Twilight, Thank You for the Dialectics, but I Need You to Leave
Twilight stopped for a second to figure out what the commotion was about. A moment ago, everything was relatively quiet as it used to be in Ponyville, and in a matter of seconds, the quiet suddenly turned into a loud tumult.
She looked back and spotted the cause: a pink storm of dust was rushing throughout the town, going from pony to pony. Twilight sighed and turned back to trotting; She had important things to do, and didn’t have the time to deal with Pinkie stuff.
And then the storm of dust practically teleported in front of her, making her jump back with a little yelp. “Hey Twi, have you heard of the biomagnetic bracelet!?” The storm revealed a pink pony with an eager smile.
"Um, no?" Twilight answered simply, still shell shocked by Pinkie’s sudden entrance.
"Then you have been missing out on this science miracle!" Pinkie pie said as she wrapped a hoof around Twilight's shoulder. "Tell me, do you feel muscular pain often?"
"I... no?"
"Well, then maybe you have been having problems in your naughty life?" Pinkie asked with a smile as Twilight's jaw dropped.
"My what!?" Twilight pushed pinkie away with a blush on her face. "No! Definitely not!"
“Oh, I know you haven’t taken a bath for a week now, Twi!” Pinkie winked.
“I did just yesterday!” Twilight muttered something about Pinkie not knowing her showering schedule as she shook off the redness off her face. “Really, what is it with you today!?”
“I’m just trying to help, Twi!” Pinkie replied honestly. “Now tell me what's wrong with you." She demanded.
Twilight regarded Pinkie for a moment. This was surely strange, and Pinkie has been being blunt about it, but this wasn’t something Pinkie wouldn’t do on an uneventful day. Right now, she only had to be dismissive and polite and it would all be fine. "Nothing, Pinkie. I'm fine, alright? See you later." She said as she walked past Pinkie. Please don't insist. Please don't insist….
"Aww, c'mon!" Twilight groaned as Pinkie put herself in the way. "There has to be something bothering you." Twilight shook her head with a scowl. "Fever? Headaches? Articular pain? A broken heart? Something?" Pinkie drilled at her.
Twilight sighed. She wouldn't just leave until she had an answer, would she? "Well.... uhh... sometimes I get headaches, I guess.” She curled her lips. “Especially when I'm with you," Twilight added, perhaps a bit too bitterly. She had places to be!
Pinkie happily ignored the latter sentence. "Well, fret not Twi, as this little trinket will rid you of your aches and we'll get to be friends forever!" She said as she raised her left forehoof, shining off a gold and silver bracelet that resembled more an industrial conveyor than a wearable accessory. "Say hello to the biomagnetic bracelet!"
"Wait, is this the 'miracle of science' you were talking about?" Pinkie nodded vigorously. Twilight regarded the tiny, unimposing accessory for a whole second before coming to a conclusion. "Pinkie… I don't think that this is capable of ‘curing’ my headaches. Especially those that are Pinkie-induced.” Like the one she was developing right now.
“That’s where you are wrong, Twi!” Pinkie said as she materialized an academic cap out of her hair before putting it on. “Thanks to the revolutionary technology of biomagnetism, this miraculous bracelet can relieve you of any conditions you may have, like body aches, headaches, fatigue, fever. Name it, and the biomagnetic bracelet can ameliorate it!”
“Well I’m not sure how this ‘bracelet’ works, but there is no way it can do all that.” Twilight retorted.
“Oh, Twi, skeptical as always, I see!” Pinkie said as she retreated a few steps. “You may be skeptical, but a lot of ponies around Equestria have used it and found it useful, ample useful to recommend it!” She said, producing a stage along with a projector. How did she fit an entire stage on her hair, Twilight had no idea and knew better than to try to figure it out.
“In fact, there’s tons of famous ponies that’ll agree to its utility! And we all know famous people can’t be wrong!” She said as she pressed a button on a remote control she also produced. “For example, she!”
The projector came to life, showing an image of Pinkie with the biggest smile showing off the bracelet. Twilight looked back at Pinkie, who was grinning expectantly, and back at the projector, which had the same expectant grin. “Pinkie, that’s you.”
“I know!” She said, “I recommend it!”
Silence followed as Twilight stared at the image of Pinkie, foolishly expecting it to change eventually.
It didn’t. “It’s just you recommending it, isn’t it?”
“Oh, no, no.” She said as she pressed another button on the remote, producing a click. “She also does!”
Twilight grunted, rubbing her face with a hoof. She should have expected this. “Pinkie, that's you with a mustache.”
“Oh, how silly of me!” Another click and the image changed again. “What about her?”
“That's you with a mustache and a hat.”
Click. “Her?”
“That's you with your pet nibbling at your hair.”
Click.
“That’s two of you in a trenchcoat.”
Click.
“You with mime make-up.”
Click.
“You wi- Wait, Shakira!?”
Click.
“Wait, wait, go back!” Twilight shouted, shocked to see actually anyone else that wasn’t Pinkie.
“Finally someone that caught your eye?” Pinkie said with a smile as she clicked the remote once again.
Twilight’s gape died off as she took a better look. “Ah, no. You just dyed your hair. Seriously, is there anypony that uses this apart from you?”
Pinkie considered the question as she went through all of the images mentally. “Well, there are the townsfolk I convinced a while earlier.”
“Anypony before you promoted it?” Twilight corrected
Pinkie cut eye contact as she flushed. “...No.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow nonchalantly. “Do you even know how is it supposed to work?”
“Oh, yeah!” Pinkie quickly regained her confidence. “It’s because it manipulates your biocamp with the power of magnets!”
“And what exactly is a biocamp?”
Pinkie frowned. “Well… uh… your energy? or something?” She screwed her face in concentration. “Oh, your blood! Yes, it manipulates the iron from your blood!”
Twilight considered it for a brief moment. That could actually make sense… if you didn’t think about it for more than five seconds. “Pinkie, you know that the iron in your blood isn’t actually magnetic, right?”
“What!?” Pinkie gasped. “How!?”
“Just think about it for a sec. Have you ever heard of MRI scans? Those things use some really strong magnets. If blood was really magnetic, everypony put in one of those things would just pop like a balloon!”
Pinkie remained in silence with her jaw open, her confidence dying out as she made the calculations. “Oh…”
Twilight sighed. “Pinkie… why do you even believe in this in the first place?”
“B-because it cured me!” Pinkie assured.
Now that piqued Twilight’s interest. “It cured you?”
“Yes! Let me tell you how.” Pinkie inhaled as Twilight prepared to weather the upcoming storm. “Well yesterday I was like ‘Oh I'm gonna have such nice parties!’ but then I went achoo and then I couldn’t stop going achoo and I can’t throw a party while going achoo that’s not fun! So I went to the doctor and she said ‘take some tablets and you’ll get better in a few days’ but I was like ‘I don’t have days!! I have to party now!!’ so I naturally decided to do evil magics but evil magic only works for evil things so I went to Zecora and she gave me a weird tea I put in my mane because I wasn’t thirsty and then it was night and I found this VHS that said ‘Old infomercials’ and I put it on and I saw this and went ‘this is just what I need!’ but it wasn’t in stock anymore so I had to try evil magic again.” Pinkie gasped for air, every millimeter of oxygen stored in her lungs having been depleted. “So I put it on, drank the tea and went to sleep, and in the morning I was all good!”
Twilight waited a few seconds to be sure the rant was over as Pinkie looked at her expectantly. Twilight then worked her mouth, but shut it down as she appreciated that last sentence. “Wait. You drank tea before going to sleep?”
“Yes! The one Zecora gave me.” She said with a smile as Twilight frowned at her. It took a few seconds before Pinkie came up with a frown of her own as she evaluated what she had just said. “Huh. Tea.”
A few moments of silence passed as Pinkie digested the implications. “Why did you even think the bracelet did it?”
“Well, he told me so.” Pinkie said as he pointed at Twilight.
“Huh?” Twilight said, confused and looking at herself, before a shadow loomed over her as she froze. She then slowly turned around to see a towering red centaur with two big pointy horns staring directly down at her and reaching her soul with a wicked grin. Her eyes narrowed. “Hello, Twilight Sparkle. I’ve been itching to me-.”
Twilight screamed in terror as she blasted away with her magic, the devilish creature dropping the mighty, smug grin for the same terror Twilight had as it was hit with a blast, disappearing into red dust.
Several long, silent seconds passed as Twilight stared at the dispersing red mist, gasping for her rapidly palpitating heart. “Oh, you beat him!”
“Pinkie, WHAT was THAT!?”
“Evil magics, remember?” She said as she tried to smile. A smile that broke with a sigh “I got scammed by Tirek’s half cousin, haven't I?”
Twilight slowly nodded as she recovered from the scare. “Only dumb ponies get scammed.” Pinkie sniffed.
Twilight expression softened. She shouldn’t let Pinkie kick herself like that. “...No, Pinkie. You aren’t dumb. Dumb ponies don’t get scammed.” She said as she approached her friend, putting a hoof on her shoulder. “Desperate ponies do. Even I could get scammed If I was in need.” Twilight sighed. “You just were freaking out and made a dumb decision. Doesn’t mean you’re dumb.”
Pinkie sniffed and managed a smile. “Thanks, Twi.”
Twilight smiled back. “Just… try not to get desperate so easily. I know you love parties, but I’m sure you could live at least one day without one.”
“I'll try.” She replied, followed by a reflexive silence. Which lasted a whole two seconds before Pinkie gasped. “Oh, wait, I have to check on my investments!”
“Your what?”
“Twi, thank you for the lesson, but I need to leave!” She said as she waved her hoof. “Bye!” She said, and soon disappeared in a flash of pink, kicking up dust, and causing Twilight to cough.
…Well, at least that was taken care of, even if Pinkie seemed to have brushed off the lesson there. Now she should be able to get back to… whatever she was doing before this whole ordeal started. What was she doing again?
…
Twilight just stood there like a dummy before deciding to just go home for the day. But as soon as she turned around to the direction of her home, she spotted two ponies approaching her, one flying and the other trotting at her.
“Twilight!” Rainbow Dash shouted as she arrived in a hurry. “This is urgent. Have you seen Pinkie?”
“Uh, yes. I did. Actually, I just talked her out of a scam she was promoting. Why?”
Applejack came to a halt next to her, panting. “Ya did?” Twilight nodded. “Oh thank Celestia ya did.” She said in relief.
“Why?” Twilight repeated herself as she looked at the two winded ponies. Wait. If they knew what was going on and were trying so hard to stop it… “Please don't tell me this happened before.”
“You bet it did.” Rainbow hovered around Twilight. “It happens all the time. She is introduced to a shady thing, preaches about it, then the whole town is in a craze for whatever it is. It 's chaos.”
Twilight frowned. “And how many times has this happened exactly?”
“A whole lot.” Applejack answered. “Six times at least.”
Twilight was baffled. “Six times? How do you even get scammed so often!?” Twilight paced back and forth. “What kinds of scams got to her?”
“Well, there was that one time she brought cola and sold it as the cure to every sickness. Or the time she introduced the house market to Ponyville. Or that one with the medicinal white dust. And the snake oil incident.” Applejack frowned grimly. “We don’t talk about the snake oil incident.”
Rainbow shuddered. “I had never seen Pinkie so bloodthirsty before…”
Twilight twitched “B-But this time it looked like she learned her lesson! A-and she was so sure she wasn’t going to get scammed anymore!” She rushed.
“Oh, she always is.” Applejacked chuckled.
Twilight sat down hard. “So… I just wasted my time?”
Applejack put a hoof on her shoulder. “Well, for what it's worth, she won’t get scammed for a while now.” Applejack frowned. “Maybe.”
“Yeah, just go home and relax a little.” Rainbow added. “Dealing with Pinkie when she’s like that is really exhausting, take it from me.”
Twilight sighed and nodded. Well, maybe she couldn’t stop Pinkie from being Pinkie, but she could surely be there for her everytime she tried to do something Pinkie. And at least she was going to have some downtime before it happened again. Twilight smiled and started trotting away as she thought about the letter she could write to Celestia about today. What kind of lesson was learnt today?
And then she was interrupted by a flash of pink. “Hey Twi, have you ever heard of NFTs!?”
