The Apple Screening

by RunicTreetops

Rating: everyone
Tags: Applejack, Anon, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Big Macintosh, Slice of Life, Human, Granny Smith
Length: 3609

After dating for quite some time, Anon and Applejack are ready to make their new relationship public. However, before they can do so, Anon will have to endure the Apple Screening.

Anon and Applejack started dating some time ago. Due to a multitude of reasons, they attempted to keep their new relationship low-key and private. Now, they're ready to start taking it a bit more seriously, and that means revealing their feelings for each other to the rest of the Apple family.

However, Applejack has been reluctant to do so, and it's time Anon found out why. According to Apple family tradition, if Anon is to be accepted by the Apples, he must first pass the Apple Screening.

...Good luck, Anon.

Published 2023-11-11 07:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-11-11 07:20:00 UTC

The Apple Screening

"Thanks for helpin' out, Anon."

"Hey, it's the least I could do. Besides, I... didn't really do much."

Anon and Applejack slowly make their way across the rolling fields that make up Sweet Apple Acres. Both are drenched in sweat as the early afternoon sun hangs above them. The creaking of wood and the sound of many apples bumping into each other fills the space as Applejack pulls a large wooden cart filled with a dozen large baskets of apples.

The morning was spent apple bucking, as most are this time of year for AJ. It's been routine for her for a long time, but the same cannot be said for Anon. Said human awkwardly walks with his hands folded behind his head. He isn't strong enough to buck apples, and trying to pick them manually would frankly be kind of stupid when his marefriend could just walk right up and get the job done in seconds. Instead, his role has been to follow her around and load the baskets that the apples fall into onto the cart. Of course, he isn't strong enough to move the cart either, so his helpfulness has been... minimal, to say the least.

"Ya did all that ya could. If ya tried doin' it my way, you'd either fail miserably or bruise the apples, and if our apples aren't pristine, they aren't worth sellin' to begin with." Applejack turns to Anon and smiles. "I appreciate any help when I can get it. Twilight taught me that a long time ago." She snickers and gently nudges him in the leg. "'Sides, I enjoy the company."

Anon smiles back at her as he wipes his brow.

"Well, it's not what I'd call a 'normal' date, but knowing you, I doubt you'd have it any other way."

"I do feel bad makin' ya spend all this time doin' manual labor. Next time we'll do whatever ya want, how's that?"

"Oh? And if I wanted to go to a fancy ball up in Canterlot?"

"I-"

"Maybe I should commission Rarity to make you a nice, frilly dress." Applejack, now red in the face, gives Anon a smack, causing him to laugh. "I'm kidding!"

"Yeah, I know that, but what if Apple Bloom hears ya?"

"Haha, I think she'd know better." The pair slows as they reach the little farm house that the Apple family lives in. It's still incredibly hot outside, but Granny Smith is quietly rocking back and forth in her old, wooden chair on the front porch. Anon turns to Applejack as they head around the house towards the barn, where the baskets will be dropped off. When he speaks again, his voice is a bit quieter than before. "Speaking of... when are we going to go public with this?"

Applejack hesitates for a moment and continues looking forward when she speaks up.

"I guess we'll have to eventually, huh?"

"...AJ?"

"Hm?"

"Is something wrong?"

"Heh, is it that obvious?"

"Can't say the Element of Honesty is particularly good at lying, no."

Applejack chuckles, but it sounds empty and anxious.

"Look," she begins to say as they both begin to unload the baskets from the cart. "I like ya a lot, Anon. Ya know that. And I would love nothin' more than to yell that to the high heavens. But my family tends to be a bit... protective of each other."

"AJ, no offense, but I've known your family for years. I thought they liked me."

"As a friend, sure. As my boyfriend, maybe not so much."

Anon takes a moment to scritch the back of Applejack's neck, making her shudder until he stops.

"I think you're not giving them enough credit."

"Ya don't understand, Anon. It's not just a matter of whether or not they like ya. We've got a whole system in place for when someone wants to become part of the family."

"Woah, woah! Don't get me wrong, I like you a lot, but it's not like we're getting married!"

Applejack laughs.

"Yeah, but Granny will insist we go through with the screenin' anyway."

"Screening?"

"The Apple Screenin'. That's the system I was just talkin' about."

"So, they're gonna test me?"

"Each family member except for the one bringin' the new special somepony home interviews said somepony to determine if they're worthy of datin' an Apple. The questions they ask is up to them. If you get through all of 'em, there's one final test that's determined by all three together. In your case, Apple Bloom, Big Mac, and Granny will be the ones testin' ya."

"...Uh huh." Anon looks at Applejack with confusion. He doesn't doubt that she's telling the truth, he's just a bit perplexed. "So, you were involved in that screening when Big Mac and Sugar Belle became a thing?"

"Sure was! Though, we kinda went easy on her. Apple Bloom was all for her and Granny was just happy to see Big Mac bring a mare home, so I had to do all of the heavy liftin'."

"You make it sound like this screening is supposed to be difficult," Anon says with a lifted eyebrow as they walk back out of the barn and into the sun.

"Well... kinda?" Applejack rubs the back of her head. "I can promise ya that I won't be goin' easy on anypony wantin' to date Apple Bloom, that's for sure. I imagine they probably feel the same about me."

"Well, that's definitely not nerve-racking at all. Let's do it!" Anon tries to act confident, but is failing to hide his growing anxiety.

Applejack smiles at him apologetically.

"Alright, I'll tell 'em to get ready."

Anon is sat down in what feels like a small wooden chair. After Applejack went to tell her family about him, she promptly returned with an apologetic look on her face and Big Mac right alongside her. She sheepishly told him he had to put on a blindfold that Big Mac held out for him, and he did so. After that, he was walked to who-knows-where, and now, he is sitting without any idea of where he is.

Suddenly, his blindfold is removed. He winces at the bright light from a table lamp being shined directly into his eyes. Once said eyes finally adjust, he gets a chance to look around.

...This is just the Apples' kitchen with the lights turned off. He's sitting at their kitchen table.

He decides not to bring it up.

"So, you're lookin' to defile my sister." Anon's eyes are drawn to the far side of the table, where a young voice trying desperately to sound serious speaks to him. He can't see anything though, at least not until the familiar form of Apple Bloom grunts as she climbs into the chair across from him and slams her front hooves on the table. It isn't even remotely intimidating. "It's up to me to decide if you're worthy of doin' that."

"I would really prefer it if you phrased that any other way."

"I'll be the one askin' the questions here!"

I didn't even ask her a question, Anon thinks to himself.

"Your screenin' begins now." Apple Bloom clears her throat before she starts to lean her small form across the table. "What got you so interested in my sister to begin with?"

Anon scratches his chin as he recalls the past couple of years. He ended up in Equestria a while ago, but it's not like he and AJ have been together all that time. After a bit of contemplation, he answers in as clear of a voice as he can muster.

"Everypony was really nice to me when we found out I was stranded in Equestria, but she stuck out as somepony I could really talk to. Something about her just made her really... relatable, I suppose. I felt like I could rely on her, or talk to her about anything. N-not that I dumped all of my problems on her or anything!"

"Oh? And what do you do for her?"

Anon hesitates. In truth, that's been a sore spot for him since they started dating. It's not like he struggles with self-confidence or anything, but the fact of the matter is that Applejack is stronger than him, braver than him, has more integrity than him... really, he feels like she's out of his league. Heck, he can only barely help her on the farm. What does he do for her?

Sweat begins to form on Anon's brow as he hesitantly answers.

"Whatever I have to do."

"And what in the hay does that mean?"

"Literally anything Applejack needs me to do, I'll do it."

"..." Apple Bloom narrows her eyes at Anon before dipping beneath the table and producing what looks to be a completely rotten apple. She rolls it towards him, and he catches it before it falls off the table. Sure enough, it's a really gross apple that seems to have been sitting out for way too long. "Eat it."

"H-huh?"

"Eat it. You said you'd do anythin', and that's somethin'. So... eat it."

Anon gulps nervously before looking at Apple Bloom one more time. Despite her small stature, those big eyes of hers tell him everything. She's serious.

...Well, down the hatch.

Anon cups his chin in his hand, carefully stroking said chin with his thumb while keeping his index finger planted over his lips. It's a (mostly useless) method of containing his newfound nausea. He ate the apple, all right. The whole darn thing.

A door on the far side of the room opens as Apple Bloom exits, and immediately taking her place is the much larger form of Big McIntosh. He sits across from Anon with much more ease than Apple Bloom did, his bulky stallion body much more intimidating than his little sister's.

"Hey, Big Mac." Anon and Big Mac have been on good terms for as long as Anon can remember, but he's never seen him look quite this serious.

Also, he isn't the most talkative dude around. Surely he isn't cut out for-

"Do you know what'll happen to you if you hurt my sister?"

His voice is as deep as always, but it now carries with it a weight that Anon has never heard. He means every single word. The sweat that was gathering on Anon's brow has only continued to accumulate, giving his face a sort of shine beneath the bright desk lamp. However, something about this question gets Anon's attention.

He locks eyes with Big Mac, his own expression about as serious as the red stallion's.

"I imagine the answer you're looking for is that your family will do even worse to me," he answers resolutely.

"You don't even know-"

"But," Anon interrupts. "I don't like how little faith you have in Applejack."

Big Mac leans forward much like Apple Bloom did, his heavy form making the table creak beneath him.

"Excuse me?"

Anon balls his hand into a fist, places his head on it, then rests his elbow on the table as he meets Big Mac's gaze.

"You presume that I would be capable of hurting Applejack to begin with. I don't know what you think of me, but you're severely underestimating her if you think I could ever hurt her."

"Maybe not physically."

"You and I both know that if I hurt her emotionally - not that I would - she'd do me in worse than you ever could."

"..." Big Mac slowly leans back into his chair, his eyes slowly drifting to the side. "...Eeyup."

Granny Smith sits across from Anon, who is now sweating harder than ever. He isn't sure how well he did with Apple Bloom or Big Mac, but he knew going in that this would be the make-or-break moment. Despite her age, Granny Smith can be very intense when she wants. Couple that with how long she's been devoted to the Apple family, and he has a recipe for disaster waiting here.

There can be no doubt that she'll be harder on him than the other two could ever dream of.

"Yer name's Anon, right?" She asks in her typical strained voice.

"Y-yes, ma'am."

"Aw, cut it with the 'ma'am' speak! Yer tryin' too hard!" She slams a hoof onto the table, and unlike with the other two, this actually makes Anon flinch.

"Y-yes, ma-Granny Smith!"

"That's more like it." She leans back again and looks Anon up and down for an awkwardly long time. Then, to Anon's surprise, she sighs. "Look, sonny. We have this screenin' to make sure no 'bad apples' get involved with our own. I've seen ya out there, with yer spindly little legs and yer clothes that are too clean all the time. Yer no good at farmin', that's for sure."

"..." Anon does not dare speak up. Besides, she's right.

"But then again, neither is Sugar Belle." Carefully, she lifts herself out of her chair and makes her way over to the nearby fridge. Despite the kitchen being pitch black, she has no problem finding the handle and retrieving what looks like a small glass from it. She quietly makes her way back to her seat and slides the glass across the table, allowing Anon to see that it's filled with a yellowish liquid. "Here, have some juice. Yer lookin' awful warm."

"Th-thank you."

Granny Smith smiles a gentle smile.

"We just want what's best for Applejack. I've..." Granny looks to the side for a moment as her eyes briefly seem to glaze over. "I've seen what love can do to ponies. And I've seen what happens when ya try to get in the way of that." She locks eyes with Anon once more, the smile back on her face. "If she likes ya, then I'm not gonna argue with her. But!" Her sudden increase in volume makes Anon jump. "You've still gotta be able to pull yer weight around here somehow! Sugar Belle can do some mean bakin' with our Apples. What do ya bring to the table?"

Anon thinks for just a moment before nodding to himself and smiling back at Granny Smith.

"Nothing."

Granny Smith's eyes widen.

"Nothin'?!"

"I've never worked on a farm before. Granted, I'd be happy to learn and help however I can, but I'll never be able to buck like Applejack or Big Mac or even Apple Bloom. I can't bake like Sugar Belle, and... well, you get the idea."

He's not lying, either. Anon had a desk job in his old world, and he does similar work for Mayor Mare here in Ponyville. He can be handy when he needs to be, but even then, he pales in comparison to Big Mac.

"Ya really came to this screenin' just to tell me that ya don't fit in with the Apples?"

"It's better than lying about it. Besides, I have to do this screening."

"And why's that?"

"Because I love her."

"..." Granny looks taken aback by that statement, but her bewilderment quickly melts away as she begins to laugh. "I think she's rubbin' off on ya!"

Following Granny Smith's portion of the screening, Anon was escorted outside by the entire Apple family. They all walked together into the tree-filled fields, none knowing quite what to say. The sun is beginning to set, which makes the farm seem less inviting than it usually is but also makes it a whole let cooler. Granny Smith, Apple Bloom, Applejack, Big McIntosh, and Sugar Belle all suddenly stop, causing Anon to do the same. Then, they each take a step back except for Applejack, who walks up to Anon's side.

"...Well, they decided on what your final test should be." She nervously motions towards the many apple-filled trees in front of them before turning and motioning to the very same cart that they had put away hours before, which now sits not too far away. "Buck as many apples as ya can before the sun rises."

"W-wait, buck? AJ, I can't-"

"I didn't make the test," she quietly says as she pulls her hat down slightly to cover her eyes. "I'm sorry about all this."

After looking at her for a moment, Anon smiles and boops her nose.

"Guess I'll just have to do my best."

She lets out a single, empty chuckle.

"Good luck."

Without another word, she also steps back and joins the rest of her family. Anon shakes his head and slaps his cheeks. It's time to focus. It's physically impossible for him to buck apples or move that cart when it's full, so the best he can do is pick them and carry them all back to where the cart is now. It won't be a lot, especially not by Apple family standards, but he's got to do his best.

Here goes nothing.

In the distance, a rooster loudly calls out into the morning air. The sun begins to rise over the horizon, bathing Sweet Apple Acres in a gentle light. The time has come. The Apple Screening has ended.

The Apple family emerges from the farm house together, eager to see how Anon did throughout the night. They leisurely walk towards the area they set him loose in, but they all come to a stop when they see the cart.

"What in the world?" Applejack's eyes go wide as she is the first to speak up. Her family looks just as surprised as she does. "H-how?"

Before them is the cart, which is filled end to end with baskets of apples. Each basket is filled to the brim, and each apple is free of any bruises or blemishes. However, it doesn't just stop there. Surrounding the cart are even more baskets resting in the grass. Hundreds, if not thousands, of apples sit in those baskets, their skins shiny enough to gleam in the morning sun.

As they all circle the cart and the nearby baskets, they find Anon lying in the grass between a couple of said baskets. One of his hands still rests on one of those baskets, and it's the only one not completely full. He squints as he struggles to look up at Applejack until her form blocks out the morning sun for him. She looks down at him with a mixture of concern and curiosity before helping him to his feet. Dark bags have formed under his eyes, and his clothes are stained with sweat. Plus, he smells really, really bad.

"What happened last night?!"

"I did what you asked." Anon motions towards the nearby trees, which have all been picked clean. "I can't buck, so I borrowed your ladder from the barn."

"You PICKED all of these?!"

"You told me to," he mumbles. His vision is unfocused and he struggles to stand up straight. "So I did, all night long."

"Surely there was a better way?"

"Maybe, but..." Anon weakly points to the apples in a nearest basket. "I could have bruised them. And if they aren't pristine..."

"They aren't worth sellin'." Granny Smith finishes Anon's thought for him as she walks up to the pair, a smile on her face.

"If we're bein' honest," Apple Bloom adds, "we didn't actually think ya'd be able to fill the cart."

"H-huh?"

"We were testin' how you'd treat the apples, to see if you'd been listenin' to Applejack. And, uh, you were."

"Hold on. If you picked all of these," Sugar Belle mumbles, "how long have you been doing this?"

"Since you all told me to."

"Without any breaks?!"

"No." Anon takes a step forward, but he trips over himself. Applejack supports him before he can hit the ground, allowing him to recover. "D-did I do good?"

The Apples all share a glance before smiling at each other. Applejack takes one of his hands in both of her front hooves and gives him a warm, comforting smile.

"Welcome to the Apple family, Anon."

"Heh. Sweet."

Anon smiles and closes his eyes.

It was strange. It was stressful. And yet, despite it all, he passed the Apple Screening. His heart filled with pride and joy at the prospect of being accepted by his marefriend's family, he falls backwards onto the grass, causing Applejack to gasp.

Her fear immediately subsides as she hears quiet snores coming from his exhausted face. She laughs to herself and turns to the rest of her family.

"I'll take him back home. Thanks for goin' easy on him, y'all."

The rest of her family exchanges some happy words as Anon continues to snooze beneath them. Eventually, they all begin to return to the house, leaving Applejack alone with her sleeping boyfriend. Once they're in the clear, she glances around before placing a kiss on one of his sleeping cheeks.

"I know I never told ya this, but I was listenin' that whole time." Despite her comparatively smaller form, Applejack doesn't struggle to lift Anon onto her back and load him into the cart along with many of the apples. "...I love ya too, Anon."

Even though he can't hear her, Applejack goes completely red in the face. Smiling to herself, she begins to pull the cart into town, ready to deliver her sleeping boyfriend to his home.

"Let's hope the rest of the family goes as easy on ya at our next reunion," she mumbles.

Author's Note

Sorry for making you all wait so long for Applejack! I didn't want to try writing her without a good idea, but then I thought of this and all the pieces just fell into place! :ajsmug:

As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!