Twilight Sparkle Explains... US Elections

by Dreadnought

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Equestria Girls, Main 7 (EqG), Slice of Life
Length: 3496

The girls face their greatest challenge ever - politics.

With an upcoming test in government class, it's up to Twilight Sparkle to explain the intricacies of the US election system.

"This story is great! Just great! The best thing I've read, and I've read quite a lot."
- Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States

"This story can be described by three letters: G-O-O-D. Good!"
- Joseph R. Biden, Jr., 46th President of the United States

"This story should be required reading for all students in the United Kingdom. It is important for them to understand our partner in the Special Relationship."
- Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

"This proves elections in Russia are better."
- Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation

"The greatest essay on politics in America since the Federalist Papers."
- Dr. Larry Sabato, Professor of Politics at the University of Virginia

Published 2023-12-15 20:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-11-05 23:02:17 UTC

Study Session

Sunset Shimmer set down her tray and took a seat at the cafeteria table. Wordlessly she picked up a fork and began to eat her salad, chewing thoroughly and thoughtfully.

“Howdy Sunset,” greeted Applejack, sitting across from her.

“Oh, hey,” she responded indifferently as she continued to eat.

The others seemed to notice something off.

Regarding her friend with concern, Rarity prompted, “Darling, are you alright?”

Looking up, she sighed, “Oh, sorry. I’m just a little distracted. It’s just we’ve got that big government test next week and I’m not feeling too good about it.”

“I know what you mean,” began Rainbow Dash as she popped a ketchup-coated French fry into her mouth, “I’m not looking forward to it either.”

“Neither am I,” added Fluttershy quietly.

Twilight Sparkle adjusted her glasses, “Come on girls, it won’t be that bad.”

“Sure,” Rainbow mocked, “not for the teen prodigy.”

Pinkie Pie perked up, “Ooh! Ooh! Why don’t we have a study session at my house tonight!”

The others considered it. “Sure, couldn’t hurt,” said Sunset.

“Count me in,” declared Rainbow Dash.

The others nodded in agreement.

“It’ll be so much fun!” declared Pinkie Pie.

“An’ we might learn a thin’ or two,” finished Applejack.

~~~

Ding Dong!

The door swung open. “Rarity!” greeted Pinkie Pie. “We weren’t sure if you were coming.”

Removing her fur-lined jacket, she tsked, “I’m just a little fashionably late, darling, nothing more.”

“Okay! The pizza arrived a few minutes ago, but it’s still nice and hot,” Pinkie Pie explained as she led her friend back to her bedroom.

As the two entered, she noticed a familiar setup. Twilight reclined on the bed with her face buried in a textbook, a slice of pizza resting on a paper plate next to her. Sunset and Fluttershy sat on the floor eating while Spike begged for the pizza crust. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were once again battling it out in the video game. Facing defeat, Rainbow Dash reached for the power button on the game console only to have her hand swatted away. “Not this time,” taunted a smiling Applejack.

After a few minutes to let everyone get settled, and let Rainbow calm down, Twilight Sparkle addressed the group. “I think it’s time we started our study session.”

The other girls broke out their textbooks and notebooks.

“So, where should we start?” asked Sunset Shimmer.

“How about we address your questions first then we can have a general study session,” suggested Twilight.

“Well, there’s so much I don’t know,” admitted Sunset. “Why don’t we start with the princess who runs the country.”

Confused, Applejack asked, “Uh, you mean the President, right Sunset?”

“President?”

“Yeah, the guy we elect to be our leader,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Elect?”

“Darling, we are a democracy,” explained Rarity.

“Technically,” elaborated Twilight, “we are a federal constitutional democratic republic.”

Sunset looked confused as she absentmindedly tapped her pen on her notebook.

Rainbow asked, “How do you not know this?”

“Well,” Sunset hesitated, “I wasn’t exactly staying here long term.”

“Oh, right,” said Pinkie. “You were going to raise a zombie army to invade Equestria so you could rule as tyrannical dictator.”

Five girls angrily glared at Pinkie.

“What?” she asked.

Sullenly Sunset shook her head. “No, she’s right. That was my plan.”

A heavy silence hung over the room.

At last Twilight said, “Why don’t we start with election cycle for President. We vote every four years.”

Perking up at the change in subject, Sunset asked, “So, anybody can be this President?”

“Pretty much,” responded Applejack.

“Even me?”

Twilight adjusted her glasses. “Technically, no. Not everyone can be President. According to Article II of the Constitution, you must be thirty-five, a resident for fourteen years, and a natural-born US citizen.”

Scribbling down some notes, Sunset paused to think. “I guess I’m not eligible. I’m only fifteen and I’ve only lived here three years.”

“And you’re not a natural born citizen.”

“What does that mean?” asked Applejack.

“Well, there’s not a good definition. Legal scholars believe that you’re born here.”

“Oh.”

“So I could never be President,” sighed Sunset.

“Of course you can,” cheered Pinkie, “all you need to do is use Equestrian magic to brainwash enough people for a constitutional amendment to allow you to run.”

Four angry scowls stared at the over-energetic girl.

Twilight spoke up, “Technically, she’s correct. A constitutional amendment would allow Sunset to run.”

Pinkie smiled.

“I’m sure me becoming President would be the craziest thing to happen,” said Sunset sheepishly.

“Not really. After all, Roman emperor Caligula appointed his horse as government consul as a joke.”

Sunset scowled and crossed her arms defiantly. “Equine rulers are not a joke. Just ask Princess Celestia or Princess Twilight.”

Twilight waved her arms. “Sorry! Sorry! No offense intended.”

Satisfied, Sunset looked down at her notes, “So how does one become this President?”

Twilight smiled, “For that you need a political party.”

WHAAN! Pinkie blew a miniature horn and threw confetti into the air. “Yay! Party!”

“No Pinkie, political party.”

“So, no cake?” Pinkie asked as she held up a decorated cake adorned with intricate swirled frosting.

“No.”

“Pie?” she asked holding up a blueberry pie.

“No.”

Pinkie shoved the pie into Rainbow Dash’s unwilling hands. “Ice cream?”

“No.”

Pinkie handed off an ice cream sundae to Rarity.

“Political parties date back to the 1790s, when the Democratic-Republican Party was established by Thomas Jefferson and the Federalist Party was founded by Alexander Hamilton.”

Pinkie sang, “♪Alexander Hamilton, ♫ His name is – ”

“Pinkie, no singing!” chastised Twilight.

“Ah, you’re no fun. You sound just like Gilda.”

“We’re getting off topic,” said Sunset as she tried to bring the conversation back to the main subject.

“Presidential candidates must be nominated by their political party,” continued Twilight.

“But there’s only two parties, so it’s straightforward,” added Rarity as she took a bite of vanilla ice cream and chocolate fudge.

“Technically, any political party can nominate a presidential candidate,” corrected Twilight. “Thus far, we’ve had five political parties that have elected a President. They are the Democrats, Republicans, Federalists, Unionists, and Whigs.”

“Wigs?” questioned Rainbow. “You mean like those stuffy judges in England?”

“No, Rainbow, Whigs.”

“Wigs?”

“Whigs.”

“Wigs?”

“W – H – I – G – S: Whigs.”

“Silly, that’s not how you spell wig,” said Pinkie.

“No Pinkie, the Whig party was named after the British Whig party which was short for Whiggamore.”

“That’s no fun,” lamented Pinkie.

“I’m equally disappointed,” added Rarity.

“How do you know all this stuff?” asked Rainbow.

Twilight shrugged, “When you’re an outcast at Crystal Prep, you have a lot of time to study obscure topics.”

Looking up from her notes, Sunset asked, “So these political parties just nominate someone?”

Twilight continued, “Nowadays there’s a whole process of primaries that a candidate competes in. The first primary is New Hampshire.”

“Hold up, Twi,” said Applejack, “Ah keep hearin’ ’bout Iowa bein’ first.”

“Technically, Iowa is a caucus.”

Raising her hand, Fluttershy asked, “What does that mean?”

“A primary is binding. A caucus is not.”

“Wait!” cried Rainbow Dash. “Are you telling us that someone can win, and it doesn’t count?”

“Exactly,” confirmed Twilight.

“How is that fair?”

“That’s just the way it works.”

Crossing her arms, Rainbow complained, “So not cool.”

Sunset chewed the end of her pen. “So each state has a primary?”

“And the District of Columbia.”

“But it’s not a state,” pointed out Rainbow Dash.

“They have a primary,” stated Twilight.

“So each state – and the District of Columbia – has a primary?” clarified Sunset.

“And Puerto Rico. And the Virgin Islands. And Guam. And the Northern Mariana Islands. And American Samoa.”

“What the heck are those?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Rubbing her head, Applejack said, “Ah ain’t heard of them either.”

“Me neither,” added Pinkie Pie.

“What are they?” asked Sunset.

“US territories,” answered Twilight.

Setting aside an empty bowl, Rarity said, “Darling, they aren’t even part of the United States.”

“They get to vote in the primaries. But not in the general election.”

“You mean people who won’t ever vote for President can help choose a candidate?” asked Sunset.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“That’s the way it is set up.”

“But that makes no sense!” yelled Rainbow Dash.

“That’s the way it is set up,” responded Twilight calmly.

“Grr,” cringed Rainbow Dash.

“Calm down Rainbow Dash,” said Pinkie Pie soothingly. “Here, have a slice of pie.”

“Grr,” cringed Rainbow Dash.

“So what happens after this – Iowa Caucus? You mentioned New Hampshire,” said Sunset.

“Yes, first up is the New Hampshire Primary.”

Rarity looked confused. “Didn’t they go first last time?”

“Yes.”

“How did that happen?” asked Fluttershy.

“Actually, New Hampshire always goes first. It’s the state law.”

“This New Hampshire must have a lot of people,” observed Sunset.

“Actually, it is one of our least-populous states.”

“Well, it must be really rich or pretty big.”

“No on both accounts. And if another state moves up their primary, New Hampshire will change theirs until they are first again.”

“How is that fair!” cried Rainbow Dash.

“It certainly seems like New Hampshire is like one of those whiny kids who throws a fit if they don’t get their way,” noted Applejack.

“I didn’t write the rules,” explained Twilight.

“But! But! That’s not fair!” continued Rainbow.

“Sorry, that’s just the way it is.”

As Rainbow huffed, Sunset asked, “So, these states – and the District of Columbia – and the territories – all have primaries?”

“Yes. Right now, President Biden and former President Trump look like they’ll win the primaries.”

“Hey, hold on there Twi,” said Applejack. “Wasn’t Trump impeared?”

“Impaired?”

“Yeah, you know. There was a big fuss an’ all when he got impeared.”

“Impaired?... Oh, you mean impeached.”

“Ooh – Ooh.” Pinkie Pie bounced up and down excitedly. “People threw peaches at the President?”

“Wait, is that a thing on this planet?” as Sunset as she scanned her notes.

Twilight shook her head. “No. An impeachment is a political trial. And he was actually impeached twice. But there weren’t enough votes to convict.”

“So, if he had been convicted, there’d be another candidate from his party?”

“Technically, people can run from prison.”

“Seriously?” demanded Rainbow Dash.

“Yes.”

“What the –?”

“Eugene V. Debs ran from prison.”

“Surely no one voted for an inmate,” said Rarity.

“Actually, he got a lot of votes.”

“And don’t call her Shirley!” added Pinkie Pie.

“Seriously? Someone voted for a person in prison?” asked Sunset.

“Yes,” nodded Twilight.

“How does that even happen?” cried Rainbow Dash.

“People can vote for whom they like, or not at all.”

“But that makes no sense!” yelled Rainbow Dash.

“That’s the way it is set up,” responded Twilight calmly.

“Grr,” cringed Rainbow Dash.

“Calm down Rainbow Dash,” said Pinkie Pie. “Here, try this apple pie.”

“Grr,” cringed Rainbow Dash.

“Apple pie?” perked up Applejack.

“So,” summarized Sunset, “the candidates just compete in the primaries until the election?”

“Well,” began Twilight, “once the primaries are over, there’s a big convention. It’s kind of like a big party.”

“Party!” cheered Pinkie as she blew her party horn and released balloons to the ceiling.

“And the winner of the primaries becomes the candidate?” clarified Sunset.

“Technically, no. Just because someone gets the most primary victories, there’s still the chance for a dark horse to emerge.”

“Dark horse? So Equestrians can run for President?”

“No. A dark horse is a term for a candidate who comes out of nowhere to win.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” interrupted Rainbow Dash as she jumped to her feet. “So someone who didn’t win can still become the candidate? But that makes no sense!”

“That’s the way it is set up,” responded Twilight calmly.

“Grr,” cringed Rainbow Dash.

“So, the convention candidate, dark horse or not, just competes against the other candidates in the election?” asked Sunset.

“Well, there are the debates,” replied Rarity.

“Technically, there don’t have to be debates,” corrected Twilight.

“No?” asked Rarity.

“Both candidates have to agree to debate. There’s no set number of debates or format.”

“Wait.” Sunset scanned her notes. “You said both candidates. But I thought there were many people who can run for President.”

“Yes. But the two major political parties work together to exclude other candidates.”

“But that’s not fair!” protested Rainbow.

“Yeah,” agreed Applejack, “even a blind woman can see it’s a might unfair.”

“Sorry, that’s just the way it is. It’s really a two-party system.”

“So they just compete and then there’s an election?” asked Sunset.

“Yeah, it’s in November,” explained Applejack.

“Technically, federal elections are held the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November... in even number years.”

“That seems a might specific.”

Twilight shrugged, “I didn’t make up the rules. But there’s also mail-in ballots and many states have early voting.”

“So,” summarized Sunset, “only eligible people can run for their party’s nomination. The states – and for some reason territories and the District of Columbia – hold their primaries with New Hampshire going first, even though Iowa goes first but doesn’t count. If a candidate wins, they may or may not debate the other major candidate while excluding others, then people vote and the winner becomes the President?”

“Not exactly.”

“Oh come on!” cried Rainbow Dash.

“Well, let’s talk about how people vote for President.”

Sunset asked, “What do you mean, Twilight. The person who gets the most votes wins. It’s essentially a big popularity contest. That’s how it works in a democracy, right?”

“Usually yes. But technically, no.”

“I’m confused,” admitted Fluttershy.

Applejack nodded, “As am Ah.”

Twilight sighed, “It all comes down to the Electoral College.”

“What do a bunch of electricians in school have to do with the election?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“No, not Electrician College – Electoral College.”

“Oh... I don’t get it.”

“People vote for state electors who then vote for President.”

Sunset scratched her head, “Why vote for people who will actually do the voting? Why not vote for the President directly?”

“Well, back when our country was founded, it was felt that the masses were too uneducated to choose the right candidate, so the electors were supposed to choose for the people.”

“But that’s not true anymore, America has a great public education system.”

The human girls rolled their eyes but refrained from commenting.

“So,” continued Twilight, “the President is indirectly elected.”

“So each elector gets to vote for the person that they believe is the best?”

“Technically... no.”

“No?” echoed many of the girls.

“It’s a winner-take-all system. Whomever wins a state gets all the state’s electors.”

“Wait,” said Applejack. “You’re telling me that even if someone wins a state by a vote – a single vote – they get all the electors for that state?”

“Technically, no.”

Applejack sighed in relief.

“That’s only true in forty-eight states. Nebraska and Maine are proportional.”

“Oh come on!” cried Rainbow Dash.

Scribbling down notes, Sunset Shimmer asked, “But the number of electors each state gets is proportional to its population?”

“Not exactly. It’s their representation in Congress. So it’s the number of House members – which is proportional – plus their Senators – of which each state has two.”

“So voting isn’t a – what’s the phrase – one man, one vote?”

Twilight confirmed, “Some votes count more than others.”

“That’s not fair!” shouted Rainbow Dash.

“Sorry, that’s just the way it is.”

“But at least whoever gets the most votes from voters will eventually get enough electors to become President,” added Sunset.

“Technically, no.”

“What?” exclaimed most of the girls.

“A person can who gets the most votes can lose in the Electoral College.”

“But that’s never happened, right?” asked a hopeful Fluttershy.

“Five times.”

“Not recently, though?” pressed Rarity.

“The last one was in 2016.”

“What?” cried Sunset Shimmer.

“That’s not fair!” shouted Rainbow Dash again.

“I didn’t make up the rules.”

“So,” continued Sunset, “whomever gets the most votes in the Electoral College wins, right?”

“Technically, no.”

“Really?” groaned Applejack.

“A candidate must get a majority – or 270 votes.”

“But a candidate always gets a majority?” asked Sunset, almost pleading.

“No. We’ve had two elections that a majority wasn’t achieved.”

“Then it goes to the Supreme Court?” asked Applejack.

“No, then the top three candidates will compete in the House of Representatives.”

“And each House member gets a vote?”

“No. Each state gets a single vote.”

“Wait,” said Sunset Shimmer. “So each state gets a vote. But don’t some states have more people than others?”

“Yes, each state is equal. California, which has forty million people, carries the same weight as Wyoming, which has six hundred thousand.”

“But that’s not fair!” shouted Rainbow Dash yet again.

“If you don’t like it, change the Constitution.”

“Please tell me there’s nothing else,” pleaded Sunset.

Twilight thought for a moment. “No, that’s pretty much the election of our President.”

Sunset Shimmer studied her copious notes.

“I hope that helps.”

“Yeah, it does.”

“Really?” asked several of the girls surprised.

“Yeah. I have a newfound appreciation of Equestria. It’s so much better. No political parties. No primaries. No elections. No Electoral College. We’ve had the same two princesses ruling for over a thousand years.”

“That does sound better,” agreed Twilight.

Author's Note

Quick poll: Who wants Princess Celestia to be the leader of the United States? In all seriousness, the other day, I realized that US elections are... confusing to say the least. What better way to illustrate this than by writing a story pointing out how crazy our elections are? Discord would be so proud!

Be sure to check out my other new story, Mysterious Island.

Dreadnought

Election Eve

Seven girls exited the front door of Canterlot High into the crisp, cold air of a fall evening.

"Ah can't believe it's finally time for the election," said Applejack.

"Yes, darling, this election season seems to have lasted far longer than desirable," responded Rarity.

"Kind of makes me miss Equestria, where we only have changes of power every thousand years or so," said Sunset Shimmer.

"Well I, for one," noted Twilight, "think this has been a most fascinating election cycle... a former US President attempting to be re-elected to a nonconsecutive term... the sitting President dropping out of the race after the first debate... a Vice-President becoming the nominee without any nomination process... two attempted assassinations... and a race too close to call."

A silence fell over the girls.

At last, Rainbow Dash finally said, "Sunset?"

"Yes?"

"Can Discord come through that portal?"

Author's Note

Well, how could I not make an addition to my story? So much has happened!

I encourage everyone who can vote to vote - regardless of which candidate they support. Voting is essential to the democratic process!

Dreadnought

Election Day

Six girls huddled in Pinkie Pie's bedroom.

"So let me get this straight, sugarcube," said Applejack as she fixed Twilight with a hard stare, "the integral of e to the x is e to the x?"

"Plus the constant."

"And the derivative of e to the x is e to the x?"

"Exactly."

Pinkie Pie blew a noisemaker in celebration.

"Whoo boy, Twilight, Ah don't know how Ah let you talk me into taking calculus."

"You got this," reassured her friend.

"Well, one thing's for sure," said Rainbow Dash as she ran her hand through her prismatic hair.

"What's that, darling?" prompted Rarity.

"Sunset Shimmer has this down pat. Otherwise she'd be here studying with us."

"Where is she?" asked Fluttershy.

"She said she had some errands to run," said Twilight.

As if on cue, the door swung open and Sunset Shimmer strolled into the room.

"You're here!" cried Pinkie Pie.

"I wanted to study for the test with my best friends. After all, calculus isn't something we're taught in Equestria," she said, sitting down next to Twilight and taking off her jacket.

The bespectacled girl examined her friend. Her eyes suddenly went wide. "What's that!"

Looking down at her shirt, Sunset Shimmer said, "What?"

Pointing at the sticker on her shirt, Twilight read, "I voted today."

Sunset shrugged. "They gave it to me after I voted."

"But - but - but, you can't vote."

"I can't?"

"You're not a citizen!"

"Oh." She shrugged, "It never came up."

Twilight began, well, twilighting. "You could get in so much trouble! You broke the law! You could go to jail! Wait, are we accessories? Can we go to jail!?" She began to hyperventilate and her glasses slipped to the tip of her nose.

"Twilight, darling, breathe."

As Twilight took deep calming breaths, Sunset said, "Would it make you feel better if I told you that I voted for - " she leaned in and whispered into Twilight's ear.

Twilight's eyes widened and she stopped hyperventilating. She slowly pushed her glasses back up on her face. "Well.... I suppose we could overlook it, just this once."

Author's Note

Today, Election 2024 ends. Tomorrow, Election 2028 begins!

Dreadnought