A Discordant Tale

Chapters

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Prologue
Chapter 5

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"... Ouch." The pain. The all-encompassing, burning, agonizing pain. I feel like I've been torn to pieces by wolves and then hastily put back together, but not before each of those pieces were dunked in pure alcohol and then set on fire.

Pain is good. At least you're alive to feel it.

"... Shut... Up."

You must really be out of it if you expect me to honor that request. Now stop whining and open your eyes. Remember what Discord said. We have to make a good-

"First impression, blah blah bladeh blah. I know. And getting caught here would hardly help that. But frankly, I'm finding it hard to care much about anything on account of the fact that I feel like I'm being burned alive! Also, did you just say 'we'? You may have individuality now, but you're still part of me."

You're looking at it the wrong way. Two halves make a whole. In this case, your once split personality is now two completely independent minds continuously coexisting in the same body. Neither of us controls the other, but we cannot be separated.

"So... Essentially you're like a hobo that's moved into my house and now refuses to move out?"

If that's what makes your uncomfortable, then yes.

"This is far from what I had in mind when Discord said he’d let me control magic, but whatever. I just hope I don't regret it."

I finally opened my eyes to find myself lying prone on a patch of grass before Discord's stone prison, right where he said he'd transport us. To my left was the entrance to the Canterlot Maze. Much further off to my right, the regal beauty of Canterlot Palace. Directly above my head, the midnight moon shone with a white so bright it was almost blinding, and the stars twinkled in the sky far more clearly than I'd ever seen them from my city home.

I forced myself up with a groan and attempted to steady my nerves. Already, feeling was returning to my limbs and the pain had begun to fade. I noted that I had arrived in the very same clothes I’d left the human Earth in (A plain black T, knee-long khakis and some cheap slip-on shoes) despite the fact that I had been buck naked in-between worlds. At the very least Discord had been practical enough to allow me to cover up my hairless body in the chill of the night. I had a couples tasks to perform, I knew that much, but I wasn't sure where to begin.

I can help with that. Mental recap time!

For the love of god, please don-

You are now in the magical, wonderful world of Equestria. Your life back on Earth came to a magnificently violent end at the hands of Discord, but through your own consent.

I'm already beginning to regret doing th-

In return, you got to come here with a brand spanking new body that looks, sounds and feels exactly like the old one did, but has the added benefits of being able to channel the magic present in this world, and having me as a sort of on-board AI, though I guess since I'm not artificial, that would make me just I. Haha. See that? I made a funny.

DISCORD, I SWEAR THE NEXT TIME I FIND YOU I’M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR-

Tone down the volume there, Spartacus. I can barely hear myself think! See, it's funny because I'm in your mind and- well, I think you get the gist of it. Anyway, now that we are here, we get to do almost anything we want, and use our magic however we want, so long as we do as Discord said and play it relatively safe around Celestia.

I still find it hard to believe that he'd give us all this in return for doing something we'd have done anyway if we'd found ourselves here under any other circumstances. Why does he want us to be a part of their lives? What does he gain out of it?

We'll find out eventually, he said so himself. Also, you just said 'us'. Looks like you're warming up the idea of us being two separate minds already!

Actually, I just don't want to consider myself one and the same with such an annoying creature.

Did you just put an emoticon in my head?! What the- HOW?!!!

Well for starters I-

Forget it. Something tells me it'd only make my head hurt more than it already is. Look, let's put our conversation on hold till after we've managed to make Celestia aware of our existence in a way that doesn't alarm her to the point where she exiles me to the Everfree Forest or something. The longer we sit here chatting, the higher my chances are of being spotted by a guard and being subsequently hauled off in chains.

About that, I don't think Celestia should be your prime concern at the moment.

What do you mean? She's the ruler of all the land. If I gain her favor, I doubt I'd have much difficulty joining Ponyville's society.

You're only half right. You see, she USED to be the ruler of all the land. Now, since the return of another Princess from her thousand years of exile, she only rules over it in the daylight hours.

I looked up at the Moon, and it gazed right back.

I muttered a single word under my breath; "Luna." My objective was now clear. Odds were she would be less sensitive to potential dangers in her land than her sister would, considering her millenia of absence from the throne. I would hopefully have an easier time making nice with her than I would with her much more experienced and mature sister. I'd gotten lucky. Or perhaps Discord had planned to transport me there at night? Either way, I now had direction.

I had full confidence in my ability to convince her that I would be no threat, but to do that, I would first need to meet her face to face. And I highly doubted any one of the guards would allow that to happen without causing an uproar about an intruder on palace grounds. I would need to plan carefully, be subtle, and move swiftly before dawn arrived.

I began scheming as I made my way through the castle gardens towards the palace walls, keeping an eye out for any patrols.

Why not use this as an opportunity to test out our magic beyond that crash course we got?

Exactly what I was thinking. How about we make use of an invisibility spell, or teleportation! Or maybe-

Don’t get ahead of yourself here. Discord only gave us the basics to work with; Heat, cold, telekinesis, telepathy and a few others. Nothing too influential. I’m guessing he didn’t exactly trust you with the power to essentially no-clip from the get-go. Even with this relative little though, there are nearly a hundred runes and variants of them to deal with. The simplest to use are the push and pull commands for telekinesis, but that’s not going to be of much use for a stealthy entrance.

So until we get our hands on some reference material, we'll have to settle for using the basics... Which you will also have to guide me through, since I know exactly nothing as of now.

That’s what I’m here for. Our main obstacles are the guards that will doubtless be swarming the castle grounds.

I don't want to have to hurt anyone if I can help it.

So we need a distraction.

Hmm. Well, you did mention Telepathy, right? I’ve got an idea that might work.

Ooh. I like it! Alright, to start off, you’ll be drawing on your body’s own reserves of energy to focus the magic. This won’t be too much of an issue since it’s a non-physical spell, but try to make it as quick as possible just to be safe. Furthermore...

***

Fifteen minutes later, I lay concealed in a nondescript hedge along the path leading up to one of the side gates to the main palace. If I was to find Luna, I figured I would need to search through almost every major room in the structure that a ruler would uh... Rule from, in order of descending likelihood, and at the top of that list was the throne room. Alright, so sue me, it wasn't the best thought out course of action. But it was something!

Before me, two burly white Pegasi in the standard blue and gold armor of Celestia’s regiment stood guard at either side of an ornate golden double door. They were staring dead ahead, and had not made a single move since I'd approached. I hard a hard time even seeing the rise and fall of their chest. The ponies looked more like statues than living creatures, which was both impressive and a tad intimidating. They had yet to notice me, thanks to my stealthy movement through the brush and leaves. All I had left to do was initiate my plan, and hope the sentient part of the creatures still took precedence in their soldiered minds.

Alright, you've had long enough to prepare yourself. I'm getting impatient.

Easy there. I'm still new to this whole magic deal. You may have the knowledge of magical symbols and leylines and whatnot, but I'm the one channeling the energy, right? Try not to overdo it on the first attempt.

Aye-aye! Initiating phase one of my master plan: Split them up! Remember, just will it to happen. You have to mean it if you want this to work.

With those words, my alter ego began superimposing runes on my mind. I closed my eyes and focused on the symbols whilst visualizing the objects I wished the energy I was focusing to affect, and the way in which I wanted it to do so - The guard to the left of the door. His head. His skull. His mind. - I felt my consciousness stretching out and converging on a single point around ten feet away from me. If he felt any disturbances from the magical intrusion, he showed no signs. I had a faint impression of everything in a moderate radius around myself, including both guards. Both remained stoic and calm as I infiltrated the mind of one of the oblivious company.

With a final mental push against his natural barriers, I was in. Though my eyelids remained closed, I could see once more. But I didn't see the world from my position in the bushes. Instead, I saw it through the eyes of the Pegasus standing to the left of the palace entrance. I felt the light metal armor on my head and back, the strange numbness of having hooves at the end of each of my extremities, and strangest of all, I felt my wings coiled tightly at my side. I was now experiencing the world from his perspective, and he was completely unaware of it.

Assimilation complete... So this is what a pony's body feels like. Boy, do I feel fiiiiine. Talk about a toned flank. The fillies must have a hard time resistin-

Could you please shut up and get on with it?

Pssh. Have it your way, spoilsport. For starters, your nervous systems are now linked using your own magical aura as a proxy. You see and feel what he does, but he gets nothing from you unless you want him to. In this case, I'm preventing you from sending anything along the connection just yet so that you don't accidentally let him into your own mind, sort of like a firewall. Before I allow you to send anything over, I'll need you to focus. You can't doubt yourself for a moment, or the illusion will waver. You must believe that you are him, and then you must give yourself a fright, all the while truly believing that you are the one in peril. Don't even think about getting into the building, got that?

Sounds simple enough. Putting myself into someone else's shoes - or horseshoes in this case - has always been a strong-point of mine. Basically, I just synchronize with him, then let my imagination run wild till he's out of our hair, correct?

You got it. Feel free to start. I'll loosen my restrictions bit by bit as you settle into your own fantasy.

I relaxed. My own body was nowhere in sight, and with the aid of my mental companion, its senses were completely numbed as I focused on the mind of the guard I was trying to possess. I couldn't directly read his thoughts, but I could feel impressions and emotions running through him. This would've been interesting, if he weren't so... Well trained. All I felt was a gray haze of uninterested consciousness. There was no curiosity, no wayward daydream. He just stood there, staring and waiting, but expecting nothing. I shuddered to think how boring the life of the young stallion was, and if it would always be like that, considering the redundancy of guards for immortal Alicorn goddesses in a veritable utopia.

Suppressing my distaste, I allowed my mind to slow down and adopt his own emotions and thought frequency. Within seconds, I too was staring dead ahead, no longer pondering my future exploits or interactions. All I had was focus, but no goal. I waited, and waited.

Don't lose yourself. I'd hate for you to become a vegetable here and completely copy his mind over yours. It hardly seems the kind that would entertain me. Anyway, your minds are synchronized well enough now, so I'm opening the connection slightly. You can start visualizing the distraction.

***

What was that? A rustle from the bushes? No, it sounded more like a whisper. I glance around, but see nothing out of the ordinary. My partner doesn't seem to have heard it, so perhaps it was just a breeze.

Wait. No, something's up. There it is again. Something's making noise. It sounds almost like... hissing? Where's it coming from? How can he not be hearing it?

"Hey, Hasty, you hear anything?" I ask him. He does not react beyond dragging his eyes about, scanning to his left and right once each before fixing his gaze on me.

"Nothing but the sound of you breaking protocol. Night was silent as ever, and quite frankly, I liked it that way. Now if you don't mind..."

He trails off and looks ahead once more. Who does he think he is? I report hearing a disturbance for the first time since the Changeling incident, and he can't be bothered to at least take me seriously? I was right then, wasn't I? It's times like these that I wish I was one of the higher-ups. I'd make sure every guard showed me the respect I deserve, and-

"There it is again! Can't you hear it? A hissing! It's all around us! Where's it coming from?!"

He groans and turns his head to face me entirely. He seems more angry than worried though. "Look, Leeroy, I can't hear anything but the sound of your own irritating voice! You're killing my mood here. Please, unless I hear it too, it's not real, so don't say a word! Got that?"

He thinks I'm imagining things! Something potentially dangerous is going on, and he can't even listen to me this once? No. To the moon with him! I'll act on my instincts. They've never pointed me wrong before. When all is said and done, and I've averted a major crisis, I'll be the hero, and he'll regret having scoffed at me.

I step away from my post and look around to try and locate the source of the noise. We're not supposed to fidget unnecessarily unless a threat to the throne or its citizens has been confirmed, but if I'm right here, that's exactly what I'm dealing with. I can feel Hasty's eyes boring into my back, as I've now completely broken protocol as far as he's concerned, but I don't have time for him.

There! From the gardens! I think I saw something shift in the shadows. And it did *not* look small. Almost like... No. That's impossible. There's no way something that big could have made its way onto the castle grounds without creating mass panic along its path. Yet, what else could it be? It shifts again, and my fears are that much further away from being allayed. I can make out scales along a massive hose-like form. I take a step towards it, and the hissing exponentially increases in volume. There's no doubt in my mind now.

"SNAAAAAKE!!!!" I cry out. I try my best to alarm Hasty so that he would finally get a sense for the urgency of the situation, but instead of instant concern and battle-readiness, he takes a menacing step towards me.

"Leeroy, I've had it up to here with your nonsense! As of right now, I have every right to arrest you for not only disturbing the peace, but making a mockery of the throne with your pitiful excuse for professionalism. You are a trained soldier of the Canterlot Elite. For Celestia's sake, ACT LIKE IT."

"You're the one who needs to start acting like a soldier!" I shoot back hotly, turning to face the shifting form of the behemoth concealing itself in the shadows, "I've identified a very REAL threat to the throne, and you do nothing but tell me to be quiet about it! In fact, if you intend to get in my way, then you're nothing but an obstacle to me in performing my duties. If you try to subdue me, I'll have no choice but to incapacitate you."

I hear him scoff and take another step. "I'd like to see you tr-!"

Before he can finish, I whirl on him and deliver a swift headbutt to his jaw. Not giving him a chance to recover from the whiplash, I turn again and buck him in the throat as hard as I can. As he crumples into a groaning heap, I get the strangest feeling of regret for hurting him, despite it being part of my duty, but I push it aside. Not-too-Hasty would be fine. I have more pressing matters to attend to. Under normal circumstances, I'd call for assistance from the nearest outpost, but something tells me the other soldiers would act no differently than Hasty had. I'll have to handle this alone.

There's a roar behind me that makes the hair of my mane stand on end. I spin around and come face to face with the head of a gargantuan snake, at least eight feet of flesh stretched between each yellow eye. Its black and green scales glisten in the moonlight, as do its fangs, and the smoking black venom dripping from them. The monster glares at me as it slithers closer, its maw opening wider and wider. I feel my limbs go cold under its petrifying gaze. I can't handle this. What was I thinking? Oh, sweet Celestia, I'm sorry I've failed you.

I close my eyes as it swallows me whole, and my world becomes cold.

***

I whistle at my handiwork. Two guards now lay unconscious before me, and I was free to enter the palace proper.

"Not bad for a first time, eh?"

I concur. You really got into it towards the end. I'm honestly surprised you managed to make him attack his companion like that.

*Honestly, that was not my intention. I merely guided him along with suggestions and impressions. His violent side just happened to arise when the other guard challenged him. I didn't want to hurt anybody.*

Oh, man up. We do what's necessary. Neither of them will die. Now let's quit our dilly-dallying and find that throne room!

With a steadying breath, I emerged from the bushes and approached the ornate wood and gold door. I took a moment to admire the crest of the sun and moon engraved on the split in the thick wood before shoving it in and making my bold entrance.

"Shhhhhhiiiiii-"

You're fucking retarded, you know that?!

I didn't respond. I merely felt regret for all my wasted effort as each and every one of over a dozen guards that lined the hallway turned their heads and stared at the alien intruder and the two unconscious bodies behind it before remembering their precious protocol and charging as one.

End of Chapter 1

This one was a good deal shorter than the Prologue. Don't worry, other chapters will be slightly longer (or a lot, if you want them to be). Remember, give me feedback regarding my tone of speech, pacing, effects, and (most importantly as of now) how long you'd like chapters to be. Remember, if they're short enough, I can move up to two updates a week instead of one. Regardless of what I get for this one, the next update will be longer by some margin.

That aside, any and all comments are read and appreciated. I await your judgement. :3

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I tried my best to march, rather than be pulled along, as the squad of guards led me through the halls bound in ropes, but it was obscenely difficult due to the brisk pace they kept, and my own aching body. I didn't know where they were taking me, but if luck would have it, it would be straight to my goal.

After stumbling into a small regiment of the soldiers earlier, I'd had no hope for either running or fighting. I'd decided the best course of action would be to give up peacefully and hope they reported directly to the acting Princess when exceedingly unusual events occurred. Sadly, my immediate surrender didn't stop them from pummeling me mercilessly for apparently harming their comrades. I may not be a expert on Canterlot regime, but something tells me they took a tad more pleasure in tackling me to the ground than their 'protocol' advised. If it weren't for my alter ego suppressing my body’s pain signals, I would have felt far worse than I actually did. So much for a peaceful and kid-friendly universe.

Nobody spoke. I'd tried on more than one occasion to strike up a conversation with the stone-faced ponies surrounding me, but each and every attempt had been met with silence. I'd asked where I was being taken. I'd asked if they were happy with their jobs. I'd asked if any of them were even going to ask me what I was (Nobody did, sadly. Though I'd be lying if I said I got no curious glances before, during, and immediately following the beating). None of them showed any signs that they'd even heard me. While it did irritate me, I couldn't help but be impressed with their performance. Without magic to influence their minds on a primal level, I had no hope of getting Canterlot's trained protectors to act like a normal person, or pony, would.

And so the minutes passed in mutual silence. Even my mental hitchhiker strangely had nothing to say as we anticipated what was coming. After what felt like half an hour, though I'm sure was no more than ten minutes, my company emerged from yet another of Canterlot Palace's side entrances and out into the moonlight once more. I looked around as I enjoyed the feel of the cold night air on my battered form. We were back in the gardens, but neither the statue I'd arrived at nor the maze that housed it were visible from our new location. We seemed to be headed towards one of several towers situated around the area. Were these where they kept their prisoners? No. There were no guards visible at any tower on the premises, except for the one I was currently being ushered towards. What was so special about this particular tower? I was about to find out.

All the guards around me wore the same blue and gold ensemble, except for the one at the head of the pack; a black-coated unicorn with a violet tail. His armor was pitch black, with dark purple ridges along the edges. It was notably more angled and menacing than the uniform the other guards wore, at least by pony standards. As we drew closer to the tower, I saw that the ponies posted there also wore a darker variant of the armor, though none were quite as unique as that on the pony leading us. If my memory served right, these were the personal guards of the Princess of the Night, which could only mean-

Holy sweet bajeezus.

What? You've been quiet for so long, and that's the first thing you say?

Can't you feel it? Can't you see it? It's incredible!

What are you talking about?

Meanwhile, the group stopped before the entrance to the building, but the leader continued right up to the door and raised an armored hoof to give two sharp knocks before stepping back to wait with the rest of us.

Oh wow. I don't think we should do anything grand around her. There's no way we can stand up to that sheer POWER.

Oh for the love of cheese, would you please stop cowering and tell me what has you so spooked?

Close your eyes.

...What?

Close your eyes. Stop looking so hard. Start feeling. I can't be solely responsible for all our magical power. You need to advance in your own way, and you might as well start by learning to sense energy on your own. Now do as I say.

I comply grudgingly, and am left staring at the darkness beneath my own eyelids.

Now expand.

Could you please be a bit more... Explanatory?

Do like we did before with the guards. Stretch your aura outwards. Just try to recreate the feeling.

I focus, and feel for any residual magic around myself to make the task easier. Sure enough, I could feel my own personal field of energy floating around me like a loose second skin. Without wasting time to hesitate, I give it a mental push outwards, sort of like blowing up a balloon, but with a stream of conscious effort rather than air. Bit by bit, it expanded once more, growing from a mere five feet in radius to the full fifteen feet between us and the door, and past that. As the incorporeal bubble stretched outwards, it dragged over each and every one of the Pegasi, Unicorns and Earth ponies around me. I could feel everything within the bubble, whether or not I wanted to. Their short and bristly manes. Their smooth, light yet solid armor. The moisture of their eyes. Even down to their...

HOW LONG MUST I KEEP THIS UP?! I AM NOT COMFORTABLE IN THE SLIGHTEST HERE!

You can stop now. You should be aware of it.

I do as I'm told. There was now a burning itch at the top of my head, and I couldn't reach to scratch it with my arms bound to my sides. My aura was now expanded to slightly over twenty-five feet in radius. The upper half of the dome now encompassed little over a third of the structure before me. Though the doors remained closed, I was now fully aware of a lone unicorn guard standing to the side of the door on the inside. The opposite side of the door was strangely devoid of a complementing guard, which I found strange till I remembered the earlier knock at the door. Whoever had been holding the post with him must have left at the signal to fetch the pony I was being carried to; A pony so important that the protectors of Canterlot Palace themselves had to request to be graced with their presence.

Open your eyes.

I did so without question, and stifled a gasp. All around me, my world had become a swirling miasma of faint smog. Every one of the previously white and black equines were now surrounded by a shimmering haze of grayish energy, expanding outwards for a few feet off each body.

Their auras. They had always been there, I just hadn't been aware of them till mine overlapped their own. The earth ponies had auras less than a foot off their forms and their fields were dull almost to the point of being transparent, but that varied greatly between the other guards. The Pegasi's auras stretched between three and six feet off their bodies, and were a lighter shade of gray. The unicorns, on the other hand, had auras ranging anywhere from five feet to ten feet in range, with the majority being in the upper range of that spectrum, and every one of the horned ponies had a whitish haze to their personal fields. It was then that I recalled Discord mentioning that the aura of a living being could serve as an approximation of their magical potential. My own was closer is shade to that of the earth ponies, but that was more than likely due to its extremely diffuse state.

This is incredible!

This is nothing. Look up.

I did so, and the itch on my scalp suddenly became an incessant scratching. It didn't notice it too much though, as my jaw was too busy trying its best to reach the grass at my feet.

High above us, near the apex of the tower, there was a massive ball of white fire. Or rather, that's what it looked like to me. The core was more than sixty feet off the ground, yet the edge of the great sphere overlapped my own pitifully strained aura. As I stared in awe, the tiny sun was descending the tower at a brisk pace towards us.

That, my dear host, is the Princess Luna. Please refrain from wetting yourself in her presence.

Holy f-

And that's what it normally looks like, through a foot of bricks and worked steel. You don't even want to THINK about how far it could potentially reach if she tried.

How could I have POSSIBLY missed that?!

You didn't. Any creature with even the meagerest amount of magical attunement would be aware of her presence. Seeing auras is more about feeling with your mind than it is about using your basic senses. You just didn't know what to feel for till you'd been exposed to the energies of... Lower class beings, so you had subconscious idea of what to look for.

...I'm scared.

As am I, friend. As am I.

We waited in what had become fearful silence for the arrival of the Princess. If any of the guards were made uncomfortable by her approaching majesty, they showed no signs. It took less than a minute for her to arrive at the ground floor, but that minute bled by like the longest of hours. Before either of us were willing to accept it, she was approaching the door, and us. What had seemed a brilliant orb of warm light from a distance had me practically sweltering up close. Even some of the unicorns seemed to be shuffling slightly with discomfort, though only those in the brighter uniforms. Those of the nocturnal guard seemed almost to thrive in her presence, standing more confidently and gaining gleeful glints to their eyes.

Pull back.

Wha-?

Pull back! Retract your aura! The reason everyone here isn't outright burning up like you are is because theirs are fully retracted. Remember, when someone's personal magical field gets denser, it will act as a shield and help them better resist outside influences. Try it.

Pulling my aura back to myself was a much easier and quick task than expanding it had been. It naturally wanted to remain close to me. All I had to do was release what had become a subconscious strain on my mind to keep it held out, and it snapped back to me almost instantly. I felt relief immediately. My senses were dulled to Luna's presence. I was still aware of her, even from inside the tower, but it was now more of an instinctual knowledge, like the tingle one feels when they suspect they are being watched. Having done all I could do to prepare for meeting her, I held tight and waited.

There was another pair of knocks, though from the other side of the door. With near perfect synchronicity, the two outer guards left their posts, grabbed ahold of the protruding door handles, and pulled. The thick wood swung outwards to reveal the purple Alicorn herself, flanked by two more black armored guards. It was the oddest thing, though. When the door had opened, she seemed to be looking down with a strained expression on her face, like she had either been sighing in frustration, or taking a deep breath for patience. It was easy for me to pick up on that due to my having become used to doing both exceedingly frequently, almost out of habit. Regardless, the moment I noticed it, it was gone, replaced with an expression of practiced indifference.

Needless to say, this also vanished almost immediately when she laid eyes on me. No amount of practice could prepare someone for seeing something for the first time. Much to my disappointment though, she didn't react particularly fantastically. With a firm shake of her head, she re-donned her stoic face and approached me. The surrounding guards who had merely minutes ago been putting on shows of being unfazeable, proud defenders all stepped well aside and bowed low to her with one hoof extended outwards and the other cupped below their chest. I stayed where I was, not feeling quite the same urge to submit to someone I didn't know personally, though I attribute that lack of an urge in equal parts to my numbed senses that prevented my from being constantly reminded of the gap between our power levels, and my own damnable stupidity. A swift kick to the back of my knees by one of the trained ponies soon remedied that though, and I fell to the grass with a grunt.

On her own, Luna was almost as tall as my modest five-foot-six frame, with her forehead sans horn reaching by around my upper chest. The guards, by comparison, only reached up to my lower ribs if I didn't count the manes or horns. But as I'd learned earlier with extreme vigor, the size difference counted for exactly one squat and a diddle when it came to combat capability. From my new kneeling position, I was looking straight up her snout into her cold blue eyes. She regarded me for only a few seconds before addressing me.

"I have been informed that the guards caught you attempting to break into the palace. Additionally, they reported that you have injured one or more ponies in your attempt to do so. Had it been simply the charge of forced entry, you would have been apprehended and forcefully removed from the premises. Seeing as you've injured my citizens in the process, though, the consequences of your actions are now potentially far more... Scarring. Ponies as a race abhor violence, but if you are a serious threat to our hard won peace, I will not hesitate to resort to less pleasant methods of protecting it. Is that clear, whatever you are?"

Oh god oh god oh god oh god. Maybe we shouldn't have looked for the sister a thousand years behind in disciplinary methods.

I attempt to swallow, as my throat is suddenly painfully dry, but I cannot do so around the lump that has suddenly formed in it. I end up choking a bit, and nod vigorously in reply.

"Glad to see you can understand us, but can you speak our tongue?" She looks far from glad as she asks this.

"Y-Yes! Yes, I can. Look, about all th-" I begin, but she cuts me off.

"Speak as you are spoken to, miscreant."

I nod with a squeak.

"Now, as the currently acting Princess, it is my duty to handle any and all potentially serious disturbances that come to my attention. But believe me, I'd much rather be enjoying my evening back in the observatory, so I'd like to make this interrogation as quick as possible, and I’m sure you'd like to leave here this evening in as few pieces as possible, correct?"

DIDN'T SHE GET THE MEMO THAT THIS IS A SFW UNIVERSE?!

"Yes." I calmly confirm.

"Excellent," she flashes me a smile that is somehow neither joyous or reassuring, "Then answer my questions as I ask them. Rest assured--if you lie, I will know."

"Understood."

"Alright then, I’ll start with the obvious question; What are you?"

"I'm a human. A MALE human, just to confirm."

"Really now? Please, hold still for a moment."

Her horn flashed, and I felt several waves of heat pulse through me. It didn't hurt, but it was strange. As the magic subsided, I asked, "What exactly was that?"

"A simple test, to see if you were a changeling in disguise. If you had been under the influence of any magical transformation spells, that would have dispelled them. The form you wear now is indeed your own, it seems."

I guess they're more wary of potential threats after the recent attempted Changeling cu.

"Uh... Yeah." I felt a rush of nervous relief, despite not having been in danger of failing that particular test to begin with.

Careful. She's deceiving you.

What? How?

True, she did attempt to remove any enchantments on you just now, and there were none to be found. But she PUT one in place at the end. It's currently clinging very lightly to your outer aura. Extremely subtle, I have to say, but I would better pick up on such things that you would normally miss.

What's the spell for?

I cannot say, though it's not a seal of any kind. I doubt she knows we are capable of magic of our own, so I suspect it is a precaution of sorts. If the nature of this universe as we know it can act as any sort of guidance, it would most likely be there to prevent us from doing something that apparently only non-pony creatures would be able to do without any sort of hesitance or physical tells.

In other words?

Keep doing as you've been doing up till now. You do as she says. And above all, don't lie if you can help it.

I had an overwhelming sense of dread, but I could do nothing to dispel it. I could only sit and wait out the interrogation.

"I have neither seen nor heard of your species before this moment. From which region of Equestria do you hail?"

"Actually, I'm from-"

I froze. What was I supposed to tell her? The truth? That Discord had killed me in a parallel reality and sent me here to do whatever I damn well pleased? I'd be labeled insane if she didn't believe me, and dangerous if she did. If I lied, then I risked setting off whatever spell she had put on me. None of my options looked stellar.

How about part of the truth? Like...

"Well, I'm not from your planet, to be honest."

She looked taken aback, then uncertain, and quickly followed up with, "Then where are you from, human?"

"From... Another Earth, that exists parallel to your own. One that developed with my race claiming dominance rather than ponies, and so it has no Equestria."

I paused to give my words time to sink in, and for one or two of the guards listening in to stop snickering. Luna's jaw dropped, though for once she wasn't quite so quick to hide it. After she regained her composure, she humbled the amused ponies with a hard glare, then turned to face me once more, her eyes urging me to continue.

"I know it sounds crazy at first, but hear me out. I don't know what your understanding of the universe is, but there's more than one--thousands, billions, an inconceivable number in fact. Is this news to you?"

I knew before even asking that it wasn't. Discord's brief explanation on the use of magic was proving very handy in ratching my story.

"No. We are well aware of the nature of reality. Though it is an admittedly small wonder to meet another creature that shares this knowledge. The very fundamentals of our magic here are based on the use of inter-planar energy."

"Then you should also be aware of the fact that, with enough energy--for example, the kind of power a draconequus would wield--one can potentially open a gap between worlds. Following me here?"

Her jaw dropped, as did those of the ponies that had only moments before been laughing at my claim. The implications of my words were clearly more shocking to them than my supposed origin. When she spoke again, I could almost detect a hint of dread in her voice for what I was about to say next. Wait, scratch that, I did hear it. "No..." I got a small thrill in confirming her fears after that--in making one of the three most powerful creatures in the land of Equestria fear the mere sound of my voice.

"Yes. Well, your old friend Discord is now somewhere between worlds, trapped there after he was frozen in stone here. Despite him being imprisoned, he is still powerful enough to observe and influence other realities to an extent. That's what he did to mine when it caught his interest. He decided to fool around, and I was the unlucky soul chosen to be his amusement. He tore me out of my own world and dropped me here, and now I have no way of getting back. As for those two guards, while I was trying to find a way into the palace proper, one of them went berserk and attacked the other. You can ask them yourself, if you doubt me. I took advantage of the situation and tried to find someone with the power to assist me. Needless to say, things didn't go exactly as planned. Your guards attacked me on sight and dragged me here, but I guess it all worked out in the end, sort of." I finished by giving several of the gathered company the dirtiest looks I could manage.

More than one of them immediately began to voice their dissent and make excuses for their hasty action and a now seemingly incorrect assumption, but she cut them off with a shouted command of "SILENCE!", then spoke to me in a cautious tone.

"Discord is many things to pony-kind, but We assure you, he is no friend. Though it pains us to say so, We cannot afford to release him from his prison here. Though he may have some power over other worlds while in there, the peace of our own is our main priority, even if it comes at the cost of others' happiness. We... Apologize. You may rise, human. We are not deserving of your submittance if you have suffered so undeservingly for our weakness."

She looked down as she said it, almost like she had failed her own subjects, despite having had nothing to do with the situation. It pained me to see her look so defeated, but it was either that or let her find some other way to cause me pain.

I sighed with relief, feeling as if the weight of a hundred thick-headed guard ponies had been lifted off my shoulders, and gratefully rose off the grass to stand at my full height, looking slightly down at the Princess.

She bought it. Oh my gosh, she bought it! We LIVE!

It was mostly the truth, we just twisted it a tad. How's that spell holding up?

It reacted slightly as you told those half-truths, but not too much. It attempted to stimulate the hairs lining your nostrils, I assume to induce a sneezing fit, but I was just about able to suppress the signals because it wasn't fully triggered. I guess it really is a truth related enchantment. To be honest--pun intended--it's exactly what we could expect someone so accustomed to dealing with honest, lawful ponies to resort to as a fail-safe for intimidation. I wouldn't be surprised if all those threats earlier were nothing but practiced words to quell any aggression from an enemy before they could act on it.

Don't be stupid. Whether or not the words were empty doesn't matter. It doesn't change the fact that we are hopelessly outmatched in terms of both magical and physical power, and we do know for a fact that they will eventually resort to aggressive actions if need be. Remember Discord's first reign?

Still, with that self-reminder of what a peaceful nature the ponies had, I felt I could not let Luna beat herself up over something that in all truth was not her fault. I tried to console her some, "Princess, there is no need to feel shame for a situation you cannot help. I can understand your reasoning. A good ruler must put the welfare of his or her own nation well before that of another. I've got no hard feelings. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get this interrogation over with, do away with these ropes and the guards, and reintroduce myself on more pleasant terms. I don't want to be known solely as 'human'." I flash her a hopeful grin, to which she gives a halfhearted yet thankful smile in return.

"Very well." She turned to the black armored guard that had originally led us to her, "Captain Vigilant, undo his bindings, then see to it that my sister's soldiers return to their original stations. The hu-" She froze, gave me an apologetic smirk and raised her eyebrows in silent request, to which I chuckled and happily told her: "Joseph."

What? I don't get an introduction too?

Shut up. You’ll be Casper and you’ll like it.

She nodded in thanks before gracefully continuing, "Joseph shall remain with us in the observatory under the watch of both ourselves and our guards. I wish to question him further in a less tense atmosphere. As for the two ponies that supposedly had an altercation, they are to be questioned once they have regained consciousness, and you shall directly report to me what they say."

The black coated unicorn nodded once. His horn flashed, and all at once the several complex knots holding my arms awkwardly to my sides came apart and the rope fell to my feet. As I rubbed the parts of my skin that the rough thread had rubbed raw, I couldn't help musing over the sheer number of uses I could find for a rope tying and untying spell in such a relatively innocent world. Consequently, I felt a wave of guilt for considering the uses I could find for a rope tying and untying spell in such a relatively innocent world.

And yet you’d still do it if you got the chance.

After releasing me, Luna's silent servant ushered the guards that had first apprehended me back towards the castle in an absurdly orderly single file line. Not bothering to see them off, Luna gestured for me to follow her with a shrug of her wing. And so she led us up to the observatory with her two personal guards in tow.

End of Chapter 2

What lays in wait for Joseph and Casper in the next episode of ADT? Find out next week on- Wait, no, that's a terrible way to end it. Let me try that again.

*ahem*

Thar be a shitstorm a brewin! Cast thine eyes to yonder updates approaching off the port bow (I have no idea what a 'port bow' is, but let's go with this) and prep yerr readin monocle fer future battles!

MUCH better. :3

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

After a silent three minute ascent up the spiral staircase of the tower, we emerged onto a flat open-roofed observation deck with various telescopes and astronomical instruments scattered about. There were also a couple tables with what looked like star maps laid out across them, and several messy quills and ink stains beside them that told me Luna did more than just admire the pretty lights. I had never had much of an interest in astronomy beyond appreciating just how small I was in comparison to it all, but that didn't stop me from whistling at the sheer amount of effort she plainly put into it.

"So, what do you think? My observatory is pretty... 'nifty' as the saying goes, is it not?" Luna asked me in a tone that was suddenly uncharacteristically less commanding, and far more casual. I was so taken aback by her sudden change in personality that I forgot to even answer the question.

Upon seeing my confused expression, she chuckled and quickly dispatched any forming fears of her being bipolar, "I apologize for the impression I've given you of myself thus far. While performing my official duties, especially before Canterlotian citizens, I must do my best to appear regal, so as to maintain the public standard set for the Royal Sisters. Judging by your expression, I'd say I was doing to fine job of it. Rest assured, in more private quarters, I'm far less abrasive."

I'd already known she was making an attempt to adopt the more modern style of speech that the nation currently used, which is why I was slightly surprised that she had been speaking in her somewhat old fashioned way at first, and then surprised even moreso when she had gone back to talking the way I'd expected afterwards. Still, I couldn't very well let her know that I knew all about her trip to Ponyville two Nightmare Nights ago, or her thousand years of exile. I was nothing but a hapless alien caught up in Discord's game of chaos with the rulers of this world, as far as she knew, and I had to keep up the act. That aside, I didn't exactly have much choice, considering that she had yet to remove the lie detecting charm on me.

"Uh... Sure. I did find it strange that you were using such an old-fashioned method of speech." I told her, being careful of how far I stretched the truth.

"Well, you see, that's because..." She trailed off, and several emotions played across her features in the space of that pause--Sadness, regret, determination, confidence--but she eventually settled for a wistful glance towards the night sky, plainly visible through the glass roof of the observatory. This glance became a longing stare that lasted several seconds before she decided to finish her statement, "I have failed as a ruler once in the past. My penance for it was a different kind of exile than what Discord has earned himself. I've been away for so long that... I often find myself acting on rules of conduct long since obsolete. I'm learning quickly though, so please don't think too much of my behavioral flaws." She gave me an assuring smile. Clearly she'd had yet to completely come to terms with her banishment after becoming Nightmare Moon, but she was getting there. It seemed I wasn't the only one skirting the truth in the conversation.

Her eyes suddenly widened and her mouth made an 'O' of surprise, which was strange for me to wrap my head around coming from a pony as I wasn't yet totally used to three-dimensional, fantasy come-to-life land of Equestria.

"You just said 'old-fashioned', didn't you?" She asked.

"That I did." I confirmed. "Why?"

She began rattling on, sounding more like she was talking to herself than me, "You said you found it strange that my method of speech wasn't exactly modern, which is interesting, since you're not from here, hence you wouldn't know what the generally accepted social practices are without a frame of reference. Having you both understand and speak our language is one thing, but the only way you could have had that frame of reference would have been if your own race is currently in a similar era to our own. Thus I can assume that aside from racial differences, our societies would be very much alike in terms of technologies used, cultural practices, and laws. Am I still on track here?"

I took a few seconds to respond as my lagging brain caught up with her train of thought, "Er... I suppose. I... Can't say what laws or, um, cultural practices you, uh, ponies might have, seeing as I'm not totally familiar with this land and all. Still, the technology I can see from, well, around me here," I vaguely gestured to the various observational equipment around the lab, "seems relatively modern."

Think Luna and Twilight might be related?

For the sake of my slipping sanity, I sure hope not.

"Relatively?" She echoed with a frown, "You mean it's still behind the Human race's current advances?"

I hesitated, but ultimately nodded.

"I see. Well, I hope it wouldn't be too untoward to ask you to share some of the details with me? I mean, you're practically a window into another reality for me, no offense intended. Just think of all the potential advancements you could bring to Equestria!" She performed a less than regal hop of glee as her scientific curiosity got the better of her.

Oh boy...

Wait! You can use your knowledge to earn her favor. This is a good thing!

It's a shame I don't know jack-shit about how half the stuff back on Earth works, though.

You may not know anything, but I do. I've got access to each and every one of your memories. They never go away, you just forget about them till something reminds you. All those hours of Discovery Channel will finally be useful for something other than impressing your parents and randomly showing up classmates with irrelevant and unimportant facts!

Whatever you say then. While we're at it, I just thought of a way to get rid of this charm. Don't block the signals it sends this time.

"Well," I began, making sure to choose my words carefully, "I suppose that if I'm going to be staying here from now on, I might as well be of some use to you. I mean, I really think you deserve the effort, considering the reality of my circumstances."

The moment the lie left my mouth, my head reared itself back and let loose a violent sneeze. I hadn't even fully finished exhaling before I found myself inhaling for another. Luna stepped back in surprise, looking at me with more confusion than she any right displaying, seeing as she'd put the spell in place to begin with. It was only seconds later, when I was on the ground with my eyes and nose running freely as I struggled to contain my sudden sneezing fit, that she gasped as her eyes widened in recognition.

"What's achoo going wheeze on?!" I demanded between the forced sneezes.

Luna closed her eyes and her horn flashed for the briefest of instants, and the sneezing immediately eased, though my sinuses still itched considerably. I didn't make any rush to move from my position on the ground though, milking my torment for all it was worth as I continued to gasp unnecessarily.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!" she sincerely told me, "I had put a truth spell on you as a precaution earlier, to make sure you didn't mean us any harm, but it completely slipped my mind once you mentioned Discord. I had no intentions of hurting you, honestly! Please find it within yourself to forgive me for once again causing you unnecessary grievance. It was also wrong of me to ask you to share information regarding your world after you were so cruelly snatched from it. If it's all the same to you, I'll forget I ever made such a selfish and disrespectful request." She bowed her head low, refusing to meet my eyes. The guards standing at the entrance to the room, a little ways behind her, looked absolutely stunned at her behavior, but wisely made no comment. Their sagging jaws did the speaking for them.

I made no effort to prevent the grin that spread across my face, because nobody--or pony--in the room could see it with my head still hanging into my hands.

Just how many times do you intend to keep guilt-tripping her, mister brony?

It's her or me. Can't forget that, right?

Despite my half-hearted justification, the grin shifted into a grimace as I myself felt the inevitable onset of guilt and shame. Luna had never really hurt me. Sure, she had threatened to do so at first, but that was only because she had a duty to perform for the sake of her race. What was wrong with me, for me to take even a small amount of pleasure in watching her beg forgiveness for imagined slights?

"It's okay!" I blurted, if only a little more hastily than I would have liked to, "You do what you have to, I can understand that, and even appreciate it. Don't feel ashamed because you don't hesitate when it comes to doing what's necessary." I reached out to offer a comforting pat on the head, but couldn't bring myself to complete the motion, instead letting my hand fall lamely to my side before she could notice I'd even considered making the gesture to begin with.

Still, she slowly lifted her eyes and gave me a look more thankful than anything I'd ever had the honor of receiving from anyone. For the first time since my arrival and relative roller coaster ride to the Princess, I had a good chance to really focus on a pony's features. Between her large, shining eyes, reserved smile, and laid back ears, I found myself in absolute awe at just how expressive these creatures could be despite our physical differences.

"Thank you," she said, breaking a silence that had lasted for a much shorter time than I felt had passed. "I brought you here tonight so that I could both keep an eye on you and learn more about your race. I suppose I got carried away with the latter. I still have to wait for a report concerning the matter of the supposedly injured guards before I next decide what to do about your situation, but I personally don't think you deserve any further interrogation." She gestured a wing towards a row of benches and sofa along the edge of the observatory, "Please make yourself comfortable, or feel free to make use of my equipment and learn something of this unfamiliar world. I will trouble you no further tonight."

I waited till she had begun to turn away, presumably to return to the stargazing or whatever she had been doing before the whole fiasco forced her away from it. Then in the most hesitant voice I could manage, I called out, "Wait."

She turned to me again, her expression unreadable.

"Yes?"

"If you really want to learn about my Earth, I wouldn't mind sharing. I've got nothing more to lose, right? But in return, I want you to promise me one thing."

An enthusiastic smile had spread across her face upon hearing my words, and it did not falter even as I stated that my information had a price.

"And that would be?" She inquired cheerfully.

"A home, to make up for the one I lost."

And there goes the smile again. Do you get off on this or something?

If making her feel indebted to me is what it takes, then so be it.

"Ah," She sighed to herself, almost inaudibly, "I see. A reasonable request, and one you are most definitely entitled to. Consider it done. You are more than welcome to stay on the Palace grounds for the duration of your indefinite stay."

Success!

"Glad to hear it," I reply with a smile. "Now that that's out of the way, you wanted to learn about technology from my world?"

She nodded eagerly, quill and paper floating over and taking up position beside her as she leaned in with rapt attention.

Let's start with the telescopes. Tell me what I know about their structural changes throughout history and match the tech here with the corresponding era back in my world.

Aye aye! Well, for starters...

"Well, for starters our current models of telescopes are more conical in shape, tending to be wider towards the top. This is because we make use of thicker lenses that focus the light..."

***

"... which is why humans prefer to use electronic means to record their data, as opposed to old fashioned pen and paper." I finished the latest of over twenty relatively in-depth descriptions of modern human technology. My throat was on fire and my eyes heavy, yet Luna was as energetic as she had been when I began my picture-less documentary.

"With each new invention you describe," Luna commented, "I wonder more and more why it is that ponies are so fixated on these inefficient methods of dealing with daily issues. If we focused less on the use of magic, and more on improving the mundane tools currently at our disposal, there would be more of a social balance between Unicorns, Pegasi and Earth Ponies. This knowledge is potentially revolutionary!"

Princess or not, there was no denying the scientist in the pony before me. As interesting as learning her true nature was, it was anything but favorable to me at the moment. Halfway through my explanation of the internet several hours prior, one of her guards had granted me a brief reprieve by interrupting me to report what the two newly awakened ponies involved in the earlier altercation had to say. Alas, poor Leeroy had nobody to vouch for him when he had mentioned the snake, and he was put on temporary leave to recover from what they had dubbed a nervous breakdown. The moment Luna had made a decision on the matter and dismissed the guard to deliver her word, however, she had launched yet another flurry of questions and requests at me with redoubled variety and detail, making me wonder if she had been thinking them up while simply pretending to pay attention to the situation of the potentially injured guards.

"Yeah, that's great,” I said with whatever sincerity I could still muster, “Can I sleep now? Preferably somewhere away from all this light?" The hand I had been using to block out the glare from the rising sun--painfully visible through the glass dome covering the observatory--was beginning to shake with exertion.

"In a minute," she used the same off-handed (off-hoofed?) statement she'd made dozens of times throughout the night in response to my many, many repetitions of the very same request, "I want to hear more about those 'cell phones' you mentioned."

I groaned under my breath.

Make it stop. I can’t take much more of this.

This is funny to watch. Right now, I'm just trying to guess how much longer you can keep this up before you snap or pass out. An hour? Five minutes?

I hate you more than words can describe...

"Cell phones," I began to grumble, "or mobiles, as they're commonly called, became a main part of modern society in recent years because of an increased need for-"

"Wait."

My eyes widened in surprise at Luna's words. Had she just told me to stop? Oh sweet muffins YES! I gratefully collapsed into the couch behind me, which I had purposefully been avoiding doing so that I didn't make myself comfortable enough to fall asleep on her.

"Sorry to cut you off, but we have some important company approaching. You're about to meet my dearest sister Celestia, 'Princess' to you. She'll doubtless be coming to find out why I'm still stargazing when sun is up. For all I know, she could probably have received word of your arrival. In any case, she's ascending the stairs as we speak, and you'll need to make a good first impression, so look alive!" She gave me an encouraging smile, to which I did nothing but stare at her incredulously.

Look alive? I'd been up from seven in the morning back on my Earth, then killed at five, been introduced to a reality several orders of magnitude larger than I had ever known existed, learned magic through the equivalent of having it force-fed to me, then shoved into Equestria an hour or two later, yet somehow arrived at midnight, used the magic I'd so recently learnt for the first time ever, gotten my ass handed to me by a group of buff ponies, met a living goddess, been forced to stay up till dawn explaining human culture in far more detail than I myself had ever cared to go into, and now I had a fast approaching meeting with her elder sister, who just happened to control the freaking Sun. She wanted me to look alive?! I had to bite my tongue just to prevent myself from launching a verbal assault that I don't doubt would have set her impeccable blue mane aflame with the raw force of my anger alone.

Instead I simply nodded and tried to get what little rest I could before Celestia arrived. Luna accepted my silence as compliance and headed towards the door leading to and from the stairs. As I closed my eyes, I requested that Casper notify me when she was close, so that I could at least try and... 'look alive', regardless of how I really felt.

I started hearing voices as I drifted in and out of focus. I wasn't sure if I was experiencing the onset of a dream, or actually hearing a conversation. Random bits and phrases made it through the haze surrounding my mind though, "Good morning... Glad to hear... Put on probation... Called a human...Right over there... Interesting... Mentioned Discord... Joseph. Joseph, can you hear me?"

"Ugh, mom, stop it..." I swatted at her in a desperate attempt to cling to my Saturday morning sleep. She was always waking me up too early.

"Mom? Joseph, I think you're confused. This is Luna."

I cracked an eye open in irritation, too tired to make sense of my mother's rambling. "What? Lun- AAAAAAHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAHHH!" Luna leapt back in surprised, mirroring my scream with a somehow more official sounding shriek.

I bolted upright on the couch, suddenly wide awake from the fear-induced adrenaline rush, "Holy friggin crap, what the hell?! You- You're not my mom!"

The Princess was still panting from the fright I had given her, and gave me an annoyed look, "No, I most certainly am not your mother. Was it really too much to ask that you remain awake for the two meager minutes it took for me to greet my sister?"

Only one thing she had stead caught my still attention, "Too much too ask? No. I'll tell you what's too much to ask; Having to spend all freaking night giving you several back to back, impromptu lectures on the advancements of my race! Not being allowed to get even one second of shut-eye because you just have to know meaningless shit like how humans discovered electricity, or how the internet was developed. That's too much to ask. I'm just one guy, not a friggin robot. I need my sleep, which you were more than happy to deprive me of! I don't care if you had to go and greet Celes... ti... a..."

I let my rant fall flat as I her words finally registered, and I suddenly became aware of a looming and radiant white form in the corner of my vision. Luna looked absolutely indignant at my statements, but a gentle 'Ahem' from beyond my range of sight silenced her before she could begin a retort.

Oh shit.

You dun goofed.

Slowly and with painful anticipation, I turned to my right. There, in all her regal glory, was Princess Celestia, giving me a look that seemed patient, but nonetheless made me feel like she was deciding if she should squash me with magic, or just use her hooves and save herself the effort. I shrank back with a nervous smile.

I thought I told you to let me know when she was close?

I would have if I'd sensed her. She's literally standing in front of you and I can't detect squat. It's as if she doesn't have an aura at all, which doesn’t even make any sense!

"Heh, um, it's a pleasure to meet you, Princess?" I weakly managed.

Pleaseohpleaseohplease don't kill me!

She merely raised an eyebrow and responded in a bemused tone, “Are you? You sound unsure of the that."

Acting before I could outright offend her, I got on my knees and firmly restated my greeting, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Princess Celestia, Ma'am!"

I kept my head down, for fear of accidentally making eye contact with her. Luna was one thing, but Princess Celestia had the true decision making power. If Discord could be trusted to any extent, I would do well to watch my step around her. I waited for her to acknowledge my formal greeting and command me to introduce myself, because I watched a ton of fantasy movies with Kings and Queens, and according to those indisputable sources of information, they were all for that formality stuff. Her acknowledgment never came though, as she instead began to choke. I looked up, startled, only to realize that both she and her sister were doing their best to contain their laughter. Seeing my face did it for Luna though, and she broke out into a helpless fit of giggles. Celestia soon followed suit, albeit with slightly more grace. No matter how dainty she tried to make it sound though, the fact remained that both Princesses--the rulers of all Equestria and most powerful beings in the land--were having a good laugh at my expense. Even from the opposite end of the room, I swear I could make out twin smirks on the guards at the door. Feeling my face heat involuntarily, I hastily stood up once more.

Seeing me get flustered, Celestia forced herself to regain her composure, but was unable to suppress the smile that remained. She cleared her throat and Luna mimicked her actions, except her teeth were plainly visible as she openly and unashamedly grinned at me.

"Joseph, I know I told you to make a good impression and all, but you're slightly overdoing it," Luna explained.

"Judging from the way he's acting, I would almost think you've been filling his head with images of a tyrant ruler that would just as soon look at him as she would banish him," Celestia joked, then addressed me, "At ease, Joseph Human. Supreme Dictator Celestia is in a particularly non-tyrannizing mood today."

That brought on a new wave of laughs from Luna, but the white Alicorn controlled herself the second time around. I, on the other hand, was more irritated than amused. This was the older, deadly serious sister of Luna? This was the pony that an ancient Draconequus was so nervous of? She was no better than Luna! I didn't react though, still preferring to be safe rather than sorry. I simply stayed silent and waited for them to forget I'd ever made my error.

When they'd finished having their fun, again, Celestia was the first to speak, this time with a gentle smile on her face as opposed to the grin she had worn previously, "I sincerely apologize for my behavior, Joseph Human. It seems I'm the one guilty of making a bad first impression in this case. Let's start over, shall we?" She offered.

"Gladly," I muttered.

"As you should know, I am Princess Celestia. I rule Equestria during the daylight hours, while my sister takes control once the moon rises." She gestured a hoof towards me, "Your turn."

"Ah, well, my name is Joseph Palmyran. I am a human from an alternate Earth where my species reigns supreme and occupies much the same evolutionary spot that yours does here, and Equestria does not exist. Discord, after being banished from your world, started fooling around on mine. He plucked me from my home-world and sent me here, I'm supposing just because he had the power to do so."

"Really now?" She looked nowhere as shocked or upset as her sister had when she heard the same tale. "Is there any particular reason he sent just you and none afterwards?"

Crap, she's looking for details. Think fast!

"Well, he sort of tricked me into agreeing to play along with some vague scheme. Once he had my consent, he was able to pull me spiritually from my universe, after which he destroyed my original body and left me with no options other than to go where he sent me. It was either that or being trapped with him. I guess I was the first and only person dumb enough to fall for his trick."

"Don't be so quick to belittle yourself, Joseph. Discord's very nature is that of trickery and deceit. Had he wanted to send an army from your world, I have no doubt he would have found a way. What's a far more likely scenario to me is that he specifically chose you, and only you, to play some major or minor role in yet another of his plans against the peace and sanctity of Equestria." Celestia spoke casually, as if discussing the weather, but her eyes lost their benevolent gleam and took on one more cold and calculating as she continued, "There are now two possibilities for me to consider in the event that my guess accurate, which I will have to do for the sake of avoiding the most likely danger. Either you truly are a hapless victim caught up in his most recent scheme, or you're working alongside him, and simply following his guidance and attempting to earn our trust so that we would accept you into our society, allowing you to proceed unhindered in whatever plans he has laid out for you."

Holy shit.

Read like an open book. Wow.

Luna seemed surprised by her sister's suspicions, but could not argue their likelihood. She shrugged and gave me a look that told me she just didn't know what to think anymore.

I would have to get myself out of this one. No matter how accurate Celestia's assessment was, I had to prioritize my own safety over the preservation of Equestria.

Choosing my words carefully, I responded, "I'd say it's the former, but then again, that's exactly what his accomplice would say, isn't it? How do you plan on determining the truth? And what will you do once you find out?"

"Well, I would suggest a truth spell, but I suppose my sister would have already tried that, correct?" Luna nodded in confirmation. "So, how am I to proceed from here, is indeed the next question. Another truth spell would be redundant, if you managed to circumvent the first, and I dislike outright violent solutions. I suppose I shall simply have to banish you-"

"Oh crap NO!" I shouted, "No! Wait! Hold up! Aren't you being a bit hasty here? Don't I get a trial or something? Come on, you have to reconsider! What about-"

"... From Canterlot," She finished.

"Huh?" Both Luna and I exclaimed simultaneously.

"True, the safest course of action would be to outright banish you from Equestria and eliminate you as a threat entirely, but that doesn't solve the real problem; Discord. For the sake of giving myself time to think over a suitable course of action against him directly, it would actually be better for me to let you go free and attempt to carry out whatever it is you may or may not have planned. Simply getting rid of you could lead to him taking the more direct approach soon after, and using brute force to do his bidding, which is something he tends to do, being the sore loser that he is. That could have dire consequences for Equestria's inhabitants. I'd rather take the smaller risk first. However, anything of major value to Discord would be held within the Palace walls. Even if I let you have a chance to do whatever it is he wants you to do, that doesn't mean I'll make it easy. So rather than punish a potentially innocent creature, I'll bar you entry from the entire city grounds. If you are found attempting to violate this banishment in any form or fashion, I will see it as a sign of hostility, and take immediate action. Is this clear?"

"Crystal."

The amount of thought she had put into the situation in a matter of seconds was astounding. Any previous doubts I'd had of her competence were blown out the window, and I found myself with a sudden respect for the Alicorn.

"Still," Celestia continued, "I can't very well put an intelligent creature out into a place as dangerous as our Everfree Forest. Believe me when I tell you that without claws or fangs, you wouldn't last long out there. Instead, I'll keep you under surveillance in the nearby town of Ponyville. You will be granted residence with a pony of my choosing for the duration of your indefinite stay. You will be required to socialize on a daily basis with the residents, and every so often reports of your behavior and exploits will be sent to me, so that I can be sure of the safety of my citizens. Do these terms seem suitable?"

I am barely able to withhold my enthusiasm as I agree, "Absolutely."

Everything went better than expected.

"Wonderful." Her eyes softened once more, "Now I don't know about you two, but I am simply famished. Before I metaphorically kick you out of the city, would you care to enjoy breakfast with my sister and I? We could use it as a chance to get to know each other in a more relaxed atmosphere."

"That sounds like a fine idea, Princess," I said, before shouting in my most dramatic voice, "Onwards, to nourishment!"

And so I walked out alongside two chuckling Princesses, with complementing pairs of escorting day and night guards taking up the rear. I had no idea what either Discord or Celestia held in store for me, but for the moment things were looking up for the first time in what felt like forever. I felt alive.

End of Chapter 3

Some of you will notice that there isn't very much in the way of individual description. That's intentional thus far. I'm taking a page from Piers Anthony's book (All of them :3) and leaving most characters up to the reader's visualization, unless they're OC. In the case of Joseph, I'm not going to be saying anything about his actual looks unless the parts being described become a functional mechanic at some point in the story (eg. Having long hair in a fight is easy to abuse).

So... he can look however you want him too. Aint that neat?

Till next time, let feedback and shameless promotion abound! :D

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Equestria isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Yes, there's ponies. Yes, there's magic. Yes, there are dragons and manticores and hydras and who-knows however many more species that exist only as myth to humans. Yes, there is a pleasing lack of other humans to have to put up with. What could possibly be missing from this picture then? Why would I find reason to complain?

Let me break it down for you:

It's ruled by ponies.

Ponies are vegetarians.

I am not a fucking vegetarian.

I like to eat meat.

The ponies won't like that, so I can't do that.

In even simpler terms; I now have to be a vegetarian, and that fucking sucks.

I just wish I'd thought all that over before responding to Celestia when she asked me what I'd like for breakfast. How the hell was I supposed to know that they didn't find the concept of roasted pig flesh appealing?

***

"I'm sorry, but could you repeat that?" the white Alicorn asked with a confused look on her face.

"Bacon." I stupidly repeated. "You know, pig meat, but cut into strips?" I stupidly explained before my stupid mind realized stupidly late just how stupid I am.

Fuck, you're stupid.

I know...

Celestia's mouth opened and closed soundlessly. Luna and the servant unicorn that had come to take our breakfast requests only managed to copy half her actions.

Dead. Silence.

If I try running now, while they're shocked, think it'll give me enough of a head start to outrun them?

Nope.

Didn't think so.

"I'm... Sorry, Joseph," Celestia finally said, "but we are currently not stocking meat for the purpose of consumption at the palace, or anywhere else in Equestria for that matter. I hope you wouldn't mind trying a more vegetarian diet?"

"I hope so too," came Luna's deadpan followup. "Making a comment like that in Ponyville would do more than just disturb the locals, given their tendencies towards overreaction." She frowned and looked off to the side at nothing in particular. Something told me she was reminiscing her time with a particular pink pony in a chicken costume.

I agreed to Celestia's first suggestion of a simple fruit salad. Better than imprisonment, I suppose. After the waitress hastily departed to fetch our meals, the Princesses and I made ourselves comfortable in the dining room they had led me to. It consisted of just a few large sofas set around a large circular glass table. The room itself was small, by the palace's standards, at least. It was merely the size of my entire apartment, rather than the building that housed it. This was in stark contrast to some of the rooms we had passed through to get here, which ranged from two-storey arching corridors made purely marble and gold to vast ballrooms and courtyards the size of small football fields. This relatively basic room looked like it was designed more for relaxation than formal company, with the sofas being the large soft kind you just sink into. If they ate there every morning, at least the Princesses could never start their days stressed.

Being the restless soul I am, though, I couldn't just sit and wait for the food to arrive. I settled for less than two seconds before I was on my feet again and heading towards one of the windows to take in the scenery. We were five storeys above the gardens below, which were on the same level as the rest of Canterlot Palace's recreational grounds. I could still make out the statue of Discord that I had arrived at, inconspicuously resting several hundred feet away at the entrance to the maze. Looking to the right of that personal eyesore, I was granted a picturesque view of a curved section of Canterlot City, which encircled the palace walls. It was only upon seeing the tiny speck of a village nestled into the valley below, though, that I was able to truly grasp just how massive Canterlot City was. If the images displayed on the show are anything to go by, I'd say the whole thing was around two miles from the railway entrance to the opposite end, with the castle itself standing proudly over it all. Just being there had me feeling like royalty.

It was Luna that interrupted my distraction with a polite cough. Once they had my attention, the sisters gestured for me to take a seat alongside them. Of course, Celestia's offer of sharing breakfast hadn't been purely pleasantry; We had things to discuss.

I took a moment to decide where to sit before joining them. Despite the table being round, Celestia's position and gentle but commanding presence caused me to almost unconsciously classify whatever seat she took as being the 'head' of the table. I made the cheeky decision of sitting at what I now took to be the foot, opposite Celestia and to the right of Luna. Neither princess gave any indicator as to whether they'd even noticed my reasons for sitting where I did, and the elder simply nodded once I was seated before speaking.

"Joseph, what are you capable of?" She asked.

"That's a rather broad question. I can speak. I'm good at organizing things according to patterns and rules. I can't swim that well, but I can hold my breath underwater for almost two minutes, if that counts for anything. I'm bad at cooking, but good at eating. What exactly are you looking for?" I asked in return. Sarcasm is always more fun to use when the receiver can't be sure you're using it.

"I mean to understand the differences between your race and ours. To be more specific, your limitations in a world designed by and for ponies, such as eating habits. The most important thing I need to know though is whether or not you are capable of using magic, as it is very much a defining factor in this world."

Reasonable, as always. Making me uncomfortable, as always. My magic was something I'd hoped to keep under wraps till I was out of the palace walls, simply because the less powerful I appeared, the less of a threat they'd take me for. It's not like I was planning to hurt anyone, so hiding my true capabilities wasn't really that much of a weight on my conscience. Still, I didn't want to risk her question being purely for the sake of giving me a chance to admit before she even made an accusation. If I could sense the auras and magical ability of those around me once I focused enough, there was no doubt in my mind that Celestia could, would, and probably already had done the same to me.

"No need to worry there, Your Highness. Humans are familiar with magic, which I think may be part of the reason Discord chose one of us for whatever he may be planning. I haven't tried any spells since arriving here though, as I noticed some sort of restriction on this world's energy."

"Your observation was accurate. Equestria's magic is tied to thousands upon thousands of magical symbols, rather than simple emotion and will, as you'd find in most other worlds. Obviously I won't be able to personally assist you in learning how to use our magic, for the same reasons I can't allow you to stay here in Canterlot, but you are free to pursue your own studies into the field once in Ponyville. The town's library should have adequate resources to teach you the basics."

"I've always preferred learning things the hard way. I don't mind having to essentially start over from scratch. This will just be an opportunity for me to get reacquainted with the intricacies of the art."

She paused at that, "Hmm. 'Art'. I suppose hearing you think of magic as an art form says something positive about your mentality."

"Indeed," concurred Luna, "Most unicorns, which are the only one of the three main races that are capable of fully focused use of magic, look at it as a tool to make up for what they physically lack, or a science to be studied. Some even view the mandatory learning of its basics as a burden and a chore. It's nice to meet somep- someone who can appreciate its beauty and complexity."

"Thank you. Now, you just mentioned something about three races. That would include unicorns, the winged ponies I saw earlier, and your race, correct?" I intended to feign ignorance on as much topics as possible till I was safely out of their immediate range of observation.

"Actually, there are unicorns, who have horns and can consciously choose what they do with their magic, pegasi, who have wings and a natural affinity for weather, and Earth Ponies, who have neither wings nor horns, but have immense physical stamina. All three races are naturally tied to the magical leylines, which both define and enhance their unique aspects. As for my sister and I, we are Alicorns, which sport the wings of pegasi, horns of unicorns, and resilience of Earth Ponies. I only say 'three races' because Alicorns aren't-"

"Sister," Celestia quietly interjected, "don't bore our guest with unnecessary details. His question has been answered."

Luna's eyes widened briefly as she seemed to suddenly remember something, then her expression was once again relaxed. She smiled at me and apologized, "Sorry for rambling on like that. How about we change the topic to something more relevant? You'll be heading to Ponyville before the day's end, and you hardly know what to expect from our land. I suspect it would be best to let you learn that on your own time, along with your magic studies," she subtly glanced at her sister, "but you deserve to at least know where you're going to be living during your hopefully temporary stay here. I suspect it will be at the town's library, as it does have one or two vacant rooms. Sister?"

"No. Not at the library," said Celestia.

"Huh?" Said Luna in surprise.

"Huh?" I echoed, earning myself two strange looks.

I'm a Human in Equestria! Cliche dictates that I have to stay with Twilight!

The fictions were a lie? I don't know what to believe anymore!

"I have a more appropriate household in mind," Celestia continued. "You'll be staying with a Miss Cashmere Down. She has made sure to keep her guest rooms vacant and ready at all times for royal guests, as per my request. She is a particularly studious friend of mine, and I'm sure she'll be eager to allow you to make use of her sizable personal collection of books, in exchange for providing her with the opportunity to study a new species."

She's essentially bribing you for information.

I need the books to learn about my environment, and Celestia wants to learn about me in as much detail as she can get her prissy hooves on. No doubt everything I tell this Cashmere will be reported to the Princess, along with information on exactly what I study. It's not that surprising of a tactic, but certainly one I didn't expect from Princess Freaking Celestia. There’s sure a lot of tricks for someone supposedly against Discord.

Can't do much to prove yourself innocent at the moment though, and you've already introduced yourself using mostly half-lies. She's right to be suspicious.

Point taken. Am I really that far off from what she thinks I am? I guess I can't ask for trust till I become trustworthy.

How long did it take you to work that one out?

“Sounds fair enough," I say after some thought. "She wouldn't be the first pony I've met that displayed a healthy scientific curiosity." I glanced at Luna and she glanced at a suddenly interesting spot on the ceiling. "Knowledge for knowledge. I look forward to the learning opportunity."

"Your unwavering ambition is commendable," said Celestia. "You find yourself stranded and in a strange world and spend not a moment to grieve what you lost. Doesn't the possibility of not being able to return to your home upset you?"

It was obvious that she was still hung up on the whole 'I'm a spy from Discord' deal, and my lack of concern for my current predicament was nothing but a lack of evidence for my claims of unwilling involvement. She clearly didn't intend to leave me with even a shred of privacy, putting concern for her ponies above common courtesy. Even her younger sister seemed too apprehensive to ask such an intrusive question, though she nevertheless looked at me intently as she awaited my answer. As justified as they were in getting an answer, it still irritated me to be victimized from two already opposing parties. It's a good thing I'm such an open guy. If they wanted the truth, they could have it.

"To be completely honest, not really. I didn't really have much to live for but myself, selfish as it sounds, and that's pretty much all I got sent here with, so I'm still happy."

Celestia looked at me disbelievingly, "What about your friends? Your family? Your entire race? Wouldn't you miss them? You seem almost content with being here."

"Most of my 'friends' were just people I associated myself with temporarily, as I couldn't afford any permanent relationships while I was still in school since I would have had to part ways with them once my course was completed anyways. I haven't seen my family in over two years, by choice. I just drifted apart from them once I started living on campus, and don't really think of them that much, and I'm sure they do me the same favor. My race? Hah. Trust me when I say that on a whole, they're not worth the effort of missing. Here I am now in a strange new world with no prior commitments or debts to hold me down. I'm free from the shackles of my previous society, and now have a chance to experience something entirely new and interesting. Talking ponies don't exist in my world, much less unicorns and pegasi. Who knows how many other fantastic new creatures I'll find? I don't know exactly what Equestria holds in store for me, but I look forward to every minute of it."

The sisters were silent for a while after I finished, Luna seeming curious and Celestia simply looking pensive. Before the silence could become uncomfortable though, the elder spoke.

"It is abnormal to me to meet someone who can so casually discard those he knows and not feel any regret for his actions, but I cannot judge you for your choices. Our cultures are different, and while I do not know whether such behavior is normal for a human, I will not attempt to force you into our ways." She surprised me by cracking a slight smile as she continued, "In fact, I don't think it will be necessary. After spending time among the residents of Ponyville, I am confident that either your attitude towards companionship will change or you will tire of life in this world very quickly. The nature of this land is one of coexistence, and by living in it, you become a part of it. Without the desire to interact and make new companions, you will quickly find Equestrian life to be a trying experience. Mark my words, Joseph."

"Marked," I wryly replied.

"Well, I have no further questions for you. Your last statement told me all I needed to know," said Celestia. She looked over her shoulder as she continued, "And it seems we've finished just in time. Breakfast has arrived."

I followed her gaze to see the same waitress that had taken our orders returning from whatever royal kitchen she had run off to, flanked by what looked like a pair of waiter Earth stallions carrying covered trays on their backs. All three had the same gray coat and straight glossy-black hair, causing me to briefly wonder if they were all related. I couldn't make out the cutie marks on any of them, due to their absurd yet somehow fitting butler outfits. The mare was wearing the type of maid outfit you'd see in pictures of the early nineteenth century, or maybe just on certain unmentionable websites. The guys were dressed up in, believe it or not, matching shirts and pants, complete with white undershirt, cuffs, collars and all that fancy shit.

I choked when I saw them enter the room. They didn't hear me, but the Princesses were much closer, and gave me dual reprimanding glares. I tried my best to resist the giggles, and ultimately had to bite my lip just to distract myself. Luna rolled her eyes at my lack of etiquette and turned to greet the servants.

"Excellent time, as always, Sherry," she said.

"Thank you, Your Grace. I always do my best," the mare replied in a soft but resolute voice.

She motioned with her head and the stallions came forward with the dishes. Without saying a word, they smoothly deposited the plates on the glass table without so much as causing them to rattle, removed the covers one by one and placed those on their backs once more, then bowed before departing the way they'd came.

Sherry stayed back to set out our drinks, using her oh-so-handy horn to levitate the three golden cups off their tray and to their respective users, and then pouring us each a glass of the most expensive looking water I'd ever seen. The bottle was green and shaped like any other wine bottle would be, complete with cork and a vaguely French sounding name displayed in gold on one side. Even when I noticed that the liquid in it was completely clear, I expected it to be vodka or maybe even white rum. I wasn't till it was being poured in the container directly before me that I realized it had no scent at all.

Considering all the effort they put into the packaging alone, you'd swear the water cures cancer or something.

You may be on to something there. Ever hear about a pony with cancer?

Oh my god...

Once we each had our refreshments, she curtsied to Celestia and trotted out of the room once more. Fancy display aside, the food was actually pretty darned simple, and also delicious. I had a mix of seedless grapes, sliced apples, two orange halves and baby carrots (I had asked for a fruit salad, but decided not to say anything). Celestia and Luna both had... Bouquets.

I'm did a double-take as I noticed what had been in their plates, or rather, bowls. Both were filled with fancy arrangements of various colorful flowers. Tulips, lilies, roses and whatever other flowers I never bothered to learn how to recognize made up their breakfast. Each petal was full and vibrant and slightly glistened in the soft light of the early morning, giving me the impression that the chefs had either intentionally moistened the flowers just prior to serving, or that they'd been picked fresh with morning dew right from the freaking garden.

I honestly shouldn't have been surprised. I'd seen more than one pony munch on a plant or two in the show. Still, actually seeing royalty, more than that, living goddesses or creatures of at least similar power, dine on a bunch of frilly flowers... I couldn't help it. I just didn't seem fitting.

I got so distracted from my own meal that Luna eventually noticed me staring at her daintily nibbling off the petals of a particularly outstanding white and purple specimen.

"Is something the matter, Joseph? Would you like some flowers instead?"

"Huh? Oh! No! It's okay. It's just... Well, never mind. I just felt a bit odd, is all," I stammered.

"'A bit odd'? You're literally an alien to us. Of course you'd feel odd!" She laughed. "Humans don't eat flowers, do they?"

I answered in the negative.

"And they also eat meat, hopefully out of preference rather than necessity?" She continued.

"Correct, though I wouldn't say it's so much a preference as it is an addiction. We like what we like."

"I see," She said, trailing off into silent thought as she finished her flower and switched to another.

"I sincerely hope," mumbled Celestia around what looked to be a rose, "that your kind is capable of healthy function while following a vegetarian diet, as the only place you'd get to enjoy an alternative within Equestria’s borders is in the Everfree Forest, where civilization has given way to the unpredictable and dangerous savagery of nature. It would be a shame if we were forced to send you there, wouldn't it?"

I stuck my tongue out at her as she grinned slyly at me. Apart from whatever harsh decisions she may have considered making relating to my predicament, she was actually proving to be relatively pleasant company. At the very least, she had a good sense of humor. At no point in time did she raise her voice, or become flustered as her sister had. I almost felt regret when we had finished eating and she turned to the matter of my transport to and stay in Ponyville. Almost.

After Sherry had come and collected our things, making it a point not to steal too many glances at me while she did so, Celestia briefly closed her eyes and performed some magic that caused her how to glow softly for a short time. I openly gave her a questioning look, and she explained, "I signaled for my personal assistant to join us in the gardens twenty minutes from now. He will facilitate your trip to the town and ensure that you have begun settling in before they day's end."

"Ooh. Long distance telepathy? Any chance of you telling me how to do that one?"

"About as much chance of me telling you how to use mind control," she responded with a grin as she and her sister rose off the sofas.

Uhhh...

"Right, didn't think so," I timidly said while I followed suit.

We began walking towards the exit in much the same way we'd arrived, when Luna suddenly stopped. Her sister and I looked at her curiously, and she seemed to be considering something.

"If you would like a display of what there is to be learned magic-wise here," she eventually said, "I wouldn't mind obliging you, seeing as you're still our guest. It was a bothersome walk all the way up here, and the only reason we're even leaving the Palace proper is to meet with my sister's assistant. Why go through the hassle again when we can use magic?"

Celestia's ears perked straight up as she apparently caught on to something. "Luna, you can't seriously mean to use now of all times as a chance to practice-"

"It won't be practice! I've gotten the hang of it now. I promise everyone will arrive in one piece this time," she cheerfully responded.

This time?

"I'm lost here. Would either of you mind filling me in?" I said.

Celestia sighed in exasperation, massaging her temple with a gold-adorned hoof while she answered, "My dear sister is eager to turn what would be a simple walk down to the gardens into yet another opportunity for her to experiment with teleportation. She's never been particularly good at it, and-"

"Hey! I can do it just fine!" protested Luna.

"Oh please, even when it happened, and you were at the height of your power, you still had to resort to a basic shape-shifting spell and turn into a cloud of sparkly dust to get around quickly."

The blue Alicorn blew the most dignified raspberry I've ever heard, "Oh, sure, let's bring that back up now. It's been two years, sister. I think I've improved somewhat since then."

"I'm not saying you haven't, I just don't think you've perfected the spell. I wouldn't want a repeat of what happened to poor Philomena."

"She recovered!"

"She's a phoenix, of course she did. But unless Joseph here has the ability to spontaneously deconstruct and reconstruct his body to repair any serious damage, I don't want to risk it."

"If it's all the same with you," I interjected, entirely and blindly intrigued by the concept of being teleported, "I won't mind letting her try it out. If she says she's mastered it, let her actions speak for themselves. What's the worst that could happen?"

"You have no idea." Celestia hissed.

"Look, even the alien--no offense--has more faith in me than you do! Are you really going to keep your own flesh and blood down like this?"

Celestia was about to retort but instead clenched her teeth, groaned in frustration, then said, "Fine!" She turned to me with a glare, "But don't say I didn't warn you!"

Luna excitedly began to focus, her horn glowing with rapidly increasing intensity. The dust in the air around us began to vibrate madly with residual energy, purple sparks of magic leaping from Alicorn to human to Alicorn to the ground and everything in-between.

I watched in fascination at the display, one part of my mind wondering how long it would take for me to be able to learn and perform such a spell, and another only just deciphering what had up till then only seemed an incoherent babble from Celestia's mouth due to my initial anticipation of the experience.

I began to voice my sudden concern to the irritated Celestia who appeared to be in the process of casting her own spell in the form of a bubble--or possibly shield--around herself.

"Hey, Celestia, what exactly happened last-"

FLASH

"FUCK!"

End of Chapter 4

Obligatory Author's End-Of-Chapter comments here.

Once again, another fun chapter. This time, I tried to capture the personality of Equestria's oh-so-adored ruler as well as I could while also adding elements that I found fitting, such as being able to both make and appreciate a good joke. As for Luna... Yeah, I know. It's TTEOAP-esque, but I swear I wasn't inspired by the Luna of that story so much as I was by the one portrayed in the episode 'Nightmare Night'. That Luna was naive, insecure, out of touch... But she wanted a to be loved, just like she did before the whole 'OHMAHGAWD IMMA TAKE OVER EQUESTRIA' deal happened.

She's still Celestia's little sister, and they doubtless grew up together. I'm saying that before the separation, their relationship would have been similar to what I showed here, except that while Luna was imprisoned with evil Space AIDS, Celestia had a thousand years to become withdrawn and serious. The entire conflict happened because Luna had the childlike quality of being attention-hungry, and went all out insane because of it (Maybe something else, but let's pretend it's just that for the moment). So while she was stuck with the taint/possession, she wasn't herself. So when she returned, her mentality would be very similar to what it was like up till the time of banishment, and she'd even have the urge to make things the way they were between Celestia and herself.

TL;DR - Luna's somewhat immature because of her time in exile, and Celestia has a very special face that she only uses for her sister. This accounts for the difference in their overall behavior, ie, why Luna would behave so much like a teenage girl when her sister is practically an adult (Ages aside).

Next chapter will be a bit shorter, as it's drawing the curtains on this whole awkward initiation into Equestrian life through Canterlot, but rest assured that the ones to come will be longer and far more captivating.

Till then, remember to spread this story to your friends like the plague. :3
Later all

Chapter 6

ADT Chapter 6

Honestly, it wasn't that far of a distance between Canterlot and Ponyville; About two dozen kilometers at most. With the speed we were soaring at, the trip itself took no longer than two hours. It was completely uneventful as far as the actual journey went, due mostly to my no-talky-talky curse, except for right when we were departing...

Holy moist crumpets.

Holy what? Where did that come from?

Remember how Celestia was sort of... Weird?

Yes, in several ways. Could you be more specific?

When we first met her. You'll recall she was somehow able to sneak up on you while you were sleeping, because I couldn't sense her aura for some reason?

I'd just assumed she was concealing it.

Hah. No chance of that ever happening. I just realized why she was invisible to your non-physical senses. Turn around and use your second sight.

I did so, relaxing my aura once more and letting it form a veil before me. What I saw was utterly beyond belief, and made my heart stop cold.

Canterlot City; That's how large it was. I was staring open-mouthedly at an orb of celestial white flames that encompassed the entirety of Canterlot, from end to end. At first I'd thought it was a protection spell since it was similar in size and shape to the one used by Shining Armor during the attempted Changeling takeover, but it was not a solid orb. Its hue, consistency and shimmering form left me with no doubt in my mind, though I still had trouble accepting it.

Please tell me that's the collective energy of every citizen of Canterlot somehow globbed together into a nightmarish mass.

I won't lie to you. That's one soul and one soul alone. It belongs to someone you should be thankful you didn't piss off.

How did you not notice that, exactly?

You'll notice that the environment you're in right now is far less saturated with energy than Canterlot Castle's gardens were. All living creatures leave some residue behind once they've existed somewhere. Back at the observatory, you saw that residue as a white fog permeating the gardens around us. I'd just believed that was because the land itself was swarming with life. It wasn't until we left the city, and the range of her aura, that I was able to sense things with sudden clarity, and realize just what we've been dealing with since we arrived.

Spiritual residue? Where the heck are you getting this information?

Discord left me with more than just magic. It would have been unwise to send you here without the basest knowledge of what you’d be doing, so he imparted some of his more technical knowledge with me. I’m ashamed to say that, while I had the information, I wasn’t able to make the connection till I saw it I action. I’ll be more on the ball in the future.

… Whatever. I’ve met two ponies that I recognize so far, and I’m several orders of magnitude weaker then both. I’m going to learn and eventually outshine them.

That's like an ant trying to arm wrestle a sphinx. I'd tell you to accept your place, but that'd only make you fight reality harder. I wish you luck, General Asshat.

Oh hardy-har.

My internal reverie concluded, I instead focused on taking in the sights of Equestria's Mile High club. Honestly, we weren't that high up, but a fall from that height directly to solid ground would leave more than a few gibs to clean up.

One thing I was quick to notice about Equestria was that the clouds were at a far lower altitude than I was used to seeing them at. We were only a few hundred feet up, and the air wasn't even chilly yet, nevertheless I saw dozens of tiny recognizable white puffs floating around far below us. It was only upon seeing these that it occurred to me that Canterlot also had clouds both above and below the city, ranging from free floating blobs that drifted aimlessly around highest towers to arranged formations, such as the race course along the side of the mountain it was all built into.

The Pegasi controlled the weather here. I'd have to remember that. Even the plants didn't grow without a pony to tend to them, if I recalled correctly. I was ignorant of the exact mechanics of Equestria's nature, but I'd figure it out in time.

After some time, the carriage tilted downwards, interrupting my relaxed observations. It didn't lurch, but the unexpected change in angle sent my stomach into my throat and made me freeze involuntarily. Looking dead ahead, I could see the reason for our descent; Ponyville in all its technicolor glory was before us.

About time we got this show on the road.

Unlike Canterlot, which had been primarily made out of stone, marble and precious metals almost entirely themed in white and gold, Ponyville was a far more cozy settlement. Even from a hundred feet away, I could make out the various thatched and wooden roofs and simple yet colorfully painted buildings that lay scattered about the small town. It was a far cry from the regality of my place of arrival, and that was a welcome refreshment to me.

The pegasi continued to descend towards an ever so slightly lowering trajectory. Not a word was shared between them, yet they moved in perfect synchronicity as they tilted their wings lower and lower to control our angle of descent. Within a minute of beginning their dive, we'd landed at the outskirts of Ponyville.

Both soldiers unsaddled themselves and came around to the back of the carriage to meet me. I had partly expected them to just drop me off and leave, but then it occurred to me that I would not only need to be shown where Cashmere Down lived, but to also be introduced to at least some of Ponyville's residents. I couldn't very well do that myself on account of the still functioning ‘STFU’ spell that had been cast on me, so I welcomed any assistance granted.

As I dismounted, I heard a stifled gasp off to my left. The three of us pivoted to perceive a pair of particular pink and purple peeking ponies pitched in a patch of petunias. No, I'm not sorry.

Oh mah gudnais! It's Twilight and Pinkie Pie! Quick, do I have anything for them to sign?! Wait- No. Self control. They're just two more ponies. I'm going to stay calm and treat them as such.

Try not to get any drool on them.

You underestimate my power...

"Ugh! Pinkie, let go of me!" growled the purple mare as she struggled to detach herself from a candy-colored limb that was dragging her to the ground.

"But what if-"

"It's not going to eat us! Princess Celestia wouldn't have sent us to greet the creature if it were dangerous in any shape or form," Twilight indignantly explained. I wasn't sure if I should be annoyed or amused at how they were reacting to me.

"Of course it's not dangerous, you silly filly," countered the Earth pony. "I was going to ask you if it might be shy. We should have snuck up on it so that it didn't see us from a distance and get spooked." That's Pinkie logic for ya.

One of the burly pegasi beside me called to them, "Ahem, ladies?"

Twilight jumped as if she'd only just realized that they were being observed. "Oh! Sorry about that, Mister royal guard. Just a moment." She finally snatched her forehoof away and trotted over to us, a leather saddlebag slung across her back.

"Ackies!" Pinkie was dragged out of the patch of roadside flowers that had been concealing her by the force of Twilight's pull and tumbled fully into view.

"Well there goes any chance of a surprise 'hello'!" was her only comment, after which she just lay on her back in the dirt, presumably thinking Pink.

The unicorn gave a Luna-reminiscent sigh before formally introducing herself. "Good morning, guards and guest. My name is Twilight Sparkle; Personal protege to Princess Celestia herself. Though, I'm sure at least two of you already knew that." She giggled nervously at her attempt at humor and turned to me. "I'm here on behalf of the Princess, as I just received a letter from her informing me of your approach and plans to stay in the town indefinitely. Welcome to Ponyville! I just know you're going to love it here. I've been instructed to give you a tour of the town and introduce you to the most important ponies here to help you get settled in as quickly as possible. We can be on our way as soon as-"

Her eyes suddenly widened with a combination of realization and remembrance.

"Oh, right. She said you wouldn't be able to speak until I removed that spell on you. Just a moment." She closed her eyes. "Let's see, how did that cure go again..."

Her horn glowed softly for a second, though the effect was nearly lost in the full light of the morning sun. Immediately, I felt my tongue begin to shrink like a deflating balloon, and seconds later my mouth was once again free and usable.

I flexed my jaw for a while, working out the kinks formed after the hours spent with it wedged open.

"Are you okay?" she asked. "Did it work? That was only my second time trying that particular spell on something living, but it's simple enough. I sure hope I didn't mess it up."

"Testing- Yeah, I'm good. Thanks Twi...light," I caught myself. Once again, I had to remind myself that I was supposed to be unfamiliar with anyone there.

"If you don't mind me asking, why exactly did you have a puff-tongue spell on you?"

Because you're an idiot.

"Because Celestia doesn't take kindly to sarcasm," I curtly answered.

"I... Would imagine not," she said unsurely. "Anyway, are you all set for the tour?"

I nodded.

"In that case, I'll take it from here, gentlemen," she told the soldiers with a polite smile. "Thanks again for your help."

The pegasi shrugged and returned to their chariot saddles without another word. Bastards didn't even wish me luck, after all we'd been through together...

As they hitched themselves up for departure, Twilight attempted to strike up a conversation. "To be honest, I'm not exactly the kind of pony to go around helping others socialize, much less a stranger. That's why-"

She was cut off as a lump of pink fluffy hair appeared between us, and its proud owner finished for her. "That's why I volunteered to make sure you're all buddy buddy with every mare, stallion and cupcake in town by day's end! Hi, name's Pinkie Pie! What's yours? What are you? How come I've never seen one of you before? Why're you moving into Ponyville? What goes up white, but comes down yellow, gray an-" Her verbal assault was thankfully silenced by a well-placed purple hoof.

Twilight gave me an apologetic look, "Sorry about that. Pinkie can be rather..."

"Suffocating?" I supplied.

"I was going for 'overwhelming', but whichever you think applies more," she laughed.

Pinkie messily spat her hoof out, much to Twilight's disgust, and piped in once more, "Speaking of suffocating, geez Twilight! Give a girl some space!"

The unicorn just glared silently at the unapologetic, perpetually grinning party pony as she wiped the unappreciated slobber off onto the dirt track. She nudged her head to the town entrance a little ways before us, and began trotting towards it. I walked briskly behind her, and Pinkie Pie cheerfully bounced beside us.

Without even needing to close her eyes or tense in focus, Twilight lifted a trusty list and quill from the pack at her side. The objects were surrounded in a subtle purple glow as they moved to hover before her, pen poised and at the ready to begin ticking off numerous unfilled boxes visible on the paper. Such a feat of telekinetic prowess was well beyond me at the moment, due in part to my inexperience, and also to my sleep deprivation, so I watched her with mild jealousy.

"Alright," she said, "let's begin, shall we? First thing's first; What's your name?"

"It's Joseph," I answered. "Joseph Palmyran," I added as an afterthought. I rarely made use of my last name, but I just wanted to be thorough.

"Alright Joseph, the Princess tells me you're one of a kind here in Equestria, and that you come from a far off land ruled by 'humans' instead of ponies. She also said that your culture is very similar to ours, and put me in charge of making sure you get accustomed to ours." She paused briefly and put a hoof to her chest as a show of dedication, "You can count on me! I'll make sure you know the ins and outs of our history, traditions, magic and - something she strangely decided to emphasize - our diets."

"Uh, right," I nervously laughed.

As we neared the first set of buildings, we passed a few sets of ponies heading to and from the town. Every one of them reacted to the sight of a tall, bipedal creature strolling beside two of the most well-know ponies in town. Some did double, then triple takes. Some openly stared, or gawked. Much to my chagrin though, none screamed, or cried "Monster!". I was simply an oddity, and being in the presence of two relaxed ponies said a lot for my deadliness.

So much for terrifying the locals.

"Well, with that on the table," said Twilight, "our first stop will be at Miss Cashmere Down's manse so that you can get your bearings, after which we'll be going to introduce you to the Mayor, followed by Sweet Apple Acres, and then to Sugarcube Corner for lunch. Anything after that is up to you." She said all this while scribbling away at the parchment before her.

I looked over at the list and saw that she had indeed made plans for every one of the locations she had called, and then some. There were even scribbled estimates for times of both arrival and departure next to each name. She said that she had only 'just' gotten the Princess' letter, so I didn't see how she could have possibly planned an entire morning to accommodate a complete stranger on such short notice.

"Hold on, 'manse', you said?" I asked as I finished processing her words.

"Yupperoni!" answered Pinkie before Twilight could even open her mouth. "Cashy's got one heck of a house on her hooves. It's mostly guest rooms, which is strange, cuz she doesn't ever have any guests over. You're actually the first as far as I know."

"Cashy?" I repeated incredulously. "You call a mare with a name like Cashmere Down 'Cashy'? That hardly seems fitting."

She rolled her eyes. "Ugh, tell me about it! I used to call her ‘Downy’, which sounds way cuter, but for some reason that made her really really mad, especially when I used the name in public."

Twilight slapped her forehead with a hoof and sighed, but said nothing. I just tried my best not to laugh.

We gradually transitioned from fields with houses sparsely scattered here and there to regularly spaced homes as we walked. Every building was more decorated and looked more lived in than the last. Before I knew it, we were officially in Ponyville, surrounded by colorful structures and confused ponies on all sides.

Needless to say, the number of strange looks I got increased exponentially as we got closer to the densely populated hub of the community. Scores of curious inhabitants turned to stare at the never-before-seen creature that was padding along with both the local bookworm and party animal.

While Twilight tried her best not to shrink back under the combined focus of so many ponies at once, Pinkie seemed to love the attention, giggling with increasing frequency as townsfolk kept dropping whatever they had been holding in their mouths at the moment, or kept on performing their various tasks and chores without focusing on them. She outright fell over laughing when an unfortunate mare at a cafe we were passing failed to pay attention as she carried a cake to a customer and tripped over her own hooves, splattering both herself and him in whipped cream and frosting. Twilight's ears just went further back along her head.

It wasn't long before we reached our destination, but it sure felt like it. A couple nosy kids and gossipy individuals had actually had the nerve to follow us at a distance from time to time, just to see what we were up to. There wasn't anything wrong with it, but I wanted to be feared, if not accepted. Nobody likes being a freakshow.

"Well, here you are," declared the lavender unicorn as we came to a stop before one building that was admittedly larger than most of what I'd seen thus far. "This is the home of Cashmere Down. I can't really tell you what to expect while staying here, since I don't really know her all that well, but she is one of the Princess' most relied upon contacts here in Ponyville, so you can be sure you're in capable hooves."

The wooden house was painted entirely white save for the tan roof, and was easily the length of any two of the surrounding buildings. There was no lawn, but two palm trees were set at opposite ends of the structure, making it all look extremely elegant, if not a little out of place in the countryside town. A simple short flight of steps led to a shaded verandah which had several chairs and even a swinging bench to make sure that any visitors were comfortable even when outside of the no doubt elegant interior.

I finished appreciating the view and walked up to the door, my two companions staying close behind. I lifted a hand and gave the doorbell a firm press, hearing a single ring resonate from indoors and echo throughout the building. I then stood at the door and waited for Cashmere's response.

And waited, and waited.

Seconds turned into minutes, during which I repeatedly tried to signal the owner of the house, but met with no success. My patience quickly wore thin, and became outright irritation.

"Huh. That's strange. I would have expected someone with her status to be a bit more punctual," said a confused Twilight.

Pinkie hopped around excitedly, "Maybe she's been kidnapped again! Ooh, this is the perfect chance to try out my new spy gear. This time I’ve even got a grappling hook!"

"Wait, what do you mean 'again'?" I asked suspiciously. "She's been kidnapped before?"

"If you count getting randomly dragged off by Pinkie every couple of weeks to do who-knows-what as being kidnapped, then, yes," Twilight wryly answered.

I wasn't sure what to think. Had she gone out for whatever reason? Twilight did have a point. Someone that was outright depended upon by the Princess would be expected to be at the ready when they were needed. Perhaps she simply hadn't heard the doorbell?

I began hammering the button as rapidly as I could just to be sure, its echoing dings melding together into a deep and steady thrum that, while clearly audible from outdoors, must have been an absolute nightmare for anybody within. Hey, if she wasn't home, no harm done, right?

There was a loud crash from in the house. I abruptly ceased my incessant ringing and listened closely, hoping that I hadn't somehow broken something. There was now the unmistakable sound of someone moving around and speaking coming from somewhere inside.

I pressed my ear to the door, and the muffled speech became recognizable as a female voice. "... I swear to Celestia's Great Aunt Beatrice, PINKAMENA, IF THAT'S YOU AGAIN, YOU'D BEST START RUNNING NOW!"

The shouted warning was accompanied by the steady clops of a pony fast approaching the entrance. Foreseeing the incoming mishap that would befall me, considering that the door swung outwards, I took a big step back away from the thick and undoubtedly hard wood, just in time for it to slam open and reveal a particularly irate looking tan-maned pegasus glaring out at the world.

A pegasus? But the Princess said 'studious'! Pegasi are supposed to be, like, the natural equivalent of pony jocks! his can't really be-

"Cashy! You're okay and not kidnapped!" The jubilant Earth pony rushed up to the supposed Cashmere Down and smothered her with a hug, to which the annoyed mare reacted by doing absolutely nothing.

She just allowed Pinkie to become sufficiently attached to her, and actually wrapped a white foreleg tightly around her neck, almost as if to hold her closer. She then asked very calmly, "Pinkamena, were you the one that woke me up at this ungodly hour and caused me to break yet another of my expensive Canterlot wine glasses?"

"Nope! That was Jo-Jo over there." She pointed directly at me.

Cashmere's green irises orbited towards me, and I immediately noticed the bloodshot white surrounding them. Several things occurred to me in the space of the next few awkward seconds of silence:

This pony had been drinking. This pony was enduring a very acute case of hangover, and I had prematurely woken her from her drunken slumber by the worst possible way you can wake anything ever from its drunken slumber—loud and repetitive noise. She was angry, and she had just been given a target.

She stared at me, not seeming surprised, but not saying anything or changing her deadpan expression to indicate otherwise. After several tense moments in which I debated running more than twice, she spoke.

"Did you wake me up?" she asked.

"N- Yes," I bravely answered.

She immediately released her grip of Pinkie and turned to Twilight, "I don't know what he is, or what you're here for, but the reason had better be damn good unless you want to end up leaving here with one less creature thing than you showed up with."

Twilight didn't flinch or shy away despite Cashmere's harsh tone. I wish the same could be said for me. Even Pinkie backed off once she picked up on her mood. Surprisingly enough, the otherwise reclusive unicorn met the red-eyed glare of the pegasus with a serious stare of her own.

"Miss... Cashmere, please tell me that you—one of Princess Celestia's very own trained, private and professional contact—are not drunk," she asked very slowly.

"I aint drunk," the annoyed mare replied. "I was drunk. Now I just have one heck of a headache to show for it. Now are you going to explain why the three of you are here, or can I get straight to making him regret disturbing my beauty sleep?"

Twilight flashed a distasteful look, but suppressed it and complied, "Well, Cashmere," I noticed the sudden absence of a title, "I'm here on behalf of the Princess to help Joseph, the human here, around town, and our first stop has to be at your house. Is it safe to assume you know what for?"

The anger immediately vanished from Cashmere's face and she glanced meaningfully towards a stack of unopened letters and parcels visible on a table in the entry hall, on top of which sat a scroll with a distinct and intact red seal marking its unread status.

"Uhhh, yeah, of course I do." Her demeanor instantly changed into that of a more soft-spoken and less murder-inclined pony. "I've been expecting you, Mister Joseph. It's a pleasure to finally meet you in the flesh. You'll find me to be a very accommodating host, and my cozy house is only half as warm as my heart. Forgive me for my initial impression, but I'm recovering from a serious ailment and sometimes drink is the only thing a pony can resort to for comfort. Please, come inside and make yourself at home." She smiled wide and gestured invitingly towards the inside of her house.

What the balls... Did Celestia have to choose old Hyde pony here, out of all the possible options?

Sleep with a knife under your pillow and you'll be fine. Maybe. Make it two knives and a cyanide pill, just to be safe.

Not wanting to antagonize her further by stalling, I accepted her invitation and walked into the corridor. Twilight and Pinkie made no move to follow, looking at the doorway as if it were a barrier into some other world.

"We'll wait here, thanks," Twilight said as politely as she could manage, and seated herself on the nearest bench.

Pinkie was quick to follow her lead. "Yeah, I think I'll stick with Twi. Just check out your new pad and then it's back to the tour!"

I nodded, and Cashmere looked at them darkly. She opened her mouth to say something, but nervously glanced at me and seemed to reconsider.

"Suit yourselves," she grumbled, and slammed the door.

We've been abandoned with a psycho. Twilight, Pinkie, I'll never forget this!

"Rooms are upstairs," she told me once we were alone. "There's a good bit to choose from, so just take a look at them and tell me which one you want. Just know that the one on the far left is occupied and off limits."

There was a flight of stairs at the very end of the glossy white corridor that led up to the second storey of the building. There had only been two storeys visible from outside, but I also suspected that she had an attic because of the triangular shape of her roof. I'd have time to look for all that later.

The last I saw of Cashmere as I ascended the stairs was her hastily cracking open the letter that Silas had sent her once she thought my back was turned. I could only hope that she took the news of my sudden imposition well.

The walls along the stairs were decorated with several photographs of Cashmere, but in each one she shared the frame with someone else. In some there were ponies, both male and female. There were also pictures containing griffins, zebras, donkeys and even one with a familiar muscular blue minotaur. Each scene featured Cashmere and her company standing together before her house, which remained much the same in each shot. Previous tenants. perhaps?

I reached the top and found myself in another corridor, except this one ended with a large glass window overlooking a section of the town. Doors lined the walls on both sides, numbering six in total with each spaced almost ten feet from the next.

Five large unused rooms to decide between. Maybe I should get a job working for the Princess too. Her tips must be damn fine.

I opened the first door on my left and found myself in a large bedroom with the standard furnishings. There was a wardrobe, dresser, and a couple shelves, all completely empty. There were plain blue curtains across two normal windows, a regular bed; It was all pretty standard fare, if even a bit bland for such a grandiose house.

Moving on, I found the second room to be slightly more interesting. In addition to what the previous one had had, it featured a vanity table lined with jewels along the edges. Beside it were several assorted brushes, combs, clips and other haircare products, so that the room’s occupant would be able to groom themselves in whatever manner they saw fit. To go along with these, there was also a much pinker, fluffier bed. By the way, when I said that it was ‘more interesting’, I meant that. I didn’t mean that it was any more appealing than the bare essentials.

Maybe if I were slightly less inclined towards being straight.... NEXT!

It continued in this fashion for the next two rooms.

One was chock full of board games, like chess and checkers and that weird Asian thing with the dots (Except, you know, with less Asian history behind it.), as well as having a wall mounted dart board, and even a full size pool table. Distractions are nice and all, but I much preferred to lose myself in a good book, or violent video game.

The other was really nice; As opposed to the single-tone walls and relatively tame features of the rooms before, the walls were all painted with various landscapes, as were the curtains, and the ceiling. Even the tiled floor—which was something different, since all the other rooms had wooden floorboards—had a different scene or creature depicted on each ceramic square. It also had several easels, brushes and paints set aside in one corner so that the person sleeping there would have an outlet for their inspiration, should it ever strike while they were indoors. While I wasn’t particular to painting, it was the most relaxing choice yet, and I would have taken if the next room hadn’t been so... Awesome.

If nothing else, I guess I’ll go for- OH GOD

It was pretty much the same deal as the first room. Standard furniture. Standard decorations. Except it had a freaking RECORD PLAYER in one corner, as well as three fully stocked shelves of the discs right above it, and a piano to the right of that. That may not sound like much to you, but you have to remember that I no longer had my phone, or internet access. All I could really use to entertain myself was magic, and here I’d been given an opportunity to enjoy music again. I’m not a picky guy, so whether it be rock or classical, I could lose myself in a beat. The piano, I didn’t know jack about using, but I suppose it’s nice to have options, right?

Point is, I leapt at the chance to get some music back in my life. Any place, no matter how magical, would eventually get boring without something to jam to.

That's that, then.

I made my way downstairs, but Cashmere was not where I had left her. I looked around, but the kitchen, dining room and living room were vacant of all forms of bipolar pony life. It was only when I was walking back out into the main hall that I noticed a small, out of the way door that was almost hidden beneath the stairs.

I knocked, heard no reply, and opened it to find a surprisingly spacious study. The walls were lined with enough books on enough variations of literature, science and magic for it to be labeled a small library. It had no windows to allow in light from the outside world, but it was equipped with dozens of softly glowing crystals that gave enough luminescence for that to be unnecessary. Cashmere was at a wide desk that was stacked high with many volumes of what appeared to be biology texts, two of which were open and in the process of being simultaneously consulted with what was either intense focus or enthusiasm, or some mixture of the two.

She had her back turned to the entrance and gave no indication that she'd heard me approach, so I called out, "I've made my choice. I'll take the first room on the right."

Cashmere answered without looking up or turning. "Alright, I'll have it ready for you in a bit. You're going to take a look around town now, right?"

"Yeah. I think I'll be back a little after lunch."

She waved a hoof to shoo me off. "No need to rush. Spend the day looking around if you need to. The more familiar you are with the layout of everything, the better, right?”

“I guess so.” What I really guessed was that she just didn’t want to be disturbed. “What’s with all the sudden research?”

Cashmere turned to me with a grimace, as if ashamed for what she was about to say. “I'm used to having strange guests from far off lands in my house, but you're a first even for me. I find it hard to just accept that I've never so much as heard of your kind before today, neither from texts or my colleagues in any of Canterlot’s research divisions, and you suddenly show up for an indefinite stay with a species that you’re familiar enough with to know the language of? I've got questions that I want answered, but that's for later. You can go."

I turned to head out and meet the two ponies that had been waiting for me for the better part of fifteen minutes, but the moment I took my first step she halted me.

"Wait."

Cashmere trotted over from her books and stopped directly before me, peering up into my face with the first sign of acute interest that she'd shown since our initial meeting.

"Would you do me a favor and lean down a bit, opening your mouth as wide as possible?" she asked.

I laughed as my mind painted a dozen different images to accompany her request. "If this is about what I think it's about, I'll tell you right now that I don't swallow."

She gave me a deadpan stare. "Well, at least I can conclude that you are in fact male. Now, if you'd be so kind..."

I did as she asked, and she closely inspected the inside of my mouth. She even went so far as to use a hoof, which was solid but also surprisingly pliable, to pull my lips apart to reveal more of my teeth and gums for observation.

After several seconds, she grunted in acceptance to let me know that she was done, and I stood upright.

"Omnivore," she said. "That solves one problem, at least. You'll be a lot less awkward to cook for than a griffin."

"You know, you could have just asked me."

She surprised me with a grin. "But you learn so much more through action and observation. Just by obeying without question, you told me that you have some form of natural curiosity. By taking the room with the music over the others, you showed me that you prefer mental imagery and meditation to silence, or plain distraction. By making that crude joke just now, you told me that you, for want of not offending any uninvolved species, are a bottom."

I snickered. "Got me there."

Cashmere returned to the desk, calling over her shoulder along the way, "Enjoy your day, Joseph. Also, be sure to return with steady nerves. Trust me on that."

I nodded and walked from the room.

I wonder what she meant by that? I asked myself as I neared the front door.

Man, if only I’d known...

End of Chapter 6

Another week, another chapter. I'd like to give a shout-out to Jorofrarie, for constructive criticism with this and every chapter so far besides the first. Story's progressing as steadily as planned, and will ramp up very soon. Cashmere's OC, which means I get to go all out on her personality and back-story. :D

Yeah, she drinks a lot. Yeah, she's slightly bipolar. Yeah, she can get REALLY grumpy, and will often use violence to have her way. Yeah, you'll learn to love her. :3

ONWARDS, WITH GREAT STRENGTH. Next chapter will be the longest yet. After that, though, I might have to slow down updates a bit, because exams are coming up, and I'm not sure if I'll have the time to plan and write out a story that's as vivid and believable as I've been trying to maintain till now with that drain on my attention.

I'll see if I can pre-write a chapter or two by next week, and that'll give me the time to split between pointless tests (srsly, I'm not even going to use the certificates for passing them because Psychology only requires a prerequisite course that you GET WHEN YOU APPLY TO DO IT) and my precious writing (PONIEEEEEEEEES).

Till next week, everyone.

Chapter 7

ADT Chapter 7

"So?"

"So what?"

"So how was she?" Twilight elaborated.

"Huh?"

"She certainly didn't seem like a pony that exactly lived up to her position at first glace—or second—but her act was quick to change when she got word of the Princess. I want to know if you think she'll be nice company for living with while you're here, since I don't really know much about her and want to get a second impression."

"She's... Interesting," I said hesitantly, "that's for sure. She is pretty smart, and was more than eager to begin researching the strange new creature, so Celestia seems to have a good enough grasp of her personality."

Twilight stopped in the road and gave me a hard stare, causing me to realize and hastily correct my folly, "Ah, sorry. I meant to say Princess Celestia"

Acquiesced, she resumed walking.

When I'd emerged from Cashmere's house, Twilight had still been seated and patiently awaiting my return. Pinkie, on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen. For whatever reason, Twilight had been either unable or unwilling to tell me where she'd gone, only responding to my question with a shrug. I'd let the matter drop, knowing that I'd find out sooner or later, but I already had a sneaking suspicion.

As of that moment, we were approaching the Town Hall to meet with the Mayor. Oh, and about that...

"You can't be serious," I said as the town’s tallest structure came into full view.

Twilight nodded firmly. "That's her name. I admit, it is unconventional, but I suppose a name is as much a precursor to one's fate as a cutie mark is a resolution."

"That's a fine and dandy philosophy to have, but Mayor Mare? Seriously? Were her parents Socialist Stallion and Prime Minister Pony?"

She giggled at that. "I don't know what her parents' names are, but you might not be too far off."

The town's ponies were becoming less and less of an annoyance by the minute. While I'd been initially tailed by those looking for some hot gossip, I was hardly seeing any repeat faces. Some would see me for the first time, quirk their heads or display some level of shock, then move on with their days, scratching their manes as they did so. More, however, would round a corner as if looking for something, spot me, eye me up and down from a distance (And sometimes a damn sight nearer than that), then run off to tell their friends or family about the bipedal creature that was walking alongside the town librarian. Said friends and family would come to confirm the tale, and the cycle would repeat.

Throughout all the hubbub, not one soul had even tried communicating with me, though the fact that I could speak their language was no secret, as I conversed off and on with Twilight the entire time. It was obvious that It’d take some time before I was recognized as a relatively normal member of the society. There was nothing to worry about though. If a dragon could do it, so could I.

We spotted the tan Earth pony on her porch, and she saw us at much the same time. Her lack of reaction or surprise indicated that she'd been expecting the visit, and me as well.

"Good morning, Miss Mayor Mare!" I cheerfully greeted her. She smiled in return, oblivious to the jibe at her originally unoriginal name.

"Good morning, Mister..." she trailed off questioningly.

"Joseph," Twilight supplemented.

"Joseph," the mare completed her courtesy. "I'm glad to finally be able to lay eyes on the creature I've been constantly hearing about for the last few hours. If I'm not mistaken, you're called a 'human', correct?"

"Yup."

"I must beg your pardon, but I've neither seen nor heard of one of your kind prior to today. Miss Sparkle's assistant forwarded a letter from the Princess to me not long ago, which informed me of her plans for you to reside in my town for an indefinite period of time. I must say that while I am shocked at the abruptness of it all, I am intrigued at the prospect of a non-pony becoming a part of our little community. You can look forward to a pleasant time here."

"I already do," I said with a sly smile.

First we get the runes. Then, the WORLD! MUHAHAHAHAHA

I was thinking more along the lines of just sodomizing everything that moves, but that also works.

"I take it you're in the middle of your introduction to the town?" the Mayor asked.

"I'm seeing to that myself," Twilight proudly answered. "After this, we're heading over to the Apple Family's farm."

"I'll leave it to you then, Miss Sparkle. Good day, Joseph. Now if you two will excuse me, I have my own duties to return to."

I waved farewell as the two of us walked off once again. The visit itself had only lasted a few minutes, but there really wasn't much else to be said or done. Even so, having the Mayor formally recognize me as a citizen of Ponyville just made everything seem more permanent, somehow.

Sweet Apple Acres was closer to the Mayor's house than it was to Cashmere's. I'd traveled almost clear across town from the point of my arrival, and still had to march for a solid ten minutes before the first of the farm's structures became visible.

During this time, Twilight sought to question my reasons for coming to Equestria to begin with, as the letter had not made any specific mention of that,

"I'm here to learn about your culture," I answered with at least partial truthfulness. "I got tired of being cooped up at home and made the decision to get a new lease on life. What better way than by traveling to new places and making new friends?"

"Agreed! I can already tell you and the girls will get along just fine."

"The girls?"

"Oh, right. You've only met Pinkie so far. Let’s see; There's also Rainbow Dash, the young and often harebrained captain of Ponyville's weather team. Fluttershy, the animal caretaker that lives on the edge of town closest to the Everfree Forest, just a bit North of the farm. Rarity, our own local fashion designer. She happens to be extremely talented, if you’re ever in need of some stylish new clothes. Then there's Applejack, who we're on our way to meet now. She's a hardworking and dedicated farm pony whose family provides all of Ponyville with the best apples in Equestria year round. We’ve been the best of friends for about two years now, and they'll all be happy to make your acquaintance."

The path to Sweet Apple Acres was plain dirt, but it was just as neatly kept as any of the roads back in town. The surface was worn smooth from constant usage, and the grass at the sides was always low. After some time, plain grass gave way to a single stretch of white fencing that led straight up to a recognizable red barn in the distance. A sign hung from the entrance-way, welcoming all visitors to the family farm. Even from where we were, apple trees began to show up. One moment there were none, the next, they were lined up in orderly rows of a dozen or more. It was impossible to look between any space between the trees without my view being obstructed by yet another at some point. This went on for a distance that was impossible to gauge from my position on the ground, but I felt dwarfed by the hidden scale of them all. It was more of a small forest than an orchard.

We arrived at the entrance to find... Nobody. Neither pony nor dog was there to greet us.

Twilight walked in uninvited, and I followed close behind. She led me to the farm house, where we found a gently snoring elderly green Earth pony having a late morning nap in her rocking chair. She did not stir at the sound of our approach.

I pouted. "Huh. I expected to have someone ready to greet us or something. I swear it's like only the Mayor and you knew I was coming."

"That would be the case. I didn't exactly have the time to pass on the message to anypony else. That's why I'm going to stick with you for your entire first day here, so that you'll be seen as a friend of a friend to the townsfolk."

"Makes sense, but Applejack and her family live some distance from the town. I still think it would come as a small shoc-"

"Cutie Mark Crusader Monster Capturers, ATTACK!"

I was promptly reintroduced to the world of pain I was becoming more familiar with by the passing hour when three separate and solid bodies impacted me from behind, sending me rolling head first into the front door with a resounding crash.

I lay groaning on the floor in agony as three distinct and childish voices whooped in victory, and one more mature voice gasped in horror.

Well if anyone's getting a shock, it looks like it'd be you.

"Oh my goodness! Joseph, are you okay?"

I didn't have the mental capacity to push myself off the floorboards at the time, so I just gave a shaky thumbs up and hoped she'd understand the meaning.

"Girls!" Twilight exclaimed, immediately hushing the cheers. "What is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"Don't get your tail in a bunch," said a nonchalant Scootaloo. "We saw this thing holding you hostage and using you to gain entrance to the farm, so I staged an assault, buying you time to escape while it's down."

Scootaloo's the first to die. I do it wearing a chicken suit.

"Holding me hostage? Where did you you even get an idea like that?"

"Well, ah..." the young pegasus' previously infallible logic hit a snag. "Because... It's really... Tall and weird looking? Look, whatever. We don’t have time for this. Run while you still have a chance!"

Twilight sighed with patience I could only dream of having. "It- I mean- He isn't a monster. His name is Joseph, he's a friend of mine, and he'll be staying in Ponyville for a while. I was in the middle of showing him around when you three decided to use him for a landing pad."

There was a high pitched gasp, which I recognized as belonging to Sweetie Belle. "Wait, you mean we just hurt an innocent not-pony thing?"

'Innocent' is a subjective term, but I'll take what I can get.

"Oh no! Mister, I'm so sorry. I didn't know! I honest to goodness thought you were a bad guy and that Twilight was a damsel in distress. It's also Scootaloo's fault."

"My fault?!" the filly indignantly exclaimed.

"Well ya'll were the one that gave us the idea to begin with," said Applebloon in her unmistakeable Southern drawl.

Sweetie was quick to follow up, "Yeah, Scootaloo. You know how impressionable our developing minds are. Stop coming up with these delinquent schemes."

"Delinq-" the your pegasus sputtered. "Use some bigger words, why don't you? Yah dumb dictionary!"

"For the last time, just because I like to make use of my expanding vocabulary, doesn't mean I'm a dictionary."

"There you go again! Is it so hard for you to talk like a normal-"

"Girls!"

The three bickering children fell silent and stared at Twilight, who was giving them all a look stern enough to put any grade school teacher to shame.

"Could you three please calm down? You're going to wake up poor Granny Smith." She pointed a hoof towards the mare who was still soundly snoring in her rocking chair not ten feet away.

"No we won't," objected Applebloom. "Gran Gran's slept through way worse than-" She cut herself off as Twilight's glare intensified.

"Just stop arguing about who said what and apologize to Joseph, please." She may have added the courtesy, but it was still a clear order.

The Crusaders grudgingly complied.

"We're sorry," they droned in unison.

"It's not okay," I grunted as I finally managed to roll over onto my throbbing back and sit up, "but I forgive you, if only because I need to make a good impression on the locals, and eating you all alive wouldn't help that." I flashed them the toothiest smile I could manage, making sure the points of my incisors were plainly visible.

Getting to see their pupils dilate and their coats pale in fear—even Sweetie Belle's, somehow—before they scampered off in separate directions was absolutely worth it. Even so, having Twilight's ire switch over to me in their absence made me regret it all the same.

"That wasn't funny, you know," she muttered.

"But it does make us even," I weakly countered, chuckling as I attempting to get back on my feet. "So when do I meet Applejack?"

"She's either inside or on the farm. The house is right here, so it couldn't hurt to check."

I straightened up, stretched my back, and knocked on the door. Thankfully, we weren't treated to another wait like back at Cashmere's place, and it took only a few seconds for someone inside to respond.

"Come on in ya'll, it's open!"

Applejack's country accent was even more pronounced than that of her sister, and all the more endearing. I couldn't help but smile upon hearing it. Somehow the novelty of meeting a member of the Mane Six just didn't seem to wear off.

I reached for the doorknob to make my entrance-

What the what?!

But- but- but-

"Twilight?"

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"It's just..."

I didn't know what to say. I just continued to stare at the doorknob—a physical impossibility in a world made by ponies and for ponies, who I feel I should mention had NO GODDAMN FINGERS.

After several seconds of confused silence, I made a request in the hopes of preserving what remained of my view of universal order, "Twilight, could you open the door for me please, without using magic? I need to see something."

"Ooooh-kay?" she said unsurely. Stepping forward, she lifted a hoof to the smooth and rounded mechanism and [REDACTED]

"So that's how they work!" I exclaimed with a snap of my fingers as the door swung open before us. "I can't believe I didn't think of that."

"What do you mean?" asked Twilight. "You've never used a doorknob before?"

"Of course I have. I just didn't see how a creature without fingers could be capable of using them as well. Thanks for showing me."

She giggled at my silly reason for confusion. "Any time. Let's head in, shall we?"

The interior of the Apple Family household was as cosy as could be expected. The furniture all had an old-timey vibe, and the walls were absolutely covered with photos of countless generations of the family line. It all looked like something you'd expect to see at a grandparent's house, but everything was in pristine condition, and clean to the point where I could actually make out my reflection on the wood of a table almost as clearly as I could on the mirror that sat on it. It was all very impressive. I knew for a fact that the Apples were usually busy with either business or family affairs, which made the effort they put into simply keeping their environs presentable that much more admirable.

"Applejack?" Twilight called out as I pulled the door shut behind us.

"I'm in the kitchen, Twi," called Applejack from what I'm going to guess was the kitchen.

We walked across the well furnished living room and towards the room she had called from. We found her with her back turned, busy focusing on crushing what were clearly apples in a large wooden tub, tail swishing as she did so. She gave no indication that she'd heard us approach, and I couldn't blame her, considering the racket she was making as she pulped the fruit.

Spotting an opportunity for some innocent fun, I held up a hand to silence Twilight from announcing our arrival. She gave me a questioning look, but I put a finger to my lips and told her to shush. Before she could protest, I rushed into the room with the lightest steps I could manage, positioning myself directly behind the oblivious Applejack. Too late, Twilight picked up on my intentions, but I didn't give her a chance to call out.

A tap on the shoulder was all it took to get AJ's attention. She paused her rhythmic steps and turned around with a smile, ready to greet her friend.

"Oh, heh. Sorry bout that Twi. Didn't even hear when you-" she fell silent as she found herself staring directly into my alien face, which I was doing my best to contort into a startling visage, just for the fun of it.

"Boo."

***

"You brought that one on yourself," said Twilight without a hint of pity for my sorry state.

"Oh be quiet," I muttered. "It's not my fault that little miss trigger-hooves here likes to buck first and take a joke later."

"Well excuse me for gettin' startled," said an unapologetic Applejack. "What did you expect me to do, on account of you plum sneakin' up on me like that? Ah say you should take this as a lesson learned."

"The only thing I'm learning is that you ponies have a thing for abusing me. First my feet, then my tongue, then my back and head, now my chest. Spare me the waiting and finish me off, why don't you?"

"What happened to your feet?" asked Twilight, who had witnessed all but the earliest of my torment.

I winced at the memory, "Long story. All you need to know is that you should never trust Princess Luna when it comes to transportation magic."

The Earth pony scoffed. "Well however bad a time you've been havin', don't feel too sorry fer yerself now. Ah didn't hit ya'll nothin' too fierce. Now quit yer whinin' and get up and properly introduce yerself. Ah believe in making a good first impression when meeting new ponies—or otherwise—and I'm willin’ to give you a second shot at that."

Grumbling under my breath, I got up, rubbing the section of my ribs that had been clipped by Applejack's shotgun hooves minutes before when she overreacted to my failed prank.

Introductions were made yet again, and once she'd finished pulping the fruit and storing it in a cooler concealed beneath the floorboards, she was even kind enough to offer me a look at the goings on at the farm. One Big Mac was met, who had been forewarned of the approach of the terrible pony eating troll (or something along those lines) by one or more terrified Crusader. Thankfully, he proved to be as level-headed as expected, and accompanied the three of us as we made our way around the premises. He didn’t say much beyond a "Pleased to meet ya" in greeting, but he was pleasant company nonetheless.

By the time I'd gotten to see the general layout of the farm, the sun was just passing its high point, as was signaled by four sets of grumbling stomachs and a shared laugh between us. As planned, we headed back to town for lunch at Sugarcube Corner, leaving Applejack to finish the meal we'd interrupted her from making.

After over twelve hours spent in a living, breathing Equestria, I'd begun to get a sense of familiarity with the sights. That's probably why the return trip felt twice as long as the first, as there was no sense of wonderment to distract me from my hunger, which was evolving from an itch into an incessant demand for food with each passing minute. Thankfully, it wasn't long before we were in the middle of town and walking into a building that looked like it was made of gingerbread and chocolate. By that point, I was almost tempted to find out if the decorations went beyond just a theme.

The bell chimed overhead as we opened the door. The store was mostly vacant, save for a few ponies enjoying cakes and pastries at their respective tables. All of them paused when I entered the room, gave me a glance of recognition, then promptly resumed eating with disinterest. By then, not a pony in town hadn't seen or heard of my arrival. I was just another citizen by that point, and that was both a relief and a slight disappointment, because there hadn’t been much drama involved.

Not bothered by that at the time though, I breezed past Twilight and straight up to the service counter. There was nobody there to take my order, so I pressed the buzzer that lay on the glass and patiently waited to be noticed.

Just kidding.

I tapped that little fucker like a teen that just discovered the true purpose of the internet.

It took only a few seconds to get an annoyed response from the kitchen. "Alright! Alright! I heard you the first dozen times! Keep your mane on!"

I couldn't immediately place who the voice belonged to, but it was female, and certainly not Pinkie's annoyingly cheery pitch.

By the while, Twilight had caught up, and she was giving me a hard glare which I refused to acknowledge. Instead I focused my attention on the numerous brightly colored cakes, cupcakes, donuts, tarts and other assorted pastries that lay in the glass case I was forced to wait in front of. If the act of taunting could be captured in a baked treat, I swear to you that the Cakes have mastered it. It was only by some superhuman feat of self-control that I managed to resist jumping over the counter and devouring their smugly sweet and sticky beings where they sat. Thankfully, before my will could snap, a blue Earth pony with a pink lump of a hairdo emerged from the side room, balancing a tray of piping hot cookies on her hindquarters.

"Sorry bout the wait, but I couldn't leave these unattended when they were so close to finish-" she froze in her tracks, causing the metal to slide off the protective cloth and onto her bare back, which led to a yelp of pain, a shocked leap, a panicked dance and some juggling to catch it all before the ground got a treat of its own, and a breathless sigh of relief, "-ing."

I laughed and clapped for her efforts. "Well that's certainly the most entertaining reaction I've gotten all day."

"Oh, really?" Mrs Cake smirked as she deposited the saved cookies into a vacant space in the display. "Glad to know I won that particular competition."

Even Twilight was having a poorly stifled laugh at the mare's expense. "I'm sorry Mrs Cake, but—heh—that was pretty funny."

She smiled in good humor. "Oh shush, you two. How can I help you today, Twilight and... Joseph, was it?"

I gave a thumbs up. "Nailed it. Did you study for the test or just get a lucky guess?"

"I confess," she said, playing along, "the Mayor gave out the answer to everypony in town about an hour ago."

"Word here sure travels fast," I remarked.

"Well it is a small community," Twilight put in. "Every pony knows at least four more."

"And I'm sure Pinkie helped that along somewhat," continued Mrs Cake, "giving out in-"

"-fections!"

The two of us stared at Twilight, who had either gone insane, or made a joke in poor taste.

She held a hoof up to her mouth and blushed magenta. "Sorry, I meant to say... Inoculations! Mrs Cake, you know how she's always up for helping at the hospital. No need to go boasting about her good deeds though. She always likes to keep these things under wraps, right?"

Twilight is good at a great many things, but she sucks at being discreet. If her sudden and poor substitution for the word 'invitations' wasn't proof enough, the shaky wink she gave Mrs Cake—on the side facing me, mind you—was the clincher; Pinkie Pie had run off because she was busy giving out invitations to my mandatory 'Welcome To Town Mister Guy I've Never Seen Before' party.

I can be a sport though, no matter how cynical I may seem at times, so I said nothing, only smiling and nodding along with Mrs Cake as though I bought the bullshit.

"It's nice to hear that my soon to be friends are generous people," I said, "but I'm friggin starving here, so if you don't mind..."

The baker's eyes widened as if she suddenly remembered her post. "Oh, of course! Silly me. What would you like, dears?"

"I'll have a daffodil sandwich, please," said Twilight.

Silly Twilight, eating simple.

"I'll have two of those strawberry tarts, one of those powdered donuts, a slice of that red velvet cake, about three slices of that apple pie... And a glass of water, to make up for the calorie intake."

They stared at me.

"Uh, not that I don't enjoy a customer with a big appetite and all," Mrs Cake said slowly, "but... Wouldn't you rather have something less... Sugary, for your lunch?"

"No."

"How about some hay fries?" Twilight offered.

"Can't eat hay."

"Maybe another daffodil-"

"Neither flowers."

"Well there has to be something at least partially healthy that you could eat."

I could tell that they were not going to let me have my way. It wasn’t that I had not other options—I just hated to see so many delectable snacks sit there while I had something bland sate my hunger. So I compromised.

"Alright, fine. I can eat fruits and veggies too," I said, "but I still want a slice of that apple pie!"

Mrs Cake smiled at my insistence on having her baked goods, "Now that I agree to. Take any seat you like. Just give me a few minutes and I'll be right with you."

She turned and re-entered the kitchen, while my purple meal ticket and I seated ourselves at the nearest table.

"Just to check, who's paying here?" I inquired.

"Well, I wouldn't expect you to use your money on a trip that I planned, so I'll cover everything," she clarified, before hastily adding, "But don't take that as an excuse to go crazy."

I grinned innocently.

She's picking up fast.

Hold on, where indeed am I supposed to get my funds? I've got nothing to my name but my charm and the clothes on my back, and neither phone nor watch to pawn.

You could always sell yourself into slavery.

Ew. There's only one kind of slavery I'm interested in, and even if I had to sell myself, it would only be to the highest paying and kinkiest of customers.

Even if they're-

YOUNG, FEMALE customers, thank you very much. In any case, I don't want to mooch off of Twi forever.

Are you planning on getting a job?

... Prostitution it is.

"So where to after this?" I asked.

"I was actually going to let you decide. The best way to learn about a place is through first hand experience, and you'd better remember how to navigate the town if you explored it yourself. I'll still be with you, of course, but you'll be doing the leading. If you need to know anything, just ask."

"Sounds good."

In all truth, I didn't know much about the town's layout, so the exercise would help. That said, I did have a few places in mind that I wanted to check out, the Carousel Boutique being among those. I needed to commission a couple sets of pants, underwear and jerseys, and fast. The longer I could avoid the awkwardness of bathing, only to re-don the same used clothing afterwards, the better.

Before I could become impatient once more, Mrs Cake arrived at our table with a plain sandwich for Twilight, a bowl of chopped cucumbers and mixed berries for me, and even a generous serving of apple pie on the side. All in all, it was a sweet meal. Not quite what I'd initially hoped for, but by all means enjoyable.

Twilight picked up the tab and we were on our way.

After some wandering around, I found the Boutique along one edge of the town. Much to my dismay, however, it was closed. Sweetie was likely still playing at the farm, and Rarity was nowhere to be found.

"That's strange," said Twilight, "Rarity's usually open for business at this hour."

"Out of curiosity, what day is it?"

She gave me a strange look. "Saturday, why?"

"Ponies work on weekends?"

"Not all of them, but it's by no means unusual. Are humans any different?"

"We generally treat them like weekly holidays, only sacrificing them for work when times are really dire, or if we need the money. But even if she's normally open on a Saturday, what's so different about now?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe- Oh! I just remembered, she's busy with, um, out of town stuff, and she won't be back till around six this afternoon."

This again...

Be glad. They're probably all doing something for you, and this is before you've even had the pleasure of getting to know them.

I guess that's true. If they're going through all this trouble for me though, let's check up on them, shall we?

You'd ruin your own surprise party for the fun of it?

Shush. Don't question my reasoning.

"Alright then. If that's a bust, let's check out that giant tree I spotted on the way here."

"You mean the town library? I don't see why you'd want to- Hey!"

I'd rushed off, not giving her a chance to come up with an excuse to delay my arrival. She did give chase, and she did indeed turn out to be faster than me at first, but my head start proved enough to keep her just within shouting range till her indoorsy physique kicked in.

"Joseph! Wait up!" she called, panting from the unnatural exertion.

I quickened my steps, managing to outpace her even further. The library came into view ahead as she lagged behind, and my goal was in sight.

Flash!

A flustered Twilight appeared directly in front of my in a shower of sparkles.

"Would you stop running for a moment and-"

I ducked around her, doing my best to close the gap between me and the entrance.

Flash!

"Joseph, please slow-"

I leapt right over her his time, not breaking my stride as I sprinted the last few meters and shoved in the door to find-

An unoccupied, party supply-free library. The place was absolutely clean, if but for an odd pile of books beside a set of empty shelves in one corner.

"Well that was a waste of effort," I muttered.

What made you assume it was being held here to begin with?

Then... Where are they having the party?

I heard Twilight unsteadily trot in behind me and shut the door, "What...” pant “Were you in such a rush for?"

Bullshitting powers, ACTIVATE

"Because I just remembered that I needed to do research on something!"

"And it was so urgent that you needed to get here as soon as possible?" she asked incredulously.

"What can I say? I'm stick to my priorities."

She looked like she wasn't sure if to take me seriously, but accepted my answer without protest. "Well, all right then, I guess. If it's really something important, I'll perform my duties as the town librarian and help you find what you need. Just tell me what you're looking for and you'll have it in no time."

"You're the librarian for this place?"

"I also live here. It guess that gives new meaning to the phrase 'Taking your work home with you', right?" she laughed.

"But if you're out in town with me, then who's running the place while you're gone?" I asked.

"That would be me," came a muffled response from beneath the collapsed books.

Twilight walked over to them and effortlessly lifted the whole lot off the floor with her magic, revealing a disheveled Spike beneath.

He laughed nervously, "He- Hey Twilight. What's up?"

She frowned as she began sending the books back to their respective positions one by one. "Spike, why is my entire collection of Draconian philosophy on the floor?"

"Because they fell off the shelf when I bumped into it and I couldn't get them off?" he explained while stretching out kinks formed after however long he'd spent under the load.

"Of course you couldn't," I said with a smirk. "That stuff sounds real heavy."

The two of them gave me looks that spoke volumes as to just how funny they'd found my pun.

"Well fine, be that way," I pouted.

Spike held up a claw in salutation, "Hey Jo. Nice finally see you in person. How's the town treating ya?"

"Better than I'd expected, actually," I answered honestly. "Everyone's so friendly. It's a nice change of pace from back home."

"Where are you from anyway?" he asked.

"The lands of the West," I proclaimed. "Equestrians don't know much about them, so it won't make much sense to say more than that."

"Then how come you can speak our-"

"THAT MEANS NO QUESTIONS."

He dropped it. Twilight laughed at the exchange. She’d already learned over the course of our time together that I would not converse about my place of origin.

With that said though, she reminded me of my ratched excuse, "So, what is it you were looking for?"

Shit! What am I supposed to say? I got nothing!

Wait, remember where we are. We have access to the personal collection of Twilight Sparkle, along with whatever generic texts she'll have archived. I'm sure she's got more than a few spell books to share with us, which we can go through without Cashmere's or the Princess' knowledge.

It was true enough, considering that I only had basic definitions at my disposal for the time being, so I went for it, "I need to find a particular spell, but I'm not sure how to explain it. Have any grimoires?"

She headed towards the next shelf over, asking a follow-up question on the way, "Related to what branch of Magic?"

Quick, give me something!

I don't know, freaking levitation?

"It has to do with the manipulation of objects," I replied as confidently as I could manage.

"Strange subject to suddenly need to look up, but alright." One of the dozens of thick books was surrounded by a purple glow and flew off the shelf, coming to a halt directly before me. "Here you go."

I gratefully accepted it, and the suspending magic dispersed the moment my hand got a firm grip on the cover. I silently read the title; “Psychokinesis to Transmogrification; An in-depth look into the intricacies of Matter Manipulation."

This seems like as good a place as any to start.

"Is that close enough to what you're looking for?" she asked.

I just went with it. "Yeah, this looks good."

"Well, I hope you find that spell then," said Twilight. "I've never seen any normal non-pony creature perform magic before. Mind if I watch and take some notes?"

"Study me, you mean?" I rephrased her request more honestly.

"That about sums it up," remarked Spike, who had been just sitting on the floor and observing. His single act of participation earned him a magically flung cushion to the head from Twilight which exploded upon impact.

"It's fine by me," I said, laughing as the dragon spat out a mouthful of stuffing.

The unicorn scholar clapped her hooves excitedly and retrieved the quill and a fresh sheet of paper from her bag before settling down, eager to see my magic in action.

Alright, let's see if we can put on a show for her.

Start with getting the hang of basic telekinesis. You won't need the book for that, since it's part of what Discord left us with, but you'll need the right mindset if you want to try anything more advanced afterwards. After that, all I need are the defined symbols, a bit of context, and we're good to go.

I flipped through the first few pages, finding the inevitable starter's guide to moving an object with one's mind. The lesson itself seemed simple enough, asking the practitioner to focus on the object of their choice, envision their intended movement, and most importantly, to want it to happen. It was pretty much a variation of the mental manipulation spell I'd tried when I first arrived, so it didn't take me long to skim through it all. One interesting thing I did note, however, was that any magic performed had a cost, be it wear on the caster's mind, or outright physical fatigue relative to the amount of energy required to perform the intended spell. It all came down to what they wanted to do, and in my case, the cost would be a minimal mental stress.

Having adequately prepared myself, I asked Twilight for a small and light object, which she readily provided in the form of a small plastic bookend of a transparent cube.

I cracked my fingers. "Alright, just going to get warmed up a bit here."

"By all means, proceed at whatever pace you see fit," said Twilight.

I didn't bother trying to close my eyes or relax this time, instead going straight for the heart of the task. After sitting in the most comfortable position I could hold, with my legs crossed and my back leaned forward, I held both my arms straight out towards the cube on the floor so that my open palms were facing it from a distance of no more than three feet. Next, I felt for the ever present but subdued movement of my aura, pushing it outwards and past the object.

You don't need to extend it as a sphere in this case. Keep it focused on the bookend, and extend it only in that direction. Everywhere else can remain relaxed.

I did my best to comply, releasing the tension along my back and feeling the energy return to me. The only part of my aura that stayed pushed outwards was the part that enveloped my arms, and subsequently the cube before them. As my attention shifted from the area around me to just that small space, the energy condensed, to the point where I began to see a light orange glow manifest around the bookend.

So that's what mine looks like...

Encouraged by my success, I was able to hold that extension of myself in place, and even lower my arms to my sides without breaking the link. I was left with a miniature sphere of my mental energy shining softly on the floor between the three of us. It remained attached to me only by a thin stream of conscious will, and would have dissipated if I desired. All that remained was for me to do was to direct that energy.

Alright, I'm ready. Hit me up.

Here's the rune for lift.

The image of a black symbol that resembled ancient glyphs as much as anything you've likely seen was imprinted on my mind. One thing I noticed was that it had a clear hook at the very top, with a single short line through the middle that would have made it resemble an arrow pointing upwards if the flat bottom and intersecting lines within it were ignored. I didn't exactly have time to wonder what each curve or stroke meant though, and just poured my energy into it with every intention for the trinket to rise off the floor.

It trembled, then rattled, then shook unsteadily, but I was sure never to doubt my effort, and it slowly but surely began to rise. Within five seconds of having begun to directly focus on the rune, I had a half pound piece of plastic levitating in the air before me, and it felt fucking fantastic.

Spike yawned, "When're you going to do the exciting stuff?"

God damnit, quick! Give me a rune for setting whelps on fire!

"Spike, levitation may be near entry level magic, but it is by no means simple or easy," chided Twilight as she recorded my results onto the paper. She would be able to sympathize with me, considering the effort she had put into her own magic as a filly.

Despite the truth of her words, I still wanted to test my limits. Lifting the bookend using magic had taken a minute or two to get the hang of, but it was far from being outright difficult. I wanted to go for something more noticeable.

Give me something else to try out here.

Would you rather send it forward, or back? Oh, maybe diagonally? Look, I only know so much. If you want to be fancy, go through the book some more so that I can pick up on some extra runes, unless you'd rather I give you some random ones and hope they don't set you on fire when charged.

I took the advice, skipping past lessons on basic movement to find an interesting challenge. As I flipped page after page, the bookend remained suspended at around the height of my head, wobbling slightly, but otherwise stable. Soon I stumbled upon one spell in particular that caught my attention.

"Defragmentation?" I read aloud.

Twilight looked up from her notes in surprise, "That's the spell you needed? It's quite a jump from something like levitation, and not one you'd use very often. Why the sudden need to practice it?"

"I don't so much want to practice it as I do learn it."

"You mean this would be your first attempt? What's the most advanced spell you've tried before this?"

I sheepishly pointed to the spell that remained operating between us, and her jaw dropped.

"You're telling me that the most you can do is some crude telekinesis, and you want to go straight for matter deconstruction?"

"I think I can figure it out. Can't be that hard."

Twilight stared at me, and Spike slapped his forehead like I'd just made an extremely stupid mistake.

"Dude," he hissed, "when Twilight tells you that something's complicated, you don't argue, especially when it comes to magic."

The unicorn who had spent practically her entire life learning the intricacies of energy manipulation would indeed have more practical knowledge than someone who'd been magic-free just the day before, but I had a lot of help to balance the scales that she was unaware of. That would explain her reaction to my dismissal of her words.

"Not... That hard?" Her eye twitched and both quill and parchment dropped to the floor, forgotten. "Do you have any idea the amount of runes you need to memorize just to properly infuse something with magic, let alone split it up into thousands upon thousands of almost microscopic particles that each require individual attention if you want them to function with any semblance of order? I know scores—SCORES—of spells, and I can't pull that off for more than a few seconds! Trust me when I tell you that, as an amateur, it's too complex and too dangerous."

"I won't know till I've tried," I stated with a confident smile. I didn't know if I would really be able to handle it, and that was what I wanted to find out.

She glared at me, teeth grit in irritation at my refusal to listen. Spike wisely backed off half a dozen feet or so, but I didn't have the luxury of moving, with my own focus on sustaining the damned levitation spell holding me in place. Just when I swore she was about to explode in a blast of indignant rage, she sighed and bowed her head in resignation.

"All right, go wild. But I'm not taking any chances with my library. If you're going to try it here, you'll do it from within a force field."

I shrugged. "Fine by me. I just think you're overreacting."

"I agree with the new guy," called Spike from across the room, "but I'm still gonna stay here, just to be safe!"

Twilight shot him a look, but said nothing. Seconds later she'd erected a thin bubble of magic around me to protect the surroundings from any potential fallout when I proved her right. Satisfied with the preparations, she sat back and gave me the go-ahead to begin. While she'd been busy setting up, I did a once-over of the runes involved in performing the defragmentation spell and the meanings of each one, which were thankfully listed in plain Equestrian English below the pictures. That single look was about the extent of my own preparation, and after that, all I could do was channel energy into them as they were streamed to me by my reliable pal Casper.

This is significantly more involving than what you've tried till now, but have no fear! I'll compile every single command into one unique command that will activate each in turn when powered.

You mean like a macro?

Heck yes. Just remember that controlling energy at this level of detail has its own cost. You shouldn't keep at it for any longer than a few minutes.

That's all I ever need, isn't it?

All belittling innuendos done with, I received the bold image of a rune that seemed like a literal combination of all I'd scanned off the page, strung one after another in a spiral pattern. In the very middle of it all, there was a single large character that resembled a broken Theta symbol. That was the focal point of everything, and that was what I poured my effort into, directing my attention to the bookend floating in the air inside the bubble.

I began to mentally recite the instructions gleaned from the book.

Envision the whole.

It filled my consciousness, and I became aware of every tiny scratch and pockmark on its previously smooth-seeming surface. I could feel every cubic inch of it as if it were a part of me, but at the same time I could tell that it remained separate. It was at this point that I closed my eyes, as visual information was proving to be a distraction from my intent.

Pull it apart, bit by bit.

In my mind's eye, I could feel the cube begin to break. It did not crack and fracture as plastic normally would, but rather the infinitesimally small particles that made it up were pushed apart by my energy, which had fully spread throughout it. This separation began at one corner and made its way over to the other, leaving a dusty and ethereal looking replica of the original in its place. Once the energy dispersed, I was left with what felt like a countless amount of tiny bubbles of awareness suspended in the air. I can't really explain what the truly felt like, except that it made my head itch.

Imagine having not just two hands, but four. Imagine if they each simultaneously grabbed ahold of a piece of sandpaper and rubbed their fingers across the surface gently, feeding you information on the rough texture. Got that? Now multiply it by a hundred, and then multiply that by a thousand, than compress all that sensory input into a space no taller or thicker than three inches cube, and you'll understand how I felt. Thankfully, they felt nothing but motionless air, as I was in an undisturbed space of my own. Had my focus wavered though, and they dropped to the floor, and I think I might have gone insane.

I heard a gasp, and cracked open my eyes.

She was staring at me again, but this time in awe. Spike's eyes were also wide, but with their own impressed gleam. I'd proved myself capable of something that Twilight herself had been unable to master over the course of however long she'd been trying, and that said a lot for my capabilities.

"Wow," said one.

"Whoa," said the other.

"Ow," said I, as the act of drawing breath to speak disturbed the delicate state of the atmosphere in the bubble, and the plastic dust in turn.

You don't need to hold it any longer. Your mind is only capable of handling so much at once. Just pull it all together again, like clay.

Closing my eyes again, I meshed that extension of my consciousness in on itself, allowing every fragment of energy to return to me, and leaving the bookend back in its complete, solid form once more, sans any blemishes that had been smoothed over during reconstruction. Satisfied with the effort, I released the mental strain, allowing it to gently float back to the library floor as the energy receded.

I looked at my audience, and they stared right back for a moment of pregnant silence.

Then the bubble popped, and I cheered.

"I did it! I freaking did it!" I happily exclaimed.

Twilight shook off her shock, then smiled and gave me a congratulatory clap which Spike was quick to mimic.

"You sure did, Joseph. I wish I could say how, but the fact remains that you proved me wrong."

Spike spoke up after that, "Man, do you have any idea how long it took Twilight to get that far? And you did it on like, your first try! There's no way you're new at this."

Twilight's clapping lost some of its enthusiasm at those words. "You know, I'm inclined to agree with Spike here." She gave me another questioning look.

I just grinned. "What can I say? I'm a natural."

True, I'd cheated in a sense, but it's not like it was a test or anything. The result usually justifies the method, right?

I picked up the now flawless cube and returned it to its place on the shelf, while Twilight sent the book back to its own. I'd gone to the library in the hopes of surprising those planning the party, failed at that, but learnt a slew of new runes to make up for it. All in all—a very fruitful way to spend the early afternoon. I still had other things to try though. There were so many books at my disposal there, and so much to learn.

I took a step towards the nearest set of grimoires to get a better look at the covers-

I was suddenly on the floor, my world fading into darkness...

***

"Holy crap!"

I shot up off the couch, clutching at my head as it throbbed in pain.

"What the hell happened just now?" I demanded.

To my right, I heard a shuffle of papers, and turned to see Twilight setting aside whatever scroll she'd been busy with till that moment.

"Oh, good, you're finally up," she said as she trotted over to me. "And just in time too. I was about to wake you myself."

"Wait, what?"

You passed out. As it turns out, using a macro spell to pull a lump sum of energy away to charge a sequence of runes wasn't the best idea, because I just guessed as to how much would be required according to the book's guidelines, and that turned out to be less than was needed for your particular instance. The spell just continued to pull pulses of that single large amount over and over till it was shut off, and that left you in shock afterwards.

"You overexerted yourself with that spell," said Twilight.

Why couldn't you just say it like that, Mister Dickens?

Oh shut up.

"Ugh..." I rubbed the dregs of sleep from my eyes. However long I'd been out, I didn't regret it. All signs of fatigue from the lack of sleep over the past day were gone, and all I had to show for my last escapade was a headache that was already beginning to fade.

"Well, I'll be more careful next time," I said as I got up and stretched myself into alertness.

"It's a shame you won't have a chance for that till tomorrow though," said Twilight.

"Why do you say that?" I asked. "It's still-" I glanced out a window, then did a double-take. The sun was already almost done setting, casting the bright and cheery town in a light so orange that it looked practically aflame.

"I slept through the afternoon?" I groaned in disappointment at the time lost.

"Don't look too down," giggled Twilight with barely concealed excitement. "There's always some other time. For now, I, um, need to close the library. In fact, I think I'll walk you home so that you don't get lost in the dark."

"I'm a grown man, I think I'll be fin- Hey, where'd Spike go?" I looked around for the usually ever present assistant. He only left Twilight's side when she needed something handled somewhere that she couldn't personally see to, and the number of things that came to mind at the time to explain his absence were exactly nil, as I was still slightly groggy.

"He stepped out for some dinner," she said as casually as she could while slinking over to the door. "You coming?"

"I guess so," I said, and followed her out into the streets of Ponyville.

Our walk back to Cashmere's manse was uneventful, with Twilight being uncharacteristically quiet, and only stealing glances back at me as if to make sure that I didn't wander off. As we neared the house though, and my mind began to clear, I noticed something odd.

"Where is everyone?" I asked, looking around at the nearly empty streets.

"They all called it in early?" she weakly suggested.

"Why's Cashmere's house the only one with the lights off?"

"Because there was a power outage?"

I scratched my chin in thought as we climbed the stairs, trying to piece together a realization that remained just out of focus. She rang the doorbell, and I heard a click as the door unlocked, but no moody pegasus came out to greet us. Instead Twilight opened it herself and walked in, with me trailing close behind.

She turned and shut the door, leaving me in complete darkness, after which I heard her giggle quietly and scamper off to the end of the corridor. Confused and distracted from my suspicion, I blindly followed the sound of her hoof-steps and found myself in an unlit living room with all the furniture pushed straight to the edges.

"Hello?" I called out nervously, as I could no longer detect Twilight.

There was no warning. In an instant, I was blinded as every single light in the room was switched on simultaneously, shooting me from murky gloom into painful brilliance without so much as a chance to brace myself. I shouted in pain and clawed at my eyes, but I was completely drowned out by the sound of well over a hundred voices screaming out at the same time;

"SURPRISE!!!"

I HATE YOU ALL AND OH GOD MY EYES!

End of Chapter 7

Are longer chapters a good thing or a bad thing? I can cover more details, and fillers (ie; Chapters with no real main plot advancement, but that focus on minor character development/fine details) in one go, meaning that instead of taking two weeks to get an image across, I can do it in one while also paving the path for a grand painting that truly showcases my capabilities. That said, they're a bitch to write. ;_;

It's up to you all though. If reading my work ever feels like a chore, tell me, and I'll do my best to crunch everything without losing any of whatever attracts you to it.

Anyway, next week mark the official start of my end-of-term examinations. Will they affect the pace at which I write chapters? Most definitely...

It's a good thing I have a couple backed up for this occasion. :3

Next chapter will be up at the same time next week. Till then, cheers!

Chapter 8

ADT Chapter 8

I was never too big on parties. Not. At. All.

Being your average awkward and introverted young adult, I always enjoyed the company of a glowing screen to people. Interaction with strangers has never been one of my strong points. Take that up a notch and stick me in a room full of people all hot and sweaty and excited and dancing, toss is a bit of alcohol to go around (Of which I would never partake), loud music and sugar, and you've effectively killed any chance of me enjoying an evening.

These weren't people though; They were ponies. Ponies are cool. That's why I was actually looking forward to my party, at first.

Yeah, there was all that dancing and up-beat music pumping from who-knows-where, but not an obnoxious soul to deal with, and no pressure to drink, or have a girl to flaunt. Heck, the only alcohol in the room was being hoarded by Cashmere, who it no doubt belonged to to begin with. Pinkie had stocked up on sugary snacks, sugary drinks, sugary cakes, and sugary sugar, and that had everyone who decided to so much as sniff the air in the room jittery and almost high off the rush, leaving them with almost no choice but to expel the tension through spontaneous dance.

That said, I still failed to get into the spirit of things beyond the first few minutes. The place was huge, and I mean huge. The living room alone was over fifty feet on the longer sides, and it was packed. So packed, in fact, that its occupants had begun to drift into other rooms to have their fun after the initial unsurprising “Surprise”. I'd said some "hello's", done some short and sweet introductions, been introduced again to Pinkie Pie by none other than herself, and even gotten a chance to find Rarity, who was more than happy to try her hoof at designing some clothes for me once I'd asked, and being the ever generous soul she is, had even promised to give me the first few sets free of charge as a welcoming gift.

Fluttershy was as much of a dear as could be expected. She’d been curious at first, since we hadn’t crossed paths at any point during the day, but she had obviously caught word of me from her friends. After the initial inspection, though, she gave me the usual “You’re going to love it here,” promise, and even tacked on some Fluttershy-exclusive Happiness Insurance by way of a squeak-smile.

Motherfucking squeak-smiles. If the sugar wasn’t potential diabeetus threat, those were.

Then along came Rainbow Freaking Dash. She'd been a unique individual to meet for the first time...

"So you're a what-now?" she asked, hovering in the air before me and stroking her chin with a cyan hoof as she eyed my frame up and down..

"Human," I answered.

She shrugged. "Never heard of ya. You've probably heard of me, though. Name's-"

"Rainbow Dash, the fastest flier in all Equestria," I finished in the raspiest voice I could force.

"I take it Twi's been going on and on about me all day, hasn't she?" the proud mare chuckled knowingly.

"No, but she did warn me to look out for your ego," I said with a smirk.

Her laughter was cut off by a shocked intake of breath. "Wha- Hey! My ego's not big; I just know a great thing when I am one." She said it with such conviction that I almost couldn't help but believe her words.

I smiled and shook my head. "Whatever you say, RD."

She glared at me. "Ah, to hay with it. I'm off to show some ponies a good time. Catch ya later!" With that, she was gone in a blur, once again leaving me to my own devices.

Problem is, I had nothing to do, seeing as:

I can't dance.

I can't sing.

I don't overindulge in sweet things past late afternoon.

I don't like crowds, no matter the composition.

This sad combination of traits had led to me being inevitably pushed to the edge of the party that was being thrown for me to begin with, where I became nothing but a background character. In fact, it was obvious that more than half the partygoers had only shown up for the free food and chance to mingle, since everywhere I looked from my self-appointed post at the punch bowl, ponies had their circles of friends and lovers that, unconsciously or not, they saw no reason to break away from. That left me with all the time in the world to spend with myself and the oh-so-joyous company of... Myself.

Don't be so negative. At least you've still got me.

It's too bad you're practically me. That makes the attempted consolation even more pathetic than it sounds.

Groaning at my own spiral into self pity, I forced myself back into the throng of ponies once more, only to somehow end up pushed to the drink table on the opposite end of the room by a combination of being bumped into and being bumped off by those in conversation with others—About me, no less!

I hate parties...

Then let's make this fun.

How the bollocks will I go about doing that?

Let's see; There are no less than a hundred ponies having their fun about the house right now. They've all got their friends and girlfriends and agendas to make impressions and whatnot.

What's that got to do with me?

Figure it out. You've got magic. You've got ponies. Put one and one together.

I looked around at the technicolor swarm of bodies that occupied the room around me as I grasped the potential of the situation, and a smile began to form on my face as an idea began to form in my mind.

I'd done some manipulation once before. It would be difficult to do anything in-depth with so much sources of distraction in the room, but then again, who said I had to go into detail?

Needing no prompt from my alter ego, I expanded my awareness to cover about half its potential distance, and about a quarter of the room's total area. The auras of every living thing that it encompassed were pressed against one another so closely as to become one almost incongruous tangle of whitish haze. That proved to be useful when it came to the task of gaining mental impressions from them, as almost every pony was clustered into their personal groups, and so their thoughts ran almost in sync. I merely needed to glimpse into the aura of one set to know that they were each trying to humor one another, while another bunch would show its members as simply enjoying the raucous atmosphere.

What I was looking for, though, were those that had significant amounts of emotional tension between the ponies that made up the whole—be it positive or negative energy, it didn't matter. I just needed it to be unresolved and unknown, and these kinds of cases were easy enough to find, being identified when the uncertain wavering of one pony's mind would be sending me images of another whose thoughts would be on another matter entirely; When one infatuated unicorn would be unable to express her feelings to her oblivious Earth stallion, who she'd invited for the sole purpose of seducing with charm and wit, but had been unable to muster enough of either to make an impression. The intent fueled by those desires would have nowhere to go, simply maintaining its faltering state till something triggered its release into an emotional or physical outlet.

If the choice for that outlet came from me, however, and was designed with a certain reaction in mind, the result would be akin to putting a drop of dye into a bottle of water; My injected idea would take root as one of their own and affect the entire behavior of the pony. My single experiment back at the castle had been enough to illuminate the inner machinations of the feeling mind to me, and making one pony fall for another would be as easy as:

One... Two...

***

Stupid Dawn Prancer. Why's he constantly eyeing that hag? There's no way he'd go for someone so... Distasteful. I'm better looking than any two-bit joyride he'd fine here. Why can't he see that?

"Dawn Prancer," I call above the thumping bass, flashing a smile as I do so, "how about we head over to the drink stand over there? I'm feeling a bit parched."

"I'm fine, Iris. You can go on ahead. I'll just be right... Here." He waves a hoof dismissively while not so much as turning away from that infernal filly.

Couldn't he at least have the decency to not stare? I know we're friends and all, but I'd like to think he at least showed some semblance of fondness or something! We've known each other for years, and he's never so much as winked at me, let alone ogle like he's doing for that harlot that he hasn't so much as spoken to yet.

Maybe I'm not so eye-catching? Is it that I'm just not attractive enough? Is it my personality? What's wrong with me?

It's not me, it's him; He's the problem. I'm above stressing so much over one so trivial.

Yes, that's it! Why should I care so much what he does? He's just one dumb stallion. An adorable hunk of one, but dumb nonetheless. If I went for someone else, he'd be sure to pay attention then. I'll make him so jealous that he'll go to his knees begging me to reconsider.

Why stop there? I'll have proven to both him and myself that I don't need his attention. He can have the hussy. I'll find a hotter stallion in no time. Heck, I see a pretty cute one over there right now.

I saunter over to a particularly fetching young unicorn in a tux. Prancer doesn't notice me go, but who needs him? The guy's sticking to the sidelines and looking around nervously almost like he's hoping he won't get noticed. He looks like a stallion who'd come for the sake of a date, but had either been stood up or just plain replaced at some point during the evening. Poor guy just needs a confidence boost.

He sees me heading his way, does a double-take, and his jaw drops when he realizes that I'm looking directly at him. I give a small but saucy smile, and I can practically feel the room heat up around him. He tugs at his collar nervously and tries to smile back, but his grin cracks and he's left trying to cover his awkwardness.

Still got it.

I stand right in front of him, making sure that all the attention he was putting on the dance floor a moment before is now on me. "Hey," I coo.

"H-hey," he stammers, trying to keep his eyes from my curvy flank. "What- uh, can I help you with anything?"

"I've had my eye on you for a while now," I say with as much sincerity as I can manage. "How's someone as adorable as you not have every filly in this place hanging off your neck?"

His eyes go wide, and he blushes red through his light brown coat. "A- A- Adorable? Y- You th- think that..." He trails off and swallows nervously. "Wow."

"What's your name, babe?" I ask.

"I- It's Napoleon."

"Fitting. A unicorn like you deserves a name that'll make mares swoon." I smile again, gently this time, and he relaxes. "Have a dance partner?"

A look of resentment flashes across his face, but is gone in an instant, and he looks to the floor dejectedly. "Had one, at least. I guess most girls prefer toned and headstrong to... Well, me."

I put a hoof under his chin and gingerly lift his gaze to meet mine. "You've got one now. Why don't we have some fun tonight?

I turn back towards the dance floor, and he's at my side in a flash, eager to prove his worth to me.

I like this one. I think I'll keep him.

We walk off together, pressed side by side.

***

Blech

I hadn't expected to get any level of emotional fulfillment. I'd been hoping to cause some sort of jealousy, or conflict—not lovey-dovey seduction for some nerd.

It's a start. That's one friendship that will never be the same after tonight, now that's she's let go of Dawn, and one very lucky stallion that didn't even have to introduce himself.

I suppose that's true. Let's try some more. This time, let's go for the ponies that are the object of attention, instead of the poor saps clamoring for it.

And so I found a way to pass the time. Fueled by energy from my nap a few hours before, I was more than able to sustain the minor use of magic that it took to place suggestions into individual minds.

I made two best friends both realize and confess their spontaneous undying love for one another... Right in front of their next best friend, who from that moment would have to live with the honorary title of 'third wheel.'

I caused one mare to believe that she was a filly fooler, leaving one happily confused partner to watch as she tried to express her newfound feelings to a surprised lone female pegasus, who was flattered but not interested in the proposal. Seeing as she was so unsure of how to respond, though, I convinced her to give it a try. I didn't get to see more though, as they'd left the party together after that, but I'm sure there would be one heck of a conversation to be had in the morning, once my impressions faded and they were able to think straight once again. At least the guy didn't seem to mind too much. He was practically cheering them on leading up to and after the kiss.

I made one aloof stallion take a liking to an attractive mare... Causing him to completely forget his date and official girlfriend, who was at a loss for words when he suddenly walked off and professed his true feelings to the complete stranger... Only to have yet another stallion with previous commitments show up, claiming that he had first set eyes on the now confused and abashed mare between them. Man, that must have been one hell of a situation for Napoleon to come back to, having gone for drinks and returned only to find his girl in the arms of two bigger, stronger males. I'll give him credit though; He sure didn't hesitate before tackling them both to the ground.

I chuckled with mad glee at the various scenarios unfolding in the tumultuous crowd before me. In all the commotion from the heated dancing and music alone, hardly anybody even noticed that a fight had started, or that relationships were being ruined. It was the perfect, chaotic atmosphere for me to test my capabilities, and I loved it.

That's why it was a real shame when I prodded a bit too hard into the minds of a group of mares all having a rather relaxed and civil discussion, which was odd considering the environment. Curiosity got the better of me, and what I'd intended to turn into a love sextangle (I mean the shape, but it's fitting here, no?) between ladies resulted in me running into the only pony I'd been trying to avoid; A pony who would be capable of both sensing and ruining my fun.

My mind infiltrated the group, going right for the member that had the most attention, and whose actions would therefore carry the most weight. As my thoughts probed hers, though, I got a distinct feeling of mental awareness and resistance that had been absent in all other previous targets. Choosing to ignore it, I pushed harder, trying to essentially force my way into her mind.

Her aura suddenly and violently expanded, reaching out and gripping onto mine before I had a chance to retract. It held my tendril of energy close, preventing my escape as its owner began some counter-probing of her own. Through that connection, I sensed a familiar presence—as did she.

Oh shit.

... Joseph? came the thought.

Uhhh... hey, Twilight. How's the party going?

I'd never formed any explicit two-way connections before then, only sending images and impressions the minds I connected to. I simply hadn't had the focus. Twilight, however, seemed to have no trouble making that link, and the steadiness of her own aura, combined with my adrenaline rush from the shock of having so suddenly been realized and forcefully attached to, held my mind steady and allowed me to direct all of my attention to her despite the noise all around me. She was practically on the other side of the room from where I was standing, yet every thought sent was received with near crystal clarity.

That was not a good thing for me.

Joseph, why were you trying to get into my head? What are you up to?

Nothing! Nothing at all. I was just... Trying to find you so that I could- Charlie horse!

Before she had a chance to react, I attempted to withdraw my energy. The cloud of awareness around me snapped back into place, but she held fast to the extension that remained, causing my mind to reel in shock from the unexpected strength of her grasp. She was not left unaffected though, having to exert some effort on her own part to prevent me from escaping and avoiding her interrogation. As we mentally grappled—one for freedom and one for control—our energies mingled and were forced apart repeatedly, till there was a sudden snap between us. All at once, I lost awareness of the world around me. There was only the two of us existing in the same ethereal space, and we were both powerless to resist as our link reacted and dragged us together. Our minds clashed, and we were flung into mutual darkness.

***

"Sweet merciful mother of matrimony, what the heck was that?!"

I opened my eyes to find myself in... My bed?

"That... Could that have all been a dream?" I asked myself. "There's no way it could have lasted that long. It had to be-"

I sat up on my mattress—the one that most definitely only existed back at my home in the Human world—and looked around. I saw my drawers and dressers, my television, my couch, my desk and faithful computer, the window...

Wha?

The glass panels gave me a plain view of... Nothing. Just pitch blackness. There was no familiar suburban street outside. It wasn't as if it had been painted over; There was a literal void outside the window of my one room apartment.

What's going on?

I got off the bed and walked towards the computer. The lights in my place were on, bright as ever. If I was receiving power, that meant that I was still connected to the outside world in some way. Just as I moved to press the button on the machine, however, the screen came to life of its own accord. I leapt back from the suddenly brightly shining white display in surprise, staring disbelievingly. The speakers beside the monitor crackled with light static as they were turned on by some invisible force, and a mechanical voice came through.

"Hello, Joseph," it said.

"C- Casper?!"

"Must you insist on calling me that?" it asked irritatedly.

"What's going on? Why am I back home?" I asked, ignoring his annoyance.

"You're not back home. You're still stuck in your little corner at the party. Your awareness—our awareness—however, has been transported here, along with Twilight's. This is your personal mental space. It is the familiar place you imagine yourself in when most at ease. She has her own as well, and right now, the two of you have linked in such a way that your minds have joined, and so your innermost sanctums are now connected. And since you're next going to ask how this happened to begin with; the constant push and pull exerted by the two of you outside caused a spontaneous reaction when your wills conflicted on too many fronts simultaneously. When all commands had canceled each other out, what was left was the desire to return to your mind, and Twilight's desire to hold you to hers. There you'll find the similar intent, and so when the energies met, you were attracted to one another rapidly due to the force exerted by each party, the result of which was a merging of minds to fulfill the vaguely mutual goal. Sad to say, you pictured me as a sort of false intelligence, and so my form here is that which you see before you right now. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have used that 'Artificial Intelligence' analogy early on."

A simplistic picture of a sad face popped up to cover the otherwise plain white screen.

I looked around as I digested that information. Every aspect of my room, down to the last scratch on the computer desk and the almost empty container of salt on my kitchen counter, was precisely as I'd left it. And just as Casper had said, I felt far relaxed than I'd been in days—even more that I’d been before the whole fiasco had even started. I was homesick, and it turned out that I'd brought a piece of it with me when I left. I closed my eyes and breathed deep, enjoying the atmosphere.

My space... I wouldn't mind (God that pun was terrible) coming here more often.

The computer spoke up once more, "You could always just ask, you know. When it comes to altering your state of mind, I'm always here to assist."

Having Casper respond came as a slight surprise. I was used to having the voice respond to my thoughts because it existed solely in my head, but being in what felt like a real and physical space and thinking to myself without so much as opening my mouth, yet having him answer me as if I had done so was just the least bit bizarre.

"Wait," I said as I noticed that there was nothing but my completely familiar apartment and I, "If our minds are linked now, then where's Twilight?"

As if on cue, the door that was meant to lead out of the apartment gave a familiar creak as it was gingerly pushed open. I looked on in shock at what seemed an intrusion into my mind (Karma's a bitch, aint it?) but my indignation faded before it had a chance to form, when the one that had opened the door turned out to be none other than the only one who could have possibly been there to begin with.

Twilight stood in the doorway and stared at me with wide, confused eyes. Behind her, I was almost surprised to see a picture perfect replica of the Golden Oaks library. It made sense that it would be her own place of inner peace, seeing as it was where she was most in her element.

After a moment of silence in which we exchanged glances, she spoke. "So this is what a human home looks like?"

I giggled helplessly. There we were, trapped in our conjoined minds and completely cut off from the outside world because of a psychic conflict we'd been having, and in typical Twilight fashion, the first thing she would think to do was learn what she could about my mysterious background while she had the chance.

"Yes, Twilight," I answered as my mirth faded, "this is—or was—my home."

She remained at the entrance and looked around in fascination at all the objects that would seem strange and alien to pony kind. The fridge would have seemed a cupboard to her, and the computer would appear a miniature filing cabinet, but the glowing monitor and microwave and LED clock and whatever electronics she could lay eyes on—all would be new and intriguing. Curiously enough, she didn't make a move to inspect any further, not taking so much as one step into the room despite her clear urge to do so.

I saw no harm in allowing her a closer look at the technology, and actually wanted to see her reactions once I showed her how to use them. That's why was surprised by her hesitation.

"What're you waiting for?" I asked.

She gave me a reprimanding look. "Because it's rude to just waltz into someone's home, much less their minds. I'm not coming in without the owner's permission."

Twilight used 'Good Example'!

"It's not very effective." came the monotone reply from behind me.

Twilight tilted her head at the noise, looking towards Casper's physical representation with more interest she showed for anything else. She bit her lip as she resisted the urge to simply waltz in, which I emphasize that she was fully capable of doing.

"M- May I?" she asked.

"Nope." I grinned smugly.

Her ears fell in disappointment. "No? But why-"

"I don't need you acting all 'holier than thou' for me. If you want something, go for it. You don't have my verbal permission to enter my mind, but nothing's stopping you from doing so anyway. Why not just make use of that freedom?"

The concept of a sentient creature with the power to do something, but that would deny themselves the pleasure of doing so for no other reason than the fickle and highly subjective concept of 'ethicality' intrigued me. She had morals that she tried to adhere to, but she was also a thinking and feeling creature, meaning that she had the potential to abandon those morals if she truly desired to do so. I wanted to see just how hard of a push it would take for her to take that step, and so I dangled a metaphorical carrot before her hungry eyes.

She gulped, but stayed put and firmly replied, "Because it's not right. It was wrong for you to try invading my mind earlier, but me returning the favor won't change that. Two wrongs don't make a right, and I've learned too much about the importance of strength of character to just go against that now."

Righteous conviction. Cute, cliche, but I can appreciate the sentiment.

"Alright," I conceded with an impressed smile. "You can come in. Also, I apologize for the invasion of privacy earlier. I promise it was more a personal test of skill than anything, and that my goal was not to make you feel violated."

She doesn't need to know about what I was doing before I accidentally tried her. Ignorance is bliss, and it would be wrong to ruin her excitement now, right?

Twilight smiled gratefully and walked in.

"We need to find a way out of here," she informed me, though I didn't get the impression that she was in any rush to do so I watched her eagerly run between the unfamiliar gadgets, sparing each a glance or a prod to figure out what one did before moving on to the next. "This is my first time being unintentionally linked with somepon- someone, but I've read that the those involved in a disorganized joining of minds could go insane if they're allowed to stay connected for too long. Their memories would begin to merge together after some time, till all that's left is a combination of the originals that ends up being split between both bodies."

"Sounds pretty morbid," I stated flatly. "How do we get back to the waking world, then?"

"There needs to be a consensual attempt to break apart."

"Well then..." I trailed off.

I looked at her, and she looked at me, fidgeting in place as my memories of my world's artifacts tempted her.

There was obviously one thing we could agree on.

"Ten more minutes?"

"Ten more minutes."

The first thing she decided to inspect in detail was the computer, though what had her attention was the monitor.

"What is this?" she asked. "I've never seen anything quite like it. Is it hologram magic?"

"Yes, that's exactly it. Humans just prefer to theme their instruments differently than ponies," I said with a straight face.

Ponies did have electricity, and as far as I knew, they almost exclusively applied it in lighting and music, but the extent to which they'd developed technology that was capable of utilizing it was well behind human progression. In reality, there was no electricity or running water in the false room, but there would appear to be because that's what I was used to and expected. I didn't want a repeat of the night spent with Luna, not just because I wasn't eager for more narration, but because Twilight would undoubtedly become so interested in my race afterwards that she would be driven to learn more about them, which would mean asking me for details that I was doing my best to keep vague and open-ended, which would then lead to the whole awkward "You've got something to do with Discord and we can't trust you" deal.

It was far simpler to just pretend it was all magic.

She experimentally poked at the speakers with a hoof. "And what's this for? I thought I heard a noise coming from it just now."

"It's part of the hologram projector," I explained. "It allows sound to be incorporated with the scenes being displayed."

"Can I have a demonstration?" she obviously asked.

Cas, quick, run a non-human related clip or something. Don't say a word, that'd just lead to more questions.

I waved my hand before the screen to make a show of casting a trigger spell, and it flicked to a looping video of a cat running across space while crapping a rainbow. I groaned inwardly at the sight of the obnoxious creature. I was far from fond of that particular icon, and was sure that Casper had chosen precisely for that reason. Twilight seemed to love it though, and clapped her hooves for the show.

Once she'd had her fun enjoying the animation, she put her forelegs atop the desk and got as upright as she could manage so that she could get a closer look at the monitor. All the buttons were set along the side, so she failed to notice them. This was to my benefit as she soon accepted the moving pictures as being the extent of the device's ability, and said as much with her assessment.

"A hologram sequence tied to a sound projection sequence both activated by a single trigger spell," she mused. "It's creative, if a bit inefficient. Why's all the equipment so bulky? Wouldn't it make more sense to put the sound portion of the magic in the same object as the visual?"

I waved a hand again to signal the end of the video, and the screen faded to black.

"Twilight, you're a well read unicorn and all, but you've got a thing or two to learn about acoustics. Let's leave it at that."

She tilted her head curiously, but conceded. I next introduced her to the wonders of the microwave. There'd been no food in the fridge, but I was able to simply imagine up a frozen burrito or two, seeing as we were in my mind and all. She'd been curious as to its function, and so I was kind enough to let her do the honors of pressing the start button after I’d punched in a suitably long time. She watched with great interest as the ice melted and the food soon began to sizzle as it was cooked without any visible source of heat.

She'd decided to explain it as "A reinforced box with an isolated short range heating spell", because that's the first logical explanation a pony magician would arrive at for something as strange as a microwave.

"It has its uses," she continued, "I must say. It certainly seems safer than using a stove or open fire, and the inclusion of a digital timer? Ingenious! I could learn a thing or two from human inventions.."

"Indeed you could," I agreed as an idea came to mind. "Think of the fortune you'd make patenting and selling it in Equestria."

"What's a patent?" she asked, already walking towards my washing machine.

I stared at her, mind uncomprehending till I realized that there would have been no need for the invention of a patent to protect inventions, since, you know, ponies were good guys that would never plagiarize, and loved to share without hope for profit. Damn shame, really.

As continued to showcase device after device, we almost lost track of time.

And by that, I mean that I completely did, and so it was completely unexpected when Twilight suddenly stopped flitting around and sighed disappointedly.

"Well, it seems our time is up. Thanks for letting me look at all this. I would have shown you some of what I know, but there's nothing much that you’d find interesting, just a lot of facts and figures that could easily be learned in your own time in Ponyville."

I shrugged. "It's no big deal. You're an appreciative audience, so I don't think the time was wasted. Now how do we go about this consensual separation deal?"

"It's easy. You just need to withdraw into yourself, like you were trying to do when I caught you."

"Oh, heh, right." I chuckled nervously.

She headed for the still open door to her representation of the library. "I can't do that from within your mind though, so I'm going to close all connections to mine so that we can properly split. Once the door's shut, just try to isolate yourself and it should be straightforward from then."

Twilight entered her imaginary library once more and pulled the metaphorical door shut behind her, after which it promptly disappeared. Before I could begin trying to visualize what I was supposed to, though, it reappeared. This time, however, it remained closed.

The speakers crackled to life behind me again, "Damn, couldn't you have held on for a little longer? I barely got half of the information."

"What are you talking about?"

"I was in the process of copying over Twilight's memories into your own. There wasn't time to sort through and organize anything, so I just started pulling as much stuff as I could. She left the door open and unguarded, and her consciousness was here, so I just took advantage of the situation."

I crossed my arms and looked hard at the sentient machine.

"You mean to tell me that while I was trying to earn Twilight's trust, and upsetting my own inner sense of security by giving her access to my memories in an attempt to help foster that forming bond, you were already busy betraying her and stealing from her very mind?"

"Yes."

"Excellent. What did you find?"

“I'm not sure yet, though I managed to store most of the books from the lower section of the library. The books themselves are based off of real world counterparts in the corresponding locations, but the actual text has been slightly or significantly altered depending on Twilight's interpretation of it at the time of reading. I got somewhere around two hundred titles, any amount of which could be texts on magic, or the land's history, or even cooking. I'll need some time to analyze it all and figure out exactly what's what, but the fact of the matter is that you've profited from this incident. Once I'm done, you'll find your version of Twilight's library added as an extension to the apartment. It'll be mostly incomplete, but it's still something significant. You'll be able to check it out whenever you want."

"That's wonderful news. For now though, I'm thinking I should head back to the party before anyone finds it odd that I'm just standing stock still and staring into space like a psychopath."

"I wouldn't worry about that. Events perceived here are literally happening at the speed of thought, so what's been a relatively relaxed but interesting fifteen minutes for you has taken up no more than a second or two in real time."

"Well that saves some awkward explanations. Could you do me a favor and let me out of-"

***

"-here?"

The music was once again thumping, and the crowd of ponies had returned as numerous and vibrant as ever. My transition into the waking realm had been instantaneous, almost like blinking.

Well that was a close call turned beneficial. Now what do I do?

How am I supposed to know? Go so 'hi' to somepony?

Please, for the love of all things respectable, don't use that word again. These are people—little furry people with manes and tails and the occasional spark of magic. They are 'someones', not 'someponies'.

Whatever you say. You're in Equestria. You've got to embrace the cute at some point.

I didn't want to risk any more mental escapades, so I figured I'd hit the punch bowl and drink till the sugar rush had me too excited to be care what anyone around me thought, then proceed to try my two left feet at dancing in spite of all my previous failures. I'd been beside the refreshments the entire time, so I didn't have to move far to load myself up on a mug of an impossibly pink juice whose flavor had been completely obliterated by the sheer amount of sugar dissolved into the liquid. I grimaced as I forced it down, already dreading the sleepless hours to come and the inevitable crash the following day. Before I could completely empty my first round though, there came the sound of a throat being cleared behind me. I turned to find Twilight, who had evidently left her circle of friends to venture across to my side of the room.

"Not one for partying, I take it?" she asked with a smirk.

I smiled unremorsefully. I’d been caught red handed, but, "I'd ask you the same. I’ve yet to see you so much as start a jig to the beat."

"Well whatever our differences, I can see we're similar in at least one regard. I've never been too keen on these types of social gatherings. Too noisy..."

"Too crowded. Too much dancing. Yeah, I know the feel."

Twilight shrugged. "Well, whether or not you like the atmosphere, it is in your honor. Technically, you could change its theme to whatever you want. You know, make the music more mellow, or start a karaoke contest... Something to make it more interesting than just a room full of ponies flinging themselves around."

That suggestion set the gears turning in my head. It was my party. If I didn't like the whole 'dancing in a dark room with strobe lights' getup, I had the power to change it purely by suggestion, since it was really my way or bust.

I had an idea, but I needed some help to get the ball rolling. Twilight definitely wouldn't approve of it, so I'd rely on another.

I turned to her. "Twilight, where is Pinkie Pie?"

The unicorn snorted. "Where isn't she?"

She then cupped a hoof to her mouth and called out, "Pinkie!"

Her voice was practically lost in the din, but that didn't stop the instantaneous response from behind me. There was a splash, and I spun around to find the Earth pony in question suddenly lounging in the large bowl of sugary punch.

I and several other ponies at the table set down our drinks immediately, deciding we'd had enough for the night.

"Yeah?" asked the dripping pink pony.

Twilight didn't even bother to comment on either her showing up out of thin air or her choice of seating.

"Joseph was looking for you," she said and pointed my way.

Pinkie's large blue eyes locked onto me. "Sup Jo?"

I shook off my confusion, hoping that I'd get used to her spontaneity in time, and told her, "I need some help to shake up this party. You in?"

"Sure!” she chirped, leaping out of the bowl and onto the floor. And by 'floor', I mean 'table top', of course. “What do ya have planned?"

"Sure! What do ya have planned?"

"How much food do you have stocked in the room?" I asked.

"Enough so that everypony will have leftovers. Why?"

I smiled devilishly and drummed my fingers together in a villainous manner. "Then there's enough to use for ammunition. Pinkie Pie, I want you to assist me in staging the largest food fight the residents Ponyville have ever witnessed!"

Her eyes grew wide in surprise, then wider in excitement, then wider still with maniacal glee as she processed my words. Twilight, on the other hand, had been listening in, and her jaw dropped to contrast with her friend's eyelids.

"That's how you're going to make this interesting?" she asked in disbelief. "No. No! That's a terrible-"

She didn't get to finish, as her face was garnished with yellowish cream from a custard pie that had been launched by a conspicuously extended pink hoof.

I chuckled, then snorted, then cackled aloud at the pie-smitten unicorn. Pinkie rolled around on the table in her own fit of giggles. Several ponies around us turned to see what the commotion was about, and soon joined in when they laid eyes on Twilight's creamy visage.

The now lavendar and whitish-yellow pony grit her teeth in irritation, then anger. The custard seemed to melt off her features as many of the cakes, pies and other baked goods lying on the table began to lift into the air, in the grip of a violet glow.

"All right then," she said through her teeth, "you can have your food fight. More than that; You can have a WAR!"

With that, she launched over a dozen assorted food items forward and into the crowd, which was quick to shift from laughter to shocked exclamations once the first sticky bun exploded on someone's fleeing flank. I ducked below the first barrage, but Pinkie collected a revenge cherry pie straight in the muzzle. She was flipped over backwards by the force of the impact and landed face-first in a pile of powdered donuts.

No worse for the wear, she rose with a wide grin and forelegs armed with sheathed donuts up to the elbows. Milling them about, she began her return assault to Twilight, who collected so many of the pastries to the noggin that she ended up looking like a pony mime. Those that missed or were dodged ending up clocking whatever ponies were in the surrounding crowd, which by that point had mostly stopped dancing and were either fast retreating or grabbing hold of their own share of food with which to vindicate their sullied clothing and dates.

Before long, there was food being flung left right and center across the entire room. The party had devolved into a sticky-sweet brawl, and that was exactly the kind of thing I could get into. After blinding Twilight with a well aimed muffin as she'd chased me down wielding several massive cubes of colorful jello, I'd given her the slip and spent some time darting between messy party guests. In the heat of it all, I'd glimpsed Rarity heading for the front door, escorting a jumpy Fluttershy and using her magic to deflect any projectiles that went their way. The music had stopped—whether it was because someone had turned it off or because the speakers had become clogged with stray cake and cream, I cannot say—and Cashmere was nowhere to be seen in the chaos that her living room had become.

There was no longer a dance party. All that remained was the unwavering law of food fighting; Paste or be pasted. I'd done my share of the former, but could not prevent the occasional strike to my once blue T-shirt. I'd ended up taking it off at some point and stashing it beneath the couch to spare myself the trouble of serious cleaning afterwards. At one point in my bare-backed rampage, I'd had the supreme pleasure of having a hot sauce-engorged muffin rocketed into my face, and I had failed to shut my eyes in time.

As I writhed on the ground in agony, making a mental note to never allow Pinkie to stock hot sauce at any future parties that I'd be involved in, I couldn't help but laugh inwardly at the beauty of the sheer chaos.

It was brilliant, mad fun.

Best party ever?

It's my only party ever, but let's go with that.

After dusting myself off and succeeding only in smearing chocolate over my chest, I leapt back into the fray to make the most of my evening.

End of Chapter 8

First week of exams are done. I have been writing for the past week, but I have NOT been able to write one full chapter in that time. In other words... One chapter off my buffer list. One left. I need to get my act together. ;_;

As far as character progression goes, how's Joseph shaping up for you guys? Is he every bit the semi-bi-polar, cynical, self-absorbed, uncaring, insensitive jerk I pictured him to be? :D

New chapter coming in a week. COMMENTS AND FEEDBACK ARE APPRECIATED IN THE MEANWHILE.

Till then, Cheers! :3

Chapter 9

ADT Chapter 09

The dappled light of the rising sun shining through the windows—dew-laden from the moist morning air—was what awakened me. Its amber rays danced across my crumb and sprinkle-speckled face, dragging me out of the blissful embrace of dreamless sleep and into the painfully vivid medley of colors that lay spread and scattered about the room that had housed the night's most vivacious and violent of festivities. As my bleary eyes struggled to make sense of the vichyssoise of enmeshed limbs and liscidious manes-

To hell with it.

I woke up groggy as all get out. Room was trashed. Shit was fucked up and down. Unconscious ponies and food everywhere.

That's everything in four simple lines. Deal with it, all you thesaurus-hugging whores.

"Ugh... Damn it. My head." I clutched my temples in a vain attempt to stop or slow the throbbing headache I had the displeasure of being rewarded with in lieu of all the sugar and sugar-like substances I'd ingested and practically bathed in during the food flinging session that the party had, dare I say, evolved into.

You reap what you sow. Don't complain now.

I don't even care. That was some of the most fun I've ever had, and completely worth it. I'd do it all again if I had the chance.

Of course you would. Well, while you were out cold, I finished going over all the memories stolen from Twilight and sorted them according to subject. At least one of us can be productive.

Oh shush. I'm not in the mood to argue now. I need to get all this gunk off my skin before I'm forced to re-experience the many joys of my ever so recently finished puberty.

I moved to get up, but my right arm caught on something. I looked over and was surprised to find myself in a tangle of limbs with a very disheveled Twilight. Her hair was frayed in most places, and held together by various clinging food stuffs in all the rest. She'd been entirely too out of it to even care by the time exhaustion had overcome her. That was to be expected, considering how many mugs she'd creamed and caked over the course of the hour or so that the food fight had lasted.

After gingerly extricating myself from the slumbering unicorn, I retrieved my top from beneath the couch, but I didn't re-don it just yet, for I was far too dirty and in dire need of a bath. Before exiting the room though, I made sure to leave Twilight with an impromptu gift, just to show my appreciation for all the poor trades I'd had with her in the heat of battle leading up to our final clash and prematurely finished wrestling match. Once that was done, I giggled my way upstairs and into my room.

The living room had been a complete mess, but everywhere else was pretty much clear of any signs of partying. This meant that the second floor corridor was just as I'd left it the day before, so I was pleasantly surprised to find that the room I'd chosen had been cleared of all the dust that had tarnished the furniture when I’d first seen it, and that the bed had a fresh sheet and blanket covering it. Cashmere telling me that she'd spruce it up had completely slipped my mind over the course of the day's events, but she'd done a damn fine job of it.

The bathroom the room housed turned out to be bland in comparison to the rest of the musically themed space; It was just a small room with sky blue walls, a face basin, toilet (which I'm happy to report had much the same shape as a human one, just like the majority of pony-made furniture), tub and shower. There were several soaps and body washes lining a wall-mounted shelf on one side, labeled to indicate which species, skin or hair type, and body part they had been designed for. Not knowing what would be best for me, I just stripped bare, grabbed a generic 'all purpose' wash along with a towel from the rack beneath the shelf, and leapt into the tub for a long overdue bath.

I took the time to really savor the warm water as it washed off all the gunk from the party, leaving me feeling refreshed. It made no sense to rush, since there were still quite a few stragglers from the party left over, and once they went on their merry way, the inevitable cleanup session would begin. A bit of relaxation before the morning's work wouldn't hurt. When I got out though, it only then struck my haggard mind that I was missing an important factor in my habitual morning ritual.

What the hell am I going to change into?

Yeah. I hadn't really thought that through.

Not willing to use the dirty clothing, I chucked them into an empty clothes basket and wrapped my lower half in the biggest towel I could find, which dropped to just below my knees. It would have to do. Ponies were practically nude all the time anyway, so it wasn't as if they'd think worse of me for choosing to wear less. Having covered myself appropriately, I headed back downstairs to help Cashmere with whatever cleaning up needed to be done.

I entered to find Cashmere rousing the ex-guests and sending them on their way. She'd been AWOL for most of the party, having just grabbed a bottle or two of hard liquor and vanished to enjoy it in relative peace. Judging from the way she was incessantly rubbing her head and walking unsteadily, I could tell the morning hangovers would likely be a regular thing with her as my landlord. She spotted me, but didn't so much as grumble my way, instead focusing on getting rid of all the ponies littering her house. The next thing I saw was a distraught Twilight that was struggling to remove a dozen or so powdered donuts that some foul prankster had knotted her hair through. She heard me snicker, and shot a glare hard enough to break bones.

"Morning, Twilight," I said with an innocent smile.

Her eyes twitched, but she didn't move from where she sat, lest she risk the fragile dough breaking and scattering crumbs throughout her mane.

"You..."

"Me?" I laughed some more

Twilight blinked, and in a flash she was beside me. The donuts were left hovering in their positions, dropping harmlessly to the floor in a powdery mess moments after.

Forgot she could do that... Shit.

I flinched, but she surprisingly didn't proceed to enact violent vengeance. She opened her mouth to say something, but it morphed itself into a yawn which she barely managed to stifle. With a shake of her head, she fixed her mane with a bit of magic, and even leaned on my side for support before mumbling tiredly, "Last night was... Fun. I wouldn't imagine myself doing that sort of thing regularly, but it was nice to break loose for a change. That said..." she yawned again, this time too tired to even hide it, "I think I'll just sleep in today."

I knelt down and roughly rubbed her shoulders in an attempt to keep her alert. She responded by leaning onto me even more, and trying to use my own shoulder as a makeshift pillow. As I struggled to push her up, Cashmere trotted up to us.

"Ah, Miss Twilight," she greeted, "you're up... somewhat. Could you help me find that infernal pink friend of yours? Pinkamena would have to be a special kind of high to think I'd let her just walk out and leave this mess for me to clean up."

"If you were looking for me, why didn't you just say so?"

The three of us, including Twilight, spun around in surprise. This was silly, because we'd been facing each other, and hence would have seen every possible angle of approach. Nevertheless, when we faced forward once more, Pinkie Pie was somehow in the middle of the group and was also turning back around as if she'd been looking for something along with us.

"Why's everyone so jumpy?" she asked with a curious tilt of her head. "I think maybe you guys need to cut back on the sugar. It's terrible for the nerves."

I stared. Twilight and Cashmere sighed in exasperation. The shock seemed to have roused my purple friend somewhat, thankfully, and she eased her weight off of me to stand on her own, albeit unsteadily so.

Cashmere cleared her throat. "Pinkamena, if you'd be so kind, I'd like to have my place looking presentable as soon as possible. I only agreed to host the party because Joseph's living here now, but I don't want so much as a shred of evidence of this get-together having even happened by noon. I have my standards."

Pinkie saluted. "Okie dokie lokie! I'll have your pad spick and tan in a jiff."

And with that, she was off in a pink blur, zipping around the room collecting leftover food and utensils left and right, stashing all the refuse in a pile in the corner nearest the door.

I watched on in fascination at her inhuman (duh) speed, wondering just how she could be so energetic after an entire night spent partying. Cashmere merely gave an annoyed shake of her head and resumed sending off the now stirring party attendees, while Twilight mumbled a quiet farewell and went on her way to spend a day comatose in the treehouse.

It wasn't long before the house's only occupants were Cashmere, Pinkie and I. The three of us got all the garbage gathered up in a matter of minutes, and though the resulting pile almost reached the ceiling, Pinkie somehow managed to stuff it all into her party cannon, which she also baffled me by somehow producing it out of thin air. After helping us set all the furniture back in place, she waved goodbye and wheeled the loaded cannon out with her. Where she planned to launch all that food and plastic, I cannot say, nor can claim that I was eager to find out. By that time, it had become more than apparent to me that the only explanation for Pinkie Pie was, "Because Pinkie Pie."

My most gracious host was glad to see her leave, and smiled wide when the door was finally shut and she was able to enjoy the peace of her home once more.

"About damn time," she sighed. "I've been meaning to get back to my studies since early yesterday afternoon, but while you were upstairs, Pinkie came in and insisted that she have your party here."

She looked over to me, who still happened to be clad in nothing but a towel and had taken to lounging on the couch once the cleaning was all done.

"You're lucky I'm so accommodating,” she said. “Parties aren't my style, but the Princess has taught me a thing or two about making others feel welcome."

I smiled gratefully. "You're not all that different from Twilight, in that sense."

She made a gagging noise. "Ugh, not that uptight egghead. I'm all for academics and science and whatnot, but she takes it too far. Not to mention, she's one of those ponies that can't let a drinking mare alone. You should have seen the look she gave me when I whipped out my bottle of Mertrot! Kid needs to lighten up."

I shrugged. "I'm not particular to hard drink myself, but that's up to you. She's bossy and goody-goody by nature, she can't help it."

Cashmere sneered as she sauntered over to the couch opposite my own and flopped down to sleep out her hangover. "I could help that. All she needs is either some booze or a good stallion, maybe both. Anyway, annoying unicorns aside, I picked up some random things from the grocer while you were out yesterday. They're in the kitchen across the hall. No meat, sorry, but there's fruit and veggies and oats and whatnot. Look around and take whatever, just don't make too much noise." She then folded a wing over her face to block out the sunlight so that she could rest undisturbed.

Having been up for almost an hour by that point, I could agree to some breakfast. There'd been plenty of sugar and dough the night before, so I was in no mood for anything sweet. I made my way to the kitchen, which, like the rest of the house, was spacious and well equipped. I won't go into detail, but let's just say that being one of Celestia's dogs had its fair share of privileges.

There was no fridge though, of course, so I couldn't figure out where the food had been stored. I saw some bags of the aforementioned oats, some granola and alfalfa on the counter, but nothing that wasn't dried. Then I noticed that the table in the center of the room had several sliding wooden panels on its front. I hazarded a guess, and found that it concealed a simple cold storage compartment that was very similar to the cooler Applejack had used for keeping her own fruit fresh when we'd visited the farm. In it, there were several bags and boxes of varying sizes that contained many different greens, reds, yellows and browns for me to ingest. What more could a man ask for when meat was already off the table?

Well, you could always take to roaming the streets at night and capturing wayward ponies for the purposes of consuming their raw flesh to sate your hung-

STOP. There are LIMITS to what I'll do, believe it or not. Eating a pony is definitely NOT one of those things.

Suit yourself. It's just a crying shame that you won't be eating meat again... For a while, at least.

Ignoring the voice in my head that was telling me to kill people (In retrospect, I think I was long gone by this point), I grabbed a bowl, half filled it with granola off the counter and raisins from the refrigerator, and ate it dry. There was milk available, but in a world where the cows could talk, I found the concept of drinking their bodily fluids significantly less appealing than I had when they were considered more 'biological stock' and less 'living, thinking creatures.' I followed that up with a large slice of watermelon which I carried with me back to the living room couch.

As I sat down, dropping seed after seed into the bowl in my hand, I wondered what to do. That may seem like a stupid, stupid thing to ask, but here were my options as I saw them:

I had no computer, no games. Fiction books made no sense picking up because I was practically in one. I had no phone, no familiars that weren't sleeping or trying to do so. I had no internet, no por-

Oh no...

You will never see another pair again.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!!!!!!!!!"

Cashmere jolted upright and stared wide-eyed at the human shouting in lament before her.

"What in Tartarus has gotten into you?!" she yelled.

I caught myself when I realized that my outburst had been vocal and apologized sheepishly. "Erm- Sorry about that."

"And here my headache was just starting to fade... Damn it all." She groaned and shook herself into alertness. "Alright, I can already see that you'll be denying me rest for yet another day. Why don't you run off and meet some more ponies or something?"

"I've had enough group socialization in the last twelve hours to last a week, thank you very much. I think I'll stick with you today, you know, so we can get to know each other. I am going to be here for a while." I smiled wide.

Maybe I can get through that prickly shell of a personality she likes to keep up.

She gave me an expressionless stare. "Well, since I can't indulge myself in the luxuries of being a lazy mammal, I've got nothing but patience to lose from humoring you." She sat up straighter. "How do you want to do this?"

"A question for a question?" I suggested.

"Alright. I'll start." She briefly rubbed a white hoof to her chin in thought, "What's the last living thing you've killed for food?"

I blinked in surprise. "Going straight for the morbid stuff, are we? Well, I suppose that'd have to be a rather large herring that I caught while fishing about a year ago."

She gave me a disappointed frown.

I smirked. "What? You look like you wanted me to have killed a creature you could have a conversation with."

She actually hesitated before answering. "Not explicitly, but it would have been interesting to hear what it was like to take another's life into your own hands. So meat isn't a regular part of your diet, I take it?"

"That counts as a second question, but okay. I'm a meat lover. I had pork for lunch not two days ago. It's just that I am not the one killing the livestock. There are people whose job it is to deal with all the dirty stuff so that the ones eating meat won't have to feel guilty about it, since they never have to look in the animals' eyes as they're cut to pieces."

Cashmere grimaced at my blunt portrayal of my omnivorous species, but made no comment. She knew it wasn’t really her place to judge.

Shaking it off, she urged me on, "Thanks for that... You get two questions, seeing as I sort of broke the rule on my first go."

"Okay then, uh..." I paused in consideration.

What should I ask?

Maybe she could tell you something about the Royal Sisters' history.

Right. That might help clear up a lot on exactly why I'm here.

Careful how you phrase the question. She's most likely going to report anything suspicious back to Big Mamma when you back is turned.

"Well," I began, "I was reading up on the story of Hearth's Warming Eve before I arrived in Equestria. It says that the country was founded before Celestia and Luna ruled, but the three pony races and with no mention of Alicorns. You're familiar with this, I assume?"

She nodded.

"When exactly did the Princesses come in?" I asked.

Cashmere looked towards the door leading to the study as she tried to recall the information. "Not long after that, actually. Official records state that they were the firstborn children of Kind Exodus of the Pegasi, and Queen Geneva of the Earth ponies. There aren't much clear details as to exactly how the three races' traits manifested in them, but the union of the second generation rulers and their following conception occurred mostly as a statement against the strife that had separated the races for years in the past. The King and Queen aimed to show their subjects through example that true unity meant not only working together with another, but being able to accept and even love somepony of a different race. It's believed that the birth of the Princesses were a blessing from the heavens—a sign that what they were doing was the right path to follow."

"I've heard stranger explanations for the unexplainable," I dryly commented. "So you're saying that your rulers' origins are a mystery, even to ponykind? Shouldn't there be some rule about transparency or something?"

"It's not that you don't have a point," she said, "it's just that it doesn't apply to Celestia or Luna. Their births would have been cause for concern, had they not proven themselves to be blessings in and of themselves upon the lives of countless ponies throughout the ages." There was even a hint of reverence in her voice that was completely uncharacteristic of her usual behavior. In spite of this, however...

"'Celestia and Luna'?" I asked. "You're the only pony so far out of the admittedly small amount that I've met who refers to the Princesses without their title."

She scoffed. "Oh please. I've known them personally since I was a filly. My mother was both a friend and loyal servant to Celestia, and I was raised to take over her position once she was no longer able to fill it. I'm familiar enough with the Royal Sisters well to be able to dispense with trivialities such as titles. They actually prefer it like that in most cases, since it makes their precious subject seem that much closer to them, despite their position."

"What's the exact role that you fulfill for them? It must be important if you trained your whole life for it."

Cashmere took a break from staring absentmindedly into space and focused on me for a second. "We're straying from the original topic, so I'll consider that your second question."

Wait- Shit! I didn't get to ask about their relationship with Discord or anything! Why must I always go on tangents?!

And this is why you flunked Literature.

"My mother's job was to provide lodging for important guests of the Princess that came to Ponyville because they needed to spend a significant time outside the Capital, while still keeping it relatively close at hand." she explained. "Whether they did so of their own volition, or were on political business, they were required to remain under her care for as long as they wished to reside in in the town, unless they applied for citizenship. I simply took over for her once she became unable to carry out her task with a an appropriate degree of professionalism."

"Old age?"

Cashmere fervently shook her head. "She had an affair with a minotaur."

"Oh. Discharged for inappropriate conduct?"

"Death by internal hemorrhaging," she flatly stated.

"... Oh..."

"Indeed. To be frank, I don't so much miss her as I resent her for not holding off on getting resigned till my academic pursuits were finished. Her early retirement meant that I barely even got to make use of my free time for further studies once my service training was complete. I was in the running for a friggin award from the Canterlot Biological Research Association, but had to outright turn it down because of family commitments made before I was even born."

She seethed quietly over her lost chance at recognition among the intellectuals of Canterlot, and I fidgeted uncomfortably.

"I'm... Sorry?" I offered.

"I don't need your pity. In fact I should apologize for my little tirade. Anyway, the job's been good to me over the years, and I've learned more about the lives of other species through personal interaction that I ever would have back in my old study. That said, I think you've gotten enough free responses. It's my turn."

I spread my arms. "Alright, shoot."

"What's it like to have-" she paused and looked me up and down, then stared at my lower half. "... Why are you wrapped in a towel?"

I followed her gaze and stared along with her, but it took me a moment to comprehend the sudden shift in topic. "I've been like this for a while. You only just noticed?"

She shrugged. "I was tired and distracted. Forgive me, but I haven't been looking at anything but the ceiling for the past few minutes. Now, uh..."

"I thought wearing clothes was an oddity for ponies. Isn't this preferable?"

"You've been clothed since you showed up. I grew accustomed to it. Now you just look—I don't know—naked?"

I laughed loud and hard. "The irony of that statement is baffling. Anyway, my stuff's in the bathroom upstairs. It's literally all I brought with me when I came here, so I can't very well wear it when it's so grimy from yesterday."

She nodded in agreement. "Understandable. What I don't get is why you chose to cover yourself in a perfectly clean towel. Why not just walk in the buff till they're cleaned?"

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

I shook my head in denial. "I feel uncomfortable when exposed like that. I don't have hair all over my body like you."

"It's no big deal, you know. Clothes are pretty much only used in formal events, and even then, they're purely optional statements of status and wealth."

"It just doesn't feel right, okay?" I said somewhat shrilly.

Cashmere's eyes widened considerably, her ears perked up, and she took on a look that told me she was finally taking interest in the goings on. "You're really adamant about being modest, aren't you? It's almost as if you're hiding something..." She trailed off and maintained steady eye contact with me. I tried to keep up my indignant glare, but her bright and curious stare won out, and I looked away in embarrassment.

"Take it off," she ordered.

Take it off.

"I've been wanting to hear those words for a long time, but not from a pony, and definitely not for the purposes of satisfying any lustless curiosity."

"Believe me, if I were trying to set the mood for something, there'd be a lot less talking and a lot more alcohol. Now quit your whining and do it. I'm only asking because you're resisting so much. "

"No! And if you know I don't want to expose myself, then why force me? Aren't I supposed to be treated as your esteemed guest?"

"You were granted no special privileges in the letter announcing your approach," she informed me. "That means you're going to be treated however I damn well please. I'm in no good mood now, because of you, so this is my entertainment."

Why wouldn't Celestia announce me as a Royal guest? She said-

SHE didn't write the letter.

Then who- SILAS, THAT SON OF A CORELING!

She narrowed her eyes. "I don't want to ask again; Take off the towel and show me what you're hiding."

"Make me!"

Before I knew what was happening, she was off the couch and in my face, forcefully pinning me back to the seat with both hooves.

She sneered as I reeled back in surprise. "If you insist."

Pegasus lady be FAST.

I brought a hand up to push her off, but she lifted a hoof and struck my chest with enough force to make me gasp. As I reacted by reaching to clutch the offended area, she dragged both her limbs straight down and off my legs, taking the towel with them. She held it high in triumph, seeming more glad that I'd been unable to prevent her getting her way than she was at actually getting it.

Physically bested by a female pony. You must be so proud.

What the hell was I supposed to do? She knew exactly what I'd do before I even did it. She says she was trained for this job, but I get the painful feeling that they taunt her more than just how to fold a sheet back in Canterlot.

I tried to cover myself up as well as possible using my hands, but she soon flung the towel back in my face, causing me to flinch for a second to catch it and leave myself exposed for the interim.

Cashmere stared, and I fumbled to get my towel back on as quickly as possible. I'd barely managed to do so before she burst out laughing.

"Heheheh, that's what you were trying so hard to hide? Having that little flesh exposed is enough to make you this flustered? I'm beginning to question if the deepness of your voice is really a valid indicator of your age. You act like a colt!"

I blushed furiously. "Hey! I'm not a kid just because I'm not comfortable being seen naked by a- a-"

"Lady?" she demurely suggested in with a snide grin.

"HAH! You're the furthest thing from a 'lady' that I've ever come across, pony or otherwise. I bet if I checked, I'd find a pair of-"

Crunch

I fell to the floor, breathless and writhing in pain as Cashmere lowered the hoof that had struck the blow.

"You'd still find more than you've got," she said with a derisive laugh.

"Ffffff- urrgh..." I eloquently replied.

Ponies: 5, Human: Jackshit

Fffffff- uck you...

"Well that was fun," Cashmere chirped, trotting proudly back to her seat. "Shall we continue our sharing session?"

I craned my neck up to stare at the professionally insane pony before me, and numerous possible consequences for continued interaction with her came to mind. Based on that, I made a decision: Run.

"... Know what? Maybe meeting some other ponies would be a great idea. I think I'll just... Go."

Cashmere pursed her lips. "Well that's a surprise. I was just starting to enjoy this, too! You sure you don't want to show me more about-"

I didn't hear what she said next, because I was already off the floor and out in the the corridor by this point. What I did hear, however, was her laughing at my swift retreat. That sound followed me right out the door and into town.

***

Friggin sadistic crazy pegasus whore-bitch.

I don't know about that last one. If anything, you were her bitch.

Well I've learned my lesson. I'm avoiding that place as much as possible, unless it’s to eat or sleep.

Then what're you doing for the rest of the day?

I'll go see Twi-

She's sleeping.

Then I'll just browse the- FUCK.

I stopped mid-stride in the street and flipped two fingers skyward.

"That's for all you bastards that get your kicks off my life!" I shouted impotently.

All around me, ponies that had been paying the new guy in town little to no mind up till then turned to stare at the suddenly raging biped. It took me several seconds of hatefully glaring at the innocent clouds above before I realized the attention I'd unwittingly gathered.

This seems like an opportune time to remind you that you're still wearing nothing but that towel. Just making sure you remain fully self-aware and self-conscious at all times. You can thank me later.

"Uh... Are you okay?" asked one concerned looking brown-coated unicorn.

I carefully lowered my hands and looked around at all the colored eyes aimed my way, feeling my face heat steadily. "Um... Yes?"

He arched an eyebrow.

"Yes, I'm fine," I repeated, more for my sake than his. "I'm just having a hard day, is all. Would you mind pointing me to Miss Rarity's boutique?"

I knew where it was. I just needed to seem like I had direction, so I called a location at random. As I said it though, the prospect of paying her a visit didn't seem like a bad idea in the least.

Maybe I could convince her to rush the first set of clothes. I do not look forward to spending much longer half naked.

He pointed the way, and I gave a sincere thanks before running off to find the fashionista.

Her store wasn't far off, and I arrived within minutes. Thankfully, it was open this time.Yet another doorbell rang to signal my entry, and a singsong voice called out from a side room in response.

"Just a secooooond~! I'll be right with you, dear. Sweetie will do what she can to assist you in the meantime." Then aside in a more hushed tone, "Sweetie, go see what the customer wants."

I stood beside the entrance and waited, and sure enough, it wasn't long before a tiny white doll of a unicorn filly bounced her way into the room, reciting a clearly pre-practiced greeting.

"Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, how may I be of assista- AAAHAH!!!"

Sweetie wheeled back on catching sight of me—the monster that had implied the consumption of little pony girls just the day before—and froze at the entrance to the room she'd come from, ready to dash back through at a moment's notice.

"Morning, Sweetie," I waved with a smile.

She was anything but welcoming. "What do you want? Did you come here to eat me? I said I was sorry! Eat Scootaloo inste-"

"Whoa, whoa. Easy there. I'm not here to eat you or hurt you in any way." I lowered my hands to show that I meant no harm. Scaring them had been a one time act of revenge. I didn't want the Crusaders, of all ponies in Ponyville, to be afraid of me. It also would have been in my interest not to freak her out while I was depending on her sister to help me out.

Rarity's voice rang out from behind her, "Sweetie, is everything alright in there?"

She certainly didn't look like she thought everything was fine, judging from her suspiciously narrowed eyes. I gave the warmest smile I could manage, hoping she'd let bygones be bygones and forget any prior threats (that had been made in jest).

To my relief, she visibly relaxed, having apparently decided that I was being sincere. She cupped a hoof to her mouth and called back to her sister, "Everything's fine! It's just the monst-" She caught my look. "I mean- It's just Mister Joseph!"

"Hey Rarity!" I chimed in, "I just needed to follow up on that offer you made last night."

She didn't respond directly, and instead I heard her muttering quietly, "Just a bit more... There! Perfect. That should hold everything together for the while." She raised her voice again, addressing me, "What offer, exactly? You simply must forgive my distractedness at the moment. It's just that I've been working on a personal ensemble for the past few weeks, and I just had the most fabulous idea to make it really shine once completed. When inspiration strikes, one would do well to seize the moment, correct?"

"I agree fully. What I was referring to was that offer to design a suit or two of clothes for me. You know, from the party?"

"You mean the get-together that somehow devolved into an tasteless to-and-fro exchange of sweets?"

"Er... Yes?"

"I do recall making such a gesture. Sadly, I can't say that I've made any headway on it yet. I don't have much in the way of business at the moment, so I've been devoting my free time to this pet project. Worry not; I'll start on those once I'm satisfied with my final product here."

I winced, now aware that to ask for more would be an inconvenience for her, but I had no choice.

"That's what I'm here about. It's- ah- It's a tad more urgent that I get those done than it was before. You see, I only have one set of clothes available to me at the moment, and-"

There was a stuttering crash from the other room, as though something solid and heavy had been dropped, the dropper had tried to catch it, but had failed to stop the dropee from colliding with the floor.

Sweetie, who had been quietly listening to our exchange, peeked into the room, breathing a sigh of relief when the obscured damage done turned out to be minimal.

"You okay, sis?" she asked.

"I- I'm fine. It's just-" There was the sound of galloping hooves, and a breathless Rarity appeared in the doorway, hair pinned back to allow her eyes a clear view of her outfit as she worked on it. Those eyes were awarded a similarly clear view of my almost bare form, and they widened accordingly as their owner's shock escalated.

Rarity put a forelimb to her forehead and wobbled on her feet. Sweetie moved to catch her, but she righted herself in time. It wasn't like she was feigning it either—she really looked like she was about to faint!

I fidgeted self-consciously in place and adjusted the plain white towel so that it reached as far as possible below my knees. For a pony that literally dedicated her life to making individuals look classy and stylish, someone showing up and claiming to have nothing to wear but a single minimalistic top-and-slacks combo and a freaking towel must have seemed a living nightmare.

"Oh my, please tell me you're not serious. You've been reduced to wrapping a drab rag about yourself because of a lack of fashion options?" She looked me up and down, not with curiosity or disdain or suspicion, as I was used to, but with what I took to be disbelieving pity.

I tried to better explain the severity of my situation, "Well, it's much less 'fashion' and more a necessity for me to wear clothes. I doubt I could survive socially without them."

Rarity nodded vigorously. "I understand perfectly, dear. I feel the same way. It seems that we are souls alike—bound by our passion for expression through the garb that conceals our bodies while simultaneously exposing our spirits."

I deadpanned.

Something tells me she doesn't really understand where you're coming from...

It's best that I play along. The outcome should be the same, right?

So I forced a smile and nodded with as much vigor.

"You made the right decision, Joseph," she said with utmost conviction. "If anypony's capable of getting you something to wear fast while still keeping you at the peak of chic, it's me. I'll have you dressed and looking fabulous before you know it."

"You'd put your own work aside just to help out someone you barely even know?" I asked.

She waved a hoof dismissively. "Think nothing of it. I simply cannot resume work purely in my own interests until this crime against fashion has been righted. Quickly, come with me. I can't bear to see you so poorly attired any longer."

She led me into the side room. Sweetie moved to follow, but Rarity was quick to bar her entry.

"Hey! Why can't I watch you design something for him?" asked the surprised filly.

Rarity shook her head. "Because, Sweetie, if he is so concerned with keeping himself well dressed, it would be an invasion of his privacy for you to witness him 'au naturel' unless it were absolutely necessary."

"But you-"

"Ah ah ah~ No 'buts'. I'll only be there because I'm the one taking measurement and fitting the clothes. That much can't be helped."

The younger sister pouted, and Rarity chuckled, holding up her chin to look her in the eyes. "Don't give me that look," she said gently. "I'll tell you what. Since you can't be in here, and I don't know how long I'll be busy, why don't you change the sign to 'closed' and run along to play with your friends till lunch?"

The frown vanished in an instant, and without any response other than an obscenely cheerful squeal, Sweetie Belle was out through the front door, sign and namesake rattling in her wake. Rarity smiled after her, and I couldn't help but smile along.

Once she'd gone, Rarity shut the door and turned to face me. "Alright, what exactly do you have in mind for an outfit? I have several ideas already, but I need to know what your preferences are before I choose a path to follow."

"What I was wearing before was pretty much how I always dress," I told her plainly.

She gasped. "What? Those shabby things? I thought they were meant for many consecutive hours spent moving about, and hence would have been a guiltless sacrifice to the elements."

"That sounds about right," I said.

"Why would you ever choose to regularly dress so... Plainly?" she inquired in a tone that suggested no answer could justify the act.

I shrugged. "It's comfortable."

Yeah. I didn't exactly make much of an effort on that whole 'justification' front.

She rubbed her temple and sighed softly. "Oh dear. Your heart's in the right place, but your fashion sense..."

So then the idea struck me, and at the risk of my own masculinity, I decided to give it a shot.

"Alright then, how about this?" I walked over to a trio of pony mannequins in various poses, each in their own version of the same dress, and made a show of gesturing to them with a wide wave of my arms. "You've got talent, there's no denying that. You also have experience—something I lack. You know what looks good and what doesn't, while I'll wear pretty much anything that fits. Instead of having you make something that you don't agree with, I'll give you full creative control of the clothes I wear for the entirety of my time in Ponyville, on one condition."

Her eyes went wide at those words. I expected her to take the news well, because to my knowledge, she hardly ever got such an opportunity. Sure, she'd have her own style and flair to add to a design, but the final product would always be influenced by the person it was being created for, and so her vision could never be truly realized except in her own work. Even then, there's arguably a greater sense of accomplishments to be found in seeing someone else flaunt your efforts than in doing it for yourself. I was giving her a rare chance to really cut loose.

"F- Full control?" she repeated numbly. "Anything I want to try? Absolutely anything?"

"It's all up to you," I confirmed.

"And the condition?"

"However fantastic the clothes may be, they need to be practical. I don't want them to restrict my movements. Other than that, go wild."

She mirrored her sister's squeal of glee, albeit with more grace.

"I accept!" she exclaimed excitedly. "I can't design anything that would truly deserving of any admiration on such short notice, but rest assured that by the end of the week, I'll have more drafts than you can throw a wardrobe at! For now, I'll have to make do with some improvisation."

"I trust you'll find a way to make it look good," I told her in good faith.

"Your trust is well placed, mon ami," Rarity replied proudly as she began combing through several drawers for whatever supplies she had in mind.

Personally, I knew she would come up with something dashing. My only concern was whether or not it would be optimal for a guy. I wasn't about to let those fears stop me from giving her a chance, though. Wearing clothes personally designed by Rarity? I'd take that over some half-assed mix-match of cloth I could think of any day.

"Here it is!" she declared triumphantly, levitating a length of measuring tape above her head. "The first step would be to get your measurements. Since you liked your old outfit so much—I say 'old' because you won't be wearing it after I'm through with you—I'll base my first work of art off of that, but will of course make necessary adjustments to suit."

"Sounds good."

She held the tape stretched out before me, then stood motionless as if waited for something. A good few seconds passed, and as I was about to ask her what the holdup was, she sighed and looked up to me with an reprimanding gaze.

"Well?" she asked in expectation.

"’Well’ what?" I asked with a contrasting amount of obliviousness.

"I can't take proper measurements if you've got those rags around yourself. I know you prefer clothing, dear, but sacrifices will have to be made here and there for the sake of fashion."

I stared at her for a good few seconds as the familiarity of the situation hit me like a ton of awkward moments.

Even when I try to avoid it...

Take it off. TAKE IT OFF.

Before I could procrastinate any longer, I grabbed the edges of my towel and pulled. It came off without so much as a snag.

***

Rarity's got mad skillz.

Sorry about that uncharacteristically crude and non-artful use of the English/Equestrian tongue, but it's more true than any of you plebeians will ever be capable of comprehending.

Within two hours of having decided to assist me in my apparel-centric predicament, she had me clothed in a two piece dress shirt-and-pants combo. In spite of the added buttons and extended arm length, the top was as loose fitting and comfortable as my original T, if not moreso, but whereas the old one had been plain black, this was a mellow shade of yellow, and had a pattern of bright purple flower petals embroidered into the hems. The decals along my left arm cuff subtly spelled out 'Rarity' to those who looked closely enough.

To heck with my coarse knee-length khakis. In their place were a pair of simple tan dress-pants that reached no higher than my ankles. These were smooth and had no design, but their earthy contrast with the shirt drew attention to the latter, and made the design truly stand out. The truly awesome part though?

They were cambric.

That's just a big word for 'finely woven silk' that Rarity used to describe the material when I asked what it was, but I much prefer it anyway. Just sound it out:

~Cam-brick~

I'm using tildes and all that fancy shit.

I felt just classy in my new outfit. It would be a real shame when the time came to get them dirty, but such is life.

I modeled for myself before the tallest mirror in the room, twisting left and right to see the outfit from every possible angle, none of them bad.

I had to voice my thoughts on her efforts. "This looks so..."

"Yes? Yes?" Rarity leaned forward, eager to hear what I thought of her hastily thought up but meticulously designed clothing.

"Sexy!" I declared, whistling for my own reflection.

Rarity tittered chastely and feigned fanning herself in relief. "Well, at least I can rest assured in my ability to make anything and anyone look good, no matter the species. You're sure the collar and cuffs are the right size this time?"

"Absolutely," I told her. "This is only your second attempt at getting my measurements right, and it came out better than pretty much anything I ever wore back home. It goes without saying that you're a natural."

A modest blush colored her face, and she accepted the praise with a smile. "It is my special talent, after all. It's just a pity that I won't be able to make more of my ideas a reality at the moment, since lunch is fast approaching, and Sweetie will doubtless be showing up famished from her morning romp with her friends."

"That's fine. There's always later, or tomorrow," I assured her.

Then came the awkward moment of scratching my head as I pondered what course of action to take. In spite of my thanks and compliments, and the fact that she'd promised the first outfits to be free of charge, I still felt like I wasn't giving her enough. I told her as much.

"Rarity, I don't know how I can thank you enough for this. One or two sets of clothes won't be convenient to alternate between all the time, though, and I'll need to ask for more very soon. I refuse to accept any more charity than you've already given. Would you happen to know any place looking for work, so that I could earn some bits to pay you for your efforts?"

She held up a hoof to stop me. "Darling, I appreciate the gesture, but it's really no trouble at all. If anything, I should be thanking you for volunteering to allow me to test my newest designs on you. Normally, I have to call in debts just to get a pony to show up and hold still for a half hour so that I could attempt the same thing!"

I would have none of it. It wasn't just a matter of paying her, but of being able to support myself in the community. A favor or two in a time of need is fine, but being dependent on the charity of others? That's a low that I didn't want to stoop to.

"I insist," I insisted insistently. "I would feel much better if I could compensate you for your work."

She bit her lip indecisively, but relented under my determined gaze. "Alright. If you're truly set on it, then who am I to refuse you? There's quite a few vacancies available around town, for example..."

***

There were no jobs for me in Ponyville. I was destined to be a broke moocher.

I walked out Rarity's front door looking fabulous, but feeling dejected.

Flower arranger?

Masseuse?

Waitress?!

Where were the programming gigs? Oh, right.

Where were the gaming tournaments? Oh, right.

I couldn't even pull a card from my early teenage years and go work at the grocery as the ever-respectable bag boy. Why? Because the one menial task for which I was willing to cow my ego and endure had all its vacancies filled.

You could always make a vacancy, you know.

Killing ponies is wrong. It’s not like they’re humans or anything. They’re much cuter.

I'd been coy enough to thank Rarity for the information, and sworn to make use of it, before I'd departed. Even so, they felt like empty words. What was I going to do? What could I offer to the town that they couldn't and hadn’t already provided for themselves?

Then it hit me; I wasn't a pony.

Yeah, I know. "Gee, how did you ever figure that one out?"

Shut up.

The thing is, I was human. I didn't just differ from them in body, but also in character. Whereas they would have no problem finding working hooves for boring, everyday jobs, there would have been a lack of ponies willing to do the more daring and dangerous things.

To be more specific: I didn't fear the same things they did, and what did most residents of Ponyville fear most?

"The Everfree Forest! That's it!"

Several ponies jumped at my sudden outburst, and their stares brought me out of my internal musings.

A familiar brown unicorn stepped forward after a second's hesitation. "Uh... Are you-"

"Yes."

Going to research the Everfree, are we?

Nope. I'm going to explore it.

For science.

And cash!

And who would be willing to pay for that kind of hard-to-come-by information?

To the library!

End of Chapter 9

Hoboy. Exams are over as of the day before me uploading this chapter. I'm falling behind in my writing schedule, but I'll do my best to catch up, now that I have more freedom (I played Saint Row III non-stop throughout exams... FOR THE RPG ELEMENTS).

As for the storyline, I can safely say that the best yet to come. I just hope I can rekindle my writing spark before next week, since exams (ie; games) have really taken a toll on my creativity when it comes to planning ahead.

As always, let me know in the comments what you guys think about the story as it progresses. It's viewer feedback that motivates me to keep this train going, no matter how many out-of-control gangsters decide to try and stop it with their heat lasers and guided missiles.

...

I need to get some rest...

Chapter 10

ADT Chapter 10

Twilight's not a deep sleeper, by any means. I suppose she'd picked that trait up after however many years spent waking up at all odd hours of the night to do Celestia-knows-what kind of research. Whatever the reason for her shallow slumber, I hated it. I didn't even manage to start the mustache before a lavender eye snapped open on the lavender mare and focused on me- er- lavenderly.

She stirred. "Zzz- uh, wha~? Joseph? Why're you-?"

I hastily dropped the marker to the floor and kicked it beneath her bed before she had a chance to notice anything other than the fact that I was in her room without an invitation.

On a side-note; Ponyville would be the perfect place to practice a career in burglary. Not a soul bothers to lock their doors. Ever. I'd just waltzed into the library (Though it is public, so I suppose it's a given that the front door would have been open), up the stairs and through the door to the second floor, and through another that led to the alcove that was Twilight's room, meeting absolutely no resistance along the way. Spike hadn't even been in the main library to see me enter, but I suspected that he was probably busy preparing lunch in the kitchen, since I'd heard what sounded like a little girl humming from within the room, along with the punctuating 'tac-tac' of a knife repeatedly striking a block of wood. Point is that everything was unsecured and unsupervised.

On a front-note; Twilight made the transition from 'sleepy pony' to 'confused pony' to 'indignantly shocked pony' all too quickly.

She slapped the sleep from her eyes. She didn't tiredly rub it out; She literally slapped herself, once, as if her eyes were a pair of faulty old televisions, and that shit was gone.

"Joseph? Why're you in my room?"

"Because... You're not in mine?"

BRILLIANT RESPONSE, MR. HEFNER!

She stared at me, then squinted her eyes as if unsure of what to make of the situation. The moment she began to shake her head to clear whatever hallucination she may have been witnessing, I took my cue, "-and that's my idea for earning some income. Are you interested?"

The confusion in her gaze tripled. "What?"

"Are you interested? Was my pitch so boring that you dozed off on me? Twilight, I'm hurt!" I held a hand to my chest in faux pain.

"Huh? No! I just... Got distracted- Wait! I mean... Could you just repeat what you were saying, please? I might be a lot more tired than I thought."

Your skill in bluffing has increased by one point.

"Oh, that's alright. As I was saying, I need to find some source of income, but Ponyville has nothing that suits me. I was thinking that maybe I could venture into the Everfree Forest, and maybe gather information and samples and whatnot, and I could get paid for it! I decided that if anyone would find that kind of rare information valuable, it would be you. If not, you'd know who could make use of it. So, what do you think? Want to be my first client?"

She frowned. "That sounds highly dangerous and irresponsible."

"I won't be cheap."

Twilight gave me a dead-eyed stare for several seconds before sighing and dragging herself off the mattress.

"There are a lot of things to be discovered in the Everfree Forest," she said slowly, "but—and I'm sure most ponies would agree with me on this—I wouldn't be willing to risk someone else's life for simple curiosity. In fact, paying you to do it just makes the whole thing feel even more guilt-inducing if something goes wrong."

I patted her head and gave a knowing smile. "You worry too much. I'll be fine. It's just nature; Sharp, hungry, vicious nature, but nature all the same. It's not like there's any horrible dark secret or monster hidden in there or anything."

Because that's not an invitation for the fates to screw you over once again, right?

Twilight shook her head. "You can play it off all you like, but facts are facts. It's too risky unless you're prepared."

This coming from the young unicorn that had wandered into the Everfree, met with the wrong end of a cockatrice, and nearly ended up as a statue forever. Aside from her, the Cutie Mark Crusaders had also ventured into the forest, as had Fluttershy, and Snips and Snails, and all of the Mane Six as a group on three separate occasions. 'Dangerous' my ass. The world wasn't as happy-go-lucky as I'd expected, but I could hardly imagine facing a serious threat in there if a bunch of pastel-colored ponies could get away with it.

"Why not just think of something else?" she asked as she trotted towards the stairs.

I followed her, explaining as I went, "Like I said, most of Ponyville's jobs involve performing a bunch of menial tasks, and I can't be bothered to do something that I won't enjoy."

"But why something so dangerous?"

"It's the danger that appeals to me. Gotta live life on the edge if you want to experience it to its fullest."

She paused at the top of the stairway and shot me a smirk before beginning her descent. "You sound just like Rainbow. Did she give you the idea?"

"Nope. Haven't seen her since last night. All I did this morning was meet Rarity for some clothes, then I came over here."

She eyed me with renewed interest, as if she'd only just noticed my change of colors.

"Ooh! Rarity made this? It's certainly different from her usual stuff, but now that you mention it, I can see her style all over it. The flowers were a very nice touch.”

I basked in her admiring gaze for as long as it lasted, grinning smugly. "Thanks. You were right to advise me to turn to her for clothing assistance. She's a mare of her name. Now, about the availability of manly, adrenaline-inducing ing jobs around this town..."

"Unless you're looking to start a career as a construction worker, I suggest you lower your expectations," she flatly remarked as we reached the first floor of the library.

I threw my hands up in the air. "See? There's nothing I'd want to do here! I might as well put my skills to the test and do something useful while at it."

"Your skills?"

"Well..." I scrambled to come up with something that would sound legitimate. "Ah, let's say... 'fast learner of magical things'? I'm bold, if that's a listable quality."

"'Bone-headed' is more like it. Tell me; Why the sudden rush to make money? You've been here barely two days. Why not relax a while?"

"Firstly, I hate relaxing. I'm lazy, but I like being lazy while doing something. Don't bother trying to make sense of that, because I can't either. Secondly, I need clothes, among other things that I haven't thought of yet. I brought nothing with me when I came here, so I need to be able to buy stuff for myself. I'm picky about jobs, so I'm making one up. Understand now?"

Her jaw dropped and she gave me another deadpan stare. "You... That's so..." She sighed, grimaced, and started over, "You're not going to settle for a regular job like everyone else, are you?"

"Nnnope."

She gave me a strange(r) look before continuing, "Fine. If you're determined to endanger yourself, at least it's going to benefit Science in one way or another. I still don't agree with the idea, because it's reckless, but I'll help you prepare to take on the forest as soon as I can. In fact, I'll go with you on your first trip to keep an eye on you and make sure you can take care of yourself. If you can handle it alone, I'll send word of your offer to the Princess so that she can relay it to the Canterlot Research Committee. I'm sure they'd leap at the chance to learn more about the forest."

I performed an enthused fist-pump. "Sweet! I've got a full day ahead of me, so would you be interested in doing the whole 'prep' thing this afternoon? I want to see the forest for myself as soon as possible."

"If that's what you want, but for now, I could do with something to eat. I didn't even have breakfast!" She chuckled and made for the kitchen, from where I could still hear Spike humming to himself as he prepared the food.

I stayed back at that point. I'd been an unexpected guest, and so lunch there was not an option. Since I had no bits to spare, I had no choice but to head back to Cashmere's.

Celestia help me...

***

"That's a stupid idea," said Cashmere between bites of lettuce.

I nodded over my bowl of assorted nuts (The kind you want to have in your mouth).

"So I've been told, but I'm not changing my mind. I came here to explore, so I might as well get paid for doing it."

She shook her head and corrected me, "I never said to change your mind. I wouldn't try to discourage you when I could get something out of it."

A pony after my own heart.

Literally or figuratively? I can never tell with her...

"Let me know when you're going in," she said. "I've got some things I wanted to check out, but never got a chance to because my job keeps me friggin anchored to this town."

"I'm leaving for the forest right after this, actually. What do you want me to find?"

"Bugs. There's two species in particular that I'd love a chance to research, but they only reside deep in the Everfree. Hold on, I have some pictures for reference."

She stepped out of the room and returned a minute later with a large dual-compartment plastic container held in her mouth and two small photographs clutched beneath her wing. She passed them all to me.

The first picture was of a brilliant blue beetle that was about the length of a bit. I knew this because a crude drawing one of the small gold coins had been scribbled along the back of the picture to indicate a visual scale. It seemed to lack antennae, but instead had thousands of miniscule hairs peppered about its legs, back and head, all of which were the same bright azure as the rest of its carapace. It would have been pretty, had it not been equipped with tiny but razor sharp twin mandibles that made up more than half of its head length. Just the glint of those natural blades made me nervous of the insect.

"This blue beauty," she began, "much like the majority of the Everfree's insect population, has no official scientific name as of yet, since nobody's been able to actually catch one for proper observation. It's a rare specimen, but one well worth the effort of finding. I want to study how it manages to survive in such a hostile environment and succeed as a predator when its delicate-looking sensors are so very exposed. Once I know what it does, I'll submit my findings and name the creature myself!"

The next one wasn’t so monochromatic; It had a dizzying array of colors and swirls spread across a flat, disc-like body. No eyes, mouth, or sensory organs were visible. It looked almost like a colorful cutout of something that a child would have drawn, and was more than three times the size of the previous insect. I wouldn't have even been able to tell that it was an insect if Cashmere hadn't presented it as one.

"What am I looking at here?" I asked.

"I wish I knew. From the mere two recorded reports on this specimen, I've been able to determine that its means of travel is via air currents. It simply floats around, though whether or not it has any control on where it ends up, I cannot say. I don't know what it eats, how it does so, what its role in the ecosystem is, or what those markings are for—though I suspect the answer to that last one is 'camouflage'. All that's certain is that it's alive, and it's a mystery."

I pocketed the images. "Alright, I have my first targets. Now, about the matter of payment?"

"How much do you want?" she asked boredly. "I'm not sure exactly where these things are found, but I know it won't be easy to get to them. My royal stipend goes largely unspent during the time without guests, so I’ve got a fair bit of savings to pull from."

"I've never risked my life for money before. Name a figure."

I had little understanding of Equestrian economy, but I was fairly certain that a bit could be equated to about fifty American cents. That would have been my only gauge for whether or not she was ripping me off.

"Well, you will be undertaking significant risks while helping me out here, so... How's two hundred bits per unique specimen sound?"

I was so quick to shout "SOLD!" that a pistachio got forced up and lodged into my nostril. I coughed it out and weathered the burning of the salt as I repeated my statement with less vigor, but slightly more tears.

I wouldn't have many expenses in Ponyville. My housing and food were taken care of, and aside from clothing and the occasional luxury, I'd have nothing to do but save all that loot till I found a use for it. Acting as an explorer of the Everfree would do more than just fix my monetary issues; It'd leave me loaded!

I made the right choice.

You made the right fucking choice.

"That settles it." said Cashmere. "Can I expect you back by this evening, or do you plan on spending a night or two in there?"

I swallowed the last of my vegetarian lunch nervously as I considered that prospect. "Sleeping in a place with such a bad reputation? No thanks. I'd do it if I knew what to expect, but for now you can bet on me reaching back here before it gets too dark."

"That leaves you with about six hours to do some scouting. The sooner I get my insects, the better, so hop to it! I aint paying you to laze about."

"You haven't paid my anything yet!"

"Hundred bits bonus for rush delivery."

“...”

***

ALMOST... THERE...

SPRINT TO THE FINISH!

One minute and a record-breaking run later, I was collapsing against the library's front door, panting from exertion. My legs felt like rubber and my lungs were oxygen starved, but my prime concern was the the task at hand. For that, Twilight would be a necessity. While I had no shortage of good looks, charm, wit, talent and overall sexiness, she had the facial hair and general know-how of the forest, so her assistance would be required.

I raised a hand to knock on the door, then came to my senses and barged in as was customary. I left the collection container at the door, next to a pair of saddlebags that were packed to the brim with bulky content that I couldn't fully make out, but a roll of gauze poking out of one crevice had me suspecting that it was all survival gear which Twilight had deemed necessary.

I found both the young unicorn and Spike involved with some form of research. Her unofficial slave was frantically running back and forth between various stacked shelves, and then every so often to Twilight, who was intensely focused on a series of open texts levitated before her. He'd grab a book or two from a discarded pile at her side, she'd mumble some sort of direction for him, and he would take those books back to their respective shelves, returning with two or four more to take their place.

I suppose it's beyond redundant to say this now, but I found Twilight and Cashmere to be extremely similar in some ways, even if they their major differences in others. The two ponies loved their studying with a passion, and where one took to her work with enthusiasm and wonder, the other sought to dissect and analyze for the sake of profit, after which she'd likely reward herself with a celebratory drink or two. Similarities aside, though, there's also the ever-important fact that one was easily approachable, and the other would probably do well to wear some sort of proximity sensor so that innocents didn't accidentally end up within biting range.

Twilight didn't notice me enter the library, but Spike turned his head when the door clicked shut. He lifted a hand to wave to me, but the heavy texts in his grip wobbled with the shift in support, and he had to return that hand before he could even complete the gesture.

"Hey Joseph!" he called instead as he carefully teetered his way towards Twilight, who was still oblivious to my presence.

I rushed to assist him, taking the heavier half of the books off the top of his load.

"Thanks," he said tiredly, quickening his pace now that he had less weight to worry about.

"No problem. What's the village bookworm up to now?" I asked, matching his stride.

"Doing some light revision on the Everfree Forest. She mentioned something about you needing to go there, and said she didn't want to risk anything when you're so 'inexperienced and irresponsible,' as she puts it. If you ask me, she needs to quit worrying and take a break. My arms are killing me!"

He dropped the books beside Twilight with a mighty thud, and I gently rested my stack atop his. He barely had time to slouch in exhaustion before she spoke up without so much as interrupting her examination of a diagram depicting a manticore's bone structure.

"Spike, I need you to bring me back that copy of ‘Hairy Beasts and Where Not To Poke Them’. I'm not finding enough details on where not to poke a manticore in this one."

He sighed, but made no complaint as he turned right around and ran back to the bookshelves. I watched him go with some amusement, but remembered my purpose and called for her attention.

"Twilight, I'm back," I informed her in the most verbose manner I could imagine.

She lifted her head up from the book, blinked once as the disorientation of being jerked out of her textual realm wore off, and looked to me as recognition set in.

"Oh, you're back."

"That's what I just-"

"Just give me a second here. I'm making sure that there's nothing the Everfree can throw at us that we won't be able to handle. I've got a spell that will act as a scent suppressant, one to repel bugs, and a map—courtesy of a friend of mine that lives in the forest—that shows the first square mile or so of the area if you enter from the North-Easternmost point. All I need now is to remember what to look out for. Did you know that the base of a Manticore's tail is extremely sensitive?" She pointed to the miniature representation of said monster in her book. "It says here that it's considered to be a defect in the species, and that it's best not to apply any acute pressure to it, otherwise you could end up with a very grumpy Manticore on your hooves- er- hands."

"The more knowledge the better, I suppose. How much more preparation do you think you need? I'd like to head in before the day's over. I don't think I could stand waiting another week for the action to start."

"Action? What-"

"Never mind that. Can we head out within the hour? You said you wanted to come along to make sure I'd be fine, but I'm not letting you hold me up."

Truth be told, I was extremely hesitant to leave without her aid, but I couldn't let her know that. You know what they say about supply and demand...

Twilight looked between me and her open book, but before she could decide what to do, Spike came running back with the requested volume, which was as large and weighty as anything he'd been carrying around before it.

He dropped it at her feet and breathlessly but proudly announced, "Got it! Man, if I'd know you were going to need it again so soon, I'd have left it on the ground or something instead of putting it all the way back at the top shelf. It wasn't easy, but here ya go!"

Twilight turned to me. "You're not going to do anything extreme on your first trip, right?"

I answered in the negative, trying my best to keep a straight face.

She sighed, but nodded in acceptance, then turned to Spike.

"Well, good news! Looks like I won't be needing it after all."

His jaw dropped. "What? But-"

"I've got just about everything we'll need, I hope, so we're leaving now. Would you mind putting all this back?"

Spike spared a dreading glance at the dozen or so encyclopedias and guidebooks stacked atop the table, and two more for the dozens scattered across the floor.

"Actually, I-"

"Thanks, Spike. Wish me luck!" chirped Twilight, and in a flash she was at the door, saddling herself up with the bags.

Spike stared after her, opened his mouth to say something, but instead collapsed into the nearest pile of books and immediately began snoring his troubles away.

Poor Spikey.

Eh, he's used to it.

You think we'll really be okay going in like this? We don't have much in the way of defensive magic or anything, much less offensive.

We'll figure something out if we need to. We've got the living purple battery. Besides, don't you have a chunk of Twi's memories? I'm sure you've got something on the Everfree in all that.

Animal names, dietary habits, plant descriptions, medical uses of said plants, what's toxic and what's not--all incomplete repositories of information, but still usable.

That's all I need then. I'll charge headlong into the underbrush, you make sure I don't screw up.

That's been the plan all along, hasn't it? Just try not to die. I happen to like this body.

With all the bases covered, I met Twilight at the door and we set off for adventure.

***

"Let me get this straight; You're going to the Everfree Forest?"

"Yes."

"For research."

"Mostly money and a sense of adventure."

"But you know nothing about it."

"It has trees, right?"

"... So you know nothing about it, and that's why Twilight's-"

"That's why I'm going with him, yes."

Rainbow Dash had spotted us heading towards the forest right as she was about to settle down for her early-afternoon, post-lunch-but-pre-mid-afternoon-nap nap. Since she had nothing better to do, she'd decided to trail along and see what we were up to. Having been briefed on our plan, she analyzed the situation and made a sound decision in response.

"Sounds fun. I'm going with."

"Awesome."

Twilight did not concur.

"Dash, this is the Everfree Forest we're talking about here. We're not doing this for fun. This is for serious research and the betterment of our understanding of the various functioning ecosystems within-"

"We're going to hunt some rare and valuable bugs and hope that we don't die trying," I summarized.

"So it's like a treasure hunt?" asked Rainbow, her excitement increased by the passing moment.

"Pretty much."

"It's not a treasure hunt!" seethed Twilight. "It's a dangerous excursion into the unknown..." she blinked twice, "Which, now that I think about it, does sound pretty awesome... But it's dangerous nonetheless!"

"So it's settled!" said Rainbow. "I'm going with you. Don't sweat it, Twi. Nothing will mess with us when Rainbow Dash is around!" She saluted with a confident grin.

Twilight groaned in exasperation, but realized that there was no discouraging her daring friend, so she gave in.

"Fine, but you have to help carry the supplies."

"Easy-peasy."

She flew along with with us until we reached the dark and gaping maw of the forest. Then she landed so that Twilight could toss over one of her saddlebags, which Rainbow promptly secured to her chest. All preparations were complete, so without further ado, we boldly set forth into the unknown.

The entrance to the forest itself had a dark atmosphere that seemed to sap the life out of the world around it. My two pony companions had no issues with just waltzing onto the misty path that only lasted for a few metres before becoming completely overrun by the surrounding foliage. As for me, I didn't really know just how serious the dangers of Equestria would be in reality, so despite my previous convictions, I hesitated at the entrance, but only briefly.

The darkness was foreboding, but I had more than one reason for being there, and would not turn back at the brink of my goal. So I steeled myself, bravely shut my eyes, and stepped into the murky realm of the Everfree Forest. My ankles chilled as the first wisps of low-lying fog curled around them, caressing them, almost as if they wanted me to tread further into the darkened depths.

I shuddered involuntarily.

Somehow, this place looked less uninviting on the show.

Heavens forbid a kid's show fail to project a true sense of abject terror to its audience.

The initial hurdle crossed, I suppressed any lingering sense of dread and pressed on after my companions.

As Twilight and I had discussed on our way there, our plan was to first meet up with Zecora in what was considered to be the 'tame' Everfree. After some guidance from her regarding the dos and don’ts of our trek, we'd move on to the larger, wilder, more dangerous portion of the forest, which was what the whole tangled growth was almost exclusively known for.

From then, we'd go hunting for my targets while also keeping an eye out for any potential threats that I'd have to face solo on future trips. We only had five or so hours left to pull all this off, so I was looking forward to an eventful afternoon.

Man, did I ever get more than I bargained for.

End of Chapter 10

Author's notes now have their own section after chapters? Aint nobody got time fo' dat. >:I
Next few chapters will be shorter, assuming I don't go on a literary rampage and end up ballooning them into something bigger than initially planned (ie, what usually happens). Holidays are a time for inspiration, but not free time. Even so, I'll do my best to keep this schedule running smooth. I am officially out of chapter buffers with this post, so it's time to MANMODE this story and push my production past 1k words a day.

For Faith!
For Justice!
FOR PONIES!

Chapter 11

ADT Chapter 11

The Everfree Forest wasn't that bad. There was the occasional mosquito or gnat, or slithering sound as a scaled body would slip just out of sight into the underbrush, but aside from the general creepy atmosphere, it was pretty much the kind of forest that I was used to.

When I say 'used to', I mean 'used to seeing on television', but it's the same difference, right? While I had been half-fearing, half-hoping for a manticore or hydra around every shadowy bend and dark corner, I instead got a gritty but completely uneventful hike, in which I marched to the tune of Rainbow's snarky voice as she read aloud Twilight's list(s) of supplies, so that the ever-prepared unicorn could be sure she'd packed all the necessities, most of the maybes, and at least two of each 'what if'.

Zecora's hut was a brief ten minute walk from the forests' edge, so it wasn't long before we were at her front door. Twilight raised a leg to knock, but it swung to meet nothing but air. The makeshift wooden frame was pull inwards before it had a chance to connect, revealing none other than the smiling witch doctor we were hoping to meet.

"Hi, Zecora," Twilight cheerfully greeted.

"Good afternoon, Twilight Sparkle, and Rainbow Dash too," the zebra said in reply, getting her first look at me as she did so. "I'd greet your friend as well, but to me, he is new."

Headache. Forming. Rapidly.

What do you have against the intricacies of rhyme? I don't know about you, but to me, it's subli-

I swear to Zeus, if you start that bullshit, I'm going to bludgeon myself till one of us succumbs to brain trauma.

Easy. Easy. Your threat's understood. I'll stop while I'm ahead.

Good... DAMNIT.

Hiding my personal detestation for all things versed, I provided my title.

"Name's Joseph," I told her. "Human. From a far off land that you've never heard about. Here for a new life and exploration. Blah blah blah and all that." Introductions were getting old. "We came looking for some tips on navigating the deeper parts of the Everfree Forest."

Zecora didn't seem to take offense to my curtness, and smiled as she spoke in turn. "To say I've never heard about your kind would be an assumption most accurate, but if it's guidance you seek, I'm sure I can facilitate."

"I knew we could count on you, Zecora," said a grateful Twilight.

The shaman stepped aside to grant us passage through her doorway. "I only try to help, and that's not me being modest.

Now, shall we discuss the Everfree Forest?"

Accepting the invitation, we entered her abode. She had no benches or chairs set up, save for a stool at a table with various pestles and vials for herbal mixing, and a small threadbare cot in one corner. Resourceful the reclusive zebra may have been, but she had clearly not set up her home with much thought given for having company over. Since we had no real place to rest, we simply sat on the mat before the room's center table. Zecora shut the door and came in after us, seating herself on the opposite end.

"Now," she began, "tell me what you lack, and what is already known. I'll do my best to aid your knowledge with my own."

Twilight spoke first. "Threats are what I'm mainly worried about right now. There's limited research material for the forest, which I suppose is the reason for this expedition to begin with. Aside from small dragons, manticores, cockatrices, snakes and the like, what dangers can we expect to run into once we leave the familiar areas of the forest? Is there anything that magic won't be enough to protect us from?"

I think I'm starting to understand exactly why she thought your plan was stupid...

Zecora nodded sagely as she answered. "To concern yourself with the threats of nature is a decision most astute. Your answer is 'Yes', and your fears you should not refute."

Rather than immediately elaborate on what she'd said, Zecora got up and retrieved a large, sealed wooden box from atop one of her many shelves of herbs and medicinal brews. Before three curious pairs of eyes, she pried it open to reveal something that I'm sure none of us saw coming.

"Skeletons?!" I exclaimed in disbelief.

It was stashed full of tiny dead animals, be they the remains of things once furry or slimy, or the empty shells of insects that had long since been dried and preserved.

Rainbow's response was similar to mine, except she jumped straight to my second reaction.

"Awesooooome~!" we said in chorus. Only Twilight, who was less than enthused by the spectacle, failed to join in.

"Zecora, what exactly are these?" she asked, leaning back a generous distance and eyeing the arrangement of over a dozen miniature bodies that were stashed haphazardly within the box, each bone picked clean and bleached white, and each carapace dry and hollow.

"These, child, are the creatures of which you should be wary. Each poses a threat that you would find most scary. For instance..." She selected one seemingly at random and held it up for us to see.

It was one of the many insect specimens, and looked almost like a spider, with emphasis on 'almost'. Know what a 'daddy long-legs' is? It looked almost exactly like one of those, except it had four legs instead of eight. These legs were long, thin, and in life would have held its relatively tiny round abdomen about five inches off the ground even when reasonably spread out. The bulk of the creature was that orb of a body it had, which sported neither eye socket nor antennae. It was completely round and—from what we could see of the outside—smooth as well. The shell itself was a dull brown that seemed to trap the bright afternoon light striking it from outside, and did not glimmer in the slightest. My first impression, beyond the obvious fact that it made my skin crawl, was that it would be difficult to spot in poor lighting conditions that would be inevitable deeper in the forest.

"This," Zecora explained, "is a Harvestite. It may seem harmless now, but alive, it would give you quite a fright."

Twilight's ears perked up. "A harvestite? I've read about those! They're not seen often outside of dark, moist environments that are often too hostile for all but the toughest of animals. If I remember correctly, they're carnivorous insects that scavenge off whatever..." she hesitated, "leftovers... they can find from predators. They're sort of like nature's little cleanup crew."

The way she ended her factorial had an inflection that suggested she found the bugs to be useful, and maybe even a bit endearing. Such foolish notions were soon dispelled.

Zecora nodded approvingly as she continued her lesson. "As usual, you are very well informed, my dear, but you lack vital knowledge that could avert a fate most severe. While what you know is all well and good, there is another side to this creature which must be understood."

She flipped over its body—which had been right-side up till then—revealing a circular segment along the base of the orb. A line split the segment in half, making it look almost like a curved beak. First appearances turned out to be accurate this time, as Zecora demonstrated by prying open what turned out to be its mouth, exposing the hollow cavity within.

"While the harvestite does indeed scavenge, you'll find its true nature to be quite savage. They are hunters, and quite adept at it too. If no easy meal can be found, they'll be quick to make one of you."

She paused to let the two mares shudder at the thought before moving on, "They track in swarms of hundreds, and make use of not web nor sight. What they lack in sense, they make up for with a truly wicked bite. Its saliva carries eggs, you see, and the host within them would be far from your cup of tea. Once a creature is bitten, the eggs are passed on to the victim. The larvae within then hatch, the host they soon dispatch. I will not scare you with the details of what they do, but know that once they are in, there is not much hope for you. I believe that when it comes to safety, prevention is second to none, and so my advice is that, should you meet this animal, you'd do best to run."

"'Run'?" I repeated incredulously. "That's your big advice? Run? You tell us about a pack of hunting spider-things that catch their prey by injecting living parasites to do Celestia-knows-what to them from the inside out, and your counter is running away?"

She held up a hoof to stop me. "Calm yourself, Joseph, for that was merely simplest route to take. I've yet to say what to do, should you fail to escape. The harvestites' want for dampness is not one of pleasure, but rather a necessary safety measure. When exposed to heat, their eggs begin to die, and their bodies fail them as their innards fry."

"So you're saying we have to burn them alive?" asked Twilight, looking more than a little green.

"Not necessarily," corrected the experienced shaman. "Even the smallest of blazes will cause them to flee."

"Well that's one problem taken care of," I said. "Now about the rest..."

That had been one animal. One freaking threat to look out for. It was essentially a giant spider, that hunted in swarms like ants, and killed its prey like wasps. As far as I was concerned, that was nothing but nightmare fuel, and that was just one of the things we'd have to deal with.

We were in for a fun trip.

Zecora replaced the carcass in the box, and picked up yet another of the mummified remains. This time it was a normal (I use the term loosely) set of bones, instead of a hard exoskeleton. The new animal had been about the size of a large hamster, with the shape to match. There were a few key differences though, the most noticeable of which was the fact that it had wings. It also had a clearly distinguishable head, with a fanged mouth to top it off. And then there were its relatively long legs, each of which ended in... Miniature hands, with opposable thumbs on each one. All things considered, I only had one thing to say in response to the sight of this new monstrosity.

"Oh boy..."

"What you see here is the Similian. While the harvestite seeks sustenance, this one seeks fun. They come often as one, but sometimes as many. They'll steal anything that they can, be it food, clothes or even money. But do not relax because of its mischievous intent, for a lack of supplies could turn your trip into and most tragic event."

"And to deal with them?" Twilight asked, who cast a protective glance towards her saddlebag.

Zecora chuckled and pointed to the one horn in the room. "Magic can rid you of a Similian with ease. They'll be sent tumbling by even the slightest breeze. They are made for the forest, where there is little air flow. Change the air currents, and away they will go."

I take a closer look at their hands and understand. In the immortal words of Foghorn Leghorn: I say, "I see. Their hands are more suited for grabbing onto things than walking along a flat surface, so if they're on airborne or on trees, they're completely stuck."

Rainbow snorted. "Similia Schmilian. These things sound like nothing but chumps. Real fliers don't care about a little bit of turbulence. I think we can handle them, no trouble! Show us a real challenge!"

Please don't...

Zecora, however, was quick to comply. We spent the next hour going over species after deadly species. When the box of small dead animals proved insufficient, she resorted to vivid descriptions of the larger predators out there, and not one was related to my targets. Only when we were sufficiently terrified of the things that lurked in the shadows did she decide that we were ready.

Were we ready? Let me tell you that I did not feel prepared to face a lycan, or any of the equally horrible things she'd told us to look out for. Twilight looked just as nervous, but also somewhat curious to see the mysterious devilbeasts in the flesh. Rainbow was another case entirely. She went as far as to fake a yawn when it was over, just to prove her toughness. If any of the grisly imagery had shaken her, she gave no sign.

Where did that leave me? About to be shown up by two girl ponies a full two feet shorter than me? Fuck no. I did what a real man would do; Hid my shaking hands behind my back, and my unsureness behind a steely grin. If they could do it, so could I, right?

As far as our increased preparedness went, the brilliant Twilight had come up with a way to help avoid incident altogether. For every suggested deterrent and preventative measure given to us by Zecora, she'd come up with a spell that would project an illusion of the specific conditions to select minds. After organizing over two dozen of these protective enchantments, she then threaded them together into a conditional matrix that would envelop our group while we walked. The moment an unwanted specimen entered the field, the illusion specific to that species would activate and be imprinted on the mind of that creature alone, hopefully scaring it off. On a whole, her idea was more energy efficient than manipulating the elements themselves to achieve the same effect, and as a bonus, the environment would suffer no adverse side effects from simple illusions.

That took care of all the tensing and fretting. We lacked a true game-plan, but we had goals. Twilight and Rainbow both got to see the pictures of the insects I was on the lookout for, so all that was left was to travel onwards and hope that we find them soon. If all went well, I wouldn't even have to worry about coming back alone the following day.

We gave Zecora our thanks and headed North East, which she had told us was the quickest path into the wild Everfree. We'd offered her a chance to join us, but she had commitments to fulfill to Ponyville residents who had paid for her herbal remedies and supplements, and so hadn't had the time to accept. She had, however, asked me to procure some Rumroot for her. It was a natural anesthetic and relaxant that grew a respectable distance away from her home, and in less hospitable conditions than she was used to. Those conditions meant that she would have to commit time if she wanted to get it herself, and as explained, time was something that she didn't have. Eighty bits for a couple pounds was more than worth it, so I was happy to accept.

For a while after departing, the path we took was wide and, for the most part, clear. It did gradually close up, and get darker to the point where sightings of the sky were few and far between, but we met nothing of interest. In fact our only previous quibble with the forest, which had been the mosquitoes and other parasites that were constantly trailing us, was no longer an issue. In coming up with her anti-death-by-everything spell, Twilight had gone the extra mile and implemented a repellent for the tiny bugs as well. The moment any of the inch-long mosquitoes, or roaming ticks, or any of the other nuisances got within ten feet of any one of us, they'd spaz out as if suddenly exposed to intense flame, and beat a hasty retreat.

Because of the lack of effort required in this part of the journey, it's safe to say that it was actually somewhat relaxed. Relatively speaking, of course. I mean, what's crossing twenty feet of raging rapids via the unstable and rotting trunk of a fallen tree while being piggybacked by a lanky unicorn that's too nervous to risk the unstable footing herself? How big a deal it narrowly evading stumbling into a patch of giant carnivorous plants? What are these trivialities, in comparison to something life-threatening, like what we encountered about twenty minutes into the second part of our hike?

***

We trudged along through the progressively darker forest at a steady pace. The many scrapes and bruises earned along the way from one or more we'd encountered obstacles had our bodies sore, but had left our spirits undampened. Between my back-to-back wisecracks and Rainbow's insistence on laughing in the face of danger, the forest hardly seemed as fear-inducing as I'd initially expected it to be.

Even so, when the sunlight being filtered through the gaps in the leaves above began to thin out and because a scarcity, we found ourselves talking less and less, eyeing the shadows more and more often as sounds of various animals, which had previously been simple background noise, seemed to draw nearer, increasing in both clarity and frequency with each passing minute, almost as if the sources of the sounds were trailing us. We tried our best to ignore them, putting our faith in Twilight's protection spell to keep everything at a safe distance from us.

That faith was was brought into serious question when the improvised trail we were following was crossed by an rarity in such a diverse environment; A plain leopard, no signs of magical influence or crossbreeding visible. That in itself what's such a big deal, because I'm sure any one of us could have handled a jungle cat, but the thing is that it didn't simply walk into view. It leapt out of the side-brush without warning, kicked up a flurry of leaves upon landing, looked left and right in a panicked frenzy, made brief eye contact with us, and practically flew off in the same direction it had been initially running.

At first I thought that Twilight's spell had saved us some trouble, since that was its first real test aside from insects, but the leopard had been in a state of fright even before it showed up. We breathed a sigh of relief and resumed walking, but when that realization hit me, I couldn't shake the nagging suspicion that it wasn't us that it had been running from. I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary alarm, so I kept my worries to myself. Still, I kept glancing left and right as we walked, wondering what was hiding, if anything at all.

We found out soon enough.

Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw one shadow two shades darker than the ones surrounding us silently break off from the rest and meld out of sight. It was difficult to tell if I'd seen true, since by the the illumination from the sun was poor and our only source of light was a glowing sphere that Twilight had conjured. It was only bright enough to allow us to traverse the rocks and fallen trees without tripping over them, so anything beyond our immediate range of sight was heavily obscured. With the lack of vision and potential of a stalking predator looming over us, I decided it would be best to pause and do some observing until we had a better grasp of our surroundings.

I stopped suddenly, and the ponies following my lead were quick to follow suit. Their hoofsteps came to rustling halts against the carpet of fallen leaves and moss that covered the floor of the Everfree.

"What's the matter?" asked Twilight, showing some concern as my reason for stopping wasn't yet clear to her. Her pen ceased scribbling observatory notes into the notepad hovering below it as she awaited my response.

"Yeah. Why'd you stop?" reiterated Rainbow in her usual impatient tone. "Did you spot one of those bugs we're looking for?"

"No," I told her quietly, "but I think saw something else. Try not to make any noise for a while. Just listen."

They obeyed, one willingly and the other reluctantly. We stood there in silence for a minute, then two, but heard nothing aside from the chitters of birds and insects hiding in the foliage, and the occasional far off chatters of what may have been monkeys or parrots. I kept my eyes focused on the green-tinted shadows before us, hoping to catch a glimpse of whatever large form I'd seen slipping between the silhouettes of the trees moments before, but I couldn't make out a thing.

The seconds dragged by tensely, and as much as I have loved to relax and forget I'd seen anything, I was reluctant to do so, considering the potential cost if I was wrong.

Rainbow Dumbass Dash, on the other hand, saw the time spent silent as time wasted, and just as I was about to make a tentative suggestion to back away slowly...

"Geez Louise! Come on already! Why're you two getting all worked up? Twi's got her repelling thing up, right? I'm sure if there was anything there, it would've already-" and in keeping with the true spirit of ironically timed bullshit that happens in my life, that's when all Tartarus chose to break loose.

The very second I turned politely request that Dash to shut her Apple-pie hole, there was a mighty roar and an explosion of wood and leaves behind me. Twilight shrieked and Rainbow yelped in surprise, but before I could so much as turn my head to see what had caused the commotion, something flat and hard struck my back with enough force to not only lift me off the ground, but send me flying several feet into the solid trunk of the nearest tree.

I would have shouted, sworn, and cried out in pain all out at once if I'd had the ability to do so, but the lack of warning and the sheer power behind the attack left me gasping for breath on the forest floor, vision blurry and head reeling.

"Joseph!" I heard Twilight's muffled call, before an abstract burst of violet light alerted me to the sudden and violent use of magic.

I did my best to shake off the confusion and ready myself for combat before I or either of my companions ended up hurt, or worse.

HEY! Contrary to what the movies say, shaking your head does NOT help rid yourself of potential concussions. Stay the fuck still and let me steady your nerves, and I don't mean that figuratively! You took one hell of a hit just now. Be glad the trunk was round and somewhat pliable, otherwise you'd be in some serious trouble.

Well... I let Casper handle that whole 'shaking off the confusion' part. Anyway, when my eyes were finally able to focus, I was greeted by a spectacle that would have seemed awesome under literally ANY other circumstances, but was actually a nightmare to be facing in the flesh.

It was a manticore. Let me stop you right there and say that it wasn't the cut-and-paste variant with a lion's head, dragon's tail and whatnot; We didn't get off anywhere near that easy. What had ambushed us had the trunk of some large predatory cat, but also the head and massive forearms of a gorilla, the primed tail of a scorpion, and the tough, scaly wings of a dragon clamped down to its back.

It was big, and I mean huge—ten vertical feet of solid muscle, fur and bared fangs. It was angry, and the only things that came out of its mouth were spittle-filled roars and screams of impotent rage at its inability to land a single blow on either of its targets.

Twilight was hiding behind a translucent bubble of magic that she'd projected over herself to protect her from the deadly strikes being rained down by the beast towering above her tiny form. The glinting point of the barbed tail glanced off the shield ineffectively, leaving not a scratch on its glowing surface, which only served to further enrage the monster.

Rainbow was taking a more active approach, flying around and delivering rapid flurries of powerful but apparently ineffective kicks wherever she could reach on its massive body while dodging every sluggish haymaker sent in return. She danced about in mid-air with teeth grit and eyes focused, deftly darting to the left or right with less than a fraction of a second to spare between each punch and sting sent her way.

While she was having no trouble evading it on her own, the low-hanging canopy restricted her movements, and the darkness had her relying more on her ears to avoid the attacks than her eyes, which, due to the sparse sunlight, had to make use of the feeble glow being cast by Twilight's magic to navigate between vines and branches. She was safe for the moment, but would need help soon, and Twilight wasn't being given a chance to interfere because of the constant pressure being applied to her as well. The only one who seemed to have evaded the manticore's attention was me, and so I was the only one capable of intervening in the hopes of fixing the mess that I'd dragged the two of them into.

Well... Fuck.

What do you plan on doing? Fun and games are all fun and games till a pony gets maimed.

I... I'll think of something.

Despite my intentions, I couldn't bring myself to move from my fallen position against the very tree I'd been flung into. I could only watch on with a sick mixture of wonder and dread as the manticore continued to assail Rainbow and Twilight, and it was clear from the start which of the three would outlast the others. Hint: It wasn't the pint-size ponies.

Against such a fearsome opponent, what could I possibly do to help?

Well?

I'm thinking! What the hell am I going to do?

You've got three options-

I'm NOT leaving them.

You've got two options: Use your superhuman strength and agility to defeat the beast in unarmed combat...

Anything that doesn't involve having my ass handed to me in several pieces?

... Or, you could use that magic you've been so conveniently blessed with.

How?! I can barely lift a pound of plastic off the ground. Heck, even to use that defragmentation spell from yesterday takes too much time, focus and energy for me to even consider it, not to mention the fact this this thing's a thousand times bigger than that cube was, and ALIVE.

Who said you had to use something so intricate? You've got the most practice with mental manipulation. Go with your strengths.

'Strength', singular, but I get the point. I’ll try it. Ready the runes for connection, and have something at the ready as a fail-safe, should anything go wrong.

The best thing I’ve got is a spell for reflection, courtesy of Twilight, which is essentially what she’s using right now. While you could technically charge and use the spell, know that she has years of practice and a veritable well of energy to draw on in order to power something that involves equal exchanges of momentum. You try something like this against something like that, and you'll likely end up fainting after a single hit to your barrier, assuming it doesn't outright fail and end up getting you killed, that is.

It's a last resort, I get it. I don't exactly have a whole lot of options. If they die, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'll bring that thing down, or die trying.

Runes at the ready. Standing by for infiltration.

With my intent already at the forefront of my mind, I shut my eyes, focused, and pushed my aura outwards. It was easier than any prior attempt, and it responded to my will like an invisible muscle. My adrenaline-fueled alertness all but trivialized the effort required to expand my awareness to the full twenty feet needed to cover not only the distance between me and my two companions, but the entirety of the beast as well. As my aura expanded, I became aware of the fact that there were very few active minds in the area, and even those presences were receding fast. Whether or not the majority of animals had fled upon hearing the roars of the manticore, I could not tell—I could only be grateful for it, because it meant that I could focus on my task without fear of any other external interruptions.

Rainbow kept on flying about, unaware of what I was about to attempt. Twilight, however, flinched beneath her barrier as my mind overlapped hers, and she physically looked towards me. I could literally feel the questions as they crossed her mind, but she said nothing, instead choosing to trust me and hold out as well as she could while I did what I had to.

With my field set up, I began to narrow my attention down to the turbulent mind of the manticore raging before me. Whereas everything I'd interacted with thus far had been relatively calm, and had their thoughts in some semblance of order, the manticore was—for want of a better term—a whole other animal.

Its thoughts and emotions were in an utter tempest, with no reason in sight. Its inner voice spoke not English or Equestrian, but was instead a raw pull of vivid images, instinct and emotion, and at that time, the manticore had the overwhelming desire to do nothing but attack, attack, attack—till everything in its path was rendered to nothing but blood and bones and it could feast on its kills without opposition. This creature got what it wanted through brute strength, and the fact that it had survived till adulthood against all competition was a testament to its power.

In this strength, I was beginning to see the possibility for a plan that would save us all with minimal effort on my part. All I needed to do was-

I just thought of something.

What? Now?! I’m sort of busy here...

This could be of use to you.

I’m listening.

The manticore lives here, in the forest. It looks like it has for a good many years. Something with such a huge appetite must get around, which means...

... That it would know where the insects are! I get where you're going with this. Alright, let's see...

It was a quick and simple procedure, thankfully. I envisioned the individual insects and projected them as visual stimulus to the animal's mind. The images sparked connections in its memory, and the manticore’s mind unconsciously reacted with several images of its own, even if they were somewhat blurry due to lack of focus on little details. These memories told me in what directions relative to our current position the insects could be found. As an added benefit of thoughts being ingrained with instinct, I learned via a blurry recollection of pain that the blue beetle was not to be trifled with. There were no details as to why, other than the memory of being injured in some way, but that had left enough of an impact on the animal’s mind for it to not want to relive the experience.

And so within the span of a few seconds, I’d found us a lead. I got to see the most hassle-free routes to take to our destinations, so the risk of further attacks would be minimized. I'd say stolen information was a fair trade for the hit I'd taken. With that in my back pocket, it was back to finding us away out of the situation.

It was a good thing that I finished when I did, too; After minutes of frantic flight, Rainbow had one close call too many, and one hairy trunk of an arm grazed her wing. It was only a brush, but the wind displaced by its strength and speed was enough to send her spiralling out of control. One second she was flying acrobatically this way and that, the next she was crashing into a heap on the leafy forest floor. The fall didn’t seem to phase her, but by the time she’d righted herself to take off again, she found herself forced to the earth by a massive looming maw, already descending to finish the job.

There was no time left. I’d analyzed the beast's blind, dumb anger and brutish self-confidence, and I’d seen weakness. I saw the firmness of its belief that none could stand against its fists and mighty tail, and in the face of this fearsome opponent, and in desperation, I laughed.

"HAH!" I shouted aloud, grabbing the attention of all present. The manticore froze in place mere feet from the petrified pony, and its head snapped to face me with a thundering yell that screamed ‘Shut up! I’ll deal with you after.’ Rainbow slowly let out an impossibly deep breath that she had been holding and craned her head my way with a wide-eyed stare. I didn’t have time to be concerned about her or Twilight, though. That call had been close enough, and my focus had to be entirely on the lummox between us.

"That's it?" I asked the creature, of course getting no form of recognition in return from its dull gaze. "That's what I'm so afraid of?! A two ton sack of meat with more muscle than brain? You're a joke!"

Despite my verbal activity, I was still holding fast to its mind. With the simple insertion of a new element—one that neither fought nor tried to escape, but stood unguarded to challenge it—the anger quickly turned to irritated confusion. What I realized upon seeing its single-mindedness was that the simpler the mind of the creature, the simpler the reasons behind the decisions made, and by extension, the easier it would be to influence. Its stimulus consisted only of prey and competition for that prey, both of which, upon recognition, it would promptly beat till they were beyond recognition. What was I, then?

I had been struck first, but I remained to face it once more. I stood fast, and unwaveringly met its eyes. I was shouting at it, and though the words themselves were not understood, the aggressive nature of them was. These facts were enough to plant me firmly in the category of 'competition', and it didn't take long for the glorified ape to come to that conclusion.

With a mighty battle roar and drumming of its chest, it charged, knuckle over gnarled knuckle propelling its colossal black bulk towards me. Twilight immediately dropped her field and began working up the magic to save me in some way, but she didn't even get a chance. Before any of us could comprehend it, the manticore was towering directly above me. Any feeble light that had still been reaching me through the dense leaves above was completely blocked out, leaving me in almost pitch blackness with nothing to look at but the gleam of its smoldering eyes and bared fangs.

It raised a boulder of a fist to crush the tiny challenger with impunity...

And I laughed once more.

Its hand did not descend to end my life. On the surface, I seemed to be engaged in a simple stare-down with the manticore—a test of wills. In truth, however, I was flipping trigger after trigger in its brain, introducing it to something completely alien; Fear.

I posed no threat to it, and it could have killed me with so much as a careless swat, but it didn't need to know that. It did, however, know that most things were afraid of it. I could tell from its stream of thought and the many scars crisscrossing its wide chest that had met near-equals before, and triumphed though a mixture of sheer bone-headed determination and natural endowments. The moment it decided I was challenger, there was a predatory instinct that cropped up in its subconscious mind. For prey, the instinct was to kill and eat. For an opposing animal—for me—it was 'kill or be killed'. For that instinct to have any significance to the manticore, there needed to be an understanding of what failure was, and a subsequent fear of that failure to make it relevant.

That tiny but significant spark was all I needed. It did know fear, even if it had never truly experienced it. Luckily for the manticore though, I am a firm believer in learning through experience, and I felt that it would do well to learn something on that day, so that perhaps it wouldn't make such poor conversation in the future. The moment it had determined that I represented danger, and its fighting instinct surfaced, I fixated on that one nugget of understanding and magnified it. To fully put myself in the shell of one so dim-witted would have been a chore, and not worth the effort. What I did was use a single tendril of my consciousness to nudge its will in the desired direction, rather than dominate it outright. Then in that one corner of my mind, I made myself afraid. I put myself in the shoes of a terrified creature that was about to meet its untimely demise at the hairy hands of a terrifying monster (Wasn't that hard). I trembled and cowered in that one pocket of conscious thought, and then I linked that reaction to the manticore's instinctual understanding of fear—fear of losing, and dying.

It froze, its glaring eyes losing their angry heat and instead taking on a shining glimmer of something unfamiliar to the beast. Its fist slowly unclenched as it stared at me for several silent seconds, internally trying to sort through the stream of new emotion. It briefly clenched its teeth, and I momentarily feared that my ratched plan was about to fail catastrophically, but instead it let out a snort of acquiescence, turned tail, and lumbered off into the forest without so much as a glance back. Twilight and Rainbow had been in the midst of preparing to launch their own assault to save me, but when the ape just gave up and walked away, they stared open-mouthedly at the miraculously unschated human it had left behind.

Rainbow was flabbergasted, and possibly a little disappointed as well, judging from the way she reluctantly dropped the stick she’d hastily snatched up to use as a club. “What? Why’s it running away all of a sudden?” she asked.

“Magic and intelligence trumps physical ability any day, my friend.” I shakily told her, wiping my brow clean of sweat that I’d only just noticed streaming down the sides.

"I tell her that all the time," Twilight said with a smug grin. "I don't know how you did it, but you can tell me later. Right now, I think it's best that we be on our way."

"Actually, I have good news for both of you," I declared.

“You’re going to chase down that manticore and let me teach it what-for the right way?” Rainbow asked, her wings abuzz with excitement.

“HAH! No.”

"You’re calling it all of and and letting us go back to Ponyville?" Twilight guessed hopefully.

"Nope!" I happily declined. "I looked into the manticore's mind and found out where the insects live, and how to get to them. We just need to snatch a couple of each, and then you're free to go."

Twilight gave a familiar groan of annoyance, but nodded reluctantly.

"The sooner this is over, the better. So, where are we headed?"

“The beetle is quicker to get to from where we are now,” I told the two of them. “And I have even more good news! Because of where it lives, we’re in for a pleasant change of scenery.”

Rainbow quirked her head and Twilight narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “What do you mean by ‘pleasant’?”

“How do crystal caves sound to you?”

A selfish moron that can do magic, a selfish moron that flies, and an unofficial S-class wizard that doesn't even want to be here, wandering around sharp and jagged crystalline formations. Do you see anything wrong with this picture?

Stop worrying. What could possibly go-

DON'T SAY IT.

End of Chapter 11

The world didn't end today. Now I have to actually bother doing my School Assessments. -_-

Anyway, for those who missed the blog post, I didn't update yesterday because of an overnight 'Here's to Hoping' End-of-the-World party/Birthday get-together with some friends. I feel that some parts of this chapter (*cough*ZECCHY*cough*) may be rough, but bear in mind that this is my first real attempt at writing anything, so it's largely a learning experience for me, and I can only improve if you, the viewers, let me know when I misstep.

I'd like to give a big thanks to Jorofrarie for assisting in proof-reading for this chapter, along with every single one proceeding the first two. He's endured many a grammatical error or story inconsistency to ensure that you all get the best this lazy author has to offer. It's a shame we live on opposite ends of the Earth, though, because time zone differences are a BITCH when editing (11 hour difference OP).

I plan on sticking to Friday as my new update day, as I'm already here. My reasoning? I want it to look like my delayed chapter was completely planned. ._.

See you all next week, assuming the world doesn't really end before then/I get a magic closet for Christmas. :3

Cheer- Wait, I have one better.

*ahem*

MERRY KWANZA!!!!

Much more appropriate and racially sensitive. :D

P.S: I don't need no section for Author's Notes. How will people downloading this to their phones get to read all my ramblings?

Chapter 12

ADT Chapter 12

"Are we there yet?" she asked for the thirty-seventh time.

"Shut up," I told her.

"Are we almost there yet?" she asked for the twelfth time.

"Shut up." I said once more through grit teeth.

Rainbow snickered at my irritation and performed a tight somersault overhead, narrowly avoiding every leafy branch and vine in her way. "Hey, it's not my fault you two saps can't fly. I'm bored with all this slow hiking. Just tell me where these caves are and I'll be there in ten—no—three seconds flat! I promise I'll wait up," she added with a wink.

I pinched my forehead, sighing as Rainbow Dash's lack of patience began to grate on my own. "Rainbow, believe me when I say that, were I able to do that, I'd have sent you on your merry way a while back. However, as Twilight and I have tried to explain over and over, the forest's canopy is too dense. You wouldn't be able to make out the cave entrance from up above-"

"Blah blah blah~" she mimed a pair of flapping lips with her hooves. "Quit yer yammerin’ and just point me in the right direction. Some dumb trees aren't enough to get me lost!"

I said nothing. Despite how desperately I wanted to let her learn the hard way and end up far removed from my presence, that would have meant putting her life on the line, and my conscience prevented me from doing something so selfish.

By 'conscience', I of course mean 'Twilight Sparkle', who had shut me down with a stern glare or curt cough every time I'd been about to give in and let Rainbow have her way. She wasn't overly perturbed by the pestering pegasus. Not only was she used to her obnoxious personality, but she was also thoroughly distracted with making a detailed list in her field journal which recorded our every travel decision, along with several side notes regarding the various sights (read: terrors) of the forest. She didn't have to deal with the confined and increasingly restless pony left with no outlet for her energy under the uneven roof of leaves and wood that lay spread out over us and obscured all but the tiniest glimpses of sun and sky.

Luckily, the cave system we were headed to wasn't more than three or four miles away from where we'd had our little incident with the manticore. Even so, those few miles passed like ten, due to the sheer number of obstacles that lay in our land-bound path.

It also didn't help that Twilight's shield had one fatal flaw, which was that it couldn't work on more than one species at a time. A cockatrice and a massive snake are duking it out for the right to eat the loser. Who wins? The answer is 'the one who gets sabotaged by a stray unicorn's spell last'. On that note, if you ever find yourself in the position of being a snake who's in the process of eating a still twitching cockatrice corpse, do yourself a favor and start from the tail. I cannot stress this enough.

Where was I?

Oh, right. Annoying blue pony.

Well, I'll cut a long rant short and tell you that the good news is that we arrived at our destination without dying, and without having used any of our survival supplies. The bad news is that we couldn't have used these supplies even if we'd needed to, because Twilight made the brilliant decision to give Rainbow her bag when we needed to descend a particularly steep cliff on our own. Our friend—the pegasus, that had wings, mind you—decided to help by grumpily flying herself to the base of the cliff face and watching us climb down on our own.

That in itself wouldn't have been so bad, since we handled ourselves just fine, but she couldn't leave fate completely untempted; She put the bag down, on the ground, and then turned away from it so that she had her forelegs free to continue not helping us. How was that a bad decision? Remember the Similian? Want to take a big fucking guess as to what made a brief appearance, then disappearance, when everyone present was too distracted to notice?

So yeah, we made it, but with nothing save for the container that Cashmere had given me, and a small burlap sack which I'd stuffed to the brim with the Rumroot that Zecora had asked for, both of which were secured to my back at all times by the rope provided with the sack. Even Twilight was feeling the slightest bit murderous by then, because her journal had been in her bag. It could have all been avoided if she'd just let me kill off Rainbow from the start, but the silly pony had to learn her lesson the hard way.

Anyway, we reach the crystal caves...

***

"Is that it up ahead?" asked an out of breath Twilight.

Rainbow visibly perked up for the first time since she'd lost our everything. "What? Where? We're finally here?"

I shut my eyes momentarily and checked the mental images I'd gotten from the manticore. The area had been pictured as being slightly less dense with trees, with the cave entrance jutting a good distance further out from the earth than it actually did, but it was clearly the right place. In an environment with so many extreme factors, significant changes in the span of a relative few years were nothing to be overly surprised about.

"That's them," I confirmed with a breath of relief. "We just go in, find this thing, and move on to the next one. It shouldn't take too long."

"That's music to my ears," muttered Twilight as we came to a stop at the entrance to the rock formation, which was essentially a large gaping hole in the ground that opened into a tunnel that descended at a relatively gentle angle into the dark bowels of the Everfree.

It would have appeared a regular, boring cave of doom, if not for the twinkling azure crystal formations along the ceiling and walls. They captured what little sunlight there was to be found from the outside and reflected it between each other in such a way that it bounced from rock to glimmering rock. This caused each and every one of the crystals to glow slightly, providing an eerie bluish illumination for the cave system that went on for quite some distance before fading into obscurity.

Where there were crystals, there was light.

"This is beautiful..." murmured Twilight as she looked around at the sparkling gems with wide eyes full of wonder.

"This is a death trap," I corrected her, running a finger along the edge of the nearest jutting stone and receiving a thin cut with only the barest amount of pressure. "I hardly think a trip or stumble into one of those rocks will be a pretty sight."

She tsked and shook her head. "It's one thing to be cautious, but there's no harm in appreciating the beauty there is to be found all aspects of nature. Princess Celestia taught me that."

"Did she also happen to teach you any decent healing spells while she was at it? You know, for times when you lack the supplies to take care of yourself?" I looked pointedly at Rainbow Dash, who at that moment decided to take a fancy towards the rocks herself.

"Well... No," said Twilight, "but that's not the point."

I spat a laugh as I stretched my sore joints after the hours of walking and climbing. "I get what you're saying, but I'm saying that those lessons are easy to teach when you're high up in that cosy palace. When you're in a place this dangerous and unpredictable, some more practical advice would be preferable. Knowing how to 'admire the sights' won't keep us alive."

Twilight said nothing, which meant that either she'd realized I was right and was considering my words, or that she simply didn't want to antagonize my already foul mood with further protest. I was fine with either of the two, and didn't press for a response.

And so, with no ceremony or conversation, we began our descent.

***

We descended for some time, keeping our mouths shut and our eyes before us. Our every footstep and hoofstep echoed against the solid rock of the floor and the curved walls of the subterranean system. The cave was by no means cramped, but the ceiling was high enough that the crystals it bore seemed more like flickering candles than the shining rocks that surrounded us.

From the very moment we’d set foot in the caverns, we’d encountered many tiny blue pebbles scattered across the craggy floor. The rocks themselves would have been nothing of note, had they not been completely smooth and even somewhat shiny. I'd inspected one or two closely, expecting to find them wet or even slippery, yet they were completely inert and dry to the touch. Try as she might, Twilight couldn't find a suitable explanation for the oddly textured rocks that covered the cave's floor, so we simply ignored them and continued on our way.

Because of the nature of the glowing gems, Twilight's illumination magic was ten times more effective than it had been in our passage through the forest, since they amplified and focused her light between each other so that a sort of path was formed along where the stones lay. The many rocks, crags and sudden dips between them were illuminated well enough for us to avoid mishaps, and so our progress was safe, if somewhat slow and tedious.

We had not talked since entering, not out of any real necessity, but because the cave itself was already deathly quiet. If anything reared its ugly head in one of the many crevices and dark corners that were void of the bluish light that guided us, we wanted to be aware of it as soon as possible. Even if our eyes failed to detect a threat, however, I wasn’t too worried about being snuck up on; As we travelled deeper and deeper, getting further away from the relative comforts of the surface, we had encountered the pebbles with increasing frequency, till we’d reached the point where the cave’s black floor wasn’t even visible through the strange carpet of azure. They’d had yet to prove themselves an issue, but by then it was impossible to take a step without trodding on one or more of the odd stones and causing a disturbance that rumbled like thunder in the silent atmosphere.

To my utmost surprise, Rainbow was the first to break this silence.

"Where exactly do the beetles live?" she asked after she had tired of marching to anything but the sound of her own voice, "it's been a while, and I don't see anything in here but us."

"I don't know where they hide away," I answered honestly. "All I got from the manticore was information on where to find them. The one in the picture was blue, like the crystals here, so I'm going to hazard a guess and say that they live in somewhat close proximity to the glowy rocks."

Twilight, who was leading the way, spoke up without turning her head or slowing her pace. "Something doesn't make sense, though."

"Hmm?"

"If the manticore's memories led you here, it would have had to seen the beetle much closer to the cave entrance. I doubt something that large would have much reason to come this deep into a cave. There's no food that anything but a dragon would be interested in, and shelter from the elements wouldn't be much of a motivation, not to mention how narrow some of the passages have been. How could it have encountered the beetle near to the surface when we've been walking for almost a full half hour and have yet to see anything?"

"To be fair," I told her, "we haven't seen much of any insects since we left Zecora's, thanks to your..."

We all stopped dead in our tracks, and a round of facepalms and facehoofs ensued.

"The spell!" Twilight cried in frustration. "We forgot about the spell!"

"You mean that all this time, the reason we haven't seen squat is because you've been scaring them off before we even get close?!" hissed Rainbow.

"Twilight," I said in exasperation, "Why would you add the beetle that we're supposed to be looking for to the list of animals repelled by the spell?"

"I didn't mean to!" she protested. "I just blocked out all arthropods. I wasn't even thinking about it at the time."

"Well can you un-block all the arthropods?" I peevishly suggested.

"Alright," she huffed. "but I'll need to get ahold of one of the beetles if I'm going to allow them through the barrier once it's re-activated. It's all or nothing if I don't have an individual specimen to devise runes for."

"I'll get one for you," I promised, gesturing for her to get on with it.

She blinked, her horn flashed brightly in the space of that moment, and we were left standing in the same motionless twilight afterwards. We waited for several seconds, straining our eyes for any signs of the beetles returning from their hiding places, but the first disturbance unexpectedly ending up coming from beneath us.

What I mean to say is: The ground sprouted hair at our feet.

In the space of the time it took for the three of us to look down in shock at what we had so naively taken for inert pebbles, we realized that we'd found our prize, but not in any way that we'd expected to.

What the heck is this?!

Let's see... Blue pebbles everywhere you go. Not a blue beetle in sight. The moment you disable the scare-spell, this happens. If this is any indication of what you've ended up caught in, you'd better cross your fingers and hope that they're not carnivorous.

Yeah. That floor of loose pebbles that we'd been trudging across for the past half hour? Beetles. Rather than run when terrified by Twilight’s spell, they'd just retracted into their shells and pretended to be rocks. The survival tactic had been convincing, to say the least, but now that they weren't being forced to act in self defense, they'd begun doing whatever it is they do to stray animals that they happened to find in their midst.

As bristly legs and heads were withdrawn from shell after shell, I found myself in the unfortunate position of being the only one at any real risk. Rainbow had been quick to find herself fluttering above the shifting mass of carapaces, and Twilight clung to her flying friend for dear life. I'd been left to bravely stand my ground against whatever nature was about to send my way.

"Got room for two up there?" I asked hopefully, doing my best to resist the urge to move, lest I unintentionally send one of the beetles wriggling its way down into my shoes.

"This is about as much as I can carry without any real momentum," answered Rainbow, much my dismay. "But, come on, what's the worst these bugs can do? They're just a little gross. Toughen up, Jo!"

Easy for her to say. For all we know, these things could turn out to have a deadly bite, and have a taste for exotic flesh.

They might also enjoy rending the flesh from their prey with painstaking slowness, so as to prolong freshness. That would be a crying shame.

You suck at being supportive, you know that?

I learned from the best.

In the heat of my irritation, I was momentarily distracted from the swarm at my feet. When I next focused on them, I found that the beetles had formed an irregular circle around the hovering ponies and myself. It wasn't as if they'd planned to surround us or anything—we'd simply ended up in the middle of the lot of them, and they'd all backed off in response.

Even so, being surrounded and outnumbered is never a pleasant experience. Every furry blue body was angled our way, and despite their lack of eyes, they seemed to know full well which direction the intruders lay in. What did they do with this knowledge? Absolutely nothing; After the initial upsurge, they just sat there and stared blindly towards us, bodies fully extracted from their shells but completely motionless. The three of us remained where we were and shared several seconds of panicked breathing as we waited for the inevitable attack, but as time passed and nothing happened, we found ourselves hesitantly relaxing so that we could calmly decide our next course of action before our audience of possibly deadly insects.

"They're not moving. This is our chance!" I declared. I reach out towards the swarm to claim my ticket to temporary wealth, but when not a single insect flinched at my approach, I reconsidered, not wanting to risk a nasty surprise.

I turned to Rainbow Dash. "You do it."

She did a double-take. "Why me? You're the one that wants them!"

"What happened to 'they're just a little gross'?" I mimed. "You afraid of some insects?"

"Normally, I wouldn't be, but I'm not about to go sticking my hoof anywhere near something that hairy."

"I'm sure it's a different story for Applejack..."

"What the hay is that supposed to mean?!"

"Girls!" shouted Twilight, immediately grabbing our attention. She blinked in surprise under our combined attentions before she realized her error and fumbled a correction, "I- I mean, 'guy and girl', I guess? Nng- Whatever! Stop arguing. We're in no position to be wasting time. We know nothing about these insects, and we're completely surrounded by them. Any moment now they could pounce on us."

"And eat us," Rainbow helpfully supplied.

"Or crush us under their combined weight," I offered.

"Actually, they just look really itchy," said Twilight, looking down at them with a shudder. Note that at this time, she was still hanging on to Rainbow's neck as if her life depended on it. I got the sneaking suspicion that she wasn't too keen on spindly, tickly, crawling things. She continued, "Just stand still and let me reactivate my barrier. You can grab however many you want once they've curled up again, and I can filter them out once we reach outside so that they don't spend the whole trip feeling terrified. Now don't do anything that might upset them, because I need to focus for a while. Adding to a spell isn't as easy as removing a part from it."

"Aye aye, captain!" I saluted.

She rolled her eyes. "Rainbow, it's a bit hard to concentrate with you bobbing up and down like this." she motioned to her friend's flapping wings, which were working hard to keep them suspended in the air. "Could you set me dow-" she glanced toward the sea of blue fur and shells surrounding us and hastily reconsidered. "On second thought, I think I'll manage from here."

First thing I'm doing when we get back to civilization is stuffing one of those things in her bed sheets.

She closed her eyes once more, doing her best to ignore outside disturbances, and began working her magic in the most literal sense. Rainbow Dash tried to minimize the vibrations caused by her wings, and I just stood there and patiently waited for Twilight to get us out. A couple minutes is a lot of time to spend doing nothing, though, and very soon I found myself absently looking around at what I could see of the cave without any unicorn light to aid me.

Rock.

Rock.

Rock.

Slightly shiny rock.

Rock...

The minutes passed by like eons. When I tired of the rocks before me, I decided to try my luck with the rocks behind me in the hopes that they would be at least marginally more interesting. I took a step as I turned around-

Crunch

... Fuck.

I winced and looked towards the sole of my foot, finding pulped remains of some anonymous beetle that had thought it smart to settle directly behind me. I glanced at the onlooking crowd of its brethren that continued to stare at us, and was relieved to find that they made no immediate move to avenge their fallen comrade. Instead, for some reason, they began to click their razor sharp mandibles together. It began with a single snapping motion, which was mimicked by two of its neighbors, then the two nearest them. Within seconds, every one of the thousands of beetles was slicing their jaws together, but strangely enough, no noise emerged from them. There was only a quick contraction and reopening of the jaw, followed by endless repetitions of this meaningless act.

Unsure what to think of it, but glad that I hadn't brought about our untimely demise, I turned to Twilight to inquire about the beetles' odd behavior. However, the moment I opened my mouth, both ponies let out sudden shrieks of pain. Rainbow, who had been keeping herself and Twilight aloft, spasmed in the air, causing them both to crash unceremoniously into the now exposed solid rock below.

I looked at them, stunned by their sudden outburst. Any semblance of calm that either had exhibited seconds before was now completely gone, and they were instead writhing against the cold stone, hissing in barely suppressed agony.

"What- Nnng- is that noise?!" Twilight managed to choke out, only just able to pry open an eye to look around.

"Make it stop! Make it- AAAAAAAH~!!!!" Rainbow Dash, the bold and strong, was quick to lose her composure. She openly screamed out, and her cries echoed throughout the cave, rebounding from wall to unfeeling wall and surrounding us in a cacophony of torment.

"What's wrong?!" I asked in rapidly mounting panic. Both my companions were completely incapacitated and clearly suffering intense pain. For all the annoyances and minor grievances I may have had with one or the other, it hurt me to see them like that. "What noise are you hearing?" I yelled when they didn't respond, hoping that my words would be audible over whatever phantom sound was breaking them.

Twilight's mouth opened as if to reply, but her words were stifled by her own soundless scream. In spite of the pain, she managed to shakily point a hoof towards...

The beetles. They continued to snap their mandibles together in a bizarrely silent frenzy, but their pace had increased significantly in the short space of time since they had begun. The flashing blades of natural steel were now a blur at the head of each insect. Each repetition now occurred at such a high rate that the bodies themselves were vibrating where they stood, and still they grew faster. My confusion lasted only a second before I understood what was happening.

It's the vibrations! They're making a high pitched noise with their bodies, matching the frequency of the ponies' bodies and amplifying it until... Oh no.

If you're going to do something, I suggest you do it quickly. When they're finished with your little helpers, you'll be next.

Wasting no time, I took the obvious first course of action and stamped down on the nearest cluster of beetles. The moment I raised my foot to crush another group, however-

"AAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK!"

I suddenly found myself in an unbearable haze of pain. Every inch of my being was on fire in a way that was extremely reminiscent of the initial awakening of my psychic ability, except this time the pain was not one of forced expansion, but of brutal destruction within my body. My eyes, my bones. My nails and even my skin; I felt as though I were being torn apart from within by powerful vibrations, and every part of my body was being mercilessly pulled and pushed against the other.

I struggled to keep myself upright, because with my height, falling would have meant landing bodily on a dozen or more of the insects that had switched their attention onto me. If they could cause that amount of damage from a distance, I wasn't eager to put myself any closer to them.

At least one good thing came of my pain, however, and that was the discovery that the body structures of the ponies and I were sufficiently different that the beetles could not attack all three of us at once. As I found the limits of my endurance for pain being tested, I noticed Twilight and Rainbow Dash rousing themselves out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't bring myself to speak or motion to them, so I could only wait and hope that they would find a way to get everyone out alive, and fast.

Thankfully, it didn't take long for them to act. As one, they leapt to my side and took up positions. Rainbow leaned hard into my back, providing me with support that I wouldn't have even known was needed until it was too late. As I righted myself, Twilight tensed her legs and scrunched her eyes in panicked focus. Despite the urgency of the situation, she managed to cast a somewhat shaky but entirely tangible shield of magic around us. The moment it fully encompassed our cramped circle, and the last gap between us and the screeching beetles had been filled, their sound was completely cut off, and we were once again in total, eerie, exquisite silence.

It was at this point that I realized I had been screaming (Read: Using my battle-cry) the entire time, and promptly cut myself off. As I panted into the tiny safety bubble, I clutched my throbbing skull and looked to Twilight, who was in far better condition for thinking that I could have hoped to be at the moment.

"So what's the plan?" I asked hopefully.

She turned full-circle, taking in the sight of the swarm that surrounded us with nervous eyes. When she spoke, it was noticeable uncertainty. "We need to find a way to block out that noise so we can get away."

"Or we can just shut them up," said an irritated Rainbow Dash, who was scratching her ears as though she could still hear the beetles. "Why don't you finish that spell you were casting?" she asked. "They can't get to us inside here."

"Like I said, it's not that easy to modify a spell once it's been cast. I spent most of the time at Zecora's setting it up to begin with. Adding to it or restarting it entirely would take too much time."

"I think we've got enough time," I croaked. "These are defensive animals. There's no way they'd be able to get through your shield."

Indeed, the smooth violet bubble of energy had steadied and was now standing firm against the continuing external onslaught. The beetles worked as a group to project a chosen tone, and so could only imitate one frequency at a time. Sounds would be warped when passing through the dense magical barrier, and as a result would have no effect on us.

"We're safe," I told her.

She shook her head and said, "For now."

they know

"What do you mean, 'for now'?" Rainbow voiced the question before I could.

"Think about it; They have no eyes and didn't actually touch us. How would what frequency they'd need to vibrate at to affect us like they did?"

Rainbow tilted her head in confusion. "Frequency? Ya lost me, Twi. Mind going that over?"

I gave her a quick rundown, "They snap and shake their jaws together at a certain rate that causes them to shake all over. Noise is generated and amplified by their bodies, and that makes things around them shake really fast as a result. Alone, this wouldn't be an issue, but with this many in an enclosed environment, we're in some serious trouble." Suddenly the idea of the two-ton manticore wanting to avoid these creatures was completely understandable. "To answer Twilight's question, it makes sense that they wouldn't have eyes because they'd be damaged by the intense vibrations whenever the beetle needs to protect itself. I'm guessing that it would instead navigate using an extremely sturdy but sensitive system for hearing, along with echo... location." My mouth had provided an answer before my brain had had a chance to even come up with it.

"That's exactly it," Twilight confirmed, now that we were on the same page, "and they don't just use their echolocation to get around. Once they identify a threat, they match the resonating frequency with one of their own, and using a form of shared awareness through a hive mind, they all synchronize with the base existential frequency of the foreign object and then amplify the rate at which it vibrates, hertchz by hertchz, until-"

"TWILIGHT!"

Rainbow's voice snapped her back to the realm of the non-eggheads. She cut off her frenzied and increasingly verbose explanation and blushed sheepishly.

"Eheh~ Sorry about that. Got a little carried away," she apologized.

"Mind keeping it simple?" Rainbow asked with a smirk. "You said it yourself; We're strapped for time."

Her mind leapt back on track. "Right. Basically, they send out a sound, listen for the echo, and depending on the type of echo they get, they create another sound to respond. It's primarily used for navigating their habitat, but they've turned it into an effective weapon to protect themselves. The point is that my shield won't keep us safe. My magic has a frequency of its own, and once they find it, they'll do to the barrier what they were doing to us just now."

"And once that's gone, we won't have much chance." I finished for her. "It's either you guys run while they focus on me, or vice versa, or we figure a way to save everyone in the limited time we have."

"Nopony's leaving anybody," confuffled Twilight (It means it was friggin awkward to say and confusing to hear). "We're getting out of this together."

"Then what do you propose?" I inquired earnestly, throwing a meaningful look to the barrier.

"Maybe if we're quick enough, we can squash a whole lot of them before they know what's going on," suggested Rainbow, "and then they won't have enough to make a loud enough sound to really hurt us."

Twilight shook her head. "We invaded their home. They're just doing what instinct tells them to. I'm not going to k—squash—anything that doesn't deserve it."

"Or unless you can help it," I supplemented.

"There's got to be another way," Twilight protested with absolute certainty. She shot me a steely glare, and I found myself unable to even suggest taking the easy way out and slaughtering the 'innocent' beetles for our sake.

Damned pony morals...

And what, pray tell, is preventing you from ignoring her and killing them yourself, Mister 'I do what I want'?

It's called 'the looming prospect of Twilight being mad at me'.

Coward.

Hey, if a pegasus can pack moves like Cashmere used on me, I don't want to find out what Miss Potter has hidden in that Elder Horn of hers.

... Fair enough.

"What's your alternative, then?" I asked.

"Yeah, Twilight. I'm seriously not looking forward to going through that again," said Rainbow with a shudder. I winced as well. Simply watching them endure the attack had been painful, to the point where I'd rather wish it upon myself than them.

"Well..." Twilight looked around indecisively, seeking some sort of inspiration that would allow her to spare the beetles. They, on the other hand, hoof or segmented claw, were facing no such indecision when it came to dealing with the intruders.

At that moment, the magic field visibly wavered around us. We directed our gazes outward, and were gratified to see that the crowd of machine-like beetles were still humming away unceasingly, and that the only thing between us and them was now under attack.

Wait. 'Gratified' isn't the right word. I meant to say 'horrified'.

Yeah. That’s more like it.

We were completely fucking horrified.

"Twilight, any time now would be great," I said, backing away from the increasingly unstable bubble of violet.

"I'm thinking. I'm thinking!" she hissed, not even looking my way as she racked her brain for a solution.

Rainbow Dash, rather than back away, reared up on her hind legs and swung her forelegs in challenge, mocking the swarm and daring it to do its worst. While they may not have been able to see or understand her display of bravado, they still made haste to fulfill her request.

Things looked bleak, and every second wasted resulted in the appearance of one hairline crack after another on the surface of the weakening barrier. By then, I had recovered from my ordeal sufficiently enough to consider the possibility of using magic, but what options were there? My energy was waning after a day of physical exertion, and though their minds were simple, the enemy was strong in numbers. The beetles had covered the cave from the entrance all the way down to our current location, and affecting them all at once was out of the question. It seemed that this time we'd have to rely on Twilight's talent to save us. I could only hope that she'd find us a sliver of hope in such a bleak-

"I've got it!" she cried with elation.

"Already?! But... We're not even cutting it close yet! This isn't how it happens in the movies! Where’s the dramatic climax?"

Both ponies stared confusedly at me.

"Huh?"

"... Never mind..." I sighed. I looked to Twilight. "You said you had something?"

She smiled proudly. "Yes, as a matter of fact. I do. It took a bit of imaginative thinking, but I figured out how to beat the beetles, so to speak." She cleared her throat. "I'll make two more magic barriers, but this time they'll be nothing more than floating spheres—one inside the other. If I can get the beetles to focus their attention on that, it could buy us enough time to get back to the surface. Any vibrations that strike the outer sphere would cause it to shake and hit the inner sphere, due to the gap between them being only a fraction of a millimeter wide. The inner sphere would then hit the opposite end of the outer sphere. The vibrations would be offset and the frequency of both spheres would change till they settle, making it difficult for the beetles to find the right frequency to break them. By the time the spheres synchronize with each other and are able to be broken, we'll be safe."

"Nice wall of text," I commented. "Now, any particular reason you're telling us the details instead of making with the magic?"

Twilight lost some of her composure and hesitated before answering,"Well, my plan works in theory, but we still need something to get the beetles to attack the sphere and not us. I have an infatuation spell that would make any living thing obsess over any object at first sight... Except it would affect us as well, and they don't have eyes to begin with."

"So you're saying we're stuck?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Not necessarily," I answered. Both turned to me, and I continued, "You might not be able to, but pretty much all I'm good at is manipulating minds. It'd take some doing, but I'm sure I could get them to ignore us till we reach outside."

"Excellent!" exclaimed Twilight.

"One thing, though," I added as a thought hit me. "How're we going to get all the way to the cave entrance without touching them? Rainbow can't carry me, and the moment any one of us makes physical contact with them, they'd switch focus from the orbs."

Rainbow spoke up, "I can take care of that. I'll just use my wings to blow a path straight through them. The only thing touching them would be the wind, so we'll be fine."

Twilight and I looked at each other unsurely, and paused to consider her proposal. Despite how silly it may have sounded at first, though, we couldn't find any fault in her reasoning.

"That might actually be crazy enough to work," I concluded.

Twilight stamped a hoof resolutely to the ground. "That settles it, then. I'll get to work with the spell. Joseph, Rainbow, be ready."

Without waiting for either of our confirmations, she clenched her eyes and got to business. It took mere seconds for a sphere of magic to materialize and solidify in the air before her, but it wasn't so basic. A hollow bubble would be too fragile for what was required, and so for her spell able to withstand the battering it was about to take, it would need to be not only dense, but solid wherever possible. Thus, while the initial orb was formed with a diameter of several feet, the next stage in the formation process was to contract it till it was no more than a fifth of its original size. The color of the magic darkened significantly as it grew denser, and by the time she was done, it had gone from violet to purple to near-black. Once that had been completed, it was on to the outer casing.

At this point, I stopped paying attention to Twilight. Rainbow was busy stretching her back and wings in preparation, so it was only fitting that I ensured I could handle my own task. While I didn't doubt my own mental capacity, I doubted my body's ability to fuel the effort.

Like I mentioned earlier; An afternoon in the forest without food or rest does not a potent Psychic make.

Hypnotizing the cave's entire beetle population is out of the question. I'll need to find a way to circumvent my own limits if this is going to work.

Or just work with them. Why bother getting technical when the beetles themselves provide you with a channel for influence?

What are you- Oh!

Beetles. Hive Mind. Hive Mind plus Selective Suggestion equals an Easily Manipulated Beetle Population. It really was quite elementary.

The beetles all did the same thing until one or more of their number suggested a new trend, and it was rapidly adopted. If I could force a new trend myself, then I wouldn't have to worry about more than a couple of the insects at a time.

Let's try this.

I relaxed my aura, extending my awareness outward till I encountered-

The magical barrier that Twilight had erected.

Damnit! It keeps me in as well as it keeps them out. I won't be able to influence them from inside here.

In that case, I hope you can develop a fantastic reaction time in the next couple minutes. You've got all of three seconds between the moment that shield comes down and the moment either you or the ponies get your insides torn to shreds.

Entering a trance under pressure is never a fun experience. Can't you just set up one of the macro spells?

Can I burn you out like a battery and leave you unconscious for the next couple hours? Sure!

You're not making this very easy.

I'm an enabler, not a miracle worker.

I sighed, but couldn't deny it. It all came down to whether or not I'd get them before they got me. And as I realized my lack of options, the answer came to me.

Fine. If I can't get them the old-fashioned way, then I'll just take advantage of my current position. They won't even have a chance to react.

And so I began my own preparation. Within the enclosed space, I began to push out as much of my energy as I could muster. In the process, I blocked everything from my mind but the awareness of the orb before me. Imagery wouldn't have been relevant for a creature without eyes, and that actually made my job easier. All I kept in mind was a basic understanding that the sphere was there, along with a secondary urge to ignore everything else. What was nothing more a minor desire to me or the ponies would have been the equivalent of instinct to an animal that could only think of one thing at a time.

My aura was infused with this single-minded intent, and it was prevented from fully expanding by Twilight's magic. Her shield was to my aura what a bottle would be to gas; Pressure mounted, and I kept on pressing as hard as I could. The moment the barrier came down, my energy would rush outwards and over everything in the vicinity, saving me the trouble of having to fixate on any one of the creatures. Lo and behold, I’d finally found a use for the year I’d spent flunking Physics in high school.

By the time Twilight announced that the decoy was ready, I was set for my all-or-nothing bid for freedom. Rainbow said as much for herself. By that point, the shield was only minutes away from being broken, but we saw no sense in delaying the inevitable. Without any fanfare or final words, our escape operation was underway.

Twilight gave us our warning. "I'm taking down the shield in three..."

Rainbow Dash held her wings erect, ready to let loose with a powerful opening gust.

"Two..."

The layered orb of magic floated into position before us.

"One..."

I gave one final mental push-

And our sole protection was whisked away.

The beetles froze momentarily as their focus was broken. We stood in tense silence, waiting to see what would happen.

The beetles found their next target, and attacked without hesitation.

***

"I can see the trees up ahead!"

"We're almost there?"

"About friggin time."

We walked in single file through the sea of almost certain death. Rainbow led the charge, sending the tiny monsters flying left and right with each mighty flap of her wings. Twilight followed close behind, holding a violently shaking orb of magic aloft. I took up the rear, walking in an almost dreamlike state as I struggled to maintain my projected disinterest in both the ponies and myself.

We'd been walking for well over an hour; Almost three times as long as it had taken us to reach into the cave to begin with. It was the longest period of time I'd ever used my fledgling abilities for and I was almost at my limit. Thankfully, the end was in sight.

Left, right, left, right, left...

I counted off the steps, keeping my head down so that I wouldn't be distracted by elation at the sight of the world outside. It was only a good many seconds after I'd made the transition from unyielding rock to fallen leaves and twigs that I realized we were out.

And that was it. We'd passed the last straggling members of the screaming swarm and were home free.

Once we were far enough away to drop our efforts, Twilight did me the favor of levitating a trio of the beetles and sending them over so that I could lock them in the case. No way did we go through all that trouble with the intent to leave empty-handed. She used the live specimens to properly re-enable her protection spell, and we were set to move on.

We of course turned for a final look at the cave and its inhabitants. What had seemed serene and, as Twilight had put it, 'beautiful', at first sight was now bustling with agitated beetles that formed a moving carpet of dark blue carapaces across the rock, but for some blessed reason did not venture into the open environment of the the Everfree Forest. The sky above was significantly darker than when we had descended, and as a result the crystals had lost much of their luster, casting the cave in a darkness that made it seem far more sinister than it had when we first laid eyes on it. It went without saying that the experience had left us with an even more stark understanding of how even the simplest of things within the Forest could conceal living nightmares.

We decided to take a short and well-deserved breather where we stood. While Rainbow was distracted with panting off the heat she had generated from the constant wing-work, I took the chance to ensure that Twilight and I were still on good terms.

I moved over to the tree she had collapsed against to rest after the considerable magic she'd had to sustain. She rasied her head when she heard me approach, and I said what I had to before I had a chance to change my mind. "I'm... Sorry about all this. You were right about the forest being too much to handle alone. If it weren't for you volunteering to come with me, I wouldn't have lasted the first hour."

She accepted the apology with a smile. "To be honest, I didn't fully understand how dangerous it could be here. This is the deepest I've ever been into the forest. I wouldn't have dared come all the way out here for my own sake. In spite of everything, I have to thank you for giving me the chance to learn something more about Equestria."

"Well, I guess we're cool then?" I asked hopefully.

She chuckled tiredly. "Yes, we are." She looked skyward, and I saw a twinkle reflected in her eyes. I followed her gaze and saw that the first stars of the night were peeking out of the darkness. We'd been there far longer than expected. Rather than fret the oncoming darkness, though, I lay besides her and shared the view while I had the chance.

"What now?" she asked after several peaceful seconds had passed between us. It went without saying that if I felt it necessary to continue searching for the second specimen, she wouldn't let me do it alone.

At that moment, I had the most confusing lack of an urge to continue onwards. It had been so long since I'd had any real interaction with others, and yet she was so willing to risk herself for my sake.

Maybe turning in while I'm ahead isn't such a bad idea.

But... Money!

I'd rather find a way that doesn't involve endangering these ponies. I'd hate myself if they got hurt because of me.

You've been here two days and you've already caught The Friendship. For shame.

I'll save my regret for later. For now, let's get out of here.

"Now, Twilight, I think we should head home."

She breathed a heavy sigh of relief, this time making it clear that she'd been hoping for that answer. "Well," she said, "if that's what you think is the best decision, I won't stop you."

There was a sudden thump as Rainbow threw herself down beside us. "Stop him from what?"

"We're headed back to Ponyville, Rainbow," I told her once my heart had stopped racing from her unexpected appearance.

"Sweet. I was starting to get hungry anyway."

That's because YOU lost our freaking supplies!

"Seconded," I said instead.

"That makes three of us," put in Twilight.

We shared a laugh, shook off our tiredness for the time being, and set off for home.

***

“Joseph? I think-"

"Don't say it, Twilight."

"But-"

"I don't want to hear it from you either, Rainbow! You’re the one who lost Twilight’s travel records."

Well you didn’t exactly keep track either.

SHUT UP!

I sighed in painful defeat, but refused to say anything. I just couldn't bring myself to admit it.

We were fucking lost.

End of Chapter 12

Author's Notes:
Whew! It's been a whole month, but I finally got back into my writing groove. First it was Christmas holidays, then a bad case of the flu (That decided to strike the week before school), then there was, of course, SCHOOL. All the back to back distractions, coupled with a nasty case of Writer's Block (Do you have ANY idea how long it took for me to make these beetles seem anything BUT lame?! A FUCKING LONG ASS TIME), held this chapter back longer than I'd initially expected.

For that, I apologize.

Anyway, I'm pretty glad with how it turned out. A HUGE thanks goes out to Dawn Rush (Keep an eye on him) for helping me patch up this chapter at the last minute. For those of you who came for the magic dueling and action, just keep it in your pants for a bit. I already defined character personalities. Now I need to develop a working world of magic with limitations. I'd say the past two or three chapters have properly defined what Joseph is capable of, while also giving an idea of the limits of Equestrian magic. Now I get down to the nitty-gritty.

With regards to my lateness, College is a bitch to deal with when it comes to balancing free time. Unlike College, however, I actually enjoy this, so I'll give it priority whenever possible. I won't say that I'll always be on schedule from now on, because that would be an outright lie, but rest assured that I am always writing with the intent to please fans of the story. No matter how late, the next chapter will always come.

With that settled, I'll go ahead and give some additional details regarding the beetle that I didn't get a chance to discuss appropriately in the chapter. If you're not interested, skip the next two paragraphs:

For starters, its mandibles are made of a dense natural mineral that is not only dense, but an amazing conduction of vibrations. These, along with its stiff body hairs, pick up even the slightest movements in the air, while also allowing the beetle to generate vibrations of its own. The sounds themselves are generated initially by the mandibles, transferred to a hollow chamber that surrounds its skull. In this chamber, the vibrations are amplified and then sent back out again, assuming the beetle decides to respond with a vibration of its own. The beetle can modify the frequency by limiting or increasing how much its body shakes while the vibrations pass through it, either lowering or raising the pitch of the sound upon release.

On their own, they use these powerful vibrations not only to navigate, but to break apart their food (The crystals in the cave) for consumption. Over time, as they collectively tunnel through the cave in search of more deposits, the cave is expanded and its structure is changed relatively often, hence why the manticore remembered a different version of the cave than what they found (The main swarm existed much closer to the surface back then). Because of their diets, their bodies are naturally resilient, and indistinguishable from rock when they curl up. Only when they are fully uncurled and spread out are they susceptible to being crushed, which is why they were able to survive being walked on initially, but could not survive being stepped on by Joseph afterwards.

I think that covers much of what people would be interested in regarding those monstrosities.

That's about all I can think to say for now. Remember to comment and let me know what you think of my work. All feedback is appreciated. If you feel something was overly nonsensical to the point where it took away from your enjoyment, let me know.

With that, I bid you adieu.

Till next week (hopefully), CHEERS! :D

Chapter 13

ADT Chapter 13

So you're lost in the deep, dark forest, miles away from any form of civilization. You're tired and hungry, and just want to go home to a nice warm bed.

Except, you can't find your way home because one of the people you were traveling with happens to be a fucking moron, and loses the written directions that would have guided you out.

What do you do?

Keep Calm

and

Desperately Try To Convince Yourself That Murder Is Not The Answer.

***

"Didn't we pass this dead tree already?"

"Impossible. We've been walking in a straight line for the past hour."

"Then why are there broken branches in the exact same places you attacked the first tree?"

"Maybe some other forest creature had a good reason to throw a tantrum, and needed something to focus his anger on so that he didn't end up throttling one of his friends, despite the fact that that friend might have fully deserved said throttling?"

"I don't know about that. Something tells me this is the same tree..."

Zeus help me.

Twilight couldn't remember every twist and turn we'd made on our way there. We were not only deep in the forest, but had ended up wandering into a natural basin that spanned several miles in all directions. Because of this, it was impossible for Rainbow to spot any geographical landmarks by flying above the trees, and the darkness of the night limited her sight range even moreso.

Now, you may be thinking the obvious 'Why didn't you just use the stars to find your way back?'. I already thought of it. I suggested it. Twilight laughed it off like I'd made a joke. As it turns out, the stars in the Equestrian sky aren't static; They're tied to Luna in much the same way that the moon is. Depending on her mood or preference, their positions can vary wildly from night to night, making navigating by them less reliable than an artist's income.

So what was our plan? Walk in the opposite direction that we approached the cave from. This would have probably worked, had it not been nighttime. We had been reliant on Twilight's magic for light even during the day, and by then she was fatigued to the point where her spell fluctuated constantly. This led to many of our previously taken paths being confused or even missed, which meant that we ended up even more lost than we would have been if we'd just stayed the night at the crystal caverns and traveled back to Ponyville by daylight.

Twilight's instability at the time brought into question the strength of her repelling spell, but the implications of that failing were too demoralizing to discuss, so we simply overlooked the issue and hoped that we wouldn't have to deal with it any time soon.

But I didn't worry. When it comes to making mistakes, my philosophy is, 'When you find yourself in too deep, you might as well go all the way. Sooner or later you'll either emerge victorious or end up dead.' Fifty-fifty odds are always worth taking, right?

Eventually, however, I reached the point where my tiredness was beginning to make me delirious. Trees would appear as terrifying beasts at first sight, and I didn't have any drugged up pink ponies to 'giggle at the ghosties' and make it all go away. It was clear to me that something had to be done, or our chances of lasting till dawn were shrinking by the minute.

Casper... Help.

I'd have given you directions if I could, but you were too distracted on the way here. Even your subconscious recollection of the route taken is questionable at best.

I may have been distracted, but keeping track of what we did was practically all Twilight focused on during the walk out here. Wouldn't she have clearer memories?

It's not unlikely. Might as well try your luck before it runs out.

Grasping at that last sliver of hope, I stopped and called out to Twilight, who was leading the way as per usual. She didn't register the sound of my voice at first due to her own tiredness, and continued walking. It was only upon my third repetition of her name that she stopped and turned to face Rainbow and I with bleary eyes.

"Hzz- wha? Joseph?" she mumbled.

"Twilight, I have an idea that might find us a way out of here. I'll need your permission to access your mind again so that I can check your memories for the recorded information of the paths we traveled."

She nodded her head slowly, though whether she was giving her consent or simply drifting into sleep, I couldn't really tell.

Good enough. I decided.

"What's this about reading her mind?" asked a somewhat more alert Rainbow Dash.

"It's magic," I told her simply. "Sort of like how Twilight helped everyone remember their friendship when Disc... ord...” I caught myself far too late. Twilight didn’t seem to have heard my last utterance, but Rainbow’s look turned from questioning to confused.

Now you fucked up.

She blinked and scratched her ears as if to ensure that they were functioning properly. “Wait, what did you say? Wow did you-”

“The Princesses told me about it before I came here,” I explained as sincerely as I could manage, trying to cut the conversation short. “Now, I’d love to reminisce, but I kind of have some memories to check.”

She shrugged indifferently. "Whatever. Do what you have to. The sooner we get back, the better."

With a mental sigh of relief, I lowered myself into a comfortable sitting position so that I would be able to fully relax and focus, even in my tired state.

"Rainbow," I called for her attention, "I'll be completely out of it for a couple seconds while I get this done. I'm not sure how it's going to affect Twilight's repelling spell, but if anything spooks you, just shake me as hard as you can and I'll snap out of it."

"Heh. It'd take more than some creepy crawlies to spook me, but I'll do what I need to if anything serious comes along," she jokingly promised.

Having no choice but to take her word for it, I shut my eyes and got to work. As with every usage of my abilities, I found the process to be swifter and more effortless than the last. In seconds, I'd bridged the gap between out minds once more and was spiraling into a familiar blackness. The forest rapidly faded into obscurity...

***

... and a library materialized in its place.

It was the Ponyville Library, or at the very least a fairly accurate representation of it. The shelves were almost fully stocked with the books the real library housed, and even more that it didn't. Whereas the original shelves were a mere four to five rows tall, these were placed one over another for dozens upon dozens of fully stocked rows that made the real library seem almost barren by comparison. In fact, as I looked straight up, I saw that there wasn't even a ceiling in sight. The imagined space simply continued upwards into white fog that concealed whatever may or may not have existed beyond that point.

Even with this limitation, however, Twilight's mental collection was nothing to scoff at. Fully organized by topic, author and name, thousands of thick and thin, soft and hard-cover texts alike were stored in her mind. Without even a glance inside a single one of them, I was certain that every one of the imaginary books contained information that directly mirrored what would be found in their real world counterparts.

I was in a living database.

I didn't waste time admiring Twilight's impressive memorization capabilities, though. No matter how slowly the time outside passed relative to what we experienced, I wasn't about to waste another moment in a situation that was one stray animal and fumbled spell away from disaster. Instead I set my sights on the only thing in the room that stood out against the otherwise wooden brown backdrop, which was of course the violet mare that ran the show in the imaginary library.

She, however, was the one that spotted me first. While she had been entirely out of it physically, her mental representation of herself was fully alert, eyes bright and blinking at me from across the room as she sat atop a dark purple pillow before an empty study desk.

"Joseph, over here!" she called upon noticing me.

I made my way to her side. As I neared her sitting figure, a second completely identical pillow materialized beside her. There wasn't any formative process either; One moment it wasn't there, and the next, it simply was. I wasn't overly surprised though; This was her mind, so her whims were law.

Taking the offered seat, I got right to the heart of the matter at hand, "Twilight, I need to see your records of the routes taken over the course of today's journey."

"Alright, let's see..." She began to close her eyes in an attempt to focus, but her own subconscious proved faster than her conscious by a large margin; She hadn't even fully closed here eyes before her familiar red journal found itself splayed open before us.

She blinked in surprise. "Oh! Well that's handy."

Choosing to ignore the paradoxical choice of words, I watched her telekinetically flip through the manifested memory to the beginning of her travel notes.

"Here we go," she proudly announced, shifting over so that I could get a proper look without having to crane over her shoulder.

I obliged, closely examining the hastily drawn but still impressively detailed diagrams. From the time we'd left Zecora's hut, Twilight had set down a meandering line, complete with angles and shading to represent height of the land, that showed how much ground we'd covered in what directions up to the cliff where the physical copy of the book had been lost. After this point, I was pleased and doubly amazed to find that the memorized path continued on in the false version of Twilight's journal, albeit somewhat more crudely. When pen and paper had failed her, she'd taken to outright memorizing our steps through a mix of shaky lines and written word. She'd even kept track of our direction relative to the sun, in spite of Princess Sunbutt's celestial orb being blocked from our view for the majority of our time in the Everfree.

Turned thirty-five degrees to the right at the Bandersnatch tree, sixty trots due East at a moderate pace, followed by a short, straight detour across the abandoned bridge...

It went on like that for the next few pages, the details giving me a vivid enough representation of our journey that I found myself actually recollecting certain portions of the trip that had completely slipped my mind until that point. Twilight's memories would be our ticket back to civilization.

At least, that's what I figured at first, but by the time I'd finished analyzing her records, I realized that, due to the sheer distance and variety of terrain traversed during the day, we'd have no feasible chance of making our way back along the original path under the shroud of night, unfocused, tired and demoralized as we were. There had to be a better way.

There has to be a better way.

You narrated that already. Also, there is another way, and it's considerably less risky than trying to walk back.

What would this other way be?

Twilight could tele-

NO.

Twilight isn't Luna. She has at least two years of experience with this. She'd be more reliable if it came down to-

I don't care. I don't even know if she's capable of taking all three of us any significant distance in the condition she's in.

Better than sitting here all night and waiting till dawn comes to NOT find you out in the deep dark forest, and you're all hungry and dehydrated and can't even think straight. You don't exactly have many options.

Alright, fine. I'll ask her to take us as far as she can manage. If worst comes to worst, I'll help her channel the spell.

Not a smart choice. The amount of energy required to shift matter along leylines, instantly transporting it from on place to another is-

Irrelevant. Like you said: This is a matter of life or death, and I don't have much choice. I'll do what I can to help, within reason.

Suit yourself. Now let's get Miss Trotter up to speed.

I swallowed my apprehension and turned to Twilight, who had been content to observe my own observation of her memories without comment for the past few minutes. The problem wouldn't be so much the casting of a teleportation spell, but doing it successfully on the dregs of energy she had remaining. Should anything go wrong, Celestia wouldn't be around to help stitch us together and make it all better.

"Twilight, I've come up with a plan to get us out of here," I said with barely concealed uncertainty.

"I'm listening." She flicked her ears to attention.

"The first thing I'll need to know is: How good are you at teleportation?" Whether or not I'd even entertain the notion of allowing her to consider zapping the three of us so much as the tiniest distance in any given direction came down to her ability to perform in her current condition.

She pursed her lips in thought. "Teleportation? I suppose that would be a much safer and faster option than any other mode of travel. Honestly, I like to consider myself somewhat adept at it. Manipulation of matter has been my focus for the past year or so, since it's one of the most difficult branches of magic to master; So difficult, in fact, that even Princess Luna-"

"I know," I curtly interjected. My ankles ached slightly as I reminisced that particular experience I'd shared with the Princess of the Night.

She blinked. "You do? Well, I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised, seeing as you were in Canterlot before coming to Ponyville. Anyway, I'm fairly certain that I'd be able to teleport all of us anywhere within a reasonable distance."

Fairly certain?

"And what exactly classifies as a 'reasonable distance'?" I pointedly inquired.

"For an accurate jump, I'd say between one hundred and five hundred meters. Anything further would be somewhat hit-or-miss, with the margin for error increasing proportionately with distance."

I gave an impressed whistle. "That far? Is there any limit?"

"Technically speaking, the 'limit' is really dependent on how far you can transmit a magical signal before it begins to lose clarity. For a unicorn with the proper training..." she surreptitiously put a hoof to her chest, "that distance is around six miles. After that point is reached, rather... unpleasant accidents could occur, especially if said signal is really something living. The threshold for an error like that is quite sizable, though," she was quick to reassure me, "so even in an event where I'd have to make a blind leap to a location, so long as the target is only a few miles away, odds are that we'd end up off target, but in one piece."

I took these words with a grain of salt; They weren't a guarantee of a safe trip, but this entire plan would literally be a shot in the dark, so I had to be willing to take the risk.

"Alright, so you have the expertise," I said dryly, more to myself than her, "but are you capable of performing this level of magic, tired as you are? You can barely hold up the barrier as it is."

She shook her head to indicate a misunderstanding on my part. "My body is tired, but not my mind; the repelling spell is failing because I want to sleep, not because I'm low on magical energy or anything. I just need to stir myself awake long enough so that I can cast the spell, which should only take a second or two." She frowned as she considered another potential obstacle. "I don't think I'll be able to handle more than one teleportation safely, though. Several rapid tiny jumps would be manageable, but since we're going to have to go for quality over quantity here, sending the three of us a couple miles closer to safety is the best I can do before I'm completely drained. Transportation of matter and long distance displacement puts a serious strain on the horn, no matter how good you are." She grimaced with a show of slight worry, quirking her eyes upwards and inwards as she look to her natural wand of violet ivory.

So we only get once chance, and we have to make it count.

I looked to the crude map before us and measured the distance between our current position and Zecora's hut, not accounting for any twists and turns in the way. Even traveling along a straight path, there were still almost ten miles to be traversed before we were home-free of the Everfree. Despite the potential for Twilight to eliminate around half of those at once, we still stood no chance of making the remaining distance at night, especially considering the fact that she'd need to rest afterwards, which likely spelled a night's sleep before continuing on the morrow.

We'd need to find somewhere relatively safe to warp to so that we could sleep the night away without fear of attack, but where could such a place be found so far removed from the comforts of civilization?

Then my eyes fell upon the answer to our troubles—located plain as day on the page before me—and I breathed a quiet sigh of relief.

"Twilight, I've got it!" I declared suddenly, eliciting a squeak of surprise at my sudden outburst of an announcement. "I know where you can send us!"

She tilted her head, eyes wide and curious as ever. "And where would that be?"

***

As I severed the connection and emerged from my physical stasis, I opened my eyes to find Rainbow in the process of patting down a circle of fallen leaves to make a comfortable post for keeping watch till I'd finished my mental conference with Twilight. Even I was somewhat surprised at the difference between time spent in the mind and in the waking world; if Rainbow hadn't gotten so much as a chance to sit down since I'd spoken to her, less than ten seconds had to have passed. It was really quite disorienting from my perspective.

"Dash, don't bother keeping watch," I called out. "We're done."

She immediately ceased preparing what would have likely become her bed for the evening and blinked at me in surprise.

"Already?" she asked incredulously. "But you only just-"

"The discussion didn't take as long as I'd expected," I simply stated.

Her brows furrowed in confusion, and she opened her mouth to say something else, but reconsidered and opted to not press any further.

"So did you find us the way out?" she instead asked.

"Yes, but it's too far for us to walk," I replied. "Instead we decided that Twilight would zap us to the nearest refuge we could find, after which we'd rest till morning, and then she'd teleport us a second time, after which we should be in—or at least near to—Ponyville."

"So where's this refuge?" she asked with a hint of uncertainty. "The Everfree Forest doesn't exactly offer much in the way of safe napping spots."

"It's the Temple of the Royal Pony Sisters," came the answer from behind me.

We both turned to see Twilight only just rousing herself out of her self-induced trance, which I knew for a fact had been closer to a shallow sleep than a focused meditation. She had taken slightly longer to rejoin us because she'd needed to reference her own memories on magical manipulation of anatomy so that she could remember the process for directly triggering a release of adrenaline within the body. According to her, it was a 'convenient little trick' for staying up just a little bit longer—one which she'd made occasional use of while studying under Celestia back in Canterlot. It was a potent but short-lived substitute when caffeine wasn't an option.

She shook her head once, then twice, and when her eyes next faced forward, they were far more focused than they had been prior to our metaphysical meeting. She had the boost she needed in order to teleport the three of us the five or so miles that made up the gap between our current location and the temple.

Rainbow Dash whistled at the choice of destination. "Man, it's been a while since I've see that place. Has it really been two years already?"

"And three months, by my count," said Twilight.

Well don't I feel old now...

“Like dis post if ur a year 1000 pony.”

"Let's get this over with before you crash again," I urged Twilight.

She nodded in agreement and began channeling her magic. Legs spread and tensed, she screwed up her face in concentration as the familiar sparks of energy began to emerge from her horn as well as the very air around her.

"Dash, Joseph, get as close to me as you can," she ordered without breaking concentration. "Try to be in physical contact with one another, so we're more likely to end up in the same place."

I did my best not to ponder the implications of those words as I walked over to her, placing my right hand at the base of her neck, where it also met with one of Rainbow's extended wings.

"Ready?" she asked with a strained voice a moment later.

"Ready," Rainbow Dash and I answered in unison.

There was no countdown or further announcement—only a tense second as I waited for the inevitable, then a blinding flash of violet light as the spell was cast and my molecules were torn asunder in an instant...

***

... only to find themselves rejoining a fractured second later in the mossy shadow of a long abandoned temple. We had arrived not just in any part of the temple either, but in the very antechamber that had once housed the Elements of Harmony. Luna's pale orb shone down bright through one of the many tall, arching windows, casting the dull colors of the centuries-old stained glass over us and the gray mortar that made up the entirety of the room.

I was the first to break contact with the other two, running my hands up and down my body to ensure that no part of me had been left behind in transit.

"What's all the fuss about?" asked Rainbow as she retracted her wing. "You look like you expected something to go wrong."

"Can never be too careful," I offhandedly answered.

Twilight arced her back and stretched from where she stood between us, enjoying a long and drawn out yawn as she did so. "Well," she blinked blearily as the adrenaline wore off and her fatigue returned with a vengeance, "I did what I could. The keep's enchanted to appear invisible from directly above, and the bridge outside is the only other way to even reach the temple courtyard. We'll be..." she paused for another, quieter yawn, "fine here, so if you guys don't mind..."

With that, she curled up on the floor, and within seconds she was happily sighing herself off to sleep as she succumbed to the day's many stresses and strains.

Rainbow Dash and I smiled towards our exhausted friend, then looked to each other, our eyes alone communicating out mutual intent to follow Twilight's example. Rainbow was far more apt than I to do this, though. The very second I turned to seek out a more comfortable place to lay my weary head, I heard a resounding thump behind me. I spun around to find the pegasus already splayed out on the floor, legs up and ears twitching as she mirrored Twilight's soft breaths with rumbling snores.

Well they certainly have no issue with sleeping on solid rock.

Damn them and their comfy fur. I'd use one of them as a pillow if there wasn't a chance of me getting caught. Where the heck am I supposed to sleep?!

Yes, I was dead tired, but I have standards. Sleeping without a pillow, mattress or blanket? What kind of barbarian would even consider it?

And so I paced restlessly up and down the lengths of the silent room, the sound of my party's breathing and my own footsteps being the only sounds that kept me company as I sought a place to rest.

The segmented platform that formed the base of the now empty pedestal that had borne the socketed elements? Too many sharp angles.

A mossy corner of the room? Too dark.

What about... Crap.

There was nowhere that I found suitable. I know that normally when people get really tired, they tend to care little for where they end up passing out, but I personally find it impossible to sleep without some basic comforts. Without them, I'd end up tossing and turning in a half-awake state all night, drifting endlessly between shallow dreams and muddied reality, resulting in me waking up in the morning to find myself even more exhausted than I'd been before even trying to hit the hay in the first place.

So yeah. No sleep for me.

Finding myself with a sudden excess of free time which I had no desire for, and seeing as I had nobody apart from myself to converse with to pass this time, I decided to take advantage of the opportunity and get a closer look at the temple's artifacts, at least until boredom drove me to sleep against my own wishes. The artsy windows and ornate carvings along the walls didn't to much to pique my interest, though, as I'd never really been too big on high class decor. The only thing that I felt inclined to take a good look at was the notched pedestal that had been the home of the Elements up until two years prior. Ancient artifacts that held enough power to banish godlike beings for millenia had laid dormant on the very piece of rock that now stood empty before me. Even though it all sounded much more grand than it actually was, I couldn't help but look upon it in silent wonder as to exactly what the story was behind the Elements of Harmony for them to have been neglected for so long in a place so displaced from Equestrian society.

I might not be able to learn anything from this alone, but at least it's something to look at.

Not satisfied with my view from down below, I hiked a leg up and pulled myself atop the base of the platform. From there, I was able to fully appreciate details in the construction of the pedestal that had been unnoticeable from the floor; the equally spaced and angled outlines of the chambers for each element, the pristine condition of the ancient stone and the runes that ran along every square inch of its uncracked surface-

That's odd.

I found myself being interrupted as my eyes fell upon the magical symbols that had been engraved into the rock.

Hmm?

The runes... I don't understand how, but some of them are charged.

How's that odd?

No visible source, for one thing. The only feasible way these could have remained charged for a thousand years would have been through the sheer residual energy of the Elements, except those were removed over two years ago. Why're these things still active?

Maybe I could try that whole 'sense the environment' thing again. A bit of practice never hurts.

And so I took the obvious course of action and pressed my hand to the seemingly inert runes. The first thing I learned was that the stone was strangely warm, despite the chilly air that permeated the rest of the room. The second was that you should never, ever make physical contact with strange magical devices, especially if their purpose is unknown. That's the kind of innocent mistake that can get you killed.

I'd barely had time to process the warmth that greeted my touch before a massive surge of energy bolted out of the stone and straight into me. The force of the shock would have knocked me clear off the platform, had the runes not simultaneously locked my hands in place, causing me to jerk backwards only to end up rubber-banding on my own arms and striking the unyielding stone chest-first. I barely managed to regain my footing and let loose a breathless swear before yet another pulse of magic invaded my being, then another, and another—my body began to convulse like mad from the overload of energy, yet my hands remained anchored to the accursed stone no matter which way I twisted or squirmed.

I would have yelled, but my mind was thrown into chaos by the sudden and violent assault, leaving me helpless as the magic flooded me entirely.

And it was suddenly over.

I found myself slumping to the floor in a sweating, panting mess as the magic faded—but I didn't even have time to comprehend the end of my ordeal before another began.

In an instant my world turned bright, and I was thrown into the most blinding whiteness imaginable...

End of Chapter 13

What, you thought I was gone?

School can really take it out of a guy, but I'll press on. Instead of spending this particular addendum making cheap jokes and flimsy promises, I'll make use of whatever attention I hope to have gained from this chapter to add some final details to that bit of magic which I tried my best to fully explain in this chapter, but was unable to describe properly without turning it into an essay in itself; Teleportation.

In (My) Equestrian realm, teleportation works much like Twilight described, with the molecules of the person, pony or object going through the process being broken apart and transmitted as a signal to the desired location before being reassembled. To elaborate, several things happen in that instant of transportation:
The complete structure of the subject (Let's use this term for the sake of simplicity) is 'scanned' by the first sequence of the spell and stored as a mini-macro of sorts (Sort of like taking a digital image and creating a text file that contains an exact set of instructions on how it's laid out).
This string of instructions is then transmitted, along with the fragmented molecules, by the second sequence of the spell, which is a Vector. The vector is basically another description, but this time related to direction and distance. It relates the information the pre-determined distance in a straight line (The particles are diffuse enough to pass unhindered through most solid objects, due to their enchanted nature) to the target.
At this point, the particles are reassembled according to the instructions stored at the moment the spell was cast.

All this takes place in a matter of milliseconds.
Now, while the process seems sound in theory, there is always a limit to what magic can do. Like light, the magic being transmitted along the vector does spread out slightly in travel. While the initial recorded information remains safe so long as the magic remains a single entity, if any part of the stream becomes so far removed from another that it gets a significant amount of lag when the rest of the information is called upon to coalesce—let's alone being completely separated—well... I'll leave that up to your imagination.

I'm tired as heck as I write this (I always leave the AN for the moment before the chapter upload, so my words are as honest and impulsive as they can be), so I'll just say that's the general overview of how teleportation works in this story. Just be sure to remember the finer details of any original mechanics I introduce as it progresses, because they may very well come into play later on, for better or for worse.

Thanks for reading. Till next time, remember to comment and critique to your heart's desire!

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Shocking. Sharp. Jarring. Heart attack-inducing. Fucking painful.

How would you describe the feeling of having freezing cold water poured over your head when you're completely unprepared for it? I certainly have no shortage of fitting tags that come to mind, and not a single one of them is positive.

At least it got me to wake up from that nightmare...

***

INSERT SOUND OF FRESH ARCTIC RUNOFF BEING UNCEREMONIOUSLY DUMPED OVER MY UNSUSPECTING UNCONSCIOUS FORM HERE.

I flinch and splutter my way out of my slumber and straight into a world that is altogether too bright, too wet, and too damn cold.

"Wh- what the frig-!" I madly glance around as the shock wears off, my arms already busy rubbing away the goosebumps that had instantly sprung up across my frigid flesh.

"He's awake!" is the first thing I hear.

I look up to the sound of the voice and am only half-surprised to spot Rainbow still hovering there, still shamelessly clutching the bucket she'd used to jolt me back to the land of the living.

"Yes, Rainbow Dash, this we can see," says a second voice, "But was such a method really necessary?"

With a sigh, I look to my right, where I find Zecora, who is eying Rainbow with a respectable amount of reprimand.

"Your stinky salts didn't do the job," came the off-hooved response from above.

Zecora shook her head in exasperation, "The purpose of the salts, you should not misconstrue; they were meant to break the spell—not wake him, too!"

Rainbow's mouth opened in a silent 'O' of understanding, which was quickly hidden with a sharp 'tsk' of indifference, "Well... I didn't feel like waiting, then. Whatever gets the job done, right?"

I am going to fucking-

You can kill as many annoying little pegasi as you like, AFTER you've dealt with our little guest.

~Agreed. There are indeed much dealings to be dealt before you are permitted to return to your deranged fantasies of equicide.~

Equicide? Don't you mean h- Oh, right, fucking interspecies language developmental differences.

~I would also be very much gratified if you would refrain from making use of that crude filler word that you seem to so enjoy tossing every which-way.~

Hey, I'm the one helping you here. Let's not forget that. If you have a problem with my language, you can get right back in your little prison and stay there till some other unlucky sap comes along, got that?

~Have it your way, for now. Be glad that I am currently in no position to make demands.~

Sighing as a fresh headache began to form as a result of yet ANOTHER voice being stuffed into my cranium, I commenced a more detailed analysis of my surroundings:

I was no longer in the temple; the Altar or the Elements was nowhere in sight. I had somehow wound up back at Zecora's shack, in her cot, most likely thanks to my pony pals who had no doubt found me passed out at the Altar, been unable to rouse me from my magically-induced sleep, and transported me to Zecora to seek both assistance and refuge from the forest.

Wait, somepony's missing here...

As if on cue, there was a soft knock on the front door, after which it was opened by a slightly damp-maned unicorn who looked like she had certainly seen better days.

There we go.

I would've given a half-hearted 'good morning' to everyone in the room at this point, except my teeth were still chattering too hard for me to form an intelligible sentence. Thankfully, Zecora took notice, and presented me with a warm and dry—if slightly coarse—blanket for my perusal.

As I hastened to return my body to a non-lethal temperature, the two ponies in the room made haste to my side. As per usual, Dash was the first to speak.

"What the hay happened to you last night? We woke up and found you passed out over the big statue thing—"

"'Altar', Dash," interjected Twilight.

"—Whatever. Anyway, you wouldn't budge when we tried to wake you. Twilight even tried that whole mind magic thing again, but no dice! We ended up having to zap you all the way over here for Zecchy to figure out what was wrong."

"Zecchy?" I asked with a smirk. "That sounds like a nickname Pinkie would come up with."

She shrugged. "Yeah, well saying 'Zecora' all the time was getting old. Anyway, you didn't answer the question."

Twilight was next to add her two-cents, "I have to agree with Dash, here. You were being kept asleep by a spell, but I've never encountered that sort of magic before. It was so... crude, yet too powerful for me to dispel. Who even cast it on you?"

I think over my answer for a second. "Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a 'who', but the Altar turned out to be enchanted with some pretty strong magic from way back when. The spell triggered the moment I got near it."

No need to be overly accurate with the extent to which the screw-up had been my fault.

Twilight wasn't satisfied with my answer, though. She put a hoof to her chin in thought, then followed up with, "But why was the Altar's magic active to begin with? I was there two years ago, and it was completely inert. For it to have done anything, it would have needed-"

"A source?" I finished for her. "I figured as much. Maybe the Nightmare temporarily disarmed them when she seized the elements."

"It's possible, though they must have been completely drained from casting that one spell on you. I couldn't feel anything left over when we found you this morning."

~She's asking too many questions. Don't give her reason to look too closely at the runes on the Altar. I can't risk any evidence of my presence there being discovered.~

Relax, I think curiosity will take a backseat to self-preservation here. Watch.

"Well, Twilight," I casually begin, "if it matters this much to you, I wouldn't mind going back to insp-"

"NO!" comes the immediate, vehement response from both bruised, sore and hungry ponies. They each briefly look to the other with expressions that are somewhere between surprise and mutual fear, then shake themselves back to as calm a state as they can manage.

"I mean... as cool as yesterday was and all," Rainbow attempts to find the words as she simultaneously attempts to regain her composure, "I think I can live without the Everfree for a while." She closes her eyes and exhales hard. "A good, LONG while..."

"What she said," Twilight agrees with a tired nod of her head.

The sound of a throat being cleared signals the end of our little discussion. All eyes fall on Zecora, who had only just returned from an absence that I hadn't even noticed till that point. In her mouth she held a small pouch that had been filled right up to the drawstring that held it shut. She dropped it on the bed beside me, where a soft clink from within alerted us as to what it contained.

"The eighty bits, as we had agreed," she explained with a smile, "for attaining the rumroot, of which I was in need."

"It really wasn't any trouble," I assured her. "If anything, that had to have been the easiest part of yesterday's trip."

"Is that so?" she mused, "Was it really so bad? You should tell me about it sometime. I'm sure there's laughs to be had."

At our expense.

"That 'sometime' will have to come at a much later date, I'm afraid," I replied instead. "It's been a long day—and night—and I don't think I speak for myself alone when I say that I could do with something to eat, and a soft bed to lie on while I do my best to forget it ever happened."

"Seconded," said Purple.

"Thirded," said Blue.

Zecora laughed. "In that case, I bid you adieu."

***

"Oh. My. Word! Darling, whatever have you been doing with my painstakingly crafted ensemble?" Rarity walks circles around me, searching for and delicately inspecting every rip, gash and stain in the suit that I had acquired not even a full day before. "I know this was designed to be an all-purpose outfit, but did you really have to drag it through Tartarus and back the moment I gave it to you?"

As much right as she had to be upset that I'd gone and mauled my brand new clothes, it was a bit hard to feel anything other than stark relief simply for the pleasure of being there for her to berate. I had only been in the forest for a little over twelve hours, but it felt like days had passed since I'd felt the warmth of the sun on my face. Rarity's fussiness was practically a godsend after the hell I'd been through.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I say as sincerely as I can manage.

She ceases her appraisal and shoots me a disapproving glare. "I'm glad that you're sorry, but 'sorry' isn't going to get this stitched up. I can't have you prancing around wearing my name if you're going to do so while looking like complete ragamuffin."

"What more can I say? I said I'm s-" my mouth is snapped shut by a tingling purple glow.

"Not another word," she hisses. "Every second spent talking is another second spent letting the dirt and grime seep into the fabric. Quickly, off with it all!"

I raise an eyebrow in genuine shock. "What? Now?"

"Well I certainly don't mean next Hearth's Warming Eve, now do I, Joseph?" she retorts with a frown. "Give me the clothes. I have a simple robe available for you to wear while I get them fixed up." Rarity points toward a plain white one-piece hanging on a rack at the far side of the room. It's already been adjusted to my proportions, as it had been used to form an outline for all of her sketches the day prior. It might not be the best looking choice of clothing, but it was either that or walk around naked till she was done.

Not even bothering to argue, I quickly disrobed and tossed both shirt and pants over to Rarity, who wasted no time splaying them out over a pair of wireframes so that she could easily access every square centimeter of the torn cloth. While she got busy with the repairs, I slipped into the robe, glad for yet another excuse to avoid narrating my totally muscular physique to a non-existent audience.

When I turned my attention back to my gracious fashionista friend, I found her already in the process of marking off segments of the cloth for cutting, re-stitching, and re-dying respectively. Markers, scissors, rolls of cloth, a needle or two—and a good many other unnamable tools of the trade—all seemed to lift themselves from their respective corners or drawers about the room and gravitate towards the unicorn at the center.

As interesting as watching her work could be, however, I couldn't afford to mull around at the Boutique for much longer.

"So, uh..." I fidgeted, looking between Rarity, the tattered clothes before her, and the bright morning sun shining in through the windows, "How long will it take? Should I wait, or...?"

In all honesty, I just wanted to get back home (or to my new one, if you want to get technical). There were still three beetles sitting inert in a box just outside the room, waiting to be delivered to a temperamental pegasus in exchange for a generous payment. The sooner they were in her possession, the sooner I attained temporary financial independence, and the sooner I could sit back and think over how I was going to deal with the repercussions of the incident back at the Temple. I wasn't intentionally trying to be rude, but I had things to do.

She didn't respond immediately. Several seconds filled with nothing but the sounds of snipping, clipping, rustling and the the occasional dainty tsk passed by before my words even registered. When they did, all I got was a distracted, "Hmm? What was that, dear?" in response.

Sounds like a go-ahead to me!

"Nothing, nothing," I replied as I slowly tiptoed towards the exit. "I'll be stepping out for now. Talk to you later?"

"Yes, yes, whatever you- Oh confound it, this isn't the right shade of fuschia! Wherever did I place that thread..." The rest went unheard as I took my final step out of the room and quietly closed the door behind me.

I hope she doesn't mind me just ditching like that.

Not like she's going to notice any time soon. Stop worrying and let's get back to Cashmere already.

I made my way to the center of the lobby and retrieved the plastic container, making sure that each of the specimens were still curled up and resting peacefully in their prison. It's not like them being awake would have made any significant difference, though; They'd had their fun in the sun the moment we'd left the Everfree and Twilight dropped her spell matrix. As dangerous as they could get in large numbers, they were a mere nuisance on their own. The plastic alone had made their screeches completely inaudible, and the only indicator that any noise was being made at all was the occasional slight vibration of the case.

With my prize tucked securely under my arm, I spun on my heels and headed for the exit oh my god tiny pony came out of nowhere musn't step on it shhhhh-

And I trip.

I would have wildy spun my arms to regain my balance, but luckily I instead made the split-second decision to not risk dropping the container and having its contents escape. Thankfully, Rarity's carpets were indeed as soft as they appeared, and I survived the impact without an extra bump or bruise to my name.

Did something unexpected just happen without me getting hurt as a result?

There's always the possibility that you might be dreaming. I could try and wake you up if you want.

I'd rather not know. Just let it last...

"Oh my gosh! Mister, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" comes the Deja Vu-inducing exclamation from behind me.

At least there's something to smile about.

"I'm fine, Sweetie," I mutter as I pick myself up. Before I or she exchange another word, though, the filly surprises me by beginning to dust off the parts of the robe that she was capable of reaching, using her own tail as the duster. It only takes a couple seconds, but she is incredibly thorough, leaving the cloth every bit as white as it had been prior to my fall, if not moreso.

"Um... Thanks, I guess," I offer afterwards, not entirely sure of how to reciprocate her kind gesture.

"It's no big deal," she cheerfully dismissed my gratitude. "Rarity taught me that 'A lady should always do her best to right her wrongs,'” she quoted in a none-too-subtle nasal tone. “Getting rid of the dust was the least I could do."

I'm almost tempted to let her trip me again, just for the attention.

"Just watch where you're going next time, kid," I tell her with a smile that I hope reaches my tired eyes.

"Will do, Mister!" she cheerfully assures me before bouncing her way towards the stairs. I think to remind her—for what would have been the third time since arriving at the Boutique that morning—that I do in fact have an actual name, but I couldn't be bothered by much at the moment.

After a final glance to ensure that the container is still sealed, I walk out the door humming a cheerful tune to celebrate the beauty of being alive to face a new day.

***

As I arrive at Cashmere's, I am struck with a profound sense of pride and accomplishment; I'd sought work, been hired to carry out a difficult and deadly task, accomplished what was asked of me and returned in one piece with the spoils of my venture, all within twenty-four hours. How could I not appreciate feeling like a brave young adventurer, taking on quests and assisting the townsfolk?

I wouldn't feel so japper if I were you. It was still only a simple fetch-quest, and you didn't even complete it.

Yeah I did. Look, I filled the other half of the box with all the fucks I don't give!

I twist the doorknob, but find it still locked. It's only mid-morning by this point, but Cashmere clearly hadn't stepped out of the house for the day.

A couple hundred ponies to choose from and I get stuck with the only one in the entire town that bothers with security.

"Cashmere!" I call out, knocking against the door in an attempt to reach her.

Immediately, there is a response, though not the one I'd been expecting.

"Just a second! I'll be right there!" says a voice that is distinctly masculine, followed by the now familiar sound of hooves clopping against the floor as they approach the door.

A guy? Was Cashmere getting busy last night while I was out?

What if the entire 'quest' was nothing but an excuse to get the kid to leave so the adults could fool around unobserved?

Should I care? So long as I'm paid.

Soon enough, there's a click from the other side of the door, and it is pushed open. Thankfully, I'd made sure to stand well behind the danger-zone after the last incident involving the inexplicably outward-swinging door. Standing in the doorway is a unicorn that is entirely unfamiliar to my eyes. His sandy blonde mane is cropped short over an oddly freckled face that otherwise shares the same milk-chocolate shade of brown with the rest of his coat. On his flank there is a simple image of the number Two, represented in Roman notation.

We locked eyes for a second upon seeing each other. His gaze gave off a sense of cheerfulness, though it felt more akin a happy contentment than outright bubbliness. If anything, my first impression of him was that he was the closest thing to an Average Joe that I'd met up till that point.

"Oh, you must be the human, right? I've been looking forward to getting a chance to see you in the flesh."

"Name's Joseph. You can't call me Jo," I politely return.

"Nice to meet ya, Joseph! I'm Deuce." He offers a hoof, and I accept for a quick shake. "I'm Cashmere's other tenant. I'll be staying across the hall from you. Just arrived in town last night and I'm aiming to be settled in comfortably by day's end."

Settled comfortably into Cashmere, more like it.

SILENCE, you perverse cur.

"You're a royal guest as well?"

"Yup, though I'd hardly claim that I'm on 'Royal Business'." He gives a light chuckle. "This is sort of a vacation for me. I'm here just to relax and get to know the town's residents till I'm called back to Canterlot."

"Well, Duece, I can say without a doubt that you're going to love it here. Beautiful weather, nice scenery, and even a few girls to catch... your..." My words trail off as a thought hits me.

His expression turns from cheerful to concerned at my sudden break in the conversation. "Is everything alright, Joseph?" he asks unsurely.

I shake myself out of the momentary stupor and turn back to him with a smile. "I'm fine. I'm more concerned for you, though."

Deuce relaxes, but only slightly. "Me? Whatever for?"

"You said you showed up last night, right?"

"That's correct."

"So I'm right to assume that pretty much everypony was asleep by that point, the stores were closed, and the only place for you to go was straight here?"

"Um... yes, I suppose," he hesitantly confirms. "I didn't meet anypony else aside from Cashmere, and now you, if that's what you're asking."

One last nail to put in your coffin, neighbor oh neighbor of mine.

"Would you happen to know a pink Earth pony by the name of Pinkie Pie?"

"The Element of Laughter? I know of her. Can't say I've had the pleasure of running into her yet though. Why?"

"Could you do me a favor?" I giddily inquire, struggling to prevent my anticipant grin from growing any wider.

"A favor?" he dumbly repeats, thoroughly confused by the line of questioning and sudden change of topic.

"Could you step off the porch for just a second, please?"

His brows furrow further. "Doesn't sound like much of a favor," he comments. "Any particular reason?"

"I just want to make sure the residents of Ponyville get a good look at their town's newest occupant," I answer in as sincere a tone as I can fake.

His eyes betray more than a little suspicion, but he smiles nonetheless and nods in consent.

"Alright. I don't see any harm in that."

I step aside. He steps forward, off the wooden planks, and out of the shaded verandah into full view of every pony in the vicinity. Deuce stands there for a good few seconds, looking around, up and down, almost as though he were expecting something to happen... But nothing does.

Left even more befuddled than before, he turns back to the house, just in time to see the door being pulled shut behind me and to hear a tiny click as I lock it from within.

I move the window just beside the entrance and lift the drapes, making sure he can see me waving happily to him. Just as his expression starts to shift from bewildered to indignant, I spin my hand in a little clockwise circle for him, mouthing the words, "Turn around."

He snorts in annoyance, but once more does as I say.

I drop the curtains and walk away, cackling to myself as Pinkie greeted her newest friend.

Hope you like Pie, Deuce.

***

"You're alive?"

"Well, I suppose that's one way to greet me. Good morning to you too, Cashmere."

The pegasus quickly marked her spot in every one of the numerous open texts before her and came to meet me outside the study. For once, she wasn't wearing a grimace, nor did she look tired, despite her frazzled hair. Her eyes are alight with clear excitement, and the reason for that excitement becomes evident as they dart to the prized box tucked under my arm.

"You found them?" she asked, voice sounding slightly more disbelieving than I believe it had a right to be.

"No, I'm not badly injured, thanks for asking. Yes, I did find the beetles." I hold it out for her to see, and she gleefully looks over the three beetles now lazing about within.

"Sorry, but the other freak of nature you wanted wasn't really an option," I tell her upfront. "By the time I managed to get ahold of these, I'd already had no less than three brushes with death for the day. I'd rather settle for a lower payment that end up dead and get nothing."

A slight frown tweaks the edge of her lips, but her mood doesn't seem very much dampened otherwise.

"Understandable. Good going, getting at least half the job done. It's more than I would've been able to accomplish, at any rate. Just give me a minute here, I'll go get your payment. "

She heads back into the study and shuts the door behind her, presumably so that I wouldn't be able to take note of where her stash was hidden. Less than a minute later, she emerges with my second salary for the day delicately held in her teeth. Rather than the standard bag that I'd seen used for bit trading up till then, she had returned with nothing but a quadruplet of identical golden bits.

I pass her the box, and she neatly balances it on her shoulders, but stays for a moment to watch as I inspect my earnings.

'Only four bits?' you may be asking. Well, let me clear up any confusion now, since there are many more intricacies to the ponies' society than I had initially given them credit for; When it comes to bits, it's not just generic golden coin. Well, they're all made of gold (damn rich ponies), but there are indeed various values attributed to each coin. At the low end of the scale, there's the relatively thin single bit, worth no more than its name. After that, the values increase incrementally at ten, fifty, and a hundred, with every type of coin being engraved and ridged to indicate their worth, and every higher value being slightly thicker and heavier, and wider than the one before it. Zecora had given me eight ten-bits, which would make actually spending the money easier. Cashmere, on the other hand, had given me three full hundred-bit coins, along with a fifty-bit coin topping off my payment. This confused me, as I was only supposed to receive two hundred for each non-identical creature I brought back.

"Uh, Cashmere?" I hold up the excess payment for her to see. "Isn't this a bit much?"

I honestly can't believe you just said that...

Punintentional humor?

She shook her head to indicate a misunderstanding on my part. "You did make haste to bring what I requested, and my offer of a hundred extra for a speedy delivery was not made in jest. However, you only returned with one of the two species in hand, so I only owe you fifty of that promised hundred."

"Fair enough," I concede, "but you still gave me one hundred bits more than I was supposed to get."

"It wasn't an accident," she assures me. "I know there's no way you could have survived the forest alone if even I can overpower you. The extra hundred bits is for whatever unlucky sap or saps you managed to get to go along with you."

And how is she so sure I'll pass it along?

Wait, what if this is some sort of test? For all we know Twilight and Cashmere could be in cahoots, and keeping tabs on us for the Princesses. This could very well be a way of testing your honesty to determine your true character, and if you make the wrong choice you’ll end up banished from the land~

... Or maybe she’s just being considerate?

Now let's not jump to any far-fetched conclusions here.

"I'm sure they'll appreciate it," I told her with a smile, pocketing all four bits till I decided what to do with the extra money.

With a satisfied nod for the completed transaction, Cashmere returned to the study once more, but paused just before shutting the door. "I'll be here getting to know these little beauties," she gives her eyes a meaningful flick to the box still balanced on her back, "a little better over the next couple hours. Don't disturb me unless your life is in danger, or else I can promise you that it will be."

As if I'd actively seek you out if I had any other options.

"I'm sure you've met Deuce by now—speaking of whom, I wonder where he's gone off to?" She looks up and down the corridor, and I try my best to appear innocent. She shrugs, clearly in not curious enough to go searching for him. "Anyway, just try to get along. He's here on indefinite vacation, so get used to him. Now, if you'd so kindly excuse me..."

And with that, she slammed the door shut. The bang of the wood hitting the frame is closely followed by a pair of solid snapping sounds as she locks it from the inside, ensuring her own privacy, along with my complete (if only temporary) exclusion from her life.

~Now that that's dealt with, can we get on with-~

Shush. Food first. Haven't eaten since I can't even remember.

~You were in the forest, and you are capable of using magic. Why not just catch something to eat?~

Firstly, because I'm weak as shit both physically and mentally. I can do some manipulation, and grasping concepts are a breeze, but I don't have enough strength to put the majority of the theory into practice. Secondly, because I was accompanied by two innocent vegetarians who still lack complete faith in me. I can't afford to hurt my image by adding 'remorseless hunter' to the list of things putting distance between us. Does that answer your question?

~I was merely suggesting what seemed like an obvious solution to me. No need to be so abrasive about it...~

Me not eating isn't going to make me any less grumpy, so if you wouldn't mind, just can it till I speak to you again, alright?

There is no response. I take that as a sign of compliance and make haste for the kitchen. Grabbing the first bowl I see off the shelf, I help myself to a generous serving of dried apple and pear slices stored in an airtight container on the counter. At the moment I was craving something more filling, and possibly moist. The thought of some veggie stir fry had my mouth watering even as I poured myself a glass of the liquid to wash down the thin, flaky fruit. Still, I had unfinished business to attend to, and wanted to avoid putting it off for much longer.

You know what they say about leaving your irons in the fire.

Man, this whole 'lack of modern technology' thing sucks. No microwaves? Really? Heck, even the stoves need a match to be lit. How did humans ever survive under these neolithic conditions?

You mean a decade or two before you were born?

Shut up and let me have this. Complaining at least keeps my mind off how shitty this dried stuff is. I need a nice, hot meal to make me forget my worries.

Because being gifted with magic powers and damned to live a life among ponies must be such a drag. Is the sarcasm evident in my tone? I'd roll my eyes to make sure it was, if I had any eyes to roll.

I rolled my eyes as I rinsed my bowl of what little residue there was left of my meal—if it could even be called that—and set it on the dish rack to dry. That's right; not even a dishwasher.

Absolute neanderthals.

With my hunger quelled for the moment, I glance at the nearest wall-mounted clock to get an idea of how the following hours would be spent.

Ten forty-five in the AM.

Alright, this shouldn't take more than an hour. I deal with this thing, decide what to do from there, act on that decision, then resume my normal life. Hopefully Rarity will have made some progress by the time I get back. I even have a chance to pay her for her efforts this time around, so that'll be a pleasant surprise for her.

Despite my planning ahead for another relaxed and simple day, though, I knew full well that my course of action once I left the house was entirely dependent on the outcome of the imminent interrogation of my latest unexpected acquaintance. The only reason I'd put it off until now, and not notified Twilight the very moment I'd awoken, was because said 'acquaintance' had implored me to give it a chance to explain itself.

Yeah, 'it'. That's not a mistake on my part. Unlike in the case of Casper, what had attached itself to my mind was in no way dependent on my own identity. Until I knew what I was dealing with, 'it' would be the assumed gender description. Thankfully, the time for questioning was at hand, and the gaps in my knowledge would be filled.

The living room was unoccupied, but there was still the chance of someone walking in and interrupting me at any point in what I knew would be a lengthy discussion, and so I decided

to make use of the privacy of my bedroom for the time being, just to be safe.

Skipping past a needless tale of my arduous trek up the Stairs of Doom and down the Hallway of Madness, I miraculously managed to reach my private chambers without incident.

After locking yet another door behind me, I shut the windows, got comfortable on the bed, closed my eyes, and shifted my attention inward.

There would be no simple back-and-forth conversation of the minds here. I needed to get up close and personal with the guest of the hour, and that would require complete and total immersion in the alternate realm of my mind.

Let's get this over with.

~I cannot express how elated I am to hear those words.~

Casper, if you'd be so kind as to provide a room?

Extra privacy? No problem. Done and-

***

Done.

I open my eyes, narrow them in confusion, close them, and reopen them, but the scenery doesn't change; I was exactly where I had been before, lying on my bed in a darkened room with nothing but a record player and a piano for company.

Hey, what gives? I thought I told you to set up a private session in my head?

Who's to say I didn't do just that? You were already in a place that you considered both comfortable and private, so why go through the trouble of thinking up another when I can just project your thoughts over your current environment?

~"Causing oneself to hallucinate—an interesting choice for communication."~

I sit up with a jolt at the sudden and unexpected voice from behind me. My body reacts before my mind has a chance to catch up, and I leap to my feet, spinning around with my fists raised and at the ready to defend myself from... from...

"... What the absolute fuck?"

The dark, unnatural imitation of a human being before me winces with displeasure upon the utterance of the last word, but makes no comment. Instead it chooses to resume staring at me with its white, unblinking, pupil-less eyes that still somehow manage to give me the impression that it expects something of me, or is silently gauging my own reaction, or maybe even both at once.

What was my reaction, beyond the initial surprise and exclamation?

First, let's make sure you understand what I was seeing here: It was me. At least, it would have been me, if not for the black skin, soulless expression, claws in place of fingers, and with an impossible aura of dread emanating from its body. Then there was the whole 'no clothes' thing going on, thankfully and bafflingly without any genitals to be seen. Yeah, aside from all that minor stuff, it could've passed for my deceased twin brother any day. How would you react if faced with what seems to be your evil clone?

I'm sure my response wasn't too far off from yours, and I react as could be expected;

"What, no wings to complete the cliche ensemble?"

The creature does a confused double-take.

~"I... beg your pardon?"~

"I mean you have the entire black, gothy, evil look going down already, but you forgot the spooky bat wings to top it off. It's not like I was expecting you to take physical form to begin with, but now that you have, I can't say I'm impressed. Though, I suppose a thousand years spent with nothing but one theme to work with must have left you with a nasty case of artist's block, or designer's block, or whatever you call it when you're a shape-shifting mind leech."

~"I..."~ it seems to struggle with the words for a moment, ~"What are you incessantly rambling on about? You say I lack... wings? Are they a part of your physiology that I failed to duplicate?"~

"No," I correct my double, "but they would fit the theme you were going for. Speaking of which, mind explaining what's with the all black get-up?"

The creature proudly gestures a claw towards its jet black chest and flourishes so that I can see its entire, almost uniformly colored form. ~"The color black is the most fitting symbol for the unknown. It represents a lack of light, knowledge, and self-assurance. I chose this form so that I may strike fear into the hearts of ALL that oppose me!"~

"Oh jeez, and now you're doing the whole ‘I’m evil and need to look the part’ deal. Just stop, please. You're not helping my image of you. I've got no problem with you wanting to be intimidating and all, but I'm just saying that that's been done, like, a thousand, billion times already. Black just isn't scary anymore."

It looks to the shuttered window across the room, and past it, almost as if it were looking out over the residents of Ponyville itself, and the race that small fraction represented.

~"Do you speak the truth?"~ I asks me in a voice that is hollow, yet also tinged with an emotion that is somewhere between anger and shame. ~"Have I really been in exile so long that the primal fear of the unknown that exists in all things has become dimmed and diluted to the point of irrelevancy? Is my current form nothing but a symbol of an age long past? Is my name now merely a title?"~

"Yes. Now that we've both agreed that you're completely obsolete, let's move on to the reason we're here. You'll just have to make do with being a pathetic excuse for the Nightmare you claim to be in the meanwhile. No big deal."

~"..."~

"Hey, you keep that accented silence to yourself. I'm doing you a favor here, so don't give me any attitude."

~"Just get on with it, human."~

"Right, well, for starters, I want you to repeat what you told me last night, but this time in detail; Who are you, really, and how did you get inside me?"

~"I am the being you have come to know as 'The Nightmare'. I have no name of my own, so I accept what this society has deemed apt. According to you however, a change may be in order, but that is an issue for later consideration. When you made contact with the runes on the altar last night, your mind momentarily melded with my own, and your body in turn proved a most convenient vessel, allowing me to escape the enchanted rock that had become my prison after I took refuge there two years prior."~

"Nice to see I could be of assistance," I remark without humor. "Now, explain to me exactly what it is you want."

~"I want no more than to right the wrongs of the past. Celestia has more skeletons in the closet than she cares to have you or any of her loyal subjects know about. I'm the one that got out, and I aim to bring all the rest with me."~

I think back to the night before, and the vision I'd witnessed—the sole reason I'd even decided to keep the Nightmare's location a secret till I'd heard its side of the story. If those events had indeed taken place, then it put the legitimacy of Celestia's entire nature into question.

"So, essentially," I surmise, "you want me to partner up with you and help bring to light Celestia's supposed crimes from days long past, rather than turn you in and let her do as she pleases with your sorry black hide and in turn have myself possibly be deemed a hero."

~"I urge you to consider. As I am, I have no power; I have been reduced to a mere shell of my former being by the power of the Elements, and thus my fate is in your alien hands. While I cannot pretend to have benevolent intentions for this land and its inhabitants, in the long term they will indirectly benefit as a result of my actions, finding themselves free of the invisible tyranny that surrounds them."~

The Nightmare falls silent, allowing me time to make a decision as it continues to stare at me through its softly glowing, emotionless, yellow eyes.

My first instinct is to turn to Casper for aid, as I'd need another point of view to aid in thinking it over. Sure, it would be easy to do as I'd said and expose the Nightmare, but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to resist opening the little black box that had fallen into my possession.

What am I going to do now?

That's up to you. Always has been.

Seeing as we were all in my own mind, however, even my unspoken words were heard by all.

~”Though I wish it were not the case, I cannot force my will upon you. Whether you choose to assist me or destroy me is entirely up to you.”~

“You are the bad guy. If I don't sell you out, I'd be putting all the ponies here at risk.”

~“And yet you haven't. Why is that? If I'm such a threat, why hesitate to turn me over to the Princesses and be rid of me for good?”~

“You know damn well why I'm hesitating. That vision, back at the Temple; That never happened. Celestia would never have-”

~“Never WHAT, exactly? You claim to know the inner machinations of the Princess of the Sun? Are you truly so conceited that you think the version of history to which you cling so dearly to be utterly infallible—to be the unadulterated truth?”~

“It's not conceit! Don't try your mind games with me! I've met Celestia. I know far more about this world than you give me credit for. You know NOTHING about me.”

~“You'd be surprised. For one thing, I know that you were not there on that fateful day a thousand years past, and that I was. As I've told you; All I did was open my mind to you and allow you to take but the briefest peek into my deepest, darkest memories. Unlike Celestia, I haven't twisted the truth.”~

“And why should I believe you? Celestia has been good to Equestria, there's no denying that. How can you possibly expect me to take your word over hers? How can you expect me to side with you and tear apart this land's peace and happiness on the basis of faith alone?”

~“It is your decision to make. Should you assist me, you will be doing no more than bringing down the web of lies that she has so meticulously created and spread throughout history. There will indeed be turmoil and unrest in the hearts of all her loyal subjects, but loyalties can change; Hearts can be won over once more.”~

“It's not a risk that I'm willing to take. What happened then doesn't affect me now, and it will continue to be a non-issue if I avoid getting involved.”

~“But you already are, ignorant human. Like it or not, you are already playing the unwitting role of one of Celestia's many pawns in this grand game of chess. You try to cut your ties with Discord, but the only other path for you to take leads straight to her. No matter your decision, you end up acting on behalf of one or the other.”~

“And why would I ever choose Discord? Even if—-and that's a big 'if'—what you're saying is true, I'd still choose Celestia over that conniving trickster.”

~“But at what cost? Stop thinking of the short term. What do you plan to do with the rest of your days? Run around in this silly little suburb, making friends left and right till you eventually expire? Isn't that exactly what you were trying to run away from?”~

“That's not-” I pause as the words finally process. “Wait... How the heck did you know about-”

~“I know more than you give me credit for, Joseph. I know you have secrets, and desires, just like anypony else that's ever drawn breath. I can see that you seek freedom, just as easily as I can see that you fear stagnation. No matter what you may think of Celestia, Discord, or even myself, I swear to you now that all you'll find on the Sunny side of the fence is a life of silent servitude and mediocrity.”~

“You make it sound so dull, but it's not all that bad living here.”

~“Not yet, it isn't. Not yet. But you and I both know that you won't stay satisfied for long. You crave bigger and better things. You have ambition. I talk from experience when I say that, under her watchful eye, that ambition will amount to nothing. What happens when you get bored? What happens when you can't earn her trust and she stands in the way of your eventual quest for power? What happens when you rebel?”~

An image of Discord, frozen in stone and cast into the void for millenia flashes through my mind. Try as I might, I cannot dispel the dread that follows.

~“Joseph, if I can't convince you to fight for Justice, then fight for yourself. Soon you'll come to understand the truth behind my words. You'll see for yourself what she has in store for you. Once the futility of your situation becomes absolute, will you accept your fate and bow to her as all have done before you? Or will you side with me, and craft a future with your own two hands?”~

~“I can promise you more power than you've ever dreamed of possessing. I can promise that you'll get more than your fill of excitement working beside me. I can promise that your life will finally and forever be your own to control. All I ask in turn is for your trust.”~

~“The choice is yours, but your decision is inevitable.”~

I do not respond immediately. I just don't know how to. Despite my claims of loyalty to Celestia and the ponies whose lives I have now entered, the Nightmare's words echo throughout my mind and ring with a truth that leaves me feeling utterly hollow: I would betray them all for my own sake. There would be a moment of hesitation, and maybe even regret, but ultimately my decisions would always come down to a matter of how much I could gain from a situation versus what I would risk losing.

Behind my mask of light-hearted cheer, there is a side to my personality that I struggle to keep under control, and to hide, even from myself; one that is shallow, selfish, and dishonest.

Corrupt.

But the Nightmare can see it as plainly as it could the unquenchable greed in my all-too-human heart. Would I play into its hands as I had supposedly been doing for Celestia and Discord up till then?

It's all up to you.

At least the Nightmare was giving me the power to make the decision. For once, I could have a semblance of control over my path.

And I intend to take full advantage of it.

When faced with a choice between obligating morals at the cost of having to live by the code of another—possibly for the rest of my life—or satisfying my own desires at the cost of having to live with whatever good or bad may take place as a result of my actions, my decision is indeed inevitable.

For this reason, I hate myself.

I hesitate...

But only for a moment.

“What do I have to do?”

~”Glad you could see things my way.”~

Let's hope you don't regret it.

End of Chapter 14

School, thou art a royal pain. Thankfully, I won’t have to deal with you for the next 3-4 months. Vacation time = Me time = Writing time. I’m getting back on the ball and I’m going to do my best not to fall off again till my academic responsibilities rear their ugly heads once more.

As for the chapter, what lies in store for our young semi-protagonist? Pre-emptive betrayal? Did he make the right choice? Did he have a choice? What could the Nightmare have shown him to make him even consider turning against Celestia? Why do kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

All this (Well, most of it) and more to be answered, next time on ADT. Stay tuned.

Prologue

Author’s Note: This is the first part of my ongoing attempt at creating an enjoyable HiE fiction experience. I aim to craft a world far more complex than what would be found in most other stories on the FiMfiction website, and it will be a long one that will potentially be split into multiple parts later on. For now, though, I want to display my current progress. This fiction will contain:

Ponies

Humans

Swearing

Additions and Editions to already established canon

Swearing

Blood, Fighting and occasional Death

Swearing

If you don’t enjoy any of the above content in your fics, this simply is not for you. If you don’t mind, or even enjoy those elements, then enjoy.

***

Prologue

"Silly humans. One does not simply catch me." I said aloud to the computer screen before me, as if my in-game adversaries could somehow hear my taunts over the internet without need for any sort of mike.

As the game played out, my hands deftly danced across the keyboard, hitting the appropriate buttons with split second timing, over a decade of practice showing through my concentration. In turn, the monitor showed all five members of the enemy squad doing their best, yet still failing, to subdue and violently kill my character. Time after time, just as my luck seemed to have run out, I'd make my demon jester jump to safety, baiting my enemies further and further away from their own haven while my teammates converged from behind.

"Idiots, the whole lot of you," I mutter as the first of their group falls, "running around like little headless chickens. I may be better than any one of you, but if you'd stop for a moment and think as a team, you wouldn't be losing so badly."

Why don't you just play for them then? You're so intent on winning, yet you're berating them for not being able to outplay you.

"I like winning," I answer myself, "but it feels meaningless unless it's earned. I want a challenge. Something to get my blood rushing. Something that will make me breathe a sigh of relief and have my heart racing with excitement once victory is at hand. This... This is a joke. Never once have I done poorly on my own. So long as my team is semi-decent, our success is assured before the game even starts."

You were singing a different song last year. You were new to this particular battlefield, once. There were those that mercilessly beat you down and made you feel worthless, much like you do to others now.

"Yet I persevered. I improved. I learned from my mistakes and those of others. Now it's weeks between games where my skills are actually strained. And even then, I know that if I were thrust into a similar match-up in the future, I would win without even breaking a sweat. Why do I bother? "

A minute later, the game was over. Once again, my team was the victor. Once again, the score showed that I had carried them to victory through my coordinated attacks and manipulation of the enemy team. A game it may be, yet I felt like a general at the head of an unstoppable army; A general who had reached his position only through love of blood and the rush of combat, only to discover after he had reached the top that there was no thrill in being unchallenged.

With a sigh, I closed the game. I sat there for several minutes, staring at the barren desktop and unsure of what to do next. As a bachelor, I found myself with far too much free time on my hands. My studies and numerous upcoming exams should have made that otherwise, if only they weren't as mind numbingly easy as the games I'd been using to fill my days outside of school. As it was, I had no urge to play anymore, and I didn't want to sleep or eat.

After an airy exhale that was somewhere between a sigh and a yawn, I numbly clicked the icon of a flaming fox and navigated my way to facebook; my usual fallback for when I found myself with nothing worthwhile to occupy my time with.

I was greeted by a flood of notifications: Reminders of birthdays for friends I didn't even remember having, invitations to obscure parties and animal rights movements, application spam and game invitations made up those which I disregarded. After dealing with the few that I deemed worth the effort, I made to move on to another time-wasting site. Youtube, Newgrounds, Funnygag- Anything to distract myself from my need for a distraction.

But I never made it off Facebook.

Right as my cursor was about to reach the search bar, I received a message. This in itself was an oddity, as I very rarely got private notes from anyone. Hovering over the new notification only served to double the strangeness of the occurrence.

"I got a message from... Discord?" I blurted, the only thing I could think to say in response to the increasingly bizarre situation. To the left of the blank preview for the text I'd just gotten, there was the unmistakable cartoon visage of none other than the draconequus antagonist from the television show.

It's either spam from one of those role-playing pony pages, or a mistaken message from one of those role-playing pony pages.

One that somehow found my hidden profile and managed to message it?

Probably an internal error on facebook's part? How the hell am I supposed to know?

Ignoring my subconscious urge to simply ignore it, I went ahead and opened the note.

"Greetings, human! I, as you've already noticed but doubtless refused to accept, am Discord, Spirit of disharmony. Before you disregard this message entirely, do both yourself and I the favor of reading it first. You've got nothing to lose but a minute of your time.”

“You're bored."

The statement caught me off guard but I shook off my surprise and read onwards.

"You crave excitement, challenge, something new, but you feel as if you'll never find that something in your daily, dull, mundane life."

I catch myself unconsciously nodding along in agreement with the accuracy of the words, but make no attempt to stop.

"You would do anything for a chance to get this elusive thrill. Well, almost anything, at least. You'd trade your current life in a heartbeat for one more adventurous and fantastic. That'd be a dream come true, wouldn't it?"

He had hit the nail more or less on the head. I would pass up my weekly cram sessions and increasingly monotonous afternoons in favor of days full of thrills any time. I continued onwards, now fully intrigued by this stranger that somehow knew precisely what I was feeling and thinking and that moment just as well as I did.

"Well, I can help. I can make your wish a reality, but only with your consent to do so. You'd get relative freedom, a new life to explore, power to use as you please, and in exchange, all I ask is that you give up everything you have now, for good. And when I say 'everything', I mean it to no small extent of the word.”

“Consider my offer. If you refuse, the decision is final. You will never get another opportunity like this again, I can promise you that. So choose wisely.”

“I await your response. Make it swift."

Well now... This is interesting. What are you going to do?

I don't know what to think. I can't explain how I got the message, or how this person seems to know me so well. I mean, this is more than a little over the top for a hacking scheme. I'm sure if they could bypass my security to send me this, and spy on me to learn so much, they could've taken anything they wanted by now. It seems they genuinely want a response to this.

So you actually believe that Discord, a freaking cartoon character, has contacted you, and wants you to make a relative deal with the devil. To trade your LIFE, in return for another?

Not... Necessarily. I can't exactly call this normal, though. I won't rule out supernatural influence. Judging from the facts, it's actually more likely than a regular hacker at this stage.

And ever so slightly less likely than this being an experiment of the government or the CIA or MIB or what-the-fuck-ever to enlist you into an alien fighting army, right?

That sounds so awesome, I'm actually hoping that's the case now. In any event, my supposed benefactor is waiting. If this is indeed supernatural, and I inadvertently doom myself, I die epically. If I truly do stand to gain from this, then huzzah! If it's just an internet prank then I haven't lost anything that can't simply be taken from me otherwise. I accept the offer.

Let's be sane for a second here. Let's, for one stupid moment, assume this is real. This is potentially trading your life here, forever. You have frie- acquaintances. You have family that you care abo- that care about you, possibly. You've got an exciting future in the working cla- you know what? Fuck it. Let's do this!

Without further pause for thought, I type my response:

"Alright Mister Discord, I accept your offer. Let's see what you have to offer."

It takes less than three seconds for him to reply. He hadn't been kidding about awaiting my response.

"EXCELLENT. Now that you are willing, allow me to assist you in upholding your end of the bargain.”

“I'll be ending your existence as a human in:

Ten...

Nine...

Eight..."

"A countdown?" I remark out loud, "Really? How cliched can you get? Cut to the fancy stuff already."

And he pauses, much to my continued surprise. I barely have time to register that he had impossibly reacted to my un-typed response before he speaks again.

"Have it your way then."

And my world explodes.

***

"You have GOT to be kidding me," I monotoned.

"Ah, but I beg to differ, my willing victim. Everything before you right now is utterly, undeniably real," came the bemused reply.

"Everything? What do you mean 'everything'?!" I indignantly exclaimed, "You're the ONLY thing here! There's nothing but pitch black as far as I can see in every direction. Heck, I can't even TELL if it's as far as I can see, because it's so damn dark!"

I was suspended above- below- god damnit, I was IN a void. There was nothing. Nothing but my own bizarrely visible body, naked, by the way, and the creature that had supposedly brought me there. I was too numb with shock to act surprised at the sight of none other than Discord in the flesh, so my next natural course of action was to get flustered and frustrated at my current reality's refusal to make sense.

The impossible draconequus chuckled and wiped a mock tear from his eye, "Ah, you would think this place was empty at first glance. But do not worry, human, for very soon you will see things as I do. But before we get to that, let's get this inevitable introduction out of the way. You're probably wondering where you are, how you got here, whether or not you're insane-"

"I'm pretty sure I can make a solid conclusion to that last one by now..."

"Whether or not you believe yourself to be of sound mind is irrelevant. The world of a mad man is nothing more than the world of a mad man. He cares not for the views of those he cannot perceive, as they cannot affect him."

"In other words I should stop worrying if this is a dream or not and just roll with it, because it's not like I have a choice either way. Oh joy," I dead-panned.

"Close enough. You've made your choice already, now you'll have to live with the consequences," he responded with a snaggle-toothed grin, "In any case, I'll fill you in on the basics of what's going on."

He made a move of clearing his throat, striding towards me on a non-existent red carpet. When he was right before me- or at least I assumed so, as distance was impossible to calculate when the only objects were our own equally glowing bodies, he curtseyed and grandly announced himself, "I... Am Discord, Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony," he hesitated before continuing, "At the very least, I am in Equestria."

I stared boredly at him.

He noticed my lack of reaction to his introduction after the pause, straightened his back once more, and continued "Eheh- But you already knew that, of course. What you don't know, however, is that I am not currently residing in that world. As you are aware, I was-" He winced, forcing the next words out of his gray-scaled mouth, "Defeated, by those insufferable ponies, and consequently imprisoned in stone. That stone prison is not simply a physical one, but an ethereal one as well. I have been utterly exorcised from the land of Equestria, Earth, and my universe of origin." He put a hand to his forehead in pretend despair.

“Earth? But you were just there, weren’t you?”

“I wasn’t referring to your Earth. Equestria exists on my universe’s variant to the Earth as you know it.”

"Wait, hold up. Universe’s variant? Are we talking multiple realities? Where are we? Where exactly were you exorcised to?" I inquired.

"This place has many, many names, and represents many different things, depending on where you originate from. For the sake of simplicity, you shall know it as the Source. That is also the term more educated ponies use to refer to it. 'The source of what?', would be the next question you want to ask me, so let me save you the trouble and answer it." He paused for dramatic tension.

I'm not sure what annoyed me more; the fact that he kept trying to make his explanation seem like some sort of exciting play, or that he actually had me hanging on his every word, so much so that I could do naught but blindly play along with a begging stare as he withheld information.

"This place," he finally continued after far too long, "Is the source of magic. Magic, not just for Equestria, but for all locations on all worlds. When I say magic, though, I don't strictly mean the spells and levitation and whatnot you know from the childish representation of the ponies' land in your world. The magic I'm referring to is the basest form of energy that forms the building blocks of all that was, is and ever shall be. While it may grow to be complex in some cases through interaction with different variations of itself, in its purest form it can be harnessed and controlled by those with the means and the desire. You're doing this as we speak, in a sense. You and every person you've ever known has been manipulating this energy on a daily basis, largely ignorant to the fact. You see, in this purest of forms, it becomes what you know to be 'will'."

He'd lost me. "Will? As in, willpower?"

"Correct. The Source is much like a river. It's always flowing, coursing towards its next imperceptible location. Except, in this river, there's not one uniform current. Every occurrence causes disturbances. Sometimes these occurences can lead to others, and they in turn lead to others, in a sort of domino effect. For example, the conceiving of a child. That child's life would be as a current in the river. Over the duration of its lifetime, it would interact with other currents, changing the course of events throughout the entire river to some small or large extent. These changes, these... Ripples, remain even after the one that caused them is deceased. The choices one makes are influenced by things that happen to them and those around them, and this is how a universe functions. A person's willpower is the measure of their ability to affect the world around them, to change the course of fate to their liking. As grand as this sounds, it generally comes down to things such as making yourself wake up on time for something important, or catching a dropped glass before it hits the floor, or winning a fistfight."

"I get the gist of it." I interject, wanting him to get on with it.

"No, you don't. Not yet. The examples I just listed are those that are observable in your world. In others, such as my own, the amount of will a being tends possess is far more varied. Those on the upper end of the spectrum, such as myself and the princesses, can largely alter the world around them on mere whims. The same can be seen in the countless other realities that exist. You would know of one particular world where humans called 'trainers' capture animals and force them to fight each other for the sake of earning themselves various colored badges and heightened social status. Ring any bells?"

"You have GOT to be kidding me."

He chuckles, "You said that already."

"You're telling me Pokemon are real? It's just a TV show!" I protest.

"Ah, but it is much more than that. Every fantasy you've seen, every daydream you've had, features an existing world. Every single one. Don't get overwhelmed though, as each reality is simply an alternation of your own, where events occurred differently earlier or later on in the timeline. Said events could even be the overlapping of another current entirely, in which case each universe leaves a lasting imprint on the other. The images they portray when they skew into other realities simply become unclear and twisted. In other words, you know about Equestria through a television show that you watch when you think nobody's looking. That universe, or current, as my analogy would better help me explain, passed closely to yours at some point in the recent years, sending ripples through it resembling the original, and the resulting output in your physical reality was a cartoon meant for children that also earned a place in the lives of many adult males, simply because those were the lives affected when the currents met."

My excitement peaks. "Wow. So you're saying I can visit any world I can imagine? I can live any fantasy?"

"No, because you're bound to let me choose. I'd say that's enough explaining for now, so let's get down to business. We made a deal; Your life in exchange for another more exciting. I never stated where I would let you live that old life. It's not going to be back on Earth, and it's certainly not going to be in a world of your choosing. I think you know where you're headed, human."

"Okay, firstly, enough of that. My name's Joseph. Secondly, you're sending me to Equestria? What is this, a bad fan fiction written by an overly self-indulgent author? Don't get me wrong, that would be exciting and all, but what do you get from all this?"

"Patience, Joseph. You'll learn in time. For now, all you need to know and accept is that I do indeed stand to benefit from your living there. All you need to do is have fun. Of course, being a bland and boring human in a magical world isn't your idea of fun, now is it?" His teeth somehow manage to glint as his smile widens.

It takes me a moment to pick up on what he's saying, "You mentioned giving me power..."

"Quick on the uptake, are we? Yes, I will indeed be granting you power; Power that so plainly manifests itself in daily Equestrian life. You shall have the ability to control... Your bodily functions."

My grin drops instantly, and Discord begins cackling maniacally at my expression. I watched him have a laugh at my expense for a good two or three of whatever counted as minutes in that place before he finally reduced his mirth to giggles.

"Heheh, didn't expect that did you?" He asks, wiping a remorseless tear from his eye, "Ah, how I miss having someone to toy with."

"Please tell me that was just a joke," I genuinely beg.

"Of course it was," he replies with a bemused smile. "I'm a draconequus of my word. I said you shall have power, and you shall have it. I'll grant you the ability to focus and control the magic of Equestria, far more intimately than the average unicorn would be able to."

I am unable to hold back a whoop of victory.

"I can't make you a wizard just like that, though. I can connect your spirit to the leylines of energy coursing throughout the land. I can even boost your meager natural ability with my own. I cannot, however, grant you skill. You must learn on your own, through practice, and study."

"Nothing I'm not used to." I say with a wave of my hand. "But before you make with the awesome power giving and whatnot, I still want to know one thing. Why me? Not that I'm complaining, but there are literally billions of other humans to choose from. Beyond that, according to what you told me, there are countless of creatures from other worlds. Why pick me? Unless I'm not the only one?"

"'Oh, you are. Trust me on that. As for my reasoning, well, remember when I said that the energy from the source permeates all worlds?"

I nod.

"The energy manifests differently in each realm, depending on the evolutionary traits of those attempting to use it. In Equestria, it's either the Unicorns, who utilize the energy as a means to assist them in performing their 'special talent' that they are destined to, the Pegasi, who's ability to fly and manipulate the weather are innate gifts of nature, or the earth ponies, who have absurd amounts of physical strength and stamina. Each living creature is affected by the energy from the Source in some way, and it is that resulting ability or trait that defines their very race. This holds true not just to the Equestrian Earth, but to all worlds..." He paused in his monologue and gave me a look that was somewhere between confusion and curiosity, "Except yours."

I took a few moments to digest what I'd just learned before speaking once more, "Why is our world devoid of--for want of a better term--magical influence?"

Discord straightened and began pacing back and forth across nothingness while he stroked his absurd beard.

"It truly irritates me to admit this, but I don't know. The energy from the Source should have a defining role in every world, because the universes themselves are composed of this inter-universal energy. Yours, however, seems to not only have evolved without any sort of evolutionary traits that allow conscious use of magic, but is also somehow doing just fine without it. I chose your world more out of a lack of options than anything else. In much the same way a planet has an atmosphere that protects it from extraterrestrial influence, a universe has a magical maelstrom surrounding it that restricts the use of magic within to just that which matches its particular rules. Can't picture a color that doesn't exist, now can you? Because of that very lack of magic in your own, I was able to make use of my powers to do what I did. Whereas I had found myself physically stranded out in the cosmos in every prior universe I had tried, I was able to teleport around in yours, and used my unrestrained powers to find your universe's counterpart to Equestria, because if I’m going to send a creature over, they should at least be able to breathe the same air as and understand the locals. That world was Earth. Yes, there are hundreds of languages on your planet, but Equestria is a mere country that speaks primarily one tongue. Humans know it is English, and Northern America’s dialect happened to be the closest to Equestria’s."

He points directly at me, "I then began searching on an individual level, traveling to various high-traffic locations around the country and sending out pulses of subconscious urges, then listening to individual thought responses. For example, telling someone to do something as simple as take candy from a baby. Most people reacted with revulsion towards themselves for even considering such deviant acts. Some reacted too extremely, proceeding to do things well beyond the spirit of mere deviation. Then, I found someone who not only accepted the urges as natural and acceptable courses of action, but sought ingenious ways to actually carry them out. Remember a month ago, when you managed to gain access to your principal’s facebook profile by having him tell you the name of his first dog in school, which also happened the answer to his security question?”

I nod, getting a idea of where this was going.

“The only reason you considered trying to hack into it in the first place was because I made you consider it. You went on to think of ways to use it for mischief, without my prompting. Brilliant idea, by the way; taking the private conversations teachers were having about students behind their backs and sending them out to everyone you could get to using the principal’s own identity.”

“Thanks...” I numbly stated. It was all pretty cool, having been essentially talent-scouted by a demigod, but the way he had done it left me wondering just how much of my decisions had really been mine over the last few weeks. How long had he been testing me?

“You were not the only person who I found suitable for my task, but you are the most suited. You have no familial ties, no friends to miss or urge to make any, you scorn public morals, you didn’t even enjoy living the life you did. You were perfect. And, as luck would have it, you were one of the souls affected by Equestria's entanglement with your world. It was simply meant to be. I proceeded to make you an offer you couldn't refuse. Once you were mentally willing, you were spiritually willing, and your soul allowed itself to be pulled to me, and now here you are."

"And my body?" I want to know what he's done with my fleshy home of twenty years.

He responds as casually as if I'd asked him what he'd last had to eat,"I had to make sure you had no way to go back on your word, so I blew up your head."

He meets my incredulous stare with the most innocent grin imaginable for a creature with such a twisted visage.

"You... You killed me?!"

He stifles a fake yawn, "You've been dead all this time. I don't see why it's such an issue now that you know the method of your departure."

I calmly relay my view on the matter to him, "Could you think of any other, I don't know, LESS DAMAGING WAYS TO GO ABOUT IT?!"

"What's the point in doing something if you don't do it with a bit of flair?" He asks in a way that makes it clear he needs no answer, "You'll come to see things my way in time. Now enough with the chit chat, on to the matter of connecting you to the magical realm."

I pinch my forehead, forcing myself to calm down, and motion for him to continue.

"The first thing I'm going to do is dedicate a small portion of your consciousness to actually managing this link. The amount of magic there is to see, sense and control is, quite frankly, overwhelming to one unprepared to experience it all. Unlike the ponies of the world you're about to join, you were not born with a natural connection to the leylines, and your mind is certainly not resilient enough to handle the sudden forming of one. At least, your conscious mind isn't. Your subconscious is a vast thing indeed. It's the part of you responsible for maintaining all the bodily functions and whatnot that you are consciously too distracted to be trusted with. It only makes sense that this be the part of the mind allowed to handle magical exchanges as well."

"You talk about my mind as if I still have a body. I'm a spirit now, right? Shouldn't I be entirely, um, consciousness? I mean, I have no brain or body to take care of anymore, so why-"

"Ah- stop right there. Take a look at yourself. You seem to have forgotten within the last few minutes, but your form is still that of a human. That's that you were born as, and so you shall remain until your dying day. Normally, when someone dies, mind and body are so closely linked that the spirit expires along with the physical form. After this, they lose cohesion, and become part of the environment, rather than factors affecting it."

"So we're recycled, essentially," I simplify.

"Energy can neither be created, nor destroyed, but merely converted from one form to another. We all have to return to the Source at some point in time, even I. It's simply a matter of how long we can cling to our existences before we finally bite the dust. In any case, you never did die. I separated your mind and body before doing away with the latter. Your mind is still accustomed to your old shell, so that is your spiritual form. It is also the form you will take once you arrive in Equestria, so start planning some way to convince the locals to overlook your oddities."

"You mean I'm not going to get to be a pony?" Sad brony is sad.

"You could always try a body swapping spell at some point, if you truly feel like giving up the use of opposable thumbs that much."

"Well if you put it like that..."

"Enough with tangents. Back to what I was saying. I'm going to acquaint part of your subconscious mind with the magic around you. Since you cannot consciously handle that connection, and you need to have some form of conscious control over it to be able to make use of it in the first place, you will need a proxy of sorts."

"Like, a way for me to indirectly communicate with that part of my mind without sending myself insane?"

His gives me a particularly mischievous smile now, and a pinkish glow begins to flow off of him and slowly envelops me.

"Well, I don't know about not sending you insane," he says, "but at the very least, you won't be brain dead."

I don't even get a chance to protest before there's a blazing flash of heat in my head. I try to cry out in pain, but my body refuses to listen. The heat within me blossoms outwards, making me feel like my head is growing grotesquely large, despite the fact that the hands clutching the sides of it tell me it's just an illusion. I feel like I'm being stretched out and over myself, and beyond that, in an expanding sphere of sudden awareness. It swells in size, every relative foot of expansion making me wish all the more that I truly was dead due to the fact that I couldn't pass out from the pain. Just when think I can't take it any more, the burning stops, quickly fading away and leaving both myself and the invisible sphere of sensation around me pulsing with warmth.

I realized I'd curled into a fetal position over the course of my torture, and gingerly ease myself out of it. Discord, meanwhile, is more than a little amused at my pain.

What the hell was that all about? My aching body aside, that was seriously freaky.

Tell me about it.

I recoiled violently at the unexpected response, and immediately regretted it as my still sore body was put through another bout of agony. Noticing my bizarre reaction to what would have seemed like nothing in particular, the draconequus leaned in with a renewed level of curiosity.

While I'd always made use of a sort of alter ego for the purpose of making better judgments by looking at things from multiple angles at once, it was always my own conscious effort driving the voice behind it. What I'd just heard, in my own mind, wasn't me, and that's a startling and highly disturbing reality to have to deal with so suddenly.

Oh relax, it's not so bad. Now you have a real voice in your head to chat with! No more of that weaksauce split personality thing. I'm the real deal now.

"What... The hell. Discord, there's a voice in my head. Why is there a voice in my head? What did you do to me?!"

He simply chuckled at my distress, "Don't look so stressed, Joseph the Human. Aside from significantly boosting your level of spiritual energy, and linking you to the realm of magic that was previously hidden to you, I took the liberty of widening the gap between your conscious and subconscious mind to the point where it developed a secondary consciousness of its own to cope with the lack of direction. Thankfully, that part wasn't too difficult because you seem to have been practicing doing it on your own for quite some time. The separation was practically automatic when I began my work. However, now you don't need to worry about managing two personalities at once. It's got a mind of its own and it's there to stay!"

We'll be the best of friends, I just know it! I also know your deepest, darkest, unspoken secrets, like why your right arm is so much stronger than your left-

Son. Of. A. BITCH.

You don't seem nearly as happy as I am. I'm not worried though, that'll change soon enough.

"Discord... Why?" I plead for an explanation.

"This is all part of the process for allowing you to control magic. Like I said, you cannot consciously handle all the information that would flood your mind should I simply allow you to view reality as I do. Thankfully, you no longer have to. Your mental companion will now act as the proxy I mentioned between you and the Source. It'll keep you sane--to an extent--and allow you to control the flow of energy through your body far more effectively than the average pony, seeing as you don't need to focus nearly as much to achieve the same results. Don't get too relaxed though. You'll still need to put forth some significant effort on your part if you want to end up on the same level as a unicorn that's been practicing since they were foals."

He made sense. I didn't like that, because I no longer had a valid reason to be angry at him.

"Aside from the whole intrusion-in-my-mind thing, I felt really weird when you were doing what you did, like I was being stretched out. Even now, I can feel myself tingling in places where my body clearly isn't. What's that about?"

"That was the feeling of your aura being made to expand rapidly through the equivalent of force-feeding it my own energy."

"Aura? You never mentioned-"

"Bioelectric field, if you like that term better. All living creatures have it. It's the feedback from their constant magical resonance with the stream. It pulses at such a high rate that it feels like a constant sphere of sensation around yourself, but in reality it's more along the lines of a heartbeat, only driven by magic. The higher one's magical potential, the larger their aura. It's convenient for things other than simply gauging thing ability of an individual too. For example, you can focus your awareness at any point within your personal field, allowing you to see far more than your eyes would show you. You can also 'synchronize' with others through this field, effectively forming a mental link. You can overwhelm the senses of someone significantly weaker than you by forcing a large portion of your energy through to them at once and causing their mental faculties to overload. The list goes on. Mastering your aura is vital to your success in the use of magic."

So you and I will have to get along if you want reach anywhere.

Reach anywhere? I'm going to Equestria! There's nothing to do but relax and make friends!

Sure, you're going to a veritable utopia ruled by friggin ponies, but you'd be lying to yourself if you deny your inevitable quest to conquer the land through the use of less-than-friendly magic.

Conquer the-

Something clicked in my mind. "So that's your game. You don't care about me simply being successful in magic you were just generous enough to bestow upon me. You want me to use the power to wreak havoc throughout Equestria! I'll tell you right now; I'm not doing it."

Discord held up his hands in a calming gesture. He was smiling as he responded, "Don't get ahead of yourself. As I told you, I have my reasons, and you taking over the land once your basic human nature kicks in is not one of them. No, I don't expect everything to be fine and dandy once you're there. Yes, I do expect there to be occasional conflicts that arise from your interest clashing with those of the natives. But I do not expect you to intentionally harm anyone. Human you may be, and that makes you capable of things ponies would never even conceive of, but you also know these creatures, and you care for them without even having met them in the flesh. Such a foolish and ill thought-out plan is beneath me."

"And I suppose it would be stupid of me to ask, once again, for you to tell me what exactly it is you are planning?"

"If I told you, and it turned out that I do not, in fact, have nothing but the best interests of the ponies at heart, would you choose not to go? You have no home to return to back on Earth. You'd be trapped in limbo forever, here, in the world between the worlds. You have neither the knowledge of how to create a body on a new world, nor to the power do so. In fact, I give you that very choice now. Will you choose them, and damn yourself, or will you take advantage of my most generous gifts and go wild in a new and wondrous life?" He leans in expectantly, an uncharacteristic frown across his features.

My silent scowl is more than enough answer.

"Excellent!" His devious smile returned as quickly as it had slipped from his face, "Now let's continue, shall we? To your alter ego--I know you can hear me--would you be so kind as to reveal to your ignorant counterpart exactly what his eyes fail to see in the 'void' surrounding us?"

Brace yourself. It's a lot to take in, and I'll only be showing you this for a second.

Just a second? Why-

And I was blinded. Where mere fractions of a fraction of a second before there was nothing but pitch blackness, there was now light. There was light everywhere. Red glows, streaks of yellow and green, splashes of violet staining the immeasurably huge expanse of color. There was no wall, no end to the vastness of it all. I felt like I had been thrust into the emptiness of space, but even that paled in comparison. Where before there had been nothing with which to gauge distance, there were now impossibly huge stretches of purple and blue haze between thousands, millions, billions of even larger, glaringly bright globs of color. I myself was on the brink of one such glob, which was duller than the rest. The sheer size of it alone made my head spin with vertigo. To compare myself to it would have been to compare myself to the universe. And that's when realization struck, and the darkness returned with a vengeance. Before my mind fully registered it, my poor, limited eyes told me I was once again blind to reality, and back in the pure blackness of the void.

My inner voice was silent, as was Discord. The latter watched me expectantly, waiting to hear what I had to say. When I spoke it was only after several minutes of staring blankly forwards into the nothingness- Except now I knew it was more than just that. Far more than I could ever hope to fully understand.

"That was... The Source, wasn't it?"

"Correct, Joseph. That mere peek you had at reality is how I am constantly forced to look at things. It may seem a bit grandiose to you right now, but trust me when I say that it does put some considerable strain on the mind after some time. Honestly, I envy the ignorance of creatures such as yourself. It becomes so very difficult to keep my thoughts in order in this prison." His smile became wicked, "Then again, who needs order?"

I was still far too dazed to be annoyed by his rambling, "Those... Giant globs. Are those universes?"

"Every one. And the particularly dull one we're currently floating outside of is yours. That little glimpse was the last you'll ever see of it, so I hope you remember it well. You would have also noticed several universes directly adjacent to your own." By 'directly adjacent' he meant distances spanning what would have been countless lightyears. "Those are the ones that only very recently tangled with yours. One of them houses the version of Earth that is home to Equestria."

"So you've awoken my latent magical ability, given me a way to actually use it by splitting my subconscious mind into two parts, and shown me what reality looks like, just in case I thought you were bullshitting me or something with everything before. Exactly how much else is there to do before I can be on my merry way?"

BRING ON DA PONIES!!!!

"Just one more thing. Magic operates more or less the same in every universe, and mostly comes down to focus and intent. However, Equestria's magic is tied more closely to emotion and passion. Without those things, it becomes unstable and degenerates into... Chaos."

"So you're saying that if I don't mean what I'm telling the magic to do, or my heart's just not in it, the spell would fall apart?"

"Potentially with dire consequences. Aside from that hurdle, which I have faith you'll overcome with time, you'll remember that magic there isn't so simple that any fool off the street could perform it."

As he said that, I remembered Twilight needing to be trained for years by the Princess once her talent had been discovered, and that she had used many books of magical theory while doing so. A book couldn't contain instructions on how to feel, which meant there was yet more for me to learn.

"Are there magical words or something?" I venture.

"Of a sort. There are runes. Each one, when envisioned mentally and subsequently charged with magic, will alter the world around the person casting the spell in some way. They act as channels, limiting what magic can be used for in Equestria. The magic of the planet itself was tied to them long ago by the Princesses themselves to prevent destructive magic from being used by anyone with ill intent. The magical seal over the land was then held in place by the Elements of Harmony. They are the focal point of Equestria's magic and balance. There are destructive runes, but those are kept hidden from the public eye in the minds of the Alicorns themselves. After safeguarding their land from most magical harm, they bound the magic of the races themselves to these runes, so that only when one learned to be truly passionate about something would they be connected with the magical leylines and realize their true potential- A connection that is represented by the appearance of a meaningful mark on their flanks. Even then, they would only be capable of mastering see what their hearts guided them to. See how it all comes together?"

"So cutie marks were invented by Celestia and Luna?" This came as a shock. I'd simply believed that they were a natural occurrence in the species. But what Discord was telling suddenly made my previous assumption seem silly indeed.

"It was mostly Celestia's decision, for your information. Luna simply went along with what her big sister deemed to be justice. All for the peace of Equestria. The reason I'm telling you this is because I am not bound by these magics, and by extension, neither are you. There's a reason Celestia sealed me in stone and cast me from the land twice instead of simply limiting my powers as she had done to the rest of her race, without their consent, mind you." He snarled suddenly, "I refused to be contained, so she gave me my wish, but not in the way I had wanted. Be wary of Celestia, Joseph. She may be the leader of a utopia, but the price she pays is that she herself must live in the darkness of her own heart. She's far from being the benevolent Princess of the Sun she'd have you believe she is. Her own sister is not above her wrath, once incurred. For your own sake, you must learn the runes and abide by them when under her gaze. Perform any unusually disruptive spells, and before you have a chance to protest you will find yourself suffering my fate," he finished bitterly. For once, the smile did not return to his face. He glared at me, not with anger, but with expectation. He wanted me to learn from his mistakes, and seemed to truly mean every word.

"I see..." Part of me wanted to keep my faith in Celestia, but another more rational part told me that I would do well to heed Discord's warnings. I told him what he wanted to hear. "Teach me the runes. I promise to keep myself in check."

"You'd better, for both our sakes..." He muttered, punctuating his statement with a snap of his fingers.

Whoa mamma. Tell him to ease up a bit. I have my limits.

What are you talking about? He hasn't done anything yet.

Not that you can see. He's imprinting his knowledge of Equestria's runes onto your subconscious mind, meaning I have to deal with it all! Believe me, it's a hell of a lot to take in. I don't know if I can take much more of- Oh, never mind. He's done.

I sighed in exasperation and focused on Discord once more.

"Is that the last step?" I ask.

"Yes," He confirms, "I'm about to send you on your way.”

It was only as he closed his eyes and scrunched his face up in concentration that I realized a gap in my preparedness, and became concerned.

“Where exactly am I going to end up? Even in a land of merriment and ponies, I doubt I’d last long in a place like the Everfree Forest.”

He spoke without seeming to lose focus, “Oh, don’t fret. I wouldn’t endanger your life so carelessly. In any case, there’s only one place I am capable of sending you in that universe. I may be exiled from the land, but my physical form still resides there, and as such, while my spirit cannot enter it once more, I can still send the spirit of another through to Equestria using my own body as a point of origin. The bonds of the reality itself tend to bend in my favor around my statue, much like they do around my being here, so I’m going to use that influence to ensure your new body is properly formed and attuned to your spirit once you arrive. Beyond that, you’re on your own. I can neither observe nor affect you once you leave the immediate range of my prison.”

“And if I’m spotted appearing directly at the foot of Discord’s statue, do you really think that will help my chances of being allowed to stay?” I ask incredulously.

“I can tell that the planet itself is currently in a night cycle, and there aren’t any guards in the immediate vicinity of my body, because the emotions of living beings tend to affect the runes that bind me in ways that the Princess does not find favorable, so you should arrive with relative secrecy.”

“Relative?” I was liking this less and less with each passing moment.

He didn’t even deem my last question worthy of a direct response. “Good luck, and do try to make a good first impression. Now brace yourself."

I groaned. "I've heard that one too many times recently, and every time it's meant I was about to experience excruciating-"

And my world explodes, again.

E2 to E4

End of Prologue

This was a lot of fun to write. It also took fucking FOREVER because I have a terrible case of Procrastination. This aint the normal “I don’t feel like it” kind of procrastination. This is Procrastination with a capital fucking ‘P’, so you know it’s serious. Every time I tried to overcome it, one body part or another would seize up and DEMAND I find another use for my time. That said, the hardest part of writing is beginning. Now that the ball is rolling, I think future chapters will come out far more smoothly.

Remember, if you spot any typos or inconsistencies, please point them out in the comments. I currently have no proof-readers (That actually do anything, at least), so I'm doing my best to keep everything as good looking as possible on my own.

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"I did tell you so."

"Shut up."

“If you'd only listened-"

"Shut up!"

"Someone's sore about taking correction."

"Princess High-and-Mighty, I am very sore right now, but for entirely different, more physical reasons."

"Well who's fault is that? You just had to encourage her, didn't you?"

"I swear to G- Celes- Whoever I'm supposed to swear to in this case, if you don't stop being smug and get me back on my feet now I'll-"

"Technically, we'd be getting your feet back on you, wouldn't we?"

I said nothing. I just glared at Celestia, who insufferably smirked right back. I would have simply walked away from her, but that wasn't an option on account of the fact that my feet had been severed at the ankles. Yeah, ouch.

My initial reaction had been copious amounts of screaming and swearing, followed by muffled whimpers as Celestia used her magic to reduce bleeding to a trickle and nullify the pain receptors to a mere dull roar. Luna had been absolutely horrified at what her carelessness had caused, and rushed some distance off to the side, repeating quick “I'm sorry”s until she was out of earshot. I couldn't be mad at her--I had brought it upon myself. At the moment, Celestia was just holding my fee- ankles upright with telekinesis to reduce blood flow while simultaneously holding the fact that she'd been right over my head.

"I'll heal you, but you need to promise to take advice when it's offered in the future," she told me.

"Alright, okay! I'll be more humble and think before acting from now on," I appeased her, "Now if you'd be so kind..."

She rolled her eyes, then closed them just long enough to protect herself from a flash of brilliant white light from her horn. I didn't even get the benefit of a warning.

"Gah!" I shielded my scorched pupils far too late, only to be greeted by the pleasant after-image of an amused Celestia in the darkness.

She spoke while I was still trying to rub them back to normal. "I teleported them--the right way--from the leisure room above us and directly back onto your legs. I also healed the tissue to the point where you won't even have to worry about a scar. You should consider yourself lucky that the teleportation wounds were so clean this time around."

"I'm ecstatic," I replied, moving to massage my oddly numb ankles and discovering that she had thankfully brought them down with the shoes still firmly attached. She’d even been considerate enough to clean the blood.

"Now that you're in one piece again, I'd like you to go and console my sister and offer her some words of encouragement. She's really torn up about all this."

"Yeah, fine, I'll- Wait... Not funny."

"I beg to differ," said the totally mature eons-old Alicorn goddess, as she grinned helplessly at her own pun.

Grumbling under my breath, I got off the grass and looked around for Luna. I spotted her watching from a ways off, amidst various decorative hedges, and headed to meet her. Surprisingly, my feet didn't even ache anymore. Big Horsey had been extremely thorough in her healing, and I made sure to add it to my to-do list to learn exactly how to do whatever she had done, and do it better.

Luna sheepishly glanced away as I got near. Before I could say anything, she offered yet another apology, "I'm sorry for running off like that, but I simply cannot stand the sight of blood."

"I don't really blame you," I told her. "Would blood be a regular sight in such a peaceful land?"

She sighed, "Not in recent years, thankfully. Things have changed largely for the better in my absence."

That intrigued me. In recent years? There had been bloodshed in the past? Sure, I knew the world would be different than the one portrayed on television, but by how much? Equestrian history would definitely be a topic of interest to me in the coming weeks.

"Also, I shall take this incident as a hint that I should continue practicing my teleportation technique with non-living objects," she muttered.

"On the upside, at least you managed to get us to the intended location, right?" I consoled.

Her cheeks somehow managed to flush through her dark blue coat as she answered. "Not... Exactly. I was aiming for the ring of sheltered tables over there, where we're supposed to meet the pony Celestia called for." She gestured towards a quaint set of scattered stone tables and benches about twenty feet away from us in the direction opposite the palace walls, all in the shade of a large cypress tree.

"Well, that's not too far off," I said. "We arrived right next to the palace. I don't mind the short walk."

"You don't understand; I intended to arrive directly in the middle of the all the furniture. Had I not tried to be overly fancy, and attempted to send us to where we did show up, we could very well have been phased directly into the walls of the palace itself."

Oh...

"Oh..."

Suddenly, getting my feet chopped off didn't seem like such a terrible mishap. Maybe I could leave learning teleportation for another, far, far more distant time.

"Well, you learn by making mistakes. We're all still alive and breathing, and that's all that matters!" I exclaimed with forced cheer. "Let's go meet this assistant so I can be on my merry way."

"Yes, let's. Anything to get my mind off this most recent failure."

I waved Celestia over from where she had been standing and observing my interaction with Luna, and together we made our way to the tables to meet Celestia's assistant. I only spotted the pony when we were mere feet from the shady area, due to his coloration. He was a lightly built, blue-maned unicorn with a gray coat and stereotypical herald reading glasses, dressed from head to toe in yet another nearly ridiculous fancy outfit.

I was surprised to find him already seated. How long had he been there waiting? How long had he been watching?

"I trust your feet are fully recovered by now?" he asked with a smirk.

Well that answered one question...

I didn't respond, instead giving him a hard look of annoyance whilst silently adding him to my list of ponies that I would not lend a pencil to if they ever needed one, which I had only just then decided to make.

"Good morning, Silas," said Celestia.

"Only because you make it so, my liege," he replied with utmost sincerity.

Kiss-ass.

"You're early. I requested that you meet me here a full ten minutes from now."

"You know my work ethic, Princess; Nothing is too important to drop where you're concerned. Pleasantries aside though, who--or what--is this?" he looked me up and down, face displaying no signs of intrigue, fear or disgust.

"This is Joseph, the only human in Equestria," she explained casually. "Discord is up to his old tricks again, except this time he's playing around in the multiverse. Somehow he managed to pick him off his home world and transport him here, for whatever reason I cannot say, though I am certain that he has something planned. Joseph claims innocent victimization, and you know full well that I am a firm believer in 'innocent until proven guilty' philosophy."

"Indeed, my Princess," he supplied curtly.

She continued, "I do not want to hurt any creature--pony or not--if I don't have to. Even so, I can't have him stay in Canterlot until any and all suspicion has been cleared of his involvement with Discord. So for his sake, I want you to arrange for his indefinite stay with our friend Cashmere, so that he can still live in relative peace until a method is found to send him home."

"As you wish, most benevolent ruler. I will return momentarily," he stated with a nod, after which he walked past us towards the palace.

I was quite frankly surprised at how open Celestia had been to him. On top of that, he hadn't flinched upon hearing Discord's name, or asked a single question, or even reacted emotionally. He was more like a trained dog than a pony, and yet for some reason I got the impression that he was behaving that way of his own accord.

Perhaps it was because the moment he entered the door and left our field of view, both Princesses let out annoyed groans.

"Honestly, why do you keep him in the position he has?" Luna said with a roll of her eyes. "Respect is always appreciated, but he treats you like a dictator! Tell him to ease up on the compliments at the end of every sentence."

Celestia smiled sweetly at her sister, "You say that, yet I somehow get the feeling that you're just a tad jealous of his affection."

Luna stamped a forehoof to the ground. "Tis a lie! I mean- That's not true! If I had an assistant, he would treat me with twice as much respect as Silas does you!"

Her response only made Celestia chuckle, "I thought your issue was with him treating me like that to begin with. Wouldn't you having a pony do the same for you be contradictory of that?"

Luna opened her mouth to retort, but no words came out. She bit her lip and blushed furiously as she realized the trap she'd led herself into.

I laughed at her reaction, having watched the events unfold with great interest. Every word spoken let me understand more and more about the personalities of each pony and the relationship they shared. It was a shame I wouldn't get a chance to get to know them better, but the situation was what it was. I'd have plenty of time for learning about the individuals that had only the day before been mere fantasy to me once I had settled in to whatever place Cashmere had available for me.

Celestia turned to me, her smile changing from one of amusement to one of benevolence. "Joseph, I want you to know that even though I cannot grant you all the rights of a true citizen of Equestria, I will still be willing to help if you truly need it. The truth of the matter is that my sister and I are responsible for what happened to you, and so we will bear the weight of that responsibility until all wrongs have been righted. If you ever have need of us, send a message through Cashmere. We may not be your explicit rulers, but we will treat you as no less than any living, feeling creature deserves to be cherished."

Luna had regained her composure while Celestia said what she had to, and gave a firm nod and gentle smile once she had finished.

I didn't know what to say, really. I was an outsider--a threat--and yet in spite of this knowledge, they treated me like I was one of them? I had been a fool to give Discord's words any merit. Celestia was every bit the kind and fair ruler she had appeared in my world. Knowing that she was the one in control here gave me a sense of security that I hadn't even known I was lacking. I felt... I don't know what. But it felt good.

And the Grinch's heart grew ten times in size that day.

Oh screw you...

I smiled. "Thank you. That really means something to me."

And with that we lounged in the relative coolness of the area for the next few minutes, neither making small talk or bringing up new issues. We simply relaxed and took in the serenity of the scenery; The birds twittering and singing in the branches above. The rustling of the leaves as the occasional light breeze blew through them. The scent of the grass and light moss that had been allowed to grow along the base of the concrete furniture. It all came together so beautifully that I didn't even notice the time passing. Before I knew it, I heard the sound of rapid hoof-steps across the lawn coming from the direction of the castle.

I looked over and saw a quickly approaching Silas, trailed by two almost identical white coated pegasi in full Sun-themed regalia. All three of us rose from our various sitting and lying positions to greet them. All three of the company bowed deeply to Celestia once they arrived, and only a pair gave a similar greeting to Luna, who tried to look indifferent about the lack of reverence on her part.

"My Princess," said Silas, once he finally decided to stop kissing the grass, "I have forwarded your most gracious requests to Cashmere's abode. She will doubtless be preparing herself for the guest's reception as we speak. I also procured two winged guards to serve as escorts for the human, who I humbly suggest be allowed to travel to Ponyville by way of magic chariot, so as to avoid causing a stir among the citizens that travel aboard the Canterlot Express."

"A wise precaution, my most loyal assistant," commented Celestia.

The fan-boy unicorn practically glowed with the praise, barely managing to keep his teeth from showing in his grin. It was at that moment that I began to question whether he'd ever met with Twilight. Both of them shared similar levels of adoration for the Princess of the Sun, and I just knew that they would compete for her attention if they were given the chance.

We'll just have to make that happen at some point, now won't we?

"The chariot is prepped and at the ready," informed Silas. "Simply give the word and he shall be on his way."

Celestia nodded and turned to me. "Joseph, you are free to go. Good luck in your efforts to learn about our race, and I hope you continue to be this sure of your satisfaction with the cards life deals you. Remember, try not to cause any trouble, and do not attempt to enter Canterlot after today unless I explicitly request it."

"Yes, mom," I droned.

Luna snickered, the soldiers and snob gasped, and I choked. One moment I was being a smartass, and the next my mouth felt like it was being stuffed full of meat.

I reached up to find what the intrusion was, and felt that my tongue has swollen like a balloon, puffing up to almost entirely occupy my oral cavity.

"Wbud duh bug?! Wbud dud youb do duh bee?" I sputtered at the openly smiling Alicorn.

Ooh. A tissue swelling spell? Clever. I'll be holding on to this one.

Now's not the time to be admiring her handiwork! Reverse it!

Can't. I'd need runes for time reversal, or healing, or nullifying- I don't know. It's one thing to mimic the runes for a spell that’s been directly used on you. It's another entirely to understand what they all mean and come up with a counter. You're on your own here.

Behind me, I could hear the three ponies guffawing at my speech. Luna was actually doing her best to resist making me feel worse by laughing by smothering herself with a hoof, but she failed right after her coat went from reddish-purple to near crimson. It was a wonder and a shame that none of them asphyxiated, considering what a riot they were having.

"I think it would be best you take a small break from speaking," said an extremely smug Celestia. "Even your tongue seems to have swollen from overuse!"

I glared at her as the laughter of those around us only doubled in intensity.

"Ablight, ablight! Abll dop. Bdow bebursd id!" I pleaded.

She happily shook her head. "If I reverse it, then you wouldn't have learned anything, now would you? The spell will fade on its own once you go the day without speaking."

"Well there goes any chance of interesting conversation during the trip," said one of the pegasi, at which a new wave of laughter came over them. Almost infuriatingly, Celestia was the only one able to maintain her composure through it all, though she was more than a little amused by the looks of her smile.

'Kind and benevolent' my ass.

I gave up protesting, and sat sullenly till they'd exhausted their oxygen supplies twice over.

I'll get her for this, mark my words.

I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of the butthurt.

...

Once every idiot had had his or her fun, Silas motioned for the guards to lead the way for me. As I followed, I gave Luna--and only Luna--one final wave farewell, as she was the least irritating pony there. I had no idea when next I'd see either Princess again, but it didn't seem like it would be for quite some time.

Rather than lead me through the palace again, we took a path around it, and within five minutes we'd arrived at what seemed to be a landing strip along the side of the structure, lined with various colors and styles of chariots, and even an air balloon off to one side. It led directly off a cliff which, when I looked over it, was overhanging the set of waterfalls that constantly streamed out of Canterlot and into the valley hundreds of feet below.

Moving briskly, they headed straight for a relatively short yet tall model and proceeded to saddle themselves to it. The chassis was wooden, and painted in two plain shades of white and black; White on the outside, and black within. There were no seats or cushions to make the travel comfortable, just a pair of reigns with which to cling dearly to the pegasi while in flight. Needless to say, while I was looking forward to life in Ponyville, I was less than enthusiastic about my method for getting there.

"Alright, we're secured," one of them informed me, "so hop on and let's get this over with... Whatever you are."

I fought down the urge to refresh their memory of the name Celestia had used just minutes before, and grudgingly complied. No sooner had I taken hold of the twin strips of thin leather than they began to gallop down the stone path, straight towards the lip of the massive free fall before us.

I clutched the reigns tightly. The chariot did not rumble, swerve or stutter as it practically glided across the many evenly spaced rivets in the ground, but that did nothing to ease my fears as the distance between me and a relative leap of faith closed by the second, and my grip remained white-knuckled as I debated jumping off and risking the train.

I did become distracted, however, when the pegasi began to ready their wings for flight. I watched in fascination as the limbs of muscle and feather unfurled steadily and surely, the movements alone portraying the experience of the fliers. My eyes remained glued to their measured shifts and twists as they prepared to make the transition from land to sky. I was so entranced, in fact, that I almost failed to notice when we reached the edge.

Their wings fully extended to five feet on a side, they each gave a single powerful flap, and with dual graceful bounds we were carried up, and then up some more. Never once did we dip as we performed an act that, until I’d experienced it first-hand, had seemed to defy logic. Before I knew it, we were completely airborne, the castle grounds and the entirety of Canterlot City rapidly receding behind us.

This is... Impossible. They must weigh about ninety pounds each! The vehicle alone would be around forty, assuming it's entirely wood. And then there's us added to that! Even together, how can these creatures provide lift for over three hundred pounds of in-aerodynamic wight and move it at this pace with a combined wingspan of barely twenty feet? It doesn't make any-

Dude, dude. Shh. It's magic.

So I stopped questioning it and enjoyed the ride.

End of Chapter 5

Yeah, yeah. I know. It's shorter than any chapter yet. I'm sowwy. :c
The Canterlot portion of the story is closed for now. The coming chapters will focus on the intricacies of Equestria and developing personalities for both Jo and the main ponies that will be involved, and then we'll get right into the heat of things.

ADVENTURE, MAGIC AND SPRINKLES AWAIT US!!!!
ONWARDS, MY BRONY BRETHREN.