This Is Totally Not A Scam, Twilight
Twilight Sparkle (the horse one) quickly made her way through the busy streets of the city (the human one), clutching in her hand a piece of parchment with a very worrying note from Celestia (the princess one).
When she turned around the corner, her eyes narrowed at the sight of her large, gray, and dreary destination: CERFEX BANK.
Her brisk walk became a jog, which then became a run when she remembered what exactly was at stake.
Please, don’t let me be late.
Pushing open the bank doors, she scanned the crowd going about their business until she saw some of them gawking at an elegantly dressed, tiara-wearing woman having a heated discussion with a poor distressed teller.
“Miss,” the teller said as Twilight approached, her voice pained, “I really don’t think this is a good idea…”
“And I’m telling you it is!” insisted Princess Celestia, brushing her off with a hand gesture. “Honestly, do I really look like some sort of gullible fool to you?”
Twilight was infinitely grateful the teller didn’t answer that.
“Hi!” Twilight exclaimed, slamming her hands on the counter and looking for the teller’s nametag. “Kat. Hi!”
“Twilight!” exclaimed Celestia, surprised but not unpleasantly so. “What are you doing here?”
Twilight ignored her, focusing on the teller. “Has she done something yet?”
Kat grimaced. “Oh. Uhm. No?”
Twilight exhaled the breath she’d been holding. “Oh, thank God.”
“Thank God? But I’m right here!” Celestia exclaimed, which she immediately followed with a delighted chuckle. No one else laughed, but that clearly didn’t bother her. “Twilight,” she continued, going back to the matter at hand. “Please. Help me convince this woman to make my deposit!”
Kat looked at Twilight, millennial to horse-millennial.“Your mom is getting scammed, sorry.”
Twilight grabbed Celestia’s arm. “I know. I’ll talk with my mom. I mean, the Princess. Momter. Mentor!” She smiled at Kat and then dragged her protesting mother-mentor-princess figure away from the teller. “Thanksokaylet’sgobye!”
Once they were sufficiently far away from anyone who could hear, Twilight frowned at her undefined-parental figure. “Princess! What are you doing?”
“I’m helping the poor human who e-mailed me! Did you not read the e-mail I attached to the parchment?”
For clarification, a few months ago, with the use of magical spells that will not be elaborated upon due to their sheer complexity, Twilight Sparkle managed to bring the human invention “The Internet” to Equestria. Celestia thought this was a wonderful idea.
Evidently, it was in fact a terrible idea.
Celestia extracted a printed copy of said e-mail and handed it to Twilight to review. Twilight skimmed it over again, frowning at the desperate pleas of a poor man stuck in jail for a crime he did not commit, asking for the measly sum of over ten million human bits so as to, allegedly: hire a private investigator to find the real culprit, get out of jail, reunite with his family (a wife and two daughters, who all missed their father very much), and then start fresh in a new place. Allegedly.
On top of that, Twilight had previously glazed over the name of the jailed individual, but now that she actually properly read it…
“Lou Zar?! Are you kidding me?!” Taking in a deep breath, she looked at the princess with all the severity of the world and said, “Princess, this is fake. They’re just trying to scam you out of your mone—Wait. How did you get money for this?”
The princess smiled politely. “I have my ways.”
“What ways?”
“Ways I can’t discuss lest I’ll be the one sending e-mails from prison!” she exclaimed, laughing gleefully at her own not-joke.
“Princess!”
Celestia huffed and rolled her eyes, dismissing Twilight with a handwave. “Oh, please, Twilight. It’s for a good cause!”
“But, Princess,” Twilight said, despairing at the fact that the ruler of Equestria and momter could somehow be this naive. “His name is loser! Loser!”
Despite this, Celestia seemed to have enough.
“Twilight,” she said, firmly. “I’ve made my decision, and even if I am being tricked, I would gladly take that risk if it means helping a poor man and his family. As the future ruler of Equestria, I hope you will one day understand this.”
“But, Prince—Wait. The future what? The what?”
Unfortunately, Celestia was already marching back to the tellers, heading straight to an elderly-looking woman who probably wouldn’t question her as much as the young ones.
“Well,” Twilight muttered, “at least it’s not her money, I guess.”
Two years later found Twilight Sparkle taking a stroll through Canterlot Castle during one of her bi-monthly visits to her mom, as well as Twilight Velvet and Night Light.
She heard distant cheerful voices coming from Celestia’s private library, and Twilight curiously made her way toward them. She didn’t remember the Princess having guests over that day.
Stepping into the library, she was surprised to find Princess Celestia having a very animated conversation with an earth pony couple. Additionally, a little ways away, two fillies were excitedly running around and chasing each other her.
“Oh, Twilight!” exclaimed Celestia upon seeing her peering in. She gestured her over. “Come, come! I’d like you to meet my guests.”
Putting on her friendliest face, Twilight walked over. “Hello! It’s nice to meet you.”
“Twilight,” said Celestia, “this is Mr. Zar and his wife. You remember them, don’t you?”
Twilight frowned. “Uhm… I’m not sure I do?”
“From the e-mail, Twilight! You remember?”
Twilight blinked at her once. Twice. Thrice. And then she remembered.
She turned to look at him, absolutely flabbergasted. “Wait, you’re Lou Zar?! You’re real?! You’re not a scammer?!”
Celestia gasped. “Twilight!”
Mr. Zar laughed. “It’s all right, Princess.” He turned to Twilight with kindness. “I am real, yes. As are my lovely wife and daughters. I thought my life was over, and no one would take a chance on me, but then your wonderful princess did, and not only did they catch the guy who framed me, but my family and I have everything we need to make up on lost time.” His eyes teared up, and he looked at the princess, grateful. “I prayed to God for a miracle, and he brought me one from a literal other world.”
The princess smiled, touched. “It was my pleasure. And I’m so glad you got back in touch. You and your family are always welcome in Equestria.”
A moment passed, and Mrs. Zar spoke, looking at Twilight. “Are you alright over there, hun?”
Twilight Sparkle was still staring at the couple, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.
“Twilight?” asked Celestia.
"Girls," said the mother immediately following Twilight's colorful reply, "we only use those words when we are a grown-up, okay?"
Author's Note
A little crackfic (shitpost???) I wrote a long time ago and posted on my website because I told myself I wouldn't post my shitposts here on my fimfic account but that was April 2023 mono and what did SHE know anyway!!!
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