Crumbling Crackers

by PonIver

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rarity, Romance
Length: 4513

Discord is granted release on the condition he give a certain pony a proper lesson in chaos...

S'mores. Undeniably delicious. Marshmallow and chocolate coming together in perfect harmony.
Unless the chocolate is chaos, sealed away by said marshmallow...
Discord has been granted release, but only on the condition he train a certain fashionista causing trouble across Equestria.
Will he succeed, or will she instead have something to teach him?

Published 2012-10-03 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-21 19:33:05 UTC

September - The Proposal

For Hannah, Forever Ago

***

With solemn eyes, Celestia stared down the statue before her, questioning whether the course of action she was about to take was wise. A cold breeze blew between her hooves, shaking down the first few leaves on the foliage walls of the Canterlot Gardens, announcing the arrival of autumn. She held her breath and stilled her heart in fear of what she felt unprepared to do. This is madness. Is there truly no other way?

This is chaos…

Truly, it was. The chilled and chiseled stone centerpiece of the garden held the form of the lord of chaos and disharmony, forever held in his expression of shock and awe at the hooves of his defeat. He stood, an amalgamation of countless Equestrian creatures gathered into a soul that desired only the deconstruction of everything Celestia ruled to uphold.

And yet, there she stood, her hooves shaking, preparing to release him.

I can’t do this. But someone must teach her…

With a faint light from the tip of her elongated horn, Celestia placed her head to the ground, drawing a large circle about the base of the statue. Once the two ends of the line connected, a glowing ring rose from the soil, passing its way over the statue and leaving a transparent glittering cylinder around the stone prison.

Wrapped in the aura of her magic, a small chest levitated before Celestia. She removed its contents: two bracelets engraved with jewels and symbols reminiscent of those adorning the Elements of Harmony deep within the castle walls. The bracelets affixed themselves to the wrists of the bipedal statue’s forehooves, fitting themselves with a click and a spark, becoming shackles.

Breathing a heavy sigh, the princess readied herself and transferred the inert power of her being into the statue. A spark shot from the top of the statue, glittering as it grew and moved down past the mismatched horns atop the dracoequus’ head. Color began to reveal itself as the magic coursed through the face and down the rest of his sinuous body.

As life and time returned to Discord, he stretched his maw and yawned at the prospect of unexpectedly waking up. His oblique fang glistened in the daylight, an accent to evil that lay beneath the mask of silliness he consistently presented himself with. His eyelids fell heavy over sore and yellowed corneas as they adjusted to freedom. As his world came to focus around him, he gazed onto the unmistakable golden hooves standing in pride and fear before him. His look moved upward to meet with the Princess’ still and sturdy stare.

“…”

“…” she replied in kind.

“Put me back.”

“Now that’s a fine way to greet me,” the princess replied with a soft sarcasm breaking through her regal shroud.

“I have no interest in playing games with you, my dear. Return me to my solitude at once.”

“Don’t patronize me, Discord. You enjoy nothing more than games and riddles.”

The dracoequus scoffed at the princess’ snide remarks. “Only when I have interesting playthings to toy with.” He raised a claw pointed in her direction, “And you, sweet princess, bore me with your—” his voice stopped suddenly as he saw the razor sharp claws in his lion’s paw still encased in stone. “Really? This is how you’re going to treat me after all these years?”

Celestia smirked gently in an attempt to hide her fear behind a façade of confidence. “Perhaps it is I who wishes to play a game with you, child.”

“Oh, ha, ha, ha,” Discord sternly laughed with a heavy sarcasm in his tone. “You think you can play simply because you have a hoof-up on the competition? If you weren’t so afraid, you would have released me already, but as long as we’re here… Make your peace so I may return to the peace that has been forced upon me by thy royal highness.” He bowed forward, bumping his horns against the barrier wrapped around the base of the statue. “Ow. Oh, that’s plain unfair, princess.”

“Can you blame me for taking such precautions with a villain such as yourself?”

“Trust was never exactly one of the elements I was known for, nor was it one that contained me.”

Celestia circled about the statue, while the imprisoned spirit remained still, his head twisting about following her path. “I have… a proposal to discuss with you.”

Discord’s head remained still, and his body spun about, untwisting itself. He leaned against the invisible wall with his avian elbow and yawned. “Not interested. Goodnight.”

“I will decide when this conversation is over. You will hear me out, child.”

“Oh, do stop calling me such primitive names, princess. I am a spirit aged over the millennia, barely younger than yourself.”

“But you still act as a foal.”

“Two problems there, your highness. I am not one of your pony subjects. And perhaps I would have grown up had I not spent the majority of my life showcased in your garden like a piece of furniture.”

“We both know that not to be true. You had your chance. I taught you well. I raised you well. How you turned out was your own doing.”

“And you should know that it is the nature of any growing child to rebel against their parents’ beliefs. You find solace in order and harmony.” Discord hung his tongue out his jaw in disgust. “Just the mention of those words makes me gag. How can you be so boring?”

“I’m not asking you to change, Discord. I know it’s far too late for that.”

“Good, then can we call this conversation ended?”

“Hardly. In fact, your penchant for chaos and destruction is what I require.”

Discord glared at the princess, offended by her choice of words. “Destruction? I hardly wish that. As I said, you enjoy order, and I simply wish to… re-order that which you worked so hard to organize. Organized chaos, if you will.”

Celestia smiled, assured she would now have his full attention. “Exactly.”

Discord’s raised an eyebrow high, separating itself from the frame of his face and hovering high above his horns. “Okay… mother,” Discord rattled off with a deep sense of hatred for having to resort to the monarchy as the matriarchy. “How can I be of use to your enchanting kingdom?”

“I wish to grant you pardon for your crimes, if only you complete a small task on behalf of Equestria.”

“You realize the second you do so, I’m going to rename this place Discordia.”

“I’m prepared to face that possibility, yes.”

“Well then, fire away.” Discord leaned back against the barrier, his arms folded. “No task can be so simple if you are willing to pay such a heavy price.”

“There have been… incidents since you were sealed away.”

“Oh dear.” Discord covered chided Celestia as he covered his mouth with his stone covered appendages in over exaggerated shock and awe. “What a surprise. Come now, princess. Even I can tell you that order is too mundane to remain in place for long spans of time.”

“I’m not here to debate our opposing philosophies. We can do that plenty once you agree to this… treaty.”

“Out with it, then.”

“There is someone I wish for you to teach.”

“Teach? I’d hardly consider myself a professor in any subject of interest.”

“Philosophy. There is somepony who needs to learn the place for chaos in a world of order.”

“Oh, Celestia. Chaos can not be taught. It is inherent in every being around you. It’s just a matter of how you harness it.”

“Then you will show her how to harness it?”

“Her?” Discord’s other eyebrow rose into place where the other had previously risen. “I have no interest in your tiring little protégé. Miss Twibright, was it?”

“Not her, no.” Celestia chuckled a bit before continuing, “She has caused plenty of chaos already.”

“Then who might you be referring to, princess?”

“I speak of her friend. The dressmaker known as Rarity.”

Discord held his sides with laughter and wiped away a tear with his stone claw. “Oh yes, that one. She was mighty fun to prank. Did she ever tell you what I did to her?”

“I asked each of the elements for friendship reports on the incident of your escape, but some parts had been… redacted.”

“Such a prideful mare,” Discord chuckled. “Truly, it was her downfall. Tell me, what trouble has she been getting into? I could use a good laugh.”

“I’ll save that for her to share. So are we in agreement?”

“Oh, absolutely. More fun than contemplating an eternity in stone, or two eternities talking to you.”

“You flatter me, child.”

“You bore me, mother.”

Celestia held a hoof to her mouth and stifled to contain her laughter. “I’d ask if we should shake on it, but…” A few snickers made it through her smirk.

“Very funny. Perhaps I can give a few lessons in chaos when this is over as well?”

“You have nothing to teach me, Discord.”

“Quite the contrary, princess. You just need to get the cotton candy out of your ears and listen.”

“We can discuss that once you have proven yourself strong enough to complete this task. I will send for her to meet with you soon. In the meantime, as a symbol of… gratitude, I have cordoned off the gardens for you to roam. Obviously, I must ask that you continue to wear the bracelets to contain the majority of your chaos magic.”

“Ask?”

Celestia sighed. “You’ll find removal of them quite impossible, but with the limited powers you have available, do consider the gardens a playground of sorts… or a sandbox?” A kind smile crossed the princess’ lips. “You did always enjoy sandboxes.”

“Oh, gag! Are we going to break out the family album and take a trip down memory lane? No time like the present, my dear. Stop living in the past.”

“Indeed. Those were simpler times, and we certainly no longer live in simple times.”

“Simplicity is stale. Consider that a sample from my curriculum.” Discord strained to snap his fingers and manifest a mortarboard cap, but found his claws unresponsive. “Oh well. I was hoping to have a pop quiz.”

“Get your syllabus together, Discord. I warn you, she can be quite the difficult student.”

“I’ll break her as easily as I broke you oh so many years ago,” Discord snarled.

“Even with your magic contained?” Celestia let out a snarky grin.

“Just watch me.”

“Indeed I shall.”

Beyond the garden, the sun hung tired in the sky, and a voice called out to Celestia from the towers above the castle. “Sister! While I hate to break up the family reunion, must I always remind thou of thine duties?”

“Yes, princess,” Discord chuckled in agreement. “You have a kingdom to keep in order, and I have a syllabus to plan.”

“In that case, I bid you adieu.”

“Arrivederci.”

Celestia turned to leave the garden, and only got a few steps before Discord blatantly cleared his throat. She turned back to the imprisoned spirit. “Yes?”

Discord glared with his eyelids half open. “Forgetting something?” he asked, proceed to knock his contained paw against the barrier around the statue and make a clinking sound with his tongue like knocking on thick glass.

“Forgive me.”

“Oh, it’s far too late for that, princess.”

Celestia ignored the snide remark and with the pale white glow of her horn, the barrier around the statue faded away. “Behave, Discord.”

Discord simply walked off towards the garden maze, waving goodbye without so much as looking at her. “Yes, mother,” he remarked sarcastically. “I’ll be good.”

The resounding voice called out from the towers once more, far less contained than before. “SISTER! MINE PATIENCE WEARS THIN AND THE SUN DOTH TIRE! MAKE HASTE!”

Celestia spread her mighty wings and flew up towards the tower. Her body passed through a thin aura high above the garden, left to contain the dracoequus housed within. She landed atop the tower and glared at Luna. “I swear, if you ever have foals, I am going to drive you insane.”

Luna scoffed at her sister’s remark. “After how well yours turned out? Pah. I’m perfectly happy without one.”

Celestia ignored the younger sister’s commentary. Her mane flowed swiftly as her magic pulled the sun down from the sky. She set the sun quickly, her patience already worn thin from her discussion with Discord. As she left her sister to her duties and made way to her bedchamber, she solemnly pleaded to Luna, “Do keep an eye on him tonight. I don’t trust him enough yet.”

“And I don’t trust him at all. Are you sure this will work?”

“That’s all up to her now. Good night, sister.”

Thou art a fool, sister. “Indeed it is a good night. Sleep well.”

Luna leapt from the tower balcony and her wings broke her fall, landing gently on the garden grounds, just outside the barrier her sister placed. She dared not to cross it, only observing from a distance, her imagination running wild with thoughts on what might happen if her sister’s plot were to fail. What will thou do then, dear sister? What is our contingency? Surely, thou cannot plan on releasing him when this is over, can thou?

***

Within the garden, Discord took to the statues with his solid claws like sparring partners. He turned nearby busts into punching bags, and decimated them to dust in single blows, muttering Equestrian curses under his breath as he looked at his claws to find not even a single scratch on the stone containing his magic.

“Whoever thought freedom could be so boring?” he lamented at the statue he had just finished demolishing. “Then again, how can this be freedom?”

Bored with the senseless destruction, he made a different attempt. Laying his frozen paw against another statue, he focused deeply, quite a task for one so concerned with chaos. His body wrapped itself in the aura of chaos magic, and the light of the aura gathered towards the bracelets wrapped around his wrists. With a final push, he thrust the aura through the bracelets, and violet streaks of electricity shot from the cuffs, throwing Discord to the ground with the shock as he groaned in pain.

As the dust settled, he pushed himself up with his tail and cursed at the bracelets, “We’ll see how she likes it when I wrap one of these around her horn.” He brushed the dirt off his scales and turned back to the statue, a smile forming across his face. For all his pain and effort, a small magic had trickled through the shield of the bracelet, and now the statue sported a clown wig and was covered in pink and green polka dots.

“Not quite what I was going for,” he remarked, “but it will have to do.” He peered around at the massive garden and chuckled to himself. “Looks like I’ve got some redecorating to do.”

***

F SP PH PCRIEW’J CKXH CKI. FR’J IKCVBE.

C = O

October - The Imprisonment

“I still don’t think this is a good idea.”

“You’ve made that abundantly clear, dear sister, yet you insist on watching.”

“I cannot resist such a resounding opportunity to say ‘I told you so’.”

Celestia shot a sharp glance in Luna’s direction, her usual countenance in disarray of its regal status as she hid the pressure of her teeth gritting together. “It’s past your bedtime, dear sister.”

“Don’t you ‘dear sister’ me! You know as well as I do that this is only going to end in disaster.”

“And I guess then that you must have a better idea?”

The stars in Luna’s eyes lost their shimmer as her gaze moved to the floor. Her hooves scuffled slightly, but she had no response to offer.

“I didn’t think so.”

“But I—”

“Stay if you must, but I’m tired of hearing your complaints without solutions. This will work. Just wait and see. Have I been wrong in these matters before?”

Luna lifted her hoof in the direction of the garden, or what was left of it. A sign now hung above the central archway, deeming the area ‘Discord’s Domain’, with a smaller sign underneath left to mock the princesses with a few crudely drawn caricatures and the words ‘NO PRINCESSES ALLOWED’ sprawled across in misshapen letters and lack of functional font.

“As a matter of fact, yes,” Luna insisted. “And forgive me if my recollection is a bit off after the last several centuries, but it was about him before as well.”

“Well then, we must learn from our mistakes. Isn’t that right, Nightmare Moon?”

Luna stamped her hoof firmly against the marble floor, and a hairline crack began to form across the tile. “Don’t you dare mention that name around me!”

“Then you should know why I must give him a chance to redeem himself, as I did you.”

“… Fine. Do as you wish. I will leave you to your trivial efforts, as it is, like you say, well past my bedtime.” With a slight huff, Luna turned her face upward in defiance of her sister’s attitude and made her way to the door.

“Sleep well, dear sister. I’ll do my best to keep the events in the… domain to a dull roar.”

Luna leaned her head back instead of facing her sister and spoke just below yelling as she made her final words clear. “See that you do. Should I wake up and the moon be made of cheese again, I’ll banish you to the sun for a millennia and see how you like it.”

“Duly noted.” Celestia winced a bit as the massive doors to her chamber slammed shut with the force of Luna’s magic. She wondered to herself if perhaps she was a bit harsh on Luna for speaking her mind, but then again it certainly wasn’t the first time Luna had brought up the cracks in this plan during the past month. She turned her gaze back to the remnants of the garden, and fixated herself on the white unicorn nervously standing in front of the entrance.

Oh, please… Celestia’s train of thought suddenly derailed as she wondered who a princess might pray to in such a situation. Please prove her wrong.

***

The sign struck her as less than welcoming, tacky even. Such crude lettering and vulgarity hardly seemed inviting to a pony of her stature, even if that stature was all just a figment of her imagination. I… I can do this. She could do anything, couldn’t she? Even tackle the god of chaos, all on her own.

Rarity could not find heads or tails of the situation. It was the elements that locked Discord away before, so how could she expect to do so without the aid of her friends? Looking back at the entryway to the garden, the lettering seemed to rearrange itself to read ‘certain doom’, and she couldn’t tell if her mind was playing tricks on her, or the tricks were Discord’s doing.

Celestia had trusted her. That had to mean something, right? She wouldn’t trust her with a responsibility she couldn’t handle. Or was this meant to be some sort of punishment? Her mind wracked with questions, but the longer she contemplated, the more she realized she wouldn’t find any answers without facing the challenge before her. She gently placed her hoof along the barrier containing the garden, and it rippled with energy, parting for her and allowing entry.

Beyond the veil was a world beyond comprehension. A world she had seen before, yet never made sense of. How could she? This was the reign of chaos and disarray. No respect for the laws of gravity or thermodynamics, with a flair for humor and hedonism. It was a world turned upside down, and then thrown in a blender. She’d almost prefer to be colorblind that gaze upon a world where stripes, polka dots, and plaids were all thrown on top of each other.

“Oh this is simply dreadful,” she muttered to herself.

“Really? I find it quite endearing,” replied a deep voice behind her.

“Well of course you would you—” Rarity suddenly jumped as she came to the late realization that not only was she not alone, but she had recognized the voice immediately.

“Well I’m glad I’m not easy face to forget,” Discord chuckled. “Welcome, my dear. Please, make yourself at home.”

“As much as I appreciate the…” Rarity gazed about at the blatant felonies against the laws of design around her as she contemplated the horror of having to stay in such a place, “…hospitality, I don’t have any plans on staying longer than need be.”

“That’s a shame, dear. After all, I put so much work into putting all this together just for you. Do you not like it?”

“I’m not here to play your games, Discord.” Rarity shuddered as she recalled the last round of tricks he had played on her. That hideous rock… No! She swore never to speak of that again.

Discord chuckled again, and stared at Rarity quizzically. “Games? Why I haven’t the slightest clue what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t toy with me, you beast. I’m far from the element of patience.”

“That’s right… Generosity, was it? Why, what makes you think I don’t understand a concept as simple as that?”

“Simple?!” Rarity yelled, her eyes swelling with anger at the offensive statement. “Now see here, you ruffian! I will not stand idly by and let you deride my elegance and poise in such a manner!”

“Now, now, now. Calm yourself.” With a flash, Discord became a puff a smoke and a reflection of Rarity appeared next to her, mocking her tone through his voice. “Such anger is not befitting of a lady.” He quickly flashed back to his original form, stumbling a bit as the transformation made him dizzy. While he had accomplished much in his preparation time, it was not without great cost and sacrifice to his well being on account of the braces that bound him.

“Foolish demon, your imprisonment has made you weak and feeble. Banishing you back where you came from shall be an easy task. I guess Celestia was right that this should hardly require the aid of friends.”

“Banish me?” Discord stared at her before breaking into a fit of laughter. “My dear Rarity, your princess has played you for a fool.”

“Don’t you dare speak of her like that, Discord. She is a thousand times the ruler you could ever be.”

“And you believe her that she sent you here just to put me back in my stone cold prison? But it was her that released me in the first place.”

“She what?” Rarity screamed as she turned her head back to gaze through the barrier at the balcony where she could feel Celestia’s gaze watching her every move. “That can’t possibly be true.”

“Well, I’m far from the element of honesty,” Discord said with a shrug, “but I think you should take a moment to question where your loyalty lies, milady.”

“I’m not going to be so foolish, Discord. I fell for your tricks once, but never again. Your slander will get you nowhere, and your treason will have you banished. Even if she did release you, she sent me to undo it, and so I shall.”

Discord heaved a sigh and shook his head. “You’re as fabulous as you are dense. Fine, go ahead, do as you will. I await my punishment.” He offered a come hither wave as let out an exaggerated yawn.

Rarity took offense to this proud display of confidence and decided she had enough of Discord’s lies and disarray. Her horn began to glow as she concentrated her various levels of rage and emotion into her magic and charged it to seal away the monster yet again.

A smirk edged past her lips as she saw the fear in Discord’s eyes as her magic neared release. The blast struck its target and the dracoequus screeched in pain as his body froze back into the magical granite that had contained him yet again. Rarity took a bit of pride in her handiwork as she caught her breath, exhausted from the concentration of magic she had released and breathed a sigh of relief at the ease of the task.

The ground rattled a bit, and Rarity’s relief quickly dissipated. A crack formed down the center of the statue and the rock suddenly split into thousands of pieces, Discord peering back out with a laugh. “Kidding! Oh, you should have seen the look on your face! You really thought it was going to be that easy, didn’t you?”

Discord continue to ramble on about how apparently hilarious he found the situation, but the shocked unicorn didn’t seem to hear a single word. She stood still, her mouth agape, shocked that she had failed. It had all seemed so simple. Did she cast the spell wrong? Was she not powerful enough? No, Celestia wouldn’t entrust her with the task if she didn’t think she could succeed. And why did she suddenly taste… popcorn?

Rarity shook her head as she came to her senses and saw Discord laying on his side, a bag of popcorn in his claw as he went back and forth between tossing the kernels into his own mouth, and trying to toss them into her own maw as it hung loose in shock. “Oh good, you’re back,” Discord poured back the rest of the bag into his mouth and swallowed it in a single gulp. “I was getting bored.”

“You– but I– You should be—”

“Weren’t you listening to a word I said? I wasn’t toying with you. You really should question your princess, but there is time for that later.” The creature towered over her as he stood back up on his mismatched legs and stretched his back, making Rarity cringe at the sound of his back cracking. Worse yet, it sounded mysteriously like the sound of… popping kernels?

Discord began to make his way away from the entrance of his playground of sorts and unsorts. He beckoned for the unicorn to follow with his oversized paw, “Come, my dear. We have much to discuss. I assume you want to know the real reason Celestia sent you here, correct?”

“I don’t need to hear any more from you! I’ll ask her myself.” Rarity turned away in a huff and stormed off back to the castle. As she approached the barrier, she raised a hoof back against the aura, but before she could touch it, she felt it collide with a second aura in front of the one she had passed to enter. The magic rippled, but didn’t part to grant her passage, and she shuddered with fear as Discord’s heavy laugh rang through her ears.

“No, Rarity… I insist.”

ZENQ EL, IWOLLB PECQ, USIY PMIY YKQ BQMA.

Q = E