If I had a clone of your Girlfriend.
"Twilight, Are you sure this is fine?" Spike the Dragon asked as he dipped and dodged the flying boxes and books flying around the room.
"I don't know Spike, but everything points to these three being the source of this magic, so we need to figure out how to stop it." The princess explained as she looked at the statue that housed three of Equestria's greatest threats.
"I understand that, But Discord?" Spike added, covering his head with his claws as he ducked to avoid a fire poker flying above him.
"I don't like this either Spike, but Discord is our only available option right now. By the time the Pillars come by it might already be too late, and they're the most knowledgeable in this subject."
"But Twilight! He was Grogar! He was the one who freed them in the first place!" The young dragon pointed out, "What if he tries doing it again?"
"Don't worry my little crocodile sandal, I won't free even a fart," Suddenly, and with an explosion of confetti and rubber ducks, The Spirit of Chaos appeared in the room.
An encyclopedia about Thermodynamics quickly slammed into his face.
"Just get into the Statue, Discord," Twilight quickly told the spirit, her horn glowing as she caught a wooden box flying towards her, only for the box to explode and cover her face in soot.
"Very well, really no time for pleasantries with you lot these days," The spirit rolled his eyes but moved towards the statue anyway.
"There aren't any pleasantries because this isn't a pleasant time!" Spike shouted at him as he rolled to the side of a flying metal detector. "Why are all these mundane things here anyway?!"
"Hmm, let's see here..." Discord hummed to himself as he snapped his fingers and turned himself into a puddle on the floor. He quickly moved his now liquid to climb over the statue and then started sinking into it.
Discord didn't know what he expected to find inside the statue, but an open and empty field of dust and debris wasn't it.
In the distance, he heard a voice yell out loudly.
"We gave you our answer right out the door and you kept it going!" It was Cozy Glow, the filly was in an argument with somebody.
"Your answer sucks my ass!" He heard Chrysalis yell, a smile growing on his face as he moved his liquid body closer to the two prisoners.
"Is that..." Discord paused when he sensed someone looking at him, seeing no need to keep himself hidden he shed his liquid form and sat down on a lawn chair.
"Discord! I don't know what you're here for, whether it is to gloat or perhaps something deeper, but listen to her new hypothetical and tell me how this somehow proves me wrong!" Discord was amused at the unexpected reaction from the Centaur.
He expected to be met with anger or hate, but instead, Tirek seemed... lively?
"Very well," The chaos spirit smiled as a glass of wine appeared in his claw, drank the glass out of the cup-shaped wine, and settled down, "Let's listen,"
"Okay!" Chrysalis shouted, glaring at Discord before turning back to Cozy Glow and Tirek, "By your theory, this Sombra is a new Sombra who did nothing wrong," A small copy of Sombra appeared sitting on her hoof, a confused look on its face as it looked around its new surroundings.
"Okay," Tirek and Cozy Glow nodded at the Changeling Queen, agreeing that that was indeed their opinion in regards to the question.
"Yeah right!" Chrysalis squashed the tiny Sombra, his body exploding into blood and smoke on the ground as Chrysalis stomped him into the dirt, "So if I make a clone of your significant other," A Female centaur appeared next to Chrysalis, red arms and long white hair tied into a ponytail, a thin body but with a busty chest.
Discord made a disgusted face at where this question was already going.
Tirek stared blankly at the imaginary centaur, unsure how to feel about where the question was going but already knowing full well he'd disagree with whatever Chrysalis had to say.
Cozy Glow glared at the fake Centaur, her eyes moving between it and Tirek in an almost protective manner.
"And then I FUCK HER!" Chrysalis yelled with glee, a black censor bar covering the chest and the lower half of the centaur as she dropped to her knees, her face twisted in a euphoric smile as she looked back at Chrysalis, "Would you be upset?!"
"It's not the same person." The Changeling Queen mockingly said in a stupid voice.
Discord and Cozy Glow both stared blankly at the image Chrysalis imagined, "No," They both answered.
"YOU WOULD BE UPSET!" Chrysalis screamed at the two.
Tirek simply stared awestruck at the Centaur before he swiped his arm in her general direction and she disappeared from the imaginary space.
"No, 'Cause it's a clone," Cozy Glow explained to Chrysalis as calmly as she could.
"Lemme tell-" Discord stood up from his chair, Two Fluttershy's appearing next to him with the numbers ONE and TWO on their forehead respectively "Okay, I would be upset if the original was gone," He said as the Fluttershy with the ONE on her head disappeared into thin air.
"Chrysalis Listen," Tirek finally joined the argument, "Let's say I got a beautiful girlfriend," He pointed with a finger behind him at the Female Centaur from before, "And you make a clone of her-"
"What's her name?" Chrysalis asked dumbly as she flew above the Lady Centaur, "What's her naaaaaaame?" She dragged on.
"I don't- I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND SO I DON'T-" Tirek yelled at the Changeling.
"Tiffany," Cozy said with a smile as she flew closer to the lady Centaur, waving her hello.
"Shitface," Discord said at the same time as Cozy, their words combining together into an amalgamation of a name.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Chrysalis burst with laughter, her shining green carapace covering itself with dust as she rolled on the floor.
"Did you just say Shitiffany?" Tirek looked at Discord with confusion, not expecting the low-brow humor from the Spirit.
"Shapiffany?!" Chrysalis said with a wheeze as she dragged herself back to her hooves.
"Shapiffany..." Tirek crossed his arms and thought the name over before closing his eyes and nodding his head.
"Alright so I am dating Shapiffany, okay." Tirek appeared at the Centaur's side, his arm holding her close to his side as Shapifanny leaned over and hugged him. Cozy Glow sitting on Shapiffany's head, holding her horns like handlebars.
"And Chrysalis somehow managed to clone Shapiffany," Tirek continued, turning to see Chrysalis looking into a vat of green liquid, Another Shapifanny floating in the vat. "And she wants to fuck her," Chrysalis walked closer to the cloning tank and pulled out a box filled with toys.
"As long as I have the original Shapifanny, and she loves me, and doesn't have feelings for Chrysalis," Cozy Glow nodded her head in agreement as Tirek explained his opinion on the hypothetical question, "I don't care if she fucks her,"
Discord and Cozy Glow clapped at Tirek's wonderful explanation.
And then Chrysalis appeared behind Shapifanny and sliced her neck open without any warning.
"Yeah but now Shapifanny's FUCKING DEAD and the clone remains!" Chrysalis disappeared from the bleeding body of the Centaur and appeared next to a new Shapifanny, fresh from the lab.
Tirek, Cozy Glow, and Discord stare at the bleeding body of Shapiffany in shock.
"Wha..." Tirek breathed out in shock before his body exploded in mass, his feeble and malnourished body turning into his healthy and muscular form as he turned to Chrysalis and grabbed her Shoulders in his hand, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"
"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!" Cozy Glow screamed at Chrysalis, Her tiny Alicorn Horn firing a bullet of magic at the Changeling.
"NOW YOU'RE FUCKED! YOU'VE GOT NO ANSWER!!" Chrysalis screamed at the duo of villains as Tirek shook her harshly by the shoulders.
"When did she die!? When did you bring this into the equation!?" Tirek asked loudly as he pointed a hand at the no longer dead body of Shapiffany, who waved at them happily in return.
"Does that mean her body-" Cozy Glow started as she glared at Chrysalis.
Chrysalis slithered away from Tirek and Cozy "Discord Help Me!" She yelled at the spirit.
"Does her body not exist now and her consciousness shifted over to the clone?" Cozy Glow asked, her eyes moving between the original Shapiffany and the one made in the vat. Both of whom were waving happily at the filly.
"'CAUSE THEN THAT'S JUST HER!" Cozy screamed at the Changeling, causing both Shapiffany's to look at each other and shrug.
"I fucking told you," Chrysalis said from her hiding place behind Discord, "That they have the same thoughts and memories," She pointed at Cozy and Tirek, "But you said 'NOO!'"
"WELL AS LONG AS THE ORIGINAL EXISTS-" Tirek yelled at Chrysalis as he stood over her, causing her to shrink into herself.
"CHRYSALIS, IF THE ORIGINAL EXISTS, IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!" Cozy Glow joined in screaming at Chrysalis. "IT'S NOT THE SAME PERSON!!!!!!"
Discord nodded his head unsure, "Even if the original is dead and the clone is the only one there, I'd still argue it's a different person,"
"Yes, me too," Cozy agreed with the spirit as he joined the attack on Chrysalis.
"I would just be irrationally upset," Discord scowled at the idea of Chrysalis sleeping with a clone of Fluttershy.
"Exactly! So If I had-"
"Cause then you're just rubbing it in at that point,"
"Yeah! YES!!! If I loved Shapifanny, and she died, and there was one clone of her-"
"Hey look there, I cloned her, Haha-" Cozy said as if mocking Chrysalis.
"-And Chrysalis is still fucking her, That will make me feel bad,"
"-And I'm fucking her too!" Cozy glow mocked, two little action figures of Shapiffany and Chrysalis floating in front of her, bashing into each other like a childish recreation of the birds and the bees.
"I would be mad at you, Chrysalis, Because you did that!" Cozy Glow threw the toys aside and pointed a hoof at the Changeling Queen.
"YES!" Tirek yelled, "I would think as a good coworker you wouldn't be fucking my dead girlfriend's clone."
"You would make a clone of someone's-" Cozy Glow said but she couldn't finish her sentence as a cloud of dust flew into her mouth.
"Okay!" Chrysalis teleported away from the trio of Villains, "Here's a new spin," She pointed to the side at where Shapifanny stood, "Sombra runs off with Shapifanny and leaves!"
In the distance, a tiny little Sombra could be seen running away with Shapifanny by his side.
"Is it Sombra or a clone of Sombra?!" Cozy asked loudly.
"A clone of Sombra!"
"THEY'RE CLONES I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT THEY DO!!!" Tirek roared with anger at the stupidity of this argument.
"Fine," Chrysalis said calmly as she rolled her eyes, waving her hoof at Tirek and Cozy.
"Fuck her clone, fuck little Sombra, I don't care!" Tirek crossed his arms as he stared at the Changeling.
Discord could feel his eyes twitch, something he forgot he was able to do.
What was wrong with these three?
"I'm gonna' kill her," Chrysalis said casually, Her leg turning into a knife as she held it to the neck of a Shapifanny.
"I'm gonna kill normal-" Chrysalis couldn't finish her sentence as Tirek's meaty red finger wrapped around her neck as he lifted her with one arm.
"DON'T KILL HER!" He roared at her, Shapifanny trembling in fear as she held onto Tirek's back, her eyes staring at Chrysalis.
"BECAUSE AS LONG AS I HAVE THE REAL SHAPIFANNY I DON'T CARE!!!"
Discord could feel his blood pressure rising.
Twilight yelped in surprise as the stone floor beneath the statue cracked, a wave of magic pushing away all the remaining furniture in the basement.
Cozy Glow joined Tirek as a rope of red magic wrapped around Chrysalis's mouth and legs as she struggled in the Centaur's grasp, "YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL IF YOU KILL THE REAL-"
Discord could feel his magic power rising as the chaos of this one single argument flowed through his body.
"THERE IS NO SHAPIFANNY!" Discord screamed as an explosion of magic tore through the Canterlot Castle, throwing furniture away and turning the magic in some sectors off.
Dust covered the basement as the explosion burned away the nearby boxes and books, Twilight and Spike coughed as they hid behind a magic barrier.
Suddenly Twilight's eyes widened as three more figures joined Discord from the dust.
"HAHA! Free at last!" Queen Chrysalis laughed as her ruined carapace refracted what meager light there was in the basement before she pointed at Tirek and Cozy Glow, "See you never, LOSERS! HAHAHAHA!" And with a bright flash of green magic, she teleported away.
Tirek stared at his once again weak and malnourished hands in silence as the last moments of the argument replayed in his mind. He turned his head to look at Cozy Glow, tears in his eyes as he pulled her into a hug.
"Woah! What's going on with those two?!" Spike exclaimed as he watched from behind the barrier.
"There there," Cozy smiled up at Tirek as she hugged him back, Her body now back to that of a regular Pegasus Filly, "Let's go find us a real Shapifanny,"
Tirek sniffed loudly and wiped his nose, flicking the snot at Twilight's barrier before the two simply walked around her and out the door.
Twilight couldn't help but stare in shock at the now broken Statue sitting in the middle of her basement and at the Spirit of Chaos lying on the floor beneath it, taking in deep breaths as he tried to calm himself down.
With one very long argument, stemming from a stupid Hypothetical Question, The strongest magic prison in the history of Equestria, was shattered.
And all Twilight could ask was, "Who in the world is Shapifanny?"
Author's Note
This is the second part of me trying to write colored dialogue.
Some of you may already have recognized the bit from the first chapter, but for those who didn't:
It's a fucking Oney Plays bit from years ago.
There is no "Happy Halloween" This time, but if I'm uploading this on the correct day, then I managed to not fail to upload on my 20th Birthday.
Is this November 8th? 504-year anniversary of the Fall of Tenochtitlan?
Anyway, this was fun to write. I might create a continuation of this story where Tirek, Cozy, and Chrysalis, all live in the same apartment and have to learn to live together. All Sitcom-like.
But that's for the future.
Everyone needs a Shapifanny of their own :)
Art by SkycatcherEquestria
