"It's simple," Discord said to Empress Twilight, Princess Cadance, Princess-Emerita Celestia, and Commodore Luna. "You need to find a way to use her gifts, instead of trying to suppress them. That's how you reformed me, and how to reform her and make her a contributing member of society."
Luna said, "Gifts, such as her evil, her conniving, and her evil conniving?"
"Precisely," Discord replied before freeing Cozy Glow and sending her to Royal Canterlot University law school.
Some years later, Cozy sat in her dingy law-office-slash-studio-apartment on the second floor of a shoddy building off Ponyville Town Square, contemplating if she should file the paperwork to self-identify as a statue and then sue Discord for nonconsensually un-deading her. The only thing stopping her was the terror of what currency Discord might pay up in. With him, 'hyperinflation' could mean anything…
Nopony would hire Cozy unless the other Ponyville lawyers all refused their case, which meant most of Cozy's clients were usually too broke to actually pay her for legal representation. She generally got paid in eggs, or vegetables, or that one time in literal magic beans that had resulted in Cozy being forced to defend herself from the beanstalk giant's widow's wrongful-death suit. (It was a good thing for Cozy's defense that he had a record of gigantic heart valve problems.)
Sweetie Bot stormed in the door and sat down at the desk, across from Cozy.
"How may I assist you?" Cozy said, pretending to be happy to see her.
"My previous lawyer fired me."
"Golly," Cozy said, shaking her head. Another rejected client. How would Sweetie Bot pay? In worthless crypto memecoins or perhaps in used lubricating oil? "What type of representation do you need? Who was your previous lawyer, and why did he or she release you?"
"I'm doing my business taxes and I need to write off three million bits in expenses."
Cozy's ears went erect. This was, at least, not the drunk-in-public or public urination or urinating-drunkenly-in-public the Ponyville legal system usually encountered. "Well, I am bar-certified in tax law! And your previous attorney…?"
"Berry Frost," Sweetie Bot said. "She was upset that her husband paid me to take my virginity."
"You sold your previous lawyer's husband your virginity," Cozy repeated carefully, trying to remember if that was in the ethics guide or not.
Cozy shrugged. Ethics was a topic she'd mostly skimmed. "Golly."
"It's my entire business model, which Berry Frost helped me develop in the first place! I'm not sure why she was surprised her husband was a client of mine." Sweetie Bot pulled out a laptop computer, opened a complex spreadsheet, and placed it on Cozy's desk.
"Golly!" Cozy's eyes widened as she scrolled the numbers up and down. "You made ten million bits last tax year?!"
"Affirmative," Sweetie Bot said. "Gross, not net. Hence the need to deduct the three million in expenses."
Cozy leaned back in her chair. This one client had the potential to make her more money than all her others combined! "What are you trying to deduct? Specifically? What is the three mill business expense?"
"Consumable supplies." Sweetie Bot tabbed to the next page in the spreadsheet.
"You want to deduct three million bits worth..." Cozy read "...of 'one-time-use robo-ginas'?"
"Yes."
"Explain that to me," Cozy said. "Please."
Sweetie Bot reached down, her hooves disappearing below the edge of the desk. Her forelegs twisted and there was a chunk-thonk like the sound of opening the breech block of a medium-caliber naval rifle, followed by the high-pitched whirrt-whirrt sound of a pneumatic wrench, like a pit stop tire change at a carriage race. Sweetie Bot made the musical chime for disconnecting a device from a computer.
She then placed the disconnected device on Cozy's desk.
Cozy's eyes went wide and she leaned down, reading the pink tamper-evident label that covered its external opening:
"🍒FACTORY SEALED🍒"
"Guys will pay extra for a never-before-used one," Sweetie Bot explained. "A lot extra. They love popping the tamper seal."
"Your previous lawyer's husband...?" Cozy whispered.
"He took my virginity sixteen times." Sweetie Bot smiled. "Berry Frost said all sixteen were coming out of his retirement account, and that he needed his own lawyer for the divorce."
"One-time-use robo-ginas," Cozy muttered, rubbing her temples with her forehooves, a massive migraine starting. "So, just to be clear, you're a robo-prostitute?"
"I'm an emotional support robot."
"Of course, of course."
"I support emotions in fifteen-minute billing increments… Some of my clients need much less than fifteen minutes and complain about me overcharging. Can they sue?"
"Please be quiet while I read your records."
Cozy spent the next fifteen minutes scrolling through Sweetie Bot's spreadsheets. At least she was an organized client. In fact, these were the clearest tax records Cozy had ever seen. Perhaps she should only work for robotic clients?
"I'm seeing twenty-two different model numbers of robo-gina," Cozy said. "We'll need to justify buying so many different kinds instead of buying one kind on a bulk discount."
"That makes sense," Sweetie Bot replied. "See? You're a good lawyer. I'm glad I came here."
"So most of these are 'Mark One, Mod Zero'?"
"Standard issue. What I had from the factory until Rumble popped my original-original seal."
"Next most used, 'Mark Eight, Mod Seven-J, Firebrick-lined'? I've never heard that word. What is firebrick?"
"What they line the ladles with at a foundry. The Mark Eight robo-ginas are because so many of the new colts at the Friendship School are kirins."
Cozy winced and crossed her legs protectively over her own delicate non-firebricked vagina. "Next: 'Diamond-like-carbon anti-scratch coating'?"
"Griffons have catlike barbed dicks."
Cozy blinked, her legs uncrossing slightly against her will. She liked rough stuff... ahem. Stay focused on work now. Call Gallus tomorrow. "Next: 'Automated internal defibrillator'-style?"
"It has a giant capacitor. It's for elderly ponies, in case their heart stops during a transaction."
"'Transaction'." Cozy nodded her head. "We'll write up a liability waiver for anypony who wants that one in the future. 'Mark Nineteen, Extra-extra-extra-large'?"
"Davenport."
"Golly!" She made a mental note to go 'test out a sofa' at Davenport's shop. "And 'Temporal distortion proof'?"
"Doctor Whooves has an N-dimensional dong."
"What about his balls?" Cozy asked.
Sweetie Bot held her forehooves a good distance apart. "Timey-wimey."
Cozy looked at the next model number. "Fifty units of 'The Dream Snatcher'?"
"They did a laser tomography scan to match Luna's snatch, and 3D-print the robo-ginas to one micron accuracy."
"Who rents them?" Cozy asked.
"You would be appalled."
Cozy frowned in thought. "You should see how many bits a Nightmare Moon version would rent for around the holiday."
"I don't know about yours, but my moon-port doesn't take input, just output."
"Pity." Cozy flicked her ears and frowned. "'Extra-small'?"
Sweetie Bot's cheek-mounted color panels turned red. "I can't betray a client's anonymity."
Cozy snorted angrily. "I remember everything that happened to me while I was petrified, and Button Mash 'visited' my statue nightly."
Sweetie Bot sat up straighter. "Is that why the work crew power washed you every morning?"
Cozy nodded sadly.
"I'll use the defibrillator one at his next appointment."
Cozy rubbed her hooves together and grinned. "Thanks."
After examining all the records, Cozy said, "Okay, I can get your taxes done by next week. You should put me on retainer, though, for any future problems that crop up."
"Oh," Sweetie Bot said, "I do have a new service I'm starting soon."
"Indeed?" Cozy said.
"My friends—Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Dinky, all of them—are jealous of all the time I spend with the guys, so I've ordered this." Sweetie Bot punched up a bookmarked page on a web browser. "It's the 'Mark Ninety-Nine, Mod XL futadong' and adapter. It's nicknamed 'The Troubleshoes'."
"Golly," Cozy whispered, staring at the screen, uncrossing her legs and her wings going straight out as excited blood filled them. "D-do you have it? Has it arrived?"
"Yes," Sweetie Bot replied, confusion on her face. "It's in my room."
"Bring it here immediately. Before we can risk something that giant inside any clients, we'll need you to safety-test it…" she smacked the top of her desk "...on me."
The End
Author's Note
- Mockingbirb: That module is replaceable, though
- SockPuppet: Okay, now that's an excellent shitpost idea
