Deathlight

Anton couldn't focus on the TV. He never could under these circumstances. The movie had dampened the worst of the sounds, and his basement had gone thankfully silent after the first few minutes, but he kept the volume up and put in an action movie DVD just to be sure. Only when the two hour film was over, and there hadn't been any noise from the basement for a while, did Toni dare to go back to the hallway. He made his slow, shuffling way to the basement and, with a hand which was trembling badly, unlocked it.

For a long while he just stood in front of the closed door and tried to get his rattling heart to slow down. His palms were sweaty and it was hard to breathe. More than once he placed his hand on the door handle, but each time he let it go and took an involuntary step away. Ultimately, there was no choice. He had to go down there and face it.

His stomach was clenched into a tiny, frozen ball when he finally found the guts to open the door. The light was still on and Toni cast a nervous, fearful look down the stairs. He couldn't see anything out of the ordinary, so he took a step forward. His legs felt like they were made of lead, and all sensation was gone from his toes. He nearly toppled and his hand shot out to steady himself against the wall.

"T-Twilight?" he tried to call out, but his throat was dry and all he could make was a raspy whisper.

A few more steps brought it into the view, and Toni froze. Bile threatened to rise and he had to look at the wall and take deep breaths to keep from vomiting. The pathetic blue fur was torn and bloodied, and the entrails were strewn across the tiled floor.

There was a large puddle of blood, some of it soaking into the carpet.

Perhaps the worst part was that he recognized some of Minuette's navy blue mane in the middle of it.

A faint, sobbing cry made him open his eyes and take an involuntary step forward. Someone else was suffering just as he, which made Toni finish his descent. He kept his eyes firmly averted from the mess and he hugged the wall once he reached the floor.

She was in the corner, as far away from the blood as it was possible to be. A heavy, iron chain jingled softly as Twilight Sparkle's shoulders shook.

She was back.

There was no doubt and Toni hurried to her without hesitation. The thing she turned into would never be able to cry. He knelt beside the weeping pony and put a hand on her withers. Twilight's heartwrenching sobs stopped for a moment and she lifted her head to look at him. Her face was a mass of blood and viscera, smeared liberally with snot and tears, but Toni ignored those. He focused instead on her beautiful, deep violet eyes.

Neither of them spoke, not right away. Toni reached into his pocket and fished out the key for the heavy collar around Twilight's neck. It jangled as it fell to the floor. He scooped up the unresisting mare and stood up on unsteady legs. She gave a small squeak as her eyes caught what was left of the body, but then she pressed her face into his shirt and began to cry once more. Toni didn't mind, even if she was smearing unspeakable grime into his clothes.

As quickly as he could, he carried the mare back to the stairs and up. He was breathing a little easier as they emerged into the hallway, and some of the horror had started to recede from his mind, just like it always did. He pushed the bathroom door open with his shoulder and looked at the tiny window to make sure a curtain blocked the view from outside. Only then did he enter with the still-shuddering pony in his arms.

Twilight didn't resist, nor comment, as he climbed into the bath tub with her. He put her down, and she just curled up into a ball while Toni hurriedly removed his clothes. He grabbed the shower head and turned it away from them as he twisted the tap for hot water. It would take a minute for it to heat up and he inspected Twilight while he waited. Other than her face, her chest and forelegs were completely smeared with sticky, half-dried blood. Her mane was splattered with it too, and her sides were dripping with some clear, yellowish liquid.

He didn't dare guess where it might have come from.

His finger brushed a speck from her cheek. He washed his hand off with the nozzle and found the water already warm.

It was good enough to begin.

"C'mere, let's get you washed off. Come on."

With his gentle coaxing, he got Twilight to uncurl enough so he could lift her into a sitting position. She kept wanting to fold down, until Toni turned her around and leaned her back against his belly. He brought the shower head up and let the water soak her lustrous, rich velvet fur. When she felt the grime and viscera being washed off, Twilight began to rub her own hooves in her barrel and against each other, urgently trying to get the blood off.

"Easy, easy. I'll help," he cooed to her.

She didn't stop, so Toni quickly reached for a shampoo bottle and filled his palm. He laid the shower nozzle down on Twilight's thigh so he could use both hands to lather up her belly and sides. He jerky motions eased once the ugly red of gristle was at least partially covered by the white foam. Twilight let her hooves fall, but she was still breathing heavily. Toni took the opportunity to spread the lather along her forelimbs, then quickly moved up to scrub her neck.

"F-Face," she whimpered.

Toni obeyed, but first he squeezed a fresh glob of shampoo in his hand. Twilight closed her eyes as he carefully began to brush his fingers through the fluff on her face. He guided her chin up, and she obeyed quietly to give him better access to her muzzle and throat. Those were the most caked-in areas, and Anton had to rinse her off to make any progress at all. He quickly poured more shampoo and lathered her face up again.

It went better this time, and bits of crusted blood separated from her fur. Every now and then he would liberate a bit of torn flesh, or a patch of blue fur. The mere thought of the ferocity of what must have happened made Toni shudder, but he persisted and kept scrubbing until his fingers could no longer find anything but Twilight's own, soft fur.

"Here, turn around. Let me see."

Twilight braced her hooves on his knees and twisted her body, but she kept her eyes closed. Toni reduced the flow of water and carefully rinsed off her cheeks.

"Wait, there's a little bit left," he told her.

Another glob of shampoo was smeared into Twilight's nose and she opened her mouth to keep from inhaling foam. That meant some of the soapy water was flowing on her tongue, but she didn't complain. Her breath nearly made him gag, but Toni had his hands full, so he simply breathed through his mouth and focused on his work.

There were bits of dried blood even on Twilight's forehead, and he pried them clean carefully, not wanting to hurt Twilight's eyes. It took a few minutes, then he rinsed her head off again.

"I think that's it. We'll have to clean your teeth, too."

That brought up unwelcome memories and Twilight gave a sob. He was immediately sorry and put both palms against her muzzle to comfort her.

"It's okay. Don't think about it. It's going to be okay."

"It isn't," Twilight quietly countered. She took a deep, shuddering breath, then opened her eyes. Toni shifted the water spray away just in time. "It's never going to be okay," she said miserably. "Toni, that was Minuette! I- she was my friend. I knew her!"

"Oh, fuck, I didn't realize. I'm sorry."

The pitiful, miserable stare turned hard and Twilight bared her teeth. "Minuette, Toni! She was one of the sweetest, kindest ponies I knew in Canterlot! Dead!" Her hooves flew to her mouth and Twilight's ears folded down tightly. "I ate her, Toni. I *fucking* ate her alive!"

This was always a hard thing to get through, and Toni simply sat and listened quietly. He didn't know what to say, or how to help. What Twilight was feeling was so much worse than his own guilt at luring them down into his basement.

"What day is it? We said not until winter, Toni! It's too warm. How long?!"

He looked away and refused to answer. His hands fell into his lap and Toni twisted his fingers together to keep them still.

"Toni," Twilight repeated slowly, quietly. "How long?"

His throat felt constricted and he swallowed a lump. "A- a month. A little more. It's- it's mid August."

Her hoof slammed against the tub and an angry growl wrenched itself from Twilight's throat. She looked furious. "WHY?!" she demanded. "We said not until winter! We said! You promised!"

"I'm sorry." His words were more than halfway to weeping, and Toni's fingers were turning white from clenching them so hard. "She was just- here. She- she came on to me. She wanted to sleep over. I don't know. Fuck, Twilight, I missed you. You know I love you!"

The fire seemed to go out of the mare and her head slumped. "If you really loved me," she said quietly, her words accentuated by dripping water, "you'd have let me die. You wouldn't make me kill and eat my friends."

At those words Toni rushed forward and wrapped his arms around Twilight. "I c-can't lose you. Not again!"

"We can't keep doing this," she went on, as if she hadn't heard him. "It's evil, Toni. We just can't. Please, please, let me go."

His hug tightened until he was pressing her muzzle into his chest, as if he was trying to silence her. "I won't lose you again. I'm sorry Twilight, but it's the only way."

She let out a sigh, but didn't respond. Instead, Twilight pushed free from Toni and turned away. "Minuette, oh merciful Celestia! Minuette..." Her voice cracked and she began to weep again. Toni quietly stood up. He knew Twilight would be like that for a while. It was similar each time, although she hadn't personally known any of the others, so perhaps this time it would be worse.

He plugged the drain in the tub and let the water run. It would make it easier to clean the rest of her when he was back, not to mention himself. There was still an ugly, messy, gruesome task for him to do. Ignoring the puddles his dripping shorts were leaving on the wooden floor, and on the living room carpet, Toni went to the kitchen. He opened the cupboard under the sink and took out a pack of strong, heavy black bags and a fresh, unopened pack of thick yellow gloves. There was a mop and a bucket in a broom closet, and a faucet and sink right in the basement.

He hated this part, but it came with the territory. Later that night, he would bury what was left deep in the Everfree forest. He owed Minuette at least that much.

Then he would talk to Twilight.

She had to understand he loved her. He did it all for that simple, powerful reason. Even this - the unholy, murderous life she led now - even that was better than death. It had felt as if a piece of him had died that day they had buried her. Now that he'd gotten it back, he wasn't going to ever give it away again. No matter how many others it took.

Twilight would just have to understand that.

She didn't have a choice.

The night was nearly over by the time Anton returned from his grim excursion into the Everfree Forest. He walked numbly into the house, completely ignoring the muddy footprints he left on the hallway tiles. He barely had the presence of mind to kick off his shoes before treading dirt into the living room rug, too. Twilight was there, sitting on the couch and looking out through the window. The sight made Toni's breath catch in his throat. He'd forgotten to draw the curtains shut!

"Did anyone see you?" he demanded.

An ear flicked in his direction, but Twilight didn't turn to look at him. "No one came by," she eventually answered, her voice flat and lifeless.

Anton sat down next to her and put his face into his hands. He didn't notice that he had just smeared mud on his cheeks, nor would he have cared if he knew.

"Fuck," he swore quietly.

At his tone, Twilight turned partly and fixed him with a steady look. As if he could feel her gaze, Toni let his hands fall and turned his stricken, tear-filled eyes on her.

"It was fucking awful!"

In his mind's eye, he was back in the basement, where he could feel the cold, slimy gore even through his thick rubber gloves. He'd tried to mop up the pieces into a garbage bag, but there was no way to avoid touching some of it. At one point he found what was left of Minuette's head and he couldn't take it anymore. He'd vomited at that point, barely managing to turn it away from the pool of entrails and blood. Her face had been partially eaten, the flesh on one cheek shredded until the white of bone showed underneath. One eye had been missing and the other had stared at him in that frozen rictus of terror and disbelief.

After his stomach had nothing more to give, Toni had come cautiously back and managed to push the head into a bag with the handle of his mop. The rest of his work had been easier, but the image had persisted in his mind. That accusing stare had remained fixed in his memory even as he carried the heavy black bags into Everfree. He couldn't stop himself from replaying every conversation with Minuette as he dug her shallow grave.

Could she have done something different? Toni hadn't wanted to sacrifice Minuette. He'd quite liked the mare, but she had been so forward, so eager to spend time with him. She couldn't have known the dark, dangerous secret Toni harbored in his basement. To her, he had simply been a novel, interesting person. Someone she'd read about in the papers. Twilight's lover at the time she had died.

No, Toni decided, Minuette shouldn't have been so trusting with a stranger. Even so, she hadn't deserved this gruesome fate.

Twilight hadn't deserved death, either. He himself hadn't deserved to lose someone like Twilight Sparkle.

Toni swallowed and looked up, eyes sliding from Twilight's hooves on the couch, past her clean and dried chest fluff, up to her eyes. They gleamed in the faint light from the street. He couldn't help it. He lunged forward and threw his arms around the mare. His face sought out hers, as he tried for a desperate kiss, then changed his mind and simply pressed his forehead against her shoulder.

The shuddering came, and with it her strong forelegs wrapping around his waist.

She still hadn't spoken.

"I'm sorry. Minuette! God, I'm so sorry," Anton said.

Twilight finally responded: "We have to stop doing this, Toni. You have to! I don't want this!"

"I won't lose you again!" Toni choked out, squeezing the mare more tightly against himself. "Better them than you! I won't leave you like that- like you were!"

She had started shaking her head. As he went on, Twilight pushed him away and glared angrily. "It's wrong! I don't want to live like this, Toni! I don't want to be this monster. You have to let her go!"

"Her?"

The mare pulled away from him and turned to face the book case at the far end of the living room. "Her. Twilight. She's-" another sigh wrenched itself from her lips and Twilight's ears folded down.

"I don't understand."

"This- this corpse isn't her, Toni. I'm not her. Not all of her. Something important is missing. It's gone. I think-" she hiccuped and wiped her nose with a fetlock before continuing: "I think her soul left when I- when I died."

"We brought you back."

There was silence for a while. When Twilight turned back, there were streaks of tears flowing down her cheeks, and her eyes shimmered like pools of violet moonlight. "You brought something back, but not her. Not the part that matters."

"You're you! I know you are! Twilight, I love you!"

Toni leaned forward to hug her again, but the mare smoothly slid away. "Shut up and listen to me! Toni, she's in pain!"

"Who is?"

The lavender mare rolled her eyes at his slow uptake, and forced her tone to be calm and patient. "Twilight is in pain, Toni. She's trapped, just on the verge of- of- there!"

"What are you talking about?"

She ignored his question and focused her eyes on the window again, staring up at the night sky. The stars were not visible because of the street lights, but she stared at the empty patch of darkness and remembered what they had looked like.

"I don't know if I can explain. All I get are impressions. Feelings. It's like trying to remember a dream you had a week ago. Even after all these times, I still don't know what it is!" He didn't interrupt and waited for her to continue. After a while Twilight tore her gaze away from the window and laid a careful hoof on Toni's knee. "When it happened, when I died, I think I went there. It's like a journey - like flying. It's this pull and you can't resist it."

"Where? Where did you go?" Some of the pain was gone from Toni's face and his eyes had lit up with interest. He clasped her fetlock with his hand and Twilight slid a little bit closer. She lowered her voice to a near whisper.

"It felt wonderful. It was supposed to happen. It's - not a place exactly. Maybe it's a state of being? I don't know what to call it. Unity? Oneness? It would accept me, and I would become a part of it."

Toni shrugged a little and asked: "You mean like heaven?"

The mare shook her head forcefully. "No, nothing like that. There's no time. Nothing changes. It's- it's peace. I don't know what else to say. I was supposed to join with it, but you- this-" She lifted up her other foreleg and tapped her own chest with her hoof. "The black magic brought me back. Some of me. I'm still connected to that part, and it is connected to me. Imagine a line, stretched taut, pulling at both of us."

Twilight shuddered and closed her eyes. More tears dripped from her eyes. "For her it's keeping her just away- just outside of that... 'Oneness'. She yearns to become a part of it, to complete her journey, but she's being held back."

"A-And for y-you?"

"It's pulling me away. Like a weight tied to my soul, if you want to call it like that. I can't hold it, and it will win. Except it can't - not completely. There's always something left, but the more time that passes the less it is me. Something else fills the emptiness. The hunger. It's why I always turn, eventually."

"I don't care. I'll do whatever it takes to get you back. We'll go and find a better spell. We can make you whole, Twilight."

She shook her head and leaned her face even closer to Toni's. "You can't, not ever. She won't come back. Nothing can bring Twilight back, Toni. All you're doing is torturing her. She can feel what I do. She knows what we've become." Her hoof was sharp as it forcefully pressed on Toni's leg. "You have to end it. You have to let us go!"

Toni raised his hand and cupped her cheek. His thumb brushed away a stray tear. His own eyes were moist, and twin lines of fluid had left furrows in the dirt on his face. "I can't, Twilight. I'm sorry. I can't lose you again."

"You lost me a long time ago. You need to accept it and move on. Please!"

"No!"

Twilight drew back in horror. "Please, I can't do it myself. If you won't kill me, then..." she fell silent and her head lowered. Her ears splayed. "Release me and I'll go to the Princess myself. Celestia will-"

"No!" This time the word was filled with fear. It was not the first time Twilight had asked for her old mentor, but this time it had sounded like a serious plea. He couldn't let her do that. It would bring immeasurable pain and horror to her friends, her parents, even her cherished mentor, Celestia. The sheer terror she would inflict on her entire nation had held Twilight back and she'd kept herself a secret. What kind of misery would prompt her to change her mind!?

"I d-don't know."

Twilight's head jerked up, her eyes full of hope. "Please, Toni," she begged anew, her words rushed, full of uncertain hope. "We have a few more weeks, but when it's over - this time when it's over - you have to end it. You have to kill this thing I'll become, once and for all. Please, I can't go on like this."

He put both hands on her muzzle in a vain effort to hold it shut, to keep away the terrible words she was saying. "Please don't make me do this!"

"You have to! I don't want to live like this, Toni. It hurts! It hurts more than my death ever did! I'm suffering. You have to know that!" She didn't resist his embrace and laid her head on Toni's shoulder as they both wept. "Promise you'll end it this time. Promise you'll do it!"

"It's going to be fine! This always happens the first night, Twilight. You tell me to end it each time you come back, but then it's fine."

She shook her head again and her ears splayed. "It's not fine. I just lose all emotion as my equinity drains away. I get numb and I stop caring. This is the only time- the closest I am to being me, Toni. Please, listen."

"It'll pass. Let's sleep on it. We'll talk in the morning."

"No! You have to promise me, Toni!"

He stood up and backed away from the couch, from Twilight's angry snarl. She jumped to her hooves and fluffed out her wings.

"You weakling!" she raged. "Let me go! I don't deserve this! I want to die, you- you fuckwit!" She tried to lunge for him, but was caught short by the metal collar around her neck. The chain rattled loudly as it yanked her back.

Toni hurried to the window and twitched the curtains closed. Then he went to the door.

"Don't leave me here! Kill me! End this misery, Toni! You owe me!"

He wasn't listening anymore. The house was sound-proofed, a necessary little spell given his lifestyle and his secret. The chain was strong, not even an earth pony could break it. Twilight had no magic, not since her death. Perhaps it was the part of her she'd said was missing. The same thing kept her from flying, too. It made it easier to control her. Toni shivered as he shut the living room door and hurried to the stairs. She was always like that when she came back. Depressed, miserable and angry.

He couldn't blame her, not really. Not after what she'd been through.

Toni didn't know exactly at which point Twilight regained her mind during her feedings. He hoped it was after the butchery was over, but even so it was a horrible way to wake up. No wonder she wasn't herself. It always passed within the first day or two, and then she was back to normal. He would have her company for a few blissful, beautiful weeks, before it was time to chain her back down in the basement. She was angrier than usual this time, but that was because he'd brought her back too early, and because she'd known Minuette. They'd agreed to wait until after Heartwarming, and that it would always be strangers, ponies she didn't know.

Twilight would just have to accept it.