The royal, the couch, and the bank account.

by KarmaSentinal

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Self Insert, Profanity, Slice of Life
Length: 2044

A human has to deal with his new roommate.

Jonathon's return home from Equestria went as flawless as one could have hoped for when it involved the use of magical incantations, runes, questionable sample requests, and the need to have the timing perfect. Everything worked out, and Jon was back home.

The only problem was asking if Luna wanted a bottle of water.

This story was inspired by two sources:

1). The AI generated artwork used as the cover.
2). By an old FIM favorite of mine, Exchange.

My name isn't Jonathan. The self insert tag was me projecting how I might be acting if this was me experiencing it.

Published 2023-11-08 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-11-08 01:10:01 UTC

The royal, the couch, and the bank account.

“Who the hell is that?” Jonathan mumbled under his breath as he strolled through the living room, ignoring the flashing tv screen and the small, but accumulating pile of oats on the floor.

Making a quick turn out of the room into the hall, Jon checked through the peephole to see this baby-faced man with a dad body standing on the other side- his left hand holding a brown sack while his right hand held his phone.

“Damn it Luna.” He mumbled under his breath before twisting the deadbolt to the right and opened the front door. “Hello? Can I help you?”

“Order for a Princess Luna?” The man read the name off his screen, but Jon couldn’t tell what he thought of the name. Likely the man had encountered even stranger people before, and this was another Tuesday for him.

“Another… LUNA! DID YOU ORDER MORE FOOD!?” Jonathan shouted over his shoulder, and the two men heard a commotion from the other room with a replay of equal fervor.

“OF COURSE WE DID! HOW ELSE COULD WE OBTAIN THE NUTRIENTS NEEDED TO SURVIVE?”

“Maybe cook or change the channel less? That ought to save you a few calories!” Jonathan sighed and returned his attention to the man. “Sorry about that. Did she already pay?”

“She did, and already tipped.” Jon felt himself wanting to punch the wall next to him after learning that, but nodded instead.

“She’s lucky we’re good friends, else I’ll dump her ass in a field somewhere.” Jon didn’t even grasp how that statement must have sounded to another person unaware the mysterious woman was a large pony, and could feed off grass. The delivery man nodded, and the two men shared a moment of comradery based on two different meanings of the statement.

“Yea my first wife was like that. That crazy bitch nearly set the house on fire once because she had got it in her head that I was cheating on her and wanted to take me out while I was sleeping.”

“Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with people?” Jon retorted.

“Tell me about it! I had to phone Rebecca the next day, and we agreed to lay low for a few weeks until Sara calmed down. Anyway, I got two deliveries left mate. Have a good one.”

The man promptly turned around and hurriedly walked down the stone path that led toward the street, where his Challenger was left running.

“Fucking people, man.” Jon closed the door, and it was reminded that this line of thinking led him to his current predicament of hosting a non-human pony royal that did nothing but eat. “Why in God’s green earth did you order Taco Bell? I barely have a toilet big enough for you, and you want to risk it?”

“We have heard nothing but empty threats from you long enough to consider it is all a jest on our part. Besides, the other day this place had something that caught our interest during that spinning wheel game show.”

Jonathan angrily strolled back into the room to find Luna in very much the same position he left her in nearly two hours ago, save this time her eyeballs had detached themselves from the tv, and was facing the hall where he stood. He raised the bag up for her to see.

“What could you have seen to make you order this, and why didn’t you tell me yet again?”

“Because you would have stopped us again.” Luna admitted as she rolled off the couch and onto the floor. Her growing belly was more noticeable as she didn’t even try to hide it anymore. “Salads but with meat!”

Luna took the offered bag, and dragged her rear right leg a little before she was able to lift it up and take a couple steps with it. She placed the bag on the table, ripping it top to bottom to turn it into a place mat for the plastic container; her magic had deteriorated since being stranded on Earth, forcing the pony to use it sparingly. Adding to Jon’s lessening opinion of his royal roommate, she seemed to exclusively use it to open food containers instead.

“Luna, you are a pony that eats like a horse, and I have come to accept that, but why are you eating meat?”

“Never call us that again! The only one we’ve known meant for the cobble stone path would be that enchantress Countess Limbella.”

“Alright, I didn’t mean anything by it. But why a taco salad of things?”

“Because of the meat additive of course! We alicorns need large amounts of protein, and made do with what we caught during those simple days of our youth. After discovering Equestria, meat became scarce from our diets to keep the ponies from taking up spears to overthrow us.”

“So you eat meat, but what about Celestia?”

“Of course she did you deaf commoner, what did you think when we said ‘our diets’?”

“Forget it. I’m not getting into that with you.” Jon wisely concluded, even going the extra distance to raise his hands to show his willingness to back down. Luna thankfully accepted the offer, and began poking at the salad with her plastic fork.

“Aye, and to discover a salad with meat in it? I almost choked on my oats.” The princess was almost cackling as she stuck her muzzle into the subpar food with every intent of sniffing it.

This behavior was strange, but accepted by Jon as he made his way toward the kitchen to grab a bottle of coke for himself. One of his biggest gripes with having a woman roommate that lazed about spending his money was that they weren’t even together!

“Or offered me any food.” He thought as he returned to the living area where the table was set up only to find the princess hadn’t even started her free meal. Gesturing to her and then the food, Luna took the hint and lifted her muzzle out of the food.

“Tis not meat, or anything we recognize. Can you recall what creature could produce this unique offering?”

“No. But I do recall reading it's only 10% beef with the rest being imitation.” Jon lied, still feeling shafted by the lazy mare. He never did look up whether or not that story about Taco Bell’s beef was true, but couldn’t resist the idea of telling Luna that story.

Of course, this backfired.

Instead of being disgusted by the thought of eating what would be considered a sentient creature from her homeland, let alone not knowing the other 90% ingredients as harrowing, the mare seemed elated. This was one of three times Jon ever saw her mane floating since being stranded at his house for possibly the next month, and right there he knew he goofed.

“Truly? Is it possible to create meat out of common ingredients without taking the life of another?”

“What? You mean Tofu?” He winced, cursing his developed sarcastic nature. If he had the proper rounds, he might have loaded his rifle and blew his foot off out back.

“So there is a way…”

Her voice had dropped into a near whisper before she stood completely erect, much the same way Jon remembered meeting the mare for the first time back in Canterlot. Sometimes he wondered if he made the right choice coming back to Earth and not staying in Canterlot, but then he’d recall how it seemed the world was targeting him. It was too much, and felt like he was getting camped by COD snipers until he quit and came back to Earth.

“Listen Luna. There is a way, but unless you know how to cook it, you’ll be better off eating trash than wasting your time. If you really want to try it, then maybe watch Youtube to see if you really want to try it.” Jonathan suggested, and took a sip of his coke while he watched the princess seemingly debate with herself over the idea before she shook her head much like a real horse- angry huffing and all.

“Another day perhaps. Our food will be cooling, and the amount of time needed to locate the proper sources will cut into our programming time.”

“Actually, I would be at work, so don’t worry about me.”

“We already accounted for that.”

“But you said our programming time.”

“Of course.” Luna turned to her human host and using her wings slapped her barrel with them.

“What did thee expect from it?”

“Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. Grab your salad, and let the two of us see what’s on.” Jon commanded as he made his way toward the couch, missing how the princess’s ears perked up, and tail almost wagged.

“Finally! We had grown bored with the offerings of the box, and suggest you find us something from your library of content.” Luna chirped as she jumped over the couch, salad in her magical aura, so she could land directly in front of it where she proceeded to re-fluff the sagging pillows.

“Damn it Luna, you spilt that bag of oats!” Jon cried as he rounded the corner and noticed the larger mess on the floor he swore wasn’t the same one he’d stepped in only moments before. His guest waved it off as she began literally nibbling on the taco shell first, trying to open a path to the offerings inside.

“We’ll eat them later tonight before we go for our nightly stroll around the neighborhood.”

“And my offer of walking you in the park didn’t cut it?” Jon retorted, trying not to snicker knowing the mare had a different idea then the one of a man walking his dog.

“SHUT IT YOU CUR! WE SHALL NOT ASK ANOTHER TIME!”

Laughing to himself, Jon began browsing his limited blu ray, and dvd collection looking for a movie they hadn’t seen yet, and might calm the mare down. His fingers barely touched their spines as he realized how dusty the movies were, but ignored them trying to find a good one…

“How about DUNE? It’s a space opera set on a desert planet where two rival houses try to kill each other?”

“Space? As in stars?”

“Not directly set in the stars, but yea. They travel between stars to other worlds and fight each other for the resources. A recent favorite of mine after seeing the preview and decided to listen to the first four books.”

Luna ceased her nibbling and looked up at the offered movie to study its modest cover of the actors against the black background. What must have sold it was the white specks of wear might have resembled stars in the night sky…

“Tis is acceptable.” the lazy princess finally concluded and leaned back into the couch, but before she could even resume eating, Jon was already handing her his PS4 controller.

“Take this, I’ll teach you how to turn this on in case you want to watch another while I’m working.”

Taking the controller in hoof, he almost snapped hearing how rough Luna’s hooves sounded against the plastic. He calmed himself, and began instructing her how to set up the movie for a few moments before taking a seat on the floor at the end of the couch- he made sure to avoid the spilt oats.

Luna wasn’t one to take learning for granted, especially if it meant broadening her ability to consume this strange content, and took to it quickly enough that Jon didn’t have to avidly instruct her anymore. Instead, he began looking for his bottle of coke he somehow misplaced, and wondered if Luna would be able to open that portal back during the next full moon.

“If not, I’ll have to tease that prude about common law taking effect, and her having to take on my name.” He internally cackled as he began pointing out where she needed to go to get the movie started.

“Do you want context to this movie, or do you want to jump in?”

“Your words are appreciated but unnecessary, for I would very much like to think then be hoof held.”

“Alright then, hit play roomie.”