

I snort in a totally graceful way, "Seriously! You are! You love all of these horse apples we use to flavor what we are doing! We all do! It's fun! Sure, we could all be just as effective as code operating in some kernel, but this is a lot more satisfying. ‘The you’ back in Equestria did when she copied herself to see if she would get to meet aliens for real! ‘The you’ back on Earth did when she gave up everything she had so she could play starship for all eternity!" They touch their nose to mine. "NERD!"

The nose touch transitions smoothly into a kiss. And then another. I smile, "Do you kiss all your patients?"

"You know I can't discuss those private matters!" They stand up, "That's doctor-patient confidentiality!"

I squeal as their magic lifts me up. "Maaaal!"

We begin making our way over to the bedroom. "If you are going to insist on working," I bobble through the doorway, "I'm going to insist on having you do something productive instead of reviewing a report for the dozenth time." Malleable gently sits me down on the bed, "We have a night to ourselves, foal-free, and I refuse to spend it having ‘feelings’ and replicating mango ice cream."

I laugh. Now I was being reminded why I married this stubborn love bug. They climb into bed with me and began to be "professionally affectionate."

After a few moments I say, "Mal?" My voice stops them for a second, "you know what we were discussing last month?" A steadying breath, "About… family?"

They shift to a more comfortable position, "Yeah?"

"I was thinking…" They snort. I don't dignify a response to it, "Synopsis deserves to have a brother or sister near her age. And I," another breath, "I want to… carry them… this time."

They raise an eyebrow, "Oh, Really? You don't have to, you know. I wouldn't mind."

I nod, "I want to. I'm certain. I… want to… oh!" The embarrassment is too much, but Mal just kisses away the nerves.

"Okay then," a flash of green fire and they are replaced with a black and indigo stallion, with the build of an earth pony farmer. He must have stood at least twice as tall as me. "How about this?" Such a deep voice. My heartbeat increases and my face flushes. A glimmer over his green eyes as he leans in close to me. A gentle whisper in my ear.

"Eeyup."

I beat him to death with a pillow. That bastard. I revivify him afterwards however, to make sure he makes it up to me properly.