Pinkie is Dead!

by King of Madness

Rating: everyone
Tags: Mystery, Comedy, Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1315

Pinkie is Dead!

Pinkie Pie is dead. Now, everypony, including Pinkie, must figure out who killed her.

Parody of Heavy is Dead.

Reading here.
And here.

Published 2023-11-30 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-11-30 04:20:01 UTC

Pinkie is Dead?!

What a lovely day to be not dead in Ponyville. Pinkie Pie in particular was very not dead; in fact, she was quite alive. Being the very alive pony she was, Pinkie was enjoying a nice sunny day. There were plenty of things she'd like to be doing; too many things perhaps, which is why yesterday, she had asked Twilight for suggestions on what she should do. Twilight had suggested reading. It seemed quite the challenge, so Pinkie bravely accepted the proposal.

Sitting on a stump a little ways from Ponyville, Pinkie tried her best to read the book she had picked up, How to Die for Dummies. She found the task of sitting still and staring blankly at page after page of words a daunting task. So much so, that she found it difficult to read even a single sentence. Or perhaps it was because she was holding the book upside down.

Any hope of expanding her mind was dashed when a bullet went straight through her head; in one ear and out the other. Pinkie didn't seem fazed until a voice called to her. "Ha! You're dead, Pinkie!"

Pinkie gasped and dropped the book to clutch her chest. "I'm dead!" She then fell to the ground, her eyes rolled back and her tongue falling out of her mouth.

Pinkie was dead.

A few minutes later, Rainbow Dash, enjoying a fly through town, spotted the limp body of the pink pony. Flying down towards her, she gasped in shock and horror. "Pinkie, what happened?!"

"Somepony killed me!" Pinkie said, raising her head from the ground.

"Who?!"

"I dunno, I'm dead!" She pointed to the tombstone she had set behind her that said, 'Here Lies Pinkie Pie'.

"My goodness, darlings." A familiar voice called out to the two. They turned to see Rarity trotting over to them. "What's all the commotion about?"

"Pinkie is dead!" Rainbow answered.

"Pinkie is dead?!" Rarity repeated in shock.

"Yeah, look!" She pointed to Pinkie, who was laying in an open coffin.

"Why, this is absolutely terrible! Of all the worst possible things that could happen today, this is the. Worst. Possible. Thing!" She levitated a couch over and dramatically fainted onto it, only to land on a different soft surface. "Wha- Pinkie, get off my fainting couch."

"Sorry." Pinkie apologized.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Can we skip the drama queen stuff? Pinkie is dead!"

"Pinkie is dead?!" Rarity and Pinkie echoed.

Rarity threw her mane back and returned to her hooves. "Your right. Now, is not the time to be silly." The unicorn picked up Pinkie's body with her magic. "Come, we must get her to the library. Twilight will know what to do."

With that, the two made their way to Golden Oaks Library with Pinkie in tow. Soon, they reached their destination and Rainbow kicked in the door. "SomePONY once told me-!"

The sudden intrusion startled the lavender unicorn and costed her a game of Overwatch. "What the-What are you doing here?!" She angrily turned to her uninvited guests.

"Pinkie is dead!" Rainbow and Rarity answered, motioning to the limp pony in Rarity's telekinetic grasp.

"Pinkie is dead?!" Twilight echoed.

"Correct, and we were hoping you could help us figure out what happened." Rarity explained.

"I see." Twilight puzzled for a moment, rubbing her chin in thought. "Spike, bring me a table."

"Table." The young dragon appeared with a metal table.

"Table!" Twilight nodded and placed Pinkie's body on said furniture. She proceeded to examine the body, causing several bouts of giggling from the dead Earth pony.

"Well, can you tell us why Pinkie is dead?" Rarity asked.

"Pinkie is dead?!" Rainbow and Twilight echoed.

"Yes! She died!"

"Correction; if my observations are correct... Pinkie was killed!"

"Killed?!" Rainbow's eyes widened. "By who?"

Just then, Fluttershy walked through the door. "Pardon me, Twilight, but could I borrow some- Holy horse cheese, what happened?!" Fluttershy's errand was forgotten when she saw Rainbow, Rarity, and Twilight gathered solemnly around Pinkie's body which laid peacefully with a glass coffin like out of some fairytale.

"Pinkie is dead!" They all answered.

"Pinkie is dead?!" Without thinking, Fluttershy pounced on top of Pinkie and started doing chest compressions that caused the dead pony's limps to flail up with each press. "Come back to us, Pinkie!" Fluttershy pleaded before taking a deep breath and giving Pinkie mouth to mouth, causing the pink pony to inflate like a balloon. She did this several times until she blew too much air in and Pinkie popped. "Oh, it's no use!" Fluttershy tearfully admitted. "Pinkie is dead!"

"Pinkie is dead?!" Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Twilight repeated.

"But who killed her?" Rarity returned the group to the question.

"I think it was-" Pinkie began to offer.

"Quiet, Pinkie." Rainbow shushed her. "You're dead."

"Okay." With that Pinkie fell to floor, stiff as a board.

Thinking, Twilight turned to her assistant. "Spike, go search for clues."

"Gun." Spike handed Twilight a gun.

"Gun!" Twilight said in triumph. "This is the reason Pinkie is dead!"

"Pinkie is dead?!" Rainbow, Rarity, and Fluttershy repeated.

"Spike, check for fingerprints."

"Ponies don't have fingers." Spike pointed out.

"Oh, nooo!" Twilight cried out.

Rainbow shook her head. "I guess we'll never know."

Pinkie poked her dead body on the floor with a stick. "Pinkie is dead!" She pointed out.

"We know." They others answered.

Pinkie tapped her chin and groaned in annoyance. "Seriously, who killed me?"

"I did." A southern voice called from the door.

The others turned to see Applejack leaning against the doorframe, sipping on a bottle of hard cider.

"You?!" Rainbow, Rarity, Twilight, and Fluttershy gasped in surprise.

"But how?" Twilight asked.

"Like this." Applejack casually pulled out a revolver and shot at Rarity, hitting her flank.

"Yeeouch!" The fashionista flew upwards from the pain and landed on the chandelier. "Applejack, you butt-shooting mud slut!"

Applejack burped and laughed. "Nah, that was a joke." She took another swig. "It was her." She pointed at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow's wings flared up. "Wha- How did you know?"

Applejack burped again. "I didn't. That was a joke too." She chuckled to herself and went to find the bathroom.

Realizing she had just told on herself, Rainbow let out an evil laugh. "Yes, I killed Pinkie!"

Pinkie looked to her friend in shock. "But why, Dashie?!"

"Because of this!" Rainbow held up booklet with the word 'Cupcakes' written on it.

"What?" Pinkie gawked at Rainbow. "That story is so old."

"Also, you're annoying."

"Hey!"

"And you're dumb."

"Dashie, stop it!"

"Dumber than a rock in Special Ed."

"Dashie, you're so mean!"

"And you smell like a McDonald's bathroom."

"STOP IT!" Pinkie stomped the floor, fuming.

Twilight and Fluttershy looked back and forth from Pinkie to Rainbow as they continued to bicker. With the mystery solved, Twilight decided to keep out of this. "So, Fluttershy, what did you need?"

"Huh?" Fluttershy started. "Oh, I was wanting to borrow some lotion. I was dealing with some bees and... you know."

Twilight winced and spared another glance at the arguing pair. "I'll help you with that." With that, the two left.

Pinkie gritted her teeth as Rainbow continued to insult her. "How about another joke, Dashie?"

Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Even dead, you're a clown."

"What do you get when you cross a dead pony with a pegasus that kills her and treats her like trash?!"

Rainbow shrugged. "I dunno. Angel Bunny?"

"You get dead!" Pinkie whipped out her party cannon and blasted Rainbow point blank, sending the pegasus through the wall of the library, leaving a Rainbow Dash-shaped hole behind.

Having defeated her killer, Pinkie stood triumphant. "Pinkie is no longer dead!" She proudly proclaimed.

"Lovely, dear, now can you help me down?" Rarity called from the chandelier.

Meanwhile, Spike sat back and took up Twilight's abandoned game. "Well, that was stupid."