Make Me a Sandwich!

by holdyerhorses

Rating: teen
Tags: Sprout, Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: A New Generation, Mane 5, Sex, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 7045

Ew, no, not like that! Like this!

Sprout comes across something he wish he hadn't seen. Something awful. Something... dry.

It is now up to him to save his friends from their awful... culinary skills?

Published 2023-11-13 17:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-11-13 17:40:01 UTC

Kitchen Conundrum

Beams of sunlight and the ocean air found their way through the windows and open elevator shaft of the Crystal BrightHouse, bathing a certain pink Pegasus with a proper morning greeting. Pipp Petals groggily lifted her head with a yawn and opened her emerald eyes, letting her stained-glass window greet her. Turning and sitting up with a morning stretch, Pipp surveyed her four-way shared bedroom.

To her right, Zipp Storm snored more like a bear than a princess, as she lay sprawled out across a bundle of pillows atop her pedestal of a bed. A well-deserved rest after a fair day’s share of stunts, cardio, and investigation. Although, Pipp grimaced at the sight, for she had long ago warned Zipp about the dangerous distance from the mattress to the floor. But Zipp brushed off the warning without much care. A part of Pipp worried for her sister every night before bed, while the deepest parts of her brain longed for the day which she could say “I told you so.”

Pipp scoffed and rolled her eyes as she diverted her attention elsewhere. To approximately Pipp’s 11 o’clock, Sunny Starscout peacefully slept beneath her blanket atop her humble bed. She regretted looking in this direction too, because Sunny’s unruly mane was horribly tangled.

Pipp then looked directly ahead at Izzy Moonbow’s exotic sleeping basket thingy. She appreciated the sheer amount of creativity that went into that fine piece of craftsmareship. Combined with the Izzy’s exotic sleeping habits, Pipp was sure that sleeping itself could become a form of entertainment. ‘Mental note: Izzy sleep stream.’ As Pipp’s thoughts died down, she soon realized that Izzy was absent from her area, as well as the whole room.

Pushing the silk comforter off her body, Pipp made her way to the door of the living quarters. Within a few seconds of wing-flapping, Pipp bypassed both ramps and touched down in the kitchen. She grabbed a mug from the cabinets surrounding the kitchen island, then trotted over to the coffee maker beside the stove and poured herself a cup of warm coffee, which was still lightly steaming. Scanning the floor, neither Izzy nor Hitch were in sight. Pipp decided that Izzy must’ve left not too long ago. Coffee mug in wing, she trotted to the side of the island that had cabinets. Using her hoof, she began to open the cabinet that held the bread until-

“GOOD MORNING, PIPP!!!”

“AH SHIT!!!”

*SMACK*

Izzy greeted Pipp a little too enthusiastically, magically smacking the chonky mare with a bagged loaf of bread as she screeched a good morning greeting from inside the cabinet. Pipp would have enjoyed the jump scare as a horror connoisseur, if not for the impact of the loaf toppling her over and causing her to spill the coffee on herself. “Ow! Hothothothothothothot!” Pipp shrieked as she frantically fanned herself with her wings and hooves, while Izzy immediately started blowing on her chest. Izzy stopped, however, for this only received a scowl from the smol and angy mare on the floor.

“Izzy, what the fu-…Udge is your problem?!” Pipp almost swore, only catching herself to preserve Izzy’s innocence. “Now my coat is, like, all stained with coffee! Oh, my hoofness, this could take forever to get out! Yuck!”

“I’m sorry, Pipp! I thought everypony loved a little jolt in the morning to get their blood flowing for the day. Please don’t be mad, Pipp. I’m sure I can find a brew or make a machine or something that can help.”

“Ugh… don’t worry, Iz. Just… don’t hit us with a loaf of bread full force next time, okay?”

“Okay.” Izzy’s voice trailed off as her ears flattened against her head. She telekinetically retrieved another mug from the cabinet and filled it with coffee before setting it down on the island before Pipp. She then magically retrieved a mop, broom, and dustpan from her closet beneath the ramps and began cleaning the mess from where she stood.

Noticing the guilty look on Izzy’s face, Pipp followed up with, “Thanks, Izzy. And hey, don’t worry about it. Actually, I think you definitely woke me up more than any cup of coffee would.” The two shared a light-hearted chuckle as Izzy continued cleaning.

“Oh, Pipper, that reminds me! I recorded the whole thing!” Izzy used her magic to stop recording with her phone from the bird’s eye view and brought it down to Pipp’s level.

“For real?! Nicely done, Iz! I know that video will get, like, hundreds of thousands of hoof taps! I’ll make an influencer of you yet, my friend.”

The two mares continued to converse about social media as Pipp grabbed a butter knife and nonchalantly spread peanut butter on two slices of bread. One for her, one for Izzy. But doing so in such a casual manner, she didn’t pay attention to detail. This resulted in two slices of bread with major bald spots around the perimeter. Then, as per morning tradition, Pipp took a selfie of herself and Izzy holding their breakfast for social media.

On the streets of the town, Sprout was no longer attacking ponies as a dictator, but was now attacking an abundance of litter. Wearing a bright yellow hardhat and a trash bag tied to his bandolier (where his badge once was), Sprout used a trash picker and stabbed each piece of litter and slid it into his bag.

He was nearing the sheriff’s station when he decided to sit down for what might’ve been his final break. After a little over a couple months of back-breaking community service, just about every alley and street was clear of litter and graffiti. All that was left was Mane Street, from the precinct all the way up to Canterlogic H.Q. And Sprout was sure that once he finished his service quota at the front doors of the Canterlogic facility, his mommy would proudly greet him with a forgiveness party! He donned a toothy grin and a sparkle in his eye at his wet daydream.

His fantasy was put to a halt, however, when his phone began vibrating in one of his bandolier’s pockets. Withdrawing and powering the pegasus contraption on, Sprout was greeted with several Ponygram messages from the one and only Pipp Petals.

>wazzup homie
>da whole gang finna b at da brighthouse tn
>I wanna do a gaming stream at around 6 its gonna be so #poggers my g pull up
>o btw bring sum of ur fav games and console or whatevs k ttyl bai

“What the hay am I reading?!” Sprout cried aghast, he felt like he was about to have a stroke from trying to understand pegasus slang. With the earth ponies still being new to touchscreen pegasus phones, it took Sprout about one minute to type a reply to the princess who apparently never passed elementary school.

I’m sorry, Pipp. Basic Ponish, please? I cannot understand the meaning behind your message. Sincerely, Sprout. >

>>:( oof bruh L bozo

Sprout face hoofed so hard that his hardhat and even his bushy eyebrows threatened to jump off. His phone buzzed once again.

>Hey Sprout. It’s Zipp here. I don’t blame you; I also struggle to understand just what these younger ponies are thinking when they try to text. Anyways, she’s trying to say that you’re invited to the Crystal BrightHouse tonight at 6:00 p.m. We’re going to be playing video games for her online fans all night, so you may also bring any video games and gaming devices that you want to show off. Hope to see you soon, dude. You’ve been doing well with assimilating with the other races.

Hello Zipp, sure, I can come. Thanks, Zipp. Sincerely, Sprout.>

It was still only 2:17 p.m., so Sprout still had plenty of time to finish clearing the city of the tyrannical litter, time to attend his mommy’s forgiveness party, stop at home, and head over to the BrightHouse. He bore a sentimental smirk, since he actually enjoyed the company of his newfound friends. That smirk faded when he missed the return arrow and touched Pipp’s profile picture instead.

“What the... EW!” Sprout cried out in terror. He saw the pink pegasus holding a slice of white bread, with a big smear of peanut butter in the middle, and absolutely no peanut butter within a two-inch border on the bread. “She’s gotta be braindead!” Accused Sprout. But his anguish soon turned to worry as the worst-case scenario played in his mind. ‘But Zipp and Pipp were raised in the same home. So, if she spreads peanut butter like that, then Zipp must… oh no. Wait, come to think of it, I’ve never seen Sunny nor Hitch spread ANYTHING on bread! Oh no! And Izzy is… well… she’s just Izzy. OH NO!’ To ease his panic, he worriedly began picking trash again.

By 4:20, he reached the Canterlogic doors. Sure, Sprout would have been disappointed that his mommy didn’t throw him a party after all. But he was still thinking about his friends and how they might spread condiments on bread. More importantly, he then pondered if they make sandwiches just as bad. And worse, do they feed that to other ponies? ‘What if Hitch feeds that to Sparky?’ That was the last straw. Sprout’s eyes lost all sparkle, his eyebrows narrowed, his apple-red coat had briefly dimmed to a crimson, and his sweat evaporated as he felt determination creeping up his back. He had to stop such madness.

6:00 p.m.

Pipp greeted her Pipp-Squeaks with a bubbly ear-to-ear smile. “What is up, my Pipp-Squeaks?! Welcome to tonight’s mega-gaming stream! Tonight, we will be joined by: Zipp, Sunny, Izzy, Hitch, and Sprout! …Um, the last two will be here any minute now. Anyways, we’re going to be playing a variety of video games requested by my Ponetreons. There is going to be Amogus, Red Horse Redemption, Fall Colts, Pony Pony Literature, and a lot more! And courtesy of our earth pony friends…”

“We’re also playing some classic earth pony video games as well! Pacmare, Super Mareio Brothers, Sanik.exe, you name it!” Sunny chimed in on cue.

The donations and excited comments went wild for a short second. Then, as all the chaos began to slow down, several questioning comments came into view.

Pipperoniandcheese: Wait… did she just say Sprout?
R3469420: bruh thas racist
Dahlia9: Sprout? As in the Sprout Cloverleaf?
THunderstrucK!69: Sprite Cranberry?
bingbongf*ckyalife: why wood u hab him ere
…

Sunny stepped up to defend Pipp and her childhood friend. “Hey! Don’t worry, he’s not like that anymore. And believe me when I say that we’ve been helping Sprout to see past his prejudice against the other races. And he’s been working day and night to make it up to everypony.”

“Yeah! With a touch of magic, such as the magic of friendship, we can fix anything! Or in this case, anyone.” Izzy cheered, after which she and Sunny exchanged appreciative grins.

“Sheriff Hitch has me monitoring his behavior from afar as he carries out his community service. He’s actually been really chill around the other races.” Explained Zipp.

Pipp empathetically added, “And take it from me and Zipp. Everypony deserves a second chance to redeem themselves. And sometimes, despite doing things they’re not proud of, they have everypony’s best interests at heart.”

Everything was beginning to settle down, up until Sprout barged into the living quarters. The startled mares all yelped and spun around to see him standing there, menacingly. After a few seconds of intense breathing, Sprout shouted between huffs and puffs, “GIRLS... get in the kitchen... right now!... And make me a sandwich!”

A few seconds of awkward silence went by as the chat went wild, and the words from Sprout’s tongue resonated in the mares’ pinned back ears.

>ligmamalegrindrset_official: Hell yeah brother! U put those mares in their place

S(niper)IM(onke)P777 [Moderator]: @ligmamalegrindrset_official you have violated one of the rules of Pipp Petals’ stream. If you violate any more, you WILL be banned. Consider this your one warning.
WAP: sexist
R3469420: bruh now he sexist
Dahlia9: Oh, great. Now he has turned to sexism. I told Hitch that community service wasn’t enough!
bingbongf*ckyalife: noo he hurt my precious gurls ☹
Pippi_Le_forg69: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
random_generatedn@me7: SEXIST!!! >:(
…

Zipp glared daggers into Sprout’s soul. “Dude, really?”

“What?” Asked Sprout, innocent as could be.

Sunny’s disappointment was immeasurable, and her day was ruined. “WOW. REALLY, SPROUT?! It was such an uphill battle to convince you and Hitch that the other pony tribes were our friends. And now that you were proven wrong, you’re resulting to sexism?! I’m disappointed in you, Sprout.”

“Wait, what?! Sunny, no! That’s not-” Sprout tried to clear his name before Pipp ignorantly cut him off.

“We were just talking about second chances, Sprout. We believed in you! You were doing so good, and you just threw it away!”

Sprout and the three mares began clamoring over each other’s voices, forming a deafening cacophony of confused stallion pleas and triggered mare squawking.

“Sexist!”

“You bigot!”

“Can’t believe you!”

“No, girls, I’m not sexist! I swear!”

“Make your sandwiches yourself!”

“You colts think you’re better than everypony!”

“My life, my choice!”

“Stop!”

“How dare-”

“HECKING NORMIES!!!
GET OFF MY STREAM!!!
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

The yapping was cut off by Izzy screeching like a jackass.

Silence fell upon the room again as Sprout and the three mares, who were once arguing, held their figuratively bleeding ears.

An appalled Pipp Petals confronted her. “Okay, Izzy? That was, like, right in my fucking ear. Um, what in Equestria did you do THAT for?”

“Hmph, I dunno, I just wanted to fit in I guess, so I just did what everypony else was doing.”

As Sunny and the pegasisters began reflecting on the absurdity of the moment, Sprout took the opportunity to clarify his intentions. “Ugh, look. I wasn’t trying to be sexist. Okay? If Hitch was here too, I guess I wouldn’t have said it like that. But I just have something really important I need to show you, because I think you ponies are all seriously doing something wrong. Just come with me.”

All four mares exchanged confused glances before Pipp asked, “What about the stream?”

“Bring them.”

Before long, the ponies were gathered in the kitchen around the island. The mares stood on one side with their backs facing the living room. Sprout stood alone, opposite of them. The island was strewn with a plethora of components for… sandwiches? Several loaves of sliced white sandwich bread and almost any sandwich filling one can imagine. A large cutting board and kitchen knife sat before Sprout. Pipp had managed to set up her streaming camera on a tripod beside the four mares, positioned to overlook the kitchen island and Sprout at an angle; her phone stood on its pop socket to display the livestream’s chat.

The BrightHouse doors flung open and closed again with a loud bang as a confused Hitch Trailblazer approached the five ponies.

“Hey ponies! I managed to find a babysitter for Sparky. Um, what’s going on here?”

“Apparently, Sprout has something important he needs to show us and the stream, for some reason.” Pipp explained.

“Uh… huh… Sprout, this better not be some more propaganda or something.”

Sprout began his lesson. “It’s not. I have summoned you all to the kitchen for this lesson because I’ve seen something terrible online. I want all of you, and everypony watching, to check Ponyham-“

“Ponygram!”

“Whatever. I want you to click on Pipp’s profile thingy that shows the pictures.”

“My story?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

After looking at the selfie of Pipp and her toast, the Mane Five gazed at Sprout as the chat bubbled with a similar amout of confusion. “What about it?” Asked Zipp.

Sprout was bewildered. “I’m sorry. But you mean to tell me, that even with all your intelligence and detective skills, you still don’t see a problem with this picture?”

“Nope.”

*Sigh. * “…Everypony, wash your hooves. After that, Pipp, please come behind the counter. I want you to make this same exact toast as if it were any other morning.”

The ponies quickly followed Sprout’s instructions, and soon enough, Pipp was at his side. She used a butter knife to smear a smudge of peanut butter on untoasted bread. With three careless glides of the knife, she had a replica of that morning’s toast (with a few holes, however). Sprout let out a simple “Hmph,” as Pipp laid the toast before him upon the cutting board. He grabbed the kitchen knife and divided the bread into six even squares. “Everypony to take a piece. But make sure you bite the crust side before you bite the center.”

Each pony ate their piece within thirty seconds and waited for Sprout to continue. “So, did you notice a difference between the first and second bites?”

After some shared glances, Sunny finally stepped up. “I guess the first bite was a bit dry compared to the second.”

“Mine wasn’t too bad,” Zipp added.

Sprout continued in an odd scholarly tone, a side of him that not even Sunny or Hitch had ever experienced. “Very good, you two. See, the problem here is that the bread was inconsistent. Some bites were good, but others were uncovered and completely dry. The holes are also a sure way to get your hooves all messy. All around, this makes for a snack that constantly crosses the line between satisfaction and disappointment. Thank you, Pipp. Now, Zipp, make me something to your standards.”

Pipp retreated with a pout that only grew as she saw the livestream chat teasing her. Zipp passed her by with a playful bump, “Don’t worry sis. I’ll show him,” she reassured her before executing a theatrical wing-assisted somersault over the island. However, as Zipp touched down beside Sprout, it quickly dawned on her that she hadn’t made a sandwich in forever. Physical training, research, and exploring were all factors that prevented Zipp from getting much culinary experience before magic returned. Even after moving to the Bay, she always ate fast-food or Sunny’s food. She always had to stop by McWing’s for a quick bite before returning to her activities. Wait. McWing’s? ‘Of course!’ Zipp thought. Just make it how McWing’s makes it!’

With this plan in mind, Zipp trotted towards the stove with two bread slices and a hayburger in tow. She began toasting the bread on the pan that Sprout had brought just until it began to brown. Removing the bread, she added the patty into the pan before returning the bread to the island. While back at the cutting board, she began dicing onions. All was going well until the aroma of burnt hay began to fill the kitchen. “Shit.” Hissed Zipp as she rushed to the stove. A prompt attempt to flip without a spatula proved futile, as it stuck to the pan without budging. Even after retrieving a spatula from a nearby drawer, she had to ferociously chisel between the pan and patty to finally flip. But she wished she hadn’t, for the mangled patty staring back at her was blacker than the abyss of Tartarus.

Smugly recalling her cockiness earlier, Sprout couldn’t resist dropping his serious tone from earlier in favor of teasing her. “For all that cockiness you showed earlier, you seem to be hmmm -pale- in the face, Zipp. What’s the matter?” Nopony else chuckled at his lame pun.

“Sh-… shut up.”

After watching sweatily for a minute, Zipp brought the pan over to the island. Again, the patty did not slide onto the bun voluntarily, so she separated it using the knife she used for the onions, earning a yelp of terror from Sprout.

“My pan! My edge!” Sprout shrieked in terror as the nonstick coating was scratched away, and his knife was dulled.

“Can it! I’m trying my best!” Zipp retorted.

“No!”

The patty was now in shambles, and the bottom of the pan was shrouded in char. The sad sandwich was concluded with a slice of Equestrian cheese, two slices of pickles, a hoofful of diced onions, a heaping squirt of ketchup, and the top bread with a thin spread of mustard.

Everypony stood there staring at the thing, eyes beginning to water at the sour smell of burnt hay. With a devastated sigh, Sprout sliced the sandwich into six and split it among the ponies.

Suppressing a gag, Pipp tearily attempted to comfort her sister. “It’s *gmhg*… delicious, sis!”

“Yeah! Tastes as good as it smells!” Bleated Izzy.

*Reaugh*.

“That’s just uncalled for, Hitch.” Reprimanded Sunny.

Glaring at her mistake, Zipp finally shut her eyes and face hoofed. A few strands of her mane fell into her face, which was turning red, like a glowing alarm that warns ponies of impending danger.

With his mood further soured after the wretched taste of the burger and the sight of his knife scraping his non-stick pan, Sprout offered his distressed critique. “Welp… we all see how that turned out. I just... how in Tartarus did you get the food stuck on a NON-STICK PAN like that?! *Sigh. * At least the toppings sort of cover up the patty. Also, I couldn’t help but notice something. Zipp. I saw you put pickles in the sandwich, but I didn’t taste them. Where are my pickles, Zipp?”

Zipp’s anguish finally boiled over after sensing the venomous attitude radiating off her “teacher.”

“You better watch that attitude, or else you won’t be worrying about the pan when I’m cutting your tiny dick off next!”

“Hey! My dick isn’t small! It’s just that, yours is, um, too big!”

“EXCUSE ME?!”

“Okayokayokay! Calm down ponies!” Pleaded Sunny as she squeezed between them. “Zipp, he can be abrasive, but he means well. He’s just upset about his cookware, because it probably wasn’t cheap. A rule of fetlock is to not scrape steel, especially knives, on non-stick pans. And Sprout, maybe try to be gentler when teaching? We’re all learning here, after all. Would it make you feel better if Zipp washed it for you?”

The two ponies agreed and grunted apologies as Zipp took the pan to the sink, eyes averted from the chat. Her averted gaze didn’t help, however, as a robotic voice read, “<S0nz0fl1b3rt1> donated $0.01!: Typical. The royal family royally fucked up.” The sisters growled.

Sprout nodded to Sunny and gave her some space before she got to work on a good old-fashioned tomato sandwich. She rinsed a tomato and some lettuce prior to slicing. She sliced her tomatoes into about one-centimeter portions. Two slices of bread each got a generous spread of mayonnaise. She then applied a fair layer of pickles, a couple leaves of lettuce, two overlapping tomato slices, a slice of Swiss cheese, and capped it with the top bread.

“Wow, not bad, Sunny.” Wooed Sprout as he served each pony. Sunny watched her friends with an utmost feeling of pride as they joyously munched on her sandwich with scattered sounds of enjoyment.

*HEACHK*

Her pride was short lived. Everypony shot their attention to Sprout who was choking and gasping for air.

“Sprout?”

“What’s he doing?”

“What’s wrong?’

“Oh, quit overexaggerating!”

“Guys, I think-“

“Sprout! She said no more teasing!”

“Seriously dude-“

“He’s choking!”

“Should we do something?”

“Quit it!”

“This is getting serious.”

*URRR REAH*

...

“Okay, maybe he’s not joking!”

The mane five began to panic and shout over each other, all except for Hitch. He just calmly trotted up behind Sprout, wrapped his forelegs around Sprout’s barrel, and pumped in and up.

*ACK*

The tomato stem flew out of Sprout’s mouth. “*GASP* OH DADDY!” he moaned in temporary bliss.
The stallions gazed at each other as they blushed profusely. The room fell dead silent, save for Sprout’s desperate breathing.

After bashfully regaining his breath, Sprout angrily shot as Sunny, “No wonder your dad died!”

“*HEUGH* what?!”

“I was joking, Sunny. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said that. But anyway, oh, my hoofness! I almost fucking died! Who in their right mind leaves the tomato stem on? That’s about as the same as leaving the peels in your Oopsie-Doopsie Banana Smoothie!”

It was Sunny’s turn to blush as the rest of her friends knowingly snickered.

Regaining his composure, Sprout sighed and looked to Zipp. “Zipp, show your forehooves to the camera please.”

Zipp did so reluctantly, fearing that her hooves were going to end up on certain internet websites.

Sprout continued to teach, “Notice how her legs now have a line of pink? This is because of the structure, the moisture of the vegetables, and the sauces. The juice and water from the veggies ran through the mayonnaise and all over your legs. The result is a messy meal in which the feeling takes away from an otherwise tasty sandwich. On the bright side, tasty sandwich (even if I almost died, but hey)! With that said, you’re next, Izzy.”

The ball of joy bounced to Sprout’s side, ecstatic to display her creativity in design as well as flavor.
In a dramatically regal fashion, Izzy proclaimed “Get ready, everyponyyyy! I am about to give life to the bestest thing to ever grace your palettes!”

Tossing a hoofful of salt over her left shoulder, some of which were flung into Sprout’s unsuspecting eyes, she quickly got to work.

“Gah! My eyes! Why?!” As Sprout groaned in anguish (much to the others' amusement, except for an ignorant Izzy), Izzy empty-headedly tossed two slices of bread into the air before masterfully flourishing the kitchen knife in their downward path. Both slices plummeted through the purple and steel blur to the cutting board below, both somehow being identical asymmetrical shapes. With this, Izzy began to narrate her procedure.

“A healthy smear of peanut butter!!! And now the crunchy pretzel sticks. But first, we require their blessings. It’s jinxie not to get the pretzels’ blessings! *Ahem. * Grüße, Herr Prezel. Darf ich dich bitte in meinem Sandwich verwenden?”

Much to everypony’s horror (except Izzy, of course), the pretzels responded, “₩ⱧɎ ɎɆ₴₴₴ ɎØɄ ₥₳Ɏ, Đ₳Ʉ₲Ⱨ₮ɆⱤ Ø₣ MØØ₦฿Ø₩.”

“Danke, Herr Prezel!” She loaded the peanut butter with sentient pretzel sticks. “Now, marshmallow fluff, thinly sliced kosher pickles...”

Sprout pondered the sorcery he was witnessing as he watched through watering eyes. ‘Well, after that near-death experience and Zipp’s abomination, I’m sure this can’t be too--’

“,and, GLITTER!!!”

“A̸̱͔̥̯͐̾̅̃̋̐̏̈́̀͠A̸̛̹̅̌̽̚H̶̜̞̣̙͍̽͌̔ͅH̸͉͙̱̆́̄̽̇̍͠H̸͇͈͕̬͈͎̙̀̉̽̔̍H̷͕͛̅̾̅̈́͘H̶̨̘͇̥͖͕̘̲̳̣̏̓́H̴̢̬͇̱̠͕͚͉͑̐̇͛͘͜͠ͅ ̴̳̺̖̲̽̄͒͜R̴̡̛̟̆̄́̕͘Ą̶̧̹̼͕̟̻̬̗͍̊̉̿̑̅̾̋̾̇Ḧ̶͔̤́̈́̓̾̽̓̈́́̕͝H̶̨̯̑̏̆͗H̶͙̩̀̽̔̐̓̄H̸͓̲̓̔̏̆̚H̸̘͇̗̞́H̷̡̥̼̘͒͒͜H̷̰̗̳̒H̸̛̤̗͓̙̃̊̆͌ͅH̵̰̤̭͙̎̋̒Ḩ̵̰͎̻̘͖̹̲͙̐̿Ȟ̶͎͕̝̹͛͝͝͠H̴̢͕̳̝̺͔͇̒́̌̐͐͜͠H̶̗͖̟͇̘͚̮͂̓ Ẅ̸̨̼̻̱̘̞̹́̋̂̈̚͜H̸͙̭̼̰̞̰́̍͐̃̂̐̈́̋̌Y̶͈͌̀͒͌̒̈́͂́̒̚D̸̘͇͇̠̮̂Ẽ̸͓̼F̶̡̺͍̗͍̞̖͙͎̈͘Ǘ̵̖̳̈́͐̃̉̊̀͝C̷̼͗K̵̤̪̽͒̐W̷̙̬̰̱̝͑O̴̼͋͛͐̎̕̚Ǔ̷̻̦͓̾Ḽ̴̠̇̊̌̎̇͑͊̈́͒͜D̵̟̤̈́̊̓̏Y̶̙̥̳̩͕̪̰̻̊̄͗͂͂͒̅̆̔̚Ü̷̢̹͙͙͔̟̘̉̄̌̆͑̀--!!!”

“Sprout, calm down! The glitter is edible!” Sunny screamed to halt his biblically accurate cries of existential agony, as the others’ timbers shivered.

“Oh, okay. Eh, you’re fine Izzy, carry on.” Sprout defused, as his white glowing eyes returned to their normal green and he stopped levitating.

Without hesitation, Izzy carried on as if that didn’t just happen. “You Betcha! More peanut butter on the second slice, and basic assembly is officially done! But there’s still work to do.”

Izzy telekinetically opened a wide assortment of jams to spread on top of the sandwich. Grape, lilikoi, blueberry, orange marmalade, strawberry, and raspberry. She then finished with miniscule shavings of blue raspberry taffy, and of course, a pinch of edible glitter, before unleashing her signature catchphrase, “TA-DAAAA!” The final product was a small but glistening, almost lively portrait of Sunny Starscout, with a heart as the background.

With a gasp, Sunny bashfully squeaked, “D’aww, Izzy! That’s so sweet!” In an instant, Izzy and Sunny were nuzzling and giggling into each other with a glowing blush.

“Of course it is, Sunny, because it’s you!”

Everypony else couldn’t help but smile and coo “D’aww,” and chat repeatedly clipped that moment into oblivion.

“Omg, chat, I literally can't... I finna melt! W-RIZZ! Chat, clip that please!” Pipp bawled, before snapping a quick picture and being held by her elder sister.

After the hype and admiration had died down, Sprout reluctantly divided the artsy sandwich with Izzy’s consent. And after a few minutes of baffled chewing, confused *mmm*s, and the occasional edible glitter-induced cough, Sprout finally spoke up.

“Wow, that... has no right to be so good. It shouldn’t work in any circumstance, but it does! Izzy, how did you come up with this?”

“With my brain! Oh, and my hooves.”

“But, I mean, what inspired you?”

“I dunno, one day, I stumbled into the Crystal Tearoom. Alphabittle offered me a secret tea, and some interesting doo-dads he called... drumroll, please...” Izzy did a drumroll on the counter before shouting and echoing, “‘EDIBLES! Edibles. edibles. edibles.’ I dunno, that stuff just sort of brought out some kind of instinct in me, and within minutes, bam! Brand-new treat to call my own.”

“Impressive! Maybe I should get in on this ‘edible’ stuff.”

Hitch interjected, “Sprout, that’s illegal here.”

Sprout’s ears flattened against his head at the disappointing truth. “But why?! Ugh, whatever, maybe I’ll just go to Bridlewood with Izzy someday. Anyway, Hitch, why don’t you show us what legal treats look like.”

With a twinkling smile, unwavering confidence, and his iconic hair flip, Hitch trotted to the cutting board. “Prepare to be amazed, citizens. For I am going to show you the best grilled cheese to ever exist! A sandwich worthy of only the most respectable and diligent law officers and upstanding citizens of the nation! Brace yourselves.”

The sheriff returned the pan to the stove and tossed in a knob of butter. Hitch turned the stove on high-heat and returned to the cutting board. There, he assembled the sandwich. Bread, one slice of parmesan cheese, and... one more slice of bread. Smoke danced from the scorching pan as Hitch stepped closer with his overly simple sandwich. He dropped the three-piece onto the burning butter. He thankfully flipped the cheese toastie soon after, before that side became anymore charred. Unfortunately, the other side was destined to meet the same fate. Within seconds, he was back at the cutting board with his lump of cheese and charcoal.

Overzealously, the bold stallion declared with a hair flip, “And that, my ponies, is how it’s done.”

Sprout decided to bite his tongue until he sliced the “best grilled cheese.” On each side, he drew the kitchen knife through the bread fossil, but not the cheese. He was expecting at least a little gooeyness from the cheese toastie until... the bread fossils unceremoniously pulled away from a cold slice of parmesan cheese.

Hitch’s toothy grin cartoonishly shifted into a toothy frown as his ears flattened against his head. With everypony now being desensitized to the absolute absurdity and sorcery that had befallen that very kitchen within the last hour or so, as well as the strangely pleasant taste of Izzy’s munchie concoction improving everypony’s mood, an uproar of laughter arose from everypony, even Hitch, at the epic failure. In fairness, they still sampled the sandwich (which tasted as bad as it looked).

“Hitch, if *snort* you call this w--war crime legal, then you might as well legalize edible-hul-hulsss!” Cackled Sprout.

“Oh pshh, you’re one to talk about war crimes! And Sparky likes it-” An embarrassed Hitch tried to defend his fragile dignity, only to be interrupted by a wheezing Sunny.

“๒гยђ-ђคєยђ-ђคєยђ, dragons literally evolved to eat gemstones! No wonder Sparky likes it! *Inconceivable whinnying. *”

Zipp saw fit to add with a wavering voice, “I’m sure I speak for both me and Sprout when I say that we’ve both worked in law enforcement, so we definitely back the blue, but... *snerk* ...I ain’t backin’ that shit, sheriff!”

Sprout and Zipp tearfully wheezed at her joke as they high-hoofed.

“Okay, okay, I get it. I was never very good at cooking.” Hitch sarcastically responded with an eye roll. “But Sprout, isn’t it your turn to show us how you make yours?”

Wiping tears from their eyes, Zipp and Sunny were quick to apologize to and comfort Hitch. As the room calmed down, Sprout prepared the pan and cutting board to show them the proper way to make a home sandwich.

Sprout narrated his procedure and threw in tips as he went. “Okay guys, I’m going to make a simple hay-bacon strip melt. So first, we want to toast the inside of our bread. This will give a better flavor, but most importantly, keep the bread from getting soggy. Make sure that you choose the broader side of the slice for the inside, just so we may be able to house a little more extra goods in there. Spread an even amount of mayonnaise from edge to edge, but not too much; I find that full coverage gives a more even toast, and the reason I’m using mayonnaise is because I find it easier to manage than butter. It’s also a lot cleaner. If you wanted to add any spices or seasonings, now would be a decent time before toasting...

So now that we have toasted both slices of bread on the inside to a nice golden brown, it’s time to assemble. Now, we need a good structure. Sunny, you had a tasty sandwich, but the way it was assembled made the sandwich quickly fall apart. So, to do this, we need to sort of glue our components in, as well as stack them carefully. So, on one slice, I’ll put a hearty slathering of mayonnaise and mustard from edge to edge, to avoid dry bald spots like the one we encountered on Pipp’s toast. And I’ll do the same for the other slice, but with mashed avocado...

Now I’m preparing some thinly sliced onions, sliced pickles, thinly sliced tomatoes, and the leaves of lettuce. It should go without saying, but make sure you wash the fresh veggies in case they have pesticides. And before I put those last three in, I’m going to pat them dry to get rid of excess liquid. This way, the juices can’t run through the sauce and all over our hooves as it did with Sunny’s...

Now the way I’ll do this is that I’ll press the thin-sliced onions and small slices of pickle in sort of an alternating pattern into the mayo-mustard spread, but close enough to where any reasonable pony will still get both flavors in each bite. Three slices of tomato, one of them split in half so we can fill every inch of this melt with a fair share of tomato. We want to taste each component in every bite, which is why I was so disappointed when I didn’t get pickles in Zipp’s sandwich while others did. Remember that fast food methods are for efficiency and getting the point across rather than full quality. And don’t forget to season your tomatoes with salt and pepper to draw out excess moisture and to enhance their flavor...

So, while I’ve got a few hay-bacon strips going in the pan, I’m going to shred my cheese. Remember, if you’re going to multi-task with the stove going, make sure the temperature is low enough, so it doesn’t burn while you’re focused on other things. And despite the low temperature, work fast and check in on the pan every so often, or else you may encounter the same issue as Zipp’s trial. I’m going with a three-cheese blend; mozzarella for a good stretchiness, Equestrian cheese for gooeyness, and some sharp cheddar for the main flavor. Avoid hard cheeses like parmesan, or else your cheese will fail to melt as Hitch’s unfortunately did. Note that if you’re going to be making grilled cheese, cheese toastie, or a melt, you’re more likely going for indulgence than a healthy meal. So don’t skimp on the cheese, either...

I’m going to put half of my cheese blend on the tomatoes, before the hay-bacon strips (which have been rid of excess grease, mind you), then I will add the second half of my cheese blend between the strips and the leaves of lettuce. Which will then be capped off with our avocado-glued slice of bread...

You can either use a new pan here or absorb the leftover grease with a paper towel on low heat if you’re lazy like me and hate cleaning. Evenly spread mayonnaise on one side of the sandwich and toast that side. Low and slow, we want to melt the cheese without burning the bread. Mistakes like Hitch’s are very common. To help with that, I like to squirt a little water around the sandwich and cover the pan. This allows steam to melt the cheese. Just avoid wetting the bread if you can, or else it won’t reach its full crispiness...

Checking the bottom, we can see a beautiful golden-brown. Mayonnaise your melt one final time. And this is the beauty of mayonnaise instead of butter. You can balance the sandwich on the back of your spatula, turn the pan upside down over it, and voila! The safest way to flip the sandwich, and mostly mess free (except for some crumbs.) And please remember, no metal utensils on the non-stick pan, you need to protect the non-stick coating. Now we’ll just toast this side, and we’re golden...”

Sprout slid his melt onto the cutting board and returned the pan. He scraped the top with a knife to omit a crispy sound that almost rang in the air. He then sliced it into sixes and ran a butter knife through both layers of cheese, before giving it a final gentle press. Finally, after a minute of resting, Sprout exclaimed with the exaggerated swagger of an ex-dictator, “Say
hello to the true best sandwich of your lives!”

With that, each pony in the room grabbed a piece and pulled, each piece stretching a velvety web of cheese that seemed to go forever before snapping. Wrapping the cheese around their sandwiches, each pony took a bite before simultaneously unleashing a pleased *MMM!!!*

Sprout decided to demonstrate with the remainder of his piece while the others savagely gobbled theirs down. “You see, the only mess here is the grease left on your hooves. No juices running into your fetlocks. And say we were to hold this sandwich at an angle, it would not fall apart before we could react.” To prove his point, he awkwardly held it by the bottom slice of bread and began tipping it, almost ninety degrees over before the top half began to slowly slide off. Up-righting it before it fell apart, Sprout pridefully finished his piece in one bite before being lifted into the air and praised by his peers.

“I’ll never make a sandwich the same again! I can finally sell sandwiches at my smoothie cart without flopping! Let’s make a business deal!” Cheered Sunny.

“I think I’m going to start making my own sandwiches now!” Zipp hooted.

“Sparky might start taking me seriously if I make him this!” Hitch realized.

“Hehe, I think you ponies are overexaggerating a bit.” Sprout said humbly, perhaps for the first time in his life.

The chat still had some concerns, however.

xX#1VRoYaleWinNerXx: dawg that shit look mid af
bingbongf*ckyalife: the forbidden white stuff?! bingbongbingbongbingbongbingbong
random_generatedn@me7: BING BONG!
random_generatedn@me45: bong bong
AlphaMale: Bing bong! Also, buy my edibles and infused tea at the Crystal Tearoom on Mane-trail, Bridlewood, zip code: 89236.
random_generatedn@me3: Bing Bong
totallynotablue/whitePipprecolorofficial: eww but mayo is like soooo not poggers
Dahlia9: What if we don’t always want our sandwich that way? Such as not wanting so much cheese, or wanting the sandwich cold? Also, sorry for hating earlier, Sprout.
...

Izzy was first to respond, “Come on chat, there’s no need to lose your horns! The mayo totally makes this sammy a true work of art!”

Pipp swooned to her fans, too. “You don’t understand, Pippsqueaks, these sandwich life-hacks are totes bussin bussin on goddess on goddess! Respectfully! The bread and bacon are sooooo crispy and perfectly salty, and it all mellows out perfectly with that melty and creamy cheese that just soothingly coats your mouth. And all that decadence is evened out with the refreshing and acidic veggies, just leaving your tastebuds ready for more and leaving you all warm and fuzzy inside. Oh-ho-ho, Zoowiemama!!! You ponies are missing out, I swear! ...And I never say ‘zoowiemama.’”

Finally, Sprout was ready to finish his lesson with Dahlia’s question. “Hey Dahlia, no worries. And to answer your question, that’s perfectly fine. No matter your tastes or intentions, you should still follow as many of these tips as possible. Say you want no cheese and/or a cold sandwich; you’ll still want to stack your fillings in a stable order, avoid excessive moisture, and use condiments as glue. Also, I find cheese tastes better at room temperature or melted rather than cold.”

After cleaning the disheveled kitchen, the six ponies stood together before the fridge.

“I am pooped, is there anything to drink?” Sprout requested, getting hums of agreement from everypony else.

Sunny proudly strutted towards the fridge. “I thought you’d never ask! I stocked a whole shelf with smoothies for tonight's gaming stream!”

“Ugh, Sunny, you are the best!!!” Pipp cried as Sunny hoofed everypony their favorite flavors.

“Is that an Oopsie-Doopsie Banana Smoothie for me!? You’re a lifesaver, Sunny!” Cheered Sprout before guzzling down the rewarding smoothie with haste.

Sunny chuckled, looked at her dear friends, and said, “No problem, ponies! No problem, at a-”

*HEACHK*

Author's Note

If you don't understand the ending, reference MLP: TYT, "My Bananas," 4:45, and look at what Sunny does. I mean, who does that, amirite?

I dunno, I guess the show triggered me to make an entire fic tackling my sandwich-related pet-peeves.

Tagged "Alt Universe" because Sprout is still not friends with the Mane 5, and this story was being written before Misty joined the group.

On a sidenote, I am very honored if you've made it this far! This is my very first fanfic ever! And my first story in general that I've written outside of an educational environment. Any feedback on character portrayal, grammar, humor, or anything else is greatly appreciated. I wanted to tag this as comedy, but after reading some guides and doubting my humor, I felt it was safer to tag as random. Let me know if you think this is worthy of a "Comedy" tag.

Again, thanks for reading!

P.S. I've never tried that butter knife trick that Sprout tries near the end. So if you have some cheese-pull tips, I'd love to know!