Shiny's Spectacular Sales Pitch
Shiny Wares, Salesmare Extraordinaire!
You are Anon. And you are enjoying your day off by not doing a goddamn thing. No work. No monster attacks. No sexist po-*clopclopclop*
Goddammit.
Answering the door, you see a pony you've never seen. She's a seafoam green Earth pony with a curly, pale yellow mane; it reminded you of an 80's-style perm from Earth. She's also wearing a white blouse with a cheap-looking, brown pinstripe suit jacket atop it. You try to glance at her cutie mark, but your view is blocked by a very large briefcase she's carrying on her back.
"Hello there Sir! May I speak to the mare of the house?"
"Excuse me?"
"Or the mares of the house, if more than one is home." She clarified, giving you a practiced grin. The balls on this bitch.
"It's just me." You cross your arms indignantly.
"Oh, your mares aren't home? No worries, I'll come back another time."
"I meant, I have no mares. I'm the only one who lives here." You inform her. These pones and their goddamn reverse sexism. Upon hearing this, the mare's smile goes from one of professional friendliness to one of sleazy interest
"Oh, you...have no mares? Then I suppose that I can do business with you!"
"My name is Shiny Wares, and I have the deal of a lifetime that I would love to share with you! Might I come in to discuss it with you?"
Ah, a door-to-door salesman. Er, salespony? Salesmare? Salesmare.
You kind of want to just tell her to fuck off and go back to your very busy day. But this is a rare opportunity. You never had the chance to fuck with a salesperson in such a way. The chance to perfectly waste someone else's time.
"Oh, the deal of a lifetime? Well, I just have to hear about this! Please, come in." You smile your most innocent smile as you let the mare in, taking the opportunity to sneak a peek at her flank as she passed you. Her cutie mark seemed to depict an open briefcase with a golden light being emitted from inside it. When you get to the living room, she was sitting on your couch with her bag open and ready beside her. You also couldn't help but notice a few buttons of her blouse have now been undone, revealing the top half of her chest tuft. You take your place in the easy chair adjacent to the couch.
"First, I'd like to tell you what a lovely home you have, Mr..."
"Thank you, and you can call me Anon."
"Anon! A lovely name for a lovely stallion. As I was saying, I have the deal of a lifetime. Tell me, Mr. Anon, do you cook?"
"Yes, yes I do. I'd like to think I'm quite a good cook actually, but..." You had to look away, not just for effect, but also to hide your smirk. "It's such a shame that I have nobody to cook for." You followed up with a dramatically forlorn sigh. It was barely over a breath but you could hear a whispered "Buck yeah." Turning back, Shiny has her chest a bit more puffed out.
"Well, in that case, Mr.Anon, let me ask you this: Have yo-" You loudly interrupt her with an excessively shocked gasp, making her recoil in surprise.
"My goodness, that reminds me, I haven't even offered you a drink! What a terrible host I am! Would you care for anything, Ms.Wares?"
"O-oh, uh, I suppose I wouldn't mind a drink. What do you have?" Shiny answers, a bit shaken from the sudden outburst.
"Oh, well, let's see. I have tea, coffee, beer, milk-"
"Beer?" Shiny asks skeptically.
"Beer it is! I'll be back with that in a minute, Sweetie!" You say cheerfully as you make your way to the kitchen.
"S-sweetie..?"
You open the fridge and start searching through your various beers, liquors, and spirits. It's kind of a lot, now that you're looking at it. Before you can get too distracted by the unlikely possibility of you having a drinking problem, you find what you're looking for. Non-alcoholic Seaquestrian Kelp IPA, a daily reminder to never invite Twilight to another party. You walk back into the living room but Shiny hasn't noticed. She's preoccupied with trying to hide her blushing while muttering to herself.
You smack the bottle down on the coffee table; your seemingly sudden reappearance causes Shiny to yelp in surprise.
"There you are, Ms. Wares! One ice-cold beer!" You announce as you take your seat and give her a patient smile. Shiny clears her throat.
"Thank you, Mr. Anon. You're too kind." She regains her composure before bringing the drink to her lips. As she tries to hide the grimace from the less-than-stellar beverage, you have to try to hide the shit-eating grin trying to worm its way onto your face.
"I hope it's to your liking, Ms. Wares. I know it's a little different than what marely mares like yourself might drink, but other drinks are a little too strong for a colt like myself." The mare sputters trying to choke down the offending liquid.
"I-it's nas-GREAT! Delicious, even. You have excellent taste, Mr. Anon." She chuckles nervously as she sets the bottle back on the coffee table and carefully pushes it away from her.
"Oh, you flatterer, you!" You say with a giggle and a dismissive wave. Christ, you can smell that damned thing from here. You'll have to remember to toss the rest of those after this. Preferably at Twilight.
"A-as I was saying, let me ask you another question, Mr.Anon. How much time do you spend cutting various fruits and vegetables?"
"Why, I'm not too sure. I suppose that takes up a good chunk of time when cooking."
"That it does, sir. That is why the brainiacs at Rich Labs have whipped up this little miracle." Shiny reaches into her bag and pulls out...
No fucking way.
You almost drop the entire shtick when you realize what you're looking at. It's...a Slap Chop. It's got wood and metal in place of the plastic of the original, but there's no denying it. That is a motherfucking Slap Chop. Shiny smirks at seeing the shock on your face. "Mr. Anon, allow me to present to you, the ClopChop."
"Th-the what?" You ask, still taken aback.
"The ClopChop, Mr. Anon. The newest innovation in cutting technology."
"This little gadget will chop your cooking time in half. Allow me to demonstrate." Shiny reaches into her bag and pulls out two cutting boards, a kitchen knife, and various foodstuffs, setting it all up on the coffee table.
"Mr. Anon, would you be so kind as to aid me in my demonstration?"
"Um, certainly. I'll help any way I can."
"Would you please chop this carrot?" Shiny slides a cutting board over to you, along with a carrot and knife. You deftly pick the knife up, giving it a quick once over. Time to see if binging Hell's Kitchen back home paid off. With a deep breath, you make quick work of the root vegetable, leaving a pile of orange half-circles in its place.
"How's that, Ms. Wares?" You look back at her to see a very dumbfounded mare. "Ms. Wares?" You ask again, snapping your fingers in her face to shake her out of her stupor.
"Uhum, you, heh..." She brought a hoof to her head in disbelief. "Y-you're quite skilled with a knife, Mr. Anon. Quite skilled..."
"Oh, you're gonna make me blush! But I guess you're right, I have always been good with my hands." As if to prove your point, you hold up your hands and waggle your fingers around. Shiny's eyes are entirely focused on your fingers and you can faintly hear her gulp. "But enough about me. Shall we continue with the demonstration, Ms. Wares?"
"The wha-OH, yes! The demonstration! Of the product. That I sell. Eheh..." Shiny fanned herself a bit with her hoof, "Right..." Oh yeah, you've got her wrapped around your pinky. "W-well, as good as your hands may be, this baby is even better." Shiny Wares sets up her own cutting board with chunks of carrot just small enough to fit inside the SlapCh-I mean, ClopChop. "Now, watch closely." Shiny places the ClopChop over the carrots and gives the plunger one swift clop. With her hoof, I mean. She lifts the device to reveal that the carrot chunks have now been cut roughly half their original size. You make sure to cover your mouth and gasp with the appropriate amount of awe.
"That was so quick! Why, that was almost like magic!"
Shiny chuckled mirthfully, "Not magic, Mr. Anon, just quality materials and the utmost craftsmareship."
"Now watch what happens when we use the ClopChop a second time." Shiny replaces the gizmo over the chopped carrots and gives it another clop. Lifting it now reveals the carrots have been chopped further. How unexpected.
"Well look at that. You've done twice the work in half the time!" You suavely place a hand atop Shiny's hoof on the ClopChop and give it a gentle squeeze. "You really are something, Ms. Wares." You say softly, looking deep into her eyes. Your gaze and sudden physical contact enthrall Shiny too much to notice you slowly applying pressure on her hoof, forcing the blade of the ClopChop to get stuck in the cutting board. You slip your hand back into your lap, breaking eye contact and looking away to hide a nonexistent blush. Shiny hastily clears her throat and turns her attention back to her demonstration. Upon trying to lift the ClopChop, Shiny realizes that it's stuck and begins to try to separate the two objects.
"Is something wrong, Ms. Wares?" Your voice dripping with false innocence.
"N-no, Mr. Anon, just seems like-" Shiny quietly grunts as she doubles her efforts, "Seems like the blade is even sharper than I thought! Heheh..." With one final tug, the ClopChop is freed from the cutting board, launching it and its contents in every direction. Some airborne thing rams into the abandoned drink from earlier, sending low-quality booze alternative all over you. In a mere moment, you go from perfectly dry to soaked and stinking, with chopped carrot all over your living room. Shiny gasps in panic, "M-Mr. Anon, I am so, so sorry! I-I-I didn't mean to, it j-just slipped!"
"Oh, don't worry your pretty little head, Ms. Wares! Accidents happen." You say with a giggle. "Why don't I put on some clean clothes while you tidy up a little in here, does that sound good, Sweetie?" You stand and head to your bedroom before she has a chance to respond.
Definitely wasn't your intention when bungling her sales pitch, but maybe that's a good thing. You can use this. Now if only could find-There it is! You smile as you hold out a baby blue crop top. Well, no, not technically a crop top. To be completely honest, it's your attempt at making your own shirt after hearing Rarity's pricing for custom clothing. Needless to say, you now see her every few months for clothes. At least she gives you a discount if you let her "retake measurements". Suppressing a disgusted shudder, you dig around in one of your dresser drawers to pull out some jorts. Normally your fishing attire, they should work well enough for this purpose. You examine your new outfit from all angles in your full-length mirror, smirking with pride at how it tastelessly exposed you. If only /fa/ could see you now.
Heading back into the living room, you see that it's been cleared of the mess, along with everything Shiny had brought with her. The mare standing next to the front door, bag on her back and shameful regret across her face. She stares dejectedly at the carpet.
"Oh, what's this? Don't tell me you're leaving already." You pout. Shiny looks up at you at the sound of your voice, eyes widening to fully drink in your new appearance. As she slowly eyes you up and down, you notice her gaze lingers on your now-exposed legs. She tears her eyes away from your barely clothed self, a blush flaring on her cheeks.
"I-I'm terribly sorry for wasting your time, Mr. Anon, and for making a mess. I'll just be on my way and won't bother you any further." She explains, her eyes darting between looking away and peeking at your nearly bare form.
"Oh, Sweetie, there's no need to do that. Here, follow me." You grab her bag off her back and, despite her protests, carry it back next to the couch. You sit down on the couch and pat the seat next to you. Shiny Wares, with a few moments of hesitation, cautiously approached and sat on the other end of the couch. You scooted over to be right next to her, trapping the nervous mare between the armrest and your body.
"Now, Shiny," You start, reaching up to brush a curly lock of hair behind her ear. "I'm not upset about the mess."
"Y-you're not?" Shiny asks in disbelief. "But any stallion would be upset with a strange mare making a mess of his home."
"Well, that's true." You start gingerly stroking her hair. "But you're not some strange mare. And I know you're not to blame."
"I'm not?"
"Of course not, your job's to blame. I think it's stressing you out. Do you feel stressed, Ms. Wares?"
"I-I, uh..." Shiny loudly swallows. "I suppose I do, Mr. Anon."
"Aw, you poor thing." You coo, your hand gliding down to rub her withers sympathetically. "How can anyone expect a mare to work so hard without any sort of...relief?" Your other hand snakes over to her thigh to give it a firm yet gentle squeeze. At this point, Shiny's face is beet red, and her breathing is shaky. You can even feel her shaking some. "If you'd like, I might be able to help provide some..." You lean in close, your lips mere centimeters from her ear. In the huskiest moan you can muster, you let out "Relief~"
"M-M-Mr.Anon I-" You shush Shiny with a finger to her lips.
"Don't worry Sweetie, just relax~" You whisper in Shiny's ear as your hands move to her shoulders, beginning to give her a massage. You can feel Shiny practically melt in your hands, letting out a pleased sigh.
"Y-you really ARE good with your hands, Mr. Anon..."
"Oh, thank you, but you can just call me Anon, Sweetie."
"Ok..." Shiny said contently. As the massage went on, Shiny started to lean into you, her eyes slowly closing. After a minute or two of Shiny savoring the massage by nuzzling into your chest, you swiftly stood up, allowing her to fall sideways onto the couch with a *pomf*.
"There we go! Feeling better, Ms.Wares?" You ask giddily.
"Huh? What? Where?" Shiny sits up, snapping back to reality
"Are you relieved now, Ms.Wares?"
"I-I..." Shiny rubbed her temples with a shake of her head. "Yeah..?"
"Good. I'm glad I could help." You say as you return to your spot on the armchair.
"Yeah, thanks..." Shiny stared at the coffee table, eyes darting side-to-side as if searching for something. Waves of confusion rolled over her face as the silence between the two of you grew louder. After a few moments, Shiny slowly looked over at you. "Mm...Anon, may I ask you a question?"
"You just did!" you giggle.
"Right, I guess I did..." Shiny says with a dull chuckle.
"Oh, I'm just messing with you, Sweetie! Ask away."
"Well..." Shiny scratches the back of her head, "I'm sorry if this is a little blunt but..." Shiny shut her eyes and took a deep breath before looking you in the eye. "Are you coming on to me?"
"Whatever do you mean, Ms.Wares?" You ask with a tilt of your head.
"W-well, not to presume but, you've been quite...forward." You continued to act silently confused, prompting her to continue. "You've been calling me Sweetie, and touching me, and then there's..." She gestured to your person "That."
"Not to say I don't like it, I do! I really do! You've been so nice, and understanding, and warm..."
"I just...Well, I know it's unprofessional of me but I just wanna be sure that I'm not misinterpreting anything." Shiny finishes, watching your reaction with nervous expectation. You put on a look of astonishment with a dash of offense.
"Ms.Wares, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but it was never my intent to make you think I was attracted to you."
"In any way." You added. She opened and closed her mouth several times before finally looking down at the carpet.
"Alright, umm, I appreciate your...honesty. I'm...I'll see myself out."
"I think that might be best, Ms. Shiny Wares." You said stoically. She nodded in acknowledgment as she got down from her seat and swung her bag back onto her spine. Walking to the exit, she hung her head low. A few moments after she was out of sight, you heard the opening and closing of your front door.
As soon as you were sure that she wasn't going to march back in to perform some cathartic speech, you were quick to burst out into a boisterous belly laugh.
"Jesus Christ on a crosswalk!" You exclaimed between guffaws. "That was fucking AWESOME!"
"Oh man, what a fucking performance!" You continued to praise yourself as you made your way to your fridge. You pulled out what passed for gin in this godforsaken town and poured yourself a glass. "God, I bet I could've gone even further!"
"I wonder if I could've fingered her and still made her think I didn't mean anything by it." You sip your drink as you head back into the living room. "Mmm, maybe. I dunno. Still got 'er good though," Another swig of the clear liquor. "Probably should've tried to get one of those SlapChops. Bet I could've made her give it to me for free too."
Be Shiny Wares. Trying to drown your sorrows at the local bar, The Beer Trough. Trying being the operative word there. You were about four ciders deep already, but you still felt the same. Worse, actually. Drinking probably isn't helping, to be completely honest. You consider trying a different tactic next time as you swallow down the last of your current pint.
As you stare at your reflection in the bottom of your now empty glass, you're too preoccupied to notice the sound of somepony sitting down on the stool next to you.
"Hey." You turn your head to your left and see none other than your fellow salesmare, Cheap Goods; a deep blue unicorn with a turquoise mane. Also the closest thing you've had to a friend since you moved here. She's giving you this sort of crooked grin, but you can see a hint of concern in her pine-green eyes.
"Hey." You return your gaze to your empty glass.
"No sales today, huh?" She asks as she waves down the barkeep.
"Beat my quota, actually." You corrected.
"Well, there's something to drink to." She turned her attention to the barmare. "Gimme a whiskey on the rocks, and get my bud here another of whatever they're drinkin'." You turn your attention to your friend as the barmare takes your glass.
"You don't gotta do that, mare."
"No no, it's my treat. Besides, you uh," her usual air of positivity was replaced by a creeping worry. "Ya look like you need it." You snort derisively with a shake of your head.
"Thanks, mare. You're a swell gal."
"Well, don't go tellin' nopony else that. I got a reputation to keep, y'know." You chuckle at her words despite how much you don't want to. She always could get a laugh out of you. The barmare returns with your respective drinks, the two of you taking a sip before sitting in uncomfortable silence for a moment. "You, um," Goods scratched the back of her head before continuing, "Ya wanna, I dunno, talk about it or somethin'?" You gave her a dubious look.
"You grow a pair of balls since yesterday? You wanna trade hay'n'cheese recipes too?" Goods gave you an annoyed look with a shake of her head.
"Mare, quit bein' a buckin' pussy. I know it makes me sound like a bastard. But Tartarus, I ain't never seen you so depressed. I'm just tryin' to be a good friend."
"Oh, well have mercy upon me, dear princess. Forgot I couldn't be less than bucking jovial around you."
"You Sundamn-" Goods shook her head in disapproval before turning her attention back to her drink. "Fine then." You turn back to your drink to enjoy your buzz in peace...
That was mean...you probably shouldn't have said that. You take a gulp of cider before letting out a resigned sigh.
"Look, I...You're right, I'm...I'm not doing too good right now." You admit.
"Well, how come? You already said you beat your quota for the week, so that can't be it."
"No, it's not that. It's, um," You try to think of a way to say this without sounding too colty. "You ever...What the hay is wrong with stallions?" Goods deadpans you before bursting into laughter. Bitch.
"Aw, mare, colt trouble?!" Goods lets out a few more guffaws at your expense. "Geez, I thought your Papa died or somethin'!" When she sees your unamused expression, she calms herself from sidesplitting laughter down to amused giggling. "Come on, don't gimme that look. Ya gotta admit, you're mopin' a little much for gettin' shot down."
"I didn't get 'shot down', Goods. I..." How do you even start to explain this? "I was...Look, here's what happened..."
-=-=-=-=-
"After that, I just left. And now I'm here...drinking." Half an hour and the rest of your cider later, you've finished recounting your day to Cheap Goods. After a few moments, you realized that Goods still hadn't said anything in response. You look up from your drink to her face to see it contorted something terrible. You think she's feeling something you really didn't want her to feel. You think it's...pity...
You quickly turn away, unable to stand looking at her. "D-don't...Don't bucking look at me like that..." You mumble
"Shiny, I...I'm sorry..." You feel her gently place a hoof on your shoulder "I shoulda warned you."
What? You snap back to look at Goods and take a better look at her face. You were wrong, it wasn't pity, it was...
Shame?
"What do you mean?" You ask, utterly baffled
"Look, you're not exactly the uh, his first, you could say. Anon is..." Goods' face twists in concentration as she arranges her thoughts. "Anon is a, unique, stallion. He's got what my Mama woulda called 'terminal whimsy'."
"Terminal whimsy?" You raise a brow
"That's right, terminal whimsy. Now he's got whimsy, like any good colt should, but he's got a little much. A little too much."
"I don't...I don't follow..." Whew lass, that last cider is starting to hit. You put both hooves on the bar to steady yourself some.
"Well, all stallions have plenty o' whimsy. It'd be nice if they didn't, but maybe that's just me. And we both know that sometimes that whimsy just drives ya crazy, in more ways than one." Goods chuckles at her insinuation and spins around on her stool to look out at the various bargoers. A few groups laughing and talking amongst themselves, plenty of clearly single mares hoping to find a stallion, and a few who have given up on that hope. You notice that there seems to be more bottles behind the bar than before. That's odd.
"But most stallions know when to ease up on the whimsy. Most. That Anon fella, well..." Goods leans back against the bar and levitates her glass to her lips, taking a satisfied sip. "I dunno if he don't know how or he just don't wanna, but he don't ever turn it off. 'S like he...gets a kick outta doin' it or somethin'."
Yeah...yeah, you bet he does! He WAS bucking with you! That bastard!
"But, I guess what I'm sayin' is...I shoulda let you know what t' expect from that colt. You ain't been here long enough t' know, and we salesmares gotta stick together. Right?"
Who does that...that WHORSE think he is?! As you were replaying the day in your mind, you felt your heart rate quicken. You began to breathe more rapidly and deeper, rage coming to a boil within you. Cheap Goods returns her attention to you, seeing your worked-up state.
"Hey Shiny, you uh, ya feelin' alright?" Goods asked cautiously. "You're lookin' a little...riled up." You spin in your stool to face her, having to hold onto the bar to keep from the momentum throwing you off.
"Yer right, Goods. He was just BUCKING with me!" You inform her just a bit too loudly
"Wuh? No, Shiny, that's not-"
"He was bucking with me, 'n' flirting, 'n' he was tryin' t' embarrass me!" You slurred
"Sweet Sun above, you're way too hammered. How many ciders you had tonight?" You scrunch your muzzle as you attempt to recall the previous hours.
"Three...four? I dunno, math's for dykes." You answer
"Sundamn, forgot what a featherweight you were." After downing the rest of her drink, Cheap Goods hops off her stool and digs some bits out of a pair of saddlebags on the floor you hadn't noticed before. She levitated them onto her back after placing enough money on the counter to pay for both your drinks. "Come on now, let's get ya home." Goods said, nodding her head toward the bar's entrance. Your unfocused gaze moves between the doors and the expectant mare. Your muzzle scrunches once more.
"No."
"No?" Goods repeats dubiously
"Yep. No. Yer gunna go back to yer herd, 'n' I'm gunna give that...that son of a whorse a piece o' my mind!" You exclaim, shaking a hoof ruefully. Your hoofwaving quickly leads to you losing balance and falling flat onto the hardwood floor directly in front of Goods. Goods simply shakes her head in disappointment.
"No, yer not. Yer gonna let me take you home, drink three glasses o' water, then yer gonna go t' sleep." Goods orders as she helps you to your hooves.
"Buh...Cheap, Goody, CG..." You lazily hug Goods to your side by the withers, "I gotta...My pride, Goody...I needa go back...teach that cunttease a buckin' lesson..."
"Shiny, no. We both know that's a bad idea. And don't call me Goody." Goods starts to guide you to the exit
"No, Goody, no...'S a good idea cuz..." You lean in and loudly whisper in Goods' ear, "I...I can fix him..." Goods chuckled wryly upon hearing that.
"You're even drunker than I thought." She muttered as the two of you stepped out of the bar.
The sun had been low in the sky when you had gone in and it was stars out now. It was cool with a gentle breeze, a welcome contrast to the earlier heat of the day. What hadn't changed was the absence of clouds from earlier, letting the two of you take in the starry night in all its splendor. Princess Luna did pretty good tonight. As the two of you once again began to walk, Goods spoke up.
"Wares, I want you t' listen t' me." Woah, she used your last name. Must mean business. You dedicate whatever brainpower you have left that isn't needed to not trip over your own hooves in order to pay attention to Goods. "Now I don't know if you'll remember what I have t' say, but I'll say it anyway. Ya can't fix 'im."
"Buh what if...I jus' shove his face in muh tuft..?"
"No. Bad pony." You hang your head, ears folding back in shame "I hope ya don't talk like that round yer Papa. Now back to what I was sayin'. Ya can't fix 'im. Nopony can." Goods stops walking and makes you look her in the eyes. "Now, I don't wanna wake up tomorrow and open up the paper just t' see you've gone and done somethin'...unsavory." Goods pleaded, her features briefly drooping in displeasure with that final word. "Ya hear?" Goods' green eyes glare pleadingly into your own. They're kinda pretty up close. N-No homo... Oh mare, she's still waiting for an answer. You nod quickly, feeling a twinge of nausea from moving your head that much. Her stare darts around your face for a moment before she gives a curt nod.
"Well, alright then." With that dealt with, the two of you resumed your trek back home. You soon reached your modest home, saying your goodbyes and thanks to Cheap Goods before entering. You take a short scan of your humble abode
With few furnishings and even fewer decorations, it was clear to anyone who entered that you were still settling into your new home. Your assessment of what little you have is interrupted by a yawn and a wave of fatigue washing over you. You stumble down the hall to your bedroom and flop onto your mattress, not bothering to take off your clothes. While trying to let the soft embrace of slumber grip you, your thoughts meander back to your time with Anon. How he spoke to you, how he touched you, how it felt to be that close to a stallion again. It's been a while, hasn't it?
You try to stoke that anger from before, but it seems to have been extinguished by something else. A sort of...sadness? Or maybe it's a different kind of anger? You're not too sure. As your thoughts of Anon's behavior and your own emotions swirl around one another, you don't even notice when you finally pass out.