The Twilight Prince: Redux

“Because, Applejack.” Twilight spoke with tears streaming down his face, “I am a stallion.”

Applejack stared at her longtime friend turned stallion in confusion; he was telling the truth – Honesty told her that – but that didn't mean that it made any sense. He wasn't going to become a mare again because he was now a stallion? It ain't make no sense.

Applejack shook her head, even as a mare, Twilight had always been a particularly colty pony; she had been prone to fits that would make even the most whimsical of city colts concerned.

But, then again, none of the rest of her friends were particularly maresculine, honestly.

Sometimes, it felt like Applejack was the only mare in a friend-group made of stallions with the amount of drama and other nonsense they get up to ....

... just without the primary benefit that would result from such an arrangement.

Hay, Applejack may be an earth mare of good character, but she wouldn't say no to being surrounded by a bunch of hot studs.

Especially not after having lived her whole life in the stud desert that is Ponyville.

There were very few stallions in the town who weren't either gelds or taken. Hay, the only real eligible bachelor in the town was Applejack's own brother.

And despite what dirty lies the city ponies liked to spew, country ponies didn't do that with their own siblings ... or cousins ... or any family whatsoever.

But now Twilight was a stallion, and he was apparently going to stay that way.

Applejack inspected her friend, and couldn't help but admit that Twilight made a pretty colt.

He was tall, tall enough to look Princess Celestia in the eyes. That naturally meant he had the longest set of legs Applejack had ever had the pleasure to see on a stallion, easily enough to keep up with the most unruly of foals. Even better, he didn't have the thin, fragile build that cursed most unicorns; he actually had muscles.

Before Applejack knew it she was outright ogling the stallion's muscles and she found that, while he was somewhat thinner than she preferred her stallions, he definitely was attractive enough to draw out idle fantasies.

And they were just idle fantasies, Applejack was a proud Apple, there was a lot more she looked for in a stallion than a pretty face or long foal chasing legs or powerful musculature or heavy, churning balls or a thick, glorious sheath or a wonderful, overpowering musk.

Many mares had been ruined by falling for a pretty colt of poor character.

Why, her cousin Ambrosia had just gone through a right nightmare due to falling for a stallion from a wealthy Manehattan family.

Not that Twilight was a pony of poor character ... but he was undeniably poor husband material nonetheless.

The mares of the Apple Clan had long held to their 5 S's – well, most Apple mares at least – a good colt was strong, sturdy, simple, silent and subservient. Twilight passed the first two easily, but the other three?

Applejack snorted, she couldn't think of a stallion who more catastrophically failed them.

Even as a mare, even as a unicorn, Twilight had been one of the most unreasonably complicated ponies Applejack had ever met, and she doubted that that had changed with his change of sex.

And the latter two? Well, that wasn't really his fault, he had been raised as a mare, of course he acted as if he were a mare; only time would tell if he ever learned to act like a proper stallion.

And then there was the entire 'alicorn prince' thing, the 'noble' combination of a pegasus and a unicorn.

The Apple family had not survived as long as it had by involving itself in noble nonsense. That alone would be a deal breaker.

More so, pegasi rarely made good stallions, much too flighty and unreliable. Applejack had no idea what fell influence could drive the winged ponies so far into the sky, so far from the loving embrace of the Earth. Very few of them had the good sense to keep all four hooves on the ground as Harmony intended.

And then there was his horn.

Now Applejack trusted Twilight; the alicorn simply wasn't the kind of pony to ever descend to the deprivations of witchcraft – to use curses and hexes to steal the souls of the innocents for power – but that didn't mean that Applejack was comfortable his hocus pocus, how freely he burned his own soul to power his magic.

Even if alicorns seemed to have a lot of soul to burn, if Princess Celestia was any indication.

So no, even as attractive as he was, Applejack was not genuinely interested in Twilight in 'that way'.

That said, Applejack wasn't opposed to eye-candy, especially when his long legs meant that the mare had a perfect unobstructed view of Twilight's entire undercarriage, without having to duck her head like usual. Applejack may be a proud 'leg' mare, but that didn't mean that she was going to turn her muzzle up at the sheer ballsiness before her.

Twilight coughed, “My eyes are up here, Applejack.”

Applejack flinched back, sputtering, before craning her neck back to look into the much taller stallion's eyes while blushing incandescently.

The whorse snickered, “Caught red hoofed, you naughty filly.”

Twilight quirked an eyebrow and gave a half-smirk, “Saw something you like?”

Applejack froze as her brain short-circuited, had Twilight just flirted with her.

Twilight made a strange inequine 'chuffing' sound before turning away and surveying the street, “Say, Applejack, if you're here, who's watching the apple stall?”

“Uhh ...” Applejack came back to reality, “Mah brother is.”

“Wait,” spoke the other whorse, “you left your brother alone, in the middle of the market, in this town, at this time of day, at this time of year?”

Oh, buck, Applejack's pupils shrunk to pinpricks.

“Come, Applejack,” Twilight spoke in an imperious tone, “before something regrettable happens.” He said with a surprising amount of disdain, before setting off at a swift yet awkwardly stiff, trot.

Applejack had to gallop to keep up.

“... and this is Eta Team's quarters.” Spoke Twilight Spark as they entered a small living room with several simple couches, “The kitchen is over there, although we don't touch it much.” Spark shrugged, “It's generally preferred that we eat our meals in the Great Hall, but it isn't mandatory as some ponies wish to be alone on occasion.”

Sanguine hobbled over to the nearest couch and laid down, cradling her head in her forehooves. The trip had been a blur, from the moment she had left the teleportation terminal; she recalled trotting and hearing Spark talking for the entire journey, but any specifics were lost.

It was a confusing experience, to say the least.

“And over there is the bathroom ... you will clean up after yourself like civilized ponies, or you're going to be cleaning it with your tongue.” Spark made an inequine growl, “And down this hall are the bedrooms, so follow me and we can get you sorted out.”

“Uh, Lady Zpark?” Midnight interrupted.

Spark stopped and turned around, “Yes?” she asked before noticing the distressed unicorn, “Oh, right,” she blushed, “the wards.”

Swordcant chuffed scornfully.

Spark trotted over to Sanguine, “Sorry about that, the manor's a bit suspicious of new ponies, but she'll warm up to you after a couple nights. Give it a few seconds and the confusion will pass.”

Sanguine groaned, but the mare was correct, her thoughts were rapidly clearing, “Why?”

“Confusion ward, hard for invaders to conquer the manor when they can't tell left from right, yet alone communicate coherently.”

Sanguine sighed, “That happen often?”

“Nope,” chirped Spark happily, “No hostile army has ever managed to gain entrance to the Twilight Manor in the over 1300 years of its history. But that doesn't mean that it will never happen, and we need to be prepared for that eventuality.”

“Uh, isn't that a bit ... paranoid.”

“It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you.” Spark said brightly, with no hint of irony.

“Right ...”

“Of course, that's just the record for mundane military threats; if we include containment breaches, extraplanar incursions, rogue experiments, esoteric threats and other such things, the record becomes significantly less impressive. Why, just a couple months ago our experimental combat golems decided that they wanted to turn all of ponykind into paperclips for some reason; set our combat golem program back decades, it did.” Spark smiled softly and purred like a cat, “Still, it was fun.”

“Uh huh ...” Replied Sanguine, her mind refusing to comprehend what she had just been told in self defence.

“So, as I was saying, the bedrooms are down this hall,” Spark stated as she trotted down said hall, before gesturing to a heavy stone door, “The first door on the left is Aura's, it's her office in addition to her bedroom, so she's in there reasonably often; if you need something feel free to knock. Big sister's our captain so it's her job to deal with that kind of shit, but try to avoid annoying her with trivial nonsense.” Spark smirked, “She can be inventive when it comes to punishments.”

“And the right door is Crack Shot's room; sniper colt isn't around much, but he's been on Eta Team longer than any of us. He's a surly one, so bother him at your own risk. Also, he's unlikely to want to rut you, and if anymare pushes too hard, she's getting a hoof shoved up her arse, and not in a sexy way.”

“Then next on the left is Flare's room, she's the 2IC, so you can also go to her for your concerns. But don't knock unless you want your frog burned off, it's a real hellscape in there – she has a portal to the Plane of Fire – so the door's pretty hot. So if you need her, just blast the door with a magic missile or throw a brick at it or something.”

Right, because that's a totally normal thing to have in your bedroom, Sanguine snorted.

“On the right is my room, I don't spend much time in there though, so you'd be better off going to my workshop or R&D Headquarters if you need me.”

“The next two rooms aren't currently occupied, the one on the right is used as storage and the left used to belong to the twins. Lazy bitches haven't even properly moved out yet; they were posted months ago.”

“The twins?”

“Aye, Umbra and Shadow, they were your predecessors; they got posted to Sparkle's guard detail earlier this year, leaving Eta Team severely undermared, and therefore ineligible to go on solo missions. It drove big sis to distraction, being subordinate to other captains. So when it came to her attention that both our new allies – changelings and thestrals – had individuals wishing to go on adventure, Eta Team was given priority. And just as that was being finalized, Eta Team was attached to Omicron for the raid on the gryph encampment where we picked you up, Sanguine.”

“And Swordcant?”

“Internal House Twilight politics,” Spark replied brightly, “you needn't worry your adorable little head.”

Swordcant growled, “I have just as much a right to be here as you do.”

“House Twilight? Maybe. But Eta Team ...” Spark scoffed, “Aura won't say this out loud, but your assignment to Eta Team represented a significant undermining of her authority as Team Captain. We are a pack of packs, and this pack disproves of having you foisted on us without our consent.”

Swordcant huffed, “Of course, you mainline Twilights never respect us branch Twilights.”

“Respect?” Spark scoffed, “You want respect? Here in House Twilight, respect is earned. That's the problem with you branch types, you feel entitled to things every other Twilight has had to earn.”

Sanguine watched awkwardly, this was not a conversation that she had expected. As a Canterlot native, she had grown up occasionally rubbing shoulders with the nobility. Every Canterlotian foal learned about the nobility in their schooling. This was not how nobles acted; they did not openly talk in such a way; they kept their internal conflicts secret.

“If respect is so earned, then why is Lady Velvet a thing? You demand we earn respect, while your tyrant, your aunt, rules us all on birthright.”

Spark was silent for a moment, before looking down, “Lady Velvet ... is a complicated subject.” Spark looked back up with an angry countenance, “And entirely irrelevant to you.”

“Irrelevant, my flank. You deny us our due respect, our due influence, while you get fat on our effort.”

“You dare!” Spark snarled, her mane sparking with electricity, “The core house is the pillar upon which all of our power was built. While you branch Twilights are busy schmoozing with the petty nobility and aristocracy, we are the ones fighting against the unending tides of bullshit constantly nipping at the collective hooves of ponykind. And now you waltz in here and demand that we give you respect and authority. It's like you think you're Equestrian Nobles. You disgrace our ancestors by acting like spoiled foals.”

Swordcant sneered, “I don't have to take this.”

“Then leave.”

Swordcant huffed and turned tail, trotted out of Eta Team's quarters slamming the heavy stone door as she left.

Spark turned to Sanguine and Midnight, “Sorry about that, you shouldn't have needed to witness that.”

Sanguine frowned, “What you said to her, it wasn't very ...” she trailed off.

Spark tilted her head, staring at the mare, “'It wasn't very' what? Kind?”

“Uh, yeah. It wasn't very Kind.”

“Well, nopony has ever accused us Twilights of being terribly Kind, we are not the kind to self-censor in order to preserve other's feelings.”

“Not Kind, but Celestia's First Law?”

Spark scoffed, “... is a farce. Celestia is a fool if she thinks that demanding Equestria's institutions to rule based on the Virtues of Harmony will actually foster a sincere belief. Only an idiot actually believes that the Equestrian Nobility holds to Harmony in any real way; not when their actions are so often directly contrary to it.”

Sanguine paused, she couldn't exactly disagree with that, “You and Captain Aura seem to refer to ponies as 'Equestrians' a lot ...”

“Implying that we are not Equestrian?”

“Yeah, I mean you are an Equestrian Noble House aren't you?”

“Ehhh, technically, yes. In truth ... well, we Twilights originate from a time when Equestria didn't exist, outside of oral history at least,” Spark sighed, “it was a very different time; the culture of the survivors of Everfree had changed greatly due to their exile, and the common ponies of the Ponylands ... well, they had spent generations living more as livestock than a civilized race, thanks to the filthy caribou. There was, quite frankly, almost nothing left of Equestria, culture or otherwise, the survivors had to make our own. So no, we aren't Equestrians, not in any way that matters, we're Twilights.”

“Huh.”

Spark paused, “Anyways, the Dark Age would not have been a period conducive to Kindness, even had the virtue even existed back then.”

Sanguine looked confused, “What do you mean?”

“I mean that there was no such thing as the virtue of Kindness, just an empty, rotting hole in the fabric of reality where it used to be. It was the same with Loyalty, Honesty, Generosity and Joy.”

“But those are ...”

“The Virtues of Harmony? Indeed, we realized that after the fact. Curious coincidence, that. It was almost like Harmony itself had abandoned ponykind. The Twilights were actually the ones who managed to reconstruct Loyalty; we rebuilt it from Honour and Duty and our burning Hatred for the filthy Caribou.”

Spark paused.

“All said, one could say that we Twilights aren't exactly Harmonists.” Spark chuckled, “It's not that we think the Virtues of Harmony are bad, per se, it's just that we find other virtues to be more important: Honour, Duty, Diligence, Prudence, Courage, Self-Control, Justice,” Spark paused, “technically Temperance is amongst them, but, eh, that's a lost cause with most Twilights.”

Sanguine stared, not sure what to say.

“That said, we Twilights have always prided ourselves on being frank and forthright, we have little use for the flowery language nobles like to hide their dire insults in. Language is for communication, not self-aggrandizing word-games. Unlike with the duplicitous Equestrian nobility, there's never a need to wonder if a Twilight dislikes you, because we'll bucking tell you.”

...

“So ...” Spark gestured to the last two doors in the hall, “... these are your rooms, Sanguine you're sharing with Princess Lepidoptera on the left and Midnight you're with Swordcant on the right.”

Sanguine tilted her head, “Where is Dora, anyways?”

“Dunno ...” Spark tilted her head, “... around. She's already had the full tour when she moved in last month ...”

Suddenly there was a grinding sound as the stone door to Flare's room opened, bathing the hall in an orange glow as a wave of sweltering heat slammed into the three mares. The familiar form of Twilight Flare trotted out of the door, seemingly not noticing the other mares as she slammed the door closed.

Spark sighed, “Excuse me,” she said to the two mares before trotting after Flare, “Hey you …”

Flare stopped and turned around and stared at Spark with empty, soulless eyes.

Sanguine shuddered, that isn't Flare.

“Yeah, you. Where do you think you're going?”

“Buuurrrnnnn ...” the thing rasped out in monotone.

“Nope, no burning for you, your kind isn't allowed out, so back into the room with you. Get!”

Sanguine watched as the not-Flare was herded back into Flare's room, the door scraping open and releasing another blast of hot air.

“And stay there.” Spark scowled, turning back to Sanguine and Midnight, “Sorry about that. mirror clones, you know,” she scoffed, “can't live with them, can't kill them all.”

No, I don't think I do.

It took Prince Twilight Sparkle a scant few minutes to enter the Ponyville Market Square, and only seconds more to approach the crowd surrounding the Sweet Apple Acres apple cart, mared – 'stallioned?' – by Big Mac alone.

Despite Applejack having been absent for about ten minutes, a small crowd of mares had already started to gather around the Apple stallion.

Thankfully there were only about 40 of them, far fewer than the amount needed to form a herd.

It suddenly occurred to him that herds were going to be something he was going to need to be worried about going forward. If less than three hundred mares had formed a herd in open air, how was he ever going to enter auditoriums filled with crowds of thousands. How could he be a Prince of the Realm when he couldn't address more than a few hundred without driving them mad with lust?

Somehow he didn't think that Princess Celestia would buy that excuse.

There were spells that completely eliminated a pony's scent, but actually using them was widely viewed as extremely suspicious, the kind of thing only used by thieves and spies; an astonishingly large amount of pony communication was olfactory, and interrupting that made you untrustworthy.. No, using such a spell would be out of the question.

Not to mention the inevitable accusations of being a changeling. Never mind that changelings were well documented to be able to flawlessly imitate pony pheromones; they wouldn't be able to infiltrate Equestria if they couldn't.

Then there were spells that could change a pony's scent, but they were notoriously difficult to use; few without a Talent in illusion magic could manage a convincing scent; even the slightest thing wrong would stomp on a pony's instincts. And illusion had never been his best school, he had always had more power than finesse.

Twilight sighed, he'd figure it out, he always did.

The alicorn approached the small crowd of mares, unfolding his wings before thrusting them forward in a wedge shape; not even slowing down as his wings came into contact with the crowd.

His alicorn strength trivially overpowering near a dozen adult earth mares as he split the crowd and waded in.

Umbra stared at the alicorn prince and scowled, expressing her impressive vocabulary of curse words. The mare lit her horn and formed several shadow blades before turning to Applejack, “Lady Applejack, consider yourself volunteered and temporarily deputized for our good prince's bodyguard. The Crown will be rather unhappy if His Royal Highness, Prince Sparkle is violated in the process of saving your brother from the fate you left him to.”

Applejack frowned but didn't protest, and the three mares moved into the gap left by Twilight's passing.

Twilight strode over several mares – knocked over in his advance – as he reached the centre of the crowd, where the harried Big Mac was being harassed by several mares, “Step away from Big Mac, please.”

The mares closest to the earth stallion did not even acknowledge Twilight's statement, one even took the opportunity to shove her muzzle into the red stallion's crotch, sniffing loudly.

Twilight contorted his muzzle in disgust, and flicked out a wing, knocking the mare away from Big Mac, “I said, get back. Leave him alone.”

Even as the mare was stumbling back from the blow, another bowed under the stallion's undercarriage and started nosing his sheath.

“ENOUGH,” Twilight exclaimed in the Royal Canterlot Voice knocking over several of the mares, “You will cease and desist in your deprivations ...” he snarled, his sharp teeth bared as any pretense of equinity was abandoned, “... or I will make you.”

Everypony froze for a few seconds …

…

… before all hell broke loose.

Mares started screaming, fainting, and running in random directions. A couple even started running in circles as they panicked, a response that would be remarkably unhelpful had Twilight actually represented a present danger to them.

Twilight stalked forward a couple steps before stopping and looking down at the mare laying before him, shivering and sobbing in terror in a puddle of her own urine, I'm such an idiot.

“Well, that is one way to solve that problem.” Umbra chuckled.

Twilight scowled at the mare, “I hardly consider this,” he gestured to the panicked mares, “a solution. Look at them.”

“Oh no, the poor degenerate molesters.” Umbra scoffed, “If there were ever ponies that deserved to feel such fear, it is these mares.”

“Um, Twi, what in tarnation was that?” Applejack stared at the stallion with trepidation.

“Sorry about that, Applejack.” Twilight blushed, “I kind of lost myself there, they made me so angry.” the stallion looked at the ground, “I know that that's no excuse, I, of all ponies, should know better than to let my emotions have the best of me.”

Umbra sighed, “Twilight, you had every reason to be angry. These mares were completely out of line, a little growling is far better than they deserve.”

“Anyways, you Twilights' wolfpony shit is objectively hot.”

Umbra facehoofed, “Shadow, he's our cousin.”

“I know, but most Twilights aren't; I'm jumping on the next Twilight Stallion to become available.”

“Twi, what in tarnation was that?” the earth pony repeated.

“Would you believe me if I told you I was the descendant of a long line of magically-enhanced wolfpony super-soldiers?”

Applejack stared at the stallion, “Ah ain't stupid, Twi. Pull the other one.”

Shadow snickered.

Twilight sighed, “Of course.” he turned away from his friend and stepped over the catatonic mare laying before him, approaching Big Mac, “Are you okay?” He asked, placing a hoof on the smaller stallion's shoulder.

The earth stallion flinched, “E-eeyup.”

Twilight gave a soft smile, showing no teeth, “I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean to scare anypony, least of all you.”

“It's okay Twilight, Ah ain't that scared.”

“Oh ... good. None of the mares went too far did they?”

Mac shook his head, “Ain't nothing more than some sniffin' of mah ...” he trailed off, blushing.

Twilight's face twisted with disgust, “Oh, I'm sorry Big Mac, that should never have happened. As the Duke of this town – not to mention a Prince of the Realm – this is my responsibility – noblesse oblige and all that – I should have stopped this behaviour a long time ago.” Twilight sighed, “I don't know how I missed it for so long, but it is nonetheless unacceptable. My subjects should not need to fear for their chastity in public.”

Truthfully, Twilight wasn't entirely being honest; he had a good idea how he had missed such a thing. After all, he had never been the most socially aware pony, and becoming the Bearer of Magic along with his friends to defeat Nightmare Moon before studying the Magic of Friendship had only done so much.

Twilight was never going to be Pinkie Pie, who could remember the name, Special Talent, birthday and favourite food of every single pony, in a town of thousands.

And between friendship problems, ancient evils, his own continued studies of magic and his duties as the town librarian, he had very little time for anything else.

And then Discord happened, and things changed again. His friends were ennobled and he was – through an incredibly convoluted loophole involving Right of Conquest – made duchess of the Royal Duchy of Everfree.

Why exactly the ostensibly pacifist Principality even had laws pertaining to the Right of Conquest was something that had eluded Twilight's discovery ...

... although his more conspiratorial impulses had been quick to point out how suspiciously effective those laws were at transferring the ownership of a Royal Duchy to a mere unicorn without any legal recourse to stop it, either for the nobility or Twilight Sparkle himself.

Even then, Twilight had done very little to interfere in his new duchy; he doubted most ponies in the town were even aware of the change of ownership. Ponyville had been effectively left to self-govern for the entire hundred or so years of its history. If it had worked for Princess Celestia, why wouldn't it work for Twilight Sparkle?

It also helped that the duchy had such a small, concentrated population. The Duchy of Everfree didn't have any notable settlements outside Ponyville, between the Everfree Forest and the Badlands, the vast majority of its land was completely uninhabitable.

The problem emerged with finances.

Despite ostensibly being a Royal Duchy, Everfree was a truly underwhelming fief, forget counties, there were baronies that were more populous and economically active. Baronies!

Even worse, the Duchy had never quite managed to break even, Princess Celestia had been constantly subsidizing the town with a small amount of bits from other, more profitable holdings.

Twilight wasn't one to turn his muzzle up at a gift. But he had never asked to rule a duchy, certainly not one that was almost insolvent.

Twilight had to be the only pony in history whose promotion to duke had made him poorer. Not only had he lost his librarian's salary, but he had gained a massive hole in his budget.

He scoffed, most duchesses had tens if not hundreds of thousands of bits to throw around for lavish parties – hay, even House Twilight could keep their improbably large standing military at high readiness – and here Twilight had to spent much of his scarce, precious time digging for gems to even keep his fief afloat, honestly Twilight didn't know what he would have done if he wasn't friends with Rarity.

That mare is wasted on fashion, with her Talent and alignment she could be an excellent diviner or enchanter. Hay, even without any training she could make a fortune in the mining industry.

Twilight sighed and shook his head, just because you thought that there was something better somepony could do, that doesn't mean that it's a waste.

As Princess Celestia had told the colt so many years ago, 'it makes ponies happy, and that is all that is needed to justify the practice'.

Twilight paused, he had been thinking of his past self as male, he hadn't been a colt, he had been a filly. It was almost like he was forgetting that he had even been a mare ...

But I wasn't a mare, not really, I was never allowed to be a mare. She thought better.

Twilight crushed the sudden spike of hatred with great prejudice. Good Ponies don't hate Princess Celestia.

'Good Ponies' don't torture foals ...

“Uh, Twi, ya alright over there?”

“Wha ...” Twilight blinked and shook his head, “Sorry, Applejack, I was just thinking.” he turned to the mare, gazing at her with piercing, predatory eyes.

Applejack shivered and took a step back, “So ... yeh want any apples, Twilight?”

Twilight shook his head, “No, I finished my shopping for the Spring Holiday last week, I already have all the apples I need for the next month.” he paused, “Anyways I'll get out of your mane, I'm sure there are plenty of less prepared ponies doing their last minute preparations today, I shouldn't tarry too long, don't want to scare any of your potential customers off; anyways, I have a schedule to keep.”

“... right.”

Twilight turned tail, “Oh, and Applejack, make sure nothing happens to Big Mac, I will be disappointed in you if I am forced to administer Justice to any of these rapine vultures.” he said with considerable venom, “So, Spike, where to next?” Twilight asked in a suddenly happy tone.

“Uh, Sugarcube Corner to talk to Pinkie.”

“Excellent.” He replied, stalking off in the direction of the bakery, whistling a jaunty tune.

Applejack shuddered as she watched her friend-turned-stallion leave in his strange, inequine gait. He definitely wasn't the stallion for her; she knew better than to stick her cooch on crazy. And woo-ee, Applejack had no idea that much crazy could fit in one colt.

Rainbow Dash ruffled her feathers in agitation as she unsteadily trotted out of the cloudatorium, her ears were pinned to her head and her increasingly damp and matted tail was held tight to her dock.

The morning's lectures were finally over, and Rainbow was free for the next two hours, well, for a given definition of 'free'.

Barring an emergency, none of the weatherworkers were allowed to leave Cloudsdale, Never mind that Ponyville was a short flight away. Apparently the bureaucrats responsible for the conference felt that would be too 'distracting' for the conference goers.

Well, congratulations, Rainbow was sufficiently distracted; she barely remembered a single word that had been spoken all morning.

It was humiliating, being reduced to this – a soggy, miserable, irritable, horny excuse for a mare – in front of all her colleagues and superiors.

Rainbow sighed as she looked around, at least everymare seemed to be avoiding staring at her, whether they did this out of politeness or the desire to avoid the ire of a heatstruck mare didn't matter to Rainbow.

What few stallions around stared – of course – but Rainbow could hardly hold that against them, so long as staring was all they did.

Rainbow shook her head, it's not like any of these stallions had the ovaries to do anything more than stare.

Wouldn't that be something ...

He would approach Rainbow, and not take no for an answer.

Rainbow would fight back, of course – or at least try to – but her body would turn against her – tail flagging, wings stiffening, clit winking – and he would easily overpower her.

He would pinning her muzzle to the cloud and settle upon her back before forcing his enormous, savage cock into Rainbow's virgin depths.

He would then brutally rut Rainbow until her screams of pain turned to screams of ecstasy, leaving her forever ruined for all other stallions ...

... and now she was fantasizing about being violently raped, I bucking hate heat season, Rainbow flushed in mortification.

Her blush only got deeper when she realized that her body had reacted to the fantasy, giving the entire weatherworker's conference a show.

As Rainbow's arousal was crushed under humiliation and self-loathing, she managed to fold her erect wings and tuck her flagged tail.

“Hay, mare, it looks like you need this.”

Rainbow turned to see a mare holding a scroll towards her, “What?” Rainbow barked out.

The other mare flinched, “Here ...” she hoofed the scroll to Rainbow.

Rainbow took the scroll and unrolled it, her eyes narrowing, it was an ad, for a stallion, a stud.

Rainbow felt herself scowling in disgust, her foalhood had given her a first hoof example of what the studding industry did when its 'product' was no longer deemed 'valuable'. The number of brothels, dive-bars, stripclubs and nightclubs the young filly had had to drag her father out of ...

She took a second look at the image of the stallion in question. He was laying on his back with his wings splayed out behind him – a pose that left absolutely nothing to the imagination – while staring at the camera with a seductive, submissive expression. He was wearing frilly socks and done up in enough lace, ribbons and bows that it looked like he had fallen afoul of Rarity's evil – and perverted – twin.

His soft, coltish features and small balls and sheath indicated that he was what was commonly known as a 'half-geld', a 'pretty colt', a stallion whose puberty had naturally delayed itself for several years, but had narrowly avoiding the fate of becoming a 'full' gelding; this lead to a lack of many of the features indicative of a proper stallion.

Half-gelds were popular in Cloudsdale for reasons that had always evaded Rainbow, Undertown certainly chewed through them at an astonishing rate.

Rainbow, meanwhile, had always preferred stallions that looked more ... well, like stallions. Half-gelds looked way too much like geldings. And while Rainbow had no problem with gelds – in fact many of her friends were gelds – she found them about as sexually intriguing as a matte grey wall.

If anything, Rainbow preferred her stallions quite a bit more built than normal, something that was tragically rare among pegasi. It was truly a shame that Twilight's older brother was lacking in the wing department ...

... and married.

“So, what do you think? He's a stud in good standing and I promise that he's clean, he can take care of that nasty itch of yours for only fifty bits.”

“I'm not interested.” Rainbow would sooner die a virgin than hire a stud, she just couldn't forget what had happened to her father.

The mare scoffed, “Oh, don't be like that, we mares have urges, there's no shame in getting some help with them. My brother is an experienced stud, and he has left no mare wanting.”

Rainbow glowered at the mare, snorting in aggravation.

The mare saddled up beside Rainbow and reached a wing around her withers, “You know what, I'll knock ten bits off the price, just for you. I just can't stand to see a fellow mare suffering so unnecessarily like you are.”

Rainbow yanked herself backwards and spread her wings in a threat posture, “I said that I am not interested. Leave me alone.”

The other mare scoffed, “If this is how you treat a mare trying to help you, you can just sod off.”

“No, you 'sod off'; you are the one who approached me in an attempt to pimp your brother, don't pretend like you were just 'trying to help me'.”

“'Pimp!?” the mare's muzzle twisted in anger, she spread her wings to mirror Rainbow, “My brother is not some kind of cheap streetwalker, he's a stud in good standing! How dare you make such implications!?”

Rainbow scoffed, “Whatever, I'm sick of this.” she said before launching herself skyward with a single downstroke.

“Uh, Sparkles, your wolfyness is showing.”

Twilight stopped, “Oh, right, that you for the reminder, Shadow.” he took a couple steps, forcing himself to move more like a pony, slowly trotting forward.

Umbra frowned as she studied Twilight's gait, even more stiff and unsteady than it had been earlier in the morning, “Uh, Sparkle, are you okay?”

“Of course I'm okay, I feel great.”

Umbra sighed, “Sparkle, I've fought alongside far too many Twilights to not recognize a Battle High when I see it.”

“Oh right, a Battle High.” Twilight tilted his head, “Yeah, that makes sense.” Twilight had once heard the Twilight's Battle High referred to as an 'adrenaline high on steroids'; it was an apt, albeit entirely inadequate, metaphor. It was also literally true, as, in addition to the expected epinephrine, a Twilight's adrenal gland released hundreds of other compounds, including a number of androgens and other compounds with anabolic effects.

And then there were stimulants, nootropics and other kinds of performance enhancing drugs.

Although, strictly speaking, they were 'hormones' and not 'drugs' as they are naturally created by a pony's body; not that that would convince anypony administering a drug test.

Twilight giggled, now that was a test he would have no chance of passing. He could imagine the look on the administerer's face when she looked at the results, at the dozens upon dozens of exotic and prohibited chemical compounds in his bloodstream.

“Uh, Twilight, what's so funny.”

“Oh, nothing, Spike, it's just a good thing that royalty is an occupation that doesn't require drug tests.”

“Wut?” Spike stared down at the back of Twilight's head in confusion.

“Nothing you need worry about.” Of course, biochem was only part of the Battle High, there was also a lot of interesting things going on in his brainmeats at this moment.

And all of it came together in an experience that couldn't quite be described by pony language. It was, pardon the cliche, a state of altered consciousness, a state of supreme – almost transcendent – aggression and paradoxical total calm, of deep predatory bloodlust and clear-minded focus; instinct and intellect both working together flawlessly, becoming something more than the sum of its parts.

It had been so very long since Twilight had last felt this, it surprised him how much he found that he missed it.

She stole it from me.

“Sparkle, I ask again, are you okay? Because I have never seen you lose control of your instincts like that, if anything your control has been astonishingly good, better even than Captain Aura.”

“Yeah, I'm okay, I'm just ... not used to them.”

Umbra stared at Twilight, her mouth slightly open, I have a bad feeling about this.

“You're 'not used to' your instincts, as in, the instincts you were born with?” Shadow asked in disbelief.

Twilight froze, oh, buck. “Oh ...” he rubbed the back of his head with a wing in embarrassment, “... I've been using meditation to keep the instincts in control, but it seems that the spell did more than just make me a stallion, all my progress seems to be gone. And, well, I was not able to get into the right mindset for it last night.” In fact, each time he had attempted the meditation he had been overwhelmed with a surge of rage, hatred and disgust.

Umbra felt her stomach drop out of her barrel, “And this, uh, 'meditation', it was taught to you by Celestia, yes?”

“Princess Celestia, and yes, I was hunting small animals so she taught me her meditation so I could keep myself in control, and stop.”

“You were 'hunting small animals', what, like a Twilight?” Shadow scoffed.

Umbra stared at the alicorn for a second, “Uh, Sparkle, how much does Celestia even know about Twilights?”

Twilight sent a small glare at the mare, “Not much, I don't think, and for the last time, it's Princess Celestia.”

“So ...” Shadow drawled, “... Princess Celestia, in her ignorance, decided that she was going to teach you this 'meditation' to 'fix' something that wasn't wrong. Truly, the God Princess of all Ponykind is a wise and just ...”

Twilight snarled and made to lunge at the aggravating mare …

Shadow flinched back and whimpered, “Please don't hurt me.”

Rainbow made a wide circle of the temporary cloud-structures that made up the conference 'ground'. Buck, I can't seem to even talk to another mare without it becoming a bucking argument, the last thing I need is more enemies in the weatherworks department.

She went for a couple more laps of the airspace – the cold wind giving a slight bit of relief to her burning loins – before angling towards one of the many clouds ringing the conference, a small, unoccupied, weather-grade cumulus.

Rainbow landed before lying down, the cool dampness of the cloud feeling good against the fur of her undercarriage.

She sighed before closing her eyes and letting out a deep breath.

Rainbow stayed like that for several minutes, breathing deeply in an attempt to dissipate her stress and calm herself down; it didn't really help that much.

She opened her eyes and looked down at the ground, Ponyville looked even more quaint than usual from this high.

She sighed as she looked down at the town's most recent addition, the strange crystal/tree/castle that was the 'Castle of Friendship'. If Rainbow were in Ponyville, she wouldn't be half this uncomfortable.

The average Ponyvillian might find unicorn magic spooky, but Rainbow had no such compunctions; it was bucking useful to be close friends with a mage as talented as Twilight, so long as you avoided her more ... experimental ... spells.

But, no, some useless bureaucrat had decided to treat the weatherworkers as little foals, expressly forbidding anypony from leaving Cloudsdale during the conference for any reason barring an emergency.

And paying to get such a spell cast on her just wasn't an option, Cloudsdale's hedge mages were bucking expensive, well beyond Rainbow's own modest means.

Which, admittedly, made some amount of sense; if Rainbow were a unicorn, she wouldn't want to live in a cloud city either. Especially not Cloudsdale

And, of course, Rainbow just wasn't going to go and hire a stud.

So she was stuck, burning up as the minutes ticked towards freedom.

“Hay, there you are Rainbow.” spoke the voice of a singularly aggravating stallion.

Oh, Sweet Celestia, what did I do to deserve this? “What are you doing here, Zephyr, this is the weatherworker's conference, not the mane stylists' conference.”

“I'm a mane therapist not a mane 'stylist'.”

Right, because that's totally a real thing.

“But I'm not sure that's the right 'fit' for me, if you know what I mean.”

“Ugh, of course you do.”

“But enough about me, let's talk about you.”

“Let's not.”

Zephyr continued, seemingly not hearing Rainbow's disagreement, “You're a hard mare to find, Rainbow, why didn't you tell me you were in town? We could have had so much more time.”

Rainbow shivered in disgust, “I want to spend as little time with you as possible Zephyr, leave me alone.”

“Ah, playing hard to get, I dig it. It's a good thing I'm so good at finding ponies.” Zephyr paused, “Ah, maybe that's what I should do, Zephyr Breeze rescue stallion!”

Rainbow facehoofed, You'd get bored halfway through a rescue and leave the pony to die, “Zephyr, please don't insult my intelligence by claiming I was hard to find, you're a stallion who approached a heatstruck mare from downwind. We both know how you found me.” It was considered rather quite taboo for a stallion to approach a mare in heat, not that Zephyr seemed to care.

“Okay fine,” Zephyr chuckled awkwardly, “you got me, but in my defence you smell really good.”

Rainbow turned her head to glare at the infuriating creep, the idiot probably thought that was a compliment. “I say again, Zephyr, leave me the buck alone.”

“Oh don't be like that, Rainbow.” he made a placating gesture, “I'm just here to help.”

Rainbow seethed, “I don't bucking want your bucking 'help', Zephyr.” she stood to her hooves and turned towards the stallion, wings spread.

“Now, now, Rainbow, I know you want this.” Zephyr turned to the side and started to trot in the air, “And, why, it's your lucky day, I'm willing to give you a steep discount of fift ... no, forty percent, just ... for ... you!” he winked at her, still doing his ridiculous air trot.

Rainbow stared at him in disbelief before starting to giggle, “Oh, sweet Celestia, you're serious.” she started to laugh even harder.

“So what do you say?”

Rainbow took a couple seconds to stop laughing before putting on a deadpan expression, “No.”

“Okay, I take coin or cheque, my normal fee is 150 bits, so minus 40 percent that would be ... uh ...” his eyes crossed for several seconds before snapping forward, “... 110 bits! So let's get it over with so we can get to the fun part.” He waggled his eyebrows.

Rainbow gagged, “I said 'no'. Do you know what 'no' means, Zephyr?”

The stallion tilted his head, “Is that a trick question?”

“No.”

“Uhhh ...”

“It means no. I do not want to sleep with you Zephyr, and I'm certainly not going to pay to do it. Please go away, and stop harassing innocent heatstruck mares.”

“Oh ...” he paused, “... so, do you want to hang out?”

Rainbow closed her eyes and sighed, “No, Zephyr, I do not want to 'hang out', I want to be alone right now.”

“Oh,” he wilted for a second, before perking up, “I'll get you to admit you love me some day, Rainbow.”

Suddenly, the wind changed, and Rainbow was treated to the scent of the stallion, it wasn't good. He smelled of body odour, and sex, and fermenting sexual fluids, it was awful, albeit far from the worst Rainbow had ever smelled. “Dude, when was the last time you showered?”

“And deny the mares my stallionly musk?” Zephyr responded in mock offence.

Rainbow stared deeply into the stallion's eyes, frowning, “Please, Zephyr, listen to me.” she implored, “Poor hygiene is the number one reason why stallions lose their studding licence; and trust me, losing your license is a nightmare, it's the end of your life as you know it.” I know, it ripped my family apart, “It's a permanent black mark not only on your record, but that of your closest family. It would kill any hope you would have at having a normal job in this city, and likely much of Equestria. You could end up a prostitute.”

Zephyr stared at the suddenly earnest mare, not sure how to respond.

“Please, I don't want to tell Fluttershy that her younger brother bled out in an Undertown alley after getting stabbed by some strung out junkie.” Blood, so much blood, the dingy clouds of the alley stained red, the world uncaring as a filly cried over her father.

“Uh ...”

“Please, just talk to your mother, I'm certain she wouldn't object to helping you with your hygiene.”

“Right ... uh, I have things I got to do so ... uh ... goodbye.” Zephyr fled.

Rainbow stared as he flew away.

She sighed, Well, at least he's gone.

The short trot to Sugarcube Corner had given Twilight Sparkle ample time to come down from his Battle High; a Twilight's body was designed to metabolize the responsible chemicals nearly as fast as it created them.

After all, such a cocktail of drugs certainly was dangerous, it would likely kill the common pony, either from their heart exploding, neural activity heightening to the point of seizure or one of the many other ways a pony's body could be stressed to failure.

Of course, the Twilight body had been hardened to the worst of the adverse effects – it would be rather counterproductive to just keel over dead when faced with combat – but that didn't mean that it was healthy.

But as the paradoxically calm mania of the Battle High faded, dread, panic and self-loathing rose.

Twilight Sparkle had completely lost control of himself, he had been seconds away from murdering hundreds of mares, and then had further traumatized another forty or so.

And he has traumatized them using House Twilight's darkest secret; there was a reason that the Twilight's had hid their nature for so long.

Twilight remembered how often his mother had ranted about how the Equestrians 'didn't understand' the Twilights, how they couldn't understand. Claims that the young filly had taken as part of Lady Velvet's clear tendency for exaggeration. Claims that had later been proven true by Princess Celestia.

The young Twilight had done everything he could to 'prove' to Celestia that he was a 'Good Pony', but Princess Celestia – as incredibly perceptive as she was – had somehow seen through his every attempt. But even the charge of Bad Pony had been a relief compared to the truth.

For Twilight was not a pony, he was merely a monster wearing a pony's skin, requiring the flesh of other creatures to even survive, a predator hiding in the herd.

And now that truth was out; even if the townsponies were slow to realize the implications.

In a town like Ponyville, gossip travels faster than sound, even if it was decidedly less than accurate. Even now the ponies in the streets were whispering about him while staring.

Whispering that Twilight could hear every word of, despite him pinning his ears tight to his head; another curse of his inequine nature.

Oh, the townsponies weren't yet condemning him, their words were spoken of him in tones of curiosity, confusion, lust and the occasional disapproval; apparently he wasn't stallionly enough for some mares, which ... uh ... he had been a stallion for less than 24 hours.

Nonetheless, Twilight knew that given enough time, that curiosity would give way to fear, which would give way to hatred. 'Familiarity breeds contempt', after all.

A prey species like ponies just couldn't trust predators. And that went double when those predators were monsters deceptively wearing the skin of a pony.

Even Princess Celestia – the Wise and Just and Merciful Princess Celestia who had persisted for a thousand years in her attempts at normalizing relationships with the gryphons – had recoiled in shock, horror and disgust at a mere glance at Twilight's True nature ...

“I've heard that you've said some very Unkind things about gryphons today in class, Twilight.” Princess Celestia said as she frowned at the filly, “I'm very disappointed in you.”

Sparkle flinched, “What ..?”

Princess Celestia's frown deepened, “I have reports from several of your classmates that you stated, and I quote, that 'gryphons eat ponies', that was not a very Kind thing to say, Twilight.”

“But it's the truth, gryphons had already hunted the local non-sapient equines to extinction by the time that the pony tribes got to the land later called Equestria, and the gryphons had immediately started hunting the ponies ... they never fully stopped. It got really bad back in the Dark Age until we were able to fight them back and drive their raiders from the Ponylands, but gryphon bandits still abduct ponies from the outskirts of Equestria to this very day ...” Sparkle trailed off under Princess Celestia's glare.

Celestia sighed, “I don't know who told you such horrible things, but they are a bad pony who is Lying to you,” she paused, “and it's a very Unkind lie at that.”

“But ...”

“I know it's hard to believe, but some ponies are scared of gryphons because of their ... diets, so they tell horrible lies about them.”

“Because gryphons are predators?”

Celestia grimaced, “Some creatures have different needs, gryphons just so happen to need to eat the flesh of other living beings in order to survive; this does not mean that gryphons, or any other predator species, are morally or intellectually inferior to ponies, no matter what some individuals will claim.”

Sparkle stayed quiet.

“So I better not hear you making any more disparaging remarks about the dietary preferences of non-ponies.”

“'Non-ponies? But what about ponies?”

Celestia tilted her head, 'What about ponies?”

“Some ponies eat meat too ...”

Celestia's countenance darkened into an ugly scowl, “No, Twilight, Ponies don't eat 'meat'.” her muzzle twisted in disgust as she spoke that last word.

“But ...”

“Ponies do not eat 'meat', Twilight.” Celestia reiterated with a tone of finality.

Sparkle broke into a horrible choking sob, What am I if not a pony?

Celestia wrapped Sparkle in a wing, softly nickering, “Now, now, I still love you Twilight, so long as you focus on becoming a better pony than you are.”

Sparkle bawled.

Twilight flinched as he returned to the present; that was not a pleasant memory, and one that he had long forgotten.

He frowned, many years later Celestia had 'taught' Twilight that some gryphons chose to eat the flesh of other sapient kinds, the very thing she had once decried as a 'horrible lie'.

Lying is all she ever does.

“Are you okay, Sparkle?” Umbra once again asked.

“Yeah, I'm fine.” Twilight lied unconvincingly.

Umbra frowned softly, “Well, we're here.” she stated, gesturing a hoof at the door before them.

Twilight looked up, and found that, indeed, they were standing before the whimsical structure that was Sugarcube Corner, the sound of voices and laughter audible through the solid wooden door.

Twilight sighed before pushing the door open, the cacophony washed over him before rapidly fading to total silence.

Twilight trotted towards the counter, his soft hoofsteps sounding like thunder in the oppressive silence, instinctively he tucked his tail and flattened his ears under the judging stares of the bakery's clientele.

“Well, what do you think you're staring at?” Shadow barked out at the ponies, scowling, “Didn't your mothers teach you little colts it's rude to stare? Why don't you go back to minding your own bucking business?”

Twilight felt an immediate sense of relief as his audience turned away in shame at the rebuke. Honestly, for as much as Shadow might be confrontational and abrasive, it was moments like this that made Twilight really appreciate her.

“Bold words for such a little bitch.” all his audience that is, except one.

Oh for Celestia's sake. Twilight looked at the approaching mare.

She was a burly earth mare, standing slightly taller than Applejack.

She also had the angular snout, unnaturally muscle-bound form, unmarely low voice and confused pheromone cocktail indicative of excessive abuse of androgenic steroids. Even moreso, her pheromones gave absolutely no indication of the expected onset of oestrus, meaning that her abuse of the synthetic hormones had rendered her sterile, likely irreversibly.

And, of course there was the unponylike aggression.

The phenomena evocatively referred to as 'Roid Rage' was something of a medical mystery. Nopony knew why chemicals designed to imitate the sex hormones of stallions – the more docile and agreeable sex – had such an effect on mares. Nonetheless, it was a well established effect of the class of drugs.

Such drugs were illegal, of course, for reasons that should be obvious; not least of all that such an elevated level of aggression made for a pony that is rather unsuited for Equestrian society, a fact that nopony knew better than the Twilights.

That said, the legal status of a substance was largely theoretical unless the law had an ability to enforce the prohibitions.

It was somewhat of an open secret that nearly all of Equestria's synthetic drugs originated from Cloudsdale; the cloud city had a monopoly on the nations biochem and pharmaceutical industries, but nopony dared even imply any degree of criminal maleficence, at least not publicly.

House Hurricane was infamous for being incredibly litigious, anyone caught saying something Hurricane found 'unacceptable' would be dragged through the Cloudsdale courts. Courts that just so happened to always find in Hurricane's favour.

Not even agents of the Crown were safe, not since a Cloudsdale judge had ceded herself the power to, not only charge a member of Her Majesty's Royal Inquisition, but waive an inquisitor's qualified immunity, creating a precedent that had, not only made it impossible for any crown agent to operate in Cloudsdale, but hamstrung the Inquisition's operations across much of Equestria.

Never mind that the entire point of the Inquisition was that they were above any and all such regional courts.

Twilight sighed and gave Shadow a look out of the side of his eye – he desperately hoped she would have the good sense to not further aggravate this mare – before turning back to the approaching belligerent mare.

Perhaps some would consider Twilight's disdain for the abuse of steroids to be hypocritical; after all, many drugs of that class were produced by his adrenal glands, but he was born that way, while this mare had done it to herself.

And for all his ancestors' reckless disregard for magical ethics, at least they did everything they could to mitigate such adverse effects, using less androgenic compounds, hardening tissue against the side effects and pairing the hormones with other compounds that improved cognition, strengthened willpower and reduced stress. The very fact he even existed was proof of their planning – and perhaps degree of luck, after all, House Clover had always been known for their luck– with how such compounds typically wreaked havoc upon a pony's reproductive system, particularly among mares.

Hay, Twilight mares actually had a notably higher fertility rate than Equestrians ... although some amount of that is certainly cultural.

“Don't come one step closer.” Umbra commanded, lighting her horn and forming several blades of her shadowy magic, an action that was silently mirrored by her twin.

Twilight briefly glanced at his two guards, in their professionalism, they showed none of the fear they most certainly felt.

Pop culture was chock full of examples of smaller, weaker but skilled fighter fighting rings around clumsy brutes, giving them the death of a thousand cuts as they effortlessly evade their enemies' slow but fearsome blows.

It was all complete nonsense; the combined result of ignorance, narrative tropes and abstracted game mechanics.

In a fight between strength and skill, strength won nine times out of ten. And strength was directly proportional to muscle mass, at least, baring differences in tribe, or special talent. The difference is so stark that in some combat sports the distinction between weight classes could be as fine as 2 kilograms.

As a warrior culture, every Twilight was told such from a very young age; 'A pound of muscle is worth ten pounds of skill' was a common phrase.

And not only were earth ponies the largest and strongest of the mortal pony tribes, they could draw upon the very strength of the earth to widen that gap even further, and when compared to the much weaker and more fragile unicorns, that gap becomes insurmountable.

Forget combat sports, there wasn't a single formal physical sport in Equestria where unicorns competed directly with earth ponies: not track sports, not field sports, not team sports, especially not hoofball.

The fact that this mare seemed to completely lack any formal martial training was hardly a consolation. If anything that made her more dangerous, a huge part of Equestrian martial arts – particularly martial arts aimed at earth ponies – was learning how to control one's strength.

With the pacifist temperament of the average Equestrian, well trained ponies almost never went for the kill, but a poorly trained earth pony often didn't know how not to.

And an earth pony abusing steroids? Well, the chances of a baseline unicorn – no matter how skilled – surviving close quarters combat with her while unarmoured were ... sub-optimal. Even a Twilight – who were far more robust and physically capable than the average Equestrian unicorn – would be unlikely to escape completely unscathed.

The mare sneered, pawing the ground in aggression, “I ain't afraid of your witchcraft, witch.”

The tribalist slur drew several gasps from the bakery's customers.

Twilight frowned, many a unicorn have died due to accusations of witchcraft. “Not one step closer ...” He lit his horn and spread his wings, “... I COMMAND you.”

The mare's sneer deepened and she took another step, “Colt thinks he's a princess.” She snorted derisively.

Twilight sighed and forced more power through his horn and enforced his domain upon the belligerent mare, compressing her domain under the oppressive force of his power. It was a gauche abuse of power, but Twilight was rapidly losing patience with this mare; he wanted this nonsense over with.

But, instead of being cowed by the spiritual pressure, the mare let out a manic whinny and charged faster than a mare of her musclebound bulk should be able to move, before throwing a heavy right hook at the alicorn.

Not expecting the attack, Twilight was struck on the cheek, reflexively taking a half step back, more shocked than injured, “It's Treason, then.”

He was overtaken by a burning Rage, how dare this lowlife scum strike him. It took every scrap of Twilight's willpower to avoid goring the mare, or shattering her skull with a similar strike, or tearing her filthy throat out with his teeth.

Instead, he replied with a wing strike to the mare's chest, faster than a pony could blink.

The mare was launched a dozen metres into the far wall and fell to the ground, gasping for air as she coughed up blood. It was likely that her sternum had been shattered from the strike.

Twilight tilted his head, perhaps he had struck her harder than he intended ... oh, well, not like he could even force himself to care.

Then, somehow, the mare started to get up, despite her severe difficulties breathing.

What the buck? Even a Twilight would be hard pressed to continue fighting with such an injury. “Yeah, no, enough of that.” Twilight sighed, and he lit his horn again, ruthlessly crushing the injured mare's waning domain as he lifted her telekinetically.

“Okay, the thing that little monsters like you never understand ...” Twilight snarled as he trotted around the levitated mare, “... is that there's always a bigger monster.”

Umbra gave a concerned look at her sister and silently mouthing 'monster', “Uh, Sparkle, I don't think she's listening.”

“What?” Twilight asked before glancing at the mare.

The mare's mouth was frothing red in madness and her eyes were filled with pure unthinking rage, betraying not even a shred of higher thought.

Twilight recoiled in disgust, “You know what, I've had enough of this. I'll deal with you later.” He cast an overpowered stunning spell at the mare before teleporting her away in a blinding flash. “What the actual buck was that?”

Umbra sighed, “I really hope I'm wrong, but I think that was Berzurk.”

“Berserk?”

“Uh, Berzurk, spelled with a 'zu', is a 'next gen' steroid. It's twice as powerful as anything we've seen before and is extremely addictive, but the primary defining feature of it is the blind rages its users experience, hence the name.”

“Huh, I've never heard of it.”

“It's new, really new; we first encountered it a few years back; some mercs have taken to using it.”

Shadow scowled, “And it's major bad news. I've seen a mare rip her own comrade limb from limb over a minor disagreement.”

Twilight eyed Umbra, “And how certain are you that this mare was using this Berzurk?”

“Uh, I can't be completely certain without sending her blood back to the Manor for testing, but I can't think of another drug that would have quite that extreme a reaction; she attacked an alicorn stallion in broad daylight with two dozen witnesses. It could be something else, like a curse or possession, but ...” the fact that such things were rather rare went unspoken, Umbra sighed, “I really hope I'm wrong though, selling Berzurk to mercs in some war-torn hellhole is one thing, but selling it to Equestrian civies is a major escalation. Damn, those bastards.”

“That would be a bit of a problem, let's hope this isn't the beginning of a pattern.” Twilight said darkly, he had a sinking feeling that this might not be the last time he encountered this 'Berzurk'. “Shadow, I need you to go get a doctor.”

“A doctor? Are you okay?”

Twilight shook his head, “Not for me, it'd take a lot more than that to injure an alicorn.”

“Oh.”

“I sent her to the dungeon, she should be unconscious for at least a day, so it should be safe.”

Shadow paused, quickly glancing between Twilight and Umbra.

Umbra sighed, “Well, what are you waiting for?”

“Uh, will you be okay on your own ...” Shadow spoke with an uncharacteristic amount of insecurity.

“Yes, we'll be fine, go.” Umbra replied, sounding far from certain.

“You're sure?”

“No, but the quicker you leave, the quicker you get back to your post.”

Twilight watched Shadow swiftly canter out of the bakery with a small frown; for as much as this day had been a nightmare for him, it certainly hadn't been any easier on his guards.

“Sparkle, we need to talk about expanding your guard.”

Twilight sighed, “I never wanted a guard ...”

... I never wanted to be royalty.

“I know,” Umbra sighed, “but today's events proves that it is no longer merely a case of legal obligation. The two of us, we ...” she paused, “... we can't protect you, not alone.”

I shouldn't even need protection. “Fine, but this is a conversation for later, right now we have to focus on getting through this day without killing anypony.”

“Right.” Umbra grimaced, neglecting to mention how likely it was that they had already failed. The alicorn stallion hit like a train, and she had seen many ponies die from but a fraction of the impact with which he had struck the roided out mare. With a bucking wing strike. Umbra shook her head, she had known that alicorns were stronger than mortal ponies, but that was bucking ridiculous.

“Oh, are you alright, dearie?”

“Yes, Mrs. Cake, I'm fine. We alicorns are much more robust than we appear, it'd take a lot more than that to actually injure me.”

“Oh, well, thank you for dealing with that mare. She was giving us ... difficulties.” The middle aged earth mare limped over to the stallion, clearly favouring her left foreleg and wincing with every step, “Pinkie normally deals with our difficult customers, but I think even she would struggle with that mare.”

Twilight frowned, it didn't take a genius to guess what had happened. “So Pinkie isn't here?”

Mrs. Cake shook her head, “Pinkie Pie isn't in right now ... honestly, we haven't seen her much in the last three weeks, something about a party emergency.”

Twilight nodded for a second before freezing, “So, uh, by 'a party emergency', you mean 'a series of multiple party emergencies', correct?” 'Party Emergencies' were a semi-regular occurrence in Ponyville; for as much as Pinkie liked to plan her parties ahead of time, there were some occurrences even she couldn't predict – normally a new pony moving to Ponyville or a foal discovering her Special Talent – hence a 'party emergency'. That said, such 'emergencies' were typically rather short lived – Twilight's own 'Welcome to Ponyville' party had been assembled in something like 4 hours – and Twilight had never known them to last more than two days.

Mrs. Cake shook her head, “No, it was definitely just a single emergency.”

Twilight involuntarily shuddered, What could possibly warrant a three week long party emergency? He shook his head, No, Pinkie isn't an elder horror or Outsider, she's just an incredibly friendly pony. “So, did she ever mention what this 'party emergency' even is?”

Mrs. Cake lightly smiled and shook her head, “You know how Pinkie is, it's apparently 'classified uber duper top secret'.” the mare paused, “Oh, I'm sorry, dearie, I got so wrapped up in talking that I forgot to ask if you wanted anything.”

“Oh, no I'm not hungr ...” Twilight blushed as he was cut off by his stomach growling, “Eh, heh, heh, maybe I'll take a cupcake.”

Mrs. Cake trotted behind the counter, moving surprisingly quickly despite her limp. She collected a dozen assorted cupcakes in a box before hoofing it the stallion, “Here, it's on the house.”

“Oh, you don't need to do that, Mrs. Cake.” Twilight replied, making a stop gesture with a wing.

“Of course I do, dearie, and I'm not going to be talked out of it.” The mare levelled a serious look.

Twilight paused, this was an argument he knew he wasn't going to win, “Oh, thank you, Mrs. Cake.” he accepted the box with his magic before levitating it to Spike. “Well, I'll get out of your mane, I don't want to hold up your paying customers. I still have to visit Rarity and Fluttershy.”

“Well, I won't hold you,” Mrs. Cake frowned, “just be careful. Mares these days ...” the baker looked to the wall cracked from the collision of the berserk mare and shook her head, “... they just don't know how to treat a stallion.”

“I understand your concern, but I am fully capable of defending myself.” Twilight replied, somewhat deceptively; in truth, he simply could not trust himself with self-defence, not with the destructive combination of his inequine aggression, emotional instability and alicorn strength.

“I have no doubt of that, dearie, but you shouldn't have to.” Mrs. Cake sighed, “Oh, what is this town coming to? Mares attacking innocent stallions in broad daylight.”

Twilight sighed as he trotted out of the bakery, that could have gone better.

“Oh, sweet, sapphire, my favourite.” Spike exclaimed from his withers before greedily devouring a bejewelled cupcake, his teeth trivially shearing through the second hardest mundane mineral known to ponykind.

Twilight chuckled and shook his head, at least he had Spike.

Captain Twilight Aura felt a deep dread as she followed Frost, her father – or perhaps, her sire, as he certainly hadn't a single paternal bone in his body –through the winding halls of the Twilight Manor.

His guidance was unnecessary, of course, everypony in the Twilight Manor eventually learned where Lady Velvet's 'Lair' was – if, for no other reason than to avoid it – and Aura had been born here.

Nonetheless, Twilight Frost was Lady Velvet's enforcer, and he did his best to make certain that his elder sister's will was done, no matter how irrational or counter-productive. While Aura was not one to shirk her responsibilities, there was no lack of Twilights that would neglect meeting with their head of house if at all possible.

Frost's presence was cold, both literally and figuratively, he didn't even bother to look at his eldest daughter as he silently put one hoof in front of the other. He was a firm believer in 'not wasting words'.

Aura sighed, it was hard not to feel resentment towards the stallion who was supposed to be her father, a stallion who was unable to care about anypony but his older sister.

Nonetheless, Aura couldn't help but feel that she and her younger sisters had gotten off lightly; at least Frost had the humility to understand that he wasn't father material and let Aura, Flare and Spark be raised by better ponies. Lady Velvet's daughters – well son and daughter, now – hadn't been so lucky.

Young filly Sparkle had been isolated from the rest of the house and driven nearly mad by her mother's malignant influence, slowly escalating until something had happened. Something that drove the Twilight Council into a fervour that nopony had seen before or since.

Aura had no clue what the filly had done – she herself had only been a teen at that time – but considering that the Twilight Council had considered sending young Sparkle to apprentice under bucking Princess Celestia preferable to leaving her in Lady Velvet's grasp, it had to have been bad.

Aura felt a burst of shame, guilt and regret. She should have done more, she shouldn't have let her fear of Lady Velvet keep her away from her little cousin. Twilights may not be Equestrians, but they're still a social kind, isolation like that is damaging to the psyche.

The only one who was brave enough to risk Lady Velvet's wrath had been Shining Armour, a stallion, and an Equestrian at that.

It was that event that made Aura promise to herself that she would never again let her fear of the infamous 'Lady Velvet the Mad' control her.

Nonetheless, Aura couldn't help but feel terrified, Lady Velvet was erratic and irrational on a good day, and on a bad day ... well, there were very few things more dangerous than a demented Archmage. And while many doubted Lady Velvet's competence when it came to rule, nopony doubted her power or skill in the arcane arts.

She really hoped Lady Velvet wasn’t in a bad mood, there was no telling how she was taking her firstborn daughter's transformation into a stallion.

Aura shook her head, there was no sense in dwelling on it. Predicting Lady Velvet's moods was harder than predicting Everfree's weather.

Suddenly, Frost came to a halt.

Oh, we're already here, Aura thought as she gazed upon the solid stone door.

'Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here' was engraved in the stone doorframe, and a crude image of a pony's skull and crossbones, surrounded by the words 'kEEp ouT' was scrawled with crayon on a single sheet of paper taped to the door.

Aura grimaced, she knew the incongruity was likely designed to destabilize visitors, but that didn't make it any less concerning.

Aura glanced at Frost, finding the stallion standing there nearly stationary, more akin a golem than a being of flesh and blood.

Aura sighed and approached the door; there was no point in delaying this.

The first thing she noticed as she approached was the muffled sounds of a mare ... chanting?

She shook her head, placed a hoof on the door and pushed it open.

“... Chart Fhtagn. Ia Ia Shipping Chart Fhtagn.” Lady Velvet the Mad chanted as she danced with inequine fluidity, mimicking some kind of occult or pagan ritual, a half-rotted mangy stuffed bobcat held in her grasp.

Aura glanced around the room and shuddered. It was a nightmare; in the centre of the room hung a crude crayon drawing of a purple alicorn stallion – it didn't take a genius to recognize Sparkle – suspended by uncountable hundreds of strings – spanning all colour that exist, and several that didn't – tying it to hundreds of other images, mostly of ponies, but some of other things. Things whose images burnt the mind to even look at.

Aura briefly closed her eyes and centred herself – drawing on her counter-cognitohazard training – before opening her eyes and taking a second look around the room, her eyes sliding past the hazardous images without seeing them.

“Ia Ia Shipping Chart Fhtagn.” Velvet continued to dance, effortlessly moving past the countless lengths of yarn without even disturbing them.

Now that Aura had hardened her mind, she started to recognize many of the ponies in the images, over in that corner were the three alicorn princesses, and on that wall were Sparkle's fellow bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and over on that wall were most of the single mares in Twilight Manor ... including Aura and her younger sisters.

“Ia Ia Shipping Chart Fhtagn.”

Aura's stomach twisted in disgust, she had no desire to be 'shipped' with her cousin.

Suddenly Lady Velvet froze, ceasing her chant.

Aura's stomach dropped.

Lady Velvet's head slowly turned towards her niece, slowly revealing her inequinely wide smile to the younger mare.

Aura shivered involuntarily.

Velvet's head stopped turning as it directly faced Aura, her eyes staring deep into her soul.

Neither mare moved for several seconds.

“Ah, Captain Aura, mmyes, waiting for you, I have been.”

“Uh, I came as soon as I was informed.”

“Know you, a conundrum, I have?”

“Sparkle is a stallion now?”

“Ah, mmyes, a daughter no more a daughter is, a son, a son!” Velvet exclaimed in excitement with a rictus grin, before bouncing over to Aura, slipping impossibly through the forest of yarn.

Aura involuntarily took a step back, well, she's in a good mood, that's either good, or really, really bad. “Why did you call me here?”

“My son, is a son, is a son. Mares, he needs, mares, many mares ...” The mare froze, her ear flicking towards the stuffed bobcat in her grip, “... Mmyes, Vexequin?” she was silent for a moment, “Aye, Vexequin, many, many mares.”

“Right ...” Aura withheld a gag, she really hoped Lady Velvet didn't mean what she thought she meant. “And what do you want me to do about that?”

“Mares, find many, you will. Needs them my son, much need, very mares.”

“Uh, huh ...” as much as she hated herself for it, Aura was relieved; Lady Velvet did not wish to force Aura or her younger sisters into conjugal relations with Sparkle – not that Aura would acquiesce if she were – no, she just wanted them to go out and 'acquire mares' for him, because that's a good use of valuable military assets during wartime.

The Twilight in Aura scoffed, by asking Aura to aid Sparkle in finding wives Lady Velvet was shaming her own son, implying that he was unable to seduce wives for himself; a prospect that Aura was incredibly doubtful of, alicorn stallions have always been in far greater demand than supply. Even with the confounding factor of Sparkle being a former mare, Aura couldn't help but get offended on his behalf.

It was a pivotal achievement for all Twilights, stallion or mare, to find and romance your wives or husband respectively, through your own wit and charm.

Something that Aura had insofar been rather unsuccessful at, Damn you, Cadenza, Shining was mine until you went and filled his head with your degenerate notions of monogamy, 'Princess of Love' my flank.

“Hmmm, what, waiting for, you? Needs mares, does my Sparkle. Delaying, you are.”

Aura flinched back, “What, you mean now? Eta Team just got back from the front, they're due some leave, a week at least.”

Lady Velvet went silent and stared at the younger mare.

Aura met her gaze, ignoring every instinct that told her to look away.

“Fine,” Lady Velvet scowled, “days three, have you. Then mares, much mares.”

Aura bit back an argument, “Yes, my lady. Eta Team will leave to 'find mares' in three days. Now, excuse me, but I have much planning to do.” Aura stated before turning to leave the room.

Lady Velvet said nothing as she watched Aura leave.

Aura cantered swiftly away from Lady Velvet's 'lair', paying no mind as she passed her fathers statue-like form.

What now? How am I supposed to 'find mares' for Sparkle? I'm a soldier, not a matchmaker. I'm useless at this romance shit, I'm 35 and still single, how the buck am I supposed to find mares good enough for an alicorn prince?

Suddenly there was a flash of amber fire and suddenly a large weight appeared in Aura's left saddlebag, “Wha ..?” Aura turned her head to find the culprit, “Princess Lepidoptera?!” she exclaimed in outrage.

The changeling in question flopped out of Aura's saddlebag and hit the ground with a thud, “Ugh, I don't feel so good ...” she said woozily, before vomiting a revolting black sludge onto the stone floor.

As she watched the black goop bubble and hiss, as it slowly burnt its way through solid stone, Aura's anger was overcome with concern, “Are you okay?”

Dora hacked up another glob of the sludge before turning to Aura, “'Mfine ... just purging ... bad ... emotions.” she spoke between regurgitation.

Aura frowned softly as she patted the changeling's withers with a hoof, “Let it all out ...” Aura consoled, torn between concern and fascination. Changelings were so interesting, Aura hadn't known it was possible to poison a changeling with negative emotions, but it made sense.

Aura watched the goop slowly evaporate into nothingness, this new information had promise. If they could manage to stabilize and synthesize this substance, it could be an edge against Queen Chrysalis and her Green Hive, if they could aerosolize or aetherialize it ...

... well, hatred gas shells might be enough of an advantage to break the miserable stalemate the war with the changelings was stuck in. House Twilight might finally be able to invade the so-called 'Grand Hive' and destroy that horrible anti-magic throne of the Green Queen.

And with the Green Hive defeated, House Twilight could commit more resources and marepower to the Gryphon Civil War and crush the filthy, degenerate, pony-eating scum that called themselves a 'rebellion'.

Aura covertly lit her horn and cast several analysis spells on the substance, How interesting. It was composed of water and a familiar magically active complex of simple sugars, saturated with emotionally aligned mana, chemically indistinguishable from the glowing pink gel that Dora occasionally excreted to store emotional energy for later, colloquially known as 'changeling honey'.

Yet despite that, the magically charged syrup was acting more caustic than thaumetic sulphite. While it was hardly surprising to see magical imbuement alter the physical and chemical properties of a substance, it was strange to see how much of a difference emotional alignment made in this case, without anything even resembling a spell-form, too.

And unfortunately, that alteration of chemical properties was the root cause of the 'dark honey's' instability, as the induced acidity was attacking the very sugar that allowed the substance to even store mana – of course, the Manor wards deciding that the honey was a hostile, external threat and trying to destroy it wasn't helping – if House Twilight wanted to use negative emotions as a weapon, they would need to find a more chemically stable complex to hold it.

Dora finally finished hacking up the honey, her chitin slightly brightening.

“Are you feeling better?” Aura asked, showing no outward sign of her contemplation.

The changeling nodded weakly.

“Now, Dora, what possessed you to spy on me?” The ling's actions were a massive breach of procedure, and while, luckily, nothing classified had been discussed in Aura's meeting, it had still been a major violation of OpSec. Heh, Intelligence is going to have an aneurysm when I report this.

“Spy? No, never.” Dora denied, “You were going with a bad pony. I couldn't let you go alone.”

Aura sighed, “Dora, as much as your concern is appreciated, I am more than capable of protecting myself.” She paused, “What do you mean by 'bad pony'?”

“His emotions ... they were ... I don't know ... like anger and hatred and disdain, but cold and wrong. It was horrible, he's horrible. I thought he was going to hurt you, or worse.”

Aura sighed, “Frost ... he has a condition, he doesn't process emotions normally. But he wasn't going to hurt me, if you could believe it, he's actually my father.”

That, apparently, was the wrong thing to say, as Dora's expression became one of abject horror, “But, but, but, he doesn't love you! A father needs to love his daughters, he needs to or they come out holey and twisted and wrong.”

Aura sighed, and looked into the changeling's eyes “As I said earlier, Dora, ponies aren't physiologically dependent on love like changelings are, we don't suffer deformities if we are insufficiently loved.”

“Oh, right.” Dora flinched and looked away, “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.”

Aura quirked an eyebrow, “Sorry for what?”

“Mother always said that ponies don't like it when you tell them that their loved ones don't love them, even if it's true, especially if it's true. I'm sorry for telling you that your father doesn't love you.”

Aura sighed again, “It's okay Dora, I already knew. Frost's inability to love is hardly a secret. And it's okay, he may have not loved us, but we have many aunts and uncles and cousins that do.” Frost, for all his many faults, at least had the wherewithal to recognize that he was not cut out for foal rearing, and had not interfered when other ponies had taken it upon themselves to fill that role; unlike somepony.

In truth, Aura felt grateful, she had no idea where she would be today if Frost had been as possessive of his children as Lady Velvet had been of hers. I probably would be living in some small village, pretending House Twilight doesn't exist, just like Sparkle. Although I somehow doubt I would have become an alicorn ... or a stallion.

Aura turned back to Dora, “So, Dora, compared to the average changeling, how good are you at transformation?”

The changeling looked surprised, “Uh, mother always said I was pretty good.” she said bashfully, blushing orange.

“Like, how good, exactly? How many other changelings in your mother's hive could have transformed into something that small?”

“Um, uh, none; just me. Changing your size when transforming is ... hard, many lings can't do it at all, but I've always been good at it. Father told me that 'It must be your Special Talent', and I said 'Changelings don't have those, you silly pony'.”

“And what about Queen Chrysalis's hive?”

Dora shook her head, “No, definitely not, the Green Queen doesn't even have any noble lings; collectors and infiltrators and soldiers and some praetorians and lots and lots of low cast, but no nobles of princesses; mother says the Green Queen would never give up even the tiniest bit of power, and she'd never lay a ling that could someday replace her. A queen's the only ling that lays, but princesses become queens and nobles can be made into princesses.” she paused, “The Green Queen ... she does not treat her lings well, and if there were any nobles or princesses, the Green lings might try to overthrow her. But without anyling to replace her ... well noling would ever dare, it would mean the end of the hive.”

Aura nodded, “And you're certain that a collector or infiltrator couldn't manage the same thing?”

“Yes, collectors can only do ponies, really, and usually only two or three specific forms; infiltrators are a bit more flexible, but only really good lings can even go as small as a large dog.”

Aura let out a breath in relief, Dora might be a security nightmare, but at least she was a unique security nightmare. Aura smirked, a unique security nightmare that was on their side. “So, Dora, what is your opinion on Lady Velvet?”

The changeling frowned, “I don't like her, she's mean and selfish and dishonest.”

Aura stared for a second, that wasn't the response she expected, it wasn't at all. She had been expecting something like 'mad' or 'deranged' or something akin to the revulsion she had responded to Frost with. But, 'mean and selfish and dishonest'? Aura could definitely see how 'mean' fit, Velvet was not known as being a particularly kind mare, but 'selfish' and 'dishonest'? Well that didn't really fit anything of what Aura knew about the mare.

Aura shook her head, it wasn't important, “Well, why don't you go back to your room, we'll have a longer chat later, but right now I have captain business to do.”

“Yes, captain.” Dora thumped her chest in salute, before trotting off, seemingly no worse for wear despite her recent poisoning.

Aura sighed, oh, Dora what am I going to do with you? She set off at a steady trot, noting the black honey had completely evaporated during their short conversation, leaving only a small scar in the floor; Intelligence would need to be informed in pony immediately, and while she was there she might as well see if they have any leads on Eta Team's new ‘mission’.