And No One Understands Him Like His Mare

by undead_rattler

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Diamond Dogs, Second Person, Spike, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 1700

Spike uses some strange magic to get beefy, but at what cost? A story from the Book of All Stories that happened during Ponyville Ciderfest 2023.

He's a complicated drake.
Co-Written by Snowday_Pegasus
A story from the Book of All Stories that happened during Ponyville Ciderfest 2023.

Published 2023-11-25 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-11-25 17:30:01 UTC

And No One Understands Him Like His Mare

You sigh and stretch, enjoying the heat of the sun, and the smell of the fields. “You were right, Barley, this was just what I needed. ‘Touch Grass’, was it?”

“Yeah, that seems to be what the younger crowd is saying these days. Or so Fizzy tells me. I hope she’s ok…”

“We’ll find her, I know it. Just gottaaAAHCRUD!” You suddenly fall down a hole that opened beneath you.

“Woah! What the hay, where’d you go!?”

“Down. I’m fine, by the way.”

Barley’s head pokes over the edge as he grins sheepishly. “So, uh, you coming back up, or…?”

“Sure, let me just grow some pegasus wings. Or maybe you could…” You can hear a faint rhythmic tapping. “Uh, do you hear that?”

Barley leans in to listen, and the ground gives way, tumbling him down into you with a yelp and a dull ‘thunk’.

“Ohhhhh, that’ll bruise. Thanks, uh, for catching me?”

You groan into the dirt and mutter “No problem,” before sitting up and rolling Barley off to your side.

The noise becomes clearer. It sounds like a hi-hat cymbal, and there’s some weird 70s style guitar accompanying it.

You ask, “Where are we?”

Barley replies, “I’ve got a bad feeling that this is a diamond dog burrow, so be careful.”

As your eyes adjust to the darkness, Barley points towards a distant flicker of light, and you head towards it. The music bounces off the network of tunnels, making it sound like it’s coming from everywhere at once. Piano and tambourine join the song, and you both jump when a deep male voice sings, “Who's the big dragon fair that's prince charming to all the mares?”

A chorus of female voices immediately replies, “Spike!”

The masculine voice replies, “You're dang right. Who is the drake that would risk his neck for his fellow horse?”

“Spike!”

“Can you dig it?”

You say, “Ok, Barley, this is getting a little creepy.”

“Yeah, but it’s kinda catchy,” Barley replies.

“But where’s it coming fro—”

“Who's the dragon won't back out, when there's danger all about?” the male sings.

“Spike!” the chorus replies.

“Right on~”

Down one of the tunnels, a muscular purple dragon in silver armor and a red cape heads straight towards you while strumming a guitar. So that’s where the funky riffs were coming from. You tense up, but he brushes past you and with a tilt of his head, beckons for you to follow. You and Barley shrug at each other and then tag along. Playing all the while, the dragon leads you down a tunnel that opens into a stone cavern. Carved into the walls are alcoves secured by metal bars, all of them occupied by mares!

At the other end of the cave is a group of diamond dogs dressed in stone armor. They see the dragon and rush towards him. Seemingly unconcerned, the dragon glances back at you and sings, “They say this cat Spike is a bad—”

“Shut your mouth!” the mares automatically respond as if on cue.

The dragon looks towards the mares and sings, “But I'm talkin' 'bout Spike!”

“Then we can dig it!”

The Diamond Dogs reach the scaly guitarist and get smacked away one by one. The dragon struts over to a cell containing a white unicorn with a flowing purple mane. Rarity.

“He's a complicated drake, and no one understands him but his mare.”

“That’s Spike.”

He rips the bars out of the wall with his teeth. Rarity runs to him and rests her head on his chest. The dragon kneels down and places his arms around her without a single note going off-key. The song ends with a few trumpet notes coming from a nearby prison cell.

The song over, the dragon slings the guitar over his shoulder and embraces Rarity completely.

“Spike, I knew you’d come for me,” she says.

“I would fight through Tartarus for you,” the dragon replies in his velvet voice.

“Wait, that’s Spike?” Barley asks.

“That’s Spike!” the mares sing.

As you both consider asking “Spike” about his workout routine and what kind of ‘Wheaties’ he’s been eating, you notice glowing paper peeking out from under his chestplate.

“Do you think that might be a page?” Barley asked.

You say, “It’s the only way any of thismakes sense.”

A bruised diamond dog staggers up to you and says, “Dragon not that big before. How get so big?”

“Umm, Spike?” you ask.

“Sir Spike, if you don’t mind,” Spike replies.

“Can we talk to you alone for a moment?”

“But I’m busy.”

“Please, Spike,” Barley asks.

Spike sighs and then says to Rarity, “I’ll be back in a moment, my goddess.”

“Okay, but hurry back, my scaley shugey-ugar-bear.”

Cringe.

The three of you step away. Spike keeps an eye on the diamond dogs. They wouldn’t dare make a move towards Rarity now, not with this artificially-enhanced hunk still lurking in their cave.

“What do you need, good peasants?” Spike asks.

Barley says, “Spi— Sir Spike… this isn’t right. This isn’t healthy.”

“What isn’t?” Spike asks.

“You, and what you’re doing with her.”

Spike’s eyes narrow. “...Because I’m a dragon?”

“No, not like that.” You point to his chest. “We know about the page.”

Spike shifts nervously. “What… are you talking about?”

“The page peeking out of your armor,” Barley said.

Spike holds a claw to his heart and takes a deep breath. “Oh. That page.”

You ask, “Did you use it to do all of this?”

Spike looked ashamed. “Maybe?”

“Spike, this is wrong,” Barley said.

“What’s wrong? I just saved Rarity from the diamond dogs, and now we can live happily ever after!”

“That’s not all, is it,” Barley says. “You didn’t just change yourself. You changed Rarity.”

“Y– ye– yeah, but what does that–”

“You gave her love poison, Spike. It’s not her. What would Twilight think if she knew you were doing this?”

“She– she doesn’t need to know!” Spike said.

You say, “You saved her from the cage, but she’s still your prisoner. If you saw another dragon doing this with Rarity, what would you say to him?”

Spike stares at the ground. “I would probably say… she deserves better.” He pulls the page out and clenches it in his claw. He looks over to Rarity as she patiently waits for his return. She flashes her beautiful smile and bats her perfect eyelashes, her purple mane shimmering like silk. Spike looks back towards you, revealing tearful eyes. “This is all I wanted. Was that so much to ask?”

You notice a Diamond Dog sneaking up on Spike. He seems to have figured out what’s really going on; his eyes are fixated on the page. Barley hasn’t noticed yet.

[Villain option] Keep Spike distracted?

Keeping Spike occupied, you say, “Well, I understand how you feel, but—”

Barley points and interrupts. “Look out!”

Too late. The dog snatches the page from Spike. Spike and Barley both chase after him as he crumples up the page and passes it to another. It goes from that dog to a third. What unfolds is a spectacular game of keep-away that the Diamond Dogs likely pulled off through sheer luck rather than skill. Regardless, Spike and Barley collapse in a heap as the Diamond Dog with the page raises it high and shouts triumphantly, “Foolish critters! Too busy talking icky lovey things! We smarter! Our turn to write story!”

Barley retreats towards you as Spike is reduced to his baby dragon form and Rarity wakes up from her trance.

“Spike? I just had the weirdest dre— wait, what’s going on?”

The Diamond Dogs now grow more muscular, and a different 70s song starts to play. The lead dog sings:

“As he pulled you out of your cold lithic cave,
You looked for the latest soiree.
With an over-memed song, and a plan that went wrong,
Dressed like a knight he was,
Not very bright, he was.
Crawling through the cavern on your hoof and knee,
You’re no longer protected, for it's plain to see,
The Diamond Dogs are vicious, they’ll catch you with ease.
Make you dig the ground they will, our gem carts are what you’ll fill.”

The mares sing, “Here they come!”

“We’ll keep your friends in chains!” The dogs sing.

They tackle Spike and Rarity.

“Here they come!”

“Look, we’re taking the reins!”

Spike and Rarity are wrestled towards the cages.

“Here they come!”

They lock up Spike.

“Well, Spike’s done, been and gone.”

They lock up Rarity.

“Get back in your prison, lady! We’re reaching the epilogue!”

You decide it’s probably time to go before they get you too!

“Ohh-ooh! They call us the Diamond dogs!”

You start to run out of the cave and Barley chases after you.

“Arrrooooo!”

“What just happened?” Barley asked, panting.

“Woof, woof!”

You exclaim, “Nevermind, let’s just find a way out of here!”

“Keep cool! Diamond Dogs rule, OK?!”

(+1 page for Villains)

[Hero option] Tell Spike about the Diamond Dog?

You yell, “Behind you!”

Spike turns and sees the Diamond Dog.

“Uh oh,” the Diamond Dog says, right before Spike spitting jet of green dragonflame at him. The dog runs away yelping with a trail of smoke streaming from his scorched tail.

Spike clears the smoke from his nostrils and looks towards Rarity again. She’s hypnotized by his gallant act of fiery prowess. Spike whispers, “Good bye, my sweet.” He painfully looks away from her and holds up the page.

As Spike opens his mouth to make his wish, Barley stops him. “Wait, not yet. Look around. If you stop being buff now, we’ll be sitting ducks in here. Besides, look. All of these mares are still caged. Let’s get everypony out of here and then we’ll undo this.”

Spike hands Barley the page and then after wiping a tear from his eye, he takes hold of his guitar. He manages to smile a bit as he channels his very soul into every note. He starts to sing, “Who's the big dragon fair that's prince charming to all the mares?”

You, Barley, and the Mares all sing, “Spike!”

(+1 page for Heroes)