Tempest In an Actual Teapot
Starlight Glimmer knew it was going to be one of those days when she looked out her window and saw a gigantic teapot blocking the door to Twilight Sparkle's crystal castle. It was going to be a day taken up with dealing with ridiculous circumstances, usually involving herself being mortally embarrassed before the end.
That is, it was going to be a day with an A in the name.
When she opened the castle door she found a smug-looking Trixie standing in front of the teapot. That didn't surprise her. Her best friend Trixie was the single biggest cause of humiliating shenanigans in her life, after herself.
"Behold!" Trixie declared, placing one forehoof on her chest while gesturing back with the other. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has thwarted a dastardly attack on Twilight Sparkle's incredibly tacky house."
A voice from inside the teapot said, "I already told you, it wasn't an attack."
"And Trixie has even captured the perpetrator of this dastardly- no, wait," she paused, muttering to herself, "I just did 'dastardly.' Hm... 'evil?' No, no, too banal. 'Foul?' Hm, maybe, but..."
Starlight couldn't stop herself. "Perfidious?" she offered.
Trixie resumed her triumphant pose. "This PERFIDIOUS assault," she continued as if nothing had happened, "upon one of Equestria's most unfortunate yet still important public landmarks!"
"Would you mind letting me out of here?" the voice from inside the teapot asked.
"Hush, you," Trixie muttered. "Anyway, feel free to praise Trixie for her quick thinking and magical prowess!"
"Yeah, I'm gonna hold off on that," Starlight said wryly. She walked past Trixie and gave the teapot a gentle tap. It rang quietly. "Are you all right in there?" she asked.
"Aside from having my vehicle transmogrified into some kind of pottery," the voice said, "yes, I'm all right in here. I'd be even more all right out of here."
"Holding off on that one for the moment, too," Starlight replied. She turned back to Trixie and said, "Let's hear your story first."
"But of course!" Trixie posed again, as if she were on stage, and began, "The Great and Powerful Trixie just happened to be passing through this podunk hamlet when she-"
With a flick of magic Starlight tugged Trixie's wizard hat down over her eyes. "Without embellishments, please."
"Okay, okay, okay!" Trixie muttered, pushing her hat back into place with one hoof. "I was coming over for breakfast because hey, free food, when I saw this big metal clanking thing with a cannon on the front rolling up the road towards Twilight's castle."
"It's a Mark Two Sidewheeler semi-amphibious automobile turreted howitzer!" the voice from the teapot snapped. "Or I should say it was one."
"It had a big cannon on the front," Trixie said. "And it didn't look like a party cannon to me."
"Definitely not," the teapot voice agreed. "More like a 'party's over' cannon."
"Exactly!" Trixie cried, gesturing to the teapot. "Even she agrees with me!"
"Yes," the voice said. "We're getting along marvelously now. So how about you get me out of here?"
"Wait a moment," Starlight said. "Big metal clanking thing." She tapped the giant teapot again. The resulting sound was less clank and more clink. "Am I missing something?"
"Only the greatest and most powerful feat of transformation magic ever-"
Trixie's hat got tugged down again.
"-all right, already!" Trixie shouted, this time needing both hooves to fix her hat. "I really couldn't care less about Sparkle, but I didn't want you to get blown up. And the only thing I could think of to stop it was to change it into something else. And it just seemed too big to be a teacup, so..." She gestured, less triumphant but still pasting a smile on her muzzle, to the results.
"What does a teacup have to do with it?" the voice asked.
"Long story," Starlight sighed. On the one hoof this really was a significant advance in Trixie's magical skills, but... on the other hoof, now seemed like exactly the wrong time to encourage her.
"Anyway, I was just about to go fetch a sledgehammer when you came out," Trixie said. "No need to be lavish with your praise and gratitude. One medal will be sufficient. With a suitable awards ceremony, of course."
"We'll see about that," Starlight said. She turned her attention back to the teapot. "Are you actually in there, or did she make you part of the teapot?"
"I'm still me," the voice said. "But when I try to get out myself, the thing wobbles. And I don't want to break it! This is a one-of-a-kind prototype!" Pause. "Well, it was. Now it's just a big piece of crockery."
"Well, that's good... ish," Starlight said with a slight cringe. "Let's begin with your name."
"Fizzlepop Berrytwist," the voice said. "But if I stay in here much longer, I might try Tempest Shadow back on for size!"
"Tempest- that's that pony!" Trixie gasped. "Starlight, you stay right there! I'm going to go get that sledgehammer!"
"Look, whoever you are," the voice snapped, getting genuinely angry, "the only reason you haven't already got a face full of fireworks is that I want my howitzer back in one piece! You even try a sledgehammer, and-"
"Let's all try to stay calm," Starlight squeaked. "Trixie, Twilight has shown me some of Fizzlepop's letters. She's turned over a new leaf."
"A tea leaf," Trixie sneered.
"Har-de-har-har," Fizzlepop's voice echoed from the teapot. "Get me out of here and turn my howitzer back to normal or I'll reform from reforming, get me?"
"Why exactly were you driving a... er... howitzer to the front door of Twilight's castle anyway?" Starlight asked hurriedly.
"Because I wanted Twilight Sparkle to see it!" Fizzlepop said. "The Storm King specialized in aerial blitz warfare, but he was working on stuff like this for when shock-and-awe failed. And if we want to keep Equestria safe and secure, we need to study this technology before someone else uses it on us!"
"We have no need of mechanical monstrosities!" Trixie declared. "Equestria is safe so long as you have the Great and Powerful Trixie among you!"
"Didn't I have you in chains within ten minutes of the Storm King's fleet arriving in Canterlot?" Fizzlepop asked.
"Well..." Trixie allowed herself to show uncertainty for only a moment. "That was just to lull you into a false sense of security while Trixie developed her master plan to save everyone!"
"Let's not get off topic," Starlight said. "So, your story is that you were minding your own business, bringing a heavy weapon here for Twilight to inspect."
"That's right. One minute I was smelling oil and fumes, and the next..." A echoey clink-clink sound came from inside the pot. "... I'm smelling chamomile and jasmine. Not a great mixture in my opinion." The clink-clink repeated. "On the other hoof, it is a lot more roomy in here now."
"And you," Starlight said, turning to Trixie, "saw a scary-looking thing and panicked."
"Trixie does NOT panic!" Trixie insisted, stomping the ground with a hoof. "I exercised quick reaction and out-of-the-box thinking!"
"TEAPOT!!" Starlight shouted, waving a hoof at the offending object.
"No, no," Trixie said. "You need to give it a flourish, like... TEAPOT!"
There was a flash of light, and the giant teapot was replaced by another, much fancier, still giant teapot.
Starlight's hoof went to her face on pure reflex.
"If this was intended to be an improvement," Fizzlepop's voice called out, "I don't see it."
"What's going on out here?"
Trixie and Starlight looked at the door, where Twilight Sparkle stood wearing an expression of total confusion. To her credit, it didn't last long, as Twilight stared at the teapot, then at Trixie, then at the teapot. "Teacup spell?" Twilight asked.
"Teacup spell," Starlight agreed. "Twice."
"Hm. Tricky," Twilight said.
"That's 'Trixie.'"
Starlight yanked Trixie's hat down again.
"Trixie admits she deserved that one."
"Tricky but not difficult," Twilight said. Her horn glowed, there came a blinding flash, and the pretty giant teapot was replaced by a very ugly and frankly terrifying mechanism, with treaded wheels on each side and a huge cannon pointed directly at the arch of the castle doors.
A hatch flipped open in front of and to the right of the main gun's turret. A dark purple pony with a stump of a unicorn horn poked her head out. "Well, it's about time!" she shouted.
Twilight Sparkle's eyes widened. "Fizzlepop!" she gasped. "Is this a Mark Two Sidewheeler semi-amphibious automotive turreted howitzer? I've read about these!" She trotted over to the tank and bounced up onto the chassis next to Fizzlepop. "You've got to show me how it works! I want to know everything!"
"Well," Trixie said, making one final adjustment to her hat, "Trixie's job is done here. Let us be off to the free breakfast, where we can discuss the size of my medal."
Starlight just groaned and let her best-friend-but-sometimes-I-wonder-why lead her to the dining room.
Author's Note
Inspired when I saw a story titled "Tempest in a Teapot" on the Featured list this morning. Cranked this out in about an hour, for no better reason than it amuses me.
