The Beginning of the Return of the Revenge
It was one of the most amazing things Rarity had ever seen. It was clearly some kind of alchemy, but she couldn’t for the life of her figure it out. In the world beyond the portal, there was supposedly no magic, or at least none that hadn’t been imported from Equestria, but here was something that was totally inexplicable and incredible without the use of sorcery and enchantments -- yet none of the humans even gave it two glances.
Rarity watched the swirl of impossible colors, things that had no place in the natural world, just beyond the glass of the humming and mysterious device. She couldn’t fathom what it was all for. Cobalt blue and toxic neon green, with incomprehensible labels and mechanisms that defied logic. And yet…
“Are you gonna get a slurpee or what?” the younger Rainbow Dash asked. “Because you’re like, standing right in the way.”
“What are they?” Rarity asked.
“You’ve never had a slurpee?” Dash asked. “Wow, good thing we decided to do this trip here, the pony world must be super lame. Slurpees are basically the most perfect drink ever invented!”
“How do they work?” Rarity asked.
“Watch and learn, horse girl,” Dash said smugly.
She pulled a paper cup from the stack next to the humming mechanical cauldron of mystery and popped on a plastic top, sticking the cup under a tap and carefully filling it halfway, tilting it to keep most on one side.
“I like to do half and half so I get two flavors instead of one,” Dash explained, before moving the cup to the other tap and filling the other half of the cup, the two bright colors not quite mixing, a frozen swirl of color.
“Glad to see you two gettin’ along,” Applejack - the younger one - said. “Part of me was worried you’d fight like a bag of hammers.”
“Why would a bag of hammers fight?” Dash asked.
“It’s an expression,” Applejack said dismissively. “Remember to get all the snacks you need for a weekend. We’ll be up at the cabin in a couple hours and then we’ve got a few days of fishin’ and hikin’.”
“There’d be drinkin’ too if they’d believe me about my age,” AJ huffed, mirroring her human counterpart. “It ain’t fair. I ain’t a teenager!”
“I think you technically are a teenager,” Rarity pointed out. “Which is one of the better things about this trip. It’s the youngest I’ve felt in…” she stopped herself. “A little while.”
“How long’s it been since you were a teenager?” Dash asked.
“Let’s not dwell on exact numbers,” Rarity said, waving a hand dismissively. “What really matters is how young I feel, and right now I’m the same age as the rest of you.”
“Applejack!” the human Rarity whined. “This bodega is extremely under-stocked! I can’t find a single healthy thing!”
“Potato chips are technically a vegetable,” Dash said. She slurped her drink, making a loud sputtering sound.
“No drinking until you pay!” the man behind the counter snapped at the sound.
“Sorry!” Dash called out. She waited a moment. “I’m not actually sorry,” she whispered. “Hey, where’s the other Dash?”
“I was finding these!” the pony Rainbow Dash said. Rainbow held up a black bag. “Check it out! These say they’re the spiciest chip ever made! We’ve gotta try these!”
“Ain’t enough that you’re gonna eat foreign food, you’re gonna deliberately eat somethin’ in a bag covered in fire and skulls?” AJ asked.
Rainbow stopped and looked at the bag with an expression of deep consideration and thought. “Wow when you say it like that, it makes me really think… that I should get two bags.”
Rarity sighed and shook her head. The competition between her friends had only gotten more intense, not less, since they’d started officially dating instead of merely flirting and pretending they had been ‘wrestling’ in the barn.
Dash sighed. Rarity shot her a look. She was trying to be more stealthy about slurping her drink while she watched her own pair of dating friends. She could sympathize. She was another third wheel on the trip. Or perhaps fifth or sixth wheel, depending on how one counted the couples.
“Hey, check this out,” Dash said, ushering her twin over. Rainbow leaned in to look. “A book of local legends!”
“Do you guys even have legends around here?” Rainbow asked. “Your monsters must be kinda lame without magic.”
“That’s what you think,” Dash countered. She picked it up and flipped through it. “You ever heard of a Chupaqueso?”
Rarity frowned. “A… cheese-sucker?” she translated.
“Maybe I’m not pronouncing it right. It should sound more ominous. They drain all the milk out of dairy cows! But like, in a menacing way!”
“Without asking?” AJ asked. “Darned rude not to ask first. I always get consent before milkin’ them.”
“You guys have cows in horse land?” Dash asked. “That seems kinda…” she trailed off, trying to find the right word.
“Problematic?” the human Rarity asked.
“They’re unionized,” AJ said, as if it explained everything.
“Makes sense to me,” Applejack agreed with her double.
“What about this one?” Rainbow asked, reading over Dash’s shoulder. “You guys have windigos?”
“Now you’re the one pronouncing it wrong,” Dash scoffed. “Wendigo. They’re a kind of sort of undead monster that rises up after someone becomes a cannibal! They hunger for flesh and are made of pure evil!”
She turned the book around so the others could see the creature floating in the woods with its skull face and long talons.
“Oooh! Spooky!” Dash said.
“This ain’t a library!” the man called out.
“Eh, might as well pick it up,” Dash said, adding the book to the pile of snacks they’d put on the counter. “We can read it at the cabin and scare each other with spooky stories! I want to hear about some of the monsters you’ve got in horse land.
“They’d scare you so bad you’d have white hair instead of rainbows,” AJ scoffed.
“If it didn’t scare her, it wouldn’t scare me,” Dash said, motioning at Rainbow.
“She’s got a point, AJ,” Rainbow agreed. “Every version of me is fearless!”
“As long as there ain’t a written test involved,” Applejack suggested.
“It’s called testing anxiety and it’s not weird and lots of cool people freeze up when they have to remember the pythotoregion theorem.”
“I believe you mean the Pythagorean Theorem,” Rarity’s counterpart corrected.
“You’re a pythagoras,” Dash countered.
“Ah, they really are almost identical,” Rarity sighed.
The man behind the counter watched them carefully when they eventually paid, as if he was sure he was the victim of some kind of prank.
“Y’all are…” he hesitated.
“Twins,” the human Rarity supplied quickly. “We met at a convention and now we’re taking a trip together for… ah… social media?”
“Oh. The facebooks,” the gas station worker nodded. “I get it. My cousin loves that kind of thing. She gets lots of likes, and I don’t know what that means but I’m proud of her for finding something she loves.”
“Passion is important,” Rarity agreed. She wasn’t entirely sure what social media was, but presumably it was similar to tabloids reporting on celebrities.
“So where are you heading?” he asked, happier now that he was sure he was going to get paid and no one was going to wreck his shop or pull out a hidden camera.
“My family’s got a cabin up on the ridge over the lake,” Applejack said. “Ain’t been there since I was knee-high to a groundhog but Aunt Peachy was up there last summer and fixed the place up so we’re headin’ up to do some hikin’ and swimmin’.”
“You all ain’t going to… Knife Edge Makeout Point, are you?”
Rarity squeaked and turned around at the ominous tone, An older, crazed-looking man in dirty flannel glared at them, having somehow managed to sneak up on all of them.
“Uh… maybe?” Applejack asked.
“That place is cursed! Cursed!” the old man yelled. “You should stay far away from it! There’s a monster in the woods, and it’ll gobble you all up! It hates annoyin’ kids makin’ noise and pokin’ around where they don’t belong!”
“Mah family literally owns half the land,” Applejack said flatly. “We ain’t never heard about a monster and nobody ever got eaten.”
“Darnit Vino, get out of here and stop harassing my customers!” the worker sighed. “You’re drunk again!”
“I’m not drunk, I’m old and surly and trying to save these kids from being gobbled up!”
“Come back when you’re sober, less surly, and you’re not scaring people off with your crazy stories! Git!”
Rarity watched him leave. “I believe he was carrying…” she shuddered. “Boxed wine. And he didn’t pay for it!”
“He’ll pay for it next time,” the counter-worker sighed. “I let him run a tab. Sorry about old Vino. He lost his wife a long time back and never really got over it. Now he tries to scare people out of the woods. I think it’s because he don’t want them getting hurt like his wife. Or because he’s old and surly.”
“And drunk,” Rainbow suggested.
“Man’s got to have some kind of hobby. Don’t worry about those stories. There’s nothing dangerous out here. Haven’t even seen bears in a few years. Probably all ran off because of global warming or something.”
He paused and smiled.
“But if you do find a monster, you could put it on your facebooks!”
“Really?” Rarity asked, when her counterpart finished her explanation. “So you can send messages anywhere in the world instantly, and people use it to post… pictures of cats?”
“Some people do,” Other Rarity confirmed. “Obviously I post much higher quality content, see?” She held up her phone, flipping through images of plates of food arranged in the impractical but artistic way that Rarity knew meant it was expensive. A few images of the other Rarity were interspersed, obviously portraits she’d taken of herself. She wasn’t sure why her counterpart pursed her lips so oddly, but it wasn’t her place to question it. After a few more images, the phone screen blinked and the next picture was replaced with a spinning circle.
“What does that mean?” Rarity asked.
“Darn it all, that means we don’t have reception,” her double sighed. “And I was about to get to my favorite picture of Applejack!”
“The one at the prom, or the one at the contest?” Applejack asked from the driver’s seat.
“The prom picture, of course. I don’t know what contest you mean,” other Rarity said, her cheeks turning pink.
“The one with the thin T-shirts and the bucket of ice water,” Applejack reminded her.
“I wouldn’t have any idea what you’re talking about,” the other Rarity said, hiding her phone as if the pictures in question might appear at any moment.
There were a lot of human things she was having to get used to in a hurry. The large vehicle they rode in, the tiny tablets they carried (which apparently weren’t magical, despite all appearances), the odd ways their culture differed. For example, since she and the human Dash weren’t one of the couples on the trip, they’d had to share the smallest seat in the back to allow the others to sit next to their partners.
Suggestions had been made that Rarity could sit on Dash’s lap, but she’d vetoed that and helped them rearrange their packing. There was a surprising amount of wasted space and she was easily able to fit things once she put her mind to it, but the delay had cost them a bit of driving time.
She couldn’t imagine it would have been pleasant on the bumpy road up to the cabin. By the time they arrived, it had been a solid hour of bouncing. The moment the van stopped, there was a rush to get out and stretch from everyone involved.
“Looks just like how I remember it from when I was a kid,” Applejack said, hands on her hips. She looked at the cabin proudly. It was a single story, with the oldest part of the cabin joined to several extra bedrooms, the building having grown along with the Apple family.
“So, which bedroom is mine?” Rarity asked, dragging her bags inside. She’d only been able to bring two with her - unfortunately, without a lot of human clothing, her wardrobe was starkly limited to only a dozen or two outfits for the duration of the weekend trip.
“Rares and I are gonna take the master bedroom,” Applejack said. “I figured your Dash an’ the horse version of me could take the big guest room.”
“Amazingly, that doesn’t answer my question.”
Applejack coughed and blushed. “Well, there’re only three bedrooms, so you and Rainbow Dash could pack into the last one. It’s got a big bed, and--”
“One big bed?” Rarity asked.
“I didn’t think it’d be a big deal, y’all are both adult enough to share.”
“Aw, don’t worry about it,” Dash said. She tossed her single small duffel bag into the couch in the living room. “I can crash out here. The room’s all yours, horse girl.”
“Thank you for being a gentlemare about it,” Rarity sighed with relief. For some reason, Applejack, both versions her, looked annoyed.
“We’re gonna go fishing,” Rainbow said. “I borrowed some human world fishing stuff and it looks pretty badass. I’ve got a bet going with Applejack that I’ll catch twice the fish she does.”
“Twice as many or twice as large?”
Rainbow glanced back at AJ and lowered her voice. “Whichever one lets me win this one. I lost our last three contests and I need a win!”
“I’m surprised she doesn’t take pity on you,” Rarity said.
“Come on Rares you know if she did that we’d both hate it,” Rainbow scoffed. “Anyway, I guess you could come along…” The way she said it, and the way she looked, made Rarity absolutely sure she wasn’t truly invited even if she for some reason wanted to spend hours with a rod and reel. And slimy, flopping fish.
“It’s fine,” Rarity assured her. “I’ll let you two lovebirds argue about whose fish is larger in private.”
Rainbow was visibly relieved. She pointed a fist at Rarity.
“What’s that?” Rarity asked.
“I’m trying to give you a hoof’s-up. You know, for being cool.”
“We don’t have hooves here.”
“I know. How do you think humans do it?”
“They probably use these things,” Rarity said, wiggling her fingers.
“Okay, uh…” Rainbow wiggled her fingers. “That feels weird. That can’t be right.”
“I appreciate the effort nevertheless,” Rarity said. She waved to Applejack as she passed by to grab Rainbow and go down towards the lake. It wasn’t a problem. Of course they wanted to do something together. They were a couple. They deserved some alone time. There were plenty of other people around, and it was an opportunity to get to know her human counterpart.
She was probably feeling just as out of place as Rarity was, if not more.
“Oh no, I’m sorry my darling double,” her copy sighed. “I was going on a hike with AJ.”
“A hike?” Rarity asked.
“Well, you know,” her human double said. She blushed. “Alone. With AJ. In the woods. Away from everyone else. No offense, darling, but--”
“Please, no more details, I was a teenager once as well,” Rarity sighed. “You want alone time out of earshot of the cabin.”
“That’s not the only thing, there really are some wonderful hiking trails here and I don’t get out enough, but… yes. It’s up to me to make it romantic, so I’m already a bit overwhelmed. I’m sure your AJ isn’t one for dramatic gestures of love either.”
“I wouldn’t know,” Rarity admitted.
“Oh. Right. You two aren’t…”
“Right.”
“Anyway, you should spend some time with our Rainbow Dash. It’s better to use the buddy system and, frankly, she’s the most likely person here to end up somehow needing emergency services.”
Rarity chuckled. “You’re right about that. Our Dash is older and wiser but only got that way after quite a few hospital stays.”
“Exactly. And if there’s anyone I can trust to avoid us needing to drive to the nearest hospital to have broken bones reset, it’s myself!” the human Rarity smiled and put her hands on her hips. “By which I mean you.”
“I’ll do my best to be the adult in the room,” Rarity said. “Or the woods, as the case may be.”
Her options for someone to spend time with had rapidly narrowed down to exactly one other person. She waved to her double as she went off with her Applejack and a backpack that likely had a large blanket and a small picnic lunch if Rarity knew herself and the kind of planning any version of herself would have.
It left her at a loose end, and she’d have to--
There was a loud crash and a quiet ‘ow’. Rarity sighed, collected herself, and went to see exactly what had broken. Thankfully, it was a board, not a bone. Dash was lying on the ground, recovering from a fall. The broken ramp she’d tried to make from loose boards and a boulder painted a picture of exactly how she’d ended up on the ground, if not why.
“Do you need me to get you a plaster?” Rarity asked.
“Huh, why would I need plaster? I didn’t put a hole in the wall, did I?” She looked over at the cabin.
“Never mind,” Rarity sighed. “So what’s all this?” She motioned to the ramp.
“I was doing a test run to make sure the ramp was strong enough. It wasn’t.”
“Wasn’t strong enough for what?”
“You know how Rarity, uh, I mean, the other Rarity has a lot of followers online?” Dash asked.
“That is something she mentioned,” Rarity agreed. She was able to tell from context that it had something to do with fame, but the details were more difficult and probably relied on some of the cultural differences in the human world.
“I’ve got people who watch my videos too,” Dash explained. “Instead of posting pictures of weird coffee drinks and vegan food like her, I inspire people. By being a badass!”
“You… turn into a donkey?”
Dash paused and held up a finger. “You know, that one’s on me, I should have known that wouldn’t translate. Let me see if the camera at least got a good angle.”
She checked her phone, which was propped up on a rock.
“Dang, getting everything in frame is hard…” Dash mumbled. “I knew I should have brought a tripod or something.”
“You’re trying to take pictures?” Rarity asked. “You know, I work in the fashion industry. I take pictures professionally. And… I happen to have brought along one of my best cameras!”
“Really?” Dash asked.
Rarity nodded smugly and led her back inside to the guest room, opening one of her bags. Inside were her supplies, a camera, tripod, and lenses. The latter had been shockingly expensive, but were the mark of a true professional.
“What do you think?” she asked, ready to hear Dash be amazed at her preparedness.
“Wow, I haven’t seen a camera like this except in museums!” Dash said. “It uses film or something, right?”
“It’s a bit older, but it has a lot of life left in it,” Rarity said defensively. “I brought it to document the trip. I thought I might find some inspiration in this world to help my own work. One must expose themselves to new experiences and places to expand their horizons!”
“Huh. Okay.” Dash folded her arms. “It’s not exactly what I was thinking of, but maybe having a real photographer will be good. Sort of add some artistic stuff.”
“A photographer’s main job is making their subject look good,” Rarity assured her.
“Cool! Okay. So let me rebuild the ramp a little stronger, get the fireworks ready, and you can take pictures when they go off. Just remember, you’ve gotta be fast.”
“Fireworks?”
Rarity gave Dash some of the ice from the cooler, wrapped in a towel. The human groaned.
“Did you get a good shot?” she asked.
“You got the shot, darling. I’m not sure if you wanted to run through the explosion or have it behind you, but I’m sure you didn’t want the rocket hitting you there.”
Dash grumbled and held the ice to her burned, bruised rear. “It could still look cool if it comes off like a rocket launching me up instead of, uh…”
“A rocket shooting you down?” Rarity suggested, opting for the most polite interpretation of the event.
“Yeah, that,” Dash agreed.
“I’ll have to develop the film to find out.”
“Okay, so do you need a few minutes or…?”
“It’s film, darling. I need to take it to the store and let the expert deal with it.”
“Ugh. Figures.” Dash sighed. “What a pain in the ass. Literally.”
Rarity chuckled politely. It wasn’t a good joke but she also wasn’t going to kick anyone while they were down. She decided to snap a few more pictures for posterity, and not Dash’s posterior. Even the worst trips tended to have good stories, though sometimes it took a little time and distance for frustration to be reborn as humor. She stepped back to get a shot of the cabin and stopped when she saw something in the camera’s viewfinder, lowering it and stepping closer to examine them.
“What are these?” Rarity asked. She put her hand next to the marks. They were long scratches in the wood.
“It’s not from the stunt. Must be from some animal,” Dash said. “We’re in the middle of the woods, so maybe a bear or something?”
“The man at the store said there weren’t any bears around here,” Rarity reminded her.
“It could be pretty old.”
“Your Applejack said one of her relatives was here not long ago. This scratch is on top of the fresh paint. It can’t be more than a few months old at most.”
“Then the guy at the gas station was wrong.” Dash shrugged. “It’s still probably--”
A howl rang out through the woods. It didn’t sound like a bear. Or a wolf. Or a dog. It sounded like something in terrible pain.
“--Nothing,” Dash finished. “Hey, I got a really cool idea, what if we waited here for everyone to get back, but we did it inside and found a board game or something? And played it with the doors locked?”
“I would love to learn about your human boardgames, inside with the doors locked,” Rarity agreed.
“I already said it weren’t me!” Applejack huffed, her cheeks red. “First off, I don’t make noises like that, second off, whatever me and Rares were doing in the woods ain’t important and we ain’t gonna chat about it.”
“I don’t kiss and tell,” the human Rarity confirmed. “But I do kiss.”
“Rares!”
“I don’t want them thinking I’m a cold fish!”
“Speaking of fish, it wasn’t us either,” Rainbow said. “Both of us heard it, but we figured it was some kind of human world creature and ignored it. Sort of reminded me of a manticore.”
“Nah, more like a minotaur,” AJ countered.
“Big talk for someone who didn’t catch anything.”
“Like catching one minnow makes you any better at fishin’.”
“Technically, it does,” Rainbow said.
“Barely proper fishin’ at all without cider anyway,” AJ grumbled. “Fishin’ sober is just plain old wrong.”
“Whatever, let’s break out the snacks,” Rainbow said. She opened the cooler that they’d dragged into the living room. “We’ve got, uh, bean dip, some kinda veggie tray…”
“I’ll take a hot dog,” Dash told her double.
“There aren’t any hot dogs,” the human Rarity said calmly.
“...You didn’t pack any hot dogs… on a camping trip?!”
“I didn’t want to bring anything that might offend our guests. From what I understand they’re all vegetarian.”
“But I crave the meats!” Dash groaned. “This sucks. I can’t even order a pizza because we’re in the middle of nowhere.”
“Wait, if they’re vegetarian, why’d they go fishin?” Applejack asked.
“Fish doesn’t count as meat, duh,” Dash scoffed.
Applejack frowned and folded her arms. “Ah’m tryin’ to figure out if you’re implyin’ that horses are Catholic.”
The human Rarity tapped her chin. “It seems like an ecumenical matter--”
A howl sounded from outside, a wail unlike any animal anything Rarity had ever heard before, and since she knew Fluttershy quite well, that didn’t come from a place of ignorance.
“You know what would be great? Stayin’ inside,” AJ said.
“We could play spin the bottle!” the human Rarity said, excited. “Or truth and dare!”
“Those are a bit childish, darling,” Rarity chuckled. “I haven’t done that since I was a teenager.”
“I am a teenager,” the other Rarity reminded her.
“And I know that as another version of me that you’re mature enough to recognize they’re simply childish ways to make an excuse for two people to go off and pair up,” Rarity said. “It rather ruins the plot when everyone involved is in a relationship already.”
“Not everyone,” her double mumbled.
Rarity frowned. “The only two of us who aren’t are myself and…” she looked over at the teenage Dash. “You can’t be serious.”
“It was merely an idea. A suggestion. A fated romance between worlds to bridge the universal gap between us with the power of love!”
“Really?” Dash groaned. “This is worse than the monster outside.”
For once, Rarity felt absolutely in sync with her.
“It ain’t the worst idea,” AJ mumbled.
“You too?” Rarity asked.
“You’re a good friend an’ I don’t want you to end up alone when romance is so important to ya that even Twilight Sparkle, who ain’t never loved anything as much as she loves a set of encyclopedias, thought it’d be a good idea to try given’ you a hoof.”
“I am perfectly capable of finding someone!” Rarity retorted. “I could go out there right now and get a date!”
The howling was closer this time.
“Perhaps not right now.”
“We should look and see what’s after us,” Rainbow suggested.
AJ shook her head. “We got kids with us, Rainbow. We shouldn’t poke a nest full of wasps when there ain’t gonna be no honey inside.”
“Come on, when do we ever run from trouble? We’ve faced down more monsters than anypony! It’s not like you to turn into a… chicken.”
“Rainbow you better not be--”
“Bawk.”
“Seems to me like y’all just want to get into a fight and don’t care where it comes from,” AJ growled.
Rainbow smirked. “Bawk bawk bawk.”
AJ adjusted her hat. “Y’all are lucky I love you.” She stormed to the front door and opened it, still glaring at Rainbow.
It took AJ a moment to realize everyone in the room was looking past her, and that everyone looked about as pale as Rarity. She swallowed, freezing up.
“It might be good to close the door,” Rarity whispered.
AJ couldn’t help herself. She turned her head to look.
The thing framed in the doorway was big enough that it didn’t quite all fit in view, especially not with how close it was. It was easily eight feet tall, with mossy, dirty hair covering its body and a head like a deer’s skull. The monster breathed, steam pouring from the skull’s nostrils, glowing eyes like tiny stars glaring from the eye sockets.
AJ slammed the door closed.
“So there you go,” AJ said quickly. “Horrible monster, I ain’t chicken, and somebody help me move the couch in front of the door real fast now.”
“I knew it!” Dash said a little while later. She stopped flipping through the book they’d grabbed at the gas station. “It really is in here!”
She turned the book around so everyone else could see. The picture in the book had been drawn with the artistic talent of a very enthusiastic teenager or talented grade schooler with a mind for the grim. It definitely resembled the beast waiting outside, in the broad details.
“It’s called the Knife Point Beast! Apparently it was a cursed prospector who found buried Olmec treasure left by conquistadors trying to hide it somewhere no one would ever find it and be destroyed by it again!”
“Does it say how to uncurse it?” Rarity asked.
“Uh… not really.” Dash shrugged. “If we had everyone here we could pony up and blast it with magic.”
“I’ve fought plenty of monsters before and we never needed a bunch of magic,” Rainbow said, scoffing at her younger double. Applejack cleared her throat and gave her a look. “Except for like, Discord. Or Nightmare Moon. Or Tirek. Those are totally exceptions, though! The point is this is a regular monster and we can kick its tail!”
“I don’t think the Knife Point Beast has a tail,” the human Rarity noted as she skimmed the book entry. “Assuming this picture is accurate.”
“Y’all got a point,” AJ said. “I was a little scared before--”
Dash cleared her throat. “You had to change your pants.”
“--A touch more than a little scared,” AJ admitted. “But that Beast ain’t been able to break in. It ain’t no worse than a spooky-lookin’ moose. We don’t need magic to catch it, and if we catch it, problem solved!”
“We could simply leave,” Rarity pointed out, needing to be what increasingly felt like the only adult in the room. “There is a working van right outside.”
“If my Aunt came up here and ran into that monster her dang heart would give out even if it weren’t a flesh-eatin’ horror,” AJ countered. “I ain’t leaving it to roam mah family’s property and nibble on people!”
“Then we need a monster-hunting plan,” Rainbow said. “You can’t get into real trouble as long as you have a plan.”
“I know just the thing,” Dash said. “It’ll be perfect!”
“So your plan,” Rarity said slowly. “Your plan is to… push it into this hole?”
“You’re talkin’ a lot of guff about a hole you ain’t helped dig,” AJ huffed, tossing another shovelful of dirt up and out. “This ain’t easy work, you know!”
“I am well aware,” Rarity said. “Back home I’ve done a considerable amount of mining for gems. That’s why I’m supervising.”
“The plan isn’t just to push it into the hole,” Dash said. “Look, the three of us--” she indicated the younger trio of humans. “We have some cool magic powers. I’m super fast, AJ is super strong, and Rares is a Green Lantern.”
Rarity coughed. “A-- I’m sorry? I certainly hope that isn’t similar to a red lantern district.”
“No, Red Lanterns are powered by rage,” Dash said.
“Only if they’re not paid promptly.”
“Are we talking about the same thing?”
“I suspect not, which is good because if you were implying any version of me was a lady of easy virtue, I would show you my karate.”
“First, I would love to see your karate and that sounds really cool because I can totally do most of the moves in Mortal Fighter II except the ones that need you to shoot lightning or ice, but second, let me explain the plan again.” Dash sighed. “I have super speed, because it’s the best power. I’m going to find the monster and use my speed to lure it over here without any risk that it could actually catch me. AJ has used her awesome biceps to dig a big hole, so big the monster can’t climb out. It’s probably not dumb enough to walk in, but that’s where Rares comes in! She can use her magic to shove it in once it’s close enough!”
“What about us?” Rarity asked.
Rainbow nodded. “The ones of us with real monster experience.”
“You can cheer us on!” Dash suggested.
The horrible skull-faced monster at the edge of the woods growled a suggestion.
“Right, or you could get eaten alive,” Dash confirmed. She stopped. “Oh fu--”
Everything turned to chaos, and not the fun kind where the clouds were cotton candy. The kind where a monster was suddenly chasing them through the woods.
AJ yelled from the hole. “Help me up! I can’t git out! It’s too deep!”
“Hold on, I’m coming,” Rainbow yelled, majestically leaping into the air and coming down on her face. “Oh right, I can’t fly. Someone else help her!”
“I can use my magic to make stairs!” the human Rarity yelled. “It’s just a little touchy! This might take a minute!”
“Shove it into the hole first and we’ll figure out AJ later!” Dash yelled.
“I am not leaving my girlfriend in a pit with a cannibal monster!”
“She can punch it! She’s really strong!”
“I found a ladder!” Applejack yelled. She struggled with it, running it towards the pit.
“Rainbow, watch out!” Rarity yelled. The monster was right on top of her, reaching for her after she’d fallen because her instincts said fly and her body said ‘me and what wings?’.
“Get away from my wife!” Applejack shouted. She swung what she was holding… which was the ladder. At the same moment, Rainbow was getting up to scramble away. The ladder smacked into her head before hitting the creature.
“Oh sugar,” Applejack mumbled.
The monster stumbled to the side and fell into the human Rarity, who was entirely focused on getting her AJ out of the pit. She fell in, screaming. The Beast shook off the disorientation.
Rarity popped out very much like she’d been thrown by someone with super strength. She landed in the monster’s arms.
“This isn’t going well,” the human Rarity told the Beast. “Could you come back in an hour?”
It roared in her face.
“Take this, you horrible creature!” Rarity yelled. She’d grabbed Dash’s box of fireworks and lit a few of them before throwing them at the monster. It dropped her human double and shrieked in totally understandable terror as rockets and Romaine candles started going off in its face. It ran back into the woods, leaving the six humans and currently-humans behind.
“That didn’t go exactly like I hoped,” Dash said. She put her hands on her hips.
“Ah’m still in the hole,” AJ called out. “In case y’all were curious.”
“I think with a few alterations we could make this plan work,” Dash continued. Then the rest of the fireworks exploded right behind her in a way that would have been totally cool if it had been recorded and hadn’t set her pants on fire.
“You gave me a concussion!” Rainbow complained.
AJ sighed. “You ain’t concussed.”
“I’ve had lots of concussions and I know what they feel like,” Rainbow countered.
“Ah barely tapped you!”
“You swung a ladder into my skull!”
“Ah was tryin’ to help!”
“Would have been more helpful if you put the ladder in the dang pit so I could have gotten out,” Applejack said with a big huff. “Didn’t get a chance to help at all.”
“You helped me,” the human Rarity assured her. “Right up until the moment you offered me up to the creature like a snack at a buffet table!”
“Can you guys stop arguing?” Dash groaned. “My butt hurts too much for this.”
“Have I apologized enough about that yet?” Rarity asked.
“That wasn’t your fault. Explosions are cool. I forgive you. I’d forgive you even more if you had aloe vera.”
“That can be arranged,” Rarity promised her. “I will not be applying it, though.”
“No offense but I wouldn’t even let my mom smear gunk all over my butt,” Dash said. “You seem cool, but not that cool.”
“I’m glad you understand,” Rarity said, getting the small bottle out of her purse and giving it to Dash.
“We need to figure out what went wrong, fix it, and then take care of things,” Rainbow said. “There has to be a good reason it came around now and not when Human Applejack’s relatives were here fixing this cabin up.”
“That’s a good point,” AJ said, nodding. “Mah Aunt would’ve mentioned it. Even if she didn’t think we’d believe her she’d at least have passed on a warning.”
“Exactly!” Rainbow said. “So it’s not just people being here, or noise. There’s some reason it doesn’t like us.”
“It could be magic,” Rarity suggested.
“I don’t like blaming things on magic,” Rainbow said.
“Even in Equestria things still happen for a reason,” Rarity agreed. “Magic or not, there’s a cause.”
“Let’s look around for clues,” Applejack said.
“Back in a jiffy!” Dash said, zipping off in a blur of speed… which didn’t reappear.
“Let’s look around for clues, and if she ain’t back by the time we’re finished, we’ll look around for her too,” Applejack sighed, correcting herself. “Nobody else run into the woods, alright? I don’t want nobody gettin’ eaten tonight.”
“That’s what she said,” Rainbow mumbled.
Applejack gave her a look.
“I have a concussion!”
“And a big mouth,” Applejack retorted.
“You never complained about my mouth before.”
“Is this really the time for this sort of talk?” the human Rarity asked, her cheeks bright pink. “It’s so, so…!”
“Uncouth?” Rarity suggested.
“Yes, exactly!”
“Darling, they couldn’t find couth on a map with a compass and guidebook,” Rarity said. “That’s what makes them perfect for each other.”
“Hey, Ah’m couth,” AJ countered.
“That’s because you weren’t raised in a barn,” the human Rarity huffed.
“Is that a joke about horses?” AJ asked. “Because as a matter of fact, I actually was more or less raised in a barn on account of--”
“It’s an expression, darling. Don’t overthink it.”
Rarity shook her head and started looking around for clues while the pair of couples did their own thing, mostly arguing with each other. It would have been endearing if there wasn’t a cannibal monster on the loose.
She stopped, having spotted something half-hidden behind a bush. Rarity stopped to kneel down, needing a better look as she wasn’t typically quite so far from the ground. It was a cheap, waterproofed cardboard box with a spigot on the side and a stock picture of ruby liquid being poured into a glass along with deliberately incomprehensible cursive writing.
“Boxed wine?” she mumbled. “Why is this here?”
Someone ran out of the woods and then nearly right out of her. Dash yelped and stopped in her usual way, which meant tripping.
“Woah!” Dash yelped. “Sorry. I keep getting turned around. These woods really need like, flags and signs.”
“Darling,” Rarity sighed. “It’s the woods. Trees don’t come with lane markers.”
“They would if I designed the world. Hey, is this yours?” Dash asked, nudging the box of wine that now had a footprint on it. “Are you sneaking wine? If you share I promise not to tell anyone else.”
“I am not sneaking wine. I’m an adult. Most of the time. I drink responsibly.”
“That seems like something I should learn to do. So should we crack this open?”
“No, it’s a clue--”
“Alright, we all agree!” AJ called out. “Horse Rarity, you there?
Rarity brushed herself off and stood up. “I’m a pony, not a horse, and Horse isn’t part of my name.”
“We’re gonna look for clues,” Rainbow cut in. “We thought about driving out, but that won’t help next time Human Applejack has family here. We’re monster hunting experts, so it makes sense for us to look into this. Most monsters have like, a lair or some reason they’re upset, we’re gonna try to figure this thing out.”
Rarity nodded. “I actually agree with you, darling. These woods aren’t even a tenth as dangerous as the Everfree Forest. As long as we’ve all got torches we should be fine.”
“We don’t have torches, we’ve got flashlights,” Dash said. “You’ll love these things, they’re way better than burning rags on a stick!”
“It’s another word for-- never mind, you are trying to be helpful,” Rarity sighed, taking one of the flashlights offered to her, something balanced between being rugged enough to swing as a club but not too heavy for her ladylike sensibilities.
“Right so, we’ll split up and use the buddy system,” Rainbow said. She put her hands on her hips. “I’ll go with Applejack. There’s a trail down to the lake we were on before, and it’s pretty small so we can jog around it in an hour, tops. People put stuff near water so it’s a good place to check.”
“And I’ll go with AJ,” the human Rarity said quickly. “If she can avoid throwing me into the arms of the creature itself, she presumably knows the area better than anyone. We heard the noise on the hiking trail, you heard it on the lake, presumably there could be something between them, yes?”
“Good idea,” Rainbow agreed. “And Rarity, um…”
“Your human counterpart and I can search around the cabin,” Rarity suggested. “Since neither of us has gone far in the daytime, doing it at night is doubly risky. Perhaps we can find some trail the monster left behind.”
“Cool. Our first priority is safety, second is solving the mystery,” Rainbow said, with the wisdom that came from putting those two in the wrong order for most of her life and learning about consequences.
“And most of all, being the first ones to solve it,” Dash countered, with the anti-wisdom that came when someone realized they could turn something into a competition.
“Good luck, darling,” the other Rarity said with a smirk. “Try not to set anything on fire while you’re ‘solving’ things, hm? Maybe listen to the older, wiser person in your group?”
“I’m not that much older than you,” Rarity said dismissively.
Rainbow and Applejack both immediately fought back laughter. Rarity hissed at them until they stopped.
“Anyway, if you see anything, make a lot of noise,” Rainbow said, still holding back laughter.
“I have something for that!” Dash said. She ran off in a blur and reappeared with a small box. “These came with the fireworks I got from the sketchy guy in the tent. They’re snappers. You throw them on the ground and they make a loud popping sound! But they don’t make a cool explosion, so I just sort of tossed ‘em on the side.”
“Better than nothing,” Applejack said, taking a few. “If y’all find anything, come right back here. Sound good?”
“Yep,” AJ agreed. “Call it two hours and we head back either way?”
“Yeah. Figure on one hour out, one hour back,” Applejack agreed. “If you ain’t back after that, we’ll go lookin’ for you.”
“Go team pony!” Dash yelled, putting her hand out. Everyone joined in a circle, overlapping hands like they were cheerleaders, and broke into teams with a cheer. Which, unfortunately, left Rarity alone with the extremely excitable human teenager again.
They stood in silence for a few moments before Dash ruined things. “Okay, so, I gotta admit, I’ve been holding back a big question.”
“Is it about if I’ve seen a creature like that Beast before in Equestria?” Rarity asked.
“Huh? Nah,” Dash shrugged. “You’d have said something already if you knew what it was. Actually it’s about you and your Applejack.”
“Oh?”
“I wanted to know if you dated when you were our age. I’m not jealous or anything, but I wanna know if there’s some huge argument or problem that they’re gonna run into later.”
Rarity sighed. “No, things never worked out that way for us.”
“Why not? They seem to get along pretty well.”
“And I get along with my Applejack just fine! Simply not in a romantic way. I can’t speak for your friends, but… we had every opportunity. We grew up in the same town, we went to the same school. Perhaps I was the problem.” She sighed. “I was a very stubborn filly. I’ve lightened up quite a bit, but I was obsessed with status and refinement.”
“Oh yeah, I can see how that might be a problem. Applejack isn’t exactly…”
“She can be perfectly ladylike when she wants. She can even drop her accent if she tries. But she doesn’t feel the need to. She prefers to be true to herself, which I can respect.”
“Huh.”
“However, like I said, I was stubborn. Respect wasn’t on the menu. Not for anyone without a noble title. I wanted to marry a prince, and I’ve only recently grown out of that phase.”
“Wow, I figured you’d just say you were straight.”
“What’s ‘straight’?”
“Good question,” Dash said. She looked around the dark yard behind the cabin, leaving the question there.
“So,” Rarity said, a minute later. “I suppose we’re supposed to stay here?”
“We could drink that wine you found.”
Rarity gave her a look.
“Okay fine, we’re searching around the cabin,” Dash corrected. “That doesn’t mean we sit on our butts and wait.”
“I doubt there’s much to find,” Rarity said. “But maybe it’s for the best. You did get lost in the woods once already.”
“I was going at superspeed and it’s dark and it wasn’t my fault!”
“Of course not, anyone could get turned around.”
“Yeah but what I mean is, there were extenuating circumstances,” Dash said. “I promise, my sense of direction isn’t that bad, it’s just that the other cabin got me turned around because I thought I went in a circle.”
“Other cabin?”
“See?” Dash said. She and Rarity hid behind a fallen tree, looking at the cabin. It was set back in the woods, half-hidden by brush except on one side. It didn’t look anything like the Apple family cabin, but with Dash’s sense of space, detail, and the gloom of the nighttime woods it wasn’t surprising it confused her.
“It’s certainly not supposed to be here,” Rarity said. “Your Applejack told us that this was all Apple Family land.”
“We should check it out, right?” Dash asked.
“Of course we should. You’re lucky you came with me, darling. Back in Equestria I’m considered quite the detective!”
“Really?”
“Oh yes. Though, I admit I haven’t brought the proper hat for the occasion, so I’ll have to make do as a keen teenaged investigator. It’s a slightly different genre to the noir that I prefer, but you can be my plucky sidekick!”
“I have no idea what all that means in pony-talk, but we’re going to check the place out, right?”
“Yes, that is essentially what I said-- where are you going?!”
“Uh, to check it,” Dash scoffed. She walked right up to the front door like she wasn’t worried about a giant monster in the woods and looked at it. She knocked. No one answered. She waited a moment, then kicked the door, trying to pop it open. Despite being poorly maintained and the wood being visibly warped, the door remained stubbornly closed.
“Rainbow Dash what are you doing?!” Rarity hissed. “That’s incredibly rude!”
“We’re hunting monsters, we’re allowed to be rude,” Dash countered. “What if someone’s in here and they’re hurt because of the Beast and couldn’t get to the door? We could be saving a life!”
“That logic is thinner than a pegasus’ summer dress line.”
“I have no idea what that means, but I’m still right anyway so I’m going to ignore it and do what I want.” She kicked the door again. “Dangit. On TV that always works first time!”
“Let me,” Rarity sighed. She pulled a hairpin from her locks and knelt down to look at the other lock to which it might be applied, breaking it in half to make a torsion bar and pick before feeling for pins.
“Do you know how to do that?” Dash asked.
“It’s not as hard as you think for common locks,” Rarity said. “You apply tension, feel for the pins holding the lock body closed, and work them into the proper arrangement. It’s about feeling for them binding in the core and learning the right order…”
She wiggled the tools for a few minutes, wishing she had her magic to make things easier, but even struggling with unfamiliar limbs it was a very poorly-made lock with loose tolerances and it took only a few minutes. Minutes Dash spent complaining about how long it was taking.
“There,” Rarity said, as the tension all released at once, the lock clicking open. “A simple matter. Every lady should learn the delicate arts.”
“I’m trying to decide if that’s like, a euphemism for something,” Dash mumbled.
“It is,” Rarity agreed. “Now get inside, your complaining made so much noise I’d be shocked if the Beast didn’t know exactly where we were.”
The inside of the tiny cabin was a single room, so perhaps it was more like a shack than a proper home. Still, it had a surprisingly large bed, a kitchen, and even some relatively modern furniture in the form of a wardrobe, refrigerator, and stove.
It would have been cozy if they had been invited inside instead of breaking in.
“Huh,” Dash said. “I’ve gotta admit, I sort of expected a murder house.”
“What does a ‘murder house’ look like?” Rarity asked.
“It’d have more skulls and be totally filthy instead of only regular dirty,” Dash explained. “My mom loves these podcasts about serial killers and-- you know, maybe this isn’t the best time to talk about weirdo serial killers living in the woods.”
“It does seem like tickling the dragon’s tail.”
“Is that another euphemism?”
“Not when dragons are very real and dislike being tickled.”
“Yeah, okay. Fair.”
Rarity started looking around the cabin, and immediately found herself drawn to a few pictures on the table and wall. The pictures were of a middle-aged man, and were clearly quite faded from age. It took her a long few moments to realize who it was.
“That’s the old man!” she gasped.
“Which one?”
“From the petrol station!” Rarity said. “The one who stole… the box wine.” She gasped again. “I found the box outside the cabin, but I forgot about him!”
“Looks like he’s been living here for a while,” Dash said. She opened the fridge and made a pleased sound before pulling out a plastic package, a jar of mayonnaise, and a bottle of mustard. She rummaged around in a cabinet for a moment and produced a loaf of bread after a short search.
“What are you doing?” Rarity asked.
“What’s it look like?”
“It looks a lot like you’re making yourself a sandwich,” Rarity said. She folded her arms and scowled at the teen. Dash ignored it, letting the glare slide off her on a thick layer of not caring. She slapped disks of mystery meat and a thick smear of sauce on the bread.
“I haven’t eaten in like, hours,” Dash said. “And no offense, but as previously stated, I crave the meats. I’m an athlete, I gotta keep up with protein intake or else I’ll wither away like Fluttershy.”
“Meat is…” Rarity felt her stomach twist. “There are other ways to get protein, darling.”
“See if you were a dude that would totally be another euphemism.”
Rarity sighed and started looking around the rest of the cabin. Watching someone eat slices of processed meat wasn’t her idea of a good time, and the sheer amount of mayonnaise she’d seen put on the sandwich was enough to put her stomach off even if the rest hadn’t been involved.
She cautiously opened the wardrobe, expecting to find either the stash of a hoarder or moth-eaten antiques. Instead, she was surprised to find relatively tidy clothing hanging inside. She frowned and looked at one of the items.
“A dress?” she asked. “Why would he have a dress?”
There was more than one dress in there, all of them relatively simple and quite large in size, though as it was the human world Rarity had to admit she didn’t quite have an eye for sizes. It was still a bit odd.
“Maybe he wears them?” Dash suggested, talking with her mouth full. “There’s nothing wrong with that. Some guys look really good in dresses.”
Rarity looked back to tell her that even though she was objectively right, that was no excuse not to swallow before speaking, but her eyes were drawn to the kitchen window, where something huge and skull-faced loomed in the frame.
“Monster!” she yelped.
“Huh?” Dash asked. She looked over her shoulder and just barely, with the help of super-speed, managed to avoid being grabbed by a huge paw reaching through to snatch her. “Woah!”
“I knew we made too much noise!” Rarity whined. The creature stomped towards the front door. Rarity looked around and pointed at a window on the opposite side of the house. Dash nodded and abandoned what was left of her sandwich, trying to make as little noise as possible while opening it and slipping outside, offering Rarity a hand and helping her out just ahead of the creature bursting through the unlocked front door. It roared at them, the two escaping into the dark woods.
“Leave your flashlight off,” Dash whispered. “Otherwise it’ll see where we are!”
Rarity stumbled over a bush. “We can’t even see where we are!”
“Yeah! So it’s gonna be super lost!”
Their flight through the woods was both louder than Rarity would like, with every snapped twig or stumble making her feel like the Beast was breathing down their backs, and also directionless. Dash had no sense of direction at all, and worse than that, she had the kind of lack of direction that made her absolutely sure she was going the right way, no matter the evidence to the contrary.
Eventually, they pushed through a line of trees and found themselves on a trail, panting for breath.
“Wait a moment, darling,” Rarity said, taking deep breaths and trying to recover.
“Yeah sure, I’ll give you a second,” Dash said, pretending she wasn’t also winded. She turned on her flashlight and shone it down both directions the path went. “Okay cool, this is good.”
“You know where we are?” Rarity asked.
“Nah, I’ve got no idea. I was totally running blind. But a trail is good. Trails have to go somewhere, right?”
“I suppose that’s true,” Rarity agreed. She considered the left and right. Unfortunately, even her superior sense of direction wasn’t much use. There’d been so much confusion in the deep woods that she wasn’t sure how far they’d gone, much less the relative direction of the Apple Family cabin. “Do we go left or right?”
“Well, uh…” Dash hesitated. Rarity had seen this on her own Rainbow Dash before. She was trying to seem cool and confident and when she was actually neither. It was almost cute, and at least somewhat appropriate for someone who was still a teenager.
“I don’t know either,” Rarity assured her. “We could flip a coin. Like you said, a trail has to go somewhere. That’s true for both ends, yes?”
“I’m starting to think we should have gone left instead of right,” Rarity said.
“Flipping a coin was your idea. You don’t get to complain about which way it sent us,” Dash reminded her.
Rarity huffed. “A truly mature person can change their mind when they learn something new. For example, we learned that there’s nothing for a mile in this direction, and the trail is getting rougher.”
“That part’s right at least,” Dash admitted. “You might be starting to think we went the wrong way, but I’m starting to think there was a fork we missed and we’re off the main trail line.”
“So we should go back,” Rarity said.
Something wailed in the dark.
“Not feeling like that’s a great idea either,” Dash said.
Rarity sighed. “Shall we compromise? We set a time limit, and then if we haven’t arrived anywhere, we’ll go back and try the other direction.”
“I’ll try anything that isn’t splitting up. Pretty sure if we split up we’ll get eaten.”
“I’m not entirely sure about that, but…” Rarity frowned. “That monster certainly didn’t like us being in the cabin.”
“Maybe I should have offered it half of my sandwich,” Dash joked.
“Darling, I saw your sandwich and that would have only made it even more upset.”
Dash snorted. Ahead of them, something glinted in the moving lights of their torches.
“Hey, did you see that?” Dash asked.
“Perhaps we’ve arrived somewhere after all?” Rarity whispered. They crept forward, towards the glint and found…
“Gold!” Rarity gasped.
Dash nodded. “It’s the cursed Olmec treasure!”
The gold was half-hidden under a ragged tarp, and as their flashlights played over the hoard, Rarity could see crudely-molded coins, intricate sculptures, and more jewelry than she’d seen anywhere outside of Canterlot’s vaults themselves. It was obvious that it was only a portion of the whole, still half-buried in the earth and entangled with the roots of a twisted tree. To one side, a rusty shovel and milk crate with a few pieces of the hoard inside stood apart from the rest.
“I suppose that book wasn’t as silly as I thought,” Rarity said.
“The curse must be real too, so don’t touch anything,” Dash warned. “Otherwise you’ll turn into the Beast!”
“Curses are real,” Rarity agreed. “But I’m not sure that’s what we’re dealing with. Do you have those snappers?”
“Sure, why? If we use them the monster’s gonna know exactly where we are. It’s probably protecting this gold!”
“Exactly.”
“So, you set a trap using a bent tree branch, some rope, the tarp, and half of Dash’s snappers?” Applejack asked.
“Yes, as I’ve explained twice already,” Rarity sighed. “It was an exciting and action-filled sequence, and that’s why the so-called Beast is currently trapped under this tarp!”
She motioned to the tarp in question, where the Beast’s head poked out, looking annoyed at the group of teenagers.
“So-called?” Rainbow asked.
“Yes, you see, I put it all together after Dash and I found the second cabin,” Rarity explained. “You remember the old man we met at the gas station? The unpleasant one who warned us to stay away?”
“The one who smelled like the bottom of a cider bucket,” AJ supplied.
“Indeed! He’s been squatting on Apple Family land! It would be easy enough for him to move, of course, but he’s stayed because he found something.”
“The lost Olmec gold!” Dash squeaked.
“He must have come across it at some point, perhaps while drinking his cheap boxed wine,” Rarity continued. “Like his illegal domicile, it was also on Apple Family land, and rightly belongs to Applejack and her family. He also couldn’t move or sell it all at once on his own - that much gold, all at once? It would be impossible to get rid of. But a bit at a time, to various pawn shops and museums? He could trickle it out over time like a retirement fund, to pay for his bad habits. It must have terrified him when Applejack’s Aunt came to repair the cabin and fix it up, because it meant more people around to discover his treasure hoard!”
“He didn’t try to scare her off,” AJ reminded her.
“You’re right, of course. That’s because he hadn’t prepared his costume in advance. He must have read the same book Dash did, and decided to take advantage of the legend to convince everyone the beast and the curse were both real - then even if someone did find the gold, they’d think it was cursed and would leave it alone. He dressed up as the monster to scare us off and spread the legend, but it has backfired, because we are professional monster hunters!”
Rarity smirked and grabbed the so-called monster’s face.
“Behold, as I unmask… as I unmask…” she tugged a few times. “Hm.”
The Beast looked at her, growling, and Rarity realized she’d made one tiny error.
“Ah. I might be mistaken in some of my assumptions,” Rarity admitted.
The creature roared, and this close to it, Rarity could see the fangs and very real tongue and throat. She squealed and ran, the monster tore its way out of the tarp with what were also very real claws and very real monster strength, and six teenagers were fleeing through the woods.
Rarity fled like her life depended on it because she was absolutely sure it did depend on it. Something crashed through the woods behind her. Rarity screamed more.
“Help, we’re stuck!” Rainbow squeaked.
Rarity turned her flashlight on the voice and found AJ and Rainbow tied up together, their bodies pressed into one another and blushes spreading across their faces from the tight rope and tighter quarters.
“What--” Rarity started.
“Ah was tryin’ to get a lasso goin’ but it got all confused with these dang human hands!” AJ yelped.
“I tried to help her and got tangled!” Rainbow groaned. “I just don’t know what went wrong!”
“If you could find the end of the rope you can get us undone,” AJ said. “Ah don’t know where it slipped but--”
The other Rarity screamed. Rarity would recognize the mirror of her own terror-filled cries anywhere. It was a lot like hearing a recording of one’s voice but significantly less awful in some ways and more in others.
“Never mind, go help her,” AJ said. “Sounds like she needs more help than we do!”
Rarity nodded and ran towards the scream. Branches whipped at her face and body, and she feared for her clothing, but it was a small sacrifice to make if a life was in danger.
“What in the sisters’ names…” Rarity gasped, when she found them.
“Don’t come closer, there are thorns!” the other Rarity warned, whining. “Look at what they did to our clothing!”
She and Applejack had run through what looked at first glance seemed identical to any other scrub, but the hidden thorns had ripped their clothing to shreds while somehow avoiding breaking the skin. They only had loose tatters of clothing, and were cowering on the other side of the bush covering themselves as best they could.
“How does that even happen?” Rarity asked.
“I just don’t know--”
“--What went wrong, yes, yes, I’ve heard it before,” Rarity sighed. “Stay there. Maybe the thorns will keep the monster away.”
“What if it doesn’t?”
Rarity rubbed her temples. She was developing a headache that she’d previously only experienced when dealing with the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
“One of you has super strength and the other one has human… diamond… magic! I don’t know the words for it. Just get creative!” Rarity snapped. Something else snapped, too. A branch. She yelped and turned and--
“Oh hey, it’s you guys,” Dash said. “I heard screaming. I thought the monster got somebody.”
“Fortunately no,” Rarity sighed. “I think it’s past time we went back to the cabin, got in the van, and left.”
“I hate to cut and run, but you might be right,” Dash agreed. “Sorry, Applejack. We can grab some kinda anti-monster stuff and come back with the whole crew.”
“When you’re right, you’re right,” Applejack agreed. “Ah’d also really like some new clothing, please.”
“I found my Applejack and Rainbow Dash a few moments ago, we can get them on the way back,” Rarity said.
“Uh, back that way?” Dash asked, looking behind Rarity. “Like, directly that way?”
Rarity sighed. She knew the look on Dash’s face. “The monster’s right behind me, isn’t it?”
She turned, and the Beast roared in her face. Spittle hit her cheeks. She froze up, prey instincts telling her that it was time to simply wait and accept death as an inevitable result of her poor decisions.
“Petunia, stop that!” a gruff voice snapped.
The monster reeled back and looked to the side. The old man from the gas station was there, looking annoyed. He waggled a finger at her.
“I told you before not to scare people!” he said.
The monster warbled and lowered its head, speaking some kind of incomprehensible babble.
“Yes, I understand, they were rude to you,” the old man sighed. “But you know the Apple family’s nice enough to let us stay on their land, you can’t go around eating them or their guests. It ain’t polite.”
The monster sighed and nodded and made various apologetic sounds.
“You… know this creature?” Rarity asked.
“Well of course I know her!” the old man laughed. “She’s my wife! Let’s get you and your friends back to the cabin. It ain’t safe to be out in these woods at night. There’s all sorts of wild animals.”
“So she heard the Apples were using the cabin this weekend and was going to bring wine?” Rarity asked. “But when she saw we were teenagers she left it in the brush.”
“It’d be against the law,” the old man said. They’d made a campfire and were roasting hot dogs, for the humans, and vegetable skewers, for the ponies-turned-humans. “Petunia apologizes for spooking you. She thought your aunt would have let you know about her.”
“She probably forgot,” Applejack sighed. “Dangit. I need to have a chat with her when we get back. Can’t have this happen again next time someone comes up here.”
The Beast, Petunia, rumbled out a question.
“Haha, good one!” the old man laughed. The teenagers looked at him, confused. “She wanted to make sure none of y’all touched the cursed Olmec treasure. It’s what got her into this mess in the first place. It’s why she was tryin’ to scare you away.”
“I knew it was real!” Dash gasped.
“I think I understand now,” Rarity said. “You two were married, and she got cursed, and you decided to stay with her despite what happened! It’s a classic love story, like a reverse beauty and the beast!”
“Huh? Oh nah, she got cursed like a hundred years ago. I think she’s beautiful just the way she is!” The old man leaned over and kissed Petunia on the cheek. Skull. The cheek area of the skull.
“Ah.”
Rarity sighed and sat back, not knowing what to say to that. She looked over at her friends. AJ and Rainbow were sitting close to one another, and even though they’d been untied they were holding hands and sticking together. Applejack and the other Rarity had changed, and Rarity was quite certain they’d decided to help each other get dressed, though they’d swapped suitcases and Applejack had ended up with more frills and a tighter fit than usual, and the other version of herself was in slightly baggy flannel and jeans.
She stole a look at the only other single person there, the teenaged version of Rainbow Dash. was it possible that--
Dash farted and burped at the same time. She laughed about it.
Rarity abandoned the half-formed thought that had run through her mind.
“So, have you two felt any kind of… connection?” the other Rarity asked.
“Hm?” Rarity raised her eyebrow.
“I saw you looking at her. We arranged this whole weekend so you two could get to know each other. You can’t tell me you didn’t get anything out of it!”
“You… arranged things?” Rarity asked.
“Well, y’all seem so lonely sometimes,” AJ explained. “I thought, you know. If I’m datin’ Dash, and she’s datin’ Rarity, maybe that means…”
“I don’t think the math quite adds up how you’d hope,” Rarity said.
“We also assumed our Dash would be quite hopeless with me monopolizing Applejack,” the other Rarity giggled.
“Hey! We’re still young! We’ve got plenty of time to find someone special!” Dash snapped. “Right Rarity?”
Rarity’s eyebrow twitched.
“Are there any other monsters in the woods?” Rarity asked. “Perhaps a chupacabra who might be single? What about a sasquatch? A kelpie?”
