Author's Note
As was mentioned in the description, this was written for FimFic's annual Secret Santa fic writing event, Jinglemas! It's quite a departure from what I usually write so I hope it's to all your liking.
Most likely back to "Oops, all dystopian drama!" after this. Unless it does really well and I get a ton of encouragement. Then I may write more funnies.
Merry Chrysalis
14:22 - 12/12/1005 - Canterlot
It was the perfect plan.
Even though Queen Chrysalis danced on the precipice of capturing Canterlot nearly three years ago, she failed on a fluke. The power of love that she coveted so desperately was used against her and sent her forces packing. Now she was back, seeking the same goal of conquering Equestria, but with a radically different approach.
They called him ‘Neighbells’. As part of the revelry surrounding their obscene holiday season, the ponies had developed a culture around a mythical white-bearded reindeer who dressed in bright red robes and delivered presents to all the foals of Equestria on Hearth’s Warming Eve. Neighbells wasn’t real, of course, and everyone over a certain age knew it. But ponies deluded their giddy, impressionable children into believing that Neighbells really existed!
Ponies hired actors to play Neighbells in public places so the children could relay all their Hearth’s Warming wishes onto them. With those wishes came all the love and respect they held for their icon, ripe for the taking. Normally this was done by a pony in costume and makeup, yet any actual deer, rein or otherwise, willing to take up the job got hired on the spot. No problem for a changeling!
That was the plan, a plan so obvious yet so perfect. Participate in Equestria’s silly festivities, subvert their cherished traditions, corrupt their youth, and get a nice helping of love while they were at it. Use the trip to smuggle some weapons into Canterlot, too.
Getting inside Canterlot was shockingly trivial considering how recent her last attempted takeover was. A few fake resumes, add in some phone numbers of changeling operatives for references, throw in a flawless deer disguise, plus the whole jolly act, and the ‘mall Neighbells’ job was hers.
Really, every way she looked at it, it was the perfect plan.
“So why isn’t this working?”
Chrysalis glared daggers at Sclerite, watching him cower under her stare. “What did you say?” Chrysalis spat.
“Ah! I-I’m sorry!” Sclerite whined. He was weak and pathetic normally. With him in a deer form and dressed in a ridiculous reinelf costume, it was somehow worse.
Pharynx, also in a deer disguise, stepped in between Chrysalis and Sclerite. “Your Highness, please forgive Sclerite. I’m certain he doesn’t mean to be insubordinate. But I have to confess, I’m thinking the same thing.” He fiddled with his costume, the bells jingling. “Is this really worth it?”
“Worth it? How can you say that, it’s not even noon yet! There’s still time for all of this to fall into place!” Chrysalis insisted. Perhaps more to herself than to her subjects.
“Your Highness, I’m not even sure what we’re doing here,” Pharynx admitted.
Chrysalis could ignore the ignorant opinions of the inexperienced Sclerite, this was his first time out of the hive. Pharynx, however, was one of her most trusted and capable minions, making him far harder to dismiss, especially as he actually had a point.
Turns out the children of Equestria did not have boundless love to give to the Neighbells character. So far it was mostly entitlement and snot. In some ways that was good, for it certainly didn’t bode well for the future of Equestria if this is how the next generation was being raised. Yet in the ways Chrysalis hoped, they were far less malleable. Stubborn in the most infuriating ways imaginable, seemingly committed to being obstinate. Did these pony parents not instil fear and ironhoof obedience into their young?
It went beyond the ponies themselves. For all the extremely positive and tantalising advertisements promising that this or that was ‘made with love’, they were stranded in a sea of soullessness. Every store they passed on the way was draped in gaudy greens and ridiculous reds as part of a screaming match for attention. Everywhere emblazoned with posters and placards promising prestigious products in big bold text whilst keeping the catch in significantly smaller text. The Neighbells grotto itself was no better, a plastic throne on a plastic set with plastic props. Who knew that being lied to for someone else’s benefit felt so awful? And why did everything smell so tacky?
She forced the doubt out of her mind. “I order that the both of you stick to the plan and stop questioning me at once!” she barked. “We are changelings! Perseverance and patience is in our blood!”
A third deer-disguised-changeling stepped before Chrysalis, Pharynx’s failure of a brother Thorax. “Well I don’t mind staying here a little longer…” he murmured.
Thorax wanted to see life in Equestria and Pharynx thought it was about time he did something for the hive, so he was brought along too. A poor choice in retrospect.
“Silence!” She whacked Thorax on the back of the head. “Summon the next foal!”
“Uhh, yes, Your Highness!” he stammered, running to the entrance to call “Next!”
Chrysalis’ little grotto was in a separate, purpose built room with an entrance and exit on either side of her throne. Useful, as she didn’t want the whole mall to see or hear her commanding and berating her minions. Just outside, a lengthy queue of little fillies and colts eagerly awaited the chance to meet Neighbells.
After Thorax called, a giddy young unicorn colt dashed into the grotto. From the taste of awe and excitement coming from the boy, she had no doubt that he really believed he was meeting the real Neighbells. It wasn’t love, but the flavour wasn’t far off. She resisted the urge to lick her lips.
Chrysalis quietly cleared her throat as the colt hopped up onto her lap. “Hohoho, why hello there little colt!” she chortled, trying to remember the script. “Now, what do you want for Hearth’s Warming?”
“I want a dog!” said the colt, his eyes gleaming with enthusiasm.
“A dog?” They wanted an animal? Why? To eat? Aren’t ponies herbivores? Maybe for their milk? Then she remembered, ponies keep weaker animals as pets. And dogs, well… “Of course, a dog! An obedient creature that will follow your every command!”
“Yeah! I- uh-” the colt stammered. “What?”
“Yes, I understand perfectly!” she cackled. “Few creatures on this earth are so keen to please their masters, regardless of how you treat them! Unquestioningly deferent, infinitely tolerant of abuse! Truly, the perfect minion!”
“No, no I don’t want that!” The colt shook his hooves in Chrysalis’s face. “I want a dog because… dogs make cool friends!”
“But-” Chrysalis scratched her head, struggling to understand what they wanted. “Don’t you want an obedient minion? Or to gain something for yourself out of the animal?”
The colt glanced over his shoulder. “...No?”
“What, you want to make a friend out of the animal for the sake of having a friend?” Chrysalis said with a sardonic edge to her voice.
The colt blinked. “...Y-yea?” he said, shrugging.
Oh. Right. Ponies. “Well, then. I’m sure I can get you a dog. No worries at all,” said Chrysalis through gritted teeth.
Whatever sense of amazement or admiration the colt had for her evaporated entirely. Swiftly shuffling off of Chrysalis’s lap, the colt backed away from her and rushed out of the grotto.
“Excellent attempt, Your Highness!” Pharynx gave a firm salute. “Keep it up, and at least some of Equestria’s youth will be corrupted by the end of the next decade!”
“Shut up,” grumbled Chrysalis.
“Next!”
A pegasus filly, her curly hair framing a mischievous smirk, sauntered into the grotto. She fluttered up to Chrysalis's lap, greeting with a casual “Hiya, Neighbells!” Chrysalis almost missed the subtle undercurrents of wrath and greed that hung in the air, much like a fish unaware of their immersion in water.
“Oh ho ho! Aren’t you eager?” Chrysalis chortled. “What can I get you this year, little filly?”
“I want a BB gun!” she blurted out.
“A BB gun?” Sclerite butted in, wholly unprompted and without permission. “You’d shoot your eye out, kid!”
“Jinglehooves!” Chrysalis spat at Sclerite, hoping she’d remembered the dumb stupid character’s idiotic name correctly. She turned back to the filly bearing a toothy grin. “Why, of course I can get you a BB gun! What do you want it for? Don’t worry, I won’t put you on the naughty list!”
“Oh boy, where to start?” the filly chuckled. “I can keep my annoying older brother from bothering me so much! Maybe Miss Badbone will think twice about giving me so much homework once I show her what that bad boy will do! Oh, and that kid next door who always gets bigger and better presents than me and won’t stop bragging? Yeah, shoot her windows out! That’ll knock her down a peg!”
Chrysalis cackled. “I like the way you think! Yet, why limit yourself to a BB gun? Tinseltrot!”
Pharynx snapped up at the sound of his character’s name. “Yes, Your H- Neighbells?”
“Give this filly some dynamite!” Chrysalis ordered.
“Some what?” Pharynx blinked.
“Dynamite!?” the filly beamed.
“Or some hand grenades if we’re low on dynamite. Perhaps an anti personnel mine if we’re in a pinch,” Chrysalis added.
Quickly acceding to the Queen’s orders, Pharynx rushed to rummage through the decorative presents surrounding the throne which they’d used to smuggle weapons into Canterlot. He quickly gathered a few sticks of dynamite and stuffed them into a bag, which he passed to the filly.
“Aw yeah, sweet!” The filly snatched up the bag and marvelled at its contents, taking a few sticks out to inspect closer. “This’ll show ‘em! Thanks guys!” she said, fluttering out of the grotto with the bag on her back whilst juggling a few sticks in her hooves.
With the filly gone, Pharynx turned to Chrysalis. “Don’t we need to use those, Your Highness?”
“We are using it!” she insisted. “She’ll destroy something and they’ll never know that we had a hoof in it!”
Pharynx rubbed the back of his head. “Your strategic brilliance never ceases to amaze me, Your Highness.”
“Next!”
A diminutive, rotund unicorn colt, adorned in a swampy palette, clumsily waddled into the grotto. He said nothing as he climbed onto Chrysalis’s lap, punctuating the air with frequent sniffs. Chrysalis herself struggled to discern his emotions by taste, detecting subdued sparks of excitement over an undercurrent of hope.
“Well well, little one, what would you like for Hearth’s Warming-”
The child sneezed a fat blast of snot all over Chrysalis’ chest.
“Eugh!” Chrysalis yowled. Sclerite chortled in amusement. A menacing glare from Chrysalis abruptly stifled his mirth.
A low, nasally “Uugh,” escaped the colt's lips as he clumsily attempted to wipe his nose with a hoof, leaving a trail of muck in its wake. He put that same hoof on her lap, inadvertently smearing the filth further. “I’m sorry Neighbells…”
A scowl on her face, Chrysalis pushed the colt off of her lap and reached into a box on the side. “Please, just take this and go!” she demanded, pushing a box of tissues onto the colt.
The colt gasped, their eyes glistening with wonder as he levitated the box in front of him. “It’s just what I wanted!” he snorted.
He hopped to the exit, each step accompanied by a rhythmic symphony of snorts into a tissue. With them gone, Chrysalis fired subtle arcs of magic from her unseen horn that meticulously burned away the lingering snot, the process accompanied by Chrysalis’s audible groans and grunts
Thorax stepped up to Chrysalis. “Um, Your Highness? Couldn’t you just change into a clean costume?” he suggested, pointing to a rack of spare holiday clothes off to the side.
Chrysalis sighed, still zapping away what little residue remained. “The costume is part of my disguise form!”
“Oh so it’s-” Thorax’s mouth clamped shut. “Oh, eugh.”
Pharynx marched to the entrance in his brother’s place. “Next!”
The next pony was a remarkably small filly, sporting braces on her chattering teeth and thick, circular glasses over her uncertain gaze. She shuffled into the grotto hesitantly, her eyes darting between Chrysalis and her minions. Chrysalis shivered as the delectable taste of fear wafted onto her tongue, and it became nearly irresistible for her not to grin.
“Hello there, little filly! Hohoho!” Chrysalis introduced herself, letting the filly up onto her lap. “What can I get you for Hearth’s Warming?”
“Could you, um…” the filly sniffed, pushing her glasses up her snout. “Could you help me?”
“Help you how?”
“The other foals at school…” The filly tapped her hooves together. “Well, they’re not being nice to me. They make fun of how I look, they laugh at me when my glasses fall off, they push me around for a joke…”
“They’re bullying you?”
The filly whimpered. “...Yes.”
“Huh.” While Chrysalis was certainly no stranger to bullying the weak, it was something that got dull quickly. They had no capacity to resist, so where’s the challenge? Where’s the triumph? Where was the glory in watching their pride fall before your righteous might? It’s boring! Admittedly, there was an urge to kick the filly while they were down, but that would be unsatisfying. Usually.
At least, nowhere near as satisfying as exploiting an opportunity for havoc.
Chrysalis grinned. “Here, kid.” She reached into her coat and produced a small, bright-red spray bottle. “Don’t show this to your parents, keep it close.”
The filly adjusted her glasses, studying the bottle with curious awe. “What is this?”
Chrysalis giggled. “It’s a magical potion that will make all your bullies go away! Simply aim the spraying end at your bullies and fire away. But never use it on yourself!”
“Wow! Thanks, Neighbells!” the filly said, smiling ear to ear. She skipped off of Chrysalis’s lap and sprinted out of the grotto.
Sclerite turned to Chrysalis with a quizzical expression. “Since when were you carrying pepper spray?”
Chrysalis sighed. “I wouldn’t expect you to know this,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But going out to seek the love and affection of ponies often draws unwanted assailants.”
“Can’t you just use your magic to defend yourself? Or any of our other weapons?” Sclerite inquired innocently.
“Blasting a pony to dust would reveal my disguise!” Chrysalis groaned. “How can you not know that and call yourself an infiltrator?”
“I never asked to be an infiltrator...” he muttered under his breath.
“Good on you for warning her not to spray herself, Your Highness,” Pharynx said.
Chrysalis facehoofed and groaned. “Drat, why did I say that?”
“Next!”
A young colt wearing a bowtie barged into the grotto, nearly throwing Thorax off his hooves. “Hey you! Neighbells!” he bellowed.
Chrysalis retched, the familiar stench of entitlement reeking off of this child far more rancid and intense, like she was being waterboarded with spoilt milk. Regardless, she tried to keep up her demeanour. “Well hello there, little colt!”
“You only got me sixty-two presents last year, and not one of them was the turbo-quadbike I specifically asked for!” whined the colt as he stomped up to the throne.
Kids were getting quadbikes for Hearth’s Warming? Chrysalis resisted the urge to scratch her head, shrugging instead. Not that she was one to judge what was being given to kids, admittedly.
“So you owe me a turbo-quadbike right now!” He jumped up to her lap.
“Oh, ho ho!” Chrysalis grunted a chuckle as the colt heaved himself onto her lab. “Well I’m sure I can add that to your Hearth’s Warming list-”
“Nuh uh, not Hearth’s Warming! I want it now!” he demanded punctuated with a stomp on her lap. Chrysalis winced at the impact.
Chrysalis forced another chuckle, more strained this time. “I’m afraid I don’t have that with me right now, but I’m sure if you-”
The colt's hoof met Chrysalis's face with an impudent smack. “I said now!”
That really did it. “Why, you little-” Almost reflexively, Chrysalis retaliated. Delivering a forceful backhoofed strike that sent the colt hurtling across the grotto, his rotund form tumbling unceremoniously to the floor. “Out! You spoiled brat!” she commanded, springing from her throne to emphatically point towards the exit.
Struggling to his hooves, the colt's face reddened, a hoof going to his struck cheek, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Mooom!" he wailed, clumsily galloping to the exit.
Chrysalis collapsed back onto her throne, emitting a frustrated groan. "By the good mother, is this how Equestria is raising its children? Are they doing all the youth corrupting for me?" she pondered.
“Only good news I’m sure, Your Highness,” said Pharynx.
Chrysalis huffed. “Get on with the next pony.”
“Ne-”
Thorax was thrown aside again as an adult mare sporting a bob cut explosively burst into the grotto. The petulant colt was by her side. “You!” the mare screeched, thrusting an accusatory hoof in Chrysalis's direction. Her face contorted into a severe scowl, an aura of entitlement wafting from her with a potency even more pronounced than that of any of the children. No wonder where the colt got it from.
“Great, what now?” Chrysalis sighed, burying her face in a hoof.
“You've got some real explaining to do!” the mare whined, advancing toward the throne. “How dare you make my precious innocent little lamb so upset?”
“Made him upset?” Chrysalis scoffed. “He hit me!”
“I demand to speak with your manager!” the mare ordered, stomping her hooves. “Where's your manager?”
Chrysalis narrowed her eyes and grit her teeth. She didn’t have to deal with this, especially as nobody was watching. “You think one such as I could be watched over by a mere manager? Pharynx!”
The mare raised an eyebrow. “Pharynx? Who’s-”
Hissing, Pharynx leapt at the mare and effortlessly tackled her to the ground. The colt nearly screamed, not before Pharynx slapped a glob of slime over his mouth thus immediately silencing him. Subduing him was no trouble at all. He similarly gagged the mare, and within a minute both ponies had been encased in a slimy cocoon, floating limp and unconscious within its gooey interior.
Admiring her minions’ work, Chrysalis let out a cackle. “Excellent! When we’re done here, take these two back to the hive for love extraction!”
Pharynx ran his muzzle over the cocoon, sniffing. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Your Highness.”
“What do you mean?” Chrysalis cocked an eyebrow.
Pharynx sniffed the cocoon again. “There doesn’t seem to be a drop of love in them. Every emotion is just…” He recoiled. “Bitter.”
“Pah, worry about that later,” she said dismissively as she concealed the cocoon inside a comically large red bag. “Summon the next pony!”
On the Queen’s command, Thorax poked his head out of the grotto. “Hey, where are all the ponies-” He jumped back. “Oh crud.”
“What is it, minion?”
“It’s-” A thunderous stampede of actual reindeer crashed into the grotto, their hooves trampling over Thorax. Nearly a dozen reindeers, each towering almost as tall as Chrysalis's true height, charged towards her throne. Among them, the smaller ones went out of their way to smash some of the decorations, leaving chaos in their wake. Chrysalis could taste the acrid tang of hatred permeating the air, a flavour she would typically savour if the peculiarity hadn't completely caught her off guard.
“Equestrian!” The lead reindeer marched forward, a regal figure with a bearded chin held high, his aged visage teeming with indignation. “You appropriate our winter traditions and make a mockery of our culture!”
Gobsmacked, Chrysalis struggled to formulate a response. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Neighbells!” the lead reindeer scoffed. “What an obscene distortion of the Ringer Deer! Have you no shame?”
Chrysalis blinked. “Ringer Deer?” she muttered. Perhaps some more research should've been done into the origins of these festivities.
“We hereby demand that you Equestrians refer to our cultural figures properly and cease all the vulgar nonsense that you taint our traditions with at once!” the leader commanded, punctuated with a stomp of their hoof.
It took a moment for Chrysalis to get over the shock, yet being told what to do by an inferior creature knocked her into lucidity. “And who do you think you are to be ordering me around?”
“Who are you to steal and mock our culture?” the reindeer clapped back.
Chrysalis reached into her pocket for her pepper spray, only to find nothing. Drat. Shouldn’t have been so generous to that one kid. She’d have to stand her ground another way. “How could you dare treat another creature this way? And a fellow reindeer, no less!”
A smaller reindeer barged in front of the leader. “That beard’s not even real is it?”
“Excuse me, wha-”
The little reindeer snatched Chrysalis's beard and gave it a sharp tug.
“Aagh!” Chrysalis shrieked as she was yanked forwards. “What is wrong with you?”
“Imposters, the lot of you!” The smaller reindeer made another heave. “Bloody hell, this is really glued on!”
“It’s real, you imbecile!” While the form was fake, the pulling on her beard felt real as ever. Chrysalis tried to bat the assaulting reindeer away to no avail, their pulls getting stronger. Other reindeer took the chance to take kicks at her set, kicks at her throne, kicks at her legs. One reindeer was really smashing up the comically large red sack for some reason. Her changeling minions (well actually, just Pharynx) leapt to the Queen’s defence only for the numbers of the reindeer to overwhelm them. It was quickly descending into a chaotic brawl.
It didn’t take long until Chrysalis had had enough. Magic charged around her head. “Oh you piece of-”
A flash and a bang. Energy surged from Chrysalis's concealed horn, violently propelling every reindeer off their hooves. The faint crackling of magic lingered over the abrupt silence. As the chaos settled, Chrysalis and her changelings regrouped.
The lead reindeer, now on his hooves, rubbed his head in bewilderment. “What on- Reindeer’s can’t do magic like that. That means…”
It was then she realised her lapse in judgement. “Run!”
Chrysalis, flanked by her loyal changelings, burst out of the grotto in a swift sprint. The thundering hooves of the enraged reindeer followed behind in relentless pursuit. The chaotic chase echoed through the mall, a symphony of hurried hoofsteps and the occasional clash of antlers against store displays. Curiously, there wasn’t a pony in sight.
“Shouldn’t there be ponies out here?” Thorax said through panting breaths. “They didn’t evacuate over that, did they?”
“Don’t you know how skittish and cowardly ponies are by now?” said Pharynx.
Bounding into the expansive atrium, Chrysalis and her changelings slowed at the foot of the huge shimmering Hearth's Warming tree near the mall’s entrance. Spinning around to see they may have escaped, they slowed as their breaths came out in ragged bursts. Only then the reindeer suddenly intercepted their path to the exit. Each majestic creature loomed imposingly, effectively barricading the route. The changelings, propelled forward by their earlier momentum, skidded to an abrupt halt, their agile frames contorting to avoid a collision.
Staring across at their opponents, Chrysalis weighed her options. The mall seemed to be emptied of its ponies, so she could take these clowns on herself and easily win. But it was not without risk, if a pony saw that she was in Canterlot, her infiltration plans were over.
“Do you hear that?” Sclerite said. As the others were about to ask him to specify, their ears perked up too. A distinct rumbling from elsewhere in the mall could be heard, rapidly increasing in volume like an incoming avalanche. The changelings turned around to where it was coming from.
Doors were torn open as a platoon of overweight mall cops burst into the atrium, every footfall sounding like a hammer crashing against stone. The lot of them were equipped with stun batons and tasers, wielded with magic by the unicorns and sloppily in their hooves by the non-horned among them. The chief mall cop, presumably the chief at least, given he was larger than all the others, marched and pulled up a megaphone. “Attention reindeer rioters! You are all under arrest for disturbing the peace and wrecking up our Neighbells grotto!”
Finding themselves caught in the middle, the changelings kept looking back and forth. “What do we do, Your Highness?” Sclerite whispered, sweat coming down his face in heavy beads.
“Yes, Officers! Them!” Chrysalis shrieked, jabbing a hoof at the assembly of reindeers and putting on an innocent face with practised finesse. “They’re the vandals who scared away all the customers and attacked us wholly unprovoked!”
“Step aside, Neighbells!” The chief mall cop marched past her, buying the act completely. “It’s lookin’ like this might get ugly!” he grunted, readying his taser. The changelings readily took the chance to scurry aside.
“Officers, that is no Neighbells!” The head reindeer asserted. “They are an imposter! Not even a real deer!”
“That’s what you weirdos always say!” the chief mall cop shouted back. “Now surrender, or we’re gonna have to use force!”
“We won’t let these jackbooted thugs of the Canterlonian elite stamp out resistance to their cultural imperialism!” one of the reindeer barked. “Attack!”
A handful of reindeer charged, soon followed by the rest who’d been swept up in the adrenaline of the moment. Instead of doing the sensible thing and taking up a defensive formation, the mall cops dashed into a charge too. (Well, “dashed” may be an exaggeration.)
Hooves pounded against tiles until they crashed into each other like a rocky avalanche tumbling into a hard place. The reindeers quickly took the upper hoof, hurling mall cops into the air and launching them like wrecking balls into stores and benches. Yet sheer weight of numbers and numbers of weight threatened to rapidly overwhelm the reindeer as many were knocked down by batons and stunned by tasers.
The changelings, however, did not care about the progress of the battle. They fled into an abandoned store and finally savoured the chance to catch their breath. “Oh my gosh,” Sclerite panted, collapsing onto the floor as his deer disguise flashed away to reveal his changeling form. “Does this normally happen on infiltration missions?”
Thorax dropped onto a dusty chair, shedding his form too. “At least I can say I know a lot more about Equestria now.”
Only Pharynx didn’t appear worn, keeping an upright stature as he returned to his changeling self. “How do you feel about the plan now, Your Highness?”
Chrysalis took another glance out at the atrium to see the chaos still ongoing. She turned back to her minions and sighed. “Screw it, let’s just kidnap the Princesses again.”
