You know what it's about, so let's get on with it shall we?
“Twi, can I borrow your horn please?”
“Huh?” Twilight was busy at that specific time sipping herbal tea (the true brew of choice for budding intellectuals) and studying her latest Friendship Speech ‘masterpiece’ (guaranteed to have them snoozing in the aisles), so she thought she must’ve misheard her number one assistant upon his approach. “Sorry Spike, my mind was elsewhere. I thought you just said…”
“Can I borrow your horn please, Twilight?” Spike repeated his question word-for-word, but added a sheepish grin and the alicorn’s full first name for emotional emphasis.
“That’s what I thought you said, but then I concluded I must’ve imagined it. First of all, is this some kind of surreal joke?”
“Sure, I’m ‘real’ Twi! And I really want you to lend me your horn! Or I wouldn’t be begging so much, and saying ‘please’ a lot now, would I?” Spike was being uncommonly serious for a change, and seemed most offended that his honest request might be misconstrued as some kind of elaborate gag.
“...Okay then. My follow-up question then would be; what on Equestria would you use it for?” Twilight was still nonplussed by Spike’s current intentions, but nonetheless decided to play along for now.
“Oh you know, the usual. Zap some random stuff, take it for a walk, maybe play at being you, my favourite role model, for a bit.” Spike’s reply seemed innocent enough, but the mischievous glint in his eye may have suggested to the wary he had something else up his metaphorical sleeve.
“Very flattering, I’m sure. But why not ‘borrow’ Rarity’s instead? Or Trixie’s? Or… one of the hundreds of other horns located around Ponyville that don’t belong to royalty?”
“Because you know what I’m like around Rarity… I’ll turn into a pool of goo the second I’m in her glorious presence! Also, I need a horn that actually works, and from what I’ve seen of Trixie’s ‘shows’… Nah. Besides, I don’t want one of those puny unicorn horns; I need a strong, powerful one… an alicorn horn, in other words. And it just so happens that I’m lucky enough to know the most magical, the most talented, the most generous Princess in the entire…”
“Oh knock it off Spike, you know your shameless flattery tricks never work on me.” Despite her protestations to the contrary, a light purple blush could be seen decorating the side of Twilight’s cheeks. “Anyway, don’t you think this silly game has gone on long enough? I mean, what do you expect me to do… just remove my horn manually and hoof it over to you for the whole afternoon? Not possible, I’m afraid. So I’m afraid you’re going to have to be shorn of a horn for the foreseeable future. Well, aside from that cute pair of nubs you have already. ‘Be grateful for what you’ve got’, that’s what my mother… sorry, our mother always used to teach us. ”
Spike self-consciously gave his tiny aforementioned head adornments a little squeeze, before turning back to Twilight with a visible frown. “Way to rub in how inferior I am! I come to you with a simple, honest request, from someone who’s known you more than anypony else in this town, who’s stood by you through thick and thin whatever the life-threatening, scale-tearing, tail-stomping circumstances, who cooks, cleans and listens to your ten-hour bore-a-thon lectures for ‘pleasure’; and this is the thanks you give me?! Why, I’ve got a good mind to hand in my notice right now…”
“Spike, don’t you think you’re laying it on a bit thick?”
“Is it working?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
And the story might’ve ended there, with Spike trudging off in abject defeat to his dog-eared comic books and shattered dragon dreams, if Twilight hadn’t added a slight rejoinder as he slowly retreated to remind us all that underneath that overgrown egghead did lurk shreds of a sense of humour.
“Tell you what Spike. If you can retrieve my horn off the top of my head yourself, not only will I let you have it for the rest of the day, you can even sleep with it tonight. How does that take your fancy?”
“What? Really?! Woo Hoo!! Thanks Twi! I knew you wouldn’t let me down!” Apparently, Spike’s relationship with Twilight had been mended to the extent that the dragon gave her the most almighty of Special Little Guy hugs…
… And before the alicorn knew just what the hay was going on, the joyful dragon had leapt onto her worktop, triple-somersaulted off like a trained acrobat to land pitch-perfect on her snout…
…Before, swiftly and painlessly, unscrewing Twilight’s horn away from her muzzle like someone gently uncorking the top of a bottle of cider. It all happened so quickly, the bemused alicorn didn’t even have time to process the daring heist before Spike proudly ran outside with his new prize held aloft, whooping joyfully all the way.
“Hmm. I didn’t know it could do that…” Twilight stated factually in a calm voice, before returning to her all-too-important studies and hot steaming beverage.
“What’s got him so excited?” Starlight Glimmer rolled in at that exact moment, slightly perplexed at the indistinguishable purple and green blur dashing past her. “Anyway Twilight, I just wanted to ask you if you’d seen… oh my gosh your horn!”
“Hmm? Yes Starlight, of course I’ve ‘seen my horn’. It’s just headed out the front door thataway, proceeding at a rate of roughly ten miles per hour. But don’t worry, it’ll be back later…”
“Oh my. Oh my… I-I’ve never seen an alicorn, a unicorn or indeed any kind of ‘corn’ without horns before. Wait, does corn have horns too? No wonder it always looks so sharp, just sitting there in that field all day… waving, waving… you know what, I think I’m gonna have a little nap on this floor. Ciao, Twilight. Zzzzzz.”
“Huh. What a big baby.” Twilight briefly glanced at her spread-eagle student passed out blissfully on the crystalline castle floor, before returning to her notes. “I see that in our future lessons together, we’re gonna have to concentrate on toughening her up a bit as well. It’s an interesting point though; why do we say ‘a’ unicorn instead of ‘an’ unicorn? After all, ‘unicorn’ begins with a vowel. This may require some extracurricular activities; and you know what that means… bonus credit points! Yippee!!”
*******************
Spike was in hog heaven, as he excitedly hopped around Ponyville with his new toy, pretending to aim it at various innocent ponies and buildings and basically having the time of his life.
“Take that, Sugarcube Corner! You short-changed me by a marshmallow last week with my Sapphire Sundae, and now you must pay the penalty. Tell me to ‘get lost’ just because I wished you a ‘Good Morning’ yesterday eh, Cranky Doodle Donkey? Well, you ‘get lost’... to Tartarus. And take that stupid wig with you! Boom! Zap! Bam… Oh, hi girls!”
The ‘girls’ in question were none other than the ubiquitous Cutie Mark Crusaders, who along with everypony else who passed the playacting Spike on the dirt road that day thought he behaved very oddly.
The other quadra-ped-estrians though were much too polite to confront the dragon on his eccentric demeanour though, and besides they remembered the massive growth spurt he had last time he got upset which nearly led to the destruction of their beloved town.
(Also, children are generally less likely to care if they cause offence or not, as any hard-pressed parent can ever tell you. “Why is that man so fat, Mummy?” “Why don’t you say it louder Marjorie, I’m not sure he heard you.” “Mum, why is that man so…”)
“Erm, Spike what are you doing?” Scootaloo was the first to remark as she neared him, a quizzical look written all over her face.
“Yeah. Are you alright, Spike? Do ya need us to call anypony, or somethin’?” Apple Bloom was equally concerned about the dragon’s state of mind, as she watched him roll around in the muck and make bizarre shooting noises with wild abandon.
“Hang on. What’s that pointy thing he’s got in his claws?” Sweetie Belle seemed more interested in the unknown object Spike tightly clasped in his reptilian mitts. “Wait, no. It couldn’t be. I-It’s a horn. And not just anypony’s horn. I-It’s T-Twilight’s…”
Sweetie Belle couldn’t say another solitary word before ‘Doing A Starlight’ (as it will now be known henceforth) and collapsing there and then out of pure body horror shock. It is, after all, every -corn creature’s worst nightmare to lose the most valuable part of their body that makes them ‘them’.
The only consolation was that Sweetie was a tad more refined in her unconscious state than Starlight was… whereas the older pony’s tongue and hind legs were all over the map, at least it looked as if the filly was just cutely taking a nap on her side.
This didn’t seem to placate Scootaloo and Apple Bloom though, as they glanced at each other with absolute shock, both at their friend’s sudden fainting spell and the many questions that arose regarding Spike’s newest treasure. “Spike, what did you do?!” “I can’t believe I’m carryin’ her all the way back to Carousel Boutique. My body was built for farmwork, not personal transportation!”
“Oh relax you two, I only borrowed the horn from Twilight. She’s absolutely fine, in fact she practically begged me to take it off her hooves for a while. Folded like a cheap suit she did, it was hilarious.” A grinning Spike turned to address the onlooking pair of fillies, taking a brief sabbatical from saving the world all by himself. “Don’t worry, I’ll get it back to her as soon as I’m done. Nothing could possibly go wrong… ATISHOO!”
Notice how things always go wrong when people/ponies/dragons say that? You’d think everyone would’ve learned by now; never piss Fate off. Alas, this seems to be a lesson no one ever picks up on… so I guess there’s nothing else for them but to find out the hard way.
A miniscule bit of dust made its way into the air from a snoozing Sweetie breathing into the dirt, depositing itself almost directly onto the nostrils of one Spike The Dragon, who in turn dropped the horn he’d so carefully clenched until now, at the exact moment a speeding carriage from Rich Mansion made its way straight towards the small crowd there…
An always-alert Scootaloo jumped out of the way in time. Apple Bloom grabbed ahold of a slumbering Sweetie’s striped mane (tearing a small piece off in the process, but who cares) to pull themselves both clear. Spike, still recovering from his unexpected attack of the sneezes, had enough awareness to step aside at the last possible second, but as for the horn…
CRUNCH! You know what that sound means. Here’s a clue: nothing positive.
“Phew! That were a close one, weren’t it Scoots, Spike? Spike?” Apple Bloom checked to see if all her (awake) friends were okay, and paused when she saw a distraught Spike cradling a couple of objects like newborn foals in the aftermath of the carriage’s tracks.
“Oh no. S-She’s gonna kill me. I-I almost wish that cart had run me over, at least it would be quick and painless, compared to what lies ahead…”
“Spike, whatever do you mean? We just cheated death, and you’re just sitting there feeling sorry for yourself? Aren’t you grateful you’ve got a second chance?” Scootaloo was glad just to still be alive, and couldn’t understand why Spike didn’t feel the same way.
“A ‘second chance’ for what? For Twilight to yell at me for having let her down? To scorn me for breaking my promise? To ostracise me for the rest of my worthless life because I just bust her horn into two completely powerless pieces?!”
“Oh.” Scoots and Sweetie looked at each other with mild panic, knowing exactly why the devastated dragon seemed so upset now.
“W-What do I do now? H-How do I tell her, she’ll never use magic again? Hey girls, could you help me? I know you’ve assisted lots of ponies around town since earning your special symbols, do you think you could fix…”
“S-Sorry Spike. We only know about Cutie Marks and ponies’ destinies, not broken unicorn horns and dragons about to ‘get it’…” A nervous Apple Bloom gulped audibly as she spoke, remembering that the rare occasions Twilight got mad when they were briefly taught by her were not nice experiences. At all. “Anyway, we gotta go now and… put Sweetie to bed. Yeah, that’s a good ‘un. Be seein’ ya. Good luck… he’s gonna need it.”
“T-That’s right! And after we’ve done that, we’re off to Rich Mansion to complain about those useless drivers Mrs Rich employs. I know she wants to save money ‘n’ all, but geez lady… we could’ve died back there.” If the irony of Scootaloo complaining about ‘reckless drivers’ ever crossed her mind, she didn’t offer any hints.
“Y-You mean you’re not even gonna…” Spike began to speak, but before he could utter more than a few syllables three blurs very much like the purple one he made as he left The Castle Of Friendship that day (but this time yellow, orange and a carried white one) zipped past him far into the distance.
“Well, that’s just great, isn’t it? Whatever happened to ‘good friends sticking together’? “Sticking together’... now there’s an idea. Whatever did I do with all that glue? If it’s good enough for paper cut-outs of the Mane-iac and Masked Matterhorn, it should suffice for magical keratin. Right? Right.”
*************************
“H-Hi Twilight. Lovely weather we’re having, isn’t it?” A somewhat nervous Spike slowly made his way into Twilight’s study area, his claws pinned firmly behind his back.
“Hmm? Oh I wouldn’t know anything about that Spike, because I’ve been busy working on my big schedule for tomorrow’s huge agenda involving gigantic list-making. My therapy pony told me I’m a certified ‘shut-in’ who does ‘pointless’ things to avoid ‘socialising with the masses’ but it’s okay, I fired her so… problem solved! Anyway, isn’t there something you’ve forgotten?”
“F-Forgotten, you say? Oh sorry, I’ll get started on those dirty dishes right now…” Spike was usually the last individual to remind Twilight it was his turn for wash-up duty, but something, anything would surely be better than hearing the alicorn’s inevitable next question.
“The dishes? Don’t be silly Spike, we haven’t even started dinner yet. I was just going to ask you if you still had my hor…”
“...Hor d'oeuvres? Say no more. I’ll just fetch you them from the cupboard…”
“W-Wha… I swear Spike, you are in a funny mood today. I told you, we don’t eat for at least another hour, and it’s pronounced horse d’oeuvres, remember? Enough distraction tactics; I want to know where my horn is, and I want to know this very second…”
“Here you go, Twi.”
“Huh?” Twilight looked somewhat mollified as Spike apparently handed her a solid-feeling triangular object, before quickly stepping backwards once more. “T-This is… my horn.”
“Well, yeah. What did you expect me to give you, an ice-cream cone?” Spike chuckled sheepishly at this juncture, his slit eyes rapidly darting from side-to-side as if watching a fly buzz around his head.
“No, it’s just… with all the carrying-on you did when you first arrived, I thought you might’ve lost it or something. Perhaps I should learn to have a bit more faith. Regardless, let’s stick it back where it belongs…”
“Well if that’s all for today, I’ll be cower… I mean, reading in my room, then. Let me know if there’s anything you need…”
“Wait!”
Twilight’s sudden cry stopped Spike in his tracks, whilst having the simultaneous effect of chilling him to the core. Darn it. I was so close too…
“...And what exactly do you call this. Spike?”
“Erm, your horn, Twilight?”
“Don’t get smart with me, young dragon! I mean this. Is this… duct tape?!”
“Y-Yeah, pretty cool, huh? And look, if you take it off, it’s like you’ve got two horns instead of one! Isn’t that something?”
“...Spike, did you break my horn, after you expressly told me you’d love and cherish it like it was your first-born hatchling?”
“U-Uh… maybe? Kinda? Sorta?”
“Just as I suspected. You know what this means, don’t you?”
“Oh no, please don’t send me away, Twilight! I love it here. I’m a domesticated dragon by trade, and won’t even survive one day on my own in the big, wide world. No-one else would take me in! The Dragonlands wouldn’t have me! I don’t even know where the nearest gem depository is! It was a total accident! Please Twilight! F-Forgive mmmmeee…” Seeing as Spike’s first plan was a complete failure, he decided to once again try grovelling and pleading his way out of trouble… and a more sad and pathetic sight you’ll likely have never witnessed.
Twilight glanced down briefly at Spike’s piteous pity party through her horn-rimmed reading glasses, before going back to her paperwork without a single pause. “It’s okay. You’re forgiven.”
“W-What the… I can’t believe it was that… you mean, you’re sure you’re okay with never using magic again?” Spike’s mood turned from utter desolation to total confusion in an instant, as he waited for an explanation as to why his alicorn friend wasn’t tearing the place apart right now, using him for target practice.
“Hmm? Oh okay, I suppose I better tell you before you start getting too anxious. It was soon after you left today, that I remembered this…”
Twilight got up and reached for a nearby drawer in her desk, pulled it open…
…And inside, all neatly stacked together like multi-decks of playing cards was about one-hundred disembodied horns, each one exactly the same size and shape of the one Spike had destroyed so carelessly.
“They came with the castle when it first appeared, and I never really thought of them until now. What are the chances I’d need a spare so quickly, eh? Fancy helping me screw it back into place?” Twilight told a gibbering Spike, as she threw the old broken horn into a nearby waiting trash can, and grabbed a spare that would fit her as snug as a horn in a… something.
“Y-You mean… I went through all that worrying, all that trying to mend it with everything I could lay my claws on, from chewing gum to thoughts and prayers, a-and all along you had… o-oh my, I suddenly feel woozy.” Without further ado, an utterly exhausted Spike (both mentally and physically) fainted dead away next to Starlight… and judging by the serene expression on his face, he hadn’t felt this good for days.
Twilight took note of this, and her new student’s equally happy look she gave whilst in dreamland, leaving the yawning alicorn a simple conclusion to draw as to her very next act.
“Gee, that sure looks nice. I suppose my new horn’s initiation can wait, and I could do with a brief rest from my studies. Time for a brief nap before dinnertime, I think. It’s not on ‘the schedule’, but let’s live dangerously for a change, shall we?”
With those final words, as she made herself comfortable between Starlight and Spike as all three friends contentedly slumbered together, we turn out the lights too on this little story, but not before…
ZZZZZZZ (Sorry, author-chan was so relaxed in describing this trio’s sweet repose that he nodded off also. Good Night, y’all.)
Author's Note
An amusing story for a drab weekend.
I do write an awful lot of these... maybe I'm good at them? Or perhaps I just enjoy doing them?
You be the judge of that. Anyway, until next time now... 
