Midlife Crisis

There was one part of my anatomy that had not changed at all. Having enjoyed some fresh... grapefruit? I wasn't sure, some kind of mildly sour citrus beverage, it went right in and wanted to come out in short order. "This is a stupid question coming from any grown person, I imagine... But I need to go to the bathroom, and I don't know where, or how."

Spike snorted as if holding back laughter. "Right there." He pointed to a door easily overlooked. "Not locked or anything."

Twilight advanced towards the door. "Spike, he just said he doesn't know how. He'll need a little more help than pointing the way if we don't want a considerable mess afterwards." She waved at the door. "After you."

I was being potty trained, by Twilight Sparkle. Another check off the bucket list, though that one hadn't existed on there until it came up. I was adlibbing it, forgive me.

I felt my face flush even as I laughed self-consciously at the necessity of my new friend tutoring me in basics typically mastered much younger. Still, given Erquestian plumbing doubtless differed greatly from human, I swallowed back further embarrassment and made my way towards the indicated door.

Twilight maintained a polite hover nearby as I awkwardly maneuvered my unfamiliar frame into the small room beyond. "I know this must seem silly, but every creature has learning curves adapting to new forms," she reassured gently. "Just try to mimic what feels natural and we'll gauge from there."

I nodded, nerves and fascination mingling as I confronted the strange open-air toilet and array of cleaning implements awaiting me. I hoped occult forces had preserved my human dignity somewhat during this improbable transformation. But either way, when in Equestria...

My eyes couldn't help wandering to Twilight lingering patiently by. "You'll, uh, give me some privacy though, right?"

Twilight blinked before flushing herself. "Oh, horseapples, yes! I'll just...let you figure things out." She pulled the door hastily closed behind her with a glow of magic. "Call if you need anything!"

I sighed in relief and turned my full focus to the task at hoof. The biology couldn't be too radically different could it? Fortunately determination and curiosity trumped my lingering embarrassment. When one somehow wound up the first human turned pony, it was time to simply embrace the adventure wherever it led!

I took time to examine that toilet. It was one, but it also wasn't one. It was far too long. It was designed for one to... stand over, I guessed? Twilight had led me to stand over it, so there I was. "Just relax." So I did... and things happened. I won't bore, or gross you out, with details, but things worked.

It was a curious sensation from both sides. I'm really not sure how much detail I should go into, but I did notice one thing. I was still a male. Having a sheath meant that part of me had to come out a little, or I'd just be making a mess of myself.

It all worked. "All done?" Was I supposed to clean up? I had no idea what to reach for or how... "Little help..."

The door cracked open as Twilight floated a small bucket and brush in surrounded by her magic's glow. "We each take care of the cleanup - it's only polite!" She passed the implements over before discreetly pulling the door to close again.

I peered uncertainly at the simple wooden brush and little pail. "Oh, guess that makes sense..." It turned out the necessary motions weren't too far off from cats' litterboxes as I gingerly tried scooping and scrubbing.

In short order I had the facilities tidy again. I stepped back outside with a relieved sigh, the chore nowhere near as awkward as dreaded. Twilight waited patiently across the hall, simply smiling in encouragement rather than any judgment.

I tossed my mane back casually. "Well, one more thing to check off the Equestria life skills list at least!" We shared a laugh, both appreciating the humor in my unlikely education.

Twilight inclined her head. "I'm actually relieved. It means your digestive system isn't in shock. I've heard stories... Now..." She took a slow breath. "You were patient when I had so many questions. I should return the favor a little?"

"I still want a working keyboard, even if I have to hunt and peck at it." David snorted, which was a very horse noise. He learned he could do a proper snort. "Neat."

"Neat?"

"The sound I made." David looked around the living area with all its books. Right, library. They were in one of those... "Can you make that keyboard?"

"I... think I can..." Her horn glowed with concentration. "First..."

I smiled as Twilight's horn took on an intense glow, magic clearly gathering to reshape available implements into some kind of keyboard configuration for my clumsy hooves. While still no match for dexterous human hands, even awkward typing would be better than nothing for recording my wild thoughts.

The front door exploded open, allowing a pink horse to come trotting in. "Where is he?! Oh, there he is!" She accelerated into a quick, if brief, gallop.

"Hiya!" she greeted with a dazzling grin, not winded in the slightest. "I'm Pinkie Pie! Which means you gotta be that alien critter Twilight told us she brought back, hm?"

Without waiting for confirmation she seized my hoof in an enthusiastic pump that nearly shook me off-balance. "Name's David right? Well nice ta properly meetcha!"

I blinked down at the gleeful pony as she continued jostling my hoof. Apparently word of my arrival had spread quickly if this bombshell was any indication! I could remember Pinkie from the show. She was an overpowering energy, but not an unwelcome one.

I managed to reclaim my tingling hoof after a moment. "Nice meeting you too!" I echoed gamely. Well, might as well roll with the chaos already unfolding around me. "Is this about a party?"

Pinkie blinked with amazement. "Wow, how did you know that? I usually have to tell a pony about the welcoming party first." She threw an arm over my withers and drew me closer to her side. "I can tell, I'm going to like you. Your head feels familiar."

Twilight raised a brow at that. "You haven't even felt his head."

"I'm talking about the inside, silly." Pinkie gigglesnorted, bouncing in place, releasing me in the motion. "He's just like me."

I was like Pinkie? Of all the ponies, I would have rated her near the bottom for similarity. "How do you mean?" I asked, genuinely curious. "I always saw more of Twilight and Rarity in me."

Twilight colored at that. "Me? Really?"

"Can't say I've ever gotten compared to a Pinkie before," I admitted with another wry laugh. "No offense, but you seem way more, uh, zany than me..."

Pinkie just smiled knowingly, not at all bothered. "Oh, I know I give off total random party pony outer vibes - though weirdness is in the eye of the beholder too!" She playfully booped my nose.

"But trust me, deep down in that noodly alien brainspace we're like two cupcakes from the same frosted batch." She loomed in, narrowed eyes suddenly sharp. "I can just tell...you're not quite fully an alien at all anymore, are ya?"

I shifted back, unnerved by her uncommon insight coupled with this world's magical forces. Just what WAS pinging her uncanny detection? But her show's melody theme choose then to play, interrupting my unease.

"Oh cupcakes, oven's ready!" Pinkie exclaimed. She zipped off, pausing at the door to blow me a playful kiss. "See you soon you silly sandwiches! We'll chat more at your party!"

And with that she was gone in a pink tornado. I stood stunned, feeling mentally winded in her wake. "I've been Pinkied."

"She's a verb?" Twilight dusted at me with her magic lightly. "Now, I made this." She floated over the strange keyboard. "But it does nothing without use. So..." She pressed it against me. "Go on."

I took the keyboard in my hooves, and almost dropped it immediately. It took some awkward shuffling to cradle it against me as I sank to my haunches.

By the way, sitting on haunches? Feels about the same as sittting on your butt. Your butt just moves when you're a horse to including more of your leg and less of what you'd call a butt. Technically, a leg was already part of a butt.

I shook away that distrction and pawed at the strange keyboard. "It's... How do I use it?"

I was ready to make a qwerty keyboard sing with life. That one didn't have a single labeled key...

I frowned down at the mystifying device now cradled against my barrel. Twilight's magical craftsmanship had clearly created something amazing attuned to my unique situation. Wide spaces separated the unlabeled keys as if molded precisely to accommodate clumsy hooves.

Yet for all its considerate ergonomic design, the featureless buttons baffled me. I awkwardly prodded and pressed to no avail, unable to rediscover familiar typing flows without my usual alphas in place. For all its promise, Twilight's gift may as well have been abstract modern art.

"Uh, thanks for this," I began haltingly, not wanting to seem ungrateful, "but I can't get it to actually do anything. Could we maybe label some letters first before I make progress writing again? Might just need that reference point..."

I peered up hopefully at Twilight who simply tilted her head. "Label them how? Pressing those nodes conducts direct thought conversion for writing - surely you just wish to share ideas from your mind?"

At my confused head shake she frowned. "Is...that not how your human devices function? I presumed typing was mental inscription. Is there more to it?"

I blinked, intrigued by this insight into pony text interfaces. Perhaps we had severely mismatched user expectations around computerized writing. Still, conveying unfiltered thoughts posed its own challenges, namely in keeping a straight uninterrupted thought as I got through my writing.

I placed the keyboard down and put my hooves in the pads. "Alright, let's try."

And I was trying. It was going in both directions. It felt like I was seated at my computer. My programs were there. "Holy shit..."

Twilight swatted at me, not that I could see her with the vision of my computer's desktop taking up my mind. "Language."

"Sorry." I moved the mouse around by thinking about it and began to giggle as I got things going properly. I checked in with my friends and moved to start the day's updates that I didn't get to finish on account of being kidnapped to another world.

[4:47 PM]David Silver(He/Him): Hey, checking in from that other world. Twilight hooked me up with a keyboard, sorta, so I can still chat and such from there. Equestria, with an Internet connection.
[4:49 PM]RadicalDishonesty: o.O
[4:50 PM]David Silver(He/Him): Seemed it would be a nice thing to check in, let people know I'm alive.
[4:50 PM]RadicalDishonesty: I suppose so...
are you alright?
[4:51 PM]David Silver(He/Him): Pinkie's already planning a party. I'd rate that as better than alright, even if it sounds overwhelming by basic nature.
[4:51 PM]David Silver(He/Him): Realistic Pinkie is charming and mildly terrifying.
[4:53 PM]David Silver(He/Him): Must have picked a bad time. I'll check in later.

Having checked in and caught up with his words for the day, he pulled his hooves back and the image blinked away, allowing his normal senses to return. "That was a trip, but a good one. Twilight, you're amazing."

"Thank you." Twilight tipped her head. "But, I meant to ask. You seemed keenly interested in being more than just an earth pony. How eager are we talking?"

Spike leaned in over her. "Are you trying to get more ponies to read books?"

"Yes." She shoved his massive head back with a hoof. I felt sure Spike could have resisted if he wanted to. "What do you think?"

"I think I'm keenly interested... but also need to meet people. Pinkie's already preparing."