The marriages of Anonby ImNew2023ChaptersRarity part 1Applejack part 1Twilight part 1Luna part 1Pinkie part 1Celestia Part 1Rarity part 1In the small town of Ponyville, the Rarity opened her Boutique up for another day of business. The day was fairly hectic, but that was nothing unusual to the mare. Something else unusual for her was arguing with her younger sister Sweetie Bell during the lunch break. This particular argument was about Rarity’s husband, Anon. A peculiar pegasus, the green stallion had shown up in Ponyville a year back, since then the two had formed a relationship and married. Called the stallion of a thousand faces, Anon served as model for many of Rarity’s non feminine creations. Ranging from suits to nightwear, with her genius and his famous “Blue Steel” they helped spread Rarity’s business across Equestria. But as it would appear, not everyone was as enamoured with Anon’s work as his husband. “But sis!” Sweetie protested. “Sweetie Bell I’ve had enough of this, I don’t want you saying a thing against Anon. He’s a part of our family so go to your room until you’re ready to apologise” the older unicorn ordered her younger sister. Stomping her hooves against the floor in a small tantrum, Sweetie puffed out her cheeks in a pout. “But I’m right! He only has one look! Blue Steel? Ferrari? El Tigre? It’s the same face! Why hasn’t anypony else noticed!” Sweetie yelled, her face going red with anger. “Room. Now!” Rarity ordered. Letting out a yell of anger, Sweetie stomped upstairs, slamming her door shut hard enough to knock down several framed photos. What Rarity didn’t seem to understand was Sweetie was absolutely right. Anon, through sheer bullshit, had convinced the world that every face he made was different. Despite the fact they were all the exact same face. Responding to the noise, Anon emerged out of his and Rarity’s room, groggy and tired. “Is an army of Nibbily Pibblies attacking?” He asked, his eyes only half open as he stumbled downstairs. “I’m afraid not darling, Sweetie and I just had a small argument that’s all” Rarity explained as she levitated a cup of coffee to her husband. “About what? She doesn’t want to bring colts home does she?” Anon asked before taking a sip of his drink. Giggling slightly at the idea, Rarity shook her head at him. “Oh no nothing like that. But if it’s alright I’d rather not talk about it. I’m sure Sweetie will explain when she’s ready to apologise” Rarity replied. Taking a seat on the sofa, Anon continued chugging coffee from his “world’s sexiest husband” coffee mug he got as a birthday gift. Snuggling next to him, Rarity subconsciously started messing with the tangled mess that was Anon’s natural mane. The one thing she didn’t love about her husband was his natural hair. Without any conditioner or combing, Anon's natural hair was a tangled mess that only Pinkie Pie’s semi-sentient shrub of a hairdo could rival. “So how was Las Pegasus? You went straight to bed last night so we didn’t get to talk about it” Rarity asked. While he mainly worked with the Carousel Boutique and some smaller branches of Rarity’s fashion empire, Anon occasionally did runway work for larger fashion brands. His most recent work was done in Las Pegasus for Dier, a Deer fashion company that was trying to branch into Equestria. “Eh same old same old, they put me in whatever and I gave the old Blue Steel some work. I think we sold a few thousand piano key neckties that night. I think a mare threw her panties at me” Anon explained, the life of a supermodel having become a nine to five job for him at this point. “But enough about what I’ve been doing, how’s my genius, beauty goddess of a wife been while I was away?” Anon asked, running his muzzle against Rarity’s cheek as he did. “Oh you charmer. I’m starting to remember why I married you now~” Rarity laughed, returning his affection. “I thought it was the thousands of pieces of clothing I sold for you” Anon said. “That too,” Rarity replied. “And the fact I helped you get your business expenses under control” Anon continued. “That too,” Rarity replied again. “And my massive-“ Anon began before stopping himself. Looking around, Anon checked that Sweetie and her innocent ears weren’t listening. “Tracks of land” he continued, just to be on the safe side. Busting out into a louder laugh, Rarity had to suppress an unladylike snort. “Yes, I definitely love that. But no, I married you because you’ve proved time and time again there’s nopony else who I would chase the heights of the fashion world with than you” she explained. “What about your friends?” Anon asked. “They don’t have a “massive track of land” do they?” Rarity chuckled. “I don’t know, I’ve still got a fifty bit bet with Spitfire that Rainbow Dash is a guy” Anon half joked. Letting out another hysterical laugh, Rarity went from leaning on to falling into Anon’s lap as she tried to hold her sides in. The work day continued as usual until closing. Making dinner Anon sat down at the table waiting for his wife and sister in-law. A few minutes passed but no one came. Searching through the house he found Rarity in her workroom, sat by a sewing machine. “Hun? Dinner’s done” he said. Turning around Rarity gave a half hearted smile. “Sorry Darling, I’ll have to have it in here, I just got a huge order from Canterlot and I need to get it done. I need to make a thousand dresses by next week or I’ll miss the deadline” she explained. “A thousand in a week!? What kind of moron thinks that’s possible!?” Anon asked in shock at such an unreasonable request. “The kind that’s paying two hundred and fifty bits per dress” Rarity replied, leaving out the fact she got this order a month back but had to leave it due to her and the Elements having to fight off a hoard of Karens harassing the Cakes. So many managers died to save the town that day. “It’s alright Darling. I’ve done the maths, and if I pull an all nighter four nights in a row and I’ll get it done. Just in time for our day off as well” Rarity said, sounding like that wasn’t a terrible idea. Anon knew perfectly well he couldn’t convince her otherwise. Once something to do with clothes was involved even Princess Celestia herself couldn’t change her mind. Leaving the place on the side, Anon went back to the kitchen. Thinking the whole time on how to help his wife. A thousand dresses were a lot, even for Rarity. Even with her shop in Manehattan helping she couldn’t make that many and deal with her regular customers at the same time. Sitting down to eat his own meal, he noticed Sweetie still hadn’t come down for dinner. That’s when he hit mental gold. Taking his sister in-law’s food up to her door. Knocking on it Anon didn’t get any response. Deciding he had respected her privacy by knocking, Anon chose to assert his authority as the joint mortgage payer by going in anyway. Seeing the filly under her sheets, her horn poking out from under it, Anon approached. “Sweetie? You ok?” He asked. Pulling her sheet furthur over her head, Sweetie didn’t respond. “I made Zebrican curry, your favourite” Anon said as he placed the food on the bedside drawers. Slowly, Sweetie pulled the plate under her sheets. “Sweetie I don’t know what you and Rarity were arguing about but I need your help. Your sister is going to run herself ragged trying to get all those dresses done but I’ve got an idea” Anon said. He didn’t get any response. All he could hear was the sound of the filly eating her meal. “It might get you your cutie mark~” Anon suggested, playing into the filly’s desire to get a butt picture to act as a placeholder for personality. Slowly, Sweetie peaked out from under her sheets, a sceptical look in her eyes. “Fifty bits” she tried to haggle. “Twenty bits” Anon countered. “Thirty bits and a guarantee on getting a GameColt for my birthday” Sweetie haggled harder. “Deal” Anon agreed, seeing there was very little point in arguing. Two days later, Rarity found she was almost done with the dresses. It was all far ahead of schedule but somehow the storeroom was filled with hundreds of pristine dresses. She didn’t understand how, but her only conclusion was that she zoned out during all her work over the last two nights. The one other thing she seemed to notice was out of place was that Sweetie and Anon seemed to be spending a lot more time together. It was normal for them to play a few games together, Anon seemed to have gotten the hang of spending time with foals due to his exposure to Sweetie on a daily basis. But they seemed to be almost sneaking off together whenever she saw them. Deciding to find out what was going on, Rarity followed them into the basement. Usually Rarity stored all her spare fabrics down there, although Anon had an extension built for their anniversary. It was a smaller sealed off room they used for “activities” they didn’t want Sweetie discovering. Watching Anon use the key only he and herself had, Rarity watched in horror as Anon led Sweetie into their private basement. Fearing the worst, Rarity stormed after them, hoping to save her sister from being scarred for life. “Get your hooves off my sister you vile bea-“ Rarity demanded before her speech was suddenly frozen. Instead of the adult “toys” she had filled the room with, Rarity found nothing of the sort. No whips, no gags, no dog collars with her name on the tag. All she found were a dozen chairs. Each of them with a foal she recognized sat in them, working on a sewing machine making dresses in various stages of completion. “Uh oh” the worried voice of Sweetie Bell called out. Turning around, Rarity saw Anon and Sweetie standing with Applebloom and Scootaloo. “Who. Who are these foals?” Rarity stuttered. “Erm… Mama’s little helpers?” Anon said. “Anon, what’s going on here or else” Rarity stated. “Well, you see I wanted to help you so you didn’t burn yourself out on these dresses so I chose to help you by harnessing the oldest industry known to my people” Anon began to explain. “And that is?” Rarity asked. “Chi- I mean foal labour” Anon said. “And we’re helping” Sweetie added. “Helping!?” Rarity gasped. “Cutie Mark Crusaders Sweatshop Managers… yay?” They said in unison. Turning her attention back to Anon, Rarity’s eyes were now twitching from tension. “Now two more questions. What were you thinking and where did you put all the… spare supplies we were keeping in this room?” Rarity asked, choosing her words carefully when around so many foals. “Well I thought it would help and I was right. Put a few cups of triple espresso and they’ll work at lightspe-“ Anon began. “I’m sorry you’ve been giving them what!?” Rarity interrupted. Looking at one of the foals, Rarity saw the dilated pupils as he smiled widely as he focused on his work. The little propeller on his hat spinning constantly. “This coffee stuff is way better than video games” he giggled as he kept working. “As for the “spare supplies” in our room” Anon explained. Reaching in he put his muzzle against Rarity’s ear. “And don’t worry I scrubbed this place with industrial strength apple scented bleach before I let them in” he whispered. “Anon, send these foals home now or I’ll leave a hoof print on your flank so hard it’ll look like you’ve got two cutie marks, and don’t say anything because nothing will make me-“ Rarity ordered before being interrupted. “We’ve only got fifty dresses left” Anon explained. Stopping to let that info sink in, Rarity’s eyes widened further than they ever had. “Well, if they’re already working on dresses there’s no point stopping them” Rarity caved. And so Rarity got that order done and with the profits the three ponies went on a well earned holiday. Although when they returned, Sweetie found a dog collar with her sister’s name on it hidden behind a sink. Now she thinks she’s getting a dog. Applejack part 1Sweet Apple Acres had seen a lot of family members come and go since it was founded. But while Granny Smith, Big Macintosh, Applejack and Applebloom were the model of a farm family, Applejack’s husband Anon broke the mould. Opposed to his hard working rustic in-laws, the green earth pony was an accountant. He had been doing the family’s taxes along with most of the town’s since he arrived a year earlier. Having grown smitten with each other, Applejack along with the whole Apple clan welcomed Anon into their family. The whole clan except for Granny Smith. “Don’t tell me how to run my farm, you orange lovin soft belly!” The ancient mare snapped at her son in-law. Sat with a series of spreadsheets covering the table, Anon looked back at the old mare with a frown. “Mrs Smith you can get mad all you want but the maths is right. The farm’s profit margins have halved in the last quarter” Anon said, picking up one of the sheets. “See? Sales across the board are down” Anon stubbornly stated as he pointed at the red line going down. “Numbers, charts, back in my day we didn’t need all of this fancy gobbledygook! We had a book that told us how many apples we had and how many we sold” Granny replied, dismissing the young stallion’s maths and education. “You- you don’t even keep track of how much money you make?” Anon asked, his eye twitching slightly. “I know how much an apple is, ain’t my fault some pencil neck from Canterlot doesn’t” Granny said defensively. Before Anon could murder his grandmother in-law, Applejack walked in, a saddle bag on her back with a basket of apples on each side. “What in tar-nation are y’all yappin about?” She asked. “Your husband is disrespecting our culture and traditions that’s what” Granny said. “Correction, I’m trying to tell your grandmother that the farm’s finances are going into the Red and her senile rump is acting like it’s my fault” Anon replied. Going over to the table, Applejack looked at the charts. “Where are all our sales going?” Applejack asked. “I have an answer for that” Anon said, walking to a cabinet and pulling out a bag of green apples with a logo on it. The symbol was that of an apple with a sun on it. “This is a bag of Sunny Farms apples, they’re a company that owns a lot of farms out east, their apples cost three bits a bag of ten while ours cost one hit per apple” Anon explained. Both mares took an apple from the bag and started eating them. “That tasted just like our apples!” Granny Smith said, shocked at the quality of the apples. “Eeyep” Anon said. “How can pines afford to sell at such low prices?” Applejack asked. “Simple. They’ve gone mechanised so they can produce more than us in less time” Anon said. “How are we supposed to compete with that?” Applejack asked. With his wife’s family home in danger, Anon began to form a plan in his mind. “Don’t worry AJ, your big strong studly stallion will handle this” Anon said, puffing out his chest. “I don’t think Big Mac has the answer” Granny Smith stated. Once again Anon had to remind himself that he can’t kill his grandmother in-law. This was a regular occurrence since marrying Applejack. The next day, the Apple family went through their daily routines. Applejack had returned from town with a magazine listing various mechanical apple harvesters being introduced around Equestria. The one member of the family not there was Anon. Usually he was at his accounting firm’s office in town, but as Applebloom returned from school she had some disturbing news. “What do ya mean he ain’t at work?” Applejack asked. “I went past it on the way home, and the sign said closed” Applebloom said. “Applejack!” Granny called out. Heading back to the house, Applejack and Applebloom saw Granny Smith sat in her rocking chair, a letter in hoof addressed to Applejack. Dear AJ I’ve had to go east for something very urgent. Don’t worry it’ll solve your money issues if it works. Specifically YOUR money issues because I’m rolling in it. I mean seriously how did nopony in town think of just not paying taxes until I started doing it for them. Plus renting out my old house once I moved in is giving some steady income. But enough about that. Love you lots, my plump and juicy orange filly. Will get lube on the way home. Love, Anon. “We’re doomed” Applejack stated. “What’s lube?” Applebloom asked, having read the letter herself over her sister’s shoulder. … In the east of Equestria, Anon put his plan into action. After being transported there by the ever reliable public train system, Anon purchased five hundred glass sculptures from an independent artist (CelestiaBucks worker) he tracked down a number of diamond dog strongholds hidden beneath the woodlands and wilds of the region. With very little convincing, Anon gave them the glass sculptures posing as crystals. Using them he paid them to burn down the Sunny Farm’s orchids. Watching their orchids go up, a pink unicorn stallion in a fancy suit tried to console his crying wife, who herself was a light orange earth pony. “Heeeeey, sorry about your farm there” Anon said, sliding his way next to them. “Oh it’s not my farm, I just modernised it after my wife’s parents retired” the unicorn explained. “I see, sorry about your farm ma’am” Anon gave his fake condolences to the crying mare. “Five generations, the apple family has farmed this land for five generations!” She sobbed. “… I’m sorry, what?” Anon asked. … Watching Big Mac operate a tractor with a large box on the back, the girls marvelled as a hoover-like nozzle sucked up apples faster than bucking trees ever could. “It sure was nice of cousin Gear Heart to give us one of his fancy apple harvesters” Applebloom said, watching as the machine she had already been told 10 times she can’t drive did its job. “Darn tootin, we’ll be able to finish the harvest nearly two whole weeks early” Applejack agreed. “Which’ll be good when you have to go east to help cousin Wild Orchid get her farm back back up and runnin” Applebloom said. With her own farm safe, Applejack went east to help her extended family rebuild from the ashes. Because Apples who grow together, stay together. And what of Anon you ask? Besides getting exclusive rights to accounting for Gear Heart’s company for helping him discover tax evasion, Anon was punished by his wife once he got home. His tomfoolery, because there was no way Applejack didn’t immediately know it was him, landed our plucky protagonist in hot water. Confined to sleeping on the sofa, Anon grumbled to himself. “I try to help, it turns out I’m related to the ponies I committed arson against. I hate this family and it’s rabbit like breeding habits” Twilight part 1“I’m telling you the moon is made out of cheese” Anon said. It had been two years since Twilight Sparkle had moved to Ponyville, and eight months since she married the unicorn known as Anon. The mysterious stallion just appeared out of nowhere one day. Nopony knew who he was or where he came from, only that against all odds, Twilight fell in love with him. Even though he has some very… interesting ideas. “Anon the moon isn’t made out of cheese. That is a scientific impossibility” Twilight replied using logic and basic common sense. Things alien to Anon. She loved her husband dearly, but sometimes his blatant insanity wasn’t particularly appealing. “Then what did Princess Luna eat for a thousand years then?” Anon asked rhetorically. Now there he had her stumped. While she could simply ask the princess, Twilight refused out of principle to allow a ruler of Equestria’s time to be wasted with this argument. So borrowing a trick that Anon used whenever the Cutie Mark Crusaders bothered him, Twilight gave him a smirk. “Ah, the old Bring Democracy to Cuba ruse” she thought to herself. “Alright Anon, I’ll admit the moon is made out of cheese if you can bring back indisputable evidence” Twilight challenged. “I know it’s made out of cheese, being right isn’t really a reward” Anon argued. Thinking for a moment, she searched through her memories for something she could offer, something he wanted desperately enough to take her challenge. “Alright, if you prove the moon is made out of cheese, I’ll let you tie me up and do whatever you want to me~” Twilight offered, fluttering her wings suggestively. “We already do that every night you sub” Anon pointed out. “I do mean anything~” Twilight stated. That’s when the look of first utter shock then pure joy crept onto Anon’s face. “You mean, BUTT STUFF!?” Anon said excitedly, wagging his tail like a dog at the promise of the one treat Twilight was reluctant to give. Full of confidence, Anon retreated to the celler he had dug under the castle in order to give himself room to work on his projects. And produce copious quantities of bootlegged alcohol which helped pay the bills quite a bit. Sat at his desk, Anon scribbled schematics for a rocket onto his drawing paper. It was a fairly simple design, and by that I mean the uninspired hack copy-pasted Wallace’s rocket from a Grand Day Out. “Hey Anon, my new Power Ponies comic just got here if you wanna read together” Spike offered as he waddled down the steps into the cellar. “Not really Spike, you know I dislike Power Ponies. Prefer my own work” Anon rebuffed. “You do remember you got in trouble when you tried selling comics like that right? They made a whole new law about violence in foals comics because of it” Spike reminded his brother-in-law/step-dad/co-owner. “Judge Dredd was too perfect for this world” Anon sighed. “You had somepony die on the first page” Spike reminded him. “He broke the law” Anon argued. Rolling his eyes, Spike looked up onto the desk, curious what the green protagonist was working on. “Are you making a rocket?” Spike asked. “Yep” Anon replied. “Why?” Spike asked. “To get to the moon” Anon replied. “Why?” Spike asked again, this time his voice sounding a little concerned. “Because if I prove to Twilight it’s made out of cheese she'll let me put my shlong up her butthole” Anon explained. Holding in the vomit, Spike shuddered slightly. “You wanna come with me? Be the first dragon on the moon?” Anon offered. Thinking for a second Spike shrugged his shoulders. “Eh, sure” he agreed. “Good because I broke one of my saw-horses and I need a replacement” Anon explained. Now far less enthusiastic, Spike let the wooden door rest on his head as Anon began sawing it in half for building materials. The rest of the week was spent finishing the rocket. When done it took up most of the cellar, a bright coat of orange paint covering it. “Right we’ve got everything let’s test this bad boy out” Spike said climbing the ladder into the cockpit. Looking back, he saw Anon rummaging through the bags the duo had filled with picnic supplies. “Everything ok Anon?” He asked. “Crackers Spike, we almost forgot the crackers” Anon explained as he went back upstairs to fetch the much needed crackers. Heading into the kitchen Anon saw Twilight and her friends gathered enjoying their lunch. “Afternoon girls” Anon greeted. “Hey Nonny” Pinkie greeted back. “So have you proved the moon is made out of cheese yet?” Dash joked. “Almost” Anon replied. Rolling her eyes, Twilight went back to her sandwich. “I can sense when you do that” Anon said, being able to tell when his wife rolls her eyes. Truly the most useful superpower in any marriage. “Anon, you’ve been going around town telling everypony you’re building a rocket to prove the moon is made out of cheese. It’s kind of hard not to roll my eyes” Twilight said. “Still you could act less embarrassed, this is that giant sandwich competition all over again” Anon replied as he packed his saddle bag with as many crackers as he could. “You entered ME into that giant sandwich competition” Twilight reminded him. “Hey, they mislabeled that contest. “Equestria’s biggest sub” is a false advertisement” Anon defended himself. Blushing profusely, Twilight tried to block out the giggling and snickering of her friends. “Anon, sweetie” she said, grinding her teeth together as she did. “Yes Bookworm?” Anon responded as he pulled out his custom cheese knife and cheese knife accessories from the cupboard before packing them. “Please don’t bring our bedroom life up when we have guests, it’s bad enough you did it when Shining and Cadence came around” she requested, her teeth grinding getting audibly louder. “Why not? Cadinator and I bonded over that. Although now I mention it the next time they came around Shining was walking funny” Anon replied. Before he could face the full wrath of the now beet red princess, Anon trotted downstairs where Spike was waiting for him. “Alright Spike, light the fuse and we’ll be off” Anon said as he entered the rocket. Lighting the fuse Spike followed Anon quickly into the rocket and closed the door behind him. Sitting in his armchair Anon watched Spike messing with the controls waiting to guide them to the moon. “I feel like we’ve forgotten something” Anon mused. He had the crackers, some picnic supplies. What could he have forgotten? “Oh shit I forgot to build an opening!” Anon called out in panic. The rocket shot off with the force of a bullet, punching its way through the dirt as it flew into the skies over Equestria, destroying Rainbow Dash’s cloud home in the process. “Groooooooomiiiiiiiiiiiiit!” Anon cried out in fear. “Whooooooooooooooooooos Grooooooomiiiit!?” Spike asked, confused who Anon was talking about. Watching the rocket leave their sight from the ground, the Main 6 wore a matching sight of shock. “Hey Twilight… now you’ve lost your husband and your assistant. Can I move in?” Rainbow asked. … “I don’t know what you were so scared of Spike, that wasn’t so bad” Anon chuckled as the rocket left the atmosphere. Cleaning up the large wet stain by the foot on Anon’s chair, Spike rolled his eyes. “Only a few hours until we touch down, how about a game of cards while we wait?” Anon suggested. “That… actually sounds fun” Spike agreed. They did play cards. And Anon lost, despite cheating several times. … Rushing to Canterlot, a distressed Twilight met with Princess Celestia and Luna. “Twilight, what’s the matter?” Celestia asked. “Princesses, I’m so sorry for interrupting you but it’s Anon. He’s shot himself and Spike into space and I need help getting them back” Twilight said in a rushed panic. Confused, Celestia and Luna looked at each other before looking back to Twilight. “Why would he do such a thing?” Luna asked. Sighing, Twilight looked embarrassed before reluctantly telling the two alicorns the truth. “Well, Anon’s trying to get to the moon to prove it’s made out of cheese because I promised him we’d try… bedroom things, if he could. But I didn’t think he’d actually try!” Twilight explained. While Celestia seemed almost amused at the idea, Luna seemed very worried. “W-wait a moment, you mean Prince Anon is attempting to get to the moon… to EAT it?” She nervously asked. “Yes? Why?” Twilight asked, tilting her head in confusion at Luna’s sudden change of emotion. “N-no reason. But we should probably get there and stop him before he eats any of the rocks… for his health” Luna said, wiping away some sweat from her brow. Together, the three alicorns cast a multi-hour spell that sent them to the moon. Arriving on the satellite's rocky surface the three alicorn took a second or two to adjust to the lower gravity. Looking around them, the three princesses saw strange two foot tall pillars dotting the surface for miles. In a large opening, they spotted Anon and Spike sitting on a picnic blanket eating some of the moon’s rocks on crackers. “Wensleydale?” Anon asked, getting a head shake from the baby dragon. “I’ve got to say lad this is like no cheese I’ve ever tasted. Let’s try another spot” Anon said as he started packing away the picnic. “Anon!” Twilight yelled as she tackled her husband, rotating between kissing and choking the stallion. In other words, Friday night. “I can’t believe you two! You could have gotten hurt!” Twilight scolded them. “Sorry Twilight” Spike apologised. “Me too Hun, but I was right, the moon is made out of cheese” Anon said, holding up the half eaten rock on a cracker. “Prince Anon… I don’t think you should be eating that” Luna warned, her face going a deep colour as she and Celestia watched the couple. “Nonsense. Sure it tastes like fish but I remember the smell of cheese anywhere” Anon dismissed as he took another bite. Clicking onto what was happening, Celestia looked at her sister with a mildly judging look as sweat began pouring like buckets from Luna. “It was a long 1000 years” Luna muttered. Luna part 1In the halls of Canterlot castle, the thestral Prince Anon, husband of Princess Luna, was trying to clean up a mess he made. Frantically trying to glue a bust of his sister in-law Celestia back together, Anon muttered to himself. “It’s ok Anon it’s ok, this bust can’t be that old, it was just made ONE THOUSAND AND FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!? Oh my god I’m going to be sent to the moon!” Anon cried as he panicked. “Your Highness?” A voice asked. Jumping out of his skin Anon spun around to see Raven Inkwell standing there looking at him with a judging look. “Oh thank goodness it’s just you Rave, quick, grab a glue gun and help me” Anon sighed in relief as he went back to glueing. Looking over his fuck up, Raven rolled her eyes at the prince’s accident. “Did you try tying soap to your hooves again?” She asked. “I was trying to revolutionise cleaning and give the staff some much needed rest if that was what you meant” he replied. Liking her eyes, Raven continued with her mission. “If you’ll let one of the castle’s professionals handle it, perhaps you can come to see your wife, the Princess?” Raven asked. Hearing about his wife, Anon’s ears pointed upwards. “Luna? Is she hurt?” Anon asked. “No” Raven replied. “Sick?” Anon asked. “No” Raven replied. “She’s not horny again is she?” Anon asked, his tone going from worried to fearful. “No, but she refuses to leave her bathtub for some reason” Raven explained. Travelling to their room, Anon looked through the door to the en-suite. The deep blue tiles of the flooring were soaked with bubbly water. In a large ornate tub that could fit two ponies at least, Princess Luna was submerged inside. “Luny? Are you ok?” Anon asked as he gently threaded into the bathroom. Getting no response Anon walked closer. Resting his chin on the rim of the tub Anon looked at his wife’s stone face. Lazily, Luna let out a sigh, the water around her mouth becoming bubbles as a result. Lifting her head up slightly Luna faced her husband. “Elder Scrolls 6 is still two years away” Luna explained. Seeing what this was about Anon activated his good husband mode. “You want pina coladas?” Anon asked. “Yes please” Luna agreed. Mixing the drinks himself, Anon waited for Luna to dry herself off before they discussed her problem. “We have played through every open world RPG Bethesda has cranked out and now we are forced to wait years for the next big instalment of our most beloved series” Luna explained. Since gaining access to the human world via Celestia’s former student Sunset Shimmer, Luna had become fond of human video games. So far, games such as Morrowind, Oblivion and Skyrim had become her favourites. But currently, Elder Scrolls 6 had been anticipated for many years and was supposed to be unreleased for years now. Anon knew the pain gamers everywhere felt. But he accepted that games take a while and the Bethesda staff were working on other projects. It was a pity other companies couldn’t just make a sequel for them. “International copyright laws are important but they’re bullshit” Anon thought to himself. “Wait a minute-“ Anon thought to himself again. That’s when Anon got a plan. It wasn’t technically legal but it was a plan. Pouring Luna another cocktail, this time in a much bigger glass, Anon waited until the alcohol had put his beloved wife to sleep. Sneaking out of the castle, Anon took the first train to Ponyville. “To become a computer nerd I must go to the biggest nerd I know” Anon said to himself. Searching the town, Anon was confronted by Twilight Sparkle, the student of his sister in-law and the mare he was convinced was rather Celestia’s love child or her secret marefriend. It was really hard for him to tell. “Your Highness? It’s an honour but what brings you to Ponyville?” Twilight asked. “I need you to teach me computer shit” Anon explained. Raising an eyebrow the Princess of Friendship tilted her head slightly. “Excuse me?” She asked. “Luna’s gone into a depression because Bethesda is taking forever to make Elder Scrolls 6 so I’m using the fact that Equestria isn’t a part of Earth to get around copyright laws and make it myself. So yeah I need help. And a thousand other ponies who know how to program as well” Anon explained. “Why a thousand?” Twilight asked. “Because Skyrim took six years for a hundred humans to make but I’m under a time crunch so if I have ten times that I can get it done in under eight months” Anon explained. Concerned about how anxious Anon was, Twilight chose to press further. Deep down she felt like she wasn’t getting the whole truth. “Ok but WHY does it need to be done in eight months?” Twilight asked. That’s when Anon started frowning. “Twiggles. Do you know what happened last time Luna got depressed?” Anon asked rhetorically. “No?” Twilight replied, feeling a rant coming on. “First she gets depressed, then she gets apathetic, then she gets HORNY AS FUCK” Anon stated. “Ok I think I get it, I’ll try to hel-“ Twilight tried to move the conversation along before being cut off. “No, I don't think you understand. Luna is twice the size of the average mare, can rip a tree out of the ground with the same effort I use to pick a blade of grass and has a libido TEN TIMES THAT OF THE AVERAGE MARE. I cannot keep taking this, my balls are basically deflated hoof balls now” Anon ranted. “Please stop” Twilight begged as she tried covering her ears. “Oh that’s not even the worst part! The weekly hospital visits for friction burns, the broken ribs. Fuck I’ve had to grab random mares from the night guard, strap a dildo between their legs and have them pretend to be me, all so I can get a five minute break. My spirit is willing but my flesh is spongy and bruised. I. AM. NOT. A. MACHINE! And if I have to go to hospital and explain I’ve got a shattered pelvis just because Todd Howard is taking his sweet time making a game, I’m going to flip!” Now with mental images she will never be free of, Twilight agreed to help Anon. Travelling with him to Manehattan where the technological revolution was in full swing. Using their royal positions they recruited countless young stallions and mares struggling to make their names in the programming business. While normally they would be paid in bits, they instead were paid in being allowed to use Anon and Twilight’s names in references on their resumes. And such Elder Scrolls 6: Hammerfell was made with the blood, sweat and tears of a thousand unpaid interns. And it was pretty shit on release and had many bugs and the DLCs could be argued were not worth the price tag. But her husband made it for her so Luna loved it. And if you called it shit for making Nazeem the main antagonist over the Thalmor, Luna would send you to the dungeons until Celestia released you. Pinkie part 1In the attic of Sugarcube Corner, Anon the earth pony and his marefriend Pinkie Pie gathered the Main 6 to give them some good news. “Girls, we’re getting married” Anon broke the news. Right on cue Pinkie let off her party cannon, banners and balloons coming down for the ceiling. Letting out excited squeals the girls flocked around Pinkie excitedly. “That’s awesome Pinks!” “We’re so happy for you Darling” “Congratulations Pinkie” “Thanks girls, but we need your help with something super important” Pinkie replied. “Anything Pinks” Rainbow said confidently. Looking at her husband to be, Pinkie let out a giggle while Anon rolled his eyes. “I need help passing the Pie Test” Anon sighed. Now usually the girls had learnt to just accept whatever nonsensical madness that Pinkie and Anon could spit out. But this threw them off guard. “The what?” Twilight asked. “It’s a Pie family tradition. Before Nonny can get my parents blessing to marry me, he has to pass a test consisting of several questions. If my parents think he’s good enough they’ll bless our wedding” Pinkie explained. Pulling a list of questions out of her mane, Pinkie passed it to Twilight. “Ok these aren’t that difficult. I’m sure with enough practice you can answer them. Here, we can try the first one” Twilight said before passing the list to Applejack. “Why do ya want to marry ma’h daughter?” Applejack read out. Now they knew Anon could tell white lies when necessary but when it came to the Element of Honesty he knew he couldn’t get away with it. So he didn’t try. “She’s got a fat ass” Anon said bluntly. With mixed looks of shock, hilarity and confusion the room went silent. “Anon! You can’t say that!” Rarity gasped. “But I’m right, she does have a fat ass” Anon defended himself. “He is right, my flank is big” Pinkie agreed. “Pinkie, he just said he’s marrying you for your looks” Rarity pointed out. “Hey, that's not the only reason. It’s just a MASSIVE perk” Anon replied. “Even if it was, I can't be mad, if you’ve got it you’ve gotta own it!” Pinkie agreed, giving her rear a little shake for the girls. Despite being mildly aroused the girls moved onto the next question. “What can you offer my daughter” Twilight asked. “Money, love and dick” Anon replied. “What is your profession?” Rainbow asked. “Tax evasion and illegal genetic experiments” Anon replied. “What can you offer the Pie family?” Rarity asked. “DNA that’s artificially 49.38 percent zebra, 3.96 percent griffon and 7 percent papaya fruit” Anon replied. Asking several more questions related to farm life, moral values and social standards, the girls came to one conclusion. They knew enough about Pinkie’s family to make a rough guess on what their answer would be. “Anon, I’m sorry but if I was a mother there’s no way in tartarus I would let you marry my daughter” Twilight said. “Same” “Agreed” “Eeyep” “No way” “I would say no, sorry” “Gee girls, thanks for the vote of confidence” Anon asked sarcastically. “Out of curiosity Pinkie. What would happen IF your parents didn’t give Anon their blessing?” Rarity asked. “Well, due to modern Equestrian law there’s nothing legally mandating that we need my parent’s blessing. But Nonny won’t be welcomed on the family rock farm, which is a super bummer because I want all the ponies I love to get along” Pinkie explained. Seeing the situation, the girls began devising a plan. “Alright Anon, you’re going to have to lie” Twilight pointed out. “Ok” Anon agreed, no resistance there whatsoever. As the week progressed, the Pie parents arrived at Ponyville via a wagon. Pinkie was naturally happy to see her parents, they were physically neutral in expression although the pink party pony could tell that her parents were happy to see her as well. On the inside. “Greetings Pinkamina, now where is the suitor we have come to judge?” Cloudy Quartz asked. Stepping forward, Anon began waving his front hoof in a greeting manner “hello Mr and Mrs Pie, I’m Anon” he introduced himself nervously. Giving the younger equine an unimpressed look, the Pie parents followed their daughter and their potential in-law into Sugarcube Corner. The Cakes had taken the week off to visit Carrot’s family so the couple had the place all to themselves. Despite Anon wishing it wasn’t the case. Sat eating a “traditional” Pie family dinner Pinkie had prepared, that being rock soup, the atmosphere was thick enough you’d need a chainsaw to cut it. “Hey Daddy, could you pass the salt?” Pinkie asked. Having to mentally kick himself to avoid reaching for the salt, Anon watched as Igneous Pie passed the salt to his daughter. “Phew, that was a close one” Anon thought to himself. Managing to finish dinner despite the rocky nature of it, Anon got up to do the dishes, being stopped by Pinkie who beat him to it. “Don’t worry about these Nonny I’ll clean them, you keep my parents company while I’m busy. Love you~” Pinkie said as she unceremoniously ditched her coltfriend with her parents. The silence between the three began to ferment, Anon looking them in the eyes as they looked back with significantly less emotion. “So, how did you two meet?” Anon asked. “We don’t like you” Cloudy said bluntly. “Not really the answer I was looking for” Anon thought. “We don’t like you and do not believe you are good enough for our daughter. You have three chances to prove us wrong, two questions and a trial” Cloudy continued. “Trial? Trial!? Pinkie didn’t say anything about a trial!” Anon thought to himself, beginning to panic as his advanced lying lessons became less assured to bring him victory. “First, why do you want to marry our daughter?” Igneous asked. “Dontsaybecauseshe’sgotafatassdontsaybecauseshe’sgotafatassdontsaybecauseshe’sgotafatassdontsaybecauseshe’sgotafatass” Anon’s mind warned him at the speed of light. “Because… because she makes everypony around her smile, it’s hard to be sad when Pinkie is around. She made me happy when I thought I couldn’t be, and I want to do whatever it takes to be there when she needs somepony to make her happy back” Anon explained. “Nailed it” his mind added. Not changing their expression, Anon saw that wouldn’t change how Pinkie’s parents saw him. “Second question, are you confident you can provide for our daughter?” Cloudy asked. Fancy way of saying “do you have money?” “Well I make enough to afford a house between my work in accounting and pharmaceuticals so yes I am” Anon replied. His work with Zecora to turn Equestria’s population into Zebra/Pony hybrids did require quite a bit of chemistry. Looking at each other, Igneous and Cloudy nodded to each other. Getting off of her chair, Cloudy walked around the table until she came up to Anon. Looking passionlessly into his eyes for a moment, Cloudy turned around and proceeded to lift her tail, exposing the scared stallion to her marehood. “Breed me” she said flatly. “What what what!?” Anon crowded out, the shock of being flashed causing him to fall out of his chair. “We need to make sure you are able to sire healthy foals to carry on the Pie bloodline. Now rut me until my hair comes undone” Cloudy ordered. “Nope! That’s nope without a rope! That’s a big nope from me!” Anon replied, backing away from the milf plot. “If you don’t you will fail and we will not give you our blessing to marry Pinkamina” Igneous said, holding a camera in his hooves. “I don’t care. It’s Pinkie who wants your approval, not me. I’m not going to cheat on her let alone with her own mother, if you two don’t like it you can get back on your cart and fuck off” Anon replied, his backbone having grown to the size of a house. A moment of silence filled the room before the Pie couple burst into laughter. Cloudy lowered her tail and Igneous put the camera down, confusing the hell out of Anon. “Oh we got you good!” Cloudy giggled, trying to cover her mouth with her hooves. “I’m sorry but what the hell is going on?” I asked. “You passed the test, you’ve proven that you love our daughter and will remain faithful to her” Igneous explained, still laughing at their prank. Realising he had been dooped, Anon began chuckling along with them, eventually bursting out into full laughter. “That, that was a good one!” Anon laughed. “Yes it was, I was fully willing to kill you where you stood if you tried to breed my wife!” Igneous replied. “Assuming Pinkie didn’t kill me first! She’s terrifying when she’s mad!” Anon cackled. “Now be honest with me, who DO you want to marry my daughter?” Igneous asked as the two stallions laughed together. “Because she’s got a fat ass!” Anon howled with laughter before suddenly stopping as he realised what he just said. Looking into the eyes of Igneous, who had also stopped laughing, Anon began preparing himself to set fire to the town and flee to Mexicow in the chaos. “That. Is the exact reason I married her mother” Igneous replied. “It’s true, before we had our daughters I could crack boulders in half by sitting on them too hard” Cloudy confirmed. “Hey Pinkie can do the same thing” Anon chuckled. “That’s my daughter” Cloudy said proudly upon hearing about the power of Pinkie’s booty. With their blessing given, the Pie family matriarch and patriarch left. After all the excitement our happy couple went to bed, although Anon felt a little conflicted. “Do you think we should have told them about the baby?” Anon asked, cuddling up to his marefriend. Adjusting the hairnet she had to wear as to not suffocate Anon in their sleep (again) Pinkie raised an eyebrow at the stallion. “Are you crazy? I told my Mom we sleep in separate rooms, they both think I’m still a virgin for buck’s sake. If they knew they’d rip you apart” Pinkie replied. “Yeah that… that doesn’t sound very fun. Night Pinkie” Anon said, getting comfortable. “Night Nonny” she replied. Celestia Part 1On the Sun-kissed beaches of Haywaii, Princess Celestia and her husband Prince-Consort Anon were relaxing. Well at least Anon was. The Princess of the Sun was a bundle of nerves. “Celly, you really need to calm down, Luna can handle running the place on her own for a week” Anon said as he laid back, eyes shielded from the sun via some shades. This had been the first vacation the diarch had taken in a thousand years. For the first time in recorded history she wasn’t at the heart of the Equestrian government. As a result Celestia’s mind was filled with a million worries. They weren’t unfounded, as most of her subordinates outside of Twilight, Inkwell and maybe Shining Armour had all the ability for independent thinking as a potato on a desk being poked to stimulate movement. But on the other hoof, perhaps he had a point? “I’m sorry darling, but I can’t stop myself. I’ve never left full power in the hooves of anypony before, what if something goes wrong?” She asked, anxiety creeping into her mind. Each second came with a new threat or catastrophe to the mind of the Princess. There could be a drought, or a new villain could attack, or worst of all the population could learn about how much of the Royal Budget went to her cake habit. “If it gets to that then Luna can contact us and we can portal back. If she hasn’t sent us any messages then clearly everything’s fine” Anon argued “you’ve spent a thousand years with the bureaucratic framework of Equestria latched onto your awesome teats, you deserve to relax and enjoy yourself more than anybeing in the world” Hearing her husband’s kind words, the Princess of the Sun found herself slightly relaxed. “Maybe you’re right” she mused. “Of course I’m right, like when I suggested we book a private beach” Anon chuckled. Sixty feet away on either side of the couple were five foot stone walls cutting the area of the beach off from public view. “Agreed, that first beach was a disaster” Celestia signed “everypony was so excited to see us” “To see YOU” Anon corrected. “But they really could have done so without swarming us like a horde of parasprites” Celestia continued. “And that second beach was just as bad” Anon reminded her. After being swarmed by waves of over-adoring subjects, the royal couple had tried using Celestia’s magic to disguise her as a simple unicorn mare. “Gossip columns from here to Manehattan will probably be flooded with stories claiming you’re my mistress” Anon groaned. He was already disliked by many for being “not of noble birth” or due to that one time he accidentally released Sombra from the afterlife as part of a joke gone wrong. But now that Equestria would be under the impression he was cheating on their beloved Princess his meagre popularity was going to go into free fall. “It doesn’t matter, ponies will find something else to talk about soon. Let’s just try to enjoy the days we have left together” Celestia suggested as she snuggled up to her smaller husband. (Screw you, he's a short king!) “Finally coming around to it?” Anon asked teasingly. “I suppose, besides, it’s been three days, what could go wrong in three days?” Celesita giggled. -Canterlot- “Thank you for agreeing to help Us through Tia’s official letters Twilight” Luna thanked the Princess of Friendship. “It’s no problem at all Princess, it was a slow day in Ponyville” Twilight replied. Beginning on the first of one hundred and ninety three piles of letters addressed to the Princess of the Sun. Expecting economic reports from one of the countless administrators or perhaps a letter from the royals of far off lands, Twilight found herself… disappointed as she opened the first letter. Going slightly red in the face at its contents, Twilight put the letter to the side before moving onto the next. Once more she hoped it would be a letter that could affect the direction of Equestria’s future. But once more she was disappointed. “Erm, Princess?” Twilight asked cautiously. “Hm?” Luna asked nonchalantly, not even looking up as she opened another letter. “Some of these letters seem a little… off?” Twilight tried to explain, embarrassment leaking out her voice. “Oh did you get a love confession to Tia followed by a picture of a stallion touching himself?” Luna asked casually. “Wait! Did you get one too!?” Twilight replied in shock. “About half of the letters Tia receives are like that. Here, I’ll teach you a quick spell to detect them” Luna explained. -Back with Celestia and Anon- “Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!” Celestia squealed in joy as she went down the zip line. Despite being able to fly, Celestia found exhilarating joy in shooting down the line. Anon on the other hand… “Ahhhh! Lord Baby Jesus I don’t wanna die!” He yelled in panic. The unicorn had lost control and was now shooting towards the bottom of the hill at breakneck speed rump first. Smacking several palm trees on his way down, Anon eventually slid to the bottom of the line with an unceremonious halt. “Wow! That was incredible! Can we go a- OH MY SUN!” Celestia gasped as she saw the state of her husband. Currently dislodging a particularly thick branch from his rear, Anon tried to put on a brave face for his wife. “It’s all good, I think I got the hang of it if you want to go again” Anon chuckled. Looking over her husband with a face of worry, Celestia’s expression was met by a seemingly forced smile. “Well, only if you’re sure” Celestia said hesitantly. “I’m sure! It’s all good” Anon said, chuckling again. “Alright then. It’s good to hear because there’s another eight I’d like to try” Celestia replied, excitement joining her voice. “Yippee” Anon said forcefully. Several hours of zip lining later, the couple went to a beach side restaurant for dinner. Watching the locals put on a hula dance as they enjoyed their hey-steaks, Celestia couldn’t help but look at the battered figure that was her husband. “Are you sure you’re fine Anon?” She asked. Smiling with more than two missing teeth, Anon nodded his head. Raising an eyebrow, Celestia flashed a doubting look at her husband. “Ok ok I hated it everything hurts” Anon groaned. “You shouldn’t have lied, just look at these bruises” Celestia replied in a caring tone. “I know, but you were having fun and I didn’t want to spoil your holiday” Anon admitted. “Anon, you don’t have to do anything that’s going to hurt you just because it makes me happy” Celestia stated. Leaning in she planted a kiss on his cheek before moving her muzzle to his ear. “Once we get back to our room I’ll make it up to you” she whispered. “Oh~” Anon said, his tail starting to wag in excitement. “I’ve found a special lotion from Ponegypt. I can give you a massage to help with the pain” Celestia explained. “Oh” Anon said disappointedly. “Also I can sit on your face” Celestia whispered. “Oh!~” Anon said as his excitement returned. The couple would spend another week in Haywaii. Enjoying every moment together. When they returned home, Canterlot had been burnt down as Luna tried to make baked beans and Anon was hospitalised with an atomised pelvis. Author's Note Merry Christmas
Rarity part 1In the small town of Ponyville, the Rarity opened her Boutique up for another day of business. The day was fairly hectic, but that was nothing unusual to the mare. Something else unusual for her was arguing with her younger sister Sweetie Bell during the lunch break. This particular argument was about Rarity’s husband, Anon. A peculiar pegasus, the green stallion had shown up in Ponyville a year back, since then the two had formed a relationship and married. Called the stallion of a thousand faces, Anon served as model for many of Rarity’s non feminine creations. Ranging from suits to nightwear, with her genius and his famous “Blue Steel” they helped spread Rarity’s business across Equestria. But as it would appear, not everyone was as enamoured with Anon’s work as his husband. “But sis!” Sweetie protested. “Sweetie Bell I’ve had enough of this, I don’t want you saying a thing against Anon. He’s a part of our family so go to your room until you’re ready to apologise” the older unicorn ordered her younger sister. Stomping her hooves against the floor in a small tantrum, Sweetie puffed out her cheeks in a pout. “But I’m right! He only has one look! Blue Steel? Ferrari? El Tigre? It’s the same face! Why hasn’t anypony else noticed!” Sweetie yelled, her face going red with anger. “Room. Now!” Rarity ordered. Letting out a yell of anger, Sweetie stomped upstairs, slamming her door shut hard enough to knock down several framed photos. What Rarity didn’t seem to understand was Sweetie was absolutely right. Anon, through sheer bullshit, had convinced the world that every face he made was different. Despite the fact they were all the exact same face. Responding to the noise, Anon emerged out of his and Rarity’s room, groggy and tired. “Is an army of Nibbily Pibblies attacking?” He asked, his eyes only half open as he stumbled downstairs. “I’m afraid not darling, Sweetie and I just had a small argument that’s all” Rarity explained as she levitated a cup of coffee to her husband. “About what? She doesn’t want to bring colts home does she?” Anon asked before taking a sip of his drink. Giggling slightly at the idea, Rarity shook her head at him. “Oh no nothing like that. But if it’s alright I’d rather not talk about it. I’m sure Sweetie will explain when she’s ready to apologise” Rarity replied. Taking a seat on the sofa, Anon continued chugging coffee from his “world’s sexiest husband” coffee mug he got as a birthday gift. Snuggling next to him, Rarity subconsciously started messing with the tangled mess that was Anon’s natural mane. The one thing she didn’t love about her husband was his natural hair. Without any conditioner or combing, Anon's natural hair was a tangled mess that only Pinkie Pie’s semi-sentient shrub of a hairdo could rival. “So how was Las Pegasus? You went straight to bed last night so we didn’t get to talk about it” Rarity asked. While he mainly worked with the Carousel Boutique and some smaller branches of Rarity’s fashion empire, Anon occasionally did runway work for larger fashion brands. His most recent work was done in Las Pegasus for Dier, a Deer fashion company that was trying to branch into Equestria. “Eh same old same old, they put me in whatever and I gave the old Blue Steel some work. I think we sold a few thousand piano key neckties that night. I think a mare threw her panties at me” Anon explained, the life of a supermodel having become a nine to five job for him at this point. “But enough about what I’ve been doing, how’s my genius, beauty goddess of a wife been while I was away?” Anon asked, running his muzzle against Rarity’s cheek as he did. “Oh you charmer. I’m starting to remember why I married you now~” Rarity laughed, returning his affection. “I thought it was the thousands of pieces of clothing I sold for you” Anon said. “That too,” Rarity replied. “And the fact I helped you get your business expenses under control” Anon continued. “That too,” Rarity replied again. “And my massive-“ Anon began before stopping himself. Looking around, Anon checked that Sweetie and her innocent ears weren’t listening. “Tracks of land” he continued, just to be on the safe side. Busting out into a louder laugh, Rarity had to suppress an unladylike snort. “Yes, I definitely love that. But no, I married you because you’ve proved time and time again there’s nopony else who I would chase the heights of the fashion world with than you” she explained. “What about your friends?” Anon asked. “They don’t have a “massive track of land” do they?” Rarity chuckled. “I don’t know, I’ve still got a fifty bit bet with Spitfire that Rainbow Dash is a guy” Anon half joked. Letting out another hysterical laugh, Rarity went from leaning on to falling into Anon’s lap as she tried to hold her sides in. The work day continued as usual until closing. Making dinner Anon sat down at the table waiting for his wife and sister in-law. A few minutes passed but no one came. Searching through the house he found Rarity in her workroom, sat by a sewing machine. “Hun? Dinner’s done” he said. Turning around Rarity gave a half hearted smile. “Sorry Darling, I’ll have to have it in here, I just got a huge order from Canterlot and I need to get it done. I need to make a thousand dresses by next week or I’ll miss the deadline” she explained. “A thousand in a week!? What kind of moron thinks that’s possible!?” Anon asked in shock at such an unreasonable request. “The kind that’s paying two hundred and fifty bits per dress” Rarity replied, leaving out the fact she got this order a month back but had to leave it due to her and the Elements having to fight off a hoard of Karens harassing the Cakes. So many managers died to save the town that day. “It’s alright Darling. I’ve done the maths, and if I pull an all nighter four nights in a row and I’ll get it done. Just in time for our day off as well” Rarity said, sounding like that wasn’t a terrible idea. Anon knew perfectly well he couldn’t convince her otherwise. Once something to do with clothes was involved even Princess Celestia herself couldn’t change her mind. Leaving the place on the side, Anon went back to the kitchen. Thinking the whole time on how to help his wife. A thousand dresses were a lot, even for Rarity. Even with her shop in Manehattan helping she couldn’t make that many and deal with her regular customers at the same time. Sitting down to eat his own meal, he noticed Sweetie still hadn’t come down for dinner. That’s when he hit mental gold. Taking his sister in-law’s food up to her door. Knocking on it Anon didn’t get any response. Deciding he had respected her privacy by knocking, Anon chose to assert his authority as the joint mortgage payer by going in anyway. Seeing the filly under her sheets, her horn poking out from under it, Anon approached. “Sweetie? You ok?” He asked. Pulling her sheet furthur over her head, Sweetie didn’t respond. “I made Zebrican curry, your favourite” Anon said as he placed the food on the bedside drawers. Slowly, Sweetie pulled the plate under her sheets. “Sweetie I don’t know what you and Rarity were arguing about but I need your help. Your sister is going to run herself ragged trying to get all those dresses done but I’ve got an idea” Anon said. He didn’t get any response. All he could hear was the sound of the filly eating her meal. “It might get you your cutie mark~” Anon suggested, playing into the filly’s desire to get a butt picture to act as a placeholder for personality. Slowly, Sweetie peaked out from under her sheets, a sceptical look in her eyes. “Fifty bits” she tried to haggle. “Twenty bits” Anon countered. “Thirty bits and a guarantee on getting a GameColt for my birthday” Sweetie haggled harder. “Deal” Anon agreed, seeing there was very little point in arguing. Two days later, Rarity found she was almost done with the dresses. It was all far ahead of schedule but somehow the storeroom was filled with hundreds of pristine dresses. She didn’t understand how, but her only conclusion was that she zoned out during all her work over the last two nights. The one other thing she seemed to notice was out of place was that Sweetie and Anon seemed to be spending a lot more time together. It was normal for them to play a few games together, Anon seemed to have gotten the hang of spending time with foals due to his exposure to Sweetie on a daily basis. But they seemed to be almost sneaking off together whenever she saw them. Deciding to find out what was going on, Rarity followed them into the basement. Usually Rarity stored all her spare fabrics down there, although Anon had an extension built for their anniversary. It was a smaller sealed off room they used for “activities” they didn’t want Sweetie discovering. Watching Anon use the key only he and herself had, Rarity watched in horror as Anon led Sweetie into their private basement. Fearing the worst, Rarity stormed after them, hoping to save her sister from being scarred for life. “Get your hooves off my sister you vile bea-“ Rarity demanded before her speech was suddenly frozen. Instead of the adult “toys” she had filled the room with, Rarity found nothing of the sort. No whips, no gags, no dog collars with her name on the tag. All she found were a dozen chairs. Each of them with a foal she recognized sat in them, working on a sewing machine making dresses in various stages of completion. “Uh oh” the worried voice of Sweetie Bell called out. Turning around, Rarity saw Anon and Sweetie standing with Applebloom and Scootaloo. “Who. Who are these foals?” Rarity stuttered. “Erm… Mama’s little helpers?” Anon said. “Anon, what’s going on here or else” Rarity stated. “Well, you see I wanted to help you so you didn’t burn yourself out on these dresses so I chose to help you by harnessing the oldest industry known to my people” Anon began to explain. “And that is?” Rarity asked. “Chi- I mean foal labour” Anon said. “And we’re helping” Sweetie added. “Helping!?” Rarity gasped. “Cutie Mark Crusaders Sweatshop Managers… yay?” They said in unison. Turning her attention back to Anon, Rarity’s eyes were now twitching from tension. “Now two more questions. What were you thinking and where did you put all the… spare supplies we were keeping in this room?” Rarity asked, choosing her words carefully when around so many foals. “Well I thought it would help and I was right. Put a few cups of triple espresso and they’ll work at lightspe-“ Anon began. “I’m sorry you’ve been giving them what!?” Rarity interrupted. Looking at one of the foals, Rarity saw the dilated pupils as he smiled widely as he focused on his work. The little propeller on his hat spinning constantly. “This coffee stuff is way better than video games” he giggled as he kept working. “As for the “spare supplies” in our room” Anon explained. Reaching in he put his muzzle against Rarity’s ear. “And don’t worry I scrubbed this place with industrial strength apple scented bleach before I let them in” he whispered. “Anon, send these foals home now or I’ll leave a hoof print on your flank so hard it’ll look like you’ve got two cutie marks, and don’t say anything because nothing will make me-“ Rarity ordered before being interrupted. “We’ve only got fifty dresses left” Anon explained. Stopping to let that info sink in, Rarity’s eyes widened further than they ever had. “Well, if they’re already working on dresses there’s no point stopping them” Rarity caved. And so Rarity got that order done and with the profits the three ponies went on a well earned holiday. Although when they returned, Sweetie found a dog collar with her sister’s name on it hidden behind a sink. Now she thinks she’s getting a dog.
Applejack part 1Sweet Apple Acres had seen a lot of family members come and go since it was founded. But while Granny Smith, Big Macintosh, Applejack and Applebloom were the model of a farm family, Applejack’s husband Anon broke the mould. Opposed to his hard working rustic in-laws, the green earth pony was an accountant. He had been doing the family’s taxes along with most of the town’s since he arrived a year earlier. Having grown smitten with each other, Applejack along with the whole Apple clan welcomed Anon into their family. The whole clan except for Granny Smith. “Don’t tell me how to run my farm, you orange lovin soft belly!” The ancient mare snapped at her son in-law. Sat with a series of spreadsheets covering the table, Anon looked back at the old mare with a frown. “Mrs Smith you can get mad all you want but the maths is right. The farm’s profit margins have halved in the last quarter” Anon said, picking up one of the sheets. “See? Sales across the board are down” Anon stubbornly stated as he pointed at the red line going down. “Numbers, charts, back in my day we didn’t need all of this fancy gobbledygook! We had a book that told us how many apples we had and how many we sold” Granny replied, dismissing the young stallion’s maths and education. “You- you don’t even keep track of how much money you make?” Anon asked, his eye twitching slightly. “I know how much an apple is, ain’t my fault some pencil neck from Canterlot doesn’t” Granny said defensively. Before Anon could murder his grandmother in-law, Applejack walked in, a saddle bag on her back with a basket of apples on each side. “What in tar-nation are y’all yappin about?” She asked. “Your husband is disrespecting our culture and traditions that’s what” Granny said. “Correction, I’m trying to tell your grandmother that the farm’s finances are going into the Red and her senile rump is acting like it’s my fault” Anon replied. Going over to the table, Applejack looked at the charts. “Where are all our sales going?” Applejack asked. “I have an answer for that” Anon said, walking to a cabinet and pulling out a bag of green apples with a logo on it. The symbol was that of an apple with a sun on it. “This is a bag of Sunny Farms apples, they’re a company that owns a lot of farms out east, their apples cost three bits a bag of ten while ours cost one hit per apple” Anon explained. Both mares took an apple from the bag and started eating them. “That tasted just like our apples!” Granny Smith said, shocked at the quality of the apples. “Eeyep” Anon said. “How can pines afford to sell at such low prices?” Applejack asked. “Simple. They’ve gone mechanised so they can produce more than us in less time” Anon said. “How are we supposed to compete with that?” Applejack asked. With his wife’s family home in danger, Anon began to form a plan in his mind. “Don’t worry AJ, your big strong studly stallion will handle this” Anon said, puffing out his chest. “I don’t think Big Mac has the answer” Granny Smith stated. Once again Anon had to remind himself that he can’t kill his grandmother in-law. This was a regular occurrence since marrying Applejack. The next day, the Apple family went through their daily routines. Applejack had returned from town with a magazine listing various mechanical apple harvesters being introduced around Equestria. The one member of the family not there was Anon. Usually he was at his accounting firm’s office in town, but as Applebloom returned from school she had some disturbing news. “What do ya mean he ain’t at work?” Applejack asked. “I went past it on the way home, and the sign said closed” Applebloom said. “Applejack!” Granny called out. Heading back to the house, Applejack and Applebloom saw Granny Smith sat in her rocking chair, a letter in hoof addressed to Applejack. Dear AJ I’ve had to go east for something very urgent. Don’t worry it’ll solve your money issues if it works. Specifically YOUR money issues because I’m rolling in it. I mean seriously how did nopony in town think of just not paying taxes until I started doing it for them. Plus renting out my old house once I moved in is giving some steady income. But enough about that. Love you lots, my plump and juicy orange filly. Will get lube on the way home. Love, Anon. “We’re doomed” Applejack stated. “What’s lube?” Applebloom asked, having read the letter herself over her sister’s shoulder. … In the east of Equestria, Anon put his plan into action. After being transported there by the ever reliable public train system, Anon purchased five hundred glass sculptures from an independent artist (CelestiaBucks worker) he tracked down a number of diamond dog strongholds hidden beneath the woodlands and wilds of the region. With very little convincing, Anon gave them the glass sculptures posing as crystals. Using them he paid them to burn down the Sunny Farm’s orchids. Watching their orchids go up, a pink unicorn stallion in a fancy suit tried to console his crying wife, who herself was a light orange earth pony. “Heeeeey, sorry about your farm there” Anon said, sliding his way next to them. “Oh it’s not my farm, I just modernised it after my wife’s parents retired” the unicorn explained. “I see, sorry about your farm ma’am” Anon gave his fake condolences to the crying mare. “Five generations, the apple family has farmed this land for five generations!” She sobbed. “… I’m sorry, what?” Anon asked. … Watching Big Mac operate a tractor with a large box on the back, the girls marvelled as a hoover-like nozzle sucked up apples faster than bucking trees ever could. “It sure was nice of cousin Gear Heart to give us one of his fancy apple harvesters” Applebloom said, watching as the machine she had already been told 10 times she can’t drive did its job. “Darn tootin, we’ll be able to finish the harvest nearly two whole weeks early” Applejack agreed. “Which’ll be good when you have to go east to help cousin Wild Orchid get her farm back back up and runnin” Applebloom said. With her own farm safe, Applejack went east to help her extended family rebuild from the ashes. Because Apples who grow together, stay together. And what of Anon you ask? Besides getting exclusive rights to accounting for Gear Heart’s company for helping him discover tax evasion, Anon was punished by his wife once he got home. His tomfoolery, because there was no way Applejack didn’t immediately know it was him, landed our plucky protagonist in hot water. Confined to sleeping on the sofa, Anon grumbled to himself. “I try to help, it turns out I’m related to the ponies I committed arson against. I hate this family and it’s rabbit like breeding habits”
Twilight part 1“I’m telling you the moon is made out of cheese” Anon said. It had been two years since Twilight Sparkle had moved to Ponyville, and eight months since she married the unicorn known as Anon. The mysterious stallion just appeared out of nowhere one day. Nopony knew who he was or where he came from, only that against all odds, Twilight fell in love with him. Even though he has some very… interesting ideas. “Anon the moon isn’t made out of cheese. That is a scientific impossibility” Twilight replied using logic and basic common sense. Things alien to Anon. She loved her husband dearly, but sometimes his blatant insanity wasn’t particularly appealing. “Then what did Princess Luna eat for a thousand years then?” Anon asked rhetorically. Now there he had her stumped. While she could simply ask the princess, Twilight refused out of principle to allow a ruler of Equestria’s time to be wasted with this argument. So borrowing a trick that Anon used whenever the Cutie Mark Crusaders bothered him, Twilight gave him a smirk. “Ah, the old Bring Democracy to Cuba ruse” she thought to herself. “Alright Anon, I’ll admit the moon is made out of cheese if you can bring back indisputable evidence” Twilight challenged. “I know it’s made out of cheese, being right isn’t really a reward” Anon argued. Thinking for a moment, she searched through her memories for something she could offer, something he wanted desperately enough to take her challenge. “Alright, if you prove the moon is made out of cheese, I’ll let you tie me up and do whatever you want to me~” Twilight offered, fluttering her wings suggestively. “We already do that every night you sub” Anon pointed out. “I do mean anything~” Twilight stated. That’s when the look of first utter shock then pure joy crept onto Anon’s face. “You mean, BUTT STUFF!?” Anon said excitedly, wagging his tail like a dog at the promise of the one treat Twilight was reluctant to give. Full of confidence, Anon retreated to the celler he had dug under the castle in order to give himself room to work on his projects. And produce copious quantities of bootlegged alcohol which helped pay the bills quite a bit. Sat at his desk, Anon scribbled schematics for a rocket onto his drawing paper. It was a fairly simple design, and by that I mean the uninspired hack copy-pasted Wallace’s rocket from a Grand Day Out. “Hey Anon, my new Power Ponies comic just got here if you wanna read together” Spike offered as he waddled down the steps into the cellar. “Not really Spike, you know I dislike Power Ponies. Prefer my own work” Anon rebuffed. “You do remember you got in trouble when you tried selling comics like that right? They made a whole new law about violence in foals comics because of it” Spike reminded his brother-in-law/step-dad/co-owner. “Judge Dredd was too perfect for this world” Anon sighed. “You had somepony die on the first page” Spike reminded him. “He broke the law” Anon argued. Rolling his eyes, Spike looked up onto the desk, curious what the green protagonist was working on. “Are you making a rocket?” Spike asked. “Yep” Anon replied. “Why?” Spike asked. “To get to the moon” Anon replied. “Why?” Spike asked again, this time his voice sounding a little concerned. “Because if I prove to Twilight it’s made out of cheese she'll let me put my shlong up her butthole” Anon explained. Holding in the vomit, Spike shuddered slightly. “You wanna come with me? Be the first dragon on the moon?” Anon offered. Thinking for a second Spike shrugged his shoulders. “Eh, sure” he agreed. “Good because I broke one of my saw-horses and I need a replacement” Anon explained. Now far less enthusiastic, Spike let the wooden door rest on his head as Anon began sawing it in half for building materials. The rest of the week was spent finishing the rocket. When done it took up most of the cellar, a bright coat of orange paint covering it. “Right we’ve got everything let’s test this bad boy out” Spike said climbing the ladder into the cockpit. Looking back, he saw Anon rummaging through the bags the duo had filled with picnic supplies. “Everything ok Anon?” He asked. “Crackers Spike, we almost forgot the crackers” Anon explained as he went back upstairs to fetch the much needed crackers. Heading into the kitchen Anon saw Twilight and her friends gathered enjoying their lunch. “Afternoon girls” Anon greeted. “Hey Nonny” Pinkie greeted back. “So have you proved the moon is made out of cheese yet?” Dash joked. “Almost” Anon replied. Rolling her eyes, Twilight went back to her sandwich. “I can sense when you do that” Anon said, being able to tell when his wife rolls her eyes. Truly the most useful superpower in any marriage. “Anon, you’ve been going around town telling everypony you’re building a rocket to prove the moon is made out of cheese. It’s kind of hard not to roll my eyes” Twilight said. “Still you could act less embarrassed, this is that giant sandwich competition all over again” Anon replied as he packed his saddle bag with as many crackers as he could. “You entered ME into that giant sandwich competition” Twilight reminded him. “Hey, they mislabeled that contest. “Equestria’s biggest sub” is a false advertisement” Anon defended himself. Blushing profusely, Twilight tried to block out the giggling and snickering of her friends. “Anon, sweetie” she said, grinding her teeth together as she did. “Yes Bookworm?” Anon responded as he pulled out his custom cheese knife and cheese knife accessories from the cupboard before packing them. “Please don’t bring our bedroom life up when we have guests, it’s bad enough you did it when Shining and Cadence came around” she requested, her teeth grinding getting audibly louder. “Why not? Cadinator and I bonded over that. Although now I mention it the next time they came around Shining was walking funny” Anon replied. Before he could face the full wrath of the now beet red princess, Anon trotted downstairs where Spike was waiting for him. “Alright Spike, light the fuse and we’ll be off” Anon said as he entered the rocket. Lighting the fuse Spike followed Anon quickly into the rocket and closed the door behind him. Sitting in his armchair Anon watched Spike messing with the controls waiting to guide them to the moon. “I feel like we’ve forgotten something” Anon mused. He had the crackers, some picnic supplies. What could he have forgotten? “Oh shit I forgot to build an opening!” Anon called out in panic. The rocket shot off with the force of a bullet, punching its way through the dirt as it flew into the skies over Equestria, destroying Rainbow Dash’s cloud home in the process. “Groooooooomiiiiiiiiiiiiit!” Anon cried out in fear. “Whooooooooooooooooooos Grooooooomiiiit!?” Spike asked, confused who Anon was talking about. Watching the rocket leave their sight from the ground, the Main 6 wore a matching sight of shock. “Hey Twilight… now you’ve lost your husband and your assistant. Can I move in?” Rainbow asked. … “I don’t know what you were so scared of Spike, that wasn’t so bad” Anon chuckled as the rocket left the atmosphere. Cleaning up the large wet stain by the foot on Anon’s chair, Spike rolled his eyes. “Only a few hours until we touch down, how about a game of cards while we wait?” Anon suggested. “That… actually sounds fun” Spike agreed. They did play cards. And Anon lost, despite cheating several times. … Rushing to Canterlot, a distressed Twilight met with Princess Celestia and Luna. “Twilight, what’s the matter?” Celestia asked. “Princesses, I’m so sorry for interrupting you but it’s Anon. He’s shot himself and Spike into space and I need help getting them back” Twilight said in a rushed panic. Confused, Celestia and Luna looked at each other before looking back to Twilight. “Why would he do such a thing?” Luna asked. Sighing, Twilight looked embarrassed before reluctantly telling the two alicorns the truth. “Well, Anon’s trying to get to the moon to prove it’s made out of cheese because I promised him we’d try… bedroom things, if he could. But I didn’t think he’d actually try!” Twilight explained. While Celestia seemed almost amused at the idea, Luna seemed very worried. “W-wait a moment, you mean Prince Anon is attempting to get to the moon… to EAT it?” She nervously asked. “Yes? Why?” Twilight asked, tilting her head in confusion at Luna’s sudden change of emotion. “N-no reason. But we should probably get there and stop him before he eats any of the rocks… for his health” Luna said, wiping away some sweat from her brow. Together, the three alicorns cast a multi-hour spell that sent them to the moon. Arriving on the satellite's rocky surface the three alicorn took a second or two to adjust to the lower gravity. Looking around them, the three princesses saw strange two foot tall pillars dotting the surface for miles. In a large opening, they spotted Anon and Spike sitting on a picnic blanket eating some of the moon’s rocks on crackers. “Wensleydale?” Anon asked, getting a head shake from the baby dragon. “I’ve got to say lad this is like no cheese I’ve ever tasted. Let’s try another spot” Anon said as he started packing away the picnic. “Anon!” Twilight yelled as she tackled her husband, rotating between kissing and choking the stallion. In other words, Friday night. “I can’t believe you two! You could have gotten hurt!” Twilight scolded them. “Sorry Twilight” Spike apologised. “Me too Hun, but I was right, the moon is made out of cheese” Anon said, holding up the half eaten rock on a cracker. “Prince Anon… I don’t think you should be eating that” Luna warned, her face going a deep colour as she and Celestia watched the couple. “Nonsense. Sure it tastes like fish but I remember the smell of cheese anywhere” Anon dismissed as he took another bite. Clicking onto what was happening, Celestia looked at her sister with a mildly judging look as sweat began pouring like buckets from Luna. “It was a long 1000 years” Luna muttered.
Luna part 1In the halls of Canterlot castle, the thestral Prince Anon, husband of Princess Luna, was trying to clean up a mess he made. Frantically trying to glue a bust of his sister in-law Celestia back together, Anon muttered to himself. “It’s ok Anon it’s ok, this bust can’t be that old, it was just made ONE THOUSAND AND FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!? Oh my god I’m going to be sent to the moon!” Anon cried as he panicked. “Your Highness?” A voice asked. Jumping out of his skin Anon spun around to see Raven Inkwell standing there looking at him with a judging look. “Oh thank goodness it’s just you Rave, quick, grab a glue gun and help me” Anon sighed in relief as he went back to glueing. Looking over his fuck up, Raven rolled her eyes at the prince’s accident. “Did you try tying soap to your hooves again?” She asked. “I was trying to revolutionise cleaning and give the staff some much needed rest if that was what you meant” he replied. Liking her eyes, Raven continued with her mission. “If you’ll let one of the castle’s professionals handle it, perhaps you can come to see your wife, the Princess?” Raven asked. Hearing about his wife, Anon’s ears pointed upwards. “Luna? Is she hurt?” Anon asked. “No” Raven replied. “Sick?” Anon asked. “No” Raven replied. “She’s not horny again is she?” Anon asked, his tone going from worried to fearful. “No, but she refuses to leave her bathtub for some reason” Raven explained. Travelling to their room, Anon looked through the door to the en-suite. The deep blue tiles of the flooring were soaked with bubbly water. In a large ornate tub that could fit two ponies at least, Princess Luna was submerged inside. “Luny? Are you ok?” Anon asked as he gently threaded into the bathroom. Getting no response Anon walked closer. Resting his chin on the rim of the tub Anon looked at his wife’s stone face. Lazily, Luna let out a sigh, the water around her mouth becoming bubbles as a result. Lifting her head up slightly Luna faced her husband. “Elder Scrolls 6 is still two years away” Luna explained. Seeing what this was about Anon activated his good husband mode. “You want pina coladas?” Anon asked. “Yes please” Luna agreed. Mixing the drinks himself, Anon waited for Luna to dry herself off before they discussed her problem. “We have played through every open world RPG Bethesda has cranked out and now we are forced to wait years for the next big instalment of our most beloved series” Luna explained. Since gaining access to the human world via Celestia’s former student Sunset Shimmer, Luna had become fond of human video games. So far, games such as Morrowind, Oblivion and Skyrim had become her favourites. But currently, Elder Scrolls 6 had been anticipated for many years and was supposed to be unreleased for years now. Anon knew the pain gamers everywhere felt. But he accepted that games take a while and the Bethesda staff were working on other projects. It was a pity other companies couldn’t just make a sequel for them. “International copyright laws are important but they’re bullshit” Anon thought to himself. “Wait a minute-“ Anon thought to himself again. That’s when Anon got a plan. It wasn’t technically legal but it was a plan. Pouring Luna another cocktail, this time in a much bigger glass, Anon waited until the alcohol had put his beloved wife to sleep. Sneaking out of the castle, Anon took the first train to Ponyville. “To become a computer nerd I must go to the biggest nerd I know” Anon said to himself. Searching the town, Anon was confronted by Twilight Sparkle, the student of his sister in-law and the mare he was convinced was rather Celestia’s love child or her secret marefriend. It was really hard for him to tell. “Your Highness? It’s an honour but what brings you to Ponyville?” Twilight asked. “I need you to teach me computer shit” Anon explained. Raising an eyebrow the Princess of Friendship tilted her head slightly. “Excuse me?” She asked. “Luna’s gone into a depression because Bethesda is taking forever to make Elder Scrolls 6 so I’m using the fact that Equestria isn’t a part of Earth to get around copyright laws and make it myself. So yeah I need help. And a thousand other ponies who know how to program as well” Anon explained. “Why a thousand?” Twilight asked. “Because Skyrim took six years for a hundred humans to make but I’m under a time crunch so if I have ten times that I can get it done in under eight months” Anon explained. Concerned about how anxious Anon was, Twilight chose to press further. Deep down she felt like she wasn’t getting the whole truth. “Ok but WHY does it need to be done in eight months?” Twilight asked. That’s when Anon started frowning. “Twiggles. Do you know what happened last time Luna got depressed?” Anon asked rhetorically. “No?” Twilight replied, feeling a rant coming on. “First she gets depressed, then she gets apathetic, then she gets HORNY AS FUCK” Anon stated. “Ok I think I get it, I’ll try to hel-“ Twilight tried to move the conversation along before being cut off. “No, I don't think you understand. Luna is twice the size of the average mare, can rip a tree out of the ground with the same effort I use to pick a blade of grass and has a libido TEN TIMES THAT OF THE AVERAGE MARE. I cannot keep taking this, my balls are basically deflated hoof balls now” Anon ranted. “Please stop” Twilight begged as she tried covering her ears. “Oh that’s not even the worst part! The weekly hospital visits for friction burns, the broken ribs. Fuck I’ve had to grab random mares from the night guard, strap a dildo between their legs and have them pretend to be me, all so I can get a five minute break. My spirit is willing but my flesh is spongy and bruised. I. AM. NOT. A. MACHINE! And if I have to go to hospital and explain I’ve got a shattered pelvis just because Todd Howard is taking his sweet time making a game, I’m going to flip!” Now with mental images she will never be free of, Twilight agreed to help Anon. Travelling with him to Manehattan where the technological revolution was in full swing. Using their royal positions they recruited countless young stallions and mares struggling to make their names in the programming business. While normally they would be paid in bits, they instead were paid in being allowed to use Anon and Twilight’s names in references on their resumes. And such Elder Scrolls 6: Hammerfell was made with the blood, sweat and tears of a thousand unpaid interns. And it was pretty shit on release and had many bugs and the DLCs could be argued were not worth the price tag. But her husband made it for her so Luna loved it. And if you called it shit for making Nazeem the main antagonist over the Thalmor, Luna would send you to the dungeons until Celestia released you.
Pinkie part 1In the attic of Sugarcube Corner, Anon the earth pony and his marefriend Pinkie Pie gathered the Main 6 to give them some good news. “Girls, we’re getting married” Anon broke the news. Right on cue Pinkie let off her party cannon, banners and balloons coming down for the ceiling. Letting out excited squeals the girls flocked around Pinkie excitedly. “That’s awesome Pinks!” “We’re so happy for you Darling” “Congratulations Pinkie” “Thanks girls, but we need your help with something super important” Pinkie replied. “Anything Pinks” Rainbow said confidently. Looking at her husband to be, Pinkie let out a giggle while Anon rolled his eyes. “I need help passing the Pie Test” Anon sighed. Now usually the girls had learnt to just accept whatever nonsensical madness that Pinkie and Anon could spit out. But this threw them off guard. “The what?” Twilight asked. “It’s a Pie family tradition. Before Nonny can get my parents blessing to marry me, he has to pass a test consisting of several questions. If my parents think he’s good enough they’ll bless our wedding” Pinkie explained. Pulling a list of questions out of her mane, Pinkie passed it to Twilight. “Ok these aren’t that difficult. I’m sure with enough practice you can answer them. Here, we can try the first one” Twilight said before passing the list to Applejack. “Why do ya want to marry ma’h daughter?” Applejack read out. Now they knew Anon could tell white lies when necessary but when it came to the Element of Honesty he knew he couldn’t get away with it. So he didn’t try. “She’s got a fat ass” Anon said bluntly. With mixed looks of shock, hilarity and confusion the room went silent. “Anon! You can’t say that!” Rarity gasped. “But I’m right, she does have a fat ass” Anon defended himself. “He is right, my flank is big” Pinkie agreed. “Pinkie, he just said he’s marrying you for your looks” Rarity pointed out. “Hey, that's not the only reason. It’s just a MASSIVE perk” Anon replied. “Even if it was, I can't be mad, if you’ve got it you’ve gotta own it!” Pinkie agreed, giving her rear a little shake for the girls. Despite being mildly aroused the girls moved onto the next question. “What can you offer my daughter” Twilight asked. “Money, love and dick” Anon replied. “What is your profession?” Rainbow asked. “Tax evasion and illegal genetic experiments” Anon replied. “What can you offer the Pie family?” Rarity asked. “DNA that’s artificially 49.38 percent zebra, 3.96 percent griffon and 7 percent papaya fruit” Anon replied. Asking several more questions related to farm life, moral values and social standards, the girls came to one conclusion. They knew enough about Pinkie’s family to make a rough guess on what their answer would be. “Anon, I’m sorry but if I was a mother there’s no way in tartarus I would let you marry my daughter” Twilight said. “Same” “Agreed” “Eeyep” “No way” “I would say no, sorry” “Gee girls, thanks for the vote of confidence” Anon asked sarcastically. “Out of curiosity Pinkie. What would happen IF your parents didn’t give Anon their blessing?” Rarity asked. “Well, due to modern Equestrian law there’s nothing legally mandating that we need my parent’s blessing. But Nonny won’t be welcomed on the family rock farm, which is a super bummer because I want all the ponies I love to get along” Pinkie explained. Seeing the situation, the girls began devising a plan. “Alright Anon, you’re going to have to lie” Twilight pointed out. “Ok” Anon agreed, no resistance there whatsoever. As the week progressed, the Pie parents arrived at Ponyville via a wagon. Pinkie was naturally happy to see her parents, they were physically neutral in expression although the pink party pony could tell that her parents were happy to see her as well. On the inside. “Greetings Pinkamina, now where is the suitor we have come to judge?” Cloudy Quartz asked. Stepping forward, Anon began waving his front hoof in a greeting manner “hello Mr and Mrs Pie, I’m Anon” he introduced himself nervously. Giving the younger equine an unimpressed look, the Pie parents followed their daughter and their potential in-law into Sugarcube Corner. The Cakes had taken the week off to visit Carrot’s family so the couple had the place all to themselves. Despite Anon wishing it wasn’t the case. Sat eating a “traditional” Pie family dinner Pinkie had prepared, that being rock soup, the atmosphere was thick enough you’d need a chainsaw to cut it. “Hey Daddy, could you pass the salt?” Pinkie asked. Having to mentally kick himself to avoid reaching for the salt, Anon watched as Igneous Pie passed the salt to his daughter. “Phew, that was a close one” Anon thought to himself. Managing to finish dinner despite the rocky nature of it, Anon got up to do the dishes, being stopped by Pinkie who beat him to it. “Don’t worry about these Nonny I’ll clean them, you keep my parents company while I’m busy. Love you~” Pinkie said as she unceremoniously ditched her coltfriend with her parents. The silence between the three began to ferment, Anon looking them in the eyes as they looked back with significantly less emotion. “So, how did you two meet?” Anon asked. “We don’t like you” Cloudy said bluntly. “Not really the answer I was looking for” Anon thought. “We don’t like you and do not believe you are good enough for our daughter. You have three chances to prove us wrong, two questions and a trial” Cloudy continued. “Trial? Trial!? Pinkie didn’t say anything about a trial!” Anon thought to himself, beginning to panic as his advanced lying lessons became less assured to bring him victory. “First, why do you want to marry our daughter?” Igneous asked. “Dontsaybecauseshe’sgotafatassdontsaybecauseshe’sgotafatassdontsaybecauseshe’sgotafatassdontsaybecauseshe’sgotafatass” Anon’s mind warned him at the speed of light. “Because… because she makes everypony around her smile, it’s hard to be sad when Pinkie is around. She made me happy when I thought I couldn’t be, and I want to do whatever it takes to be there when she needs somepony to make her happy back” Anon explained. “Nailed it” his mind added. Not changing their expression, Anon saw that wouldn’t change how Pinkie’s parents saw him. “Second question, are you confident you can provide for our daughter?” Cloudy asked. Fancy way of saying “do you have money?” “Well I make enough to afford a house between my work in accounting and pharmaceuticals so yes I am” Anon replied. His work with Zecora to turn Equestria’s population into Zebra/Pony hybrids did require quite a bit of chemistry. Looking at each other, Igneous and Cloudy nodded to each other. Getting off of her chair, Cloudy walked around the table until she came up to Anon. Looking passionlessly into his eyes for a moment, Cloudy turned around and proceeded to lift her tail, exposing the scared stallion to her marehood. “Breed me” she said flatly. “What what what!?” Anon crowded out, the shock of being flashed causing him to fall out of his chair. “We need to make sure you are able to sire healthy foals to carry on the Pie bloodline. Now rut me until my hair comes undone” Cloudy ordered. “Nope! That’s nope without a rope! That’s a big nope from me!” Anon replied, backing away from the milf plot. “If you don’t you will fail and we will not give you our blessing to marry Pinkamina” Igneous said, holding a camera in his hooves. “I don’t care. It’s Pinkie who wants your approval, not me. I’m not going to cheat on her let alone with her own mother, if you two don’t like it you can get back on your cart and fuck off” Anon replied, his backbone having grown to the size of a house. A moment of silence filled the room before the Pie couple burst into laughter. Cloudy lowered her tail and Igneous put the camera down, confusing the hell out of Anon. “Oh we got you good!” Cloudy giggled, trying to cover her mouth with her hooves. “I’m sorry but what the hell is going on?” I asked. “You passed the test, you’ve proven that you love our daughter and will remain faithful to her” Igneous explained, still laughing at their prank. Realising he had been dooped, Anon began chuckling along with them, eventually bursting out into full laughter. “That, that was a good one!” Anon laughed. “Yes it was, I was fully willing to kill you where you stood if you tried to breed my wife!” Igneous replied. “Assuming Pinkie didn’t kill me first! She’s terrifying when she’s mad!” Anon cackled. “Now be honest with me, who DO you want to marry my daughter?” Igneous asked as the two stallions laughed together. “Because she’s got a fat ass!” Anon howled with laughter before suddenly stopping as he realised what he just said. Looking into the eyes of Igneous, who had also stopped laughing, Anon began preparing himself to set fire to the town and flee to Mexicow in the chaos. “That. Is the exact reason I married her mother” Igneous replied. “It’s true, before we had our daughters I could crack boulders in half by sitting on them too hard” Cloudy confirmed. “Hey Pinkie can do the same thing” Anon chuckled. “That’s my daughter” Cloudy said proudly upon hearing about the power of Pinkie’s booty. With their blessing given, the Pie family matriarch and patriarch left. After all the excitement our happy couple went to bed, although Anon felt a little conflicted. “Do you think we should have told them about the baby?” Anon asked, cuddling up to his marefriend. Adjusting the hairnet she had to wear as to not suffocate Anon in their sleep (again) Pinkie raised an eyebrow at the stallion. “Are you crazy? I told my Mom we sleep in separate rooms, they both think I’m still a virgin for buck’s sake. If they knew they’d rip you apart” Pinkie replied. “Yeah that… that doesn’t sound very fun. Night Pinkie” Anon said, getting comfortable. “Night Nonny” she replied.
Celestia Part 1On the Sun-kissed beaches of Haywaii, Princess Celestia and her husband Prince-Consort Anon were relaxing. Well at least Anon was. The Princess of the Sun was a bundle of nerves. “Celly, you really need to calm down, Luna can handle running the place on her own for a week” Anon said as he laid back, eyes shielded from the sun via some shades. This had been the first vacation the diarch had taken in a thousand years. For the first time in recorded history she wasn’t at the heart of the Equestrian government. As a result Celestia’s mind was filled with a million worries. They weren’t unfounded, as most of her subordinates outside of Twilight, Inkwell and maybe Shining Armour had all the ability for independent thinking as a potato on a desk being poked to stimulate movement. But on the other hoof, perhaps he had a point? “I’m sorry darling, but I can’t stop myself. I’ve never left full power in the hooves of anypony before, what if something goes wrong?” She asked, anxiety creeping into her mind. Each second came with a new threat or catastrophe to the mind of the Princess. There could be a drought, or a new villain could attack, or worst of all the population could learn about how much of the Royal Budget went to her cake habit. “If it gets to that then Luna can contact us and we can portal back. If she hasn’t sent us any messages then clearly everything’s fine” Anon argued “you’ve spent a thousand years with the bureaucratic framework of Equestria latched onto your awesome teats, you deserve to relax and enjoy yourself more than anybeing in the world” Hearing her husband’s kind words, the Princess of the Sun found herself slightly relaxed. “Maybe you’re right” she mused. “Of course I’m right, like when I suggested we book a private beach” Anon chuckled. Sixty feet away on either side of the couple were five foot stone walls cutting the area of the beach off from public view. “Agreed, that first beach was a disaster” Celestia signed “everypony was so excited to see us” “To see YOU” Anon corrected. “But they really could have done so without swarming us like a horde of parasprites” Celestia continued. “And that second beach was just as bad” Anon reminded her. After being swarmed by waves of over-adoring subjects, the royal couple had tried using Celestia’s magic to disguise her as a simple unicorn mare. “Gossip columns from here to Manehattan will probably be flooded with stories claiming you’re my mistress” Anon groaned. He was already disliked by many for being “not of noble birth” or due to that one time he accidentally released Sombra from the afterlife as part of a joke gone wrong. But now that Equestria would be under the impression he was cheating on their beloved Princess his meagre popularity was going to go into free fall. “It doesn’t matter, ponies will find something else to talk about soon. Let’s just try to enjoy the days we have left together” Celestia suggested as she snuggled up to her smaller husband. (Screw you, he's a short king!) “Finally coming around to it?” Anon asked teasingly. “I suppose, besides, it’s been three days, what could go wrong in three days?” Celesita giggled. -Canterlot- “Thank you for agreeing to help Us through Tia’s official letters Twilight” Luna thanked the Princess of Friendship. “It’s no problem at all Princess, it was a slow day in Ponyville” Twilight replied. Beginning on the first of one hundred and ninety three piles of letters addressed to the Princess of the Sun. Expecting economic reports from one of the countless administrators or perhaps a letter from the royals of far off lands, Twilight found herself… disappointed as she opened the first letter. Going slightly red in the face at its contents, Twilight put the letter to the side before moving onto the next. Once more she hoped it would be a letter that could affect the direction of Equestria’s future. But once more she was disappointed. “Erm, Princess?” Twilight asked cautiously. “Hm?” Luna asked nonchalantly, not even looking up as she opened another letter. “Some of these letters seem a little… off?” Twilight tried to explain, embarrassment leaking out her voice. “Oh did you get a love confession to Tia followed by a picture of a stallion touching himself?” Luna asked casually. “Wait! Did you get one too!?” Twilight replied in shock. “About half of the letters Tia receives are like that. Here, I’ll teach you a quick spell to detect them” Luna explained. -Back with Celestia and Anon- “Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!” Celestia squealed in joy as she went down the zip line. Despite being able to fly, Celestia found exhilarating joy in shooting down the line. Anon on the other hand… “Ahhhh! Lord Baby Jesus I don’t wanna die!” He yelled in panic. The unicorn had lost control and was now shooting towards the bottom of the hill at breakneck speed rump first. Smacking several palm trees on his way down, Anon eventually slid to the bottom of the line with an unceremonious halt. “Wow! That was incredible! Can we go a- OH MY SUN!” Celestia gasped as she saw the state of her husband. Currently dislodging a particularly thick branch from his rear, Anon tried to put on a brave face for his wife. “It’s all good, I think I got the hang of it if you want to go again” Anon chuckled. Looking over her husband with a face of worry, Celestia’s expression was met by a seemingly forced smile. “Well, only if you’re sure” Celestia said hesitantly. “I’m sure! It’s all good” Anon said, chuckling again. “Alright then. It’s good to hear because there’s another eight I’d like to try” Celestia replied, excitement joining her voice. “Yippee” Anon said forcefully. Several hours of zip lining later, the couple went to a beach side restaurant for dinner. Watching the locals put on a hula dance as they enjoyed their hey-steaks, Celestia couldn’t help but look at the battered figure that was her husband. “Are you sure you’re fine Anon?” She asked. Smiling with more than two missing teeth, Anon nodded his head. Raising an eyebrow, Celestia flashed a doubting look at her husband. “Ok ok I hated it everything hurts” Anon groaned. “You shouldn’t have lied, just look at these bruises” Celestia replied in a caring tone. “I know, but you were having fun and I didn’t want to spoil your holiday” Anon admitted. “Anon, you don’t have to do anything that’s going to hurt you just because it makes me happy” Celestia stated. Leaning in she planted a kiss on his cheek before moving her muzzle to his ear. “Once we get back to our room I’ll make it up to you” she whispered. “Oh~” Anon said, his tail starting to wag in excitement. “I’ve found a special lotion from Ponegypt. I can give you a massage to help with the pain” Celestia explained. “Oh” Anon said disappointedly. “Also I can sit on your face” Celestia whispered. “Oh!~” Anon said as his excitement returned. The couple would spend another week in Haywaii. Enjoying every moment together. When they returned home, Canterlot had been burnt down as Luna tried to make baked beans and Anon was hospitalised with an atomised pelvis. Author's Note Merry Christmas
