You’re eating at a cat café when a pair of earth ponies walk in. The purple mare understands and respects local customs, but the green one is oblivious. You continue observing them as you eat.
“This is cat café, Minty. I think you’ll enjoy eating here.”
“But I don’t want to eat a cat, Kimono! I like cats!”
Kimono shoves Minty playfully. “The cats aren’t for eating, they’re for petting. It’s a theme restaurant. The cats walk around while you eat and you can pet them.”
“Kitties! Itty bitty kitties!”
Kimono grabs Minty by her tail. “We need to be seated first. Then you can play with the kitties.”
The server appears and leads them to a table, and Kimono translates the menu for her friend while Minty fidgets. They eventually order, then turn their attention to the cats.
Minty flops on the floor and wiggles her tail, instantly catching the attention of every cat in the café. The closest kitty pounces on her tail, trying to grasp it, but Minty pulls it away. Kimono follows her friend’s lead, dangling her tail to captivate their feline audience.
After observing them for a while, it becomes apparent that these are the perfect mares to star in your new movie. You approach them and introduce yourself. You pay for their meals and lead them back to your movie studio.
The studio is only a few blocks away, and after a quick trot you’re there. You give them a tour and Minty’s eyes go wide as she sees a miniature version of the city. “Oh, this is the world’s coolest diorama!”
You chuckle. “It gets cooler, it’s 100% interactive.”
She oohs in appreciation, reaching a hoof out to touch the nearest building. You shake your head. “Not yet. First, we need to get the two of you ready. Make-up!”
A mare arrives and whisks your two new stars away to get ready for the film. They return, with Minty looking the same, and Kimono sporting butterfly wings made of gossamer and dew. They return to find a robotic Minty waiting for them.
Minty blinks. “There’s a mechanical version of me. Why is there a mechanical version of me?”
“This is the Mecha-Mintzilla™. While Kimono was getting the wing spell placed on her, we scanned your brain and uploaded a copy of it into a robot chassis we had ready to go,” you explain. “The citizens of the city build this in response to your attack, and you’ll battle it throughout the movie.”
You direct Minty through the opening scene. Minty, dressed as a scientist, discovers a breezie, Kimonthra. Kimonthra wants all ponies to know what breezies feel like, so she uses an ancient embiggener to make Minty into a giant pony.
With the paper thin plot taken care of, it’s time to get to what the audience is really there to see – stuff getting destroyed! You lead Minty to the miniature set for the next scene and her eyes get shiny in anticipation.
“I get to stomp all this?” she asks, excitedly.
You nod and she jumps for joy. Miniature buildings are already swaying and the camera isn’t even rolling yet.
“In this scene, you emerge from the water and start demolishing the docks.”
Minty turns around and looks at her tail. “But I’m attached to my dock.” She wiggles the fleshy part of her tail for emphasis.
You sigh and explain. “The marina. You destroy the miniature marina. Do you understand?” Minty nods and you direct her to the water. Once she’s in place, you yell, “Action!”
Minty emerges from the water and starts laying waste to the miniature docks and warehouses. “Now hit the power plant.” Minty obeys your directions and you yell, “Cut! Good work. The power plant is going to explode and drive you back into the ocean. That gives everypony in town time to build the Mecha-Mintzilla™ before your next scene.”
You film some more scenes with the rest of the cast, showing the construction of Mecha-Mintzilla™, explaining how it was made to emulate Mintzilla’s personality. Then it’s time for Minty’s next scene, and she comes ashore in the business district. The camera pans over to a skyscraper, which opens up to reveal Mecha-Mintzilla™.
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online. Ooooh! What does this button do?” Mecha-Mintzilla™ pushes a shiny big red button on her chest, and lines of code flash through her eyes. “Self-destruct sequence activated.” Her mechanical lips tremble. “Someone please find my owner’s manual and tell me how to override th…” Mecha-Mintzilla™ explodes mid-sentence.
“Cut!” you yell. That wasn’t supposed to happen. “We’re going to need another Mecha-Mintzilla™.”
The delay costs the production team three days and thousands of bits as the robotic Minty is rebuilt.
The chief of props enters the studio and cheerfully exclaims, “Great news! Mecha-Mintzilla™ has been successfully rebuilt. This time, we have put the self-destruct button on her back, where she can neither see, nor push it.”
You nod, appreciative. You get Minty into position, and resume the scene where you’d left off days prior.
Minty emerges from the water and stomps into the city’s business district, surrounded by miniature skyscrapers as tall as she is.
Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark II is unleashed, and immediately trips on a subway entrance, flattening several blocks of the miniature downtown as she rolls to a stop. “I meant to do that.” The words have barely left her mechanical lips when they’re followed by the words she’s learned to dread. “Self-destruct sequence activated.” She blinks, large metal eyelids covering the lenses’ serving as her eyes. “Oh Tartarus, not again.”
You facehoof as Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark II exploding leaves a crater in the set. “Cut.”
After multiple mishaps with Mecha-Mintzilla™, the director of props enters, announcing, “After prior events, we anticipated this situation. We’ve constructed a factory capable of producing a new Mecha-Mintzilla™ every twenty-seven minutes.”
The cost of the movie is spiraling out of control. The studio is going to be upset, but you have faith you can still turn this movie into a smash hit. “Minty, in this scene you destroy the business district, and then Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark VIII or whatever number Mecha-Mintzilla™ we’re up to now tries to stop you.”
“If there’s one thing I’m really good at, it’s breaking things.”
“Exactly! You can do this, Mints,” Kimono urges from the sidelines, her part in the movie completed. “It’s the duty you were born to perform!”
“I really, really wish I could refute that, but…”
“The evidence does back me up. Remember the candy cane?”
“Yes, among other things. Many, many other things.” Minty sighed.
You manage to get through the scene this time, with things going mostly as scripted. But you’re running over budget and this calls for changes to the script to save money.
[CHOICE]
The city befriends Mintzilla. (hero)
Change the movie to a comedy, focusing on Mecha-Mintzilla™ exploding repeatedly. (chaos)
Nopony in the city will be safe until Mintzilla is eliminated once and for all. (villain)
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online.” Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark III takes a step, only to hear, “Self-destruct sequence activated.” She lifts her leg, only to find the self-destruct button the bottom of her hoof. “Seriously, who thought this was a good ide…”
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online.” This time Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark IV examines each of her legs in turn, not finding a self-destruct button anywhere. She rears up, but there’s no sign of it on her barrel either. She trots off, thinking she’s safe, only to catch a glance of something red in her reflection. She walks over to the shiny glass skyscraper and stares, dumbfounded, at her tail. The self-destruct button has been placed under her tail, in the most embarrassing place possible. She blushes and sits down without thinking. “Self-destruct sequence activated.” She facehoofs.
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online.” Without checking the underside of her hooves, Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark V starts trotting toward Mintzilla.
This time she makes it to the rampaging pony, and Mintzilla takes one look at the robot and boops her nose.
“Self-destruct sequence activated.” Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark V spares a quick glance at her reflection in a backyard swimming pool and sees the button located on her snout. It’s the last thing she does.
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online.” Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark VI wastes no time, immediately finding the big red button and pushing it just to get the inevitable over with. “Self-destruct sequence activated.” She sighs. “Why do I even have a self-destruct button?”
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online.” Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark VII stands there. “I’m just standing here not moving. At all. Ever.” Because she’s stationary, she makes a good resting place for birds, one of which lands on the big red button on the top of her head. “Self-destruct sequence activated.” She whimpers. “I’ll be back!”
The movie underperforms at the box office, but Mecha-Mintys become the must-have item of the holiday season. The factory that was made to produce them for the movie finds itself unable to keep up with demand. Versions without a self-destruct retail for a few thousand bits. Versions with a self-destruct retail for even more… and require signing a waiver.
You wisely kept the merchandise rights to the film, making a fortune and purchasing the now-bankrupt studio.
Author's Note
Story notes: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1049204/story-notes-mintzilla
