Twilight Decides to Ring A Call Centre... And Instantly Regrets It.
"This'll only take a minute..."
“Hello? Is anypony there? I heard the ‘click’ thingie and it stopped ringing, so I thought I must be connected.”
“Hi there! Welcome to Equine Solutions Inc, making perfect products for persnickety ponies since the Ancient Chaos Age Of Discord…”
…That seems rather an odd fact to boast about, but anyway… “Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle and I am calling in regards to…”
“...Please listen to the following options… If you want to report an issue with one of our high quality goods, please press one. If you would like to know the nearest store where you can buy any of our fine market-tested items, it’s two. If you are looking to work for us at a highly competitive salary, it’s three…”
Oh great, I forgot they’d probably be a recorded message. Just what I need when I have a kingdom to run, a dragon to feed and a bath running upstairs. This’d better be quick…
…For any positive or negative feedback about your experiences with our wholesome, family-run business it’s seven, and for general enquiries about anything generally, it’s eight. If you wish to hear this message again, it’s nine and if you want to hang up now, it’s zero.”
Wait a second. What’s the point in allocating a specific button to hanging up, when I could simply put down the… you know what, it doesn’t matter. 1, 1 please! Why you have to wait until the end of the message before you can press the button I don’t know, but at least I don’t have to listen to all that nonsensical jibber-jabber agai…
“Hi there! Welcome to Equine Solutions Inc, making perfect products for persnickety ponies since…”
I pressed it! I pressed the darn button! I even did it twice just to be sure! Oh, fiddlesticks! Now I have to start again from the blasted beginning. That’s two minutes of my eternal existence I’ll never get back. At least Spike can’t hear me use such terrible language inside my own head…”
“Um, Twi. Getting kinda hungry here.”
“Yes, I know Spike… but this phone call is kinda important, and would be over much quicker if they’d only hire somepony competent enough to manage their overflowing menu system! Also, the faux chirpiness of the ‘we’re-happy-to help’ voice of whichever individual they hired to record this endless list of options is a real pain in the… flank.”
“Strange. I thought you liked lists.”
“Yes, yes I do Spike. But not all lists. Just like you don’t like all gems. Emeralds, for example?”
“...It’s not that I hate them, but they give me gas something awful. Not very nice when you’re doing your morning squats in front of the mirror.”
“Er, I believe the colts and fillies these days would describe that as ‘TYI’, Spike. Why don’t don’t you go back into the kitchen, and I’ll be over there in just a sec to reach up and unscrew that jar full of jewels? This won’t take much longer, I’ve been pressing ‘one’ repeatedly since that stupid message restarted itself. I will not be denied!!”
“...Well anyway, good luck with that. And I can undo the container myself, it’s just located on a much higher place than I’m used to. Like, two metres from ground level. Practically a mountain. Why Starlight had to reorganise the entire layout of our shelves when she moved in, I don’t know…”
“I had to give her something to be getting on with; I don’t want her to get bored and relapse. Much better she ‘establish her order’ on the way a room is presented, than on innocent ponies confused about their Cutie Mar… oops, ssshhh I think I’m finally getting somewhere with this impossible company. This may come as a surprise to you, but I can be very pushy when I want to be.”
“Where’s the surprise…!”
“Sorry Spike, did you say something?”
“N-No, I was just wondering where the pies were. You know, in case I don’t get to eat any gems today because you’re spending so long on that phone.”
“ ‘Pies’? But I’ve never known you to eat one of them in your lif… oh, hi! Am I finally through to somepony? Because I’ve been standing here for the best part of ten minutes, twirling the phone cord around my hooves like a cat’s cradle, when quite frankly I’ve got much better things to…”
“Show me the meaning of being ppoonnyy…”
Oh great, now I’m in a queue… and forced to listen to a cheesy pop song I absolutely despise. I’m sure if I was twelve again and considerably less academically gifted, I would’ve fallen hard for The Buckstreet Stallions. But their out-of-sync pre-pudescent warbling just reminds me of all the late nights I was kept awake by my less talented peers playing their lovelorn dirges until the wee small hours, when I could’ve been studying instead. All those ponies who swear your school days are the best of your lives? Take it from somepony who knows… they’re not.
“Hi! Thank you for holding on the line, and being so patient, Your call is very important to us, and we’d just like to thank you for taking the time to contact us today. We’ll be with you as soon as we can, and…”
Blah, blah, blah. There now follows a robotic statement rivalled only in its insincerity by its utter ingenuity. If you’re going to pretend to care, at least hire somepony who seems interested and doesn’t sound like he’s talking through his muzzle. Seriously, just get on with it. What could be taking so long…?!
“...And now, back to the music. Trot by Trot, ooh filly, gonna get to ya ggiirrlll…”
You know in hindsight, a lot of these old songs seem a bit creepy, considering the target audience. Especially this one, from New Colts On The Farm. I wonder if any of the parents back then even glanced at the lyrics… arrgh! I’m getting sidetracked again! “Just shut up already, would you! I hate this generic music, and just want to talk to somepony, anypony…”
“I’m sorry Miss, but I personally don’t select the musical tracks that are playing whilst our valued customers are waiting in line. If you want I can pass you straight over to our media department, where such indispensable decisions are made.Transferring you now…”
“No!! I-I was just shouting at the phone in anger, because I’ve been on hold to talk to an actual living, breathing pony for the last twenty-five minutes! I-I didn’t actually mean…”
“Is that so… may I ask you madam, do you often yell at inanimate objects who won’t talk back?”
“W-What? No, of course not! I am a very sane, rational… look, you’re distracting me from what I rang you to talk about, which wasn’t your choice in background music and definitely was not regarding a psychological profile of my coping mechanisms! Can I please just get right to the point?”
“Please do Ms, after all it’s what we’re here for. To listen, learn, improve and service our invaluable clientele, who’s very bits are the lifeblood we survive and thrive upon.”
“...A bit dramatic, but never mind. I am contacting you today in regards to a specialist horn-polishing cream you sold me, down at my local Barnyard Bargains shop. You see, the problem with it is…”
“Let me just stop you for a second there, Ma’am. I have never worked for, nor as far as I’m aware has any member of my extended family, ever worked for ‘Barnyard Bargains’, so it couldn’t possibly be me who served you. I don’t even go there for myself, as the name of the place would suggest I need ‘Bargains’ in order to remain financially solvent, which I assure you, under my current generous salary my wonderful company gives me, I most certainly do not require.”
“Stop fudging the issue! I was referring to your ‘wonderful’ company as an single entity, not you specifically. If you’ll just let me finish, I was just about to inform you I recently underwent a big change in my life, and make a lot of public appearances for special occasions so it’s essential I always look my best. The front of your product clearly states and I quote ‘Will Make Your Horn Glimmer And Sparkle’, but in reality it…”
“Excuse me for butting in once again, but I forgot to ask you for your name. All calls are recorded for future training, education and potential lawsuit purposes, so I need to know to whom it is I’m speaking to so you can give your permission. May I enquire as to what it is?”
“Oh, of course. My name is Twilight Sparkle, or ‘Princess Twilight Sparkle’ if you want my full title. You see, the ‘change’ I referred to earlier was regarding my transformation into an alicorn, so now my horn is bigger and sharper than ever, it’s an absolute must I keep it in premium condition…”
“Wait a second. Did you just say your name is… ‘Twilight Sparkle’? And one day you just so happened to turn into a ‘Princess’?”
“Yes, I do believe that’s what I just told you.”
“So, a member of the royal family uses one of our least expensive budget products, calls us themselves instead of relying on one of their hapless flunkies, and wants a refund on it when they’ve probably got oodles of cash lying about their fifty-foot castle?”
“N-Now hold on. The only part you were right about there is when you said I live in a castle. Everything else you said is just not…”
“....And your supposed name ‘Twilight Sparkle’. Is it a coincidence that you're calling us at ‘Twilight’, about a cream that’s supposed to make your horn ‘Sparkle’?”
“When you put it like that, I suppose it does sound a bit odd. Here’s another strange fact, I have somepony else who lives with me called ‘Starlight Glimmer’, like it also says your product will do to my horn in your commercials. Only problem is, it…”
“Oh right, sure. Next you’ll be telling me you cohabit with a dragon, saved the world from absolute destruction thrice and this ‘castle’ you live in just magically appeared one day from nothing. And it’s made from indestructable crystals! Am I getting warm yet?”
“Erm… as a matter of fact… everything you just mentioned there…”
“Okay, ‘Twilight Sparkle’ or whatever your name is… I’m going to ask you this one time and one time only…”
“Yes?”
“Is this a prank call?”
“N-No!! I am phoning because your wholly inadequate horn polish turned my horn green. I look absolutely ridiculous! I can’t open the new star observatory in Ponyville looking like this! They’ll think I’m a martian! I want to know what you’re going to do about it right now!!”
“Hmm, okay. I’m beginning to get the picture. Alright, if I may make one final personal query, what colour is your mane and fur?”
“Different shades of purple and lavender, if you want to be specific. Why did you need to know that?”
“Nothing. Just trying to picture you with purple fur and a green horn. I can see how that could clash quite badly, especially if you’re in the habit of kissing foals and christening ships during your day-to-day routine. Okay then, ‘Twilight Sparkle’, this is what I’m gonna do about your unfortunate situation…”
“Finally. Better late than never, I suppose, seeing as I’ve been on this line for the best part of an hour. Come on then, I’m all ears.”
“…Have a good laugh at your expense after this phone call, that’s what. If you magnify the telescope at this alleged ‘observatory’ you mentioned the size of a millionth of a grain of sand, you still wouldn’t be able to locate the damn I give regarding your tragic predicament. ‘Princess’, indeed. Go bother other more gullible ponies about your made-up problems, because I’ve got better things to do. Thank you for utterly wasting my time, and please don’t call again.” Click.
“B-But I… you… grrrrrrr.” A very irate Twilight Sparkle (turquoise horn and all) realised she’d been abruptly cut-off...
CRASH! ...A few seconds before a glass jar could be heard shattering in the background, as an increasingly impatient Spike tried and failed to reach his precious jewels by balancing himself precariously on the edge of a wobbly chair, quickly followed by...
SPLASH! ...A veritable tsunami of water cascading down the stairs, caused by an unattended bathtub that had now flooded most of the second floor.
Forget about that from way back in the fifth paragraph, did you? Don't feel too bad... so did Twilight.
It never rains, but it pours sometimes. Literally, in this case.
But Twilight wasn’t about to let this go. For as much as she could be classified as a benevolent, generous, selfless leader, she did have a breaking point.
Hear that loud snapping noise? The mad cackling? See her left eyelid twitching? You know what they say about the nice ones…
Another less well-known phrase (mainly because there's not too many of them around) is 'Never Seriously Tick Off An Alicorn'.
Uh oh.
**********************************
Much further afield in the busy office blocks of Manehattan, It’d been a good day on the phones for Big Hussle. He’d managed to avoid distributing at least a dozen refunds for clearly faulty products (including to some old geriatric mare who’s alleged wrinkle-remover had made her face resemble that of a century-old tortoise), given a rude prankster both barrels straight to the jugular and even pocketed a loose bit of change a careless colt had dropped on his way back to the jungle gym.
If I keep up the exceptional graft for the rest of the week, the boss said I may get the key to my own executive washroom. He mused confidently later on at home, blowing out his candle before getting into bed. Just think of it… private showers, chequered floor, soap dispensers that actually work, and I’ll no longer have to put up with Shady Deals telling me all about his new swimming pool in the opposite cubicle. He can lord it up all he wants, but I’ll be the one who makes vice president before… huh? Who’s that banging on my door at this late hour?
He swiftly grabbed a lantern and put on his best polyester dressing gown, before going to see who it was. “Who are you four weirdos in cheap fancy dress, and why are you bothering me in the middle of the night for candy? It’s a bit early for Nightmare Night, isn’t it?”
“I can assure you sir, this armour is not ‘fancy dress’, but our official palace uniforms. And we’re not here for ‘candy’ but for you. Please step forward; we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”
“Hang on, you can’t just… hey, what are those hoofcuffs for? Where are you dragging me off to with all the neighbours watching… and what’s with those sharp spears…?!”
Needless to say, by flagrantly trying to resist arrest, he soon got the ‘point’.
Looks like it was ‘the hard way’ after all.
“OUCH!”
Author's Note
Yes, I did write this because I had a very bad experience relating to one of these call lines today. 
No, this is not a bizarre way at all for me to let out my latent frustrations. I've already headbutted the wall, punched a cushion and jumped up and down screaming at the top of my voice, so I thought this might be good as an alternate kind of therapy. 
Did it help? A bit. 
Hope you found my pain amusing. After all, someone's got to. Till next time then... 
