Progress

by The Wizard of Words

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Sad, Romance, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6
Length: 21957

It's easy to lose sight of how far you've come when all you can see are the mistakes of the past. What happens when Twilight finds herself trapped, knowing that for every thing she's done right, she's done something else wrong?

Progress: (verb); to proceed closer to one's destination or goal.
It's usually intuitive for us to judge how close we are to something, how much further we have to go. But for others, data and numbers are a comforting reminder that progress is being made. But what if the numbers say something different? What if you're not growing closer to your goal, but straying farther from it?

Prior to Season 3
Story one in my Twidash Challenge: Sad Theme

Published 2012-10-05 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-13 07:07:16 UTC

Every Step Backwards...

It was supposed to be a joke. I swear that’s all I wanted it to be. How was I supposed to know that this would happen? Am I supposed to be able to predict how everyone thinks? I thought she would enjoy it, or at least laugh about it. I-I-I didn’t want this, never!

I mean, she did enjoy it! She liked it! When I gave it to her she was smiling. Smiling!

Please, please believe me this is the farthest thing from what I wanted. She’s my friend, my best friend, my… I… I can’t do this. I just can’t do this. Can’t you understand?

It’s not like giving Pinkie a shock or accidentally burning one of Applejack’s trees. Hay, I’d prefer making Fluttershy watch me kill a fly than having this happen. They could forgive me then, we could move on. But this… this is beyond that! E-Everything I do, I say, I try and make clear just comes out as more proof, more evidence.

She’s the most amazing pony I’ve ever seen, and I’ve… I-I didn’t want this, I just didn’t! Please forgive me… please…

I’ll… I’ll tell you everything. Really! I’ll tell you everything I did! I’ll tell you how this is all my fault, I’ll tell you why she’s like this. I’ll tell you it all!

Just please… please forgive me…

It was Hearth’s Warming Eve, a fresh coat of snow on the ground. The feathers in my wings had started to lose some of their luster, the annual molting fast approaching. I saw Fluttershy in a similar situation as me, but she didn’t fly nearly as often as I do. She didn’t mind being grounded for a week or two, three tops. To me, that sounded like the natural progression of a torture session.

It was every winter to be honest, but that doesn’t mean I grew used to it. Even if flying in the cold wasn’t good for me, it still felt good, reminded me that I was still Rainbow Dash, fastest pegasus in Equestria. Besides, it never did any kind of damage. The only fear was molting wings while in the air. I may have had a few rough landings in my life, but falling straight from the sky to the ground wouldn’t be a fun experience for anypony.

Anyways, the rest of the girls and I were having a trip to the spa, warming our frigged hooves is what Rarity called it. She and Fluttershy had the works. Manicure, pedicure, mud bath, sauna, everything. It wasn’t the cold that made me shiver as I watched them. Applejack opted for just a mud bath and sauna with Pinkie Pie, that left just Twilight and I. Honestly, I just wanted to get in the baths and stay warm, but Twilight talked me into getting just one thing done on me. Face mask.

I grimaced the entire experience. Feeling the puffy cream sit on my face and being told not to move. It was torture. I couldn’t even count the dots on the ceiling with the sliced vegetables over my eyes. You know that itch you just can’t reach? Yeah, exact same thing. It was a blessing from Luna when I finally took that stuff off. I ate the cucumbers as protest. It was a satisfying victory.

The baths, however, made that torture worth it. Living in a cloud home during the winter really is about as bad as anypony can expect it to be. It isn’t as high as Cloudsdale, so the wind can still get to me relatively easily. Believe me when I say nothing in Equestria compares to having warm water wash over frigid wings, frigid from the cold at least.

Anyways, the rest of the girls started talking about what they were doing for Hearth’s Warming Eve. Most of them were going to spend their times giving gifts away. It’s what they’ve done every year, all of us have. It’s a pretty cool feeling, shaking the box to guess what some pony got you.

But then Twilight had an idea.

Instead of everypony getting something for each other, we could pull a Secret Celestia. It must have been a unicorn tradition, because Rarity started giggling in joy while the rest of us were completely lost. Twilight sighed when she saw our confusion. She sighs a lot.

Apparently, what’s supposed to happen is each of us pulls a name out of a hat, and whoever we draw, we have to get a gift for them. So in the end, none of us would know who was getting a gift for whom, except for who we were supposed to get a gift for. I had to admit, it sounded like fun. I know Pinkie liked the idea, because she started listing off a thousand different party names for it.

We laughed, Twilight laughed.

After that, we all finished up our time at the spa, said our goodbyes and agreed to meet up sometime tomorrow for the event.

We all met at the library, the unofficial headquarters for us. It was the place where we first all came together, the first time all six of us were in the same room. Now, it seemed like we came here on an almost daily basis.

Rarity, the ever proper mare, got a hat for us to throw our names into. Twilight, to absolutely no surprise to me, made sure we all had paper of similar shape, size, and texture, so we couldn’t try and find a name to get a gift for. It was apparently against the rules to get a gift for somepony you wanted to get a gift for. Funny, but I didn’t laugh.

We each took turns drawing from the hat, Twilight going first. She drew the name out of the hat with a bit of her magic, and I swear I saw her eyes glowing in joy. I couldn’t help but ask who she got. Of course, she said it was a secret. One by one, we took turns drawing from the hat. Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, than me.

My hoof pulled out the last parchment of paper, folded perfectly in half without a single mismarked crease. I knew who’s it was in a second.

Pinkie Pie didn’t waste any time heading out to go shopping, promising that she had to get a gift that would keep somepony smiling for the entire day. Fluttershy followed after her. Applejack left next with a tip of her hat, followed by Rarity collecting her own hat before heading out the door. I looked to Twilight, her eyes beaming with joy, no doubt from pride as her idea took off so well.

With that same smile, she asked me if I had any ideas for my gift yet. Honestly, now I had none. The mare I had gotten already had everything I could possibly think of. When I told her, she shook her hoof, smile never fading.

“Don’t worry,” she said to me, “I’m sure you’ll find something great for whoever you got.” With that, she turned towards the door, walking out with a bounce in her trot. Now I was smiling too. My wings flared and I took off, ready to find the perfect Hearth’s Warming Gift for the friend I had.

Twilight Sparkle.

As it turns out, finding a gift for a single pony is hard.

I must have flown by and in at least a couple dozen shops before I realized that no ideas were coming to me. I knew Twilight was right, on some scale, that I’d be able to think of the perfect gift for her, even if she didn’t know that the gift was going to be for her. But still, I couldn’t find anything.

I looked from shop to shop, trying to have anything spark in my mind as the perfect gift. I didn’t have the bits for jewelry, not like I’d know what to get here from a place like that anyways.

She hated things being placed on her horn, or so it was made obvious whenever Rarity tried to tie anything around it. Speaking of which, she definitely wouldn’t dare wear anything unless it was made by Rarity. Probably afraid of offending her. While on the thought, I’m also pretty sure she wouldn’t touch a sweet unless it came from Pinkie Pie either.

The possibilities of finding a good gift sank lower and lower. What could I get to guarantee a good Hearth’s Warming Eve for Twilight? What could she possibly receive that she would enjoy, shriek in joy, and give me a big hug in thanks, the last part optional.

By the shining horn of Celestia’s might, I swear I felt the wind slap me silly.

Books. I had to find a book for Twilight.

It was almost too obvious that she would enjoy any book somepony gave to her. She reads anything from books as cool as Daring Do to pages as nerdy as quanto… quananiou… nerd books, you get that. Getting a book for her would doubtlessly make the unicorn’s Hearth’s Warming Eve. What was it that Pinkie had said? Get a gift that would make the other pony smile for the entire day. Yeah, a book would definitely do that for Twilight.

Now what kind of book would be good? It couldn’t be anything from her library, cause she’d already have it then, obviously. But there’s no way I can go in and ask for every book she has, that would be insanely obvious. And that was a challenge. Finding a book that Twilight didn’t have without knowing what she did have.

I took to look for the few bookstores in town, not including the Library. They carried the latest novels on their shelves, a few standing on top of the wooden displays with their bindings opened for them to stand straight. They were mostly things I’d enjoy though. A few Daring Do books I’ve already read, Captain Coltossus, Harry Plotter, things like that. Action, adventure, fantasy, nothing scientific or in depth.

Yeah, Twilight could read that stuff, but chances are she already has. I can remember as clear as my first Sonic Rainboom how she blew through the latest Daring Do book in a couple of hours before letting me have my turn. It took me a couple weeks to finish. Something that lasted only a few minutes for her wouldn’t be anything close to a day’s worth of enjoyment. It had to be one of two things, either really long or really complicated.

I still couldn’t find anything though, three stores down and I couldn’t find a single book long enough for her or anything I couldn’t understand. If it was something I could follow, it probably wouldn’t be anything too hard for Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic.

I let out a bitter laugh. She was definitely one of the smartest ponies in the herd, but oh pony feathers, was she also the densest. She fell victim to even the simplest of pranks. I still can’t believe she never heard of a whoopee cushion before. Seriously, unless it’s happened before, I don’t think Twilight can see any prank coming.

Wait…

Would she mind a joke gift?

The idea at the time made me snicker, Twilight expecting to pull out something crafted by the hooves of Luna, only to receive a colt’s guide to rock collecting. Knowing her though, she’d probably still be able to enjoy the gift all the same. Don’t get me wrong though, it’s not like I wanted to turn what could be happy moment into some joke, but the possibility was just too good to ignore. Hay, if the cards were played right, she might treasure the book like Applejack did her hat.

The problem was now, what book? What kind of book, or book specifically, would Twilight consider a joke? Just about anything that had words on it was something she’d read. Like I said, there really isn’t anything she’ll just toss down by title alone. And once she starts to read something, I don’t think she stops until she’s done. It’s like me and racing. Can’t stop until you cross the finish line.

Something clicked in my mind.

Twilight reading was a lot like me and racing. We would never turn down the opportunity, ready to dive in and give it our all whenever the opportunity rose. No matter what kind of tricks, turns, or curves the path may give us, we took each and every sway with joy, thrilled to move further, to go farther. In the end, no matter what had happened, we made progress. All we needed was a place to start.

What if there was nothing there to start.

A blank book. The idea made me smile.

Twilight unwrapping my present, eager eyes moving the paper left and right to free the item I had hidden inside. She would discard the ribbon, string, or whatever else I wrapped around the thing to make it harder to reach. The last of the wrapping would fall away, and she would squeal with joy as her eyes landed on a book cover she had never seen before. I might even get the hug then and there.

Then she would open it up to the first page, expecting some words of thanks to the author’s source of inspiration, but find nothing. She turned the page, thinking it was the style of formatting from the publisher, only to find the next page blank as well. Page by page by page, she would find the entire thing empty…

Okay, maybe it wasn’t as funny as I thought it would be, but it would get a small laugh at least. A backup gift would be good though, just in case this was too far outside of ‘her’ plan. Still, this could be a pretty wicked prank. Twilight may be a stooge for rules now and then, but she loved to laugh as much as any pony. I just had to make sure I had a back-up plan in case she didn’t get the joke.

Like I said though, a backup gift was an option, but my budget was limited as it was. Plus, finding a joke present was hard enough. How was I supposed to find a real present on top of that? It would have just put me back at square one. But then I started to think like Twilight, thinking of the best ways to turn the worst of situations into the best of circumstances, magic basically.

The blank book was a prank, I never even tried to tell myself otherwise, but I just had to think of a way to make Twilight think it was something else, just in case she didn’t get it, or was offended by it. But what good was a blank book to a pony? I don’t know if Twilight was interested in writing, she sure had enough spare paper as it was, and I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea of Twilight having any book that was freshly published sacred, not unless it was from Princess Celestia herself.

But there had to be something that I could do with it. I mean, it’s not like Twilight is one to settle for only one use of everything. I’ve seen her try and experiment with things dozens of times before. Books can’t be that far outside of that. Sure, I’m not expecting her to try and cook and eat it, but maybe she could do… something else, like build a book fort, or make a pop up book, or-

For the second time in just under an hour, I had a lightbulb moment. I really am the fastest pegasus in Equestria.

“Rainbow Dash,” I spoke to myself. “You’re a genius.”

Hearth’s Warming Eve didn’t waste its time. No sooner did Celestia raise her sun than did the streets explode with sounds of excited foals, parents following their children into the snow, playing with the toys the early morning had given them.

I saw Sweetie Bell playing around with her parents, Rarity “daintily nodding her approval” from the safety of her boutique. I felt tempted to do a little fly by snowball throwing, but opted against it. I’d get a shot later, and she was enjoying herself. They all were happy, and that’s what matters on Hearth’s Warming Eve. Besides, it wasn’t like I’d be the only pony itching for a snowball fight, today of all days.

Besides I had somewhere to be.

As usual, we met in the library. I swear we’ve met more here than everywhere else combined. But, I guess it made more sense than any of our houses, I mean, we go from the my house in the sky to Applejack’s barn outside of Ponyville, and you are guaranteed to find something that one of us will be fidgety about. Twilight’s house… it’s almost like neutral ground.

No sooner had I arrived then did the rest of the girls show up. Spike was in a corner of the room, eagerly chewing on a large ruby I’m sure Twilight got for him. Bet a wing feather too, there was a supply of them in one of the closets. I had my present for Twilight neatly settled on my back, given a small tie down to prevent it from falling off mid-flight. Would be hard to explain a soggy gift.

We settled round the fireplace, eagerly letting the flames lick our coats and giving a comforting amount of heat. I let my wings bristle at the sensation. Compared to my cloud home, basically a refrigerator in the sky, the warm fires of any heart is a great thing to enjoy. My musings were distracted when I heard polite cough from Rarity across the semi-circle. She was holding up her hooves, long pieces of fabric hanging from them. Apparently, she made gifts for everypony.

We each got a different color scarf, “something seasonal,” as she put it. Honestly I couldn’t really tell, but it made me warm so I was thankful. Element of Generosity in her prime. Her announcement of her Secret Celestia was close behind however. I had to let out a snicker when she said who it was.

Little miss prime and proper had gotten the rough and tumbling Applejack.

She did get a pretty good gift for that cowpony though, a custom stitched Stetson hat, built out of some kind of fancy material name. I can’t remember what she called it, but I remember Applejack blushing redder than Pink’s coat. That got a good laugh out of everyone.

Apparently good old Fluttershy got my name. She got some feed for Tank, which I’m glad for, but also a poster for the Wonder Bolts I’ve never seen before. She must have seen how surprised I was, probably because my wings were flared stiff and straight. Never did tell me where she got it from, but I also played ignorance whenever she blushed looking at the only blue pegasus on the poster.

Next up was Pinkie Pie, sporting that new scarf that Rarity had gotten her. She had Fluttershy, and was absolutely thrilled giving her gift to my fellow pegasus, or I guess gifts would be a better way to say it. There were hair clippings, pet feed, gardening tools, shampoo, spa coupons, market coupons, cherries, blueberries, and even cupcakes. She covered literally every aspect of Fluttershy’s daily life with those gifts. A low whistle came out from my lips. I guess if you can’t go for quality, go for numbers.

Applejack volunteered to go next. With about as much grace as ever, she walked up to Pinkie Pie and gave her some sheet of paper. I unsuccessfully suppressed a facehoof. I mean seriously, how does a piece of paper count as a gift? That thought was thrown out of a window from Cloudsdale when Pinkie nearly hit the ceiling in excitement. Took the better part of an hour, but when she finally calmed down, she explained how Applejack had given her a month’s guaranteed supply of apples for trying new recipes. I did like Apple candy.

Twilight looked to me then, probably hoping she’d go last. No such luck there princess.

“C’mon Twilight,” I spoke with my signature grin, “Who’d you get?” We all knew though. Only two ponies left to get a gift and she was one of them. That was all it took to convince her to give her gift. Her magic flared for a moment before I caught sight of her gift drifting down from the level below. I guess if you had to hide it that would be the way to go.

It was wrapped in paper whiter than the snow outside, and given a very detailed ribbon. And, really, I mean detailed. Seriously, I couldn’t count the sparkles, streams, and mini-diamonds across it. Not to mention the fact that it was basically without even a crease. From the reaction of the mare across from me, Rarity was very pleased.

Twilight set the box down in front of the alabaster unicorn, who eagerly began to untie and unwrap the box. Figures, she can’t even break that prismatic attitude for opening a gift on Hearth’s Warming Eve. Ah well.

She lifted the lid off the now free box and gave a small gasp at watch she saw, hooves rising to cover her lips. Her eyes were as wide as my wings. Lighting her horn Rarity lifted the prize from the box.

Inside was easily one of the largest jewels I have ever seen in my life. Spike wouldn’t have been able to chew on it, let alone eat it. Tears collected on the edges of the unicorn’s eyes as she lifted the massive object next to her. Her eyes rolled over it, inspecting every detail she could. Those tears started to glimmer with every moment that passed.

I thought it was pretty safe to say Twilight hit a bull’s eye, metaphorically of course.

After that, I was the only one left.

“One guess who I got, egghead?” She knew me well enough to know that I was just teasing her, I always do, really, honest, I do. I never insult. And she smiled back, ready to accept whatever I gave her.

I took a deep breath, and reminded myself of the back up plan. Just incase, but it was good to be prepared.

I pushed the box out in front of me, letting Twilight take a good look at it. Her eyes sparkled like her name as she eyed it. I’d like to say it was nothing special, but I seriously put sometime into wrapping this thing. The paper came from Rarity’s boutique, the box underneath from Derpy’s shipping line, and I had to ask I don’t know how many random unicorn’s to help me wrap the thing. Seriously, I couldn’t have Twilight or Rarity wrap it. It was meant for one, and the other couldn’t button her lips even if it was by Celestia’s command!

Anyways, Twilight’s magic gingerly tore at the paper, revealing the plain brown box beneath. Her eyes grew more and more curious as nothing about it told of what was inside. I had to be careful about that. Heck, I was probably more careful with buying and wrapping this gift than I was with my mid-Winter flying, and that stuff could cost me my life.

She lifted the lid from the box, looking inside.

Twilight’s face lit up as she saw the unfamiliar book, pulling it out with something almost akin to greed, holding it against her chest like a precious object. If everything worked it, she might just do that. But, when she opened the book up, I knew the prank had fallen through.

“D-Dash?” She looked at me with a shaking voice and confused eyes. Her hooves held the book of blank pages, oddly terrified by what she was seeing. Honestly, really, she was acting like Fluttershy if I told her I stepped on a butterfly, or Pinkie if I lied and said she had no friends. Her gaze locked with mine as she finished her question.

“What is this?”

That’s when I first knew my prank had completely fallen through. Either she didn’t get it or it really was the worst time to pull this out. I held back a curse against Luna as I brought my back up plan into action. With a proud smile, but half drawn eyes, I spoke to her.

“It’s a journal egghead.”

My voice must have come out the same as ever, because the fear fell away to leave just confusion alone and vivid. That was some progress at least.

“A journal?” Her lavender eyes looked back to the blank green book.

“Yeah,” I forced my voice to give a bit of cheer to it. “You know, something to write your thoughts down in.” Slowly the confusion started to fade.

“That’s a great idea Rainbow!” She smiled, she genuinely started to smile. Perfect. I let out a breath of air from my lungs as I started to smile myself. Colt, that was intense. “I’ve never thought of keeping a journal before. I mean, with my studies, I always thought that taking notes would make do.”

“Twilight dear, a journal is a bit different than… oh a few notes about your life.” Rarity interjected, sitting proudly atop her new jewel. “You have to do more than merely state what happened, you have to… oh dear, what is the word for it?”

“Embellish?” Pinkie Pie threw out with a smile.

“Ye-NO!” Too late princess. I joined in the laughter with my friends as Rarity huffed into the air.

“Relax Rarity, I understand,” Twilight explained as she hooved threw a few of the empty pages. I still have no idea why she did that. “I’ve just never had anything to write about before. I mean, I take care of a lot of things in my reports, wouldn’t it feel kind of… redundant?”

“Then do something different.” I spoke proudly to her. “Like, I don’t know, list all the things you’ve accomplished, big and small. See how long it takes you to fill up the thing.” Her face brightened like the lights outside at night.

“That’s a great idea Dash!” I smiled again, subtly giving myself a leg pump. Gave Twilight the perfect gift, got her a few ideas on how to use it, and I got a good laugh in, even if it was Rarity instead of Twilight who got fooled. At the time, I thought it was the perfect day.

There isn’t anything I wish for more now than being able rip that blank book into a million shredded pieces.

It would have prevented all of this.

Author's Note

I have nothing creative to say or anything fancy to write. This is just a mild disclaimer. No guts, gore, sex, or even fantasies of the sort. This is just a straight shot of sadness and sorrow influenced and grown from the recent events in my life so far.

Go.

...Shows Us What We've Lost...

I-I know it sounds stupid. Please… Please! I know it is stupid. B-But that doesn’t change anything now. It’s all my fault. All of this. Everything! I-If she had never g-gotten that b-book, that… bucking book…

M-Maybe this is my punishment, y-you know, what I have to live with. I deserve so much worse. I-I deserve Tartarus, or banishment, maybe even being banished to Tartarus forever!

Maybe then Twilight would feel better…

After Hearth’s Warming Day, I dropped by each of the girls’ homes to see how they were doing. Applejack was easily the most restless, aside from me. I couldn’t fly for nearly as long as I wanted to, and she couldn’t do any work aside from de-icing a few trees out in the orchards. She summed up rather nicely how hard that was.

“Ah can finish up that ‘mount of work ‘fore its lunch time.” After the Running of the Leaves Competition, it was kind of easy for me to see just how alike AJ and I were. I couldn’t call a day complete without a good long flight and she couldn’t call a day well spent unless she was working her tail off.

Fluttershy was still busy sorting all of Pinkie Pie’s gifts. Honestly, that mare had been given more stuff than she already had. When she invited me in, she made sure to tell me to not open a few doors in her home. It only took a look of curiosity from me for her to explain.

“Oh, um, it’s just… I couldn’t find where to put all of Pinkie’s gifts so… I had to, oh, force them into storage. I feel just awful, but I know I’ll be able to use all the feed in the spring.” I didn’t’ doubt that either. Still, it was almost a bit terrifying, the thought that if I opened the wrong door in her house that I might be killed beneath an avalanche of food and candy. Not exactly the most unpleasant way to go, but still.

When I went to the Cake’s Bakery, I didn’t see Pinkie Pie, at first. That changed quickly.

No sooner did I trot to the front door, that I was bombarded with snowballs. I yelped in fright as the freezing snow hit my coat, melting against my fur. I ducked for cover behind the nearest object I could find, which just happened to be a candy cane poll. Even in cover though, the snow balls continue to descend on me. I raised my wings to cover my eyes, cursing out my stupidity for not realizing what was coming.

Of course Pinkie Pie was going to prank me. She didn’t have her gift form Applejack yet, so she would probably be trying to ambush every pony in Ponyville at this point. I just happened to be unfortunate enough to stumble into her radar.

“Tired yet Dashie?” I heard the pink pony call to me. Provided, yeah, it was pretty hard to hear her through an earful of snow, melting snow no less. I shook my head and body hard, freeing any of the cold flakes caught in my coat and wings. I nearly jumped back into the snow when Pinkie popped in front of me, smiling like she always does and most likely always will.

“Wet? Yeah. Tired? Not yet.” Before she had a moment to think, I dashed as fast as I could by her, lifting the snow behind me as I did. My hooves slid across the slick surface of the snow covered streets, trying to stop myself from my burst of speed. When I turned around, I started laughing out loud.

Where Pinkie Pie was once standing was now an alabaster pony with a poofy white mane and large blue eyes. It was easily the fastest and most well done snow mare I had ever made. Pinkie Pie shook herself free like I had, joining my laughter. No matter what end of the prank she was on, that earth pony knew how to have a good time.

Honest as AJ here, I thought seeing Rarity would be a bore. I mean, every time I go by her place, I just keep getting pulled into modeling for her. Just imagine my surprise when instead of modeling for her, she asked me to come in and try some of her home baked cookies instead. And colt, those were good! Not that I ever thought Rarity was a bad baker, but Pinkie is the pony with the talent for sweets. Seriously, these would give her cupcakes a run for their money.

Sweetie Bell was apparently off with Spike, trying to enjoy a good snowball fight with the rest of the crusaders. All they needed to do was walk by Sugar Cube Corner and they’d be all set. Still though, coming back home to a tray full of warm cookies was something I’m sure any kid would appreciate. The mention of Spike though reminded me I had one more stop to make.

Twilight Sparkle’s library.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to see what she was doing with the book I gave her. She jumped so easily at the idea of a journal that I half way imagined her spending the better part of the winter writing down her life’s story. Wouldn’t be the first time she went off the deep end with some ridiculous goal. Still, I had to at least hear what she was up to.

I ended up trotting across the snow to the library. I was pretty sure at this point that I had already used up all the time that I could for my wings. The cold air would have felt great if I wasn’t caught between excited and paranoid about my feathers molting midflight. I don’t normally take to any height that’ll outright do me in if I fall, but still, avoiding pain is always a plus.

The library was the same as ever when I was finally in sight of it, but with the windows and door all tightly shut. Made sense though, I mean, what pony was fond of the cold? Raising my hoof, I knocked on the front door.

“Hey Twilight, you home?” I called out, waiting for an answer from the studious mare. Silence lingered on for a moment before I heard the familiar sound of hooves hurrying towards the door. I smirked.

“Hi Rainbow.” Twilight spoke as she opened the door to me, horn glowing with the same magical aura. “How are you doing?”

“I’m cool, just seeing how the rest of the girls are doing, you know?” She nodded with a growing smile. Oh yeah, if anypony understood that, it was going to be Twilight.

“Of course! I’m sorry I didn’t invite you over sooner, I’ve just been so busy recently.” I’m pretty sure I knew the answer as to why, but still, a little teasing always did me a world of good.

“Oh? Why’s that? What could Twilight Sparkle possibly be doing after Hearth’s Warming Day to be so busy that she forgets to invite her friends over?” For a moment, just a moment, like a blink of an eye, I saw a flash of pain go across her lavender gaze, like I had slapped her. I worked to take back what I said, but stopped when I saw the smile break out on her face, followed by a string of giggles. Disaster avoided

“Well, I’m working on the journal you gave me.” I knew it. “Honestly Rainbow, I’ve been trying to go through and-” She stopped talking. That confused me.

“Twi? You alright?” She nodded her head up and down.

“Oh, yes, I just... I almost spoiled it.” Spoiled?

“Are you trying to surprise me with something?” Gotta admit, Twilight wasn’t the first pony that came to mind when I thought of surprises. The mare I thought of for that was obvious. But still, I wouldn’t put it far past her.

“Well… not exactly.” My confusion had yet to be settled. “It’s more like an experiment of sorts. I want to keep outside variables to a minimum, so I’m only allowing myself to be a part of the procedure.” That made… more sense, I guess. Not complete sense, but then again, anything science related would probably fly over my head when it came from Twilight. I hate that expression.

“So… like, do the rest of us get a turn?” She gave the most relaxed expression I had ever seen before answering.

“When it’s finished, I promise I’ll let you have a turn Rainbow.” I smiled in response, pulling her into a quick hug with my wings. She was warm, definitely warmer than the air outside.

“That a girl.”

Without waiting a moment longer, I left the library, flying back into the sky.

The next time I saw Twilight was a few days later. I was resting on a cloud up above the Ponyville market, enjoying the sun that beat down on my outstretched wings. There wasn’t even a breeze in the air to chill me, and with the direct rays from Celestia’s ball in the sky, it felt like a sauna, a really comfy outdoor sauna.

Anyways, it was when I turned over to let the other side of my wings warm up that I saw her. She was walking across the snow covered streets just beneath me. It was hard to miss her. I’m pretty sure she was the only mare in Ponyville with a completely lavender coat.

She looked tired, but satisfied, like she had just finished a reading marathon. I probably wasn’t too far off the mark. The journal I had given her was sticking out of a satchel over her torso. I didn’t know then, but it was probably sticking out just a bit on purpose, just so she could take it out to write if need be.

But that’s Twilight, taking everything she does to the extreme.

When I flew down next to her, she jumped slightly. I didn’t mean to scare her, but I couldn’t help but give a proud smirk at the reaction. I was still fast enough to shock my closest friends. Perfect.

“Gotcha Twilight.” I spoke with pride. Her expression of shock slowly changed back into the tired smile from before.

“Yeah Rainbow, you got me alright.” She admitted my victory like it happened every day. Counting all of our friends, it probably did. Though, also being fair, I probably pranked Rarity and Applejack more often than Twilight. I wouldn’t prank Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie… that’s just impossible.

“So how’s it hanging?” I asked her, falling in hoof with her pace. Even for me, it seemed slower than usual. “Been staying busy?”

“Oh, of course.” Twilight answered with a nod of her head.

“So, are you gonna tell me what that book is for now?” Even though I smiled as I spoke the question, an odd sense of giddiness towards the idea of finally figuring out the mystery, Twilight seemed to shy away. That was weird, and my mind registered it immediately. Since when was Twilight sparkle afraid to explain something?

“I-I don’t know. You might not like it.” Her hooves played with one another, gaze avoiding mine. My smile slowly began to fall.

“Hey, there’s no way I can feel disappointed about you using my gift, I’m just curious is all.” Seriously, I wanted to know. I don’t know what I said, but apparently somewhere in my sentence was the magic word, cause Twilight finally spilled the beans.

“I’ve been trying to turn the gift you gave me into a list.” That didn’t irk me, but it did confuse me?

“A list?” I asked, eyebrow raising with my voice. “Twilight, hate to break it to you, but I didn’t really intend for that to be used as a shopping list or something.” Then again, it would be better for it to be used for something so simple. Better than what I had originally wanted it to be.

“I-It’s not a shopping list, it’s a personal list.” My confusion had yet to leave, and now, I was curious about why her voice was jumping. Her voice never jumped, ever. Not even when she accused Chrysalis of being a fraud. Even though she was right, it still wasn’t something a pony did every day. What was happening that she felt the need to… well… be nervous?

“I… What? What’s a personal list?” I saw for only a moment. I swear it went through her eyes faster than I could ever hope to fly, so faint and subtle that unless I was looking for it, I probably would have missed it.

Twilight was scared.

“I-It’s um…” She stumbled over her words, her eyes avoided me, she was slowly moving away from me. By this point, wherever she was going, she wasn’t anymore. We were both standing still, or at least I was.

“Twilight.” I spoke her name with force. I had to get her attention. I had to. She shouldn’t be hiding something like this.

“Hold on.” The clarity of her words, I obeyed. I watched as her horn flared, bringing the book from out of her satchel.

So it was about the book. Did she find some kind of hidden message it in? Was it not actually empty? Maybe she spilled ink over it, and was going to find a specialist to have it removed. Yeah, that one made since. She’s was probably just beating herself up over something small again. It would be just like the Smarty Pa-

My thoughts stopped as I saw a quill levitate itself from her pouch, falling into the teeth of her mouth. That alone stopped me dead.

Twilight Sparkle, the most powerful, talented, and skilled unicorn I had ever met, was using her teeth to write instead of her magic.

What the hay was happening?

“Twilight.” I spoke again, trotting forwards, trying to move around her. Whatever she was writing, I had to find out. Maybe it was the noise I made, or maybe it was just me calling her, but as soon as our eyes met, she backpedaled away from me. Was… was she scared of me now?

I took flight instantly, trying to move overhead of her. As soon as I did, she closed the book, quill in between the pages. She looked at me again, eyes more pained than I had ever seen them before.

“Please don’t.” My breath caught in my throat. She sounded so small so… terrified. What the buck was going on? As soon as my hooves hit the ground, I confronted her.

“Twilight, what is going on?” She shrunk in front of me, book falling to the ground as she curled closer to the dirt. Her hooves pulled the green covered journal closer to her, gripping it with something I’d expect more from a drowning pony and a life vest. Tears were starting to collect in her eyes.

I didn’t stop.

“Girl, seriously, what is going on? Did you hurt somepony?” She shook her head, hard. “Is somepony dying?” Her mane whipped like a tree branch with the force she was putting into her head. “Then what the hay are you writing that has you so scared?” Her body froze as she gazed up at me. Her forelegs only gripped the thing harder.

“Let me see it.” It didn’t sound like a request, and honestly, even now, I didn’t want it to be one. I wanted to know, badly, desperately even, what the hay was so bad in those pages. I mean… if Twilight Sparkle was scared by it, than I had to at least know.

She pushed with her rear legs, scooting across the dirt, away from me. I didn’t stop.

“Twilight,” I spoke with strength. “Let me see the book.” I was stronger than her, and she knew it. Apparently, she knew it too well.

“I-I gotta go.” I opened my mouth to argue, maybe even catch her by the tail.

But she was gone in a flash of white.

The next pony to have a conversation with her was Applejack. When I found her, she looked like she was slapped. That’s exactly what I said to. But she didn’t fight back with me at all, she just looked up at me with shocked green eyes. The she spoke, and her words are still as clear to me as the sun burning in the sky.

“Wha’ happened ta Twilight?”

I only found out much later that she had seen Twilight walking through the market. The unicorn had the book in her satchel, like I saw her, but apparently her coat was dirty, frazzled, something that would give Rarity a heart attack. Applejack told me that she was minding her stall, actually waiting for Spike to come and pick up the weekly apple delivery, but the little guy had never come by. So when she saw Twilight, the first thing she thought was that the mare had taken Spike’s duties for the day.

The cowpony looked at me with such… pain. She watched Twilight for what was the better part of a good half an hour before finally calling over the mare. The unicorn had, apparently, frozen in her tracks at the sound of Applejack’s voice. If there was one thing AJ made clear to me, it was what she saw when Twilight turned around.

There were heavy tears in her eyes.

Before the earth pony could trot over and ask what was wrong, Twilight was gone… again, just like with me. A flash of white and a bit of magic.

When Applejack told me that, I started to look all over Ponyville for her. The library was either closed or empty, because all the lights were off and no one, not even Spike answered the door. Rarity hadn’t seen her, neither had Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy said that she thought she saw Twilight, but swore she was mistaken. I didn’t have to ask for her to explain why, she told me.

“Because, um… Twilight wouldn’t run from me.”

I agreed with her, completely. Twilight wouldn’t run from any of us, ever. We were best friends, amigos, the freaking Elements of Harmony for crying out loud. And Twilight, she was Magic, she was the reason why we were all brought together so tightly. For her to be… what’s the word… actively avoiding us? The idea of Celestia attempting to sexually harm others seemed more likely than that.

But every pony I asked, somepony I knew well or not, all came up with the same thing. They either hadn’t seen her, only caught glimpses of her, or saw her running away the moment they tried to talk to her. I didn’t buy that, not for a second. There was no way Twilight would actively try and avoid everyone, right?

I mean, she did a while ago, but that was literally years ago. Since then, she had made so many friends, done so many things, and now she considered it a failure of a day unless she saw almost everypony at least once. The only pony more crazy than her about that was Pinkie Pie, but even she couldn’t believe that Twilight was doing this.

Something didn’t add up, and none of us knew what it was. All I knew was that Twilight was in trouble. Why she was in trouble… I-I really wish I knew then. But I didn’t, I really didn’t. No pony did.

It wasn’t long before we saw Twilight less and less, spotting her on the snow covered streets just about as common as visits from Princess Celestia. Every time one of us saw her she looked tired, worn… old even. There were no smiles on her lips, no magic from her horn, and no spark in her eyes. It was like she was being drained of everything that made her… her.

The purple unicorn that came from Canterlot was gone. She wasn’t the determined and courageous mare I saw charge Nightmare Moon, she wasn’t the prized student who fearlessly challenged Discord, and she was the farthest thing from the confident pony that unveiled the disguise of Queen Chrysalis. Now she looked… broken.

I hate that word. But, I can’t think of any other way to describe her.

Her hooves lift with the weight of the world in each step, her head hanging low, mane frazzled, tail unkempt, and her coat shades darker than before. It was like at any moment she was ready to break down and cry.

And still she carried around that book.

Her lips would move over the pages with a quill, writing down words that none of us have yet to see. Every time I tried to get close to her, she would slam the book closed, looking at me with red eyes I couldn’t bear to look at. I’d turn my head and look away. When I looked back, she’d be gone, either down the street or in the now rare flash of magic.

No one knew what was going on, and I asked every friend I had. Rarity was shocked by Twilight’s appearance, astounded by the near catatonic state of our friend. Fluttershy was beyond simply worried, her eyes tearing up every time she saw the unicorn drag herself down the street. Applejack was caught between confusion and anger, confused if she should be angry with a friend keeping painful secrets. Pinkie Pie was probably the worst, her mane and tail shaking every time she saw the lavender unicorn walk down the streets.

Me, I was horrified, still am horrified.

By all that I can tell, this all started because of that stupid book I gave her, almost a month ago now. She was so excited about it, having a journal with a unique binding, cover, and pre-bound parchment. Now… now it looks like it’s sucking out her soul. My gift, my joke, my mistake is killing Twilight.

What was she doing? What was she writing? What about that stupid book was turning Twilight into… some twisted version of herself?

I didn’t know, but I was going to find out.

“Twilight?” I called into the dark home, expecting a cry of protest for my intrusion. None came. “Twi’, are you in here?” Again, nothing but silence flowed through my ears. My eyes scanned what I could from the entrance. I didn’t think I was in Twilight’s home. Books were strewn across the floor, lying down on the pages with the bindings open, creasing the parchment in ways I know would normally send the lavender unicorn over a mountain.

I took tentative steps forward, careful not to trip over anything. My hooves shuffled a few stray pages of paper across the ground, a light layer of dust billowing upwards with each of my steps. Where the hay was Spike? Wasn’t it like, his job to clean this stuff up? Even Twilight would eventually fix this up.

I pushed the questions aside as I continued deeper into the, quite honestly, spooky home. One of my wings extended outwards, brushing against the wall next to me for guidance. I pushed back and forth against the spines of the books on the shelves, occasionally falling into place where a novel or two was missing.

It didn’t bother me too much that the library was a mess, I mean, I’ve seen what Twilight did with some of her experiments, but the fact that no pony, not even Spike was cleaning it up? That seriously worried me. Compared to everything else though, it hit pretty low on the scale.

“Twilight!” I shouted as I felt one of my hooves hit the bottom step of the stairs. When nothing but silence met my ears, I knew I would have to go deeper into the library. I couldn’t remember the last time I had trotted up a flight of stairs, not since my wings started working right at least. But I trusted my legs in the dark more than my feathered friends.

One by one, my legs moved up the steps, my wing remaining extended as I brushed it against the smooth wooden wall of Twilight’s home. I felt the dust collect on my coat, but I couldn’t care right now. All my attention, my focus, was on finding Twilight in this dark home.

A breath of air escaped my lungs when I took a step that wasn’t there. I caught myself from falling with a quick beat of my wings. It caught my fall, but I sneezed right afterwards, dust billowing in the darkness from the fresh gust of air I had just pushed. With a shake, I strained my eyes in the dark again, looking for the outline of any doors. My wing hit the handle of a door frame before I saw it.

I gave it a push, and earned not distance. I gave it a pull, and got just as much out of it. Locked, and tight, too. I didn’t have to think long to know what that meant.

Twilight was in there.

“Twilight?” I called gently, knocking on the wood with my hoof. “I know you’re in there.” No response, still the empty silence I had been hearing since I entered the library. “C’mon Twilight, open the door.” Still nothing, not even a rustle of sheets or clopping of hooves. I bit my lip. This would be a bit harder than I thought.

“If you don’t open the door, I’m going to kick it down.” Provided, yes, I didn’t know if I could. Didn’t have the best of luck with doing that in the past, but still… it was better than doing nothing. But then, I finally heard a sound, one that wasn’t my own voice or hooves.

The door clicked.

“Twilight?” I spoke the name again in a lower tone, trying to get a response through the door. I got nothing. Still, I know what I heard. Raising a hoof, I pressed it against the handle again, pushing with the weight of my body behind me.

This time, the door slowly swung open.

At first, I didn’t see anything different in the room than I had outside. It was dark, pages and books were scattered across the floor, and something was moving over the only bed in the room.

Wait…

“Twilight!” I couldn’t help the raise in my voice, giving a small flap of my wings as I jumped over to her. It was almost impossible to see her in the dark, but seriously, who else could it be? I didn’t know any other ponies that lived in the library, and Spike definitely didn’t have a horn. The reminder flashed through my head, telling me Spike wasn’t here, but I pushed it aside. Twilight would know, all I had to do was get her to talk.

But… she hadn’t done anything more than adjust herself on her bed since I came in. She didn’t speak, she didn’t sigh, hay, I had a hard time just hearing her breath, and I have some pretty sharp ears, too.

“Yo Twilight.” I raised my hoof, pushing it against her side. “Are you okay?” Her form was cold beneath my hoof, honestly just a bit warmer than the air outside, but the air was cold enough to keep water frozen and let clouds snow.

“I’m fine.” Without kidding, without joking, I nearly hit the roof when she spoke. She sounded nothing like the Twilight that I knew. She wasn’t chipper, focused, curious, wondrous, or even just annoyed. She sounded plain, flat, almost like she was… dead. I swallowed a lump in my throat.

“H-Here.” I stuttered over the word. “L-Let me get a light.” I turned from the bed, walking cautiously in the dark. My memory wasn’t the best, but I knew she had a desk in this room somewhere and if there was a desk, there was a very good chance she had a candle to go with it. Given that this was Twilight Sparkle, a mare famous for burning the candle at both ends, it was a pretty safe bet there was one somewhere in the room.

My forehoof hit a wooden object in front of me, just barely visible under the darkness of the room. Tracing the frame, I heard the sound of crumpling paper. This was definitely her desk. I reached forward over it, moving slowly to stop myself from knocking the waxy object over, if I found it. My hooves traced over a few stray pieces of paper, an open book, some quills, a bottle of ink, but I finally found my prize, sitting at the far corner of the square shape.

I pulled it closer to me, reaching beneath the desk to grab at a piece of flint. I saw Twilight use this once before, knowing her, it was a pretty safe bet she wasn’t going to move it far from where she kept it. I gave a small grunt of success when I felt the hard object in my hoof.

“Alright, give me a sec here.” I called gently behind me. I received no response. I didn’t let it bother me. In a second, I’d be able to see her, then we could talk out what the hay was going on. I was sure, so sure.

The flint sparked in my hoof as a knocked it against the hard undersurface of my hoof, holding it just above the waxy wick of the candle. A few hits, a few tries, but finally brought a small, warm, flame to life. I smiled as I felt the glow over my features, warming me up in this pretty frigid place.

“Perfect!” I cheered, turning around to see Twilight. “Now we can-”.

I stopped.

That wasn’t Twilight… It couldn’t be.

A frazzled mane with dull colors was thrown over her head. Hairs that weren’t split and curling were hanging uselessly over her face or knotting into one another. I could only just make out her eyes beneath the dreary strands of hair, sunken in and half lidded, looking at me with an emotion I still can’t name. And her coat, it was so… gray, so dark. It looked old and sodden, like the bed sheets she was lying on.

This… this couldn’t be Twilight Sparkle.

“A-Are you okay?” I took hesitant steps towards her. I was honestly scared, terrified even. I was expecting something different, yeah, no kidding, but… but this was beyond different. This was like twisted different. She let out a low sigh, pushing at the stray flat strands of her mane that hung over her muzzle.

“There isn’t any reason why you should be worried about me Rainbow.” Seriously now, her voice was getting spooky. I mean, she just spoke the sentence like she had recited it from a book. A book…

Oh no…

“Twilight?” I asked in a voice that concealed nothing of my fear, pitch high, and if she could see well enough with the candle, eyes wide. “What were you writing in the book?”

“I told you before.” She didn’t sound annoyed, or angry, or even spiteful. Just… tired. “A personal list.”

“What’s a personal list?” She couldn’t run away now. Not here. This unicorn, huddled up on her bed, had nowhere to warp to now. I heard her sigh before I saw the outlines of her head turn towards me.

“A collection of my accomplishments… and failures.”

There. Right there. That was it. That was what was ruining her. It was the book, it was her lists, but now I knew what she was writing down. What failures did she possibly have to write?

“Where is it Twilight?” I asked with more force than I should have, but I didn’t want to wait. Twilight couldn’t wait. She didn’t speak again though, at least not at any volumes that I could hear. Instead, her head turned towards the candle, eyes shimmering like glass under the reflection of the light. It took me the better part of the moment to realize she wasn’t ignoring me, but looking at something. I followed her gaze.

On the desk with the light, just beneath the soft glow, was the thing that had started all of this. It looked no different on the outside than the day I wrapped it in the box, giving it to Twilight like the precious gift that I wanted it to be. Now… now I don’t think there’s a thing in existence I hated more.

I trotted over to it, eyeing it with contempt. It was shut, though not bound in such a way. I lifted my hoof and opened the book up. It was on some random page in the middle, closer to the front than the back. Both pages were absolutely filled with black ink. Just like Twilight said, both pages, up and down, were lists. From left to right, it started at number 342 with the page ending at 351. Next to each number was a sentence, phrase, or even just a word. My eyes scanned over one of them.

344: Took 1.5 hours longer than expected to reorganize books in Fantasy section

What? What was that? I had just read it and I didn’t even know what it meant. Twilight… Twilight said that this was a collection of her accomplishments and failures. Did she think this was a failure of some kind? Sure, she didn’t finish something like she wanted to, but she got it done.

I pushed the pages back, moving closer to the beginning. I picked a line and starting reading.

95: Entered the Everfree Forest alone

96: Frozen by a cockatrice despite knowledge of counter-spell

97: Forgot to thank Fluttershy for saving my life

98: Never went to Zecora’s Hut as planned

99: Recipe for truth serum unfinished due to lack of ingredients

My head was shaking back and forth as I moved my eyes away from the pages. Did she… did Twilight think that these were failures? Missing a few dates? Forgetting a few numbers? I did that daily! And… and these were all from years ago. Why was she listing them down now? Was she trying to make up for some kind of lost time? Where the hay were all of the accomplishments for crying out loud!

I pushed huge clumps of pages aside, reaching near the end. The pages were just as filled as the front, but the writing, the ink was so sloppy. It didn’t take too long for me to figure out that this must have been close to where she started writing with her mouth over her magic. I bit my lip before I read the next line.

677: Ran away from Applejack

678: Ran away from Fluttershy

679: Lied to Spike to send him to Canterlot

680: Lied to Princess Celestia for sending Spike to Canterlot

681: Lied to Shining Armor for not letting him visit me.

682-

I slammed the book shut.

“T-Twilight.” I swallowed a ball in my throat. I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t scared, I… I was just confused. “What… what is this?”

“I told you, it’s-” I cut her off.

“No!” I shouted moving as close to her as I could. She didn’t cower beneath me or stare back at me defiantly. She was just as motionless as she was the moment I walked into the room. “I mean why are you keeping track of trash like that!?”

“That trash is my life, Rainbow.” Took me a full minute to understand what she meant by that.

“That’s a bunch of horse feathers!” I shouted again. Loudly. I don’t know why I was shouting, but then… I couldn’t think of any other way to speak, not while she was saying so many... well, lies.

“Has anything in there not happened?” Her voice was so condescending, like Chrysalis speaking down to Celestia. I shivered, and the cold had nothing to do with it.

“Well… no, but what about all the good that you’ve done!?” I shouted into her face. Shouted, like a bully trying to scare his kid brother. “You’re Twilight Sparkle, the smartest unicorn to ever come out of Canterlot.”

“Only because of your Sonic Rainboom.” She tried to stop me, but I wasn’t going to give up. Not for her.

“You memorized every book in the library.”

“A lifetime of reading what others have accomplished and done, reminding me that I haven’t done anything nearly as significant.” This was already getting ridiculously stupid.

“You’re the only pony that figured out the threat of Nightmare Moon and Chrysalis.”

“Only because I couldn’t stop one from appearing, and it took a princess to prove I was right for the other.”

“You’re the Element of Magic!” My voice was growing desperate, rising in pitch. My eyes were already preparing themselves for the inevitable.

“That’s useless without everypony else.” I shook my head furiously. That wasn’t true at all. If anything, we were useless without her! Why did she think the opposite? Why was she twisting everything?

“Stop it!” I shouted. She just gave me a blank look, passive and empty.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re twisting everything awesome and cool you’ve done into… lies! H-How can you think being good at magic is a bad thing?”

“It’s not.” Hope swelled like a sponge in water instantly in me. But, she continued to speak. “That’s listed as an accomplishment at the beginning of the book. But, I am only that way because of the work and gifts of others.”

This wasn’t good. This was bad. This was really bad. But I couldn’t stop. No way. I had to keep going. I had to keep trying.

“You’re the only pony who was able to break free from Discord. You saved me!” I didn’t have to hide it. I was desperate to prove her wrong. My hoof was jabbing itself towards her curled and self-beaten form before turning and slamming into my chest. Maybe it was the hit, but I shook myself out of something.

Twilight helped me then, she needed me know. So I wasn’t going to stop.

“No.” She spoke simply, factually, believing the single worded statement like a pony asking if she had wings on her back. “Princess Celestia saved me. She sent me all of the reports I had given her from the past year.”

“Reports written by you!” My muzzle had replaced my hoof, breathing just inches away from Twilight’s own. The hairs on her gray coat swayed under my breath. I wasn’t touching her, not physically, but I could tell she was cold, freezing even. “Those were letters you wrote about everything you learned! No pony had ever done that before. That was all you.”

“No.” She said again. “That was me commenting about you and everypony else. All I did was observe and report. I remember causing a few of the problems even.”

“And you fixed them.”

“With your help.”

“That’s what friends do Twilight!” My eyes were wet. Why were they wet? Was I crying? I must have been, because Twilight wasn’t. She wasn’t doing anything at all.

“Friends take advantage of their friends?” She asked the question like it was a real one, like she generally wanted my opinion of something so… stupid!

“No!” I shouted back. My leg quickly rubbed against my eyes, pushing away the water that was getting in my way. “Friends help one another. We depend on one another. No pony can do everything, so we look to others for help in things we can’t do alone!” It was hard to see, even with the faint candle light, but somehow, I just knew Twilight was going to say how wrong I was. But I wasn’t done.

“We all have our problems, but what matters is that we can get through them together. Pinkie Pie is crazy, Fluttershy is a wimp, Rarity is a brat, Applejack’s ignorant, and I’m dense! But you Twilight,” took a deep breath, making sure not even a syllable sounded forced. “You are possibly the only reason why we can stick together for so long.”

For a time, I heard nothing. She didn’t move, I didn’t move, and I could only tell we were breathing because neither of us had keeled over yet.

“You’re right.” I felt all the tension leave my body as she said those two simple words. A smile had replaced my scowl, eyes already beginning to dry. That was stupid of me, so stupid of me.

Her next words changed everything.

“Friends do cause problems. They remind us that we’re worthless, useless, inadequate, and pointless. They just bring you problems and hope you can solve them. That’s all I did to you, to everypony. All I did was just make you girls miserable. That’s the only reason we were able to stay together.” No that… that was all wrong. I knew it had to be. I-I just knew it!

“Every problem I make, you girls have to work harder to fix. I eventually made so many things go wrong that you all had to work together to solve them. I even made the princess work together with the Changeling Queen after I blew up at the wedding.” What was she talking about? Celestia didn’t work with Chyrsalis. I mean… she didn’t know! She thought she was helping Princess Cadance, not that evil thing!

“You’re just so right Rainbow. We do all have our problems. Mine are just so bad that you and everypony else have to work together to fix them. Parasprites, cockatrices, a cerberus, even Spike growing up.” What was she saying? Did she seriously think those were all her fault? I… I didn’t even know what to think, let alone say.

“But… it looks like I wasn’t the only one.”

I looked into her eyes and I saw nothing of the Twilight that I knew. All I saw in her eyes and all I heard from her mouth was a cruel truth that… that I was a foal for ignoring.

“You did give me the journal.”

I had to stop.

My hooves were shaking. Why? I-I wasn’t afraid of her, I wasn’t scared of her. It’s stupid. I keep asking myself why I was shaking so badly, crying like a foal that lost her mother, not even realizing the obvious.

It was my fault. I did this.

I gave her the book. I gave her the ideas. I gave her everything she needed to destroy herself.

I was the most disloyal friend she had ever had.

I am the most disloyal friend.

It wasn’t until I felt the wind beneath my wings that I knew I had left the library, leaving the wounded mare alone in her dark home. It wasn’t until I fell against a cloud that I realized how empty I felt. It wasn’t until I started crying out loud that I realized how useless I was.

It wasn’t until the sky started to turn gray that I realized I was the worst friend of all.

Author's Note

I’m a dirty dirty boy and I need to take a shower. Seriously, what the hell have I just done? There’s a good chance I’m going to lose more than just a few followers and favorites with this. No wait, better question, how in the world am I going to make this a Twidash fic?

Who knows...

...What We Need...

It… It was a long time before I stopped crying. I didn’t care though, I couldn’t care. I was a danger to everypony around me, even more so to anypony that I knew. I had broken Twilight with just a gift. If I spent too long with somepony else… I-I don’t want to think about what could happen.

No, I’ll just stay up here in the clouds, far away from everything else. Fluttershy wouldn’t want to fly up here, she rarely does, and only Twi… only T-Twilight….

I’m crying again.

My wings raised themselves over my head, my hooves too heavy to lift themselves. I’m tired, but I still have the energy to cry, to hate myself, and I want to thank Celestia for it. It’s what I deserve after what I’ve done. Taking the strongest mare in all of Equestria and… and making her…

Now I’m sobbing.

My chest aches and cries with me, pain coursing through its abused muscles. I’m not mad about it. I deserve it. Just I deserve anything that hurts me. If this cloud just disappeared beneath my hooves I’d deserve falling straight to the ground, wings be damned.

Wouldn’t that just be better for everypony? If I was gone? I already destroyed one of my friends, who’s to say I wouldn’t do the same to the others? Hay, I tried pranking Fluttershy once, and I only stopped because Pinkie told me, Pinkie! That mare tries to throw parties at funerals, but she’s the one who has to remind me that one of my oldest friends would probably cry at any pank I threw at her?

I-It’s not like I’d try and hurt my friends, I just would. I didn’t try to hurt Twilight, but I did. I wanted to make her laugh, earn a giggle, maybe even just give her something she never expected. Now look what I’ve done.

No, I deserve to be alone forever, away from all my friends, if I can even call them that. The further I am from them, the safer they’ll be. That’s what needs to happen. I’ll… I’ll move back to Cloudsdale, I’ll change my name, hay, I’ll dye my… I’ll dye my mane and tail. I’ll hide for the rest of my life, away from everypony I know. That would be perfect.

But… then what? I couldn’t avoid other ponies forever. I’d have to talk to others eventually, to buy a new house, food, a job… everything. I’d hurt one of them too. Just… Just by trying to help, I’d hurt them. I’m a danger to everypony, I know I am.

So I’ll just stay here. I’ll just… I’ll just stay here forever. Up in a cloud, far away from town, no pony will find me. Besides, I can outfly them, I… I can run away from any pony that tries to come near me.

But for now… I’ll just drown in my tears.

My body is so cold, probably because I have such a cold soul. There really isn’t any other reason for it. How could I let myself hurt one of my friends like this unless I wanted to? Some part of me, big or small, must have wanted to hurt Twilight. It just took me awhile to realize it.

I’m a threat to all of my friends because of that. Just a monster that’s one hoof away from hurting them in some unforgivable way. For all I know, I’ve already tried before. I’ll just stay here. I’ll stay far away from everypony. That’s what matters. That’s all that matters.

I fell asleep praying for nightmares.

Not a single dream came to me in my rest, something I almost felt the need to whine about. I needed to be tortured, to be taught a lesson. I needed something like that to happen. How else was I supposed to learn how horrible I am? Knowing isn’t enough, I have to feel it. I have to experience exactly what happened to Twilight.

But that didn’t happen. Instead, I just drifted in nothing for a few hours, half a day, or for however long it was, I don’t know. I don’t care to know. It doesn’t matter to me.

“...the fields?”

I froze up at the voice.

That was a pony. That wasn’t me. There was some pony close to me. That wasn’t okay, that was bad. The closer other ponies were to me, the closer they were to being hurt. That was bad, that was really bad.

“How in the hay did she get all the way out there?”

I felt a chill crawl down my spine again. That wasn’t just somepony. I knew that pony. I knew both ponies. Their voices were more than just familiar to me.

“I don’t know, darling. I don’t. All I know is what I told you. She was found in a puddle of water up on that cloud. It’s a wonder alone that Cloud Kicker’s harsh voice didn’t wake the poor girl.” I felt my throat go dry.

My eyes stayed shut as I stretched out one of my hooves, feeling for anything close to me. I felt something slide over my leg the further my hoof stretched outwards, probably some kind of blanket. It stopped when I felt the edges of some kind of wooden frame.

I was in a bed. Not my bed and not the cloud I was on before.

“Dash!” I heard another horribly familiar voice, this time calling right to me. I strained my eyes open, fighting the dry tears that caked them shut. Blurs and shapes met my vision, a lot of pink, a lot of white, some orange and yellow. “Are you alright Dashie. Are you okay?”

“Wha-?” I spoke in a broken whisper. My eyes started to blink, faster and faster until I could see everything in the room.

They were all there.

Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy. All of my best friends. All ponies that I could hurt, at any moment, at any time, with any action I do.

No… No. No No No No No No No No!

“Stay back!” I shout it as loud as my hoarse voice will allow. I almost felt blood pool in my throat as I did. My legs kicked at the blankets on me, throwing them off with a pathetic amount of force. Pinkie jumped away from me, a look of terror on her face. Not even awake for a minute and I was already starting to break them. I had to leave. I had to get out of here. Now!

My wings flared to give me flight…

…and a let out a gasp of pain.

“Stop her!” I felt hooves on me before I heard the voice call to me. They were pushing me down, trying to hold me down. Why? Why did they want me here? Didn’t they see what I just did to Pinkie? I spoke a word and almost made her cry. If I was here for too long… No, I won’t let that happen again. I can’t!

“Let me go!” I cried again, ignoring the searing pain that came with it. “Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!”

They wouldn’t. Every time I screamed, yelled, or cried, they only held me down harder. It was pathetic. I couldn’t fight them, any of them. The one way I knew I could protect them and I couldn’t do it. I just had to leave, I had to run away. The further away I am, the safer they’ll be. Why won’t they let me run? Why won’t they let me protect them?

“What’s wrong with her!?”

“Let me go!”

“Ah don’t know!”

“Let me go!”

“Please stop Dashie. Please stop.”

“Let me go!”

Why won’t they let me go? Why can’t I just fly away? Why won’t they let me protect them? This isn’t fair, I know what I have to do, but they won’t let me do it.

“Rainbow….” I whipped my head to see Fluttershy. Oh Celestia, Fluttershy…

She was crying.

“Please stop Rainbow.”

I’m hurting them again. Just by trying to leave I’m hurting them.

What… What can I do? I have to leave, I have to get out of here, but… but just trying to does this? What am I supposed to do?! Anything I do hurts them, even trying to leave them alone!

I’m crying again.

“P-Please.” I’m begging them, beneath four sets of hooves, held down to a bed, and crying like the filly I am, I beg them. “Please let me go.” They just have to let me get away from them. The further I am from them, the better. That’s all that matters now. They’ll be safer.

“We will.” I look right into Applejack’s eyes as she says that. She’s close to crying to. I’m hurting all of them, just like Twilight. “We will let ya go Rainbow, just…” She swallowed on something, I don’t know what. “Just tell us wha’ happened?”

I can feel my breath quicken, my fur stand on end. My cracked and probably bleeding throat is tightening itself. Good. Maybe I’ll choke myself to death before I have to tell them. I can’t hurt them. I can’t. Not anymore than I already have.

“Rainbow, dear,” I look at Rarity, holding my foreleg down. “You were found out in the field’s behind Fluttershy’s house. Cloud Kicker found you on her cloud patrol. You wouldn’t wake up for a single thing. It was only by luck Fluttershy was home and took you in. You’ve been asleep for nearly an entire day.”

A day, an entire day doing nothing at all. Not flying, not talking, not moving, and barely breathing. That’s perfect. When I do nothing, I don’t hurt anyone. The less I do, the better. But… but I’m awake now… I can’t do nothing anymore, not while all my… not while they’re looking down at me.

“Dashie, please!” Pinkie’s hair isn’t bouncing. It’s not flat against her head, but I can tell that just one wrong word and she’ll start crying. That would make three. Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie. Rarity wouldn’t be too far behind. I have to get out of here.

“J-Just let me go.” I only feel their hooves press on me harder. “I-It’s my fault, it’s all my fault!”

“What is? What’s yer fault Rainbow?” How come she didn’t know? Wasn’t it obvious? Wasn’t it easy to see?

“I broke Twilight!”

I felt them lean off of me.

Good.

I pushed from the bed as fast as I could, jumping to the floor beneath me. My hooves and muscles screamed in protest, but I ignored them. The more I hurt the better. But not my friends, not them. I’ve hurt them too much, I’ve already broken one. I can’t be here anymore. I just can’t! I push for the door, so close to freedom.

It slams shut in front of me. Rarity is just beside the door, wearing a glare I have only seen a few times before. I deserve that glare. I deserve every bit of rage she has in it.

“Rainbow Dash.” She speaks my name slowly and so very lowly. “What in Equestria has you so… flustered?” No, not flustered, terrified. I’m terrified, can’t they see at least that? I’m a danger, I’m a hazard? The longer I’m here the closer I am to hurting them! I have to leave, but they won’t let me. Why not!

“We heard what you said Dash. What do you mean you broke Twilight? What happened?” This was bad, this was really really bad.

“Just… Just let me go.” I didn’t think it would work, but I had to try. I had to leave.

“Calm down girl,” Applejack speaks to me. I lower my muzzle to the ground, hiding myself from them. It isn’t helping, but it isn’t hurting. ”From the top now Dash.” I hear her speak slowly to me, no doubt leaning close to me in the hopes of getting me to talk. She was only hurting herself. But… but if I told them, maybe they’d let me go. I had to. I have to. If… If it means they hate me then, even better.

“I…” The words choked in my throat, swelling until they threatened to kill me. It would honestly be a genuine wish of mine. “I t-talked to… to T-Twi.” If there were tears left, I knew I would be sobbing. Instead, all I felt was the cool air against my still damp fur.

“What in Sam hill are ya’ll talkin’ about?” Of course they didn’t know. They wouldn’t know that right away. They wouldn’t believe it.

“I-I talked to her, spoke to her. Sh-She told me everything.” My teeth were clenched tight enough to shatter stone. I almost wanted to try. If I was lucky, I’d break my jaw.

“Rainbow…” That was Fluttershy, I knew it was. “What happened?”

“Y-You want to know?” I ask the question with all the hope I have left. I know that after I tell them, they’ll hate me. They’ll despise me, spit on me, maybe even break me. I deserve that. A friend who was never a friend to the truest of friends, that’s me. I deserve to be forgotten.

“I’ll tell you.”

So I told them everything.

I gave Twilight the book to record her journal in. I told her that she should use it like a diary. Iencouraged her to continue that list of hers. I brushed off the signs of distress until it was too late. I agreed with her in the end. Everything is my fault, just like she said. She may be broken, but she’s broken because of me. It’s all my fault.

A blessed silence filled the air around us after I finished. None of them said anything. I didn’t even here a hoof fall or ear twitch in the quietness. If I was lucky, they were going to get pitchforks ready, maybe even thinking of the worst possible way to hurt me. I’d deserve anything they could come up with. All that and more.

Maybe they’d ask the princesses for help. Breaking the precious student of the highest power in Equestria, why not have her bring the beat down on me? She sent her beloved sister to the moon for a thousand years, I’m sure she’d keep me on the sun for a few eons. Wouldn’t that be perfect? Spending the rest of existence burning in a ball of fire I can’t escape? That’s the best kind of torture for someone like me.

“So... Twilight is… catatonic?” That was Rarity. I knew it was Rarity. I just… I just wish it was a different kind of Rarity. The one that could buck a manticore, that one. She’s the one I wanted right now. I deserved a good buck to the face from her.

“We gotta help her!” That was Pinkie Pie, probably the only pony I can imagine cutting me up. Maybe she’d start with my wings. I took Twilight’s faith, so Pinkie would take my wings. It wouldn’t be enough, but it would be a start.

“B-But… how?” Must have been Fluttershy, because I could barely hear her. My face in the dirt and ears against my head, it was amazing I could hear anything at all.

“Dash,” Applejack was speaking down to me now, directionally. I wish she was mad at me. I’d deserve every bit of her rage. “One of us has ta talk ta Twi again, ya know. This ain’t one of her usual rants. She’s gotta have a friend now.”

“I-I know,” my voice trembles again. Twilight needs a friend, a good friend, an honest friend. Not me, not a… betrayer. “S-So go on. Go see her, please. She’ll listen to you.” I keep my eyes trained on the ground. Maybe if I stare at the dirt long enough, I’d be able to phase through it, bury myself. That would be good. Not great, but good.

“Ah already tried Dash.” The urge is definitely there to look up at her, ask what she means, but I don’t. I can’t. I don’t deserve to know.

“Dash, dear,” I hear Rarity speak to me now, resting a hoof on my back. My fur bristles at the contact. The only reason I don’t move away is from a lack of energy. I’ve been crying for too long. “Do you honestly think we would not have already tried to see Twilight? The poor dear has been so cooped up in her home, we were all nervous, not forgetting the horrendous state she was in before.” What… what was she saying?

“Did… Did you see her?” I ask the question carefully, eyes still focusing on the ground, resting on my hooves. The smaller I am, the better I am. “Like, did you go in to see her?”

“We tried Dashie, we all tried real hard to.” That was Pinkie, I didn’t even have to guess. “But we just couldn’t! No matter how many times I tried to open her bedroom door, it wouldn’t budge at all. It was shut tighter than the cabinet with sugar after hours. Twilight wouldn’t even answer me when I called, and I offered her every sweet I had.” My jaw trembled as my vision blurred.

“I-It wasn’t like we gave up.” That was Fluttershy. I felt her right next to me when she spoke. She was probably trying to make me feel better. Why? It would be better if she tried to make me feel worse. “It’s just that, oh no matter what we did she wouldn’t answer us. We only knew she was in there at all because the door was locked.”

“Don’t ya see girl?” Applejack spoke to me again, trying to get me to talk. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Not until they told me it was my fault, not until they asked me why I did this. Then I’d beg for them to forgive me and they’d refuse. That’s how it should go, that’s what should happen. I don’t deserve to be forgiven.

“N-No…” I muttered weakly. Maybe that would get them to insult me, to blame me. All they have to do is realize that this really is my fault. All of it. So… then they’d leave me alone.

I feel Rarity snake her leg around my neck, trying to pull me into a hug. I stiffen, pulling my shoulders close to me. I thought Fluttershy would do this, but I knew that at least one of them would try this. It doesn’t matter though. They can do what they want. It won’t change anything.

“It has to be you Dash.” I jerked away from them immediately.

“No way!” I shouted with all the strength I had. “No! She hates me! I hate me! T-There’s no way I can do that!” Tears were falling from my eyes again. I knew they were. I didn’t have to feel my fur dampen to know that they were there.

“There’s no one else that can do this.” I’ve only heard Fluttershy speak like that a few times, and those were mostly bad times. “She needs you, more than anypony else.”

“Why not!?” I yelled at her. I knew I did. Fluttershy can’t stand ponies yelling at her, let alone talking to her. It would hurt her. I would hurt her, just like I knew I would anyway. But… she didn’t. She just looked at me with pity. Why pity? I deserved anger, or rage, maybe at least fear. Not… not pity.

“Because you’re the only pony who could talk to her silly. None of us could get that far.” This wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t just one of them talk. I couldn’t argue with them all at once.

“But it’s my fault!” Why won’t they see that? It’s as clear as the sky above my bucking head, but they act like it’s impossible. Why? Why is it so impossible to believe that I’m a monster?

“No it ain’t Dash, never was.” Applejack spoke next, sighing as she gave me a hard look. I wouldn’t mind that, I wouldn’t, except she wasn’t angry at me. She should be! Can’t she see this is my fault? Can’t any of them?

“Yes! It! Is!” I shouted again, hooves slamming against the ground with every word. “I gave Twilight that book! I told her to keep a journal! I let her destroy herself!” I gasped for breath as words got caught in my throat, tears falling faster from my eyes. It hurt, oh Celestia it hurt so much. I want them to scream at me now, tell me that I’m right. Why can’t they do that?

“Are you okay Dash?” What was she asking? Was Pinkie seriously asking me that? I feel my face morph into a scowl, my pink eyes almost red with fury.

“No!” I shouted as loud as I could at her, staring right into her eyes as I did so. She didn’t flinch. “One of my best friends is torturing herself in her room because of a book I gave her, I’m a threat to all my friends with every word that I say, and you all just keep hounding me!” Now she would cry, start to raise her lips and bawl right in front of me. That would show them, that’d show all of them just how bad I am.

“Isn’t that our fault?” My eyes screw themselves as my brow furrows. What the hay does she mean by that?

“Weren’t you listening you cotton-maned ditz! It’s all my fault!”

“I’m not asking about Twilight silly willy.” She was smiling at me again. Why in the hay is she still smiling? “I’m asking about you.”

“For the last bucking time, it’s all my fault!” Just shut up Pinkie, just shut up!

“But you were all sad and in the dumps when we found you. Now you’re acting like a big meanie pants. Is it our fault that you’re so mad at us?” I open my mouth to scream at her again, to tell her off for thinking she understood me, but I can’t.

Something, some word that she said, was stuck in my mind. I’m not just mad, I’m pissed off, but… but it’s not their fault… it’s mine. It’s all my fault. So… why did Pinkie think it was her fault?

“Twilight is all mopey as dopey right now, and yeah, it’s because of that bad book you gave her.” That’s what I wanted to her. It’s what I wanted them to say since the beginning. But… why is she still talking. “But that doesn’t mean it’s your fault.”

“Then whose fault is it?” I don’t need to scream anymore. I’m too confused. It’s my fault; I know it’s my fault. Breaking Twilight, getting mad at my friends, that’s all my fault.

“Dash, its Twilight’s fault.”

I could feel the air being sucked from my lungs.

“W-W-What…” The word came out as more of a gasp than a question. I’m breathless after speaking it, my hooves crumbling beneath me.

“You weren’t grumpy when we showed up here Dashie.” Pinkie started to explain to me, acting for the entire world like she was talking about a day with the Cake Twins. “Yeah, you were feeling pretty sad, but you weren’t mad at us, or yourself. You just felt bad, super duper bad.” That’s because I am bad. “But you started yelling at us when we tried to talk to you. You were yelling because you were mad at us, maybe even a teensy weensy bit at yourself.” That’s because I should be mad at myself. “That’s not a whole lot different than what happened to Twilight.”

“I-I don’t… I-I-” A wet hiccup cuts off my rambling words.

“You didn’t do anything to hurt Twilight. You were just being a good friend, and you are one of the bestest friends a pony could have in all of Equestria.” That’s a lie, can’t she realize that. “You would never hurt one of your friends, ever.” But I did! “All you did was give a gift to Twilight, something that you thought would be super duper good. It’s not your fault that she’s all gloomy now.”

“Why?” I’m not hesitating to ask it. “Why do you keep saying that? It’s my fault because I-”

“Duh!” Pinkie says less than a hoof away from my face. “Cause you didn’t do anything! I mean, did you tell Twilight she was a failure at everything she does?” I felt a surge of anger towards those words.

“No!”

“Then why do you keep blaming yourself?”

“Because I gave her everything she needed to destroy herself!”

“And the Cakes give me an oven to cook with. That doesn’t mean it’s their fault when I burn a fresh batch of cookies.”

“That’s-” I couldn’t think of a response. I couldn’t even follow her logic! “That’s completely different!”

“Nope! Not really.”

“Darling,” Rarity speaks to me as she approaches me again, far more hesitant than before. Good. “Pinkie Pie is absolutely correct. You’re no more at fault for what happened to Twilight then… why no more than I’m at fault for a client ripping the dress I made them. Provided, yes it doubtlessly couldn’t have happened if I didn’t make the gown at all, but it’s not as if I could have seen it coming.”

“The same fer if I find a bad apple in a tree.” Applejack spoke up next. She’s a blur through my tears when I look at her. “Ah planted and cared for them trees, but it ain’t no fault of mine if I find one ‘er two bad apples in a bundle.”

“We all do what we think is best Rainbow.” My mane nearly whips my face when I turn to Fluttershy. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened to Twilight.”

“B-But-” I try to speak again, but I can’t. My throat is so tight, it’s almost choking me. My tears are thick, they’re close to drowning me.

“It’s not your fault, Dash.” I feel a cold fire in my throat, trying to suffocate me. “It never was.”

She’s hugging me. She’s holding me so close.

I don’t move. I don’t think.

I just cry.

I wrap my hooves around her harder than I ever pushed my wings in flight, gripping Fluttershy like the last lifeline in my terrible broken life. My face pushes itself into her coat, muffling my voice as I let it tear my throat apart.

It burns. It hurts!

Fluttershy lets her hoof run down my back, trying to soothe me as I rip myself apart. It was unfair. It was all so unfair. She’s trying to speak to me, trying to calm me down, but my voice drowns her out, even muffled in the coat of her fur. Was it really not my fault? Was… was all of this for nothing? I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all. All I know is that it hurts. It hurts so bad.

The rest of the girls crowd around me, holding me close, putting their hooves around me, surrounding me. I don’t know what to do but cry harder. How did this happen? Why was this happening? It… I don’t know anymore.

It was a long time until I could speak again. It was just as long until I could breathe freely again. My throat was raw and painful, vision blurry enough to confuse colors, but I was quiet at least. I didn’t need to cry anymore.

“Feeling better?” That was Pinkie Pie. I knew she wouldn’t want words. There was only one thing she wanted from her friends. I looked at her, or what I thought was her. There was more pink in the blur I saw than any other shape.

With all the energy that I could muster, I pulled my lips into a smile. I must have looked pathetic. Scratch that, I know I looked pathetic.

“Y-Yeah, a little.” A deep breath filled my lungs, stretching the abused muscles in my chest. But, it felt good, better at least. I knew the there was more I had to do. “Girls, I’m… sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout nothin’, Dash.” Applejack now. “We’re all friends here, that means we stick together harder than a tree does ta the ground.” I laughed a little at that, a short pathetic giggle. But it was something, something more than tears. I knew that would satisfy Pinkie.

“Indeed sweet heart. It will take more than a few words to split us apart.” I nod my head. She’s right. Rarity is absolutely correct.

“So,” I let out carefully, sitting back and looking around. “What now?”

Really, I didn’t have to ask.

“Now?” Rarity questioned, leaning back from me. “We give you a good wash, straighten your mane, then set you off to do what you have to do.”

“Talk to Twilight.” They all smiled as I said that. I’m pretty sure I’m smiling, too. “There’s no pony else who can.”

...And What We've Found.

In the past ten minutes, I had probably moved all of a couple of hoof lengths. It was probably the slowest I have ever moved before in my entire life.

It still felt too fast.

My teeth gnawed at my bottom lip, twisting the skin like a regular mare would her hair. The fur of my coat was standing on end the same way the feathers in my wings were bristled and stiff. I knew why though. It wasn’t a mystery to me.

After all, it’s kind of hard to ignore the problem when it’s standing right in front of me.

This wasn’t any different than how I felt before. Really, it was almost exactly the same. The library was cold and dark. The windows were shut and door closed. It wasn’t any different than the last time I had seen it. But now I knew what was inside. Didn’t stop me from shivering in my hooves.

I took another deep breath, the tenth in the past minute at least. Every time I let the air in, it felt like it would slip out through my clenched chest. It was like a claw was holding itself around me, reminding me that some part of this was my fault, that I should feel guilty because of this. So no matter how many breaths I took, it didn’t me-

My mane whipped left and right as I shook my head. No, this wasn’t my fault. This was… this was Twilight’s fault, but she needed help. She may be smarter than the rest of us combined, but she still needed help from us. Now was no different.

My hoof took another step forward. I was standing just in front of the doorway now. Just a few more steps and I’d be inside her home. I swallowed a ball that had lodged itself in my throat, giving my wings a quick flap to free the thing gripping my chest. It helped, just a little, but any amount of help was enough right now.

The door was hard on my hoof when I pushed against it, just a little cold too. The first fact was obvious. I knew the reason for the second. Leaning forward just a bit, I felt the hinges of the door frame swing open, revealing the same dark home that I had gone into just a couple of days ago.

The feeling of loneliness assaulted me the moment I took a step into Twilight’s home. Why was I alone now? It didn’t work out well last time. I sighed, holding back the urge to buck myself. We had all talked about this just a little bit ago. I was the only one who could do this. Twilight wouldn’t even listen to any of them, and ambushing her right now… that would be pretty bad, even I can realize that.

We all thought this through before I came here, me and the rest of the gals. Even if she wasn’t… excited to see me, she still let me see her. That was further than any of the other girls got. If we were all in there together… so many things could go wrong.

Twilight… she at least listened to me. If… If I can break through to her, even if just a little, it’ll be something more than any of the others could have done. Besides, I don’t think any amount of apples, sweets, hugs, or kisses are going to make Twilight better right now.

Right now… she needs to feel… something.

Before I know it now, I’m standing just outside her door. I want to laugh out of the irony, but my tight torso stops that. Really though, I couldn’t move more than a few hooves forward for the last few minutes, but then I just start thinking all deep and stuff and I’m right where I need to go. Twilight would probably think of some deeper meaning in that… Maybe she can tell me it once I help her.

Yeah, that’s how it’s going to go. Totally.

I lift my hoof to push against the door, but now I can’t even bare to touch it.

I had to, I know I have to. But… oh in the name of Celestia, why can’t these things ever be easy? I just want to run in there, tell Twilight to get better, than go on with life, but I know, I just know that as soon as I do, everything that happened before will happen again. She doesn’t need me to be tough and in her face… It’s like Applejack said, just saying what happened is what made her like this. She needed a friend now. A friend that… that knew where she was…

I guess I qualify now.

Another deep breath; another strain on my rib cage. This… isn’t going to be easy.

I let my hoof fall more than press against the door, pushing it open with my weight. It opens hard, taking more force than her front door, but slowly, probably just as slowly as I was moving before, it opens into another dark room. It’s different than the darkness behind me though, because in here… I’m going to have to talk.

Twilight is in here somewhere, and I know it. I can’t see at all, at least no better than last time, but I know that she wouldn’t have gone anywhere else. She was still invisible to me though, hidden in the dark like some evil secret of Princess Luna. But she was there. I knew she was there. All I had to do now was just talk to her. Easy… right?

“H-Hey Twilight.”

My voice almost echoed in the still air of the room. I heard blankets rustle as I finished speaking. It was all I needed to know that she was still in the room, not like I ever doubted that she wasn’t.

“I-It’s me...” I let my voice carry off as I finish. She’d recognize me, I knew she would. How could she forget the mare that broke her? It’s kinda hard to forget something like that. I hear more than see her blankets rustle on the bed. At least she responded to me. That’s farther than the rest of the girls got.

“Can I help you Dash?” Her voice made me shiver. Caustic and cold. Just like I deser- NO!

“Yeah, ah…” I feel like Fluttershy. I know what I want to… what I have to say, but I just can’t make a syllable with my lips. My teeth are more inclined to bite on them then let them move. “Can… we just talk?”

The room is cold and silent after I speak. I don’t hear her move at all. I’m stuck biting my lips, waiting for her to say something. I don’t know what I expect her to say though. I know what I want her to say, but I can’t see her saying it. So instead, I wait, and think.

It would be a blessing if this was all just some horrible bad dream. Maybe I left the window open before I went to bed. Twilight was telling me a while ago that cold air can bring you nightmares. If… if that was the case, and this was all just some horrible dream, I’d be so happy. I’d be thrilled. But that’s a fantasy, and this is real life.

“What do you want to talk about?” She asks me in a voice no different than before. That’s okay. I deserve it. I’d prefer shouting, but this is okay t-

I whipped my head as hard I could, letting my thoughts jostle themselves

“I-I just…” Okay, keep calm, I can do that… Yeah, I took lessons from Fluttershy during Wonderbolt Training. I can do this, easy. I just… need to think.

Twilight feels bad because she thinks she’s done more harm than good. Anything obviously good she’s done, she thinks is because of somepony else. I felt bad because I thought I made her think this way. I thought I made her think this way because of that… book. But… how do I fix this? Burn the book? Tell her she’s wrong? How?

My friends told me, convinced me, that it wasn’t my fault, that I’m not responsible for this. I want to help her, not just need to, want to. She needed to see that. Maybe… maybe if she sees that I want that more than anything else at this point, she’ll start to snap out of it. That’s a good place to start… but I can’t have her thinking of that book. Maybe I just… I need to get her mind off of it. But how?

“I wanted to ask… about… the new Daring Do?” I bit my lip as the words left my mouth like a question. What good was that going to do? I wasn’t in here for more than a few seconds and I was already screwing up again! Maybe my friends were wrong… maybe it really is my fault that- STOP NOW!

“Daring Do?” Her voice sounded like a condescending mother about to scold her filly. I almost felt that way.

“Y-Yeah, I mean…” My hooves start scratching against one another. We couldn’t see one another, but I felt more exposed than I ever had before. It was like she was watching me from everywhere, and not just in the blankets on her bed. “You were the one who got me into them, a-and you were right about how good they were.”

“I… was?”

She sounded confused. She sounded… not dead.

Something was working.

“Yeah!” I probably spoke that too loudly, but I couldn’t care. “I mean, you have no idea how much fun it is for me to read those books. They’re totally awesome. A mare who does the impossible no matter what is going on around her, adapting to every situation thrown at her. She’s like the mare every filly wants to be.”

I hear her blankets shuffling in the dark again. It really is impossible for me to tell how she’s moving, like getting up or just adjusting herself, but at least I know she’s not just ignoring me.

“I thought that…” she ran off mumbling something I couldn’t follow. She thought what? That I found those books myself? Hay to that! I wouldn’t have even picked up one of those things unless she convinced me to in the first place.

It was working!

“I was in the hospital for days and those books were so good, I actually wanted to stay in there longer. I mean, can you imagine that? Me! Rainbow Dash, the most awesome of the awesome ponies wanting to be in the hospital just so I could read a book?” I was smiling in the shadows. I know she couldn’t see me still, but… what was it that Pinkie always said? You can always hear some pony smiling when they talk.

She didn’t say anything; she was still just as silent as when I came in. I waited though. I knew she’d do something, she’d have to. At least… I hope she does. Otherwise, I was just running my mouth off for nothing.

But then I heard it. It was faint, dull, but in the silence as loud as a dragon’s roar. It wasn’t more blanket movement or words at all. It was something I had unknowingly wanted to hear since the moment I came here. Hooves moving across the floor.

Twilight was out of her bed.

I was truly, honestly, thrilled.

I didn’t speak, at least I tried not to, biting my lips more out of excitement than nervousness. I have no idea what she’s trying to do, but I know that her doing anything more than just talking poorly of herself in that bed is a good thing. Her hooves click against the floor lightly, but in a slow tempo. Then again, my heart was beating so fast with excitement; everything was probably slow to me at this point.

Then I heard something else, something… hard, like a rock. No… Twilight didn’t keep rocks in her home, it was… it was the flint! She was going to light the candle! I felt my hooves nearly bouncing on the floor with excitement! This was so easy! All it took was just a single reminder of what she had done and she was good as new! Well… okay, not quite there yet, but still.

There was a small flick of sparks in the dark, impossible to miss. Nothing lit though, and I realized she must have missed the candle. Who wouldn’t when the room was impossible to see in. Another spark with another dull sound of scraping stone, but still nothing happened. She… was probably just a little weak. It was like… what, almost a week of being up here alone? Who wouldn’t be a little weak after that? Didn’t matter though, just a quick party with the rest of the gals and-

The candle lit.

I stopped thinking. I started staring.

If Twilight looked frail before, she was brittle now.

Her mane was beyond frazzled… it was graying, aging even. It looked like it belonged on the head of a mare three times her age, not a filly who was on the tail end of her studies with the Princess. The streak of pink that I normally always pegged her for was impossible to see, too much of her mane the same color now. But then… with the body she had now, it didn’t look out of place…

The forelegs she had propped on the table were thin, so… oh my sweet Celestia so thin! I thought they were twigs, I hoped they were twigs. Counting the bones along her undercarriage would have been easier than counting the feathers in my wings. That’s not even mentioning the way her skin sunk into her face. The lavender fur that covered her hid nothing, if anything, it showed everything. Her coat didn’t look any better than her mane, though. If anything it was worse, so much worse.

Patches of it were gone, bald and bare showing the light lavender skin beneath. What fur I did see in the candlelight was lighter than her skin. I didn’t know if it was the lighting or whatever, but… her fur looked like it would blow away with the wind. I was scared to breath for just that reason. No... that wasn’t why. I couldn’t breath because of what I saw in her eyes.

Nothing. Just like last time… worse than last time. Before… there was at least something in there. There was sadness, loneliness, maybe even a bit of helplessness. Now… nothing. It was like looking into a glass ball. It was like she wasn’t there anymore, like there wasn’t a Twilight left. Her body looked dead… every part of her…

I couldn’t hear anything, I couldn’t feel anything. My vision was stuck on the dying mare in front of me, my jaw hanging uselessly, shaking with something I didn’t know. It was either fear or sorrow, but I couldn’t tell which one. My heartbeat rocked my ears, pressed against the flat of my skull. Wings hanging low until they touched the floor, legs shaking like I was standing over an earthquake, I swallowed on nothing, the ball in my throat growing larger with every second I watched her.

How… How did this happen? Just… just thinking made this happen? A few bad thoughts, a few wrong ideas… and Twilight Sparkle, the strongest unicorn I have ever met looked like… that?

My vision blurred, forcing my eyes to look away.

Oh Celestia, this was bad. This was at least twenty times worse than what I thought it was before. I-I thought she was just thinking the wrong way, and that was bad enough to make me want to… to die! But, but this? I was nothing short of a freaking miracle that I didn’t start hurting myself.

I choked on air, pushing a ruff sob from my throat as tears trailed themselves down my muzzle. I tasted the… the awful salty liquid as it trailed over my lips. It was like drinking acid. No, acid would be better. At least then I might be able to die.

I… I couldn’t do this.

They were wrong. I was wrong. This was all my fault. No way around it! How… How could Twilight looking like this be her fault? There’s no way a mare would do this to herself, not in any book or story I’ve ever read or even want to read. This was my fault… and… and now I had to fix it.

Just one apology, and then I’d be gone. It would be the last time any of them would see me. My friends, the town, Twilight… I-I’d just be gone, farther than Fluttershy’s house, and so much farther than the Everfree Forest. I’d… I’d go past the Crystal Mountains, maybe over the seas. I don’t know, but anywhere is better than here.

Here I just cause pain.

I tried to take a deep breath, but found that my lungs shook as much as my body. I took in nothing but gasps of air. My teeth clenched. Some part of me actually hoped they’d crack. Looking up, I looked right at the pale purple mare, ready to beg for forgiveness before I left for redemption.

She wasn’t looking at me though. She was looking at her desk. The glassy orbs reflected the candlelight the same way I’ve seen mirrors do in Rarity’s Boutique. It made the claw over my chest grip even harder. My trembling lips moved to speak, ready to speak… but couldn’t speak.

There was something in Twilight’s mouth.

No.

She was holding a quill in her mouth.

No.

She was using the quill to write something.

No.

That… The book was open on the desk.

No!

“No!” I screamed my thought without even trying to stop myself. I didn’t take inaction against what I did next either.

My hooves darted across the now bare lit room, putting myself right beside the haggard form of Twilight. I didn’t push her, no I didn’t even touch her. Some part of me thought that if I did, she’d turn to dust! What I did do was tear the book right out from her hooves, throwing it on the ground that I hoped would ruin it. A quick flicker of the flames and I saw it no more damaged than the unicorn’s bed sheets.

I looked at Twilight, hard. She looked at me… with nothing. Her eyes were on me, but I didn’t see her looking at me. I felt my coat and feathers bristle, but I didn’t say anything. Words were doing nothing. No, less than nothing, they were doing harm.

Words were what made Twilight start to doubt herself. They were what broke her, twisted her, and made her… this thing. Words were what convinced me that I was a traitor, a coward, a… a monster even. No… words were stupid and worthless. My vision fell from her down to the book on the floor. I have no idea what she wrote. She wasn’t using her magic, so she wasn’t speaking what she was writing. I already knew it was going to be bad… but I still had to see.

My hoof flicked the book, turning over until its pages were looking up at me. I didn’t bother to read what was on them. I kicked more than pushed the pages until I reached the end, the first really empty blank page in the thing so far. Well, not completely blank. There were two lines written on the empty page on the left. That had to be what Twilight was writing.

I scanned the words as fast as I could.

1021: Made Rainbow Dash wish she stayed in the hospital

1022: Made Rainbow Dash cry wh

She didn’t get to finish the rest of that one, like that did any good. It was pretty freaking obvious what she thought.

“Is this what you really think Twilight?” I wanted to sound mad, angry even. It didn’t work the first time, hay, I can’t think of a single time when it has worked, but I still really wanted to. Instead though, my voice sounded like the farthest thing from what I usually sounded like.

I sounded sad.

“Do… Do you really think everything is so simple like this?” Her head cocked to the side; almost as if something has moved out of place in her mind and she was trying to angle it back in.

I hate words. I really do. I hate them worse than the bullies from Flight School or the stupid prophecies that keep putting me and my friends in danger. But right now… I think I got it.

Words were what broke Twilight, because words were all that she cared about. She wrote down and read everything, listened to everything, and put every action she saw into words. Words were, almost literally, her life. So maybe, just this one time, if Celestia bless me, I could make those words do some bucking good.

I took another deep breath. I hoped it was the last one I needed.

“Twilight, do you really think this is how every pony sees you? That we just… keep track of what you’ve done right and wrong?” She didn’t move aside from her jaw opening and closing. “Well, let me tell you, we don’t. I have never once thought of you as anything else other than one of the most important and dependable ponies I know. You don’t stop working until you’ve done something beyond 100%, and you don’t stop moving until you’ve fixed every little thing that has gone wrong.

“That’s something that I… admire about you. I either give up because I don’t understand something or fly away because I don’t want to deal with it. You. Never. Do. That.” I punctuated every word with my hoof on the ground. Twilight blinked. “I can name a hundred different times every pony in Ponyville, or hay, even Equestria, thought we were done for, but you always found a way out. You and you alone. Sure, we helped, and that’s what friends do, but we only helped because you knew what to do.

“So what if you’ve made a few mistakes, you’ve always fixed them. So what if you don’t finish everything you start, that just means you finish the things that are important to you. And so what if you don’t have the answer to every question, that just means you have something else to learn.” I wasn’t taking a deep breath, but did stop to breath.

“You’re important to me Twilight, to me and all of your friends. No matter what you think about yourself, please realize that you will never get us to think any less of you.” I swallowed on the saliva collecting in my mouth. “If you need me to, I could fill that book with all the good that you’ve done, and I still wouldn’t be any more than halfway done.” To this day, I still don’t know what made me say what came next.

“I’d give up anything to see you happy again Twilight. I’d even give up my wings.”

I shut my eyes as I spoke the words. They slipped out before I could even think what they meant to me. Giving up not only my passion, but my dreams. Letting go of the thing that defined me. Would I really be able to do that? Give up… everything I had just to see Twilight happy again? Just to see her smile and life like, like she had on Hearth’s Warming Eve? With the image of the mare in front of me against the memory of the unicorn in my mind, it wasn’t a hard decision.

Of course I would.

For a while nothing moved in the room. Even with the low level of light coming from the flickering flame on the candle wax, I didn’t bother to look around. I didn’t want to see a broken mare with empty eyes right now. Now… I wanted nothing more than to hear Twilight say the phrase I was so determined to say to her.

“I’m sorry.”

That… that wasn’t me.

That was Twilight.

She could have said anything at that moment and it would have affected me the same. It wasn’t that she apologized, oh Celestia, I swear this mare has apologized almost as much as Fluttershy has in her life. But… no, it’s how she said it. It wasn’t cold or empty or heartless. When she spoke, she sounded alive.

She sounded like Twilight.

“I-I’m sorry!” My eyes shot to her as soon as she spoke those words. Her hooves wobbled across the floor, moving towards me. I was still as a statue, shocked and awed. Happy and terrified. Thrilled and scared. “P-Please. I… I didn’t know… I don’t kn-know…”

Her hooves fell from beneath her.

Sprawled across the floor like she was dropped, I found myself trying to hold back from crying in fear. It only got harder as I started to hear something else. Something… I had only heard come from myself, at least recently.

Twilight was crying.

Tears fell from her glassy eyes, dampening the wood beneath her as they slid off the clear patches of skin on her legs. Wracking breaths coughed and choked her, making her carriage vibrate and twitch in a way that I thought just looked painful. Her head swayed back and forth, moving without any kind of force behind it. It took me a moment to realize that she was trying to stand… but she couldn’t. She was too weak to even stand.

I’m crying again too.

I was next to her before I had another thought, lying next to her before I thought of how I might hurt her again. My wings were around her, my hooves around her neck, and her face against my underbelly. She was cold and still for a moment, a brief second that felt longer than the past two days put together. But then the sobs returned in force, muffled against my fur. Her weak legs and hooves tried to pull on me, to bring me closer, but she couldn’t move me any more than I could move the earth.

Twilight was crying into me like a lost foal. Shaking and screaming into my fur as my coat grew damp around her. My wings were still pulled around her, but no harder than the blankets on her bed. My hooves slowly traced the pale mane on her head, as softly as I could possibly manage. She was more fragile than glass right now, already cracked and nearly broken.

“I-I’m s-s-sso… ss-ssoo…” she kept trying to speak, but every time she came close, another heaving sob would pull the air from her lungs and push tears from her eyes. I didn’t say anything. I hated words. I still do.

So instead, I kept her close to me. I held Twilight against me as she poured everything she had hidden away. I felt all of her emotions spill over me, through her cries, tears, and frail legs. Her body shivered in my wings and her cries shook my hooves. But I didn’t let go. There’s no way that I could.

“P-Plea-ea-ease ff-fforgive mm..”

“Shh..” I spoke as softly as I could. She was hurting herself by just talking, more than she already was. I leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead, just aside the base of her horn. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” She continued to cry.

Time was lost against me through Twilight’s cries. It could have been minutes or hours, I’d even believe a few days, before Twilight slowly grew quiet in my hooves. Her harsh breathing had fallen into a soft snore, her nose and muzzle pushed against my coat. The lavender coat around her was still damp and wet from her tears, but her eyes were shut and hidden. Somehow, I knew that whatever was behind those closed lids was anything but glass.

I continued to rub my hooves through her mane, grooming her in her sleep as her frail legs held me close. Even if I wanted to move, I doubt that I could, not without hurting her and definitely not without waking her. I didn’t mind though. This… this is what I wanted.

She wasn’t back, not yet. There’s no way either of us would be able to just walk away from something like this. What she said, what I thought, what we did, we meant everything. My eyes looked at the journal still open on the ground, just out of my reach beneath the desk where I had thrown it. I let a low sigh escape my lips. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind about burning that thing to oblivion and beyond.

Twilight told me once, before any of this began, that books always taught us lessons. They were meant to guide us, help us, and teach us things we could never realize by ourselves. If there was anything I had learned, it was that there would always be some pain. Bruises, scrapes, maybe a broken bone, even… trauma like this. But that didn’t mean that was the end of it. Things never stopped moving, for better or worse. But that’s what made us stronger.

Twilight and I… we wouldn’t be the same after this.

Even as I held the tired and damaged mare in my hooves, I knew she would never be the same Twilight that I had given the empty book to before. This would always haunt her the same way it would me. We could try and forget, and maybe even force ourselves to, but it would still be there. Really though, it was okay.

I would be there for her, no matter what, making sure that she never thought anything close to this again. It would take time, weeks, months, who knows maybe years. It didn’t matter though, not to me at least. Not as long as I kept her safe, as long as this never happened again. As long as we kept moving, there was always some progress to be made.

Author's Note

Kay, yeah, I don’t know how to feel about this. This whole story came to me because of something that I have personally been doing. I’m not kidding. I keep track of every mistake and success I do through the day. Trouble is, I haven’t actually been able to get myself out of the funk that I’ve been in for… the past four or five months.

Why am I saying this? Because I don’t personally know how believable the ending is. If you think it’s rushed, or unrealistic, I can’t really defend against it. Most of the time, my stories are based off things that have happened to me or those around me, at least to a small degree. It’s what makes my stories… well… emotional. This, everything about it is true until the turn around scene with Dash (Last Chapter).

Basically, if you feel disappointed, let down, or gruff about the ending, this is my excuse. Let me know all the same, I’m willing to take any suggestions on how to make it more realistic, aside from extending it for five or six chapters. I still have 18 other stories to write… Jesus.

If this did affect you though, maybe listening to a good song will change your mind… (Spitfire showed it to me…)