Derpy Breaks a Bad

by Aroma Brew

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Breaking Bad, Crossover, Narcotics
Length: 1038

Derpy gets involved making friendship crystals with two very strange ponies.

Derpy gets off of work at the post office and while flying, sees a cart outside of town with a mysterious pony inside.

I've never seen Breaking Bad.

Published 2023-11-10 18:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-11-10 18:40:01 UTC

We Need to Cook

Derpy walked out of the post office after a hard day of work. She had nothing else to do for the day, so Derpy decided to go for a short fly around town. She walked to a mostly unpopulated spot and fluttered up towards the fluffy white clouds.

Derpy got distracted by a bird and found herself at the doorstep of a beaten-up cart on the outskirts of town that had a strange scent coming from it, “Hm, smells chemical-y!”

Derpy looked curiously at the door, wondering who was inside; her hoof pounded on the door. Many noises came from inside and finally a beige stallion in a gray hat and green shirt answered the door, “I’m the one who knocks!”

Derpy looked puzzled and replied, “But I thought that the pony outside is supposed to knock… am I wrong?”

The stallion looked frazzled, his beard was messy and his glasses were falling down, “Why are you here?!”

Derpy shrugged; the pony on the inside of the cart sighed realizing Derpy was more clueless than most ponies. He moved away from the door as if to invite her in, “You know how to cook?”

Derpy nodded, she didn’t really know how to cook, but she liked to be included. “Come on in, you can call me Heisenbuck,” Heisenbuck said with a sigh. Derpy walked into the cramped cart filled with beakers and machines.

“What do you cook exactly, Mr. Heisenbuck?” Derpy questioned, staring curiously at a bag of blue crystals.

“Friendship crystals; pure and clear friendship crystals.”

Derpy was even more puzzled and gained more questions than answers, “What’s a friendship crystal?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay!” Derpy kept looking at the chemicals and machinery as Heisenbuck began the next batch of his crystals. Heisenbuck grabbed boxes of various over-the- counter medications and measured them carefully. He glanced over to Derpy.

“What’s your name kid?”

“Derpy Hooves, sir!”

“Well Derpy, how about you help me with these crystals?”

“Okay! Could I try some when we’re done?”

“No! We cook it, other ponies buy it, that’s all!”

Just as Heisenbuck was going to turn a burner on, a clambering came from outside. Heisenbuck sighed and trotted to the door, opening it, “We were supposed to start at three!”

A tall, light brown unicorn wearing a beanie galloped towards the cart. His clothes were disheveled. He stopped in front of Heisenbuck, “Chill Mr. White, I’m out there making mad bits yo!”

Heisenbuck sighed, “Better late than never Pinkmane. By the way, we have a new business partner,” he allowed the pony now known to Derpy as Pinkmane into the cart. Heisenbuck waved a hoof towards Derpy, “Derpy meet,” He waved one to Pinkmane “My business partner Pinkmane.”

“Yo, haven’t I seen you around town or somethin’?” asked Pinkmane.

“I deliver the mail!” said Derpy with a proud look on her face.

After a couple of days of “helping” Heisenbuck and Pinkmane make friendship crystals, Heisenbuck told her “I want you to help us with a sale.” Derpy happily accepted and jumped up in joy, which shook the cart a little.

All three dawned black hats, dark sunglasses, and long black coats before they left. “This reminds me of that Red Pill guy from that one movie!” said Derpy while putting the hat over her head.

“I tried telling Mr. White, yo! He wouldn’t listen!” said Pinkmane while placing the crystals in his saddlebag.

“Both of you, hurry up!” shouted Heisenbuck outside, “We don’t have time for this! We can’t keep a valued customer waiting!”

The three ponies trotted up behind the Golden Oaks Library in their getups.

“Why are we at the library?” Asked Derpy.

“Because no one expects the library,” re plied Heisenbuck looking off into the distance.

“I’ve told you this a million times, yo! No,pony goes here, it’s so suspicious!”

The customer trotted up inconspicuously, a blue mare with pink hair wearing a nervous look; Mrs. Cake.

“Yo who are you?”

“I’m just picking up Pinkie Pie’s stuff for her… she’s a little busy today…” Mrs. Cake said, looking at the ground.

Heisenbuck glared at her through his dark glasses, “Do you have the money?”

Mrs. Cake quickly rooted through her saddlebag and pulled out a large bag of bits. Pinkmane lifted the bag with his magic and began to count the money. After a few minutes, he nodded to Heisenbuck. Heisenbuck took the money and Pinkmane handed the friendship crystals to Mrs. Cake.

“Thank you gentlecolts.”

“Pleasure doing business ma’am,” said Heisenbuck.

Months had passed and Derpy had mastered the art of cooking friendship crystals with Heisenbuck and Pinkmane. She was sitting outside the trio’s cart while Heisenbuck and Pinkmane prepared a shipment for delivery inside. She was watching a ladybug fly around when she heard a loud noise from nearby.

Derpy’s ears perked up, she looked to her left towards town. There was the sound of many hooves galloping against the pavement, “Mr. Heisenbuck! There’s somepony coming!” shouted Derpy.

Pinkmane looked to Heisenbuck with a worried look on his face, “Yo, is this really it, Mr. White?” Heisenbuck looked outside with a blank face, “The Royal Guard, buck we’re caught!”

The Royal Guard approached and arrested Heisenbuck and Pinkmane for cooking and distributing an illicit substance. Derpy was let off with fines due to her previous Traumatic Brain Injury diagnosis being determined to affect her judgment.

Sky Blue, the wife of the pony formerly known as Heisenbuck and now known as Crystal White, visited him in prison with their son, “How could you do this to us Crystal? To Crystal Jr?”

“Sky, I did it to pay for treatment. Treatment for my cancer,” Crystal replied with his usual grave look.

Pinkmane’s lawyer, All Good, got him out early on good behavior after a few years. Now he lives in Vanhoover, with the memory of all that he and Crystal White had done.

Derpy went back to her job at the post office, going back to her quiet, simple life.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading folks! I hope you enjoyed and laughed a little!
Send me any feedback in the comments, it's much appreciated!
Stay tuned for more!

-Aroma