Diary of an Aspiring Evil Overlordby CopperTopChaptersHow I ALMOST Became Class PresidentHow I ALMOST Became A River PirateHow I ALMOST Stole Sweet Apple AcresHow I ALMOST Robbed A BankHow I ALMOST Became Class PresidentMonday ~~Dear Diary~~, Hello My Loyal Subjects! These are the ~~memories~~ (Mom says it’s “memoirs”. I think somepony misspelled “memories” a long time ago but didn’t want to admit it and created a new word that means the same thing. I’m going to remember to do stuff like that when I’m in charge!) of your Evil Overlord: Lord ~~Milk~~ Dark Chocolate! (Note to self: change later to super cool villain name)[Lord Dark Chocolate!] I’m going to use this journal to record my rise from a lowly blank flank to being the ruler of all of Equestria and the whole world! Because I think it’s important that my subjects have a COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY ACCURATE history of me to study in school. I thought about destroying all the schools when I become an Evil Overlord, because school sucks and I hate it; but then I remembered I’m supposed to be evil, and an Evil Overlord would totally make colts and fillies do things that suck like go to to school. Grown-ups too. I’ll make grown-ups go to school too so that it also sucks to be a grown-up. I'm also going to give them stupid bedtimes! Anyway, at this point in my TOTALLY AWESOME AND INSPIRING STORY of my rise to greatness, I’m still just a blank flank. Which is okay. Everypony starts out as a blank flank, and it means that I have a lot of time to practice being a great Evil Overlord and see which of my evil plans works best! My name is: ~~Milk~~ Dark Chocolate (I said this already. Oh well…) and I live in Ponyville. This will be the first place I conquer on my rise to power, but that will have to wait until after I get my Cutie Mark. I tried to take it over already once, but Mayor Mare said only grown-ups can run for mayor. (I double-checked with Mom that this was a real rule and not just a lie Mayor Mare told me to keep me from conquering the town. It is. Drat) I won’t describe what I look like, because obviously by now you’ve seen my statues everywhere since I’m going to put them all over every town. Posters too. It’ll be a rule that every bedroom needs my poster in it and it has to be the ~~biggest~~ poster. (It’s the only poster!)[Well, maybe Power Ponies posters are okay too, because they’re cool]{No Power Ponies posters! Because I’m evil!} Now, I’m sure all of you want to know why I wanted to become an “Evil Overlord”, and not, like, a “Good” one or something. That’s easy: Because there already is a Good Overlord! (Mom says I shouldn’t call Princess Celestia an “overlord”, even a good one. Sorry Princess Celestia!)[Nevermind. Evil Overlords aren’t sorry for things. Need to remember that…] Being a second Good Overlord wouldn’t be a very special talent. So I have to be an evil one! Like Nightmare Moon. Well, maybe not exactly like Nightmare Moon, on account of she got banished to the moon and I don’t want to be banished to the moon because I don’t like heights a lot. Or the dark. I’m not afraid of the dark (Super not afraid!), because Evil Overlords aren’t afraid of anything! I just don’t like it. And Evil Overlords don’t have to do things that they don’t like. (Note to self: Make it a law that anypony who says I’m afraid of the dark goes to jail) I also don’t want to have to eat foals either. Especially not fillies because ~~they’re icky!~~ (Some of them are okay. I guess…) So I’m going to be ~~better~~ than Nightmare Moon! (Worse!)[Better!!]{Note to self: ask Mom if there’s a word for “being better at being bad”} First, I have to get my Cutie Mark in being evil. Or overlording. (Mom says that’s not a word, but I don’t care. I’m making it one like the “memoirs” pony probably did) Whichever mark means I’ll be good at taking over and ruling Equestria. And maybe the rest of the world too. I’m not really sure yet if I want to rule the whole world. That sounds like a lot of work. But it would mean more statues and posters of me, which I like the idea of. ~~So maybe. I’ll think about it.~~ (Griffons are mean and stupid and dumb and I don’t want to rule them!) So I’m going to try being evil first and let you guys know how it goes! Tuesday It did not go well. Miss Cheerilee put me in Time Out for most of the day and told my Mom. For the record: telling your Mom you only spat spitballs at the filly in front of you in class because you’re trying to get your Cutie Mark doesn’t get you out of being grounded. Drat. So, because trying to be evil is probably just going to get me in Time Out and grounded a lot, I’ve decided to work on being an overlord first. Thinking about it, that’s probably the more important part of being an “Evil Overlord” anyway. I mean, anypony can be evil. That part’s easy. You just need a straw, spit, and pieces of paper. Ruling over someplace? Well, there’s only one princess, so that’s probably a pretty hard thing to do if there’s only one of them. If becoming a princess was easy, then there’d be a whole bunch of them! (I guess it’s easier than I thought?! There’s like five now! None of them are evil though, so I’ll still be special) I already know I can’t take over the town because I’m not a grown-up, but while I was in Time Out today Miss Cheerilee announced that we’d be electing class presidents this week. I didn’t know they’d let one of us become president of the whole class! This is a perfect opportunity! I can use ruling over the school as practice for ruling the town! My first act will be putting Miss Cheerilee in Time Out and see how she likes it! Then I’ll make my being evil allowed by the rules so I can get my Cutie Mark without getting Time Outs. We’re supposed to come up with campaign speeches and stuff to convince our classmates to vote for us. I probably shouldn’t mention in my speech that I want to be class president so that I can be their Evil Overlord? I don’t think any of them want that. But maybe they’ll vote for me if I promise to put Miss Cheerilee in Time Out for giving us so much homework. I’ll also promise to get rid of homework forever. Then, after they vote for me, I'll make it so I don't have to do homework, but everypony else does! Because an Evil Overlord wouldn’t keep their promises! As long as they don’t make me Pinkie Swear about the homework thing. You’re not allowed to break those. I’m really excited and I’m going to get started on my campaign speech right now! You know, because I’m grounded in my room and don’t have anything else to do. Well, except the homework Miss Cheerilee gave us. But I’m not going to do that because I’m going to make me doing homework not a thing when I’m elected anyway! All hail President ~~Milk~~ Dark Chocolate! (I’m not going to change any of the ones after this one. It’s a lot of work. Just replace “Milk” with “Dark” on your own from now on) Wednesday Miss Cheerilee put me in Time Out again for promising to put her in Time Out. Then she gave me detention for not doing my homework. I didn’t remember that we weren’t voting for class president until tomorrow. Drat. I’m also grounded again for not doing my homework and saying I’d put my teacher in Time Out. Double Drat. On the way back home after detention, I heard Mom say that it was going to be a “long week”. I didn’t know that was a thing. I thought all of the weeks were the same number of days. To me this just proves that Miss Cheerilee is not a good teacher and deserves detention, since she never taught us about some weeks being longer than others. (Okay, well I know now that it’s just an expression. Miss Cheerilee still deserves a Time Out though) Still, I think I have a good chance of being elected class president anyway. Which will mean not having to worry about Time Outs or detentions ever again after today! (So, I learned the definition of the word “irony” today…) I’ll probably still have to worry about being grounded by Mom, since I'm not being elected "House President" (I asked Mom, she said that's not a thing. Another Drat), but if I’m making all of the rules at school then it means I can make it so I’m not breaking any of them and not get grounded for breaking school rules. So it should work out. Hail President Milk Chocolate! (Glad I’m not changing these anymore. I write my name a lot in this thing…) Even though I’m going to make it so I don’t have to do my homework when I’m the president tomorrow, I still have to do my homework tonight. Mom says she’s going to check from now on to make sure I do it. Triple Drat. Thursday That election was rigged! Diamond Tiara bought all of the votes by bringing in a cake and giving pieces to anypony who voted for her! Elections are stupid! When I become the Evil Overlord of Equestria, I’m going to outlaw elections! And also outlaw cakes with stupid Diamond Tiara’s stupid face on them! But it’s also not a bad idea, so I’m going to remember to promise to buy everypony cakes when I grow up and run for mayor of Ponyville. Then I’ll outlaw elections so I can’t be unelected later by somepony with a better cake. (I’ll also outlaw cake because I’m evil! But I still get to have cake because cake is awesome!) I did my homework, but didn’t bring it to school because I thought I’d be elected the class president. So I got detention and grounded again. Drat. Mom says she’s going to check my saddlebags before I go to school now to make sure I have everything. I’m going to have to make sure to hide my spitball straw. Today wasn't totally horrible though. I got to eat some really tasty cake! Friday Well, it turns out that being class president wouldn’t have been so great anyway. All you do is take morning attendance. You don’t actually get to run the school or make any rules or put Miss Cheerilee in Time Out. I guess you get to wear a neat sash too? I don’t know if that was an “official” class president thing because Miss Cheerilee told Diamond Tiara to take it off when she saw it. It looked cool though, ~~so I’m going to make a sash part of my Evil Overlord clothes~~. (Nah, a cape is cooler)[Using both is cooler!] I did learn a lot from this experience though! I learned that you shouldn’t promise to put your teacher in a Time Out when they’re listening to your speech, because they’ll just put you in Time Out first. I also learned that using cake to get votes in an election is extremely effective. (Bits work too, but it’s harder to get a lot of those and you can just bake a cake at home) So even though my first plan to become an Evil Overlord didn’t go exactly how I wanted it to, I will remember these lessons and I will figure out how to use what I learned to make my next attempt go even better! I also learned that Mom is really good at finding spitball straws in my saddlebags. (Note to self: get a replacement straw)[Maybe a smaller one that’s easier to hide?]{Definitely a smaller one that’s easier to hide…} So I am also grounded again… Drat. Author's Note So, trying something pretty different from my usual stuff (feels weird not to add a "Dark" or "Violence" tag...). This project will update sporadically, but I hope you guys still swing by from time to time to follow along with Milk's—I'm sorry, Dark's—rise to power and glory! In case it's confusing to any readers, the colored writing represents "notes in the margins" or "corrections between lines" that Milk/Dark has made later on to his original entries. Purple is notes he's made a day or two after initial writing, Red for a few months later, and Green for a couple years later. Thank you so much for reading! As always, a thumbs up and comment are always greatly appreciated I've set up a Cover Art Fund if you're interested and have any bits lying around! How I ALMOST Became A River PirateSaturday (My subjects, before you judge your Evil Overlord, just remember that if you’re reading this, I did still end up becoming your Evil Overlord! Anypony who laughs will go straight to jail! That being said, what follows is not your Evil Overlord’s proudest moment…) Okay, so obviously getting elected to things is a little harder than I thought. You can’t just promise to put your teacher in Time Out and that ponies won’t get homework anymore. You either need to have a lot of tasty cake to give to ponies to make them vote for you, or you need ponies to like you more than cake. And I don’t think that second part is possible. (This wet spot on the page isn’t from me drooling thinking about cake and anypony who says it is is a liar!) So to become president or mayor or whatever, I’m going to need to get enough cake to give some to everypony in Ponyville. I asked Mrs. Cake how much it would cost to get enough cakes for everypony in town and she laughed and said it would cost me fewer bits to open my own bakery. I asked Mom if I could have a bakery for my next birthday and she told me no. I asked if I could have it instead of the Mistress Mare-velous action figure I asked for before and she still said no. So I asked her how I could get a bakery and she told me I would either have to buy one or build one myself. I’m not so good with tools, so I asked her how much a bakery would cost to buy. I don’t think the number she said was one of those made-up numbers like “bajillion” or pie (everypony knows pies are food and not numbers, duh!)[We learned in class today it’s “pi” and it’s real, but I still think it’s stupid. I’ll outlaw it when I become an Evil Overlord] but I can’t count to the number she said, so I don’t think I have that many bits in my piggy bank, because it has seven bits and I can count that. She will not give me an advance on my allowance either. I hadn’t actually asked her for that yet when she said that. I asked how she knew I was going to ask and she said: “Mom magic”. Unicorn powers are crazy; I didn’t even see her horn light up that time! When I asked her how many bits I’d get for my baby teeth she told me: “Not nearly enough, so don’t even think about it!” Then she told me to go play outside and that I’d better still have all my teeth in my mouth when I came back or I’d be grounded again. But it’s okay, because when I went outside I saw the river that runs through the middle of Ponyville and I had an ~~awesome~~ idea!(Well, it was an idea anyway) See, I was thinking about ways to get lots of bits, and when I saw the water I remembered that pirates have so many bits that they need to bury them on islands in big huge boxes! I don’t actually know why pirates bury their bits (All these years later, and I still don’t, to be honest…) but that’s not the important part. The important part is that if they need big boxes that are even bigger than me to fit all those bits, then that has to be more bits than a bakery costs, right?! So all I need to do to get the bits I need for the bakery is to become a pirate and plunder Ponyville! (Well, plunder somewhere, anyway) If Mom isn’t going to give me bits for a bakery, she’s probably not going to give me bits for a boat either. So I’ll either have to build one or steal one, but I don’t know who in Ponyville has a boat that I could steal. I’ll have to try and build my own. On the bright side, since there aren’t any other boats in Ponyville, I’ll definitely have the biggest and most powerful boat in town even if it’s not super well made. I asked Dad if I could use his tools and he said I could BUT I could only use them if he was there to watch me so he could make sure I didn’t hurt myself. That was probably a good idea since, like I said: I’m not so good with tools. But I also didn’t want him to see me building my pirate ship because he might try and stop me when he found out I was going to use it to plunder Ponyville. He’d probably stop me even if I Pinkie Sweared not to plunder him and Mom. (Tutti Frutti was going to get SUPER plundered though!) So I wasn’t going to be able to use his tools. But that’s okay, because when I walked by the pond, I saw this other colt from class. His name is Truffle and he’s pretty cool! (Note to self: Keep Truffle in mind as a possible future minion) He was playing with a little boat that he’d made out of paper. He said you don’t need tools to make them and showed me how to fold it. Dad doesn’t have to watch me if I build my boat just by folding paper! Tomorrow, I’m going to grab the extra big newspaper that gets delivered, build myself a massive pirate ship and sail up and down the Ponyville river plundering the town! Then I’ll have the bits I need to buy a bakery and I can bake all the cakes I need to win an election! (I know I’m still not old enough to run for mayor, but I figure it’ll take me a while to bake enough cakes for everypony in town anyway. By then the townsponies will also have forgotten that I’m the one that plundered them and still vote for me) Sunday (Remember, my loyal subjects: Laughing = jail!) First off, I want to start by pointing out that Mom was wrong and last week wasn’t any longer than the other weeks. So I think she got her weeks mixed up. All I’m saying is: Mom can make mistakes too! (As I mentioned before, I now know this was an expression. Moving on) So anyway, on to reviewing my plan to plunder Ponyville for bits to buy a bakery to bake cakes to get votes to become mayor: (I still believe this is a workable plan)[Still working on it!]{If you're reading this, I assume it worked} It didn’t work. The details why aren’t important. What is important is learning from ~~mistakes~~. (Miscalculations. Your Evil Overlord does not make “mistakes”. Just rounding errors) The biggest ~~mistake~~ (Miscalculation) was that pirate ships can really only plunder other ships. Since I was the only ship in the river, well…there wasn’t anything to plunder except for myself. And I only had seven bits. My next ~~mistake~~ (MISCALCULATION!) was not realizing that, while paper boats float pretty good even when they’re made bigger, they only float when there isn’t a pony in them. When there is a pony in them, they sink pretty fast. (Lucky for me the river wasn’t very deep) I also learned three new words today: ~~Lidderan~~ (Mom says it’s spelled “liTTerING”, but that's not how it sounded when Officer Barns said it) which is when you throw trash on the ground. And also the water too. I also learned that newspapers are “trash” when you put them on the ground or in the water. (But not when the newspony throws them on the ground in front of the house in the morning I guess for some reason?)[I need to remember to warn Truffle about putting his boats in the pond in case Officer Barns sees him]. Another word I learned is: ~~Ornince~~ (Ordinance) which is like a rule, but it’s for the whole town and it’s things you shouldn’t do. I also learned: ~~Sigh-tayshun~~ (Citation) which Officer Barns said was like a reverse allowance, but I don’t think that’s quite right because one ~~sigh-tayshun~~(citation) was way more than my weekly allowance. In my defense, I would have had the five bits Officer Barns told me I owed; except that when I realized I was going to be the only pony in a ship on the river, I had to run back home and get my bits so that there’d be something for me to plunder. I mean, I’d have been a pretty bad pirate if I came back home from pirating with no bits at all, right?! But when my ship sank I lost my bits in the river. So I couldn’t give Officer Barns any bits and he had to talk to Mom and Dad. Long story short: I’m not allowed to build giant paper pirate ships anymore and I owe Mom and Dad five bits. I am also grounded…again. Drat. (Now that I’m better with tools, I could probably build a boat that actually floats with me in it and try this again. It couldn’t go any worse than this first time!)[Yes it could. I’m going to outlaw boats] Author's Note Thank you so much for reading! As always, a thumbs up and comment are always greatly appreciated I've set up a Cover Art Fund if you're interested and have any bits lying around! How I ALMOST Stole Sweet Apple AcresMonday Morning Tutti Frutti put a piece of paper on her bedroom door yesterday that said: “Days Since Last Milk Grounding” with a “0” under it in permanent marker. I asked her if she was really going to make a new paper to hang on her door every day with a different number. She told me she knew she wouldn’t have to make other papers. She thinks she’s so funny. I’ll show her! (Eventually)[It took longer than I’m willing to admit] On the bright side, being grounded in my room all day gave me a lot of time to come up with new ways to become an Evil Overlord! After my boat sank, I spent hours drawing up my next plan. (Note to self: ask Mom for more crayons) I still think the bakery idea is a good one. I just need to get bits a different way since being a pirate won’t work. While Officer Barns was taking me home, I saw that orange mare with the hat from the apple farm. She had a cart full of apples and ponies were walking up to her and giving her bits for apples. That was when I had an awesome idea to get bits for the bakery: I can sell ponies apples! It’s not hard to get apples, I see them in the trees of the apple farm all the time. So my new plan is to walk to the farm before school, get some apples, and then sell them to the other students at lunch. This plan is so simple that nothing could go wrong! Monday Afternoon I found out today that the orange mare who sells apples in town has a little sister that’s in my class. I also found out that I’m not supposed to just take apples off the trees at their farm. It’s stealing. (But that’s okay because I think an Evil Overlord would steal things)[I Really need to stop getting caught until I actually become their Evil Overlord though] Miss Cheerilee put me in Time Out and told Mom. Grounded again. Coming up with a new plan right now. Tuesday My new plan to paint the apples and sell “oranges” did not work. Time Out. Detention. Grounded. You get the idea. (Stupid Tutti and her stupid paper) I think Miss Cheerilee and the apple mare’s sister (Her name is Applebloom)[Her name should be AppleSTUPID!] are suspicious of me selling things in school now. So instead of painting the apples again tomorrow and trying to sell “bananas” I’m going to come up with a new plan so that they don’t know I’m selling apples: I’m going to wear a disguise. They’ll never suspect it was me, their future Evil Overlord Milk Chocolate! Wednesday They suspected it was me. I guess I should have known the plan wouldn’t work. That’s on me. I forgot about how the orange apple mare (Her name is Applejack, which I didn’t know. That was probably also a clue I wasn’t the real apple pony, since I called myself “Orange Apple Mare”) always wears a hat. I’ll remember that for next time. Time Out. Detention. Grounded. (I should come up with a shorter way to write this to save crayons. I'm writing it way more than I expected to)[You and me both, Past Milk]{I just say: "I was foiled" now...} Also Mom wasn’t happy that I’d painted myself orange. Dad wasn’t happy that I used all his orange paint without telling him. Dad said something about me being “double grounded” for that which sounded kind of scary at first but feels a lot like being regular grounded. Mom and Dad said I owe them fifteen bits now. I decided not to ask them for the new crayons yet. Tutti Frutti did change her paper though. Now it has a “-1” on it. Stupid Tutti. Thursday I didn’t take apples from the farm this morning. Mostly because Dad put a lock on the shed and so I couldn’t get the paint I needed to make “bananas”. Instead I did spying stuff so I could make a better plan on how to get the apples. Walking in and taking them was just getting me Time Outs and grounded all the time, but if the farm ponies just gave me the apples, then that wasn’t stealing and I couldn’t get in trouble! Obviously I couldn’t pretend to be the orange apple mare when I asked them for the apples. I still didn’t have a hat. I need to pretend to be some other pony. That was when I learned that the orange apple mare had a ~~Mom too just like me~~! (Applebloom says she’s their grandma, not their mom) If I pretend to be that pony, then I can just tell the orange mare to give me the apples and she will and it won’t be stealing and I can sell them at school! I can’t get green paint because the shed is locked so I’ll need to find another way to color myself. I can’t use crayons to do it because I’m running out. I’ll ask Mom for more tomorrow after I sell the apples at lunch and give her the bits I owe. I do have one idea on how to make myself green that should work and not cost any bits. I remember from when I was at the pond with Truffle and his paper boat that there was a place where there was green slime floating on top. I can just cover myself with that and the orange apple mare won’t be able to tell the difference! I also already took the little blanket from on top of the table by the couch to tie around my neck like the old apple mare was wearing. I’m glad she wasn’t wearing a hat too. This will be so easy! Because I didn’t try to sell stolen fruit at school, I didn’t get any Time Outs or detention today. Which means I also didn’t get grounded! I’m still going to mostly stay in my room and work on my Evil Overlord plans though. Tutti put the paper with the “0” on it back on her door. I told her she can’t use any of my crayons to make a paper with a “1” on it tomorrow. She said she knows she won’t need to make a new paper. I’ll show her! Friday I didn’t show her. I think my plan would have worked except that the orange apple mare wasn’t there this morning. I don’t know where she was, but instead there was a big red stallion outside with the apple trees. (Applebloom’s brother Big Mac) I knew I had a pretty good costume on though, so I walked onto the farm anyway and told him that I was the Apple Mom (I now know she’s actually their grandma and her name is Granny Smith but I’m not going to waste crayon changing it every time)[Still not sure if “Granny” is part of her actual name or not] and that he needed to give me some apples. Where I think I went wrong was that in the middle of saying that, I had an idea that, since I was the Apple Mom, I could just ask for all the apples. So I told the big red stallion that I changed my mind and he had to bring me all of the apples from all of the apple trees. (I don't actually regret this. Real Evil Overlords should think big!) He told me no. That was actually all that he said: “Nope”. And then he scooted me off the farm. He’s very strong. (Maybe good minion material?)[I asked if he wanted to help me rule Equestria and he said “Nope”. Oh well. His loss] That was when Applebloom came outside to go to school. Somehow she knew I wasn’t really the old mare either. Probably because the real old mare was standing at the front door of their house right then waving goodbye to her. She told me I smelled and that I couldn’t walk to school with her. I did kind of smell a little bit because of the green stuff from the pond. I also didn’t want to walk to school with an icky filly anyway! (Certainly not AppleSTUPID!)[I’d walk with Sweetie though]{On second thought, this doesn’t need to be in here. Ignore it. Your Evil Overlord Dark Chocolate commands it or you go to jail!} Applebloom told Miss Cheerilee what I tried to do and she told my Mom. I didn’t get a for real Time Out, but I wasn’t allowed inside the school because of the smell from the stuff from the pond. Mom wasn’t happy about having to leave her ice cream cart to come and get me to give me a bath before bringing me back to school. I didn’t get a detention for missing classes in the morning, or grounded for being smelly at least. Since I didn’t actually get any apples, I wasn’t in trouble for that either but Mom did tell me to stop going to the farm without her or Dad with me. Mom asked me where I got the blanket around my neck from and when I told her she said it was from Dad’s mom and was something called an “~~air loom~~” (heirloom) and not a toy and it was older than even she was and I wasn’t supposed to touch it again. So I did get grounded for messing up Dad’s table blanket. Drat. I didn’t ask her for new crayons. Author's Note Thank you so much for reading! As always, a thumbs up and comment are always greatly appreciated I've set up a Cover Art Fund if you're interested and have any bits lying around! How I ALMOST Robbed A BankSaturday Morning Ignore that this is all in pink crayon. I’m out of good Evil Overlord colors and it’s probably going to be a long time before I get new crayons. Mom and Dad said I only owe them twelve bits now because of my allowance. So that’s a good thing. Mom said she has to go and run her ice cream cart today because she needs to make up for not selling ice cream Friday morning because of having to give me an extra bath. Tutti Frutti is playing at a friend’s house and Mom says she doesn’t want me staying in the house without a grownup around because: “I don’t even want to think about what you’d get up to”. I tried to be helpful and told her: “then don’t think about it.” Because grownups don’t have to do things that they don’t want to do. (Dad says this isn’t true. So then what’s the point of being a grown up?!)[I realized today that grownups can just buy cakes whenever they want to. It doesn’t have to be your birthday or anything. So that’s pretty awesome] She didn’t think that advice was as helpful as I did. So she said I needed to go and run errands with Dad. That’s okay. Dad usually lets us stop by Sugar Cube Corner and get a cupcake when we do errands. Maybe I can ask Mr. and Mrs. Cake if they know other ways to get a bakery besides building one or buying one, since they have one already. Getting bits is turning out to be pretty hard to do and involves a lot more getting grounded than I thought it would. Saturday Afternoon This is so great! I learned one of the most awesomest things ever! Banks just give you bits! One of the places I went to with Dad to run errands was to the Ponyville Bank, which I’ve never been to before. Dad said he needed to get some bits to do the other things we needed to do that morning. Like buy more paint. Then I saw him write on a piece of paper how many bits he wanted and give it to the mare behind the counter and tell her his name and she gave him bits! ~~Why does the Apple family even bother selling apples if there’s a place in Ponyville that just gives out bits?~~(I get it now; we can move on) I asked the mare if I could have some bits too, but she said I couldn’t because I’m not a grownup and I don’t have something called an “account” there. So I guess it’s like a secret club and you have to be a member in order to get bits. Only it’s not a very good secret, because there were a lot of ponies there and they didn’t make you say a password or give a secret hoof bump to get in or anything. But then I had an awesome idea and asked if Stupid Diamond Tiara’s dad had an account (I didn’t say the “stupid” part out loud because Dad said I shouldn’t call ponies stupid. I still thought it really hard) and the mare said that every grownup had one. Which, again, didn’t seem like a very secret club if all the grownups were members, but whatever. Dad and I did the other errands and he also got me a cupcake and then we went home. I asked him if I could go play outside and he said yes but reminded me not to go to the apple farm again. I told him I wouldn’t, which was true. Instead I went to the pond because I knew Truffle would be there and I needed a minion for my new plan. I asked Truffle if he wanted to help me get a lot of bits to buy a bakery and he said sure. I didn’t tell him about the part of the plan where I would use the bakery to give ponies cakes so they’d elect me mayor, because I didn’t want him to steal that idea and become mayor before me. Once I had my minion (I didn’t tell him he was my for real minion yet because I didn’t know if he would be after this plan) I got him to help me get the other things we needed to pretend to be Stupid Diamond Tiara’s dad. It mostly went okay. The only real problem happened when we tried to get a fake mustache. I still owed bits and Truffle didn’t have many of his own, so we couldn’t buy one. We weren’t sure how to make one at first but when we were trying to come up with ideas we saw this white cat near the dress store that had a super fluffy tail and we both figured we could use that to make the mustache. It took us a while to catch the cat and Truffle got scratched up pretty bad. I cut some hair off the cat’s tail but then a filly in my class named Sweetie Belle saw us and started yelling at us to stay away from her sister’s cat and basically making a lot of noise. (More like STUPID Belle!)[She’s okay. For a filly] I gave Truffle the hair and told him to run back to the hideout. (We don’t have a for real hideout yet but I figured an Evil Overlord would have one and so I acted like we did. I think he just went home)[We have an Evil Lair now and it’s SO AWESOME!] The filly’s sister who I guess owns the dress shop came out and saw me with the cat and also started yelling at me. (Her name is Rarity)[She also holds grudges for a really long time] Long story short: Mom got called and I got grounded again. Mom said I can’t go near the dress shop or that cat anymore. I’m going to start a list of places I’m not allowed to go anymore so I can keep track and not get grounded again because I forgot. (The list is kind of long now, but that won’t matter once I’m an Evil Overlord) Sunday I learned a lot of things today. (I’ve probably learned way more about the world from my Evil Overlord plans than from school, now that I think about it) The most important thing I learned is that the next time we pretend to be a grownup, I should be the one on top of Truffle, because he’s a lot heavier than I am. (This didn’t make as much of a difference as I thought it would, but at least my back’s not as sore) Other than that, everything was going pretty good at first. At least I thought so. With the big coat and the sunglasses and the fake mustache, Truffle and I looked exactly like a for real grownup! (Maybe try a beard next time?)[Didn’t matter] I also learned that Stupid Diamond Tiara’s dad’s name isn’t: “Diamond Tiara’s Dad”. (It’s Dirty Rich)[Filthy Rich. I don’t know why he got so mad. “Filthy” sounds way worse than “Dirty”] I also also learned that the bank ponies want you to write down numbers on those little slips of paper. Even if I had known that at the time, I didn’t remember the number of bits that Mom said bakeries cost. But however much that number was, I figured the bank had more than that many bits and we could just give them back all of the bits that were left over after buying our bakery. I also also also learned that the mare behind the counter at the bank especially doesn’t like ponies writing down “give me all the bits” on those little pieces of paper. That made her really mad for some reason. I think it was because her job is to make sure that everypony in town can get bits and that if I took all of them then the other grownups couldn’t have any. I didn’t get to tell her about the part where I would bring back the leftover bits before Officer Barns showed up and told me to go with him. Mom was not happy. (Truffle said his mom wasn’t happy too) She promised Officer Barns and the bank ponies that it wouldn’t happen again and then she told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the bank on my own. Or with Truffle. On the way home I heard Mom ask me what she was going to do with me. I thought I was being given a chance to do something fun with her and to not be grounded and suggested we play Candyland. I think I picked the really wrong game because Mom didn’t seem to like that answer and said I was grounded again. (I recently learned what a “rhetorical question” is and understand where I went wrong here. Probably still would have gotten grounded no matter what I said though) I’m probably going to hold off on trying to get the bits for a bakery for a while and work on things an Evil Overlord needs to be a good Evil Overlord. Once I’m done writing this I’m going to draw up my plans for setting up an Evil Lair. Every ~~good~~ (Bad)[Good]{Whichever. You get the idea} Evil Overlord needs a lair where they can work on their Evil Overlord plots. (Truffle and I don’t get to hang out there as often as I thought we would, what with my being grounded a lot and all. It’s still a pretty awesome Evil Lair though) At least while I’m at my Evil Lair I won’t have to walk past stupid Tutti’s stupid grounded sign. Author's Note Thank you so much for reading! As always, a thumbs up and comment are always greatly appreciated I've set up a Cover Art Fund if you're interested and have any bits lying around!
How I ALMOST Became Class PresidentMonday ~~Dear Diary~~, Hello My Loyal Subjects! These are the ~~memories~~ (Mom says it’s “memoirs”. I think somepony misspelled “memories” a long time ago but didn’t want to admit it and created a new word that means the same thing. I’m going to remember to do stuff like that when I’m in charge!) of your Evil Overlord: Lord ~~Milk~~ Dark Chocolate! (Note to self: change later to super cool villain name)[Lord Dark Chocolate!] I’m going to use this journal to record my rise from a lowly blank flank to being the ruler of all of Equestria and the whole world! Because I think it’s important that my subjects have a COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY ACCURATE history of me to study in school. I thought about destroying all the schools when I become an Evil Overlord, because school sucks and I hate it; but then I remembered I’m supposed to be evil, and an Evil Overlord would totally make colts and fillies do things that suck like go to to school. Grown-ups too. I’ll make grown-ups go to school too so that it also sucks to be a grown-up. I'm also going to give them stupid bedtimes! Anyway, at this point in my TOTALLY AWESOME AND INSPIRING STORY of my rise to greatness, I’m still just a blank flank. Which is okay. Everypony starts out as a blank flank, and it means that I have a lot of time to practice being a great Evil Overlord and see which of my evil plans works best! My name is: ~~Milk~~ Dark Chocolate (I said this already. Oh well…) and I live in Ponyville. This will be the first place I conquer on my rise to power, but that will have to wait until after I get my Cutie Mark. I tried to take it over already once, but Mayor Mare said only grown-ups can run for mayor. (I double-checked with Mom that this was a real rule and not just a lie Mayor Mare told me to keep me from conquering the town. It is. Drat) I won’t describe what I look like, because obviously by now you’ve seen my statues everywhere since I’m going to put them all over every town. Posters too. It’ll be a rule that every bedroom needs my poster in it and it has to be the ~~biggest~~ poster. (It’s the only poster!)[Well, maybe Power Ponies posters are okay too, because they’re cool]{No Power Ponies posters! Because I’m evil!} Now, I’m sure all of you want to know why I wanted to become an “Evil Overlord”, and not, like, a “Good” one or something. That’s easy: Because there already is a Good Overlord! (Mom says I shouldn’t call Princess Celestia an “overlord”, even a good one. Sorry Princess Celestia!)[Nevermind. Evil Overlords aren’t sorry for things. Need to remember that…] Being a second Good Overlord wouldn’t be a very special talent. So I have to be an evil one! Like Nightmare Moon. Well, maybe not exactly like Nightmare Moon, on account of she got banished to the moon and I don’t want to be banished to the moon because I don’t like heights a lot. Or the dark. I’m not afraid of the dark (Super not afraid!), because Evil Overlords aren’t afraid of anything! I just don’t like it. And Evil Overlords don’t have to do things that they don’t like. (Note to self: Make it a law that anypony who says I’m afraid of the dark goes to jail) I also don’t want to have to eat foals either. Especially not fillies because ~~they’re icky!~~ (Some of them are okay. I guess…) So I’m going to be ~~better~~ than Nightmare Moon! (Worse!)[Better!!]{Note to self: ask Mom if there’s a word for “being better at being bad”} First, I have to get my Cutie Mark in being evil. Or overlording. (Mom says that’s not a word, but I don’t care. I’m making it one like the “memoirs” pony probably did) Whichever mark means I’ll be good at taking over and ruling Equestria. And maybe the rest of the world too. I’m not really sure yet if I want to rule the whole world. That sounds like a lot of work. But it would mean more statues and posters of me, which I like the idea of. ~~So maybe. I’ll think about it.~~ (Griffons are mean and stupid and dumb and I don’t want to rule them!) So I’m going to try being evil first and let you guys know how it goes! Tuesday It did not go well. Miss Cheerilee put me in Time Out for most of the day and told my Mom. For the record: telling your Mom you only spat spitballs at the filly in front of you in class because you’re trying to get your Cutie Mark doesn’t get you out of being grounded. Drat. So, because trying to be evil is probably just going to get me in Time Out and grounded a lot, I’ve decided to work on being an overlord first. Thinking about it, that’s probably the more important part of being an “Evil Overlord” anyway. I mean, anypony can be evil. That part’s easy. You just need a straw, spit, and pieces of paper. Ruling over someplace? Well, there’s only one princess, so that’s probably a pretty hard thing to do if there’s only one of them. If becoming a princess was easy, then there’d be a whole bunch of them! (I guess it’s easier than I thought?! There’s like five now! None of them are evil though, so I’ll still be special) I already know I can’t take over the town because I’m not a grown-up, but while I was in Time Out today Miss Cheerilee announced that we’d be electing class presidents this week. I didn’t know they’d let one of us become president of the whole class! This is a perfect opportunity! I can use ruling over the school as practice for ruling the town! My first act will be putting Miss Cheerilee in Time Out and see how she likes it! Then I’ll make my being evil allowed by the rules so I can get my Cutie Mark without getting Time Outs. We’re supposed to come up with campaign speeches and stuff to convince our classmates to vote for us. I probably shouldn’t mention in my speech that I want to be class president so that I can be their Evil Overlord? I don’t think any of them want that. But maybe they’ll vote for me if I promise to put Miss Cheerilee in Time Out for giving us so much homework. I’ll also promise to get rid of homework forever. Then, after they vote for me, I'll make it so I don't have to do homework, but everypony else does! Because an Evil Overlord wouldn’t keep their promises! As long as they don’t make me Pinkie Swear about the homework thing. You’re not allowed to break those. I’m really excited and I’m going to get started on my campaign speech right now! You know, because I’m grounded in my room and don’t have anything else to do. Well, except the homework Miss Cheerilee gave us. But I’m not going to do that because I’m going to make me doing homework not a thing when I’m elected anyway! All hail President ~~Milk~~ Dark Chocolate! (I’m not going to change any of the ones after this one. It’s a lot of work. Just replace “Milk” with “Dark” on your own from now on) Wednesday Miss Cheerilee put me in Time Out again for promising to put her in Time Out. Then she gave me detention for not doing my homework. I didn’t remember that we weren’t voting for class president until tomorrow. Drat. I’m also grounded again for not doing my homework and saying I’d put my teacher in Time Out. Double Drat. On the way back home after detention, I heard Mom say that it was going to be a “long week”. I didn’t know that was a thing. I thought all of the weeks were the same number of days. To me this just proves that Miss Cheerilee is not a good teacher and deserves detention, since she never taught us about some weeks being longer than others. (Okay, well I know now that it’s just an expression. Miss Cheerilee still deserves a Time Out though) Still, I think I have a good chance of being elected class president anyway. Which will mean not having to worry about Time Outs or detentions ever again after today! (So, I learned the definition of the word “irony” today…) I’ll probably still have to worry about being grounded by Mom, since I'm not being elected "House President" (I asked Mom, she said that's not a thing. Another Drat), but if I’m making all of the rules at school then it means I can make it so I’m not breaking any of them and not get grounded for breaking school rules. So it should work out. Hail President Milk Chocolate! (Glad I’m not changing these anymore. I write my name a lot in this thing…) Even though I’m going to make it so I don’t have to do my homework when I’m the president tomorrow, I still have to do my homework tonight. Mom says she’s going to check from now on to make sure I do it. Triple Drat. Thursday That election was rigged! Diamond Tiara bought all of the votes by bringing in a cake and giving pieces to anypony who voted for her! Elections are stupid! When I become the Evil Overlord of Equestria, I’m going to outlaw elections! And also outlaw cakes with stupid Diamond Tiara’s stupid face on them! But it’s also not a bad idea, so I’m going to remember to promise to buy everypony cakes when I grow up and run for mayor of Ponyville. Then I’ll outlaw elections so I can’t be unelected later by somepony with a better cake. (I’ll also outlaw cake because I’m evil! But I still get to have cake because cake is awesome!) I did my homework, but didn’t bring it to school because I thought I’d be elected the class president. So I got detention and grounded again. Drat. Mom says she’s going to check my saddlebags before I go to school now to make sure I have everything. I’m going to have to make sure to hide my spitball straw. Today wasn't totally horrible though. I got to eat some really tasty cake! Friday Well, it turns out that being class president wouldn’t have been so great anyway. All you do is take morning attendance. You don’t actually get to run the school or make any rules or put Miss Cheerilee in Time Out. I guess you get to wear a neat sash too? I don’t know if that was an “official” class president thing because Miss Cheerilee told Diamond Tiara to take it off when she saw it. It looked cool though, ~~so I’m going to make a sash part of my Evil Overlord clothes~~. (Nah, a cape is cooler)[Using both is cooler!] I did learn a lot from this experience though! I learned that you shouldn’t promise to put your teacher in a Time Out when they’re listening to your speech, because they’ll just put you in Time Out first. I also learned that using cake to get votes in an election is extremely effective. (Bits work too, but it’s harder to get a lot of those and you can just bake a cake at home) So even though my first plan to become an Evil Overlord didn’t go exactly how I wanted it to, I will remember these lessons and I will figure out how to use what I learned to make my next attempt go even better! I also learned that Mom is really good at finding spitball straws in my saddlebags. (Note to self: get a replacement straw)[Maybe a smaller one that’s easier to hide?]{Definitely a smaller one that’s easier to hide…} So I am also grounded again… Drat. Author's Note So, trying something pretty different from my usual stuff (feels weird not to add a "Dark" or "Violence" tag...). This project will update sporadically, but I hope you guys still swing by from time to time to follow along with Milk's—I'm sorry, Dark's—rise to power and glory! In case it's confusing to any readers, the colored writing represents "notes in the margins" or "corrections between lines" that Milk/Dark has made later on to his original entries. Purple is notes he's made a day or two after initial writing, Red for a few months later, and Green for a couple years later. Thank you so much for reading! As always, a thumbs up and comment are always greatly appreciated I've set up a Cover Art Fund if you're interested and have any bits lying around!
How I ALMOST Became A River PirateSaturday (My subjects, before you judge your Evil Overlord, just remember that if you’re reading this, I did still end up becoming your Evil Overlord! Anypony who laughs will go straight to jail! That being said, what follows is not your Evil Overlord’s proudest moment…) Okay, so obviously getting elected to things is a little harder than I thought. You can’t just promise to put your teacher in Time Out and that ponies won’t get homework anymore. You either need to have a lot of tasty cake to give to ponies to make them vote for you, or you need ponies to like you more than cake. And I don’t think that second part is possible. (This wet spot on the page isn’t from me drooling thinking about cake and anypony who says it is is a liar!) So to become president or mayor or whatever, I’m going to need to get enough cake to give some to everypony in Ponyville. I asked Mrs. Cake how much it would cost to get enough cakes for everypony in town and she laughed and said it would cost me fewer bits to open my own bakery. I asked Mom if I could have a bakery for my next birthday and she told me no. I asked if I could have it instead of the Mistress Mare-velous action figure I asked for before and she still said no. So I asked her how I could get a bakery and she told me I would either have to buy one or build one myself. I’m not so good with tools, so I asked her how much a bakery would cost to buy. I don’t think the number she said was one of those made-up numbers like “bajillion” or pie (everypony knows pies are food and not numbers, duh!)[We learned in class today it’s “pi” and it’s real, but I still think it’s stupid. I’ll outlaw it when I become an Evil Overlord] but I can’t count to the number she said, so I don’t think I have that many bits in my piggy bank, because it has seven bits and I can count that. She will not give me an advance on my allowance either. I hadn’t actually asked her for that yet when she said that. I asked how she knew I was going to ask and she said: “Mom magic”. Unicorn powers are crazy; I didn’t even see her horn light up that time! When I asked her how many bits I’d get for my baby teeth she told me: “Not nearly enough, so don’t even think about it!” Then she told me to go play outside and that I’d better still have all my teeth in my mouth when I came back or I’d be grounded again. But it’s okay, because when I went outside I saw the river that runs through the middle of Ponyville and I had an ~~awesome~~ idea!(Well, it was an idea anyway) See, I was thinking about ways to get lots of bits, and when I saw the water I remembered that pirates have so many bits that they need to bury them on islands in big huge boxes! I don’t actually know why pirates bury their bits (All these years later, and I still don’t, to be honest…) but that’s not the important part. The important part is that if they need big boxes that are even bigger than me to fit all those bits, then that has to be more bits than a bakery costs, right?! So all I need to do to get the bits I need for the bakery is to become a pirate and plunder Ponyville! (Well, plunder somewhere, anyway) If Mom isn’t going to give me bits for a bakery, she’s probably not going to give me bits for a boat either. So I’ll either have to build one or steal one, but I don’t know who in Ponyville has a boat that I could steal. I’ll have to try and build my own. On the bright side, since there aren’t any other boats in Ponyville, I’ll definitely have the biggest and most powerful boat in town even if it’s not super well made. I asked Dad if I could use his tools and he said I could BUT I could only use them if he was there to watch me so he could make sure I didn’t hurt myself. That was probably a good idea since, like I said: I’m not so good with tools. But I also didn’t want him to see me building my pirate ship because he might try and stop me when he found out I was going to use it to plunder Ponyville. He’d probably stop me even if I Pinkie Sweared not to plunder him and Mom. (Tutti Frutti was going to get SUPER plundered though!) So I wasn’t going to be able to use his tools. But that’s okay, because when I walked by the pond, I saw this other colt from class. His name is Truffle and he’s pretty cool! (Note to self: Keep Truffle in mind as a possible future minion) He was playing with a little boat that he’d made out of paper. He said you don’t need tools to make them and showed me how to fold it. Dad doesn’t have to watch me if I build my boat just by folding paper! Tomorrow, I’m going to grab the extra big newspaper that gets delivered, build myself a massive pirate ship and sail up and down the Ponyville river plundering the town! Then I’ll have the bits I need to buy a bakery and I can bake all the cakes I need to win an election! (I know I’m still not old enough to run for mayor, but I figure it’ll take me a while to bake enough cakes for everypony in town anyway. By then the townsponies will also have forgotten that I’m the one that plundered them and still vote for me) Sunday (Remember, my loyal subjects: Laughing = jail!) First off, I want to start by pointing out that Mom was wrong and last week wasn’t any longer than the other weeks. So I think she got her weeks mixed up. All I’m saying is: Mom can make mistakes too! (As I mentioned before, I now know this was an expression. Moving on) So anyway, on to reviewing my plan to plunder Ponyville for bits to buy a bakery to bake cakes to get votes to become mayor: (I still believe this is a workable plan)[Still working on it!]{If you're reading this, I assume it worked} It didn’t work. The details why aren’t important. What is important is learning from ~~mistakes~~. (Miscalculations. Your Evil Overlord does not make “mistakes”. Just rounding errors) The biggest ~~mistake~~ (Miscalculation) was that pirate ships can really only plunder other ships. Since I was the only ship in the river, well…there wasn’t anything to plunder except for myself. And I only had seven bits. My next ~~mistake~~ (MISCALCULATION!) was not realizing that, while paper boats float pretty good even when they’re made bigger, they only float when there isn’t a pony in them. When there is a pony in them, they sink pretty fast. (Lucky for me the river wasn’t very deep) I also learned three new words today: ~~Lidderan~~ (Mom says it’s spelled “liTTerING”, but that's not how it sounded when Officer Barns said it) which is when you throw trash on the ground. And also the water too. I also learned that newspapers are “trash” when you put them on the ground or in the water. (But not when the newspony throws them on the ground in front of the house in the morning I guess for some reason?)[I need to remember to warn Truffle about putting his boats in the pond in case Officer Barns sees him]. Another word I learned is: ~~Ornince~~ (Ordinance) which is like a rule, but it’s for the whole town and it’s things you shouldn’t do. I also learned: ~~Sigh-tayshun~~ (Citation) which Officer Barns said was like a reverse allowance, but I don’t think that’s quite right because one ~~sigh-tayshun~~(citation) was way more than my weekly allowance. In my defense, I would have had the five bits Officer Barns told me I owed; except that when I realized I was going to be the only pony in a ship on the river, I had to run back home and get my bits so that there’d be something for me to plunder. I mean, I’d have been a pretty bad pirate if I came back home from pirating with no bits at all, right?! But when my ship sank I lost my bits in the river. So I couldn’t give Officer Barns any bits and he had to talk to Mom and Dad. Long story short: I’m not allowed to build giant paper pirate ships anymore and I owe Mom and Dad five bits. I am also grounded…again. Drat. (Now that I’m better with tools, I could probably build a boat that actually floats with me in it and try this again. It couldn’t go any worse than this first time!)[Yes it could. I’m going to outlaw boats] Author's Note Thank you so much for reading! As always, a thumbs up and comment are always greatly appreciated I've set up a Cover Art Fund if you're interested and have any bits lying around!
How I ALMOST Stole Sweet Apple AcresMonday Morning Tutti Frutti put a piece of paper on her bedroom door yesterday that said: “Days Since Last Milk Grounding” with a “0” under it in permanent marker. I asked her if she was really going to make a new paper to hang on her door every day with a different number. She told me she knew she wouldn’t have to make other papers. She thinks she’s so funny. I’ll show her! (Eventually)[It took longer than I’m willing to admit] On the bright side, being grounded in my room all day gave me a lot of time to come up with new ways to become an Evil Overlord! After my boat sank, I spent hours drawing up my next plan. (Note to self: ask Mom for more crayons) I still think the bakery idea is a good one. I just need to get bits a different way since being a pirate won’t work. While Officer Barns was taking me home, I saw that orange mare with the hat from the apple farm. She had a cart full of apples and ponies were walking up to her and giving her bits for apples. That was when I had an awesome idea to get bits for the bakery: I can sell ponies apples! It’s not hard to get apples, I see them in the trees of the apple farm all the time. So my new plan is to walk to the farm before school, get some apples, and then sell them to the other students at lunch. This plan is so simple that nothing could go wrong! Monday Afternoon I found out today that the orange mare who sells apples in town has a little sister that’s in my class. I also found out that I’m not supposed to just take apples off the trees at their farm. It’s stealing. (But that’s okay because I think an Evil Overlord would steal things)[I Really need to stop getting caught until I actually become their Evil Overlord though] Miss Cheerilee put me in Time Out and told Mom. Grounded again. Coming up with a new plan right now. Tuesday My new plan to paint the apples and sell “oranges” did not work. Time Out. Detention. Grounded. You get the idea. (Stupid Tutti and her stupid paper) I think Miss Cheerilee and the apple mare’s sister (Her name is Applebloom)[Her name should be AppleSTUPID!] are suspicious of me selling things in school now. So instead of painting the apples again tomorrow and trying to sell “bananas” I’m going to come up with a new plan so that they don’t know I’m selling apples: I’m going to wear a disguise. They’ll never suspect it was me, their future Evil Overlord Milk Chocolate! Wednesday They suspected it was me. I guess I should have known the plan wouldn’t work. That’s on me. I forgot about how the orange apple mare (Her name is Applejack, which I didn’t know. That was probably also a clue I wasn’t the real apple pony, since I called myself “Orange Apple Mare”) always wears a hat. I’ll remember that for next time. Time Out. Detention. Grounded. (I should come up with a shorter way to write this to save crayons. I'm writing it way more than I expected to)[You and me both, Past Milk]{I just say: "I was foiled" now...} Also Mom wasn’t happy that I’d painted myself orange. Dad wasn’t happy that I used all his orange paint without telling him. Dad said something about me being “double grounded” for that which sounded kind of scary at first but feels a lot like being regular grounded. Mom and Dad said I owe them fifteen bits now. I decided not to ask them for the new crayons yet. Tutti Frutti did change her paper though. Now it has a “-1” on it. Stupid Tutti. Thursday I didn’t take apples from the farm this morning. Mostly because Dad put a lock on the shed and so I couldn’t get the paint I needed to make “bananas”. Instead I did spying stuff so I could make a better plan on how to get the apples. Walking in and taking them was just getting me Time Outs and grounded all the time, but if the farm ponies just gave me the apples, then that wasn’t stealing and I couldn’t get in trouble! Obviously I couldn’t pretend to be the orange apple mare when I asked them for the apples. I still didn’t have a hat. I need to pretend to be some other pony. That was when I learned that the orange apple mare had a ~~Mom too just like me~~! (Applebloom says she’s their grandma, not their mom) If I pretend to be that pony, then I can just tell the orange mare to give me the apples and she will and it won’t be stealing and I can sell them at school! I can’t get green paint because the shed is locked so I’ll need to find another way to color myself. I can’t use crayons to do it because I’m running out. I’ll ask Mom for more tomorrow after I sell the apples at lunch and give her the bits I owe. I do have one idea on how to make myself green that should work and not cost any bits. I remember from when I was at the pond with Truffle and his paper boat that there was a place where there was green slime floating on top. I can just cover myself with that and the orange apple mare won’t be able to tell the difference! I also already took the little blanket from on top of the table by the couch to tie around my neck like the old apple mare was wearing. I’m glad she wasn’t wearing a hat too. This will be so easy! Because I didn’t try to sell stolen fruit at school, I didn’t get any Time Outs or detention today. Which means I also didn’t get grounded! I’m still going to mostly stay in my room and work on my Evil Overlord plans though. Tutti put the paper with the “0” on it back on her door. I told her she can’t use any of my crayons to make a paper with a “1” on it tomorrow. She said she knows she won’t need to make a new paper. I’ll show her! Friday I didn’t show her. I think my plan would have worked except that the orange apple mare wasn’t there this morning. I don’t know where she was, but instead there was a big red stallion outside with the apple trees. (Applebloom’s brother Big Mac) I knew I had a pretty good costume on though, so I walked onto the farm anyway and told him that I was the Apple Mom (I now know she’s actually their grandma and her name is Granny Smith but I’m not going to waste crayon changing it every time)[Still not sure if “Granny” is part of her actual name or not] and that he needed to give me some apples. Where I think I went wrong was that in the middle of saying that, I had an idea that, since I was the Apple Mom, I could just ask for all the apples. So I told the big red stallion that I changed my mind and he had to bring me all of the apples from all of the apple trees. (I don't actually regret this. Real Evil Overlords should think big!) He told me no. That was actually all that he said: “Nope”. And then he scooted me off the farm. He’s very strong. (Maybe good minion material?)[I asked if he wanted to help me rule Equestria and he said “Nope”. Oh well. His loss] That was when Applebloom came outside to go to school. Somehow she knew I wasn’t really the old mare either. Probably because the real old mare was standing at the front door of their house right then waving goodbye to her. She told me I smelled and that I couldn’t walk to school with her. I did kind of smell a little bit because of the green stuff from the pond. I also didn’t want to walk to school with an icky filly anyway! (Certainly not AppleSTUPID!)[I’d walk with Sweetie though]{On second thought, this doesn’t need to be in here. Ignore it. Your Evil Overlord Dark Chocolate commands it or you go to jail!} Applebloom told Miss Cheerilee what I tried to do and she told my Mom. I didn’t get a for real Time Out, but I wasn’t allowed inside the school because of the smell from the stuff from the pond. Mom wasn’t happy about having to leave her ice cream cart to come and get me to give me a bath before bringing me back to school. I didn’t get a detention for missing classes in the morning, or grounded for being smelly at least. Since I didn’t actually get any apples, I wasn’t in trouble for that either but Mom did tell me to stop going to the farm without her or Dad with me. Mom asked me where I got the blanket around my neck from and when I told her she said it was from Dad’s mom and was something called an “~~air loom~~” (heirloom) and not a toy and it was older than even she was and I wasn’t supposed to touch it again. So I did get grounded for messing up Dad’s table blanket. Drat. I didn’t ask her for new crayons. Author's Note Thank you so much for reading! As always, a thumbs up and comment are always greatly appreciated I've set up a Cover Art Fund if you're interested and have any bits lying around!
How I ALMOST Robbed A BankSaturday Morning Ignore that this is all in pink crayon. I’m out of good Evil Overlord colors and it’s probably going to be a long time before I get new crayons. Mom and Dad said I only owe them twelve bits now because of my allowance. So that’s a good thing. Mom said she has to go and run her ice cream cart today because she needs to make up for not selling ice cream Friday morning because of having to give me an extra bath. Tutti Frutti is playing at a friend’s house and Mom says she doesn’t want me staying in the house without a grownup around because: “I don’t even want to think about what you’d get up to”. I tried to be helpful and told her: “then don’t think about it.” Because grownups don’t have to do things that they don’t want to do. (Dad says this isn’t true. So then what’s the point of being a grown up?!)[I realized today that grownups can just buy cakes whenever they want to. It doesn’t have to be your birthday or anything. So that’s pretty awesome] She didn’t think that advice was as helpful as I did. So she said I needed to go and run errands with Dad. That’s okay. Dad usually lets us stop by Sugar Cube Corner and get a cupcake when we do errands. Maybe I can ask Mr. and Mrs. Cake if they know other ways to get a bakery besides building one or buying one, since they have one already. Getting bits is turning out to be pretty hard to do and involves a lot more getting grounded than I thought it would. Saturday Afternoon This is so great! I learned one of the most awesomest things ever! Banks just give you bits! One of the places I went to with Dad to run errands was to the Ponyville Bank, which I’ve never been to before. Dad said he needed to get some bits to do the other things we needed to do that morning. Like buy more paint. Then I saw him write on a piece of paper how many bits he wanted and give it to the mare behind the counter and tell her his name and she gave him bits! ~~Why does the Apple family even bother selling apples if there’s a place in Ponyville that just gives out bits?~~(I get it now; we can move on) I asked the mare if I could have some bits too, but she said I couldn’t because I’m not a grownup and I don’t have something called an “account” there. So I guess it’s like a secret club and you have to be a member in order to get bits. Only it’s not a very good secret, because there were a lot of ponies there and they didn’t make you say a password or give a secret hoof bump to get in or anything. But then I had an awesome idea and asked if Stupid Diamond Tiara’s dad had an account (I didn’t say the “stupid” part out loud because Dad said I shouldn’t call ponies stupid. I still thought it really hard) and the mare said that every grownup had one. Which, again, didn’t seem like a very secret club if all the grownups were members, but whatever. Dad and I did the other errands and he also got me a cupcake and then we went home. I asked him if I could go play outside and he said yes but reminded me not to go to the apple farm again. I told him I wouldn’t, which was true. Instead I went to the pond because I knew Truffle would be there and I needed a minion for my new plan. I asked Truffle if he wanted to help me get a lot of bits to buy a bakery and he said sure. I didn’t tell him about the part of the plan where I would use the bakery to give ponies cakes so they’d elect me mayor, because I didn’t want him to steal that idea and become mayor before me. Once I had my minion (I didn’t tell him he was my for real minion yet because I didn’t know if he would be after this plan) I got him to help me get the other things we needed to pretend to be Stupid Diamond Tiara’s dad. It mostly went okay. The only real problem happened when we tried to get a fake mustache. I still owed bits and Truffle didn’t have many of his own, so we couldn’t buy one. We weren’t sure how to make one at first but when we were trying to come up with ideas we saw this white cat near the dress store that had a super fluffy tail and we both figured we could use that to make the mustache. It took us a while to catch the cat and Truffle got scratched up pretty bad. I cut some hair off the cat’s tail but then a filly in my class named Sweetie Belle saw us and started yelling at us to stay away from her sister’s cat and basically making a lot of noise. (More like STUPID Belle!)[She’s okay. For a filly] I gave Truffle the hair and told him to run back to the hideout. (We don’t have a for real hideout yet but I figured an Evil Overlord would have one and so I acted like we did. I think he just went home)[We have an Evil Lair now and it’s SO AWESOME!] The filly’s sister who I guess owns the dress shop came out and saw me with the cat and also started yelling at me. (Her name is Rarity)[She also holds grudges for a really long time] Long story short: Mom got called and I got grounded again. Mom said I can’t go near the dress shop or that cat anymore. I’m going to start a list of places I’m not allowed to go anymore so I can keep track and not get grounded again because I forgot. (The list is kind of long now, but that won’t matter once I’m an Evil Overlord) Sunday I learned a lot of things today. (I’ve probably learned way more about the world from my Evil Overlord plans than from school, now that I think about it) The most important thing I learned is that the next time we pretend to be a grownup, I should be the one on top of Truffle, because he’s a lot heavier than I am. (This didn’t make as much of a difference as I thought it would, but at least my back’s not as sore) Other than that, everything was going pretty good at first. At least I thought so. With the big coat and the sunglasses and the fake mustache, Truffle and I looked exactly like a for real grownup! (Maybe try a beard next time?)[Didn’t matter] I also learned that Stupid Diamond Tiara’s dad’s name isn’t: “Diamond Tiara’s Dad”. (It’s Dirty Rich)[Filthy Rich. I don’t know why he got so mad. “Filthy” sounds way worse than “Dirty”] I also also learned that the bank ponies want you to write down numbers on those little slips of paper. Even if I had known that at the time, I didn’t remember the number of bits that Mom said bakeries cost. But however much that number was, I figured the bank had more than that many bits and we could just give them back all of the bits that were left over after buying our bakery. I also also also learned that the mare behind the counter at the bank especially doesn’t like ponies writing down “give me all the bits” on those little pieces of paper. That made her really mad for some reason. I think it was because her job is to make sure that everypony in town can get bits and that if I took all of them then the other grownups couldn’t have any. I didn’t get to tell her about the part where I would bring back the leftover bits before Officer Barns showed up and told me to go with him. Mom was not happy. (Truffle said his mom wasn’t happy too) She promised Officer Barns and the bank ponies that it wouldn’t happen again and then she told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the bank on my own. Or with Truffle. On the way home I heard Mom ask me what she was going to do with me. I thought I was being given a chance to do something fun with her and to not be grounded and suggested we play Candyland. I think I picked the really wrong game because Mom didn’t seem to like that answer and said I was grounded again. (I recently learned what a “rhetorical question” is and understand where I went wrong here. Probably still would have gotten grounded no matter what I said though) I’m probably going to hold off on trying to get the bits for a bakery for a while and work on things an Evil Overlord needs to be a good Evil Overlord. Once I’m done writing this I’m going to draw up my plans for setting up an Evil Lair. Every ~~good~~ (Bad)[Good]{Whichever. You get the idea} Evil Overlord needs a lair where they can work on their Evil Overlord plots. (Truffle and I don’t get to hang out there as often as I thought we would, what with my being grounded a lot and all. It’s still a pretty awesome Evil Lair though) At least while I’m at my Evil Lair I won’t have to walk past stupid Tutti’s stupid grounded sign. Author's Note Thank you so much for reading! As always, a thumbs up and comment are always greatly appreciated I've set up a Cover Art Fund if you're interested and have any bits lying around!
