How Often Do You Think About The Ponyan Empire?

by hamster wizard

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 1576

Like, four or five times a day, minimum.

Equus iocus.

Twilight ponders the fragile nature of her sanity in today's little adventure.

Published 2023-12-17 20:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-12-17 20:10:00 UTC

Every day

“What do you mean, every day?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged, her rapid wing-beats keeping her hovering in place. “I mean, that I think about it pretty much every day. Usually a couple times a day.”

The two friends were having an ordinary, friendly discussion out in the center of Ponyville, on a quite ordinary sunny day.

Twilight narrowed her eyes, her baleful gaze piercing deep into her friend’s soul. “Why in Equestria would you think about the Ponyan Empire on a daily basis?”

“Because it’s rad as hell, duh? Like, don’t you ever dream about it?” Dash’s eyes lit up with a childlike wonder as she spoke in reverence.

Twilight sighed. “About… the empire?”

Dash nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! Like, when I’m out training, I just daydream about what it would be like to be there. Flying in formation with your fellow centurions, and running down your enemies across the countryside like a tidal wave destroying all in your path. Think about it, you and your fellow soldiers, the most badflank, well-trained, kitted out fighting force that had ever, or will ever kick ass? So awesome,” she cooed out like a filly.

Twilight however was unamused.

“And you just think about this on the regular? As in every day? Completely unprompted?”

“Yeah. Why, don’ t you?” Dash asked.

“No.”

Dash tilted her head. “That’s weird.”

“It’s… not?” Twilight questioned, “I’m fairly certain that most ponies don’t daydream about ancient civilizations on the regular.”

“Pretty sure you’re wrong about that. Look, there’s Fluttershy, ask her about it.” Dash pointed out the pony in question as she spoke.

Certainly enough, when Twilight turned her head she could spot Fluttershy trotting along the road, daintily carrying a basket of fresh produce.

“Why would Fluttershy possibly, ever, daydream about the Ponyan Empire?” Twilight asked flatly, “she’s Fluttershy. You know her! She thinks about bunnies, and sparrows, and other tiny woodland critters!

“Yeah, and she also thinks about how sick it would be to get a bunch of your friends together and execute a perfect testudo formation.”

Twilight groaned. “Okay, let’s settle this then.”

The two ponies trotted over to Fluttershy, who had stopped by the side of the road to smell a random wildflower. She noticed the two of them approaching and gave them a quick wave and a smile.

“Oh, hi there Twilight, hi Rainbow. Isn’t it a lovely day today?” she asked them sweetly.

“Fluttershy, how often do you think about the Ponyan Empire?” Dash immediately asked her.

Fluttershy put a hoof to her chin in thought, pondering the question for a moment. “If I had to guess, at least three times a day?”

Dash looked at Twilight with a smug grin.

Twilight sputtered, “What?”

Fluttershy nodded. “Sometimes I would guess it’s four or five times a day, but it’s just one of those background things you don’t really keep track of.”

Twilight nodded. “Right. I see. So this is a joke?”

Fluttershy blinked. “What do you mean?”

Twilight continued, “you and Dash are playing a little prank on me. Because the idea that you, Fluttershy, would on a daily basis find yourself in remembrance of an empire which fell over one-thousand years ago, is a tad absurd is it not?” she asked with a touch of annoyance in her voice.

Fluttershy frowned slightly. “I don’t think there’s anything strange about it? It’s just that whenever my animals gather to be fed, I think about how cute they would be, all grouped up in a phalanx together wearing matching helmets. Sometimes though, I find myself imagining that they were the barbarian hordes, coming to sack our cities for their riches, and then I get kind of scared.” Fluttershy shuddered slightly. “But it’s okay, I know they’re not unigoths, they would never sack the city of Pone.”

“Okay. Sure. That makes sense I guess?” Twilight was at something of a loss for words. “Is this like a pegasus thing? Is that why I’m not getting it?”

Pinkie Pie happened to be bounding by at that moment, and upon seeing three of her friends gathered, she decided to make it a foursome.

“Hello party ponies! Whatcha doin’ around here?” she asked enthusiastically as she bounced over.

“Talking about the Ponyan Empire.” Dash responded.

Pinkie gasped. “NO WAY. That’s such a coincidence, because I was just thinking about how Carousel Boutique looks kind of like the Colosseum! Which would make Rarity a Gladiatrix, which sort of fits because she has a cat which is almost like having a lion! I should mention it to her next time I see her! Just yesterday day she was talking about making a line of dresses inspired by the Pegasus Pegantheon, so she’ll probably get a hoot out of it!”

Carousel Boutique doesn’t look anything like the Colosseum though? Twilight found herself thinking.

Twilight squinted, letting out a low, forced chuckle. “Ah Pinkie, of course! You are a known prankster after all! I should’ve known you set up this little charade.”

Pinkie hopped in place. “Ooh, are we playing charades now? I’ll go first!” She then proceeded to quickly pull out a number of props from seemingly nowhere, donning a bronze breastplate and helmet while arming herself with a round shield and a spear.

A passing pony stopped to gawk at Pinkie’s display and shouted out, “wow Pinkie, nice hoplite costume!”

Another passerby chimed in, “can I borrow that sometime? I’d love to get a picture with that armor alongside the chariot I made!

“Looks just like the model I saw when I visited Ponypeii!”

“We talking about ancient Pone? I have opinions on that.”

“I’m on a Marediterranean diet right now, does that count?”

“Semper liber!”

“I also think about the empire on a daily basis!”

As more and more ponies joined the horde, Twilight was becoming more and more irate, not only because her conversation had been interrupted by an impromptu mob of ponies talking about the Ponyan Empire, but because she was quickly being proven wrong. Not that she particularly minded being incorrect, but considering the absurdity of the subject matter, she found herself at a bit of a loss.

It did indeed appear as though the average pony thought about this far more frequently than she had initially thought. She needed more data, and considering her friends were busy arguing about which Ponyan Emperor was best, she assumed that she wouldn’t be missed as she slunk away from the situation.

“At least once a day, why ya asking?” Applejack responded mid buck. Her kick collided with the tree behind her as she worked and a torrent of apples quickly appled into the basket beside her.

“Et tu, AJ?” Twilight despondently replied with a shake of her head. “What am I missing here? Am I the only sane pony left in this town?”

Applejack wiped some sweat from her brow. “Look Twi, I’m fairly certain that whatever cockamamie mission you’re on today doesn’t really matter all that much.”

Twilight awaited on her friend to finish her statement. “But?”

AJ frowned. “No butts today, I got work work to do.”

”But why? Why does everypony think about ancient Pone so much? I don’t get it!”

Applejack shrugged. “It’s just cool I guess. It’s like, you think about books pretty often, right?”

“Yes?”

“Pretty much every day?” she probed.

Twilight nodded. “Constantly.”

“It’s like that,” concluded AJ.

The unicorn frowned. “It is NOT like that at all! Books are a valuable part of everyday life! The Ponyan Empire has been gone for centuries! Centuries Applejack!”

“I mean, so was Luna, but I bet Celestia thought about her every day.”

“It’s not the same thing!” Twilight fumed.

Applejack stared at Twilight in silence for a moment, in reverence of her purpleness, a lingering malfeasance rippling in the space between the two mares as they locked eyes.

“Can I get back to work now?”

“It just doesn’t make any sense Spike.” Twilight muttered as she paced around the magical map of friendship in the center of her magical crystal tree castle of destiny that had literally grown out of the ground, the very day that her previous house had been destroyed. “Why is everypony so obsessed with the Ponyan Empire?”

Spike put down the comic book he had been reading and glanced at Twilight. “Because it’s cool?”

”Spike, that is an exceptionally inadequate answer. That would be comparable to me telling you I think about swordfish every single day because I think they’re awesome.”

“Do you?” asked Spike.

“No, of course not!”

“Well that’s kind of a weird example to use then,” he responded, returning to his reading.

“Weirder than thinking about ancient Pone constantly?!” the mare shouted.

“Yeah, because everyone already does.”

“Evidently!” Twilight inelegantly flopped to the floor in distress, bemoaning her failure of comprehension in this scenario. She rolled onto her back, lost in thought as she took in the cavernous interior of her castle.

“What am I supposed to do now Spike?” Twilight asked, feeling utterly defeated.

Spike didn’t even look up as he spoke, “Nothing? Like, this information literally has no affect on your life. Just move on.”

Twilight scrunched her face in thought.

“What, just like that? I can’t end things right here!”

Author's Note

Q: how would you pronounce the word Ponyan?
A:

Q: isn't this joke kind of stale at this point?
A: no, it's brand new, really. you're probably just misremembering.